how to set boundaries with parents?
The story
I never thought I'd be someone who would complain about havin too much support from her parents. Honestly, most people would probably envy my situation, havin grandparents so involved and present. But lately, I swear it feels like they're takin over my house and my life. My husband and I just had our first baby—a beautiful little girl—and we thought havin my parents around would be the biggest blessing. But now, I find myself constantly frustrated, anxious, and overwhelmed. My parents have always been loving, but now they've turned into helicopter grandparents, hovering over every little thing we do. From how we hold our baby to the way we wash bottles, every single decision seems to need their approval. At first, I thought it was sweet, them wanting to help and be involved, but it quickly became clear that it's way too much. Like, seriously, do they really need to rearrange my kitchen cabinets because "it makes more sense" their way? Or constantly tell us we're dressing our daughter wrong, feeding her too often, or not enough? I mean, don't get me wrong—I appreciate that they're here for us, but it’s starting to feel like they're forgetting this is our child, our house, and our life.
The biggest issue, though, is that they're always popping over unannounced. I'll be sittin on the couch, exhausted after finally getting my baby down for a nap, and suddenly I hear the front door open and my parents stroll in like they own the place. No call, no text, nothing. They just assume that because we're family, boundaries don't exist. My husband tries to be patient, bless his heart, but I can see it wearing on him, too. The other day, they walked right into our bedroom to "check on the baby," completely ignoring that we were both still asleep. It was awkward, uncomfortable, and honestly disrespectful, even though I know they mean well. Every time I try to gently bring it up, my mom acts hurt, like I'm rejecting her help or saying she's a bad grandmother. My dad just gets defensive, claiming they're only trying to make things easier on us. But how can I tell them that they're actually making things so much harder? I don't wanna hurt their feelings—I love them dearly—but I'm an adult now, and I deserve to have my own space, my own rules, and my own way of doing things.
Setting boundaries with my parents feels harder than I ever imagined. I always pictured us being a big happy family, but this constant invasion of our privacy is straining everything. So how do you even start setting boundaries with parents who don't think they need them? I've realized it's gotta be about clear communication. I know it sounds obvious, but it's honestly terrifying to think of sitting them down and saying, "Look, we need some space." But I also know that if I don't speak up, it's never gonna get better. So, I'm planning to have an honest conversation soon—just me, my husband, and my parents. I need them to understand it's not about rejecting their love or pushing them away, it's about respecting the fact that we're our own little family unit now, with our own routines and preferences. I have to find a gentle way to say that while their intentions are great, their actions sometimes cross the line. Maybe I can suggest specific times they can come over, or ask them to call before they visit. Maybe setting certain tasks aside specifically for them, like babysitting once a week or family dinners every Sunday, will help them feel involved without overstepping. It's not gonna be easy, and I fully expect some hurt feelings and awkwardness at first. But setting boundaries isn't about hurting relationships—it's about protecting them. I believe my parents love us enough to eventually understand, even if it's painful at first. All I know is, if I don't start setting these boundaries now, I might end up resenting the people I love most—and that's something I refuse to let happen.
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Points of view
it's fun: that's the "issue" I would like to have: my parents do nothing for my kids :(
same for me... but I understand the situation: my parents are like that but my step-parents are doing nothing... I would have preferred a middle ground!!!!
i understand your concerns, but perhaps viewing the situation from an alternative perspective might be beneficial; having such proactive grandparents involved is an asset that some parents would covet. when our daughter was born, my parents became invaluable resources, sharing practical tips gleaned from years of parenting experience that we found truly beneficial.
it's important to recognize that their intentions stem from a place of genuine love and support. rather than viewing their actions as an overreach, consider them as opportunities to learn and grow as a parent; setting boundaries is certainly crucial, but their involvement could also be seen as a learning curve for navigating family dynamics.
your autonomy as a new parent is valid and important. however, a gentle approach that incorporates their support while slowly asserting your family's independence might yield positive results. after all, having a strong support network can be a remarkable foundation for your family's future. 🙂
i completely understand where you're coming from, and honestly, it's a situation that many new parents unfortunately encounter; the overly-involved grandparents dilemma. your sentiment about "helicopter grandparents" resonates entirely, as I've seen similar dynamics unfold within my own family. it's almost as if with the arrival of a new grandchild, certain grandparents think they have carte blanche to insert themselves into every aspect of your newborn's life, right down to micromanaging trivial tasks like "repositioning kitchen cabinets". i recall an old adage that advises, "too many cooks spoil the broth," which seems particularly relevant here.
personally, when my own parents started encroaching on our personal space after our first child, we devised a structured visitation agreement, which proved instrumental in maintaining a harmonious household. from your narrative, it's clear that establishing a "hard stop" on unexpected visits and outlining explicit expectations regarding privacy would be pivotal for your mental well-being.
you are not alone in this—many parents find themselves having to assert their autonomy under the guise of appreciative tact. exercising the principles of "clear communication" is indeed paramount and can ameliorate potential resentment—a useful strategy would be setting aside predetermined family times, which can provide grandparents a sense of inclusion without precipitating parental territorial conflicts.
i admire your determination to protect your family's nascent dynamics. remember, setting boundaries isn't synonymous with hostility; it's a proactive measure to safeguard cherished relationships, and as the esteemed Maya Angelou poignantly stated, "you teach people how to treat you."
oh wow, i totally get what you're going through!!!! my parents also intrude a lot since the baby came. isn't it exhausting???!!! when they rearrange your home, it's like they don't respect your autonomy; it feels like your home is not yours anymore???
i agree boundaries are a must, but it's hard to enforce them without drama... my experience was similar, feeling overwhelmed constantly, and it was tough to communicate this without hurting them. they seemed to think they were helping, but it felt like suffocation!!!
we managed to set some rules by being firm yet kind, but even now, there are slip-ups... it's important to keep trying though; don't lose hope. maintaining control in your household is key, even if it takes time to establish those boundaries. you're doing your best, and that's what counts. stay strong and keep communicating!!! 💪🏽
i see your point, but perhaps you're being a bit too sensitive about your parents' involvement. having active grandparents can be a significant advantage, providing a valuable support system that not everyone is fortunate enough to have.
by focusing on their so-called "intrusions," you might be overlooking the positive impact they have on your child's development. instead of seeing their advice as unwelcome, perhaps consider it as a learning opportunity that could enhance your parenting skills; dismissing their involvement might be short-sighted.
it seems you feel your independence is being compromised, but in reality, parenting is inherently a collaborative effort. while setting boundaries is essential, it could be beneficial to approach this with gratitude rather than frustration. after all, collective family dynamics require flexibility and understanding. 🤷♂️