Family Drama Stories

i don't know why its always me who is not enough for anyone , every time when i am only trying to protect other they just turn on me and call me selfish , arrogant , inhuman , emotionless and some of them i just forgot . tomorrow is my birthday and today here i am ranting all this simply because i don't have anyone to tell its not like i don't want someone special its just that my way of showing love is different being elder daughter they had always told me to look out for the family and that i have to be the strongest one and that i have to take care of everyone , but no one ever asked me that do i really want all this i mean i was just a kid when i was told to make sacrifices for my younger sibling and whenever my family is facing any financial issue they just ask me to understand and don't ask for anything but on the other hand let my younger sibling have everything just because he was a kid never thought about me i was also a kid , finally i got one person who claimed that he loved me and foolish me i believed him , giving everything and expecting only love and to be looked after and needed someone who can say just be yourself i was just a baby Infront of him , i completely forget myself but that elderly instinct never left me , don't show too much emotions and there is no such thing as depression always makes a loud noise inside me i was handling everything believing that soon it will be over but the one thing that got over was his love for me , he left me and told me that he will never come back i started college moving on in my second year he came back begging me to give him chance and dumb me i gave in , 5 years and when i was ready to tell my parents he left again with same excuse that i was not made for love , today my younger brother came home drunk i didn't have any excuse to save him and he made a seen calling me the traitor and telling me that he is cutting ties with me , i have always protected him taking his blames on me and today he told me this i was worried that he was out alone so i called his frnds and he called me and told me to mind my own business . this was my birthday gift from my family to me , the worse part is my mother told me that i don't have sense of talking and that i should not talk , i tried committing suicide but failed , tried telling my frnds but they just laugh it off . sorry if i had written alot forgive me as there was no one i can share all this and just for a moment i felt relief

I struggle to sleep at night without seeing images in my mind. Sometimes my thoughts just race, other times I get recurring flashbacks of things that happened to me during my childhood. I remember things starting when I was about 4? My mother was an abusive alcoholic. I was pretty much at her mercy due to my father being deployed overseas. She was neglectful; she didn't feed my sister and I, she taught me about sex at a young age, I saw her having sex with her cousin. All around, things were pretty awful.

At some point, I was taken by the police to a station. We were shipped off to foster care for 2-3 years. My father fought hard to win the case and he eventually did, but he's no saint either. He's been through a lot as well but the way he copes is unhealthy. When we first arrived home, my father was doped up on oxycodone pills due to being permanently disabled and discharged from the military. He tried his best but he attempted suicide by mixing drugs and alcohol and we were sent to my grandmother's. I don't remember much between the ages of 7-12 so things kind of get blurry.

At some point, my father became so bitter and violent. He often compared me to my mother and would lash out at me in fits of rage. He would hit my head a lot and I don't have many clear memories anymore. I remember one time when I didn't take out the trash. It was around 12:00AM when he noticed that the trash wasn't taken care of. He immediately got violent with me and started pinning me against a wall, screaming and spitting in my face.

I decided to flee, barefoot in the rain. I ran and hid at a nearby apartment until he stopped looking for me. I sprinted over a mile to my nearest friend's house. I remember completely breaking down in front of him and I felt terrible. His Mom comforted me and gave me the guest room to sleep in. The next day I dreaded going home. I also had a field trip to a college the next day, so I had to suck it up and act like nothing happened. I remember the field trip being a blast, though. My theatre class went and saw a play. :D

Anyway, I just need to talk about this stuff. I can never find a proper way to bring it up to my friends or my therapist. I stopped going to therapy because I felt like they never let me fully empty my brain. I've been depressed for a long time. Sometimes I just break down because everything is too much. I get so frustrated with myself for holding myself back. I'm in my 20's with no job and no drivers license. I feel so pathetic but it's so difficult to start tackling these things.

I feel like a fish out of water, honestly. It seems like everything I touch becomes unstable. I don't have a good sense of self or purpose. I have passions, but I get burned out so easily. Sometimes I just want to disappear so I won't be a burden on anyone else anymore. I don't know. I find it hard to rely on others for support. I just needed to talk about this stuff tbh because it's been stewing in my mind for too long.

I have this brother who is my twin. Everyone looks up to him, he has perfect looks, personality, work ethic and grades etc. But no one realises who he actually is. He's only a selfish prick who puts himself higher than anyone else. He's a raging misogynist and racist. A typical teenager boy.

I remember in the past, he used to beat me up at home during lockdown when our parents were at work. He used to punch me at full strength in to stomach and he used to kick my head every time I didn't listen to him/beat him at tests in school. Ultimately, this lead to me almost failing tests as my grades slipped in fear that he'd beat me up and that I was essentially conditioned to listen him at every word and defending him for his actions at my own expense because at that point, I would rather be punished by someone else.

Once I got into highschool (we went to different schools), I could finally achieve my own goals without interference until I realised that after a few years of almost failing classes, it took a toll on compulsory skills in school such as maths and English.

I always dreaded coming back home until some time had passed and I realised my brother seemingly changed. He was nicer, more composed, less envious. I took this for granted until he started blaming me for him losing all his matches online. He ended up beating me more, and I complained to our parents after I had finally built up some courage from school. But my parents never believed me, because 'how could a perfect boy like him beat his lesser achieving sister like that?'. They called me a liar and a shame to the family for not being able to defend myself & for being 'weak'.

After that a few years later, my brother wanted me to hang out with him, so I did, without any question. My brother changed, he didn't hit me as much and he actually talked to me. At the time, I genuinely thought it was so nice of him to invite me, but then I realised only now that he invited me to make himself look better and to embarrass me.

Nowadays, it's just less of the abuse and more me doing everything for him without question or request because I'm too scared to do anything to offend him. I think I might have ptsd from him but oh well.

I wish I was him, I'm so envious of him.

TW!! abuse, neglect, sh,

when I was a kid, my dad was very abusive towards my brother and myself. I can still remember that all so vividly. like I just saw it. I remember getting beaten for not wanting to eat, I remember the ride to the police station. I remember it all. I don't remember, however, turning up at my grandparents house. we got sent to live with them due to our mother and father being not suitable parents. and for as long as I remember I would always be forgotten. when they all took a two week trip they decided last minute I shouldn't go. when we were going to a carnival, they decided that since they didn't want to have to deal with me I shouldnt come. its been a constant cycle of this sort of thing, they used to only care if I got hurt when they needed and excuse to be mad at my brother. the guilttripping was and still is so bad. In my first year of high school, my mental health got really bad and I was hanging around the wrong crowd who convinced me to hurt myself, and told me ways to do it. so when I realized this was a bad thing and told one of my favourite teachers, they rang my parents. my pop picked me up, and kept asking "why would you do that." as if I was inconveniencing him. and when I got home the took my devices. they didn't ask what happened, they didn't care. they didn't check to see if I was still harming myself. they just said "if community services finds out you do this they'll take you away." and for months they treated me like I was a majorly unintelligent person. when I did get my phone back they would turn my wifi off all the time. I was only allowed one hour, and then the next term or so, my ex boyfriend sexually assaulted me. when I told them, they ignored me. they refused to acknowledge that happened. they treat me like I'm inconvencing their lives by existing. if I told them anything about my identity they would kill me. they didn't care who was hitting on me. they didn't care who was hurting me, they don't care if I'm being bullied. and they only notice the results of these things and blame it on my phone. multiple times I would cry just loud enough for them to hear. hoping they would comfort me and they would just tell me to shut up.

I recently wrote a post on Facebook, and it censored me, considering the very elements I needed to bring to light regarding events in my family. I had to post it in a WhatsApp group to avoid falling into the same trap as the previous platform.

That hurt me completely. For a long time, I had sought out the public eye about what had happened with my family, my experiences, and what it meant to me to lose them as a safe zone. As usual, I was another one of those individuals who kept what happened at home to themselves, normalizing the situation over time, even though the outside world showed me a completely different normality than what I experienced at home and through family interactions.

I was one of those who expressed that what I saw on television and other media outlets was solely to sell propaganda. In fact, they even convinced me that Children's Day was purely a commercial component. In that family, I lived isolated from the world. That is, I couldn't bring friends home, I couldn't choose what the market demanded, I had to stick to the music my parents liked, I didn't go to places other people went too, and everything was always driven by a desire to view family relationships and events as supreme and as beings that simply err. It was a desire to justify why we didn't go out and interact with the outside world. My mother lived with a desire for home, and besides, she felt that it was hers and she could do whatever she wanted, with my father backing her up, which made me feel like I couldn't belong anywhere outside the home like my own. My moments when I felt closest to people, where I could joke around and play games, surrounded by my parents, were always segregated, denigrated, and even seen as reasons for scolding for issues that were never really addressed; in fact, they ruined the moment for me.

Regarding my abilities, it was also the same. In sales, creativity, studies, and lifestyle, my mother liked to call the shots, belittling points of view other than her own and also seeking to alleviate the fact that she didn't know the true path either, as a way of making her perspective supreme. My father always told me to blindly accept her, and that was also the case with his second wife. In both homes, my university studies were sabotaged through the absorption of both families due to my absence from their events. It always turned out to be a family that sought to sabotage my progress or make it difficult, only to then applaud any achievement despite everything, in other words, evading the responsibility of having reached the goal under pressure.

They all turned out to be a family of monsters, of people who also wanted to profit monetarily from my progress if it was achieved, without any limitations. They were saboteurs and, on top of that, profiteers. Added to this, they liked to speak ill of me behind my back, gang up on me, and favor their compliance. Without a doubt, they wanted me down, adding to their support for individuals who wanted to harm me, and also avoiding news about it. The only reason they currently act with respect is because I show the consequences of their actions. Their desire as good individuals lies only in preventing them, because if there aren't any, they resort to the same practice. Ironically, being the instigators of the events, they also sought complacency despite their reactions. They were people who sought to see me down and not feel guilty thanks to me, demonstrating precisely the consequences of their actions.

Right now, I find myself in conditions I like, and they have also been the target of attack, through sabotage from outside, intended to make me a destabilizing factor in the environment. I wanted to confront them with therapists, but they all became counters to my need to vent, consolidating me on the ground. To ensure that these relatives wouldn't be invasive in my search for a therapist given my reactions, I needed to find someone who would express the end of therapy by agreeing to return if it was deemed necessary, as is often the case, in order to put an end to that path. Even the therapists turned away, forcing me to be manipulative in order to escape their clutches. Of course, when there's no outside support and internal pressure is great, social solutions based on outside support only end up being maladaptive.

The fact that Facebook censored, or at least reviewed, my post made me feel like there was no way out. No therapist wanted to help me, and I didn't have a social network. They only sought to persuade me to repair my problems the point. That is, to form a vision that was once again complacent and disarmed, at the mercy of others, just as my parents wanted. It's not fair that I was in this very complex situation, a psychological framework, and everyone was collaborating to consolidate me there, that is, diverting me from my interests. No one wanted to help me; all those who tried simply based their help on criticizing me, instead of protecting themselves with my circumstances. Not one was able to admit that they couldn't help me. I had to say goodbye to all these people.

I had to let go of all the lives I had built, given that they were at the mercy of a profile that would try to pressure me to return to it, when I didn't want to return. Now has been an escape from the influences of that environment I was in, allowing me to function completely normally, the mechanisms even being unconscious, simply by letting myself be guided by intuition.

Furthermore, with the posts I'd already made about my family, I felt pained because no one gave a like or any icon that expressed receptivity. In other words, when it came to talking about the issues my family had asked me, I felt alone. I felt like everyone was once again supporting my consolidation of it, being indifferent to how I treated them, all in order to support the stereotypes. I had to take a risk, removing many family members from the mix, the goal of which was to get me out of my peaceful life, through such support and meetings, which no one had even asked me about. An aunt, excited precisely by having me at the mercy of domination, through fear—of all people in the world—wondered, why do I have to be pleasing to those who would like to dominate? Of course, this was the spirit of my parents with my upbringing, of subjugation so they could then make us their servants. It's an abuse of power to isolate an innocent child through prejudice, to keep them at the mercy of complacency, precisely because of the prejudices that create walls that hide what's going on within the family.

Without a doubt, from childhood until now, all of this has resulted in a nightmare for me. I wanted to reveal myself to this system and was prevented, then I returned but was also undermined, and now this third time, I wasn't going to allow myself to be left behind. I prefer to start over, without these relationships, no matter what. Regarding therapists, there's nothing more unpleasant than coming to them with your problem, and they simply seek to smooth it over, rather than affirming that they can't handle it. Personally, I don't see that it has motivated me to take action on my own, through my own visions; after all, they were the only ones that helped me feel good.

I had to look after my life, my future, because no one else was doing it. Indeed, no one supported her, however, that only tells me that these people are not the right ones for me.

In this world, we cannot deign to speak about the family as we see fit; instead, we must use a pre-established discourse regarding it, as it is precisely a terrain where experience is entirely personal. It is a joy to establish a normality through which to generalize all the experiences of all individuals within their families for their maintenance within society.

Such normality often proves completely detached, suffocating, and rather leads to viewing our family in a blind way and being permissive with its ways of operating. This normalization is proving to be a game of exclusion for those who fail to fit in, which translates into the absence of relationships based on maintaining this profile. In itself, it is encouraging the creation of criminals or suicides. There are authorities for these, however, the key is not to fall into such traps.

The society in which we operate creates extremely precise profiles, which leads to redefining the version of family members. An environment where illegal acts become routine encourages members, thanks to their surroundings, encouraging them to reflect on more complex practices, which society and the authorities face with greater difficulty, leading to imposed solutions that appear feasible at first. This spirit itself is leading to the creation of micro-states, isolated groups eager to dominate society, clearly seeking acceptance of their characteristics beyond their usual borders. In other words, this normalization is leading to discreet reactionary actions. It is a form of self-destruction, using, of course, its elements to simulate the absence of change, even when it is perceived. This leads to constant tension within society, achieving discourses of comfort or sophisticated domination, slowing the production of critical essence, and resulting in an approximate lack of development of individuals.

This development leads precisely to a society that is even more maladaptive in the face of its circumstances, such as illness or other events that deviate from the norm. In other words, it becomes disrupted into a maladaptive one, all in the name of maintaining a normal discourse that omits those elements that cause it to deviate from that format. Without a doubt, we can speak of a possible path toward the expansion of this group.

This fixation on the family as the axis to which one must adhere under all circumstances is, in turn, a desperate measure to maintain the structures that prepare the individual for the structures beyond it, to which we all succumb in some way. Its support for its hegemony, without examining relationships, can lead to the continuation of inappropriate behavior, which is precisely what is not desired. This defense seems unconscious and rather careless toward society, so we can speak of a clearly naive effort. The intention is for everyone to be well; however, the consequences are not produced by these, but by what the action does within the context.

Many people are starting from a defensive position, fearing their own family system, that it is promoting something alien to well-being. It has always been said that the family actually works for this reason; however, we know that the notion responds to the fulfillment of ideals and that it is specific to each group. There is a tendency to protect oneself within it for no other reason than its productiveness of stability, which in turn has shaped one's life's path in pursuit of it. The detachment from the idea of ​​maintaining the family results in a deep disillusionment that concretizes precisely the defensiveness of this notion of well-being within the praxis it represents. Change beyond this is not visualized, given that life was based on that conception; that is, the loss of it would be visualized.

In my case, it was necessary to do so because the well-being provided by my family was becoming detached from the social normality in which I subscribed, acting on those elements that only served as a means of gain, those that served to homogenize the feeling of detachment from others from a victimist behavior and a vision of life based on domination for the sake of survival. What my family was proposing was my isolation from society, consisting of seeking what was indispensable to it and sharing the feeling of marginalization encapsulated in a supremacy. It resulted in a driving force for me to enter into detachment with the idea because I did not want to remain under that condition, nor did the groups that supported it. I wanted a life consisting of consciousness, sustainable sociability, and bringer of calm, and of profitable subsistence, starting from any element that was not carried by my relatives, in order to diminish their tools to make me return to my previous situation thanks to their need to homogenize all individuals, with a view to safeguarding the idea that one is well and not bad for the fact of not being able to be inserted and in tune with the world beyond us.

cw: suicidal ideation, self harm, descriptions of abuse + masochism, possibly CSA (I’m not trying to claim its in the traditionally severe form so I’m sorry if it seems that way to ppl who have endured that), I just need somewhere to get an outside view of what’s happening with me. Be safe

I’m 15, trans guy but born female. I was a fundamentally bad, defiant child that was the defining thing about me so my mom used to be super abusive in a few ways to kindve stomp the defiance out of me . But the one that stuck with me was when she was supposed to be spanking me as punishment (though I think it had been over trivial matters. as if everything I said or did was destined to be wrong, I truly don't understand the reasons why she did it). I know well she’s not creepy nor a bad mother, she didn’t intend for me to take it this way and I promise I don’t wanna take it this way either because it’s been really humiliating, but the way she executed it (and intense ways I reacted to it over the years) ive realized as some strange form of sexual abuse. it’s not that I have any vivid picture memories, (my memory of my childhood is garbage as demonstrated time and time again) but I know it happened extremely often. I know the components I didn’t omit of the spankings to be true in these procedural bullet points. And its really nauseated me to think about she forced me to strip naked always and lay on her bed and would yk slap me relentlessly on the ass and if I tried to run shed chase me down, she wouldn’t let me leave her room, and if I cried she’d go harder till I shut up no matter how much I pleaded with her. After, I think she’d send me away from everyone and shun me. I omitted this next part but my brother(21) told me she had this stupid table tennis object she used too and wrote my name on it in bold and hung it on her wall for me to stare at perpetually, my grandma had one aswell but I only remembered that part I didn’t know my mother did too. I guess im sensitive, but my entire being’s always felt ‘off’ or just violated by this even if it wasn’t meant how I took it.

And I never ever saw her hurt my brother the way she did me (he confirmed she didn’t) so I hated all of them. I felt they legitimately wanted me specifically to die because of this. I talked to my brother about it when it came up more recently and even he claimed what she did wasn’t normal and he seemed concerned about how much I didn’t remember about it, he said I was a rough kid but I never deserved that. It shouldn't be a big deal since it’s been a few years, I’ve become a better person but it lowk ruined my mental health for most of my life and I just never felt safe or loved at home, like little me tried to lay in the street and get hit by a car and shit so I didn’t have to be punished that way again during times my brother threatened to tell her something. When that didn’t bode well I got affiliated with older people who had bad intentions, like my groomer/s who actually did sexually abuse me, so I could feel more loved or hurt, just better about myself in any capacity cuz they didn’t have high standards to love me. I felt worlds more comforted with them. I still do when I think about it.

I was averse to people touching me for years because it felt like touch physically burned me. Being intimate with others in general, honesty and expressing emotions has always been excruciatingly hard for me, it's so much more natural to suppress them, and I just despised her, especially even the slightest brush against me. This extended to things like anyone saying my name. It grated on my ears because of the way she called it, which is part of why I hate my deadname so much. My anger and shame and despair over everything was just left to fester.

I think the physical stuff stopped after I turned 12 but it was too late. I was already so so aggressive, the soul was pretty much sucked out of my corpse. I've felt like a dead guy walking for most of my years. I would homicidally ideate about killing her (I would never!!). all my friends who’ve known me before online school have been hit by me in some capacity. One kid, I feel so bad about him but he threw this frisby in my direction and it happened to hit me, and when he laughed it set me off so I genuinely beat him with the frisby till he was crying. and I was laughing until i got horrified by what I just did enough to try to take it back. I knew that I had scarred him in a way I had no right. Some kids at my school were truly scared of me and I felt better when they were scared cuz I could act like I was someone big and bad with a kind of control or power when I really wasn’t powerful at all. When I used to talk about being an awful person that was what I meant.

And I’ve had such conflicting urges toward what she did . When she finally stopped I found myself wishing she picked it back up again because I liked the sensations my thoughts accustomed to the spankings/feeling. I’m asexual and being harmed has been the only thing that can make me feel any sort of arousal now, and through that is the only way I’ve been able to manage my emotions about it. It’s developed into weird sexual fantasies about people hurting me in so many ways which have been impacting my ability to function normally since I was 12. im really masochistic now, always wanting to be hurt further whether through using SH or other people and ill be willing to put myself at risk as a consequence. I assume this might have been the cause of my history of violent/taboo sexual addictions when I was wayyy too young to even understand their impact. it wasnt good.

Furthermore, all this is kindve the reason our relationship is fractured in my eyes even though she’s really not doing anything wrong anymore. you can tell she’s a good mom and she’s trying her best as I’ve tried my best with all my might to forget but it’s so hard to act like that didnt happen and that I’m not broken and that being broken hasn't ruined most of my life. I’ve tried to talk about it with her in the past but she vehemently denied it and mocked me. it’s truly cemented that I’ve been hung up all these years over nothing and I don’t know why it won’t go away.

It’s not fair for me to hold this unrelenting animosity toward her sometimes but I’ve been miserable and it shows. maybe im just looking to point fingers for why I’m so fucked up but my heads making sooo much racket all the time I really wish it didn’t have to be like this and I didn’t have to be like this. There will never be a guy that hates his essence more than I do. I’ve tried to change from this, to stay happy and love everyone as much as I can. they call me sunshine, but everytime I get some time alone to think I’m just reminded how much I can’t live with myself, and im trying to hold on so tight and move on and be the brightest but I feel like my light only gets dimmer the longer I keep pushing. I wish i stayed in that half dead stupor sometimes because now that I’m alive again everything hurts sooo much I’m always pushed over the edge by one thing or another. But sincerely thank you for listening if you took the time to read this far, use me as an example NOT to spank your kids qwq

Summary: the reactions I had to spanking and the effects on my mental health have seemed disproportionately disturbing compared to the experience most people describe so lightly, I seemed to take it as something sexually violating and ruining, has anyone else felt the same about theirs or had similar experiences?

I'm sorry. It was my fault you felt bad. I didn't listen. I didn't think. Last time It went fine and you liked It and didn't felt bad and nothing happened and i felt overconfident. It's my fault and I'm sorry. And honestly? i always thought you were right. I am selfish and horrible and arrogant. I know. But tbh in the case at the very least there was a Little thing that would've spared us both the trouble, It's called Communication. Not that you would know. This morning before i even thought about cooking you said you had to eat something plain and simple for your stomach. When i was about to start cooking YOU SAID you wanted plain pasta and ASKED me to make It. And i did. Even after that I ASKED YOU "ARE YOU GONNA EAT THESE THINGS I'M MAKING TONIGHT OR ARE YOU GONNA EAT PLAIN AGAIN?" and you SAID "No. Do whatever you want. I can't eat them tonight." And i said "ok". ONLY AFTER THAT I PUT SEASONING YOU CAN'T EAT. bc YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GONNA EAT THEM ANYWAY. I WAS PLANNING TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU, I ASKED YOU SAID NO. end of It. Then you asked if i could make you bread with the dough. I knew for a fact the dough wasn't gonna be enough and i told you. "Probably not cause there's a lot. But I can make other dough if you want." Cause that Is kinda how It works. You want bread? You tell me and i make It for you bc you asked. You can't Just leave hints last minute and expect me to figure It out anyway. I tried to make more Dough for you bread you literally forbid me from doing It cause i was a selfish b. All of that, remembering the fact you asked me for something else (the pasta) and i make It for you cause that what you asked. I asked if you wanted share and you SAID no.

All of that when in normal circumstances i always share with you. When i have adapt recipes i always do. But when i don't share with you bc you SAID specifically NO. I'm the Monster. Ok. Sure. Whatever.

Hi. I dont exactly know how to do this, but i really wanted to get this off my chest, so that i can put my focus on fixing myself, instead of carrying around all this baggage. Im not very good with english commas and stuff, as its a second language, so i appologize.

Ok, so i have a Sister. My relationship with her is very complicated. My main problem is that i get angry far too quickly. She could do the most midly annoying thing ever, and i would lose my head and lash out. This is obviously not right, and i need to control myself.

This anger stems from her and I having a lot of issues with one another growing up. The problem is, i can never pinpoint exactly one thing or a few specific things that i dislike her for. I just KNOW, its unforgivable. So i lash out at the drop of a hat, and can end up getting physically violent, which, at the moment of the outburst feels justified, but i know afterwards that i was in the wrong.

Our father is also a terrible person. He has crazy outbursts of anger too, and i despise him for it. Which i why i NEED to fix my anger issues, because there is nothing in this world i hate more than a hypocrite. Which he, unsuprisingly, is.

My mother on the other hand is the gentlest person ever. She is kind, tolerant, never raises her voice, and i look so much up to her. I want to be like that. People like my father hurt people, and end up alone. People like my mother can make others feel like the only ones who matter in the entire world, and i want to be that for other people. If only i could get a hold of myself.

Now, my sister is not a bad person. Because of my fathers anger issues, i KNOW she suffers too. As her older sibling Its my job to protect her, but i keep FAILING at it by lashing out exactly like he does. She has to deal with both of us, and the guilt of it eats me alive. But its not like feeling guilty is going to absolve me of my actions. You know the quote: A dog that howls after a kill is no better than the dog that eats. My guilt means nothing.

My sister deals with his anger by being rebellious. She drifts away, has little care for other people, acts disrespectfully and so on. I suppose thats one reason i hate her, but can i really allow myself that? It feels selfish of me. She also has developed a very nasty personality. And i know that word is harsh, but heres what i mean: She revels in putting people down. She constantly stops people from improving themselves by making them feel stupid for even trying. Basically, shes emotionally toxic. In all her relationships, platonic and familial. And I cant be mad at her over that. At least not when she does it to me. Because im worse. I lash out. And that will always be worse. What shes doing, is setting up defenses. Because if she tears people down, she wont be torn apart herself.

The funny thing is, this is also something my father does. Tears people down. Its like me and my sister are two halves of the same awful man. Maybe thats why we hate eachother.

Talking about out father. I do think my sister resents me. See, our mother treats her kids equally. Our father however has me as his favourite. Its obvious, because he barely tolerates my mother, my brother and my sister. Hes said it out loud too. That he only stays for me. So that means his outbursts are directed towards them, while i get off scott free. This doesnt mean he loves me. Ive sides with them, and every time i do, he lashes out at me too. However for some reason he always "forgives" me the easiest. I feel dirty.

Now, i didnt ask for this favouritism. I hate the way he treats my mother, brother and sister, because i love them. But i cant blame her for resenting me. After all, it does feel like the golden child masqurading as a good person doesnt it? I feel selfish and awful.

Even more so when i lash out. Because how could i not? Im acting like he does! And i need help managing my anger. Now some of you may say, well apologize then. The thing is, thats what my father does after his lash outs. He apologizes in this sweet voice, and if i started doing the same to my sister, she would be like a lamb trapped between two wolves, and i cant do that to her. I want to improve my actions before, you know, using my words. It would give her the wrong idea otherwise. I dont want to set her up for abuse in her future.

Although it does sometimes feel as though our relationship with eachother is now irrepearable. Ive ruined it, and it would be selfish of me to expect her to trust me again.

And my greatest fear, is that this is the same thought process HE goes through. What if he also feels this immense guilt after lashing out too? What if he tries and fails at managing his anger? I dont let these thoughts out to the ones close to me, like my mother, brother or sister, because i would feel selfish for garnering sympathy. Are we not the same then, he and I? I dont want that! I want to actually change, to actually start managing my anger and not be soo... weak. You know?

I want to be better for the people i love. So i REALLY need tips to manage my anger. I always feel like im in a dream like comatose state after lashing out. Like as if that was another person, and now i have to deal with their mistakes. I could really use some tips, some help. This post had to be made, so i could get it off my chest and focus on improving. I dont want to feel and act crazy anymore. I want to be better. And i need to put in the effort.

Thank you.

I want to start this off by saying that my dad isn't too bad most of the time. most of what he does, he does because he thinks it is the best thing for us. and a lot of the issues that I have with him are caused by the way that he was raised. I do love my dad, but sometimes he does things that hurt me a lot emotionally, even if it is unintentional.

the thing that I am really upset about right now is that he just threatened to shoot my dogs. I have a couple dogs that live inside the house. one of them has some issues with going potty inside the house. this is largely in part due to the fact that the lady who owned my dog before me never took her dogs outside, and trained them to use a litter box i side the house. now my dog never wants to go outside, but we do the best we can to make sure that she spends enough time out there. that being said, she still makes a mess I side every now and then. it is certainly not ideal, but i clean it up and move on with the day. well, today, she had another one of those accidents and my dad found it. he got all pissed off and threatened to unlike both of my dogs. I doubt he would even actually do this, but it still really hurts to have to picture my life without them in it. I love them so much, and I can't understand why he would threaten to take that away. he saw how hurt I was when our past dog passed. I could barely function, and I still miss her every day. I know that he thinks that saying that is just tough love and will make the problem better, but all that it does is cause unnecessary hurt and resentment. I wish I could talk to him about this, but he is the kind of person who doesn't want to listen to his teenage daughter once he gets an idea in his head because he wants to be the man of the house. I have tried talking to him about these issues, but he never listens. so I have just given up. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. especially since he knows how hurt I would be if anything happened to them.

the second big issue that I need to talk about is the church that he makes us go to. it is a Christian church, but it is horrible. it uses heavy fear mongering tactics, while preaching about love. the church is also quite sexist. they talk about love all the time, yet anytime anyone stops going to church or believes something different, they will turn their backs on them. I have grown up seeing my cousins stop going to church, and then hearing my family talk about how they are going down the wrong path and how terrible it is. they act like the worst thing a person could do is stop going to church. then when someone tries to ask a question and understand what is going on, they aren't met with love. they are met with yelling and anger because they are questioning the church. this to me seems the opposite of love and understanding. then, people preach about how we are worthless and there is no other good church out there. they also have extremely strict rules that if you don't follow, will keep you out of heaven. and of course, those rules are more strict for women. we are judged for not dressing a certain way, or for even being outgoing and vocal about your opinions. I can't wait to leave the stupid church, but i know that my dad is going to be upset with me. and then I am going to have to explain why I left, which is going to be terrifying. so unfortunately, I am stuck until I move out. I don't think he would disown me or anything for leaving, but he would definitely be upset. and I already know exactly how they are going to gossip about me. and don't get me wrong, religion has done a lot of good for a lot of people. but it has also been used as a tool to hurt and control a lot of people. I was brainwashed for the longest time to believe that I had such a wonderful family, and that I was so lucky that I was born into this church. then I started to realize how messed up everything was, and how messed up my extended family is that goes there. I don't have time to get into all the details right now, but just know that it is really bad. now, I can't stand anything to do with religion. it has been shoved down my throat so much all my life, that I can't have anything to do with it. which is tough because I would love to be part of a good, loving church community, but I just can't do that right now, and probably won't be able to for a long time. anyway, thanks for reading all of this, I hope you have a great day

I'm way past the age where I can be an angsty, rebellious teen but my fucking god dude.

I've been dealing with their abuse for half my life - they neglected me as a child and basically threw whatever toy or game I wanted whenever I bothered them too much.

To most kids that sounds fun, but try not being able to even tell your parents you love them without them looking disgusted or dismissing you.

It got worse when I got older as well, as soon as I turned 18 they begun to take my fasfa money for college from my bank account and use it towards whatever they wanted. Bills? Clothes? Yep that's what it was going towards!

Eventually they even got mad at me once when I told them I'm gonna keep the money and they started demanding it as if it was their birthright to extort their only son.

It doesn't help that they basically ruined my childhood - I learned what sex was at like age 8...because of them. And I also got a knife pointed at me once by my own mother because I was being bratty.

It didn't help that they also verbally abused me, calling me stuff such as faggot, queer, loser, cunt, fuckface, etc.

This affected my childhood and teenhood by the way, I ended up being way more quiet because I was scared that if i did something wrong or said something wrong I'd get yelled at or beaten.

It got to the point where I'd actually go entire days without speaking because I was so scared of being punished.

And now that I'm no longer a minor, I can't do anything about them.

There were several times I regret not calling CPS when I was younger when they started beating me or yelling at me, or even doing cruel things such as locking me in my room, denying me access to the bathroom whenever I got a negative grade, etc.

I've been called a disappointment and mistake more times in my life then I can count - literally only cause I never met my parent's expectations or simply because I didn't see the same ideals they had.

I'm sick of it, I moved back in with them temporarily while I'm trying to save up to move out with my boyfriend. It's been a struggle to find a job since my parents refuse to network with me, refuse to help me in the slightest, and even gave me a deadline recently that I had 2 weeks to find a job or I need to sign up "for the service."

Like are you joking? In this economy? I've been applying for jobs for 3 months straight now what fucking makes you think I can just magically wave a wand and get a fucking job?

And I'll be real with you, since this anonymous. If I ever get forced to join the service I will deadass just hang myself or something.

It doesn't help that naturally, because of my upbringing, I've hid everything from them. Every relationship I've gone through, every breakup, every bit of character development I've had in the last few years they know nothing about.

So their vision of me is literally just a hermit that sits in a room all day playing games when that couldn't be fucking farther then the truth.

Anyways thanks for listening to me rant :3

Needed to get that off my chest considering I have nowhere else to really vent too...and boy does it feel good to finally air that shit out somewhere lmfao

Recently I've been feeling really crappy; I've been getting a lot of headaches, a huge loss of appitite, and I've constantly felt like I was going to faint. I brought this up with my mom and mentioned how I'm probably anemic (since I've had multiple blood tests done to show that I have an iron deficency and I show an alarming amount of the symptoms), however, she just said it was because I didn't eat and I belived her. But then school started and I was getting up and down and whatnot a lot more and suddenly I'm literally fighting to not pass out in my algebra class and get trampled by the greasy football kids. So far, it's been happening for multiple days and I've also been losing sleep. My mom always blames the symptoms on things like me not getting enough exersise or not eating (both are not possible though as I live in a very mountain-y area and I have to constantly walk up steep hills at my school to get to some classes, and I HAVE been eating). It's not new either, II have been expiriancing these things for a long time, even though it's more recently they're starting to get worse.

This isn't really the only time she's done stuff like this though. for a long time I struggled with anxiety and she had said it was 'normal for my age' but when an actual doctor looked at my anxiety they said it was extremely high for someone my age, to which my mom agreed to like she agreed the whole time and only put me in therapy after that. She's also doing the same for the fact that I can;t sleep and refusing to let me go on any sort of medication for my anxiety or inability to sleep, when these are things I have been serriously struggling with since I was in the third grade. It just kinda feels like she doesn't belive me whenever I say something is wrong or ask for her help with that type of thing. I love her a lot and she's amazing, but I really wish that she would listen to me for once because it feels terrible when a doctor has to tell her something I've been telling her for ages for her to be concerned or just listen.

How am I supposed to like you when you yelled at me just for being excited about something? So this might seem a bit dramatic but I’m sick of my dad so much..

Anyway I’m downstairs talking about school since I start in a week, talking about my classes and supplies and just looking at my old drawings from last year. So I wanted to show my mom and get her approval because that’s what any normal kid does. And I’m talking all excited and he cuts me off saying, “what time is it?”. Uhm… couldn’t you have waited? It’s not that big of a deal but it just hurt a bit? It shows you don’t like me and don’t respect what I have to say.. I’m just a big over thinker and have diagnosed anxiety so that might be it? So I’m still talking because you aren’t going to interrupt me?? I was talking first. And then my mom replied to him saying “maybe like 1 minute.” And then I keep talking after she said that since I assumed he heard her, but then he goes “what did you say!?” Like really loud while I was talking AGAIN. So I’m obviously a bit annoyed, can’t you see I’m talking to her?? About something I’m excited about.. and my mom is annoyed so she yells “1 minute!” And I was still talking then, so he just yells at me, “I can’t hear what you’re fucking saying because (name) keeps fucking talking!” Uhmmm that hurt…? You didn’t need to yell at me so I just went quiet and walked away with my drawing and ended up throwing it out since that bothered me so much. Idk but this just bothered me because I never hangout with them and now when I do I just get cursed at.

Anyway this was yesterday and I wanted to have a nice day, make pizza and just be all happy. And I’m getting the stuff ready for it and he keeps pestering me, and I tell him to stop because I didn't like it, speaking CALMLY. But he just laughed at me so I yelled to make him take me seriously.. I don’t like raising my voice so why do you make me? Anyway. So this is when we are finally making pizzas and I’m happy because my mom’s with me for a couple of seconds just alone. And he comes over and the whole mood goes out, it’s now annoyance and thick.. like a storm cloud covering the sun. So yeah my mom finished making her pizza and I did the same. And he says, “your pizza looks really nice, can you make mine?” This is supposed to be something nice that I made up. So my mom goes, “no.” And then my dad says, “why?” In a laughing tone that pisses me off. And my mom says, “because you said it like a child who just wants his way, are you that lazy that you can’t make your own pizza?” And obviously she’s had a hard day and she nannies all the time. So he just laughs and it was a weird annoyed laughter that just throws me off.. so I finished my pizza quickly and the ovens ready, and he’s the only one not done taking 10 minutes just to do it.. when my mom and me are done waiting for him, who’s taking his sweet old time. So my mom yells at him, “can you hurry up? We are waiting for you.” And he just yells at her, “what the fuck do you mean!? I’m fucking doing it!” Uhm don’t yell at my mom. You aren’t a man. You’re just a leech. And I keep remembering vividly me coming home from school to him hitting her while she was begging him on her knees crying. Begging him to stop hitting her. She’s strong enough to fight back, but she doesn’t want to hurt him so she just SITS THERE DOING NOTHING. And the way I cowardly ran to my room doing homework on my bed through tears by hearing her cry. I’ll never forgive him, never forget, and never ever stop hating him. He’s a fucking monster and doesn’t deserve to live. If he can hurt my mom he can hurt me. And he’s hurt my dog before. He hit my dog repeatedly and that poor dog is scared of him. Scared of being hit. And I’m scared that he’ll shove his hand in my mouth again and throw my chewed up food against the wall.

So yes, I fucking hate my dad and I won’t EVER talk to him. I won’t forgive him. And I won’t tell him how I feel because I’m just a coward. And I’m scared he’ll hit me. I can fight back but I’m only 13, I can’t do much for a middle school girl. But I sure as hell will make sure he won’t hurt my mom ever again. I’ll make him never be able to hurt her. I’ll turn our family into a case on the news if he tries.

A Home That Doesn’t Feel Like Home

Lately, I feel like my own house isn’t my safe place anymore. Ang ingay ng sigawan at away ni mama’t papa, parang wala nang pahinga. I thought after losing kuya and mommy, they would see me, take care of me, hold me a little closer. For a while, they did — but only for a short time. After three months, they went back to their old ways. They knew my triggers, they knew how much their fighting breaks me, pero parang wala lang.

When I got sick, I just wanted to be found. I left my door unlocked hoping mama would come in, sit beside me, ask how I was. Pero when papa told her to check on me, she answered coldly, like caring for me was a burden. Masakit marinig na parang wala akong halaga.

It hurts even more because I help her at home. I wash the dishes, I clean, I do my part. Pero kahit gano’n, mas maalaga at mas sweet pa sila sa pinsan ko, kahit hindi naman siya nakakatulong sa gawaing bahay. Ako na nga yung gumagawa, ako pa yung parang hindi nakikita.

That’s why these past weeks, I’ve been cold to them. Parang mas gusto pa nila yung pinsan ko kaysa sakin. They don’t realize how much it kills my spirit when I give, give, and give, but I don’t feel cared for in return.

I feel so fragile. I miss kuya, I miss mommy, I miss the way they made me feel safe and loved. I just want someone to take care of me, especially when I’m sick. Pero sa halip, I get sharp voices, cold answers, and the feeling that I’m too much to deal with.

Sometimes, I just want to leave this place. Ang hirap tumira sa bahay na parang hindi tahanan. I want peace, I want love, I want to breathe.

And maybe they’ll never really understand, but I know this: my pain is real, my longing is valid, and I deserve the kind of love that doesn’t make me beg for it.

Even if my own house doesn’t feel like home, I’m learning to carry myself and be my own safe place.

I am so damn sick of my grandma being a total bitch 24/7 all the time complaining about the things I do when I stay out of her way and just lay low but no matter what its always my fault she can never ever have any blame like tonight I gave the cats a little bit of hot dog so they wouldnt be rushing out the door which also makes her mad and she got mad that I gave them some and my grandpa just sat there even though she buys them for him and I know he doesnt care like she does. Literally can never have a good day in this unwelcoming family like if Im at my parents they also complain about what I do if Im at my grandparents I get complained at here. I remember I had a bad break down ran away from home and that was the first time in like years I heard my grandma say she loved me. Jokes about my depression and says how I will be fine when I was unmedicated last year and had that bad break down. Whatever man shes in her 60s or something so shes probably just feeling old age or whatever. God I just wish my family would communicate properly without sulking/yelling/telling each other they are ungrateful because then I wouldnt feel the need to go online and complain about them and the actions