Anonymous Venting for Mental Health and Emotional Support

Hi everyone! I just… i want to get things out of my chest and read about opinions or advices… anything actually

For as long as i remember i have been passive suicidal. Even as a young child i would try and drink up shampoos and the likes just to see how it’ll affect but of course back then i didnt know the word passive suicidal. I just wasnt afraid to die and not afraid to test little limits.

I grew up not physically abused - not a hit, not a yell. But i’ve just learned that trauma can also come from a “loving family”. I was “best” in most subjects, “most” in many behaviour but somehow i cant see the pride. I’ll be in honorable mentions and i will hear “it’ll be nice to be in top10” i reached top6 and i’ll hear “top5” and so on. Like even if i tried very hard there was no, you did a great job, it’ll be “it’s better if”. I got lots pf my artwork on exhibit on school but still no “good job”. Of course back then i didnt know how important reflection of pride from important people is.

I was sexually molested by a cousin and i ran to my mom. But there was no comfort. I just slept beside her, never talked about it and ny cousin never got in trouble (and i later found out that that certain cousin also molested another cousin)

In the end i stopped trying hard in school. I never failed but i wasnt in top anymore. I just let it as it is.

When i went to college, i got in a bad relationship.

i had a boyfriend - my crush and i heard he was embarrassed (i dont know what reason). I took it to heart and i ended up having a drink with a male friend (to me when i say friend, i mean it. Friend is friend). Who actually said the group’s coming over for a drink, since i was the nearest i got there first and noone was there yet he offered to start drinking i hesitated and suggested to wait but he said they’re all on the way. So of course it didnt end up well. I got drunk. VERY DRUNK that i only remember conversation while we were still alone

“Are you gonna make hot?”

“No. I have a boyfriend”

“Cmon make me hot”

“Hey i said no” and i pushed him but i passed out then and i woke up to a room with a lot of guys. I was on a lap of a guy wiping my face and whispering “hey dont ever come back here. It’s not good for you”

Then the week after was just horrible. I received messages from unknown numbers asking me to do threesome and many more of all that shit. And with all the things going i only felt like i had to talk to my bf before he hears about it from other people. So when i told him what happened he actually ended up choking me so hard i really though i was gonna die. While he was at it he repeatedly called me a whore bitch and slut. When he calmed down he said that inwas lucky to have him cos i am so dorty and unacceptable that noone will ever have me than him. That stuck to my head. He got me pregnant and shived down pills my throat and inside me so i lose the baby. I did t but i was having brown spots. And he took me to get an abortion. I was scared so i just went with him, he said he’d leave me and i’ll have to raise the child alone. I stayed in relationship with him, thankful and lucky to have him but somehow i was dying the longer we stayed together. When i refuse him on having sex he’ll get angry or force himself and repeat and repeat and repeat that i was lucky to have him cos noone will. So you knkw in the end i dont refuse him anymore i just let it without feeling anything, he doesnt even care if i finish as long as he does, in say 2-3mins.

My family helped go abroad for work. Flight, place to stay, everything so we can start out own family. I was excited… we’ll marry. Once he found a job i asked if he can start saving up so we can get married and then i’llgo there and stay with him and look for work there too. But he started refusing, saying he needs to mind his family first. Everyday for a year i begged him to marry me, he never said yes. And i lost my way… i was breaking up with him but he didnt want to but still didnt want to even just say yes to the marriage. Ao o started dating.

And it got really messy there. Because i never admitted how baf things really were between us, i was the bad guy. I still never said anything. My parents sent me in the country where he is for a few nights, they said we go talk things out. I came there to end things.

And… you know until now… more than a decade has passed… all i see are static images… i see me getting dragged across the hotel room on my hair. Being thown in front of a mirror. Him forcing himself on me in front of the mirror while i was crying “quietly” cos i dont want trouble (effect of the being molested as child and getting no help protection or talk). Him forcing me to look at myself in the mirror while does his business and still saying “see l? This your purpose. To please and be a cum dumpster”.

I became suicidal even more. Slitting wrost. Hanging. Overdosing over and over. But i didnt seem to die 😆

Things with him eventually ended. And the the next relationship i was into i was like “i am never getting married and having a child”

All started okay with this new guy. Chemistry or spark or whatever you want to call it was great. But after over a year - only then did he admit that he was married and has a kid. I leaned in to ending things then and there but he said his wife left him long ago and he was on passively suiciding by being alcoholic and smoking. I felt bad (duhh of course - so stupid right?) i gave him a chance and things actually are good with him.

Fas forward. I have an aunt who was fighting stage 4 colon cancer. And the thing that kept her fighting? I told her i’ll get pregnant and give her a grandkid. Every visit she will faintly smile at me? Are we going home to our homecountry? Me, you and the baby on your belly? And i will be like no, not yet. Me and my bf kept trying for her. Then the day came… my aunt died. And the promise? I realized it was more than a promise now. It’s something i want too for myself. So we went on trying. In 1 year, i had 2 chemical pregnancies. Next year complete drought. Then year 3 a ingot pregnant but miscarried at 4 months. THEN i stopped wanting and trying. Became even more depressed. But after 3 months of the miscarriage, i got pregnant. And i was so scared and careful and i never let myself feel happiness cos maybe the universe will feel me and just take away the happiness. Every cramp, Discharge, blood, i rush to the ER. I wrnt back to my home country. I had gestational diabetes, had emergency CS, cos baby’s heart was slowing cos i kept forcing to give birth normally. Then after the CS i was the one who almost died.

And because we’re not married (he’s annulled by the way - legally), my father would curse me everytime and one time he pushed-hit me while carrying the baby so i talked back and that’s when he kicked me out and disowned me. I stayed with my female cousin (the one who was also molested) and i found out that my father also molested her.

So my bf went home for a month of vacation from abroad and picked us up, we’ll stay over at his parents, he has a house but isnt ready yet). And his parents house ended up a nightmare. So many neglected cats and dogs, nobody cleans, there’s poo and pee everywhere - bathroom which smells worse than public toilets, sink, even the disrack, and this is LITERALLY. I have never been in a place so filthy. The mask themselves behind “animal lover” because of having lots of pets but the animals here are mangy, tocks and fleas, rhere are roaches everywhere. Kitchen smells like a piggery. So my baby and i just stay in our assigned room most of the times. I’m tired of cleaning up after orher people’s responsibilities. I love animals, i have 2 cats of my own that i flew across countries cos i would never abndon them. My cats got infested with fleas even though they’re lovked in our room - vet said there are no locked doors for parasites. But they’re okay now. Thank goodness. There was a puppy here who when she died, nobody kept her body someplace. They just left her under the table while they eat dinner… i wasnt able to eat for 24hrs then. The hidden cruelty, the filth, the nagging like why we are always in our room. Cmon i have a baby, who puts everything in her mouth. You all cant clean. You dont want to watch over my baby so i can clean - i tell you one time i asked my bf’s mom if she can hold mu toddler for a few minutes cos i need to use the toilet, i thighs havent even touched the toilet seat and she’s yellong for me to come get my baby, it’s a good thing i held my poop cos i went out the bathroom, i saw my toddler walking alome in the living room. There are stairs she could have climbed, there are cats and dogs that bite when stepped on, my toddler isnt even 2 years old so she doesnt know how to “watch where whe walks”, there are poos and pees she could’ve put in her mouth. And when i saw my bf’s mom in the kitchen she was like “oh i was selling something” nothing bad happened but you know the what ifffff. My bf knows all these, watches me cry every night on videocall, i asked him not to say anything to his family because obviously he isnt here. When their call ends, they go to me and well… he’s not here.

My only happiness is my toddler and my 2 cats.

My bf is quite questionable.

Sometimes all i want is a conversation.

I’m alone. New people. New place - very far from my hometown. And he’ll get mad. Sometime he’ll say sorry, he said he’s under a lot of pressure and guilt. And i understand. When something hurts, like my chest or back. He’ll get angry instead of comforting me.

So i dunno. I’m very lost. I’m thinking of ending things with him cos i think i cant do this anymore to myself cos i dont want my daughter to grow up seeing “it’s okay cos it’s love” and think that it is normal. But alao im almost 40 so i think i wont have a romantic chance.. or even a career chance now would i?i just want to secure my daughter something so she doesn’t end up like me. I am so scared and lost. Alaocplease dont worry about my suicidal side. I lost it since i had her. I am even i cant die now, cos i can leave her here.

Recently, I attended a reunion with some of my old college friends. We hadn’t seen each other in years, and I was looking forward to catching up and seeing how everyone had been doing. However, what I encountered was quite different from my expectations. It seemed like we were all speaking a different language than we used to, one filled with terms from our respective fields but lacking the depth that our conversations once had. There were references to new industry standards and developments (ok, totally valid topics...) but the discussions felt hollow. It was as if we were all talking past each other rather than really connecting.

I started questioning whether these friendships truly hold the same significance in our lives now as they did back then. Sure, people evolve and so do relationships, but sitting there at the table amidst laughter and chatter that didn’t resonate with me emotionally made me wonder: Were these friendships ever deep enough to withstand the test of time? Or were they more dependent on shared experiences that no longer exist? 🤔 Even though it was nice reminiscing about old times (even sharing some laughs!) I left with a sense of superficiality hanging over the entire evening. It's puzzling when you find yourself yearning for something more meaningful in relationships that once felt irreplaceable.

Today, after school, I flipped someone off because they flipped my mother off while driving. I know that doesn’t sound like a huge deal but it was to me. Extremely. I’ll say it honestly, I’m a wimp. I’m as weenie as they come. Passive too. I would have never done it if it was directed at me but when it was at my mom it was just an instinct to protect her. So I did it back.

My main problem is I can’t stop feeling bad after I flipped the person off. I want to say sorry but if I do that then they’ll just laugh at my face. I want to know how to become more assertive and not feel guilty or bad about it. Not take shit from others and assert my stance without feeling like I’m being a burden. Does that make sense?

Please take this seriously and don’t dismiss my feelings because you see it as minor. It’s a big deal to me, and that’s what matters to me. If you find this childish or inconvenient then don’t respond, easy as that.

so i woke up today feeling stuck, almost like being trapped in a fog. wandering aimlessly through the day without a real sense of direction is not fun at all. heard about setting intentions and thought it might help me get unstuck, but then i realized i'm having a hard time understanding how they're different from goals. goals sound more focused and concrete while an intention feels more vague to me; at least that's how i perceive it. it's frustrating... should i just pick one and stick with it?

setting intentions sounds wonderful in theory, right? making this list in my mind of things to focus on each day seemed promising...like creating pathways that lead somewhere cool. but man, when they are unclear or too broad, they leave you standing there, scratching your head wondering whether any progress is happening 🙃. no one talks about how tough transitions can be when you lack clarity between intentions vs goals!

all those motivational quotes say setting intentions will steer life towards something meaningful but here I am: completely clueless! seems every effort falls short due to absence of precise differences between goal-setting frameworks versus crafting genuine intentionality pathways (if only jargon could be clearer). maybe others find this endeavor less daunting? curious if those who have mastered intention-setting feel they were once as perplexed as i am...

so here's the deal, right? i just inherited this garden from some distant relative and honestly, who knew plants could stress you out so much? it's like everyone always raves about how amazing it is to nurture life through a garden... yeah right. i mean, i'm genuinely overwhelmed with trying to keep all these things alive. i've got daisies dying here, roses that look like they've given up on life and weeds invading like they own the bloody place. and somehow, there's this absurd pressure that if this green patch of earth doesn't flourish, it reflects my personal growth or lack thereof. literally tying my growth as a person to how well i can trim a friggin' bush… what kind of twisted cosmic joke is that?

but here's the funny part, 'yada yada do what makes you happy,' they said. well sorry grandma, but dead leaves on wet dirt ain't doing the trick. 😩 and don't even get me started on those videos of suburban mommas whose hydrangeas bloom vertically or diagonally or whatever artistic pattern they've concocted in their prissy little flower beds … how!?! (insert mega exasperated scream here). meanwhile i'm struggling with whether it's even going to rain today because honestly who has time to remember which plant needs what amount of sunlight

i've done everything those YouTube gurus preach (yes john from 'plant power', i'm talking about you) trying fertilisers and watering schedules but still manage to find these sad droopy fellas every time i walk passed we'll figure it out someday; currently i've resigned myself to tough love: survival of the fittest yanno? although when something does actually grow... small victories alright 😂

tell me why this responsibility feels so different from feeding goldfish or cleaning cat litter tho 🤔 surely we measure success in inches of green shoot.. does anyone else imagine burying life's frustrations into soil hoping it'll cultivate an immunity somehow other people around town sorta nod reassuringly ‘good starts take time’ public liability planter me wonders if wasting postage was inevitable pause figuring should probably send killer cactus card back reading ‘grow.for.me.regard.growth..patience’ remembering not attempt fragile truce patience missing attribute seems bigger emotional drainage sites truth remains every glance resting celosia shrine ❤️😤

I've come to the harsh realization that perhaps, I'm not the nicest person around. In my mid-thirties, I find myself surrounded only by a single friend and a girlfriend, yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow superior to others. My lifestyle is quite reclusive; I shy away from any social gatherings related to work, and most of my routine revolves around my job, hitting the gym, smoking weed, and cycling. Traveling and cycling in the forest are my escapes, the rare times I don't feel swamped by depression.

Interacting with people, especially in groups, is a daunting task for me. The fear of turning red-faced and being judged negatively is always lurking. Thus, I avoid such situations altogether. There's a worrisome intensity in the way I live; I indulge too often in alcohol or getting high, viewing people merely as elements that enhance my own existence. My eyes wander too freely, admiring every attractive woman I come across, often blatantly flirting in the presence of my girlfriend. Even though these thoughts are never vocalized, I often catch myself belittling others or feeling utter disdain towards them internally.

I confess to being a staunch atheist, holding a disdainful view towards those who are spiritually inclined, believing myself to be smarter, better-looking, and stronger. The resentment builds whenever I see someone possessing what I desire, although I manage to keep this anger bottled up within.

Dominating these emotions is a profound sense of isolation, mixed oddly with a perverse comfort in wallowing in my misery. Sometimes, hurting my own feelings seems like a twisted form of pleasure, perhaps because it means feeling something at all.

My family background does little to lighten my outlook. My brother lives with the dark shadow of being a murderer and a former heroin addict. My father was a violent man, devoid of emotions, who ultimately took his own life. My mother, afflicted by illness so severe that she has been bedridden since my childhood, sparks a guilt within me for not taking care of her. However, I've chosen a path of self-preservation as dedicating myself to her care would consume my own existence entirely.

This life I've crafted for myself is one I despise, yet a part of me feels I shouldn't. With a good education, a well-paying job, and an undeniable appeal to women, I should feel fulfilled. Instead, I’m left feeling empty and, frankly, disgusted with myself for sounding like a self-pitying fool. What the hell is wrong with me?

Despite my efforts not to belittle others overtly, the impression that people don’t like me is hard to shake off. Loneliness is a constant companion.

If I were to join a reality show, my character might be polarizing. Would the audience appreciate my brutally honest introspections, or would they be repelled by my self-confessed arrogance and emotional detachment? It's intriguing yet terrifying to ponder how my persona would unfold under the constant scrutiny of cameras and a public audience.

I chose the friendship stories category but yeah it's related to friendship, love, family, work... I am like that.

Hey everyone, I’m not usually one to air my personal stuff, but I really need some advice here. For the past few months, I’ve had this gut feeling that my wife might be cheating on me, and it's eating me alive. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but the signs are starting to pile up, and I’m just not sure what to do.

It all started when she began staying late at work more often. At first, I didn’t think much of it—she’s always been dedicated to her job. But then, she became super protective of her phone. She used to leave it lying around, but now she keeps it close and seems to be on it all the time, even at odd hours. And when I casually ask about her day, her answers feel...vague? Like she’s hiding something.

Then there are the little things. She started dressing up more than usual, even just to “run errands” or meet friends. It’s almost like she’s trying to impress someone. I’ve tried to brush it off, telling myself I’m being paranoid, but every time I bring it up, she gets defensive or says I’m just being insecure. It makes me feel like maybe I’m overthinking, but part of me feels like my concerns are valid.

To make things worse, I found a receipt for a fancy dinner that she said was a "work thing," but I know her company usually doesn’t do dinners like that. I keep second-guessing myself, and now I’m stuck in this loop of anxiety. I don’t want to accuse her without solid proof, but I also can’t keep living in this uncertainty.

So here I am, asking for advice. Has anyone else been through this? How do you confront someone you love without it turning into a huge fight? Should I even bring it up again, or am I just being paranoid? Any advice would be appreciated—I feel like I’m losing my mind here.

For the longest time, I’ve been stuck in this cycle of excuses. I’d wake up every morning telling myself I’d make changes, that today would be different, but by the time the day ended, I was back to square one. Whether it’s eating healthier, exercising, or even just cleaning my space, I keep putting it off. I’d tell myself, "I’ll start tomorrow," but tomorrow never seems to come.

Yesterday was my breaking point. I was scrolling through social media and saw an old friend post about running their first marathon. I remember how we used to run together, how much I loved it back then. And now? I can’t even jog up the stairs without feeling winded. It hit me like a ton of bricks—what am I even doing with my life? Why do I keep finding reasons to avoid what I know I need to do?

I looked around my apartment after that. Clothes piled up on the floor, dishes in the sink from who-knows-how-many days ago, and a gym membership card collecting dust on the counter. That’s when it finally clicked—it’s time to stop. It’s time to stop avoiding the hard stuff, time to stop pretending everything will fix itself, and time to stop being my own worst enemy.

I don’t have a perfect plan yet, and honestly, I’m scared I’ll slip back into my old habits. But I know I can’t keep going like this. If I don’t make a change now, when will I? Maybe writing this out will help me stay accountable. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re feeling stuck too, maybe it’s time to stop and take the first step. We’ve got this.

Got lots of love to give but no one wants to have it. They want the toxic ones.

Hi so my love life has been shit and so I've written some piece. I have no prior experience in writing or anything. I just wrote whatever I wanted to and this is what i've written

BLASPHEMY

Author’s Note: This piece is my own personal story which is inspired to me by the song I love and relate, Kalapastangan by fitterkarma

“ I’ll die with a smile

As long as you are by my side

I’ll live with regret

If I couldn’t make you smile one day yet

It is blasphemy not to love you

It is madness not to think of you

If the world were to suddenly fall apart

You’re the first one I’d look for….”

If one were to ask how I feel about you, these words would always be the first to conquer my mind.

I can feel them rushing through the blood in every part of my body, engraving my soul. All my five senses; sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch, yearns for you only, only you….

How could I ever stop loving you? It’s a sin to even think of such dreadful thoughts!!!!

I wonder how much of everything was real to you? Maybe everything was fun to you, though it was never to me and will never be. I was foolish to think I ever meant something to you. My whole world crashed as I realized I’ll never be…

They are sick of hearing about you, they tell me to forget about you. But how could I ever!? One told me to admire you but how am I supposed do that only as I have always admired you from faraway…

It aches to have the thoughts of you forever disappearing from my life. It pains to let go of you.

I wish I never realized I love you…

They tell me to not overthink and I’ll be okay but what wrong have I done? Is it a sin to love someone very deeply? They don’t believe me when I tell them I’ll keep on loving you even if you don’t exist in my chapter anymore but I know for sure you’d be the one for me as long as you exist, even if years passes by…

Even though it was for short moment, I’ll keep it close to my soul for eternity. The thought of moving on, forgetting about you and falling in love with someone new genuinely kills me deep from inside. I was over the moon when you first texted me and I could feel happiness oozing out from myself during the times we spent together.

I curse the universe for this seriously. Why does the universe have to play this game to me? Ever time I wanted to forget about you, the universe would keep reminding me about you!! If only I never realized I loved you, if only you didn’t text me and met me; would I be in this much pain….

I don’t want these emotions to be fleeting, I don’t want to forget about my love for you. So, I can be reminded of this everytime if I start forgetting. If only you knew how much everything meant to me. You’d always be the one in my mind always and every passing moment, the one whom I look for amongst the places I go, knowing you’ll never be there….

I LOVE YOU “S”.

Music Credit: “Kalapastangan” by fitterkarma (lyrics translated by iyang)