Is my boyfriend cheating? The signs that mean something and the ones that don't

What people notice before they ask

The stories that ask this question all start with a list. The reader who wrote I don't trust my boyfriend listed a phone that is never left on the table, a new lock code, a friend from work who is mentioned too often and then not at all. The one who asked is she cheating? listed late shifts that did not match the pay. The author of Convinced my wife is cheating, one of the most replied stories on the site with sixty replies, listed everything, and the replies spent most of their time sorting the list.

That sorting is the useful part of these threads, because the person asking has usually lost the ability to do it.

The signs the replies take seriously

Across the threads, the replies agree on a short list of things that are rarely innocent when they appear together and suddenly.

• A change in phone habits that coincides with a change in mood: the phone was fine on the table for two years and is now never out of reach, and he is irritable when asked anything about it.
• Time that cannot be accounted for and stories that shift when retold. One late evening is nothing; a pattern of evenings with explanations that change is what the replies point at.
• Accusing you first. Several authors describe being accused of jealousy or of cheating themselves at the exact moment they started asking questions.
• A new person, named often and then never. The replies in am I losing my boyfriend to his best friend? are about that progression.

The signs the replies push back on

Just as often, the replies tell the author that what they listed describes anxiety, not evidence.

• A password on a phone, by itself. Most people have one, and the replies say so every time.
• Less sex, or less attention, with no other change. The replies are more likely to ask about stress, work, health or the relationship itself than about someone else.
• A feeling with nothing attached. Several authors admit, in the thread, that they were cheated on before and that the feeling is older than the boyfriend. The replies treat that seriously and separately.
• Things found by searching. Reading his messages tends to produce ambiguous fragments that confirm whatever the reader already believed, and the threads where the author did it rarely end well either way.

How to bring it up, according to people who did

The replies do not recommend an ambush, a test, or a confession extracted at midnight. What the authors who came back describe as having worked is simpler: saying, calmly and once, what they noticed and what it made them feel, and asking a direct question. The answer is not always the truth, and the replies know that. But the way the question is received tells a lot: anger and counter-accusation on one side, discomfort and an explanation that holds up on the other. Several threads also note that the question "is he cheating?" sometimes hides another one, "do I still want this?", and that the reader who asked should I break up with my boyfriend? was answering it.

If it turns out to be true

Some authors found out. The stories about what came next, such as how to get over cheating? and how to gain trust back after lying, are about the two roads: leaving, and staying with conditions. The replies do not pick one for you; they describe what each cost the people who chose it. Both are discussed at length in the couple stories category.

Writing yours

List what you noticed, since when, and what changed around the same time. Leave out names and anything that would identify him; you are asking strangers to read a situation, not to judge a person. You sign in with an existing account and only a generated pseudonym is shown; stories are reviewed before publication.

Questions and answers

Should I check his phone?

The replies are divided, and the threads where it was done rarely describe relief. Most suggest asking first, and treating a refusal to talk as information in itself.

What if I have no proof, just a feeling?

Say so. The replies take the feeling seriously and then ask where it comes from; sometimes it is him, sometimes it is a previous relationship, and the difference matters.

Is it normal to have doubts in a relationship?

Yes; there is a whole thread on it among the is-it-normal stories. Constant doubt with nothing attached is a different matter and the replies say so.

Is this anonymous?

Yes. Your name and email are never stored; other members only see a pseudonym generated from your account.