Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

i swear i dont even know whats wrong with me anymore. i cant stop thinkin about him like all day all night its just him in my head 24/7. like its drivin me crazy. we aint even talkin anymore but i still keep checkin my phone every 5 mins like maybe he’ll text or like maybe he’s thinkin bout me too (even tho i know he probly not). we was never official official but it felt real to me. we had a connection, the way he looked at me, the way we talked for hours, laughin about dumb stuff. nd now? nothin. just silence. nd it hurts more than i thought it would. like why can’t i just move on like a normal person?? why am i still stuck on someone who don’t even care if i’m breathin or not??

my friends keep tellin me to forget him, to block him, delete the pics, all that. nd i tried. for real. i tried to distract myself, go out more, talk to other ppl, even flirt a lil just to see if i could feel somethin again. but i don’t. its like no one hits the same. i see him everywhere too, like songs remind me of him, certain spots in school feel weird without him there. i even wear that hoodie he let me borrow still, even tho i know it’s dumb. nd the worst part? he moved on like it was nothin. he’s talkin to someone else now and actin like i never mattered. like i was just a phase or some fun thing he did for a bit. nd maybe i was. maybe i made it bigger in my head than it really was. but to me, it felt real. nd now i just feel stupid for fallin so hard.

sometimes i cry at night just thinkin bout what i did wrong. was i too much? not enough? did i scare him off by feelin too deep? i replay convos in my head, thinkin what i coulda said diff, what i coulda changed. nd yeah i kno, i shouldn’t blame myself, but how do u not when someone u gave your heart to just lets it go like it was nothin?? he said things that made me think he cared. he looked at me like i was the only person in the room. he made me feel seen, nd now i feel invisible. like i was only temporary. like i’m just another girl he’ll forget soon.

i just want it to stop. the overthinkin, the dreamin bout him, the way my heart still jumps when i see his name pop up somewhere. i wish i could just shut off the part of my brain that still misses him. that still wants him. but i can’t. he’s stuck in me. nd maybe one day i’ll get over it, maybe someone new will make me forget how bad this hurts, but rn? rn it feels like i’m gonna feel this forever. like he broke somethin in me without even tryin. nd he probly don’t even kno. or care. but i do. nd that’s what sucks the most. cuz even if he don’t feel nothin, i still can't stop thinkin bout him. nd i hate that i still want someone who dont want me.

For my husband's birthday, I decided to surprise him with a homemade two-layer banana cake, knowing his appreciation for the flavor, despite his lactose intolerance. To accommodate his dietary restrictions, I meticulously prepared both a vegan frosting and a delightful vegan toffee sauce, which I was proud of. As we prepared to sing "Happy Birthday," I excitedly mentioned the special cake and its vegan components while he approached the dessert table.

Unexpectedly, in front of all our guests, he questioned the point of baking him a cake at all, given he hadn't enjoyed them for years. His blunt response left me feeling deeply wounded, especially since I had hoped to make his day special. It confused me further because whenever I bought him banana cake from our local bakery, he seemed to genuinely enjoy it, often praising it.

Despite the awkward moment, I tried to maintain a cheerful demeanor for the remainder of the party. Afterward, he sensed my dismay and inquired if I was alright. I expressed my disappointment and vowed never to bake for him again, to which he oddly thanked me, adding that I should have known better, making me feel even worse.

Compounding the situation was the fact that we share the same birthday, and I had also prepared a separate chocolate cake for myself, which now felt more like a solace than a celebration.

Can you imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show? Cameras rolling as the tension unfolds, capturing every nuance of the interaction and likely amplifying our expressions and reactions for dramatic effect. Viewers would probably be divided, with some sympathizing with my attempt to personalize a thoughtful gesture and others possibly siding with my husband, thinking perhaps there was some unspoken backstory explaining his harsh reaction. The discussion panels would buzz, and social media would light up with opinions and possibly even memes, turning our private moment into a public spectacle.

I certainly felt alone and misunderstood in that moment, but how would I have handled the amplified pressure of public judgment? Would the added scrutiny help mend our miscommunication, or would it drive a deeper wedge between us?

Growing up, I always thought being part of a group meant you’d never feel lonely. But even when I’m surrounded by people—at work, with friends, or even family gatherings—I can’t shake the feeling that I’m on the outside looking in. It’s not like anyone is outright mean or tells me I don’t belong. It’s more subtle than that, but it hurts all the same.

Take last weekend, for example. A group of friends from work decided to get together for dinner. We’ve been working on the same team for years, and I thought I was close to them. But when I showed up, it felt like I was invisible. They were laughing about inside jokes, swapping stories from a night out I wasn’t part of, and talking about upcoming plans I hadn’t even heard about. I smiled, nodded, and pretended it didn’t bother me, but by the end of the night, I couldn’t wait to leave. The ride home was the worst. All I could think about was why they hadn’t thought to include me before—or why I couldn’t seem to fit in no matter how hard I tried.

It’s the same story with my family sometimes. During holiday dinners, my siblings will chat about things they’ve done together—movie nights, road trips, little moments I wasn’t a part of. It’s not like they’re trying to exclude me, but I always end up feeling like an afterthought. Even when I try to join the conversation, it doesn’t take long before it drifts back to something I can’t relate to. I sit there, smiling politely, feeling more and more like I don’t belong.

What’s frustrating is that I’ve tried so hard to be part of things. I’ve reached out, suggested plans, and done everything I can to show that I want to be included. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, I feel like I’m forcing myself into spaces where I’m not really wanted. And that feeling of not being wanted? It’s worse than being alone.

i’ve started to wonder if it’s something about me that pushes people away. Am I too quiet? Too awkward? Or maybe I just don’t have that magnetic personality some people seem to have—the kind that draws others in effortlessly. I wish I knew the answer because, honestly, I’m tired of feeling like this.

At work, it’s even harder. I see coworkers chatting easily during breaks, planning lunch together, or sharing little moments that bring them closer. Meanwhile, I’m sitting there, trying not to look like I care too much while eating lunch alone at my desk. It’s not like I expect to be everyone’s best friend, but being left out all the time feels like a constant reminder that I’m just... different.

I try to remind myself that it’s not always personal. People get busy.. They form closer bonds with certain people for no particular reason. But logic doesn’t make the sting any less real when you’re scrolling through social media and see the photos of the dinner you weren’t invited to, the group trip you didn’t even know about, or the inside joke you’re not in on.

The worst part is how isolating it feels. You want to talk to someone about it, but how do you say, “I feel left out,” without sounding overly sensitive or needy? Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this loop of pretending it doesn’t bother me while quietly wishing things were different.

I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Plenty of people have probably felt left out at one time or another. But when it happens again and again, it starts to feel like a pattern you can’t break. I keep telling myself that I need to focus on the people who do make me feel included and the moments where I genuinely belong, but it’s easier said than done.

I don’t have a neat ending to this story because it’s something I’m still figuring out. Some days, I feel hopeful—like maybe I’ll find my place, my people, and everything will click. Other days, it’s harder, and the loneliness feels heavier. But if there’s one thing I’m learning, it’s that belonging isn’t always about fitting perfectly into someone else’s group. Sometimes, it’s about creating your own space where you feel seen and valued.

So, here’s to figuring it out—one awkward moment, one brave step at a time. If you’ve ever felt like this, just know you’re not alone. And maybe, just maybe, the people who matter most are waiting to find us, too.

I feel like love has knocked on my door. It seems like some stories are approved and published, while others aren't. I feel like I'm standing in front of the love of my life, the person I've loved the most for a very long time. I can't wait to be without her for one more minute. I can't stop thinking about her, and it's not in an unpleasant way, a back-and-forth, but quite the opposite. This time, I like the feeling I'm experiencing, and it's sensational. I also feel like it's two-way, not just a one-way thing. I feel like this time we're both on the same wavelength, not one going in one direction and then the other pulling, and so on. It's the best thing that could have happened to me in my life. I don't really like it when some stories are published and nothing is said about them, unlike others; it's like leaving aside things that are separate from one another, and it's not pleasant.

I want to be with that girl I met in that library. It's not a lie; I feel like we both love each other deeply. To hell with it, whether others believe me or not, to hell with the structures I have to break, I only want to be with that girl forever. I'm tired of so many failed attempts with girls, always ending at a distance. But how long will that end? For so long, I've been waiting for the doors of love to open before me. I can't waste it under any circumstances; this only happened to me once as a child, and now it's happening again; it's the same feeling.

I don't know where she is, not even her name, I just know that I love her deeply. I wish she could penetrate my WhatsApp—I feel like all my stories are equivalent to the same thing; I feel like every one you post, every one you comment on, every one you should let me know. I feel like love has finally come to me. How many years have I been searching for that feeling I felt as a child again? That's why I embarked on this personal journey again, because I felt it was there, just dormant. I can swear, I've found it again.

I can't let this girl leave my life under any circumstances. I couldn't handle that reality. Ever since I realized that girl loved me, but because she neglected her feelings, I couldn't be with her. It hurt so much. I'm exhausted from so many romantic disappointments. This has to be my chance. I pray that it is. I can't take another one. If it is, I feel like I'll go down the drain.

When I was a kid, I made so many mistakes with the girl with whom I felt that special something. I despaired. I broke up with her because of that, via Messenger message, precisely because of that, because I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel like it's been haunting me for the rest of my life. I was a kid too. From that moment on, I haven't had another girlfriend. I can't believe that right now I'm experiencing that same feeling of connection again, that same feeling of wanting to be together. From so much writing, from so much digging myself out, I managed to reach that possibility again, that I might experience something rich with someone, something pleasurable, something full of joy, not confusing, but rather euphoric.

How is it possible that in such vague encounters this girl and I have felt the same thing? It's simultaneous. Maybe I was wrong when I said that love existed—I feel like a woman's daughter isn't talking to me because I didn't look further; she's sort of directing that beyond; it's obvious she likes to be mischievous in terms of rebelling against her mother, but I wasn't going to do that. I feel like I do feel it here, I do experience it. When I left seeing this girl, I only felt joy and more joy, and I don't know why; I think I've only seen her twice, and it was by accident. I don't even know what she studies, or anything about her life, I just knew that I loved her. It can't be, this seems to be, what they call love at first sight.

Damn! I feel very excited—on another website, these kinds of stories were deleted, and I didn't understand why. I never thought I'd experience this love at first sight thing. I mean, with that girl, I was just being sketchy, the way she likes it, and that was it. Always remembering such an act of respect, which I know hurts when someone doesn't remember you. I feel like we somehow connected; I remember that wherever I was, she passed by me, and I looked at her many times, and then I realized how much it bothered her, and I bowed my head, just like she did, and we connected. I felt like we understood each other in a very, very deep way, and it's fascinating to find someone like that in this world.

I remember her carrying books, nervous, always trying to do her best. I couldn't get enough of her. I was in those shoes too. A few weeks later, going to the place—where he works, apparently sometimes—I identified the annoyance he felt about coming on a weekend, and I knew it immediately. I understood that annoyance, and also how hidden it was, and how naturally he expressed it. It felt like I'd found my soulmate a long time ago. I never thought anything would happen to me. It was a truly beautiful experience A week before, I remember, I was trying to get away from her. I always saw her looking for some scenario to start a relationship, and that was exactly what I did. Of course, that was something she didn't like when she saw it in someone else, just like me. I feel like we have these things in common, but there are several more. Where there's one, there's more. I definitely don't think about blaming a woman to get to her daughter; I know that was what she wanted with me, it was a counter to her daughter's pranks, which, apparently, isn't the first time she's tried to get rid of her.

After so much exploration, I saw that all those emotions were perhaps not what I thought they were. I admittedly let myself go. At first, I saw it as something grand, fantastic, phenomenal, but today I see it as something flat and relaxed. I thought I'd take her to the ends of the earth with all the luxuries, but I think I was a bit deluded. I hope that girl has settled down just like I have. Although, after falling into this lull, I confess, I don't know what to do. I thought there would be many more details, but I don't feel like I'm missing any.

So, after everything I've written, what did I feel? Indeed, we're talking about empathy, but that's not what I mean. What will I go beyond? Was this just a momentary joy? Will I never go out with her, and will it go any further? Will I then return to my boring old life? I don't see my life as a good thing right now, under any circumstances. I've already left there; I don't want to go back. I say it, truly, I want to be with this girl, I want to go out with her, and I don't think she'll take no for an answer. I know it's not right to be together, but how many times have I said that and realized there's no such love? How many heartbreaks have I had? I feel like this woman's daughter isn't talking to me because I didn't go further with her; Out of respect, and I feel like him distancing himself from me seems like a very toxic form of pressure. "When will I be with the new girl? When will I be with her?" "I feel like the thing with the girl didn't work out because I didn't want her, I didn't love her in any way; in fact, since I stopped trying with that girl, I feel like I'm no longer on the path to repeating my parents' story." "I feel like with this new girl, I'm heading towards a new story, a story where I'm finally with myself, where that's reflected."

I have to say it: I feel like I love this new girl, and that's it. However, I'm worried about making a mess, about the repercussions on my environment." "Another girl felt those feelings, and by becoming a mess with them, she lost me permanently; to the point that I had to permanently leave where I was so as not to feel her persecution. Plus, an entire environment supports her with the mess she'd turned her life into; how much damage can a person do when their life is about to fall on them or explode every now and then."

I never thought I’d end up here, but here I am, dreading every single morning when my alarm goes off. I hate my job. There, I said it. I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s just a phase, that everyone feels like this sometimes, but it’s been almost a year, and nothing’s changed. If anything, it’s gotten worse.

The work itself isn’t even that bad. I mean, it’s not what I’m passionate about, but it’s tolerable. The real problem is the people. My boss is one of those micro-managers who has to be involved in every tiny detail. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. I’ll spend hours on a project, only for them to nitpick and make me redo the whole thing for no real reason. It’s exhausting and makes me feel like all my effort is pointless.

Then there’s the office culture—or lack of it. Nobody talks to each other unless it’s about work. Lunch breaks feel like detention, with everyone silently eating at their desks or scrolling through their phones. I tried to make friends when I first started, but everyone already seemed to have their little cliques. After a while, I just gave up.

What really gets to me, though, is the constant pressure. It’s like they expect us to give 110% all the time, but they don’t give anything back. Overtime is practically mandatory, but don’t expect a “thank you” or even acknowledgment for staying late. And forget about a raise or promotion—that’s a pipe dream. It’s hard not to feel bitter when you’re working so hard and getting nothing in return.

I keep telling myself I should just quit, but it’s not that simple. I’ve got bills to pay, and the job market isn’t exactly booming right now. Plus, there’s this tiny voice in the back of my head that keeps asking, “What if the next job is just as bad—or worse?” It’s like I’m stuck in this cycle where I hate my job, but I’m too scared to leave.

Even at home, I can’t seem to escape it. I’m constantly checking emails or stressing about the next deadline. It’s like my job has taken over my entire life, and I don’t know how to take it back. My family keeps telling me to just hang in there, but they don’t understand how draining it is. By the end of the day, I’m too tired to even think about applying for other jobs, let alone pursuing something I actually enjoy.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’s me. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this kind of work. Or maybe I’m being ungrateful because at least I have a job. But then I think about how miserable I am, and I can’t help but feel like there has to be more to life than this. Doesn’t there?

If anyone else feels this way, I’d love to know how you’re coping—or if you’ve managed to get out, how did you do it? Right now, I just feel stuck, and honestly, it’s hard to see a way forward. All I know is, I can’t keep living like this. Something’s gotta give.

Before my wife, Evelyn, and I tied the knot, we meticulously discussed crucial aspects such as our living arrangements, handling familial issues, and parenting philosophies. We wanted to ensure that our core values aligned, avoiding potential deal breakers down the line.

Notably, we reached a consensus on one key financial aspect: as long as our children were enrolled as full-time students, they wouldn't need to contribute financially to the household. They would still be required to help out with household chores, of course. Conversely, if they chose not to pursue further education, they would be granted a six-month grace period following their academic or professional pursuits. Post this period, they would need to start paying rent which we decided would equate to a quarter of what they'd earn at a full-time minimum wage job.

This agreement was forged back in 1998 and held firm with our children. Our eldest, Michael, after high school, chose to work, save up, and then travel the globe rather than attend college. Upon his return, he embarked on an apprenticeship and is now successfully established as a welder. Our daughter, Lisa, pursued a degree in nursing and secured her position in a reputable hospital. However, our youngest, Tom, dropped out after his first semester in college and displayed no interest in working thereafter.

When the six-month mark post his academic dropout came around, I informed him of his need to start contributing financially. Distraught, Tom sought empathy from Evelyn, and to my surprise, she waived his financial responsibilities without prior discussion with me. It’s important to note that Evelyn manages our finances, including the household bills which I contribute to from my income, and any surplus she earns goes into her personal expenditure or our joint vacation fund.

Feeling undermined, I decided to reduce my monthly financial contribution by the amount equivalent to Tom’s supposed rent and one-third of our food expenses as a form of protest against the unilateral decision made by Evelyn. This sparked significant tension between us. She confronted me about the sudden decrease in funds, to which I explained my stance on being consistent with our original agreement, highlighting her deviation from it without mutual consent.

Consequently, Evelyn had to dip into our vacation savings to cover the shortfall, also curbing her personal spending significantly, which only added to her frustration. Accusations of financial manipulation were thrown my way, and she ventured to gain the support of Michael and Lisa, both of whom sided with me, insisting on the importance of upholding agreed-upon family rules.

Evelyn's decision and my response could be seen as a critical plot twist if this were to unfold in a reality show setting, likely provoking a polarized response from the audience. Viewers might side with her compassionate approach or might applaud the firm stance on agreed-upon family protocols.

Who do you think is right in this family disagreement?

Hey everyone, just last week my flatmate Sophie hit me with some pretty big news—she’s pregnant, and not just a little bit, she’s seven months in! It began with a text from her saying we needed to talk urgently, and naturally, I assumed she’d be moving out to find a bigger place with her boyfriend when the baby arrives. Surprisingly, it was quite the opposite; she told me I have to leave to make room for the nursery and for her boyfriend to move in.

Now, here's where it stings; I'm not rolling in dough, I’m actually on an incredibly tight budget and can’t afford another place to live! Nonetheless, Sophie insisted that I need to vacate the apartment immediately to give her space to prepare for her new arrival. Looking around, the rental scene in our area is just insane—everything's either way over my budget or downright dilapidated.

When I tried to explain this to Sophie, things pretty much blew up. She accused me of sabotaging her experience of motherhood by not giving up my spot for her and her growing family. I do pay my share of the rent, and my name is on the lease until the year’s end. I stood my ground, telling her that if she's the one needing different accommodations, it should be her who moves. I even offered to find another roommate to cover the rent with me.

This set her off even more, making her cry, and her boyfriend even stepped in to tell me to back off and leave them alone. Since then, she hasn't stopped sobbing, but I really think I’m not wrong here for wanting to stay.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move out?

Imagine if this whole drama unfolded on a reality TV show—there would definitely be cameras zooming in on every teary disagreement and probably confessional booths where I'd vent about being pushed out of my own home. Viewers would no doubt be picking sides, voting on whether I should fight my ground or just pack up and go for peace’s sake. It would be a whole spectacle, surrounded by public opinion and probably swaying some sympathy votes from the audience.

I’m new to this and I just need to vent out some of my frustrations. Advice or guidance would be appreciated. There are not a prominent number of people present in my life that are familiar with this issue. If someone who has experienced this or knows someone who has experienced this wants to share some advice/feedback/ect, I would be indebted and grateful. Idk if this will be approved, hopefully it will.

———

I have noticed that my loathing comes in waves. I will have a moment of time where I feel fine and somewhat okay with myself. Revisiting the evidence that a homosexual relationship is fine, the Bible only condemns homosexual sex. However, I will fall back into that trap of loathing over the existence of my homosexuality, wondering “What if I’m wrong? What if even the mere concept of being in a relationship with a woman is bad, even if it is not sexual?” Then boom, I’m pulled back into a depressive episode that affects everything from my school, to even my personal relationships.

Even though I’m trying my darnedest to hide my struggling, part of me wants others to notice, so I can be given comfort or support. Is that attention seeking? I’m not sure, but that is the only way I feel comfortable enough ”asking” for help. I’m not great with words or emotions, so maybe if people can put the dots together and come to a conclusion, then my actions and what they see will do the work for me. So that I don’t have to walk up to them and initiate the uncomfortable conversation, they will do it themselves. The closest I came to genuinely approaching someone for help was the social worker, and she didn’t listen to me and dismiss my problems, claiming it was something else entirely.

I don’t think she can relate or empathize with what I’m going through. Sexuality in tandem with religious guilt is a bit more nuanced than simply feeling lonely or having a bad break up and feeling sad about it. I have tried talking to some of the other people who visited her. One of my friends visited her for her issue. She told me a very similar story, that the social worker listened to her for around five minutes and then proceeded to misinterpret the situation and spin it into something else entirely. Recommending something that for not help address the issue, usually it consists of “You are just lonely and need friends, get friends, ignore the issue, and focus on school. It is not that big of a deal because it a phase that we all go through,” (Well, a hyperbolic summarization, but that is what I and many others took away from her meetings.)

I have yet to meet anyone who has actually benefited from their visits with her. I think I’m better off confiding in one of my teachers, I know them, they know me, there is more comfort and trust. The problem with confiding with someone is no one is really familiar or understanding of my situation. From my own experience and observations, there is not a lot of people who know or are familiar enough with such a nuanced and risky situation. If I confide in my friends there will be two parties, the side that says “Hell yeah, kiss women! Screw your religion,” and the “Idk, just stop being gay and marry a godly man, lol.” Both are not helpful in the slightest, I can’t just abandon God, or stop being gay, (I have already tried.)

I empathize with the fact that she most likely does not understand what I’m experiencing. I’m not superb at communicating my emotions or being vulnerable. I’m too walled-off and emotional inept to be equipped with the necessary capabilities to effectively express my grief. I feel as if I can’t trust anyone with this information. It required a monumental amount of effort to push myself to even apply for the appointment, let alone attending it. I’m dreading the next appointment...

She recommended that I acquire more female friends because I’m devoid of “girl-hood”, it irritates me that she deluded my feelings to something so trivial and simple. I have experienced this attraction ever since I was in elementary school. I have always been drawn to femininity and the female figure.

I have had the desire of wanting and desiring another woman carnally. Femininity is enthralling as well, I just can’t help but appreciate and bask in another woman elegance, beauty, and grace. I felt and experienced such deep-seated feelings for women that I never had for a guy. The feelings and appreciation for women span such a nuance that only I would know. It would be futile to attempt to put them down on paper (or in this case text.)

She telling me that not attracted to girls, that it is a phase that I can get over, and that I just want to be like them. I regret not correcting her on my perspective, however, I’m too effete to speak up any how. I crave the intimacy, connection, and something more carnal that one can only receive through a deeper more intimate relationship. What I desire cannot be found only in “girl-hood” or within the confines of a platonic relationship. As such, attempting to find solace in it with a woman in a platonic realm is futile, and only leaves an impression of emptiness more than anything.

However, I understand her position, she is not a woman whom is burdened by homosexuality such as I am. No matter what she does or attempts to do, she can simply not understand my feelings or experience, that is acceptable, I do not fault her on that. She is doing the best that she can from her limited familiarity on the subject, and I appreciate her effort.

Returning to the note on my sexuality, I’m frustrated. I feel deeply disgusted by the affections and desire that I have for other women. I’m sickened by the carnal nature of my lust for women. I feel grossed out when I have the desire to hold hands with another woman, cuddle with another woman, perhaps go on a romantic evening stroll with another woman. I’m angered at the desire to pursue a romantic and deeply intimate and deeply-seated relationship with another woman. Why am I like this? Why.

I feel nothing but guilt and shame upon myself whenever I think of ever experiencing something beyond platonic means with another girl. It is an intangible idea for me to yearn for. Whenever I experience these ideas I feel I have spat in the face of God and my faith. I’m perverse and degenerative for experiencing these feelings for other women. Why can’t I have been born normal, why could I have not been born fancying men instead for women, why am I like this?

I despise myself so heavily for what I feel. I’m so alone and trapped, there is no one I can run to without objection or disassociation. At times I wished that god made me a boy, that I was not born a girl. That is not to say that I desire to transition or anything akin to that. It is simply that I yearn to have been birthed as a biological male, so that I could love women without sin.

I’m so envious of heterosexual women and men in general that it sickens me to my core. Why was I cursed with homosexuality, what did do to deserve such a lonely and miserable state? I pray that men and heterosexual women never take their freedom for granted. They are fortunate people to not be burdened by guilt that people like me have to endure.

I beg that this is a phase, that I will move past this and become heterosexual. I hate my sexuality, I hate my vice, I hate it so much.

Why was a born to only be condemned or casted to be lonely, it is not fair. Why did you curse me with this God, why? I don’t understand, it hurts me so deeply, what did I do?

I just feel alone, hurt, and guilty. I’m mad that I can’t get over this. I think that it is gone, that I have moved beyond that point of grief. Then, it hits me again, and begin having doubts. I feel disgusted with my feelings and myself. I’m angry that no matter how much a pray or suppressed my homosexual urges and desires, they come back. I wish I didn’t feel this way.

I have ADHD and I will sometimes have panic attacks which I find myself stuck in. Why is it that my ADHD gets in my way? How do I stop it?

When I moved in with my dads parents his mom said that I could bring my 2 cats with me and now she made me put their litter box outside because according to her its making her house stink even though its upstairs in the bathoom in a corner and the bathroom is in my bedroom to which I havent smelt it I only smell it when I need to clean it. Shes also been accusing my cats of spraying because she smells cat spray even though my dad and grandpa have both been upstairs with me and havent smelt cat spray (My dad claims he can smell a sneeze on peoples hands so I believe if he cant smell it then they arent spraying). Thinks they will have more joy outside when I keep telling her yes they were inside outside cats at my previous place but she wont listen and she also wants them to hunt rats/mice for her.

i don’t even know where to begin honestly. like i get that siblings are supposed to be annoying sometimes, but my sister? she takes it to a whole other level. every single day it’s like she wakes up with one mission: make my life miserable. she’s two years younger than me, but she acts like she owns the house. always barging into my room, touching my stuff without askin, and then playing the victim when i get mad. like no, Mia, you don’t get to wear my hoodie, spill soda on it, and then cry when i yell about it. she drives me crazy and somehow she’s always the one who gets away with it too. mom and dad are just like “she’s younger, be patient.” bro, i have been patient and i’m done now.

and it’s not just the little stuff either. she has this way of making everything a competition. like if i get a good grade, she suddenly needs to remind everyone that she got an A on her science project. if i make a joke at dinner and people laugh, she has to jump in and make one louder. it’s like she can’t stand me getting even five seconds of attention. nd when we fight (which is every day), she somehow twists it around to make it look like it’s my fault. i’ll be calmly explaining why she needs to stay out of my room and she’ll start yelling or crying and boom—i’m the “bad guy” again. i swear she has a talent for pushing every button i have.

i try to ignore her sometimes, like just put in my headphones and chill in my room. but even then she’ll find a way to be loud, play music from her phone in the hallway, or “accidentally” knock on my door five times for no reason. like girl, what do you even want?? she asks me dumb questions she could’ve just googled, or she’ll randomly start asking me who i’m texting just to annoy me. sometimes she literally sits outside my door and sings horrible on purpose. and then she laughs when i open the door mad. she lives for that reaction. it’s like she feeds off my frustration and it’s driving me up the wall.

but then, and this is the worst part, there are moments where she’s actually nice. like randomly she’ll bring me a snack or say something funny that actually makes me laugh. and for two seconds i’m like “ok maybe she’s not the worst.” but then she goes right back to being a menace. i don’t get how one person can flip personalities that fast. i try to be a good brother (sometimes), like i help her with homework when she asks and i walk her home from school when she misses the bus. but it’s like none of that matters because as soon as she’s bored again, i’m back to being her favorite target.

and you know what makes it even harder? my parents. they always say “you’re the older one, set the example.” like okay but why do i have to be the mature one all the time?? why can’t she be held accountable too? just because she’s younger doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to be annoying 24/7. sometimes i feel like they don’t even listen to my side of the story. they just assume i’m the one overreacting. nd i get it, she’s their baby or whatever, but it’s still not fair. she knows she can get away with anything if she cries or acts innocent, and she uses that. trust me.

i guess at the end of the day, i still care about her. like if someone messed with her at school, i’d probably defend her without even thinking. but when we’re at home? she’s my number one headache. maybe when we’re older we’ll get along better, but right now? she’s annoying, loud, nosy, and always in my business. and if she reads this—Mia, stop taking my hoodies and get out of my room. please. thanks.

I’m young, but not young enough where I’m selfish or make fun of kids. But I’m not grown enough to do things without being told “your way to young to be even thinking about doing something like that”. But I have a massive heart. I really hate it sometimes, for example, this one kid, small about 4’11 maybe shorter, super skinny, red head, loves dinosaurs and kid things, (he’s around 11-13) his heart definitely hasn’t even been scratched. Super sweet kid, mostly quiet, reminds me of my younger siblings. I was volunteering at a school musical and he was there. First couple days he didn’t have a lunch or dinner ( the musical stayed from 3pm-7pm and dinner was at 630pm and we left at 7pm) he always looked so hungry and was always eyeing everyone’s food like he was starving, I felt so bad I started crying and I felt so bad even though I had nothing to do with it. Then his parent didn’t pick him up (I leave at 8pm) and I felt so bad. Like my heart was aching so badly for him. He looked so sad and disappointed that no one picked him up yet. I feel so bad for him and want to help him or eat lunch with him or get him lunch. But I act all tough infront of my friends and I just can’t bring myself to help or do anything. He’s a super sweet kid and I just wanna give him a huge hug.

so one of my friends said my hair looks pretty today :D

the hairdo is fairly simple, just the top half of my hair in a ponytail and the bottom down and long, but when she complimented it it made me so happy

and a little bit earlier, I got triggered by a splatter on the wall at school that looked like blood and she was understanding and gave me a hug

she's just so nice and I think I might like her...

she's like my bestie and has helped me w stuff in the past.

and seeing her gives me a little flip in my stomach

and I cant help smiling when I think of her

but I mean she's already taken and I don't think shed like me anyway

what do I do?

I feel that one of the biggest problems we have today is that we don't understand that going from being accompanied to being alone is a matter of mourning, and that's why solitude is uncomfortable, just as it is uncomfortable for someone who lives alone to go to someone else's company. Solitude has its benefits, if used well, as does socializing, of course, also well used, because otherwise both can lead to disastrous results.

I've often been criticized for being alone, essentially because I don't adapt as quickly as others who like to live their lives in constant company. Indeed, the contrast is more evident, and that's why the fixation is accentuated in my case. However, for this to be truly realized, I believe that people need to begin to experience being alone and be in touch with their processes, that is, with the words they need to produce precisely to feel unburdened and therefore available to move in the circumstances in which they produce words.

Now, dear friends, what good does it do to share this if no one is going to understand it? It seems to be a purely intellectualized terrain, because in an emergency situation or where tensions arise, the tendency, if not the norm, will be to return to past beliefs, given that such knowledge has not been emphasized. Truly, I'm disappointed that I can't express these words to others, at least in my environment and beyond, in a way that I can trust that what I'm saying will be understood and internalized. I understand why when I vent, I have reinforced my attention on the activity itself, because I haven't found a way to achieve a transmission in a way that I can trust that another can sustain it, can give me stability, even with psychotherapists.

Precisely this difficulty in expressing what I feel is what has made me feel or realize that I don't express what I feel and that the good with which I respond only consists of referring to the fact that everything is the same as always, in terms of the execution of actions, and of which everyone knows or has at least an idea, but I never refer to how I feel. Generally speaking, I've felt fine within the scope of what has served me, but the fact is that I can't make it transparent, and that makes me feel suffocated when I socialize. Ultimately, it makes me feel and appear limited. I misinterpret this as a generalization to others, which consists of a lack of socializing tools, when I use them precisely when the routine between people is at risk of being lost. Otherwise, I simply follow the routine, which consists of being in harmony with others, without needing to agree or sacrificing anything important to me. My main goal when socializing is to maintain harmony and preserve it for the future.

For me, solitude is the ideal terrain because it allows me to progress in the development of my ideas from a systematic structuring, alienated from the pace that others may follow and that often results in stagnation and that has repercussions in an experience of situations consisting of an escape to reach a before and not in the awareness of the circumstances that built it, where we are equally immersed, just to evolve from said being before the world, a question that in itself is the resistance that concretizes said attitude of escape and therefore the return to previous circumstances but that unfortunately can fall into situations of great magnitude, absorbing people given the resistance, and blurring such a before to a format where it is perceived as before but that is not really, in itself, leading to a situation where we find ourselves deceived and more absent and vaguely available, which ends in being at the mercy of complex situations in the face of which we cannot and have to visualize that we are giving in, its exit to a pleasant situation being an already rough path. I find it indispensable development of these reflections, at least as a draft, but I know of opinions that show against it because such reflection consists of disastrous consequences consisting of a projected feeling, but that in themselves for me are appropriate precisely because they allow me to perfect the scheme until it becomes one of use in terms of visualization and consequent practice where I observe that it results in usefulness, essentially to empathize with what until now is observed.

"I will love you forever

my love is infinite"

my bf said something in front of some people who did not need to hear it. It was super upsetting. and now he feels bad bc I ignored it when he tried to apologized.

should I apologize?