Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I’m 49 years old, female, and I’m honestly fing tired of feeling like I’m carrying a boulder on my shoulders every fing day; let’s just say it loud and clear — anxiety sucks. every fing breath I take, every decision I make, every conversation I have — it’s like a tiny voice is nagging in the back of my mind telling me I’m screwing everything up. “what if they hate you? what if you say the wrong thing? what if you fail?” it’s exhausting. I’ve read every fing book, listened to every self-help podcast, tried meditation, journaling, therapy, meds — the whole f***ing industry is built on telling people like me to “breathe deeply and let it go,” but tell me, how the hell do you let go of something that’s wired into your goddamn brain? anxiety doesn’t listen to breathing techniques! I mean, ffs, you think I wouldn’t have figured that out by now?

I’ve been trying to build a non-anxious life, whatever the hell that means. moving to a quieter neighborhood, changing jobs to reduce stress — hell, I even got a fing cat to “calm me down” (spoiler alert: she’s a furry little terrorist). but guess what? the anxiety is still there. some mornings, I wake up and feel like I can’t breathe, like my chest is caving in, and no amount of herbal tea or “positive affirmations” makes it stop. it’s easy for people to say, “just stop worrying,” but have you ever tried to just stop worrying? it’s like telling a person with asthma to “just breathe” — yeah, sure, thanks for the tip! it’s frustrating to constantly feel like you’re broken, like you’re the problem; it’s fing unfair. how much of it is even in my control, huh?

the thing is, I’ve been to therapy (multiple times, different therapists), and every time I leave feeling like I’m just a fing project for them to fix. “try this exercise,” they say. “keep a journal,” they suggest. “catch your negative thoughts,” they advise. but what if I don’t want to spend every goddamn day “catching thoughts”? what if I just want to live without constantly analyzing myself to death? it’s not that I’m against therapy — I know it helps, I’m not an idiot — but the whole process sometimes feels like a job I didn’t apply for; a job with no pay and no fing days off. am I just supposed to keep “working on myself” until I die? because that’s how it feels. I’m exhausted from always trying to “manage” something that won’t leave me the hell alone.

and here’s the kicker — people always assume that if you’re anxious, you’re weak. that you can’t handle stress, that you’re not resilient enough, that you’re somehow “less than.” well, f*** that. I’ve raised two kids while dealing with this crap, held down a career, and kept a house running — tell me that’s not resilient! but yeah, I’ll admit it: I’m still struggling. I still cry in the shower sometimes, I still overthink every damn thing, and I still wake up some days feeling like the world is caving in. so what? does that make me a failure? or does it make me human? because, let’s be real here — who the hell isn’t struggling? we just don’t talk about it. we put on our “I’m fine” masks and go through the motions. but sometimes I want to rip that mask off and scream, “I’m not f***ing fine!” do you get it? do you know what that feels like? or is it just me?

I wanna post another of my vents, yet this isn't letting me. Why??

We dated for so long and i loved him so much and he loved me and we were absolutely perfect together he told me he’ll love me forever then decides to break up with me and it hurts so much watching him move on and love someone else and forget about me like what about me what about what we had was i not special to you how could you do this to me i just want you

(T.w.: Mentions of Self Harm)

Alright! I had a history of self harm when I was younger, but stopped after a couple of years, but then a couple of months ago I was feeling upset with myself and insane guilt especially when it came to my studying, so I thought of ways I could " punish" myself when i didnt study so that I relieve myself of the intense guilt, like basically consequences for my actions, and my brain was like why not self harm? So I went back to it. It felt so good?,after I finish and sit with the pain I would be reminded that I paid of my dues and thus there is no reason to feel guilty, then I would go study and the pain would be a very nice reminder.

I was always careful, just cutting enough to bleed but not a huge scar, i didnt want anyone to know and think im asking for attention..

BUT one day, same thing happened, I didn't study so I went to self harm then planned to start studying immediately, but I dont know what I did differently that time? I cut myself and suddenly I'm seeing the pink of the dermis and a pretty long cut with lots of blood.. long story short, I needed stitches, had to tell my parents a very odd story of me somehow falling on glass? and went to the doctor.. I didnt even end up getting stitches, because I waited for 3 days before I fessed up and it was too late, but it was infected and so I was put on antibiotics. Very likely I'll scar for life. It felt like I was being branded for my mistakes and the control was taken away from me. I didn't allow myself to think about it for the next 2 weeks... and I couldnt for the life of me get myself to study eventhough I had a very large exam. I hated how it was gapping, how it opened when I moved, I didn't want to see it or feel it. If I try to get myself to get over it I would get these intrusive thoughts of putting a knife into it till I reached the bone. ( I would never ever do that) I didn't care about the wound itself, infact if I got it by an accident or so I wouldnt have been that bothered by it, but the fact that I caused harm, even to my own body this way was so ? Jarring ?? I know its pretty late in the story to mention this, but I am a medical student. It felt like... I didn't deserve to be a doctor, that I can't possibly be.. Eventhough I put so much effort to get in. Anyway back to the story, even when I procrastinated in the past I never lost control as much as I felt this time, and despite the exam looming close I never could get myself to study properly.. so I sorta didn't. Eventhough I wouldve never studied this way in the past, no matter where I was I would always put in enough effort atleast. The worst exam ive ever given in my life. And I can't even get myself to think about it. I don't know how will I ever forgive myself for all this, it just feels like the self hatred is building and I dont know where I stand. Marks are very important where I am in life right now, imagining that I would ruin my future because of this mistake is like?

Eventhough deep down i dont believe in this, I completely believe everything happens for a reason and for a good one, but I just can't for the life of me stomach the haterd, guilt and blaming I feel for myself.

How do I forgive myself for all this? Can I ever be a good doctor the way i am? How will I ever regain control? I lost it, over my body, over my studying... i have no trust in myself anymore.

I wasn't exactly sure what category to put this story in. I'm not exactly dating these people, and the reasons for that are super complicated.

My ex, Gunner, made me feel horrible. He said he couldn't date me because of my multiple personalities, which I get, I have mood swings, but I'm pretty sure what he was experiencing was just emotions. And also because I was adopted, I was "taken out of my natural habitat and who knows what I'd do." Which was said by Gunner's mother. Me and Gunner had only been dating for a week. I had to watch him date another pretty girl, who he stayed with longer than me. Me and Gunner only lasted a week, but we'd been talking for a month. After they'd broken up, she had a similar experience, saying he was extremely racist to her, and didn't want to be with her because her anxiety was something he couldn't "handle".

I sometimes wonder if maybe it is me who is doing something wrong. I know Gunner and me just weren't meant for each other, and I know something is wrong with him because I talked to Valeria (His ex). Gunner went around saying I was a bad kisser, which I know for a fact isn't true. He just needed something to around talking about, even though he'd broken up with me because of my background...? He's not fooling anyone.

A few months ago, I was talking to this boy named Jeremiah. We were good friends before we started talking, and my sister is the one who decided I should try to get with him. We'd only been talking a week before he ghosted me, and stopped talking to me. I heard from my sister, who promised that Jerry wasn't going to be like my ex, he said he "just wasn't feeling it."

We were talking today in pottery, when he told me that he thought I hated him. The way I heal is: I totally ignore the person while I cry and be sad over them. That's just how I am. Yeah, I see that as a red flag, but I can't help caring for someone I think cares for me too.

He told me today that I wanted to have a friends with benefits situation, and his friend Ethan started yapping about it, and telling Jerry how good of an idea it was. I just sat there. I know he's just going to use me with this whole benefits thing. And the reason I say "use me" is because that's what he's doing.

I had just gotten out of talking to someone, which only lasted a week. Wow, are you guys surprised? What's the pattern here? Hmm...

This guy's name is Tanner. Tanner and I have known each other since the seventh grade. He told me he's liked me since last year, but then just on Saturday, told me he's lost feelings for me. Okay, but how do you lose feelings that fast? It was clearly lust, not love. And he's been waiting to do stuff with me for a year, it's obvious. At first, I was so happy he liked me! Then, I heard the stories of him getting with girls, and as soon as he got what he wanted, ghosting them. Did I listen? No. I gave him what he wanted... I'm sure you can image what I mean. And, he ended up leaving anyways. Then, to make matters worse, I saw him, the next day, with his hand between Cory's thigh. Holding her hand in the halls, looking at her like he looked at me. Like he really likes her. Like he really liked me.

So, when I say that Jerry is using me, it's because of what happened with Tanner. Literally a month ago, this boy whom I really liked, we "did it" but I'd only done it because I really like him, and I thought, if I did it, he would like me too. But, he didn't. It was really sad, because like everyone else, he ended up ghosting me too. Guess how long we'd been talking! A WEEK!!!

So, remember when I said it must be me who's doing something wrong? That's because of things like this! It must be my fault! I was talking to Jerry today, and he said Tanner broke things off because I'm too nice.

Guys, my love language is physical touch, and gifts. Tanner told me he didn't like me anymore, according to Jerry, because I'm too nice. I'm too nice? What? That's ridiculous. I know I can trust this source because him and Tanner are best friends.

Oh, and also, when Jerry was talking about that dumb friends with benefits thing, he said that if it did happen, he couldn't tell anyone, and that it is supposed to be secret. So, wait, he wants to do it with me, but I'm not allowed to talk about it?

It just shows he's literally ashamed to be with me.

All of this has been hurting my mental health. It's coming to a point where I feel kind of insane? And it's not like I'm doing it on purpose, I just really don't know if I can handle my heart being messed around with. It's only been a couple weeks that this has happened to me. I hate going around from guy to guy, but I'm also tired of being played.

That's not even the worst part about this.

I can't even tell anyone about this, which is why I'm glad there are sites like these...

So, we all know - lots of teens have Snap chat. I've been talking to this guy on snap, who actually just recently told me his age today. I guess it's kinda creepy because all along I've thought he was my age. He told me he was going to buy me a bunch of stuff, and that he loved me, and that we were going to get married.

Okay, so what's the problem, just block him! RIght?

Right.

I wish I could say that it was actually that simple. It weird. I know he's mentally ill, because he's 39 and I'm 15. But I just can't ignore him. It's not hurting me to say goodmorning to him, right? And besides, he listens to me. It's not like he's asked for my address, or for me to send to him, so he's not harmful. And although its really weird, and you guys probably think it's gross, its not like he's grooming me, right? And, sadly, I really like the attention. It would never work, because he's like 23 years older than me, but it's kinda nice he's the only person who hasn't made fun of me for being, well, me.

And I know he says I'm his fiance, and he'd do anything for me, and he wants to come see me in June... but I can't let him go. I do that, and I'm just as bad as all the guys at my school who are trying to ghost me. Why can't we just find people who like me for me? Who want to be with me? I want someone who wants to be with me, all the time. Who can't stand to be with out me. Who likes to hang out with me, who will let me braid their hair, laugh with them, has jokes, good style, can help me with my homework. Someone who won't leave just because, I have a good butt (Which was said by my friend Daryl who just wants to do me too) or because they just weren't feeling me, or because I'm adopted or well...

Because I'm too nice.

You see, cuz my parents are getting tired of me. They don't really care what I do anymore. But it's sad, because at these moments all I need is my mama. We found out that she might have cancer. I don't know if I'm glad, or if I'm scared. Why would I be glad? Because I was almost taken from her because of abuse. So why do I want her? Where was my bio mama when I needed her? Lynda was there for me, not Dominique. I've started taking pills again, sleeping more, smoking, eating less. I actually hate sulking around all the time and hating life. But, when you've been spit out and thrown away like a wad of ABC gum, I can't held but feel how other people treat me. And I wonder, does Cory even see how she looks? Getting with someone who does things with girls and then dips?

Or maybe she's blinded by love, like me.

Well, I'm rambling now. But you all get the point.

So what do I mean it's going to be the last?

The last time I ever said I love you ever again.

Because no one ever deserves my love.

And no one ever will.

Growing up, my biological family often left much to be desired, leading my sister and I to form a deep bond with our friend, Hannah, and her welcoming family. Over time, they came to be more like parents to us, offering emotional support and even assisting us through college—something I am eternally grateful for. However, a rift began to form earlier this year following a tragic event.

Hannah's father passed away, a man who was much a father to us as well. His passing brought immense sorrow, intensified by the importance his family placed on funeral attendances. In their eyes, missing the funeral was akin to a profound disrespect to both the deceased and the family. Unfortunately, my sister harbors a deep-seated phobia of death and funerals, leading her to decide against attending. Despite my attempts to persuade her, she remained resolute, and the day came and went without her presence.

This decision did not sit well with Hannah's family, especially her mother, who felt personally betrayed. She accused my sister of ingratitude, saying that by not showing up, she had dishonored a man who had done so much for her. Consequently, the family's warmth towards my sister cooled significantly, culminating in her being ostracized. They have since not invited her to their home, and even removed her when she attempted to visit.

Each July, the family hosts a large reunion, which my sister and I have consistently attended in the past. However, this year, only I received an invite. Upon learning this, my sister implored me to skip the gathering in solidarity with her. I found myself torn but ultimately decided to attend, which led to a heated exchange between us. She accused me of being insensitive, while I argued that it was predictable the family would react negatively to her absence at the funeral.

Adding to this, imagine if our situation were part of a reality TV show. Such formats thrive on conflict and emotional drama, and our story provides plenty of both. The cameras would likely zoom in on the family dynamics, perhaps portraying me in a complex light—supportive yet divided between my sister and my adopted family. Viewers would be invited to analyze and debate my decision to attend the reunion, potentially polarizing opinions and sparking widespread discussion regarding loyalty and familial obligations.

How would viewers react if I attended the family reunion on TV?

The birthday celebration I had planned for my wife Jennifer on Friday was supposed to be a joyous occasion. I always strive for her gifts to be a surprise, which can be a challenge since Jennifer tends to open every Amazon package that arrives, sometimes spoiling the surprise if it's her gift. This year, I thought I'd outsmart the situation.

You see, my sister Laura and Jennifer have always had a rocky relationship, primarily due to differing worldviews and values. Their conflicts mostly stem from Laura's past requests for financial help, which doesn't sit well with Jennifer. Though I manage our finances separately, lending money to Laura occasionally from my personal account — never from the joint one Jennifer and I share — and she has always been diligent about repayment.

To avoid any accidental gift reveal this year, I decided to have Jennifer’s birthday present sent to Laura's place. I planned to pick it up the day before the big celebration. However, things went south quickly when Laura texted to confirm the packages had arrived, and Jennifer saw the notification pop up on my phone.

Immediately, Jennifer assumed that I was financially helping Laura again and voiced her frustration, labeling my sister as someone who relies too much on others and never manages her affairs well. This led to a heated argument between us, during which I blurted out that the packages were actually her birthday gifts, which only served to escalate the conflict. In my frustration, I declared that I would return the gifts and cancel her birthday dinner.

The following argument only grew more intense, and I followed through with calling off the plans and had Laura send back the gifts. Jennifer was livid, calling me a jerk, declaring the whole debacle my fault. This has left me questioning whether I mishandled things or if I was right in standing my ground.

Now, imagine if this whole scenario played out on a reality TV show. The cameras capturing every raw emotion and angry word exchanged could have potentially swayed public opinion - either garnering sympathy for my attempt at a thoughtful surprise or painting me as the villain in the drama of a soured relationship with my sister being dragged into the frame. The very essence of our private conflict morphed into entertainment for others could shift perceptions drastically, based solely on editing and presentation.

Did I act correctly in this scenario???

I am so damn sick of my grandma being a total bitch 24/7 all the time complaining about the things I do when I stay out of her way and just lay low but no matter what its always my fault she can never ever have any blame like tonight I gave the cats a little bit of hot dog so they wouldnt be rushing out the door which also makes her mad and she got mad that I gave them some and my grandpa just sat there even though she buys them for him and I know he doesnt care like she does. Literally can never have a good day in this unwelcoming family like if Im at my parents they also complain about what I do if Im at my grandparents I get complained at here. I remember I had a bad break down ran away from home and that was the first time in like years I heard my grandma say she loved me. Jokes about my depression and says how I will be fine when I was unmedicated last year and had that bad break down. Whatever man shes in her 60s or something so shes probably just feeling old age or whatever. God I just wish my family would communicate properly without sulking/yelling/telling each other they are ungrateful because then I wouldnt feel the need to go online and complain about them and the actions

It's incredible. I don't want to be surrounded by these ineffective people anymore—could it be that my other two posts were published? The notifications aren't showing up. Why are they wasting so much of my time? I'm getting to the point of exposing my privacy in all its splendor. In fact, I'm tired of writing about it, acting in silence. I want to express myself no matter what, say what I feel, without any filter. I now understand how someone I knew, an older woman, felt.

Why can't I be calm? Why is it that everyone interrupts my routine? Why do I have to silently stop them so they'll leave me alone? Why can't I say things upfront? Why the hell do I have to keep everything to myself? Besides, I always have to go around giving hypocritical hugs, lying affection, all to look good and avoid problems. My life can't continue like this. I want everything to change once and for all. I want to throw everything away because I can't stand it.

I can't stand my job. They've only made things worse for me. I can't stand my parents; they've only served to stress me out. I hate my aunt, everything I have to change for her. I want to leave these people, go far away, never to return. The pressure I'm under here is too much. I have to do it.

I have to start surrounding myself with projects that contribute, with people who contribute, with people who aren't just for a short while but who truly want to stay in my life, in a context, to provide support—it doesn't help, they're different things—and we all help each other grow. I no longer want to be surrounded by individuals who are out of place with me, and those who are most in place are abusive. This is over.

After the so-called treatment, all I saw were many disasters with my family. Nothing turned out well because of them. It can't be that they're all so useless! It makes me want to never see them again! I don't understand how a family can achieve that! I want everyone to go away, for all the misfits to go away. I want people who are in tune with me. It can't be that the psychiatrist isn't one of those people. To this day, I can't believe it.

I can't believe she feels that my therapy space is a useless, good-for-nothing place, that contributes nothing, that actually wastes my time. It can't be, although I also recognize that I'm under the fierce influence of my relatives, who didn't even know how to support me. How can an aunt tell me that my mother can't make me react intensely?! Has such a thing ever been heard?! That woman seems like she's never had a mother in her life, for God's sake! No wonder everyone thinks she's so mad!

I hope I don't find a hell like this with the girl I like. I don't have a way to call it, and I don't think I'm being rude. I don't want to find someone who has problems, really, who has difficulties with their family. I want someone who's outgrown that, so we can be together and free from the past. That would be good for me. I want a break from problematic people, for the love of God. I also feel annoyed because a man is going to take a book from a library I always use, and I won't have it available. That bothers me, and he knows it, and I'm uncertain; on top of that, I don't know if the boys will be able to find the copy in that library.

I feel very annoyed. I think the last thing I said between the lines got me all that. I think so, I couldn't stand it anymore. And I think that's good, reaching points where one can't tolerate lower thresholds, that are low thresholds, not excessive, and that allow for contextualized action, which I feel is what this text allows. I needed to say these things.

so i usually leave people sentzoned on insta and dont really reply back, i noticed a really cute guy and thought ok lets text him cuz why not. he was a typical playboy and i wasnt looking for anything serious anyways so we started talking and had a thing going on. the first time we met we kinda made out and the next day he called me home and we had sex, and i usually dont do casual sex but he kind of forced me into it, i was upset the first day and prolly should have stopped talking to him but i didnt, the next day we were all fine. this kept going on for few weeks and look hes 16 and im 17 i know its problematic but what im about to tell really matters on the age. so after few weeks he told me he got into trouble and idk what happened but his phone was taken away. when he did get the time to text me he was all normal and one day he chose to come clean and told me about how he and his friend got drunk and went to a spa and his friend fucked the worker and he got hanjob. i had no words, and he was flexing about how she was doing it for 30mins and more and couldnt finish him, and somehow he thought that i would be okay with this. i obviously called him out and he said idk what to say. dude im ngl this whole thing like getting drunk and going to a spa and fucking and being sexual with the 25-30YEAR OLD WOMEN OVER THERE is just WOW. now i just realised he used me for my body hes 16 and has bodycount of bonnie blue. i regret trusting him. funniest part was he was proud of himself which just made him look really stupid infront of me because of his immaturity but he prolly didnt realise that.

so um... for a while I went through this phase where I would take those mental health quizzes for like hours and like google stuff about it for hours(the reason why is for another rant) but I remember I felt like I wasn't sure if I was exageratting or underexagerating my answers, and then I got to this quiz about BPD (borderline personality disorder) and it all sorta fit? if you don't know what it is you can Google btw I never heard of it before my obsessive researching😭.specifically "silent Bpd". ik online quizzes and stuff like that isn't a good idea and not a good diagnosis, and its also pretty rare so I may be don't but it just fits so perfectly. like I'm gonna copy paste some symptoms from Google just bc why not ig? Key characteristics include emotional suppression, self-harm or suicidal ideation, self-blame, and a sense of emptiness, sabotaging friendships, fear of abandonment, and unstable self image, all of which are hidden from others. I'm not suicidal today, but 11 days ago I was LITTERALLY planning my death... when I was severely depressed(lasted for maybe two years was suicdal that time too only two suffocation attemps) I did like tiny sh?? I don't wanna sound like dramattic or overexageratting because I never made myself bleed, but I would push my nails deep into my skin till it broke a little and I would scratch myself as well, and in like a twisted way I was proud of myself for it bc I am super scared and avoidant of pain with a low pain tolrance. the main cause of my big depressive stage was me repressing my emotions and feelings while I was in a super toxic relationship with my friends(I wrote another vent about that either "Self Sabatoge" or "My friend has the emotional intelligence of a thermostat") and that was rlly bad bc the feelings had to come out one time or another and bc I held them in so long I'm still dealing with leftover emotions from that time which makes it super hard to move on. I constantly feel like my friends are better then me and get scared that they don't like me or think im annoying or dont acc care Abt me which acc makes my relationships worse, because I've gotten super defensive about being too nice to people bc last time I was taken advantage of, so instead of acting insecure around my friends I withdraw myself and say I dont care or stuff doesn't bother me (bc I also got made fun of for being sensitive and it just made me more sensative). I acc wonder if I'm still suppressing feelings, just less of them bc I keep like getting upset at my friends for things that shouldn't rlly make me upset? I acc wonder if its not them being insensitive like I thought in "my friend has social intelligence of thermostat" and I just don't think I deserve them or I should just stop bothering them. I am 100% sure tho that I have self image problems.. I don't think its normal to have how I think I look affect my entire mindset or mood for the day, and have how I think I look vary so much. one day I'm confident with no makeup the next a full face and I still look like a rat trying to catfish. I sometimes tell myself I'm ugly and imagin myself super ugly to keep my hopes down so when I next look in the mirror I'm not as ugly as I thought I was. I wish I could just think I was pretty and stay thinking I was pretty instead of thinking I'm pretty and then seeing how ugly I am. I'm not hiding my emotions as much as I used to bc I got tired of babying everyone and pretending it was ok for them to do whatever they wanted and not think before there spoke, but anyways, do you think I do?? maybe I need an outside eye to say weather or not I do.. I honestly don't even know what I want for this, but if it's good to get each part of what's stuck inside me out, and this is something I have been wondering for a while. anyways, thanks for getting this far! could you maybe tell me what you think Abt this?

My parents spoke to me in English from 0-10, even though we are not western at all. I spoke in English, read in English, and though in English. But they realized their mistake too late, and only started speaking to me in Iranian from 11 untill now, fifteen. I previously understood Iranian perfectly well, but wouldn't talk in it. Thankfully I am now able to hold my own in Iranian with family members, yet that doesn't seem to stop anyone from thinking i'm an airhead. I live in an Arab country. Great for when you're already struggling with two languages, why not throw one more on that pile? I understand Arabic, Iranian and English completely, but can only fluently and easily talk in English. I think in English. Then translate. It is so incredibly tiring, and it's impossible to describe the feeling to my parents who grew up speaking all three. They think in a mix of languages. I think in only English. When I open my mouth, I have to force anything that's not English out, and it's so incredibly frustrating because I have no respect for this language. This disgusting, not pleasing to the ear, language of the colonizers who took everything including my tongue. How dearly I wish to speak Arabic and Iranian. These beautiful, rich languages that have so much to do with me, and nothing to do with the west. I want to read Quran fluently, read poems in Iranian, and finally be able to talk to people who don't know English easily. I'm so sick of making a mistake while trying to speak and then eternally getting labelled as a chicken nugget. I am worth more than the language I speak, and it is so disheartening to be pushed aside before I get the chance to express myself. I'll show a family member my report card, and they'll ignore the 100% in all other subjects except for islamics and Arabic, 90%. And the reason why I can't get the full marks is because I lack participation, because I can't answer a question unless in English or broken Arabic. I feel stupid, even though I know my worth, and I don't know what to do. Because every time I try to push myself to talk in broken Iranian or Arabic, I get laughed at. By the people who speak broken English. Can't they see? That I don't have what they have, and they don't have what I have? I am no less than them, I know it but it stings nevertheless. How on earth do I fix this? I'm open to any suggestions (╥_╥)

[Translated from French. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

HELLO everyone, I came to France with my family it’s been one year and some months, then I started school in seconde (10th grade) in a local high school and I had to repeat the year. In my second year my life became like a nightmare for me. My high school kicked me out because I had asked classmates for bank cards and money. In my second high school I cheated twice, I no longer have the right to go to school while waiting for the school to give me a final decision. My parents say that if I am expelled they will no longer pay for my school and will find me a job, but I want to continue school; I am at my limit, am I the bad seed in my family? The worst is that I live with my stepfather, and my mother asks if I came to France to destroy her household???!!! I am crying 😢 😢 I am sick of everything.

she was more still is everything. we never did date but our friendship so close like we almost should or at least it was I was too scared I didn't tell anyone or her how I felt kept it to myself. My friend respect to go about it but I just told them I didn't. but I was the worst mistake I could have done. that could have been my chance to finally get her. My chance to live a life with her. she was perfect she's she's not like other girls she was different she got me and I got her her beautiful brown eyes, her smile her laugh her humor. everything was perfect about her. a few months passed by and she tells me she has a crush. It was one of my friends. probably one of the closest too. track season comes by I see them cuddling and sitting next to each other on the bus while I think that could have been us. and I had to go through that every single ride to a meet. during this time I just wished that I could go back and let her know how I felt and maybe I would have had a chance. may eventually become boyfriend and girlfriend and that's when I decided to try to get over her it was almost hardest thing the summer had passed by and they were still together. and obviously I was happy for her and him but deep down I wanted it to be me and her. again a few months pass by it was now December they had broken up. she told me the reason was that they would talk about their problems but he wouldn't do anything about it. so she gave up on him and broke up with him. present day ever since she broke up with him we've been talking a lot more often now but that was only because he didn't like when she talk to me. now that feeling I had before I was coming back that spark between us.

It calls my name once again, the sting, the red streaks, the long lines that mark my skin...oh how I miss the pain, the ache, the burn as each cut goes deeper and deeper till I finally start to feel, even if it is only pain... atleast it's something.

The nastalgia floods my mind, reminds me of who I was and how each time I continued to fail.

Failed my friends, failed my family...failed myself.

Each cut a rewarding sting yet a punishment for being so weak...now not as common but still ring in the back of my head.

It calls to me, and I give in, over and over again...although I'm stronger, my heart still aches the same as it did back then, and so, my mind continues to remind me of my cherry red failures as the blade sinks in.

1,2,3...