Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

so I've been friends with her for about 3 years, and I'm not even over exaggerating when I say she has no concept of things beyond what she has experienced. she literally thought sore teeth didn't exist because she never had them. so anyway she judges me for practically everything I do, and I swear its like she struggles being happy for me, when I literally went on call with her to give her advice while she was talking to a guy, listened and hyped her up for three days straight when the guy was all she ever talked about. so recently when we were volunteering these two guys came up to us and one was tall and kinda cute and the other was not ugly but he looked like REALLY young like out little brothers young, and the tall guy asked for my number and the short one asked for hers. I was already looking at her though because she has pulled all the guys in the past so I didn't even expect one to ask for my number. so afterwards we kinda just went on with what we were doing and she kept calling them chopped chuz when mine wasn't acc chopped... so like I kinda just acclimated to what she was saying and agreed but she literally wouldn't stop calling them chopped like literally doing it nonstop so I started getting deffensive bc he acc wasn't and it was annoying me. so she like reluctantly stopped for a bit. so I've been texting him and stuff and he is actually super sweet, but one time I asked her for advice for what to text because he said something I didn't know how to respond to and she just said "idk just stop talking to him" and switched the conversation to her. so I confronted her about it and literally reminded her about how I listened to her talk about her crush for three days straight, and she literally just disregarded it. she literally gets like upset when I talk about him. and on another tangent, I get tired super easily. like, get 12 hours of sleep and still be yawning in class tired. because of it, I don't always want to hang out after school with her, and recently she has started getting petty about it. whenever I say I don't want to hang out she literally says "ohh is baby too tierdd did she not get her Naptime" like what in the highschool musical bullying... like ik I'm making all of this sound like a joke but it's actually so draining. I don't think she realizes how many little comments she makes but they have gone from not thinking before speaking to passive aggressive and targeted. I'm not compleatly innocent either, I 100% have done things passive aggressively, but I make sure never to do them unprovoked, and always try to at least keep it in check. she has not only just started doing this either, she has not thought about what she says for the three years I've known her. it broke me down a bit, and she knows it. she just doesn't seem to care about what I have to say. she forces me to keep conversation going if I try talking or just interrupts me and brings the topic back to her. I somtimes say stuff like I wish I had more friends, but then she says 'your not gonna get any friends if you just sit around and never talk to anyone" and that's true, but then when I try to talk with new people she dominates the conversation, interupts me, and answers for me. she answers for me A LOT and it's actually so annoying. she is so hypocritical and will tell me not to do something, only to do the exact same thing herself. I just dont know what to do about her anymore. I guess I just want to know if I'm overreacting or not. there's a lot more, but that's way to long to write about.

thanks for getting this far

I find it hard to believe how complicated it is to express myself online using abstract language. It's something that fulfills me because it's precisely the language I need to express what I feel. From there, I seek to talk about my life.

Indeed, I feel this is about saying that life holds a complexity beyond what is normally presumed to be a life. It's an act of respect. It's a constant demand to adapt to a language that I find insufficient.

When I vent, I do so in order to talk about my life and be able to visualize it. Being overwhelmed, I can't see what I have to say about my life, which is me and what surrounds me in some way.

Speaking in a format that many seek, considered simple, being reductionist, is precisely preventing the way in which my visualization is necessary. This isn't talking about anxiety or an obsession; it's an effort to understand how I am.

Without a doubt, we can talk about nervousness about everything I have to say. However, I don't experience anxiety because I don't feel an imminent threat; on the contrary, I feel that this is more of a sign that I'm about to get out of something. Nor can I speak of obsession, because we're not even talking about recurring thoughts.

Speaking of venting, I am indeed talking about my life, and it consists of details, which may be various, encapsulated under a single theme. However, the fact that the question relates to a single person, a single situation, doesn't indicate being obsessed with a topic or anxious; at most, it indicates that one goes beyond the ordinary regarding said topics and considers oneself strange.

Today, and with the advances that have occurred in all areas of knowledge, I am surprised, I must say, that the strange is worthy of rejection, especially when it comes to people, a matter that requires precise treatment to be inserted. In short, venting itself, it must be said, makes us strange because it allows us to delve into details that are unknown even to us, even to ourselves.

It is often argued that we should think before speaking, when this issue represents or points to the difficulty of recipients receiving varied information. We can categorically say that no person thinks before speaking; at the same time they speak, they think, and they used to think even when they were silent. And the fact that their thoughts coincided with the words expressed, sonorously, expresses the obstruction they represent for us, simply a compulsion.

In this society, many things are defended with which I do not agree. I believe that we all truly want to face life, but it is at the cost of our constant exercise with it, and in the worst circumstances, which is to be alone. This society supports not doing that; after all, that would imply that this individual can do without them, so in the event of any reprisal from a majority, it will be indispensable. It must be said that many of the things that are pointed out as bad are ways of expressing that one should not be something that could be harmful, being against it. They call it politeness, but it's clearly anxiety. It's clear that those who base their lives on thinking that something isn't right and therefore need to change it, thanks to the obsession that it represents, since these are recurring thoughts that result in displeasure, seek said change as a result of the obsession itself. If we notice, anxiety and obsession are the entities that most often support each other.

Proper relief allows us to escape these situations because it allows us to tune into them and continue with our routine, with those thoughts that lead to its consolidation. However, change is used as an excuse to maintain the routine, invading other spaces, naturally encouraging narcissistic behaviors that weren't present before. We can safely say that anyone who seeks a constant routine and doesn't let off steam, given the changing essence of those elements external to our routine, which also change them, leads us to be potential narcissists. It must be said, these are not the things many therapists talk about.

Many therapists enjoy entering this field without having integrated their knowledge of the subject, which leads them to become simple victims of a system. Through their sessions, they seek to force others to succumb to it through their integration. They become counselors, simply detaching themselves from the discourse, from the particularity of the patient, to provide developmental treatment as an individual in their individuality, to bring them to a collective one, where the notions of anxiety and obsession are supported as accusatory elements, of that which runs beyond conceived limits. Indeed, these are against the idea of ​​letting off steam.

So, with psychotherapists, we can't let off steam. Nor with the environment, because it would be a struggle for a normality, furthermore, by not entering into it, making these individuals incapable of developing themselves and consequently segregating ourselves. Frankly, I don't understand how an individual can develop in this world, particularly. It's being at the mercy of situations that are camouflaged through discourses considered normal, open to everyone, but that prevent us from understanding what my life consists of, starting from the smallest details and which joy leads to a holistic spirit.

It's not fair that people like me, to say it without any fear, are at the mercy of such treatment. I know there are people like me who are also on these paths; it would be somewhat prejudiced for me to say that there is no one else. Of course, those who haven't been in the same terrain as me and only notice me will say that there is no one else like me. Of course, they take what they know as a sample and project it onto the rest of the world when, as can be seen, many are those who don't dare to delve into anything beyond my surroundings. How contradictory, frankly.

I’m so sorry you had to have me. I’m sorry I’m not any better. If I could walk out a door and it would mean that your life would be free of me, I would do it. I’m sorry I’m such a lazy kid. I can’t help it, mommy. Your daughter is so so tired. I’m pretty sure I have depression, but I can never get diagnosed. I’m sorry mommy. I’m such a rebel. I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’m sorry for being a burden. I’m sorry I never follow what you say. Sorry for staring at you in a mean way. Sorry for ever being born and ruining your teenage years. You never deserved that. You deserve your freedom. Now, I’m sorry if one day I ever decide that I want to go and disappear for forever. I don’t see a future for myself, mommy. It’ll just be my siblings with you along the way, and if you ever cry on the day that I die, I’m sorry for breaking your heart.

I’m 14 and I didn’t really have a good past because of my mother, and the past couple months now I have noticed a lot of changes about myself mentally. If I’m out of the house for too long like at stores or restaurants, I’ll just panic and I don’t understand why, It becomes hard to talk and usually I’ll just say “home”. Last year me and my family went to a huge festival, I panicked and we had to sit down for a while, I would stop panicking but it would start up again randomly and I just couldn’t control it. My grandma and grandpa took me to the car and I calmed down while my dad and my sister were still out for about 15 minutes before we left. They kept bringing it up and said it was an “inconvenience”. Often times if I feel a texture I don’t like, it feels weird like I have to shake it off my hands or I just sit there with my hands out and go like “ah” or “eugh”, my grandma as recognized it and will give me a napkin for my hands or just move us away from where the material was. Sometimes I get in this headspace where I feel like mentally around the ages of 6-10. I never really got to have a childhood, my dad said it was good before him and my mom got divorced but I don’t remember it and I only remember the bad stuff. I want to know what’s wrong with me but when I asked my therapist she said it was just a phase but I cried to her about it months ago (she is no longer my therapist for other reasons). I feel like I’m this way because I was forced to grow up too fast, I mean I was taking care of a baby (my little sister) when I was 5. My mom was selling my toys and Christmas presents for drugs.

When I get really interested in something like a video game, I talk very passionately about it and sometimes I get a little loud when I talk but I don’t notice it. My dad always gets mad at me and I try to stay quieter. I almost always tell my grandma about all my interests and crafts because she is the only one who actually listens. Today I went to talk to her about the craft I wanted to do for my Halloween costume this year. I was in debate between doing a barn owl or a deer kinda cosplay. I was in the middle of saying how I thought the deer one would be harder and how I really wanted to do the owl, but she didn’t let me talk and just kept saying “the owl sounds too hard, you should do the deer”. I kept asking her to let me explain and she was like “well the owl just seems too hard for you”. At that point I just went back upstairs to my room and cried. My dad doesn’t let me tell him about my interests because I talk too much and he wants the short story,now he doesn’t want to hear it at all. My little sister is spoiled rotten by my dad and just doesn’t let me talk, then she gets mad at me when I get mad at her because she keeps interrupting me.

I just want to know what’s wrong with me

So.. i have tried to calm down a bit but i still want to kill this childish woman.. my boss who hasnt paid me for my work just posted on instagram all about her new cane corso she recently flew home from ITALY... All while complaining how her company is all fucked and someone has been stealing from her... But all the employed (+me) knows she is a narcissistic crazy person who just "forgot" she cant use her company's money on dogs and cars.. and is now blaming everyone else. SO I have reached out to some people and I hope for everyone's sake that she stays far away from my home town that she invaded with her "oh so perfect summer bar" that turned out to be a shitshow and she couldnt realize that it doesnt help the restaurant one bit to give stuff out for free... This is the rant of the day.. i just dont know what to do at this point avout this evil little fly

Like ok I have really wanted a friend, not just any friend like a close friend essentially a best friend if you would say. I wanted one of those since late 2022. <jst smt random-

In 2022, would I really say I had this person? I think so? She’s kinda the reason I want one of these people, bc yh she really did kinda vibe with me , even when i wasn’t really vibing with her. Like i don’t really remember but she was an AMAZING responder(ATLEAST that what I remember??) I was young then, I would say she’s the reason 2022 (ATLEAST March-June) was so good>

So we stopped talking, I moved and tbh Id say I don’t really have friends here. Like tbh ever since like I stopped being friends with her, I never have that person again since like I think I’ve been trying to find a person the same as her? Yk? Like I’ve tried making a best friend online but they just aren’t really a vibe like I wouldn’t even say theif ever be a best friend to me , and the other way around.

This is gonna be about just like recently, so ‘highschool’ that’s what they call it here. Like ever since the 5th of September ive been sitting alone and I don’t think I have friends or atleast friends that are close, yk u sit with them at lunch, and all that close friend stuff. Like OK BEILVE ME I HAVE TRIED MAKING FRIENDS BUT EVERYONE CLEARLY HAS THEIR OWN FRIENDS. Like yk sciences in movies where a girl comes sit with the girl alone and they become friends and even closer, like seriously where is that person for me?? Where my friend that has ‘been through it all with me’ . Like around February this year I have been trying to manifest a friend but someone in a similar situation with me. Like they also have no friends so we hang out with each other but as uve prob guessed I don’t have them.

No cause I have tried I’ve tried with the new girl at my school (in like September I think?) the conversation was so one sided. Like I see her sometimes and I think shes still alone too, I’ve tried online making a bff I tried with a person , we exchanged flipping PHONES NUMBERS! I thought this will be it , but she really isn’t my kinda person. She says she hangs out with people she dislikes and she hates them, I was like then leave??? And she was like but IDONT wanna be alone. Ok yk I might be being petite but I literally tell her my situation and how I have no friends so why would she even say that??? Like abd overall her response ts are so bland like I think that’s a key thing for me in friends like fym ur a good ‘listener’ but not a good responder at that point let me just go talk to the wall

Well I think that’s all <3

So I don’t know if I want a best friend or someone who kinda relate to me and my situation?

I really hope someone actually gets this and not be like ‘it’s hard having no friends but u will find some!’

My 30th birthday dinner was meant to be a special occasion. Planned as a joyous family gathering at a restaurant, it was essentially the highlight of my birthday celebrations since I hadn’t organized a party. However, events took an unexpected turn earlier today when my brother and his wife called me, bubbling with excitement to share their news of expecting a baby. Naturally, I was overjoyed for them and we went through all the customary celebratory conversations. But then, they dropped a question that caught me off guard. They wanted to know if I would be okay with them announcing their pregnancy to our parents during my birthday dinner, explaining that since his wife had been feeling nauseous and wasn’t drinking, it would make sense to share the news now. They assured me they could wait and announce it at another family-focused event if I preferred.

The mere fact that they asked this of me stung a bit. It’s not been easy celebrating personal milestones recently, with numerous past birthdays ending in disappointment and my university graduation being overshadowed by the pandemic. Turning 30 felt monumental, especially considering I don’t plan on the traditional milestones of marriage or children anytime soon. With these thoughts heavy on my mind, I asked for some time to think and promised to call them back.

Feeling somewhat cornered, I decided it would be best if they didn’t share their news at my birthday dinner. They seemed to understand, but when I expressed how their request had put me in an awkward position, the conversation quickly soured. They became defensive and my sister-in-law even raised her voice. The call ended on a terse note, leaving me more distressed than before.

This upheaval completely soured my mood and the thought of sitting through a dinner pretending to be cheerful was unbearable. I ended up calling my parents to postpone the dinner, unable to provide a full explanation, which led to their obvious frustration and the reservation’s cancellation fee.

In a bid to clear the air, I reached out directly to my brother. I tried to explain the depth of my feelings and questioned whether he would have made such a request if it were another significant celebration, like an engagement dinner. The conversation was a long one, with pauses and equivocations, but it ended with my brother apologizing, though the damage was done.

Our rescheduled dinner now won't happen until far after my actual birthday due to my brother’s job constraints, making the whole event feel somewhat pointless.

On top of it all, the backlash from the family for the dinner being delayed and the resultant unpleasantness has been directed at me, making me question if I am the one at fault here.

Imagine if this scenario had unfolded on a reality TV show. The dramatic phone calls, the tense family dynamics, and the emotions riding high could have made for quite the episode. Viewers likely would have been split—some siding with me over the importance of respecting my birthday wishes, while others might argue that family news could enhance the celebratory atmosphere. The debates would swirl not just within the confines of my family, but across social media platforms, as the public weighed in on the family drama unfolding on screen.

Would you have let your siblings announce their pregnancy at your birthday dinner?

Before my wife, Evelyn, and I tied the knot, we meticulously discussed crucial aspects such as our living arrangements, handling familial issues, and parenting philosophies. We wanted to ensure that our core values aligned, avoiding potential deal breakers down the line.

Notably, we reached a consensus on one key financial aspect: as long as our children were enrolled as full-time students, they wouldn't need to contribute financially to the household. They would still be required to help out with household chores, of course. Conversely, if they chose not to pursue further education, they would be granted a six-month grace period following their academic or professional pursuits. Post this period, they would need to start paying rent which we decided would equate to a quarter of what they'd earn at a full-time minimum wage job.

This agreement was forged back in 1998 and held firm with our children. Our eldest, Michael, after high school, chose to work, save up, and then travel the globe rather than attend college. Upon his return, he embarked on an apprenticeship and is now successfully established as a welder. Our daughter, Lisa, pursued a degree in nursing and secured her position in a reputable hospital. However, our youngest, Tom, dropped out after his first semester in college and displayed no interest in working thereafter.

When the six-month mark post his academic dropout came around, I informed him of his need to start contributing financially. Distraught, Tom sought empathy from Evelyn, and to my surprise, she waived his financial responsibilities without prior discussion with me. It’s important to note that Evelyn manages our finances, including the household bills which I contribute to from my income, and any surplus she earns goes into her personal expenditure or our joint vacation fund.

Feeling undermined, I decided to reduce my monthly financial contribution by the amount equivalent to Tom’s supposed rent and one-third of our food expenses as a form of protest against the unilateral decision made by Evelyn. This sparked significant tension between us. She confronted me about the sudden decrease in funds, to which I explained my stance on being consistent with our original agreement, highlighting her deviation from it without mutual consent.

Consequently, Evelyn had to dip into our vacation savings to cover the shortfall, also curbing her personal spending significantly, which only added to her frustration. Accusations of financial manipulation were thrown my way, and she ventured to gain the support of Michael and Lisa, both of whom sided with me, insisting on the importance of upholding agreed-upon family rules.

Evelyn's decision and my response could be seen as a critical plot twist if this were to unfold in a reality show setting, likely provoking a polarized response from the audience. Viewers might side with her compassionate approach or might applaud the firm stance on agreed-upon family protocols.

Who do you think is right in this family disagreement?

I don’t even know where to begin with this. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years, and lately, I’ve started to question everything. At first, he was so charming—he could make anyone laugh, had this way of making me feel like I was the only person in the world. But over time, things started changing, and now I wonder if he’s actually... well, a narcissist.

It’s like he’s got two sides. One moment he’s telling me how much he loves me, and the next, he’s criticizing everything I do, from the way I cook to the people I hang out with. He never seems to take any responsibility for things that go wrong. If we argue, it’s somehow always my fault, and if I try to stand up for myself, he twists things around until I’m the one apologizing. I used to think it was just his way of dealing with stress, but it’s been years now, and nothing seems to change.

A few months ago, I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling. I told him I felt like he only cared about his own needs and didn’t see me as an equal partner. I thought maybe this would be a wake-up call for him, but he just laughed it off, saying I was overreacting and too “emotional.” Since then, things have only gotten worse. It’s like he’s always testing me, seeing how much he can get away with.

I’ve started to read about narcissism, and the signs are all there—the lack of empathy, the need for control, the manipulations. It hurts to think about him like that, but it also feels like the truth I’ve been avoiding. I’m at a point where I don’t know if he can ever change. I’ve read stories online about narcissists changing, but they all seem too good to be true. Can a narcissist really change? Or am I just hoping for something that will never happen?

Sometimes, I feel like I’m stuck in a never-ending episode of a reality show, where everyone’s watching this trainwreck unfold and wondering why I’m still here. If this was really a reality show, I wonder what people would think of me. Would they understand, or would they just think I’m foolish for hoping he’ll be different?

Recently, I encountered quite the unexpected scenario at my doorstep—a hefty package awkwardly perched right outside our apartment. It must have weighed between 30 and 40 pounds. Given my disability and the fact that my husband is currently recovering from a shoulder operation, maneuvering this parcel was going to be no easy feat. We would need to lug it upstairs, across our complex, and then down another flight of stairs to correct the delivery blunder. And all of this hassle for a mere letter? Definitely.

Upon closer examination, the package bore the logo of a well-known brand. A scan of the exposed barcodes revealed that it contained precisely the item I'd been dreaming of—in my preferred color and style, no less. The thing's worth at least $400.

This package, mistakenly left at my door, was dispatched by a major private shipping company on behalf of a renowned big box retailer.

It's clear that the intended recipient has all the rights to claim this item. My home security camera, which recorded the delivery, showed that a photo was taken upon drop-off, proving conclusively that this package was not delivered to the correct address.

One can't help but wonder what would happen if I choose to keep this delivery. Really, what would the reaction be if all of this were unfolding under the watchful eyes of a reality TV audience? Imagine the live comments and speculation flying all over social media, dissecting every possible ethical consideration and predicting my next move!

Does this make me an unethical person if I decide to claim the item as my own?

I cut myself to release stress and feel better but my mom says its dumb and ridiculous. How do I stop?

I have a daughter named Lucy who was really eager to be a bridesmaid at her sister Alice’s upcoming wedding. Initially, Alice hadn’t planned to include Lucy in the bridal party, but given Lucy's enthusiasm and desire to be a part of it, she relented even though it involved additional expense and planning.

The costs for Lucy’s bridesmaid outfit, inclusive of the gown, shoes, and alterations, summed up to around $1000, which we agreed to cover since Lucy didn't have the means to pay for it herself. However, with the wedding just a month away, Lucy suddenly decided she no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid. She complained that the dress was unattractive and unflattering, criticisms she hadn’t voiced earlier. Moreover, she felt out of place among the other bridesmaids and ultimately chose to withdraw her participation.

Now, we’re left with a pricey dress that’s non-refundable. I reminded Lucy that it was her insistence that swayed our decision to let her join the bridal party. Given this context, I told her she needs to reimburse us for the cost of the dress. I suggested she could either get a part-time job or set up a payment plan from her future gift money. Lucy feels this solution is unfair and views it as a punishment for stepping back from a situation where she felt uncomfortable.

Some of our relatives think I’m being too strict. What’s you're take on this?

Imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show — the drama and the divided opinions among viewers would be intense! Cameras zooming in as Lucy expresses her dissatisfaction with the dress, the tense family discussions about finances, and the heated debates among viewers online and perhaps even a live audience voting on whether my decision was too harsh or justified!

is it healthy. to be,, like. so attached to some..iosjne. that lowk,, you wouldnt care. ho.w. bad they may,, act towardsyou and you would still wait,,for them. to return to uou..,, I feel like. a #bad. partner for it,,

It’s the worst feeling ever, loving someone who will never be yours. I never thought I’d be that girl, y’know? The one who falls for the wrong person, the one she can’t be with. But here I am, waking up every morning with him on my mind, going to bed hoping maybe tomorrow he’ll look at me the way I look at him.

He’s not mine. He never was. And maybe that’s what makes it all worse. There was no breakup, no real moment where things ended, because they never started. So I don’t even get the closure people talk about. All I have is this ache inside me, and the constant “what if” that haunts me like a shadow.

What if I told him? Would anything change? Would he laugh, or would he just smile politely and let me down easy? Or maybe he’d tell me he feels the same, but the timing’s wrong. That would almost be worse—knowing he could’ve loved me if life wasn’t so complicated.

Sometimes I ask myself if I’m just being dramatic. I mean, I’m seventeen. People will say “you’ll love again,” or “this is just your first heartbreak,” like that makes it easier. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like my heart’s been stitched together with weak thread and every thought of him pulls it apart a little more.

Is it wrong to still want to see him even though it hurts? When I know every time I hear his voice or see his name pop up on my phone, it’ll mess me up for the rest of the day? Like I’m setting myself up for pain on purpose. But I can’t help it. I’d rather feel something than feel nothing at all.

He’s so close but so far. In the same school, the same circle, sometimes even the same room. But emotionally? We’re on two different planets. He talks to me, yeah, but it’s casual. Friendly. And I sit there smiling, nodding, pretending like I’m not falling deeper into something that has no bottom.

Does he know? I wonder about that a lot. Is he clueless, or does he just not want to say anything? I try to read between the lines of every text, every look, every awkward silence. But maybe there’s nothing to read. Maybe I’m just making up a whole story in my head because it hurts less than facing the truth.

Am I not enough? That question has been eating me up inside lately. Like, maybe I’m not pretty enough or cool enough or confident enough. Maybe if I was different, he’d see me. Maybe if I wasn’t me, he could love me. And then I hate myself for even thinking that, because I know I’m supposed to love myself first. But how do you love yourself when you feel invisible to the one person who matters most?

I’ve tried to move on. I really have. I’ve talked to other guys, gone out with friends, even deleted our old messages so I wouldn’t re-read them a million times. But nothing works. It’s like he’s burned into my memory, into my chest, into everything.

Will it always feel like this? Will I always look back at this time in my life and remember the ache, the longing, the almost-love that never happened? Or will he just become another blurry face in the crowd one day, and I’ll laugh at how hard I used to cry over someone who didn’t love me back?

Sometimes I feel like I’m being punished for caring too much. Like maybe I gave too much of myself away without realizing it, and now there’s not enough left for me.

I wish I could go back to before I felt this way. When love was just an idea and not a knife in my chest. When I didn’t overanalyze every word, every text delay, every emoji. When I wasn’t stuck in this loop of hope and disappointment.

Loving someone you can’t have is like living with a ghost. You see them, feel them, ache for them—but they’re not really there. And deep down, you know they never will be.

But here’s the thing—I don’t regret loving him. Not even a little. Because even though it hurts, it also taught me so much. About myself. About feelings. About the kind of love I want and deserve. And maybe that’s the first step to letting go.

Maybe one day, I’ll meet someone who looks at me the way I look at him. Someone who doesn’t make me question everything, someone who stays. Until then, I’ll let myself feel this, cry about it, write about it… and eventually, heal from it.

so I've had like problems feeling happy or normal and stuff for like 3 years now, and I think I've finally figured out the root of why I feel like I cant let myself feel happy for too long. I have literally no problems, my parents are the sweetest people in the world, I'm avarge enough looking I shouldn't feel as self conscious as I do, and I have a fair amount of friends and I would definitely have more if I wasnt constantly too tired because just existing without feeling sad is exhausting. I put in probbaly about 80% of my energy just to make myself feel normal daily. my friends ALWAYS feel the need to stop by the bathroom between every clas period so every time i have to see myself compared to them and then hear them say "omg im so ugly" or "my hairs so flat today" and like i know they are allowed to like be self concious too or like just comment stuff about themselves but its so tiering. i cant walk properly in the hallways because i feel too tense and overthink how to walk wayy too much. i like compulsivly run my hands through my hair, espcially when im nervous, and ik it probably looks weird bc i do it so much but it stopped being about fixing my hair and now its like somthing i need to do otherwise i will get too tense or smthn it just feels horribly uncomfertable if i dont do it when i need to. so anyways I've noticed that whenever I wake up I'm in a certain mood and that will be my mood for the day almost no matter what. like it could be a pretty good day but if I wake up in a bad mood it might be ruined. like, its not even what other people do or what happening in my life, I have NO REASON to be sad enough to want to kill myself. now right now I don't want to but what's kinda weird is two days ago I was literally planning it, like my mood changes so fast. I have trouble planning things because I never know what mood I will be in, and so it ruins my productivity and I literally have to like wait for a feel good day because i litterally cannot concentrate on anything. i skip meals alot too, but never because i think im fat i know i dont have like anorexia or somthing like that but even if im like REALLY hungry and i have food that would not be that bad if i have to like get up to get it or ask for somthing, ill just choose to starve. like and other times ill have food and i just wont want to eat it. i feel like if i acc want to eat a decent meal i need to enjoy the food, and if im just eating because im hungry i wont eat. the problem is i just end up fasting till the end of the schoolday after eating nothing at all. like i will acc go an entire day with no food, and just eat dinner when i get home. idk if im just lazy or picky or somthing but my friends kinda commented on it and i was wondering if i should be like, worried about it? because i know running off of no food all day cant be good for you, but i feel like i have to like force myself to eat somtimes. i honestly kinda enjoy the feeling of being hungry at this point? like idk what that means but like i would prefer that to being full. another thing is i feel like even when i eat like a ton of food i never get full? like i feel hungrier after somtimes. i think that might be why i prefer to starve instead of eat and feel hungrier too ig. besides food, i will straight up ignor homeowork i know im gonna get in serious trouble for not doing, and that honestly seems kinda normal but i feel like alot of times i will just choose to suffer even if its a super easy fix to make myself feel better. so ive been wondering if maybe the reason i dont get better is because its not anything around me i need to fix, its because im constantly sabatoging myself. i was curious what you guys would think, becuase i honestly dont know where to go from here. im not like sad right now but my life is very reppetative and i know there are so many things i could do to make it better but i just dont. i really hope im not just lazy but if you think i am please give advice idk whats going on😭. so anyways thanks for reading this huge rant