Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

i don't really know why i’m here, but i guess i needed somewhere to unload this without getting torn apart in real life. i cheated on my girlfriend. yes. it happened. once. i wish i could wrap it up in excuses or pretend it meant nothing but that'd be lying again. and i think i’m already full on that. we’ve been together for almost a year, she’s been nothing but decent to me. i met the other girl during a weekend party, things escalated; it wasn’t premeditated. there’s no passion behind it, not even lust really, just a dumb impulsive choice from someone who clearly doesn’t think ahead. i’ve read enough relationship psychology to know that what i did is textbook self-sabotage, yet here i am, acting shocked at the result. i haven’t told her. i don’t think i will. is that selfish? maybe. probably. but if the guilt eats me alive, isn’t that punishment too? am i supposed to hand her pain just because i created it?

my biggest problem is trying to calculate consequences like i’m doing damage control in a lab experiment. i think in probabilities, scenarios, long-term psychological impact, but none of that helps when you look at her and she’s smiling like the world makes sense. i can’t even enjoy time with her now. everything feels off, fake, like i’m in some kind of simulation running on bad code. maybe that’s dramatic but it's the only comparison that fits. she keeps talking about our summer plans, about little things we’ll do together, and i’m nodding along like an actor trapped in a scene i never auditioned for. some people say if you regret it, you’ve learned something. but does it count if you still hide it? if you still protect yourself first? people talk about closure and confession but what if i’m just scared of watching someone i care about fall apart because of me. maybe i already broke this relationship the second it happened and i’m just delaying the expiration date;

i don’t know what kind of man this makes me. i never saw myself as “that guy.” now i wonder if that’s exactly who i’ve always been and just never had the opportunity to find out. character isn’t tested when everything’s fine — it’s tested when you can get away with something and still choose not to. and i failed that test. miserably. if you’re reading this and you’ve ever thought about doing what i did, ask yourself: what do you think happens after? you think you’ll feel better? stronger? validated? because it’s none of that. it’s quiet. heavy. stupid. and it just sits with you. maybe i’ll come clean. maybe i won’t. either way, i don’t think i deserve her anymore, but i also don’t know if she deserves the truth in this way. how do you weigh truth against peace? and if the truth only serves to fracture someone else's sense of safety, is it even moral to reveal it? i’m not looking for sympathy. just had to let it out somewhere. thanks if you read.

Is there a way to do affiliate marketing without having to deal with taxes??😭 in fact is there ANY type of way to make money online without dealing with taxes?? DONT WORRY IM NOT TRYNA DO ANYTHING SHADY it’s just like I’m a minor so I really don’t know about any tax info and I would put my parents own BUT IMMA TRYNA MAKE MONEY TO GET AWAY FROM THEM YK?? can’t let them know or else they may take it 😿 well affilate marketing does seem pretty good rn BUT IDK WHAT TO PUT FOR TAXES I NEED HELPPPP

Everything for me has been so stressful. My friends at school, they can't stop bothering me every single moment of the day. Sometimes, they can't stop talking about random things that no one asked about, and theres times where they just forget I'm here. I kind of stand around every time they have a conversation, but every time a conversation actually includes me, It gets a bit boring or inappropriate. I recently got myself a boyfriend, but I wanted to keep it private and only share it between them. Of course, some of them can't hold a secret and told people. I got so mad, but I eventually worked it out, although I'm still really mad at her and now I feel like I can't share anything to anyone, which is usually a way that helps me deal with things. My boyfriends friends as well, they get really annoying and make weird comments every single time. I just don't feel like I have proper relationships with anyone.

I also do competitive sports, and I'm moving houses, so I also have to change sport clubs. I did a few trial lessons, and I hate that I can't talk to anyone. Everyone already knows each other, and I'm just.. there. I used to be so excited about all these things and now, I just feel broken. I have to leave all my current friends, who I have known for around 2-4 years, and none of them are coming with me. Every part of my social life is kind of falling apart and I just need help. I don't want to reach out for it because when my friends find out about this and get worried, they get all clingy, which I don't like at all.

It's incredible. I don't want to be surrounded by these ineffective people anymore—could it be that my other two posts were published? The notifications aren't showing up. Why are they wasting so much of my time? I'm getting to the point of exposing my privacy in all its splendor. In fact, I'm tired of writing about it, acting in silence. I want to express myself no matter what, say what I feel, without any filter. I now understand how someone I knew, an older woman, felt.

Why can't I be calm? Why is it that everyone interrupts my routine? Why do I have to silently stop them so they'll leave me alone? Why can't I say things upfront? Why the hell do I have to keep everything to myself? Besides, I always have to go around giving hypocritical hugs, lying affection, all to look good and avoid problems. My life can't continue like this. I want everything to change once and for all. I want to throw everything away because I can't stand it.

I can't stand my job. They've only made things worse for me. I can't stand my parents; they've only served to stress me out. I hate my aunt, everything I have to change for her. I want to leave these people, go far away, never to return. The pressure I'm under here is too much. I have to do it.

I have to start surrounding myself with projects that contribute, with people who contribute, with people who aren't just for a short while but who truly want to stay in my life, in a context, to provide support—it doesn't help, they're different things—and we all help each other grow. I no longer want to be surrounded by individuals who are out of place with me, and those who are most in place are abusive. This is over.

After the so-called treatment, all I saw were many disasters with my family. Nothing turned out well because of them. It can't be that they're all so useless! It makes me want to never see them again! I don't understand how a family can achieve that! I want everyone to go away, for all the misfits to go away. I want people who are in tune with me. It can't be that the psychiatrist isn't one of those people. To this day, I can't believe it.

I can't believe she feels that my therapy space is a useless, good-for-nothing place, that contributes nothing, that actually wastes my time. It can't be, although I also recognize that I'm under the fierce influence of my relatives, who didn't even know how to support me. How can an aunt tell me that my mother can't make me react intensely?! Has such a thing ever been heard?! That woman seems like she's never had a mother in her life, for God's sake! No wonder everyone thinks she's so mad!

I hope I don't find a hell like this with the girl I like. I don't have a way to call it, and I don't think I'm being rude. I don't want to find someone who has problems, really, who has difficulties with their family. I want someone who's outgrown that, so we can be together and free from the past. That would be good for me. I want a break from problematic people, for the love of God. I also feel annoyed because a man is going to take a book from a library I always use, and I won't have it available. That bothers me, and he knows it, and I'm uncertain; on top of that, I don't know if the boys will be able to find the copy in that library.

I feel very annoyed. I think the last thing I said between the lines got me all that. I think so, I couldn't stand it anymore. And I think that's good, reaching points where one can't tolerate lower thresholds, that are low thresholds, not excessive, and that allow for contextualized action, which I feel is what this text allows. I needed to say these things.

Basically the title. I moved out recently and its like my brain stopped lying to itself that my past situation was "okay" and "thats just how family is". Now i am just so angry and sad and cant stop replaying the handful of memories my brain hasnt blocked and wondering how I could have prevented them from happening. Like if i was just better behaved, wasn't so stubborn and just kept my head done the treatment wouldn't have gotten worse. If I brought home the grades she wanted she wouldn't have had to remind me how much i burden her and that the least i could do is be a good kid. If I didn't let her find out I am lesbian she wouldn't have had to say that no daughter of hers is gay and then treat me the worst she ever had till I convinced her I liked men again. If i was just the daughter she wanted she wouldnt have had to hurt me, humiliate me, ignore me for so many years.

I just feel like its all my fault. She wouldn't have had to do that if I was good and I know thats true because she told me. She said she did what she did for my own good, "tough love" or that she was "preparing me for the real world" but to this day no one has made me feel so worthless other than her. But its my mom, so there has to be some truth to it right? she always said no one knew me like she knew me, and its why she had to do what she did. I just feel so broken and dirty, like something is wrong with me.

all ive wanted was for her to love me, for me to finally be perfect enough that she doesnt have to doubt me.

Ive spent almost all my life trying to prove my mom wrong and now im questioning if she had a point.

I love how good I've been feeling recently :)

lately, it’s like i’m walking around in my own body but everything feels off. like im not really here, like someone swapped out the real me and left this weird, tired, distant version behind. i still do all the same things—wake up, go to work, see people, even laugh at jokes—but none of it feels right. there’s this weird fog in my head, and even when im smiling, it doesn’t feel real. i keep thinking back to how i used to be. more energetic, more excited, more… alive, i guess. but now? now i just go through the motions and hope no one notices how weird everything feels inside. it’s like my brain is on autopilot and i’m just watching. and what’s worse is i can’t even explain it properly when someone asks what’s wrong? cuz i don’t know. i don’t know when it started, or why, or what triggered it. all i know is that i don’t feel like myself anymore—and that terrifies me.

some days are worse than others. sometimes i wake up and for a second i feel okay, like maybe today’s the day it breaks and i’ll feel normal again. but then something small happens—like i forget something stupid or someone says something in a tone that hits wrong—and boom, it’s back. the emptiness, the disconnection. i try to force myself to do the things i used to love. music, movies, friends, even food. but they don’t hit the same. i keep waiting to feel something spark again, something that says “yes, this is you,” but it just… doesn’t come. nd the more i try to force it, the more fake i feel. like i’m pretending to be okay because im supposed to be okay. i mean, nothing major is happening, i have a roof, a job, people around me. but still, this weight sits on me like i’m broken in a way no one else can see.

i thought maybe it was stress. maybe burnout or something. or maybe it’s just one of those phases people go through when they’re figuring stuff out. but it’s been weeks now, maybe even months, and i still don’t feel right. i’ve started pulling away from people cuz i don’t know how to be around them when i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i cancel plans or show up and zone out the whole time. nd it’s not that i don’t love my friends, i do. but i feel like im watching myself from the outside, doing and saying what i’m supposed to, while inside i’m just numb. or sad. or tired. or all of it. nd it makes me feel guilty too. like i’m wasting time, ruining things, making people worry when i don’t even have a good reason. so i just say i’m fine, just tired, hoping no one digs deeper, cuz i wouldn’t even know what to tell them if they did.

i just want to feel like me again. i want to wake up and not feel like i’m bracing for something i can’t even name. i want to look in the mirror and recognize what’s behind my eyes, not this dull, distant look that doesn’t match the person i remember being. i miss that version of me—the one who laughed loud without forcing it, who got excited over small things, who didn’t feel so... out of place in her own life. i don’t know how to get back there. or if i even can. but i’m trying. slowly. some days, just getting out of bed feels like progress. and maybe that’s all i can do right now. keep trying, keep showing up, even if i feel like a ghost of myself. cuz somewhere deep down, i know i’m still here. i have to believe that. even if i don’t feel like myself right now... maybe, someday, i will again.

I'm a young teen and the 3rd/youngest child in my family.

My mom has schizophrenia(she hears things rather than hallucinates) and terrible paranoia, and all my life I had to live with this ALONE. My father works abroad though he regularly calls to check up on us, and my older brothers moved to live with my grandma when I was younger. I'm guessing it's to run away from my mom, but I was left with her. Maybe because I was too young to understand things, and they needed to have someone to live with her so she won't be lonely... But because of this, I've been isolated, lonely, drained, and sometimes depressed.

I had to deal with my mom staying at my school and wait until I got dismissed every single day for 4 fucking years. I was a child back then so I didn't understand anything and thought it was normal. I'd have my friends and classmates ask me why she stays at school and I would never know what to say so I'd repeat the same answer, "Because she cares about me." Well, I wasn't exactly wrong because she does care about me but she worries WAY TOO MUCH. I thought it was okay at first until I couldn't even go anywhere in school campus without her following me. I couldn't eat with any of my friends at the cafeteria because I was eating with her. Hell, I couldn't even have fun with the cool kids for the first time because she was there following me. I would tell her, "I wanna be independent and go to school alone!" but she'd never listen. EVEN TILL THIS DAY, I'm currently in high school and will soon go to Senior high, and though she doesn't stay at my school anymore, she still won't listen to me and continues to treat me like I can't take care of myself, like I don't know how to get home, like I'm still 6 years old. I hate it. My father tries to help, especially when he's home over the holidays. He'd argue with my mom to let me be a teenager. But she won't listen and make up excuses.

A year ago, I was at a very depressed point in my life and started self-harming. It got to a point where I wanted to see a guidance counselor because I couldn't take it anymore. She was honestly the only adult I felt comfortable being honest with. After opening up to her, she recommended I go see a psychiatrist and give her the results so she knows what she's dealing with and will know how to help me. She had to call a parent about this but because my father is working abroad, she had to call my mom. But it wasn't a good idea to tell my mom because when she did, my mom thought it was POINTLESS. So my guidance counselor had to call my guardian, my oldest brother. Thankfully, he listened and took me to see a psychiatrist(it took him a few weeks though for him to finally take me to one.) Because I'm young, I needed to have a guardian with me when I go to see my psychiatrist, so I had both of my older brothers. I don't know if the psychiatrist even helped, I mean, she did help a bit with dealing with my mom but I already knew how. I've gotten used to it. I think it was better if I saw a therapist. I haven't been able to give my guidance counselor the results back because I thought I could handle things on my own, which obviously I'm not doing good at if I'm typing my life in an anonymous venting site😭🙏

Since then, I don't know why but I've felt drained from my own family. I looked up to my brothers but they barely talk to me. They barely helped me at all when I lived alone with my mom. I thought they would because they went through similar things as me when they were younger, but they never really did much. My oldest brother would pick me up and drive me to see a date or go to a sleepover so my mom won't follow and my other brother would help me with assignments I have struggles with but honestly that's it. I don't want to sound ungrateful and expect more from my brothers, I know how much they went through but I just wish they treated me like their little sister, someone who's struggling the same way they were.

I'm only ever in contact with them when it comes to something I need, whether it be picking me up or asking them to be my guardian for a school event. Hell, even when we go out for family dinners, with my dad or not, they still barely talk to me. A month ago, me, my mom, and my brothers went out to celebrate my reward for being an outstanding student but even then, they barely talked to me. WE NEVER EVEN WENT ANYWHERE BUT JUST ATE DINNER AT SOME YOGURT PLACE AT THE MALL AND SIT AT SOME MUSICAL SHOW WHILE MY MOM WENT TO DO GROCERIES??? It was supposed to be a dinner celebrating MY achievement yet they barely even acknowledged my existence. I had to cry in the public bathroom and go out there pretending like everything was fine. I don't even know if my brothers even care about me, I know they do but sometimes it feels like they don't.

I don't think they even care to notice I'm barely taking care of myself. Hell, my mom literally called my brother telling him that I haven't been eating anything for the past few days and he didn't think to even message me.

Honestly, the only person in my family who genuinely cares about me and my well-being is my father. Though not here a lot, he calls me asking if I'm okay. When he's home, he makes sure I eat properly and sleep properly. He supports me and wishes the best for me and for my brothers. He's the only person in my family who I can be myself to and feel comfortable with. He's the main reason why I haven't kicked the bucket during covid. It would kill me even more to know how painful it would be for my father if I killed myself.

Other than my father, I don't know how to feel about my family anymore. I told myself that they do care, but I'm finding it hard to believe that anymore.

My partner (let's call her "B") and I share an apartment with one of our friends (let's call her "C"). We all pitch in equally for our mutual kitchen staple foods — these are groceries intended for shared use. However, we've also got separate provisions that are off-limits without prior consent to avoid any misunderstandings.

Recently, I whipped up a batch of spaghetti using these communal ingredients. It was just a simple dish with noodles and a basic, store-brand tomato sauce because I didn't feel like making an elaborate meal. C was still at the office and wouldn’t return until late, so B and I ended up eating all the pasta. When C got back, she mentioned, somewhat disappointed, that it's a pity none was left for her. I offered to save her some next time but didn’t get a definitive response, though I sensed she hoped I would remember.

A few days after the spaghetti incident, I cooked some pork chops – again, nothing extravagant. B wasn't hungry and didn't eat hers, so I offered it to C when she got home. She seemed a bit offput by their aroma upon reheating, which was somewhat visible despite her attempt to hide it. She then took her plate to her room — a usual practice for her — and I’m not sure whether she even finished her meal.

Since then, whenever I'm cooking and C is around, she's practically looking over my shoulder, offering "tips" on how to better season the food. I generally don’t mind advice since I see cooking as a learning curve, but C sometimes acts annoyed if I don’t use her suggestions. This kind of passive-aggressive behavior escalated until yesterday.

I was preparing spaghetti again, keeping the sauce separate from the noodles, which is how I’ve always done it. C had seen me cook spaghetti this way before, but this time she commented that I made it "the white people way" — noting that we're both white. She advocated for mixing the sauce beforehand, but I disagreed since I prefer everyone to customize their plate. She pressed how she preferred it mixed, and maybe I responded more sharply than intended. I told her bluntly that I cook according to mine and B’s tastes since we're the ones eating — if she didn't like it, she could cook her own meals.

C left abruptly, clearly miffed. Later, B mentioned that my tone sounded rather harsh. I wasn’t angry, just straightforward, but perhaps there was a softer way to phrase it? Sometimes, I come across stronger than I intend, often appearing stern without realizing it.

How would this situation unfold if it were part of a reality show? Reality shows feed on drama, and mundane conflicts like these can be sensationalized to attract viewers. Potentially, cameras would exacerbate tensions, prompting harsher reactions or even confessionals where C might declare how such conflicts influence her living situation negatively. The producers could highlight these kitchen confrontations to depict a deeper rivalry or discord, pulling the audience into the tension of what should have been a minor disagreement.

How are you today? Did you think about me today or no? 5 days ago I received a reply to the anon post I posted few 2 years back.wtf. what is happening and I just read about it yesterday. What are you doing? Tell me? What do u want? You just keep on replying to my post that I idid years before but you never message me wth

My friend Elena recently invited me to prepare a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at her home in Italy, where we both live. Though originally from China and having spent over two decades in the U.S., Elena wanted to host a Thanksgiving feast for a group of 12, doubling my usual guest count of six.

Crafting an authentic Thanksgiving meal in Italy is tricky; there's no easy access to canned pumpkin or cranberry sauce, so everything must be made from scratch. Thankfully, over the years, I've managed to gather the necessary dishes, tools, and spices, and have aligned with suppliers for harder-to-find ingredients. Cooking is a significant part of my life here.

Elena lives in a lavish home with her British husband, and their financial situation is more affluent than ours. Despite some initial hesitation due to the stark contrast in our lifestyles, the thought of cooking in a beautiful kitchen and the joy of sharing this festive tradition with new friends persuaded me to accept her invitation.

However, soon after agreeing, complications emerged. Elena proposed we hold the dinner on the Sunday before Thanksgiving for convenience, which I agreed to given that we are in Italy and flexibility seemed reasonable. But then, Elena suggested that when shopping for ingredients, I should cover half the cost, and she'd reimburse me for her "half". This unexpected financial imposition took me by surprise, especially with the scope of the tasks I was already committing to—planning, shopping, cooking, and teaching.

When I expressed my inability to meet her funding proposal due to budget constraints, Elena wanted to simplify the menu, reducing it from the full spread of turkey, fixings, candied yams, roasted veggies, an appetizer, and pie. She even made a disparaging remark about her friends not "eating like pigs" and had another guest make the pumpkin pie with my recipe to avoid buying the ingredients herself.

Considering Elena and her husband's wealth—they could easily spend more on a spontaneous lunch than the cost of the entire dinner—the situation felt increasingly unfair. Her actions seemed to reflect taking advantage of my good will. I’m left feeling that stepping back and declining her terms might be necessary, given her attitude appears both manipulative and ungracious.

If this scenario unfolded on a reality show, viewers would likely be divided. Some might sympathize with my position while others could perceive a dramatic confrontation as entertaining, possibly rallying behind me for standing up against what could be seen as exploitative demands. There could certainly be cheers for setting boundaries.

So am I wrong for refusing to financially contribute to this dinner or let myself be pushed around? It seems like protecting my peace of mind from this toxically charged situation is paramount.

I might just bow out and explain to her that I'm uncomfortable with how things are progressing—feeling stressed and manipulated isn't what this holiday should be about.

Six months. That's all it took for me to go from "I can't wait to start my career!" to "I don't want to go to work!!!" How did it come to this, you ask? Let's roll back time. At 23, fresh out of college, I was thrilled to start my first job. An office job, no less. The dream, right? Suited up, coffee in hand, feeling all grown-up. But hey, spoiler alert! Turns out, cubicles and fluorescent lights aren't the vibe I thought they'd be.

Day in, day out, the same routine. Wake up. Hustle to the office. Sit. Type. Sip coffee (repeat). Breathe stale air until I'm out the door again. But doesn't it make you wonder? How does anyone find joy stuck inside four walls, going through the motions like robots? Maybe you're one of those rare ones who absolutely love it. If so, hats off! But for me, it's draining—absolutely draining. I used to think anyone opposing the traditional office environment was just being dramatic. Now, I've joined their ranks. Surprising, huh?

To be clearer, the work itself isn't atrocious. It's the setting! The lack of fresh air, the monotonous view, the awkward water-cooler conversations about yesterday's game that frankly, I couldn't care less about. It's like being in a scene from "The Office" without the fun crew. Do you know that feeling when you're stuck in traffic, bumper to bumper, just wishing to teleport somewhere else? That's how office life feels to me. Every. Single. Day. Surely, there's more to life than this monotonous routine, right?

I'm starting to consider alternatives. Can I pivot my skills to something more dynamic? Perhaps a job that gets me outside, working with my hands or interacting with people in a more lively environment? Maybe I'll try my hand at being my own boss. People keep saying it's the age of the entrepreneur! And while the thought of veering off the beaten path is terrifying, it's also kind of thrilling. After all, didn't someone famous once say, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone"?

I’m trying to stay optimistic, reminding myself that it's all a stepping stone, even the dreaded office stint. It has its perks, sure. And I still hold the hope that soon enough, I'll wake up, excited for the day instead of dragging my feet. So, to anyone who feels the same—I see you, I'm with you, and let's figure this out! Because who said we had to settle for mundane when the world offers a splash of vibrant chaos? Let's trade those office shoes for something more adventurous and make the daily grind a bit less... well, grim.

First, a bit of backstory if it helps with understanding my current emotions and past decisions:

My family is very unstable and rather poor. Father was an alcohol addict who didn't want to get treatment, so my mother kicked him out when I was only 3-4 years old. She found someone new within a year or two who would then act as my new dad. He was a very stubborn but kind person. Although we lacked a real son-father connection he never really did any harm to us other than not giving back some money he lent from my mother. He never cared to teach me anything and fixed everything himself. Both my older siblings left early because they would rather be with my drunkard father than my stepdad. So I grew up as an only child without a father figure pretty much.

When I finished elementary school, my parents sent me to a highschool far away that only had male students. There were schools much closer to our home that didn't need me to commute by bus 3 hours every day. The reason they didn't want me in one of those closer schools is because it wasn't as prestigious. Considering everyone in my new school was so far away from where I lived I never really made friends. There's also the fact that my parents were from a different country and I didn't look similar to the other students, so that didn't really help either. I didn't really care about it until much later.

I didn't have any interest in girls considering I was only surrounded by boys and all we talked about is videogames and similar stuff (it's around the time I became a nerd who got interested in these kind of things.) Never was in any friend groups I just had 1 or 2 friends I would be around during breaks. The first interaction I had with girls my age was when we were about to graduate and our teachers hosted a prom. There was a similar school in the same city that was girls-only. So they invited them over for the prom. When our schools met for the first time I started to realize that girls weren't interested in me due to my height and looks. I looked different and it made me feel inferior to my peers.

Basically nothing went well and after graduating I got into college but I felt overwhelmed and too much pressure so I didn't last long. Everyone around me started dating, getting their drivers licenses and good cars. Meanwhile I was there, a head shorter than most guys, hell even some girls were taller than me. Not a single time in my life has anyone ever complimented me so you can imagine how low my self worth was. It didn't matter that I worked out, took care of myself and acted nice towards everyone when guys who didn't put in any effort were much more attractive than me. At that point I just couldn't do it anymore, I dropped out not only because of my inferiority complex but also due to not having any real goals or future dreams I want to achieve. Up until now I just wanted to fit in and never really worried about what I want to achieve in life.

After going through a ton of job applications, internships and even attempting to go to a different kind of school, all that it made me realize is that the world doesn't want me and everyone would be better off without me. It was in my early 20s that I already gave up with life after trying so many things and everything was just a failure. My siblings only gossiped about me, my stepdad was stuck in his own bubble as usual and the only person that was still on my side was my mother. Up to this day she's really the only person that gives me energy to continue. I was kinda hoping, as cruel as it sounds, that she would die early so I could end it aswell. I had no directions, no motivation, no goals.

So after thinking about how to go on in my life, I decided to start living a simple minimalist life and only focus on myself. Considering my cv was such a mess, most jobs I applied to rejected me (even when it wasn't a mess right after my graduation, every workplace rejected me). I worked in a few jobs that were so miserable and not worth the money that it didn't take long for them to either kick me out due to my inefficiency or too many absences due to my depression. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse but I was born with a visual impairment so I was able to apply for disability benefits which were enough to let me move to my own place and start being more independent. Of course I still have to apply for jobs but considering my messy cv, my looks and my disability no one ever wanted me again.

Fast forward a few years later, now I'm a friendless, disabled loser in his mid 20s. No real work experience, no skills, never talked a girl irl. Just living from day to day and indulging in mostly instant gratification activities like videogames, doomscrolling and whatever else you can think of. I still workout and take care of myself not that it would make a difference but atleast in the end I am able to say "Atleast I tried". Whenever I think of any goals for the future, I just see a blank screen with no text on it. I've gotten used to living in the present so much and enjoying the moment that I let go of any hope of becoming a more successful person in the future. I learned to be grateful for what I have and appreciate the little things in life.

I've gotten so used to this way of living that I started actually enjoying it. I smiled more often, looked forward to doing certain things and socializing with people again (atleast online). That's where I met a girl. At the start I didn't think much of it, believing that all I'm doing is learning how to talk to a girl without being anxious to gain some experience for future encounters. But everything was just right. We got along really well, we had the same hobbies, if you even wanna call them that. We had the same thoughts / beliefs about alot of things and for the the first time in my life I felt like I had a good connection to someone apart from my mother. She didn't mind that I didn't want to do a face reveal (even though we shared some other things to each other). It was just a casual fun thing to me that would pass after a few days/weeks.

But as time moved on, we started getting closer, we voicechatted regurarly, texted for hours every single day and spent alot of time together. That's when things got more serious. Over the past 5+ years I've closed myself in this bubble to forget about my past and problems in life and she came up with questions that tackled these exact topics. I really care about her alot and could even say that I love her considering we've known each other for 6+ months now and we never really argued. But I know that I'm not good enough for her. My life is already over, my mentality is messed up, I have no goals in life. And she's out here expecting me to move to her country and introduce me to her family. There's alot of things she doesn't know about me and yet she's trusting me so much. Why? I consider myself as a subhuman who doesn't have control of his life so how do you expect me to take care of a woman? it's just too much I don't know what to do anymore.

As I started opening up more to her, she accepted me for the way I am. As of now, she still doesn't know about some things but she still treats me the same as the time when we first met. I'm so emotionally tired, I've cried so much these past few days because I can't handle this much affection from someone. I really don't deserve her but I can't accept the fact that I might lose her, she's the only thing that gives me motivation to even just get out of bed in the morning. Everything feels like a mess and I don't know what to do anymore.

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We'll refer to my parents as parent 1 and parent 2

I was raised Half Poor and half upper middle class. My parent divorced before I could remember so that never bothered me.

I was Raised with the first half of my adolescence with parent 1, Parent 1 was poor and had other kids, though I was spoiled and became rotten; often lashing out at people close to me, even traumatizing animals, and using suicide threats to get what I wanted. I got so bad to the point where Parent 1 threw me away at a police station for Parent 2 to take me instead.

Parent 2 was cold, insensitive, and upper middle class.

When I moved in with parent 2 I was filled with dread(maybe foreshadowing i suppose). for awhile things were bad with parent 2 as they where with most visits with parent 2, but then things got a little better, parent 2 started seeing parent 3 and seemed to be a little happier. At some point parent 2 promised they'd be a better parent, those words engrained into my memory. . .

Lies.

From then on things got worse and worse. Parent 2 with parent 3 had new offspring, and with each new offspring I was seen less and less. I became super neglected, with only punishments as reinforcement and the occasional gift, though the gifts for the new offspring where often more extravagant and meaningful, though even they where neglected; so you can probably imagine how little attention I got. At some point I actually became suicidal, often when in company of parent 2. Every time I raised a concern or tried talking to parent 2 I got shut down or yelled at. One time I was punched in the face for teasing. Parent 2 snapped my phone when calling the police. I felt trapped. For awhile I carved cuts into my skin to work up the courage to end it all. it goes on.

But now, I face an issue. I have not love in my heart for the Parents, infact love is alien to me. whether i forgot what it feels like or never felt it, I'm not sure. So how do I tell my parents I don't love them.

Human moment.