Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I had a huge blackout that lasted almost an hour last month, and now I'm in the hospital, rotting on a bed. Professionals found out that I had an untreated anemia that had lasted for way too long and now it's actively ruining my organs because my body can't stock iron, causing me to be really tired all the time, my skin is really pale, I have difficulty to breath, sleep, eat and walk. My legs are shaking a lot when I'm on my feet and I'm always cold. To top it all, my periods are extremely painful and causes me to lose a lot of blood. Unfortunately, my body reacts really negatively to the various treatments, and now the nurses and doctors are stuck. They stay optimistic with me and my parents, but the look on their face each time they make tests with me, I'm starting to feel that my fate is sealed. I try to change my mind by reading and listening to music, even watching Youtube when I can but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I'm actively dying. I'm really scared, because I don't want to die without even reaching adulthood. I have all of my friends here, my dog, and my little brother. Everyone except my parents and my brother are already acting like I'm gone, even my friends, which doesn't help. The doctors try everything, but nothing seems to work out fine, or atleast it's not enough. I'm starting to lose hope. My mom cries a lot, because she thinks it's her fault, and my dad can't look me in the eye. My little brother is the only positive one, and I don't want to fail him by leaving him behind. Sorry, I sound like a whiny loser because anemia is not cancer or something serious like that, but it truly feels like I'm dying on this bed. I just needed to vent, because I don't want to worry my parents even more, and my little brother is too young to understand.

So, what would people have thought if they had seen this on a reality TV show? (I hope I did this right, I never used a site like this one before.)

I have this neighbor, who constantly assumes it's okay to dump her child on me at the most inconvenient times without any prior notice. She appears to struggle with her role as a mother, particularly as she's on the older side and still has a 4-year-old at home that she seems unable to manage. Her son is quite spoiled and doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries.

Every time she spots me outside, she doesn’t even bother to ask; she just sends him over to my place and assumes I’ll take over. It’s reached a point where they both would just walk right into my house if I didn’t respond quickly enough and the door was left unlocked from the inside. I’ve expressed my discomfort with her behavior, but occasionally, she still leaves things on my kitchen counter without permission.

Just last week, she pretended to have a severe migraine which she claimed turned into a concussion. She called an ambulance, but even after the medics assured her she was fine and hospitalization wasn’t necessary, she insisted. Then, she casually informed me that I would need to look after her son for the evening and the following morning, including dropping him off at kindergarten, before leaving her child crying behind her.

Then, just yesterday, merely two days after another draining episode, she had the nerve to ask if I could feed her son dinner because she "couldn’t be bothered" as I was on my way out. I refused, and she responded with a harsh stare before retreating into her house, muttering about how she’s always there for others, yet no one seems willing to reciprocate.

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to cater to her whims concerning her child, or should I be more understanding?

Imagine if this situation were part of a reality show. The cameras rolling as my neighbor blatantly oversteps boundaries could either paint me as a villain for not helping a struggling mother or as a victim of her irresponsible behavior. The audience might be split. Some could sympathize with my desire for personal boundaries, while others might argue that community support is crucial and I should be more accommodating.

However, is there not a limit to how much one should be expected to intervene in someone else’s parental responsibilities, especially when taken for granted so explicitly?

It's outrageous that he's working with my former boss. In my opinion, he holds the title, but I no longer see him as a boss because he's doing his own thing. I don't see it as a position that limits my work at the company, but rather as one that only gives directions and sticks to them as far as they can, which is the very definition of a boss, formally speaking. Unlike other bosses, who go beyond that, they maintain their boundaries, but you can see that desire to push beyond them, like everyone else. However, that's not the case with this crook. I feel that I'm the one who should be dealing with him, in support of everyone, so as not to give him the impression that he's being sidelined, or at least give him some leeway so that the rest of us don't become blinded as a team. I have no other choice. At least what I have to do, which is answering emails, isn't exhaustive, but I'm the one who has to keep the group going right now, and otherwise, we'll fall apart. I'm tired of having to shoulder his responsibility, because it's clear he's not focused on work, but on anything else that isn't. I live under the constant pressure to preserve his image, no matter what, because otherwise he wouldn't know how to defend himself. He always needs to be at the mercy of whatever he can defend, because going further, getting involved, is something he couldn't do; it would show he's involved in something outside himself. In this sense, he's a difficult person to deal with, because he chooses an image that relies on being nowhere, and because of this, he ends up dominating everyone, of course, out of fear of privacy, of course, out of fear that it will lead to conflict.

This kind of person isn't someone I like, and I feel like he takes away time from doing my own things, from seeing everything from a more holistic point of view. I feel like it makes it hard to write, that he annoys me in general. In fact, I'm writing right now and I don't feel like it precisely because I feel like this guy is a burden, and I wish it weren't so. I even feel like I'm running out of words and I'm searching everywhere for the strength to keep writing the way I like. With him there, it feels more complicated; I have to think more. I don't feel capable of expressing myself freely, or practicing that freedom, because it drains my energy. I miss my freedom, but despite that, I feel that he's not the obstacle right now; rather, he wasn't the obstacle in the first place.

I've been noticing that as I write, I'm opening doors to a world, one I didn't know before, where danger doesn't reign in any way. I feel like things are going better for me with the girl I'm currently in a group with because I feel like I can go out into the world with complete confidence. I feel like I can say I have a group to start out with, unlike the one at home, which is more of an exclusionary act than anything else—a constant test of whether or not anyone is being abandoned. This makes us very observant of our surroundings and eager to escape them at all costs, because we don't like being constantly tested. We're always prejudiced against falling into the wrong hands or something like that, precisely because our own families shaped us and made us face off against other family members, forming factions. In fact, their way of living with us is based on these tests, which always seem insufficient. I feel that deep down, both this girl and I hate our families because of the deep-seated distrust that's masked by those who do favors and, in my case, abandon me completely. For my part, I had to hold everyone accountable, making them directly responsible, by providing evidence of their wrongdoing towards me, so that I could be free and at peace. At least now I have a relationship with my father where we both feel like equals, as it should always have been, by God, a relationship where each of us has our own life, can excuse the other's mistakes, but without compromising the other's quality of life, thus creating a middle ground.

I've always said, and I was reflecting on this a little while ago, that being with my father somehow made me accept all my other relationships. Before, it was about each of us having the space we wanted from the other; now it's about negotiating space, and that's what I'm discussing with my girlfriend. It's about each of us having our own life, but also being able to coexist with the other because there's something that connects us, whether we like it or not. I could apply these same words to my father, but they make me want other experiences just to achieve absolute solitude, where I wouldn't have to be part of any group.

Despite everything, going it alone seems counterproductive, given that I operate on principles that challenge the culture, confront it head-on, and prevent me from offering clear defenses. Instead, I have to maneuver until I manage to escape, meaning waiting for things to happen, not knowing when to step in, until they do, to prevent my silence from being used against me. This was something this boss abused a lot in the beginning, until I managed to get him to leave. It's striking to see how, the last time I went to the office—it was a meeting, a party—he ended up completely broken, totally detached from the office group, out of place, focused on his own needs and seeking satisfaction through others. That extreme work ethic and his lack of presence, his mind elsewhere, clearly showing that he wasn't there; he was completely shattered.

I'm fed up with writing down everything I think. I don't like it because I'm always thinking, and it makes me afraid of thinking. I feel like I'm not writing in my usual concise way, and I'm relying on digital media to stay in tune with what's happening to me, to at least feel like I'm doing something meaningful with my thoughts, instead of just getting stuck there. This could also be used to be rebellious, which I don't want. For some time now, I've noticed I'm trying to understand my life more deeply. Currently, in my office group, I'm with a group of women who were against my boss. He took me in, even though he'd been trying to get me close for a while. I saw them as a way, I think, to make the group stand out socially, which isn't exactly easy to get in the office for fear of being targeted. With me, tricks are met with reprisals in that environment, given that I'm prone to them if you consider the possible connection between their public image and their own. That's why I represent security to them, and for me, the possibility of giving them affection. Of course, everything had to originate with my friend, who was the most withdrawn of all there, for that to happen. She wanted to show that her group was different, different from her, who was reserved, but that doesn't mean she should be abandoned. It doesn't imply possessiveness; quite the opposite. She fosters empathy so that I don't stray from her own image because she knows what it's like to be in that situation of expressing feelings and stepping outside of who she is. Initially, it's something difficult to maintain because people even resort to lies to survive. She needs it, and I'm not justifying her actions, but I must explain the mechanism because, whether we like it or not, we succumb to the effects of prejudice.

Everyone in that office has a tremendous fear of prejudice. I'm so tired of writing so much; it almost makes me want to stop moving around and just close my eyes forever—not in the sense of committing suicide. I write down everything I experience, and it's getting to me because there will always be things to write about. I feel chained down, I admit it.

Sabotage eh? Was planned all along? Don't complain if my work is wrong what I was taught wrong all along?

My husband, Alex, and I, both in our early 30s, have been navigating marital waters for several years now, holding hands for over a decade. Throughout our relationship, we've encountered rough seas, particularly because of my in-laws' behavior, with my mother-in-law (MIL) at the helm of our troubles. She has exhibited a pattern of control and intrusion, not only towards Alex but towards me as well, often manipulating him to try and bend me to her will in matters that frankly don’t involve her. She's been overbearing, outright disrespectful, and quite invasive. Fortunately, outright insults directly to my face are the only trespasses she hasn't committed.

I've repeatedly expressed my frustration to Alex, pleading with him to address the situation more firmly. However, his efforts have been tepid, leaving her behavior unchecked.

For years, I plastered on a smile and kept silent to avoid drama, but the grievances have stacked up so high that I'm constantly on the brink of eruption whenever we visit. I’ve even suggested to Alex that we should minimize our interactions with them for a while, but he insists on maintaining our visits. He's not blind to the toll it takes on me.

On a recent visit, the familiar pattern unfolded. MIL began her usual antics, and I reached my limit. This time, I voiced my objections, challenging every inappropriate and invasive remark she made. Taken aback, she questioned my sudden outspokenness. In a measured but clear tone, fueled by years of pent-up frustration, I confronted her about her continual disrespect. I told her plainly that she was reaping the consequences of her actions, of beds made and now to be lain in.

The atmosphere turned icy, and we soon left. Though I felt a surge of liberation from standing up for myself, the fallout was palpable. Alex seemed torn, MIL incensed. He later admitted he understood my feelings but wished to keep the peace, suggesting I apologize.

I stood my ground, stating that any future reconciliation would require visible change and respectful behavior from her end—that I wouldn't apologize for my outburst as it was neither disrespectful nor unwarranted. I reminded him of the numerous opportunities he had to intervene and that I had warned him no one would like it if I had to take a stand. I had never yelled or insulted her, so the idea of apologizing for my reactions felt absurd.

Imagine if this confrontation had unfolded on a reality TV show. Cameras rolling, capturing every charged word and sharp glance—a spectacle indeed! The drama would undoubtedly be heightened, with viewers on the edge of their seats, perhaps even siding with me or criticizing my outspoken moment. Reality TV thrives on these raw, emotional exchanges, turning personal battles into entertainment. Would the public see me as a villain or a heroine standing her ground?

I hate it soo much!! I hate it here, I hate existing so badly because I'm anxious every single second, I feel as though everyone's eyes are on me, and every time I move, it feels like I'm a robot because I'm conscious of my every movement. I move and talk how people want me to, and it's so hard to be myself because I fear that I will be judged. My anxiety is so bad I can't even show my true colors to my friends. I know they're good people, but I'm just scared. So scared, you know? I know they won't judge for every little thing but even so, I'm terrified. My traumas won't let me be the person I wish to be; I'm always holding myself back because I'm just so anxious. I hate feeling like this because I'm wasting my whole life acting like someone I'm not.

I live in a broken family

My family was not like this, even if we weren’t perfect we all still loved each other and was somewhat okay. A few months ago my father had an issue with his job and left it, thus financial problems started. My sibling who is abroad does their best to support us. Our relatives from both paternal and maternal side cut contact with us and started talking behind our backs because we do not have the financial stability anymore, not even our grandparents talk to us or ask about us, even though we have never asked for money from them and never would have asked for it. But nobody even calls or texts us, instead they sometimes come over to spite us and leave us out of important familial information. This obviously broke my siblings and my heart but my parents are devastated because of this.

Gradually my parents started fighting more too, always creating this gloomy atmosphere at my house. My parents started blaming themselves at first for not being able to do the same for me as they did for my elder sibling then they started to blame me for not being a good enough student even though I’m working 24/7 to maintain a scholarship and earn money. Then my dad had to cheat. Well some might say it was not direct cheating but we caught him on a video call with another lady and saw their texts. My younger sibling hates his gut now, we had to adjust, cause what can we do, what else can be done. My parents aren’t in love anymore, not like before, I’m pretty sure if we did not exist they would divorce, at least that is what they tell me all the time.

90% of the time I feel dissociated, I don’t know if I’m supposed to thank “god” for keeping me alive or hate god for making us go through this. I hate living here now, everyone is always fighting, everyone is always depressed, it feels like even staying at my stupid university will be better than staying here.

I just want everything to end.

so i got this thing, right? emotional feelings for someone, like super strong emotions, you know? but then... crickets. just no desire whatsoever to get physical. not even a little bit. and it makes me wonder: what the hell is romantic attraction anyway? how could it be that i feel this way? what's wrong with me? 🤔 puzzled beyond belief over here!!! sometimes it's like there's this invisible barrier between me and actually feeling anything physically... is that normal?!?! am i missing something obvious or is it just some freaky glitch in my feelings??? maybe i'm defective LOL.

ok, so i'm stuck thinking if there's some secret formula everyone else gets but i missed out on.. do people even really know what attracts them romantically?? does anybody have this figured out because i'm dying to understand.. honestly feels like everyone is out there vibing perfectly while i'm over here trying figure which way's up 😑🤷‍♀️ just wild!!! what's the point if there's nothing inside that pulls you closer??? starting to think we just slap labels on our half-baked emotions, calling them something deep! are relationships anything other than emotional connections plus faking attraction???? nah, that's probably way cynical but can't help feeling it AAAHHHH!!!

I love this guy so much. I love him so much that I wish he would understand that it's torture to be left in the dark about how he feels. We got into a situation where I was honestly being very emotional and hysterical for no good reason. I asked him if he would ever tell me if he had an issue with me or anything that he ever wanted to talk about so that I wouldn't spiral so badly again and he told me that he would never. I was shocked to say the least. It's important for me that there is communication in a relationship and I feel like we have awesome conversations when we are just talking, but we can never sit down and have a conversation about anything important. He internalizes a lot of things and I feel very cautious of what I say around him because he remembers very little comments and brings them up when we fight about anything. I match his energy and I keep things to myself and when I eventually explode and have horrible reactions he either just brushes off my emotions with "ugh men" or he talks about how he could've never known I felt that way and that I should talk instead of keep things to myself, when he is the worst at doing that. He makes me feel like I'm insane or dramatic and he often calls me dramatic, but I don't know if I really am or if I'm normal? We have both had bad experiences with dating in the past, so of course we're gonna have our baggage, but I really want this to work. He recently has talked about moving back to his home state with his mom and how he wants to get a one bedroom apartment and I was afraid that he meant alone and my emotions are clear on my face usually so he saw and he told me that of course he meant with me, but I really feel like I can't trust anything he tells me. He is very good at putting up a facade, it's kind of chilling how he can do that honestly because one day he was talking to an old friend and being very chill and laughing with them and immediately after that he just straight up cut them off entirely. He had reasons why he did that and I understood that he felt uncomfortable with that friend for a long time, but it put a big fear in my heart that I would wake up and he would just be gone one day. How would I even explain that to people? I have been through something similar with an ex that I had in high school where we stopped talking and he broke up with me and blocked me. I feel like this is worse though because I am not even sure if he would TELL me before just straight up blocking me.

My best friend Leia, has a boyfriend in France, in other words we're in England and therefore they're online dating. I don't have a problem with online dating because I've done it before, but I don't like him. Not because he is French and in another country but because of him in general.

We were all friends, obviously they were dating and therefore it's different but me and him would play Minecraft. It was meant to be all 3 of us, but Leia was never in the mood simply because she was not in the phase.

Time skip, Valentine's day. They spend practically every day on call, calling till they sleep. Sleeping on call. Valentines was going to be the same. I wake up and find a message that it was Leia finally being on Minecraft! I have always wanted her to join ever since the world was made. I asked to join but I joined the world anyway, because I have technically been on the world longer than she has as a whole. I was told I was being "extremely rude" by her bf for simply joining.

Now thats a bit odd, yes its valentines day... But am I rude for simply being excited over my best friend that I know much longer than he does, bare in mind by 2 extra years of a sort simply from her being on a game that I wanted her to play all together for weeks? After simply 20 minutes. they left, he left minecraft on for me to carry on building, but thats it.

I did open up to this, with my other best friend, Sophia on call because... It wasn't personally that fair? just because its valentines I have been pushed away. Sophia asked her friends to see if it's okay also, one of them has a boyfriend themselves and they all said it's not okay. Therefore I message them both.

The hilarious bit. I was practically in the wrong from their point of view.

I brought it up, long argument short, I apologised for 'intruding' and just played with Sophia.

Another situation with them!

So, it was a random day, he asked me if I wanted to play minecraft at all that day, HE asked so I thought why not? it was 10am, I was busy, I told Sophia I couldn't call her today cause I had plans to call him. Now, throughout the day, I called with Sophia anyway but told her I had to leave at 4. Throughout the time, he has not left minecraft since 10. That was 6-7 (I'm not brain rotted, and it depends if you count 10am also) he has played practically none stop. On the dot, 4pm we planed to call. "Sorry im not in the mood anymore, maybe another day." Sorry? You're not in the mood because you played none stop, if you wanted to avoid that, log off especially if you know the time and what youre doing. I didn't hang up on Sophia thankfully. But what if I cancelled other plans just for this? not 10 minutes notice. Bang on the time of 4pm.

I texted Leia the problem, we went back and forth, she simply told me "talk to him on the group, I'm not involved" thanks.

On discord, on the group chat, I was texting him, back and forth, I now have another friend Ellie because I needed help knowing what to say and also to put in text (I tend to forget important information to involve so they help, + it was to help me know if im in the fault or not).

During this argument, he was not apologising for cancelling the game. He believed he was not in the wrong, He was also a year older than me and like I said before, immature. Therefore he was brainrotted. I despise him to this day for all of that. a year older than me and his girlfriend and he acts like this?

Anyway, it lasted long, to the point Leia steps in simply saying "this has gone on for too long, therefore I am going to point out the problems."

He gets 2 sentences of pointing out what I have said, he shouldn't have cancelled the idea last millisecond. She calls him "baby" I get thats his nickname, but you're babying him... No? And I get 2 paragraphs for 'dragging it on' and what I had done wrong.

Now I'm practically pissed, shes not on my side because I'm dragging the situation on valentines day in this predicament and now this? and she babied him cause thats a nickname. Thanks.

Moving on, it went back and forth. I told her I am not mad at her, she was panicking I was mad and furious at her, I pointed out numerous times I am not. I am mad at her boyfriend. Yet she has a panic attack and he begs me to be his friend still numerous times.

Did I know about the panic attack at the time? No. she never told me till a week later. So I thought he was being a creep, I still wouldn't of accepted his 'deal' to be friends (exactly how he worded it) because im not dealing with an immature boy who cannot say sorry when even his girlfriend knows he was in a wrong, 2 sentences or not.

I ended it by unfriending him and leaving the group. That is practically how it all went down.

I hate how she picked his side, couple or not, I know her more by an extra 2 years. and im not online. So if it all went downhill, I am closest and also her parents dont know him and also against online friends. Make it make sense...!

I've just been promoted to a managerial role, and it's becoming crystal clear that I have serious control freak tendencies. I used to be in a more technical position where I could handle tasks myself without much interference. Now, as a manager, I've got a whole team to oversee, and it's driving me insane not being able to do everything on my own terms. It's like I'm constantly looking over their shoulders, second-guessing every move they make. Why do I feel the need to micromanage every single aspect? 😡

It's embarrassing how much this is affecting me. My team's productivity is actually pretty good when I step back (which isn't often), but it's like giving up control makes me anxious beyond belief. I've tried delegating small tasks, and sure, they manage it fine... but still! I find myself correcting things that don't even need correcting half of the time.

Honestly, how do people handle this? What magic trick am I missing here? Do I really have to go through some kind of attitude adjustment therapy to learn how to stop being such a control freak? Or maybe there's just something wrong with my wiring altogether. In the end, all this controlling behavior might backfire on me and alienate the very people I'm supposed to lead.

I've been having an honestly bad track record with friends. They've either been "nice people" who turned out to take advantage of my old anger and I hurt a boy because of it. Or I tried to be nice and have fun with them, but turns out they're not super interested, and I'm a fool for trying. I just suck.

I have new friends now, but I have a holiday along with them. It's a school holiday. They say they've been to different countries or they're busy. I know those are real causes during the holidays as to why they don't talk as much, but I have a what-if. What if...they don't like being around me? What if when they message "I don't feel like messaging", they actually mean they're tired of me and not their trip or work? I've had some people say they're "Fine with me" but then they hang out with others and act like I don't exist.

I have this lack of trust because when they message and speak, they're so kind and say they're not bothered with me, and I ask them if they're comfortable or I apologize. I end up apologizing more while they tell me I shouldn't feel that way and "it's okay". I have just talked about my interests to you and you understand and you seem like you get it, but what if it's not true? What if you really hate me for being too much and too little? Too much of a freakish weirdo and too little of a normal kid? I suck at this because I've had such less friends over several years.

I feel like backstabbing them, making them know I hate them because they probably lied to me about enjoying me, because if you hate me so much, why am I with you? Why aren't you kicking me away? Why aren't you telling me straight to my face "Go die you hag"? I'd rather you do that than live with the fact I don't know if you hate me or not. I've had a bad depression phase for a while, I don't wanna go there again. I don't wanna rationalize an undeserved pain onto me, try to say "This is what I was supposed to suffer" when I don't. I don't wanna go back to "I'm a god who sees truth and everybody is pigs for looking on the bright side of things".

I've been trying to be more optimistic, but it's hard. It feels like a big risk, not right after you feel like everything could go wrong because you're undeserving of outside friendships. I wanna be more open with others but with the holidays, it feels as if I'm not doing enough for the friendship or doing too less. I've considered nuking all contacts and telling them hateful stuff because I think they could hate me. I didn't because I felt bad about it, I felt like I would do big damage.

I know they could be busy and that's why they don't respond, but maybe they're busy also thinking why I'm so horrible. They're extra quiet online cus it's the holidays now, mom says they're probably busy, but I get so nervous. Like I said, I feel like backstabbing, but when they see me and be so kind, I feel bad for even holding that knife. They are so sweet. They treat me with respect and they don't find my disgusting personality weird. I find my personality disgusting sometimes. I sometimes feel as if I don't deserve love outside of my family. Like my mom, brother and dad would be my only connection to humans and nobody else. Nothing lasts anyways except family. Dad tells me to always remember "Family First". Is this what it's like to have friends? Do they hate me? Is this why they're not responding online?

Hi, so, I have a friend who's the favorite in the group, and I consider her my "best" and only true friend, even though we never see each other at school. Recently, she told me about some problems she's having, like loneliness and that she cant talk about it to no one.

And I can't help but wonder how she can feel like this when she's not rejected or ignored while she still the favorite and the one with a lot of friends (not like lol).

It makes me angry and sad at the same time because I feel like I'm not a good friend of not trully believe her and constently compare to her.

Im not looking for a lecture

and moral because I know everyone can feel this way, etc. I'm looking for advice on how to help her because like i have the same problems but i really dont have friends to talk to while shes the favorite and... Idk.

Give me your pov and what should i/she do

Hey girls & boys!

I am 19 and I am a woman. I have been with my boyfriend for six months. He is also 19. We are young and we try to be kind. Recently we had sex for the first time. It was my first time ever. I did not like it. I hated it. I tried again after. I still hated it. Every time after that I felt the same. It feels like work to me. I feel tired before and after. I feel pressure even when he is sweet. I like him a lot. I like his laugh. I like walking with him. I like texting dumb things at night. Sex is not that for me. I feel broken for saying that. A friend once said, “your body knows before your head.” I think about that a lot. I am polite about it with him. I smile. I try. I do not cry in front of him. I am hopeful because I am young 🙂 I also read posts online and people say it gets better. Maybe. But right now I dread it. I keep asking myself if this is normal. I keep asking if I am doing something wrong.

I remember the first time clearly. It was planned. Music was on. He was nervous. I was more nervous. I told myself to be brave. I told myself this is what couples do. It hurt a bit. It felt strange. Not romantic like movies. Not magical like people say. After, I felt empty. I did not feel closer. I felt further. I felt like I was pretending. The other times were similar. Sometimes worse. Sometimes I counted seconds. I feel bad saying this. He asks if I am okay. I say yes. I hate lying but I hate hurting him more. Someone online wrote, “sex is communication.” I do not feel heard there. I feel small. I feel like I owe something. I wonder if that is love. I wonder if love can be without sex. I am not angry. I am just confused. I am polite to myself too, I try. I keep a small notebook. I write things like, maybe later, maybe different, maybe not.

I ask myself the question in the title a lot. Is sex important in a relationship. People say yes. People say no. People say it depends. I think it depends on the people. I want to talk to him. I want to be honest soon. I am scared but hopeful. I believe relationships can grow. I believe consent is daily. I believe comfort matters. A quote I like says, “love is patience.” I hope that is true for us. I am not broken. I am learning. I am allowed to dislike things. I am allowed to ask for time; Do you think a relationship can be strong without sex for a while. Do you think love should wait. I want answers but I also want peace. I hope we find a way that feels good for both of us.

I have had this weird feeling for a few years now, but I kinda disregarded it bc idk it doesn't feel like much, but its honestly kinda unbearable. Its like I feel like sad and depressed inside but I cant like feel it besides this pit in my stomach and tightness in my throat. Its like the emotions are stuck and I cant just feel them and get them over with like I do with other ones. idk if its leftover from a few years ago, but I hate it so much because its not enough of a bad feeling that I give myself grace, but I deffinetly don't feel happy or calm or even nutural. I just want to feel sad or happy not this weird in between where I cant feel anything.