Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I've always been somewhat of a recluse, deliberately steering clear of social media and generally shying away from the spotlight. My wife knows this well, yet she refrains from uploading my photos online, though I’ve never explicitly forbidden her from doing so. I’ve always preferred simple, quiet celebrations for events like Father’s Day or my own birthday, keeping any unnecessary attention at bay.

Recently, I was diagnosed with a very treatable form of skin cancer. Detected early, the prognosis was excellent, with a negligible risk of serious consequences. As an engineer, I approached the situation with a level of detachment, comforted by the statistics and my doctor’s positive outlook. Naturally, I confided in my wife, who became overwhelmingly concerned despite my reassurances. We decided that it would be best to keep our children in the dark about my condition, sparing them any worry over something I believed to be a minor issue. My wife reluctantly agreed.

However, just days later my father contacted me, alarmingly inquired about my “battle with cancer.” It appeared that my wife had disclosed my diagnosis on Facebook that morning. When confronted, she defended her actions by claiming I hadn’t specifically asked her not to share it online, only to avoid telling our children. Frustrated but resolute, I convinced her to remove the post.

My treatment progressed smoothly, and soon, I was officially in remission. My doctor cheerfully informed me that while they avoid saying "cured," effectively, I was. Overjoyed, my wife and I hoped to move past this chapter. Or so I thought.

This past weekend, I arrived home to find a street bustling with cars and many more parked in my driveway. Confused, since no significant dates had come to mind, I entered the house only to be greeted by a surprise party celebrating my remission. I was completely taken aback – my wife knew my stance on surprise gatherings and yet had organized one for something I considered deeply personal. Claiming a sudden need to return to the office, I quickly excused myself, grabbed a few inconsequential files from my study, thanked the guests, and left. Later, my wife confronted me, leading to an argument where I expressed my disapproval of her turning a personal milestone into a public celebration.

Following the incident, there's been a noticeable tension between us. My brother even called me out, labeling me an 'asshole' for my reaction, suggesting I was too harsh.

Imagine if all this drama unfolded on a reality show. Viewers would probably be divided, some sympathizing with my need for privacy, while others might argue that my wife’s actions, though misguided, were rooted in love and deserved a more gracious response from me. It could have become a classic episode filled with conflict, emotional interviews, and maybe even a reconciliation scene, grabbing the audience’s attention with genuine, raw human experience.

Am I wrong for feeling upset about my wife's public celebration of my private health matter?

I'm typing this while at work. Over the last 2-3 weeks, I have started to despise my job. I've always wanted to work in Marketing, but I'm actually miserable. The boss I once liked is getting more and more overbearing, and she is such a stickler for the rules that it's actually affecting my creativity and how I function at work. (EX: Can't use lowercase letters for a graphic because she doesn't like it OR have to clock in and can't be salaried like everyone else in the building and makes a big deal about making up hours in accordance with "policy" that NONE of the other departments follow). I work in a giant communal office that is dim and only has three small windows. In my last job at the same company, I was allowed to take my laptop and sit outside and work. As long as I got my work done, it didn't matter where I did it from. My current boss won't let me leave the office. Lunch breaks have to be an hour on the dot, and she even gets annoyed if you're in the bathroom too long.

I feel stifled in my creativity, I always feel connected to my job, I hate coming to work to sit in this dim office, I hate that my boss won't give me any kind of freedom when she knows I can do my job and I do it well. To top it all off, my eyes are tired every day from staring at the computer my entire shift. I feel like I don't have any personal time for my husband, I don't have time to work on my hobbies because I'm so annoyed and tired after work, and I'm overall just miserable.

Just quit, then, you may say. Well, I can't. My husband and I were just given the opportunity to rent one of the houses my company owns. It's four bed, two bath, and it includes wifi and rent is only $550 a month. That's amazing. We were paying upwards of $1600 per month including utilities for a one bed, one bath crappy house for the past year, and payments were getting hard. But I have to work at the company in order to rent the new house. So, even though I'm miserable and feel like I'm wasting my life (I'm 24, I shouldn't be feeling this way), I can't leave. We're saving too much money for me to leave. Plus, my husband has to wait a year before we could move anywhere because he has to see if he gets into the grad program he's applying for.

I don't know what to do. I made an appointment to see a counselor, something I never thought I'd do, and I have that this weekend. How am I supposed to do this job for a whole year when I feel like crying every day when I leave? It's affecting my whole life. I am grumpy at everyone, even people I love dearly like my husband and parents. The only time I feel somewhat like myself is the weekend, and even then, I'm so busy doing side jobs to make money, I barely have time to breath. Life is supposed to be about working to live, not living to work. I see marketing girlies sitting by the beach with their laptops, drinking coffee, and making a ton of money, and I know that's extreme, but I want to at least be able to open a freaking window or be able to work from home some days and not feel guilty if I ever have to take a sick day. I feel hopeless at the moment. What can I do?

In Malaysia, I got too excited at a mall and wandered away from my mom, causing concern. My dad, fearing dangers like kidnapping, got angry, yelled, hit me, and said hurtful things, like blaming my love for art and claiming he only cares because I’m his child, not out of love. His words made me feel selfish and unempathetic, even though I regret what happened and love your family. Since then, I’ve been anxious, cautious, and focused on helping my mom, wondering if it's just teenage emotions or if there's truth to his criticism.

Every Halloween, my spouse and I offer bags of chips to trick-or-treaters instead of the usual sweets. We think it adds a fun variety to the children's haul for the evening. We usually stock up from Costco, ensuring we have ample supplies. Anything leftover is used for events like barbecues throughout the year, so nothing goes to waste.

However, my neighbor, Jane, isn’t too happy with our choice of treats due to her child's dietary restrictions linked with a disability. She believes we should provide alternative options tailored to her child's needs. I personally find this a bit unreasonable. It strikes me as impolite to demand specific treats from someone giving away items with no expectation of anything in return, during a festive celebration like Halloween.

When Jane’s child comes trick-or-treating at our door, he is treated just like all other kids. I allow each kid to choose their preferred variety of chips from the assortment I offer. In my opinion, this is already quite accommodating. But Jane insists since other neighbors have adjusted their treats to be inclusive of her child’s needs, I should consider doing the same. I am of the older generation where the belief is children should be thankful for what they receive, especially when it’s given freely on an occasion like Halloween, without expecting customized treats.

Suppose I were involved in a reality TV show, the cameras could possibly paint me as the grumpy next-door neighbor adamant about not changing his ways. Audiences might be divided, with some sympathizing with my stance on traditional values and others criticizing me for not being more inclusive and adaptable to the needs of all children in the community, especially those with disabilities.

How would you react if your neighbor asked you to change your Halloween treats?

As my husband's birthday approaches, I find myself at the 38-week mark of my pregnancy. Last week, somewhat hesitantly, I agreed to let his sister collect our daughter from school for a day with her grandparents. Despite my reservations due to their past overstepping of boundaries, I recognize the importance of family bonds and relented.

During a recent visit to pick up our daughter from his parents' place, my husband's sister inquired about his birthday plans. Although I had repeatedly asked him what he desired to do, and even suggested several family-oriented activities, he remained undecided. When his sister proposed making him dinner at her apartment, he eagerly agreed. The dinner would involve both sets of parents, her partner, and our immediate family, which seemed like an ideal arrangement.

However, later, my husband suggested we drive separately because he intended to stay late, socializing, smoking, and drinking. He requested that I leave early with our daughter to put her to sleep. This struck a nerve, as the partnership in our marriage seemed to wane throughout my pregnancy. He had missed almost all my ultrasounds due to voluntary work commitments over weekends and neglected essential preparations for the nursery. Moreover, he hadn't shown any initiative in preparing for the birth, something that would significantly support me.

The sense of solitary burden compounded by his apparent disregard for my condition makes me feel neglected and sidelined. Our birthdays are close, and my due date looms just two days after mine. This means I'll likely spend my birthday heavily pregnant and largely immobile, longing for shared celebrations that seem to matter little to him.

In a flare of frustration, I declared that I would skip the birthday dinner and keep our daughter with me at home, as attending under these circumstances would only distress me further. It often feels as though, despite his self-professed role as a 'family man,' he does not prioritize spending meaningful time with us.

If our lives were part of a reality show, imagine the dynamics and audience reactions to such instances of apparent marital discord and imbalance in family responsibilities. The viewers might side with one or the other, debating on social media and through polls whether my feelings are justified or if perhaps we are both under pressure in different ways due to the impending arrival of our new baby.

Am I wrong here??? How should we improve our communication before the baby arrival?

So I’ve posted about dropping my ex entirely and now that I’ve actually been trying to detach myself and eventually drop him, I’m still finding it hard. He’s treated me horribly but I’ve felt myself pitying him and I felt bad for him because of the things I’ve learned. The guy he used to date and still has feelings for id bet, doesn’t even like him as a friend anymore. Me and him (we are friends) were talking about our mutual ex and he even told me that he wishes I got out of that situation earlier because he knows what he’s like. But something about him losing everyone he cares about, makes me feel bad bc he’s running to me. But I know that it’s out of loneliness, not because he cares about me. Before anyone says I should ask him and be more understanding and compassionate towards him, he has assaulted me, taken shit out on me for situations that weren’t my fault, talked shit about me and was dumb enough to expose it, and left me during one of the worst times of my life. And yet I’m struggling to take the final step and block him and remove him for good.

hey, i’m not sure where to start this. me and my ex were together for a year and we broke up a year ago because he was really avoidant and manipulative. i got with a new guy pretty quickly after because he treated me so well i felt like he was saving me from the past relationship because it was so terrible. anyways fast forward to now, im still with my current bf and im happy with him but every now and then i do think about my ex but i dont have feelings for him. I just found out he has a new girlfriend and idk how to feel. it’s been a year since we broke up yet i feel a tiny bit jealous. feeling jealous about it makes me feel so guilty since i have a bf. i’m just not sure if it’s normal to be a little jealous even though you’re in a happy relationship. maybe i never got closure in that relationship? i’m not sure. i did end things suddenly and completely stopped talking to him because i was just fed up with the way he treated me. when we broke up i wished him the best and left. an hour later he sent me a long paragraph about how everything was my fault and how he thought i was cheating on him?? i didn’t respond to that because it was just so disrespectful compared to what i said to him. anyways i literally just found out about his new gf and i hope i get over this little jealousy, but if i dont does that mean i still have feelings for him? or need closure? if i needed closure and had to contact him to talk about it i would feel very guilty again bc of my bf. anyways i would appreciate any advice thank u!

I recently went on a trip to Europe with one of my best friends. I think the whole experience confirmed that I am meant to be alone. She was critical of everything. We only had a few weeks to plan the trip, but she did not bother to do any research. She asked me what my budget was and I told her about $2,000- she agreed. I tried booking hotels with that in mind. When we get there she starts complaining. First, she complains that it is cold. We went to UK in the middle of winter- so it was going to be cold. She knew this ahead of time. She also insisted on traveling outside the country. Then she complains about the hotel, I booked and said it was small. Then spends the whole time complaining about the cost of everything from food to public transport to shopping. It is one of the most expensive countries for a reason. When I go on vacation, I try to enjoy myself. This includes eating when I want to and thinking about my comfort. She would get upset about spending money on public transport, when we could walk. She also insisted on only having two meals/day to save money. She then confessed that her plan was only to spend $1000 on the whole trip. This pissed me off because she did not mention this before the trip. Then she goes on explaining how she does not have a lot of money to spend, since she just got married. She doesn't mention in this guilt trip, that this year she got married- had two weddings and has gone on multiple trips. She also then starts complaining that the hotel room is small and we could have gotten a better deal at a Hilton. Yeah- like we could afford a Hilton on her budget.

There were definitely fun moments throughout the trip. Yet often everything became about what she wanted to do. I started to feel guilty about the cost of everything. I also shut down when people get confrontational, thus I never pushed back when she started dictating what we do. For example, she is obsessed with creating perfect Instagram selfies. She isn't as bad as some influencers, but a majority of my time was spent being her personal photographer. She would ask, if I wanted a picture, however they were some of the worse photos I've ever seen. She asks for effort, but never reciprocates. My breaking point came when she made a big deal out of me taking the booth seat at a restaurant. She later stated that I always insist on doing that we should alternate who gets the booth. I only really had the booth once. I only sat there because my back was hurting because we walked to every souvenir shop in the city so she could find a deal on gloves, only to get mad when she was unable to barter down to her ideal price. At this point, I realized that we have maybe grown apart or at the very least have different travel styles.

I truly did not get upset until the final night. I was reading and she was on the phone with her husband. She told him how she wished he could have come with us--like wtf! She was the one who insisted on us going on this trip. She said it was "a girls trip." I even asked her, why she and her husband were not taking a trip together after the second wedding (they went on a honeymoon after the first wedding). He was busy with work and could not come. But apparently, she asked him to come with both of us on the UK trip. It just made me feel like a third wheel. This made me realize that friend has no respect for me or my time. I understand, her husband is her choice of travel partner; but in that moment I felt like I'm just the toss in character to her story. The worst part--I started believing it as well. That hurts!

Through this experience, I realized I needed to stand up for myself. I don't have many friends. I was scared of losing- what I thought to be-my only true friendship. I am shy and introverted and have no self-esteem. I also can be detached fueled by fear of rejection. I know these are all reasons it is hard for me to build relationships. I am also scared of being lonely. But, I deserve better than to be a side character in my own life.

i dont even kno why i keep tryin. like, at this point, i should just accept it—im a failure. 27 years old, nothin to show for it. no degree, no career, no apartment, no gf, not even a decent group of friends. i look around and see people my age getting married, buying houses, moving forward. and me? im back in my childhood bedroom, surrounded by old posters and dust, feelin like im 15 again, except now theres no excuses. back then, people said "you have time, you'll figure it out" but now, now they just avoid the subject. my parents don’t even ask about my future anymore, they just look at me like i’m a lost cause. and honestly? maybe they’re right.

i tried, man. i really tried. i went to college, failed out. switched majors, failed again. tried a trade school, couldn’t keep up. then i thought maybe i could do somthin with my hands, construction, mechanics, whatever, but i sucked at that too. everyone always says "just find your passion" but what if i dont have one?? what if im just bad at everything? no matter what i start, it falls apart. and it’s not just school, it’s life in general. i never had a real girlfriend, never had that "group of bros" everyone talks about. people just drift away, like im forgettable, like im not worth stayin friends with. nd after a while, i stopped tryin to make new ones bc whats the point?? every time i meet people, they’re just temporary. no one stays.

and now im stuck here, in this house, in this town, with nothin to my name. i cant afford my own place, cant even hold a job for long before messin it up. i see my parents whisperin sometimes, like they don’t wanna say it out loud but i kno theyre thinking it—what the hell happened to our son? nd i dont even have an answer for them. im just stuck. trapped in my own uselessness. nd the worst part? i want to do better. i wanna be the guy who moves out, gets a job, gets a life. but every time i try, i fail. and at some point, it just breaks you, u kno? like, how many times can someone start over before they realize theres nothin left to start??

i wake up every day feeling like whats the point. not in a dramatic way, not like im gonna do somthin crazy, but just in a numb way. like, im just existin. breathing, eating, sleeping, repeat. no goals, no future, just surviving because my body still works. nd i kno people will say "just keep going" but goin where?? i got nowhere to go. nd every time i try, the universe slaps me back down like nah bro, this ain’t for you.

maybe some people are just not meant to make it. maybe not everyone has some "hidden potential" waiting to be unlocked. maybe some of us are just... failures. bc thats what i am. no dreams, no direction, just some loser takin up space in a house thats not even mine. nd i dont kno if thatll ever change.

I feel like everything's in my hands again. According to studies I've done that explain how a girl and I operate, we've formed a group, thanks to previous groups. We collude based on these. Without going into too much scientific detail, I observe that the therapists or anyone around me has the ability to help me express the issue and thus discern details. I have to do everything on my own and through means that said environment includes us.

They come across as extremely obtuse people, based on prejudices. It's clear that when faced with new topics that also require their development, they don't give them any dedication. I don't want to imagine what that girl's environment must be like, or the things she'll say about us, trying to reconcile with it to avoid problems, surely bordering on the fact that this phenomenon that encompasses us is nonexistent or some kind of madness typical of a psychiatric hospital. At least in this situation, I can count on psychotherapists, many of whom dare to be our guide in relationships and, as a result, make us act on them. They, like my circle of friends, and most likely hers, talk about groups based on stereotypes without falling into the abstract realm, simply to fulfill said stereotypes, or profiles. But the fact is that they tend to assume concepts through scenarios associated with them without revising the definition, which could precisely point to other scenarios in which the same definitions apply. This becomes a headache for me because this issue with the girl is something I would like to talk to someone about, consistently and deeply, dedicating the necessary time to it, precisely to be able to discern what it is about between us and be able to act responsibly.

The attitudes people tend to resort to are that, due to their lack of appreciation for the details of the relationship—something that, in fact, only I can do—they simply, going a bit further than therapists, lead me to adopt evasive behaviors, leading to escalating conflicts with this person, and I'm not as fair to them as I am to them. In this sense, it seems that my environment is causing instability in my relationship, rather than guaranteeing its stability. Of course, I observe that they rely on the relationships I have with them to remain where they are, preventing this particular development that I'm experiencing right now. Keeping quiet will only keep this there, and it manifests itself in other ways, and frankly, they prefer to talk about it. I feel completely abandoned by those around me in the midst of these circumstances; I don't know how the girls will experience it, with their surroundings completely absent from the matter. Perhaps they will resort to avoidance, but the idea is not to fall into that same game.

It's exhausting to be alone and under pressure, because the fact that I have to keep quiet about it in my surroundings makes it a burden, a difficulty for me to interact with them thanks to their reactionary nature. It's a self-centered way of thinking; in other words, they're not considering my particular circumstances. All they say is that they can't handle me, and they want to deny it through my time with them and some communications, as is often the case. All under a sad desire to avoid feeling guilty. Furthermore, I feel invisible. How is it possible that no one has stopped to notice my expressions of feeling suffocated? Of not being able to say anything? People will say that the doors are open, but that only underscores this self-centeredness, an evasive approach consisting of only observing those things that favor their status of being okay with me when that's not the case.

The worst part is that all of this, everything I've written, I express to people who are strangers, because for them, it would be impossible, as it would reveal exactly what they don't want to see. This speaks to the fact that they aren't paying attention to my relationship with me in any way. The details they shed light on are ignored; it's like not being in it. I feel like no one has the capacity to support me in this, that they've left me alone and won't do anything to fix it, all because they want to stay in their own life, which they consider good in and of itself and don't have to change it, in their opinion. In fact, no one is interested in being with me through thick and thin, in this environment I've been thrust into.

I don't know how she's taking it; however, I only see difficulties, not for anything else, but for not knowing what to do in an environment that isn't collaborative, beyond perhaps going with the flow. In the midst of it all, I feel like I'm the only one capable of doing something for this relationship, for it to stay afloat, because, unlike many people, I dedicate myself to this, going against the grain of others. For her part, I'm far from such dedication, at least with specialized knowledge, because in her environment, she doesn't need it; she only knows that this is the case It affects her, and I do things that make things work, purely as a result of that dedication. Furthermore, I highly doubt that her environment would encourage her to support that dedication, given the fact that she's deeply embedded in it. For my part, I've managed to isolate myself as much as possible.

It's unpleasant to know that you're the only one who can do something about it and that nothing, absolutely nothing, is in your favor. The environment I'm in doesn't favor an individual modus operandi, but rather one that's simply standard. In fact, in my lifetime, I don't know of an environment that doesn't do this, and that's the one she's in, and it doesn't favor her. Wishing to count on her would be the same as counting on someone who pushes against me to learn; in other words, it would be an added burden. Being at a distance is how she can truly support me, unlike others who aren't and only feel like they're taking time away from my life, because they don't allow me to express myself as I am. I always have to be very measured so as not to trigger prejudices, and they harm me. I feel that's why I'm very reserved, and at the same time, it makes me understand why I tend to be somewhat popular.

I wish I had some kind of magic wand or magic powder, without referring to drugs or anything like that, that would make this whole journey end. It's like feeling a cross on top of me, and with others under social pressure, always supported by my feelings, and being able to reach points where people can take advantage, given that this occupies a busy part of my life. I wish things were easier, even through stories, poems, or some of those texts. I feel able to express myself to her because of the censorship on social media, which also seems completely excessive and without any consideration, constituting simple flaws of the platform. In part, sometimes I wish none of this was happening, or that I had never met her, however, not because of her, but because of the environment that surrounds me. I insist, she's doing well from a distance, since she doesn't carry weight; those who are part of it are very helpful; they can't do anything and therefore keep their distance. I'm talking about being part of it because there's a group among us, and that doesn't just go away.

I recently joined a playgroup that my sister recommended, where parents and their daughters, aged between six and eight, gather to socialize. Although all of us are in our thirties and forties, our financial situations differ significantly. My husband is typically the higher earner among the group, having a demanding job that compensates well. While none of the families seem outwardly distressed about financial matters, there's an unspoken acknowledgment of our varying budgets. No issues had surfaced over the past two years until an incident involving a seemingly innocent purchase of purses.

During one of these gatherings, I noticed that all the little girls, except for my younger daughter, were flaunting new purses. I was conflicted about purchasing one for her since she's slightly younger than the rest, yet I didn't want her to feel excluded. To resolve this, I decided to buy matching designer crossbody bags for both of us. My daughter was thrilled to have a bag just like mine, something that made her incredibly happy without understanding the brand's value.

However, the reaction I received later was unexpected. Once we returned home, I received a flood of messages on our playgroup chat. Apparently, my choice of expensive bags was perceived as a show of wealth, which upset some parents, particularly After one mum revealed her daughter now wanted a similar expensive purse for her upcoming birthday—a request they couldn't afford. My intention was never to make anyone feel less, but it seems I inadvertently did.

Reflecting on this, I can't help but think about the implications of such actions. What if this scenario played out on a reality TV show? One could imagine the drama and the mixed reactions from an audience watching manipulated narratives and competitive parenting unfold, sparking widespread discussion about socioeconomic issues, parenting styles, and the innocence of children caught in adult conflicts.

So, considering all these viewpoints, am I really the one at fault here?

I used to think my mom was okay—nothing special, but not terrible either. That changed fast when I hit around thirteen. It was like she flipped a switch and suddenly decided that everything I did or said needed to be criticized. She turned into this controlling, bitter, passive-aggressive woman who always needed to be right. I couldn’t even express myself without her jumping down my throat. One time, I came home excited about getting a role in a school play—my first real chance to be noticed—and she straight-up asked, “Do you think anyone even wants to watch you?” Like… what?? That stung. She’d always nitpick my clothes, my friends, even my laugh. She’d make fun of how I talked when I tried using bigger words, and if I ever cried or pushed back, she’d go on and on about how I was “too sensitive” or “just like my father,” like that was the worst insult ever. Her words were weapons. And I didn’t have armor yet.

Teen years were hell. I was grounded constantly, mostly for talking back, which was really just me standing up for myself. She hated that. She didn’t want a daughter; she wanted a doll she could pose and mute. I remember this one time—I was fifteen—she told me I looked like a slut because I wore shorts and a tank top. We were at home. Just us. Who was I dressing for? The furniture?!?? I still think about that. It made me hate my body. Made me scared of showing skin. And don't get me started on the times she’d snoop through my phone or read my journal and then bring up things I’d written like it was casual dinner conversation. “So, you think I’m a narcissist?” she once asked, sipping her coffee. What was I supposed to say to that?!?? I couldn’t breathe around her. I couldn’t exist without judgment. She twisted love into something sharp. Something I didn’t want anymore.

But now I’m 21, and I’ve started seeing her not just as my mom but as a person. Flawed. Maybe broken. Maybe stuck in her own unresolved trauma. Doesn’t mean I forgive everything, but it makes it a little easier to not carry all that hate around. I still don’t trust her—I keep my distance, emotionally at least. But I want to heal. I want to stop being angry all the time. I want to be better than what she gave me. I have friends who’ve become my family. I’ve started therapy. I’m learning how to love myself without her voice in my head. Still… I ask myself: why do I hate my mom? Is it because she failed me, or because I needed her to be someone she couldn’t be? Maybe both; Maybe you’ve felt that too. Maybe you’re reading this wondering if you’re the only one—trust me, you’re not. It sucks. It hurts. But it gets better. It can get better.

who needs a bestie?? I miss someone

It's 6 am now. And can't tell of i can't sleep or Just don't want to. The past two days have been pretty bad. And i messed up. Again. Last two days i managed to get nothing done on my list. I washes my hair after a long time but that's about It. And i feel so stupid and so ashamed. I though i was making progress but i made a step foward and two backwards and wasted all this time and messed up my schedule. School was exhausting, my mom Is obssesed with a diet Plan and trying to drag me along ( i want to be supportive but i honestly can't deal with a diet or her constantly talking about It right now.) I'm behind again. The weather Is shitty. Food doesn't taste right. Clothes feel uncomfortable, and sleep makes me feel more tired and more ashamed.

I used to believe that after my skin were nothing, hollow and I wanted to tear my skin out just to see if there were nothing or not, it wasn't really an utter belief but like 99% of it. I still believe it sometime, this skin doesnt feel human, they're not, too artificial to be one, im not human, but not a robot, im a doll, I act like one, its loose once you observe it. Slack if you notice. My mind is not of my own, it whisper to me with a languange i know and dont know, I have to decode quickly to understand. This body is clay, its not human, this body is a doll, its not a human, everybody feels like a doll but logic says differently but I dont believe what they say until I see the flesh, I NEED to see the crimson to believe it, will i? Or will I think its fake again? My "loved one" faces are different, distant and artificial, theyre not them, theyre not people I know. Observing further for more than 3 seconds break my perception of such experience, something beyond my consciousness is controlling how I see things, they want me to think that its them when its not, you can clearly see it, its so obvious! Yet I pretend to act for them, theres no believer here, only the theatre remained, the voice is like a machine repeating words my loved one said, the movement is too doll like to be an actual human, an animal doesnt move like that, i know that for sure! They move freely but my loved one does not? Its weird. The face, its like the fabric felt, its inhumane, everybody else doesnt have that, just my loved one, theyre not them. Somebody is trying to trick me, somebody not human, is it God? God won't do this right? Of course mercy is not bestowed upon me, but one will not give much more suffering right? I, am a sinner after all, yet I believe him, is that not enough? Is anything I do not enough? Everything i do is nonsense, my belief is just not enough for God to give me such presents. Surely, only the sinner will get such suffering, such immeasurable test are not for the loyal are they or does God think I can withstand such torment? Does he want me to bite my flesh off? See my own blood to see whether im genuinely human or not? Is it that? But the knife are scary, I cant even cut vegetables! Im scared but why such torment are to be upon me? There's no others reason except of insanity. The ringing calls me to do it, this body is not mine to control, i cannot do it, something preventing so, is it want to live? Is it not? You too shall question that should you but you dont, why be silent all of the sudden? You always talk in language I cant comprehend, or rather im not hearing you at all? How do I explain this in text? Another voice but incomprehensible unless I hear it yes! A subtle ringing in my ears, tell me opinion, debate with me, and sometime get loud, its clearly just thoughts, like im debating myself! Im not hearing things! Its only the conciousness beyond me, beyond my understanding of normality that tell me do so! And how coud i say no? Its going internally, its clearly not a hallucination!How long was it again 1 month? 2? 3? I don't remember the feeling of wanting to tore my skin off to prove to myself, an urge thats only controlled by distraction, incredible that I have stayed for that long without a scar is it not? Its coming back to me how strong that belief was, I still am in string with it, its not thoughts of 24/7 no but this skin is not what it is, its not biological, you cannot tell me it is, you think i havent tried grounding before? I have, i have, i have, nothing work and really what's the point? Does it matter really, I'll still be "alive" dont worry! Once I try you'll see there's nothing behind it, it act like plastic, is it supposed to be? I think so, im only using my fingers, theres no harm in doing so is it? There's nothing behind it, no blood so why would it damage such body? It may hurt, of course it would. I just taken my antiphyschotic after writing this.

You know. I have believed my attempt worked before too and this is all just purgatory. But that one was less convincing, the body part was really convincing though. The mirror me is different, im looking at stranger, THATS NOT ME, cant you see that? Look at it! The face is not even mine, that body is not mine, its a complete stranger i dont know. seometime i feel like the ringing might be God telling me to rip my skin off to see how he has made me as a sinner, he has me plastic because of my sins cant you see that? The ringing tell

me to end myself, i have indulged in too much sins they say.

It somehow comforted me, the question has been answered, I can lay in peace but can I?

God hasn't confirmed that ill lay as dirt, I'll do his command once I have confirmation

September 13