Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I’m done with my life. The academic session began in April, and my exams are scheduled for the end of January. Right now, August is already halfway over—it’s the 20th today—and I feel like I’ve fallen far behind. Most of my classmates are ahead of me, while I struggle to understand anything in class. It feels as if I’ve been dropped into a higher grade where I don’t belong. Everything seems beyond my grasp.

It stings to see my peers following along with ease while I just sit there, staring at the blackboard in confusion. I was never like this before. For the first time in my life, I feel lost in class. This is 10th grade, and I feel trapped, unable to move forward, constantly pulled away by distractions.

My laptop, which should be helping me study, has become my biggest enemy. Social media, random motivational YouTube videos, anime content, Instagram scrolling, venting to strangers online for attention, even sleeping after school—these habits are dragging me down. I thought my relationship with a classmate was a distraction too, so I distanced myself from her. But even after cutting off contact, nothing changed. I can’t blame her anymore—this is my own battle.

I barely scraped through the first unit tests with poor grades, cramming the night before exams. If I’m honest, I haven’t properly finished a single chapter to the point where I could confidently answer questions from it. I’m still procrastinating every day. On top of that, I struggle with the habit of watching porn, which only makes me feel weaker and more paralyzed.

I know what’s happening to me, but I don’t act on it. It feels like I’m waiting for some dramatic “rock bottom” moment—like in movies where the main character suddenly rises to the top after hitting their lowest point. But in real life, that moment never comes. Time just keeps slipping away.

Part of me dreams of becoming the top student in class, but right now it feels more like a fantasy than a real possibility. Even if I somehow worked hard, gave my all, and fought through every distraction, I know people wouldn’t see the effort behind it. They’d assume I succeeded easily, because I’ve always been considered a “good student.” That’s why I sometimes feel the need to tell my classmates about my struggles, as if my poor marks in the first unit test are proof of where I really stand.

But the truth is, I’m still waiting for something outside of me to change my situation, even though I know nothing magical is going to happen. My parents keep scolding me and comparing me to others, which only makes me feel worse. I want to rise to the top of the class, but right now, it feels impossible.

I think I got my best Karen in my career... I let you see :)

It was nearing the end of my shift, and I was the sole staff member left, effectively making me the interim supervisor for the evening. Just as we were preparing to close down, a woman burst into the store, visibly livid over our lack of decaffeinated coffee options. Despite explaining that I was the acting manager, and that our coffee machines were already cleaned and shut down for the day as it was only five minutes until closing time, she remained unfazed. I suggested another café just around the corner, but this only fueled her anger further.

She lost her temper, threatening to "find a real manager and have my lazy self fired," before hurling a half-full cup of sloppy cappuccino residue at me. Her rage didn’t stop there as it looked like she was about to vault the counter in a fit of fury. Underneath the counter, my hand gripped a hammer, thinking to myself, "Please don't make me use this."

In a desperate bid to de-escalate the situation, I grabbed the phone, pretending I was about to call the police. This seemed to work as she stormed out. I quickly locked the door behind her for safety. Shockingly, minutes later, she returned, charging towards the door and smacked straight into the glass like a confused bird hitting a window.

If this episode were filmed for a reality show, imagine the dramatic music and slow-motion replay of the customer hitting the door, followed by a confessional scene where I’d express my astonishment and frustration over the night’s chaos. The viewers would probably be split—half sympathizing with me having to deal with such a wild situation alone, and the others howling with laughter at the surreal slapstick of the moment.

This kind of intense personal encounter really makes you reconsider the unpredictable nature of working in customer service. You never expect your night to turn into an impromptu action movie scene!

I remember the day vividly when a memorable bridezilla incident unfolded at our boutique. It was a typical afternoon, and I was assisting a lovely mother-daughter duo who were looking for the perfect wedding dress. Just as we were making some headway, another mother-daughter pair walked into the shop. Naturally, I greeted them warmly and asked how I could help.

The mother confidently stated they were there to pick up her daughter’s dress. I smiled and asked for their details to look it up in our system. As I scanned through the records, I couldn't find any purchase under their name. Frowning slightly, I informed the mother, "Ma'am, it appears you never bought the dress."

Her reaction was immediate and incredulous. "What are you talking about?"

I showed her the notes on my computer screen. "According to our records, you wanted to think about it and asked if we could hold the dress. We held it for two weeks, but when we didn’t hear back, we assumed you didn't want it."

Her response was sharp and demanding, "Well, we want it now."

I had to explain further, "It’s been over eight months. We sold the dress a long time ago. However, I can order you another one and expedite it here within a few weeks."

That's when the situation escalated dramatically. The mother erupted with anger, "This is unacceptable! We have her alterations scheduled in two hours! The wedding is a week away! I can’t believe you sold her dress!" Meanwhile, the bride was slumped against the desk, sobbing uncontrollably.

At this point, I noticed the original mother-daughter duo staring in disbelief. I tried to maintain my composure and handle the situation diplomatically. "Ma'am, we had no way of knowing you wanted the dress. You never called or put down a deposit. The dress isn’t yours until it’s paid for."

Despite my explanations, the mother continued to scream, and the bride continued to wail. Eventually, they stormed out of the shop. Feeling a bit deflated myself, I returned to the customers I had been helping.

Curious, the daughter I was originally assisting asked, "Does that kind of thing happen a lot?"

With a sigh, I admitted, "All the time."

To this day, it baffles me how some people can schedule alterations on a dress they never purchased, wait until the last minute to pick it up, and misunderstand the basic principles of buying and selling.

I think this story would have been hugely successful in a reality TV show! 😂

(Convo I had with my bf this morning, we started off talking about Papa by Rosendale)

me: yeah so I can’t play that song for my dad bc of that one part, he’s gonna be like “oH tHIs Guy Is TRaNS???” nah man he’s just gay

him: heh… your boyfriend is trans!

(there were two kids behind who went to the same middle school as us and had just heard that)

me: (nervous) the fact that you just said that with those two behind us (laughs it off nervously)

him: OH SHI- oh well I don’t care what they think

me: yeah, well I do… (I turned and went down the nearest stairway, usually me and him go down the second stairs instead of the first and hang out under the stairs over there, but I went down the first and then just went to class as fast as possible)

like I know he doesn’t care what people think but I do and he probably knows that

this was actually so upsetting I immediately found my friend/platonic child Allen (not real name) and vented to him about it like-

I won't share my age or anything, I just need to get it off of my chest.

So, I have this friend, we can call her S to make is easier, S does sports, running, she serves at a church and grew up in a home where her dad was a marathon runner and had a spacious home growing up, no siblings.

I'm just here, no sports experience besides a bit of badminton and frisbe, no teams, I barely go out and I have to sleep with my dad to make sure he needs something, sometimes I sleep on my own bed in a room me and my older sister shares, my older sis sleeps in another bed.

I know writing this makes me sound whiny and pathetic, but I genuinely wonder if she knows if what she says about me is just a joke and won't affect me. "Your such a big back!" "Of course you take your anger out" "Imagine tryna insult me" along with being hypocritical, she would say were 'past a song' then proceeds to play it?? "No one cares that you ate 2 popcorn bags" Well I'm sorry, but no one cares that you thought a noise was something else or that you think the teacher did something 'sus' as you call it. It makes me get an overwhelming sense of emotions, anger, sadness or outright tiredness.

I know she means well but I can't seem to be well myself, I'm confused about my emotional state to the point where I rather be alone with a pen and paper than be with my actual friends, but instead, I lash out and do things I regret after calming down.

I hate this, I hate how I'm supposedly the friend she's talk to if she doesn't have anyone else to comfort or to talk to. I'll be talked to if we're either sitting together or she's with others she doesn't like.

But hey, in the end I'm just 'the introverted artist' friend. S, we aren't in some youtube shorts POV, its real life and what you say to me is gonna make me have second thoughts.

... Man, I sound like I'm complaining, sorry.

i don’t even kno how i got like this, but every day i wake up and the first thing i feel is just… hate. like, for myself. i look in the mirror and i can’t stand what i see. i’m not pretty, i’m not smart, i’m not anything. i try so hard at school and still i keep failing or messin up the easiest stuff. it’s embarrasin. teachers look at me like i’m stupid or lazy but i swear i try, like i really do. i study, i stay up late, i skip things i like just to focus but none of it works. and then i come home and it’s not better. my mom’s always mad at me, always yelling, sayin i don’t do enough, that i should be more like my cousin or my sister or whoever. like sorry i’m not good at anything okay?? my dad doesn’t say much but i can tell he’s disappointed too. he used to try to help with homework but now he just shakes his head and leaves the room. sometimes i wish i could just disappear for a while, like vanish and see if anyone even notices. i feel like a ghost in my own house. nobody listens to me. when i try to talk about how i feel it’s always “you’re being dramatic” or “you just want attention”. but i don’t. i just want someone to see me and say “you’re okay” and actually mean it.

i’ve lost friends too. like, i still talk to some ppl at school but i can tell they don’t really care. i get left out of stuff and when i ask to hang they got excuses. nd maybe it’s cuz i’m so negative or boring or whatever. maybe i talk too much about sad things. i try not to, but it leaks out, like i can’t help it. i laugh less than i used to. i cry more, mostly in my room, sometimes at night under the covers so no one hears. i write in my notes app stuff i could never say out loud. and yeah sometimes i think stuff i shouldn’t. like what if i just wasn’t here? would it be easier for everyone? i kno that’s a scary thought but it’s real. i don’t want to die, i just don’t wanna feel like this anymore. like i’m broken or wrong all the time. i see girls my age who are confident and smiley and got everything going and i feel like i’m just stuck. like i missed some class where everyone learned how to be normal and i wasn’t invited. nd yeah, ppl say “love urself” but how do you love someone who keeps messing up everything? who makes ppl angry just by being there? i hate myself so much and the worst part is i don’t even kno how to stop. i don’t kno how to be okay again, or if i ever was.

My partner Clara and I have been organizing our wedding for August 2024, following a two-year engagement to allow us to gather funds. Coincidentally, my mother got engaged over the recent holidays and has her wedding planned for the end of May 2024. This places our weddings barely two months apart.

Clara was taken aback when she learned about my mother's plans. She questioned if I found it odd, which initially, I didn't. Clara expressed concern that having a parent marry so close to their child's wedding was unusual because the child’s event should ideally remain the focal point. She mentioned that her own parents would never schedule their wedding so close to hers.

My mother, who’s a seasoned wedding planner with a generous budget, has definitely shifted the family’s attention towards her own wedding. Recently, Clara felt slighted at a family gathering. When the topic of her dress fitting came up, someone asked if my mother had seen the dress. Responding in jest, Clara said she wouldn't be taking my mother dress shopping in fear that she might end up trying on gowns herself.

This led to a tensed conversation where my mother confrontationally asked Clara if there was an issue between them, leading to Clara just rolling her eyes. For the rest of the evening, my mother’s fiancé and I had to keep the two apart. Later, in the car, I pointed out to Clara that her comment was unnecessary, which upset her further. I tried to explain that I understood her feelings but also stated that my mother might not prioritize our wedding the same way, which probably wasn't the best thing to add at the time. Clara became noticeably quieter and was reluctant to discuss it further, making me realize I might have been too harsh.

If this scenario unfolded in a reality show, I can only imagine the fans rallying behind Clara, sympathizing with her feelings of neglect and overshadowed preparations. There might even be debates on social media about whether my mom was stealing the spotlight or if Clara was overreacting. It would definitely stir up drama and opinions among viewers, possibly making it a much-discussed episode.

I keep asking myself this question more than I should—am I good enough for her? She’s amazing. She’s 35, confident, elegant, makes six figures doing something I don’t even fully understand but sounds important as hell. Meanwhile, I’m 31, still figuring my career out, working in a jobb I’m not even sure I want long-term. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely lost—I’ve got a decent job, I pay my rent, I’m not some couch-hopping slacker. But when I look at her and then at myself, I can’t help but feel the gap. And it’s not just the money, even if that’s a big part of it. It’s the way she carries herself, the way people listen when she talks, the way her eyes light up when she’s explaining something she’s passionate about. And then there’s me, nodding along, trying not to sound like an idiot when I chime in.

She’s never made me feel lesser, not once. She’s kind, supportive, loving. When we’re together, I feel safe. But that little voice in my head doesn’t shut up. It whispers that I’m just the fun guy for now. That eventually, she’ll want more—someone who matches her pace, her level, her lifestyle. She takes me to these nice places, introduces me to her work friends, and I’m just there trying to keep up. They all seem so put together. Great jobs, great clothes, expensive watches and inside jokes about client calls and conferences in Zurich. I stand there with my craft beer and force a smile, wondering if they can see through me. If they can tell I don’t really belong in that circle. I feel like I’m pretending half the time. Like I’m her guest in a life that I don’t have the credentials for.

It messes with me more than I want to admit. I start holding back, second-guessing everrything. Like, should I even talk about my problems when hers are clearly so much more important? Should I even suggest where to go for dinner when she can afford places I’ve only ever walked past? It’s not that I expect her to change or that I resent her success—far from it. I admire her. But I’m scared that my admiration is turning into something poisonous. Like I’m not showing up as her partner, but as some guy who's constantly trying to catch up. And how long is that sustainable? I wonder if she notices when I flinch every time the bill comes and she insists on splitting it. Or when she mentions future plans and I pause, not because I don’t love her, but because I don’t know how I’d ever afford the kind of future she deserves.

Sometimes I think maybe I should just let her go. Not because I want to, but because it might be easier than this constant feeling of falling short. Maybe she’d be better off with someone more like her—someone who already owns a place, who already figured it all out. But then we’re alone together, and she’s lying on my chest, laughing at something dumb I said, and in those moments, I forget about everything else. I remember how much she chooses me, how she looks at me like I’m everything. And I start to believe, even just for a second, that maybe I am good enough. Maybe she sees something in me that I can’t see in myself yet. But it never lasts. The moment fades, and the doubts sneak back in.

I know part of this is my own baggage. I grew up thinking men were supposed to provide, to lead, to be the “stronger” one, whatever that even means anymore. And now here I am, with this incredible woman who checks all the boxes and then some, and I feel like I’m the one falling behind. Society doesn’t say it out loud, but it whispers just enough—if she’s ahead, maybe he’s not a real man. And that pressure, that outdated, toxic expectation, it’s crushing. I want to be proud of her, and I am, but I also want to be proud of myself. And right now? I’m not. I feel stuck in this in-between, where I love her so much but don’t know how to let myself feel worthy of being loved back.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still figuring it out. But maybe writing this, admitting this, is the first step. Maybe I don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. Maybe I just need to believe what she already seems to believe—that I have value, not because of my salary or status, but because of who I am with her. It’s not easy. I still have a long way to go. But I’m trying. I’m trying to silence the doubt, to be present, to show up for her and for myself. Because if there’s even a chance that I am good enough, then I owe it to both of us to stop running from the question—and start proving it to myself.

My dad’s 66th birthdayy is tomorrow and my siblings and I (4 total) were planning to go out to dinner with him tonight to celebrate. Growing up, we never went out to restaurant or even got take out. Once we hit our teens we didn’t even eat at the dinner table together or at the same time. Now we’re all grown, with me being the youngest (30) and we’re trying to do things together that we never did such as a family dinner.

My dad is notorious for catching an attitude leading up to a holiday or occasion. I’m talking birthdays, Christmas, ground hogs day, the last day to do taxes. If it’s in a calendar, he automatically catches a mood at least two days prior to the day and holds it.

Somehow I was placed in charge of arranging this dinner and I was told to invite my oldest brother (my mother’s first born) and his wife to the dinner. This was done prior to the attitude. Yesterday, I get the message from my sister that he’s In a mood and going on a mumbling rant about whatever and I would most likely want to cancel dinner. I didn’t, I held out to figure out what was going on.

Now here we are todayy, there’s animosity in the air, he locked up in a room all day not speaking to anyone. So I have to text my oldest brother that we’re cancelling. — But seriously. It’s embarrassing. I don’t want to tell my brother that we can’t have dinner because my dad doesn’t know how to act. Should we have gone without him??

Recently, I embarked on a journey from Melbourne to Dubai. Anticipating the long, fourteen-hour flight, I opted for a premium economy seat to ensure some degree of comfort during the travel. Little did I know that this decision would involve me in an unexpected dilemma.

As I settled into my seat, the passenger beside me struck up a conversation. It turned out he had just been upgraded and was traveling with his new wife, as they were on their honeymoon. He put forth a request; if I could possibly switch seats with his wife, who was seated in the standard economy section towards the rear of the aircraft.

I expressed my congratulations on their marriage and inquired about her seating location. When he pointed out her economy seat, I found myself in a tough spot. I politely declined to switch seats, given the significant difference in comfort and amenities between our seating classes.

He persisted, asking if there was any incentive that might persuade me to change my decision. In response, I suggested that I might consider swapping seats if he compensated me for the price difference, an additional $1,000 AU$. Upon hearing this, he mentioned they were traveling on a budget for their honeymoon, and I congratulated them again while resuming to my own world of music and solitude with my earbuds. His parting words, under his breath, were not too kindly, as he labeled me selfish. My retort was that he, too, was not being considerate by opting for the upgrade alone rather than with his wife.

Later, sharing the incident with my wife, she opined that perhaps I should have been more gracious. Yet, I know well her own disdain for economy class, and I doubt she would have made the switch either.

If this encounter were part of a reality show, one can only imagine the varied reactions of an audience watching the dilemma play out on screen. Viewers might align with my desire to retain a seat I paid extra for, or they might sympathize with the newlywed couple, seeing my decision as unsympathetic. Reality TV thrives on such conflicts, compelling the audience to ponder what they would do in a similar situation, possibly provoking debates and discussions long after the episode airs.

What's your take on switching seats on a plane?

so recently i find out my male best friend of 3years has been ignoring me. I mean at first i thought he needs some time like cause he also has friends but every time we leave school I am who tries to find him and talk to him, I always try reach but not him. I am not trying to make this about myself cause even when we just stand next each other I feel like be does not want to talk to me and he knows about my difficulties with friends. And its not he does not talk to girls at all but its specifically me he is not talking to i feel very betrayed I'm not trying to act like a jealous female friend of some sort i just want to talk to me once again like we did in 8th grade. What should I do?

So me and my girlfriend hav been dating for around 5 months and it's been amazing I've never felt happier. Until recently she's become really obsessive and stopping me from going out with friends and family because when I do she tells me that I'm ignoring her and threatens to hurt herself and a bunch of other stuff. I love her to bits but her change has really put me out of it and idk what to do

The celebration of Canadian Thanksgiving is quite a tradition in our home in the United States, owing largely to my stepmom's Canadian heritage. Every year, her mother travels from British Columbia to host a grand Thanksgiving feast for our mostly American family. But, truth be told, my step-grandmother, whom I affectionately refer to as my “step-grandma,” lacks a certain finesse in the kitchen. More so, her personality brims with passive-aggressiveness, especially during our festivities. Each year, without fail, she magnifies her culinary efforts, expecting endless adulation for her rather unsavory dishes.

Every Canadian Thanksgiving, my husband and I find ourselves designated as the dishwashers, a task we’ve reluctantly accepted. While I don’t inherently mind washing dishes, being the sole helpers when we are guests starts to feel more like an imposition. Originally, it seemed logical since we were the youngest adults, but over the last few years, even as my stepmom’s younger relatives joined, they’d quickly retreat to luxuries like the hot tub, leaving us to labor alone. It’s particularly frustrating when I'm interrupted during rare moments spent playing with my nephew I barely see, only to hear my step-grandma's loud hints about needing help in the kitchen, followed by my dad enlisting us yet again.

The previous year marked our move to a different city. When the annual celebration rolled around, they inquired if I would attend. Initially, I hesitated and eventually declined, citing uncertain reasons before outright refusing even their offer to cover our travel costs. Truthfully, it wasn’t about not being able to go; I was simply tired of the unfair expectation that we, alone, should contribute through chores while others socialized or relaxed.

Discussing this with my two older brothers brought mixed reactions. One brother sympathized, understanding my frustration, while the other dismissed it as a trivial issue. This leaves me questioning: am I being unreasonable here?

Imagine if this scenario unfolded on a reality show. Cameras rolling, capturing every whisper and conspicuous glance, the tension and the drama heightened for viewers at home. How would the audience react to seeing one family member consistently laden with tasks, their genuine annoyance veiled under polite compliance? The dynamics of sympathy versus judgment from the public could swing widely, possibly siding with me for feeling singled out or against me for making a 'big deal' out of family help.

Given this context, I wonder if my frustration is justified or if I should just accept these family roles silently.

This is my first time doing something like this and probably the only time I only ever talk to myself when I feel down I'm in high school and I've always been the "lone wolf" that one quiet and calm kid you might see sketching or climbing a tree I don't talk much and people know me I know people but I'm not really friends with anybody I've only got one friend will call here 'Po' and lately things just feel different and off I'm not as happy as I used to be seeing them and it's probably just me so I event brought it up I'm so fed up with everything I can't vent to anyone and Po is my only friend and she's got more than enough of her own problems on her plate plus a lot from other people we're both 'therapist friends' if you will I often find myself fixing other people's lives only for them to completely ditch me months or weeks later feels like rescuing an injured animal as soon as their healed up they leave you Po vents to me about how draining it is to be around people who are depressed and down not in a mean way I get it it is draining and she's referring to her girlfriend who is also going through some stuff Po get seasonal depression and it's mid winter where I am I don't have any other friends or even people to talk to I've got a little sister who's much younger then me so why would I vent to her and honestly I wouldn't trust her either my parents aren't a option and I don't know where else to vent I'm the one who fixes everything what happens when I'm not doing great? witch I haven't been for awhile I just wish I could disappear everything is so stressful and the only thing keeping me going is drawing I'm sick of everything else my friendship with Po feels just feels empty she's moving in a few months and if you asked me last year in January I would have said there's no way we would grow apart and our friendship would totally be fine but now I'm not so sure and I can't lose her but it doesn't feel right anymore and anytime I think of venting to her she ends up telling me about how someone just vented to her and how she's glad that I feel like a breath of fresh air I'm not sure what to do my body image issues have been getting worse I find myself using the alphabet trick to stop me from crying at least several times a day and I'm not sure what to do I feel dead inside and I quit soccer which I've been doing for seven years I'm going to quit a sewing classes I've been in for four years and I'm so incredibly guilty for feeling like this when everyone else is doing bad too I just want it to go away I can't do this anymore I don't want to be the loner who's fine with never hanging out or sitting by myself and enjoying my own company 24/7 I don't trust people because I had bad trust issues before especially with older people when I was younger it took me 4 years to trust this lady and two days after I did and let my guard down it blow up right in my face and I haven't seen them in three years and honestly I don't want to I still can't believe that it felt like I got kicked when I was already down and I don't think I'm ever going to recover from that since I told myself it would be fine and having trust issues isn't healthy so I decided to trust someone and then it backfired spectacularly I don't feel like eating or doing anything I just want it to stop I hate this so much and I wish I could just be normal I'm stressed about everything I feel like I'm going mental and I'm so dissociated from life it's not even funny I'm probably gonna regret ever writing and ranting about this even though it's just on the internet where nobody knows who I am thank you for lending me an ear there is a high chance of spelling mistakes in this since I'm writing this down so quickly but genuinely thank you I'm not looking for sympathy I just really need to get this off my chest to anyone will to read

When other kids elsewhere probably fantasize about this longer than I do, I think about this for a bit, before I start panicking about every worst case scenario. This is why relationships...in general, are a risk. They're painful, bad, and they're not a thing I NEED to live in this world, they're just a liability. Like, I feel like an adult next to these buffoons in school! They can't see the risks, the pains, the agonies, they can't see all those dirt under the nice leopard-print carpet! And you know what, I can handle being alone with no one! They're a liability and risk anyways. Being tough and ROUGH is the way to go! I'm not soft, and I'm not gonna be vulnerable with anyone! No matter how much I want it, it's a sin on my part! It's like wanting drugs as a teen, it may smell good but it's bad for you! Aren't there any perks to not showing your vulnerability? it helps maintain your composure, you don't make things awkward or dangerous at work, it can make you look really stoic and composed and leader-like, and it makes you focus more on yourself and learn self-work by your SELF. See? You may say hiding vulnerabilities is bad, but ugh, when some movie characters do that, bam! Trusted the wrong person! Look at Elphaba and Madame Morrible with the Wizard of Oz, they were shams who couldn't read the magic book nor make magic, only for Oz! And she for her whole life wanted to be like him, but he's a useless man! Even I tried remembering the Wizard was a farsi, before the movie confirmed it again, because he looked suspicious!

I can be safe even from the "nicest" people. I was only BARELY ALIVE when I trusted mom so much to tell her things like "If I got Rem for Diwali, more fireworks would've sparked in the bedroom!" and she didn't react at all or I actually listened when she said she wanted to be my confidant and she didn't maybe shame me, but who knows? Maybe that's her way of being judgy. Still, just now, I wanted to hang out with a neighbor, but her friend came and they had some school project so I was essentially the weirdo stranger from downstairs. She may say we can play tomorrow, but because of my gut, I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone, so, I'm giving equality to people. I even don't trust mom when she says if I don't trust anyone, I'll be miserable. I wasn't crying when I got home, I just said to myself, "You had a weird gut feeling, and you were right!" I just felt more gray than blue. Plus, in Indian airports, considering how dumb the country can be, whenever I see guard dogs bark and play with the security for a bit, and the security is armed, I think they're fools. My grayness isn't depression, it's realization of truth. I'll just be NATE JACOBS, minus the abuse and power play. Come on, as dumb as people can be, why go out of my way to hurt them? I mean, look what happened. I kept cool, prioritized her, and left! I'm mature because I didn't cry nor feel sad, I just felt like, "Good I considered this." Same thing goes for when some people from school wave in the front. I don't think they're waving at me, I've seen this trope in movies too many times to not be fooled, and I'm right. They wave at their friends. I'm mature than them, right? Right?? I'm predicting the worst so I don't end up in bad situations. Like, she said she was being mean by asking me to leave, when I was being mean! I came to her house when her friend was meant to arrive only 10 minutes after me, and I was really quiet when her friend came. So yeah, me even being here and existing is mean, because I bet I smelled or didn't look good that time! She's 10 and I'm 13, so it's weird!

In fact, I should stop hanging out with her. Or anyone. I should stop making plans for anyone, and if anyone invites me, I won't come. Wanna know my mature reason? One time, a friend of mine wanted to let us visit in some mall, and because of stuff and a party she had before, we never went. Not only that, she's now bigger buddies with another girl. Good for her, foolish of me to even accept it. I don't know why for a while I cried about wanting one friend, if this also a big unnecessary risk. I won't hang out with that neighbor again, because well, this is what'll happen. Same thing goes if I dare, DARE, fall in love and date someone at 16, and then break up and call it worth it, god forbid. I fail to understand how movies, and REAL PEOPLE, say it's worth it. If it was, why else did you guys leave? I'm being like Kat from Euphoria, she's cynical and learnt from movies that to be cynical is empowering. I need to shove and stop this feeling. I'm shameful to assume friends are important. I can live like the great Syd Barrett, who managed. He only died from pancreatic cancer. Relationships hurt me, even friends! I've been abandoned, because it was my fault! It hurts! So I'll reject it. It only causes pain. That kinda love is...scary. Why do they say it was worth it if it all broke up then? It never clicked with me. If I were in that, I would cried, moved on, and chosen the life of a celibate permanently because...this is the result of even trying. As much as I'd hate to say this, but...I'm scared. Like, genuinely, really, really scared. Oscar said the same thing to Alex in the book RWRB, he loves Ellen and even though they divorced they don't regret it. Well, I would a lot. If I knew the instability, even the smallest signs, I'd leave before it'll get worse. See? I'm asexual! I may fantasize about love and snuggling, but it's all a dumb thing! Hah, dad was right. I had a crush for a girl, I never confessed to her because as young as 11 I know how unstable they were at this age in "the real world". Then at 12 I wanted to be a great friend, we had the mall plan, it never happened, and now she's with another close friend. I tried messaging her but she never responded, so naturally, I deleted and she never noticed. Right now in school, I lost my desire to even have a class crush a year ago, so whenever they joke about crushes, I behave like this. It's like when a person sees a puppy, you laugh and go, "Awww!" If I saw the puppy, I'd be scared a bit and go, "Oh, a puppy. It's fine." I'm asexual because I'm mature. I'm asexual because humans are garbage.

But with everything that happened, it won't get better. It won't. It's just that I learnt to be a warrior early, at 11. Now it's time to be a soldier, then general. My dad even said a good point, maybe he's right this time. Him and mom being together because they were in a long situation-ship in college and early careers before marrying and still being together for 16 years, is pure luck because "most of the time it doesn't happen". He's right. Maybe I can never find a love unless I arrange or work "somewhere", if you know what I mean. Mom's wrong to say maybe I can meet people "like me", when I'm older, because mom has a mini-friend who's 8 years younger than her and even though they work in different companies now, they somehow make some small time. But, it's a farce! Mom doesn't even meet her most of the time, college I heard is a crap experience, work I heard from dad everyone are losers or idiots or very competitive, the Internet is weird, and even then, humans are garbage. This is the only time dad's right! I'm more embarrassed I thought I'd have one friend when I was 11. I'll never be ashamed by my SUPER SQUID DEFENSE SYSTEM. I'm not alone, I'm an adult at 13! I'm a warrior squid, an eel who bites before anything bites her! I'm better than my classmates! I'm smarter than them, and I can't be hurt easily if anyone leaves anymore! In fact, I can leave them if I detect an OUNCE of instability. I'm a diamond, unbreakable, and I can work under societal pressure. Trust no one, listen to the rules to be safe from people, and never fight back or else you're a "snitch". My brother said one of the reasons I don't have a friend is because I'm a snitch. Like a squid I can squeeze out of bad stuff, like an eel I can bite back, and like I diamond, I can never ever be scratched or dented!