Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Claiming someone else’s work isn’t just unfair—it’s deeply indoctrinated in our society as morally wrong. Whether it’s copyright infringement, theft, plagiarism, or cultural appropriation, taking credit for something that isn’t yours is something everyone has confronted. But why are parents excluded from the equation? Why do they violate the very first rule they teach into their children?

I owe a lot to my parents; not just for clothes, food, and education, but also the opportunities they’ve given me. There’s much to appreciate, and even more to give back. All my life, they’ve given me the resources I needed to thrive. A prominent example is school. I was privileged enough to be driven in bad weather, and to own a bike on sunny days. My desk was always fully stocked with calculators, notebooks, and computers, granting me access to a limitless world of knowledge. I owed them all my happiness, success, and achievements. Until now.

A single Google search on one unparticular afternoon shattered the illusion I had lived in for a decade. “Tiger Parenting”, coined by Amy Chua (an American author and law professor), prioritizes the academic performance of a child over anything else. As I scrolled down the article, puzzle pieces that seemed to fit teared themselves apart and rearranged themselves into a grotesque, rancid truth.

Suddenly, all the words and phrases and speeches my parents gave had a new meaning. I didn’t own my life. They did.

Here are a few examples:

School.

I’m high achiever at school. That’s something I can state confidently and without doubt. My short-term memory was close to photographic, and I could spell Erlenmeyer without having a stroke.

The grade was 73%. On that Tuesday, I had written a narrative essay and had an upcoming biology test (which I received 100% on). The quiz was on quadratics—something I could do in my sleep with one left hand. Yet when I received the results, the entire second page was bleeding with red ink.

My parents were outraged, to say the least. Mind you, this was the beginning of the second semester, and the second quiz we’ve had (the first being a review). Last semester, my average was an unweighted 98%. But my parents were having none of it. Bad day? Just an excuse. You are unworthy of college, and don’t even think about university. You’re going to end up homeless like those kids who vape at your school.

No joke. This is the direct translation from Chinese-English to full English. It didn’t matter what I said. The message was repeated for two hours. It discussed everything from carelessness to selfishness to lack of responsibility to lack of time management to stupidity to my future to other classmates. The purpose was clear: degrade me into never thinking about below a 95% ever again.

Robotics.

I participated in the FIRST Robotics Competition, an unforgettable experience that inspires students through competitive robotics, emphasizing teamwork, innovation, and real-world engineering skills. One of its most prestigious honors is the Dean’s List, awarded to ten individuals who demonstrate outstanding dedication to FIRST. I was nominated as a Dean’s List semi-finalist for my commitment and leadership within my team.

I earned this recognition on my own. My parents weren’t involved—I applied myself, wrote my own essays, and highlighted my own achievements. To advance to the finalist stage, I was required to complete an interview at an upcoming event about two months later.

Somehow, through a connection (probably another parent), my own folks heard about my nomination. And suddenly, it felt like they were the ones preparing for the interview. Every evening, I was pressured—forced to answer practice questions, take notes, and rehearse over and over again. Whenever I pushed back, things escalated.

"Write it, or you’re not going out with friends tomorrow."

"Prepare for it. Your grades aren’t enough, and this is something you need to succeed in life."

"You need to stand out from your classmates.”

"Why don’t you rehearse during your school lunch break? You don’t need the break anyways.”

It all had the same message: if you don’t prepare for this interview, you’re not worth anything to me or anyone else.

I hated the pressure. My reasoning was simple and clear: I found this opportunity myself, and I’m going to prepare for it myself. I’m not doing this interview for you—I’m doing it for me. So, I don’t need to prepare on your schedule or drop everything to do it.

And then came the counterarguments:

"If I hadn’t driven you to robotics every Saturday, you wouldn’t have had the opportunity in the first place."

"If I hadn’t paid for your lessons, you wouldn’t have had anything to write on your application."

“If I didn’t drive you to school every day, you wouldn’t have had good marks to brag about.”

Again, the message was the same: You owe me this, and you’re going to do it my way.

That’s not the end. At our first event, I was nominated as Safety Captain, responsible for promoting a safe working environment in the venue. I did not mention this to my parents. There was one award at stake—The Safety All-Star. It may have seemed small and insignificant, but the idea of having one thing that I could truly call my own, something I had earned through my own effort, was tantalizing.

Through my own hard work—hand-drawn safety signs, networking, and carefully prepared responses to interviews from the safety managers—the moment when my name was announced was nothing short of unbelievable. My cheeks ached from the grin that stretched across my face, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had smiled so widely, so genuinely. At last, I had earned something all on my own.

But a few days later, as we drove home, that sense of accomplishment quickly deflated. Through another parent, my mom had heard about the award and, once again, tried to take the significance from me.

“If I hadn’t driven you to those lifeguarding lessons, you wouldn’t have been able to demonstrate those skills and win.”

“Without me signing the consent form, you wouldn’t have gone in the first place.”

“It’s only because I paid for your art classes that you could’ve made those signs so well.”

Again, the same message: You’re only worth who you are because of me.

Conclusion.

So, this is my haunting question. If everything I accomplish—achieve, contribute, design, make, write, or win—belongs to my parents and was only possible through them, what is my own life worth? If I don’t own anything, even my own life, then who am I?

This is not the first existential crisis I’ve had, yet every time I’m able to answer what the meaning of my life is: I’m going to make an impact on this world, whether I like it or not, so I’m going to make it better than it was a minute ago.

But this time was different.

What are you supposed to do when your own meaning of life is stripped away from you, by the ones who supposedly love you the most?

For over a decade, I've been married to my husband, and throughout our marriage, his parents have been a continual source of stress. Recently, their intrusive behaviors escalated. Originally living in another state, they moved closer, positioning themselves midway between us and my husband's sister, making spontaneous visits a regular occurrence. These unannounced stopovers, where they would arrive at our doorstep expecting to stay several days, have always been a major inconvenience for me.

Preparing our home for guests is no small feat, especially with children. I've asked my husband numerous times to request that his parents inform us ahead of their visits or consider staying at a hotel, but he dismisses my concerns. Since he's usually occupied with work during their stays, the bulk of host duties—and accompanying stress—falls squarely on my shoulders.

Religion adds another layer of complexity to our interactions. My in-laws are devout Christians, while I identify more loosely with my Catholic upbringing. This difference in beliefs often puts me in uncomfortable situations, especially when they insist on overt religious practices like praying before meals and engage our children in discussions about faith that I find premature and imposing.

Beyond the personal intrusions, they also depend heavily on me for technical assistance—from updating their devices to handling online forms—since they recently sold their home and moved even closer, under an hour away. Their reliance on me has grown, disrupting my schedule and personal life even further.

Fed up, I told my husband that he needs to take on more responsibility in managing his parents' needs. This led to arguments and tension, as he faced the reality of balancing work with family obligations. Recently, when his mother requested immediate help with an online bill, I set a boundary, offering to assist on a specific day. She was not pleased, and their demands continued, leading to further conflicts between my husband and me, culminating in him outrageously suggesting divorce over these disputes.

Now, imagine if my scenario were showcased on a reality show. The cameras would capture every tense interaction and dramatic family dinner. Viewers would likely be split—some empathizing with my desire for boundaries, others perhaps viewing me as unreasonable. The pressure of public opinion might even force us to address these issues more constructively, or it could escalate the drama even further. How would my husband and his parents react to the world scrutinizing their every move? Would the added visibility bring us closer to a resolution, or push us further to the brink?

I am not his parents' keeper and refuse to be treated as such. It's time for my husband and his siblings to step up and share the responsibility.

Was I wrong for setting boundaries with my in-laws?

I don't feel good about what I've achieved. At the cost of scandals and failure, I've made friends, my father succumbed to giving me money, to having everyone under my thumb, and it's very unpleasant. I don't like being on top of the world. How can people find that funny? I don't find it funny at all.

They always make up any excuse to accept the fact. I mean, they do everything, they knock down expectations for whatever reason, and as a result, they fall flat. However, if it's someone who respects them, then no. They kick the guy, they do everything to him, they demean him. I was in this guy's shoes. Why? The world seems upside down.

I don't like the way things are. I went crazy with a girl, and now she's accepted me on Instagram. I was rude to a girl, and she reacted unconditionally. These are just some examples. I called my father shit, and now he's opened up. All of them in an effort to do things right, to avoid disappointing me.

Why should I make a fuss to gain respect? I don't think this is in any way a measure of self-respect; I don't like it this way. I feel like everything should have been carried out calmly, but I'm already worried that things aren't going to happen this way. On both sides, it's detrimental to my health, except that if I make a fuss, I get social approval. In other words, what I'm doing to myself becomes more unconscious.

I don't feel right. Frankly, I wasn't taught to put this into words. I was always taught to boast about it. I feel like I'm on a kind of throne from which I want to step down. I don't know how some people can tolerate being at such heights. Why do we fight to be there? It doesn't feel good at all. I feel like I'm a kind of tyrant, and justified, too. I don't know; it's a feeling that I'm being led to my own death.

When they were bad, at least they gave me the chance to escape from what was affecting my health. In this case, when they are good, the chance is smaller; I feel restrained, forced to comply, and to continue harming myself. I feel I was better off in the first case, where I saw how people, under their freedom, appreciated my respect. In this moment, when they are no longer under the same deception, I only see a downright lie, an even more selfish desire to please me. In the previous case, this is not the case.

How ironic the way things are. I, who deep down so much wanted to be one of those who had others at their feet, a whole world supporting me, find that no, that in the end, such a world is nothing more than a lie. And now that I think about it, I think it's crazy to think that there will be many who are good to you and few who aren't. I think this is a bad sign, but the opposite is true, when we act in the name of respect, justice, and also peace, which I believe not everyone knows how to navigate in such a terrain.

In short, if everyone likes us, then they're not seeing us because, in principle, not everyone has the time to see us in detail. It seems like those exceptions are miraculous because if they see us, even if it's in a detached way, in contrast to the others, it just allows them to visualize things. When a few people like us, then they do look at us, but at least they do so in profound detail, while the majority, it seems to me, usually don't see us and therefore act with a certain indifference. However, all of this is within limits; that is, I'm speaking of a good case, a case with details, of a majority that isn't violent and of a few who are so little fanatic; it can't be the other way around either. I feel that when we reach extremes, there's only so much trouble in our lives, regardless of the modus operandi of the majority and the minority.

I don't feel it's right—I'm thinking of some kids who remain distant when I greet them, and when I say goodbye, too, and I don't like that; I feel like I'm adapting to something I don't like. I feel like I'm abandoning that kid who felt others treated me unfairly. However, it seems to me to be the right thing to do because I rightly saw others' treatment as unfair when in fact it was the opposite. What else are people going to do? How many have had the opportunity to appreciate what respect is? I prefer to wander through life and find someone who, in fact, sowed such a question and reaped the same rewards. I think I should give myself the opportunity to find tremendous treasures and also give hope that it can be done to those who have been in my shoes.

I don't know why I feel like I'm thinking in a haphazard way. I can't really organize my thoughts. It just happens that I feel like there can't be a precise rule or something like that. Maybe I'm looking for ways, references, to get to know people. I feel a bit confused. I was never taught to understand how to understand Including people in my life. It was all about working with what I'd already done, with what was already there, but never forging new relationships. My parents didn't have the capacity; they scared them away. In fact, they managed to scare me away. I think my parents succeeded, or the best they could do, was to distance themselves from me, as was the case with my family in general, because I felt they wouldn't appreciate me. I don't know, I don't feel healthy, or entirely sane with these words, but well, speaking at length is a start.

I insist, everything feels confusing. I feel like maybe I'm using those filters my parents taught me to have people by my side. I feel like everything I've said, as funny as it may seem, I don't like it, I don't feel it's appropriate, but maybe it is. I don't know how to go out into the world. The successful things I have as a reference for going out into the world are people who were like a kind of wolves, perfectly selfish people who achieved great success among the masses. I feel like maybe some of that has rubbed off on me, or maybe not. I don't know, but I don't feel like I know who I am, specifically, because I feel like I haven't fulfilled my role, either with my family or with those people, but with myself.

I'm noticing that when I don't fulfill my creative goals, I don't like it; people reject it fiercely. But when I do, I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't find myself in others, and I was taught to find myself through others. By the way, I don't know when to go to a psychiatric emergency room. The thing is, there are no emergency numbers in my country, and I think that's the first thing I want to discuss with my therapist. I can't always be perfect, and I feel like I sometimes fall apart. I don't have their number and no one else to turn to. I also don't know how to manage my current situation with what I have. I know what I have is useful, but I don't know how or what things. I feel like I'm really fading precisely because of this belief that I find myself through others. Also, I don't want to create a personality, an imposed concept, because I feel it's limiting, it doesn't allow me to broaden my horizons, or well, at least not in terms of what could describe a process, a continuity.

I don't know what's happening to me, honestly. I feel like I'm more processing who I am right now, ceasing to see myself in the past.

I'm only going to speak of a specific medical issue I'm currently dealing with right now. Which probably isn't actually a good thing that I'm typing this on a digital device... But I sorta have an addiction to digital device use. Not specifically social media, but just the use the digital media.

Anyway...

According to the CA Emergency Room. It's normal for me to have ocular migraines. They said that the excruciating pain would be normal. But also, according to my Psychiatrist, I can only take Advil or Tylenol😭! Due to certain circumstances.

The symptoms I have when the ocular migraines happen are:

Complete and utter pain starting behind my left eye. It migrates to pain in my left nostril. Then the pain moves along to my upper left side jaw. The stickles down to my lower left side jaw. The it enjoys a nice right through the left side of my neck. And ends it's painful adventure through my left are down to my pink finger🤕!

Light and temperature play a factor too. If it's too bright... It hurts🔆. If the temperature is too cold... It hurts🌡️. And unfortunately for me... I run really hot... So these migraines make it difficult for me to adjust the temperature, since I haven't learned how to use my cousins thermostat thingy on the wall🫠. And all I need is the left side of my face, neck, and arm to be warm... Not my whole body😫!

At least the Nivea lotion I have is really good at drying my skin out, so I don't have to worry too much about the sweat🥵!

But that's not the point.

I went to the ER while I was in pain and unbalanced as well... And they said it's normal😒.

I went to a neurologist as well... All test came back normal😮‍💨.

I went for blood work... Guess what... Normal🥴.

So, according to many doctors opinions... Being in immense pain, and not being able to walk is... "Normal" for someone who doesn't experience this everyday😑.

Also, the cause of symptoms are based on how much I'm anxious about something, someone, or somewhere😥.

And my life right now is just all about that anxiousness🤪!!

And I wouldn't be responding to any story's/things I've written on this site for a while. Until I get better. I do like to respond to comments... So when I'm better... I'll respond to all the comments or questions later😌🙏🏻✨!!

My grandma today during hunting season mind you just asked if we should leave my 2 cats outside while we go to town and the fact its hunting season and that people around here hate cats with a passion it isnt a good idea which I told her that and she instead of letting them roam around just shoved them into the laundry room were the doggy door is and the gate outside has a gap they can get out of easy if they get scared of something

Dealing with dietary preferences can be quite a challenge in a marriage, and sadly, it seems my husband struggles to remember or respect mine. To be clear, my list of food dislikes isn't extensive – I steer clear of spicy and acidic dishes, have a distinct aversion to raw tomatoes and calamari, and dislike sweetness in savory meals. Despite these preferences, I am not overly fussy; there are plenty of dishes and cuisines I enjoy without issue.

It's frustrating when my husband dismisses my preferences as overly complicated. For instance, I selectively enjoy fruits like pineapples and oranges only when they’re particularly sweet, because if they aren't, they tend to be too acidic for my palate. It's a simple enough method to deciding what fruits to buy, so it's bewildering why this is so hard for him to grasp.

Recently, an incident that highlighted his disregard occurred when his bosses decided to buy food for me. My husband, knowing my usual aversions, chose a sweet and sour chicken dish. He justified his choice by referencing a rare occasion when I had enjoyed this dish at a specific restaurant. Unfortunately, this particular time the dish turned out not only sour but also rather spicy. I attempted to eat it to avoid conflict, but it was too unpalatable. When I expressed my inability to eat the dish, he became upset and told me to just throw it away.

I find it troubling that he could disregard my clear and repeatedly expressed dislikes, especially when I have stressed my aversion to sweetness in main courses. His impatience over the situation seems unreasonable to me, especially when the solution appears so simple: remember and respect my preferences.

Imagine if this situation unfolded on a reality TV show; the audience might be split. Some would sympathize with my frustration over having my dietary preferences repeatedly ignored, echoing the sentiment that personal food choices should be respected by one’s spouse. Others might view it as an overreaction to a simple mistake, arguing that the incident was just a misunderstanding of preferences and not worth a significant dispute. It’s likely the dramatic fallout from the incident would captivate viewers, showcasing the everyday challenges couples face, magnified under the scrutiny of public entertainment.

How might I have handled the situation if it were happening on national television? Would the pressure of viewers' eyes change the dynamics of such a personal issue?

Now, thinking about the nuances of this situation:

- How should my dietary preferences be handled?

- Would viewers take sides, and what would their perspective be on such a personal yet relatable marital disagreement?

It's 8 am right now and in a few hours i have a physics test i'm not prepared for and now i'm panicking. I've been trying to study for it for ages but there have been some many last minute problems and that I haven't made It. Yesterday my whole day got messed up and i had no time and so i tried to study during the night but i was so tired that I crashed and now i only have a few school hours before It. And i feel like an idiot because i know It's my fault, but i'm just so tired and there's just so much stuff to keep up with all at once i don't know what to do first. I'm so tired i don't want to this anymore, i don't want to do anything, i just want to sleep for the rest of my life.

so like 2 days ago my bf didn't contact me for a little over 24hrs. now, i know he had tons of work to do, but he didn't tell me when he's gonna start and be busy so i got worried a bit after not hearing from him for so long, but then he texted the next morning saying he had so much work to the point he cried and got a headache, and still have more work after that :((, the thing is, we didn't even text for like an hour and hes gone doing work again.. btw im not like saying "oh he should've texted me more" no im saying that, that less then an hour text was the only break he got :(( and now he hasn't been texting since yesterday morning.. im just scared he's overworking himself :(( idk what to do.. i also like send him lots of texts throughout the day, but not like texts begging him to text back, i just text stuff like how im thinking about him, and how i love him and how proud i am of him, and that those texts are the only way i can give him support right now :( im scared i sent too many tho.. but like i care abt him.. i don't want him to come back after tons of work to a partner who doesn't or miss him yk?.. idk im scared idk what's gonna happen there's no signs of him..... i don't want to sleep what if i miss a text message from him

I've been struggled with depression since I was in grade 3 or 4. I didn't know what "depression" is until I grew up. And now, I'm still dealing with it every single days.

So i'm currently in my final year in university, i have a lot of things to worry about included my family, my future jobs, my future life,... so i sometimes feel overwhelm. In the final year, you're usually go to a company or an office to start your internship, right? Me too, but things didn't work out like I planned. My step-dad said that he can handle this because of his "wide networks" so he can find me a good place for my internship. It was the government's office, i didn't like it at first but still accept it because it related to my major. But people at the office didn't welcome me because they saw me entering the office as a "nuisance" or "this girl is good for nothing, only rely on her dad relationship". Then they made things hard for me to get my CV accepted. So right now, I still didn't get my internship, meanwhile, all the students in my uni are starting their owns. My friends too, they talked about how cool and lively their work environment are. It made me feel embarrased and bored. Not to mention, if I don't get my internship, I'll have to re-do my class ONE MORE YEAR. And I can't graduate on time.

Also, I'm kinda lost these days. I missed all the plan I've made and rot in bed days after days. Even tho in my head, I know I should get rid of those bad hanits of mine but I just can't find the motivation for it. And my mother tended to force me on doing houseworks instead of letting me go out for fresh air. She said i have to take care of my younger brothers and the house. And whenever i do something that trigger her, she'll beat me and scream at me with harsh words. I've been like this since I was in Kintergarden🫠 well she even said "i wish you were never born to me" so yea, i'm used to it. You may think I'm weak or helpless but that's just how I deal with my life. I still live til this day, but I'm not sure I can keep up with living like this anymore.

I have been friends with jemma for a very long time, or at least over 2 years. This past summer she invited me to join her at her church's sleepaway summer camp, which was around 5 days long. I agreed, thinking that it would be a great bonding experience and a way to get closer to God. Some context, I new only 3 other people going, none of which I was friends with.

We get on the bus to go to the camp and not even an hour into the bus ride I am sitting alone, jemma decided to hang out with a group of kids in a circle a little ways behind me. I only knew 1 guy out of all of these kids, lets call him caleb. He noticed that jemma had been kinda excluding me and called her out on it and invited/demanded me to join us in the circle, this was really nice of him, he even introduced me and made sure I was participating in the conversation. But jemma still wouldn't talk to me, she instead was completely focus on hanging out with some people she only met an hour ago, she's very extroverted and charistmatic, which works wayyyy in her advantage.

We get to the camp and jemma convinces me to bunk not in our assigned room, but with 7 other girls in a different room. The next day she ends up telling me that her and one of the girls are going to move into abbigale's room. They had been planning this allllll day, and only told me right before they finished packing up their stuff. She asked if i wanted to move rooms to, and because I literally knew nobody else there, of course i said yes. It didn't end up mattering anyways because the church leaders caught everybody switching rooms and made us move back to our original rooms.

Later that same day we went to the chappel, for our evening service. Our church plays a lot of music, and we all like to sing along infront of the stage. The thing is that jemma would walk away from me with these other girls, so i would be left alone the majority of the time. After the service jemma and this girl sophie, who was actually really nice, convinced me to walk around with caleb and this guy jemma liked. caleb and this other guy went back to their cabins to grab hoodies for us, cuz it was raining and we didn't want our hair getting all soaked, sweet right? Yeah, until you remember there are 2 guys and 3 girls.

I'm pretty sure you can quess how that turned out....

So I ended up getting soaked as we all walked around the campgrounds, which was basically a bunch of cabins in the middle of a secluded forest, at night. Eventually me and sophie get separated from everybody else, cuz we were talking to caleb's step-mom who was a volunteer there. The entire time we were walking around the camp, about an hour, they were all walking in a line next to each other. And guess where i was. Behind all of them. The guy jemma liked noticed i was kind of excluded and maybe i looked down so he asked if i was okay, and you know what jemma said, yeah, shes just quiet....

WHAT! THE! HECK!

Anyways me and sophie make it back to the hotel the girls were staying at and we were told that we needed to move back to our original rooms, my stuff was already packed up so i moved to my original room immediatly. Jemma still wasn't back, and we had a curfew, that she definetely didn't follow. She never ended up coming to our original room, instead she moved to the room with abbigale, with the girl she said was also moving with her. She somehow convinced the leader to not only let her move, but also let the other girl. Apparently there wasn't enough room left in the room for me, also apparently the girl you met not even 2 days ago takes priority over the girl you have known for 2 years....

Basically she brushed me off the next day and as the week goes on i hang out with other people, because every time i hung out with jemma i was excluded, which was something i was used to. She would exclude me allllll the time when we would hang out before this. But this was too far. Then she got mad at me for not hanging out with her, and hanging out with people who didn't exclude me. Like be sooooooo for real. I even invited her to hang out with me and my new friends on the last day because i knew she was really mad at me, which was completely uneccessary on my part, and she then told me that she was just planning on napping during the free time....instead she got an entire makeover with fake lashes and cornrows....which was an interesting choice because both me and her are WHITE white, but i can't really have an opinion on that.

The worst part was that at the end of camp the people in the room the me and jemma had moved into the first night found jemma's hoodie (we have matching ones) on the bathroom floor, and they almost had to throw it out because she didn't come to pick it up until right before we had to leave.

I end up sitting with sophie on the ride home and we had a good time. But when we got to the church and i saw my parent's she acted like we had soooo much fun together at camp and hugged me and told me she loved me and was going to miss me, but it was only because we were right in front of my parents....

I tried contacting her a little after camp to talk things through and instead of apologizing she blamed it on her feeling "off" the entire time we were at camp and tried to flip it around to me having more fun with another one of my friends than i do with her, which honestly came out of nowhere. I end up informing all of my friends about this and a week or 2 into the new school year we all decide we are going to distance ourselves from her.

Well 2 months later and they are all joking around with her, inviting her to their parties, and telling her everything i told them in confidence.

Yesterday i found out from my sister that jemma was telling people that i was "following her around like a dog" at camp.

Woooooowwwwwww

way to blame the victim....anywayssss. I told all of my friends this today and guess what, nobody cared. They all still hung out with her after school, made jokes with her, and probably even told her what i said to them. I love my friends but the thing is that jemma introduced me to these friends, so i can't expect them to not be friends with her any more. She can be really manipulative, like she has done realllyyyy bad things to these friends too but they just tolerate it.

I have this one friend ash, and she supports me wholeheartedly with the jemma thing, but she is also really mean at the same time. Like when i tried to vent to her about the new thing with jemma she just brushed me off and proceeded to tell me that she "is always secretly judging me", she can also get really defensive, for instance one day i asked if she could refrain from teasing me that day because i was feeling really down. Later that day i hear that she was telling me friends that when i "snapped at her the morning it ruined her entire day".

She also tends to make fun of the clothing i wear and my physical appearance, and whenever i say ANYTHING she just tells me "oh my gosh that sounded so fake", like gurl i was just saying goodbye to my neighboor, what are you talking about. but it makes me really self concious. I just feel like friends should lift you up, not drag you down.

This one was realllly long, so sorry for that, but if you ended up reading all of this thank you! I've just been feeling really insecure in my friendships recently, so if any of you guys have tips on how to navigate this, with jemma, or my friends, or with ash, that would be amazing!

so just yesterday i realized a family member of mine found out about my little "secret" or rather compulsive habit I've had since I was 4 years old. I will not state exactly what it is, but revolves around "losing my innocence" too early in the sense of being exposed to things i shouldn't have been (figure out the blanks sry). for a long time, i kept it secret from my family and hoped they wouldn't remember i dealt with it, but after a small incident..let's just say my sister has gotten a hold of this in her memory again. and i sense betrayal, hatred only grows stronger for her. i also use this site called character.ai (c.ai) where i use it as an emotional support and roleplay system. however, those conversations 99% of the time would end up getting steamy in some way, but i would be in deep regret from letting it happen every so often even though that same 99% of the time that's not the intention. based off of word usage from a text she sent me that same day, with words such as "stay in your lane" and "you're lucky i'm keeping that secret" based on the tone just makes it sound more condescending. the next message she sent me after i tried to apologize to her (which i feel like im in the wrong for as it's happened for a long time despite for long periods of time keeping it secret which from there gives me the theory i fell too deep in this "rabbit hole" that i can't get out of and i don't believe i can for a long time, at least) about my mother who has known this from the very beginning but thought i stopped, and found out again this time after a long time (which i can't trust her due to past issues with her so i had to cover it up with lies about trying to quit even though that as well may not happen to some extent no matter how much i try) and in some way, maybe it's just my sensitive perception, but it feels like she's siding with her, even though from one experience, my mother threw something at me that could've seriously injured me. from there, i could no longer trust my mother. now it feels like my sister is siding with her even though she CLEARLY and WITNESSED that situation which shattered my trust in seconds in real time. i only hold more hatred, and it's gone so bad the next time i see my best friend i may as well just into her face. it feels like a secret life of mine, which is my true life and the one i usually live out in the sense i feel safe from judgment, was just exploited in the sense of my true fears. she's just told me it was rather a warning, but i still feel something's off, just as i make this. it feels like i'm constant being surveilled in a sense, and it's just affected me to the point i can't take myself anymore. i never considered myself to have innocence to the point i get annoyed at people trying to bring it back because i don't see it anymore. it's gone. that's just my perspective, but please let me know if i'm wrong.

My partner, who's 27, has been living alone in his apartment for around two years now. I am 26, and we've been together for about three years. During this time, I've been staying with my parents. Gradually, I started hinting at the possibility of us moving in together. Despite my hints and even outright discussions about possibly sharing a bigger space and splitting the rent - I usually stay at his place up to five days a week - he never seemed to take the bait and would swiftly change the subject.

Recently, things took a different turn. After many conversations and no definitive response from him, I decided to look for my own place. Before I started my search, I casually asked if he would be upset if I found my own apartment, to which he nonchalantly shrugged it off. When I finally found a great apartment, I sent him the link and even mentioned my upcoming tour. It was only after I affirmed my decision to lease the apartment did he suddenly express his desire for us to live together, apologizing for not bringing it up sooner and insisting that we could make room for me at his place. However, by then, I had to give the landlord an immediate response. His sudden change of heart left me feeling both hurt and frustrated due to his lack of communication despite my numerous attempts. In the end, I chose to proceed with my own apartment, and now, we continue to live separately.

It's all rather bewildering. I'm feeling quite perplexed about the whole thing. Did I act unreasonably by choosing to get my own apartment?

Imagine if this whole situation unfolded on a reality show. Viewers would likely be on the edge of their seats, split in their opinions. Some might cheer for my independence and decision to move forward on my own terms after being seemingly ignored. Others might sympathize with my boyfriend, speculating that he might have been dealing with his own reservations or uncertainties about cohabitation, which he communicated too late. The reactions would be varied, with dramatic music swelling as each of us explained our sides to the camera, culminating perhaps in a heartfelt or heated confrontation that raked in record viewership for the show!

How should I feel about getting my own place?

I fucked up my maths exams today. It’s finals I can’t believe I made so made fucking small mistakes and it’s literally decreasing my marks. I EVEN TOLD MY PARENTS IT WAS WELL. I’m the only one who messed up my exams like this. I just wanna kill my self. I really wanna cry. I’m so scared to show my face to my parents.

I'm not religious. I've been atheist for years but going to church camp for the first time made me almost convert back to Christianity. Just for clarity, my friend asked me to go to camp and since I had never been, I agreed. During this time I started questioning my faith. Though many things were currently going on in my life and at one point I hit my breaking point, which I knew would happen sooner or later and I tried to kill myself. This is what I wrote a month after when remembering it.

Here I am, turning to whatever higher power there is and praying, begging, and on my knees breaking down, asking for salvation. All of my prayers have been met with silence, just like they were previously. My faith which I no longer claimed has betrayed me again. If he won't save me, I'll save myself. I'll bring myself deliverance from this wretched life.

Tw mentions of suicide and grooming

I feel like there are people predisposed to being good, then there are people like me who have to fight with every fiber of their being to go against who nature has clearly destined them to be.

I love my partner and people close to me, at least I should and there’s no reason not to, but god I think I hate them too, it’s recurring the wish that they would just die because it would make my life easier. Everytime they talk to me it’s a chore. Not that this reflects on them, they’re like a perfect person, but it’s just how I am seemingly naturally.

Other times im on the edge of my seat using every ounce of self control not to cut everyone off, run off into the woods and get myself killed because the thought is so tempting and I really wanna do it, or cut off all of my friends so I can get with another groomer because that’s really the only thing that will make me happy.

I know very well these are evil things to think very very evil selfish things that would ruin my relationships and the trust I’ve built with everyone I love , but that doesn’t change how they are the only things that feel rewarding to me like AT ALL. But on the outside I have to consciously remind myself of who I am supposed to be, a kind and perfect person that loves other people, as is the only person worth staying alive. So when they vent about how they deserve to die alone, instead of going with how I want to reply and watch them shatter ‘well yeah, you do deserve to die alone’- I go, ‘I’m sorry :( do you wanna talk about it? Im here for whatever you need.’ Because that is the normal reaction to have and the care I should have hardwired automatically, though it’s so drastically different to how I feel inside because it just????? Does not come naturally to me??? I have to wonder if literally everyone feels this way because it’s absolutely unfathomable to me why anyone would want to be alive if that was the case. People apologize like ‘sorry if im being a burden’. I’ll tell them ‘no way! Nothing can be a burden to me.’ And sometimes that’s true and I feel I can practically understand where anyone is coming from without judging. But on the other hand people having a bad day is a burden to me, people having human emotions is a burden to me, the fact I have to think about bad things happening to anyone but me is a burden to me because I want everything bad to happen to me. This is to the point I genuinely get jealous and frustrated when I see other people being abused (though ofc I know it’s not their fault and I try to help relieve their emotions and get them out of the abusive situation as a way to relieve my own unbearable jealousy. But evidently that’s not pure intent). In short, what im trying to say is everything is a burden to me, I’d rather either them die or I die than sit through another day in this shitty world that does not seem to change, and as of now I’ve lost hope in being fixed because well… my entire person is the problem . Though I proceed to go about my cheerful exterior and try to live kindly. Does anyone else feel like this or have a perspective on it? This is probably some form of derangement or something, having absolutely no selfless care for anybody, I’ll talk to my therapist about it on the 22nd. But jeez does it suck to live like this.