Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

My mom recently told me to “save myself” and get out of my relationship — essentially, to run. Ever since, I can’t stop thinking about it.

My partner and I have been together for just over 4 years. He proposed about a year ago. We’ve had highs and lows, but now I’m wondering if the bad outweighs the good.

He has long-standing mental health struggles: specifically, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Complex PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He’s been slowly learning to manage them better. And to be clear, I don’t think mental illness excuses poor behavior, but I do believe it adds context.

I also have my own issues — I have an anxious attachment style, and while I’ve never been formally diagnosed with anything else, I know I carry some of my own trauma.

My mom knows about some of the incidents we’ve gone through. Sometimes, when he’s triggered or overwhelmed, he shifts into a cold, mean, and distant version of himself. He feels like a different person — which makes sense, given the DID. I try my best to support him and stay patient, but when these episodes last for days, it really affects me. I stop feeling loved or even seen.

He also sometimes talks to new people — sometimes romantically, sometimes not. We’ve had an open relationship on and off because his personality changes have made consistent boundaries complicated. But it’s hard not to feel insecure or like I’m being replaced, even though he says he loves me deeply and always will.

When he shuts down, he leaves. He won’t respond to texts or calls for hours or whole evenings. During the worst of these, I’ve called my mom in tears. Once, I asked him about someone he was messaging, and he exploded. He called me stupid, said I wasn’t “evolved enough” for him, and that he needed someone who trusts and motivates him. That crushed me — I was only asking for reassurance.

After these moments, he usually comes back, apologizes, and says he’s working on changing. He’s loving again, and we go back to “normal.” But it’s a cycle. The dark side always returns.

My mom thinks this is manipulation. She says he’s using me — I pay for most of our life right now, since he’s in school. She believes he apologizes just enough to keep me around because I support him financially and emotionally. She hasn’t seen the best parts of him… but she also hasn’t seen the worst. And if she knew everything, I think she’d try to physically get me out of here.

So now I’m left wondering:

• Is he being emotionally manipulative and possibly abusive?

• Or is this just a deeply broken person doing his best and deserving patience?

• Is my mom being overprotective, or is she seeing something I’ve been too close to recognize?

I’m stuck between wanting to support the person I love and wondering if staying means abandoning myself. What would you do?

Recently, I've realized that when something goes wrong or I make a mistake, I get so frustrated that I make the situation even worse—worse than anyone can imagine. In that moment, I'm uncontrollably passionate in my rage to make it worse, without thinking of the consequences.

​I know this is a devastating fact, but right now, I don't know what to do. I'm in a full-blown rage at myself because of a mistake I made. I'm consumed by how I could have made that mistake. I want to punish myself terribly. I'm burning with anger at myself, wondering how in the world I could have made such a mistake

So basically, I'm in online class due to having this heart problem that's called VSD (ventricular septal defect), and it makes me lose my breath easily, and I get palpitations every time I run. So there's no hope of actually going to face-to-face schools due to walking long hallways and going up stairs. And there's barely anyone in my online class that I can be friends with. It makes me feel a little lonely, and I'm an introvert. But just because of the sole reason of wanting to be alone, I don't want to be lonely, y'know? And because my class starts from 8am to 4pm, I have to stay home for 8 hours, which makes me feel a little isolated inside my house. And when I go out, I can barely even have fun anymore since I always lose my breath so easily. I can't even swim in cold pools and beaches since I get cold so easily. At family gatherings, I can barely even hang out with my cousins since they go out every night. I can't, though. It's basically because I get cold so easily and I can quickly get sick and have a runny nose. I barely even have any friends to talk to; last time I went to school when my disability wasn't a challenge, I had tons of friends. But now, I've only had one friend from my old school that still keeps in touch with me. And she has regular class, so I can't really chat with her every day. Plus, I barely know anyone that shares the same interests as me. Sometimes during online classes, I use my phone during lessons. And technically, every now and then I use my phone to cope with the fact I barely have any friends to talk to and have fun with because I find it fun to use my phone since it's not reality; it's the opposite. It's getting out of reality.

I didn't know where else to put this, so I apologize if this is in the wrong category.

I got herpes from kissing my former boyfriend, at 17. When I told my mom, she yelled at me saying that's "what I get for being fast." Now she acts like it's no big deal, but I still remember how it made me feel like shit. Now I am 21 and identify as a lesbian. My mental health is so much worse since coming to that conclusion. Not only do I have a small dating pool due to being a lesbian, but now I have to deal with an even smaller dating pool due to having an STI. People say to just date other people who have herpes but that is nearly impossible when lesbians have the lowest rates of STIs. To be clear this is not a bad thing, I'm just explaining how isolating it can be for people like me and how it's not as simple as dating other women who have it. To add insult to injury, I have been diagnosed with a "mood disorder" (possible personality disorder as well). I have been dealing with this since childhood, not being able to explain what I was going through. This disorder has made me ruin all of my relationships, even while on antidepressants. I'm in therapy now, but being isolated has worn away at my hope that I will ever be well enough to be in a healthy relationship or have healthy friendships. This is not even factoring in current events that's make people in general focus less on romantic (or platonic) relationships and more on direct action/organized activism, rightfully so. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever: who would want to deal with my baggage?! I oscillate between thinking I'm better off gone, and thinking I could definitely continue to live...in a psych hospital.

I feel that privacy is a fundamental point in everyone's life, and not everyone values ​​it because it is precisely in this space where the free development of ideas can occur. Privacy is ours when there is a set of circumstances that are constant over time, and whose alteration in the future is impossible from the present, unless there is an external circumstance that prevents it, and of course, it is exceptional in nature.

I remember an aunt who didn't value privacy because she initially based her way of being on judging, of course in part, my way of being based on conversations she had with third parties. Without a doubt, I wondered why she held these opinions if she wasn't part of them. She, along with my relatives, always liked family to be a certain way, and for another, the principles they held dear to them to be maintained outside of their control, as when interacting with them. Ironically, for the former, it was one thing, and for the latter, another.

I'm very expressive, since lately I've been constantly expressing my emotions, and that has given my life an interesting twist. It's impressive how much an event can lead me to develop, to the point where I've longed, I confess, to distance myself from anything that impacts my way of life. That is, I seek to be as constant as possible under certain circumstances, leading me to the point of not seeking out relationships that lead me to new experiences. I recognize that this is why, for some time now, I've been single: the fact that I'm a person who generates numerous ideas.

I like to be in constant circumstances, and although they also generate ideas, they turn into a constant deepening of them, leading me to see things more holistically, that is, interconnecting parts of one thing and interconnecting these things with another. When an eventuality arises that disrupts my routine, that is, such constant circumstances, they lead me to break with those ties, or at least with that structuring, temporarily, of course. Indeed, I know that issues outside of routine are fruitful, however, the point is that one was aiming for a certain path and it was derailed, that's what bothers me.

I have to admit it too, I feel that everything affects me. I'm not like other people, at least within their perceptions of themselves, and of course I'm talking about the group around me. I feel things with an intensity that is overwhelming to me. It's like feeling like those individuals, within the notion I have of them, who call themselves highly sensitive people. However, on this point I prefer not to argue. Although I have to admit that perhaps this lifestyle, where I always express everything I feel, is ultimately a mechanism of pressure on myself, simply for the sake of doing this exercise, to observe every detail and take action, something my family members engaged in.

My family members were simply perfectionists. They observed everything I did and retaliated accordingly. Any deviation was worthy of reproach. For me, it stems from their high anxiety about unforeseen consequences in their environment. This is the issue that drives me to constantly express myself precisely because the events of my life have led me to encounter surprises, just when I thought I was headed in a different direction. I recognize that such an effort to stay within the same routine satisfies this need. Furthermore, since it results in a form of interaction with others given my absence, it is an achievement for me with my environment. That is, I have achieved a certain path with it, which is that they do not interfere with it. Opening up has allowed me to focus on my feelings, on what I feel, and to feel, in some way, even in the midst of this type of interaction, safe with others. It makes me forget their actions, just as they also forget the interaction they had with me. In fact, this is what has caused me, even if it doesn't happen, to avoid the spaces they frequent.

I had never before faced this reality: the reason for my loneliness. By opening up, by staying within this safety zone, I have also managed to sustain it at all costs, because with the delicacy involved in social relationships, it is easy to be left alone. That is precisely what I have sought social security because I have felt it is the only thing I can achieve with others. Indeed, the events will be varied and there will be lowered expectations, but that leads me to shelter in my isolation and protect it. That is, I carry out processes that lead me to places I know I'm going to reach, something that didn't happen before. I repeat, it's my only successful social interaction...

man oh man, let me just tell ya... 😩 so i'm a junior at my first job and honestly? i was hoping for something way better than this. like, going in i was super excited, thought it'd be all about learning from the pros and really vibing with people around me... but nah. here we are a few months in and it kinda sucks 😕

first thing’s first, the vibe is so OFF. dunno what happened to being team players or having any sort of camaraderie. the folks around here either slack off all day or they're super mean; it's like living in a soap opera but without the drama that's actually entertaining. it's stressing me out cause no one's bringing their A-game… how can you work when everything's just... bleh?

i remember starting out thinking i'd have mentors who'd guide me through stuff... here's the truth bomb: those guys? barely give two hoots about anything outside of clocking out at 5 pm sharp. if i ask for help? the eyes roll faster than a frisbee thrown on a windy day 😠 they don't flat-out say it but you can feel it. yeah sure there are good moments, not sayin it's all bad, but geez...

and let's not forget about jenny in accounting? truly love her but man does she stir things up! every time she sneaks by our desks… whispers be flyin' everywhere… raises suspicion more often than an overdue library book 🤔 gettin' involved isn’t even my style yet somehow i'm dragged into conversations that send my head spinning.

so here am i writing this out wonderin', does it honestly ever get better?? that's the million-dollar question right now. anyone been through this funk before or am i just stuck in some weird twilight zone?? wish someone could spill on whether this is jus' how grown-up life is gonna be forever 'cause frankly? terrified at the thought of feeling stuck like glue… i'm keeping fingers crossed cause that's what ya gotta do; hoping there's light at end of this tunnel‼️

cw: suicidal ideation, self harm, descriptions of abuse + masochism, possibly CSA (I’m not trying to claim its in the traditionally severe form so I’m sorry if it seems that way to ppl who have endured that), I just need somewhere to get an outside view of what’s happening with me. Be safe

I’m 15, trans guy but born female. I was a fundamentally bad, defiant child that was the defining thing about me so my mom used to be super abusive in a few ways to kindve stomp the defiance out of me . But the one that stuck with me was when she was supposed to be spanking me as punishment (though I think it had been over trivial matters. as if everything I said or did was destined to be wrong, I truly don't understand the reasons why she did it). I know well she’s not creepy nor a bad mother, she didn’t intend for me to take it this way and I promise I don’t wanna take it this way either because it’s been really humiliating, but the way she executed it (and intense ways I reacted to it over the years) ive realized as some strange form of sexual abuse. it’s not that I have any vivid picture memories, (my memory of my childhood is garbage as demonstrated time and time again) but I know it happened extremely often. I know the components I didn’t omit of the spankings to be true in these procedural bullet points. And its really nauseated me to think about she forced me to strip naked always and lay on her bed and would yk slap me relentlessly on the ass and if I tried to run shed chase me down, she wouldn’t let me leave her room, and if I cried she’d go harder till I shut up no matter how much I pleaded with her. After, I think she’d send me away from everyone and shun me. I omitted this next part but my brother(21) told me she had this stupid table tennis object she used too and wrote my name on it in bold and hung it on her wall for me to stare at perpetually, my grandma had one aswell but I only remembered that part I didn’t know my mother did too. I guess im sensitive, but my entire being’s always felt ‘off’ or just violated by this even if it wasn’t meant how I took it.

And I never ever saw her hurt my brother the way she did me (he confirmed she didn’t) so I hated all of them. I felt they legitimately wanted me specifically to die because of this. I talked to my brother about it when it came up more recently and even he claimed what she did wasn’t normal and he seemed concerned about how much I didn’t remember about it, he said I was a rough kid but I never deserved that. It shouldn't be a big deal since it’s been a few years, I’ve become a better person but it lowk ruined my mental health for most of my life and I just never felt safe or loved at home, like little me tried to lay in the street and get hit by a car and shit so I didn’t have to be punished that way again during times my brother threatened to tell her something. When that didn’t bode well I got affiliated with older people who had bad intentions, like my groomer/s who actually did sexually abuse me, so I could feel more loved or hurt, just better about myself in any capacity cuz they didn’t have high standards to love me. I felt worlds more comforted with them. I still do when I think about it.

I was averse to people touching me for years because it felt like touch physically burned me. Being intimate with others in general, honesty and expressing emotions has always been excruciatingly hard for me, it's so much more natural to suppress them, and I just despised her, especially even the slightest brush against me. This extended to things like anyone saying my name. It grated on my ears because of the way she called it, which is part of why I hate my deadname so much. My anger and shame and despair over everything was just left to fester.

I think the physical stuff stopped after I turned 12 but it was too late. I was already so so aggressive, the soul was pretty much sucked out of my corpse. I've felt like a dead guy walking for most of my years. I would homicidally ideate about killing her (I would never!!). all my friends who’ve known me before online school have been hit by me in some capacity. One kid, I feel so bad about him but he threw this frisby in my direction and it happened to hit me, and when he laughed it set me off so I genuinely beat him with the frisby till he was crying. and I was laughing until i got horrified by what I just did enough to try to take it back. I knew that I had scarred him in a way I had no right. Some kids at my school were truly scared of me and I felt better when they were scared cuz I could act like I was someone big and bad with a kind of control or power when I really wasn’t powerful at all. When I used to talk about being an awful person that was what I meant.

And I’ve had such conflicting urges toward what she did . When she finally stopped I found myself wishing she picked it back up again because I liked the sensations my thoughts accustomed to the spankings/feeling. I’m asexual and being harmed has been the only thing that can make me feel any sort of arousal now, and through that is the only way I’ve been able to manage my emotions about it. It’s developed into weird sexual fantasies about people hurting me in so many ways which have been impacting my ability to function normally since I was 12. im really masochistic now, always wanting to be hurt further whether through using SH or other people and ill be willing to put myself at risk as a consequence. I assume this might have been the cause of my history of violent/taboo sexual addictions when I was wayyy too young to even understand their impact. it wasnt good.

Furthermore, all this is kindve the reason our relationship is fractured in my eyes even though she’s really not doing anything wrong anymore. you can tell she’s a good mom and she’s trying her best as I’ve tried my best with all my might to forget but it’s so hard to act like that didnt happen and that I’m not broken and that being broken hasn't ruined most of my life. I’ve tried to talk about it with her in the past but she vehemently denied it and mocked me. it’s truly cemented that I’ve been hung up all these years over nothing and I don’t know why it won’t go away.

It’s not fair for me to hold this unrelenting animosity toward her sometimes but I’ve been miserable and it shows. maybe im just looking to point fingers for why I’m so fucked up but my heads making sooo much racket all the time I really wish it didn’t have to be like this and I didn’t have to be like this. There will never be a guy that hates his essence more than I do. I’ve tried to change from this, to stay happy and love everyone as much as I can. they call me sunshine, but everytime I get some time alone to think I’m just reminded how much I can’t live with myself, and im trying to hold on so tight and move on and be the brightest but I feel like my light only gets dimmer the longer I keep pushing. I wish i stayed in that half dead stupor sometimes because now that I’m alive again everything hurts sooo much I’m always pushed over the edge by one thing or another. But sincerely thank you for listening if you took the time to read this far, use me as an example NOT to spank your kids qwq

Summary: the reactions I had to spanking and the effects on my mental health have seemed disproportionately disturbing compared to the experience most people describe so lightly, I seemed to take it as something sexually violating and ruining, has anyone else felt the same about theirs or had similar experiences?

Every morning, I wake up with the same thoughts swirling around in my mind. I drag myself out of bed, caught in the battle between wanting to feel good about myself and being overwhelmed by a sense of inadequacy. I walk to the bathroom, avoid looking in the mirror, afraid that this reflection will echo the familiar voice doubting me—“You don’t fit into those jeans anymore, do you?” “How did you end up here?” I know I’m not technically “overweight” according to the BMI charts or what society deems as the standard, but God, do I feel heavy. It seems every little thing weighs me down. I don’t understand; I eat relatively well, have an exercise routine, and yet my mind still holds onto the narrative that I’m not enough, that I’m not the fit and vibrant version of myself that I used to be.

The kicker? Social media. I scroll through impossibly perfect images of other women who seem to have it all figured out—gorgeous outfits, flawless skin, flawless abs. Meanwhile, I’m over here in sweatpants, scrolling through my feed at 11 p.m., munching on a bag of chips. I know rationally that these posts don't reflect reality, but I can't help but measure myself against them. Every “like” I didn’t get feels like a reminder that I’m somehow less desirable or less worthy. Sometimes, I find myself wondering, do other women feel this way? Am I alone in thinking I should look like that, feeling this constant sense of dissatisfaction with my appearance? It’s exhausting. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but the feeling keeps creeping back in—an unwelcome visitor that never really leaves. In those quiet moments before sleep tugs me under, I find myself asking, why do I feel fat? Am I simply a victim of society's skewed standards, or is this really about something deeper within me?

im so sick of feeling this way all the time. like evry day i wake up n theres this tight feelin in my chest like somethings gonna go wrong. i cant even remember the last time i felt calm or normal, its jus anxious anxious anxious all day long. its not jus anxiety either tho, im angry all the time too. like little things set me off, stuff that shouldnt even matter makes me so mad i could scream. n then i feel guilty for bein angry at ppl who probly dont even kno wat they did. its like theres somethin broken in my head n i cant fix it no matter wat i do.

school used to be alright but now its the worst. i cant concentrate in class, i jus sit there worryin bout stuff i cant control. if the teacher calls on me, i panic, like my mind goes totally blank n i feel like everyones starin at me thinkin im stupid. then when class ends i get angry at myself for not tryin harder, for bein weak, for lettin anxiety win again. i kno i need to calm down but tellin myself that jus makes me even more angry. i jus wanna be normal. i jus wanna not feel like im constantly gonna explode or cry or both at the same time.

my friends r startin to notice too i think. like they ask me whats wrong n i dont even kno wat to tell them. how do u say "im jus anxious n angry all the time for no reason" without soundin crazy?? so instead i jus say "im fine" even tho we all kno im not. n sometimes they say stuff like "just chill" or "u gotta relax" n it makes me mad cuz dont they kno if i could jus chill i would?? they dont get it. nobody gets it. its like im alone even when im wit ppl. n then im mad at myself for bein lonely too, like why cant i jus be grateful i even hav friends who care enough to ask.

i kno i probly need help but i dont even kno where to start. talkin to my parents feels impossible cuz they jus say stuff like "its jus a phase" or "stop bein dramatic." but wat if its not jus a phase? wat if im stuck feelin anxious n angry forever? i dunno how much longer i can keep pretendin everythings ok when its rlly not. im jus tired, like rlly tired. tired of feelin this way n tired of fightin wit myself all the time. i jus wish someone could understand how hard it is, how it feels like im losin myself a little bit every single day.

Ok so currently on my second yr of highschool and idk man 😭 like I kinda want to take a gap yr after graduation to just work but like everyone’s saying stuff about the job market, like just imagine how it may be 1-2yrs from now. And I barely have experience 💔 and with post secondary school, IDONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO THERE ICL. I was kinda thinking of freelance graphic designer (specifically like notes/book designs) but like whst if ai takes over, and rn my digital designs aren’t really good:( well I do remember seeing smt like if it’s like physical ai isn’t taking it but what r some physical jobs that aren’t male- dominated. Ok so again about post secondary like WHAT IS SAFE OUT THERE??? Honestly coporate jobs sound nice can someone get into it w/o a degree?? What other careers can u do w/o a degreeeee??

you know, I've been cruising around on this application a lot, and I've seen tons of folks saying "this too shall pass," but honestly, I don't 100% get it, like, is it some existential thing or just a fancy phrase to throw around when stuff hits the fan? 🤔 I've seen it on different threads, and it's like an invisible hand trying to pat people on the back when they're down, but does it really work that way? it makes me think: is there a magic moment when you know things are finally over, like some official "passing" ceremony? It's a bit funny, isn't it? when stuff is bad, we kind of hold onto this phrase like it's gonna save the day or something. but then again, when things are good, we're all hoping they don't "pass" like the good times should just hang around forever. It's like needing assurances that bad times are temporary while secretly praying the good stuff stays put. 🙃 Then again, I remember someone said "these too shall pass" while quoting that ancient king who wanted a phrase that'd put things into perspective irrespective of a situation; isn't it wild how something from way back then is like, still relevant now? Our great-grandparents probably even used that line, and now here we are, borrowing from their wisdom. So, maybe it's not about timing but how we perceive situations and hold onto hope; or, is it more about prepping ourselves to ride the ups and downs without freaking the heck out?

In a day-to-day setting, it's helpful in giving people assurance and making them feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but with a seemingly perpetual cycle of passing and waiting for new days or events to occur, how do you stay grounded? sometimes I wonder if it's the world's way of saying also "hey, don't get too comfy," like a gentle nudge that life's dynamic and unpredictable, and that maybe no state of being is set in stone. And then, there are those people who casually drop "this too shall pass" as if they've got some golden master-key for all life's locks, and it makes me chuckle 'cause it's like, no one actually has the entire rule book for surviving life's storms, right? It's like we're all kindergartners in the grand school of life. Plus, the word "pass" sounds so passive and laid-back, almost like we're waiting for a magical transformation that requires no active participation, which is kind of comforting yet peculiar at the same time. Perhaps needing a phrase or philosophy that just sits with you on rough days without leaving a mark can be a strong enough testament to its value. "this too shall pass," even if not instantly comprehensible in its entirety, may indeed hold the soothing balm of enduring hope bundled in mere words, like a lifeline extended through time; and, wouldn't it be crazy if understanding its meaning was less about comprehension and more about how it feels? Seriously, stick those words somewhere prominent and let time scribe their meaning onto your soul with experience. just curious though: how do you guys see it? does it resonate like a silent companion during tough times, or does it all just seem overrated and blown out of proportion, in your opinion? 🤔 because sharing these phrases, seeking clarity, and expanding our grasp could be the start of untangling the threads of such enigmatic maxims. anyways, take care and good luck with the unraveling of life's chaos.

i feel like im losing my mind. ive been thinking about this guy constantly for a while even though ive never met him? i havent texted him in nearly a year after he told me he thinks im too young for him but i cant get him off my mind, i just want to meet him. worst part is im already seeing someone whos great and i feel so awful thinking about someone i dont even know! what do i do?!

so a little update. I just found out that the best friend works only a few minutes away from me and he got this job after I moved out and he has to drive probably 30 minutes to work from where he lives. and another weird thing about it is that he has to drive directly past my neighborhood to get to work and I'm wondering if he did this on purpose or it's just some really weird coincidence beings as he had a bunch of other places he could have worked at closer to his house. this is probably the farthest Dollar tree he can work at compared to the many that are directly next to his house and so I'm wondering what I should do to prevent him from coming to the house. I'm scared that he's going to come to the house and do something once I report him and I don't know if he got this job as a way to get to me or what. what is your guys's best advice on what to do? I do have cameras outside and I'm going to check them to see if he's driven past my house because he does know where I live

Okay so basically, I live in the same estate as this girl who goes to my school and she's 1 year older than me, lets call her Y. we only became friends recently and we've also started carpooling to school. I also have this other friend, E who also lives in the estate, Y, E, and me are a trio. there's also 3 other people in our friend group, but they dont go outside as much so it's mostly just my trio.

Theres this thing in our estate that is kind of a shelter for the rain, and somehow E figured out how to climb up on it. eventually, everyone except me knew how to climb up on it. this thing was pretty tall, and im super scared of heights, so I never went up on it. I would always feel super left out when they climbed up on it, and they would never acknowledge me when they were up together.

sometime I got the guts to climb up onto it and I succeeded, only thing was I didnt know how to get down, but I figured that out too after a bit of help. unfortunately, I started forgetting how to climb down, so I never went up on it again after they had to get my dad to get me down.

one day, it's a hot summer day on a Sunday and were all hanging out, then they all go up onto the thing and tell me that if I can tag them, they'll give me €40, I obviously didn't like this game very much since it made me feel like they were making fun of me for not being able to get up. so then I felt that I was going to cry, so I went over to E's bike and started going around the estate on it so they wouldn't see me. (E gave me permission to use it btw) after I got back they started whispering, saying that I look kind of sad, and I hate looking sad infront of my friends bc it makes me feel pathetic, so I told them that I was fine. at that point I was on the verge of tears, so I went another lap on the bike. once I got back, I had finally calmed down and I saw that E and Y had gotten off of the thing, and when was about to go over to them, they ran away from me. so then everything came back all at once so I did another lap around the estate and went to the estate playground and left my friends bike there, bc I saw my friends. so then I went into another estate, and they followed me. I ran away from them bc I knew I would cry if I went up to them. soon enough, they went back to the estate. after a few mins of hiding I did the same, and I saw them going into the other estate (to search for me i guess) they didn't see me though.

Then i saw E's mom walking over to me asking where E went, and I pointed to the other estate. When E and Y came back with E's mom they went straight back to their houses.

when i went home I texted Y on discord and I told her that i was sorry for overreacting. I didn't expect much from her, but I expected a little sorry. she said "ya we got into trouble cuz we were worried abt you". we did make up the next day, but i thought of that message for so long.

fast forward to Tuesday, we're playing a game on the fake grass, where we have to take off everyone's socks. Y and E hit my boob while taking off my socks. I felt myself start crying, but then I realised how pathetic I looked, so I replaced the pain with anger and hit Y in the boob. while I was trying to hit Emma in the boob she fell on her back, that was when I should've stopped, but I didn't. I hit her in the boob. she was crying, and she went back inside, I didn't get a chance to say sorry to her.

I wish that I would've done something different in that situation, I wish that I would've just finally opened up for once. the next day was my last day until I was going on holidays. Y said sorry to me at school, and I asked her if she could say sorry to E for me since they had tennis together, she told me to do it myself, I couldn't bring myself to knock on her door, not after what I did. Now I'm gone on holidays for the next 2 months, and I won't be able to talk to Y at school, bc she has transition year. the only text that Y has sent me was "hope you have a fun time in hungary!" and that was 6 days ago. I don't know what to text her. shes also gone on holidays so she can't tell E that im sorry.

I just feel like such a coward and a bad friend.

(pls tell me what to text Y in the comments)

[IMPORTANT NOTE: I AM TRANSGENDER]

ok so basically, I'm going to high school next year. my 2 closest friends aren't coming with me, and they've really been the only ones defending me when someone was dead naming or misgendering me. and I'm just really scared that next year I wont be Bowie to anyone. I'll never be seen for who I am.