Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Hi, it's me again, X, here with another vent.

I've been boggled by the news lately about this universal Comprehensive Sexuality Education (CSE) that's becoming a worldwide standard. In the Philippines, the Senate is now discussing the Anti-Teenage Pregnancy Bill, which suggests that CSE would be taught to students. What's more concerning is the claim that they're considering teaching masturbation to children as young as 0-4 years old.

I mean, maybe it's just me, but I grew up preserving traditions and religion, and for me, isn't this just so wrong to do? I understand the importance of educating the youth, but introducing such topics at such a tender age feels inappropriate.

Moreover, I believe that to prevent children from engaging in sexual activities at a very young age, we should limit their exposure to such topics in the first place. Teaching them about masturbation and the pleasures of sex seems counterproductive. Instead of reducing teenage pregnancies, this might encourage them to experiment more.

Why not implement laws that hold parents accountable for their children's actions? Providing explicit knowledge and exposure to children seems like we're tolerating, if not encouraging, them to engage in such activities. If they were more aware of the consequences, perhaps they would think twice before acting.

Again, this is just me. I'm not into politics; I'm just thinking of humane ways to deal with these kinds of topics.

Can a therapist count as a life coach ? Maybe, I don't know. I figured it's a close thing, so I tagged it like this. Do tell me if I'm wrong though ^^'.

Anyway, I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now, and I don't know how to feel about them. I've been telling them my issues with my mom and stepdad and how they've treated me since childhood. Here's a list of some things that I mentioned in therapy without the heavier stuff :

- Criticism over my looks, behavior and scholarly achievements

- Yelling at me over the most minute thing ( ex : me wearing sweatpants in summer as a teenager )

- Wanting to act as if everything's fine after an argument

- The cycle of basically everything's fine for a period of time, but then they find something to be angry about whatever I'm doing

- My parents not listening to me and minimizing when I'm trying to bring up my concerns

- Things that involve my mom not really holding men that touched me innapropriately in the family accountable ( which includes my stepdad )

There are some things that I haven't told my therapist, and in all honesty, I think I already gave an idea of where my grievances lie. I'm not going to say what exactly happened, because I feel I can talk all day about those, and I don't want the post to be too heavy. Here's the thing though, I've told my parents in an admittedly harsh way that the moment I have enough money, I'm moving out, and I'm going to cut contact with them. I've also told that to my therapist, as well as me being angry and tired of the cycle that's been going on since I was a kid. There was a part of me that was a little vindictive towards my parents (still am a bit, but less as time goes on), but I ultimately want them to leave me alone. Where I don't know how to feel about that therapist is, I told them about all of this, and they consider me keeping my distance with my parents to be me acting like a teenager having a rebellious phase, and that me not talking much to my parents was actually hurting me (despite me having already brought up one of these points up above). That's because I always cry whenever I talk about how my parents' actions towards me affected me. I don't think me distancing myself from them is what's actually hurting me though, it's the memory of all the hurt I felt that's making me cry and their mere presence. Maybe I'm just in my feelings and I'm overthinking and even being a bit dramatic, but ever since I had my first appointment with that therapist, they reminded me of my parents in the sense of minimizing something that felt pretty chaotic to me for multiple years. They even asked me "apart from [insert grievances], what did they do ?", and it felt like they weren't taking the "less impactful" stuff seriously, all because they weren't as significant as me getting touched innaproprietely or something violent.

I am aware I have my shortcomings, so do tell me where they lay. I might bring my concern to my therapist next week (though I'm scared of what they might say). I hope you have a good day/night, and I'll see you soon <3

i been askin myself this like everyday lately, why don't i have friends? it’s not like i’m mean or rude or anything. i try to be nice to ppl, i smile when i walk past them, i even try to jump into conversations sometimes but it’s like nobody really notices me. everyone at school got their group, their ppl they laugh with, eat lunch with, hangout after classes and here i am, sittin by myself most days. sometimes i pretend like i’m busy on my phone or i’ll act like i’m studyin so it don’t look so sad but fr it hurts. i see kids i grew up with, ppl who used to come over my house when we were little, now act like i don’t even exist. and idk what changed. maybe it’s me. maybe i got boring or weird or somethin and nobody wanted to tell me.

i keep thinkin about what i’m doin wrong. maybe i dont dress cool enough, maybe i say dumb stuff without meanin to. or maybe i’m just not interesting. i dont have crazy stories to tell or a million tiktoks to share like other kids. i mostly just stay home, play video games, watch youtube. nd when i do try to talk, it’s like the convo just dies. like i don’t kno what to say to keep it goin. nd when i do get invited to stuff (which is like once in a blue moon) i get so nervous i end up makin an excuse not to go. like what if i go and it’s awkward? what if they laugh at me or just ignore me the whole time? it's easier to just stay home sometimes but then i’m just stuck wonderin why i’m alone again. it’s a stupid cycle and i hate it.

social media makes it worse too. everybody postin pics with their friends at parties, games, whatever. group selfies, funny videos, inside jokes i’m not part of. i try to not let it get to me but it does. it makes me feel like there’s somethin wrong with me. like im broken or somethin. nd the more lonely i feel, the harder it gets to even try anymore. some days i tell myself i dont need friends, like whatever i’m fine on my own. but then i'll hear ppl laughin in the hallway or see a group hangin out and it hits me all over again. humans are supposed to have people, right? nd i dont. not really. just me and my stupid thoughts tryna convince myself it’s not a big deal when deep down it is.

i dunno if it’ll always be like this. maybe when i get older i’ll meet ppl who get me. or maybe i gotta change somethin about myself first, i really don’t kno. all i kno is right now, it sucks. it’s like standing in the middle of a crowd screamin inside but nobody even looks your way. i wish makin friends was as easy as it looks in movies, like u just bump into someone and boom, besties for life. but in real life, it’s messy and hard and sometimes it don’t happen at all. nd im just tryin to hold on to hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s ppl out there who’d wanna know me too. i just gotta find em. someday. i hope.

any advices guys???

I’m 25, a guy, and I only recently got my first real IT job, like actual badge, actual standups, actual tickets, actual “can you jump on a quick call?” stuff. I should feel lucky, and I do, but I also feel weirdly on edge all the time becuase of AI. Every week there’s some new post, some “thought leader,” some dude on LinkedIn saying junior devs are cooked, help desks are done, entry level is dead, learn ten tools by friday or get left behind!! It gets in my head bad. I’ll be fixing a small bug or writing docs and then suddenly I’m thinking, wow, a bot could probably do half of this faster than me??? Then I spiral and start looking at job boards, salary threads, videos, and “the future of work” takes at 1 a.m. like that is somehow helping. It isn’t. It just makes me more tired and more jumpy at work the next day. One of the seniors told me, “AI is a tool, not your replacement, unless you stop learning,” and that helped for like two hours. Then my brain went right back to, okay but what if he’s just trying to be nice?? I know fear can be useful in small doses. It can push you to learn. I’ve used it to study more, ask better questions, and stop pretending I know stuff I don’t know. But too much fear is just noise. It makes me check Slack like I’m waiting for a breakup text. It makes every small mistake feel like proof I’m done for. Last month I messed up a config in a test env and nothing major happened, but my hands were legit shaking. My manager was chill about it, said “that’s why we have review,” and moved on. I did not move on!!! I was still replaying it in my head on the train home, thinking, great, first I make mistakes, then AI gets better, then I’m gone. That’s what I mean by caring too much. Not caring in a healthy way. Caring in a “my chest feels tight over a Jira ticket” way. And I keep asking myself, how do normal people not let this stuff eat them alive? Do you ever feel embarrased by how much your brain can turn one small worry into a whole fake disaster??? I try to be polite, do my work, learn fast, and not complain too much. I’m not anti-AI either. Some of it is honestly useful. It helps me understand code quicker, summarize logs, and get unstuck. But the same thing helping me also scares me, and that contradiction is frying me a bit 😅

What I’m trying now is maybe less “how do I stop caring” and more “how do I care the normal amount??” Maybe that’s the real question. Becuase zero care would be dumb. I don’t want to coast and wake up obsolete in two years. But max care is also dumb. It turns life into this constant background panic where even a decent day feels fake, like doom is just loading in the background. A friend of mine, not in tech, said something simple: “you are borrowing stress from a future that has not invoiced you yet.” Corny?? Yeah, a little. But also true. I noticed the days I feel least insane are the boring days. I do my tasks. I write down what I learned. I ask one good question. I log off. I cook something basic. I go outside. I stop reading “AI will replace everyone!!!” posts written by people who make money from saying wild stuff!!! That part matters alot. The internet rewards certainty, and the truth is nobody fully knows how this plays out. Some jobs will change hard. Some roles will shrink. Some new ones will pop up. A lot of regular work will probably become “use tools well and check the output.” That sounds more realistic to me than either extreme. I also try to remember what companies still need: someone reliable, someone calm, someone who can talk to humans, notice context, own mistakes, and keep learning. Bots can generate, sure. But workplaces are messy. People are messy. Systems are messy. There is still value in a person who can sit in the mess and not make it worse; I’m trying to believe that counts for something. My personal opinion is that fear should be a signal, not a lifestyle. Learn the tools. Keep your basics strong. Save a bit of money if you can. Be kind to coworkers. Touch grass, seriously. And maybe stop treating every headline like prophecy??? I’m saying this to myself as much as anyone reading. If you’re in the same spot, how do you stop doom-thinking all day?? Do you set limits, mute certain words, talk to people, pray, work out, what?? I’d really like to know, because I’m tired of giving so much emotional energy to a future that may not even happen the way I picture it. I want to keep caring, just less wildly, less personally, less like every update in tech is a direct threat to my right to exist. That seems fair, right???

My fiancé and I are about to tie the knot, and we’re eagerly counting down the days. Here’s some background info: my parents divorced about 4 or 5 years ago, and my mom has remained bitter ever since. She hasn’t been supportive of my engagement, often voicing her opinion that I’m making a mistake because she doesn’t see the value in my fiancé. Despite him living here for the past two years (we were long-distance for five), she’s never made an effort to get to know him and treats him like a stranger. In contrast, my dad and his wife, who’ve been married almost two years, have been incredibly welcoming and consider him part of the family.

We knew we’d likely be paying for our wedding ourselves and were fine with that. I did ask my mom if she’d like to help, without any obligation, but she wasn’t interested. Beyond that, she’s furious that I’ve asked her to share the spotlight with my stepmom during the mother of the bride walk. She insists that my stepmom isn’t my real mother, but my stepmom has been more present in my life over the past six years than my bio mom ever has. Additionally, I’ve included my half-sister from my dad’s side in the wedding because she’s important to me and around the same age as my fiancé’s groomsman. Meanwhile, my half-sister from my mom’s side, who has a history of causing trouble and being unkind, isn’t invited as a bridesmaid.

My mom has “jokingly” threatened not to attend the wedding to show me how it feels to have my feelings hurt. She’s been disrespectful and wants nothing to do with the wedding besides the mother of the bride walk. She claims I’m inviting her out of pity, not because she’s my mother. It’s my day, and I want a relaxed wedding. I feel justified in being a little selfish to avoid problems her daughter might cause. If my mom’s absence ends our relationship, I wouldn’t mind. Am I in the wrong here?

I also wonder how all of this would play out if we were on a reality show. Can you imagine the drama and reactions from viewers? It would be a spectacle for sure!

Tw grooming and suicide

I (15 almost 16) am in a perpetual self imposed hell. my abuser (20 almost 21) showed back up after months of completely abandoning me and you know, I thought that would make me feel better because wow. They kept their promise, they didn’t lie and leave me with this gaping hole in my chest. not really. The months they left were hell, my intrusive thoughts about being groomed quite literally crippled me to the point I commit suicide, got landed in the psychward for a while, and could not return to a normal headspace. I don’t know if i can say it’s worse but it’s not better, well that’s a lie. It’s better in the sense that I feel more normal to know they’re around, suddenly overwhelming intensity of the intrusive thoughts are gone. There’s the illusion that im okay. But now im even more dependent on them than before, while they were away I decided if I got a second chance I would do or give anything to keep them, to the point I’d ditch all my friends and family if they decided they actually loved me again. Currently, as further proof of how serious I am im cheating on my partner (15) for them, and I know I should give my all to someone who actually cares about me, I truly don’t deserve my partner but it feels fundamentally wrong to date anyone who isn’t hurting me. Maybe im just not meant for it. I’m planning to break up with my partner soon because I don’t want to betray them further while parasitically zapping all of their goodwill, but I can’t tell what the right way to do it is. I’m selfishly holding on.

It hurts me so much that I let you do all that shit to me and yet i still feel so disposable to you . Maybe thats how I’ll make my partner feel if they find out about all this shit, and then I’ll really be like my abuser. Am I not doing enough? I try to be interesting and suck up to your every whim, im different than when you left me. im entirely devoted to you, I try to give you space even though it feels like death. Maybe I should be more grateful you’re giving me the time of day at all. Be that 1-3 messages on average. Since we’re both a mistake of human beings this should suffice. Still, everytime you’re cold or short with me I feel so worthless I could genuinely die, I want to. I know you’re tired, I know you’re depressed and can’t talk much but everytime you take hours to respond to me at all I feel like falling deeper into this shitty cycle of shitty people and I know damn well there’s no way I can live a normal life again after this, and I can’t help but doubt the fact that you love me at all. If you leave me I know I’ll have to kill myself, cuz then there’ll be nothing else left to stop my intrusive thoughts from torturing me. I’m so disgustingly miserable it’s insane.

so, here's the thing, my brother and i have this classic sibling rivalry that honestly feels like it's straight out of every cliche sitcom ever. he's got this knack for tearing down whatever small accomplishments i manage to muster, and then somehow, he flips the whole scenario around like he's doing some circus trick. it's kinda like "hey, there buddy, i was just being tough on you to make you stronger"...when in fact, his words just sting, you know? 🤷‍♂️ i mean, we've all been there, trying to find that delicate balance between accepting sibling criticism as "constructive" and realizing it's just mean-spirited jabs dipped in sarcasm. sometimes i wonder if he's ever taken the time to be a bit more gentle with his words, especially knowing that i'm, well, still figuring things out.

let's paint a more clear picture; it's sunday brunch... our family tradition, right? the plan's always like, grab a plate and spill some tea. today, however, just as i'm reminiscing with my folks about how well my recent soccer game went, the guy leans back, smirking, and tosses in this zinger, "yeah, if only the other team had scored as much as your footprints on the field, maybe they'd have bought you lunch!" sure, maybe it sounds amusing, but there's always this underlying tone that transcends playful banter into the realm of something a bit harsher. ever hear the theory that siblings push buttons no one else knows exist? that's us in a nutshell, except he seems to have installed a new set of buttons altogether! why is it so difficult for him to understand the concept of cheerleading instead of constantly acting like a comedian at my expense?

still, amidst all this chaos, i've decided not just to endure but to try and redefine our dynamic. instead of falling into the pitfall of dramatics, i figured, why not spin his antics positively, kind of like killing him with kindness, as they say. maybe i could even subtly emulate the ancient stoic practice; you know, focusing on controlling my reaction to his remarks rather than expecting his behavior to change overnight. and, who knows? maybe one day, he'll realize that sometimes, the loudest applause for a sibling is a quiet word of support rather than a clever quip. ever feel like you’re in a one-way sibling telepathy session? 'cause i sure do, always hoping for that lightbulb moment. perhaps there's a book or a podcast out there? like "sibling diplomacy: a guide to cultivating camaraderie?" i'm game for suggestions if anyone's got them!..

Literally whenever i try to comfort anybody they never respond or they just say something totally unrelated, which i dont mind but i wanna see someone happy, i wanna save someone, not for any selfish reasons, because it makes me happy when others are happy. (A picture of Kanade fades in/j)

I honestly don’t know how to even start this but I’ll just try and let it out. So I’m 19 and I’m in my first ever real relationship with a guy (and... I am a guy too). I didn’t plan on it or whatever, it just happened and I thought it was gonna be this amazing thing, like everything would fall into place. And at first, it kinda felt that way, I guess. He made me feel seen in ways that girls never really did. Not saying girls were bad or something, it just always felt like something was missing and then when he came along, it felt like maybe that missing piece showed up. But now I’m here and I’m realizing I love him but I don’t think I love him enough to make this work. And that sucks so bad. Like, what even is “enough love”? How do you measure that? All I know is I feel like I’m constantly trying to make things feel right and they just never do.

He’s got this energy that’s just… different. Not just different from mine, I mean opposite. Like oil and water type deal. He’s loud and sarcastic and super confident in a way that sometimes makes me feel invisible or like I’m just tagging along. I’m quieter, more chill, and I don’t like all the fighting and teasing. He says I’m “too sensitive” but I don’t think that’s fair. Like yeah maybe I take things to heart but that doesn’t mean he gets to walk all over my feelings. The other night he joked in front of his friends that I’m boring and even if he said “he was just messing,” it stayed in my head for days. That kinda stuff isn’t cool to me. I told him it hurt and he just laughed and said I was being dramatic. Is that how someone’s supposed to care about you? Like seriously?

And then there’s the part of me that feels like I’m the bad one for thinking of leaving. Like, what if I never find someone again? What if this is just how it’s supposed to feel? Maybe all relationships are just about learning to deal with stuff and I’m just being selfish. But isn’t it also true that being in love should make you feel safe and supported? I’m tired of always second-guessing myself. Every time I bring up something that bothers me, he flips it on me or makes me feel guilty like I’m making things up. I’ve caught myself keeping quiet just to avoid fights. That’s not healthy, right? But then again, maybe I’m overthinking things and being picky? I mean this is my first time in something like this… maybe I just suck at relationships.

So yeah. I’m stuck. I care about him a lot, and I don’t want to hurt him, but I also feel like I’m slowly losing parts of myself trying to keep him happy. I don’t feel like he truly sees me anymore. I feel more like a background character in his life than a boyfriend. I don’t want to be someone who stays in something just because they’re scared to leave. But I also don’t want to walk away too fast and regret it. If you’ve been in this kinda situation before, what did you do? How do you know when it’s really time to break up with someone? How do you stop loving someone who isn’t really right for you?

Hello. I just been wanting to get a lot of stuff of my chest lately. Not much people I can talk to about. Actually, none.

I envy a lot of people. People who have their life together, people who are able to express theirselves freely, people who are productive. People. I cant seem to be the best version of myself. How hard I try. To put it short, I am a lazy, priviliged, selfish person. I put a mask on to fit in society, maybe to feel properly loved. It seems even they dont want my mask. I wanna give up. Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to fit in, to be myself, to bask in freedom? I know my cries are meaningless. Other people have it worse, anyway.

Life... Isnt the way I pictured it to be. I dont want to be this person anymore. Why should it be so hard? Why cant I be a better person? Im just a piece of trash on the sidewalk.

It’s hard to explain to people without sounding dramatic. From the outside, everything probably looks fine. We’ve been married for eight years, we don’t fight often, we keep the house clean, pay our bills on time, and take care of the kids. But behind all that routine is this empty space between us that keeps getting wider. He’s here, but he’s not really here. My husband is emotionally unavailable, and it feels like I’m married to a shadow. When something upsets me, he doesn’t ask questions. He doesn’t comfort. He just nods or says “Sorry you feel that way,” and moves on like I didn’t just open uup my chest and hand him my heart. I’ve learned to stop expecting warmth. I’ve learned to cry quietly in the bathroom so I don’t make him uncomfortable. And that’s the part that breaks me—how me feeling something seems to bother him more than it bothers me.

I didn’t always notice it this deeply. In the beginning, it was just little things—him brushing off serious conversations, or giving one-word answers when I tried to connect. But back then, I thought maybe he just needed time, that maybe it was hard for him to express himself. He had a rough childhood, he never really saw healthy communication growing up, and I gave him grace for that. Maybe too much grace. I thought love would soften him. I thought my patience would eventually make him feel safe enough to open up. But years passed, and I realized I was building a bridge alone, with no one walking toward me on the other side. Every time I tried to talk about our lack of emotional closeness, he’d say, “I don’t know what you want me to do.” As if connection was a task, and not a part of being in love. I’ve begged for something deeper, and all I get is distance in return.

Now I just feel tired. I feel lonely in a house with someone who promised to be my partner. I scroll through my phone, seeing couples who laugh together, cry together, talk—and I feel like I’m watching life happen from a glass window. I envy people who feel seen. I try to bring it up sometimes, gently, hoping something clicks, but it never does. He shuts down, gets quiet, or changes the subject. I’m not asking for grand romantic speeches or poetry—I just want him to notice me. To feel with me. But it’s like there’s a wall I can’t break, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep knocking. I still love him, but I don’t feel loved in return. And I wonder, often, if this is all marriage will ever be—doing life together, but never really together.

It’s been six months since I lost him; my fiancé, my rock, my future. Some days, it feels like just yesterday that we were planning our wedding, picking out flowers, and arguing about seating arrangements—something so trivial now, right? Ever since that fateful evening when his car collided with that reckless driver, I’ve found myself this lost soul wandering through life, searching for fragments of happiness. I remember the way his laughter lit up the room, and how he always had this way of pulling me into his hugs that made everything else fade away. Now, those memories, like knives, cut deep and leave me aching. I try to fill my days with distraction, pouring time into work and waiting for the hours to pass, but no matter how busy I keep myself, there’s this hollow pit in my chest that seems impossible to fill. I mean, how do you even begin to find happiness again when the person you thought you’d share your life with is gone forever? I guess I’m just wandering in this grey space, regretting the future that will never be but also attempting to find these little glimmers of joy—like when I hear a song he loved or see a couple laughing together, and it kinda makes my heart squeeze just a bit, but then it's followed by this wave of nostalgia that I can’t shake off.

But here’s the thing—amidst all this confusion, I have this flicker of hope! I’ve started to think that maybe happiness isn’t a lost cause. I mean, who says I can’t find a way to smile again? I’ve been leaning into all those little things—like the scent of fresh coffee in the morning or how the sun hits the trees just right at dusk. I even signed up for a pottery class, which feels ridiculous at times because I totally suck at it, but it’s exhilarating to be doing something totally new and messy; it reminds me that life can be imperfect and still beautiful. I mean, am I asking too much? Just to feel that simple joy again? It’s a climb, and sometimes it feels like I’m on this never-ending uphill battle, but I’m learning to embrace the process. I read somewhere that healing isn’t linear, and I’m starting to accept that it’s okay to have days when I feel like crying or days when I feel like laughing uncontrollably. Every moment is a step, whether it’s forward or backward. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever truly feel ‘normal’ again, but here’s hoping that, one day, I’ll wake up and feel a little less burdened, a little lighter; maybe, just maybe, the sun will shine a bit brighter on my path ahead, and I’ll find that whimsical joy again!

Id like to start with saying im 17 and female. I met my best friend in freshman year of high school, she was awesome, and throughout the years became even more awesome. Shes truly the most beautiful, kind and supportive human alive. Except we have had a very rocky friendship, since the begining I knew this was going to be a tough friendship. We bonded so fast and became close within months of knowing eachother, but this had caused me to grow extremely attached to her. I remember I used to cry myself to sleep if she responded to a text a little late, or if I found out she was hanging out with other people, it would break my heart. Needless to say, I had a very unhealthy perception of her, and she recognized that. We would argue constantly about how clingy I was and that I need to chill. It would shatter me everytime we would argue, I genuinely couldn't handle the feeling of her being upset with me, it made me feel so empty and lost. I began self harming and I had these worrying thoughts of ending my life. I didn't want to be alive but I couldn't die because then I wouldn't have her. I remember promising myself if she ever left me I would end my life. I had a constant fear of losing her. I really don't know if I was in love with her or not, I am now, but before I think I was only obsessed but that obsession lead me to fall in love with her. I was so in love. I wanted her so badly I couldn't focus on anything, I was falling apart without her. I remember crying every single night for a whole year straight, cutting and burning myself on the bathroom floor while sobbing and wishing she loved me the way I loved her. I never want to feel that pain again. Our friendship issues began seeping into my homelife, my dad noticed something was wrong with me and at the time I had an online boyfriend who was 19, at the time I was 15 and when my dad found out about my online boyfriend he was furious. He went through my phone and from there found out I had been self harming. He sat me down and told me if I was so depressed then I should light a match and burn myself in front of him. He had also found out I had been stealing marijuana from my mom. My parents are divorced and I would steal my moms drugs when I visited her, it wasn't anything serious, just marijuana and weed pens, I had also stolen a few vapes. That whole situation broke me. I had never wanted to die more than in that moment. I felt so hopeless and like nothing in the whole world could save me. The worst part is my dad took my phone for 9 months. I felt so isolated and had no way of communicating with my best friend except at school and she comforted me and let me feel all my sad feelings even though I was overwhelming her. Things stayed about the same until the end of freshman year, and once sophomore year had started I had begun to finally feel better. I could handle myself better even though I was still a wreck. My best friend continued to stay by my side. I had also began to accept my feelings for her, I loved her. I truly loved her and saw her for the beautiful person she is. But in September, I had accidently confessed to loving her. It absolutely crushed my soul when she didnt feel the same, and it killed me when she said she felt betrayed. I had hurt her and betrayed our friendship and trust. I felt so unworthy and disloyal. I hated myself and all the suicidal thoughts had came back. That day I had seriously contemplated killing myself. I couldn't. We didn't talk for about a month and when we started talking again It was like that never happened, we talked it out and everything was normal again. Things felt great for about two months. Then it was thanksgiving break and even while typing this I cant help but cry. Thanksgiving break I got a text from her. She wanted to tell me something, and she told me she loved me, and that she was so sorry. She told me that even though she loved me, she could never be with me because it was a sin to be homosexual. Instead of feeling sad I was overjoyed because she really had loved me the whole time. We texted nonstop the entire thanksgiving break, playful flirty messages, confessions about our love for one another, and everything we felt. I had told her everything, how much I loved her, I told her everything. She told me she felt the same and told me how much she loved me. Even to this day Ive never ever felt as warm. Nothing can compare to that week. But by the end of the week she had told me that despite everything she said, I cant get my hopes up because she cant be with me. She was so guilty and she felt so bad, she felt like she was leading me on. And I was so blinded by her love for me I didn't even care that she was leading me on, I didn't care one bit, I soaked up every drop of attention she gave me and craved more. She continued to give me attention and love on me for about three weeks after that. After school we would cuddle and we would sit outside and watch the sky. I went over to her house and we cuddled, I remember holding her hand and feeling her warm body so close to me, I'll never feel anything that safe and comforting again. But we knew it was doomed from the start. She told me we needed to stop, it was hurting us both. She was leading me on, and it put a huge strain on her relationship with God. It broke me, yet I was still so hopeful, I didn't listen to her, looking back I realize how selfish I was. Eventually after days of nonstop tears I had to come to terms with our reality. We couldnt be together. Its been exactly a year, our friendship is closer than ever and I have grown enormously, but I know deep inside I still love her, I love her with all my heart and no matter what happens I feel like I could never ever stop loving her. Since the moment I realized I loved her to this very day, my love for her has only grown. I don't know how to move on, I don't know if I could ever love someone as much and that scares me. I'll never meet someone who truly means EVERYTHING to me. If she died right now, I know Id be next because she is my reason for living. I don't know what to do anymore, and we talk about our love for eachother on occasion. I know she still loves me, but we can never ever encourage it because of her religious beliefs, and I would never do anything to hurt her relationship with God because I know how important that is to her. In a perfect world I know we would be together. I just wish love was easy. She is the most precious thing to me, I hold her closest to my heart always.

I still feel like Im the odd one out at college even though I've been there for 5 weeks now. I also hate college.

I feel so alone and I hate my life .

I was talking to someone from my old school on Monday and she said how was college going and I said it was going ok but only when the tutors are thire and she also said I seamed a lot happier. But I'm not any happier at college because I'm always having to fill out from about myself that they should all ready have.

(Clive)

You know exactly who you are. and who I am.

Sapphire is confused. Cartter’s just himself, but honestly worse. Bax is indifferent, they never had any particular affection for anyone they knew. Mushroom has no idea what’s happened. I’m generally indifferent, you never were anything to me. Allen locked front, he doesn’t want to deal with us anymore, but I managed to get him to let me out for a bit. Aether just doesn’t care, he was tired of everyone calling him “unc” anyway. We gained a new one, Carlos, who thinks Allen could’ve handled it better.

(Sapphire)

Clive’s right, I am kinda confused, I don’t know why Allen did this. I just hope… nevermind. Allen wouldn’t want me to say that, and neither would they, I suppose… Cartter would say something, but he’s a little angry with Allen, and trying to hide that anger. What me and Clive are trying to say is don’t be mad at ALL of us, please. This was all Allen’s decision. But… he is happy with his new friends, and glad to see that you guys seem… generally still happy without him, at least on the outside. He read all your posts, and he’s… understandably shaken (I am choosing my words SO CAREFULLY here and still failing at keeping my head cool). His exact words were, “Nothing like going through your ex’s vent posts about you… I feel like an asshole. Probably cause I am, but… y’know.”