Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Well I met her for the first time in university, we were not friends right away it took us some time to become friends and now we are best friends, let's call her Lily It's been a year or so, I don't usually trust people but I gave her a chance I still don't know why, I never had this strong feeling about her betraying me.

Lately, something happened between us but before that let me tell you what kind of friendship we have: (I have financial problems and someone spending money on me is a big deal for me but it is her love language according to her) She is from a rich family so she takes me out and pays without even asking me, there are multiple occasions I insisted on paying she did not let me, I tell her that I feel bad it feels like I am using her for money. Still, she would tell me it was fine and all I usually back out whenever she offered to go out and eat but she told me she does not have any other friends who would treat her like me, I am just honest about things and she is quite dumb when making serious decisions. Hence, she asks for my help mostly and trusts me that I won't misguide her and I try my entire best to not misguide her, I don't give her advice that she should choose this or that I just tell her that these are choices and these are their consequences if possible she decides by herself.

now there is this other friend of ours who we will call Cactus (yes I don't like him )

he is very manipulative and he likes to be the center of attention always, he wants us to treat him like royalty even when he is the one needing our help remind you this is a grown-ass adult who might be around 25 he is older than both of us by 5 to 6 years, he has this massive ego which is very fragile.

well, Lily is very easily manipulated like very easily, if you tell her she did wrong even tho she didn't she will think she did wrong. and like I said it's her love language to spend money on people around her, she used to pay for cactus's food initially later she stopped Idk why,

whenever I tell her that Cactus is making me feel left out and I don't enjoy sitting with him and all, she understands not always but usually and we both would sit separately, I don't mind sitting alone but she won't leave me, even tho in the start she was closer to cactus than with me, but she would leave with me

this made Cactus not like me(I would be ignored in group conversations and all, and he made me feel lonely ), he thinks I'm the one telling her not to sit with him, I prefer to have as few people around me as possible while cactus wants us to sit with a huge crowd like 15 to 20 people, I don't enjoy large companies nor do I tell lily to tag along with me I don't mind it because I get overwhelmed with all these people and then cactus targeting me in front of all. there are multiple occasions he blamed me for Lily's actions, lily did defend me on multiple occasions but sometimes they were not enough she does not let me get away from him she knows I prefer not to argue over little things that's why I ignore him

cactus not only targets me he also doesn't like another girl,l Rose, cactus knows about her past mistakes and all, but he also used to tell BS behind her back all the time, he is so manutiplive he made her appear like a very bad person in front of her, later on, we girls started to hang out which made both me and lily realize she is not at all like what we heard from cactus instead we got to know that he is backbiting behind every single of us with one another,

there was this scene that was the main cause of my and Lily's downfall or so I think

some other friends including Lily were studying together there came the cactus along with a friend who is a damn creep, they asked us to let them join us for studying (cactus is not at all good at studying nor does he puts effort in studying but he acts almighty like "see I didn't study properly and still cleared the course" I'm like yea sure if grace marks are considered good sure be proud of yourself)

a day before this cactus asked me if I would help me study I said yes because it would help me revise too we had this conversation fofourike 4 times in a single day and every time I told him k I would help you out when I was done with the group study, what happened was that he was constantly disturbing and was annoying, others who were studying told him not to do it I did too I was exactly yelling or screaming or anything this sort I just was telling him to stop he didn't listen, creep whisper something in his ear and they got up and went away, then I did with my study I asked him over texts that I'm free, he told me that he was there to study not anymore I said okay whatever you want,

he called Lily and told her that I was extremely rude to him in front of all the people and that I think he won't be able to study without me, and even in texts, I was rude to him.

She texted me defending him over me even tho she was present there too that I wasn't the only one telling him to shut up or go away, she didn't believe me she said yea you were rude to him especially, I was devasted I responded normally like okay we will talk about this later.

I hated that she refused to believe me over him and she knows I never refuse anyone if they want me to help them out in studying and nor do I say things like they need me to help them or else they won't have a chance, she believed him.

I overlooked this but there is a thing that happened it's not related to me or Lily, it's about Rose well cactus knows her secrets and all (I don't judge her on anything those were mistakes or simply just her choices she didn't hurt anyone with these choices)

he had told everyone about it rose is unaware that people who she thinks are her friends are always judging her every move, the creepy friend of Cactus said something so terrible about Rose in front of Lily and Cactus, Lily told him off and not to say such things while cactus was laughing

Lily told me about it, and I told Rose about it because it was so terrible, and if I were in her shoes I would want to know about their true colors too

Lily got mad at me saying that she trusted me on this, i am wrong here in that I broke Lily's trust and told Rose about it, i did it in front of Lily to avoid any misunderstanding, i apologized to Lily for this but I don't regret telling rose about his true colors rose showed us cactus's chats with her being a sweet innocent man praising her and all while telling us the exact opposite of this, later lily said something I will never forget she said "cactus talks about rose behind her back and all but he is my friend he doesn't do it behind so it does not matter to me "

I was shocked to my core, cactus tells everyone about everyone's secret even his girlfriend's and she thinks he will not do this to her

what should I do now I'm scared to leave Lily alone with him, he will do unthinkable things, and she won't even realize

but I don't want to be around him

ik I broke her trust but rose does not deserve any of this either why should she suffer just because cactus wants to look like Mr know it all

I have two friends in this story, I'll call them X and A I guess.

yesterday, X seemed to be mad at us and ignoring us (like, getting really ticked off if we even looked at something behind them). We both thought it was just because they were tired and whatnot, because they have openly said it's usually how they act when they are. But it just seemed like they straight up hated us from a lot of the (kind of petty tbh) things they did (block us from the story we were all making, stuff like that) and it kind of scared me.

both me and A are autistic (I'm more hyper aware while A has a lot more trouble with social cues than I) so sometimes we miss it when we do things that hurt our friendships and other kinds of relationships. We have to ask people what we've done wrong in order for us to find it and fix it, but a lot of times people like X take it the wrong way and think that we think we did nothing wrong when in reality we want to take acountability, but just have no clue what we've done and need help finding it. However, with X we can't do so when they're trying to be distant from us because it triggers them to say something sarcastic or even rude (we have talked to X about this before, I'm not sure if they were really listening or not in the moment though)

Yesterday, while they were doing all that I unnintentionally went nonverbal whenever I was alone with them because I was honestly very scared. I have no clue how to comfort or help people, and when X is like this I never know what to say because even asking if they're okay or how their day was just ends in them saying sarcastic things and ignoring me. At some point they began talking to me again, and at some point they mentioned how I talk too much and how it's annoying. In that moment I kind of wanted to just break down because for the past few months I had been going nonverbal and not talking a ton a lot more (due to a lot of people talking about something related to my trauma without really knowing) so it felt really hurtful. And even before then I only said things I thought they found funny or enjoyed.

This morning, I woke up to messages in the groupchat with A and X. A was infodumping about one of his biggest hyperfixations and seemed really exited. Then, X texted "this is why I hang out with (person) more lately, this is all you talk about". And while I understand how it can get boring to hear the same thing constantly, it just didn't really feel right. I guess A didn't pick up on what the message really meant and started joking around and messaging random pictures (both me and him cope with jokes, I'm just not sure if A picked up and started joking around to cope or just overall didn't pick up).

I'm not really sure how to feel. X is my childhood friend and they mean a lot to me. I worry every night that something bad might happen to them (as everyone in my friendgroup is very mentally unwell) and cry myself to sleep thinking of a world without them or any of my other friends. As much as I think I might be overeacting, I'm not at all jealous of the other friend that X wants to hang out with. it's more of I can't stand X being mad at me and not knowing why. I want to be able to fix it but I'm really really scared to ask due to how X has reacted many times in the past (stuff like this has happened a lot, for most it was over really small things like me missplacing something, but I still understand these reactions) and I'm really scared something might happen to them or A. I've almost relapsed because of how stressful it all is after being almost two months clean, and I haven't seen my therapist yet and won't be able to talk to them for another four days.

At this point though, I'm questioning if this friendship is good for either of us. If I'm doing tis type of stuff without knowing and they don't want to tell me/A then I don't think that they should stay friends with the both of us as it may be hurtful for them. I really wish them all the best though, and I wish they would tell me what I've been doing wrong. I could have missed a lot of stuff from that day though because the previous night was really horrible and I hardly got sleep. I really hope that they tell me because I want to talk to them again like we did before. I'm really concerned for them but have no idea how to help them because (A) I'm not a proffessional and could make things worse and (B) anytime I try to they ignore me and get sarcastic. I really want to help them, I just don't know how because they're going through a lot and have a lot of undiagnosed dissorders that affect a lot of their life because they're untreated.

I also have a hard time explaining to A what most of X's comments and such mean. For example, A will be randomly talking about something they like and X will hit them with the "Nobody cares". A will completely belive they're joking (because thats what their relationship has been up until a few months ago I guess) and X gets really annoyed.

Another thing that X does when they're mad at us is misgender us. They'll still be okay with working with us and such, and seemingly be OK with us, but then they do this. I don't think that even they understand, but this really hurts. Both me and A are transgender, and for me personally because of how long I've know X, they were the first person I told. I trusted them a ton with the information and belived that they would be Ok with me being transgender. Over time though, I've regretted telling them. They still have my deadname saved for all of their contacts, and will openly see me as who I used to be while everyone else (even the people I've known since preschool) sees me for who I currently am. X also does the same for A, which is really annoying considering that they were outed and unnaccepted about a month prior. Exept for A, X will outright use his deadname during conversations plus the incorrect pronouns whereas it only took them about a week to get it right for me, and they've known me a lot longer (three years). both me and A are very dysphoric and are very open about it to X.

At this point, i have no clue how to approach or help X anymore because as much as they talk about me and A not caring, when we try to help them and ask how they're doing all we get is comments like "I'm fine, what do you think." and when we try to use a different approach to help we get similar comments. I've been trying to give them room to be themselves, but they keep shutting down thoughts and ideas that aren't their own. they also make fun of us, but whenever we try to match their seemingly 'playful' jokes they ignore us for the rest of the hour.

Both me and A also have a hard time socializing "normaly" which is also what X is more used to. X also became a lot more different when they started spending hours watching shorts, and from what they've sent me in the past they're on the 'offensive memes' side. I know whats over there and I know it's only a matter of time before they become sexist and such (they already are in a way, they'll block girls specifically just because they're 'ugly'). I honestly can't tell the difference between wether something they say is actually offensive or a 'normal' joke.

Also, both me and A are open about things that would be important to the freindship like how bad we are at social cues (specifically A) and triggers and whatnot (so is X).

No clue how I wrote that much, and I'm pretty convinced I'm overreacting. Just needed to get that out I guess, thanks for reading that all if you did (I don't blame you if you didn't thats like eight paragraphs, not even I would read it all tbh).

I’ve been working at this company for only a few weeks now, and honestly, I’m already exhausted by how much self-control it takes to be kind all the time. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not rude, and I don’t snap at anyone, but internally? I’m fighting a war every day just to keep my mouth shut. Some of these coworkers act like they’ve never heard of basic courtesy or professional boundaries. They overshare, they interrupt, they make assumptions, and it’s like I’m expected to keep smiling through all of it. Clients aren’t much better. You can be polite, patient, even go out of your way to help—and still, they’ll throw some passive-aggressive comment your way or complain that you didn’t “sound friendly enough.” I get it; everyone has their own crap to deal with, and maybe I’m being too sensitive. But seriously, how are you supposed to be kind when people keep pushing your buttons?!! I try to breathe through it, tell myself it’s just a job, it’s just people being people, but it’s tough. And the worst part is—I want to be kind. I want to be seen as someone who’s approachable, easy to work with, someone who makes things better, not worse. But when you’re constantly dealing with entitled attitudes and phony small talk, it becomes less about kindness and more about performance. And that performance wears you out.

The thing is, I don’t think I’m mean. I just think I’m running out of energy to fake warmth all the time. Is kindness supposed to feel this forced? I watch some of my coworkers smile so easily, laugh with clients, crack jokes in meetings—and I wonder, how do they do it?? Are they not tired? Are they not annoyed? Or am I just wired differently? There’s this pressure to keep up the vibe, be the guy who’s always positive, who never rolls his eyes, never says the thing everyone’s thinking but knows they shouldn’t. But suppressing those reactions—it’s messing with my head. It feels dishonest. And yet, saying what you really feel? That gets you labeled difficult or unprofessional. So I sit there, nodding, agreeing, thanking people who make my job harder, pretending not to care when someone takes credit for something I did. I replay conversations in my head on the way home, wondering if I sounded cold, if I should’ve smiled more, if I was too blunt. And it’s not just about how others see me; I don’t want to turn bitter. I’ve seen what that looks like, and it’s ugly. So I try, every day, to show kindness even when it doesn’t feel earned—especially then, actually; because I guess that’s the whole point of kindness, right? But it’s not easy. And some days, I wonder if anyone notices. Or cares. Maybe I’m just overthinking the whole thing. But you ever feel like being kind is more about survival than sincerity? Like, if you stop being kind, everything around you would collapse? What’s the line between being a decent person and being a doormat? 🧠

For as long as I can remember, the thought of parenting was never appealing to me. Growing up, I was the default caregiver to my four younger siblings until I left home at sixteen, which instilled in me a significant aversion to child-rearing. That's probably why I never pursued having children of my own and remained uncomfortable around youngsters.

When I married my husband, the situation was a bit different as he had three grown children from a previous marriage. Although I am their stepmother, I have never taken on a maternal role; my relationship with them is cordial, as I am primarily seen as their father's spouse. My interaction with them has been pleasant, without the obligations typical of parental roles.

The dynamics changed, however, when Kelly, one of his daughters, had a child. The family was overjoyed at the arrival of the first grandchild. From the onset, I was explicit about my boundary: I was not available for babysitting duties. My husband understood and happily took on the role of the doting grandfather. My role was simple—but enjoyable—limited to spoiling the grandchildren with gifts and the occasional treat, which worked well for the first few years.

However, Kelly began to pressure me more and more to assume a typical grandmotherly role, likely due to her own mother-in-law being out of state and less involved. Despite multiple discussions about this, she seemed unable to accept my stance.

Recently, the situation escalated. With my husband away on a business trip and our standing arrangement for him to babysit on Mondays disrupted, Kelly unexpectedly brought her children over, assuming I would babysit in his absence. When I reiterated that I would not be babysitting, the situation became tense and argumentative. Kelly left upset, insisting I should “step up” as a grandparent.

My husband supports my decision, but his other children have criticized me, calling into question my stance on family responsibilities.

Imagine if this familial disagreement were played out on a reality show. The audience would likely be polarized. Some might view me as standing my ground and defending my established boundaries, while others could perceive me as cold and unsupportive. Reality shows thrive on conflict and strong reactions from their audiences, and this situation could provide ample fodder for both.

How would viewers react to my decision in this scenario?

Now, I'd like to hear from you. I'm curious about what you think... Am I a bad person? :o

I have major mental health and anger issues! I’ve tried to seek help online and people always try to patronise me and fix me until things get difficult and negative or “toxic”. It honestly just pisses me off! Suck people should be in no position to help me

There's a guy I have met in dating app with him I wanna have romantic feelings with him but he has friendly feelings n said he wants to friends and slowly develop into something but idk how long will it take. He said his past was not good because of hurry relationship n stuff.

When he was online in app I was really jealous but he told it was because he saw old friend n chatted in his hometown.

Then he compared his friend with me I was devastated.

I told him i will move on clearly but in reality idk what to do.

I'm a 28-year-old woman currently residing with my mother due to my financial constraints, as I'm still completing my education with a college grant. My upbringing in the Adventist Church left me with some deep-seated emotional issues.

Since my father's death, my mother has entered a relationship with a new partner who practices an Afro-Brazilian faith. While I've expressed my struggles with religious discussions due to my Religious Trauma Syndrome diagnosed by a therapist, he has repeatedly tried to share his spiritual experiences with me. Despite requesting respectfully to refrain from this topic when we're alone, he has ignored my requests multiple times, causing me significant distress.

This repetitive breach of my boundaries led to a confrontation where I was firmer after he once again approached me with the same topic. I believed he understood my point after he became silent, perhaps feeling ashamed. However, he later complained to my mother, claiming I was rude, which resulted in a harsh rebuke from her accusing me of immaturity and intolerance. I explained my side, agreed to apologize for the tone but not for maintaining my boundary.

I personally apologized to him but reiterated my stance on avoiding religious conversations for my mental health's sake. He dismissed my approach, suggesting that adulthood involves tolerating discomfort. This makes me wonder if I'm really in the wrong here.

Imagine the drama this situation would cause if it played out on a reality show! The cameras would zoom in on our heated discussions, and viewers would probably be split. Some might applaud my stance on mental health boundaries, while others might criticize me for not being more accommodating. The producers would eat up the tension and the mixed reactions from the audience would add even more spice.

Am I being unreasonable here?

I don't have a job

I have a shitty GPA

My friends all have friends that they like more than me

I’ve never held someones hand

I’ve never kissed someone

or had sex

or gone on a date

I’ve never gotten drunk

I've never gone to a real party

I can't drive

I can't make a phone call without feeling nauseous

I can’t go to gym class

I can't watch what I eat no matter how hard I want to diet and how much I hate myself everytime I take a bite

I can't be bothered with school

I don't have the money for college

I’ll never look the way I want to look

I’ll never be famous

I’ll never meet anyone famous

I’ll never have kids

I’ll never be rich

I probably won't even ever be “upper middle class” or “comfortably rich”

I’ll never not have a roomate

Being trans is literally illegal

and its not like I can just not be a guy

I’ll never be able to get on a plane

So I’ll never be able to leave

I can't see a future

I can't see one year from bow

I can't see myself graduating

I won't be able to pay for college

Once FAFSA and the DoE are disbanded

I can't even be bothered to sit up

And grab the blanket

At the end of my bed

Because my hair is wet

And I’m cold

How am I supposed to do anything when everyone I know is everything I wish I was and there's no way to go back in time and do everything

For my husband's birthday, I decided to surprise him with a homemade two-layer banana cake, knowing his appreciation for the flavor, despite his lactose intolerance. To accommodate his dietary restrictions, I meticulously prepared both a vegan frosting and a delightful vegan toffee sauce, which I was proud of. As we prepared to sing "Happy Birthday," I excitedly mentioned the special cake and its vegan components while he approached the dessert table.

Unexpectedly, in front of all our guests, he questioned the point of baking him a cake at all, given he hadn't enjoyed them for years. His blunt response left me feeling deeply wounded, especially since I had hoped to make his day special. It confused me further because whenever I bought him banana cake from our local bakery, he seemed to genuinely enjoy it, often praising it.

Despite the awkward moment, I tried to maintain a cheerful demeanor for the remainder of the party. Afterward, he sensed my dismay and inquired if I was alright. I expressed my disappointment and vowed never to bake for him again, to which he oddly thanked me, adding that I should have known better, making me feel even worse.

Compounding the situation was the fact that we share the same birthday, and I had also prepared a separate chocolate cake for myself, which now felt more like a solace than a celebration.

Can you imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show? Cameras rolling as the tension unfolds, capturing every nuance of the interaction and likely amplifying our expressions and reactions for dramatic effect. Viewers would probably be divided, with some sympathizing with my attempt to personalize a thoughtful gesture and others possibly siding with my husband, thinking perhaps there was some unspoken backstory explaining his harsh reaction. The discussion panels would buzz, and social media would light up with opinions and possibly even memes, turning our private moment into a public spectacle.

I certainly felt alone and misunderstood in that moment, but how would I have handled the amplified pressure of public judgment? Would the added scrutiny help mend our miscommunication, or would it drive a deeper wedge between us?

I feel like I have nothing to do with these new people who come into my life. I don't feel like I have anything to do; to me, they're complete strangers, people who disrupt my routine, and therefore, I don't want them around. It bothers me that they've shown up with their friendship, but at the same time, I'm grateful for it. I feel like I'd like to be with them, but I can't bring myself to leave my routine under any circumstances. I admit it, I'm terribly afraid of messing up their lives, of changing them, of making them feel bad.

I don't feel like it's right to just enter someone else's life. I can't. I feel like I'll make a mess of things. The same thing happened with my parents; I came into their lives and made a mess of them. Of course, they called me and were feeling unwell, and that's the paradox, because they could have made a mechanical return to me, giving me up for adoption or something like that. I feel that, in and of itself, that said, I'm not at all responsible for my parents' inability to respond to my needs from their routine. Initially, I wasn't suited to it, and upbringing is never temporary.

The relationship with my parents did end in disaster, of course. It went from a small issue to a bigger one, and indeed, between parents and children, the question of waiting until they were little would indeed be a person out of touch with the development of humanity. I feel, I confess, that I'm ready to enter another person's life, for them to enter it. That is, I feel capable of achieving a perfect, at least approximate, contribution to my routine and theirs. I can't say I won't disappoint them, however, what I will say is that I will choose not to make that my relationship the way it was for my parents.

I confess, if I say it, I'd like to have a boyfriend. Why not say it? With one of the doctors who treated me, being friends with another of them, and being a friend to others. Why deny it? That's what I feel. I know the harsh reality is that it's impossible, that such feelings will only lead to disappointment. However, I feel that this time it is possible, despite my over-excited and uncontrollable actions, undoubtedly the product of my feelings for them. However, it's so good because I'm gradually seeking that support, and it's something, without fear of misunderstanding, that they have witnessed.

I'm frank; I haven't lied to them about not being able to control myself. It's true, for the love of God. I feel I couldn't do it, I couldn't under any circumstances, and I've experienced various feelings with them. I feel very sorry for the doctors for having upset them, for having made them see strange things that a psychiatrist could see, but let's be clear: These doctors, who are dentists, are not trained in this field. It's surprising that I behaved heroically in this regard because, let's be clear, they were absolutely free to respond with some kind of retaliation, since something beyond what was being asked of them was asking. It was beautiful that all of them, in the end, were with me, didn't abandon me. I can't help, and I say this from the heart, not considering them my friends, people who love me, people who go beyond what is professional, and I suppose it's because the case required it, which speaks, without fear of being wrong, to the fact that their profession is about them and not about fulfilling their job. It must be said, I feel loved, cherished, and, despite my behavior, where I showed rebellion toward my family, they still remained there. I can't say anything other than that I feel I'm serving them, whatever it may be, without even needing to set limits, because I'm in the presence of good people.

I have to say, these doctors deserve everything, and despite that, they don't want gifts, which even surprises me. It's obvious they don't seek rewards for their work, but I believe it's the right thing to do. How can someone have the heart to love me after I'd been rebellious toward my parents? Why didn't they want to go further? Why did they remain impartial? What a beautiful heart is that? I highly doubt a university would teach that, ever. The answer is that I did have a splendid team. I criticized them a lot because, in fact, the field of mental health wasn't approached with precision, as I think it should have been. However, I feel that this makes their efforts completely welcome to me. They excelled in something that not many people can. In fact, they fought for my health, for me to be well, and that's great.

Why did I have to have such good people in my life? Honestly, I don't think I deserve them, but that's how it was. I feel like I love them, from the bottom of my heart. I love them, I love them, and I feel like they never acted against me In fact, they resisted their own feelings, causing them to go elsewhere. I love them, I can't say otherwise. I wish my parents could have made this effort, I wish my family had been able to do it before, I wish my friends had done what these people did. I insist, these doctors touched my heart; they were more humane than I thought, and because of methodology, I dared to call them inhuman, but I confess I never saw what they did, which is what counts in the long run. Freud said that a few kind words are no medicine, and this has been my thing.

I don't know how to express my joy. It's immense. I never thought this was inside me. I knew I had to dig and dig and dig through my feelings, and I never thought I'd find such a beautiful feeling. In fact, one of them wrote me that they wished me well, another welcomed me with open arms, and the other still recommended appropriate medical procedures. In other words, even though I behaved harshly during treatment, they were still there, they're still there. I feel like I wasn't just another patient, a consumer product, and that's it, but that there was something more. Something very deep that came from within. How can I stop remembering such affection? And my family wanted me to forget it, absolutely not. They, less than anyone, deserve to be forgotten, under any circumstances, but to be remembered with great affection. In fact, I felt like there was a family with me, a family that cared for me and is still there. I love this family, even though they don't see it that way.

I can't believe it. I feel like I've had the opportunity of a lifetime: to have a family, and I may be the only member of my biological family who has had this opportunity. Of course! I'm not going to waste it!

So, I've been rather lonely for the past couple of years. About 6 years, in fact. Physically speaking I am not lonely,I've always had caring family and friends around me. But emotionally, I've felt detached and disorientated for the past few years. I've been mentally unstable,have attempted to kill myself about 3 times, and also self harmed a lot (I've been clean of self harm for a few months, though, fortunately.)

Anyways.For me, nothing beats feeling lonely than playing truth or dare with yourself and postinsetting up questions asking about my own day in a fake chat to try and cheer myself up.I don't understand a few things,to be honest. Why do i feel lonely even though there's so many people keeping me company? What did I do to deserve all these wonderful and caring human beings? Unlike them, I'm nothing good. I'm practically just a worthless parasite, and yet they all put up with me. My family, friends, and practically everyone I know. I don't understand how someone can like something like me. I'm just worthless anyways. But yet I want to be loved. My minds been a conflicting and overwhelming mess for years now, and I still don't know how to manage it. Somedays I find myself getting better. Somedays I find myself back in this loop of confusion and frustration. I don't want to continue being like this. I want to be happy with everyone else. So I guess I'll try again. I've failed, sure, multiple times. But I'll try again. And I'll keep trying. I'm going to die anyways. We all are. So since it's inevitable,might as well give life a small chance.

A Home That Doesn’t Feel Like Home

Lately, I feel like my own house isn’t my safe place anymore. Ang ingay ng sigawan at away ni mama’t papa, parang wala nang pahinga. I thought after losing kuya and mommy, they would see me, take care of me, hold me a little closer. For a while, they did — but only for a short time. After three months, they went back to their old ways. They knew my triggers, they knew how much their fighting breaks me, pero parang wala lang.

When I got sick, I just wanted to be found. I left my door unlocked hoping mama would come in, sit beside me, ask how I was. Pero when papa told her to check on me, she answered coldly, like caring for me was a burden. Masakit marinig na parang wala akong halaga.

It hurts even more because I help her at home. I wash the dishes, I clean, I do my part. Pero kahit gano’n, mas maalaga at mas sweet pa sila sa pinsan ko, kahit hindi naman siya nakakatulong sa gawaing bahay. Ako na nga yung gumagawa, ako pa yung parang hindi nakikita.

That’s why these past weeks, I’ve been cold to them. Parang mas gusto pa nila yung pinsan ko kaysa sakin. They don’t realize how much it kills my spirit when I give, give, and give, but I don’t feel cared for in return.

I feel so fragile. I miss kuya, I miss mommy, I miss the way they made me feel safe and loved. I just want someone to take care of me, especially when I’m sick. Pero sa halip, I get sharp voices, cold answers, and the feeling that I’m too much to deal with.

Sometimes, I just want to leave this place. Ang hirap tumira sa bahay na parang hindi tahanan. I want peace, I want love, I want to breathe.

And maybe they’ll never really understand, but I know this: my pain is real, my longing is valid, and I deserve the kind of love that doesn’t make me beg for it.

Even if my own house doesn’t feel like home, I’m learning to carry myself and be my own safe place.

I'm currently in my 32nd week of pregnancy with our first child, which my husband, Felix, and I are very excited about. Luckily, Felix works as a builder, so setting up the nursery was a breeze. We decided early on the style and theme we wanted, and now it's almost finished. It feels great getting this big task out of the way before the baby arrives.

However, my mother-in-law, who has always been a bit overbearing, has been a challenge, even more so after learning about the pregnancy. Despite trying to be supportive, her approach can be critical. For instance, she once suggested I should lose weight for the sake of my health and the baby's, fully aware of my past battles with anorexia. Usually, I let Felix handle her because of her overbearing nature.

Lately, as the nursery neared completion, her pop-ins have increased—especially inconvenient since I work from home. She often comes in, casually asks about my meals, and proceeds to invite herself to join. She doesn’t stop there, though; she often heads straight into the nursery and begins rearranging what Felix and I have set up.

Yesterday was particularly trying. She arrived unexpectedly, criticized my attire, and made a scene about changes I made in the nursery for safety reasons, like removing pillows and fairy lights from near the crib. I tried to explain, but she retorted with outdated advice and hurtfully questioned my potential as a mother. Overwhelmed and tired, I finally snapped and asked her to leave, which she did, albeit begrudgingly.

I wonder if I overreacted; Felix is already planning to speak with her about respecting our boundaries. But was it just pregnancy hormones, or was I right to stand my ground?

Honestly, I imagine if this were to happen on a reality show, the audience would probably be split. Some might cheer for standing up to such an invasive mother-in-law, while others might think I was harsh, interpreting my reaction as part of a dramatic storyline. Reality show or not, it's hard balancing others' expectations with your own during such a vulnerable time.

Was my reaction to my MIL over the top?

I’m 23M and I finished my IT studies last year thinking I was at least stepping onto a road, even if it wasnt a perfect one. I actually did get one decent thing right after, a paid internship for 2 months, doing small dev tasks, fixing bugs, cleaning messy code, sitting in standups acting like I knew what “velocity” really meant. It was not glamorous but it felt real, like finally I was inside the system instead of just training for it. Then it ended, they said nice things, “you did well,” “we’ll keep your CV,” the usual polite exit lines, and after that it was just silence. Since then I’ve been applying everywhere for junior developer jobs, trainee jobs, “entry level” jobs that somehow still ask for 2 years of experience in three frameworks and cloud certs like they’re handing out pilot licenses. I’m not saying companies are evil for wanting good candidates, because I kind of get it, nobody wants to spend money training someone who might leave, and the market seems bad for everybody right now, not just me. But at the same time it’s hard not to take it personal when rejection emails stack up or, more common, when there is no reply at all. “We have decided to move forward with other candidates” starts to sound like background noise after a while. And the weird part is I can still explain the logic of it, I can still be rational, but that doesn’t stop the mood from sinking. Unemployment depression sounds dramatic when you say it out loud, maybe even too online, but what else do you call it when every day looks the same and your confidence gets slowly sanded down by job boards, fake motivation, and waiting?

What makes it worse for me, honestly, is AI. I know some people love it, some people say “adapt or die,” some say it’s just another tool like Google or Stack Overflow, and maybe for some jobs that’s true. I’m not trying to do the old man yelling at clouds thing at 23 😅. But I hate how it entered the conversation right when I was trying to begin. It already felt hard enough to get taken seriously as a junior dev, and now every article, podcast clip, LinkedIn post, and random recruiter comment sounds like, “junior coding will change,” “companies need fewer entry-level devs,” “AI can boost one senior into doing the work of three people.” Maybe some of that is hype, maybe alot of it is marketing, maybe companies are just using it as the newest excuse to freeze hiring, I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to stay fair about it. I know AI can help with boring tasks, documentation, debugging, whatever. I even used some of it during school and during the internship because not using it at all would be kind of fake. But I still resent it, because I spent years hearing that tech was safe, practical, future-proof, and now the same people are acting like the ladder got pulled up just when my turn came. It feels like someone changed the rules after the exam. And before anyone says “build projects,” yes, I did that, small web apps, GitHub commits, portfolio, CV rewrites, leetcode a bit, networking a bit, messages to old classmates, all of it. None of it turned into actual work. After months of this, even personal projects start to feel fake, like I’m making pretend products for no users just so I can maybe impress someone who will never answer the application anyway;

The hardest part is probably how ordinary it all looks from the outside. I live at home right now, I wake up, search listings, send applications, tweak cover letters, maybe study, maybe stare at the screen pretending I’m still “being productive,” then the day ends and technically nothing exploded. No big tragedy, no dramatic downfall, just a slow, dull shrinking. Friends from school are mixed too, some found jobs, some didn’t, some moved into support or data stuff or just gave up and took whatever paid rent. I don’t judge them, and I try not to judge myself either, because the economy is messy and the tech market is clearly not what we were promised. Still, there’s this embarassing feeling when someone asks, “So what are you doing now?” and the true answer is basically waiting. Waiting while trying to look active. Waiting while telling yourself you’re not lazy, not broken, not useless, just stuck. I don’t think unemployment automatically equals depression for every person, and I don’t want to throw that word around carelessly, but when your plans stop moving, your brain can stop moving too. You start thinking in smaller and smaller circles. You compare yourself to strangers. You read posts where people say “just keep grinding” or “the market will recover” like those phrases are food. Maybe they mean well. Maybe they’re right. But being told to stay positive when nothing changes can start to feel insulting, even if the advice isn’t wrong. So I’m asking, especially to anyone reading this who has been through something similar, how do you keep your head normal when your career hasn’t even started and already feels over? I’m still applying, still trying, still being realistic, but I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t changed how I see myself.

this is mainly to p but b too, I've been a terrible person recently and there is no excuse for my sh!t (srry for my word choice) if u have read my other stuff yk if not it's ok. I don't know why im destroying everything and breaking my greatest friendships. b im so frickin sorry for putting u through more sh!t and drama for no freaking reason, u didnt deserve it and I'm glad u and p are talking again :P and p.. I'm sorry but we both no sorry never fixes it. I should have been better, I've known u practically my whole life and I threw it all away because I could take the fact that ur human too and that u struggle as much as I do. Its probably weird for me cuz I've only seen u the crazy child id vibe with :D school has been stressing me and life which doesn't make it any better. if you cant/don't want to try and rebuild our destroyed bridges that's okay but if you are willing to I'd try to fix what's lost slowly, just know ur not alone even if you feel u are, I'm always around watching to make sure u are okay, like we use to say "HEYYY POOKIEE" "JUSTICE FOR PLUTO" "hEy...DidD yOOu WaSh YouR aSs ToDayie??!" I love u and I'd walk through hell and back for u and b both..

I hope by now u know who p is and I hope you know who b is cuz ik they are both here on IIWIARS

have a good night my children :) I hope y'all have a good day tomorrow for what u can<3