Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I've been on this wild journey of self-discovery, and honestly, what a trip it’s been figuring out my damn sexuality. Like, one minute I’m crushing hard on this girl in my class, we vibe so well, and then the next, I’m drooling over some guy in a coffee shop, and I’m like, "what the actual heck is happening?" It’s like I’m a walking contradiction, and if anyone’s got a spare manual on this kinda stuff, hit me up! So, I’ve been trying labels on for size – bisexual, pansexual, queer – but nothing feels quite right; each label seems to fit like a shoe from the clearance rack at a thrift store, you know? One day I’m in the mood for a romantic comedy featuring a fierce female lead, the next, I’m binging on some brooding male anti-hero drama. Heck, I’ve even Googled “what is my sexuality?!” like a million times, coz surely the internet knows better than me, right? 😂 It feels like an episode of "Queer Eye" gone wrong, where they’re just yelling, “Love yourself, you’re fabulous!” while I’m over here like, “Thanks, but can I just get some clarity?” I remember this one time my best friend said, “You can love whoever the hell you want,” and I thought, wow, she’s onto something. Why do I even need a label? It’s like trudging through a minefield of expectations, assumptions, and stereotypes, and let’s face it, some people are so bent on shoving you into a specific box, it’s nauseating. We have “The Kinsey Scale,” which is cool and all, but I sometimes feel like saying, “Screw the scale, I’m just vibing.” I read somewhere that sexuality is fluid, and it makes total sense; I mean, one moment you’re in love with the idea of a picnic with a girl, and then suddenly you're all about a romantic evening with a dude and a bottle of wine. So, like, what am I? Do I really need to label it? Labels seem helpful, but they also seem restrictive. It’s a double-edged sword. And dating? Ugh, don’t even get me started. Trying to navigate that landscape feels like climbing Mount Everest without gear. Swipe left, swipe right, and the anxiety? It’s crippling. And the worst part is when someone asks, “So, what do you identify as?” and I’m like, “How about a hot mess?” You know that awkward moment when you’re honestly reflecting and you just want to scream “I’m just me?!” Sometimes I think, “Do I have to pick a side?” and the answer seems to be no. I mean, is it really that serious? Like, I read a quote that said, “Sexuality is like a rainbow: it’s made up of many colors,” and that resonates so much. I wanna play with all the colors! So anyway, I’m embracing whatever this is, because life’s too short to stress about it, right? I’ve had those nights where I just wanna melt into my blankets, binge-watch my favorite shows, and cry about confusing romance. It’s rough; I've asked myself if I'm overthinking it or if I’m just, I don’t know, bored with the binary? 😕 Some days I just want a partner who gets my latest obsession with true crime documentaries and how I think pineapple on pizza is a crime against humanity. Why are we so obsessed with labeling everything? Can’t it just be about feelings and vibes? I might still be in the thick of figuring this out, but I’m cool with that now; it’s part of the journey, and the journey is kinda beautiful in its chaos. Who’s with me on this? Anyone else feeling the weight of the world’s expectations, but also finding joy in the messiness of it all? Nobody should feel cornered or pressured to fit into a neat little label, I mean, “Sexuality is a spectrum, not a straitjacket,” right? Let’s enjoy the ride, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll discover that love comes in all shapes and sizes – and sometimes, it’s just about being open to whatever floats your boat;

Hi my name is Zariah but I’d rather be called Luna..please I might be too young for this app at 11 years old but please don’t block me I have no one else to vent tok being to scared…I have loving parents and a loving grandmother who I live with..I have many friends and a trans partner but sadly they want to do suicide because of their abusive mother who tried to make them overdose…I know it’s selfish wanting to die when I have everything I need in life..but I just don’t want to live..I’m insecure about my skin..my personality…my selfishness…my body..I’m so hypersexual…I hate it..I hate everything about me..I want to die but I don’t…I just want a different life…I get judged a lot..I act crazy…I threaten people when I’m mad even tho I never mean it…I have almost 10 siblings 4 on my mothers side and 7 on my dads side I don’t want to leave my family but I don’t want to be with them neither…I want attention but I don’t want to be looked at…I want to be around people but I want to be alone…I feel pretty but I feel ugly…I feel touched and disgusting…I hate my body…I hate everything and everyone…but I still let everyone step on top of me just to satisfy them…I hate being beat up..but I love the pain…I did self harm too myself thinking it would help my grandmother understand how I feel..but she just made it worst by telling my dad and beating me up…calling me stupid and even trying to put me in a mental hospital…and honestly I want to be in a mental hospital…I want to be around people like me…crazy, insecure, weird, and stupid I want to jump but I’m too scared…I want to run away but where will I go? I feel like everyone hates me even tho they give me everything…I’m scared god is real so when I actually end up killing myself I got to hell…I want to cry but for some reason nothing will come out…I hate myself…but I love everyone else..?

Our CEO has a very unrealistic expectations to us. She would give the work at 11am and have the result by 1? What the fuck? Am i not allowed to take my lunch????

I've been homeschooled my whole life. I've always hated it and left me to feel bitter. I saw my friends who went to public or private schools, they told me I was lucky, yet they were the ones who had friends, relationships, even the resources at school that helped them with their education. I had none of those. For me, I would wake up, go on my computer, finish my school, and stay home. I begged my mother to put me into public school when I reached 9th grade, didn't happen. Best she could do was enroll me into a virtual school, not any better since it was the exact same lifestyle. The only way my mother would comfort me was tell me about College, how when I got to college I'll meet so many people and start my life. Everyone told me that. That was what I held onto during my years, it was the only thing that kept me going. I worked hard, had a great GPA, did a lot of strong extracurriculars, take strong classes. Long story short, college admissions season has ended, and I basically got into none of the schools in my state that I wanted to go to. Every out of state school that I applied to and wanted to go so badly accepted me, all with scholarships. But it's too expensive, I have no financial aid since my family makes too much, but they said they won't help cover costs if I go out of state. The only in state school that accepted that is decent quality is 20 minutes away from my house, I'll get a car at least. To make it even better, it's known as a commuter school, social life is dry from what I've heard. All of my friends got into their dream schools, schools that they should be proud of, meanwhile Im ashamed. I thought it would finally be my time, something would finally happen. But nope. I'll be at my home, doing the same routine I have done my whole life. Nothing will change. I'll never go to a football game with friends, I'll never live in a dorm, I'll never know the thrill of being on my own. I wanted so badly to have that. So badly to live. Know I just feel empty and bitter and I keep thinking about all the "what ifs". I've never had the average teenage experience, hell, I haven't even had my first kiss. Now I will never have what I have only been dreaming of my whole life. I can't even begin to explain the absolute despair I am feeling. I thought things would be different, I thought I would be celebrating, not mourning the life I will never have. What stories will I tell to my children? I don't have any.

yo, listen up, i'm just about fed up with this bullshit, man. i'm 25, right? good ol' quarter of a century and here i am, still living in my mom's basement. can't even get a damn job. fuck ai, bro. they keep saying how ai is the future and it's making our lives easier, blah, blah, blah. you know what? that's just a load of crap. i graduated, and all these companies are out here drooling over ai, replacing human workers like we're nothing. it's like, why even bother going to college, ya know? i'm racking up student loans, but for what? to be tossed aside by some piece of code? screw that.

i mean, let's be real here, ai is everywhere now. it's in our phones, in our homes, hell, it's even driving cars now! and while all these tech geeks are creaming their pants over it, folks like me can't catch a break. i apply for jobs left and right, scrolling through endless listings, and all i see is "experience with ai required," or "ai proficiency preferred." i ain't no tech wizard! i'm just a regular dude trying to get by. but no, all these companies want to invest in some shiny new robot that they don't even have to pay or give health benefits. yeah, real smart, isn't it? replacing real people with soulless, emotionless machines.

and don't even get me started on those automated recruitment processes. you think going through stacks of resumes would be a thing of the past. but nah, now i gotta deal with ai screening my application before it even hits a human's desk. yeah, that's right, good ol' mr. ai has decided i don't fit the criteria for half the jobs i apply for. excuse me, but how does a program with zero understanding of values, culture, or passion get to decide if i'm worthy of a job? i ain't saying i'm some kind of genius or anything, but damn, at least give a guy a fair shot. these algorithms they use are as biased as can be, and yet no one's calling them out. everyone's just nodding along like it's the new gospel or something.

what happened to the days when you could walk into an office, shake a hand, have a conversation, and get hired because they like you, they see potential in you? nah, now it's all about ticking the right boxes and having the right buzzwords on your resume. i get it, times are changing, gotta adapt and all that jazz, but it's no fun when you're left scrambling to keep up with this never-ending rat race. maybe i'll go back to school and get that "desired" ai proficiency or start networking with the right peeps, but damn, it feels like a losing battle sometimes. so, i ask you, reader, in this age of ai, where does a guy like me fit in?

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkk AI, fuuuuuck!!!!!!!

I've reached a point where I genuinely cannot comprehend why nobody seems to want me. I'm 22 years old, and the realization has hit me pretty hard lately. I understand that not everyone would be thrilled about using them, but two months ago, I decided to give Tinder a shot. I'd heard so many tales of people finding connections there. But here we are; nobody is interested.

I put effort into my profile, took considerably decent photos, and tried to convey who I am genuinely. Still, there's this deafening silence from those whom I'd hoped would express interest in getting to know me. No responses, no matches that lead anywhere promising. It's like I'm yelling into an abyss that just keeps echoing back the unpleasant truth: you're unseen.

Friendships have always come easy to me afar from matters of the heart with reasonable conversations and lighthearted banter but romance? It eludes me completely. It shouldn't feel this consuming or draining yet here I am perplexed at how something like Tinder should help facilitate human connection actually leaves one feeling more isolated than before.

Hello, it's been a while since I opened this app. I don't know who I can talk about this to because I don't want to be judged by my friends, so I thought about talking here and ask for advice regarding this 🥲 There's this guy I like, since the start of the school year, he's the top 1 of our batch, really cute, and he's the youngest out of all of us. He's two years younger than me. I told his friend abt my small crush on him, and he told me that he's not interested in anyone and it's like he has his own world, after that talk I kind of hoped I had a small chance of him liking me back. But then recently, we had this class assignment in school where all of us should prepare a pretend wedding, and of course, in a wedding you're supposed to have a bride and a groom. I was chosen as the bride, and our class really wanted my crush to be the groom since we had past acting experiences where he was the male lead and I was the female lead. We asked him, and he replied with "What. I'll just stay at the food preparations... Give me 100k and I'll consider it" I don't know how to feel guys, I feel a bit heartbroken by that, but at the same time I don't know if I should feel this way since idk if he replied with that because I was the bride, or if he just doesn't want to be the groom I have been rlly obvious of liking him so maybe he's just uncomfortable with me. I just feel so sad and heartbroken because of his reaction like it made me rethink if I deserve to be loved ☹️☹️ His friend asked him again and we are still waiting for his reply because our classmates rlly want it to be him, but another guy stepped up and told me that he's willing to be the groom. Should I still wait for his reply or do we get the other guy instead to be our groom?? Sorry if it's kind of lengthy, I rlly need an advice guys 🙏 tysm!

My mom has always been a drinker. Ever since i was a kid i remember at every barbecue, at every kid's birthday party, at every get together there was always alchohol involved. As a child it was normal to me, i thought thats how it was for all families. Every other day your parents and their friends would get together and get belligerent drunk, and every once and a while there would be an altercation or something. It was just the culture. And it sucked as a child, it was never okay, but it was the way things were. I wasn't going to stop it, i was a kid. I'm an adult now and drinking repulses me. I look back on all the horrible things i had to witness because of my families alchoholism and it makes me so fucking angry. Watching my mom's friend try to throw my uncle off our deck and through our fence, watching my aunt throw herself into a barbed wire fence after jumping out of a moving car going 40 mph, watching the barflies drag my mom up the sidewalk to our house and explaining to me that they're pretty sure she had a seizure so i had to keep an eye on her to make sure she was alright. I was 15. The first time i drove a car was to drive my dad home after a night of drinking, he had to push the pedals for me because i was too small to reach them. The first car accident i was in, i was the designated driver trying to get my mom home from the bar and we were almost in a head on collision. My entire face was bruised because i wasnt wearing a seatbelt. I've watched my mom have seizures, fall and crack her head open, give herself black eyes and swollen lips, and tonight her heart started acting up to the point where we thought she was having a heart attack. I'm just so goddamn tired of it, and maybe its bitter but i have no sympathy for her. In her drunken haze she told my aunt she had lung cancer and I don't even know what to say. She probably lied, is it even worth it to ask her in the morning? I think its more likely shed drink herself to death than die of lung cancer. Sorry if this isn't coherent, i'm just fucking angry.

it's sometimes a curious thing how life plays out, isn't it? i've been around the sun 29 times, not claiming to have all the wisdom but perhaps just enough to understand the ebbs and flows of life. i was sitting down the other day, lost in thought, pondering over everything life has thrown my way. i find myself marvelling at how steady everything seems, how serene. and it hits me, like one of those 'aha' moments that people often talk about. all these feelings i have now, this tranquillity, it's largely because of him, my husband. he's kind of like the unsung hero in the movie of my life, always working behind the scenes to make sure everything falls into place and runs smoothly.

you see, there are days when i feel like i'm floundering, grasping at whatever stability i can find. yet there's always this unyielding anchor - that's him. maybe he's not perfect, but who is, right? there's this balance we have, like a well-rehearsed symphony. when i falter, he's the one holding the metronome, ensuring everything stays in rhythm. maybe you're wondering why i bother sharing all this syrupy stuff. but you know, every so often, one just feels the need to let some sunshine out, you understand what i mean? isn't it just nice when the little cogs in our universe align for a bit? i'm not saying i'm leaning on him like a crutch, but rather, it's a partnership that just works like two puzzle pieces clicking into place.

there's this funny thing about the mundane routine that we fall into, you know what i'm talking about? laundry, dishes, bills, the daily grind. on paper, it sounds tedious but in reality, it feels somewhat bearable - dare i say enjoyable - when shared. splitting the chores, which honestly sound like an endless project management task sometimes, becomes second nature with him. we don't need to draw up a Gantt chart to know who's doing what; we just know. even when i find myself buried under a pile of responsibilities, whether it's work-related or just life's curveballs, he's there with that ever-reliable presence. no fuss, no frills, just simple, genuine support. it amazes me sometimes, the depth of such reliability.

so, as trite as this might sound, i just wanted to put it out there. thank you, sincerely, genuinely, whole-heartedly. it's not every day one stops and acknowledges the small but significant acts of kindness and reliability woven into the fabric of their lives. i mean, don't you think it's important to just stop and have a moment of clarity and gratitude every now and then? our stories and experiences are our own but shared experiences like these - sharing the load, the chores, the routine - are what fortify the bonds we build. in this intricate web of everyday life, having someone like him fills the gaps with a warmth that, at least to me, feels incredibly profound. 😊

Growing up as mixed race (Black father and white mother), I've become somewhat accustomed to navigating predominantly white spaces in the UK. However, a recent visit to my mum and her partner Peter, who've been together for more than a decade, reminded me of the unique challenges I still face. They reside in a quaint Welsh village, distinctively monochromatic in its demographic, but usually, this is an environment I'm used to.

This visit, I decided to offer a hand with some gardening tasks, pulling weeds out front when Peter struck up a conversation with a neighbor, Robert, and brought me over to meet him. Within our initial exchange, after mentioning I was visiting from London for a week, Robert launched into a recount of his last trip to London. He described a minor collision with another person who he claimed then reacted aggressively. He concluded his story with, "and he was coloured," with an implicating tone suggesting danger, followed by fits of laughter from him and Peter.

The comment caught me off guard, and I excused myself, feigning more gardening work for a few moments before heading indoors. Shortly after, Peter came to my room to apologize, but his words, "Sorry about Robert, he just speaks his mind," only fueled my frustration. I confronted him about the lack of opposition to Robert's clearly racist comment. I ended up going for a long hike to cool down.

On returning, my mum tried smoothing things over, but it only escalated the tension. She suggested Robert was just an eccentric and advised I overlook his remarks. However, I stressed that my issue was more with Peter’s nonchalant reaction than Robert’s obvious prejudice. When she urged me to stand up for myself, I emphasized that as a person of color, it wasn't my place to educate or correct their biased acquaintances.

My mum accused me of overreacting; I countered, explaining she couldn’t possibly understand my position fully due to her different racial experiences. I've had to ignore casual racism in many areas of my life, but I drew the line at tolerating it in the so-called safety of my family home. Declaring my intentions to leave first thing in the morning, I started packing.

This decision inflamed the situation further. My mum lamented my impending absence from other family gatherings, labeling my decision as immature for not wanting to reach a compromise. I struggled to grasp how one could "agree to disagree" on matters of racism, let alone feel at ease knowing my immediate family might downplay my feelings toward it.

Reflecting on this situation within the context of a reality show, one wonders how the drama and intense emotional exchanges might play out before an audience. In those heightened realities, the dynamic could shift significantly, offering a platform for broader discussion or possibly escalating tensions further with viewers’ polarized reactions impacting the narrative.

Would love to know your thoughts—would my reaction have been seen differently if it was all televised?

We are currently long distance as she had to move back home to take care of her sick mother. Two days ago, she suddenly began experiencing severe pains. At first, she thought it was particularly bad menstruation cramps and gas. It has continued getting worse, so it is clearly not normal. She's miserable, she can barely get out of bed. I've been begging her to ask her uncle to take her either to a doctor or hospital. She is against this idea, as she doesn't have a lot of money and will only go if she thinks she is dying. I think that whatever this is may well be that serious, but I can't convince her of that. I've promised her I would pay the bill myself, it doesn't matter. She's just not willing, at least not yet. I don't know how bad it will have to be.

I am scared. My mother was similarly stubborn about getting medical help, and it led to her dying from a lung infection that became sepsis. I watched my die on a ventilator because of something a few antibiotics would've solved if she had been treated before. I don't want something like that to happen to my girlfriend. She's the love of my life, the thought of her sick is troubling enough but I am scared she's going to die. She is in terrible pain. She says she's never been in this much pain before.

I don't know how to get her help. Her mother has also been encouraging her to see a doctor. She is as worried as I am.

I could count on one hand the amount I cried in my entire adult life, until this. I'm scared and I know she is too. I feel terrible that I'm not there for her, but due to a stupid drug related offense on my record from a decade ago, I cannot travel to her country.

I'm not religious but I've been praying. I don't even know what I'm praying to. I just want her to be okay. I want to see her smile again. I want to give her a hug. I hate that she's suffering like this. I hate that I can't change her mind.

The thought of something happening to her makes me sick.

okay so i really don’t kno what’s wrong with me rn and i feel super confused all the time, like i got this bf right? he’s sweet and nice and he’s always there for me and we been together for like 7 months now which is kinda a big deal for me lol, cuz usually i get bored or annoyed but with him it’s been good mostly. but the thing is… there’s this other guy. and it’s not like i went looking for it or anything!! it just kinda happened. he’s in my class and we started talkin more and more, just being chill and stuff, joking around, texting late sometimes. nd now every time i see him my heart does that stupid little jump thing, ugh. i feel so wrong even typing this like what kinda person catches feelings for someone else while already having a boyfriend?? i feel like a terrible gf but at the same time i can’t help it. like my brain is screaming stoppp but my heart is like what if u like both?? and now i don’t even know what love is anymore.

i thought love was supposed to be this one person thing, like u find ur person and boom that’s it. no one tells u what to do when u catch feelings for two diff people at the same time. and it’s not even like one is bad and the other is better. they’re just… different. my bf is more soft and sweet, like the kind of guy who brings u snacks when u sad and listens to u talk for hours even if ur just being dramatic. the other guy tho? he’s more funny and confident and flirty and i feel all nervous around him and excited in this like crazy way that makes me feel alive. so what does that mean?? does that mean i don’t love my boyfriend anymore?? or do i just love them in diff ways?? idk if this makes me a bad person or if this is normal and ppl just don’t talk about it. i asked one of my friends and she was like “girl you gotta pick” but what if i don’t wanna yet? what if choosing means losing something important either way?? and like… what if i’m too young to even know what real love is and i’m just being stupid?? ughh my brain hurts fr.

some nights i lay there thinking maybe i just want attention or maybe im scared of being bored or maybe i like the idea of love more than the real thing, but it feels real. like when i think about both of them i get this ache in my chest and i just want them both to know how much i care. but that’s not fair right? i kno i gotta be honest and maybe break things off or make a decision, but i also don’t wanna hurt anyone. nd the more i wait the more i feel like im just messin everything up. i wish someone could just tell me what to do or if it’s even possible to really love two people at the same time. cuz if it is, then maybe im not crazy. maybe im just human. but if it’s not, then what the heck am i supposed to do with all these feelings?? everything feels messy and complicated and i just wanna scream into a pillow and not think about it but the thoughts always come back. being a teen is dumb sometimes.

i hate it. the feeling of being seen, like actually seen, not just people glancin at you in the street or passin by, but when someone really looks at you, like they’re tryin to figure you out, like they have questions, like they see somethin in you that you don’t even see in yourself. it makes my skin crawl. i overthink every little thing, how i stand, how i move, if my face looks weird when im just existing, if my voice sounds stupid when i speak. every time i step outside, i feel like im being judged, even if no one is sayin anything. and the worst part? i know most people don’t care, i know logically they’re all too busy with their own lives to be analyzin me, but my brain don’t listen to logic. my brain tells me everyone notices, everyone sees, everyone is thinkin somethin. so i shrink, i make myself smaller, i walk quieter, i avoid eye contact, i make sure i dont take up too much space, bc the less people see me, the safer i feel. but its exhausting. always second-guessing, always panicking about the tiniest things, always wishing i could just exist without feeling like im being watched.

nd it’s not just in public, it’s everywhere. online, in messages, even around people i know. every time i post somethin, i think should i delete it? does this make me look dumb? did i say too much? did i say too little? every time i talk to someone, i replay the convo in my head a thousand times, picking apart everything i said, wondering if i sounded weird or annoying. nd it makes me not wanna talk at all. like, if i never say anything, if i never put myself out there, then theres nothin to be judged, right? but then that feels just as bad, bc i want to connect, i want to be a person, i just don’t want to be perceived while doing it. i don’t want people to have opinions on me, to see me one way when i see myself another, to misunderstand, to assume, to put a label on me i don’t want. nd maybe that’s the problem. maybe i dont even kno who i am without other people’s perception, nd that’s why it scares me so much. bc what if i don’t like what they see? what if they see the real me, and i don’t even know who that is?

I know the title is silly. It's my attempt to lighten what is bound to be a pretty depressing situation to write out.

So I'm autistic, but autistic in the way where it's almost -ALMOST- not a problem. I can speak well, I can go out in public and not visibly stand out if I try not to (unless I open my mouth), I'm smart and kind and not prone to outbursts. I keep myself and my surroundings clean enough. HOWEVER. I still need help. I can't open cans or use can openers, I can't hold a bag for long or it hurts my stupid oversensitive hands, I never got the hang of folding clothes or tying shoes. I'll forget to eat sometimes, forget to shower sometimes (though never if I have somewhere to be), and I'm totally nocturnal on account of the only friends I have being digital and overseas. People in real life don't stay, or worse, they do and they bully me. My diet is almost entirely beige, I can't use a bus without getting lost if the route is unfamiliar, the list goes on and on. The things I can do are many, and I love my hobbies no matter how unprofitable they are, but the few things I can't outweigh them by societal importance. Jobs reject me because I can't answer the phone or stand up for the whole shift, and I need to do only one or two tasks, not eight.

This is where the title kicks in - I like to joke I have Old Timey Disney Princess Syndrome, in that there is literally no solution for my problems that doesn't involve waiting for someone else to please, please swoop in and fix it for me:

Want my own house? Wait for someone with money to agree to live with me.

Want a job? Wait for someone to say yes to an application AND they have to agree to my limited scope of things I can actually do.

Want to go out somewhere? Wait for someone to be available to take me.

It's crushing me. I'm doing everything I can to try and move along - I want SOMETHING in my life to change, but it's like I'm on a treadmill. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, nothing changes. If anything, the situation gets worse year upon year. I've recently turned 24, so my job prospects are now the lowest they've ever been because I'm now competing with fully-able people my age who who finished university, and I couldn't even go because I got bullied so hard everywhere else.

I know a lot of people who will look at this story and go "wow. what a whiny victim, no such thing as 'can't', just get up and DO IT." and to that I say, "don't you think I've tried?"

Every single thing I have listed for you here, every single item, I have attempted to change or struggle through. I have wasted months or years trying to do things I'm simply not built to be able to do. I have worked myself to breakdown and therapy again and again. I have tried every option available, from self-employment to placements to toughing-it-out. I have tried left handed can openers, electric can openers, ring pulls. I have tried pre-bagged veggies in my diet, differently prepared almost every way you can think of. I have been on so many courses that my work coach has run out of courses to send me on. That is how hard I have tried, and still I have no results. I am exactly where I've been for the past six years.

I am still stuck at home with my borderline abusive father, doing all the chores as best as I can with very little praise for the effort while he comes home and passes out, and I have to accept that, because at least he's worked hard to feel so exhausted. I barely do anything except job applications and chores.

I had thought perhaps the answer was my boyfriend, eventually moving out to America to be with him, but uh...not anymore! thanks politics.

So now I just don't know what to do. I've run out of things to try, and I don't want to be another example of an autistic person driven to the Worst Outcome, but I don't know how much longer I can bear being like this without any change.

I'd appreciate any suggestions from anyone who's been where I am and managed to scrabble out of the pit.

me and him have been best friends for literally forever: we met when we were like 5 or 6 and we been inseparable since. everyone always joked that we were like brother and sister or whatever and i used to laugh so hard at that. but now? now it feels different. and i hate that it does cause i don’t wanna ruin what we have. i don't even kno when i started catchin feelings for real. maybe it was the way he always remembered the smallest stuff about me or how he’s the only one who actually listens when i talk about my dumb drama. or maybe it was just one of those things that slowly grows when you’re not even paying attention. but now it’s all i can think about, and it’s freaking me out so bad.

like sometimes i catch myself just starin at him when he’s laughing or when he’s talkin about something he loves and my heart just melts. and i’m like, "oh no, this is not good." and it’s not just like a little crush either. it’s real. deep. i care about him so much it actually hurts. and i start thinking stuff like, what if he never feels the same? what if he finds out and it makes everything weird between us? what if he just stops wanting to be around me cause he’s uncomfortable? i can’t even imagine my life without him, like he’s been there for every important thing that’s happened to me since i can remember. and now i’m just here, ruining everything in my own head because i caught stupid feelings.

we hang out all the time still, but it feels different for me now. like when he bumps into me or hugs me goodbye, i get all nervous inside, like butterflies exploding in my stomach. and i have to act normal, like "haha yeah bro" when really i wanna scream "I LOVE YOU!!!" 😭 and it’s the worst. sometimes i wonder if he feels anything too, like little signs maybe? but then i tell myself i’m probly just imagining stuff. like last weekend we were watchin a movie and he rested his head on my shoulder for like two seconds and i swear my brain broke. but he didn’t act weird about it so maybe it was just nothin to him. meanwhile i’m sittin there havin a whole emotional breakdown.

i’ve thought about tellin him. so many times. like just blurting it out and seein what happens. but i’m so scared. what if he doesn’t feel the same and everything changes? what if he stops being my person? i’m not just scared of rejection, i’m scared of losing him completely. he's the one i go to when my life sucks, when i’m happy, when i’m confused, when i just wanna chill. if i lose that, idk what i’ll do. and maybe it’s selfish but part of me would rather keep him as a friend than risk not having him at all. it’s like being stuck between two horrible choices and no matter what, it’s gonna hurt.

some days i tell myself maybe it’s better if he never knows. that i’ll just get over it eventually. maybe if i meet someone else or go to college and move away or somethin, the feelings will fade. but deep down i know it wont be that easy. he’s not just some random guy, he’s him. my best friend. the one who knows all my favorite songs, who remembers my birthday better than i do, who always texts me good luck before every big test. how do you just stop loving someone like that? i dont think you can. and honestly, i don’t even want to.

i wish i was braver. i wish i could just tell him everything and have it all work out like in movies. but this isn’t a movie. it’s real life. and real life is messy and scary. so for now, i’ll just keep being his best friend, keep loving him quietly, and hope that someday maybe... just maybe... he’ll look at me and feel it too. and if not... well, at least i’ll still have him in some way. and that’s better than not having him at all. right?