Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Hubby and I are from different countries/cultures.

We ended up moving to Australia before Covid struck 😒 we eventually settled in and life moved on around the world. My in-laws all live in one area. Hubby and I settled nearby and everything was fine. The kids love their grandparents and they are good to me.

However…

I miss my parents so much. I am an only child and my babies are their only grandbabies. It breaks my heart. But hubby is good to me and supports us well. In-laws are good to me too. Just the culture differences get to me sometimes. In-laws have other grandchildren nearby. They are “well off” so they tend to live their lives separate from their children. That’s fine. I’m used to family in your face everyday lol.

The thing that bothers me is they will pass on spending time with their grandkids just because. They want to shop or go out for dinner on their own. We have invited them over and they will refuse without a reason. I’m aghast because I know my parents would kill to spend everyday with their grandbabies!!

I know I can’t change anything. I hate it’s so expensive to fly to Australia! I hate my parents are not well off and can’t afford to visit! They’ve come once and are saving up to come again. Hubby and I have even told them we can help a bit. My dad has offered to send my mom on her own just to save money. I hate that for them! I want them to be next door and my babies see them everyday and be loved so much by two more people! My parents are one of the best in the world! They are so wonderful and sacrificial! They deserve the world and especially their only grandbabies to be nearby to hug and kiss and love on them all day everyday!!!!

Two years ago, we moved about 300 miles away. It sucked for me because now we are not near family. In-laws have come to visit once. Once! In two years. Again, I can’t believe it. They can afford to travel but choose not to. My parents would give anything to see us once every two years! I’m trying to respect their decisions but can’t help think of my parents. I get so upset with my in-laws in my mind. I guess that’s how they stay “well off”, don’t spend too much money. It just annoys me for the kids. They deserve loving grandparents nearby 💔

it's sometimes a curious thing how life plays out, isn't it? i've been around the sun 29 times, not claiming to have all the wisdom but perhaps just enough to understand the ebbs and flows of life. i was sitting down the other day, lost in thought, pondering over everything life has thrown my way. i find myself marvelling at how steady everything seems, how serene. and it hits me, like one of those 'aha' moments that people often talk about. all these feelings i have now, this tranquillity, it's largely because of him, my husband. he's kind of like the unsung hero in the movie of my life, always working behind the scenes to make sure everything falls into place and runs smoothly.

you see, there are days when i feel like i'm floundering, grasping at whatever stability i can find. yet there's always this unyielding anchor - that's him. maybe he's not perfect, but who is, right? there's this balance we have, like a well-rehearsed symphony. when i falter, he's the one holding the metronome, ensuring everything stays in rhythm. maybe you're wondering why i bother sharing all this syrupy stuff. but you know, every so often, one just feels the need to let some sunshine out, you understand what i mean? isn't it just nice when the little cogs in our universe align for a bit? i'm not saying i'm leaning on him like a crutch, but rather, it's a partnership that just works like two puzzle pieces clicking into place.

there's this funny thing about the mundane routine that we fall into, you know what i'm talking about? laundry, dishes, bills, the daily grind. on paper, it sounds tedious but in reality, it feels somewhat bearable - dare i say enjoyable - when shared. splitting the chores, which honestly sound like an endless project management task sometimes, becomes second nature with him. we don't need to draw up a Gantt chart to know who's doing what; we just know. even when i find myself buried under a pile of responsibilities, whether it's work-related or just life's curveballs, he's there with that ever-reliable presence. no fuss, no frills, just simple, genuine support. it amazes me sometimes, the depth of such reliability.

so, as trite as this might sound, i just wanted to put it out there. thank you, sincerely, genuinely, whole-heartedly. it's not every day one stops and acknowledges the small but significant acts of kindness and reliability woven into the fabric of their lives. i mean, don't you think it's important to just stop and have a moment of clarity and gratitude every now and then? our stories and experiences are our own but shared experiences like these - sharing the load, the chores, the routine - are what fortify the bonds we build. in this intricate web of everyday life, having someone like him fills the gaps with a warmth that, at least to me, feels incredibly profound. 😊

Just a heads-up if the timeline or anything doesn’t really make sense, I am sorry but my memory of all the events isn´t all that accurate since the memories are from young age and filled with trauma.

I come from a broken and toxic family. Abusive father that left us when I was about 10 years old who kept manipulating and mentally destroying me for another year or so with sentences like "do you even like me and see me as your daddy" (which he told to me when he was leaving us and I was about 10 years old). Leaving me with mental struggles from a young age. From the memories I have of him when he was still with us, he didn´t participate in parenting in any other way than „I hear something is not right so I´ll go there and beat them “. Let´s say I was lucky because he wasn´t beating me since I was too young (about 5 or 6 at that time). Not the same fate had my mother and brother which is older by 4 years. Before he left us, he basically made my mother to quit her job to „stay with the kids “since he was earning enough and was paying for the mortgage of our house and after he left, he stopped paying for it fully. Which left my mother with 2 children, without a job and a house to pay for which she couldn´t afford. She ended up selling the house under-priced so we could move into an apartment but before that happened, we were staying at different family members for day or weeks depending on their willingness (this was going on for about half a year). After this was settled, she started looking for a new father for us and after some failed attempts she found an unintelligent loser who comes from a rich family and his dad is paying for everything and even employing him. This guy has no education or anything, but in the span of few years he started drinking and smoking heavily which was funded by my mother since he was getting paid a minimum wage and couldn´t afford his addictions on his own. After a about 2/3 years, he wanted a baby with my mother with the promise of cutting of his addictions which he ended up not doing and I have a younger brother now. I didn´t get along with this guy which is only like 10-12 years older than me at all and had multiple conflicts with him, one of them ended up with me calling police on him after he attacked me but was stopped by my mother. Luckily for him the people from police officers I called was his friends from the inn so he got out of it with just a warning and from that point our relationship was going downhill. My mother stayed with this guy for about 10 years in total before ending things with him for like the 5th time and hopefully this one will be the final one. My older brother got some serious trauma from our biological father and became really isolated and lonely which led to me being his pretty much only friend and I basically overtook the role of an „older sibling “and tried to be the one he can lean on to. My mother which is very aware of her constant failures as a parent to provide a „normal family “and all the stuff around became a real mess mentally which excludes both of my older family members from my ability to lean on or vent out to or ask for guidance. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts, self-hatred and loneliness. for a long time but I´d say I´m clean of most of it for like 4 years now. But my educational life wasn´t easy, I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life since I was really ambitious and constantly was trying out a lot of new things but almost always failing due to something and I never got any support or guidance from my mother so I felt hopeless.

After primary school I went to a secondary school where I was for 2 years before I started to fail it due to lack of interest and mental issues of that time, so I failed a year and changed a school. Pretty much the same happened but I was there for only one year and now I´m at my 3rd secondary school which I´m supposed to study for 3 years there. I´m basically halfway through but there are again some issues. I downgraded in the schools and currently the one I am at doesn’t have the best reputation since it has a lot of having unintelligent students and/or drug addicts. I was always a misfit but I didn´t mind, I enjoy being alone but on this school its different. I´m not alone, I am alone and being harassed/bullied without a way of fighting back Since I can´t defend myself physically because one of my classmates did and got kicked out of the school because „violence doesn’t have a place in school “and my headteacher and the school headmasters are powerless until they attack me physically which they are just not dumb enough to do. The end result of this is everyone I turned to for help in the school told me „I can´t help you, just man up and get through it “. I thought I had a solution for some time, since it is a school where they teach us manual work, we get the opportunity to go into a work while studying and getting separated from your class. I took the chance and was working for about half a year. Since it´s a seasonal job (we can´t really work in the winter) some time before Christmas I was told to go back to the school for the winter and a few days ago I was supposed to go there again for the first time after winter. The day I went there my supervisor told me I am fired. I was confused, but after some digging and deeper thoughts I realised that the son of the owner I didn´t really got along well with and he had a lot of friends and power over his daddy so that is my theory to why I got fired. Now to the current issues. I had a plan of skipping school during the winter so I don’t have to meet with my classmates. This plan was heavily supported by my mental state of getting physically sick, vomiting, having cold, and agonizing headache most of the time the day before or the morning of the day I was supposed to go to school. Which led to me having almost 80% of absence which is way too much and now that I am fired, I have to go back there basically without missing a day of school or I am out. The situation at home doesn’t help at all either. My brother dropped out of college but he got well paid job so now I am being looked down at by all of my family for being “unable to graduate even from secondary school even though I am smart” and getting fired. Few days ago, was my 20th birthday and at the day of a family celebration my close family circle gathered not to wish me or support me. They all came and basically started saying stuff like “its in the family that one child is a failure” or “you know, someone has to get paid a minimum wage”. But not a single one came and supported me, all of them just went to my 20th birthday and started mocking me and making fun of me. I feel absolutely lost and without a purpose with no one to turn to. So I ended up here on the internet asking help from strangers.

so today is my 18th birthday and if u had told me at 13 i would have made it to my 18th birthday i would have laughed then cried in ur face.

im not coming on here for pity or attention i just wanted to say that im so proud of myself for making it this far. heres to many many more chapters in my life

I left my toxic 9-5 jobs to look after my mental and physical health. I was able to lose 10 kgs weight and reverse my PCOS too. However sitting at home i have isolated myself and feel none of my entrepreneur ideas will work. I see other flourishing in life. Can i do that too?

so I'm bisexual and have been for a bit and last year I made friends with people and I really liked them and we got along well kinda I never really talked and was always left out but after a while around January of 2024 I found out they were calling me a F@ggot and a queer and I was forcing them to be my friend and I was weird and it took a toll on my already bad mental health and I stopped talking to them but then they acted like they have never met me and they didn't sh!t talk me

So, I've always been pretty sure in myself. I always believed that I knew myself well and I have always been sure in my personality. I don't know if this is just me overthinking, but I am turning 17 soon and I have realized that I don't really know if there is much depth to my personality. I have done a lot of growing in recent years, and I am far different know from the person I used to be. which is to be expected as a kid growing up. the only issue is that know I don't really know who I am. I know what I like, and don't like, but that's about it. sometimes I wonder if I am emulating my personality from certain aesthetics that I like. most of it feels like me, but sometimes I wonder if I am trying to hard to fit into one box, and other times I feel like I need to commit to one group so that I don't feel like an outsider. but my biggest issue is that I really don't know myself. and I am deeply afraid of having a shallow personality. I wonder if thats why I have a tough time making friends, or if thats why some of my friends will forget about me or ignore me. I realize that I am probably thinking into this too much, but I really am afraid of having a weak personality. does anyone have any advice for how to fix this and become a more interesting person? or for how to become more assured in myself? I really don't know why this has been bugging me so much. I think its worse because I used to be so self assured and know that I am getting older I am realizing that there are things about me that people don't like and it is just a lot to take in. anyway, thanks for being here for my rant

I'm really struggling in school right now. Everything is a group project for every single subject and it makes me want to cry as my anxiety gets cranked to 100 each day, and no one wants to work with me because I'm the weird girl, it's so humiliating. I can't catch a break either as teachers aren't sympathetic to my struggles at all, I know they can help but they don't... I just want to get this over with but I'm starting to doubt that I'll ever finish my career and we're only 3 months into the first year out of four. I wish someone would help me out, I wish I could focus more, and I wish I could have it easy for once in my life. Even getting to this point was so damn hard for me, can't I just enjoy my life? Everyone else seems to be doing fine. I want to be like them.

My friend and landlord, Jeff, has always been close since we share a workplace and live next door to each other. We are both family men; Jeff has six children between the ages of five months and sixteen, whereas I have four, with the eldest being thirteen and the youngest at seven months. Recently, Jeff embarked on a full-scale renovation of his home, seeking my help in exchange for reducing my rent by $300 monthly. It seemed beneficial, so with my wife’s initial blessing, I started assisting him after work every day, except Sundays.

After work, I usually drop by my house to check on my wife and kids, then head to Jeff's place to lend a hand. The remodel includes updates to the living room, kitchen, two bedrooms, and the bathroom. About a week ago, however, tensions began to rise at home. My wife became unsettled after seeing me chat and laugh with Jeff's wife from our window. She felt neglected, accusing me of favoring the company of another woman. Despite my reassurances that there was nothing between Jeff's wife and me, my wife remained unconvinced. To avoid further conflict, I started avoiding eye contact whenever Jeff’s wife approached me, but this did little to alleviate my wife's distress. She refused to join me next door because she was uncomfortable around their poorly trained, overly energetic pitbull.

Matters escalated last Saturday when Jeff took a break to prepare dinner for his family, extending an invitation to me. After sharing a meal with them, I returned home to find my wife upset upon learning I had already eaten. She discarded the meal she had prepared for me and refused to converse with me for the remainder of the evening. The next day, during dinner, she pointedly mentioned there wasn’t enough food for me, suggesting I had plans to dine with Jeff’s family again. Her anger was palpable as she accused me of spending more time helping next door than at our home. Despite my attempts to explain that my interactions with Jeff’s wife were minimal and purely for assistance with chores, I awoke to discover that my wife and children had left, taking most of their belongings.

Feeling isolated, I reached out to my wife, only to receive cold responses disregarding my concern. Now, communication has ceased altogether, leaving me in a state of confusion and regret over the choices I made.

Imagine if this drama unfolded on a reality show, capturing each intense moment and confrontation. Viewers might rally behind my situation sympathetically or they might critique my obliviousness to my wife’s growing resentment. The dynamics of household and neighborly interactions would certainly keep an audience engaged, speculating on each character's next move and discussing the complexities of relationship trust and communication.

How should I address this mess with my wife effectively, considering the damage already done?

i have a friend who suddenly became really close with me. like, we're both to the point where we're both intensely codependent on the other. shes told me multiple times that im the only reason she's alive, she wants to help me, etc. but i can't just get myself to tell her anything. this whole thing has backfired because we argue so often and i end up apologizing like a little coward, but yesterday i finally broke and just yelled at her. cried, fought, got angry, the big schebang ykyk. i check her accounts on pinterest because vent accts are very popular nowadays, and the messages consist of "it was inevitable"/"I'm setting a [end it] date"/"you couldn't've stopped this." i dont know what to do because im scared of staying, i know she's manipulating me in some way, but i cant experience the same guilt i did when i was younger.

Hey guys, I’m 21M and something has been bothering me. It’s stressing me out to the point where I feel like I’m losing myself, even though I seem okay to people. I’m stressing about my future and life. I’m still dependent on my family, and I’ll be graduating next year (2018). That thought is making me depressed.

I wouldn’t say I’m bad at academics, but I never give it my all, and even though I manage okay, or some I know I could do better. I always tell myself that one day, at some moment or event, I’ll start giving my best(not only for academics but for my life) but while waiting for that moment, I feel like I’ve been drowning. Zoning out has become normal for me I can’t even fall asleep or walk without zoning out. If I start thinking about my life, I just get stressed.

What’s made this even worse is that I used to be religious I’d go to church, read the Bible... but now I don’t do any of that.

Am just clueless right now and had no reason that I pursue.I’m just here to ask you, what’s something that kept you working hard? What was the moment or reason that made you want to change or to want more in life?

Some days, I convince myself I’m fine that I’m exaggerating, that I’m seeking attention, that I should just be braver. Other days, the truth slips out quietly: I’m not okay.

Not broken.

Not hopeless.

Just not okay.

I’ve ignored that truth for a long time, hoping it would fade. It didn’t. It waited. And now it shows up in my body, in my sleep, in the days I can’t make myself go.

I don’t want to disappear from my life.

I don’t want anxiety to decide for me.

I just want someone even myself to believe that what I’m feeling is real, even if it doesn’t look dramatic from the outside.

Maybe this chapter isn’t about weakness at all.

Maybe it’s about how long I’ve been strong without being held.

I feel like love has knocked on my door. It seems like some stories are approved and published, while others aren't. I feel like I'm standing in front of the love of my life, the person I've loved the most for a very long time. I can't wait to be without her for one more minute. I can't stop thinking about her, and it's not in an unpleasant way, a back-and-forth, but quite the opposite. This time, I like the feeling I'm experiencing, and it's sensational. I also feel like it's two-way, not just a one-way thing. I feel like this time we're both on the same wavelength, not one going in one direction and then the other pulling, and so on. It's the best thing that could have happened to me in my life. I don't really like it when some stories are published and nothing is said about them, unlike others; it's like leaving aside things that are separate from one another, and it's not pleasant.

I want to be with that girl I met in that library. It's not a lie; I feel like we both love each other deeply. To hell with it, whether others believe me or not, to hell with the structures I have to break, I only want to be with that girl forever. I'm tired of so many failed attempts with girls, always ending at a distance. But how long will that end? For so long, I've been waiting for the doors of love to open before me. I can't waste it under any circumstances; this only happened to me once as a child, and now it's happening again; it's the same feeling.

I don't know where she is, not even her name, I just know that I love her deeply. I wish she could penetrate my WhatsApp—I feel like all my stories are equivalent to the same thing; I feel like every one you post, every one you comment on, every one you should let me know. I feel like love has finally come to me. How many years have I been searching for that feeling I felt as a child again? That's why I embarked on this personal journey again, because I felt it was there, just dormant. I can swear, I've found it again.

I can't let this girl leave my life under any circumstances. I couldn't handle that reality. Ever since I realized that girl loved me, but because she neglected her feelings, I couldn't be with her. It hurt so much. I'm exhausted from so many romantic disappointments. This has to be my chance. I pray that it is. I can't take another one. If it is, I feel like I'll go down the drain.

When I was a kid, I made so many mistakes with the girl with whom I felt that special something. I despaired. I broke up with her because of that, via Messenger message, precisely because of that, because I couldn't stand it anymore. I feel like it's been haunting me for the rest of my life. I was a kid too. From that moment on, I haven't had another girlfriend. I can't believe that right now I'm experiencing that same feeling of connection again, that same feeling of wanting to be together. From so much writing, from so much digging myself out, I managed to reach that possibility again, that I might experience something rich with someone, something pleasurable, something full of joy, not confusing, but rather euphoric.

How is it possible that in such vague encounters this girl and I have felt the same thing? It's simultaneous. Maybe I was wrong when I said that love existed—I feel like a woman's daughter isn't talking to me because I didn't look further; she's sort of directing that beyond; it's obvious she likes to be mischievous in terms of rebelling against her mother, but I wasn't going to do that. I feel like I do feel it here, I do experience it. When I left seeing this girl, I only felt joy and more joy, and I don't know why; I think I've only seen her twice, and it was by accident. I don't even know what she studies, or anything about her life, I just knew that I loved her. It can't be, this seems to be, what they call love at first sight.

Damn! I feel very excited—on another website, these kinds of stories were deleted, and I didn't understand why. I never thought I'd experience this love at first sight thing. I mean, with that girl, I was just being sketchy, the way she likes it, and that was it. Always remembering such an act of respect, which I know hurts when someone doesn't remember you. I feel like we somehow connected; I remember that wherever I was, she passed by me, and I looked at her many times, and then I realized how much it bothered her, and I bowed my head, just like she did, and we connected. I felt like we understood each other in a very, very deep way, and it's fascinating to find someone like that in this world.

I remember her carrying books, nervous, always trying to do her best. I couldn't get enough of her. I was in those shoes too. A few weeks later, going to the place—where he works, apparently sometimes—I identified the annoyance he felt about coming on a weekend, and I knew it immediately. I understood that annoyance, and also how hidden it was, and how naturally he expressed it. It felt like I'd found my soulmate a long time ago. I never thought anything would happen to me. It was a truly beautiful experience A week before, I remember, I was trying to get away from her. I always saw her looking for some scenario to start a relationship, and that was exactly what I did. Of course, that was something she didn't like when she saw it in someone else, just like me. I feel like we have these things in common, but there are several more. Where there's one, there's more. I definitely don't think about blaming a woman to get to her daughter; I know that was what she wanted with me, it was a counter to her daughter's pranks, which, apparently, isn't the first time she's tried to get rid of her.

After so much exploration, I saw that all those emotions were perhaps not what I thought they were. I admittedly let myself go. At first, I saw it as something grand, fantastic, phenomenal, but today I see it as something flat and relaxed. I thought I'd take her to the ends of the earth with all the luxuries, but I think I was a bit deluded. I hope that girl has settled down just like I have. Although, after falling into this lull, I confess, I don't know what to do. I thought there would be many more details, but I don't feel like I'm missing any.

So, after everything I've written, what did I feel? Indeed, we're talking about empathy, but that's not what I mean. What will I go beyond? Was this just a momentary joy? Will I never go out with her, and will it go any further? Will I then return to my boring old life? I don't see my life as a good thing right now, under any circumstances. I've already left there; I don't want to go back. I say it, truly, I want to be with this girl, I want to go out with her, and I don't think she'll take no for an answer. I know it's not right to be together, but how many times have I said that and realized there's no such love? How many heartbreaks have I had? I feel like this woman's daughter isn't talking to me because I didn't go further with her; Out of respect, and I feel like him distancing himself from me seems like a very toxic form of pressure. "When will I be with the new girl? When will I be with her?" "I feel like the thing with the girl didn't work out because I didn't want her, I didn't love her in any way; in fact, since I stopped trying with that girl, I feel like I'm no longer on the path to repeating my parents' story." "I feel like with this new girl, I'm heading towards a new story, a story where I'm finally with myself, where that's reflected."

I have to say it: I feel like I love this new girl, and that's it. However, I'm worried about making a mess, about the repercussions on my environment." "Another girl felt those feelings, and by becoming a mess with them, she lost me permanently; to the point that I had to permanently leave where I was so as not to feel her persecution. Plus, an entire environment supports her with the mess she'd turned her life into; how much damage can a person do when their life is about to fall on them or explode every now and then."

My wife, Eliza, and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary, and we're blessed with three loving kids. So far, none of them have their own smartphones, and about half a year ago, we gathered them to discuss safety tips, including what they should do if they ever found themselves in a pinch away from us. One vital piece of advice we agreed on was for them to memorize important phone numbers. To make it enjoyable for them, I introduced some flashcards with my number, Eliza's, and those of their grandparents. This memory game was quite effective for the kids.

During this exercise, it came to light that Eliza didn't know my number by heart, which troubled me. In fact, she seemed to have given up on memorizing numbers altogether due to reliance on her phone. When I insisted on the importance of knowing each other's numbers especially for emergencies, Eliza brushed off my concerns, claiming it as needless worrying. She even challenged me if I knew hers, which I did, along with several other family members'.

The importance of this knowledge was underscored a few weeks back. Eliza, who had attended a work function a good hour's drive from home, locked her purse—with her keys and phone inside—in her car. Stranded, she had to lean on a generous coworker who drove her home. We then had the entire family drive back with her to retrieve her locked-in items.

During our drive, the topic of her not knowing my phone number naturally came up. She admitted that if she had it memorized, I could have simply brought her spare keys, avoiding inconvenience for her coworker. The incident made her defensive, likely embarrassed, but I took it as a teaching moment. Reluctantly, Eliza agreed to memorize some numbers.

Given that we already had flashcards, I thought they would aid her as they had helped our children. Unfortunately, frustration ensued as all our kids, including our youngest at five, could easily recite the numbers while Eliza struggled. She proposed instead to pen down the numbers and store them in her purse, which I pointed out was futile if she were to lock it in her car again.

Eliza argued, claiming that memorization was outdated and unnecessary, convinced she could always "figure something out" during emergencies. I emphasized that such an approach was unacceptable for safety's sake. Our disagreement escalated, and she accused me of making a mountain out of a molehill and being overly forceful on the issue.

Had this scenario unfolded in a reality show, the deliberation over the importance of memorizing phone numbers could spiral into a full-blown drama-filled segment, with audiences possibly split. Viewers might engage deeply, debating whether the insistence on memorization is an overreaction or a prudent stand on safety. The emotional stakes would be high, showcasing vulnerability, frustration, and the dynamics of marital support up against technological dependency.

Long story short, I have an online friend whom I formed a very close bond with /p. We would talk almost everyday. A few months ago, she stopped talking to me, informing me that due to family emergencies, she is overwhelmed and needs some time by herself. I understood that and waited for her, even though, I felt very lonely. She came back for a very short time and then said she's becoming inactive again, due to more family emergencies happening. Again, I tried to understand.

She came back after her family emergencies were finally over. We started talking again, everything seemed to be back to the usual. Until 3 weeks ago, she said she needs to focus on her exams and I understood. I stopped talking in our private server altogether because that's what I always do whenever she's gone. When I trust someone, I tend to talk a lot. That's why I held myself back to not overwhelm her.

A few days after she said that, she came back, sending a voice message talking about a situation she told me before she went on a break/hiatus. But I wasn't home and I couldn't give her my full attention. So I decided to leave it for later and I forgot (For better or for worse). Then a few days *after* the VM, she messaged, saying she ruined one of her exams and she needs to delete Discord to "lock in".

When she first said that, I was very upset. Because like I said, I stopped talking to her to let her focus on her exams. I didn't want her to get distracted by my messages. I felt like she's saying it's my fault... Because I'm the person she talked to the most on Discord. Also, it begs the question what the heck was she doing when she first said she needs to focus on her exams? I thought that was her "locking in".

But also, the amount and the lengths of these breaks are getting ridiculous to me. She started talking to me only for a month (Maybe even less) before she disappeared again. I know you have to understand that your friends might need some alone time and that they're not available forever. But I'm genuinely starting to get scared :,).

The thing is, due to a lot of my past "friends" taking advantage of me, I've become very paranoid. The moment the smallest thing happens, I start to feel like that this friendship is over... I don't always talk about them to my friend because I know sometimes my thoughts are irrational. (I was paranoid even when she disappeared because of her family emergencies, which was a very valid and understanding reason :,).)

Another thing is I'm an only child and I generally grew up very lonely. So when I feel attached to someone, it's hard to let go. I'm not saying this to garner sympathy. I'm just explaining why all of this is making me panic and why my attachment to my friends can get in the way.

Seeing that the number and length of her breaks are becoming longer, I feel terrified... This particular friend feels special to me because not only she fuels my artistic side, she also has been the most understanding and supportive friend I had...

I'm not saying I don't have friends outside of social media. It's just I just found new friends after moving back to my hometown and it will take a while for me to trust them and talk to them the same way I talk to this friend. So it feels really lonely for me right now...

It's not that I'm not busy at all, I'm probably more busy than my friend because aside from classes and studying, I also have a part-time job and my university's Psychology Association. But whenever I have free time and I check Discord and when I see our private server being inactive, it really hurts...

But I still feel selfish for feeling this way... I know I should be supportive and understand my friend no matter what and not always think about my own benefits. But it feels a bit tiring to wait for so long for your friend to start talking to you again, only for your friend to disappear again.

During her hiatuses, we would sometimes send Reels to each other that were like "Thank you for being my friend!" "I'm proud of you!" and these days when I send one, she either doesn't open my DM's despite occasionally posting on her Stories, or takes forever to leave a reaction or something. She also stopped sending me any, which really breaks my heart... (Yes, she hasn't deleted Instagram. An app that is arguably more distracting than Discord...)

The other sad part is that her birthday is coming *somewhat* soon and I wanted to be next to her to celebrate. I was planning on doing a simple drawing of her OC to celebrate, maybe even VC and talk about stuff. But I have a feeling it won't get acknowledged just like the Reels...

I'm sorry I know I sound selfish and petty through this. I don't know what to do. I really miss my friend. But I'm starting to feel like maybe our friendship won't work anymore... Because I feel like after starting to talk to each other, she's gonna disappear again and I can't take it anymore. It hurts so much that I can't help but feel upset. It kind of makes me not want to talk to her if she came back... My paranoid side feels like she's found new friends and that's why she's become comfortable with leaving me behind. I'm not saying it's bad to have other friends. I'm saying I think I'm being replaced...

I'm sorry again. I feel really pessimistic about this, even when I try to not judge quickly and be understanding. If anyone has any advice for me to cope with this, I'd appreciate it.