Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

(friend list follows: Katy, Amy, Barley, Harley, Ella, Will, JJ, Tasha, Mindy)

So more friendgroup stuff.

I sit at a table with Amy, JJ, Mindy, Will, Katy, and one of Mindy's friends. Tasha, Harley, and Barley all sit at their own table. I'm still technically friends with Barley, we still talk and vibe yk, but I don't talk to Tasha and Harley as much as I used to. Tasha, Amy, and Mindy are all dating eachother.

In the mornings, we have morning holding. Everyone who doesn't go to breakfast goes to the gym and we sit with our grade levels and socialize until we go to class. When I get to the gym, usually Barley's there already. (Amy, Tasha, JJ, and Mindy all go to breakfast.) Ella arrives later as does Harley. Katy enters the gym at the same time I do.

If Barley's already there, we talk yk, we vibe just like normal. But then, when Harley arrives, and I've become used to this, I become invisible. If I was sitting next to Barley, I move up and sit next to Katy, or sometimes Ella if Katy's not there that day, or I just move and sit alone if neither of them are there. Even though I'm used to disappearing, it still feels not too good.

At lunch, you know the seating arrangement. The seats aren't the same two weeks in a row usually. But Amy always, and I mean ALWAYS sits between JJ and Mindy. I sit next to Katy. Will's new-ish (he was homeschooled, then came back to actual school), so he doesn't really have a set place. I vibe with JJ, Amy, Katy, and Will. I don't talk to Mindy's friend. And I feel like Mindy hates my guts for whatever reason. She doesn't even ever glance my way during lunch, not once the whole lunch period.

JJ and Amy are OBSESSED with Genshin Impact. Once they start talking about it, everyone around it is gone in a puff of smoke. And by everyone, usually just me. They still talk with Will and Mindy, just about Genshin. Me and Katy, who don't play Genshin, are left on the outside. Yeah, we all have common interests, like K-pop and Alien Stage, but Genshin tends to take over sometimes.

Ella's pretty chill. We vibe. We have our inside jokes. "CaN i PeT tHaT dAaAwWwG??" "diD You WaSH yO AsS ToDAY??" but she sits at her lunch table with her friend group.

Harley sometimes will turn and talk to Amy. Then they'll turn back to her own table and start talking to Tasha and Barley again. (they use she/they pronouns so I'm tryna use a mix of them lol). Tasha and I don't talk. Not much, anyway.

Me, Barley, and Tasha are all in band together, but Barley's not continuing next year and Tasha is changing schools.

Sometimes, Amy and JJ forget that I exist at all. I wait for them at class change so we can walk together, but still they sometimes don't talk to me. And they usually never wait for me when I get out of class after they do. Amy waits for Mindy and that's all.

More on Mindy: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HATES ME. No idea! At all. She doesn't look at me, doesn't talk to me, doesn't associate with me.

I'm just getting very sick of my friend group. I'm done with being invisible, done with Mindy hating me for no reason, done with the people who stop talking to me when one specific friend is around. I'm done. And idk what to do because I don't want to ditch them all and be alone, because we're literally a friend group of the outcasts of our grade. But what do you do when you're an outsider in a group of outsiders?

Did i say those things bc i was pissed? Yeah. Should've i kept my mouth shut to make the morning somewhat tollerable. Maybe. But am i Sorry? No absolutely. I honestly figured saying those things would trygger a fight. But honestly? I don't care. She makes sure every single day is shitty for me. She deserves a taste of her own medicine. And i didn't even say half of the things she does to me. I didn't scream or insult her or threaten to hurt her the way she does to me every single time she has a general minor inconvience. If i have a stay silent while she takes out her anger on me, bc the weather isn't to her liking then she can stand a bad morning cause i called her out on her bs. Also i love that whenever i do call her out she starts screaming about how good she's been and tells every single thing she's ever done for me. Except she doesn't mention how she never even wanted me around, openly said how much she disliked me and insulted me on a Daily basis. Or how she always made every single thing about her. Or how, when i dark spot, could barely sleep at night a barely get through the day, and i was activily asking for help fir over 6 YEARS, She either blamed on the weather and ignored or Just straight up told me to "men up" and that i was being drammatic. This week She has been yelling at me chewing me out the whole week non stop for everything and just expects me to stay silent and take It. She blamed for something I DIDN'T EVEN DO BC I WASN'T EVEN THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED. IT HAPPENED BC OF HER OWN STUPIDITY and somehow i came back home and It was my fault.

My mom recently told me to “save myself” and get out of my relationship — essentially, to run. Ever since, I can’t stop thinking about it.

My partner and I have been together for just over 4 years. He proposed about a year ago. We’ve had highs and lows, but now I’m wondering if the bad outweighs the good.

He has long-standing mental health struggles: specifically, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Complex PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He’s been slowly learning to manage them better. And to be clear, I don’t think mental illness excuses poor behavior, but I do believe it adds context.

I also have my own issues — I have an anxious attachment style, and while I’ve never been formally diagnosed with anything else, I know I carry some of my own trauma.

My mom knows about some of the incidents we’ve gone through. Sometimes, when he’s triggered or overwhelmed, he shifts into a cold, mean, and distant version of himself. He feels like a different person — which makes sense, given the DID. I try my best to support him and stay patient, but when these episodes last for days, it really affects me. I stop feeling loved or even seen.

He also sometimes talks to new people — sometimes romantically, sometimes not. We’ve had an open relationship on and off because his personality changes have made consistent boundaries complicated. But it’s hard not to feel insecure or like I’m being replaced, even though he says he loves me deeply and always will.

When he shuts down, he leaves. He won’t respond to texts or calls for hours or whole evenings. During the worst of these, I’ve called my mom in tears. Once, I asked him about someone he was messaging, and he exploded. He called me stupid, said I wasn’t “evolved enough” for him, and that he needed someone who trusts and motivates him. That crushed me — I was only asking for reassurance.

After these moments, he usually comes back, apologizes, and says he’s working on changing. He’s loving again, and we go back to “normal.” But it’s a cycle. The dark side always returns.

My mom thinks this is manipulation. She says he’s using me — I pay for most of our life right now, since he’s in school. She believes he apologizes just enough to keep me around because I support him financially and emotionally. She hasn’t seen the best parts of him… but she also hasn’t seen the worst. And if she knew everything, I think she’d try to physically get me out of here.

So now I’m left wondering:

• Is he being emotionally manipulative and possibly abusive?

• Or is this just a deeply broken person doing his best and deserving patience?

• Is my mom being overprotective, or is she seeing something I’ve been too close to recognize?

I’m stuck between wanting to support the person I love and wondering if staying means abandoning myself. What would you do?

Hey! It's Caralia. So if you've read Caralia and Luna part 2, you have the full story. This is NOT a continuation of that story. Go check that out, anyways!

So, as we previously know, Jaylen was part of the same friend group as Willow (girl that bullied me). btw, Willow went back to the original friend group she was talking mess about. Jaylen was telling me what happened yesterday, and it went something like this.

Jaylen texted that she was kinda friends with a controversial person Ria in a group chat with Willow and friends > The entire group was shocked, but quiet about opinions. > The following day at lunchtime, Jaylen was talking to Willow and friends and said that she was cool with Ria, but not completely friends > Willow was overreacting, jumping around, and yelling all about Jaylen's a traitor, a liar, and completely judging Jaylen for having separate friends. > Jaylen tries to handle it respectfully

As Jaylen was telling me, many people in that group chat started avoiding Jaylen, and Jaylen is going to confront Willow. STAY UPDATED!!

Last thing, thanks for reading. If you don't want to write a comment, vote in poll.

Just to vent lol. Read if you wish. But i would.like your opinion if you can.

Everytime a relative or a cousin goes through their last year of high-school or entrance exam, my mum needs to bring up how I did badly in them, which tbh was not even that bad. I scored 90% in school but that's "bad" compared to what they were expecting. We are indians for some context. I am literally in 3rd yr of uni but my mom keeps bringing it up.

Because I did my high-school during covid and it was all online, I couldn't keep up with it and the pressure was insane that I just stopped studying. I lived with them and honestly I was so tired everyday. Ofcourse you couldn't really "see" anything, I acted like I was studying while I cheated on every internal exam because she kept asking to see the rank. It got so worse that everyday I would go to sleep hoping to not wake up the next day. I had 0 positivity towards life and I just wouldn't do anything. I only decided to start studying like the last 2 months of high-school which was why I have the marks I have but obviously couldn't get the entrance.

Now my cousin is going to take the exam and their parents have no expectations on her. I told my parents that my cousin can score more than what her parents expect because its not that hard. Obviously my mistake.

Then they asked me why I couldn't get it then since they sent me for special coaching and everything. I said I was a different case and I was too homesick [literally the first thing that came to my head cuz I did live like 6 months in the last year of high-school at a relatives house and this was also one of the factors].

Her immediate response was to laugh and then say it was not true. Then she asked if so, why I wasn't homesick when I went to uni or what happened in the year I was home when I lived with them.

I refused to tell her and she just believes that I just wasted time because I spent all my time watching movies.

I dont want to open this can of worms and tell her how pressured I was to get a good score thst I completely stopped studying and has been passively suicidal since then. Not one day since my high-school have I woken up thinking today will be a good day or I am happy to live today.

I have my happy moments and I don't show it a lot obviously but not a day passes by where I wish my life will have a stop hahah

But ik that if I tell her this she will just laugh at me call me weak willed or that I am acting.

I dont want to tell them the real reason cuz i don't want to put them through that but honestly she will never even understand it. Anytime I try to tell anything she just shut me down and act like I am just over reacting and it doesn't exist. Then she has the audacity to ask why I never told her these things.

Like yes, u put so much pressure on your child they wished they did not live a single day extra and you want them to come tell you this so you can laugh in their face and shut down their feelings?

Bohoo cry me a river

I'm struggling through a break up. It was a three year a relationship with someone I thought I was going to marry and have a future with. We decided to remain friends because we still love and want each other in our lives, even if it means transitioning into a friendship. We are currently going through a period of no-contact to give ourselves a grace period before we try to make a friendship work. It's been hard. Although I love the freedom and flexibility I now have, thinking about them moving on and trying to move on myself hasn't been easy. I've been struggling physically and mentally. It's been affecting my work, not by much, but I do see myself making mistakes and slowing down drastically in terms of work ethic. I know this is for the better, but I still get moments of wishing I could go back and crying over this. It doesn't help that they make it look like they're having an easier time transitioning through this. I know that's such a selfish assumption and people grieve differently but I guess there's a part of me that feels like I'm the only one struggling. I don't know what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to get back on my feet at work and pushing through with enrollments for my master's degree. I'm scared I won't find love anymore after this, and honestly I don't know if I can do anything better than what I had with them. I'm just not doing so great. Unlike my other breakups though, this one has no hatred or anger involved, it's just the yearning and mourning over something I was building my life for. I don't know how to go on... I mean, I'm trying my best but I don't know...

I used to believe that after my skin were nothing, hollow and I wanted to tear my skin out just to see if there were nothing or not, it wasn't really an utter belief but like 99% of it. I still believe it sometime, this skin doesnt feel human, they're not, too artificial to be one, im not human, but not a robot, im a doll, I act like one, its loose once you observe it. Slack if you notice. My mind is not of my own, it whisper to me with a languange i know and dont know, I have to decode quickly to understand. This body is clay, its not human, this body is a doll, its not a human, everybody feels like a doll but logic says differently but I dont believe what they say until I see the flesh, I NEED to see the crimson to believe it, will i? Or will I think its fake again? My "loved one" faces are different, distant and artificial, theyre not them, theyre not people I know. Observing further for more than 3 seconds break my perception of such experience, something beyond my consciousness is controlling how I see things, they want me to think that its them when its not, you can clearly see it, its so obvious! Yet I pretend to act for them, theres no believer here, only the theatre remained, the voice is like a machine repeating words my loved one said, the movement is too doll like to be an actual human, an animal doesnt move like that, i know that for sure! They move freely but my loved one does not? Its weird. The face, its like the fabric felt, its inhumane, everybody else doesnt have that, just my loved one, theyre not them. Somebody is trying to trick me, somebody not human, is it God? God won't do this right? Of course mercy is not bestowed upon me, but one will not give much more suffering right? I, am a sinner after all, yet I believe him, is that not enough? Is anything I do not enough? Everything i do is nonsense, my belief is just not enough for God to give me such presents. Surely, only the sinner will get such suffering, such immeasurable test are not for the loyal are they or does God think I can withstand such torment? Does he want me to bite my flesh off? See my own blood to see whether im genuinely human or not? Is it that? But the knife are scary, I cant even cut vegetables! Im scared but why such torment are to be upon me? There's no others reason except of insanity. The ringing calls me to do it, this body is not mine to control, i cannot do it, something preventing so, is it want to live? Is it not? You too shall question that should you but you dont, why be silent all of the sudden? You always talk in language I cant comprehend, or rather im not hearing you at all? How do I explain this in text? Another voice but incomprehensible unless I hear it yes! A subtle ringing in my ears, tell me opinion, debate with me, and sometime get loud, its clearly just thoughts, like im debating myself! Im not hearing things! Its only the conciousness beyond me, beyond my understanding of normality that tell me do so! And how coud i say no? Its going internally, its clearly not a hallucination!How long was it again 1 month? 2? 3? I don't remember the feeling of wanting to tore my skin off to prove to myself, an urge thats only controlled by distraction, incredible that I have stayed for that long without a scar is it not? Its coming back to me how strong that belief was, I still am in string with it, its not thoughts of 24/7 no but this skin is not what it is, its not biological, you cannot tell me it is, you think i havent tried grounding before? I have, i have, i have, nothing work and really what's the point? Does it matter really, I'll still be "alive" dont worry! Once I try you'll see there's nothing behind it, it act like plastic, is it supposed to be? I think so, im only using my fingers, theres no harm in doing so is it? There's nothing behind it, no blood so why would it damage such body? It may hurt, of course it would. I just taken my antiphyschotic after writing this.

You know. I have believed my attempt worked before too and this is all just purgatory. But that one was less convincing, the body part was really convincing though. The mirror me is different, im looking at stranger, THATS NOT ME, cant you see that? Look at it! The face is not even mine, that body is not mine, its a complete stranger i dont know. seometime i feel like the ringing might be God telling me to rip my skin off to see how he has made me as a sinner, he has me plastic because of my sins cant you see that? The ringing tell

me to end myself, i have indulged in too much sins they say.

It somehow comforted me, the question has been answered, I can lay in peace but can I?

God hasn't confirmed that ill lay as dirt, I'll do his command once I have confirmation

September 13

I feel like every guy that i talk to see me as like their last option.I mean i do not have any complaints about my looks or anything but idk why sometimes i feel desperate for pure love and affection and nobody has ever looked at me in that way even tho i feel like im averagely pretty idk.

so this morning in the hall on my way to Band class, a friend of mine passed, one of the Special Ed kids. Usually he just waves at me, and I smile and wave back, but today he said, "Can I have a hug?" And I said, "Sure!" and that was hours ago and I'm still smiling. That little interaction made my day a little better :D

here's your reminder that even the smallest of things, a little smile, a hug, even a compliment can brighten someone's day just a little!

IDK WHAT CATEGORY TO PUT

I have a fetish where I am attracted to (extremely) large individuals. I don't know how I got it, or why I have it; it's just stuck with me, and I hate it. It doesn't let me be attracted to a normal, healthy person and I hate myself for allowing it. Here's the main issue. For most people, they can draw art of this, rp, talk about it, etc, bc they're adults.

I'm not. I'm only 14. Almost every server I've tried to get on to is labeled 18+ in some way. l've tried to be sneaky and apply to a few while lying about my age, but they always find out. In the few servers where I am allowed, it is still mostly adults; making me feel very uncomfortable talking to them at all. I feel alone, because there's no one to help me, or at least live with it alongside me, my age. I’m tired of having something I cannot control define who I am.

so my mom just got my report card and shes grounded me (I'm writing this on my school computer) wanna know why she grounded me? because I have 3 C's. shes being so irrational and stupid about it, it makes me want to bash her head into a wall and hope that it changes her stupid ways of thinking. She hit me so bad I cant feel my face or my finger tips. I also cant feel half of my head because she pulled my hair too hard and i feel like my skull is throbbing. she wont even let me go to the bathroom because shes forcing me to work my ass off on those assignments I have low grades on. I want this to end. I want her to end. I want her to stop thinking the way she does. I just want my phone back. I want a break. She acts like if I have low grades in ONE class the world is ending. She acts if there's a fucking atomic bomb dropping right on our doorstep because the FBI found out I had 3 still PASSING grades in my classes. The universe is HUGE and my grades are either just pixelated letters on a screen or a few strokes of ink on a piece of paper. This is also my teachher's faults. I submitted an assignment a few minutes late and she decides to give it a zero, despite the work being correct. That specific teacher's zeros are worth SOOOO much and they can so easily bring my grade down from an A to a D. Im afraid shes gonna go through my phone and find my private stuff. My conversations with my friends, my photos, and anything else. Those are relatively fine but I have an ai app on my phone and THAT is what I'm most scared of her finding. I know my limbs would be severed off one by one if she finds it. I just want this to end. I wish teachers weren't so strict with their grading and that they give you second chances.

One day online I met a boy 13 year old me didn’t think anything of it we turned into really good friends then he asked me out I said “yes” because I liked him to the older we got the more off and on we became but we never fought or argued we just wanted to experiment other people I didn’t have a problem with it because we made a promise to eachother that we will always find a way back to eachother and get married and have kids things like that he was my first everything even though I seen him many times anytime I seen him it felt like the first time i couldn’t help but get shy everytime. As time passed by we got older we didn’t talk for a couple months because he got a girlfriend I respected it so it didn’t bother me one random day I got a FaceTime call from a number I didn’t have saved or didn’t recognize it was him we didn’t speak for 6 months and suddenly he calls it was like a dream kind of we laughed and talked he wanted to meet and he told me how much he missed me how could he miss me but he was still with her it didn’t make sense I brushed it off later that day I made an excuse to get off the phone.A couple hours passed and he texted me with a paragraph saying how he messed up and he’s sorry and he thinks we should be together when we are older or just stay how we are he said that he loves me but he loves his girlfriend too I responded “if you loved her you wouldn’t be texting me” he replied and said “your right but you’ve been there through everything at my lowest you were there I’m gonna always have love for you “ I replied “im confused what’s wrong why are you acting like this “ he replied “you wouldn’t understand I’m not gonna give up on us even if you do I’m so sorry” I started to get angry because nothing was making sense I replied “what do you think I am huh I’m tired of being everyones second option I’m not doing it you love her stay with her don’t text or call me “ he replied “how could you be my second option if you were my first choice “ I replied “if you were for me there wouldn’t be any choices” he replied “you fuck it up for us not just you me too we both did everytime we got together it was right person wrong timing that’s why I’m in this situation I’m in because we couldn’t get the timing right” he typed “let’s talk on Wednesday please “ I replied “okay”

He replied “I love you “

I replied “ I love you most”

The next day he texted me “Goodmoring text me when you wake up “

I texted back that I was up

Hours went by no reply

Then I sent a text at 7:34 pm

Didn’t go through

I turned to my sister and asked if I could use her phone I typed his number in her phone and sent a text

It went through

I sent another text

“Why did you block me ?”

He read it

I hear my phone “DING DING DING”

I go to grab my phone he unblocked me and said “can you just leave me alone you said to stop texting you and to leave you alone that’s what I’m doing “

“Did you text my girlfriend ?“

“Just let me be happy stop tryna ruin my relationship “

Tears form up in my eyes I didn’t understand why I replied “I didn’t text anyone “

3 days passed a notification popped up someone requested my account I requested there’s back boom I’m accepted I click on there story ……. My stomach started to turn my eyes felt like they were on fire it was his girlfriend posted him and her but that’s not only it her 3 highlight was a picture and in the picture there was a baby his girlfriend was 6 months pregnant it all started to make sense now I didn’t know what to do it’s not like I could do anything all I did was cry and cry I had to accept another women’s baby will have the eyes of my first love the eyes that 13 year old me looked into maybe in another life He didn’t break our promise .

I should start by saying I have kids. I am extremely grateful for that. Tonight I’m just thinking about all the stuff I’ve sat on for 3+ years from my babies because I pictured myself so actively watching other peoples kids and raising them with my own. But no one asks me to babysit or brings their kids here. Just makes me sad. I have a bottle & sippy, snack cups, a high chair, a play chair, a bouncer, a play pen, a changing mattress, a bassinet, an extra car seat even. Literally “just in case” and there’s never an “in case” from the people in my circle. I’ve always been the “lady that’s good with kids” my entire adult life.. I worked with kids for years before changing careers. People used to ask me to babysit constantly before I had my own. It’s just weird being at this point and always picturing myself being the mom with all the kids at her house but all the kids are just mine. I know it’s probably something stupid to be sad about, but I can’t help it when I see the stuff in the back of the cabinet. I know people probably just assume I don't want more kids here on top of my 3. I have twins in preschool and my oldest is less than 2 years older… but I wish they would just ask anyway.

man, i dont even kno what to say. like seriously, nothing matters anymore. i wake up, i do what i gotta do, i go to sleep, repeat. its all the same, every day. nuthing exciting, nuthing different, just the same boring ass life over and over. people talk about goals n dreams n all that bs but like, what for?? u work ur ass off just to be tired, just to pay bills, just to end up at the same place. so why even bother. i tried to care, i really did. but caring just make things worse bc u get disapointed, u get hurt, u get stress over things that probly dont even matter in the long run. so i stopped. now i just do what i need to do to get thru the day, nothing more, nothing less.

ppl say oh u just need to find somthing u love but what if i dont love anything. like fr, theres nothing that make me wanna get up in the morning. job? boring. school? waste of time. hobbies?? dont even have those anymore. use to try stuff, sports, music, even stupid things like learning to cook or whatever, but i sucked at all of it so whats the point. why keep trying when u kno u gonna fail. and dont even tell me "just work harder," bc working harder dont mean sh*t if u have no talent in the first place. so yeah, i gave up. not like in a dramatic way, just like, i dont put energy into anything anymore.

i see ppl all excited about stuff, making plans, talking about there future like they actually got things figured out. good for them i guess. but i dont see that happening for me. future just seem like a long ass road of more of the same bs. wake up, work, sleep, repeat. its like life is some game i never wanted to play but im stuck here anyway. so now i just stoped pretending. stoped acting like i care when i really dont. maybe one day somthing will change, maybe not. honestly? dont care either way.

This is really dumb. I played a game before covid and throughout it and it helped me a lot. I’m on ft rn with my boyfriend (who is very supportive and sweet) but is playing a new game which is just like the old one (you probably can guess) and I mentioned it and he basically said it sucked. I said it was a game I loved and he just kinda tore it down which was new. Idk maybe I’m just reading in to much and I’ve been very emotional due to birth control lmao