Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Every morning, I wake up with the same thoughts swirling around in my mind. I drag myself out of bed, caught in the battle between wanting to feel good about myself and being overwhelmed by a sense of inadequacy. I walk to the bathroom, avoid looking in the mirror, afraid that this reflection will echo the familiar voice doubting me—“You don’t fit into those jeans anymore, do you?” “How did you end up here?” I know I’m not technically “overweight” according to the BMI charts or what society deems as the standard, but God, do I feel heavy. It seems every little thing weighs me down. I don’t understand; I eat relatively well, have an exercise routine, and yet my mind still holds onto the narrative that I’m not enough, that I’m not the fit and vibrant version of myself that I used to be.

The kicker? Social media. I scroll through impossibly perfect images of other women who seem to have it all figured out—gorgeous outfits, flawless skin, flawless abs. Meanwhile, I’m over here in sweatpants, scrolling through my feed at 11 p.m., munching on a bag of chips. I know rationally that these posts don't reflect reality, but I can't help but measure myself against them. Every “like” I didn’t get feels like a reminder that I’m somehow less desirable or less worthy. Sometimes, I find myself wondering, do other women feel this way? Am I alone in thinking I should look like that, feeling this constant sense of dissatisfaction with my appearance? It’s exhausting. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but the feeling keeps creeping back in—an unwelcome visitor that never really leaves. In those quiet moments before sleep tugs me under, I find myself asking, why do I feel fat? Am I simply a victim of society's skewed standards, or is this really about something deeper within me?

I feel like I'll never see her again, and it seems unfair because we didn't experience many things. She simply said she didn't want to talk, despite reaching out after I acted a priori regarding my mental health. These are things she supports, however, it seems that when it comes to causing the damage, things change.

I was willing to rebuild us, without further complications. Indeed, I could have caused more damage, but I was willing to face it. She observed that I was afraid of her reactions, precisely because of what I would do with them. Without a doubt, I went to the services of the institution where she worked, but she had no other choice.

The scandal that girl caused was monumental. I can't pretend to be ironclad all the time. I don't know if she is used to submissive treatment in circumstances like these or if her environment is, but I definitely am not. I don't like being at the mercy of the aftermath, drowning in silence.

Such an act as hers ultimately implied a failure to manage her whims, to a certain extent a definitive abandonment. It's feeling that after what she did and provoked in me, she simply ran away from me, though not for any reason of her own. It's watching our relationship fracture precisely because of her, even though she was the one who had caused it.

We can safely say that she left me. Friends, boyfriends, she ultimately remains indifferent. Indeed, I felt it was unfair. I must admit that as time went by, I began to notice that she wanted to make less of a contribution to the efforts our relationship entailed, amidst her other relationships. Without a doubt, she succumbed to these latter, to the point of even relying on them to make herself less responsible for her role in our relationship. They even intervened.

It must be said, for my part, in that relationship, I was at a level of commitment, more so than accepting it as a zone of tranquility. That commitment consisted of ensuring that the relationship maintained agreements by guiding us through it, respecting the freedom with which we arrived and continuing to be in it. I didn't see beyond that because that wasn't my goal, but that doesn't mean I missed something amidst those details I discarded to focus on that goal.

At this moment, I don't know where she is, or even if it's worth searching for her. After all, if she's not willing to do something about her reactions, if she's not willing to surrender to the increasing magnitude of them, then it makes sense to face a beginning that would end in the same fate, another abandonment. It's curious, but the last time we saw each other, she didn't set a date for the end of this phase between us. However, we would fall back into the same cycle.

I'm not even sorry that I should continue waiting for her, as it would be another way of beginning and ending with the same outcome, assuming she still maintains the same relationships that included the one she had with me. Otherwise, we could indeed observe a level of commitment, as she doesn't retain the possibility of escape with others, and is supported by them as well. However, this would consist of the cessation of relationships with her surroundings, which, given this abandonment, must result in a strengthening of cohesion, also given by protection amid the circumstances experienced between the next-to-last and last time I saw her.

I feel no hope of seeing her again, and it's definitive. It would be a highly probable path to frustration to assume that adverse conditions existed. Despite everything, I feel there's something I'm omitting, I have to admit.

At the age of 24, I found myself in an awkward position with my brother's then-girlfried, whom I initially embraced like a sister. She joined us on family vacations and integrated seamlessly into our circle. When my brother, who was 30 at the time, asked her to marry him, I was excited to be chosen as a bridesmaid. At 21, I shared a place with a roommate and didn’t have much financial leeway. My mom had graciously offered to cover any of my expenses for the wedding. Initially, my sister-in-law had promised to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses, but as wedding plans progressed, she unexpectedly sent over details which included the costs for us to cover, along with an expensive bachelorette party plan.

After sharing these details with my mom, she confronted my sister-in-law since we had proof of her initial offer to pay for the dresses, which she denied. Given the financial strain, I made the tough decision to step down as bridesmaid, and I wasn’t alone; all but her sister made the same choice eventually.

My relationship with my sister-in-law grew tense following the incident. Her interactions became blunt and uncomfortable during her visits. Recently, when my mom, who’s been battling menopause symptoms, prepared a lavish meal during one of their visits, my sister-in-law found reasons to complain yet again. Upon their departure, she expressed her annoyance over not being included in our family photo frame – even though I hadn’t even included myself. After some heated words, relationships cooled significantly.

This incident led to a brief period where no one communicated until my mom reached out to mend fences. Despite her efforts, my sister-in-law's demeanor remained cold and dismissive. I’ve since decided to limit my interaction to sending gifts to my niece, relying on my mother for any updates. It’s painful missing out on family moments, but the emotional toll was too heavy.

Honestly, if this drama unfolded on a reality TV show, I wonder how people would react to seeing it all play out on screen. Would they see the situation from my perspective, or judge me for pulling back from family ties? I can imagine the intense discussions and polarized opinions amongst viewers, dissecting every look and decision.

i dont really have anyone to tell this to, since i dont have a partner and my one friend i could talk to about this...would not like to hear this. im just throwing this out into the void. hopefully no one will ever know its me.

recently, ive had this bout of depression. i know i know, everyone has that from time to time, ive had it my whole life. but this one just seems to hit deep for some reason. ive felt nothing but extreme loneliness since mid-late 2024 (and further...it just got stronger during those months). i got cheated on, left a toxic relationship with two of my best friends, and my old highschool friends? i just dont relate to them or talk to them anymore. my best friend, whos like my platonic-soulmate, has their own shit and love life to deal with. i used to talk to them about this love-life lonely bullshit a long time ago but they told me they didnt wanna hear it since (at the time) they were single and it annoyed them, so i stopped telling them anything related to it permanently, alongside other feelings stuff. not in a petty way but i just dont want to burden anyone. im mentioning this because im on a trip with them right now, and i really wish i wasnt. i have to hear them talk to their girlfriend a lot and all that other mushy shit, and im happy for them! i just wish i didnt have to be near it. obviously ill let them call in front of me and do all that because durrr theyre my friend, they can do whatever. im glad they finally got their first relationship. it just sucks because i really want to be home by myself to cry because i cant cry in front of them or else theyll ask whats wrong and they obviously wont like what i have to talk about and probably say something rude about "imagine how i felt" or some shit. i feel like im not allowed to feel bad about this since theyve been single longer than me or whatever.

i just feel super lonely and suicidal. i cant talk to them about it because "oh youve been in more relationships then ive ever been blah blah"...but they all ended badly. weird high school shit, being assaulted and weird sexual shit happened to me that i dont want to delve into, cheating, being thrown to the side....i dont think im a victim, i think i just have had a bad luck streak. i wont go too into detail. im in my 20s now and being single is fine, i just wish i had someone who genuinely loved me (and ill love them too! Two-way street, obviously) . no cheating or sexual shit or any weird stalker bullshit. im so tired of it. dating apps suck since ive only ever dated friends/people im close to and its hard to get that with people u just met on an app, and where i live theres not many queer people...it especially sucks because im lowkey ugly? i dont need pity for it and im not trying to fish for compliments, ive just accepted it at this point. being lowkey weird with gender, being ugly, autistic, and looking like a teenage boy makes finding love (platonic or romantic) hard.

not only that, but schooling stress and love life stress also pile onto the fact that like...the only people i could talk to at this point are my parents and even then i CANT because theyre conservative and ive lived a double life hiding all this gender and love life bullshit from them. they wouldnt understand and id probably be kicked out. i want to tell them so bad, but theyre so brainwashed. i want to cry into my moms arms about my frustrations of love and gender and tell her all the bad things ive been hiding for the past decade. but i cant. i have no one i can talk to. i try to download dating apps to make friends or do hookups but it never makes it past the awkward small talk phase. i do try, i really do. i just feel like ill keep constantly chasing this quick friendship making thing to fill the void but it never works. i stopped doing it but i always have the urge to redownload those apps and try again. hell, ive even been thinking about hitting up old exes and shitty friends just to feel something/HAVE someone.

im delving into books and science more and stuff i love. school is doing fine and im happy about what i want to do...so i have that part somewhat figured out. but the other shit? yea ive given up at this point. ive settled for just crying myself to sleep, drinking, and indulging in drugs to try and feel less lonely. getting into hobbies like costume making would be nice, but i dont have the money for a sewing machine lmfao.

maybe if i just cave in and tell my parents everything, that weight will be lifted off my shoulders and maybe ill feel a little more resolved/less lonely? i dont know.

im sitting near my one friend typing this. id rather make a long ass message on a stupid anonymous board then talk to them about anything. and before yall comment YES i recently got a therapist, and it helps! another person to talk to, but its not a real friendship yknow? and ik some people will probably be like "oh ill be ur friend!" but its like...awkward and probably wont make it out of this message board yknow? plus, i crave irl friendships...idk. i appreciate the sentiment though. people online can be really sweet! i just really want to hang with people irl, ive had enough of online shenanigans, haha....

if you read all this uhhhhhh congrats, have a gold star. i hope you have a nice day/night wherever you are!

I always thought I’d be ready for this moment. I mean, isn’t that what parenting is all about? You raise your kids to be independent, to go out into the world and make their own lives. But now that it’s actually happened, I feel so... lost. The empty nest isn’t what I expected at all.

Last month, our youngest moved out to start college. The house feels so quiet now, almost like it’s holding its breath. For years, it was filled with laughter, noise, and the constant chaos of a busy family. Now, it’s just me and my husband, and we don’t really know what to do with ourselves. We used to joke about all the free time we’d have once the kids were gone, but the silence is... unsettling.

I find myself wandering into their rooms, staring at the posters on the walls, and wondering how time flew by so quickly. It feels like just yesterday I was helping them with homework, driving them to soccer practice, or staying up late to make sure they got home safe from a night out. Now, they’re off living their lives, and I’m stuck here trying to figure out what mine looks like without them in it every day.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m proud of them. So proud. They’re doing amazing things, and I know this is how it’s supposed to be. But I didn’t realize how much of my identity was tied up in being a mom. Now that they don’t need me the same way, I’m struggling to figure out who I am outside of that role.

Everyone keeps saying I should take this time to focus on myself, pick up hobbies, or travel. But it’s hard to start when your heart feels so heavy. Has anyone else gone through this? How do you adjust to life with an empty nest? I want to be happy for them, and I am, but I can’t shake this feeling of loneliness.

so this morning in the hall on my way to Band class, a friend of mine passed, one of the Special Ed kids. Usually he just waves at me, and I smile and wave back, but today he said, "Can I have a hug?" And I said, "Sure!" and that was hours ago and I'm still smiling. That little interaction made my day a little better :D

here's your reminder that even the smallest of things, a little smile, a hug, even a compliment can brighten someone's day just a little!

As a working mom, the need for a reliable childcare provider was paramount, which is why we were thrilled to find a wonderful nanny who bonded beautifully with our son. Initially, to smooth my transition back to work, we decided it would be a good idea for both grandmothers to spend some time with our son alongside the nanny. This plan, however, did not unfold as expected.

My mother-in-law, although she loves her grandson dearly, seems to have a challenging relationship with our nanny. It's become apparent that she's somewhat dismissive of the nanny's expertise, often undermining her by insisting on her own methods of feeding and handling the baby. Despite her good intentions, her approach sometimes compromises the baby's safety, which is unnerving. More importantly, she is prone to taking the baby to other parts of the building without notifying the nanny, adding to the stress. Her visits are also significantly longer than expected, stretching to almost a full day.

Today, upon returning from work while my husband was away, I found our nanny visibly upset, which is entirely out of character for her. She confided in me that she finds the dynamic with my mother-in-law too distressing and it's affecting her ability to work effectively. The nanny admitted that she dreads the days my mother-in-law visits, to the point where she's considering resigning. I was utterly dismayed and assured her that I would address the issue promptly, suggesting a possible adjustment to have my mother-in-law visit only on weekends when we are more available to supervise.

Sharing this situation over the phone with my husband was tough. I emphasized the seriousness of the issue, concerned about the possibility of losing a great nanny. The thought of setting boundaries with my mother-in-law is daunting—she hasn't taken well to suggestions in the past. My husband remains optimistic about his mother adapting her behavior, but past attempts suggest otherwise. It's saddening and challenging to see someone who provides care so integral to our family's functioning this unsettled.

I also sense a disconnect with my husband, who has not witnessed these interactions firsthand, making it harder for him to grasp the severity of the situation. He often asks for specific examples of his mother's behavior, which makes me feel like he might think I’m exaggerating the issue.

If this situation were part of a reality show, I imagine the drama and tension would escalate dramatically. Cameras would capture the raw emotions and perhaps the blunt conversations that need to happen. It could either lead to a swift resolution or more likely, amplify the family strain for the audience's intrigue. How would viewers react to seeing such a personal family conflict unfold on screen? Would they take sides or propose different solutions?

Am I being unreasonable to demand that my husband talks to his mother about limiting her visits to weekends? It feels necessary, but he seems to think I'm overreacting.

For as long as I can remember, the thought of parenting was never appealing to me. Growing up, I was the default caregiver to my four younger siblings until I left home at sixteen, which instilled in me a significant aversion to child-rearing. That's probably why I never pursued having children of my own and remained uncomfortable around youngsters.

When I married my husband, the situation was a bit different as he had three grown children from a previous marriage. Although I am their stepmother, I have never taken on a maternal role; my relationship with them is cordial, as I am primarily seen as their father's spouse. My interaction with them has been pleasant, without the obligations typical of parental roles.

The dynamics changed, however, when Kelly, one of his daughters, had a child. The family was overjoyed at the arrival of the first grandchild. From the onset, I was explicit about my boundary: I was not available for babysitting duties. My husband understood and happily took on the role of the doting grandfather. My role was simple—but enjoyable—limited to spoiling the grandchildren with gifts and the occasional treat, which worked well for the first few years.

However, Kelly began to pressure me more and more to assume a typical grandmotherly role, likely due to her own mother-in-law being out of state and less involved. Despite multiple discussions about this, she seemed unable to accept my stance.

Recently, the situation escalated. With my husband away on a business trip and our standing arrangement for him to babysit on Mondays disrupted, Kelly unexpectedly brought her children over, assuming I would babysit in his absence. When I reiterated that I would not be babysitting, the situation became tense and argumentative. Kelly left upset, insisting I should “step up” as a grandparent.

My husband supports my decision, but his other children have criticized me, calling into question my stance on family responsibilities.

Imagine if this familial disagreement were played out on a reality show. The audience would likely be polarized. Some might view me as standing my ground and defending my established boundaries, while others could perceive me as cold and unsupportive. Reality shows thrive on conflict and strong reactions from their audiences, and this situation could provide ample fodder for both.

How would viewers react to my decision in this scenario?

Now, I'd like to hear from you. I'm curious about what you think... Am I a bad person? :o

I'm facing a deep, core financial issue that I can't seem to overcome, no matter how much I try. It feels as if I'm trapped in a loop of problems. It all started with losses in my crypto futures. I think my stress arises less from the fact that I had losses, and more from the guilt trip that I'm putting on myself: that I'm making myself, my family, and my boyfriend poor because of my crypto venture. I know that I should stop, but if I do, I don't know how I'll return the money to myself, my family, and my boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like I should kill myself, but I know I can't. I tried, but my boyfriend cried like hell. My mom almost had a cardiac arrest, and my sister felt horrible after that. Does this mean I have to live with this pain forever, or will I be able to see a ray of hope again and be happy?

Okay so, I don’t know how to write but I really need to let this out. My dad leaves to visit his hometown like ALL THE TIME, it’s like he’s not even a part of my life anymore. He just got back from one of his trips like a week ago and he’s planning on leaving again. One time he was supposed to spend TWO WEEKS down there but instead it was SIX MONTHS, he came back for a week then left again for another like 2 months. AND ITS NOT EVEN THIS THAT MAKES ME MAD, whenever he comes back all he does is yell. Like two days ago I woke up and he IMMEDIATELY forced me to clean the house or else my phone would be taken away, not to mention HES NOT EVEN HERE HALF OF THE TIME. He would also get into fights with my mom, calling her a pig when the house is a mess even though it’s HIS FAULT THE HOUSE IS DIRTY. I’m so tired. I don’t feel comfortable around him anymore, I always feel like I’m going to get yelled at. I’m honestly debating if I should just stop interacting with him..

this is my first time posting to a website like this, so i'm a little nervous but i don't know what else to do. i've been dealing with some heavy weight recently and the problems that i once ignored are piling up on me and it's been really taking a toll on me. to give you a brief summary: my mother dislikes me, i've realized that i am somewhat disconnected from everyone in my life, opening up to people on an intimate, personal level scares me so i'm on this site instead, and lastly i feel weirdly hollow. every conversation with another person is incredibly painful for me, and i wish to cut contact with everyone and live my life as a recluse; at the same time i love people and i don't wish to separate from them. it's like, a weird oscillation of sorts. i don't want to sound too self-pitying but i wish that i could open up to others without any fear. for a long time i've always adhered to people, morphed myself accordingly but in the process i've fractured my sense of self lol and presently im trying to gain it back but ive realized just how empty of person ive been. i have so many problems but i feel like i can't tell anyone them and being emotionally genuine, with other people, is something that makes me want to throw up. distracting myself with projects, other people, or using the internet to forget about my reality. truth is, the few times ive 'opened' up to someone i tell them something miniscule that i don't truly care about just to keep the barrier there. my friendships i leave open and ambiguous, i've hurt a lot of people in the past because of this but i keep on moving forwards but this will definitely come to bit me in the future. i wish i could say that i feel remorse for them and i do, but it's never to the extent of their emotions. i do not love people, but i care about them even from afar and oh this turned into me ranting, lol sorry to whoever took the time to read this but you get the gist. there's a lot of other stuff as well but it'd be really awkward saying everything. i am attempting change but it's been hard, i'm getting somewhere though. just needed to get this off my chest lol, been feeling very depressed and heavy lately

I'm 23, I'm a guy, and I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. The stupid part is that I don't even have a dramatic excuse. I got a girlfriend who is good to me, a family that isn't messed up, friends who actually answer my messages, a roof over my head, food, all that basic stuff people say should make you happy. And yeah, I know I'm lucky. I know some people would tell me to shut up and stop whining because I have more than enough. They're probably right, too. But knowing that doesn't magically fix the feeling that I'm stuck like some useless dude watching life go on without him. I studied IT because everyone said it was the smart move. Computers, coding, support, networks, whatever. Stable future, good money, easy to find jobs, bla bla bla. Except now I can't find a damn junior position in my area. Every "junior" job wants two years experience, five tools, three frameworks, a car, a personality, and probably a blood sacrifice too??? How the hell am I supposed to get experience if nobody lets me start???

I send applications, I tweak my CV, I write those fake polite cover letters where you pretend you're passionate about helping some random company make more money. Nothing. Or I get some automatic rejection that says they found a candidate "more aligned with the role", which basically means "not you, mate". I try to stay objective about it, because maybe my CV is average, maybe my portfolio sucks, maybe the market is just packed, maybe I didn't study the right exact thing. Fine. I can accept that. But then what??? Am I supposed to just keep applying forever and wait until some HR person blesses me with a low paid helpdesk job like it's a gift from god??? I don't want to become one of those bitter guys who sits around blaming everything on the world, but it's hard not to feel like the whole thing is kinda rigged. People tell you to study, so you study. Then they tell you to get experience, but nobody gives you the first chance. Then they say network, improve yourself, learn more, keep grinding. Bro, at what point do we admit this advice is just copy paste bullshit???

Lately I've been thinking about learning a manual job, like plumber or electrician. Not because I always dreamed about pipes or wires, let's be honest, but because it seems real. People need toilets fixed. People need electricity. A blocked sink doesn't care about LinkedIn. That sounds better than sitting at a desk begging for an interview that will go nowhere. But then I think, okay, what if everyone my age has the same idea??? What if all the IT guys, office guys, and lost guys like me jump into trades because "manual jobs are the future" and then that market gets flooded too??? Then what??? We all spend years retraining just to be told there are too many apprentice electricians now??? Sounds dumb, but it's not impossible. Everyone runs to the same thing once they hear it's stable. I don't want to make another "smart choice" that turns into a dead end. So yeah, I have a girlfriend, family, friends, and I still feel like I'm floating around uselessly. I'm not suicidal or anything, I'm not saying my life is over, I'm just tired of pretending I have a plan. I don't. I'm 23 and already feel late, which is probably stupid, but it feels real. What would you do in my place??? Keep chasing IT and maybe waste more time??? Switch to a trade and risk starting from zero??? Or just accept that nobody really knows shit and we all act confident because being honest sounds pathetic???

Hi, I'm just turning 19 this year and finally making decent friends. Never really had friends so most things that happened in my childhood got deemed as 'normal' and pushed aside. until now. I was telling this one story to my friend about how my mom used to handle conflict between me and my sister and she told me it was basically abuse. I waved it off cause like in my mind my mom had done way worse then that so if the worst wasn't abuse how was this abuse? anyway I'll tell you all the story and see what you all think.

So it started with me and my sister. So me and my little sister are 6 years apart (im the oldest). My mom always forced us to play together even if we had completely different interests cause 'sisters play together'. whatever, we played together. But we'd always get into fights. so my mom came up with a new rule, anytime our arguments got out of hand and disturbed whatever she'd be doing we'd each need to pick a toy out of our separate favourite toy bins and throw them out. She'd make us throw them out while she watched then she'd burry whatever it was at the bottom of the garbage bag and tie off the bag and put it in the garage so we couldn't go dig it out later.

This went on for like 2 years. I was 7 when I remember it starting. it only ended when I was 9 cause I freaked out and in my mind I thought I upset my mom and that's why she stopped.

The last time she did it my sister and I were arguing and she was done with it. but instead of making us choose a toy she took away a huge bin of stuffed animals we had in the basement and said she was throwing the whole thing out that weekend. it was Tuesday. I only remember it was Tuesday cause I cried for three days straight. Only cause my favourite stuffed animal, a unicorn my great aunt gave me before she died, was in the bin.

I begged and cried for three days. three. told my mom I'd clean or do more chores or anything but she wouldn't budge. went to school crying, sat at home crying, even cried in bed cause at that time I slept with that unicorn overnight and now I didn't have it.

finally on Friday my mom randomly comes into my room, gives me the unicorn without a word and she never did the throw out rule again.

I didn't know why she stopped, I just guessed it didn't work how she wanted so she moved on to something new.

But my friend says this is really bad and I didnt' know. Like I genuinely thought this was normal and now im really confused and questioning my whole life???

Let me know what any of you think, I'm really hoping for some outside input here.

I'm in my early 30s and since turning 30 I've been discovering myself again. I was in a 7 year relationship with a man for most of my 20s and I was also miserable and depressed most of my 20s. Just before turning 30, I finally seeked help for my mental health issues after the relationship ended and I realized I couldn't push my feelings down anymore. After some time I got help and got on antidepressants and got better. Before fully getting better I got into a situationship with a then coworker, who fell pretty intensely in love with me (according to him). I felt strongly too at the very start, he seemed really cool and all but as I got better mentally, I realized our personalities don't match. My depressed self liked him but my authentic self grew uncomfortable with him. He also pressured me into professing my love for him (like my ex did). Not long after that I kind of just broke it off with him, because I knew he was bad for me and I just wasn't satisfied. I wasn't working with him anymore, since I quit my job to study. I finally was all alone and I've been single like that for about 2 years.

I have almost no interest in relationship with men and I've actually started exploring the possibility of dating women. Tbh I haven't really thought about a proper relationship with women either but I've had some female crushes recently. I feel as though I'm coming into my full identity but am still hesitant to "come out" very publicly, which also means I don't use dating apps (I'm also very weirded out by them). I've always been pretty idk "queer" I guess, I had an online girlfriend as a teenager but it kind of freaked me out so it didn't last. But I've always felt some attraction to women. And I wouldn't deny it if someone asked, but I also havent really defined my sexuality nor professed it to anyone. Here is a good moment to mention that I am from a Nordic country, our culture is very repressed overall and I'm a very awkward and somewhat of a shy person. People would definitely call me weird and quiet. I currenty work at a place that houses young adults with mental disabilities, as a counselor of sorts. Last summer there was summer worker, a woman I found very attractive but she was so young and left after that summer.

There's also another coworker woman I've been I'd say... interested in for about a year. She's like a "permanent worker" idk how to else say that but she's like a regular, not a seasonal worker or a temp like me. Last year we didn't really have the same shifts and I very rarely even saw her at work. But the times I saw her, she left an impression on me since she's kind of a tomboy and seemed like a really cool person. She seemed different I'd say, and I have always been attracted to people who are different (even platonically). Finally, this year I decided to start doing more night shifts and I ended up on the same shift with her. It was an unconventional night shift also, because it was just the two of us there. There's usually 3 night workers doing rounds but one of our residents was in hospital, so the third night shifter was there. We talked a lot that night, I could see her getting more comfortable with me, since she usually never held eye contact for very long and seemed somewhat anxious before. I suddenly felt very brave and I held a conversation not to mention I asked a lot of questions. I felt I could really be good friends or even more with this person. After that shift I saw her occasionally at the start of her shift and the end of mine, as she does more nights and I do evening shifts. I was (and still am) always excited to see her and disappointed if I didn't get a chance to talk to her. Her eye contact got a lot better and she seems more attentive to me, as if she realized I exist after that shared night shift. I am actually really baffled how intense I am with her, since I'm usually very awkward and don't like eye contact with anyone. But her, I just stare whenever I get the chance.

This newly found confidence really came out this week, as I was finally again on the same night shift with her and another coworker. I can't even tell you how excited I was about these night shifts, even though last time we had more time together. But this time I came on pretty hard, even surprising myself. I think I might've gotten this courage from the fact that at the start of the shift we were talking, all three of us night shifters, and somehow got into talking about birth defects caused by acne meds and how women have to be on birth control to get the pills. She mentioned something about "having sex that you can't even get pregnant from" and I of course agreed with her sentiment on the matter. After that I just found every excuse to talk to her, to compliment her, to just be in her presence. I completely surprised myself and even felt kind of... proud? I ALMOST called her cute for getting so excited about a football match. She was watching some womens football in our tv room and I went out of my way totally awkwardly go there to be near her. I don't like sports at all but I made an effort to be interested and ask her questions about the game. I even at some point mentioned how the women playing are pretty. She was quite eager to tell me about football and I thought it was endearing.

I really made an effort to be interested in whatever she did or said. I even got a couple of chances to get really close to her and I just can't even... I really don't even recognize myself since I've always been the most awkward person ever. I'm not good socially, I'm weird and aloof and I never make the first step in social situations. This is so weird cause I know I'm really attracted to her, but I'm not afraid of her, like I've been of other women and men even. Am I just crazy, or do I feel some type of energy between us that allows me to be like this with her? I wish I could just... see her outside of work or something. There's a small chance of a get together that's being planned for August, where some people from work wanna just rent out a place and basically get drunk together. She signed up for it, and so did I because I saw her name. But idk if that will even materialize, or if I'll even be working there by the time this get together happens. Although if my work doesn't continue, I'd have nothing to lose if I just asked her out.

I also just found out that she is in fact 10 years older than me. I already suspected she's maybe late 30s or early 40s. She's very youthful tho, and I don't feel like we're really that out of sync, even with such an age gap. Oh boy idk, this is messing me up quite a bit and I'm feeling like some crazy person when I'm comparing our work schedules to know when I might have a chance to catch a glimpse of her. I don't really feel comfortable talking about this to my bestie, and I don't have anyone else to tell. I just have to vent somewhere. Also, heck, should I be worried that I keep crushing on coworkers?

these days im not in the mood to go anywhere. my friend is getting married this week and she lives farrrr away from me. it took 4 hours from my place to go hers and im scared if i go there, it will not reach my expectation (in a simple words, im scared getting ignored since it has been more than 5 years we didnt meet).

i also have concert on december but im not in the mood to go (thinking to resell the tix) and i feel like the possibilities of me getting disappointed is higher than happy and satisfied. i feel like if i want to get my sparks back, i need to go to the concert but i feel like its not worth it..

does anyone know what am i going through actually? and is there any ways to make me feel contented again? :')