Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

My boss is a complete nuisance. He texted me to see how I am, when that's none of his business. The man tries to cultivate a friendliness that's fake, a lie, that really only serves his cronies, his political campaign at the university—because everything is a university, after all. He's the kind of guy for whom the point is to create scenes so others will speak well of him, to make relationships a kind of forced performance, and that's why he carries out a whole series of actions, as if drawn from some dark, unknown force, through which he confuses and stifles the freedom to be oneself. His anxiety is that there's some detail that could discredit him, and I feel like I've been his main target for a long time, and I'm fed up with being in this situation.

She desperately seeks strategies to make me give in, as does her secretary, allowing those dream deals where I am treated only as an employee and nothing more than an employee, under the logic that they have reflected, after conflicts occurred with a girl, where the house could not have made a change from one moment to the next that is not of a chameleon-like nature. He's someone who tries to corner me, and in fact, as I write this, I don't even want to make much of an effort to respond to him, because I feel I'll only get to the bottom of things—and I think that's his goal—about him, about how he is, and in that way express that we're still in contact despite the conflicts, that there hasn't been any break-up. I also want to make a statement to my friend, the young woman, that I'm not on good terms with her at all, and that her absence is leaving me completely deprived. Therefore, it's a relationship that isn't working, which translates into coercion towards her. I want to show that she's not the good person she portrays herself to be at work. It's something I can't allow, given that it's a life she's earned, a way of spreading gossip about her.

He's a despicable individual who wants to see her ruined, given that he's now digging deeper into her situation after it was publicly revealed that he used me as a tool for his own ends, without any regard for the social impact on the company, and in a blatant abuse of bureaucracy. He hates that young woman and is determined to undermine her at all costs. For a long time, she's been trying to get him to finally make a comment, to corner him, because if he has a hard place, he certainly does. He's doing the same with the secretary. We need that group to back down, no matter what, so we can have peace of mind regarding our relationship with them, because in the meantime, we have to focus on preserving our own space, seeking any opportunity for satisfaction. They're trying to accuse us of straying from our work, of being so focused on ourselves and our own interests, just like the secretary and him. We do our jobs, but they're infusing our work with the same projections they themselves used.

They are desperate, of course, because as time goes on, more things pile up, and their voices gradually fade, leaving practically no room for redemption. They are taking advantage of the difficulties we also have in maintaining normal relationships, all to establish that the office, the company itself, comes first. The complaint I filed wasn't enough for them; they are prepared to fight to get out of this situation by any means necessary. It's no longer about love, affection, or any kind of fondness, but rather about them getting back on track to reclaim the throne they once held. In the office, they were free to do as they pleased while everyone else remained silent. Now, this is our approach, of course. We don't intrude on their social life; we remain in a more casual way, as this is how we want to survive. This is how we avoid getting involved with them and can continue to live our lives together. Without the necessary foundation for survival, which is what allows us to exist, we find ourselves lost in some way, and our lives are then, thanks to that semblance of normality we haven't yet established, always at the mercy of a fall, which, due to our inertia, thanks to the affront of having already lost a social life, seems impossible.

We live defending ourselves against them at all costs; in a way, our very presence in the office becomes a clear provocation, prompting them to ask questions about our lives, about how we relate to others, so they can accuse us of trying to invade our space.

It's clear these people are only in it for survival, because after the complaint, their university life ended completely. They can't do anything to undo what happened, but at least they can ensure we're hurt in some way, that the environment doesn't support us either, because of the doubt, because of the possibility of exploiting our profiles within that institution, portraying us as abusive and submissive, which reflects poorly on the environment. Indeed, that's not what's happening. In fact, this same duo was between my boss and his secretary. Personally, and I have to say this now, the matter wasn't more difficult for me than simply wanting to express it calmly and peacefully.

I don't feel good about what happened, but our situation arose amidst these circumstances. This isn't the first time something like this has happened to me. My father and stepmother both experienced the pressure from my stepmother's family. My father's marriage wasn't in the best shape, and my stepmother used that situation to end it, all within the context of prejudice. In this sense, what's happening isn't strange to me; it's more common, as if I'm already prepared for it. I want to protect the girl; she's my friend, and her leadership role is purely symbolic. She likes to delve into her life and how it's been, something I'm very grateful she doesn't do with me, as it's dramatic, and that's not something I can handle. It's more about each of us embracing our own space, for now, respecting what each of us is doing with our lives. During this time apart, we can recharge our energy for future encounters, so they can be unique and allow us to adapt and feel ready to move forward in whatever way is necessary at that moment. For now, we're just holding on, but I'm aiming for greater closeness, without, of course, abandoning our personal space altogether, since it's the foundation of our relationship.

Greater closeness is about embracing social circumstances to establish our place within all the groups, but we also recognize that personal space is fundamental to our well-being. Regarding sex, kisses, and going out, it shouldn't be more than what's essential to maintaining our connection with others, because our space, our shared heritage, is what truly matters. The fear of loss is ever-present, and life can certainly throw curveballs again, so it's also a matter of being prepared for adversity, for unpredictability. Hence the importance of personal space in finding a way to continue together amidst all this chaos. My boss and his secretary take advantage of our pain from loneliness, when in reality it's our most faithful ally, something they fail to grasp. My boss takes advantage of bureaucratic fears, given his persistence; however, unlike him, I retain authority thanks to my experience in facing others head-on. I didn't expect things to end this way with him, but given his prevailing political leanings, any other outcome would be surprising.

Got lots of love to give but no one wants to have it. They want the toxic ones.

Tuesday 4:48-4:57 February 4th.

I’m 14 and was volunteering at a musical. Devon asked for me the first time asking me to bring el to him and that I can’t tell anyone and to make sure she’s alone (she’s in tech) she said she had beef with him and didn’t wanna go alone so she brought leelind (10th grader also in tech) el said that he looked like he wanted to say something then leelind walked in and she asked about a student. Then he asked Tristan (in tech) to bring me (Kiera) to him. I walked in and said “what do you need” and he responded with “I don’t know how to ask you this but, I can’t get bricked. I’ve been sitting here trying to and I can’t get bricked.” And I said “ok? What am I supposed to do about your problem.” And he changed the subject by saying “has anyone uhh you know, hit a home run? (Basically asking me if I have had sex.) you know what mean right?” Then my friend Asten walked in and he completely changed the subject and then I paused to think about what I should do. I wanted to get out of the situation so I said “oh my mom’s calling me.” Then I left the room to call my mom and have her pick me up, but when. I called her Devon was waiting around the Corner for me to be done. I went into the back room where Eli was and told him what was happening and Ashton came in so I also told her. Eli then starting following me around to make sure Devon would stop following me. My mom was on her way and as I picked up my backpack he asked “do you wanna have sex” I told him no and that I had a boyfriend then he started asking who and followed me out. Luckily Eli Humphrey (in tech) followed me out to make sure Devon didn’t, luckily Devon stopped following me and then Eli made a comment saying “freaking pervert” acknowledging that Devon was being weird and harassing me. I then sprinted out of the school to my dad

Mother taking advantage of me leading me to not be able to get a job, or go to college

Due to that I feel like I have no control over my life

being stuck at home everyday with minimal things to do or people to talk to

Heath issues that may be due to mother issues

Increased self doubt and decreased attempts to try and help the situation because I feel stuck

Since its always been this way, whenever I try to amend the situation, I'm hit with backlash due to mother not wanting things to change.

Suicidal ideation increases due to loneliness and no path in life

being jealous of other people having jobs/going to school/going out/having friends/essentially doing normal human things.

What's the point of life? I feel like a bird with no wings or voice, perpetually stuck watching others but having no say in anything. I feel like I try, but not hard enough.

Think about it, there's more benefits to it. You're less surprised by tragedy, you are alive because everyone are liars in your eyes, and when you get hurt, you already knew this was gonna happen.

Really? So far I've had no friends and my family hates that I'm negative. I'm not negative, I'm honest. They hate the fact when I tell them there's no hope in this planet, and that everything is pathetic, and how I won't even be rich and alive to see 20.

People already struggle in this era, so what else is next than to give up and be on the unemployment train? Or vouch for communism over capitalism? I even became negative and I'm happier that zone. It's my comfort zone.

The moment my friends moved on and had their own groups without me, I became the cynic, the dark, the grim. I soon realized at 13 to live in the world, you have to trust no one, not even your family or your home country.

You must hate everyone, and distrust everyone. You must live in fear and disgust of humans, because they try to force-swallow their nasty happy pills down my throat and "be positive".

My family doesn't love me, I'm just a resource, a toy given to them because they wanted to fill out a norm. Have a tall husband, short wife, and 2 kids, one girl and boy.

Benefits of being pessimistic (which even the adults on the room can’t see for some reason):

1) Has a lesser painful impact when being betrayed by something or someone because you low-key suspected the thing with you was a fake

2) Are actually more smarter some you are able to see the messy sides without being too surprised

3) Have enough permission to tell someone, “I told you so!”

4) Able to feel smart and actually be confident because you have enough evidence and gut feeling to prove your point that everything is hopeless

5) Able to understand the world is a mess because everything is too expensive, too less, people can be evil or bigoted, able to see and grasp the flaws of populist people (and people in general) more easily

6) Can rot and feel hopeless without feeling drained or physically affected because already predicted the (crappy) future, in fact can actually thrive in such mental states

7) Able to handle bleak honesty better (like being told “I don’t like you” or “You’re worthless and ugly”) because the pessimism tells you it’s true

8) Great personality trait to have because it meetings and in jobs you can be flat you “ruined” (correct word: told the truth) to your dumb, optimistic puppy employees

9) Can handle isolation and loneliness better (I lasted 7 years with no friends or contact to any classmates, and I’m 13!) because you know everyone, even the adults, around you are idiots to never understand

10) Can grasp the fact the adults are stupid and uncultured without crying because it was already predicted

I can do all that without feeling bad! I can fail and berate myself, and I'll be fine because I'm in my comfort zone. Isn't everyone happy in their zone?

I even felt embarrassed after I got excited because we went to a park we never went to and saw hoopoes, ring-neck parrots, mynas and it had some interesting empty restaurants and 2 colleges nearby, and then I petted a cat on a bench, until I started feeling more itchy, my eye swelled up red, and I realized the doctor was right when she said I have an allergy to dust and cat hair.

So see? I should've just sat, even though I liked walking, seeing the birds, the place itself, and having a nice bubble tea with my mom and brother. I should've argued with mom about my ideology that pessimism is the way to go, rather than let her read her book and me walk around.

That would've ended than us being peaceful and mom not yelling. That cat ruined it!

Sure it didn't bite or scratch me (I would've berated myself for rabies risk), it was oddly quiet and it was weirdly so comfortable to the point it sat on my lap and it didn't even try to attack me when I picked it and lightly threw it on the ground (it's a cat so it can land on its feet, and cat didn't even meow), and when I scratch and petted it, it seemed fine, it sat another time before I picked its belly and put it on the bench, and his eye also looked kinda swollen, until I started itching and my eye also got swollen, and mom in a kinda disappointed tone said, "Oh, why did you do that?"

Before we got bubble tea and I put the drink on my eye to cool it, then at home (after we picked my brother in the same park from his piano exam. You see, in one area there was an auditorium hub, and he did it there, we were just nearby) I put the ice pack on my rash, eye and mom put eye drops.

It's better now, but I shouldn't have done it! Still, I shouldn't have trusted my gut, and I should've never sat near that thing.

Hell, I should've argued with mom about my philosophy, instead of excitedly telling her about the hoopoes and ring-necks like an 8 y/o! I'm 13!

Isn't it just stupid I got excited over a dumb bird, and a bit confused why an Indian parrot was in UAE, and there was 6 of them near the college (it was Middlesex University in Dubai)?

I should've argued and be cynical, that's more grown up! I may have been happy while roaming around, but not everything happy is good!

And why was I even looking around the place and drinking that with my family? I should've asked for a coffee, like adults!

I'm not pretending it never happened, I'm admitting it did, and admitting how much of an avoidable situation it was!

It's a stupid stray cat, it's not like it's gonna cry if you leave it!

And I was even dumber for thinking it was a calm cat, it was, it didn't react much at all (I know it's not dead, his eye just looked weird, and I hope he was alright, showed no signs of sneezing, coughing or snot, his left eye was just swollen), even when I picked it up and put on the ground first, and then the chair, I shouldn't have trusted that fiend!

And why did my left eye also get swollen? Again, I was being stupid! People with allergies don't go anywhere near things they have reactions to, even if it's not anaphylactic!

Again, what allergic person goes near their allergies? Lord knows I was being stupid. I shouldn't have trusted it. It may have been gentle, maybe kinda old, but I shouldn't have even thought about going there.

This is one of the memories where being calmer and hopeful hurts you. This is the other chapter in my book of that.

Stupid cat fur. Can't even be a normal person.

But my benefits! Oh, don't tell me, "Be positive!" Again, it's happy pills institutions feed us to keep us controlled. That's like saying surgery is bad because people die from it. More people have lived!

If I apply the same with everyone, family, friends, teachers, strangers, I'll be alive. I won't be on the ground betrayed by a fraud.

More people have been hurt by surprises. So, the more I expect down, I can never be hurt. Better to never be hurt ever than get hurt once, right?

Come on, if I don't trust anyone, I'll be fine! It's how we work, right? People wall up all the time. Don't they?

I mean, army men don't trust EACH OTHER, so? I can wall up forever, or at least decades and be okay! It's how I managed without friends! Hermits did it! I can have that life!

Another thing, how does looking or doing things you like supposed to make you feel better when you failed at something?

Again, I didn't draw for months, and then during that time, I made mood boards and just sat at home doing nothing. Then, when I failed 2 of my exams, I turned to watch what I liked, created more boards, got back to making my doll, and eating, and wanting to go out to malls to cure my misery.

Yeah, useless. This is fleeting joy. This isn't the joy where you are happy for life. It still means I'm a failure to my family, even if my mom says I'm not a failure.

Exams will define my college selection, my grade promotion, and life! Says the woman who got 70/100, thinking she failed when she's top 5 scorers in school for getting 85-95!

Again, I always think she's lying. What's the catch? What's the hidden meaning behind, "We may argue but I won't leave you and stop loving you."

People leave when they have a big argument after many microaggressions, or maybe one big thing happened and they all hate each other! They fight and leave, it's the big thing that holed their relationship!

Movies show it, and they're praised as realistic, so explain this. My brain's a soldier in armor for knowing this and suspecting this.

Guess what? Okay, maybe my arguments are the micro-aggressions, until we have that BIG FIGHT, and she sends me elsewhere!

Don't tell me, mom, that you won't send me anywhere or deport me back no matter how angry you are, you will soon.

I have maturity in pessimism than my family, so at least I'm good at that and nothing else.

I'm smart. I'm confident because of it.

My mom spews trash when she says, "Don't talk about your miseries all the time or any bad thing all the time, we just did something good yesterday."

We may have binged a show we liked, had good food, went out to a new park we've never been to, and had bubble tea, but to keep myself not too happy, I have to remember the bad things.

Isn't it how we keep ourselves in check and not too...joyful?

Joy can make people do stupid things, and when you distrustful of everything, you'll have all the things trying to hurt you not hurt you.

Isn't numbness good?

And so what if it's a cage? Better than to fly in a forest where you could get eaten by an animal.

Flying's bad in that case. It's a cage that keeps me safe, with food, shelter, confidence, security, and my thoughts.

I'm fine here! In fact, I'm happier here than being positive. I'm happier here, it's how I've managed for years, I only got more emotional when I started listening to my heart.

It shouldn't be there! I should grow out of it. It may be screaming me to not be this "hard", but it's being stupid.

It's like a kid telling me not to watch TV today or I'll go blind today and need a walking stick.

See? I can be happy being alone when thinking negative, because how can anyone hurt me or leave me?

Bad things only teach you they're bad.

You break up with someone when you both couldn't control it, it was worthless.

If you studied and still failed an exam, it was worthless.

You had a friend who moved from you, that friend was worthless.

If this is "living", I reject living. I accept survival.

Seeing pain as bad, and emotions as bad, it's how I've coped for years now. I managed since I was 12, for some stuff, but it's increased now at 13.

I was okay until I listened once to my heart. That made me feel bad, and it made my mom be a "friend".

Who has their mom as a friend?!

I've been vulnerable to a teacher, and she took me too literally! She got me out of school for 3 days, when I felt perfectly fine to go!

And even I feel guilty, and now mom's all like, "You should now speak to me, because only I know you better than them."

Hag, you're my mom. Who has their moms as confidants!?

I'm supposed to have many friends at this age, not be alone with mom.

I can even fake with a few people to look cool! I'll figure it out!

Everybody else has friends. I don't. I'm 1 of the 2 kids in the class with no friend. There's only one girl, but if I spoke to her, it'll be awkward. She's very quiet, very soft-spoken.

If girls can fake boyfriends and then fall in love like in movies, I can do it with friends!

If I DARE get awkward, it's bad. Means I'm weak, shameful even.

I must fake it. I can forget it exists if the sky has smog in it. I'd rather breathe in my own breath than that in my cage.

Everything uncontrolled is bad! I'm allowed to be a hermit!

You may say hermits were missing human connection but they convinced themselves it was fine. Why can't I do that?

I'm a martyr for that. I'm a martyr for isolation.

So please, people here, what happened when you were pessimistic for a long while? I bet it benefited you more than gave you issues.

But be honest, tell everything...

I’m 19, and I’m starting to feel like my brain got wired wrong somewhere, because I seriously cannot fall asleep in a quiet room. Not “it’s a little harder” quiet. I mean the kind of silence where I can hear my own swallowing, the radiator clicking, the blood rushing in my ears, every tiny shift in the mattress, and suddenly my whole nervous system acts like it’s on graveyard shift doing threat assessment. The second everything goes still, my sleep latency gets way worse, like my body forgets how to cross over into actual sleep onset. If I put on a fan, rain sounds, some dumb video essay playing low, or even just the hum of an air purifier, I knock out faster. Does anyone else get that, or am I just broken in a really specific and embarrassing way? People always talk like silence is the ideal sleep environment, like that’s the gold standard, but for me silence feels aggressive. It feels like standing on a stage waiting to mess up. Noise gives me auditory masking, which sounds clinical, but basically it just covers the sharp little sounds that keep pulling my attention back up to the surface. Without it, my brain starts monitoring everything, like some cheap surveillance system that never powers down. I’ve tried the “healthy” stuff too. No caffeine late, dim lights, no phone for a while, trying to regulate my circadian rhythm, breathing slow, all of it. And still, the moment it gets too quiet, my thoughts get louder than any speaker ever could. I start replaying every awkward conversation, every bad choice, every unfinished thing in my life, and then I’m just laying there feeling stupid. It’s wierd because during the day I say I want peace, but at night peace feels fake. Peace feels like waiting for something bad. When I was younger I used to fall asleep on the couch while the TV was on and plates were clinking in the kitchen, and I think my brain decided that background noise equals safety, like that became the default setting. So now when I try to sleep in a perfect silent room, it doesn’t feel restful, it feels abandoned.

Last week I actually tested it because I was tired of feeling dramatic about it. First night, I turned everything off because I wanted to prove to myself I was just being dependent on a habit. The room was dark, clean, no notifications, no sound, textbook sleep hygiene. I laid there for what felt like forever, probably doing micro-arousals every few minutes, drifting for two seconds and then snapping back because the silence made every thought sound huge. My chest wasn’t pounding or anything, so I’m not trying to say it was some full panic response, but my baseline arousal was clearly too high. I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, normal people can sleep in silence, why cant I. I got annoyed enough to turn on a box fan at like 2:17 a.m., and I swear my whole body unclenched within ten minutes. That should’ve made me feel relieved, but honestly it just made me feel worse, because now it seems less like a phase and more like I’ve trained myself into some dependency loop. The next night I tried brown noise instead, and same result, asleep faster, fewer wake-ups, less mental static. So yeah, the data is pretty obvious, but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. Accept it? Fix it? Is this just conditioning, or is it hypervigilance, or am I giving it too much meaning because I’m 19 and already tired all the time and kind of burnt out in general? I know there are worse problems to have, obviously. Needing noise to sleep is not exactly a tragic backstory. But it bothers me because it makes me feel fragile in this dumb specific way, like I can’t even handle the default setting of a room. And the worst part is I’m not even sure I want to fix it if noise is the only thing that consistently helps. Maybe the real issue isn’t the sound, maybe it’s what happens in my head when there’s alot of empty space for every thought to echo. I definately trust a fan more than my own mind at night, and that feels sad in a way I can’t make sound less pathetic.

Last week, I encountered an exceptionally rude sales assistant while hunting for a birthday present, and I wonder if I may have overreacted because of it. There was only one attendant free at the shop, and it was apparent she preferred not to be disturbed. She avoided making eye contact and would walk in the opposite direction whenever I neared. After waiting around for another assistant to become available and realizing none would, it was getting late, so I reluctantly decided to approach her. Regrettably, her response was dismissive and unhelpful, leading me to resume my browsing alone as I awaited my husband's arrival.

Upon his arrival, it was as if a switch had flipped with the saleswoman. She became eager and attentive, quite the opposite of how she had treated me initially. My attention had been caught by a stylish bag earlier, which I might have even bought for myself had it not been for her earlier behavior. My husband noticed and asked if I was interested in purchasing it, but I refused, particularly because it would mean she’d earn a commission from the sale. Despite my earlier experience, she now seemed more than willing to assist.

A few days later, my husband surprised me with that very same bag as a gift. I inquired if he had returned to the same store and interacted with the same assistant, which he confirmed. Knowing this, I felt compelled to return the bag. I explained to him how her initial rudeness had spoiled my view of the purchase, and that I did not want her benefiting from the commission. While the commission seemed trivial to my husband, the principle mattered to me. He was quite upset when I returned his gift, not understanding why a stranger’s actions should influence our decisions.

Am I being unreasonable?

Navigating this situation on a reality show would undoubtedly amplify the drama. Picture the scenario being replayed to a room full of spectators, each weighing in on the ethical dilemma. Would the public side with my decision to stand against poor customer service, or would they perceive my actions as an overreaction detrimental to what was a heartfelt gift from my husband? Reality TV thrives on such conflicts, often escalating them to entertain the audience.

Hello everyone, I'm currently facing a bit of a dilemma regarding my wife and upcoming house guests.

My wife, who is 31, and I, aged 36, have been happily married for 2 years. She has always been deeply committed to her wellness and mindfulness regimen. Her routine is iron-clad: waking up at 5am for yoga in our guest room, followed by a brisk run, and then making a noisy but healthy smoothie with her powerful blender. She also uses this time for meditation and journaling. It’s her sacred time, and she’s been upfront about its importance since before we married. I’ve occasionally hinted at using that room for my PC to clear up space elsewhere in the house, but she was clear about keeping that space for her routine since it was established long before I moved in.

Now, my sister, her partner, and their little 6-year-old are planning to visit us soon. To help them save on expenses, we agreed to let them stay with us. My wife suggested they could sleep in our living room that has an array of comfy sofas. However, I proposed setting up air mattresses in the spare room used by my wife and asked if she could perhaps hold off on her early morning blender use to avoid waking our guests too early.

However, my wife strongly disagrees with changing her routine or giving up her space for the duration of their visit. She argues that the room isn't guest-friendly due to its lack of carpets, large windows, and walls covered in mirrors. She believes I’m using this request as a pretext to interfere with a routine I dislike, which isn’t true as I’ve always respected her space and rituals. Now, we’re at a standstill with her even suggesting that my sister should rather book a hotel. This feels excessive to me, especially since it’s just for three days. Am I unreasonable here? I feel that a short break from her routine for family could be manageable.

Imagine if our situation was featured on a reality TV show. The cameras would capture every disagreement and every compromise attempt, possibly blowing the situation

out of proportion. Viewers would likely be divided. Some might argue that personal space and routines are sacred and shouldn't be compromised, while others might see my request as reasonable family accommodation. The tension and drama would certainly make for compelling television, but I wonder if the public scrutiny would help us reach a consensus or just fuel more discord.

What should I do in this situation? Any advice?

idk whats wrong with me lately but its like everythin just feels heavy?? like i wake up n my chest is tight nd i dont wanna get outta bed. i just stare at the ceiling n think bout nothin but also everything at once. i used to wake up n feel kinda excited for the day but now its like...idk. empty i guess? my alarm goes off nd i feel this dread inside me like "oh great, here we go again". and i know i shouldnt feel this way cuz like nothin bad rlly happened but still its like my bodys fightin against me or sumthin.

when i go out with friends now, im not even rlly there. i try to laugh and joke but its like im watchin myself from the outside. like im pretendin to have fun when inside i just wanna go home n crawl under my blankets. and sometimes they notice n ask me whats wrong but i dont even know what to say?? cuz if i say "idk i just feel bad" they look at me weird n i feel stupid. so instead i say "im fine just tired" or sumthin but deep down i kno they kno its more than that. nd then i feel worse cuz im lyin to ppl i love but what else am i sposed to do? tell them my brain feels broken??

school feels impossible rn too. i sit in class n all the words the teacher says jus float past me like i cant grab onto em. my grades r slippin nd i kno it but its like i cant even care enough to fix it. ill sit at my desk to study n end up starin at the wall for hours. like time jus stops or sumthin. and then i get rlly mad at myself cuz i kno i should be better but i cant seem to make myself move. i just feel stuck. like theres glue holdin me in place n the harder i try to move the more stuck i get.

my mom tried to talk to me bout it yesterday. she noticed i was bein quiet nd stuff at dinner n asked me if sumthin was wrong. i wanted to tell her everything, how i feel lost nd sad nd tired all the time. but instead i just shrugged n said "nah im fine mom". she gave me that look she always does when she knows im lyin but she didnt push it. i think she wants me to talk but idk how to even start. what if she thinks im bein dramatic? what if she thinks its just some teenage thing n not real? cuz it feels pretty real to me.

idk what im sposed to do anymore. i jus kno that i dont feel good, not at all. like somethings missing from inside me n i cant find it. i jus want to feel normal again. not even happy, just normal. but rn that feels impossible, like im trapped in this fog that wont go away. i jus wanna wake up n breathe easy again, feel the sun without wishin i could stay in bed forever. i jus wanna be me again, but i dunno how to find her.

I'm 21 and i lived a reverently hard life with an alcoholic father and drug addict mother, life wasn't easy but my older sister made it work. When I was 12 my oldest sister hung herself and my best friend shot herself 2 months later. i know death, and death knows me too. I've done all stages and moved past my emotions. but a few months ago, an 17 year old girl who i knew, lived with, helped her father raise her and love her was hit by a car at 5 in the morning because she rode her bike with no lights or reflectors. for a while i told her to use a light. i couldn't get her off the streets. i tried so so so fucking hard but i couldn't. so i showed her how to survive the streets. who to trust, who too watch for, what to watch for, how to watch your back without looking suspicious. she loved boxing, so me and her would practice for hours in the driveway leaving bruises on each other and laughing. right before she died i moved away 2 hours away from my home, my people, my village, everything i knew to move in with my boyfriend as i wanted out from under my father and in a life of my own. but she died. that 2 hour drive felt like 2000 years. everyone says i spoke a beautiful speech at her funeral but i barely remember it. i just remember her being so cold, telling her ill see her again one day and crying into her fathers chest [he's my uncle just not blood uncle] i came back with my boyfriend and helped move his family into a new home, i started a new job and have been struggling so so much. me and my boyfriend went through a period where we were fighting a lot. the moment things were getting better i found out he was on a fetish app talking to multiple girls and sending dick picks. he lied to my face and act like he didn't know i knew. things have finally started moving past that. but I'm stuck. i want my riley back, my fighter, my smoke buddy, my soul snatcher, my hot headed, spicy beautiful little girl back... i was only 4 years older then her but i felt like her mother. i loved her like i was her mother. i showered her when she was depressed and couldn't. i hand feed her right after and brushed her hair, dressed her and took her out. i want those days. id take seeing her severely depressed then in that casket because at least with one she's alive even if its barely. I almost got fired and on the edge of being fired. i feel like I'm not enough. i wasn't enough for my sister and best friend. i wasn't enough to keep her alive and smarter with her decisions, i wasn't enough to have him not cheat on me. I'm not enough to do good at work. I'm not enough. I'm never enough. I'm always too much or never enough. how can i move past something that turned my whole world upside down and across the galaxy. I'm so tired. and not in a "i wanna go to sleep" way but in a "see them all once again for eternity" kind of way. what do i do.......

I see my very best friend as my soulmate but a couple days ago she started to talk to this guy online. I feel like I'm being put second to him, in no way am i jealous of their relationship I'm happy she has someone she likes romantically. its only been a 2 days that i feel she's stopped talking or answering my messages. she's my only real friend and I'm scared we are gonna drift apart. We have been friends since we were 9th grade and we are both 20 now, I'm just scared. Am i overreacting and i do plan on saying something if it continues. I'm very scared.

I’ve moved all my life never in one house for long due to one parent. So I’ve never made relationships, either friend or love. Every time I do a few week later I move again. This parent always asked, “No girlfriend yet”, “Why don’t you go out with friends” and other of the sort. My answers were always “No” and “They are online”. I started online school a year or two before Covid as I was going to help take care of a family member but they never moved in, and with my constant move I decided to stay online, Covid didn’t help and I never had a high school life, prom or any of that. I did college for a year online as well but that’s because of something else in a bit.

This parent suggested maybe I join the military, so I did, I enlisted in the Army. I spent a year and some change months clearing my medical and prepping. A few months before I was cleared I met my first and only girlfriend through a milsim we were part of. That’s again, for later. But I signed my life away as a 68W Combat Medical Specialist with a 4k bonus and was extremely lucky to choose a first duty station. South Korea, I never made it but woulda been great. So I ship to FT Sill OK for BCT and train. I made it a few weeks before my legs gave and I couldn’t stand. I went to the medical center and doctors and after a battery of tests and imaging, I stress fractured nearly every bone from my hips (inside and outer) to my feet, grade 1-4, I also ripped many of my muscles in my legs, and had something called Rhabdo-Myolosis. On top of that I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis and told I was of no use to the Army. I was placed on confinement to quarters for 72 hours twice while they were doing all the testing spanning to weeks. Terrible, I couldn’t lay on the bed so I sat on the concrete floor, cold, for hours and hours only able to go outside for meals. Watching my battle buddy’s come in for brief time trying to get info from them. What are you doing? It’s it tough? How are you? But it was in vein. White walls hum of the ac, occasional drill coming into to check lockers and throw something. Before I was discharged I was placed in a medical hold unit, C95 Adj Battalion. Basically for people really hurt and can’t stay at their training battery. I would say this was the start of my decent into depression and honestly lunacy. It was only 50 days in there but they were ever long. White brick walls, no windows, in crutches and medical boots like my 72 hour holds, A tv that was always off because of punishment. It was a prison, insane asylum and hospital in one room. Phone maybe 2 times a week but never enough to tell my family what’s happening. On call of hey I’m doing great I’m feeling strong, then I basically shattered my legs and I don’t know what’s happening, to finally, I’m useless and I will never be the same again. I went mad there, I’m not okay now either, I can’t be closed in, I need to see outside, and the bricks, ohh the bricks. If I ever see them I absolutely lose it inside. That was it, from I’m going to be a soldier and prove I’m worthy and have amazing dad lore for her and our future kids to, dang, I’ve lost my dream job. But I was going home to my partner.

My partner and I, met on a milsim for a game. We were extreme long distance being across the ocean but we made it work. It started 3 months before I shipped to BCT. And she stayed all through my training. I thought a few times I’d get Dear John’d but I was lucky. Nope. 2 weeks after I got home she got shallow, and we never played a game together even though that’s literally how we met and played daily before I left. So on the end of week 3 I said I k ow you want this to end. Just tell me so I hear it from you. She admitted she wanted it to end and in short I agreed to her leaving. She said she will stay till I get my help from the VA. I said no, I don’t want to force you to stay, and it would take years. That was it. 7 months gone. I really felt I lost it all then. My core dreams. I had my dream career, health and woman. Then in 3 months all was gone.

A few months later the same week I had plans to visit her country and her, I had to put my dog down. I was done at that point. Everything I had.

I continued seeing mental health services at the VA and long story short I was put in an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I met someone there and decided to give each other a chance. I had my first date ever, and had my first kiss ever. Finally feeling the human connection I had craved for years. But I shoulda known better. Nothing works for me. That night I cried tears of joy, someone cares about me again, the physicality of humanity is perfect, she cried to, but cause she still loved her ex. Told me a few days later. And after many talks, I found, she used me, the pictures we took, the date, everything was to get him to talk to her again. I said I can’t continue talking to you after that. I may crave that connection more now but not at the cost of fighting another guy for someone and being used to get to him. Just. No.

So now I’m back at square one. Alone. I don’t have a job because my health limits work and no one will hire with my conditions. Back to being online and trying to make it through the day.

Soooo

Is it wrong?

Especially if it’s not the first?

So I’ve been hearing my spouses iPad notifications go off while sleeping and it’s like a nonstop kind of ding ding ding ding 🛎️ . So I wake up look 👀 and see texts going back and forth with multiple ppl (different texts) and then that’s when I notice a females name….. so for some reason I felt the need to check it…. I do and I notice it’s someone who he works with and I see that there’s some inappropriate messages——-my heart drops——-my breathing tends to 😮‍💨 and my mind is going wild it’s telling me to check his other messages and so I do and I see another female name….so I click on it and I see some stuff and I decide to go check if he has any deleted messages and lo and behold yes y’all he does——-the horns comes out😒👿 the hurt starts building and im thinking like but why what was the reason…

And guess what he’s on his way home sooo now I’m fuming and I’m hurt. My heart is telling me to let it go, don’t let him know I know but my mind is telling me to confront him to get it off my shoulders because it’s heavy yall. Boom I hear him coming in the door …..he says hi babe I say hi I have his iPad idk if he noticed it but I walk to the bathroom with it….. he changes whatnot and lays down to get some rest and I’m fuming with hurt 😔 I’m trying to hold it all in but I can’t! I walk into the bedroom he’s knocked out on the bed and I slap him in his face 😱 the look on his face was like wtf 😣 like he was lost for a moment. I’m so mad I started going at him, yelling, asking wtf is this!? And all sorts is going on. Eventually he sits up wacks his iPad kind of wacks my stomach and starts yelling idk and wtf and all sorts but I was so hurt I started texting and calling these women. And next you know it my bbys comes out and tells me mommy daddy’s leaving he said he’ll be back later.

Y’all I was so mad because this ain’t the first but I felt like I said what I felt and I felt a little peace like I was over it. Over the Hurt, over the lies and the dishonesty and disrespect because not once have I ever done what he’s done to me (13 years).

So boom he leaves…. I’m taking care the kids and there all sick mind you.

We start to texting each other and I’m going at it and then I call and I’m trying to get my point across and he’s not hearing it and giving all kinds of excuses…..then wham he starts getting angry and then starts putting blame on me.

I’m so hurt yall 😭

Why do they do that?

They know it’s wrong or they know you don’t like it and said they wouldn’t again but here we are round 2 like wtf.

Why give up 13 years for some kind of form of lust or some kind of excitement?

What do you get out of it?

Like you asked and did y’all? Or she said this so did you or do you?

And why is it when we say what if we do it to them they wouldn’t like it….then he’ll say I wouldn’t care….

Like wtf

Why hurt the person you say you love?

Why be with me so long just to do this?

And I already have low self esteem/self confidence

So it’s like wtf😔

I mean I could see if I’ve been unfaithful then yeah go right ahead but I’ve never not once.

Ugh 😑 😣 I hate this feeling

Then our bbys ends up asking when’s daddy coming home or starts to cry and ugh I know the feeling because inside I’m doing the same thing like hello I’m here 👋

I know I’ve changed but he’s changed also…. And even with marriage it makes me wonder and doubt if I should because what will happen if I do.

Why hurt a good woman?

Why do something to someone who treats you like a king and would do anything for like wtf.

Supposedly they never did anything it’s just texts and supposedly jokes.

But I’m not with the jokes

[Translated from French. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

So it all started a year ago when I met my ex-boyfriend online. We started going out after only a few days and became a long-distance couple. At first everything was going well, but at around 6 months into the relationship, he started talking to me about sex, which I wasn’t against, but it was kind of at the limit of what felt reasonable. Then things sped up until we were sending pictures and calling each other on video.

Later on I met some friends, but you should know my ex was very obsessed with me and manipulative and controlling. So I wasn’t allowed to wear what I wanted or have guy friends, and the friends I had met were a big group of guys. In that group there was one boy, pretty ordinary and nerdy, geeky, who didn’t stand out, and I fell in love with him.

So one night I decided to leave my ex by blocking him everywhere without any explanation, and that’s how I ended up single. With my friends we had so much fun, we were a big group, but we also had a smaller group of 4: two girls including me, and two boys including the boy I like. But he was a friend before anything else. We got closer, and I told my friends who the boy I liked was, but at the same time I got closer to that boy and realized it was better to have him as a friend and nothing more, because he was still another toxic guy who was better kept only as a friend.

Especially because he had gotten more popular since we became friends, and he liked another girl. He had even told me about it, but that girl is not good. Like I said, I had told my friends who I liked, and two of them wanted to help me. One of them sent a message to the boy saying the girl he liked was bad and that he knew a girl who liked him and was better.

Then that same evening I call this boy, who is my friend, and we talk normally. Then he tells me that this friend had talked to him, but what I didn’t know is that he had told him to join a call where he would say who the girl who liked him was.

After the call, I send a message to the two boys telling them I’m against the idea of telling him, and they defend themselves and then say they’re going to call him to convince him not to like the girl he likes. A bit later they send me a message saying he made a list of 4 girls he didn’t want to date, and I was in it. So then my two friends tell me they can tell him now because I have nothing left to lose. So they tell him, and his reaction is to say “ohh” in a disappointed way after finding that out, and then he said it would’ve been better if he hadn’t known.

Then the two boys admit to me that they knew from the start it would never work and that it was just entertainment. And then they added me to the group with the boy and called me again, again just for entertainment, and I didn’t join. So there you go, I’m mad at them, but at the same time they’re my friends. And I’d like to have a conversation with the boy because I want us to stay friends, but I haven’t talked to them anymore since then.

Oh and also, a little before that, I unblocked my ex because I felt bad, and also my two former best friends. But my ex wanted to get back together with me while I only wanted sex, and I’m tired of men. I feel like I want to be loved but I don’t want to be in a relationship. I want flirting, but I don’t want the guy to not be only mine. I like it when they’re obsessed, but at the same time it annoys me.

I don’t know how to find what I want and someone who agrees with it.

So yeah, if you read all the way to here, I’m grateful, and if you have any advice I’d be happy to hear it.

i can't believe how little patience i have with my kids these days. honestly, it's like every time they ask me for something (be it help with homework or just a simple question) I feel this wave of exasperation washing over me. and let's not even get started on how my wife constantly points out this flaw. sure, she's not wrong, but can't she see i'm trying my best here? parenting is no walk in the park, especially when you're juggling work and home life (and everything else in between). sometimes it feels like i've got a million things to do at once; who's supposed to handle that without snapping once in a while?!

anyway, it's incredibly frustrating because deep down, i want nothing more than to be patient and understanding with them. they're just kids after all! i know they deserve my undivided attention and support, but there are moments when i just can't muster enough energy to be the perfect dad. maybe i'm too hard on myself or maybe i'm setting unrealistic expectations for what parenthood should look like... who knows!!! either way, it's an ongoing battle that i'm fighting every day. so here's a shoutout to everyone out there trying their best despite feeling like they're always falling short 🤷‍♂️.