Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Why can't I cry anymore? It's weird, you know? I'm 23, and I remember a time when tears came so easily. Watching a sad movie or hearing someone's heartbreak used to make me tear up like a fountain. But now? Nada. Zero. Zilch. It's like my tear ducts closed up shop and went on permanent vacation. "What's the deal?" I keep asking myself. I mean, letting it all out with a good cry used to feel so liberating. Now, it feels like there's this emotional block keeping everything bottled up. Can anyone else relate to this weird sensation?

It's not like I'm super tough or have had some life-changing epiphany. I'm still the same old me, navigating through the ups and downs of life. So why the emotional drought? 😕 I'm starting to wonder if it's just this weird phase or maybe stress-related. Everyone's always like, "Be tough, be strong," and I guess I've taken it to heart a bit too much. But when I think about it, aren't tears part of what makes us human? Crying shouldn't be seen as a sign of weakness; it's a natural response; and I've kind of forgotten that. I remember someone saying that sometimes holding it together means falling apart; I guess maybe there's some truth to that?

It's not like life's a drag or anything, trust me! I still have plenty of good vibes and moments, but without the tears, it's like losing a part of expressing myself. I'm hopeful that this is just a temporary thing. Maybe one day soon, I'll watch a sappy rom-com, and the emotions will flood back, and I'll be ready with a box of tissues, crying my heart out at every plot twist. So, if anyone else has gone through this "tearless" phase, how'd you get your emotional faucet running again? Because seriously, it's about time to let those tears flow again, right?

i really thought i was doing better but i fell back into the same pit and i think ive hit rock bottom, like i really don’t have any hope for myself. im really tired of getting ignored, i’m tired of being stupid as hell, getting made fun of, coming home to a dysfunctional family, going to school having no friends, this shit is wack. i’m happy it’s my last year of school i guess? but i don’t see it getting any better. it makes me feel so empty but i have to continue on because for some idiotic reason i still don’t want to give up on myself. i don’t know what’s holding me from giving up but this weird motivation that makes me think it’ll get better keeps me alive but i know damn well it won’t deep down. and because nothing ever changes, or it gets even worse, i’m in the same cycle each day and it becomes so bland. i wanna be smart, have friends, something to pride myself in, be able to flourish in the things i enjoy, but i can’t and i don’t think ill ever be able to. i have enough luck in my life to not be in a war stricken country, shelter, food, clothes on my body, an immune system that isn’t compromised, but that is it. there is not enough luck in my life to have a loving family, friends, something to look forward to each day, intelligence, support, simply nothing else. it’s hard to appreciate waking up in the morning knowing i have to deal with this for however long because something is keeping me from giving up and i don’t see why. watch tomorrow im just gonna try again tomorrow to feel better and i’m gonna be typing something similar in a week lmao. what the fuck dude. i’m hoping someone who has gone through the same thing knows how to get over this phase? it’s getting old but i guess im here for a reason lol

i am 17 and i already know my family is rotten in the most boring and stupid way possible!!! not movie evil, not dramatic rich people evil, just the same ugly garbage every day!!! my mom acts nice in front of people and then comes home and starts picking at everything i do!!! my dad talks like he is some expert on life when really he just likes hearing himself be loud!!! my older brother copies them because being cruel is easier than having a brain, i guess??? they talk to me like i am a problem sitting in a chair, like i am some broken thing they are forced to keep around!!! if i stay quiet, they say i am rude!!! if i answer, they say i have an attitude!!! what exactly do they want then??? a wall that says sorry???

the worst part is how normal they think this is!!! they insult, mock, watch, judge, and then pretend it is just family stuff!!! they say i am too sensitive, but that is lazy trash people say when they do not want blame on them!!! every small thing becomes a lecture!!! i leave a cup somewhere, suddenly i am useless!!! i get a bad grade, suddenly i am ruining my future!!! i get a good grade, suddenly it is not enough because someone else did better!!! there is no stable rule here!!! the rule changes every hour depending on who wants to dump their bad mood on me!!! does that sound like care to you??? because to me it sounds like control with fake concern glued on top of it!!! i watch them carefully now, and it is always the same pattern!!!

so yeah, i want to escape from them!!! i am not even being dramatic, i am being practical!!! i do not mean i want some giant revenge scene or a speech or one of those fake healing talks!!! i mean i want out!!! i want a door that shuts and stays shut!!! i want one room where nobody checks my face, my phone, my tone, my steps, my food, my time, my friends!!! i save what money i can, which is not much, and i keep a list in my head of places i could maybe go when i turn 18!!! maybe work, maybe a tiny room, maybe some ugly apartment with thin walls and bad heat!!! honestly that still sounds better than this house!!! at least a bad apartment does not insult you at breakfast and then call it love!!!

i am not saying i am perfect!!! i get angry!!! i say sharp things back sometimes!!! i stop caring sometimes too, because what is the point of acting nice with people who feed on it??? but being flawed is not the same as being the cause of all this!!! that is the lie they keep pushing because it helps them sleep!!! i do not know if leaving will fix everything!!! maybe i will still feel messed up after!!! maybe i will doubt every calm person because this house trained me to wait for the hit after the smile!!! still, staying here feels worse and dumber every month!!! so i look at them like a fact, not a family!!! toxic people, limited value, high damage!!! simple enough!!! and if you are reading this and thinking i should just forgive them, based on what exactly???

I live in a broken family

My family was not like this, even if we weren’t perfect we all still loved each other and was somewhat okay. A few months ago my father had an issue with his job and left it, thus financial problems started. My sibling who is abroad does their best to support us. Our relatives from both paternal and maternal side cut contact with us and started talking behind our backs because we do not have the financial stability anymore, not even our grandparents talk to us or ask about us, even though we have never asked for money from them and never would have asked for it. But nobody even calls or texts us, instead they sometimes come over to spite us and leave us out of important familial information. This obviously broke my siblings and my heart but my parents are devastated because of this.

Gradually my parents started fighting more too, always creating this gloomy atmosphere at my house. My parents started blaming themselves at first for not being able to do the same for me as they did for my elder sibling then they started to blame me for not being a good enough student even though I’m working 24/7 to maintain a scholarship and earn money. Then my dad had to cheat. Well some might say it was not direct cheating but we caught him on a video call with another lady and saw their texts. My younger sibling hates his gut now, we had to adjust, cause what can we do, what else can be done. My parents aren’t in love anymore, not like before, I’m pretty sure if we did not exist they would divorce, at least that is what they tell me all the time.

90% of the time I feel dissociated, I don’t know if I’m supposed to thank “god” for keeping me alive or hate god for making us go through this. I hate living here now, everyone is always fighting, everyone is always depressed, it feels like even staying at my stupid university will be better than staying here.

I just want everything to end.

LIKE BRO LAST WEEK EVERYDAY FELT LIKE A FRIDAY AND I DID MY HAIR ALL BY MYSELFFFFF (wasn’t the best looking but little me would be proud‼️) LIKEEE AHHHH LIFE LAST WEEK WA PEAK🗣️ obviously there were some parts that weren’t ideal but I had them for characters development 😽 like bro and MY POTENTIAL BRO I GOTTA START MAKING CREATIVE DIGITAL PRODUCTS- frfr also anyone have animated shows/comics(not dc or marvel) recommendations?? LIKE I WASNT FEELING ALONE I DONT NEED ANYONE🗣️ WHERE WAS THIS MINDSET DURNING LAST YEAR 2023 nov-dec well speaking of potential anyone know ways of making money online??[as a high schooler] ALSO MORE STUFF LIKE ANYONE KNOW HOW TO STAY CONSISTENT bc last week would have gone so much better if I had workout😿 But I can make this week better by doing stuff💪 can’t lie the only problem I have rn is I can’t get someone out of my mind LIKE THIS MAN WAS MAKING ME ANXIOUS ON THURSDAY WHY?? his shorter than me bro 😭🙏 LITTLE ME WOULD NOT BE HAPPY 🗣️🗣️ anyway that’s alllll PONYBOY‼️‼️

so , yesterday was my so called best friends birthday , and i said hapy birthday and left them to enjoy there birthday , then i saw at 9pm at night them putting not just 1 status but 1 status and about on whatsapp saying i am done with fake people . On seeing this i messaged this person seeing if they where ok and what had gone on and the reply was i am off to bed , night . This seeming bit rude i left them to it and messaged them today again asking what had gone on , the question then still been ignored . so i was like i am trying to care but there not aloowing me too . Then got a 13 min voice note , telling me i have no respect for my self apparently that i wasnt communicating and that i seemed like a lowsy best friend .

Me being like the hell because this person allways thinks about geting her self invovled in my relationship stuff , she doesnt support what i do she doesnt like that i do what i wanna do and no one can change my mind . but if she wants help in her relationship i dont say basically dump him that she had no respect for her self ect. So i told them how i felt and said i wanted space as how upset this person made me feel but also how angry i was and tired of being made out to be the bad guy . its not the first time its happened either . its getting beyond a joke that is how they are being so yeah . i must be someone who has no respect for my self and all that . also while this person saying i am horrible i am on 3 days of migraines do they ask if i am ok nope they say i dont try hard enough

Currently, we’re providing shelter to my sister Helen and her family after their house suffered damage from Hurricane Helene (yep... bad naming coincidence...). We’ve set some ground rules while they stay with us: they must respect our space, her boys are not allowed in my daughter Lucy’s room, and they need to move out as soon as their home is repaired.

Unfortunately, Helen's sons disregarded these rules and entered Lucy's room, rummaging through her belongings. They discovered one of Lucy’s special compression bras, which she uses for her theater roles. Since she’s been involved in drama from a young age, this bra, which resembles a tank top, is essential for when she needs to portray a boy or a young girl by flattening her chest to suit the character better.

The situation escalated when Helen found the bra and discarded it.

We only noticed it was missing when Lucy was organizing her theatre kit for a play rehearsal. She’s due to play Viola in her school’s rendition of "Twelfth Night," and this bra is vital for her costume. It wasn't just any item; it cost us $50 as most of Lucy's theatre expenses like makeup and costumes are covered by us.

I approached Helen about the issue, insisting she reimburse us so we could replace the item. However, Helen resisted, citing her financial hardships and questioning the appropriateness of Lucy owning such an item. She used the phrase "boys will be boys" to dismiss her sons' behavior. Our mother has always been lenient towards Helen and thinks I’m being overly strict, especially considering Helen's current status as a financially struggling single mother without a home.

All I want is for my daughter’s possessions to be replaced. Is it unreasonable to expect that?

If this scenario unfolded on a reality TV show, viewers might witness heightened drama with hosts and audience reactions potentially split. Some might sympathize with the plight of a family losing their home, while others could argue the importance of respecting belongings and personal space, creating a polarized viewer response.

How would you feel if your relative discarded your belongings?

i’ve always had straight-a’s. i want to do good and feel accomplished once i graduate. i used to always feel so motivated to do my best, i actually had energy, i always felt like i was in control.

lately, it’s been different. i know i might be getting “burnt out” but im losing it that motivation. my a’s are turning into b’s and c’s. i know there’s bigger problems in the world but im not used to this. my motivation is gone, my homework is piling and missing assignments are growing. im so ashamed. i feel guilty for letting it get to this, but at the same time i feel like i shouldn’t feel guilty because i did this to myself. i always dd everything myself. i have no one else to blame.

most teachers are understanding and give me extensions on big assignments that i miss, and most of the time i do them. but there’s one assignment that i just can’t do. it’s killing me. its this speech for my english class. i had all of christmas break to do it. i have really bad anxiety when it comes to public speaking, so i couldn't bring myself to even start the speech knowing that i had to speak. knowing the inevitable end result, i had my first panic attack and missed my second day back from break because of it. i was given an alternative opportunity by the teacher to just give the speech to her and a few friends, but with the pile up of other assignments for my other classes, i couldn't start it even with the alternative. i lied to the teacher about my progress, and i feel horrible, and she found out. she found out that even with the accommodation and that im way passed the due date, i havent even written a sentence because i’ve been so focused on other assignments. ive never done anything like this before. im not a bad student, or maybe i am just slowly turning into one. i dont know what i’m doing. i dont know if it's my stress or im just overthinking everything.

im constantly exhausted and tired, but i dont know who to tell. i have support around me, but i hear it so much it doesn’t sound genuine. it feels like if i actually tell someone they’ll just brush it off. its like when you ask someone “how are you?” and you hear it so much that you just expect them to respond with “im good, how are you?” that if they say anything else they’ll judge. if i actually open up, they’ll judge. i dont recognize what i’m doing. its not procrastination. or maybe it is, but i cant turn my brain off. im losing sleep from stress and all i want to do is sleep, because that the only time my mind is quiet. i want to sleep, but i hate waking up. i wish i could just shut off my mind forever.

i feel like a fraud. i’ve always had high expectations, but not meeting them for the first time is crushing me. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like a failure, and i’m so scared. i dont wanna let my parents down. they’ve always been so proud. i dont think they’ll be proud when they see my report card. i never wanted to let them down, never wanted to let myself down. but i’ve done both.

At the age of 45, finding myself entrenched in a troubling situation involving my 25-year-old nephew and the rest of our family, I could certainly use some outside perspectives, as this ordeal has left me feeling extremely distressed.

Last year proved to be challenging for my nephew as he lost his job and could no longer afford his share in a flat with friends. Having been closely involved in his upbringing and nurturing a deep bond with him over the years, I felt compelled to extend my help. I had recently acquired a house specifically for rental purposes, and I allowed him to reside there while he regained financial stability. Alongside this, I provided him with a cash gift of $3,000 to cover immediate living expenses.

A few months into this arrangement, my nephew secured a position at a prestigious tech company. Over the Thanksgiving dinner, he couldn't help but boast about his considerable starting salary, which surprisingly matched what I earn after a decade at my job. Naturally, I was thrilled and proud of his accomplishments.

With the arrival of spring, I felt it was appropriate for him to transition into his own place or start contributing rent for the house he occupied. Despite his apparent financial stability—indicated by his high salary—he vehemently refused, citing convenience and alleged financial constraints as reasons to continue staying rent-free. Confused by his resistance, I proposed a rental agreement priced slightly above my mortgage cost, significantly less than the market rate, which he also declined and subsequently reduced our interactions to a minimal level.

The tension escalated when my family persuaded me to serve him a 30-day eviction notice, legally notarized, which he outright ignored. During a maintenance visit to repaint the house, he reacted aggressively and damaged property. Left with no alternative, I initiated an eviction process. Amidst this turmoil, I discovered through a security camera that he had sold several of my stored valuables, prompting me to involve the police.

Things took a darker turn when he was apprehended coming back home under the influence, resulting in drug-related charges. Now, my family blames me for exacerbating his downfall, accusing me of knowing about his substance issues beforehand, despite his condition being revealed during the police intervention. They argue I should have resolved this privately.

Through this ordeal, I have tried to maintain a balance between support and discipline, yet I find myself overwhelmed by guilt and stress. It’s clear he overstepped many boundaries, but the familial backlash is difficult to bear.

In such a predicament, I often wonder how this would unfold if it were part of a reality TV show. Would the audience empathize with my efforts to help my nephew, or would they view my actions as too harsh, given the dramatic turn of events? It's curious how reality TV can skew perceptions of real-life crises, often highlighting intense family dynamics that resonate deeply with viewers.

Am I wrong for taking such steps?

I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be packing my bags with an overwhelming sense of relief. You see, I recently discovered that my wife had been unfaithful. At first, it hit me like a punch in the gut—I was blindsided. Society often romanticizes the concept of forgiveness, but after countless sleepless nights and heart-wrenching conversations, I realized that this wasn’t a situation I wanted to mend. Sure, she feels guilty now. She cries and pleads for another chance as if our once-happy marriage could magically return to its former glory. But honestly, I don’t care if she cries. Years of my life spent trying to make it work only to have it crumble because she couldn't stay faithful? That’s on her now. Frankly, it feels liberating to embrace the idea of moving on. 😌

I’m 39, and I’ve spent much of my life trying to please others, always prioritizing their needs over my own. It’s exhausting, to say the least. I've learned that sometimes, to protect your own well-being, you must prioritize your happiness. I remember a quote from Rumi, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” I think I’ve been wounded enough. I’ve been nurturing the hope of a clean slate for quite some time now—because life is too short to wallow in despair. I deserve more—compassion, excitement, and a partner who genuinely values what we built together. No more pity parties or playing the eternal victim in a sad love story. This chapter of my life is closing, and I can almost hear the pages turning.

The thing is, life goes on. I have finally come to understand that personal freedom is far more valuable than a toxic relationship. Understanding my worth has turned a vital corner in my journey of self-discovery. If you’ve ever been in a situation like mine, let me ask you, does the weight of someone else's guilt really matter if you've already made the decision to move forward? Sure, it’s emotional and painful—no one wants to look back and see all the wistful moments being tainted. However, it's crucial to remember that we are not the mistakes we've made or the company we keep. Learning to let go and find solace in solitude has opened up a new perspective on life. I am optimistic about my future, and there's a beautiful world outside waiting for me to explore. Here’s to new beginnings! 🎉

I have been born and raised in a pretty religious family, and I always had a good relationship with god but for the past few years ( since 2023 ) it has been so rough.

At first it was okay, I was upset but I still believed that god would help me or guide me but as days passed by I saw that my family and I just constantly went under extreme horrible bad luck and bad luck. People tend to say whatever god does, does it for the betterment for you but what is this? How can we believe that god will save us when it feels like he doesn’t even listen. It’s upsetting to see honest people suffer while selfish people thrive and people say that we shouldn’t say anything as god will punish them after death.

There is this pretty important thing coming up for my religion but honestly I’m not even excited, for the first time in my entire life I’m having second thoughts about whether or not I should perform it.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe god exists and I do want to fix my relationship with my religion but sometimes just sometimes, I just tend to think that it is all so pointless.

( sorry for the confusing rant lol, I just wanted to vent )

It’s the fifth day I’ve been trying to cope with my anxiety, and honestly, I feel like I’m barely holding it together. So my job isn’t anything special - just a convenience store, but even the smallest things feel like mountains. When my co-workers or manager tell me to sort things or do some task, my brain freezes. I have ADHD, the inattentive type, and it’s like my mind just refuses to focus, no matter how much I push myself. Then I feel useless for not being able to do something that seems so easy for everyone else. I know deep down this job isn’t for me. I’m the creative type - I share my art on Tumblr and SpaceHey, but I dropped out of college, and my parents didn’t take that well. Now... I’m stuck, trying to make enough for therapy and to keep my apartment, while feeling like I’m slowly wearing myself out haha. I don’t even know where to put all these thoughts anymore... I just wanted to scream them somewhere into the nowhere, and maybe someone will hear me. That’s why I’m here. I keep telling myself it’s temporary, that I just have to get through this week, this month, maybe this year… but it’s exhausting living like that. Every shift feels like I’m running on fumes, pretending I’m fine while my chest feels tight and my brain feels like static. >_<

I’m also running out of my meds, which doesn’t help at all... I work on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday, but even on my so-called “free” days, I can’t really take care of it. Either one of my co-workers doesn’t show up and I have to cover for them, or I have to spend the time trying to get therapy appointments. It feels like there’s never a break, like my life is just a loop of working, being too tired, and trying to keep my head above water.

my story doesn't fall into family drama but I couldn't find another fitting category

so...I'm a student in university and I have this exam coming. Fail and you pay quite a huge amount to rebook.

I've been trying to study for it since Sun and I've been stuck on module 1(a 2 hour educational video) ever since. I've only managed to study 40 mins. I'm delayed due to procrastination and laziness and I'm forever fighting for time. I sit and try to study in my room so I hardly see my family even though it's my study break right now.

a few minutes ago, I was on a call with my grandparents and they said they won't speak to me much and occupy my time since they know I have an exam coming. they teared up while mentioning that I always work so hard and that they pray I do well and ace the exam.

it hurts to know that I'm not even working that hard, I'm not even putting in that much effort even though I have the time and means and yet they all hold me so high. how do I tell them that I don't work that hard - not studying 24/7 because I'm so lazy and a procrastinator ? internally I'm broken because I know my truth and I can't find the heart to tell anyone here that I can't find myself to sit for long enough with full concentration and be efficient and productive without getting distracted and needing to watch something to make me feel happy and less ...lonely ? I don't know

I was supposed to leave a question but I honestly don't know what my point was and I don't know what I'm feeling or what I need to ask 😭

thank you for listening to me!

i just feel like a complete failure lately. i’m 25, been working in IT for three years now, and every single day feels like i’m just fallin further and further behind everyone else. when i first got the job, i was excited, proud even. i thought i had made it, like all the hard work at university was finally paying off. but it didn’t take long to realize that i’m not even close to being on the same level as my coworkers. they fix things in minutes that would take me hours, they talk about complex stuff like AI integration, server security, backend architecture like it’s nothin and i’m just sittin there nodding like i understand when really my brain is just screaming "what are they even saying??". i’ve tried, like really tried, staying late, taking online courses, practicing coding at night when all i want to do is sleep, but it never feels like enough. it’s like there’s this wall between me and everyone else’s skills and no matter how hard i hit it, i cant break through. and now with AI getting better and better, i’m scared outta my mind. like what if they realize they don’t need someone like me anymore? what if some smart system can do my job faster, cheaper, better? sometimes i can barely breathe thinking about it, the panic just sittin heavy in my chest. a few weeks ago my manager called me in for a review and it was awful, he didn’t yell or anything but the words hurt worse, like he was disappointed, like he expected more outta me by now. he said i needed to "step up" and "take more ownership of my projects" but all i heard was "you’re not good enough" over and over in my head. i nodded, said all the right things, promised to work harder but inside i just felt numb. and ever since then, i’ve been walking around like a ghost, second guessing every single thing i do, terrified that one wrong move and they’ll just cut me loose. some nights i lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about what i’ll do if i lose this job, and honestly, i don’t have an answer. i don’t have a backup plan. i dont even have much savings. it’s not like companies are lining up to hire some average IT guy when AI can write code faster and cleaner than i ever could. i used to love tech, used to get excited about new updates and cool stuff being invented, but now it just feels like a countdown to when i get replaced. it’s exhausting, feeling like you’re drowning every single day and pretending you’re fine just to survive a little longer. and the worst part is i feel like it’s all my fault, like if i was smarter, faster, better, i wouldn’t be in this mess. i don’t know how much longer i can fake it, how much longer i can keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the day i finally catch up. because deep down, i’m starting to realize that maybe i won’t. maybe this is just who i am—a failure trying to keep up in a world that’s moving faster than i ever could.

I am so fucking done living in this body that is tearing itself apart but refuses to die. Most of the time its manageable. Enough to make me believe that maybe im capable of what ive always dreamed. But one bad day. One missed dose. And im reminded of how horribly my body wishes to be rid of me.

It starts at my core spreading like a fungus. Spreading through every part of me and refusing to do the very thing its designed to do. To keep every part alive. To keep me alive. And it just fucking wont. It chips away from the inside. Trying to chip my soul away from my body. Digging my ribs away from the muscle. Feeling like pieces are snapping and stabbing in ways I'll never be able to fix. The blackness, the whiteness, the stars that overtake me if i dare to raise my head. Im fighting with myself to control any part of my body. My arms often being the last thing standing. My legs gave way long ago and my torso was never there to begin with.

I am pulling myself up with every ounce of strength i have  to be back on the ground but not even here am i safe. Everything moves. All of existence moves and spins in a dance that i cannot appreciate. I spin and tilt in a cruel carnival no matter if my eyes are open or shut.

Then for a moment I see with clarity. As if im faking it. Yeah im faking it. Its all in my head theres nothing wrong with me. My vision steady and everything normal. But i know the truth. Im not faking it. I wish that i were. Because people's bodies dont crush in on themselves for a little attention. And I dont what's worse. The problem itself or the little moments of calm in the middle that remind me of what could be. Because just as suddenly as the moment is there. Its gone.

Laying on the floor i know where i am because if i stand up i wont know. I wont know who or what i am. Because no matter how hard i try im forced to the ground in one way or another. By choice or by force.

It might ignorable. I could pretend i really chose to ɓe low as possible. If it werent for the sounds. They never stop. Every hum of electricity, trickle of a tap, the brush of a hand on something. Its amplified. I cant stand it. Every sound this existence offers becomes a cacaphony i cant drown out. It builds and builds while im screaming inside. I try but theres no escape. Not really.

Just to press salt in the wound my body has created in my soul, it adds nausea to the mix. Because what fucking sadistic asshole wouldnt. Wracking my insides. Rarely actually puking. But a dry heaving for hours. Unyielding. My stomach is forced into my lungs if i dont use every fiber of my being to control it.

I wish that any part could be the end of it. But no, my body says. Not allowed to die.

Im dying but not allowed to die.

Its not as if I havent tried before. Or that it hasnt tried before. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. A bathtub, a mask, a gun, a heart attack.... Im not afraid of death. Ive stared into its eyes too many times to be afraid of it. But i am terrified of living. Living just two steps away of my body trying to forcibly split from my soul.

I wonder if all the joy ive felt before is worth it. If I can really build a future continuing to live like this? Will i bring children into this world and if I do how selfish would it be knowing that i may have given them a curse like me? Can I truly keep them safe if just like me their bodies are dying from the inside out? And I wonder selfishly if i'll ever be able to have kids at all. Because thats what i worry about of all things. If my body will ever be capable of doing the one thing i have ever truly wanted more than anything.