Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

TW: Suicide and SA

How do I even start this? My parents screwed me over. I got my mom's anxiety, and my dad's depression and addiction. I didn't learn about any of this until it was too late. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years, and the addiction gene just feeds of that shit. My parents treat my sister like shit and they fight a lot and vent to me about everyone and everything, so the addiction just moves me to another place in my mind. The first addiction I ever had was to hurting myself, and that nearly put me in the hospital. But I was getting help and had a couple good months, so I thought I was ok. But I didn't focus on the other problem developing. At first it was fine, but now I get blackout or close to blackout drunk every weekend (sometimes during the week), and I just want to stop, but I am surrounded by it all the time. I go to a party school and all my friends like to drink. I don't feel forced to drink, it just gives me an excuse to.

One time when I was out and drinking with friends, I was SA'ed. I had never been more disappointed in myself in my life and I wanted to disappear. Instead of taking the chance to make this a learning lesson, I continued to make horrible decisions. Only a few people know, but they only know parts. I told them that I only remember what he looked like and not his name, which is a lie. During the attack, I sobered up a bit, and I remember almost everything. I look over my shoulder a lot, hoping my past mistake doesn't come back to haunt me.

After a couple months, I hadn't gotten my period since the attack, and I was so fucking scared. I didn't speak or see any of my friends for 4 days, until after I took the test. The worst part of the whole week was the realization that I was not pregnant. At first, I had never been so relieved, but now I just feel like something is missing. I look at myself and I can feel apart of me missing. I don't know if it's the innocence I lost from that night, or what could have been.

I just got back from a trip with friends, and none of them really suspect anything of what I have been feeling. And I feel like a terrible person for feeling like this, because I should be happy and shit, but I'm not. This is not the worst I have ever felt, but it is close. I always thought I would grow up to be someone my past self would admire, but I think now I would just scare her.

I want to be not human for a bit. I want to take away my feelings, just for a time. Would that everything worse, probably. But at this point, I just want God to take away my pain.

My father and his new wife, both having lost their previous spouses, found solace in each other's company when I and my soon-to-be stepsister were just about five years old. They met through a support group for widowed parents, or at least, that's what they've always claimed. I've always had a sneaking suspicion that their romantic involvement kicked off far sooner than they're willing to admit, possibly because they're uncomfortable with the idea of having moved on so quickly given the circumstances and having young kids involved.

Life for us kids morphed into a mesh of shared outings and sleepovers, blending our families even before we truly recognized what was happening. My stepsister, Katie, was a particularly reserved child, hypersensitive to any form of critique and exceedingly shy. I found myself almost forced into the role of her protector and confidante, responsibilities that felt cumbersome even at a young age. When our parents finally revealed they were indeed a couple, my frustration only deepened as I realized Katie and I were indefinitely bound beyond mere friendship.

Katie clung to me incessantly in school, trailing my footsteps which only amplified my resentment. My father’s idea of us blossoming into sisters seemed more a figment of his desires than a feasible reality. Despite his insistence, my protests about needing personal space and time with other friends fell on seemingly deaf ears.

The arrival of our half-siblings only intensified the household dynamics. While I adored them, it was obvious my affection wasn’t mirrored towards Katie, which didn't go unnoticed by my stepmother. Accusations of favoritism and causing discord amongst the siblings were hurled at me, even though Katie's own aloofness contributed to her isolation. Efforts to integrate her more into our lives through family therapy were short-lived, mainly because the sessions didn't align with what my parents hoped to achieve.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was their plan for Katie and me to embark on our college journeys together. Desperate to maintain my autonomy, I secretly coordinated with my grandfather to escape this overbearing setup. This June, I moved in with him, opting for a local community college instead, much to my parents' dismay upon discovery. The backlash was severe – accusations of deceit and selfishness were rampant.

If my life were part of a reality show, I imagine viewers might be fiercely divided. Some would likely celebrate my quest for independence, while others might criticize it as selfish and rash. It would certainly stir up plenty of debates on family dynamics and individuality versus family obligations.

Am I wrong for wanting to pursue my own path? Was it right for me to move out and avoid attending college with my stepsister?

TW: sexual assault

Hi um so I'm posting here because I really don't have anywhere else to talk but I've been having a lot of trouble recently. I've been remembering a lot of the bad things that happened to me when I was a kid and it's a lot and idk what to do because I can't stop remembering it. From the ages of 9-11 my best friend who was the same age and gender as me kind of like molested me? I don't know if it counts because we're both girls and the same age but she would do a lot of things to me. I don't wanna get into a lot of details but it happened at least once a week and it did involve penetration with her fingers. I remember it happening a lot and she'd "experiment" on me, and one time our parents walked in. They were really mad and her parents stopped talking to us for a week but she convinced them it wasn't that bad and we were just "playing doctor" but she never stopped after that and I'd tell her I didn't like it but she would tell me I'm pathetic and if I didn't do this I wouldn't be her best friend, so I did. It went on until she moved to a different state and I honestly forgot about it until like a few months ago and I've been recalling everything she'd done to me and idk what to do because I feel disgusting and I can't stop thinking about it and I know it wasn't a super big deal bcs yk we were both kids but I still can't get it out of my head and it's like scaring me and idk what to do and idk if it even counts because we were both kids and we were both girls but I think I've been spiraling downhill recently and I realize how a lot of the stuff I do like being awkward in convos or having trouble with physical touch is partially due to this and I just hate myself for it because I can't get over it and I can't even hug my own friends without getting weirded out and I'm sorry for ranting I'm just really in a bad place rn with this and I can't stop thinking about it eve though it happened years ago

I feel fake sometimes like life isn't real in short episodes sometimes a few times a day the most. but I don't know why I feel like this. one second I'm fine just living the next I'm convinced nothing is real that I'm not real. it's really scary. but I don't think I'm describing it well so imma cut this short.

sincerely,

melody (13, f)

I am a single mother of two kids (6 months and 5 years). I chose to be a single mother (my kids are donor conceived).

I’m lucky enough to have a good job as a French teacher in a private school, and I have a paid-off house thanks to my parents' life insurance and inheritance.

Before having my kids, I saved a year’s worth of living expenses so I could take a sabbatical to recover from birth and bond with them. While on sabbatical, I still tutor some kids for extra income.

My friend (34F) just had a baby 2 months ago. She is the breadwinner in her household, and her husband has been unemployed since he was laid off during COVID.

It was great to be pregnant at the same time as my friend and have someone with a newborn, but things have turned sour.

She’s been saying how jealous she is of me being able to take a whole year off work, how she wishes she didn’t have to worry about losing their home, and how she doesn’t even have a couple hundred dollars in savings, let alone a year’s worth of living expenses.

I usually ignore it or brush it off because I kind of understand the stress she’s under.

About 10 days ago, she started hinting that she can’t afford daycare, and any mention of her husband taking care of their kid is brushed off. She then started remarking on how much free time I must have, which I deflected by saying truthfully that being a single mom to a baby and a small kid leaves me no free time.

Last night, she finally asked if I could “do her a favor” and watch her kid while she’s at work. I was firm but polite when I said that I couldn’t; I am not capable of watching two kids under 6 months.

She started almost begging me, saying she can’t afford daycare and if she doesn’t go back to work, she’ll lose her job and they’ll end up homeless. I brought up her husband again, and she said he wasn’t good with kids and isn’t capable of taking care of their kid.

I kept saying no, she kept pushing until it escalated to her calling me heartless, and me telling her that it’s not my problem she chose to have a kid with a useless man.

Now she’s blocked me, and I feel very guilty about what I said. I feel like shit.

If this situation happened on a reality show, I wonder how the audience would react. Would they think I was being too harsh, or would they understand my point of view? Would my friend be seen as sympathetic, or would people criticize her for her choices and the position she’s put herself in?

Hey so idk if this is just a hormonal feeling but lately it's getting hard for me to talk to my own friends about how I feel. I heard so many times on social media that people's friends are so sick of their friends venting to them. And I'm kinda scared and tbh last time I vented it felt like it got so brushed aside so easily. I feel like I'm being annoying. At school i use to just do stupid things with my friends but after I found out my crush said I was annoying and someone (who's pretty) said I don't stand a chance with them repeatly. Even my dad always said means things to me like being stupid or useless. I got kind of use to his mockery. When he found out I liked them he just said I wasn't good enough for them. I feel like social media is too blame as well but now I feel like I lost confidence in myself and my interest. especially at social events one of my friend's is very social so they usually sit with alot of people and idk how to include myself without feeling suffocated or childish. My problems feel so irrelevant and stupid to others.

But I still want to know how to get rid of this feeling because I feel like I'm pushing my friends away and I really don't want to end up alone.

So my long distance boyfriend and I have been together only for a few months. I’m his first girlfriend and he’s definitely been the best boyfriend I’ve had so far. We have pretty good communication and we’re both very open with each other. I know his friends for one. And one of the first friends I learned about was a girl named Katie. Now I don’t mind if he has friends who are girls, because I’d rather trust him than be suspicious of his every move. My mindset has always been that the truth will come out anyway so if he does cheat, I’ll learn at some point, I don’t need to go chasing after that information.

But that’s besides the point. Him and Katie have been friends for a long time. And I’ve heard some disturbing stuff about her. She’s said some pretty mean shit to hi, that are things he’s insecure and worried about in his life. She said that he was a bum and that he was throwing his life away, just because he took a gap year from college to figure out if that’s actually what he wanted to do. And when she learned about me and how we’re long distance, she was like dude wtf? Which was super off putting to me. She acts like such a hater to him. What makes this worse is that he even said that she reminds him of his dad, who he has had a lot of issues with. So that made me really concerned about this friendship. He even blocked her because she was grilling him for struggling to find a job after he got fired, and he said he couldn’t take feeling like he’s disappointing her. Mind you, she’s not even in college or has a job, but she’s on him for this stuff.

I don’t know if I should talk about it with him. I don’t like her and how she talks to him, it’s not right. He works so hard and he’s been doing better than she claims. She’s filling his head with doubts about his own capabilities, calling him mentally ill and that he needs serious help, when there’s nothing wrong with him. I’m worried about talking about this because she’s his friend but, I wish he’d set some boundaries on how she talks to him. I hated hearing say “what if she’s right and I’m throwing away my life and fucking it up by being myself?” That’s a horrible thing for a friend to say. Accountability doesn’t have to be so mean.! I just don’t know if I should tell him how I feel or not.

So guys, this is about some stuff where I need your guidance and experience with this. I'm a young teen, and I have some stuff which bums me out like some chronic illnesses. I suffer eczema, and have been since I was 2 years old. As much as I have the creams, I hate putting them. I hate feeling that I can't ever be a girl who can wear makeup or dress up like a regular girl my age, I can only put on creams and Vaseline with lip balm. I feel like a stone with eczema, not a girl. I even developed a new set of allergies from cat fur, so now I can't even pet my cousins's three pet cats without sneezing and swelling up, and I discovered this while being at their place and one time in Malaysia, in a cat cafe when I petted a chonky cat, rubbed my eyes and it swelled. Now my orthodontist saw that my adenoids and tonsils are more sensitive than usual, hence why I cough more easily when eating cold ice cream or drinking cold stuff. Maybe I have asthma because my maternal grandma has for many decades now, and while hers has gotten better (she doesn't use an inhaler much and stays with the three cats), but she's 64 now. Now with a lot of these health concerns, I wanna give up so badly.

I don't wanna meet up with an allergist or ENT or dermatologist because it's too expensive for my parents and besides, my paternal grandpa used to be a dermatologist, and he was kinda brash. He would yell at everyone, like, EVERYONE, at work, patients, his family and he's now quite jaded with many things, binging all sorts of carbs and foods and not going out much. He's 75 now. I just wanna give up, I already don't feel like a girl and I hate my eczema, my tonsils, my allergies, and my fear of developing asthma because they're part of the atopic triad. I just wanna doomscroll, not do anything, binge all the snacks and sweets to become like my grandpa, and isolate from people because they are all more normal than me. I feel so hopeless, and I wanna know, if anyone is like me. Anyone who's a teen, or anyone with asthma, eczema, or allergies, I wanna know.

bassically, its only like the third day back at school? and my mental health has already plumetted. like people decide to just drop their shit on me and run like its the wind. one of my friends wont stop traumadumping whenever I'm near. and another is just going around showing videos of him cutting himself. and everyone is just constantly dropping their trauma onto my back without asking. nor do they ever consider it might be fucking triggering.

I reside in a peaceful suburban community, and I've come upon a recurring issue with my neighbor’s guests using my driveway for parking without seeking permission first. Despite my gentle requests on multiple occasions, explaining the inconvenience it causes me as I need the space for my own car, the issue persists. They seem to disregard my appeals, continuing to occupy the driveway whenever they visit. Considering their lack of response, I’m thinking about installing a “No Parking” sign to curb this activity, although I'm wary this might strain the relationship with my neighbor further. To my dismay, my neighbor has responded quite negatively to my grievances, accusing me of making a mountain out of a molehill since it happens only sporadically and, according to them, isn't that bothersome.

The situation has become very frustrating, and it leads me to wonder what would happen if this scenario played out in a reality TV show. Would the audience side with me, or would they view my actions as over the top? Reality shows thrive on conflict, and this kind of neighborhood squabble could potentially spiral into a much larger drama, drawing opinions and reactions not only from the local community but also from a national audience. Depending on the show, producers might highlight my frustrations or perhaps paint me as the antagonist for causing a rift over something as seemingly trivial as a parking spot.

If this matter was featured in "Neighborhood Wars" or a similar reality show, it would be interesting to see the reaction of the audience. Would they sympathize with my need for personal space and order or accuse me of being petty? Reality shows have a way of magnifying problems, and the input from a host or mediator might offer new perspectives on resolving such disputes amicably, something I think could be actually useful back in my real-life situation.

Should I install a “No Parking” sign? Would love to know your thoughts on this...

Returning from what I thought would be a peaceful escape has left me feeling more stressed than ever. The trip was supposed to be a break, a moment to breathe and recharge, but instead, it turned into a series of unfortunate events. Delayed flights, unexpected weather, and a general sense of chaos surrounded me, completely derailing my plans for relaxation. Every time I thought I might find a moment of calm, something else would pop up, reminding me that tranquility was not in the cards.

When I finally got home, I was greeted not with the soothing embrace of my own space but with an avalanche of responsibilities. It’s like everything I had put off while I was gone waited just for my return to unleash itself upon me. Work tasks were piling up, each one demanding my immediate attention, while household chores seemed to multiply exponentially in my absence. I tried to reclaim some sense of peace, but it felt utterly futile.

Why does life today require us to operate at full speed all the time? It seems like we are all just running on this endless treadmill, and the moment you think you can take a breather, life decides to crank up the speed. There are studies that say this constant feeling of unrest is pretty common nowadays, and I guess that makes sense. But even knowing that doesn’t help much when you’re in the thick of it. There’s this nagging doubt creeping in: can anyone really find a balance between work and personal life? Or is that just another fantasy we’re sold while we drown in responsibilities?

So, just to give some context I'm the same person from this one: https://iiwiars.com/family-drama/i-hate-myself-and-nothing-that-is-happening-to-me-is-helping

Things aren't going better, I try to concentrate more on the good things than the bad ones but shit still happens way too much. My dad keeps getting angry at my brother, my brother doesn't care about anything and he keeps having these outbursts if things don't go how he plans and he just says he won't do that thing anymore, my mom's tired and I still hate this place.

Some years ago I honestly thought about escaping (tiktok at that time played a part in it too), right now though I don't think that anymore, it's not because I don't want to get the hell out of here but because I just because I can't do it. If I had an option to just teleport to a better family and better place I would right now.

My dad, well from the last post I already said he's not the best, but I feel like now he's getting worse. All he does is get home from work and slouch on the couch using his phone, then saying we are the ones addicted to it when he won't even get up and get off his phone to grab the charger in the other room and instead order us to do it. because yeah, I can't say no, if I do I'll have my phone, tablet and computer blocked because at 15 I still have parental control on all of them (they can see my position, what apps I download, what sites I visit and some things are age restricted or blocked directly). I don't like it and I've tried multiple times to ask them to change it since they say they use it only to look at my position and I give them another app only for that and he says it's not my choice and that as long as they like it then there's no need to change it, he says that if I had nothing to hide then I wouldn't need to change the app. Me or my brother don't eat at dinner or eat little? it's because we had a lot of snacks, even when we haven't had any, and sometimes we're forced to still eat more even though we don't want to, otherwise everything gets blocked. For a period I had my bedroom door taken away because whenever he called me I wouldn't hear because I kept it closed and so he took it off and I didn't know how to put it back on, which is an incredible shitty thing because where's my privacy? well he said "what privacy? it's just your bedroom". this all in the span of some years, like middle school until now. I can't wear some clothes because they're 'only for carnival' (it's alright fashion, goth type of things, nothing that shows ass or boobs, just specific type of jewelry that maybe has bats and spiders or was 'Halloween -like').

Another things that makes me really uncomfortable is the hypocrisy of him. My brother (who's 13) has a female friend that he's close to, they all praise him because he could be having a girlfriend. I have a close male friend and he says he would beat up any boyfriend I'll have. that makes me super uncomfortable because, why can't I have the freedom to get a partner, why can't I just be romantically involved with someone without the fear of being found out? (I never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend and tbh sometimes I think what stops me is in a little part also because of this).

then once I went out with my best friend and her boyfriend and we went around the town in his car, he's responsible and he's had his driving licence for enough to be trusted. but when I told my dad he said to not go in the car again and if I do it again he's gonna go to him and beat him till he bleeds (obviously him still going in his car with my friend and him, just not telling my dad and when I get dropped off, always away from my house).

I cannot swear, I don't mean I can't say incredibly bad swear words, I mean that if I only say 'f*ck' and he hears it he'll get angry. I don't get why? I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not saying it to anyone, I'm not insulting anyone. but he can swear against God (I'm not religious but it's still a swear word, even worse than that) and we cannot say anything about that, he can be racist and homophobic and we can't say shit about that. the only time my brother confronted him about it (I'm way too scared to do it myself that one day he'll just snap and get real angry or get violent, especially because sometimes he threatens to beat us if we don't act good) he answered that he wasn't racist but some (words I'm not going to say) are just all criminals.

I hate this place and sometimes I want them to just get a divorce, but I get scared: what if end up with my dad? what if instead of my mom getting better, she gets worse? what will happen to us?

I just hate it.

I love lying to myself.

“It’s for me, so I can be happier!”

It’s for him, because I didn’t want it to become toxic.

“I’m not mad!”

I’m pissed, but with myself.

“It’s ok. I don’t care anymore. they’re all in my past!”

My hands are shaking.

It wasn’t you.

It was me.

It was all me.

I’m right here.

Can’t you see I’m waiting?

I took too long.

I ventured to far.

While you were waiting.

So does that make me the monster?

Does that mean I’m in the wrong?

I was the problem, hiding all along.

M y h a n d s a r e s h a k i n g .

If I could take us back, if I could just do that

And write in every empty space the words “I love you” in replace

Then maybe time would not erase me

If you could only know I never let you go

And the words I most regret

Are the ones I never meant to leave

Unsaid Emily

I just had an intense argument with my mom, which led me to cry in the closet room for almost an hour. I don't want to go through the details of what happened. Let's just say one small thing lead to whole chaos. I thought about me and hers relationship together and I wondered if she actually cares about me. Ig she argued with me like she didn't, still, it hurt. Bc she's never actually listened to what I have to say. She always goes off rambling about whatever expecting to listen through. Then a few hours later, my dad rages over my brother like the hundredth time and beats him with a belt. Somehow, I got involved with his scolding bc the pathaway to my door was a mess with books and papers (it wasn't really mess, more like random stuff on the floor bc there's a bookshelf outside of my door) and he always has to include something hurtful and unnecessary to his scoldings. The worst part about all this is when it ends, bc when it does, it seems like everything goes back to normal, except now I'm a mental wreck contemplating about why sin did I committed in a past life to get emotionally and psychological abused by two emotionally self absorded nitwits who talk their asses off like they get paid for every sentence that say. I honestly thought about ending my life, I've been thinking about it for a long time now but its more of a traumatic response that something constant. But I'm really considering it now since I feel trapped in my parents' home and running away seems too terrifying to me. I just wished that they acc made an effort to care about me as an individual but ofc, they have like 5 other children to take care of, which they had WILLINGLY, so who gives a shit about their children's mental wellbeing.

Heyah👋🏻😄!!

I was in search of a pearl necklace for my cousin's Bar Mitzvah, so I could wear them. And I don't know anything about fancy-pants jewelry🫠. My cousins that I currently live with are fancy-pants people😅. So, they suggested something unusual🫥!! "Just don't look at the price tag"🏷️. Like WHAT😱!!! It's also difficult to find "real" pearls with a decent quality... And I found a necklace with a bracelet and earrings for $50, but my cousins suggested one that was $150🦪. I ended up getting the $150 necklace set, but I feel like I'm waiting their money, even though they offered to buy it for me🥹. They've done so much for me after my mom passed away, that I don't know how to pay them back😭!! Of course they keep saying that I don't have to pay them back... But I was raised to believe that there aren't any free hand outs😮‍💨. And I suppose my overall view of the world is based on logic and contractual beliefs. If there isn't a contract, or an equal way to pay someone back for kindness, then I just feel very uncertain🥺. I hope everything will be okay, but I'm grateful that I get to wear a nice necklace... Even if it's only for a bit, since I don't know when I'll get my next job, since I'm on a break🫠.