Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

In my line of work within a specific branch of government, we have a close-knit community. Among my colleagues is someone I'll refer to as Sara, who recently put me in a rather precarious situation. Sara and I have always had a decent working relationship, strictly professional, and she's known for her integrity.

Sara came to me with a request to help her secure a personal loan of $25,000. Her objective is to purchase a space to set up a store in her hometown, aiming to boost her husband’s financial stability.

Personally, I’ve managed to stay debt-free and cautious about any financial engagements. Trusting Sara wasn’t the issue, but the magnitude of the loan and its implications made me anxious. I expressed my reservations, telling her, “I understand this is crucial for you, but I’m not comfortable with the risk associated with cosigning such a substantial sum. It’s a serious financial commitment, and I’m not ready to undertake that risk.”

This response led Sara to become visibly upset and emotional. She retorted, “You don’t trust me? This store is our chance to secure our financial future! The bank won’t consider my husband because he doesn’t have a job right now. I really thought you could help me.”

Although I felt awful for declining, my stance was firm based on my own financial principles—something influenced by my admiration for financial guru, Dave Ramsey, and his skepticism towards debt.

Now, the atmosphere between Sara and me has grown tense, and she's scarcely conversing with me. The guilt for not aiding her does linger, yet I remain convinced that prioritizing my financial health was the right choice.

Was I wrong to refuse to cosign her loan?

Imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show. The cameras capturing every detail, the audience likely split in their sympathies. The pressures of public opinion could potentially sway my decision or make the fallout from my refusal even more dramatic. How would the audience react, watching these personal and financial dilemmas unfold in real time? Would they champion my cautious approach, or condemn it as unsympathetic?

When I first settled into the place next door to my elder brother, Thomas, and his wife, I felt pretty comfortable. Thomas has always been keen on mechanics and was thrilled about the spacious four-stall garage on my new property, plus the snug two-stall attachment to the house. From the beginning, it seemed my family assumed I wouldn't require all this space. Thomas started using the front garage right away, and initially, I didn't mind.

As time went by, Thomas brought over more of his belongings. Despite having ample storage on his own property including a garage and two sheds, my space started filling up. I tried to overlook this; after all, I hadn’t needed the extra space, upholding a 'don't sweat the small stuff' attitude. However, within a year, not only my back garage but also my front garage and basement began accumulating Thomas' stuff.

The clutter didn’t truly bother me until my boyfriend, Jake, moved in. Jake was quick to point out the inconvenience posed by the overflowing storage, particularly as he contemplated buying a boat or camper which we'd have nowhere to store. Gradually, I realized this arrangement might be inadvertently encouraging Thomas's hoarding tendencies, especially since I was beginning to declutter my own possessions.

Just last week, Thomas showed up intending to store two more boxes in my attic. Seeing that I’m trying to minimize clutter throughout my house, I stood my ground and refused. While Thomas seemed to take it well, the real extent of how he felt became apparent shortly after.

This weekend, Jake and I returned home to find Thomas clearing out his stored items from my back garage, preparing to place them into newly purchased sheds. His actions felt sudden and emotional, although he insisted he was fine. But after some insistance, his wife revealed that my refusal to accept the attic boxes upset him to the extent that he decided to withdraw all his belongings from my property.

Talking to Thomas' wife and my own family shed more light on their perspectives; they all seemed to empathize with Thomas more than with me. My mom, despite recently decluttering herself, and even our mutual friends sided with him, which makes me question what version of the story they've heard. Jake, thankfully, supports me, recognizing the importance of establishing clear boundaries.

The whole situation leaves me frustrated. I hate causing distress to my brother, but at the same time, I am relieved his stuff is finally being cleared out. I feel a mix of guilt for drawing these boundaries, as it's natural for me to try to please others, but I'm exasperated that everyone but Jake views me negatively for it.

I wonder how this family drama would play out if it was under the scrutiny of reality TV cameras. Would the audience see me as being unreasonable or would they empathize with my plight for personal space? Reality TV tends to dramatize conflicts, so perhaps my stance might either be seen as a heroic stand for personal boundaries or painted as overly harsh and insensitive.

so I have a lil crush on my friend Katy (I swear I've vented about her too much)

today she emailed me

and...

she asked if I would want to kiss her.

I do like her, but not THAT much, like I'd be fine with a kiss on the cheek but anything else is just a no for me

I'm just not ready for that

but Idk how to say it bc I don't want to upset her...

what do I do?

I won't share my age or anything, I just need to get it off of my chest.

So, I have this friend, we can call her S to make is easier, S does sports, running, she serves at a church and grew up in a home where her dad was a marathon runner and had a spacious home growing up, no siblings.

I'm just here, no sports experience besides a bit of badminton and frisbe, no teams, I barely go out and I have to sleep with my dad to make sure he needs something, sometimes I sleep on my own bed in a room me and my older sister shares, my older sis sleeps in another bed.

I know writing this makes me sound whiny and pathetic, but I genuinely wonder if she knows if what she says about me is just a joke and won't affect me. "Your such a big back!" "Of course you take your anger out" "Imagine tryna insult me" along with being hypocritical, she would say were 'past a song' then proceeds to play it?? "No one cares that you ate 2 popcorn bags" Well I'm sorry, but no one cares that you thought a noise was something else or that you think the teacher did something 'sus' as you call it. It makes me get an overwhelming sense of emotions, anger, sadness or outright tiredness.

I know she means well but I can't seem to be well myself, I'm confused about my emotional state to the point where I rather be alone with a pen and paper than be with my actual friends, but instead, I lash out and do things I regret after calming down.

I hate this, I hate how I'm supposedly the friend she's talk to if she doesn't have anyone else to comfort or to talk to. I'll be talked to if we're either sitting together or she's with others she doesn't like.

But hey, in the end I'm just 'the introverted artist' friend. S, we aren't in some youtube shorts POV, its real life and what you say to me is gonna make me have second thoughts.

... Man, I sound like I'm complaining, sorry.

i care for one of my friends greatly, and i really do love being friends with them, but i also feel a deep-rooted hatred toward them.

i've realized their actions toward me are negative, and i hate how ive been treated, but i still feel a close connection. this hatred with how ive been treated has turned into hatred for them in general, and i feel very guilty for it.

how can i get past this, or explain it to them, without sounding like a bad person?

I was completely fed up with my boss, sick of him, I couldn't take it anymore. His inconsistencies overwhelmed me, and I did whatever it took to get away from him. I was sick of being unstable, and for so long, in that other place he left me, I was completely out of sorts. He sold me the illusion that everything was fine, at the cost of making the world a pleasant place for him, leading me into traps I had to jump over and over again. He told me he was the best, when he wasn't, and I made sure that story wasn't believable under any circumstances. He wasn't going to boast about my achievements like my father had, but that's not something he was interested in, and I wasn't interested in being like that. Every time I talked to him, it was a barrage of questions, doubts, without me being able to say anything. I kept escaping his attempts to control me. I no longer cared whether he understood or not; all I cared about was finally being at peace. If they weren't going to give me any peace, I had to find it. I wasn't going to allow myself to be unstable, and I no longer cared about his status or anything like that. It was something that was going to happen, period. He owed it to me, just like the position I have now, which I've also turned into his worst nightmare, because he doesn't count on me at all. I'm only there on behalf of the company; I'm an extension of it, and boy, do they want him there at all. He has to find a way to avoid ending up in a worse situation than he already is, but that always involves settling his debts, and more debts. It's incredible all the invasive and manipulative ways he's learned to manipulate appearances. Indeed, this man didn't dedicate himself to being an educator, as he claims, but to being a tyrant, exploiting others' resources, and having everything under his control. That era is over. It's time he pays society back for everything he's absorbed in such a radically parasitic way. We professionals have had to put up with his antics because of the good image he projects, which is nothing more than a despicable lie. I don't feel fortunate to encounter other people like him because there are established foundations, there's a sense of shame involved, something he completely ignores beyond making his political campaign look good. His campaign is nothing more than doing good; we have to put up with him, even though he has a good heart inside, but it's never there. Personally, I had to get rid of that guy. He was managing student admissions at a university, and that seemed like the last straw, since the future of the country rests in their hands, and I have to protect it. This man has spent his entire life manipulating people, and suddenly, just talking wasn't going to change him. Just like I did at the previous location, where he removed me because of problems, instead of focusing on the fact that the company wasn't fulfilling its obligations, he made me see that I was dealing with a politician through and through, someone I couldn't believe a word he said. I couldn't believe a single word he said. Therefore, I had to keep him under my control, since he wasn't going to leave just like that. Besides, leaving would be too easy. I need him to bear the price of his promises, to truly regret using them as a trick to trap people and keep them under his thumb, only to then run away without giving explanations.

When I arrived at the new facility, I was determined that he would finally change his attitude, because other people could pay the price, and he had no right to alter the course of their lives, abusing his fame and the bureaucracy he wielded, especially when they gave in to favors and affection, to that thing that was, in some way, what the other person was seeking in another. I had to teach him that this, precisely this, would be the cause of his worst nightmare, to the point where today, he can't leave the company, the community, except by leaving a terrible impression, something he manages to do even while staying, but at least he manages to smooth things over by licking the boots of the authorities, who liked him that way, precisely because he lived off them, doing whatever he wanted, based on nothing but excuses. He was an elusive individual who had to be apprehended, and the community itself could act as his prison to compensate him for all the damage he had caused, for the rest of his life. This community is a university, and that institution certainly establishes the professionals who drive the nation, those who provide service and contribute to its development. In other words, this individual was destroying the institution itself, turning the work of its professionals into something bitter and destructive, all for the sake of an institution and not in accordance with the needs of the people. He was creating a micro-state, and the truth is, it's not that everything is done at the expense of his reputation, using the institution's name as an excuse, when it is precisely his reputation that should prevail, since he made a commitment to it. His service to society was overshadowed; he was creating a sham university, a university where everything functions solely to maintain an image and conceal what is happening inside.

The guy was a real bastard. He had that promise he made to me, which, by the way, he kept, and under the guise of not owing me anything afterward, I joined another group, one he absolutely hated, one that infuriated him, that irritated him, and that now has him groveling at his feet, because otherwise there are conflicts, and that's what he doesn't want. It's everywhere, meaning there's a chance of conflict everywhere, and they'll take advantage of the fact that he doesn't know what to do, because everything he knew turned out to be a complete failure in terms of keeping me under control, in the area that was supposed to be the easiest of all. All the other areas, to the extent that they seem harmless, are just as dangerous; you can smell it coming from him. The days of easy money are over. Those days when he lived off others are over. It's time he pays us all back for what he's done to us. We won't let this go unpunished. He needs to face the music, at least face us in a way that pleases us, and that will continue until the end of his life. His entire career in the community has been completely destroyed, shattered. He's utterly worthless to any company or for achieving anything. The rumors, based on solid evidence, are widespread. If he wants to remain with the community, it has to be on the condition that he pleases us. Otherwise, he should leave, but not without consequences, which are already upon us. His life doesn't interest me, just as he wasn't interested in mine, and he tried to do the opposite. I'm more than transparent, and unlike him, I'm one of those people who speaks very, very little. I'm more about action and concrete results, the opposite of his talkativeness and extravagance, which he thought made him invisible. But it was nothing more than a veil behind which he fancied that I was on a different wavelength, since I was taking advantage of the gaps he saw he wasn't filling in his imposed world. If anyone here is innocent, knowing it, it's me. It took me a long time to catch him, and I finally did, and that's something that doesn't happen very often, so I feel lucky to have been born, very grateful, because, generally, these kinds of people get away with it. I already feel like I've got my life back, just like it was before, surrounded by good groups of people who appreciate me, who love me, and with whom I've earned my place through hard work—something he considered worthless, something of value. His attitude was the exact opposite; he was a miserable wretch whom no one could tolerate anymore and whom no one could publicly denounce. For a long time, he believed he knew how to manipulate things, taking advantage of his apparent innocence and those seemingly casual comments, but he wasn't the only one, and he thought that in some way, people would look at him and not me.

so recently i find out my male best friend of 3years has been ignoring me. I mean at first i thought he needs some time like cause he also has friends but every time we leave school I am who tries to find him and talk to him, I always try reach but not him. I am not trying to make this about myself cause even when we just stand next each other I feel like be does not want to talk to me and he knows about my difficulties with friends. And its not he does not talk to girls at all but its specifically me he is not talking to i feel very betrayed I'm not trying to act like a jealous female friend of some sort i just want to talk to me once again like we did in 8th grade. What should I do?

recently, i have been encountering an unusual phenomenon regarding the appearance of an individual from my past in my nocturnal visions. 😅 it has come to my attention that this person, whom i had considered a closed chapter in my life's narrative, has inexplicably started surfacing during moments of rest and sleep. theoretically speaking, the human mind is often capable of remarkable feats when it comes to conjuring figures long lost to daily interaction; nevertheless, i am perplexed by this unexpected resurgence of dreams involving someone who once held significance.

in due course, one might speculate that such occurrences are mere byproducts of subconscious processes where the brain works through unresolved emotions or experiences while we slumber. it's quite curious how these dreams tend to reproduce situations from bygone days or settings we once shared, providing a peculiar realm where lived experiences mix with imaginary scenarios. moreover, the impact these reveries have on waking life can range from minimal amusement to temporary emotional turmoil;

from what i gather through various sources and conversations with peers facing similar episodes, there appears to be a consensus suggesting that intermittent reminders of individuals from our past may serve as subtle indicators for self-reflection and personal growth opportunities. paradoxically though we strive to focus on future endeavors, every now and then engaging with echoes of yesteryear presents itself under unexpected circumstances prompting introspection about one's path forward. perhaps embracing such interludes could unveil valuable insights that propel us towards renewed understanding. if nothing else at least they provide fuel for interesting breakfast discussions! 😏

I’m a pretty self aware person. I’ve done a lot of healing over the past few years and I’m pretty good at identifying my behaviors and all the stuff.

I still struggle to understand what are normal social things and just things you have to get over. And one of the things is the fact my boyfriend and my best friend discuss me.

My best friend told me at the beginning that when they conversate, I have permission at any point to ask and view their messages. And honestly I have no worries of any affairs or cheating.

However me and my friend got heated because she was continuing to push me on something when i repeatedly told her to stop. Long story short, there were tears and i eventually told my bf what happened.

He confronted my friend and askedwhy she was upsetting me and to cut it out, which i did really appreciate, because clearly she wasn’t listening to me when I told her to stop. And they talked about it and all, and he defended me throughout, which is really awesome, especially since I didn’t know about this, and I appreciate that I have someone who has my back even when I’m not there.

But when my friend was showing me, or at least, reading them, I asked her if I could just read it myself. And she said that it felt like a breach of privacy and joked that they talked shit about me and talk about me, which made me uncomfortable. And the fact that it’s a breach of privacy when it’s me who’s being discussed, makes me uncomfortable of what they could be talking about, because these things could be discussed with me.

I know they discussed how frustrated they were about my housing situation, and how I was being dumb about it. It just makes me not want to tell them anything, and I feel like I can’t trust what they reveal about me. I feel like their project and child, when I’m a human being who has feelings and if you feel the need to hide feeling like that and band together to discuss it, it makes me feel like they’re hiding things from me, secret feelings and gripes and I have to watch them grow to resent me or complain about me.

Is this ok? Like talking about me without me knowing? If it is then I can learn to get over it and not take it personally but if it’s not, I’d like to know, so I can share these feelings with them. Because my nervous system is telling me to never trust them with anything about me, and to leave them in the dark so they can’t use what I entrust them with, against me. But I know that it only hurts the relationship and “protects” me.

Any thoughts?

so here i am, 28, a freelancer consultant in this big IT company where everybody seems older and way more experienced than me… or at least they think so. 😔 every time i walk into a meeting or even just show up at my little cubicle (which by the way feels like a prison cell), i can sense the vibe. they don’t say anything directly, but it’s all there in the way they look at me, the way they nod without really listening when i suggest something. it’s like i’m just some annoying intern who got in by mistake. i keep trying to show i know my stuff, i read all the documentation, i stay late, i help whenever someone’s stuck. and still, there’s this wall, this invisible thing between me and them. do you ever feel that too? like you’re screaming into a void and no one cares?

sometimes, i even think maybe it’s my age, like they see me as this little kid trying to play in the big league. i mean, yeah, i’m younger, but that doesn’t mean i don’t know what i’m doing. 😤 i’ve had my own projects, worked with clients who were a nightmare and still pulled through, and now i’m here, and it’s like all that doesn’t matter. just because i’m younger and not part of their inner circle, it’s like they decided i don’t deserve to be taken seriously. what’s up with that? does age really decide how much you should respect someone in a workplace? or is it just some old-school mentality that’s still floating around? i can’t tell, but it makes me feel invisible, and no matter how much i try to integrate myself, it’s like i’m hitting a brick wall.

i’ve tried everything to fit in. i laugh at their lame jokes, i bring coffee when no one asks, i stay quiet when they clearly dismiss my ideas just to avoid conflict. i even took up this project no one wanted because i thought maybe it would earn me some respect. nope, same cold shoulders, same fake smiles, same nods. sometimes, i just sit there in meetings, pretending to take notes while my mind’s screaming, “what’s the point?” do you ever feel like that? like you’re stuck in this loop where no matter what you do, you’re always seen as the outsider? it’s not even about wanting to be best friends with these people; i just want a little bit of appreciation, a simple “good job” or even a real conversation where they actually listen.

every time i try to talk to someone, it’s like they’re always too busy, too stressed, or just plain uninterested. i get it, we all have stuff going on, but come on, how hard is it to be a little human? i don’t even expect them to throw me a party or anything; just some basic respect would be nice. it’s funny how i’m the one supposed to coach them, and yet here i am, feeling like a little kid trying to prove i belong. 😂 i know it’s not all about feelings at work, but man, it’s hard to stay motivated when you’re constantly ignored. and it’s not like i can just quit, i need this gig, i need the experience, and i need the paycheck. but every day it’s getting harder to drag myself out of bed knowing i’ll just be another shadow in the office.

so here’s my little rant, not looking for sympathy or advice, just needed to let it out. maybe you’ve been there too, feeling unappreciated and stuck in a place where no one seems to care. maybe you’ve tried everything like me, and still ended up being the outsider. or maybe you’re lucky and you’ve never felt this way. either way, it’s just something i had to get off my chest. because honestly, if i don’t vent here, where else? thanks for reading if you made it this far. guess i’ll just keep pushing through, hoping someday someone will finally see me for who i am and what i bring to the table. 🤷‍♀️

lately, it’s like i’m walking around in my own body but everything feels off. like im not really here, like someone swapped out the real me and left this weird, tired, distant version behind. i still do all the same things—wake up, go to work, see people, even laugh at jokes—but none of it feels right. there’s this weird fog in my head, and even when im smiling, it doesn’t feel real. i keep thinking back to how i used to be. more energetic, more excited, more… alive, i guess. but now? now i just go through the motions and hope no one notices how weird everything feels inside. it’s like my brain is on autopilot and i’m just watching. and what’s worse is i can’t even explain it properly when someone asks what’s wrong? cuz i don’t know. i don’t know when it started, or why, or what triggered it. all i know is that i don’t feel like myself anymore—and that terrifies me.

some days are worse than others. sometimes i wake up and for a second i feel okay, like maybe today’s the day it breaks and i’ll feel normal again. but then something small happens—like i forget something stupid or someone says something in a tone that hits wrong—and boom, it’s back. the emptiness, the disconnection. i try to force myself to do the things i used to love. music, movies, friends, even food. but they don’t hit the same. i keep waiting to feel something spark again, something that says “yes, this is you,” but it just… doesn’t come. nd the more i try to force it, the more fake i feel. like i’m pretending to be okay because im supposed to be okay. i mean, nothing major is happening, i have a roof, a job, people around me. but still, this weight sits on me like i’m broken in a way no one else can see.

i thought maybe it was stress. maybe burnout or something. or maybe it’s just one of those phases people go through when they’re figuring stuff out. but it’s been weeks now, maybe even months, and i still don’t feel right. i’ve started pulling away from people cuz i don’t know how to be around them when i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i cancel plans or show up and zone out the whole time. nd it’s not that i don’t love my friends, i do. but i feel like im watching myself from the outside, doing and saying what i’m supposed to, while inside i’m just numb. or sad. or tired. or all of it. nd it makes me feel guilty too. like i’m wasting time, ruining things, making people worry when i don’t even have a good reason. so i just say i’m fine, just tired, hoping no one digs deeper, cuz i wouldn’t even know what to tell them if they did.

i just want to feel like me again. i want to wake up and not feel like i’m bracing for something i can’t even name. i want to look in the mirror and recognize what’s behind my eyes, not this dull, distant look that doesn’t match the person i remember being. i miss that version of me—the one who laughed loud without forcing it, who got excited over small things, who didn’t feel so... out of place in her own life. i don’t know how to get back there. or if i even can. but i’m trying. slowly. some days, just getting out of bed feels like progress. and maybe that’s all i can do right now. keep trying, keep showing up, even if i feel like a ghost of myself. cuz somewhere deep down, i know i’m still here. i have to believe that. even if i don’t feel like myself right now... maybe, someday, i will again.

[ this is taken directly from a desktop file I made recently. it was originally supposed to act as a message, but not anymore. take this into account. ]

hello. i won't say your name, you probably don't want me to speak it anyway. i look over all the shitty things you said to strangers about me every day. it reminds me of how you really think of me rather than how you want me to think. and yet you still wonder why i cut myself off. ironic, isn't it? all those things you said about me not understanding you, even if you did the same thing back to me tenfold. how funny must it be to make a big point about leaving me behind only to talk shit about me when i take a break? when i express my own beliefs and opinions rather than yours? when i do anything that you don't like? even if i didn't even know? and yet, i didn't cut you off for myself. ironically, i did it for you. you're making new friends, glorifying them to me as if i'm nothing. as if you're looking at me and saying 'see these people? let me tell you just how much better friends they are'. stop telling me what you think i want to hear. two-faced.

-b

Its enough ive done all I can think of chased down all my demons, ive seen you do the same.

Hi. I dont exactly know how to do this, but i really wanted to get this off my chest, so that i can put my focus on fixing myself, instead of carrying around all this baggage. Im not very good with english commas and stuff, as its a second language, so i appologize.

Ok, so i have a Sister. My relationship with her is very complicated. My main problem is that i get angry far too quickly. She could do the most midly annoying thing ever, and i would lose my head and lash out. This is obviously not right, and i need to control myself.

This anger stems from her and I having a lot of issues with one another growing up. The problem is, i can never pinpoint exactly one thing or a few specific things that i dislike her for. I just KNOW, its unforgivable. So i lash out at the drop of a hat, and can end up getting physically violent, which, at the moment of the outburst feels justified, but i know afterwards that i was in the wrong.

Our father is also a terrible person. He has crazy outbursts of anger too, and i despise him for it. Which i why i NEED to fix my anger issues, because there is nothing in this world i hate more than a hypocrite. Which he, unsuprisingly, is.

My mother on the other hand is the gentlest person ever. She is kind, tolerant, never raises her voice, and i look so much up to her. I want to be like that. People like my father hurt people, and end up alone. People like my mother can make others feel like the only ones who matter in the entire world, and i want to be that for other people. If only i could get a hold of myself.

Now, my sister is not a bad person. Because of my fathers anger issues, i KNOW she suffers too. As her older sibling Its my job to protect her, but i keep FAILING at it by lashing out exactly like he does. She has to deal with both of us, and the guilt of it eats me alive. But its not like feeling guilty is going to absolve me of my actions. You know the quote: A dog that howls after a kill is no better than the dog that eats. My guilt means nothing.

My sister deals with his anger by being rebellious. She drifts away, has little care for other people, acts disrespectfully and so on. I suppose thats one reason i hate her, but can i really allow myself that? It feels selfish of me. She also has developed a very nasty personality. And i know that word is harsh, but heres what i mean: She revels in putting people down. She constantly stops people from improving themselves by making them feel stupid for even trying. Basically, shes emotionally toxic. In all her relationships, platonic and familial. And I cant be mad at her over that. At least not when she does it to me. Because im worse. I lash out. And that will always be worse. What shes doing, is setting up defenses. Because if she tears people down, she wont be torn apart herself.

The funny thing is, this is also something my father does. Tears people down. Its like me and my sister are two halves of the same awful man. Maybe thats why we hate eachother.

Talking about out father. I do think my sister resents me. See, our mother treats her kids equally. Our father however has me as his favourite. Its obvious, because he barely tolerates my mother, my brother and my sister. Hes said it out loud too. That he only stays for me. So that means his outbursts are directed towards them, while i get off scott free. This doesnt mean he loves me. Ive sides with them, and every time i do, he lashes out at me too. However for some reason he always "forgives" me the easiest. I feel dirty.

Now, i didnt ask for this favouritism. I hate the way he treats my mother, brother and sister, because i love them. But i cant blame her for resenting me. After all, it does feel like the golden child masqurading as a good person doesnt it? I feel selfish and awful.

Even more so when i lash out. Because how could i not? Im acting like he does! And i need help managing my anger. Now some of you may say, well apologize then. The thing is, thats what my father does after his lash outs. He apologizes in this sweet voice, and if i started doing the same to my sister, she would be like a lamb trapped between two wolves, and i cant do that to her. I want to improve my actions before, you know, using my words. It would give her the wrong idea otherwise. I dont want to set her up for abuse in her future.

Although it does sometimes feel as though our relationship with eachother is now irrepearable. Ive ruined it, and it would be selfish of me to expect her to trust me again.

And my greatest fear, is that this is the same thought process HE goes through. What if he also feels this immense guilt after lashing out too? What if he tries and fails at managing his anger? I dont let these thoughts out to the ones close to me, like my mother, brother or sister, because i would feel selfish for garnering sympathy. Are we not the same then, he and I? I dont want that! I want to actually change, to actually start managing my anger and not be soo... weak. You know?

I want to be better for the people i love. So i REALLY need tips to manage my anger. I always feel like im in a dream like comatose state after lashing out. Like as if that was another person, and now i have to deal with their mistakes. I could really use some tips, some help. This post had to be made, so i could get it off my chest and focus on improving. I dont want to feel and act crazy anymore. I want to be better. And i need to put in the effort.

Thank you.

so my parents keep asking me to leave the house and start my own life, but honestly, i can barely get out of bed in the morning. i’m not lazy or anything, i just feel stuck, like there’s a weight on me that won’t budge. i wake up, look at my phone, and realize there’s nothing waiting for me except a long list of things i don’t want to do. it’s not depression or anything—at least i don’t think so—but it’s like i’m in this weird limbo where i know what i should be doing but i just can’t bring myself to start. i’m 21 and my parents are right, i can’t just keep lying here, but the thought of job applications or interviews just makes me want to roll over and pull the covers back up. it’s not that i don’t care; it’s more that i don’t know how to care anymore, you know? 😕

some mornings, i set my alarm and i’m determined to get up early, maybe make some breakfast, even go for a run or something. but when that alarm goes off, my brain just shuts it out, like “what’s the point?” i tell myself i’ll get up in five minutes, but then it’s noon and i’m still scrolling on my phone. my parents come in, knock on my door, and start their usual speeches about responsibility and adulthood and how i need to contribute to the world. i nod along because they’re not wrong, but i just can’t seem to find the motivation. it’s like my body’s in bed but my mind’s trapped somewhere else, somewhere far away from all this.

i think the hardest part is feeling like i’ve already failed before i’ve even started. i see my friends posting about new jobs, internships, moving out of their parents’ houses, and i’m just here wondering how they even found the energy to get dressed. it’s not jealousy exactly, more like confusion. how do they do it? how do they make it look so easy to just get up and go? i wish someone would explain the secret, because it feels like i missed the memo or skipped the part of life where you learn how to deal with responsibilities. i don’t want to be the guy who never leaves his parents’ house, but i also don’t know how to change that. 😩

so yeah, how do you get out of bed in the morning when everything feels heavy and pointless? is there some trick i’m missing? i know it’s not just me feeling like this, but it feels like everyone else figured it out except me. i want to start living my own life, get my own place, have something to look forward to, but every morning i wake up and it’s like i’ve hit the snooze button on my own future. maybe tomorrow will be different, but maybe it won’t. i don’t know. do you? 🤔