Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Damn, commiting really sounds good right now that it scares the shit out of me. I am really tired of always being everyone’s punching bags. I’m just a kid too. Someone who longs for a complete and happy family. I’m just 14 years old but I already wanna end my life. Why do I have to carry it all? What about me? Just because I don’t show my emotions doesn’t mean I’m strong. Everyone thinks that I am okay, but I am not. I’m so fucking tired. My Mom can’t have a dead daughter. I still wanna see My Mom and my baby brother. But my mind is killing me. I hope I can speak my thoughts without feeling like a burden or people will judge me for who I am. I always tell people to be strong and to live happily, but I can’t even do that. When people do me wrong, I always say maybe they’re going through something. But when I am going through something, I never treat people wrong like that haha. It genuinely hurts that I am even thinking of doing it. ’Cause what do you mean a young girl like me already wants to end it? I am still trying but I don’t know how long. I don’t want people thinking that they weren’t there for me, especially my Mom. I’m not living for myself anymore, because if I was living for myself? I would have been dead by now. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I just hope one day I will be okay. My mind is screaming negative thoughts and I don’t know how long I can hold on. I’m very much tired, I wish for this pain to end.

Hi guys,

I'm really into board games, especially Dungeons & Dragons, which my friends and I play every week at my place. We've transformed these gatherings into quite the spectacle over the past five years, complete with costumes, atmospheric lighting, and evocative background music. We truly immerse ourselves in the fantasy world.

Recently, a retired couple in their 60s became my next-door neighbors. They seem nice but are a bit on the traditional side. I’ve noticed them giving me strange stares and steering clear of me, which seemed unusual initially. Then, I concluded they probably weren't too keen on mingling.

However, things took an interesting turn last Saturday. Right as we were peaking in our game intensity, with my buddy Jake delivering a dramatic speech as our nemesis, and me brandishing a prop sword in my rogue's cloak, disruption came knocking—literally. Answering the door in full regalia, I found my new neighbors, expressions etched with concern. It was almost comical as the wife hastily inquired if "everything was okay," referencing the frequent visits, the mystical chants, and our peculiar costumes.

Caught off guard, I jokingly replied, "We’re just summoning demons, no big deal!" I chuckled after the comment, but the joke totally fell flat. They exchanged shocked looks, mumbled about their devout Christianity, and retreated.

The next day added a layer to the misunderstanding; tucked under my door was a “cult deprogramming” brochure coupled with a note suggesting I meet their pastor to "save my soul." My friends found the entire episode amusing, even proposing that we amplify the antics by roaming around in robes and enchanting exaggerated spells in the corridor. Part of me wants to play along, but I'm also slightly concerned about genuinely unnerving them.

If this whole mix-up unfolded on a reality show, I imagine the drama and misunderstanding could reach humorous heights. Cameras would zoom in on the horrified expressions of my neighbors and capture every mischievous grin of mine. The reveal episode, where the truth comes out, could even end up being heartwarming or hilariously absurd as both parties come to understand each other's worlds.

Am I a jerk for unintentionally leading my neighbors to think they’re living beside a cult leader? Should I straighten out this mess, or just let them think what they will? 😁

so like idk if I like want to go to the football game tonight, I mean I don’t have a choice since I’m playing with the band and my ginger’s gonna be there so I cant just not go but what if the weird thing happens again? what if my brain decides to take a nap in the middle of the halftime show, when we’re performing? I mean I know it doesn’t have any visible effects, its not like i’ll collapse or anything, but if it happens I might stop playing or marching or smt. besides I’m just too tired for this man.

and if my head does do the dream walking thing, anyone got any ideas to help like snap myself out of it?

A couple of years ago, a girl from the US came to my town in Europe over the summer to maintain her double citizenship to my country. I met her through our sport as she trained at my club during that summer to stay fit. She's a couple of years older than me, but we became quite good friends, and even after she went home to the US we stayed in touch and dreamed of visiting each other again - mostly of me visiting her in the US.

Anyways, she has now been doing her sport at a college in the US, and has sent me a kind of open invitation to come visit her and follow her busy student-athlete lifestyle for a week. I have a school holiday coming up in about a month and I've promised her to come visit for a week then. I can stay with her in her dorm and eat in her dining hall, so I would "only" have to pay for the plane tickets, but even that is a big expense for me.

Tickets to and from the US would cost me something like 1/6th of my savings (but they aren't that big, so maybe that sounds worse than it is), and even though I have access to a dining hall etc. I'll still have to buy some food and such when I'm there. My dad might pay for half of the ticket, but it would still be a very expensive trip, and even though I've already promised my US friend that I'll come, I can't quite get over how expensive it'll be for me.

I'm annoyed and frustrated over this specific situation, but it's not so much this one that bugs me as it is my family's finances in general. We (my mother, sister and I #divorcedparents) are constantly broke, and I honestly don't always get why or how it happens. My mom makes enough money that we should be doing fine in day-to-day life, including when somebody needs a new pair of shoes or whatever once a year, but every time we have to make a "bigger" purchase (e.g. a pair of shoes, a big grocery haul) she grimaces and is clearly uncomfortable with the amount of money we're spending. I barely speak to my dad because I can't do so without him trauma dumping and venting about exclusively his own problems to me, but I know he's at least as broke as my mom/us so even though he's promised to pay half of my ticket, I don't trust that he will or that it will be within the foreseeable future.

I know I can't really get mad at my parents for being somewhat poor, especially when I know my mom is ashamed of it when she has to borrow money from my sister and me or when she can't buy us everything we want. I feel like I can actually be angry at my dad because the main reason he's poor is because he's a lazy piece of shit and never has a job for more than 6 months at a time because then it "gets too boring" for him. I'm just tired of always being more broke than my friends and never knowing how it is we're wasting our money, and I can never go on a shopping spree or something like this trip that's coming up because I feel so guilty for spending money.

I've also thought of getting a job so I can start making my own money, but I don't know how I would ever find the time to it. I go to high school and train 1-2 times everyday except for sunday which is my designated homework day, so I genuinely don't have the time to also have a job. I'm literally spending some of my homework time on writing this, but I'm just so frustrated right now and I don't have anyone to vent to in real life.

So me and this girl have been talking on and off for about a year, to be specific within this year the reasons we've ended things we're she was over stressed by school, she didn't want to ask me to change and she felt like we were to different and I mean it's my fault for having my standards so low to even take her back because every time we ended things it's because she wanted to but about two and a half months ago she wanted to start talking again but just as friends, which is totally fine but what I was aware of is the fact she would be talking with other guys while talking with me. The way I found out is bc we work together and that's how we met and so we were on shift together just having fun laughing and then one of my friends walk in and I walk up to him calling him by his name bc this is one of my closest friends and like after our shift together she requests to follow him on Instagram and my friend texts me and he's like "do u know who this is" and I'm like "oh that's the girl I'm talking with, she prob heard me call u by your name while at work" and yk I fully trusted this girl so I thought she just followed him bc he was my friend and no other reason but then I started telling her about it and when I told her about the part of me saying that's the girl I'm talking with she blows up in my face and is like "what right do you have to put labels on us, I followed him because she caught my eye and you have no right to interfere" but like I was under the impression that we were fully just trying to work things out between us and it's not like we've just been friends per say I mean litterally the day before she was talking about how jacked I am, and the day before how cute I am and then the day before saying she was shaking because I almost saw her without makeup and then like a week before that saying she was concerned that it seemed like I didn't like her anymore

and like what am I meant to do? I liked this girl so much but I can't just take that laying down right? and I mean I haven't talked to her since but I have to see her at work on Sunday

I just need some advice on the whole situation, maybe I'm being over dramatic and I'm wrong but I feel like I'm being an idiot.

I struggle to sleep at night without seeing images in my mind. Sometimes my thoughts just race, other times I get recurring flashbacks of things that happened to me during my childhood. I remember things starting when I was about 4? My mother was an abusive alcoholic. I was pretty much at her mercy due to my father being deployed overseas. She was neglectful; she didn't feed my sister and I, she taught me about sex at a young age, I saw her having sex with her cousin. All around, things were pretty awful.

At some point, I was taken by the police to a station. We were shipped off to foster care for 2-3 years. My father fought hard to win the case and he eventually did, but he's no saint either. He's been through a lot as well but the way he copes is unhealthy. When we first arrived home, my father was doped up on oxycodone pills due to being permanently disabled and discharged from the military. He tried his best but he attempted suicide by mixing drugs and alcohol and we were sent to my grandmother's. I don't remember much between the ages of 7-12 so things kind of get blurry.

At some point, my father became so bitter and violent. He often compared me to my mother and would lash out at me in fits of rage. He would hit my head a lot and I don't have many clear memories anymore. I remember one time when I didn't take out the trash. It was around 12:00AM when he noticed that the trash wasn't taken care of. He immediately got violent with me and started pinning me against a wall, screaming and spitting in my face.

I decided to flee, barefoot in the rain. I ran and hid at a nearby apartment until he stopped looking for me. I sprinted over a mile to my nearest friend's house. I remember completely breaking down in front of him and I felt terrible. His Mom comforted me and gave me the guest room to sleep in. The next day I dreaded going home. I also had a field trip to a college the next day, so I had to suck it up and act like nothing happened. I remember the field trip being a blast, though. My theatre class went and saw a play. :D

Anyway, I just need to talk about this stuff. I can never find a proper way to bring it up to my friends or my therapist. I stopped going to therapy because I felt like they never let me fully empty my brain. I've been depressed for a long time. Sometimes I just break down because everything is too much. I get so frustrated with myself for holding myself back. I'm in my 20's with no job and no drivers license. I feel so pathetic but it's so difficult to start tackling these things.

I feel like a fish out of water, honestly. It seems like everything I touch becomes unstable. I don't have a good sense of self or purpose. I have passions, but I get burned out so easily. Sometimes I just want to disappear so I won't be a burden on anyone else anymore. I don't know. I find it hard to rely on others for support. I just needed to talk about this stuff tbh because it's been stewing in my mind for too long.

It's been almost a week since i had strong urge of suicide ideation. I feel worthless and feel like nothing here holds me to stay. I'm not pretty or in anyway good looking, being good at school is the only thing I know and that's the only thing that makes me feel worthy in front of my family acquaintance and relatives without it i am nothing and lately my scores are not doing good it's still passing even higher from average but its not the top like how they assume i will be and there even not just one time but a lot of time that i cheat with a friend because i really struggle in studying and i cant review the notes that i have and i just copy from her. Now I feel really worthless like staying for another day will only make me more miserable.

I've been struggling with my mental health for a long time and despite this I've always tried to keep the most positive outlook I could, but recently I've felt as if that wasn't possible. I've always been weird and avoidant of people due to paranoia, anxiety, OCD, autism symptoms and emotional inconsistency which has made it difficult to maintain relationships. Suffice to say, I've gotten along with people to the point that I could show them an empty side of myself that didn't care whether he was hurt or not, but I feel like now that's the only part of me who can function with others. I like that part of me, and I feel like I'm okay as long as I trust him to take care of things, but I don't know how I'm supposed to live my own life.

I've always had a lot of things that I'd been passionate about but those things like drawing, watching anime, learning languages, learning history and pretty much everything except for math doesn't really have a place in my life anymore since I've started college. I can still enjoy my hobbies but I feel like as a 19 year old male, watching trashy shoujo anime and liking moe stuff is kinda weird. Having obsessions feels like something to be ashamed of as well and every time I get into something I feel like I'm always going to be stereotyped for it. Apart from that, my fascinations with dark things like gore and pain are obviously things I'll have to keep hidden. I've basically abandoned the notion of someone who'd be able to save me or be there for me because I know I just get too attached and mess things up in relationships like that.

I always had the notion that everyone else was in the wrong for making me feel like I had to hide, but now I think I'm at the point where I'm accepting that I don't belong anywhere. I don't want to change and I don't want to die but I can't live in society the way it is being the way I am. I used to want to change the world, but now I feel like someone like me, with all my issues would just make it worse.

Living like this, I feel like I'm slowly disappearing and like I'm giving in. In some ways it feels like losing the parts of myself that make me who I am is just a matter of course, it doesn't matter to me anymore because it's something I should have accepted a long time ago, but if I could I wish I didn't have to change to live.

Yo everyone, so I’m 21, and I’ve been with my girlfriend, Sarah, for like a year now. She’s awesome—funny, cute, and we vibe so well. But there’s this thing that’s been bugging me, and I feel kinda weird even typing it out. Sometimes, when we’re, y’know, getting intimate, she feels… loose? Like, not all the time, but enough that I’ve noticed. I ain’t trying to be a jerk or anything, I love her to death, but it’s got me wondering what’s up. Is it me? Her? Something else? I’ve been too embarassed to bring it up with her, so I figured I’d write it out here to make sense of it. Maybe someone’s got answers.

First off, I did some research—yeah, I Googled it, don’t judge. Turns out, there’s a ton of reasons this could happen. Like, women’s bodies are mad complex, and stuff like arousal, hormones, or even just where she’s at in her cycle can change how things feel down there. I read that when a girl’s super turned on, her muscles relax more, which can make things feel less tight. Sarah and I have a great time together, and she seems into it, so maybe that’s it? But then I also saw some stuff about pelvic floor muscles. Like, if they’re weak or something, it can affect tightness. I don’t know if that’s her deal, but she’s pretty active—yoga, running, all that—so I’m kinda skeptical. Still, it’s got me thinking maybe it’s just natural variation or whatever.

Then there’s the awkward part where I gotta look at myself. I ain’t no expert in the bedroom, but I’m not clueless either. Still, I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Like, maybe I’m not getting her as excited as I think? Or maybe it’s my size or technique or whatever. I hate even thinking that, ‘cause it makes me feel like I’m not enough. Sarah’s never complained, and she seems happy, but my brain’s over here spiraling. I saw some posts online from other dudes saying they noticed the same thing, and a lot of ‘em said it’s normal, just depends on the day or the mood. But then you got those sketchy forums where guys start blaming their girls, and I’m like, nah, that ain’t it. Sarah’s amazing, and I’m not about to make this her fault.

Another thing I stumbled on was how stress or health stuff can play a role. Sarah’s in college, same as me, and she’s always juggling classes, her part-time job, and family drama. Sometimes she’s so stressed she barely sleeps. I read that stress can mess with your body in all kinda ways, including how your muscles work. Plus, she’s on birth control, and I saw that can affect lubrication or even muscle tone for some girls. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s got me wondering if it’s not about “loose” but just her body reacting to life. I feel bad even stressing about this, ‘cause she’s got so much on her plate, and here I am overthinking something that might not even be a big deal. Maybe I just need to chill and focus on making sure she’s feeling good, y’know?

At the end of the day, I love Sarah, and this ain’t gonna change that. I’m probably making it a bigger deal than it is. I mean, every time’s not gonna feel the same, right? Bodies are weird, and I’m learning that’s just how it goes. I’m thinking about talking to her about it—not like accusing her or anything, but just being real, like, “Hey, I noticed this, you ever feel different too?” I don’t wanna make her self-conscious, so I gotta figure out how to say it right. For now, I’m gonna keep being supportive and stop tripping over stuff I can’t control. If anyone’s got advice on how to bring this up without being a total idiot, I’m all ears. Love’s worth figuring this out for.

I've low-key been doing okay but not as okay as I think I should be. I don't know how to come to terms with my morality, it's like I'm either terrified of dying or look forward to it. Looking forward to it means less anxiety but at the same time...it makes life feel like a video game or not all that real. I feel like my peers live life and view it through a human lense, as corny as that sounds, idk how to describe what I've been feeling. Like, whenever I see people's deaths, I don't see it as this sad thing that it used to be in my mind, instead, I see it as them finally resting because I see life as exhausting, work? I don't wanna do that, dreams within social groups? Bleh, thinking about try future? Also ew, just shoot me instead.

There are many ways people live it, life, right now? I've been here, watching people play visual novels video games, I could do that for the rest of my life, I could let it take up a lot of my time and life in general. I enjoy it but there's apart of me that knows I should move forward in my young adult life. I wish I didn't think this deeply and had a normal mind where death, and morality aren't such a huge concept in my mind. I could die any momment but as of rn, I would be okay with that. Am I actually just passively suicidal? I mean I know what that feels like but idk, this feels more like... comforting, I don't wanna keep having this anxiety over something I can't even fucking control so I chose not to and it works, but this also leaves me feeling like what I said early, viewing life as not real. Maybe I just need people I can talk to more.

I'm feeling lost because of the big adult things I'm supposed to be doing. It's complicated, my parents and me. I'm graduating high school this year, people expect me to be excited but I'm homeschooled and like everyone cheated, including me, even when I dont, it's still whatever. So..my dad spent like 700 on my graduation gear, he's low-key rich and also a women beater, he's done many horrible things and would treat you like you shit if you aren't as shitty as he is so I don't feel bad.

My parents are both homophobic and transphobic but my dad is way way worse, he's already called me a sissy and threatened me and thinks I'm a lesbian or bisexual. I mean I am a transguy and gay. My mom's has literal queer friends and thinks like queer family members are misguided and need help, she thinks trauma causes it, ngl she's very sweet about it and not condensing. It's weird tho becuz my parents are supportive in a career and school way, financially(aka Dad's money), they are willing to pay for the school I go to, buy me a car, help me choose this or that, whatever I wanna do or go, I can do that and they'll help me. They're still traditional tho so no "men jobs". My parents have many rulesz, it's like having privileges but it ends at wearing a skull band shirt because it's demonic.

I have no idea on what to do, let's say I just go along with my parents, I take up their offer and go to technical school for whatever, i wouldn't really be able to be myself...like wtf would even be the point of living? My dad would probably take away any funding if he found out. Should I really risk that being a possibility? My plan was just to finish high school, get driver's license soon, get a job. I haven't thought far because I feel this path requires more work as I would probably be on my own, I could not be tho..idk, depends on how my parents react. I wonder if I should come out after getting my job...they would be really negative about it. I don't get how people's parents allow them to just work and not being down their neck asking "okay but what's next? Are you going to school? Are you gonna keep doing this and for how long? You need a plan" The reason I have the job is to have somewhere else to go, so I can come out and not have to deal with any negativity I get from parents, ideal.

Maybe I shouldn't even be trying to do all this on my own, maybe I need help or a support group. It's not like I live in some big city where I have many options for help or anything else I need. I live in the bum fuck no where south, small town but there's a decent amount of diversity here.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, I appreciate you <3 Remember that you are valuable 🖤🩷

I've been in a constant state of fight or flight, honestly I've been in crisis, since the election. I'm disabled, trans and intersex, other flavors of 'undesirable' in the eyes of the government. I was close to taking my life and writing hotlines pretty much everyday sobbing my eyes out. My psychiatrist said if I refused to be hospitalized (I did) then we were down to Spravato and Electroconvulsive Therapy... Yes, she basically said the only solution was nasal spray ketamine or electroshock. I wish I was joking. I'm allergic to so much that these three things were my only option left. Are my only option, but I'm just done. No. I refuse it all.

There's a decent chance ALL healthcare might be taken away from me soon anyhow.

I decided to give Spravato a try, I was really, really hoping it would work. It didn't. My blood pressure shot up so high I almost had to go to the ER, I couldn't stop panicking and crying, I almost threw up multiple times. I am familiar with dissociation, it's a horrendous feeling I get sadly often, but I can tell the... Cycle of it? I suppose? As in, even when dissociating or having derealization, I can tell when it's at it's worst and when it's staring to wane. With Spravato, not so, it was two hours of being at the worst part of all my dissociative episodes and panic attacks at once with no reprieve. Closing my eyes made it worse, I couldn't even try to sleep to get through it, I had so many nurses coming in and out. A random man who was there also getting Spravato himself came in and tried to talk me and my mother through it and reassure us that sometimes that that even still happened to him. I can remember the talking, but it's more like I'm looking back on a movie I watched, not something I witnessed. All that felt like it was me in that moment was the fear. Nausea. My heart wanting to break through my ribcage, the pain of each heartbeat, rattling in my brain of memories and thoughts both that I couldn't differentiate among other things. It was just too much.

Finally, finally after two hours it started to let up, they took my blood pressure and since it wasn't at a concerning level (it was not normal still but not medically concerning? I think?) I was allowed to come home. I almost threw up multiple times on the ride home.

I was essentially sedated for three or four days after, too tired to tell what I was feeling but knowing I wasn't happy or okay, just too tired to cry or panic anymore. My heart kept beating funny off and on, though, I kept getting chest pain off and on. It's still happening off and on and it's been a few weeks. I'm scared it permanently damaged my heart, I already have so much going on, I can't do it.

All therapeutic effects it had are gone, all the fear and grief and dread and pain are back in full force, my family is trying to convince me to try it again and I refuse. My mother told me, essentially, she liked me better sedated. My pain, my fear for my life under this regime in America with so much being taken away from me (after being attacked just getting groceries two weeks after the election by the way), is an inconvenience so I need to just "be normal."

I can't help but wonder if there's hidden meaning behind "be normal." I could get into the why, I could get into my whole life story leading up to this of medical malpractice, but I won't. It's too much. There's so much I need and want to say but what's even the point?

I suppose I'll end this with something that happened a few days ago that's still hurting me, that was my reason to coming to this site again. I still don't really know how it works, if you can see my other post, but it's pertinent to this if you can. I tried one more time, one more time to reach out to someone to help me, give me help feasible for me with all of my limitations. Admittedly, getting a bit angry, because all the "advice" given even when I explained my situation was things I couldn't do. I tried explaining again, and it was turned back on me. I'm apparently a fascist for saying poor, disabled, non-white and intersex people are being left out of people's consideration when giving queer (especially trans) Americans help or instructions to help themselves. I was apparently posting "fascist bait" and somehow I'm also a Nazi? I don't even know. All I said was that I needed help, I just needed some steps given to me to take to try and get myself safe, to a better place. Then, got frustrated, and said their advice wasn't even advice for me or many others in my situation. It felt like dismissal and a "welp not my problem- figure it out!" and I said so. I said that people need to stop leaving the most vulnerable of the lgbtqia2p community in the dust and this girl got four other people to gang up on me.

I give up. I deleted all social media, I feel hopeless but won't write Trevor or 988, no one wants to help me. No one who can will, because I'm "not valuable" enough. Not to another country, not even to a blue state, nothing at all. I need too much help, have too many targets on my back, and have the nerve to point out that people are pulling the ladder up behind them once they get theirs and seeing certain parts of the community in the dust. Even some trans people are, mainly those of us that are poor and or disabled, intersex and or non-white. Of which I am all of.

And now I sit here alone, sad, thinking about everything and wishing I could close my eyes and wake up anybody else tomorrow. Wake up and find out this was all just a bad dream.

No, I'm not going to do anything to myself, I'm just so tired. If you can see people's past posts on here, again, what I said before sort of gives more context but even with both these two posts it's not everything going on with me.

Goodnight, I guess.

I am a 2nd sem student and right now I want to know if I should continue engineering or not. To give give you some context I did my 12th in open schooling due to terrible mental health issues and therefore I was at home and didn't really interact with people outside. Fortunately I somehow managed to pass the exams and then I got in to this college(through CET). In my 1st sem I tried really hard to control my mental health and tried getting along with this new system. I tried doing my best to socialize and study. My parents are veryy very supportive and I seek help from therapy and have been heavily medicated (which makes me seem tired and sleepy all the time). During the first few weeks of 1st sem, there was some misunderstandings with someone and I reacted too harsh by shrieking in front of the class. After that no one would sit next to nor talk to me. It seemed like they were afraid of me (according to my teachers). There were some who were kind enough to share notes with me but I noticed that they did because they were afraid of me. I struggled throughout the classes with my mental health deteriorating and it made things worse. During lab I was a mess, I would feel anxious like a LOT and my hands would tremble. This made me seem incapable of doing anything which made my classmates to dread working with me and teachers were too annoyed with my incompetence. I tried working even hard but it only worsened my mental health. I explained the teachers my situation, they were understanding but for how long? during my 1st sem finals I was a chaotic mess, I was unable to focus on studies because of my mental health. I managed to pass 1st but with 3 backlogs, it isn't the best but this was something I could manage doing at least. I wanted to take an year off from college but my parents didn't like the idea. I told my therapist, who suggested me to change courses, but I am too scared to do that because my parents are really keeping their hopes up. 2nd sem started, and by now everyone knew each other and were interacting with each other, I was the only one in class who didn't really have anyone to sit next to me in class. It was obvious. Sometimes I think that this is just me being too dramatic about everything but I often see that my classmates make faces and avoid sitting next to me, it almost feels like there's something REALLY wrong with me. Honestly, I cannot keep up with such an environment and pretend that everything is okay. I now dread a lot going to college and hate doing the homework. I'm being kicked out of the class for not finishing my work. I really really want some advice right now, I don't want to disappoint my parents....and I am sorry if this post is unclear, this is my first time posting stuff on the internet, I hope you are kind enough to understand that. Thank you!

Tomorrow I'm telling my doctor the truth because I need help

I can't keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again

I'm tired

I feel like I can't help it

Am I stuck in this fucking pattern forever?

I used to think my mom was okay—nothing special, but not terrible either. That changed fast when I hit around thirteen. It was like she flipped a switch and suddenly decided that everything I did or said needed to be criticized. She turned into this controlling, bitter, passive-aggressive woman who always needed to be right. I couldn’t even express myself without her jumping down my throat. One time, I came home excited about getting a role in a school play—my first real chance to be noticed—and she straight-up asked, “Do you think anyone even wants to watch you?” Like… what?? That stung. She’d always nitpick my clothes, my friends, even my laugh. She’d make fun of how I talked when I tried using bigger words, and if I ever cried or pushed back, she’d go on and on about how I was “too sensitive” or “just like my father,” like that was the worst insult ever. Her words were weapons. And I didn’t have armor yet.

Teen years were hell. I was grounded constantly, mostly for talking back, which was really just me standing up for myself. She hated that. She didn’t want a daughter; she wanted a doll she could pose and mute. I remember this one time—I was fifteen—she told me I looked like a slut because I wore shorts and a tank top. We were at home. Just us. Who was I dressing for? The furniture?!?? I still think about that. It made me hate my body. Made me scared of showing skin. And don't get me started on the times she’d snoop through my phone or read my journal and then bring up things I’d written like it was casual dinner conversation. “So, you think I’m a narcissist?” she once asked, sipping her coffee. What was I supposed to say to that?!?? I couldn’t breathe around her. I couldn’t exist without judgment. She twisted love into something sharp. Something I didn’t want anymore.

But now I’m 21, and I’ve started seeing her not just as my mom but as a person. Flawed. Maybe broken. Maybe stuck in her own unresolved trauma. Doesn’t mean I forgive everything, but it makes it a little easier to not carry all that hate around. I still don’t trust her—I keep my distance, emotionally at least. But I want to heal. I want to stop being angry all the time. I want to be better than what she gave me. I have friends who’ve become my family. I’ve started therapy. I’m learning how to love myself without her voice in my head. Still… I ask myself: why do I hate my mom? Is it because she failed me, or because I needed her to be someone she couldn’t be? Maybe both; Maybe you’ve felt that too. Maybe you’re reading this wondering if you’re the only one—trust me, you’re not. It sucks. It hurts. But it gets better. It can get better.

It started off with a small crush—an innocent one. We started talking; she started flirting with me, and I went along with it. She saw me as an object. We fucked, looked at each other in the eyes, laughed together, laughed at each other. We call every day. She watches me eat because I have an eating disorder. We fucked again—maybe it was lust and her emotions taking over her, but it was a genuine connection to me. She started controlling what I wear and who I talk to. She’s always mad and cold towards me. She started texting me less. Her replies were always dull and distant. She hurt me. She would tell me to do things that aren’t appropriate, but whenever I say no, she guilt-trips me. She’s always the one who makes decisions for me. She started pushing me away; I tried making her stay. I was truly the happiest when I was with her. She saw me as something temporary. I thought we could’ve been something more. After fucking me, she got distant.