Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

first of all, i dont actually have any really bad problems so you dont have to feel bad for me.

I feel like me friendships end up the same alot of the times, by them treating me badly, for example this one friend group im apart of is the kind where everyone is cussing about eachother but we all know we are joking most of the time, but then when there is actually some drama im apart of, i know what would hurt a person but i just dont wanna do that and they just say the most bad thing about me. I feel like almost everyone friend group im apart of is this kind of where everyone is always shittakking eachother but j just want to be apart of one where everyone respects eachother, of course a joke sometimes is completely ok but im so tired of constantly getting shitted on. Why do people always stab so much where it hurts? Do they not know, or do they do it on purpose. This had happend to me in 3 friend groups and im starting to feel like its problem on my side, im thinking for some time i fould be having paranoid personality disorder, should i talk to a psychiatrist? Is it my fault? Please, i will value advice

PS: also sorry if its quite chaotic

Recently, my parents approached me with a request to help organize a family getaway that was sorely needed. They hoped to include my brother Carl, who's 43, and his wife Sandra, 33. Unfortunately, my husband Ryan, 46, and I can't join as I'm currently unemployed and we can't afford the expense. This would be the first family holiday I've missed, and it honestly left me feeling quite upset, though of course, I agreed to assist. In a discussion that followed, my mom hinted it might be for the best as this arrangement would leave me available to care for Carl's pugs and our family's chihuahua.

Handling these dogs is no small task as they require constant attention, meaning I'd need to reside at my brother's place for the duration of their trip. Despite these dogs being adorable, they demand a lot of care. For almost a decade, I've been suggesting to Carl that it might be wise to employ a professional pet sitter because financially, he wouldn't have a problem affording one.

This past year alone, I've looked after them three times under varying durations, from overnight stays to nearly a week. They compensated me generously; however, the responsibility is overwhelming and not to mention, uncomfortable. Ryan and I already have five cats which are plenty, and we've consciously decided not to add dogs into our mix.

Now, while tasked with booking their vacation, Carl hadn't yet mentioned any plans for his dogs. During a Sunday family dinner, which Sandra missed due to illness, I took the moment to openly express to Carl that while I adore him and the pugs, dog-sitting during their vacation would be too much for me this time around. I stressed it was unreasonable to expect me to lock myself away at their house for seven days and reminded him of my long-time advice to hire a dog-sitter, even offering to help find one.

Carl initially reacted poorly, warning that he’d no longer look after my cats. I responded that it wasn’t an issue as we typically use a cat sitter, pointing out the difference in our requests for help. He eventually acknowledged that asking me to watch five dogs for seven nights was a bit much—oh, and it turns out it would actually be five dogs because his mother-in-law planned to bring her two Italian greyhounds as well.

Despite the surprise addition of more dogs, I remained calm and reiterated my feelings. By the end of the night, there seemed to be an understanding, and we parted on good terms with promises of future discussions.

However, the next evening's call with my parents revealed that Carl felt blindsided by our conversation, with Sandra equally upset. They perceived my refusal as a tantrum due to my inability to join the vacation, but I assured them my concern was purely the overwhelming responsibility. Now, they are considering canceling the trip altogether because I refused the dog-sitting arrangement.

Am I wrong to refuse?

Imagine if this scenario unfolded on a reality show—with cameras rolling capturing every moment of the dramatic dinner confrontation and the emotional entanglements. How intense would the viewers' reactions be to this display of family tension and boundary-setting?

I’m 13, female and I went on a website looking for someone to talk to so I could vent about my issues with my family. My family, while I love them, has flaws. My parents, even though they’re divorced, still live together in my Mom’s apartment with me and my sister. It had been a rough divorce and I’m not sure if I’m fully over it but I still have lasting things going on. My mom and dad mutter bad things about each other, mostly my dad though. Living in an apartment it’s easy to hear through the paper thin walls and his loud voice doesn’t help. I don’t know if my little sister notices or not but I hope she doesn’t. Anyway, I went on a website that was 18+ where you could talk to strangers anonymously. As expected there were a lot of weird people on there but I skipped past them and found a few good ones. I matched up with this one German guy. I live in New Jersey, USA so we’re nowhere near each other. I found it cool I could talk with someone across the world and we talked about the different countries and our lives. He told me he was 22 and I said I was 19 since the age was 18+. I probably shouldn’t have ever gone on in the first place but I was desperate for someone to listen to me. So we talked and talked. He was really nice and sweet and he listened to me and gave feedback. I told him my insecurities and he said that I was perfect the way I was and not to worry about it and let it drag me down, despite not even seeing a picture of me or anything! I felt so seen and heard. We both had cats. I had one and he had too so we talked about that and made jokes. He was funny and made me smile. So, when I started picking up on him flirting with me I was flattered but dread started to pile up. I liked the flirting, I never felt so nice like I had nothing to change or worry about. Not to mention I’m fairly socially awkward and not on the popular side in my school so while everyone started to date and experiment I lagged behind. Maybe a bit ridiculous I know but I always wanted something like true love. Or even just someone to cherish me like the guys in the books and shows.. and he gave me that. I told him I was part French but only by blood and I didn’t really know French but we still joked about it. I’m in French class so I knew a few French words and sentences so I showed him just as fun, things like how to order from a restaurant and whatnot. He said he had a thing for French girls and I couldn’t help but feel happy and the flutter in my stomach I never really felt before. The time difference was major and he had to go to sleep soon as it was very late at night, or rather early in the morning for him. I never flirted back but I did pick up on all of his. How he wished me goodnight in French, he called me hun, said specific things about comments I made that I knew he did intentionally. That problem is, I’m 13, not 19. It’s wrong and nothing will ever come of it but he doesn’t know that. I’m cat fishing him and I didn’t even mean to! I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been a genuine connection like that for so long and I feel so good around him, he said I make him smile by talking with him. But he doesn’t know I’m 13. I don’t want to let go of what we have, I’m afraid I’ll never find something like that again. I know it can never happen though. And even if I could manage to just stay on a friendly level I’m sure the feelings wouldn’t go away and it wouldn’t change the fact that I have to keep pretending to be 19. He’d find out eventually or at least get suspicious right? I couldn’t tell him, he’d be furious of course and I don’t want to lose the friendship and connection I have. I don’t know what to do now.

Recently, my mother moved into a new home, but little did we know that she would be neighbors with quite a difficult individual, whom I'll refer to as Karen. During the initial days of my mom settling in, she went out to restock her pantry, leaving my best friend and me to handle the task of moving her furniture. We shared the driveway with Karen, and while offloading the furniture, we apparently ruffled her feathers.

Karen approached us almost immediately, questioning whether we had permission to be there. My friend and I were baffled, assuming she was pulling our leg. However, after confirming that my mother had indeed purchased the house, Karen launched into a tirade about how our truck was tarnishing the newly paved driveway with mud.

Weeks later, Karen's husband, who seemed rather amiable compared to her, came over asking for financial and physical help to build a fence between the properties. Although tight on finances, my mom agreed to contribute when possible, and I volunteered to assist with labor.

The situation escalated when my band and I decided to practice in my mom's garage. Despite it being a long weekend evening, Karen complained about the noise disturbing her children around 8 p.m. We tried compromising that we'd lower the volume in an hour, but she insisted on an abrupt end. Resigned, we closed the garage door in her face and continued as initially planned.

Every social gathering at our house seemed to provoke a police visit, courtesy of Karen. However, the officers often left apologizing for the disturbance, acknowledging that we were not at fault.

The climax of tensions occurred following my grandmother's funeral. The entire community was mourning, and many gathered at my mom's to commemorate her life. Of course, Karen deemed this an inconvenience, fixating on her blocked driveway the following morning. In the throar of grief and frustration, I confronted her, leading to a heated exchange urging her to leave our property.

Honestly, if this drama unfolded on a reality TV show, I bet viewers would be glued to their screens, picking sides, and likely cheering when we finally stood up against Karen’s incessant complaints. It would make one wonder whether sympathy for our situation would be universal, or if some would applaud Karen's strict adherence to rules.

And you, what do you think about the situation?

I never really thought about this before, but now that I’m reflecting on a lot of my behaviors and what triggers a shopping spree, I noticed I never really feel an urge to shop in person. It’s almost like the instant gratification is something I avoid, because the waiting/tracking makes it more satisfying. I think I’m addicted to the process, really. You see “the” item, it’s perfect, it’s the last thing you’ll need in a while. Actually, it’s the whole outfit you’re iso, I mean the top might not look as good if it wasn’t styled the same way right? This way you can be sure you stop for a while. You scroll for hours and hours finding the perfect item. The hunt has your heart beating just a little faster, you feel good. Along the way you see a couple more items you like, you add it to the bag. You need the perfect top for that event next weekend right? After all, it’s the only thing that would go with what you plan to wear. The total keeps racking up. Unbeknownst to you, because you’re too excited to check or think about exactly how much you’re spending. At this point, you’re beginning to feel a little guilty because you spent a little more than you could afford earlier this week. But that’s okay, because you need more long sleeves for winter right? You’ll get good use out of that extra top. You go to check out, you begin to feel nervous and paranoid about spending the money. This is will be the last time. You hit “checkout”. You’re entering your card information but you’re not really thinking clearly, it hasn’t truly set in. The part of you that wants these items so badly tells you you can’t live without them.

It’s been a couple days, and by now you’ve received your items. You’ve opened them up (or not). Your excitement has kind of fizzled out at this point. You’re happy, but you’re nowhere near as elated as you were when you were checking that tracking number every couple hours.

A day or two goes by, or maybe it was just an hour. you’re scrolling endlessly through social media again, and that’s when you see it. You’ve finally found “The item”.

Then the process repeats itself, and the funny thing is that you’re still convinced you’re going to “quit for good this time”. It’s really an awful cycle!!

I sometimes wonder, what if I was on a reality show about shopping addiction? How would people react to my habits being broadcasted? Would they understand or judge me harshly? It's scary to think about, but maybe it would help me break free from this cycle.

Today, I was doing my homework.

Let's take in account that in a few hours, I have to choose which options to take for the 2 years that will come in high school, tomorrow I have a test in math, a test in English, 1 presentation in Dutch over my origins, 1 presentation in History over France and its castles.

My father came back from work (at 16:00), he started talking to me nonstop and asking questions about my life, when It's clearly obvious I'm occupied. When he asked me another pointless question, I didn't hear it (since my sister was blasting music) so I responded with a "What?".

I suspect that my tone could've come off as rude, but I was annoyed and I yelled loudly 'cause my sister was BLASTING music.

He started screaming at me, telling me "What did you say to me?" as if he hadn't heard it. He was angry, again, because apparently, I'm always disrespectful and should respond with a "What did you say, sir?" when I just want to be left alone.

They're my parents, but they shouldn't be parents when they're clearly not ready. They know how to take care of kids because they take care of kids everyday! But they don't take care of their own because we're "grown up" (I'm 15). But when the timing is prefect, we're suddenly too "young" and we're wrong and they're "right".

To hell with parents.

When your child tells you about their trauma, their problems and open up to you, you shouldn't denigrate them, invalidate their feelings or START TALKING ABOUT HOW TIRED YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR WORK WHEN THEIR TRAUMA IS YOU.

A few years after completing my college degree, I've found myself in a bit of a family dilemma. Working diligently through college, I managed my finances by taking scholarships, loans, and engaging in part-time work, ensuring I covered all my expenses independently. My father, who remarried around the time I turned 18, presented a challenging request recently. With my half-brother nearing the end of his high school journey, my dad has approached me to contribute to my brother's forthcoming college costs, citing that they hadn’t put aside funds for his education.

His rationale was that I should now be financially capable due to my stable job, adding that since I had the advantage of scholarships, it’s only fair I assist my brother. He stressed the importance of family support in such matters. While I deeply care for my brother, the prospect of sponsoring his education seems unfair, especially considering I received no such support during my academic endeavors. This left me in a difficult position when I expressed my inability to fulfill his request which led to my father labeling me as selfish, and now, both he, my stepmother, and my brother seem distant, treating me rather coldly.

The guilt weighs on me since my brother is an innocent party in this scenario, yet I’m also at the beginning of my professional life, striving to establish my own future and financial stability.

Now, imagine if this personal turmoil was a part of a reality show narrative, the dramatic interactions and moral dilemmas would certainly captivate an audience. The cameras would zoom in on the family discussions, capturing every emotion, potentially influencing public opinion. Viewers might sympathize with my position or criticize it, depending on how the story is presented. It would indeed create a buzz and possibly even a divisive camp, with some rallying support for me, while others might echo my father’s sentiments.

Should I finance my brother's college despite my circumstances? I wondering if I'm being selfish not helping with his college costs?

Is it fair to ask me to contribute?

I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be packing my bags with an overwhelming sense of relief. You see, I recently discovered that my wife had been unfaithful. At first, it hit me like a punch in the gut—I was blindsided. Society often romanticizes the concept of forgiveness, but after countless sleepless nights and heart-wrenching conversations, I realized that this wasn’t a situation I wanted to mend. Sure, she feels guilty now. She cries and pleads for another chance as if our once-happy marriage could magically return to its former glory. But honestly, I don’t care if she cries. Years of my life spent trying to make it work only to have it crumble because she couldn't stay faithful? That’s on her now. Frankly, it feels liberating to embrace the idea of moving on. 😌

I’m 39, and I’ve spent much of my life trying to please others, always prioritizing their needs over my own. It’s exhausting, to say the least. I've learned that sometimes, to protect your own well-being, you must prioritize your happiness. I remember a quote from Rumi, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” I think I’ve been wounded enough. I’ve been nurturing the hope of a clean slate for quite some time now—because life is too short to wallow in despair. I deserve more—compassion, excitement, and a partner who genuinely values what we built together. No more pity parties or playing the eternal victim in a sad love story. This chapter of my life is closing, and I can almost hear the pages turning.

The thing is, life goes on. I have finally come to understand that personal freedom is far more valuable than a toxic relationship. Understanding my worth has turned a vital corner in my journey of self-discovery. If you’ve ever been in a situation like mine, let me ask you, does the weight of someone else's guilt really matter if you've already made the decision to move forward? Sure, it’s emotional and painful—no one wants to look back and see all the wistful moments being tainted. However, it's crucial to remember that we are not the mistakes we've made or the company we keep. Learning to let go and find solace in solitude has opened up a new perspective on life. I am optimistic about my future, and there's a beautiful world outside waiting for me to explore. Here’s to new beginnings! 🎉

Yesterday marked the birthday of my wife's longest-standing friend, and to celebrate, a dinner was organized at a local restaurant by her circle of friends. I was invited as a guest by my partner. To be completely honest, I've never really been keen on this friend, as she tends to be quite the drama queen, with a penchant for attributing every behavior and occurrence to her astrological sign. If I were to describe her in one word, it would probably be 'exasperating.'

Despite my feelings, I usually just keep to myself and let her do her thing during our encounters. However, during the birthday gathering, she started making a significant fuss about an error with her dessert order. To be fair, we had been waiting around 45 minutes for the desserts, so I understood her initial frustration, but she persisted in her complaints to an excessive degree. She then paused, declaring she was about to have a "Virgo moment," whatever that's supposed to mean. Under my breath, but unfortunately audible enough for others to hear, I muttered "you mean a tantrum." When she pressed me to repeat myself, I did, and explained that there's no such thing as a "Virgo moment" but simply an adult having a tantrum, leading to a brief argument and souring the mood for everyone.

Reflecting on it, I don't believe I was wrong to describe her actions as a tantrum—it was one—but voicing that opinion during her birthday celebration might not have been my finest moment. The conversation quickly became tense without any possibility of a positive resolution. I remained composed and did not escalate the confrontation, yet in hindsight, it might have been better left unsaid as it clearly had no constructive outcome. This incident made us leave earlier than planned.

To put things into context, I attended the dinner at the request of my wife. It was an event where partners were invited, and the meal was covered by her group of friends. While she wasn't excessively disruptive, such as screaming or throwing things around, her continuous complaints and attempts to confront the kitchen staff, despite their apologies, were enough to unnerve everyone.

If this squabble were part of a reality TV show, editors would likely play up the drama with tense music and close-ups, turning an annoying yet relatively mundane incident into a major clash for viewers. It's curious to ponder how the audience would react to such a scene—whether they’d sympathize with her feelings of disappointment over the birthday mishap, or side with me seeing her reaction as undue.

Was I too harsh during the birthday dinner squabble?

This morning, my 9-year-old son, Jeremy, underwent an appendectomy. He was quite aware of the procedure but his main concern was about the attire—or the lack thereof. He was not comfortable with the idea of stripping down to just a hospital gown without his socks or underwear. When we arrived at the hospital room to prepare him for surgery, he shyly requested that his mother (my ex-wife) and her sister (his aunt) either turn around or leave the room while he changed, feeling more comfortable with only me there to assist him.

Post-surgery, in the recovery room, were myself, my ex-wife, her sister, her 13-year-old daughter, and my 18-year-old son, all of us anxiously waiting for Jeremy to fully recover from the anaesthesia and to be discharged. As he started regaining consciousness, the first thing Jeremy whispered to me was his discomfort at being in only a gown with three female relatives present.

Just then, a female nurse stepped in to check his vitalysis while conversing with my ex-wife. Sensing my son's discomfort, I gently requested everyone, including the nurse, to step outside so that I could help him dress with the assistance of his older brother. The request seemed to perplex them all. The nurse in particular questioned whether my insistence was serious, emphasizing her extensive experience in nursing. I reaffirmed that it was about my son's comfort and not about her credentials. My pointing out that her dismissal of my son's feelings was insensitive did not sit well with her nor with my ex-wife, who later accused me of creating drama. Eventually, they all agreed to leave, and my older son and I helped Jeremy into his clothes.

Following this, my ex-wife called, arguing that I owed everyone an apology for my actions. I stood my ground, explaining the importance of respecting Jeremy's personal comfort and boundaries, particularly during such a vulnerable time. The conversation eventually touched on future bathing arrangements, where I expressed that if Jeremy wasn't comfortable bathing in front of her, it wasn't up for debate, and I wasn't going to push him.

If this scenario unfolded on a reality show, the reactions could be varied and intense. Viewers might split into camps, some sympathizing with the father's protective stance and others siding with the nurse and mother, perceiving the father's actions as unnecessary and overprotective. It could lead to heated discussions both on-screen and among the audience, potentially escalating into a broader debate about patient rights and family dynamics in sensitive medical situations.

bru I want him so muchhhhhh

like actually so much

we were almost a thing and see

him:

I wanna date her so bad

I think of her when I try to study, her face floods my mind

I tried to forget but I cant seem to just erase her

but i think its all for the best

i still have feelings

me: i cant forget him either;

i tried to just erase him and i almost did Imissed him a lot but I still wanted him everutime I would run into him

but when I heard he still had feelings it made me need him more

this is so fucked and he thinks im over him- IM NOT

im so fucking I need him so much

but he was the one who ended us before it even started so i cant even do anything

im scared and i dont know if he can date right now and its making me so fucking done w life

i dont need a man, i need THE MAN- HIM.

its not just for his looks or his fucking traits but I just fell for HIM

and I dont know if I can ever not regret or move on from this, there hasnt been anyone this right for me

but im too much of a coward to do anything

i guess Ill slowly forget, always with the regret of never doing anything

but to be frank its all on him

he shouldnt have ended things if he "liked me too much: and was afraid he wouldnt be "good enough" for me- BS

like ughghghgggg I hate him so much but I cant hate him

I don’t think I’m capable of thinking rationally. I’ve been in an almost six-year relationship, but should I stop counting? Where do I even start? I guess I should begin with the time he entertained another girl during my father’s funeral. I asked him why he did that to me, and he told me he didn’t know what he was doing. He also said that, during that day, he saw our roommate and came to his senses, sending the girl away. I find his reasons unacceptable even now.

Then, he told me that he lost the spark in our relationship. I understand, since we are human, and everyone has their own circumstances in life. Gradually, I lost it too. I started the breakup, but I couldn’t bear being away from him. After everything that happened, we talked. He cried, and I told him that we could make the relationship work again, but he said he didn’t know. We live together now, but without labels. I stopped asking if we could make it work because we’re both busy, especially since we’re in our last year of college.

Even though we’re together, I’ve gradually lost the sense of safety I once felt when I first met him. Yet, there’s still something inside me that wants to hold on to him. We’re together, but he can’t call me by name, he doesn’t express that he loves me, and he never talks about making this relationship work again. I have a plan in my mind to leave him after graduation. Why? Because I’m his only support in his chaotic world. I’ve always considered his situation. He’s still so good to me, taking care of me, cooking for me. But in the process, I’ve lost myself. I don’t know what to do anymore.

He’s my first in everything. I know some of you might laugh at how bad my choices are, but I think it’s a fierce battle between my mind and my heart that refuses to accept it.

Piece by piece I try to keep me and Ed’s relationship together it’s so hard we sometimes fight normally we make up immediately after I’m always the one apologizing first though.. his family issues have gotten so bad that he is having thoughts of wanting to kill himself one time he said he wanted his family to die I told him how that scared me and we got into another argument not really an argument he just cursed at me which he never does but still scared me more lunix told me to gave a breather so I did when I came back he was fine I feel so useless I can’t help him I can’t make him feel happy does he even love me or is he trying to find excuses to live it hurts everytime he talks about it the pain everytime I feel like I tell him to stop he’ll never tell me anything so I deal with it hide the pain hide the shame I want it to End I just wanna jump off a fucking Cliff why is this so hard I just wanna talk to someone but Ed’s best friend said it makes Ed really upset when I talk about one of our fights or issues with someone else what do I do I’m so close to fucking ending myself everyday im losing more and more energy to even get out of bed..

(Lunix my sister Ed my boyfriend)

I swear to god I have collage so much literally I hate my course and now I can’t even change it and I don’t know what to do bc I can’t js drop out of collage so idk what to even do I hate it so much I thought it was going to be a lot better but no it is the exact same as skl

I HATE COLLAGE !!

No like acc despite it

i had a therapist for 5 years who last year was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. initially they said it was really abnormal and slow growing and they were confident they could perform a whipple and chemo and hed be saved. 2 months later post whipple the cancer had spread to his liver and he was diagnosed terminal.

all of this was devastating of course, im familiar with his family, something we bonded over was our children and how similar we were as parents and the way we cared about people. watching him be torn away from his 2 young girls is so awful and i feel so deeply for his partner.

2 weeks ago i had sent a regrettable message raising the awkwardness of the time we met because i was completely emotional and i didnt want him to think i was falling apart without him, because despite devastation 5 years of therapy gave me some great tools to accept emotions as they come no matter how large or overwhelming.

this message was something that stressed him out and his partner then stepped in and said she would be a communication bridge. happy for that i obliged only asking once to apologise realising the mistake id made. she had told me as he deteriorated i would be invited to say goodbye, and in the interim she would reassess whether me and said therapist could reestablish contact. given that now that i could recognise that i asked her whether it would be okay to message him some more, she said no as he was in hospital and i replied that was okay but i was more meaning in general as this is not how i wanted to remember him. i was happy to leave is as he was recovering and needed rest. i made a comment in reference to her recognising how hard it must be not having contact by saying yeah i dont know any other relationship where not only am i not allowed to visit but not even talk to someone whos dying. somewhere in the message sent she replied saying that the relationship was to be terminated as the ethical boundaries are clear in that once he stopped being my therapist our relationship ended. she stated they had tried to be accomodating of my needs but how i wasnt able to be appropriately boundaried and that i am no longer ever be able to contact my therapist again.

not only had she said about a reassessment of boundaries but my therapist the last time i saw him told me that was likely not going to be the last time i saw him, she has also stated about me seeing him when he was close to the end for closure. the level of betrayal here is massive. i feel lied to, disrespected and above all else heartbroken i may never get to say goodbye to my therapist. he hasnt contacted me either.

it not just this that infuriates me. for the last 5 years i have been in almost a constant communication with my therapist. i was lucky enough to message him day to day to establish rapport and safety and a sense of trust i do not hold in alot of people from childhood as most adults did not care to care. as an adult now with my own kids i struggle to see how anyone could treat their kids that way and still struggle with closeness with other adults as i constantly think theyre going to leave.. ironic.

i have had multiple letters from my therapist every time he went away to bridge any abandonment feelings as most times he had holidays it was around key events of trauma. he has continuously told me i am worthwhile, how much he cares about me, offered hugs (sensory regulation) and sessions like walks in the local park to ease the feelings that came up with being in rooms.

ethics dont begin to cover the gray areas he stretched to help me heal and throughout this by no means have i felt like he did anything wrong as i truly felt a sense of safety and ease and like i could manage without him because he believed in me.

that was up until his partner messaged me. we are 2 months after his terminal diagnosis, and after research the 2 year wait of ethics is technically in a gray area because he is dying. its a bit late to pull the ethics card.

now i know likely all of her message is because she is struggling to let go too of her partner, as would i be. i hold such a great compassion for her situation right now and of think about her very fondly.

this however has been handled so poorly. there have been constant moving expectations, and boundaries and i feel as though over the years i have put up with many instances where maybe as a client i shouldnt have had to. (a medical proffesional telling me once that its completely innapropriate the expectations that have been out on me.) all because i pushed to have it mimic a real relationship so i could learn how to navigate.

i have cried so much these past few months and before the terminal diagnosis was considering leaving therapy as i felt hugely capable without him.

this is such an abrupt was to end this half decade of my life trusting this man who in his dying days seems not to give a shit. or is maybe just running with his partners mistake in support. im not sure. but this is so devastating to have it end like this. its such an awful memory of him and now a shame because everywhere reminds me of him because of his involvement in my life. im sure later on this will be lovely but right now its painful. there was no goodbye.

its crazy to me because there was one time we had a fight because i said i cared more about him and he was going to reply, later told me,that i didnt know that so i couldnt say that to him.

this whole thing is fucked i know. but not even a goodbye after 5 years. like that is so shit. just so sad. its all so unfair.