Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I've been trying. I've been really trying to be better. But nothing i've tried really works. Whenever i looks like i took a step foward i take two back. I don't know what to do. Lately things have been only getting worse. And i think my anxiety Is getting worse too. And i'm so tired. I'm so tired of feeling anxious. I'm so tired of trying. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of feeling so horrible. I feel like i'm ruining everything. All over again. And i feel like i'm dragging my loved ones down with me. They don't deserve that. I'm sorry. I don't want to be like this. But i don't know how to fix It. The more i think about, the more i think that maybe i'm a bad person, and that maybe i can't fix anything afterall.

Recently, my cousin organized a quaint baby shower at our neighborhood park. Unfortunately, the turnout wasn't exactly what we hoped for, probably because of the biting cold, but we all managed to have a pretty decent time—well, almost all of us.

As the baby shower was winding down, a familiar figure from around the area, an old homeless man known as Marvin, strolled by. Marvin is a kind-hearted soul, well-known for tidying up our community by gathering litter and collecting cans and bottles to recycle. He's really one of those silent heroes no one talks much about. When Marvin hesitantly asked if we had a spare sandwich, seeing the genuine need in his eyes, I felt compelled to help out.

Looking over the leftovers—a surplus of food that I knew wouldn't be touched again—I quickly put together a modest meal for him: a sandwich, some chips, and a few grapes. Marvin, visibly moved, took the plate with shaky hands and muttered a heartfelt thank you before continuing on his way.

However, not everyone seemed to share my perspective. My cousin, along with her sister, aunt, uncle, and some relatives from her husband's side, were quick to criticize my actions. They argued that my generosity was inappropriate since Marvin wasn’t an invited guest. They labeled him dismissively as a ‘bum’ and expressed their displeasure towards me for giving away food that I hadn't personally paid for, despite the clear waste it would otherwise become. They felt my actions were inconsiderate and disrespectful to the occasion.

It makes me wonder, if this moment were captured in a reality show, how would the audience react to it? Would they see my actions as a simple act of humanity or agree with my family’s viewpoint? Reality shows often highlight such drama and moral dilemmas, which can polarize audiences.

Anyway, what do you think? Did I step out of line by feeding Marvin?

i am soo tired. i just want to sleep and never wake up. i dont want to live but whenever i think to end myself i remember how i promised my siblings we would try new food together or watch a series/movies together or what if i just tell my parents how i feel , will they react good or bad maybe if its good i can or will be able to leave these thoughts behind but if not then i am afraid i might just do it . i dont want my parents to spend anymore more of there hard earned money on me , they already wasted so much money on me and its useless if its on me i am not even talented , smart , pretty or anything my siblings have sooo much more potential maybe i should have never been born so that i would not have troubled my parents my family so much , thanks for listening/reading , hope you have a great life.

i used to tell myself it was just a phase. that one day, i’d meet the right person, and everything would just click like it does in the movies. but here i am, years later, still alone, still wondering if maybe this isn’t a phase at all—maybe i’m just gonna be single forever. it’s not like i haven’t tried. i’ve gone on dates, i’ve downloaded the apps, i’ve forced myself into awkward conversations with people who i knew, deep down, weren’t the right match. but it never works out. either i don’t feel anything, or they don’t. or worse, we pretend for a while, but it just slowly fades into nothing. and every time it happens, i start wondering if maybe the problem isn’t them. maybe it’s me.

maybe i’m just not built for relationships. i see other people fall in love so easily, like it’s just something that happens to them. they meet someone, sparks fly, they get into a relationship without overthinking every little detail. meanwhile, i analyze everything. do i even like them? or do i just like the idea of not being alone? will this feeling last, or am i just forcing something because i think i should? and then there’s the other side of it—the fear. the fear of getting attached, of trusting someone, of letting them in just to have them leave. i tell myself i want love, that i want to experience all the things other people talk about, but every time i get close to it, i find a reason to push it away. too busy, too complicated, too much efort. but if i keep doing that, then what? then i will be single forever.

people always say, "you’ll find someone when you least expect it," but that feels like such a lie. it’s not like love is just gonna fall out of the sky and land in my lap. if it hasn’t happened by now, who’s to say it ever will? i try to convince myself that being single isn’t a bad thing, that i should just enjoy my own company, focus on myself. and some days, i belive it. but other days? other days i see couples walking down the street, holding hands, laughing like they exist in their own little world, and i wonder if i’ll ever have that. or if i’m just meant to be on the outside, watching it happen for everyone else but me.

Why can't I just feel normal? I'm 16 yet I already feel like there's so many expectations now. There are so many talented people in so many different fields at my age. I've been feeling okay but recently I've felt like there's so many expectations that I've set up for myself. I used to have a complicated relationship with age, I was raised by the internet all my life and I adored the feeling of being the youngest, like being dubbed as "mature" within an environment that was purely teenagers or adults. But age practically proposes nothing, and I'm glad I got out of that mindset. It didn't help that I maladaptive daydreamed for most of my life though, and hid behind a dumb persona. I feel satisfied with being a teenager, but now my past is causing me to feel... off. The internet is probably one of the only places I have right now that I can express my authentic self in one way or another. I'm trying to do my best, and sometimes I don't even notice that what I produce (art, conversation, etc) is even worth it without someone assuring me about it. All of these factors are making me feel ridiculous and pressured...

I truly wish I never told you who I was. And who I wanted to be. I never expected the absence of words I hated so dearly to effect me in such a way. I wish I never told you I was nonbinary. And that the names made me feel gross sometimes. I wish I was still propped up on your chest while you whispered our nicknames into my ear. I miss being your pretty girl. I miss being your wife. I miss feeling like I mattered to you. I miss you showing off your girlfriend to everyone you know because I was the prettiest thing you've ever seen. But now your to scared to call me pretty. To nervous to tell me I look beautiful. All of our compliments and sweet names are filled with anxiety and it hurts me to hear the pain in your voice. I hope you know I love you. And I hope you know.. that if I could take it all back and just stay quiet about who I was. I would. In a heartbeat.

Umm so today and the day before yesterday i had dreams with something in common with them i had panic attacks out of nowhere in my dream i struggle to breath for 20 to 30 sec and then when i calmed down everyone in that dream looked worried like in the 1st dream my friends which i don't like asked me to show them my diary and my bestie too but then i didn't wanna show it to them and i had a panic attack . In yesterdays dream i was crossing the road and i heard some clicks like someone taking pictures of me then i went to them asked them to show the picture and they weren't taking pics of me i was just in the way and then i had a panic attack like wtf?

Recently, my husband, our three young ones, and I needed a break, so we decided on a beach vacation. To make it more enjoyable, we invited his sister Laura, her husband, and their two children, as there was an extra bedroom detached from our main rental. I had previously mentioned to Laura that I wanted a low-key vacation, especially since I am still recovering from childbirth and now juggling three kids.

Upon one of our beach days, I was surprised to see my in-laws, along with my stepson Alex and his girlfriend, arrive unannounced. They had driven three hours to 'surprise' us and had coordinated with Laura to find our location. While the gesture was sweet, things quickly became overwhelming. They had no arrangement for their lodging or meals and naturally expected to stay with us in our small, open-plan beach house, which barely accommodated doors, much less extra people.

Assuming they had no plans, we scrambled to prepare a meal using the extra food I had packed just in case. Faced with a lack of space, I had even settled the baby into one of the two small pack-and-plays in our only restroom. When I returned to check on him later, I caught Alex and his girlfriend using the glass-enclosed shower right next to where my baby was sleeping which was unsettling and inappropriate.

I quickly discussed the situation with Laura, emphasizing that we couldn't host everyone due to the constraints and lack of privacy. Despite my husband initially disagreeing, understanding the impracticality, Laura began looking for nearby hotels. Meanwhile, Alex's girlfriend had settled on using our only couch, which was my last refuge for a moment of peace with a glass of wine after a long day.

Eventually finding a hotel, the group didn't leave until midnight, further disrupting the night with loud poker games on our patio which led to an unpleasant exchange between my husband and his father. This incident has sparked ongoing arguments between my husband and me about family and boundaries during vacations. We even ended up footing half the bill for their hotel room, while Laura covered the rest.

Reflecting on this, if this entire scene were part of a reality show, I can only imagine the audience's reaction to the unfolding chaos and lack of consideration. The dramatic entrance, the tension over house space, and the late-night confrontations would certainly make for compelling television, but no doubt many viewers would sympathize with the struggle of maintaining order and boundaries in such a packed setting.

If this was on a reality show, would the audience rally behind us for enforcing boundaries, or would they support the surprise and spontaneity brought by the in-laws?

This is my first year in school since five years (I was homeschooled) and I have trouble talking to people in fear of being rude or misunderstood. I met a girl who was very understanding of my sarcasm and candidness and she became my friend and introduced me to her friend group. I became absent for a day due to illness to find out that one of the girls in the group turned the entire 8 person friend group against me. She told them that everything I’ve ever said was simply rude and that I judge her work in class (even though I’ve never sat next to her in class and the only time I did sit next to her I told her that her work is beautiful). I now sit alone again and I can’t find good friends who want to be with me for who I am and not what I am (I have insecurities of being used since that was what kept happening to me). I feel lonely all the time but I can’t make friends. Any thoughts?

Does anyone remember this? https://iiwiars.com/spiritual-journey-stories/i-hate-this

Yeah, update now.

Can't you see those teachers can be petty?! I bet my shitty idiotic dance teacher only said that to mom because he felt pity. Fuck pity! I'm not as weak as you think, bastard cunt! And those kids may be tired, but the more they know me, the more comfortable they'll get conspiring I'm a horrible dancer and laugh in some competition, if I'll even get in one! I'll pretend to not give it my all, it's better than GARBAGE any day. He's lying to my face to sound like a nice guy and it's not working. He may say I did well for a beginner in an advanced tier, but I don't believe in beginner's luck or any good luck. My scheme will work. I'll just not try and he'll kick me out. I can do a half-ass job and call it a day, and then week, then a month, until he thinks I don't care and he suggests I leave. Good idea, since people are untrustworthy "species". He may say good, I smell "I'm saying this to drain money from your slut mother". Not so fast, liar cheat! You yourself said I'm allowed to not care! If I could burn the school, the music place, and my classmates, I would. And I'd salt the Earth away for extra measure and reside on Mars, if aliens do exist. But I can't. I just wish life was still and I was more free.

I went to the class and unfortunately put effort. I obviously wasn't matching the kids and they somehow didn't laugh, but it makes me more suspicious. More suspicious they weren't laughing because they thought I was bad and wanted to laugh, but didn't for respect. I told it to my brother earlier, and he said, "They won't! I see grown adults come in piano class and they can't even play Merry Had A Little Lamb, and I don't laugh because I know they'll get there!" You're 11, you haven't felt the worst feelings yet. Instead, that teacher was again nice to me and being a bit silly to his older students, and saying they were all like me when they started. What bullshit, they wanted to be here, I said yes because mom insisted, and she's a fugly rat for that! Very FUGLY! FUCKING UGLY!! She wanted to set me up for failure! She wants to see me become my worst self! I feel more clearer now, more than I ever did. The world is a planet of smog and salt, the people are monsters of Hell, me and the minority the survivors. I may feel a pull where if I do something I enjoy I feel kinder and sweeter, but that's the girl I hate being. I hate switching to that weak version of me, I want her to go away, shed off. She's weak and dumb. Do you not see the pissy world I live in? I have to fight for my life, until I die. You say yourself no one's good here. I don't feel weak like those witch doctors say "stress" does, I feel stronger, godly. Kindness and being nice, even feeling nice and regretting hurting others, it's my weakness from me. I need to improve that and not feel it. Nice people are a lie. No one is genuinely sweet, they're all doing it to seem nice, when really they haven't awakened their innermost selves, the true "disgusting" selves. I need to learn how to shed my outer fake self, the me I hate being who loves family, who likes science and history, who likes art, who likes cheesecake, it's a fake society-created shell. I wish I could talk to her to tell her to fuck off. I'm regressing, into my weakest form!

So, here's the deal. I'm 16, and I've got this father who just doesn't get it. He's like this invisible anchor, dragging me down. You know that feeling when you study hard for an exam or practice for hours on the field, and all you want is a simple "good job"? Yeah, that's never happening; not in my house. It's almost like a game for him. Whenever I ace a test or make a fantastic play during a game, he's right there, telling me how I could have done better. Like, "You got 98%? Where's the other 2%?" or "Great goal, but you almost missed it." I mean, come on, does he ever just chill? 🏆

I try to stay positive, keep my head up and all that, but man, it's like he's constantly moving the goalpost. It's like no matter how fast you swim, the other side of the pool just keeps getting farther away. I feel like I'm living in this hyper-competitive video game where the other player is unbeatable because they control the settings. "You can always do better, son," is practically his motto, but where does it end? Ever tried telling someone how you feel, only to have them twist it around until you're the bad guy? That's my dad. It's a psychological basic that unmet validation can lead to self-doubt, and oh boy, do I have a PhD in self-doubt. But does he acknowledge it, even when there are studies backing it up? Like I’m the one with the emotional IQ problem here.

But, you know what? I refuse to play his game forever. I've read tons of stories about people who’ve risen above similar situations. Mind over matter, right? I’ve started keeping a journal where I jot down my accomplishments, the things that I’m proud of; and—believe it or not—it actually helps. It's this odd sort of mental hack, I suppose. Almost like I'm training myself to be resilient, you know? Some say, "This too shall pass," and I’m beginning to believe it. Have you ever felt that little spark of hope that insists things will change? It's like having a secret weapon, and maybe, just maybe, that’s enough to push through. So, tell me, have you ever felt trapped in a cycle that's beyond your control? How'd you break free? Because I’m all ears for stories of hope and resilience.

my last post was about gigachads, now what i actually want to know, how do they have all this capacity, whats there secret to performing well even tho they have alot of struggle, what am i doing wrong

It starts small. So small I almost don’t notice it at first. Just a tightness in my chest, like I’ve forgotten to breathe properly. My thoughts get a little louder, a little faster, like someone pressed fast-forward on my brain and now it’s running ahead of me, out of control. I try to ignore it, tell myself it’s nothing, that I’m fine, but my body has already decided otherwise. My hands feel weird, kinda tingly, kinda numb. My stomach twists into knots, and suddenly I feel like I might throw up, even though I haven’t eaten anything in hours. But the worst part? No one around me has a clue. I could be sitting in a room full of people, having a completely normal conversation, nodding, even laughing at the right moments, and no one would know that inside, I’m barely holding on. That’s the thing about a silent anxiety attack—it doesn’t look like what people expect. There’s no hyperventilating, no shaking, no obvious signs. Just me, stuck in my own head, trying to act normal while my body is screaming at me that something is very wrong.

I’ve gotten good at hiding it. Too good, maybe. I’ve had these episodes since I was a teenager, and over the years, I’ve learned how to perform through them. I know how to keep my voice steady even when I feel like I can’t breathe. I know how to smile and nod while my heart is pounding so hard I swear it’s about to explode. I know how to keep eye contact, to ask the right questions, to seem present, even when my mind is looping through the same terrible thoughts over and over again. What if I pass out? What if I embarrass myself? What if I just lose control completely? And the scariest part? No one ever notices. They just keep talking, keep moving, keep living their lives, while I sit there drowning in my own head. And then, just when I think it can’t get worse, the exhaustion hits. Like my whole body just gives up after the fight. My muscles ache, my brain feels foggy, and all I wanna do is sleep, but I know when I wake up, it could all happen again.

I wish I knew how to stop it. I wish there was a switch I could flip, some way to tell my brain, hey, chill out, nothing’s actually wrong. But logic doesn’t work when anxiety takes over. People say things like just breathe, just relax, but they don’t get it. If it was that easy, I wouldn’t be feeling like this in the first place. I try grounding techniques, counting things in the room, touching something solid, focusing on sounds around me. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t keep living like this, constantly waiting for the next wave to hit. Because that’s the worst part of anxiety—it’s never really gone. It’s always just waiting, lurking in the background, ready to take over the second I let my guard down. And honestly? I don’t know if I’ll ever be free from it.

sometimes i rlly wonder if its just me or if im actually that bad to be around. im 17, i go to school every day jus like everyone else, but nobody ever notices im there. its like im invisible or somethin. i try makin friends, ive tried a million times. i talk to ppl in class, i join groups for projects, but every time i try it jus ends up awkward n weird. feels like nobody actually wants me there, they just deal wit me til they dont hav to anymore. nobody invites me to parties or hangouts or even jus to chill after school. i see all their pics online laughin and hangin out n it hits me hard every time that nobody thought of me. i rlly dont kno wat im doin wrong? is it cuz im quiet, or maybe not funny enough, or do i look weird or somethin? i jus wish somebody wud tell me why they dont like me. teachers always say dumb stuff like "just put urself out there" but they rlly dont get it. i am tryin, nd all it ever does is remind me how much nobody rlly likes me. even lunch sucks cuz theres never anyone who wants me around. most days i just eat by myself in some quiet corner hopin nobody sees how pathetic i am. sometimes i wish i cud just be someone else, somebody cooler, somebody ppl actually like bein around.

my parents keep askin me why i dont bring any friends home or hang out after school. wat am i sposed to say to them? "hey mom n dad, nobody actually likes ur son"? i kno they love me, but theyll never understand. theyll jus say im bein dramatic or tell me things will get better. but wat if they dont? wat if im jus stuck feelin this lonely forever? honestly, im tired of it. sometimes i lay awake at night thinkin bout wat its like to hav real friends—ppl who text u jus cuz they wanna talk, or ppl who actually care if ur ok. ive never rlly had that. its always jus been me. nd i try not to care but it hurts a lot, like rlly hurts. makes me wonder wat the point of even tryin is, if all it ever does is remind me how alone i am. sometimes i think bout jus givin up n acceptin that im probly meant to be alone, but deep down i guess i still hope maybe someday somebody might actually like me for who i am. even tho rite now that seems pretty impossible.

It's hard to know where to begin, so I'm just going to start talking. I was dating a guy for over an hour and a half when he suddenly broke up with me out of the blue (OVER TEXt!!) Then, he ghosted me. I tried getting him to talk to me. I texted and I called, but no response. Until finally a week later he asked if I would be willing to meet. In short, we talked it through and decided to try again.

We were good again for a few weeks, and then we got into a fight. He lied to me but didn't think he did, and he got mad at me for being upset. (He was always getting upset with me for being upset, which was really crappy.) We talked this through, and before I went home that night, he said we were good. I really thought we were. It was just a rough moment, and I thought we had worked through it. Apparently, I was wrong.

He wouldn't respond to my texts for days, and when I called him a couple of days later after a bad day at work, he ignored the call, then a while later texted to say "I'm not ready to talk yet". I didn't even know that we weren't talking or that he needed space. He didn't tell me, and in hindsight, his lack of communication was always a sore spot for us. Probably another week went by before I finally got him to talk to me. I had a family emergency where my sister ended up in the hospital, and I texted him twice practically begging him to be there for me before he finally called. He came to the hospital, and he was reluctant to talk to me about what was going on, but he finally did. He finally said that he didn't want to be with me. He said that we could take a break and some time apart to try to work this out. He even suggested that we could still talk and even hang out every once in a while but that this would take some time.

I agreed to this because I didn't want to lose him. But he didn't keep to any of this.

I gave him space, rarely texted him, which all went unanswered. Every once in a while (like every couple of weeks) he would answer a phone call, and we would talk for hours about how we've been and it would go really well. Each time we made plans to meet up, but he also ended up canceling each time. This happened three separate times over the past 3 months.... and I fell for it every time.

He kept stringing me along, and I let him. He hasn't responded to any of my texts or attempted phone calls since the last attempt to get together. And I stopped trying. It's been nearly a month since the last time I attempted to reach out to him, and it still hurts so much more than I would like to admit. I know it's over between us, but I think the hardest part is that there was never an official breakup. We never got an official ending, so I think there is still a part of me that hopes he will eventually reach out to me, and we'll find a way to work through this.

I don't even really want to get back with him anymore, but I still miss him dearly. It's hard, and I feel so alone.

I hate that he did this. I hate that he treated me like this and that I let him. I hate that I still miss him.

There is so much more that I could write, but I'm not sure if anyone will actually read this.

I just hope to hear people's thoughts about this. I don't have anyone I can talk to about the breakup, so I have nowhere else to turn to and really want to get to the point where I can move on. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.