Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

It’s kind of stupid. I don’t even really know how to say it, or why I feel the need to throw it out here. But here I am.

Today’s my ex’s birthday.
We broke up over two years ago. We were together for four. And still, every damn year, May 16th hits me like a total bitch.

I try to carry on like it’s a normal day, but it’s not. It never is. I close my eyes and she’s *right there*. The memories come rushing back before I can stop them. Not really the good ones, even though there were a few, but mostly the bad. The heavy. The ones that never really let go.

It was the worst relationship of my life. I’m really not exaggerating it. I’m won’t get into the details—this isn’t the place, and honestly, I don’t want to go back there more than I already am. But it was toxic. Emotionally violent. Draining in ways I still don’t have words for.
And yet—part of me is *still* stuck there. Still trapped in a past I hate with every part of me.

I’ve tried to move forward. Tried to rebuild. And on the outside, it looks like I have. I’m stronger now. Sharper. She’s been gone from my life for ages; we don’t talk, we don’t see each other, we live in different worlds.
But today, I can’t fake it. I can’t pretend May 16th doesn’t mean something. That it doesn’t *still* mess me up.

I hate feeling this way. This ugly, twisted mix of pain, nostalgia, and quiet anger I don’t know where to put. It makes no sense. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want it. I don’t *deserve* it.
But it’s here. So I’m saying it. Because maybe it’ll helps.
Maybe dragging this invisible weight into the light makes it just a little easier to carry.

I'm in my early 20s and just started at a mid-sized tech company in the San Mateo area about 1.5 months ago. The office has around 500 people, and things are mostly going well, except for one annoying issue - single-use EVERYTHING. Styrofoam cups, java jackets, plastic utensils, canned water, you name it. Every day, I see people with those waxy coated paper cups for coffee, water, juice, whatever. These can't be recycled, yet they keep ending up in the recycling bin.

Yesterday, I decided to put up some simple paper signs around the cup area. They said, "Consider bringing your own reusable mug to the office :) These wax-coated cups cannot be recycled. Our reliance on single-use items creates unnecessary garbage and furthers our dependence on plastic." Whenever I passed by the kitchen, I saw people reading the signs and felt super proud of making a difference! But today, when I came in, the signs near the HR area were taken down. So, I printed more. Again, they were removed within 2 hours. Since HR orders all the kitchen supplies, I suspect it's them. I'd talk to HR, but I feel like they're biased since they order this stuff. It's frustrating because, being in the SF Bay Area, we should be held to a higher standard of sustainability, especially as a mid-sized company. You wouldn't find this much single-use garbage in other offices around here.

So, am I wrong for being concerned about our office sustainability? How should I resolve this? Also, what if this was a reality show? Can you imagine the drama? Like, would people root for me or the HR folks? How would the audience react to my efforts to make the office greener?

Struggling with a difficult phase, I'm sitting down to share something that's been troubling me lately. Over the past several months, I've found myself grappling with an increasingly negative outlook towards my romantic life, particularly around my challenges in finding a girlfriend. Initially, I chalked up my lack of success to bad luck or just being in a slump. But as time passed, the rejections piled up, and I had to fight harder against some toxic thoughts creeping into my mind.

The tipping point for me was when someone I had grown close to over about nine months rejected my romantic advances just because of my hair color. Her exact words were something akin to, "You're a great friend, but I'm just not attracted to your hair." This rejection based on something so superficial was a new kind of pain, especially since she and I shared a deep connection otherwise.

Seeing other men, who didn’t treat women well, face no repercussions in social settings like clubs further messed with my head. This observation seemed to validate the unjust world view I was trying to resist, which some call the 'chad' mindset - where seemingly unkind or arrogant men appear to succeed effortlessly with women.

This struggle came to a head recently when a friend’s girlfriend organized a group trip that included me and one of her single friends. It seemed like a perfect opportunity to meet someone new in a less pressured setting. However, inconsistencies in her availability – being free one day and not the next – left me feeling frustrated and jilted yet again.

I am actively trying to better myself – hitting the gym, focusing on advancing my career, and reconnecting with sports to regain my old form. Despite these efforts, my confidence is shaky, and the fear of spiraling into an 'incel' mindset – where one blames women for their romantic failures – haunts me.

Imagining myself in a reality show discussing these issues, I wonder how it would be perceived. Would the audience empathize with my struggle, or would they judge me for these creeping negative thoughts? It’s a risky exposure that could either garner support or backlash, reflecting the polarized views of society on such matters.

If anyone out there has overcome similar hurdles or can offer perspective, your guidance would be invaluable right now.

I wasn't exactly sure what category to put this story in. I'm not exactly dating these people, and the reasons for that are super complicated.

My ex, Gunner, made me feel horrible. He said he couldn't date me because of my multiple personalities, which I get, I have mood swings, but I'm pretty sure what he was experiencing was just emotions. And also because I was adopted, I was "taken out of my natural habitat and who knows what I'd do." Which was said by Gunner's mother. Me and Gunner had only been dating for a week. I had to watch him date another pretty girl, who he stayed with longer than me. Me and Gunner only lasted a week, but we'd been talking for a month. After they'd broken up, she had a similar experience, saying he was extremely racist to her, and didn't want to be with her because her anxiety was something he couldn't "handle".

I sometimes wonder if maybe it is me who is doing something wrong. I know Gunner and me just weren't meant for each other, and I know something is wrong with him because I talked to Valeria (His ex). Gunner went around saying I was a bad kisser, which I know for a fact isn't true. He just needed something to around talking about, even though he'd broken up with me because of my background...? He's not fooling anyone.

A few months ago, I was talking to this boy named Jeremiah. We were good friends before we started talking, and my sister is the one who decided I should try to get with him. We'd only been talking a week before he ghosted me, and stopped talking to me. I heard from my sister, who promised that Jerry wasn't going to be like my ex, he said he "just wasn't feeling it."

We were talking today in pottery, when he told me that he thought I hated him. The way I heal is: I totally ignore the person while I cry and be sad over them. That's just how I am. Yeah, I see that as a red flag, but I can't help caring for someone I think cares for me too.

He told me today that I wanted to have a friends with benefits situation, and his friend Ethan started yapping about it, and telling Jerry how good of an idea it was. I just sat there. I know he's just going to use me with this whole benefits thing. And the reason I say "use me" is because that's what he's doing.

I had just gotten out of talking to someone, which only lasted a week. Wow, are you guys surprised? What's the pattern here? Hmm...

This guy's name is Tanner. Tanner and I have known each other since the seventh grade. He told me he's liked me since last year, but then just on Saturday, told me he's lost feelings for me. Okay, but how do you lose feelings that fast? It was clearly lust, not love. And he's been waiting to do stuff with me for a year, it's obvious. At first, I was so happy he liked me! Then, I heard the stories of him getting with girls, and as soon as he got what he wanted, ghosting them. Did I listen? No. I gave him what he wanted... I'm sure you can image what I mean. And, he ended up leaving anyways. Then, to make matters worse, I saw him, the next day, with his hand between Cory's thigh. Holding her hand in the halls, looking at her like he looked at me. Like he really likes her. Like he really liked me.

So, when I say that Jerry is using me, it's because of what happened with Tanner. Literally a month ago, this boy whom I really liked, we "did it" but I'd only done it because I really like him, and I thought, if I did it, he would like me too. But, he didn't. It was really sad, because like everyone else, he ended up ghosting me too. Guess how long we'd been talking! A WEEK!!!

So, remember when I said it must be me who's doing something wrong? That's because of things like this! It must be my fault! I was talking to Jerry today, and he said Tanner broke things off because I'm too nice.

Guys, my love language is physical touch, and gifts. Tanner told me he didn't like me anymore, according to Jerry, because I'm too nice. I'm too nice? What? That's ridiculous. I know I can trust this source because him and Tanner are best friends.

Oh, and also, when Jerry was talking about that dumb friends with benefits thing, he said that if it did happen, he couldn't tell anyone, and that it is supposed to be secret. So, wait, he wants to do it with me, but I'm not allowed to talk about it?

It just shows he's literally ashamed to be with me.

All of this has been hurting my mental health. It's coming to a point where I feel kind of insane? And it's not like I'm doing it on purpose, I just really don't know if I can handle my heart being messed around with. It's only been a couple weeks that this has happened to me. I hate going around from guy to guy, but I'm also tired of being played.

That's not even the worst part about this.

I can't even tell anyone about this, which is why I'm glad there are sites like these...

So, we all know - lots of teens have Snap chat. I've been talking to this guy on snap, who actually just recently told me his age today. I guess it's kinda creepy because all along I've thought he was my age. He told me he was going to buy me a bunch of stuff, and that he loved me, and that we were going to get married.

Okay, so what's the problem, just block him! RIght?

Right.

I wish I could say that it was actually that simple. It weird. I know he's mentally ill, because he's 39 and I'm 15. But I just can't ignore him. It's not hurting me to say goodmorning to him, right? And besides, he listens to me. It's not like he's asked for my address, or for me to send to him, so he's not harmful. And although its really weird, and you guys probably think it's gross, its not like he's grooming me, right? And, sadly, I really like the attention. It would never work, because he's like 23 years older than me, but it's kinda nice he's the only person who hasn't made fun of me for being, well, me.

And I know he says I'm his fiance, and he'd do anything for me, and he wants to come see me in June... but I can't let him go. I do that, and I'm just as bad as all the guys at my school who are trying to ghost me. Why can't we just find people who like me for me? Who want to be with me? I want someone who wants to be with me, all the time. Who can't stand to be with out me. Who likes to hang out with me, who will let me braid their hair, laugh with them, has jokes, good style, can help me with my homework. Someone who won't leave just because, I have a good butt (Which was said by my friend Daryl who just wants to do me too) or because they just weren't feeling me, or because I'm adopted or well...

Because I'm too nice.

You see, cuz my parents are getting tired of me. They don't really care what I do anymore. But it's sad, because at these moments all I need is my mama. We found out that she might have cancer. I don't know if I'm glad, or if I'm scared. Why would I be glad? Because I was almost taken from her because of abuse. So why do I want her? Where was my bio mama when I needed her? Lynda was there for me, not Dominique. I've started taking pills again, sleeping more, smoking, eating less. I actually hate sulking around all the time and hating life. But, when you've been spit out and thrown away like a wad of ABC gum, I can't held but feel how other people treat me. And I wonder, does Cory even see how she looks? Getting with someone who does things with girls and then dips?

Or maybe she's blinded by love, like me.

Well, I'm rambling now. But you all get the point.

So what do I mean it's going to be the last?

The last time I ever said I love you ever again.

Because no one ever deserves my love.

And no one ever will.

you open yourself up to people and feel doomed for failure.

you've played this tune before.

you've been here before.

but now it's through a screen, now you can't reach them.

its the first time ive allowed myself to make genuine, real online friends. and its great, but i forgot that i make friends with some of the most mentally unstable people on earth. so im dissociated, shaken, petrified because one of our friends just described their dad beating them, then after how they were cutting their own stomach open, playing with their organs, and waiting to bleed out.

and the five minutes they didnt respond felt like hours.

and then they were okay, and didnt do it only because they didnt want us telling their irl friend. then they got mad at me for telling their irl.

they played one of my alltime favorite songs, Army Dreamers by Kate Bush. I saw it on their Discord status, while they were bleeding out. Suddenly I don't like that song anymore.

just last night we also dealt with the owner of the server being sent to a psych ward, then being rejected entry.

i have midterms this week, im dealing with my own fucked up emotions and feelings, and all my friends want to be dead.

i don't easily want to hurt myself, when i do its from extremely bad stress. im gonna see if i can get high tonight on something, anything. im so done with the real world. its not just this, its everything. its politics, its school, its my gender, its anxiety, and its my friends. and still its so much more. everything feels inescapable.

i want to live. im too scared of death for anything drastic. but i wanna find a way where i dont have to think about life so much. a place inbetween.

No I'm not the Joker. I had an unnecessary argument with some trolls online. It made me realize that I hate how everyone's an asshole and no one wants to have conversations or be civil. Even is always in the right even if they're wrong, especially influencers, they can't take accountability for their actions at all. I hate how billionaires get a free pass on taxes while some people in my country are debating between rent and food. I wanna go back to pre-iPhone era or go back to when we had trains. To be honest, I'd rather not exist at all.

You know, today has genuinely felt unreal. From waking up in the morning scrolling constantly without a signle muscle to pull me out until 10, to searching for job applications in hopes of eating away at my time in other ways, I felt like I have been aimlessly floating in this world without a single care. I currently have a girlfriend, and think about what could've been with my ex no mattter how much time passes. I feel like i'm going crazy, and I feel so dead. I don't know where to aim myself, and constantly strive to look for ways to become a better person, but the same feeling still exists deep inside of me. I also want to share that, me and my ex talked for months, and I felt like the way things ended were so quick that I was unable to gain closure, and no matter what I do, every girl for the rest of my life will be a rebound. does anyone know ways of being constantly productive. I want to live a life I can look back on, and smile at.

My son’s father and I began dating in 2019. We were happy, no fights. I got pregnant and had our son in September of 2022. I broke up with him shortly after the birth because I didn’t want to raise two kids if I only gave birth to one. He’s a decent father, I can’t say that he doesn’t love our son and that he won’t do anything for him. My issue with him is his parenting style. He doesn’t really know what to do, and I can’t fault him for that because we’re both figuring things out as we go.

Our son lives with me full time. He has never had an overnight sleepover at his dad’s . I arrange all childcare while we work. I buy all of his clothes, food, diapers, arrange all play dates, doctors appointments, etc. I have the insurance, i paid for any and all cribs, pack n plays, car seats, etc. This isn’t to say that his dad isn’t supportive and won’t provide financially. I’m certain that if I asked, he would give (I just don’t ask). The problem is, he doesn’t think about any of this stuff. So why should I let him sleep over.

**Backstory** He lived with his parents when we were dating and just lived out last November. He never told me he moved. I found out because he posted something on social media and my brother privately texted me asking when he moved and I knew NOTHING about it. And I know there’s a new girlfriend in the mix that he’s probably living with because he accidentally called me her name when we were on a family ice cream date together. I’m not stupid, I can put two and two together.

Am I wrong for not allowing my two year old to not sleep over at his dad’s house when I don’t even know where he lives or who he’s living with?? (He did give me the address finally but I haven’t been over to check the place out).

As long as I can remember my parents were big drinkers and were almost always high on drugs. Thi sled them to having a bad tempe. If I were to do something as a kid, they would get pissed off and start throwing thingsand yelling. I remember one night, I believe I was 9 when I was playing with my cup that I finished drinking the water out of. My parents had just came back from the bar, around 3:00 am. They were drunk and I remembered they’re eyes being bloodshot red. I was using my cup to set on my head for fun but it made them mad. They told me to, “shut the hell up, you mistake.” I quote.

I don't really know how to start this, but I needed to get it off my chest somewhere and someway, because it's been years that my poor mom has had to deal with this.

I'm currently a 29(F) who often is my mom's safe person to talk to if she needs to vent about things. I've always done this throughout the years because its felt like the one thing I could do for her with her situation. (That and offer her nights out if she just needs an evening away, things like that.)

Long story short, my dad is very narcissistic and goes above and beyond to paint this perfect picture of himself to people outside of immediate family (aka us). His side of the family can do no wrong, and at some point he decided it'd be a great idea to hire my aunt, his sister, into the family business "to help her out" and have someone "to run things" even though that role was my mom's.

She's taken full advantage of it of course. Basically taking it over as his manager, and over the years she's taken over small jobs within the business that my younger siblings used to do just to help them earn a money as they go.

She treats my mom the worst though. My dad has already been controlling when it comes to finances and has always had an "allowance" type of approach when giving my mom money and hovering over her every purchase, even though the majority of the time it's necessary purchases for her family like groceries. And things have just gotten worse with my aunt butting in because now she does payroll and signs checks. Her name is on stuff that my mom should have access to regardless because of marriage, and sometimes my dad will intentionally tell my aunt not to sign things to delay paying my mom.

All of that above I know is probably illegal one way or another. She knows this, its come up in conversation. I've told her to remember that it's always something to keep it mind if it gets too much, but I think she's just worried about my younger siblings and how it'd affect then. She has her own job thankfully so she has some relief from that, but she shouldn't be stressing as much as she is each day and feeling like she's always an afterthought.

It just made me sad and upset for her. I know by the end of the day that it's not all on me, but I still feel like her emotions are my business since I care about her. There's been times lately that I just want to confront both my dad and aunt after hearing her stories but I don't want to make the situation worse for her.

Sorry for the long rant, I know it's a bit all over the place, I just needed to get that out. There's more to the story and more details as this is actively going on even current day, but I think that's a good stopping point. Thank you if you've read this far.

i applied to this academic org. in my school a while back and i was in the group on our school website when the congrats post was sent out. i just found out i had no access to the group today and sent an email to the advisor who said i never submitted the form. i am crashing out because i don't understand why i wouldn't have been removed before the congrats post was sent out if my form was really not submitted. i remember clearly the screen saying "your form has been submitted" but the form did not allow me to save my response, so now i have no record of me actually submitting the form. i just feel like my future is ruined because this was really important to me. i have a google doc where i typed up my answers and obviously i have the version history for that, and my parents are going to talk to the principal, but i just don't know if that will be enough because there is no evidence of me submitting the form unless it's from their end. and again, they said they 'triple checked' and i hadn't submitted it. is it possible they're out to get me or something? i just feel lost.

I never thought I’d be the kind of man to ask myself this question. I’ve been married for fifteen years. We’ve built a home, a life, four amazing children together. I’ve always believed we had something solid, something real. But lately, I can’t ignore the feeling in my gut that something’s changed. That something’s off. It’s been two months now, and I can’t shake the tension that creeps into our everyday moments—the small silences, the distant looks, the texts she doesn’t let me see. I feel like a stranger in my own home sometimes.

It started subtly. A few late nights here and there. She’d say she had errands or wanted to get some time to herself. Which, fine, I get it. She’s a mom of four, she deserves space. But the pattern grew. Now it’s late night “drives,” phone calls she takes in the other room, messages she replies to with that tilted screen thing like she’s trying to shield it from my eyes. When I ask who it was, she gives short answers. Vague ones. And then changes the subject.

She used to tell me everything—how her day went, the people she talked to, little random things she saw online. Now, it feels like I have to beg for a conversation. Half the time, she’s scrolling on her phone or texting someone while I’m talking, nodding along distractedly. And the phone, man… it’s never out of her reach. Not even when she showers. Not even when she sleeps. She used to leave it lying around, no big deal. Now it’s always face down or tucked into her sweater pocket. And maybe I’m just being paranoid, but that stuff adds up.

What’s worse is that I can’t even talk to anyone about it. I can’t exactly go around asking people, “Hey, do you think my wife’s cheating on me?” It feels like betrayal just to say it out loud. I haven’t told my friends, and God knows I’d never bring it up to our kids. They’re still young, still looking at us like we’re the example of love and stability. I don’t want to take that away from them. Not unless I know for sure. But not knowing is driving me insane.

I’ve thought about going through her phone. I haven’t yet, but the temptation is there. Late at night, when she’s asleep and I’m lying next to her staring at the ceiling, wondering if the woman I love is lying to me… I think about it. About just unlocking it and seeing for myself. But then I ask myself—if I have to do that, hasn’t something already broken? Even if there’s no affair, the trust is already crumbling. I don’t want to be the suspicious husband. I want to believe in her. I want to believe in us.

But she’s not the same lately. There’s a coldness sometimes. Or maybe it’s just a distance. We don’t laugh like we used to. The inside jokes, the little gestures, even intimacy—it’s all changed. It’s not just less, it’s… different. Like she’s somewhere else when we’re together. And when I try to reach her, she puts on a smile, tells me she’s tired or stressed, says I’m imagining things. Maybe I am. But maybe I’m not.

I’m not perfect. I know that. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve been distracted, I’ve taken her for granted at times. Maybe she’s feeling unseen. Maybe there’s someone else who’s making her feel special, who’s giving her attention I stopped giving. And that possibility wrecks me. Not just because I’d be hurt, but because it means I failed her. Failed us. I keep thinking back to how we used to be—how we danced in the kitchen, how we made plans for the future, how we looked at each other like there was no one else in the world.

Now I look at her and I see someone who might be keeping secrets. Someone who still kisses me goodbye but doesn’t look me in the eyes. And I don’t know how much longer I can live like this—trapped between doubt and denial, wondering if I’m losing her day by day and just too scared to confront it. I don’t even know what I’d do if she admitted it. I don’t know if I’d leave, or if I’d try to fix it. I just know that the silence between us is getting louder.

So yeah, I don’t have answers. Only questions that eat at me every day. Is she cheating? Or am I just afraid of what it means if she’s not but still doesn’t love me the same anymore? I don’t know which answer would hurt more. All I know is, something’s wrong. And I’m terrified to find out what it really is.

TW: Suicide and SA

How do I even start this? My parents screwed me over. I got my mom's anxiety, and my dad's depression and addiction. I didn't learn about any of this until it was too late. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years, and the addiction gene just feeds of that shit. My parents treat my sister like shit and they fight a lot and vent to me about everyone and everything, so the addiction just moves me to another place in my mind. The first addiction I ever had was to hurting myself, and that nearly put me in the hospital. But I was getting help and had a couple good months, so I thought I was ok. But I didn't focus on the other problem developing. At first it was fine, but now I get blackout or close to blackout drunk every weekend (sometimes during the week), and I just want to stop, but I am surrounded by it all the time. I go to a party school and all my friends like to drink. I don't feel forced to drink, it just gives me an excuse to.

One time when I was out and drinking with friends, I was SA'ed. I had never been more disappointed in myself in my life and I wanted to disappear. Instead of taking the chance to make this a learning lesson, I continued to make horrible decisions. Only a few people know, but they only know parts. I told them that I only remember what he looked like and not his name, which is a lie. During the attack, I sobered up a bit, and I remember almost everything. I look over my shoulder a lot, hoping my past mistake doesn't come back to haunt me.

After a couple months, I hadn't gotten my period since the attack, and I was so fucking scared. I didn't speak or see any of my friends for 4 days, until after I took the test. The worst part of the whole week was the realization that I was not pregnant. At first, I had never been so relieved, but now I just feel like something is missing. I look at myself and I can feel apart of me missing. I don't know if it's the innocence I lost from that night, or what could have been.

I just got back from a trip with friends, and none of them really suspect anything of what I have been feeling. And I feel like a terrible person for feeling like this, because I should be happy and shit, but I'm not. This is not the worst I have ever felt, but it is close. I always thought I would grow up to be someone my past self would admire, but I think now I would just scare her.

I want to be not human for a bit. I want to take away my feelings, just for a time. Would that everything worse, probably. But at this point, I just want God to take away my pain.

Living next to an Airbnb has become increasingly challenging for me, culminating in numerous unsettling episodes. Without getting into every detail, suffice it to say the experience has been less than pleasant, especially after my house was struck by 20 bullets during a shootout at a raucous party hosted at one of these rentals earlier this year.

Last night brought another aggravating situation. The latest Airbnb guests thoughtlessly blocked our shared driveway. Trying to resolve the matter amicably, I approached them to request politely if they could move their vehicle. Their response was dismissive, a blunt "ain’t got the keys. NO," before they left in a different car leaving me stranded with my problem.

I've attempted to communicate with the owner of the Airbnb property multiple times to no avail; the last conversation we had was in May, after which there was only silence on her end. Considering her usual lack of responsiveness, I didn't hold out much hope this time either. Nonetheless, I sent her a brief text and proceeded to call the non-emergency police line to explain the situation. Contrary to expecting just assistance, the police decided to tow the car.

Now, the Airbnb owner is irate with me. She claims I acted too hastily and didn’t give her guests sufficient time to move the vehicle themselves. However, based on the guests' initial reply and past experiences, waiting around seemed futile.

Imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show. Cameras rolling as tensions rise and conflicts unfold could potentially amplify the drama and reactions. In such a setting, would the public side with me for taking a stand, or would they view my actions as an overreaction? Reality shows tend to dramatize conflicts and could skew perceptions, possibly painting me as the villain in the story for escalating the situation, regardless of my reasonable frustrations.

Am I justified in calling the police over the blocked driveway, or did I overreact by not waiting longer?

I don’t know how people do it. Like, just live without constantly feeling like they’re behind on everything. I spent years studying, working my ass off to get a degree, telling myself it would all be worth it in the end. But now that I’m finally starting my career, I feel like I missed everything else. I see people my age who are already settled, married, some even have kids, and here I am—just getting started, but already exhausted. I don’t even know if I made the right choices anymore. I wanted this, right? A good job, stability, a future. But what’s the point if I have no one to share it with? Every day, I wake up, go to work, come home, eat alone, sleep, and do it all over again. And yeah, I know, “It takes time,” “You’re still young,” blah blah blah. But when does it actually start feeling good? When does it stop feeling like I’m just surviving instead of living?

The worst part is, I want a family. I want love, I want kids, I want a home filled with something real. But it feels like an impossible dream now. Dating is a joke. Either guys don’t take me seriously, or they’re already settled with someone else. And then there’s the career part—if I do find love, if I do get pregnant, what happens to my job? I worked too hard to lose everything just because I want a family. But I also don’t want to wake up at 45 and realize I waited too long, that I let my best years slip away because I was too scared to make a move. I see women balancing it all, and I wonder how the hell they do it. I can barely keep myself together, let alone raise a whole child. And what if it never happens? What if I really do end up alone forever? No husband, no kids, just a job that doesn’t care if I exist outside of my work email. The thought of that keeps me up at night, makes my chest feel tight, makes me wonder if this is just how life is supposed to be for me. And if it is? Then depression sucks.

And what makes it worse? The fact that no one really gets it. People say “just put yourself out there” like it’s that easy, like I can magically force myself to meet the right person when I barely even have the energy to get through the day. They tell me to “enjoy being single”, but what if I don’t? What if I don’t want to spend my weekends third-wheeling my married friends or pretending to have fun at social events just to feel like I belong somewhere? I keep scrolling through pictures of people my age, smiling with their babies, celebrating anniversaries, moving forward in life, while I feel completely stuck. And the worst part is, I don’t even know how to fix it. I can’t just quit my job to chase love, and I can’t force love to happen just because I want it to. So what am I supposed to do? Just wait? Just keep hoping something changes while I feel like I’m running out of time? Because right now, it feels like no matter what I do, I’m always too late for everything that actually matters.