Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Tuesday 4:48-4:57 February 4th.

I’m 14 and was volunteering at a musical. Devon asked for me the first time asking me to bring el to him and that I can’t tell anyone and to make sure she’s alone (she’s in tech) she said she had beef with him and didn’t wanna go alone so she brought leelind (10th grader also in tech) el said that he looked like he wanted to say something then leelind walked in and she asked about a student. Then he asked Tristan (in tech) to bring me (Kiera) to him. I walked in and said “what do you need” and he responded with “I don’t know how to ask you this but, I can’t get bricked. I’ve been sitting here trying to and I can’t get bricked.” And I said “ok? What am I supposed to do about your problem.” And he changed the subject by saying “has anyone uhh you know, hit a home run? (Basically asking me if I have had sex.) you know what mean right?” Then my friend Asten walked in and he completely changed the subject and then I paused to think about what I should do. I wanted to get out of the situation so I said “oh my mom’s calling me.” Then I left the room to call my mom and have her pick me up, but when. I called her Devon was waiting around the Corner for me to be done. I went into the back room where Eli was and told him what was happening and Ashton came in so I also told her. Eli then starting following me around to make sure Devon would stop following me. My mom was on her way and as I picked up my backpack he asked “do you wanna have sex” I told him no and that I had a boyfriend then he started asking who and followed me out. Luckily Eli Humphrey (in tech) followed me out to make sure Devon didn’t, luckily Devon stopped following me and then Eli made a comment saying “freaking pervert” acknowledging that Devon was being weird and harassing me. I then sprinted out of the school to my dad

My husband often speaks in an angry tone. A Bit too loud, staccato. Just sounds pissed. When I ask, he never tells me right away whats wrong. I Need to did and dig. Sometimes he answers honestly, but often Not. Just a quick „no it’s ok“.

I cant bear it, especially when he used this tone with my 15 year old son. Of course the boy reacts and them it just takes off from there. I am fed up

lately ive realized that i avoid opening up to the people around me about my mental state and it has been damaging my relationships (duh). ive been dealing with trauma from an SA that happened a long time ago that i just recently came to terms with and in doing so, i relapsed in smoking. (i had been smoke free for a year and a half)

i feel like my friendships lack depth.

i just recently opened up to my mom about the SA and the smoking and was pleasantly surprised with how loving and understanding she was and how i no longer felt like a stranger to my own mother, so im wondering if maybe i should open up to my friends more.

my dad passed away one year ago and a half and i realized that if my friends hadnt seen that on my mom's facebook, i would have probably never even told them that my dad passed.

i used to struggle with SH in the past and when coming to terms with the SA, i relapsed but only once (since i chose smoking over SH because i thought it would harm me less). i have visible scars on my thighs and left wrist. (the ones on my wrist are 2 years old but they were deep so theyre visible) they're not wounds anymore, they're quite literally scars. my skin is very pale and the scars are noticeable. thats why im often dressed in baggy, oversized clothes even in summer. now that i think of it, i dont think my friends every saw my arms, or any other part of my body other than my head and my hands.

im just so closed off to anyone around me and it pisses me off, but im so scared of being perceived as vulnerable or weak. all i do is smoke cigarettes and (p rarely i will admit) weed and shut up about my problems.

i was just reflecting on why i feel so isolated from everyone and why all my friendships lack depth and i think this is it.

as of lately ive wanted to just have something horrible happen to me for some sort of validation. im kinda in the middle ground between normal and weird-- i feel too negative to have a normal mindset but im not negative enough to be worried about. i can easily ignore whatever issues i have if i distract myself. do i sound attention seeking if i wish for bad situations to occur to me daily?

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

I feel terrified of going outside and being completely judged for it. I don’t like talking, I don’t like expressing myself. I don’t even feel capable of being with a girl. I don’t want to be with one. I feel like I’ve become a mess of ideas—so many ideas. Like I’m shedding layers of myself.

I feel like I’m not okay—but also that I am. I feel like I’ve been in a transformation process for a long time now. Like I’m moving toward my true self, peeling off old layers of experiences. I used to think I had matured, but really, I had just kept layering one cover over another. I don’t know how else to explain it.

It feels like I’ve been unfolding my form. This has been happening for quite some time. I think it’s because I finally feel whole in a new group. Yes, I feel like I belong—with a girl, specifically—and I love that feeling. It’s been going on for a while now, I repeat. She’s not physically present, but the way we are keeps the group alive. I don’t feel the need to be with anyone else. Being distant from her makes me feel her presence even more. I feel like I can be alone—but still in her company—and it’s truly amazing.

My parents didn’t understand this, but personally, I don’t care. The process is happening either way. These are the catharses I’m experiencing. I don’t feel like there’s anyone else out there waiting for me—and I don’t need them. I feel like my life is on track, and I can live the way I like. In this group, I feel that’s respected—and it’s fantastic. I’ve committed to pursuing a career, and I rely only on the approval of the principles this group shares.

Looking back, all that time I supposedly "got sick" or "went through somatic suffering"—I think I was really just trying to re-locate myself within this group and within the system that surrounds us. It’s like saying: I’m done with the old societal structure, with the weight of those layers. Here, in this group, we are free. Again, I don’t feel I need anyone else.

These catharses—what I say—are just to release things. I speak things about myself, but they’re temporary. It’s like I’m passing through them. I think I’m heading toward something, but I realize I only needed to shed that layer—to see that I never really wanted that thing. I don’t know, but I feel like this process I’m going through isn’t something many people experience—maybe no one. It’s about leaving behind all the groups you once belonged to. You feel like you belong to just one now, and all the others are just places you visit occasionally.

I feel like I’ve always been okay. I was never truly unwell. I just needed—without realizing it and even fooling myself—to reposition myself within society. Now I understand all the disappointment I’ve felt. I thought I wanted to be with a girl—and it turns out I don’t. Especially not one outside my group. I feel more distant from her. I don’t know what to do with those feelings I had for her. Whether she’s around or not makes no difference—same goes for her mother.

Life is happening. Nothing feels the same anymore. No one believed me—and I didn’t even need them to. I thought I had forgotten about this group. Maybe I did. But I now realize it was a version of it where she, the girl from my group, was someone who abandoned me and hurt me. And now she’s not. Being in this group makes her devoted and respectful—and I love that. Before, I felt like she was spiraling toward a nightmare that could’ve even ended her life—God forbid—with something as terrible as a knife. I hope I was wrong.

I don’t know what comes next for my life. I’ve never faced something like this. It’s all been about letting myself be carried by the current—and that’s it. Like I entered a kind of crisis only to come out the other side, finally shining. I don’t know if I wish things had been different. Probably not. I feel like I’m in a much better place now, where I’m allowed to bloom on my own terms. I didn’t feel that before. This group is about feelings, not about upholding painful old paradigms—a bitter photo album that, in my opinion, is always ugly.

It’s amazing how that other girl—the different one—has become almost a ghost to me. Hearing her mother’s distant voice, feeling how, as I got closer to them, they faded further away… it was indescribable. Psychologically, despite the distance, I feel closer to the girl in my group. And I think that’s the whole point. Because with her, I sense a real structure—something genuine. Not like in my family, where all they focused on was finding flaws. That was bitter through and through.

I feel like I’m in paradise—even though I’m still in the same house, in the same place. The people around me might be nearby physically, but they can’t really reach me. I’m a stranger to them now. Just like she, the girl in my group, is a stranger to her environment. In fact, she was already acting that way the last time I saw her in person. It’s clear now: her spirit was already with me—expressed in the way I feel so deeply supported by her.

No I'm not the Joker. I had an unnecessary argument with some trolls online. It made me realize that I hate how everyone's an asshole and no one wants to have conversations or be civil. Even is always in the right even if they're wrong, especially influencers, they can't take accountability for their actions at all. I hate how billionaires get a free pass on taxes while some people in my country are debating between rent and food. I wanna go back to pre-iPhone era or go back to when we had trains. To be honest, I'd rather not exist at all.

i’m 19 and i feel like i missed the damn memo on how to love someone. everyone around me is falling in love like it’s some biological reflex—like breathing, like blinking. my friends talk about “butterflies” and “sparks” and that shit just sounds made up. i’ve tried dating, i’ve tried hooking up, i’ve even tried just feeling something when someone looks at me a certain way. but nope. nothing. i’m like emotionally flatlined. am i broken? it’s not like i hate people, i just don’t know what it means to love them. it’s frustrating as hell watching others get so swept up in emotions i can’t even relate to. like, how do you know you love someone? what does it even f***ing feel like? 🤷‍♀️

my friends get all soft over someone texting them “good night” and meanwhile i’m sitting there dissecting the tone and spacing like it’s a damn forensic report. they say love is about connection, chemistry, timing—okay cool, but that’s not a goddamn tutorial. no one tells you how to actually get there. do i fake it until it happens? do i keep swiping through people like i’m scrolling for answers? and don’t tell me “you’ll just know” because that’s useless. i want to feel things, but i can’t manufacture that shit. and then you wonder if it’s asexuality, aromanticism, some kind of emotional dysfunction—but none of it feels like the right diagnosis. i crave something i don’t even understand, something i’ve never had; something maybe i’m not built for.

what if i’m just a highly logical person whose emotional receptors are set to factory default? i analyze behavior, assess compatibility, evaluate risk like a f***ing machine. my brain’s running algorithms and everyone else is writing poetry. i’m sick of pretending like i get it. i want to scream when people say “you’ll find the one” like it’s inevitable. what if i don’t? what if i’m fundamentally incompatible with love? am i supposed to just keep watching everyone else play house while i sit in the audience? 🫠 i want to love, i want to feel, but i can’t fake intimacy, i can’t invent desire; i don’t even know what i’m missing. so yeah—how the hell do you love someone?

lately, it’s like i’m walking around in my own body but everything feels off. like im not really here, like someone swapped out the real me and left this weird, tired, distant version behind. i still do all the same things—wake up, go to work, see people, even laugh at jokes—but none of it feels right. there’s this weird fog in my head, and even when im smiling, it doesn’t feel real. i keep thinking back to how i used to be. more energetic, more excited, more… alive, i guess. but now? now i just go through the motions and hope no one notices how weird everything feels inside. it’s like my brain is on autopilot and i’m just watching. and what’s worse is i can’t even explain it properly when someone asks what’s wrong? cuz i don’t know. i don’t know when it started, or why, or what triggered it. all i know is that i don’t feel like myself anymore—and that terrifies me.

some days are worse than others. sometimes i wake up and for a second i feel okay, like maybe today’s the day it breaks and i’ll feel normal again. but then something small happens—like i forget something stupid or someone says something in a tone that hits wrong—and boom, it’s back. the emptiness, the disconnection. i try to force myself to do the things i used to love. music, movies, friends, even food. but they don’t hit the same. i keep waiting to feel something spark again, something that says “yes, this is you,” but it just… doesn’t come. nd the more i try to force it, the more fake i feel. like i’m pretending to be okay because im supposed to be okay. i mean, nothing major is happening, i have a roof, a job, people around me. but still, this weight sits on me like i’m broken in a way no one else can see.

i thought maybe it was stress. maybe burnout or something. or maybe it’s just one of those phases people go through when they’re figuring stuff out. but it’s been weeks now, maybe even months, and i still don’t feel right. i’ve started pulling away from people cuz i don’t know how to be around them when i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i cancel plans or show up and zone out the whole time. nd it’s not that i don’t love my friends, i do. but i feel like im watching myself from the outside, doing and saying what i’m supposed to, while inside i’m just numb. or sad. or tired. or all of it. nd it makes me feel guilty too. like i’m wasting time, ruining things, making people worry when i don’t even have a good reason. so i just say i’m fine, just tired, hoping no one digs deeper, cuz i wouldn’t even know what to tell them if they did.

i just want to feel like me again. i want to wake up and not feel like i’m bracing for something i can’t even name. i want to look in the mirror and recognize what’s behind my eyes, not this dull, distant look that doesn’t match the person i remember being. i miss that version of me—the one who laughed loud without forcing it, who got excited over small things, who didn’t feel so... out of place in her own life. i don’t know how to get back there. or if i even can. but i’m trying. slowly. some days, just getting out of bed feels like progress. and maybe that’s all i can do right now. keep trying, keep showing up, even if i feel like a ghost of myself. cuz somewhere deep down, i know i’m still here. i have to believe that. even if i don’t feel like myself right now... maybe, someday, i will again.

Asked out my friend and well got rejected not mad or sad kinda expected it but honestly the issue comes with me idk how to explain i hate my self yeah and i want to better my self but i never had real friends or a fun childhood i dont have any talents or niches but everyone around me does i feel talentless and well idk and well when i hang with my friends i dont connect or even in the friend group i pretend i play a role like in a play and the moment i fufill it i dissapear like they know im their but im not ya know its weird and i soe d money just to hang cuz well no one invites me to things and when people invite me its weird im starting to see the world through a lens of friendship can be bought because i have to invite to hang and spend money and i even spend money on them because i dont want them to leave i feel more comfortable in being used because well no one ever does the same for me invites me or just does it just cause idk i just feel like everything can be bought now if you have money and i dont mind being used if they stay friendship has officially kinda become dead now to me same thing with relationships idk kinda weird i guess i just hope they still need me i want to have real friends one day if thats even possible same thing for love if not ill just go on one time use all my money and just end it i guess just one day where i go out either a bang idk when i think about i just feel happy when i think about it i kinda cNt wait for that day mabye its just self sabotage oh well what can i do about it

Hello guys. I like someone in my school. Actually, I love him. I'll refer to him as Gold, since he would wear a gold chain with his rapper costume every year on Halloween. He has the cutest chubby cheeks, the sweetest smile, and is generally super attractive in my eyes. Gold has been my family friend since preschool and I only really started liking him during late 7th grade. To the few people I told, they judged me for liking him. He 100% does not like me back because my facial acne is way too bad and I am ugly. If that wasn't bad enough, he has a girlfriend now and I don't know what to do. I can't get over Gold, no matter how hard I try.

I'm questioning my worthiness for this position. The thought keeps surfacing that my appointment might have been due to a lack of preferred internal connections for others. What am I supposed to make of these feelings?"

Recently, my mother moved into a new home, but little did we know that she would be neighbors with quite a difficult individual, whom I'll refer to as Karen. During the initial days of my mom settling in, she went out to restock her pantry, leaving my best friend and me to handle the task of moving her furniture. We shared the driveway with Karen, and while offloading the furniture, we apparently ruffled her feathers.

Karen approached us almost immediately, questioning whether we had permission to be there. My friend and I were baffled, assuming she was pulling our leg. However, after confirming that my mother had indeed purchased the house, Karen launched into a tirade about how our truck was tarnishing the newly paved driveway with mud.

Weeks later, Karen's husband, who seemed rather amiable compared to her, came over asking for financial and physical help to build a fence between the properties. Although tight on finances, my mom agreed to contribute when possible, and I volunteered to assist with labor.

The situation escalated when my band and I decided to practice in my mom's garage. Despite it being a long weekend evening, Karen complained about the noise disturbing her children around 8 p.m. We tried compromising that we'd lower the volume in an hour, but she insisted on an abrupt end. Resigned, we closed the garage door in her face and continued as initially planned.

Every social gathering at our house seemed to provoke a police visit, courtesy of Karen. However, the officers often left apologizing for the disturbance, acknowledging that we were not at fault.

The climax of tensions occurred following my grandmother's funeral. The entire community was mourning, and many gathered at my mom's to commemorate her life. Of course, Karen deemed this an inconvenience, fixating on her blocked driveway the following morning. In the throar of grief and frustration, I confronted her, leading to a heated exchange urging her to leave our property.

Honestly, if this drama unfolded on a reality TV show, I bet viewers would be glued to their screens, picking sides, and likely cheering when we finally stood up against Karen’s incessant complaints. It would make one wonder whether sympathy for our situation would be universal, or if some would applaud Karen's strict adherence to rules.

And you, what do you think about the situation?

After five years of marriage, at 29, I've hit a wall. I love my husband deeply, and I believe he loves me too, but there's a creeping doubt that's hard to shake off—sexual incompatibility...

It's like an elephant in the room, lurking silently while casting an awkward shadow over our relationship. Our chemistry was undeniable when we first met; we'd tumble into bed, laughter echoing around us. But lately, things have changed. Is it normal for passion to dwindle so dramatically with passage of time? Many couples navigate shifting dynamics over time, but our situation seems different—stuck, stagnant. I can't help but wonder if the spark is gone for good or if it's just buried under life's daily grind. I googled "sexual incompatibility in marriage" and stumbled upon countless forums filled with people sharing their stories—similar yet personal experiences adorned with intimate details and advice. It was both reassuring and worrying. "Sex is not the only important part of a marriage," they say, and sure, true; but intimacy feels foundational, doesn't it? It's that unexplainable bond, and when it's missing, it's like there's a hole in the fabric of our marriage. Now, conversations have shifted from "I want you" to "I care about you," which, while sweet, lacks the fervor it once did. Often, I find myself absorbed in blogs discussing topics like libido mismatch, emotional connection, and attachment styles. The jargon is daunting but sheds light on our predicament—my higher libido struggles against his lower desire; a classic case of desire discrepancy. I've tried discussing this with him but broaching the subject feels like dancing on a tightrope, precarious and tense. Is it too much to ask for mutual attraction in a partnership? Or am I being unrealistic in my expectations? It's hard to dismiss the nagging feeling that perhaps he's no longer sexually attracted to me, even though he insists otherwise.

The emotional side of me wants to believe him, but the factual observations paint a different picture. The intimacy we once shared feels like a memory fading away into the archives of our early days. In an article, I read that long-term relationships naturally evolve into comfortable cohabitation, where physical intimacy isn't the pinnacle of the relationship anymore. But shouldn't there be some semblance of desire still? I’m constantly battling with these cerebral narratives—my mind a restless, questioning space. We’re trying to rediscover that physical connection through couple’s activities, date nights, and the occasional weekend getaway. Still, the rhythmic path from date to full-on making out seems to be missing. Every intimacy expert lists "communication" as the pinnacle of resolving sexual disinterest, yet every attempt at initiating these conversations seems to erect another barrier between us. There’s this gap, sparse as it’s growing but for how long? And on the other side are murmurs of questions and whispers of longing. It’s common to hear about the "seven-year itch," yet, here it’s an early symptom; maybe it's a phase, but how long until it becomes chronic? People change, circumstances evolve, but is this sexual standstill a temporary halt or the new normal? Our marriage wasn't purely based on sex, but I won't deny the substantial role it played in keeping the relationship vibrant and lively.

Do I settle into this newfound normalcy of companionship void of fervor, or do I strive to rekindle the flame we had? That question begets more questions, not answers. I even came across a study emphasizing that many marriages survive and thrive on shared goals, emotional bonds, and friendship. I take solace in these sentiments, yet is surviving the same as thriving? We tick many 'marital compatibility' boxes: shared values, understanding, mutual respect; yet this one unchecked box feels glaringly deficient. Sometimes, I mull over solutions—professional counseling, self-help books, rekindling personal hobbies to divert the mind. Yet, nothing offers a concrete answer, just wisps of temporary relief. Should I accept this compatibility hiccup as part of our "till death do us part" package, or strive tirelessly for change? Every now and then, I drop suggestions of change like seeds, hoping they’ll take root in our reality. Still, the ground feels resistant, the air too dry for them to grow. In this scenario, is patience love's true test, or is proactive effort the remedy? It's a conundrum—two possible paths, but one uncertain outcome. In my quiet moments, I wonder, "Am I the only one who feels this disconnect? Or is it mutual silence extending beyond words?" Should we dive deeper into the exploration of non-sexual intimacy as an alternate course, preserving the essence of our relationship through shared dreams, laughter, and camaraderie? If this is the more conducive path to navigate, how do we begin? Despite the battle within, I know and feel there’s still genuine affection and a craving for a shared future....

I am lost, help me guys...

I'm in my early 30s and since turning 30 I've been discovering myself again. I was in a 7 year relationship with a man for most of my 20s and I was also miserable and depressed most of my 20s. Just before turning 30, I finally seeked help for my mental health issues after the relationship ended and I realized I couldn't push my feelings down anymore. After some time I got help and got on antidepressants and got better. Before fully getting better I got into a situationship with a then coworker, who fell pretty intensely in love with me (according to him). I felt strongly too at the very start, he seemed really cool and all but as I got better mentally, I realized our personalities don't match. My depressed self liked him but my authentic self grew uncomfortable with him. He also pressured me into professing my love for him (like my ex did). Not long after that I kind of just broke it off with him, because I knew he was bad for me and I just wasn't satisfied. I wasn't working with him anymore, since I quit my job to study. I finally was all alone and I've been single like that for about 2 years.

I have almost no interest in relationship with men and I've actually started exploring the possibility of dating women. Tbh I haven't really thought about a proper relationship with women either but I've had some female crushes recently. I feel as though I'm coming into my full identity but am still hesitant to "come out" very publicly, which also means I don't use dating apps (I'm also very weirded out by them). I've always been pretty idk "queer" I guess, I had an online girlfriend as a teenager but it kind of freaked me out so it didn't last. But I've always felt some attraction to women. And I wouldn't deny it if someone asked, but I also havent really defined my sexuality nor professed it to anyone. Here is a good moment to mention that I am from a Nordic country, our culture is very repressed overall and I'm a very awkward and somewhat of a shy person. People would definitely call me weird and quiet. I currenty work at a place that houses young adults with mental disabilities, as a counselor of sorts. Last summer there was summer worker, a woman I found very attractive but she was so young and left after that summer.

There's also another coworker woman I've been I'd say... interested in for about a year. She's like a "permanent worker" idk how to else say that but she's like a regular, not a seasonal worker or a temp like me. Last year we didn't really have the same shifts and I very rarely even saw her at work. But the times I saw her, she left an impression on me since she's kind of a tomboy and seemed like a really cool person. She seemed different I'd say, and I have always been attracted to people who are different (even platonically). Finally, this year I decided to start doing more night shifts and I ended up on the same shift with her. It was an unconventional night shift also, because it was just the two of us there. There's usually 3 night workers doing rounds but one of our residents was in hospital, so the third night shifter was there. We talked a lot that night, I could see her getting more comfortable with me, since she usually never held eye contact for very long and seemed somewhat anxious before. I suddenly felt very brave and I held a conversation not to mention I asked a lot of questions. I felt I could really be good friends or even more with this person. After that shift I saw her occasionally at the start of her shift and the end of mine, as she does more nights and I do evening shifts. I was (and still am) always excited to see her and disappointed if I didn't get a chance to talk to her. Her eye contact got a lot better and she seems more attentive to me, as if she realized I exist after that shared night shift. I am actually really baffled how intense I am with her, since I'm usually very awkward and don't like eye contact with anyone. But her, I just stare whenever I get the chance.

This newly found confidence really came out this week, as I was finally again on the same night shift with her and another coworker. I can't even tell you how excited I was about these night shifts, even though last time we had more time together. But this time I came on pretty hard, even surprising myself. I think I might've gotten this courage from the fact that at the start of the shift we were talking, all three of us night shifters, and somehow got into talking about birth defects caused by acne meds and how women have to be on birth control to get the pills. She mentioned something about "having sex that you can't even get pregnant from" and I of course agreed with her sentiment on the matter. After that I just found every excuse to talk to her, to compliment her, to just be in her presence. I completely surprised myself and even felt kind of... proud? I ALMOST called her cute for getting so excited about a football match. She was watching some womens football in our tv room and I went out of my way totally awkwardly go there to be near her. I don't like sports at all but I made an effort to be interested and ask her questions about the game. I even at some point mentioned how the women playing are pretty. She was quite eager to tell me about football and I thought it was endearing.

I really made an effort to be interested in whatever she did or said. I even got a couple of chances to get really close to her and I just can't even... I really don't even recognize myself since I've always been the most awkward person ever. I'm not good socially, I'm weird and aloof and I never make the first step in social situations. This is so weird cause I know I'm really attracted to her, but I'm not afraid of her, like I've been of other women and men even. Am I just crazy, or do I feel some type of energy between us that allows me to be like this with her? I wish I could just... see her outside of work or something. There's a small chance of a get together that's being planned for August, where some people from work wanna just rent out a place and basically get drunk together. She signed up for it, and so did I because I saw her name. But idk if that will even materialize, or if I'll even be working there by the time this get together happens. Although if my work doesn't continue, I'd have nothing to lose if I just asked her out.

I also just found out that she is in fact 10 years older than me. I already suspected she's maybe late 30s or early 40s. She's very youthful tho, and I don't feel like we're really that out of sync, even with such an age gap. Oh boy idk, this is messing me up quite a bit and I'm feeling like some crazy person when I'm comparing our work schedules to know when I might have a chance to catch a glimpse of her. I don't really feel comfortable talking about this to my bestie, and I don't have anyone else to tell. I just have to vent somewhere. Also, heck, should I be worried that I keep crushing on coworkers?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my family and my own dreams lately. I’m 20 now, and I’ve realized I’ve spent most of my life trying to balance my parents’ expectations with my own aspirations.

My parents are very traditional. They value education above almost everything, and they believe in following a strict path. My older brother and sister both got to study abroad—they followed the “dream” my parents set for them. And me? I’ve always wanted to go to Japan and pursue my dream of being a chef. I told them about it since I was in grade 6. I thought they would prepare something for me, support me in some way—but nothing happened. I had to find my own path.

Even when I finally found a school in Laos that could teach Japanese and arrange work in Japan, my health got in the way, so I had to drop out. I also struggled with my mental health because of the constant pressure to succeed the way my parents imagined. Every time I try to explain my situation, they either don’t listen or insist I follow the “plan” they think is right.

Growing up, I’ve realized that the real stress in my life doesn’t come from small things like playing games—it comes from the constant pressure and expectations from my family. People say “you play too many games, you’ll go crazy,” but honestly, I think I’d lose my mind more from their pressure than from Minecraft or Discord.

I use games and online communities as my safe space—a place to relax, talk to people my age who understand what I’m going through, and just feel a little free. It’s not about escaping reality; it’s about staying sane in a world that feels very controlling at times.

Sometimes I feel like my emotions about my family are fading, and maybe that’s a kind of survival. I just want to live my own life, follow my dreams, and open my own restaurant. Why is it so hard for my parents to let me make my own choices—even when they see my potential?

Penalty: The constant pressure isn’t just emotional—it’s practical too. My parents expect me to handle tasks at home all the time. Even my partner gets involved in helping my family, but the burden mostly falls on me. My mother says things like “you have to do your duty,” or assumes I’m available whenever needed, while she herself doesn’t step in. Recently, she asked my partner to serve my older brother, while I was exhausted from work. I couldn’t rest. Moments like these make me feel used, and they wear down my mental energy.

Original Mansion: I think about how unbalanced it all is. My family only helps when I’m not home. My father, for example, told me to study late at night—he wants me to push myself even when I’m tired. Coming home never means someone else will lighten my load. It’s always on me. I can see the pattern clearly: love in my family exists, but it’s conditional and mixed with strict expectations. The words “we all help” are just words—they don’t match reality.

I’m sharing this not to blame anyone, but just to put my thoughts out there. Maybe someone reading this will relate—or at least understand that sometimes, love isn’t the same as freedom, and growing up means learning to protect your own mind and dreams.