Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Do you ever feel like really, really sad when thinking about your childhood friends? Like as if they were actually gone forever? Like gone gone? Because yeah, they're still here, i Guess. But I miss when they were small and their biggest Flex was a well taken care of cat. I miss when i was always at their house and we would play with mud and try to cook instead of doing homework. I miss when were together so much that people thought we were related and they didn't look at me with disgust. It really hurts to look back now, when i told them i was worried we were growing apart and realizing i was right. It wasn't even a sudden thing either. I could feel and see that my friends were slowly leaving me. And i know It was inevitable but i miss when they were small and nice and friendly and openly kind. I miss my friends. And It hurts to know that i'll never have that kind of connections again.

whywhywhywhy

they hurt me but I don't know if its worth it to hold on to the anger. I don't really need to hate them anymore. so what do I do.

Today, after days and years of unknowingly dealing with the worst yet the most trusted people in my life, I've decided once again to just let go of my attachments towards them. I don't know, I wouldn't want to call them my parents anymore but I guess this is almost a small letter to them. I will not say sorry, because everything happened, not because of me but because of them carelessly making me. I may have grown into a "bad" person but I belive I've had enough. Because of this, I don't know how I'll ever get to go to college. Eitherway, I will try to learn making a business, maybe through digital products. If all else fails, I'll just either become a nun or convert to Buddhism and become a monk. I may not be heavily religious but I do believe in spirituality..does that make sense? To me, a God does exist, but it all jsut depends on us on how we view them, whether they be many or just 1. Sorry for yapping but these are my thoughts right now in living. Seriously. My dream for getting a "great" and "amazing" education is over. It was never my first dream so I guess it's been short lived. Instead, I can finally have chances to actually try other risky jobs..like journalism..the arts.. Film..all expensive if I had to take courses in uni for them but if all I can definitely jsut into any of these fields and still survive. Wow.. Life can take you anywhere, and I'm afraid I might even become dirt poor if I'm not too careful.

today I just saw in silence for about 25 minutes just tearing into myself about how I'm falling behind and I can't do anything right I just feel so stuck. and the weird part is I don't like being in silence I find it a little creepy and when I finally snapped out of it I just looked at myself in the mirror and started taking apart my body and when I wake up in the morning I just have to get up and act like everything's fine nothing's fine anymore I think I'm starting to really hate myself I really hate myself.

Melody (13 f)

i don’t even kno when it got this bad. maybe it was always like this, and i just never really noticed. or maybe it happned so slow that i didn’t even see it comin, like a room gettin darker when the sun sets—you don’t realize how bad it is until ur just sittin there, completely in the dark. but here i am, and the truth is i have no one to talk to. no family, no friends, no one who actually cares whts goin on in my head. i wake up, go to work, do wht i have to do, come home, and thats it. days blend together, weeks go by, and i cant even remember the last time someone asked me how i was doin and actually ment it. at work, it’s just small talk, the same fake smiles, the same empty convos about the weather, weekend plans i dont have, and tv shows i pretend to watch just to have somthing to say. and honestly? i don’t even think they’d notice if i stopped showin up. they’d just replace me, move on, forget i was ever there. that’s the worst part—knowing that i could disappear, and it wouldn’t change a damn thing.

i keep tellin myself to fix it, to reach out, to try harder, but it’s exausting. every time i even think about talkin to someone, my brain convinces me it’s a bad idea. they dont really care. they’ll just think ur pathetic. what do u even have to say that matters? and so, i say nuthing. i sit in silence, drownin in my own thoughts, lettin them eat me alive bc, really, what else am i supposed to do? and the crazy part is, i see people every day. i work around them, i pass them in the street, i hear them laughing in restaurants, talkin on the phone, making plans, livin life. but it’s like i’m on the outside of it all, watchin through glass, completely invisible. i wanna say something, to matter to someone, but i wouldnt even kno where to start. nd after a while, u just stop trying. u stop hoping. u stop expectin anyone to care. and maybe that’s the real problem—not that i have no one to talk to, but that i’ve stopped belivin that will ever change. maybe i already gave up. maybe i never had a chance.

Huuuge vent/dump of thoughts

So it's the 9 of August. Currently 5:30 am. I can't sleep. Yesterday, i was a bit stumped on what do all morning. Then by lunch she was mad at me. Which was fair cause i didn't do the dishes. And she was mad that I 'have fun cooking' and then don't do the dishes. Which she's right on, even though i barely cooked recently and the only dishes i used were the ones we used to eat. Also the times where i do wash them, somehow she just doesn't notice ig? Cause she still says i haven't done in months, like the day after. But idk maybe doesn't count. She's like that with a lot of other stuff, like sweeping the floor for example, which i have done like 6 or 7 times in last few weeks, specifically because She asked and said she wanted to mop the floors. And she still hasn't done though? She's only done it in a very small spot because It was necessary, but then got mad when i skipped a room last time. It's not a big deal but still weird. Anyway today She was mad about me. And usually i just kinda hide untill It passes and today i did the same, i Just kinda hid in the bathroom as long as possible untill i couldn't anymore cause i had to cook and even after that I was staring at my phone and just trying to get through lunch as fast as possible to go back in my room. And i wasn't really looking at her cause i didn't want her to get mad again. And then she was asking for sugar and water and basically she felt bad. Maybe low Sugar/low Blood pressure. She said It was probably bc she eat little sugar. Which yeah. That's why since SHE IS THE ONE CONCIOUSLY CHOOSING TO EAT LOW SUGAR AND TO EAT HALF ASSED MEALS ALL THE TIME cause:

1)She doesn't like cooking and usually puts no effort in It.

2) She's been self concious lately, more than usual, and has been obsessed with dieting and losing weight etc. She's always has been since i was a kid and pushed that stuff since i can remember. ( I was 5/6 when she'd make me watch TV shows about overweight people who were on the verge of dying, and She used to say i'd be like them one day and die young.) But lately It's her new obsession.

Which. All in all. Both points are Fair. Do what you want. Even though, clearly there's a flaw in your judment if you feel this bad. (For referece It's even the first time and i told her multiple times to eat more sugar, i've tried even packing her lunch when she went to work and i to school, but sometimes she "didn't see It". I honestly It woundn't have been as much of a problem for now that we're at home more often, but whatever. That aside. After she felt better she went on about how i didn't even notice and was just staring at my phone (which i was because I Just wanted to leave and feel safe in my bedroom.) and that I need to "wake up". Basically she thinks i'm dumb. Which, sure, she's not off the mark right there. And Just all of that has been on my head all day. And there's just this huge feeling of painfull dread like under my rib cage that i can't shake off. I didn't really do much after that. I made some drawing which i am quite happy with + made dinner. And i've just been really stuck on the fact that i simply can't do this quite right. I should've noticed. And just in general should be Better. Idk what's wrong with me that i can't just be "good". I've tried and i'm trying but i'm just so stupid and i mess It up. Or Maybe i Just can't change the fact that i'm bad and this point less cause i'll always be a bad person. Sometimes i think i'm improving. And i think i am doing good and Better. But i'm not. I'm really not. And It just kinda feels like all my attempts at being better are fake, like three half decent ideas in thrench coat trying to make me pass as a good person when i'm not. And they're doing a terrible job by the way. I'm doing a terrible job. I should be better. Today i should've noticed. I should be preparing for September. Idk studying things I was behind on last year. Learning how to wake up sooner. Or Better yet, not let my grades slip for the past two years. Or not messing up every time i've been trying to be better for the past five years. Any would've been good. Honestly, i'm Just so tired of being bad. Sometimes i wish i wasn't here, so her life could be better and easier and i wouldn't hurt her. Other times i wish i was alone. Like really really alone, Not Just feeling alone. So at least i could be horrible alone and not hurt others and do things badly at my pace.

growing up, I always had this invisible wall between me and my mother. it felt like we were living in parallel universes, occasionally crossing paths but never truly connecting. whenever she tried to engage in conversations, I'd nod politely, but inside, I was rolling my eyes. like, can we skip the small talk? all that lecturing about grades, friends, and future plans just seemed so repetitive and unnecessary. I honestly don’t get where she’s coming from. it’s like she has this idea of who I should be, and I’m just not that guy. making stupid comments about my interests, questioning my music choices, or telling me what I should wear feels like she’s trying to control a life that’s not hers to dictate. sometimes, I wonder if she realizes how much her opinions push me away. does she think I’ll suddenly become the person she envisions if she keeps nagging? honestly, I think it just makes me resent her more. 😒

I know being a parent is tough, and she has her struggles, but does that mean I have to put up with her constant nagging? sometimes I just want to scream, "I don't like you!" I don’t mean that in a harsh way, just in a way that describes how utterly frustrated I am. it feels like she judges everything I do, which honestly makes me feel trapped in a box I never asked to be in. when I try to express my thoughts, she brushes them off as teenage nonsense, which drives me up the wall. I mean, can’t we have a real discussion without her immediately shooting down my feelings? I’m just trying to figure things out, but it feels like she can’t see that. does she even realize how alienating her comments are? it’s exhausting. 😩 so, is it too much to ask for a little understanding and respect in our relationship?

(i posted a rant before this one called 'long distance sucks' and im here with another related to that)

just for over view- im in a long distance relationship with someone who i was best friends with for a year. hes amazing btw, hes so cool, i learn so much from him, hes smart, tall, handsome, incredible OH GOD I LOVE HIM A LOT! hes just so fucking perfect. he loves me the same, he helps me in anything i need (hes a year older), he tells me how much he loves me everyday, he tries his best to be the best version of him for me (hes already the bestest), he cares for me a lot, he tells me whats wrong and whats right. hes really fun, we have the same type of sense of humour so we joke around a lot of anything and about each other and dont get offended. i love him a lot- hes truly everything i ever need.

im a very sensitive person even though i show myself as strong. he knows how sensitive i am so he takes extra care of him and worries whenever im a little off. he comforts me. he tells me how amazing i am and how strong i am. he handles me like no other. in short he knows how to get me going during my breakdowns.

but idk if im being enough for him. idk if i really provide him the support he needs. i give me all! whenever hes sad or low or down about things i literally give my everything to make him feel good even with his "men are strong" approch. me being the extra sensitive one in this relationship makes me think that im never really enough for him when hes sad. i wrote him 7 pages, 2-3 paragraphs and delivered him my perfume, hair tie and a short letter. i just want him to be happy the way he makes me but i just think im falling less somewhere or maybe im just feeling this way because we are in long distance. i just love him so much that i know no end on letting him go and i fear that im not being a good girlfriend.

Friends with benefits destroyed me.

I know I'll be overly dramatic when I say this, but for me it's darkness. It's an addiction, really is. Addiction to something that's doomed to end.

I really poured my heart into her. I was so passionate with everything I said, crafting each sentence with beautiful care.

An hour ago I was sexting her, sending her my nudes, excited for what we had planned for tomorrow, and just a few minutes ago she said she wants to keep it just a friendship.

A part of my soul ripped from my chest just like that. I can't get my head straight, I am on the verge of tears but those assholes won't come out. My head is spinning, and hurting horrendously due to the lack of sleep caused by texting her late at night.

In an instant I went from being stupidly excited, to feeling my soul bleed. I was robbed of my well-being, and she DOESN'T EVEN REALISE, BY THE WAY... I really don't know what to tell her..

I know I did this to myself, I really shouldn't have cared about her that much given that it wasn't a relationship.. but i couldn't help it..

it's so fking hard to stop loving someone, I mean, how the hell do people even manage that, huh? I keep trying to put her out of my mind, erase her from my memories like she’s some software bug I can just uninstall; but it’s not that simple. every damn thing reminds me of her—the smell of cheap perfume on a bus seat, the laugh of some random chick on TikTok, the way a stupid barista smiles at me when she hands me my coffee—it’s all her, always her. I delete photos, block her everywhere, I even tossed her hoodie in the trash; but every time I close my eyes, I see her face like it’s burned into my brain. my therapist says to “accept the loss” and “move on,” but that’s a load of crap. moving on is a f*ing myth. love isn’t a switch you can flip, it’s like a damn virus infecting your whole system, and no amount of blocking or ignoring will make it stop hurting. I keep thinking maybe if I hook up with someone else, it’ll push her out of my head, but all it does is make me feel more empty. and do you ever wonder if you’re broken for feeling this way, like if you’re defective or stuck in some malfunctioning loop of code? it’s pathetic.

I’ve tried rationalizing the situation, using every mental trick I know to reprogram my thoughts, but none of it works. I sit there at night, mind racing like some overclocked processor, looping over every conversation, every fight, every “I love you” she ever whispered, and it’s like I’m trapped in a feedback loop of self-loathing and desperation. I know I should cut ties, reboot my life, and patch up the damn leaks in my emotional firewall, but it feels impossible. how do you purge someone from your mind when every piece of your soul is still clinging to the idea of them? and yeah, maybe I’m overthinking it, maybe I’m making it more complicated than it needs to be, but how do you simplify something so fing complex? the worst part is, even though I know she’s poison, even though I know she’s bad for me, I still crave her like some addict craving a fix. what kind of twisted logic is that? it’s like my own damn heart is working against me, sabotaging every attempt to break free. and you tell me, how do you stop loving someone who was your entire f***ing world?

I just wanted to get this off my chest and maybe hear someone's thoughts?

but I kinda have no friends so…

Well basically I fell hard for an anime boy, and I just can't get past the fact he doesn't exist and for some reason I felt like leaving my boyfriend (I'm confused as well???) it's even worse considering we've been together for 3 years now, and I feel quite "bad" (like something is wrong) about it but I don't feel any guilt or regret it at all

So yeah that's it I would like to hear your thoughts!

I was visiting my family for the weekend, and my great aunt was there too. It's been a while since I was last home, so everyone came to see me.

Aunt Molly said she had a special spiritual dream where a guardian angel told her about an old neighbor from her childhood. She checked with a few people and found out there really was such a neighbor back in the day. She claimed this was some sort of miracle.

I was smiling the whole time. She asked why I seemed skeptical. I told her I believed she dreamed it, but it was probably because the old memory was in her subconscious and resurfaced in her dream. It wasn't a supernatural miracle, just her brain doing its thing.

She got mad and told me I needed to repent and find God in my heart again. I didn’t respond to that. Later, my mother said I caused a stir in the family and that my comment hurt Aunt Molly. Now everyone is upset with me. Did I do something wrong?

Imagine if this happened on a reality show. The drama would be off the charts! People would be taking sides, and there'd be endless discussions about faith, dreams, and subconscious memories. How do you think the viewers would react to my comment?

this summer has sucked tremendously. my partner had just graduated with an associates degree from community college and got transferred to a wonderful bachelors+masters program with a half tuition scholarship. it seemed to be going great.

they needed a car, so we tried carvana. NEVER AGAIN. everything was smooth and painless up until actually getting the damn thing. delays and delays and delays, so we just cancelled. but they said that they couldn't refund A THOUSAND DOLLARS because it was a long-haul shipping fee. we had to dispute the charge and only just now got the all clear that theyre getting their money back.

next: moving out. they dont have a good home life. we've been dating 3 years and their parents still dont know i exist. luckily a few friends have an apartment in the city with a room available, so thats sorted. i cant go in to help them pack or move, so everything had to be moved over the course of weeks until the move in date, which SUCKED.

now for the worst. they signed up for on campus housing earlier in the year, not knowing what their living situation could look like. unbeknownst to us, this is LEGALLY BINDING. now theyre being charged an extra 20k a year for room and board that they won't use.

so we needed to send a release appeal, getting a letter from a third party verifying that they arent in a financial situation to pay for room and board. the bill is due TOMORROW and the appeal is still pending, they wont answer any calls or emails.

fuck it, they thought. tuition NEEDS to be paid for. lets apply for loans.

ALL. FUCKING. DENIED. even with my mom offering to cosign. what the fuck?

so now we're scrambling to find out if we can delay payment until the appeal is finalized, because jesus christ what are we supposed to do?

worst case, the appeal is denied and they simply cant pay for college and needs to drop out.

i dont know where to go from here. this is someone i deeply care for, it has been BRUTAL going through all this. ive been anxious, cant eat, lost weight. the uncertainty of whats next is killing me.

so, if my life was a sitcom, what would you think?

fucking hell

I kind of need academical advice but I don’t know who to ask. I’m currently studying microbiology and the way my country’s education system goes is like we have to study all 12 months and the breaks we get is like max 2 weeks. So I am not even able to look for internship opportunities because my classes starts at like 9am and ends at 6pm and my breaks are not even that long. I am at the end of my first year so I am a bit confused also a bit panicked. My university offers an internship project at the very end of our 4/5 year program but that’s after graduating and I did get one offer for research but it was handed over to senior students. I am very confused about what I should do? Is there any microbiology online internships? If so, is it a good idea to try them? If there are any microbiology students here then can you help me out please 😭

ok another vent about being trans yahoo.

my mom is like incredibly homophobic + transphobic + racist etc, but the thing is I love her to the moon and back, but at the same time I want to be able to medically transition. and at this point I just don't know anymore. Ive lived my life craving her approval, and I cant stand to see her disappointed in me. transitioning calls out to me, but so does my family.