Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Heyah👋🏻😄!!

I'm headed to Lake Havasu soon, and I know nothing about that place other than my cousins live there🏡. And I guess I also know that there isn't an airport there🛬.

If there's anyone who's been there or lives their, could you send some recommendations on what to do there please🙇🏻‍♀️✨!!

And yes... I'm aware that I could ask my family, but they be busy people too, and I figured that if you had time to read this whole thing, then maybe you had a tiny bit of your time to share your thoughts and opinions on the place I mentioned😊🙏🏻✨?

Eat good food and drink lots of water guys😋👍🏻!!

No worries stalking me as long as you have a male phalange

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about self respect. I never used to think much about it—I guess I always assumed it was just about having confidence or standing up for yourself. But now, after what happened last week, I’m starting to realize it’s so much more than that.

It started at work. I’ve been at my job for three years now, and I’ve always been the “go-to” person whenever someone needs help. Whether it’s staying late to finish a project, covering for someone who’s out sick, or just being the one to solve last-minute emergencies, I’ve always said yes. I thought it was the right thing to do—showing I’m a team player, someone dependable. But honestly? It’s starting to feel like people take advantage of that.

Last Friday was the breaking point. I had plans to finally take a half day, something I hadn’t done in months. My best friend was visiting, and I was so excited to leave early and actually spend some time with her. But right before I was about to leave, my manager called me into her office. She asked me to stay late—again. There was a “crucial” report that needed finishing, and no one else could do it.

I should have said no. I should have told her I had plans and that I’d already done more than my fair share this week. But instead, I froze. I could feel the words forming in my head, but they wouldn’t come out. All I managed was a weak, “Okay, I guess I can.”

So there I was, sitting at my desk until 8 p.m., missing dinner with my friend, and feeling this sinking pit in my stomach. As I worked, all I could think was, Did I deserve this? Am I really just someone who always puts themselves last?

That night, when I got home, my friend could tell I was upset. I told her what happened, and she said something that stuck with me. “You know, it’s okay to say no. You’re allowed to respect your own time and your own needs. If you don’t, no one else will.”

She was right. I realized I had been saying yes to everyone else for so long that I’d forgotten how to say yes to myself. I’d let people pile work on me, let them assume I’d always be available, because I thought that was what being “nice” or “reliable” meant. But somewhere along the way, I lost my self respect.

It hit me hard because, deep down, I know I deserve better. I deserve to have boundaries, to value my own time and energy just as much as I value other people’s. But knowing that and actually acting on it are two different things. It’s scary to stand up for yourself, especially when you’re so used to putting everyone else first. What if they get mad? What if they think I’m selfish?

This week, I decided to try something different. When another coworker asked me to take on their workload because they were “too busy,” I took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t this time. I have my own deadlines to meet.” My heart was pounding as I said it, but you know what? They didn’t get mad. They just nodded and figured it out themselves. It was such a small moment, but it felt huge to me. For once, I chose to respect my own limits instead of pushing them aside for someone else.

I’m not saying I’ve got it all figured out. There are still moments where I catch myself falling back into old habits, saying yes when I really want to say no. But I’m learning that self respect isn’t about being perfect or getting it right all the time. It’s about recognizing your own worth and reminding yourself that you deserve kindness and consideration too—even from yourself.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re stuck in this cycle of putting others first at the expense of your own well-being, I get it. It’s hard to break out of that mindset, especially when you’ve been in it for so long. But trust me, it’s worth it. The more you respect yourself, the more others will respect you too.

I’m not sure where this journey will take me, but I know one thing for sure: I don’t want to feel like I did last Friday ever again. It’s time to start saying yes to myself. Because at the end of the day, self respect isn’t something anyone can give you—it’s something you have to choose for yourself.

I now believe that dream jobs are a waste of time. This is why I have thrown out being an astronomer, and graphic designer. I have dream jobs for a reason. Because I won’t actually pursue them. I won’t pursue them whether it’s because I dislike math and don’t want to work in a math heavy field or if I enjoy the product more than the process, and because it is a low percent chance I’ll actually achieve it in a period of the world where hard work doesn’t guarantee anything and most likely won’t get you what you want . if I were to consider people facing doubts and similar obstacles I can only understand how a few of them get their dream job. It’s better to not waste my time and existence on dream jobs and get a job I have a significantly higher chance of getting.

!vent!(it's kinda long, srryy)

Abt 3 years ago, I transferred schools. The first month was fine, I didn't really have any friends, but that was okay with me because I've always been shy and introverted. But the second month is when things took a turn for the worse. This really popular girl, who I never really paid any attention to, started picking on me for no reason. It's not that serious at first because she's just giving me looks and sneering subtle jabs at me... until she starts calling me slurs, pushing me and hitting me, fat-shaming me, and telling her inner circle of friends or whatever to bully me as well. It reached a climax when she and some of her friends ganged up on me and, uh, beat me. I'm a boy (kind of short for my grade, I'm 5'4, so they were able to get an advantage on me), however, so no one really believed me. Even when I showed the teachers the scratches, cuts, bruises, etc., all they did was email her parents. :/ At this point, I'm depressed (still am) and started not eating because her comments about my weight got to me (still do). I can't tell my parents because they have their own issues with themselves, each other, and at their jobs (we're not in a financially stable position, so I can't really change schools easily). About 5 months in(i think) and I'm at my lowest mentally and sometimes even physically as the popular girl would hit me with a variety of items. That's when he entered my life, he was also new and had moved from California, at first he would sit next to me at lunch and just silently eat next to me, then he would ask to partner up with me in school projects, and eventually we became friends. He would share his lunch with me if I forgot to pack mine or couldn't afford any school lunch, he let me come over to his house and tutor me for hours on his own time, always included (at first) me even when he gained new friends, and we had special nicknames for eachother that only we could use. He also defended me whenever the popular girl tried to bully me and her bullying became much less frequent. I love this guy and was scared to admit this to him because I'm also a guy and wasn't sure if he felt the same. This all changed the second year i think? he started becoming more distant, which was unnoticeable at first but then I spotted him with the popular girl. I felt betrayed because they were sitting next to eachother, at a secluded table, laughing and eating as if he hadn't witnessed her call me terrible names, punch me, and text me awful things. I was so freaking confused and confronted him about it. He shrugged it off and they became closer, and closer, and closer. Until, you guessed it, they announced they were dating. It got worst bc when she picked back up bullying me(sometimes i wonder if its even worse now) he's present for most of it and either stays silent or laughs/chuckles. I don't know what I did wrong. This is pretty much my everyday life now and I hate going back to school everyday. He won't even look at me without showing me the middle finger and laughing at me. I sit alone now and cry pretty much everyday bc I love him and I can't figure out what the fuck I did wrong. I've stopped eating again(sometimes for days at a time), I'm going comatose for most of the day, and my grades are dropping. I just want him back.

After I had finished making dinner, I left some dirty dishes in the sink to wash them after I was done eating dinner. While I was having dinner, one of my roomate's girlfriend entered the kitchen saw the dishes and washed them herself. When I saw the clean dishes, I felt kinda embarressed because I felt like she was lowkey forced to wash the dishes because I had left them there, making me look like a dirty lazy pig.

In order to show her my gratitude, I wanted to give my roomate (who had shared with me some snacks a few times) and her some grapes, becaue that was honestly the best I could give them. She was showering while I was preparing the grapes and putting them in the cutest cups I could find, and, when she came out the bathroom, I stopped her in the middle of the hallway. The problem is that she was not wearing her PJs like I thougt she would. Instead, she had a towel wrapped around her. So, the situation turned a bit awkward and, as a stupid being I am, I just stood there awkwardly and offered her the grapes. She told me (as politely as she could) that she didn't want them, but maybe her boyfriend did and then she started walking to their bedroom. I thought that she was going to ask her boyfriend if he wanted the grapes, so I followed her to the room, but she just closed the door once she reached there, making me look like a creep that had just followed her to the room while she was practically naked :)

Even though it was something really random and stupid, it made me feel very bad, but as the self-gaslighter I am, I told myslef to pretend that nothing happened. So, I just went back to the kitchen and kept the grapes, and then I went to the bathroom to wash my teeth. As I was washing my teeth, I heard their door opening, and after a few seconds of giving myself a pep talk I exited the bathroom because I thought that my roomate actually wanted the grapes like his girlfriend had told me, but there was no one there, leaving me quite confused. I also had to pee, so I entered the bathroom again. When I was done, another roomate told me that the other guy wanted to enter the bathroom, but since I was inside he turned around, but then I opened the door (cause I thought he wanted grapes), making him think I was done, so he directed himself to the bathroom again. However, I entered the bathroom again (cause I had to pee), pissing him off.

So, basically I had embarrassed twice in less than five minutes, when the only thing I wanted was to give those people grapes!!!! After thinking for a while, I think I'll be avoiding them for a while for my own sake lol.

so here i am, 28, a freelancer consultant in this big IT company where everybody seems older and way more experienced than me… or at least they think so. 😔 every time i walk into a meeting or even just show up at my little cubicle (which by the way feels like a prison cell), i can sense the vibe. they don’t say anything directly, but it’s all there in the way they look at me, the way they nod without really listening when i suggest something. it’s like i’m just some annoying intern who got in by mistake. i keep trying to show i know my stuff, i read all the documentation, i stay late, i help whenever someone’s stuck. and still, there’s this wall, this invisible thing between me and them. do you ever feel that too? like you’re screaming into a void and no one cares?

sometimes, i even think maybe it’s my age, like they see me as this little kid trying to play in the big league. i mean, yeah, i’m younger, but that doesn’t mean i don’t know what i’m doing. 😤 i’ve had my own projects, worked with clients who were a nightmare and still pulled through, and now i’m here, and it’s like all that doesn’t matter. just because i’m younger and not part of their inner circle, it’s like they decided i don’t deserve to be taken seriously. what’s up with that? does age really decide how much you should respect someone in a workplace? or is it just some old-school mentality that’s still floating around? i can’t tell, but it makes me feel invisible, and no matter how much i try to integrate myself, it’s like i’m hitting a brick wall.

i’ve tried everything to fit in. i laugh at their lame jokes, i bring coffee when no one asks, i stay quiet when they clearly dismiss my ideas just to avoid conflict. i even took up this project no one wanted because i thought maybe it would earn me some respect. nope, same cold shoulders, same fake smiles, same nods. sometimes, i just sit there in meetings, pretending to take notes while my mind’s screaming, “what’s the point?” do you ever feel like that? like you’re stuck in this loop where no matter what you do, you’re always seen as the outsider? it’s not even about wanting to be best friends with these people; i just want a little bit of appreciation, a simple “good job” or even a real conversation where they actually listen.

every time i try to talk to someone, it’s like they’re always too busy, too stressed, or just plain uninterested. i get it, we all have stuff going on, but come on, how hard is it to be a little human? i don’t even expect them to throw me a party or anything; just some basic respect would be nice. it’s funny how i’m the one supposed to coach them, and yet here i am, feeling like a little kid trying to prove i belong. 😂 i know it’s not all about feelings at work, but man, it’s hard to stay motivated when you’re constantly ignored. and it’s not like i can just quit, i need this gig, i need the experience, and i need the paycheck. but every day it’s getting harder to drag myself out of bed knowing i’ll just be another shadow in the office.

so here’s my little rant, not looking for sympathy or advice, just needed to let it out. maybe you’ve been there too, feeling unappreciated and stuck in a place where no one seems to care. maybe you’ve tried everything like me, and still ended up being the outsider. or maybe you’re lucky and you’ve never felt this way. either way, it’s just something i had to get off my chest. because honestly, if i don’t vent here, where else? thanks for reading if you made it this far. guess i’ll just keep pushing through, hoping someday someone will finally see me for who i am and what i bring to the table. 🤷‍♀️

For the past three years, I've had no contact with my mother due to several deep-seated issues between us. The situation escalated when I discovered she had misappropriated $15,000 from me and incurred over $45,000 in debts under my name using my social security number. Throughout my life, she was emotionally manipulative, and she even attempted to sabotage my relationship with my now-husband before our marriage. For these reasons, among others, I made the decision not to invite her to my destination wedding.

The wedding day arrived, and about an hour before the ceremony, my maid of honor informed me that my mother had unexpectedly appeared, having travelled all the way across the country to attend without an invitation. I asked my maid of honor to escort her to my bridal suite so I could speak with her privately. During our conversation, I firmly explained that she would need to leave or I would cause a scene and embarrass her in front of the entire family. Despite her tearful pleas and attempts to manipulate the conversation, she ultimately agreed to leave.

Following the ceremony, several relatives approached me, expressing their displeasure over my actions. They argued that I should have allowed her to stay, claiming that she only wanted to witness her first daughter's marriage. I knew better; her presence was merely an attempt to regain control over my life. Since then, her side of the family has bombarded my phone with messages declaring that my husband and I are in the wrong and demanding an apology from us.

If this tense and emotional scenario were to unfold on a reality show, I can only imagine the heightened drama and public opinion that would surround it. Cameras capturing every tear and harsh word would likely polarize viewers, some sympathizing with my need to protect my peace on my wedding day, and others vilifying me for rejecting a parent, regardless of our fraught history. The heated discussions it would provoke among the fanbase could very well dominate social media, with team hashtags and all sort of debates.

Am I really so unreasonable as my family claims?

idk whats wrong with me lately but its like everythin just feels heavy?? like i wake up n my chest is tight nd i dont wanna get outta bed. i just stare at the ceiling n think bout nothin but also everything at once. i used to wake up n feel kinda excited for the day but now its like...idk. empty i guess? my alarm goes off nd i feel this dread inside me like "oh great, here we go again". and i know i shouldnt feel this way cuz like nothin bad rlly happened but still its like my bodys fightin against me or sumthin.

when i go out with friends now, im not even rlly there. i try to laugh and joke but its like im watchin myself from the outside. like im pretendin to have fun when inside i just wanna go home n crawl under my blankets. and sometimes they notice n ask me whats wrong but i dont even know what to say?? cuz if i say "idk i just feel bad" they look at me weird n i feel stupid. so instead i say "im fine just tired" or sumthin but deep down i kno they kno its more than that. nd then i feel worse cuz im lyin to ppl i love but what else am i sposed to do? tell them my brain feels broken??

school feels impossible rn too. i sit in class n all the words the teacher says jus float past me like i cant grab onto em. my grades r slippin nd i kno it but its like i cant even care enough to fix it. ill sit at my desk to study n end up starin at the wall for hours. like time jus stops or sumthin. and then i get rlly mad at myself cuz i kno i should be better but i cant seem to make myself move. i just feel stuck. like theres glue holdin me in place n the harder i try to move the more stuck i get.

my mom tried to talk to me bout it yesterday. she noticed i was bein quiet nd stuff at dinner n asked me if sumthin was wrong. i wanted to tell her everything, how i feel lost nd sad nd tired all the time. but instead i just shrugged n said "nah im fine mom". she gave me that look she always does when she knows im lyin but she didnt push it. i think she wants me to talk but idk how to even start. what if she thinks im bein dramatic? what if she thinks its just some teenage thing n not real? cuz it feels pretty real to me.

idk what im sposed to do anymore. i jus kno that i dont feel good, not at all. like somethings missing from inside me n i cant find it. i jus want to feel normal again. not even happy, just normal. but rn that feels impossible, like im trapped in this fog that wont go away. i jus wanna wake up n breathe easy again, feel the sun without wishin i could stay in bed forever. i jus wanna be me again, but i dunno how to find her.

Last night, we had a family reunion and I was already kind of in a bad mood since my had taken a nap bc of a hang over she still have from last night (she's a bit of an alchoholic) and overslept which caused us to be late to the dinner. once we reached the place we sat down and she started getting a little drunk agaiin thanks to the alchohol served, she started saying things (as she does when she's drunk) about me; like this waiter who looked a little older than me an make a living while i'm over here always cooped up in my room all the time(huh i wonder why); she also made some unnecessary comments about my dress (i asked her for help prior to the diner but she told me she didn't know and waved me off), i get that this was drunk talk and i shouldn't take it seriously but when it comes from someone who conributed in creating you it kinda hurts a little y'know? and then she started comparing to my cousins(average parent protocol atp)

and then it was time for a family group photo. I don't like to take photos that often so i tend to just scoot to the very edge of the group, and unfortunatley i was next ot her. She grabbed my waist which kinda scared me and i shved her away and then she started pulling me harder andlike digging her nails and screaming at me and i just got really stressed out. she would usually like swing an arm around me and all duirng group ohotos but never grab me which was whwy i kinda reacted that way. I know that i should'nt have acted out (especially in public like that) but i ws just really stressed at the time.

and after that she wasn't done with me yet and continuedscreaming at me saying that "i'm you're mother i should be allowed to touch you" and i told her that she grabbed me and it hurt a lot and she kept on denying that (keep in mind she's still drunk) and then this continues (by then i havd already put my earphones in so i could't here much of her slander) and even after the reunion she's still fighting with me. she gets up all ino my face which pissed me off (by thenim tired and just want he to shut up becasue she's etremely drunk by now).

and she's still fighting with me untilwe get into the car, my dad leaves us for us to settle down while he go finds the other family members to help them find their car and she starts hitting me, and my little brother is caught in between and i just wanted to pull him outta there because he was clearly stressed from the noise and trying to settle it down and my mom was grabbing him and isolating him from me it really hurt. she slapped me and made me hit my head a lot but at that point i was kinda numb for physical pain. i gave my little brother my earphones so he would have something to at least dronw out the noise.

and the things that when we were fighting i would say smt like "why do you hit me so much?" and she would say "you hate me! you don't love me!", and when i was rrying to explain she was making me uncomfortable whenn she grabbed me and i dont know what kinda mental gymnastics did she have to do to get from that to "i'm a danger to you!" "cal the police and arrest me!" "I'm a horrible mother!" "you're not a part of this family if i'm dangerous to you!"

i apologised for acting out in public when i probably shoulve' just sucked it up as she said and what not since everytime we take a rgoup photo she slings her arm around me (thats probably th eonly time we touchaso yeah that probably just gave me a headachre worse than when she shoved me into the car window. the way she grabbed my brother probably hurt the most tbh, i vowed to myself that i'd protect him and keep him safe from my parents but i just made things os much worse for him. and even after when my dad came bac did she stop saying anything, but once we got back she only continued. she strated hitting me more and screaming and repeating everything and she tore down the rack filled of things i genuinely care about. by then my dad came up and told her to stop and brought her away. i huddled up in the corner i think and started idk, becoming two people, i needed to clean up the mess she made but i also just wanted to sit there and rest, but i cleaned anyways while my parents fought outside. i heard something along the lines of "just go to sleep" (it was 2am) and that was it for then. after i finished cleaning my mom came back and started to scream at me again and getting me up agaiinst the wall and blocking my way when i was trying to do things, she pulled the "im a terrible mother" card and shoved her phone in my face trying ot get me to cal the police, it made me sick tbh, i apolohised again for the same thing just in case she forgot but also asked for my own since she kinda did hit me and onvade my personal space but she just huffed and she went back to her room (this actually made her look kinda like a kid which was a little unsettling per say)

and in the next 15 minutes she came back again to contonue screaming. she kept on grabbing and clawwing at my shoulder and wasit and generally just taunting me to "call the police" as she kept on saying. it honesty just gavenme the headache.

i know that during all that i was being as calm as i could possibly, letting her scream at me and what not. i was prettys sure she was drunk so i started making light of the sitautions like singing random meme audious or just making my own jokes to myself like if she was sticking her finger into my face i would go "wait, they dont loveme like i love you" (keep in mind it was 3am at that point and i cant say i was thinking straight either)

and eventually it got so bad because she wouldn't let me walk or have my own personal spcae (that i really like) that i went down, with my laptop to study for a test i have where my dad was watching tv thinking my mom wqas asleep. he asked me why i was still awake and coming down and at that point i just kinda broke down, and he went up and told her to stop repeated and harrasing me and all that. i couldn't sleep but i didn't feel like thinking at all, i just wanted to lay on the floor and breathe. my parents were fighting till maybe 4? im not toos ure sincei put on my headphones so silence it out. so yeah thats pretty much it but theres a few things that i wanna say about this:

- wheneve i tried to say something she would interrupt or she wouldn't take a single thing i said to consideration and pull out her own version of what i said and reply to that instead (probably bc of the alchohol)

- she would follow me around and grab me and taunt me and putting her face/finger/phone in my face which i think has just given me major claustrophobia

- she pulled the "i fought with your dad for you to go to a good school" card a lot but whenever it was just me or my dad, he woul always make sure i had the things i needed for school and always wanted to know i was happy or not, she's been pulling this card since i was idk, 5? and now that i think about it, someone who was againts giivng me a good education wouldn't want to further contribute to that no? she also said that she had to fight for me to have my own room which was also weird, idk who to trust anymore because it's not llike i can jyst ask my dad. but if she's lying then i think that she probabl had some delirious dream that was so vivid she belived it was true or maybe my dad actually didn't want me to have a good education but that would be really weird, but then again maybe he still doesn't believe in it but has no choice since he's already given in.

someone please tell me if this is normal and that i'm just being dramatic and that my teenager hormones are acting up

One afternoon, after a long day at work, I returned home to find a message from my neighbor plastered on my door. It read, "Please refrain from parking on this street this Monday from 10am to 12pm due to a filming activity. The NYPD has been informed and parking restrictions will be enforced." This alert seemed a bit off to me, so I decided to check with the local police station. Upon inquiry, they confirmed that while my neighbor had indeed notified them about the filming, they had not authorized any parking enforcement or restrictions for that day.

The next day, another message from my neighbor appeared, this time amending his previous note: "Hello, it appears there was a misunderstanding regarding NYPD's involvement in the ticketing of cars. Nonetheless, I would really appreciate it if you could avoid parking here during the mentioned hours." His change in tone didn't sit well with me, particularly because of his initial threat of ticketing.

Choosing to stand my ground, I made no plans to move my car that Monday. Our neighborhood is generally calm and provides ample parking, which makes it a favorite for driving schools to conduct their lessons due to its tranquility.

On Monday morning, as I was heading out to catch the subway, I encountered the neighbor setting up his filming equipment. He inquired if I knew whose car was parked on the street and if it could be moved. I admitted mine was among them but declined to move it. He pleaded, saying it would help him greatly. I reminded him of his initially deceptive approach which had soured any willingness on my part to assist him. He persisted, but I refused again, leading him to label me as rude and an inconsiderate neighbor. I brushed off his comments and proceeded to the subway.

Imagining this scenario taking place on a reality show adds an intriguing layer. How would viewers react to such a confrontation broadcasted nationally? Reality show audiences often enjoy drama and conflict, so this situation could likely become a pivotal and much-discussed moment of an episode. Viewers might split into camps, some siding with the filmmaker for trying to pursue his project and others with the car owner standing up against what they perceived as initial bullying. The debates on social media platforms could be intense, examining the ethics of neighborhood cooperation versus personal rights.

So, am I just standing up for my rights or making too big a deal out of something small?

Have been feeling so overwhelmed, been feeling like life is a curse. I keep seeing my relatives be absolute pieces of shit, my parents going through the worst of things. On top of that I keep feeling like I am the one who is at fault for drifting apart from my childhood toxic friend, as I keep missing her, wishing that I didn’t do that, that I should have endured it.

God keeps making us go through these numerous horrible tests. It hurts me when I see my family, who has always tried to help others, getting betrayed and hurt by those same exact people. It hurts when I see people that I loved so dearly passing away. It hurts when I see that I never receive anything good despite trying my hardest and giving my all.

Life is a curse. I'm so tired of seeing me and my family continuously go through bad things. I hope one day my family will be happy again but I don’t think days like that will come ever again.

I’m 14- I’ll be 15 within the month, and I cant remember hardly anything of my childhood up until 14. I get that this is the time of edgy posting, with puberty and all that, no? But all I ask of you is to keep an open mind while you listen. I hope writing to you helps me recall.

But this has been bothering me in a way I can’t quite explain, an ache within me that tells me something is wrong. I feel like as a person, I only exist on the surface, an outer shell without a solid inner being. Or maybe it’s the other way around, like I’m buried in someone else? I don’t know where I am, but i’m not whole. I don’t know who I am, I do I know that’s still forming- normal at this age, but I feel like I was thrown into this body a year ago to pick up the pieces of someone who left without a trace. It’s so frustrating because WHERE DID THAT PERSON GO and why did they LEAVE me here. They’re not something I can prove, the only evidence I have of them is what people who knew them tell me.

But stay with me. The first time I felt awake or present as the me now was January 12th 2025, a MONTH ago, like I was shook from a daze. This might sound batshit insane to you, but remember what I’ve told you above. when my sibling made jest about part of my mother’s beating of me I didn’t even know took place, he asked, “You don’t remember?” I didn’t, but I *felt* it and was sure, like the flood the damn held crashed into me and swept me from my stagnant state. my heart began to race- head light and breath hard to find, panic, I needed to excuse myself. It took me days, but when I broke down, i finally felt like a breathing human again, for something I hardly think happened to me- like I recovered a piece of an otherwise blank slate (the beatings do not go on to this day, we have a good relationship). I journaled comprehensively about it. That was the first time I’ve felt connected to… something? I remember telling someone that I felt weird after that day, like a different person, that hasn’t gone away. But being able to remember something makes me realize how much I can’t remember, and that drives me insane. I try to remember why I still do things I do, what’s influences it, why I’m so anxious about people finding something out about me (that I don’t even know ?), so conscious about the words I use to formulate my thoughts, why they take so long for me to express, why I care about people, why I was too depressed to get out of bed a few months ago or to even hold friendships with people- and how all that just changed with a snap? That isn’t how it works. That’s what makes it even harder to trust myself as I am now. People ask me questions about myself, about an integral part of me, and I stare into space without finding a single answer. It makes me feel like I’m not real.

I’ve stumbled upon an old video of me today, one I had no recollection of, happily squealing in play with my family in our old apartment- and it sent me into a panic like the one before, it’s what got me to write this to you. There was nothing wrong with the content, but I’ve discovered it might be because I couldn’t identify that person as *me*, or seeing that apartment again paralyzed me with indescribable fear- and in tandem made me feel I was losing hold on myself again.

Enough of me. If you made it this far, I implore your perspective on the matter. How can I find what I’ve lost? Or center myself right again as this foreign person? Please leave your thoughts below if you have any- if you relate, or just wanna comment, I appreciate any of it.

Thank you -Anonymous scourge fan

I reside in a peaceful suburban community, and I've come upon a recurring issue with my neighbor’s guests using my driveway for parking without seeking permission first. Despite my gentle requests on multiple occasions, explaining the inconvenience it causes me as I need the space for my own car, the issue persists. They seem to disregard my appeals, continuing to occupy the driveway whenever they visit. Considering their lack of response, I’m thinking about installing a “No Parking” sign to curb this activity, although I'm wary this might strain the relationship with my neighbor further. To my dismay, my neighbor has responded quite negatively to my grievances, accusing me of making a mountain out of a molehill since it happens only sporadically and, according to them, isn't that bothersome.

The situation has become very frustrating, and it leads me to wonder what would happen if this scenario played out in a reality TV show. Would the audience side with me, or would they view my actions as over the top? Reality shows thrive on conflict, and this kind of neighborhood squabble could potentially spiral into a much larger drama, drawing opinions and reactions not only from the local community but also from a national audience. Depending on the show, producers might highlight my frustrations or perhaps paint me as the antagonist for causing a rift over something as seemingly trivial as a parking spot.

If this matter was featured in "Neighborhood Wars" or a similar reality show, it would be interesting to see the reaction of the audience. Would they sympathize with my need for personal space and order or accuse me of being petty? Reality shows have a way of magnifying problems, and the input from a host or mediator might offer new perspectives on resolving such disputes amicably, something I think could be actually useful back in my real-life situation.

Should I install a “No Parking” sign? Would love to know your thoughts on this...

I'm not religious. I've been atheist for years but going to church camp for the first time made me almost convert back to Christianity. Just for clarity, my friend asked me to go to camp and since I had never been, I agreed. During this time I started questioning my faith. Though many things were currently going on in my life and at one point I hit my breaking point, which I knew would happen sooner or later and I tried to kill myself. This is what I wrote a month after when remembering it.

Here I am, turning to whatever higher power there is and praying, begging, and on my knees breaking down, asking for salvation. All of my prayers have been met with silence, just like they were previously. My faith which I no longer claimed has betrayed me again. If he won't save me, I'll save myself. I'll bring myself deliverance from this wretched life.