Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Hi, I'm just turning 19 this year and finally making decent friends. Never really had friends so most things that happened in my childhood got deemed as 'normal' and pushed aside. until now. I was telling this one story to my friend about how my mom used to handle conflict between me and my sister and she told me it was basically abuse. I waved it off cause like in my mind my mom had done way worse then that so if the worst wasn't abuse how was this abuse? anyway I'll tell you all the story and see what you all think.

So it started with me and my sister. So me and my little sister are 6 years apart (im the oldest). My mom always forced us to play together even if we had completely different interests cause 'sisters play together'. whatever, we played together. But we'd always get into fights. so my mom came up with a new rule, anytime our arguments got out of hand and disturbed whatever she'd be doing we'd each need to pick a toy out of our separate favourite toy bins and throw them out. She'd make us throw them out while she watched then she'd burry whatever it was at the bottom of the garbage bag and tie off the bag and put it in the garage so we couldn't go dig it out later.

This went on for like 2 years. I was 7 when I remember it starting. it only ended when I was 9 cause I freaked out and in my mind I thought I upset my mom and that's why she stopped.

The last time she did it my sister and I were arguing and she was done with it. but instead of making us choose a toy she took away a huge bin of stuffed animals we had in the basement and said she was throwing the whole thing out that weekend. it was Tuesday. I only remember it was Tuesday cause I cried for three days straight. Only cause my favourite stuffed animal, a unicorn my great aunt gave me before she died, was in the bin.

I begged and cried for three days. three. told my mom I'd clean or do more chores or anything but she wouldn't budge. went to school crying, sat at home crying, even cried in bed cause at that time I slept with that unicorn overnight and now I didn't have it.

finally on Friday my mom randomly comes into my room, gives me the unicorn without a word and she never did the throw out rule again.

I didn't know why she stopped, I just guessed it didn't work how she wanted so she moved on to something new.

But my friend says this is really bad and I didnt' know. Like I genuinely thought this was normal and now im really confused and questioning my whole life???

Let me know what any of you think, I'm really hoping for some outside input here.

I’m 31, Male, single, no kids. I feel like im at the edge of bridge just waiting to jump. I’m so fucking angry all the time. I really hate the way my life has turned out. I’ve lost every ounce of happiness in my body.

I hate the way I feel I hate the way I live. I’m so tired of it.

I only feel depressed and angry with a short fuse all the time. I’m living with my grandparents and my mother, because my grandparents are in their 80s and my grandfather is going through stages of dementia. It’s sad to see and deal with. He constantly walks around the house looking lost. He can’t do much anymore but is still active (goes grocery shopping, the doctors). He gets confused about basic shit all the time, and we are constantly having to explain the same things over and over again. He’s always trying to do physical work but has 0 strength in his hands. I have to help him all the time, with everything. Now I’m not mad at him for asking for help. But I feel frustrated all the time because I’m trying to balance my life at the same time. I was long time alcoholic/addict. I haven’t drank in 5 years. But I quit smoking weed again about 3 weeks ago.

I’ve been in construction for 10 years and the last 5 have been a blessing and a fucking nightmare. I worked for a small shop, only 5-10 guys max and we have to do everything and we’ve had constant problems, whether it be the guys installing shit wrong and I’m fixing it. The project manager not ordering the correct materials, setting unrealistic goals like being at 2 or 3 different places in the same day to measure, install, make deliveries, all sorts of shit. And when he’s wrong, it’s not as simple as saying “hey this showed up, it’s not enough or this is the wrong part” no you have to build a whole case to PROVE he was wrong. We hit a rough patch the last 2 years because of a piss poor installer, that was their baby, he was stealing hours, installing shit wrong all the time. Never gave a fuck about anything. We fired him and then fired a superintendent that was an asshole to everyone. There have been only 4 guys in the field. And it’s been trying to play catch up, fixing all the problems, trying to take on new jobs, dealing with everything. It never stops and hasn’t. We are all burnt out big time. And it got bad enough to where me and another guy got laid off back in November, and there’s only our foreman and one leadman doing all the work. And the PM just takes time off whenever he wants. So shit isn’t and can’t get done.

I’m pissed off without a job and pissed off with one.

Into my personal life. I quit drinking, quit smoking. I don’t do shit anymore I used to skate when I was younger and go out frequently with my friends. I was only going to work and going home these last 5 years. Barely went on any vacation. And now I just feel so lonely and abandoned, none of my friends invite me to do anything anymore. Like for example my best friend hasn’t called me or anything in months, the last time he called he just wanted to use my truck to help him move into his new apartment, and same for my cousin, haven’t heard from him for months and just called to use my truck. And when I’ve called for help “busy”. Pieces of shit, they don’t remember years ago, when I used to drive them around everywhere, take them to work when they didn’t have a car, listen to all their hardships over the phone. Now when I really need it the most they are busy dealing with life. We fucking all are we all have problems. I’m just so angry at them now. My best friend chooses his Gen Z 20 year old co workers to hangout with. My cousin and his gf (known her for 25 years) is still best friends with my ex gf who was a cheater, mentally ill schizophrenic (not being a dick, she actually is) hooked on Xanax, accusing me of cheating all the time. Constant fighting, multiple 5150s, and just all sorts of shit. It was hell. And I still have dreams about her and it drives me crazy me nuts. When I got sober, I got counseling and therapy and talked about all of this. Why does it still haunt me almost 10 years later?

I feel so scared for my future and everything going on all at the same time. I have constant anxiety, depression and just anger. It makes me not want to do anything but just stay inside but that drives me nuts to. I walk my dog 5 miles everyday, I workout a few times a week. I try to cook all my food from scratch. I try to play video games. I just started reading books again. But it seems like nothing helps. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so fucking alone and so much stress and pressure. I wish I had friends again or gf but I really don’t want to experience anymore bullshit right now.

If this was a hard read for people I’m sorry, my mind is all over the place. I haven’t done anything about these feelings in years just being a man and dealing with it. I was just trying to put as many thoughts out there on paper to help alleviate this feeling. This is my first post idk how this site works yet. Im an open book, I’ll answer any questions you may have. Thanks for reading my jumbled mess.

I’m done with my life. The academic session began in April, and my exams are scheduled for the end of January. Right now, August is already halfway over—it’s the 20th today—and I feel like I’ve fallen far behind. Most of my classmates are ahead of me, while I struggle to understand anything in class. It feels as if I’ve been dropped into a higher grade where I don’t belong. Everything seems beyond my grasp.

It stings to see my peers following along with ease while I just sit there, staring at the blackboard in confusion. I was never like this before. For the first time in my life, I feel lost in class. This is 10th grade, and I feel trapped, unable to move forward, constantly pulled away by distractions.

My laptop, which should be helping me study, has become my biggest enemy. Social media, random motivational YouTube videos, anime content, Instagram scrolling, venting to strangers online for attention, even sleeping after school—these habits are dragging me down. I thought my relationship with a classmate was a distraction too, so I distanced myself from her. But even after cutting off contact, nothing changed. I can’t blame her anymore—this is my own battle.

I barely scraped through the first unit tests with poor grades, cramming the night before exams. If I’m honest, I haven’t properly finished a single chapter to the point where I could confidently answer questions from it. I’m still procrastinating every day. On top of that, I struggle with the habit of watching porn, which only makes me feel weaker and more paralyzed.

I know what’s happening to me, but I don’t act on it. It feels like I’m waiting for some dramatic “rock bottom” moment—like in movies where the main character suddenly rises to the top after hitting their lowest point. But in real life, that moment never comes. Time just keeps slipping away.

Part of me dreams of becoming the top student in class, but right now it feels more like a fantasy than a real possibility. Even if I somehow worked hard, gave my all, and fought through every distraction, I know people wouldn’t see the effort behind it. They’d assume I succeeded easily, because I’ve always been considered a “good student.” That’s why I sometimes feel the need to tell my classmates about my struggles, as if my poor marks in the first unit test are proof of where I really stand.

But the truth is, I’m still waiting for something outside of me to change my situation, even though I know nothing magical is going to happen. My parents keep scolding me and comparing me to others, which only makes me feel worse. I want to rise to the top of the class, but right now, it feels impossible.

Last evening, a group of us decided to check out a recently recommended eatery by one of our pals, Charlie. Honestly, I wasn't all that thrilled since I hadn't heard much about the place, but I figured at least I'd be spending time with my friends.

Upon arrival, I skimmed through the menu but nothing really caught my eye. Reluctantly, I settled for a small starter and a milkshake, while the others opted for heartier main courses. When our orders arrived, my choice turned out to be less than satisfying, but I went ahead and ate it since I was quite famished. On top of that, I found the pricing overly steep; the milkshake was tagged at $8 and the starter at $6, making my simple meal a whopping $14.

The ordeal began when it was time to pay the check, which was considerably high due to the lavish orders by the rest of the group. One buddy suggested we split the bill evenly, but that didn’t seem fair to me seeing that I had ordered significantly less. I voiced that I’d rather just pay for my order. While some friends were understanding, a few, including Charlie, thought I was complicating things. They argued an even split was simpler, whereas I felt it unjust to overpay for what I had consumed, especially given my discontent with the meal and choice of venue.

The discussion caused a bit of a holdup—about an additional 15 minutes as we figured out the bill since I needed to pay by card at the counter, and the place was bustling which further delayed the process. Some remarked that splitting evenly would have saved time, but in the end, I only paid my $14. This whole scenario left me questioning if I had acted selfishly. It might have been quicker to just divide the bill, but I didn’t see why I should cough up an extra $10 for essentially no reason. Does standing my ground make me unreasonable?

Imagining this scenario unfolding on a reality show adds an interesting layer. The tension and drama over the bill could have been amplified, displaying varied reactions under the pressure of cameras and an audience. It’s possible I would be portrayed as the antagonist for stirring conflict, or maybe as a sympathetic figure standing up for fairness in social settings. Reality shows thrive on these interpersonal dynamics, and the scene might have made for a compelling segment, sparking debates among viewers about social etiquette and fairness.

Was I wrong for wanting to only pay for what I ordered?

In my workplace, I stand out as the only individual who's not biologically male. My daily tasks involve unloading and arranging shipments efficiently. It's worth noting that the team did include other genders before, but the current group mainly joined a few months after my arrival.

Lately, tensions have been high, particularly due to the behavior of one of my colleagues who reacts poorly when things don't go his way. His reactions range from hurling boxes to disappearing for long stretches, leaving early, or blatantly refusing to assist when we're swamped—which is frequently a challenge given the volume of items for specific sections.

It seems this coworker, along with a few others, consistently exclude myself and another veteran team member from receiving help, something even our manager has noticed and discussed separately with us due to its impact on our output.

Over the last couple of weeks, these same colleagues have taken it upon themselves to critique my methods. Just last night, the situation escalated. I typically manage my designated area quite well solo if I begin during the loading process. However, due to a lack of staff, my tasks had to start post-unloading, requiring me, unfortunately, to work alongside the problematic colleague. He insists on a meticulous, resource-heavy approach, which I find unnecessarily slow. After expressing my disagreement and opting to continue with my usual method, he lingered briefly before disappearing once again.

During a break, a different colleague subtly broached the earlier dispute. After a light-hearted mishap with a box placement on my part, he questioned my teamwork spirit, eliciting a response from me that highlighted my unchanged work ethic and my year-long track record of successful collaborative work, which seemed stronger with previous teams.

His next question took me aback: "What if I became your boss?" I stressed that I would respect his authority just as I respect our current team lead—it was a matter of hierarchy rather than personal judgments. This conversation was partially overheard by our team lead, who agreed with my stance on respecting authority but didn’t delve deeper.

Despite this, the air amongst my teammates is thick with disapproval, leaving me puzzled, as I’ve never encountered such resistance with other groups or in earlier roles. It does make me question whether I'm somewhat at fault here.

Considering if this scenario unfolded on a reality TV show, the dynamics could indeed intensify. Viewers might be split, with some sympathizing with my adherence to efficiency and others perhaps siding with my colleagues who favor conformity and heavily coordinated teamwork. Reality TV thrives on such conflicts, and the added pressure and drama could definitely skew perceptions even further, turning a workplace dispute into a saga of alliances and rivalries.

Am I being unreasonable in this situation?

you know, at 50, one imagines life with a bit more zest. instead, i find myself clocking in to a job where i literally have nothing to do. "getting paid to do nothing" is, strangely enough, as dreary as it sounds. don't get me wrong, i appreciate the paycheck arriving steadily at my bank every two weeks like clockwork, but, man, can you believe the drag of it? when you're expected to produce, to innovate, you feel like a cog in a productive machine. but here, it’s like waiting for a bus that never comes, you know? a project deadline that's perpetually "in-progress," that’s my life now. i've got all the time in the world to binge-watch every show on Netflix or memorize entire catalogues of podcasts, yet—spoiler alert—it does not fill the void.

ever tried to detail your productivity in a team meeting, while knowing you have zilch to show? i sit there, nodding my head to folks discussing "quarterly KPIs" and "optimized strategies,” but inside i’m just hoping nobody asks for updates. a part of me thinks perhaps this is a lesson in patience or maybe even a karmic cycle from when i was overly busy and craved some downtime. irony, huh? sometimes i wonder if my situation is like one of those zen stories where when you seek nothing, you find everything. i mean, have you ever thought that maybe pointless tasks are just undiscovered forms of meditation? albeit ‘corporate zen’ sounds more plausible in theory, it doesn't feel entirely satisfying in practice. would love to hear if anyone else is dealing with workplace ennui. maybe trying to merge this twilight zone of nothingness with fulfilling activities outside work is the key. have any of y’all gotten out of a rut like this before? share some wisdom, would you?

I'm 15 and I'm feeling suicidal, the only reason I don't do it is because the few friends I have would be left traumatized and I don't want them to feel like shit because of me.

I hate my life, it's not bad per se, we're not poor but there's always something making me feel worse.

My dad gets angry at me for the littlest things and he's never helpful, he can't help in homework, doesn't do anything around the house other than cook. He gets angry like hell even only if I Huff around him that he'd say he'll slap me (he never did but it's still scary), my mom helps but she's overwhelmed, she's got work and me and my brother and then my dad because he cannot even do something that takes too much effort. I'm basically refraining myself from sharing opinions, saying what I really like or think or show anger when I get angry around him because anything could become a reason for me to get him angry.

He doesn't even fake to appreciate me, I get a good grade, well I was supposed to, there's no reason for me to even get a compliment, I get a bad grade and he shoves it in my face like it's fun that I did bad.

He's probably racist and homophobic, Ill never ever tell him my sexuality, and he keeps joking about me not being able to get a boyfriend otherwise he'll beat him up.

I cannot dress how I want, I'm not talking about miniskirts partying all night, I'm talking about not being able to wear simple alt clothing because he doesn't like it (he gets angry because of a choker, that doesn't even have weird shapes on it like satanist or something like that, it's just a heart in the middle).

I don't know what to do, I don't wanna keep going all this, all this shit just makes me worse and it feeds other insecurities I have and I don't know if there's a way to fix this. I don't want to ask them about getting a professional I can talk to because that way then I'd have to explain to them why I need it.

Leering, pointing, laughing

'Oh it's only banter'

'It's just a joke'

'We're only messing around'

'You can take a joke can't you'

I tread carefully around everywhere

Stares from everyone

Whispers and sneers

Fear weighing me down

Following the river of my tears

Every day the same

Glares and frowns

'Freak'

'She's nothing like us'

Every comment leaves a mark

Burnt into my skin

Etched into my brain

Carved into my heart

The cruel words tornadoing around my head

'Tramp'

Brusies from their bullets

Cuts from their words

Shattered like glass

Am I made of glass?

i don’t even know why I’m so nervous after all these years, maybe because I’m 54 now and everything feels more fragile, even the things I thought I had figured out. I’ve been working in this company for more than 20 years, through restructurations, new managements, endless workflow updates and all the “as per our last email” nonsense that comes with corporate life. and now that I finally have something for myself, my little office at home, the massage table set up, the kinesiology charts pinned on the wall, my magnets sorted in a drawer like some kind of treasure chest, I’m scared stiff of telling my boss I’m quiting. Isn’t that stupid? after two decades of performance reviews, KPI check-ins, regular compliance training and being told I’m “a strong asset”, I should be able to say one simple thing: “I’m leaving.” But he likes the job I do, he always says it, sometimes I even think he relies too much on me. And he doesn’t believe in kinesiology at all, he once called it “that body energy thingy you see on TV” and laughed. So how do I bring this up without sounding like I’ve lost my mind, or like I’m running away from the whole production chain just to go hug crystals ✨?

The weirdest thing is, I’m not unsure about the choice itself. I’m ready. really ready. I’ve read so many books, done trainings, passed exams, practiced on friends, even did a few sessions with co-workers who were brave enough to let me test muscle responses on them. One of them told me, “Honestly, it kinda worked,” which is still my favorite feedback ever. I’ve been doing the logistics too, registering my activity, checking insurance requirements, planning the client intake forms, trying to figure out how to explain muscle testing without sounding like a witch. everything is in place, even the scent diffuser that smells like eucalyptus went crazy last night for some reason. And yet, I freeze every time I imagine the conversation with my boss. He’s not a bad guy, just very...pragmatick. “Evidence-based or nothing,” he told me once when we were talking about stress. I know he’ll look at me like I told him I’m leaving to go join a circus. Should I try small talk first? Should I just say it straight? have you ever had to quit a job when the person in charge thinks your next career is bogus; because that’s exactly my situation and I feel like I’m rehearsing a script that won’t sound right no matter what?

Another part of me still remembers the early days when I was doing data-entry and he was still learning the ropes himself. there was this one time, during a big audit, where I stayed until midnight to help clean up the regulatory documentatoin, and he told everyone the next day, “She saved our asses.” That stuck with me for years, maybe too much. maybe that’s why I feel like announcing my departure is like betraying some old unwriten pact. But I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying about whether someone else is disappointed because I want to follow my own path. I’ve spent over two decades dealing with supply chain anomalies, preparing monthly reports, making sure the backoffice processes don’t collapse over a missing signature, and honestly it’s enough. My body is tired. My shoulders are constantly tight. last winter, I kept thinking, “If I’m helping everyone else stay on track, who’s helping me?” That was the moment I knew something had to change, even if the change made no sens to anyone else. My sister even told me, “At your age, people slow down, not start new weird careers.” But I’m not slowing down, I’m redirecting. Isn’t that allowed?

So now I’m drafting the resignatoin letter, with typos everywhere because my hands are shaking like an idiot. I wrote, “Thank you for the opprotunity,” and didn’t even correct it yet. maybe it shows how human this all is. Maybe it’s fine. The real challenge is deciding whether to explain everything or keep it short. Do I say “I’m becoming a kinesiologist and magnetizer,” or do I just say “pursuing a personnal project”? I keep hearing his voice saying, “We need you in the Q3 cycle,” and I know the timing sucks, but if I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it. life isn’t waiting for the perfect slot in the operational calendar; and neither am I. I keep thinking of that line from a book I read years ago: “Sometimes the door is open, but you have to be the one who walks through.” So maybe that’s what I’ll do. maybe I’ll sit down in his office, smile politely, and say, “I need to talk to you about something important.” And then I’ll just breathe and hope the world doesn’t fall appart. After all, if I can help clients align their energies, surely I can survive telling one man I’m moving on. Right?

I don't know what category this would go in, I don't know if this is even the right place to put this, I just googled 'anonymous places to vent' and went with this. I have no one to talk to and just don't know what to do about anything.

Everything. Just everything, look at what Trump and his cronies are doing, and no one is even trying to stop them. They're just complying in advance, or showing their true colors, both maybe. I keep trying to reach out to charities that are supposed to help LGBTQ folk flee the country or flee red states to blue- no one is helping me. No one. ONE out of the twenty or so I've written answered me, but then suddenly stopped once they said they were going to arrange a video call with me after I confirmed my identity. Rainbow Railroad told me 'America still protects my rights' so they won't help me. They won't even help me get to a blue state despite saying they help with that as well. I think they blocked my emails...

I never even got to live. I wish I was joking saying this, or exaggerating, but I'm not. My father kept me hostage, pretty much, from ages 17 to 22 or so. Sabotaging doctor's appointments, hiding my college acceptance letters, letting me get more and more disabled. More and more dependent. I've had so much crap happen in my life, various flavors of trauma from many different people, most people supposed to love and protect me. That's just one example and the one effecting me second most right now, it has the most relevance.

I'm 25 now, intersex and trans, and trapped. I am afraid to even try to get an ID and passport now despite never having one in the first place because what if someone looks at me and decides it's invalid based on how I look purely and I don't get to travel? Don't get my documents back? That's been happening to trans people trying to flee and yet no country is trying to stop Trump from the outside in seeing this all? Preparing to rescue us even if we have no documents? This is blatantly genocide, they're making us stateless and banning our travel, denying existence and removing government documentation of so many things...

I have been screaming for help for years. YEARS before this. About this, about other things, no one listened. No one ever listens, I need too much help and have too much wrong with me so I'm "not valuable." No one wants to help me and I'm running out of time day by day. I can't keep fighting. I even wrote an Australian government site that says they're taking in queer refugees, begged for help, admitted that I have nothing to offer but that I can learn skills if just given the chance and a bit of help. No one replies, of course, but I expected that. I'm just so tired. Scared.

Why is my life worth so little?

My family, who all either voted for this or skipped out because they had the privilege to as it 'didn't affect them' are around me laughing and unbothered. I just want to scream at them to shut their mouths. Shut up. You don't get to vote for my demise or otherwise treat me like shit for being afraid then sit there laughing, smiling, while I'm here barely making it.

I guess I just want to ask what steps do I even take first? Before someone says therapy, I'm already in it, my therapist doesn't even know what to say or do to help me and yes I'm on meds. I keep getting cycled through them because everything I try I have a terrible reaction to or it does absolutely nothing. I don't know what to do. And no, I'm not trying to encourage violence or am I saying I'm going to do anything to myself, just in case that needs to be made clear. I'm just laying myself bare. I'm just needing SOMEONE to help me. Or at least just hear me, not give me empty, hollow words and "coping mechanism advice" like hotlines (even TrevorChat) do.

I'm just so tired.

i fucking give up bro, everyday im called ugly, when i moved away from a shit country i lived in where ig ot choked and heavily physically bullied and r@ped i thought i escaped, i didn't. verbal bullying, i hate myself. got myself a ED cause of thos fuckers. i even stopped doing SH n now its started again, i got r@ped again of course. fuck this fucking bullshit. i know im ugly, i know im dumb. those fucking narcissists. i genuilny give up. im failing everything, my dads sick, my moms depressed and hates me, same w my dad, my friends hate me and i try to be what they want me to be, and i do that but still they hate me. im brown, im the odd one out, imt he ugliest. god i hate ts. what i've been through. i thought if ucking escaped but no god just hates me doesnt he. whatever. bye. i havent slept i nfucking days. iahte insomnia. i hate people.

i am 31, a woman, and this is a plain report from the wreckage, not a dramatic one. my husband and i signed the divorce papers recently, after 5 years together, and the official reason was infertility, which is a clinical word that still lands like a brick. we did the fertility workup, the hormone panels, the timed schedules, and the consults with soft voices and hard numbers, and the output was the same: no kids, no forward plan. he wanted a family in the standard format, and i could not supply the deliverable. the strange part is i still love him in a stable, low-noise way. there was no scandal, no affair, no villain. people keep saying “time heals all wounds,” but how long does it take to forget someone when the bond was not toxic, only incomplete?

i ask that because forgetting does not look like deletion to me. it looks like data migration, where old files keep showing up in the wrong folder. i still know what coffee he bought, how he cleared his throat before saying something serious, how he stood in doorways like he was waiting for a cue. these are not useful metrics now, but they remain in storage. i can explain the divorce in detached terms: incompatible life goals, failed reproduction timeline, emotional resource depletion, mutual decision under stress. that makes it sound neat, and it was not neat. it was just quiet. the lawyers divided assets, closed the case, and everybody was polite, which almost made it worse. no one tells you that a civil ending can leave the biggest afterimage. i loved him before the marriage, during the marriage, and also after the legal offboarding; i think that is the bug in the system. some nights i do root cause analysis on my own body, like maybe if i trace the defect far enough i can bargain with it. then i remember i am a person, not a factory line.

still, the trend line is not hopeless, and that matters. i am sleeping a little better than last month. i eat without treating food like medicine. i went outside yesterday and the air did not feel like a punishment. this is minor progress, but progress is still progress. maybe forgetting is not the key performance indicator anyway. maybe the better question is whether a person can remember someone without collapsing around the memory. i think that is where i am heading, slowly and badly, but still heading. i keep hearing, “the only way out is through,” and i hate how useful it is. i do not believe i will never love anyone again, even if my brain keeps filing him as the main reference point. i also do not believe my life is over because one plan failed in production. if you have loved someone good and lost them for reasons that were not evil, did the feeling fade, or did it just change temperature? i want an honest answer. for now, i am trying to be kind to the woman in this case file, which is me, and i think she may become someone i can trust with a future again.

I have this online friend. We're both bisexual but I lean towards girls and she leans towards guys. I have liked her before and she got her phone taken last summer. I told her and she just lind of ignored it, we both just swept it under the rug. I mean I kind of expected it anyways, she expressed that she didn't want to date anymore of her best friends because it never worked out. She came back around a month ago or two ago, and those feelings have resurfaced. I feel stuck because I have to watch her throw herself at these guys who will never see her for what she's worth. Just someone to joke about sex with and lie to. I've tried to wait out these feelings but it's just so hard. She'll probably just sweep it under the rug again.

I feel so guilty because my dads mom gave me one of her expenisve dogs like a day or two after my old dog died and I just cant feel a connection like I did with my old dog Im not even sure if I love the new dog or not all I ever do is compare her (The new dog) to my old dog and wish she was my old dog because he was blind, grumpy, and just goofy compared to her whos shy and doesnt do anything besides panic and cling to me which maybe Im just not used to a dog who can see be as clingy as my blind dog I dont know but I feel guilty that I got this free show dog basically and I just dont really love her

I have no idea what to do. Like, I swear, my brain has been looping this same question over and over for weeks, and I still don’t have an answer. Do I break up with him? Or do I stay? I keep going back and forth. One minute I feel so sure that I need to end it, that I can’t do this anymore, that I’m just not happy. But then the second I actually think about saying the words out loud, I freak out. What if I regret it? What if this is a huge mistake? What if I let go of something that I’ll never find again? I feel like no matter what I do, I’m gonna end up hurting—either I stay in a relationship that doesn’t feel right anymore, or I leave and then spend months wondering if I made the worst decision of my life. And yeah, okay, maybe I’m being dramatic, but it feels dramatic. It feels like my whole world is balancing on this one choice and no matter which way I go, I’m gonna mess something up.

It’s not like he’s a bad boyfriend. He’s actually really sweet. He tells me he loves me, he texts me good morning and good night, he’s never done anything to hurt me. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like something is missing? I keep thinking that maybe I just got too used to him, that maybe I’m just bored, and that’s a me problem, not a him problem. But at the same time, shouldn’t I be excited to be with my boyfriend? Shouldn’t I want to text him, to spend time with him, to tell him things? Lately, I just… don’t. I see his name pop up on my phone and instead of getting happy, I feel tired. And I hate that. Because he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone who isn’t fully into it. But then I think about actually telling him, about actually breaking up, and it hurts. Like, I can already imagine his face, the way he’ll look at me, like I just shattered his whole world. And the idea of being the reason he’s sad? The reason he’s heartbroken? I don’t think I can handle that.

And then there’s the whole what if I never find someone else? part. I mean, sure, I’m only 15, I know that logically there are gonna be other people in my life. But what if no one else ever treats me as good as he does? What if I’m just being selfish and expecting some unrealistic movie kind of love that doesn’t even exist? What if I leave and then realize I just ruined something that could have lasted forever? And then I think about being single and it terrifies me. Not just the being alone part, but the whole starting over part. The thought of having to meet someone new, go through all the awkward first conversations, figuring out if we even like each other, getting used to a whole different person’s way of texting, of talking, of being… it sounds exhausting. And at least with my boyfriend, I know him. I know how he is, I know how to be around him, I know he loves me. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe I don’t need butterflies or whatever, maybe I just need to appreciate what I have. But what if I’m just forcing myself to stay because I’m scared of leaving? And if that’s the case, isn’t that kinda worse?

I wish someone could just tell me what to do. I wish I could fast forward to a year from now and see if I’m happier if I break up with him or if I’ll just be sitting there, crying over what I lost. But I don’t get to know that. I just have to decide. And I don’t think I can. I don’t think I’m ready. But how long can I keep pretending everything’s fine when it’s not?