Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Hi, I'm not sure if this is really family drama but I feel it's similar. I'm a 34 year old female. I'm currently in a deep depression that I am having difficulty getting out of. This all started about maybe 4 years ago. I got the news that my oldest brother who is 11 years older than me had stage 4 terminal cancer. I was in complete shock, my brother is more like my mother and father in one. We lost my mother a year before his diagnosis and we have another brother who is 2 years older than me. My oldest brother, Chris, has always been there for me(financially, emotionally and all around). He became my person well before my mom passed but was the person I talked to every day a little before she passed. Chris has been there for me through thick and thin and has even helped me take care of my daughter more than anyone else in my life. I trust that man with my life and my daughters life. I knew he was told he wouldn't make it but I prayed so hard that he would. I couldn't imagine life without my brother. About a year ago, a week before my daughters bday the day came where he passed. I never cried harder in my life. The person who was my mom, dad and brother in one was gone. I couldn't even grieve right as I felt I had to be there for everyone else. I have gone on almost a year missing him more than I have even missed my own mother. I honestly just want my brother back, I go to therapy but it really don't help. To make matters worse my dog that I've had for 12 years passed suddenly last month. Apollo was my best friend for 12 years and I lost him not even a year after my brother. All this has got me to the point I don't know what to do. The only thing keeping me going and waking up is my daughter. I'm so upset I can't think straight and I'm doing what I can to keep things together. But I feel I'm breaking apart. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, but I've lost too much too close together. I've tried talking to my dad and other brother but it don't help. My dad has pulled away for the most part in life and my other brother has tried to be there but it's just not the same. I miss Chris more than anything and it hurts so much, and I'm not even sure how to process losing Apollo. I know ppl will say he's just a dog but he's been my best friend for 12 years and been there for me when no one else was. My dog was more than a dog to me. And I feel like most of my heart is gone. My daughter is the only light I have left and I feel I'm loosing my will to live. I can't do that because she needs me more. Any advice on what I can do would be greatly appreciated. And please no find God comments or pray. It doesn't work and I don't think I can deal with that cause I can't think God would take 2 of the most important things from me in my life. I've literally lost hope in praying for now. So please no religious stuff I can't handle it.

i checked my email today and noticed that MadeWithGSAP was released last wednesday. i got so excited because i’ve waited 2–3 months for this and wanted to learn more about GSAP’s capabilities (and hopefully i get to learn something in the long run). so, i checked the website out to see if it’s there.

but…that’s when i realized that it’s paid. it’s PAID. €85 for 50 GSAP effects? that’s like ₱5,153.55 here. bruh, that’s 1 1/2 months worth of groceries with that money. i can’t buy it because i’m a first-year college student, and i don’t even have a job yet.

man, that realization really hits me. it made me think about years ago when i’ve vented so much about why almost everything on the internet is expensive here in the philippines. why does life treat me like this?? man, i’ve waited for months and felt a bit of excitement, but all this wait for nothing? what am i going to do with all this? i don’t even know how to recreate those effects just from the previews they have on their website. i just can’t…do this.

My husband, Mark, and I split all essential household costs down the middle, including groceries and the electricity bill. I see myself as the one who adds those special touches to our home, frequently dipping into my own funds for extras like new dishware, decorative items, and furniture. Unfortunately, Mark tends to be a bit negligent with our belongings, which often results in broken items around the house. Usually, I end up replacing these myself. However, a recent incident has left me rethinking this dynamic.

This Christmas, I had picked out a lovely new kettle as a present for my mother and stashed it under our tree. Last week, I discovered that our own kitchen kettle, which was less than a year old, was broken. Mark's response when I asked about it was a nonchalant, "I don't know." This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Frustrated, I've decided not to replace the kettle this time. I pointedly told him that since he broke it, it would be his responsibility to replace it. Given his usual reluctance to spend money, it seems we might be without a kettle for a while. Despite everything, I love him dearly, but it's tough sometimes!

Already Happy holidays, everyone!

One afternoon, after a long day at work, I returned home to find a message from my neighbor plastered on my door. It read, "Please refrain from parking on this street this Monday from 10am to 12pm due to a filming activity. The NYPD has been informed and parking restrictions will be enforced." This alert seemed a bit off to me, so I decided to check with the local police station. Upon inquiry, they confirmed that while my neighbor had indeed notified them about the filming, they had not authorized any parking enforcement or restrictions for that day.

The next day, another message from my neighbor appeared, this time amending his previous note: "Hello, it appears there was a misunderstanding regarding NYPD's involvement in the ticketing of cars. Nonetheless, I would really appreciate it if you could avoid parking here during the mentioned hours." His change in tone didn't sit well with me, particularly because of his initial threat of ticketing.

Choosing to stand my ground, I made no plans to move my car that Monday. Our neighborhood is generally calm and provides ample parking, which makes it a favorite for driving schools to conduct their lessons due to its tranquility.

On Monday morning, as I was heading out to catch the subway, I encountered the neighbor setting up his filming equipment. He inquired if I knew whose car was parked on the street and if it could be moved. I admitted mine was among them but declined to move it. He pleaded, saying it would help him greatly. I reminded him of his initially deceptive approach which had soured any willingness on my part to assist him. He persisted, but I refused again, leading him to label me as rude and an inconsiderate neighbor. I brushed off his comments and proceeded to the subway.

Imagining this scenario taking place on a reality show adds an intriguing layer. How would viewers react to such a confrontation broadcasted nationally? Reality show audiences often enjoy drama and conflict, so this situation could likely become a pivotal and much-discussed moment of an episode. Viewers might split into camps, some siding with the filmmaker for trying to pursue his project and others with the car owner standing up against what they perceived as initial bullying. The debates on social media platforms could be intense, examining the ethics of neighborhood cooperation versus personal rights.

So, am I just standing up for my rights or making too big a deal out of something small?

Hubby and I are from different countries/cultures.

We ended up moving to Australia before Covid struck 😒 we eventually settled in and life moved on around the world. My in-laws all live in one area. Hubby and I settled nearby and everything was fine. The kids love their grandparents and they are good to me.

However…

I miss my parents so much. I am an only child and my babies are their only grandbabies. It breaks my heart. But hubby is good to me and supports us well. In-laws are good to me too. Just the culture differences get to me sometimes. In-laws have other grandchildren nearby. They are “well off” so they tend to live their lives separate from their children. That’s fine. I’m used to family in your face everyday lol.

The thing that bothers me is they will pass on spending time with their grandkids just because. They want to shop or go out for dinner on their own. We have invited them over and they will refuse without a reason. I’m aghast because I know my parents would kill to spend everyday with their grandbabies!!

I know I can’t change anything. I hate it’s so expensive to fly to Australia! I hate my parents are not well off and can’t afford to visit! They’ve come once and are saving up to come again. Hubby and I have even told them we can help a bit. My dad has offered to send my mom on her own just to save money. I hate that for them! I want them to be next door and my babies see them everyday and be loved so much by two more people! My parents are one of the best in the world! They are so wonderful and sacrificial! They deserve the world and especially their only grandbabies to be nearby to hug and kiss and love on them all day everyday!!!!

Two years ago, we moved about 300 miles away. It sucked for me because now we are not near family. In-laws have come to visit once. Once! In two years. Again, I can’t believe it. They can afford to travel but choose not to. My parents would give anything to see us once every two years! I’m trying to respect their decisions but can’t help think of my parents. I get so upset with my in-laws in my mind. I guess that’s how they stay “well off”, don’t spend too much money. It just annoys me for the kids. They deserve loving grandparents nearby 💔

Long vent

Super, super long day today. I feel exhausted and just honestly like a wet rag.

Had two tests today and idk how to feel about them. I don't think they went bad, but i do think i could've done better. I did study, but not as much as i wanted to, cause yesterday i felt really bad and couldn't continue for a while. I just kinda wanted to go home and sleep forever, but then my mom told me that this morning my grandpa called (from my dads side, we're not good terms with them) and got aggressive and insulted her over the phone. Now she'd like me to call him and defend her, I think. Maybe argue back and throw some insults of my own. But i get really nervous in arguements and It takes nothing to make me start crying, and Just the thought of calling and argueing with them specifically freaks me out. I don't know what do right now. I'm just tired of everything.

I genuinely just don't care anymore about school. I've tried to tell myself that it's so important and that I have to do these things to get into a good college to live a good life but right now I'm sitting and writing this post instead of studying for an important presentation that's tomorrow. Part of me is telling myself that I should work on it, that I should do it, but my heart's just not in it. I don't have any motivation to do this, nothing helps at all. I've tried studying with my friends but honestly it just doesn't work out. I always end up doing something random or doomscrolling. I don't know what to do anymore. Why am I feeling like this?? How do I get motivation???

Think about it, there's more benefits to it. You're less surprised by tragedy, you are alive because everyone are liars in your eyes, and when you get hurt, you already knew this was gonna happen.

Really? So far I've had no friends and my family hates that I'm negative. I'm not negative, I'm honest. They hate the fact when I tell them there's no hope in this planet, and that everything is pathetic, and how I won't even be rich and alive to see 20.

People already struggle in this era, so what else is next than to give up and be on the unemployment train? Or vouch for communism over capitalism? I even became negative and I'm happier that zone. It's my comfort zone.

The moment my friends moved on and had their own groups without me, I became the cynic, the dark, the grim. I soon realized at 13 to live in the world, you have to trust no one, not even your family or your home country.

You must hate everyone, and distrust everyone. You must live in fear and disgust of humans, because they try to force-swallow their nasty happy pills down my throat and "be positive".

My family doesn't love me, I'm just a resource, a toy given to them because they wanted to fill out a norm. Have a tall husband, short wife, and 2 kids, one girl and boy.

Benefits of being pessimistic (which even the adults on the room can’t see for some reason):

1) Has a lesser painful impact when being betrayed by something or someone because you low-key suspected the thing with you was a fake

2) Are actually more smarter some you are able to see the messy sides without being too surprised

3) Have enough permission to tell someone, “I told you so!”

4) Able to feel smart and actually be confident because you have enough evidence and gut feeling to prove your point that everything is hopeless

5) Able to understand the world is a mess because everything is too expensive, too less, people can be evil or bigoted, able to see and grasp the flaws of populist people (and people in general) more easily

6) Can rot and feel hopeless without feeling drained or physically affected because already predicted the (crappy) future, in fact can actually thrive in such mental states

7) Able to handle bleak honesty better (like being told “I don’t like you” or “You’re worthless and ugly”) because the pessimism tells you it’s true

8) Great personality trait to have because it meetings and in jobs you can be flat you “ruined” (correct word: told the truth) to your dumb, optimistic puppy employees

9) Can handle isolation and loneliness better (I lasted 7 years with no friends or contact to any classmates, and I’m 13!) because you know everyone, even the adults, around you are idiots to never understand

10) Can grasp the fact the adults are stupid and uncultured without crying because it was already predicted

I can do all that without feeling bad! I can fail and berate myself, and I'll be fine because I'm in my comfort zone. Isn't everyone happy in their zone?

I even felt embarrassed after I got excited because we went to a park we never went to and saw hoopoes, ring-neck parrots, mynas and it had some interesting empty restaurants and 2 colleges nearby, and then I petted a cat on a bench, until I started feeling more itchy, my eye swelled up red, and I realized the doctor was right when she said I have an allergy to dust and cat hair.

So see? I should've just sat, even though I liked walking, seeing the birds, the place itself, and having a nice bubble tea with my mom and brother. I should've argued with mom about my ideology that pessimism is the way to go, rather than let her read her book and me walk around.

That would've ended than us being peaceful and mom not yelling. That cat ruined it!

Sure it didn't bite or scratch me (I would've berated myself for rabies risk), it was oddly quiet and it was weirdly so comfortable to the point it sat on my lap and it didn't even try to attack me when I picked it and lightly threw it on the ground (it's a cat so it can land on its feet, and cat didn't even meow), and when I scratch and petted it, it seemed fine, it sat another time before I picked its belly and put it on the bench, and his eye also looked kinda swollen, until I started itching and my eye also got swollen, and mom in a kinda disappointed tone said, "Oh, why did you do that?"

Before we got bubble tea and I put the drink on my eye to cool it, then at home (after we picked my brother in the same park from his piano exam. You see, in one area there was an auditorium hub, and he did it there, we were just nearby) I put the ice pack on my rash, eye and mom put eye drops.

It's better now, but I shouldn't have done it! Still, I shouldn't have trusted my gut, and I should've never sat near that thing.

Hell, I should've argued with mom about my philosophy, instead of excitedly telling her about the hoopoes and ring-necks like an 8 y/o! I'm 13!

Isn't it just stupid I got excited over a dumb bird, and a bit confused why an Indian parrot was in UAE, and there was 6 of them near the college (it was Middlesex University in Dubai)?

I should've argued and be cynical, that's more grown up! I may have been happy while roaming around, but not everything happy is good!

And why was I even looking around the place and drinking that with my family? I should've asked for a coffee, like adults!

I'm not pretending it never happened, I'm admitting it did, and admitting how much of an avoidable situation it was!

It's a stupid stray cat, it's not like it's gonna cry if you leave it!

And I was even dumber for thinking it was a calm cat, it was, it didn't react much at all (I know it's not dead, his eye just looked weird, and I hope he was alright, showed no signs of sneezing, coughing or snot, his left eye was just swollen), even when I picked it up and put on the ground first, and then the chair, I shouldn't have trusted that fiend!

And why did my left eye also get swollen? Again, I was being stupid! People with allergies don't go anywhere near things they have reactions to, even if it's not anaphylactic!

Again, what allergic person goes near their allergies? Lord knows I was being stupid. I shouldn't have trusted it. It may have been gentle, maybe kinda old, but I shouldn't have even thought about going there.

This is one of the memories where being calmer and hopeful hurts you. This is the other chapter in my book of that.

Stupid cat fur. Can't even be a normal person.

But my benefits! Oh, don't tell me, "Be positive!" Again, it's happy pills institutions feed us to keep us controlled. That's like saying surgery is bad because people die from it. More people have lived!

If I apply the same with everyone, family, friends, teachers, strangers, I'll be alive. I won't be on the ground betrayed by a fraud.

More people have been hurt by surprises. So, the more I expect down, I can never be hurt. Better to never be hurt ever than get hurt once, right?

Come on, if I don't trust anyone, I'll be fine! It's how we work, right? People wall up all the time. Don't they?

I mean, army men don't trust EACH OTHER, so? I can wall up forever, or at least decades and be okay! It's how I managed without friends! Hermits did it! I can have that life!

Another thing, how does looking or doing things you like supposed to make you feel better when you failed at something?

Again, I didn't draw for months, and then during that time, I made mood boards and just sat at home doing nothing. Then, when I failed 2 of my exams, I turned to watch what I liked, created more boards, got back to making my doll, and eating, and wanting to go out to malls to cure my misery.

Yeah, useless. This is fleeting joy. This isn't the joy where you are happy for life. It still means I'm a failure to my family, even if my mom says I'm not a failure.

Exams will define my college selection, my grade promotion, and life! Says the woman who got 70/100, thinking she failed when she's top 5 scorers in school for getting 85-95!

Again, I always think she's lying. What's the catch? What's the hidden meaning behind, "We may argue but I won't leave you and stop loving you."

People leave when they have a big argument after many microaggressions, or maybe one big thing happened and they all hate each other! They fight and leave, it's the big thing that holed their relationship!

Movies show it, and they're praised as realistic, so explain this. My brain's a soldier in armor for knowing this and suspecting this.

Guess what? Okay, maybe my arguments are the micro-aggressions, until we have that BIG FIGHT, and she sends me elsewhere!

Don't tell me, mom, that you won't send me anywhere or deport me back no matter how angry you are, you will soon.

I have maturity in pessimism than my family, so at least I'm good at that and nothing else.

I'm smart. I'm confident because of it.

My mom spews trash when she says, "Don't talk about your miseries all the time or any bad thing all the time, we just did something good yesterday."

We may have binged a show we liked, had good food, went out to a new park we've never been to, and had bubble tea, but to keep myself not too happy, I have to remember the bad things.

Isn't it how we keep ourselves in check and not too...joyful?

Joy can make people do stupid things, and when you distrustful of everything, you'll have all the things trying to hurt you not hurt you.

Isn't numbness good?

And so what if it's a cage? Better than to fly in a forest where you could get eaten by an animal.

Flying's bad in that case. It's a cage that keeps me safe, with food, shelter, confidence, security, and my thoughts.

I'm fine here! In fact, I'm happier here than being positive. I'm happier here, it's how I've managed for years, I only got more emotional when I started listening to my heart.

It shouldn't be there! I should grow out of it. It may be screaming me to not be this "hard", but it's being stupid.

It's like a kid telling me not to watch TV today or I'll go blind today and need a walking stick.

See? I can be happy being alone when thinking negative, because how can anyone hurt me or leave me?

Bad things only teach you they're bad.

You break up with someone when you both couldn't control it, it was worthless.

If you studied and still failed an exam, it was worthless.

You had a friend who moved from you, that friend was worthless.

If this is "living", I reject living. I accept survival.

Seeing pain as bad, and emotions as bad, it's how I've coped for years now. I managed since I was 12, for some stuff, but it's increased now at 13.

I was okay until I listened once to my heart. That made me feel bad, and it made my mom be a "friend".

Who has their mom as a friend?!

I've been vulnerable to a teacher, and she took me too literally! She got me out of school for 3 days, when I felt perfectly fine to go!

And even I feel guilty, and now mom's all like, "You should now speak to me, because only I know you better than them."

Hag, you're my mom. Who has their moms as confidants!?

I'm supposed to have many friends at this age, not be alone with mom.

I can even fake with a few people to look cool! I'll figure it out!

Everybody else has friends. I don't. I'm 1 of the 2 kids in the class with no friend. There's only one girl, but if I spoke to her, it'll be awkward. She's very quiet, very soft-spoken.

If girls can fake boyfriends and then fall in love like in movies, I can do it with friends!

If I DARE get awkward, it's bad. Means I'm weak, shameful even.

I must fake it. I can forget it exists if the sky has smog in it. I'd rather breathe in my own breath than that in my cage.

Everything uncontrolled is bad! I'm allowed to be a hermit!

You may say hermits were missing human connection but they convinced themselves it was fine. Why can't I do that?

I'm a martyr for that. I'm a martyr for isolation.

So please, people here, what happened when you were pessimistic for a long while? I bet it benefited you more than gave you issues.

But be honest, tell everything...

So I was hanging out of VR-Chat with a few friends in a military sim and we were doing combat as usual. My sister tells me that dinner is ready, but I cant leave because its FUCKING ONLINE, and I don't want to disrespect my friends by leaving suddenly. This little ASSHOLE TURNED OFF MY SURGE PROTECTOR without me knowing, leading to my headset dying out of nowhere. I spent a few moments trying to figure out WHY my headset is dead, and refuses to charge. I plug it back in, pull the entire cord out of the socket, just to figure out that she turned it off. I can't trust my family anymore because of shit like this. This is the FIFTH WEEK that I had to go black-comms (leave) on promotions day, because nobody in my goddamn household wants me to be happy, or have friends, and then they complain that I never go outside. THEY ARE THE ONES MAKING ME TOO GODDAMN NERVOUS TO LEAVE MY FUCKING BEDROOM! I asked her if she turned off my surge protector, and she denied it like the insolent disgrace that she is. My next suspect is my mom because the constantly ignores my privacy and acts like doors mutes every sound ever, and whenever I shot her a text, asking if she did it; she also denies it and says "Im sorry your headset died", as if that is going to magically charge my headset to 100% and replace the dying batteries in it. One of those two did it, because I KNOW my dad cant take his lazy ass upstairs, he's too much of a drunk to do that. I just want to go through ONE FUCKING PROMOTIONS MEETING without having to leave early before the promotions even happen; is that too much for someone to do? Its EVERY. FUCKING. SATURDAY with these people. NO! I don't want to go eat shitty seafood with a deadbeat, a dumbass, and a spoiled brat. NO! I don't want to go swimming in Florida heat with 1K mosquitoes sucking my blood. JUST LET ME PLAY IN PIECE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

(sorry for the amount of cussing, I get heated easily)

I hate falling in love

Falling for someone is stupid and a waste of time

I mean, I already had a feeling you didn’t, and just couldn’t, like me back

But some part of me wished you did

I hate that your so nice

So cool and super handsome

I hate that for many months the only thing that kept me awake at church when I would fall asleep was thinking about you

I hate your stupid smile that probably made others girls fall in love with you too

I hate that life is not a romantic drama that always has happy endings

I hate that finding “the one” is honestly bullshit

I hate that guys are so oblivious and stupid never picking up on hints, always making me blush but thinking nothing of it

But most of all I hate that you are older than me

I hate that I’m still young and it was all just wishful thinking to begin with

I hate that….. that it was honestly never possible

I hate that I’m delusional

I hate that there are other girls that are way better for you to fall in love with

And now I dislike the idea of you liking my sister

I hate it because I know if I were you I probably would too

I hate that she can do things that probably make many other people fall in love with her too

I hate that she is so unknowing romantic

I hate knowing that

I hate knowing that that would be a much more realistic relationship

I hate having crushes

I hate talking about crushes

Because it’s so pathetic finding out that they actually like your friend instead after just telling your friends you liked that person

And it sucks because you honestly try to brush it off and blame yourself for being so stupid

What’s worse is when your friend likes the same person as you and you support them instead because you are such a fucking people pleaser

And honestly I don’t really mind it but it hurts my ego and pride to be disappointed like that

I wouldn’t care at all but why….. why did it have to be you

Why do I know that you are probably going to fall in love with my sister

And why did it have to be my sister

One of my favourite persons

Honesty if it was someone else or you said already have a girlfriend I wouldn’t give that much of a shit

But why, why is it so…. sad why do I feel mad

Why does it have to be like this

And there’s probably nothing to prevent from happening too because you guys work together

I hate that I have such bad luck

I hate that life is truly just against me

I hate that I’m like this

I hate that I’m so insecure

Always hoping at least someone would like me

That way I would know it’s not impossible to like me and some people do find me interesting

I hate everything

I hate everyone

I hate me

I keep trying to make friends, but everytime I try to message someone my previous trauma tells me I shouldn't and that the message will only annoy them. I just wanna make friends but because of so much past experiences it makes it so hard to reach out to them. Even though I know it's the only way I can get closer to someone I hold back.

I used to dream of having a home, a family… a life filled with love and warmth.

But now, just thinking about it makes me feel sick

love doesn’t feel beautiful anymore. It feels heavy, even disgusting.

Maybe because I’ve been through so many failed relationships.

Maybe because I once loved someone narcissistic who made me hate everything love stands for.

Maybe because I gave so much of myself to people… and got nothing back.

Now, I feel numb. Like I’ve lost the part of me that used to feel.

Sometimes my mind drifts toward physical desire, but even that feels wrong. I’m a Muslim, I’m Arab and that alone comes with its own struggle and shame 😁

So I hold myself back. Alone. Every single time.

And maybe that’s why I started resenting men — or even the idea of starting something new with anyone.

I feel lonely, yes. Deeply lonely.

But I’ve pulled away from everyone. I barely talk to people anymore. I just bury myself in work and try not to feel.

I just want to feel okay again.

I want to be normal. To be human again. Like I used to

Sorry if this feels too long for y'all. Do skip this if you don't wanna go through it all. I feel like I'm reaching out desperately for attention and warmth by people by doing this. But I'm gonna say it all anyway. I'm a victim of bullying in school. I've never been able to say it all completely word by word before until now. It all started with me falling off of my school van, and of course constant headfalls by family abuse, and developing epileptic seizures. I got heavily targeted by my school mates for this temporary disability i had. I used to eat tabs for seizures, i don't remember the name of it as my parents moderated my medications. It made me lethargic and drunk basically. I barely had any idea of what was happening around me. I was always in a daze. But everyone, took advantage of it and belittled me. Even one of my teachers. It all actually started from 3rd grade, before that i was extremely bright and a top grade student. Also started from my 3rd grade homeroom teacher. She knew i had a problem and would still make me do things i genuinely couldn't and then punish me in front of everyone, announcing everyone that I'm a "Retard", yea that's right, she used that word at me without any sense of remorse or sympathy for me. And this is how no one started respecting me. They'd steal my tiffins, my stationery, put stones in my backpack, pull my hairband and throw them in the dustbin, break stuff and then blame me for doing it because OF COURSE I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON I WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF EVERYTHING AND FELT LIKE A BURDEN. Once my "friends"... my naive ass used to think they were my friends, broke my bench partner's glasses, and blamed it all on me when i was clearly just taking a nap. They beat me in the class in front of everyone. I went and complained to my teacher about it but she did nothing ofc. I got a stray dog bite in 5th grade, and yeah... it fuelled their excuses for bullying me. I joined karate in school to kind of cope with all this, and i was surprisingly very adept at it. But yeah, i became an outcast to everyone there too, except my sensei who used to praise me for everything. 6th grade. I got bullied by my class teacher again. She'd say I'm a crybaby and can't do anything on my own, and call me smart in front of my parents. What a horrid woman. Again everyone ostracized me for that. I finally met my math teacher in 6th grade who was kind enough and understood me and validated me for my qualities. I got attached to her because it was the first time i got praised and felt loved by someone. I almost didn't want to transfer schools because of her. 8th grade scored some friends and became one of the top students again, but yeah, i had no luck in my life, they all got striped away from me at 9th grade, got stuck in an alien class, with no one i knew or no one who respected me. But then again, in 9th grade I became one of the top 10 rankers out of nowhere, all that alone studying paid off. I became the most knowledgeable person in class, which I'm proud of, but still got heavily hated and based by the people in my class. They'd ask me for notes, and then write curses on the back of my copies and give them back. I got tired of it all and asked my parents to change schools but guess what? they said "bear with it" and would ask me for advice if i should. Who in their right mind asks a kid for their opinion on this? If i suddenly caught a liking to some teacher, of course i wouldn't see the bigger picture and say no to transferring. But they thought i was "mature" enough and asked me these and now blame me when i tell them why they didn't do it all. 10th grade i was finally opening up and started to show myself despite my fear of people, but yeah. The world hates me. Welcome corona quarantine. Got sheltered again. Broke me again completely. Couldn't get myself out of the shell anymore and passed 12th like this. I kind of got adapted to the people in the place i lived in, sounds contradictory to my whole story, but yeah, it was the norm i knew. Then my parents, heartlessly, had no pinch of wellbeing for me, and transferred places. Went to the south, where people have NIGHT AND DAY differences from the north. Were nicer but sexist, i couldn't stand them, it wasn't the normal public in my eyes. I somehow managed to put a face at university for the first year and a half of the second, forcing myself to stand out and look cool, look like a well knowledgeable person, who's good at everything. But I couldn't anymore. I dropped my academics, stopped trying, but idk how i somehow miraculously completed my degree. I'm sorry for venting so much. I had to finally let all of this out for once. It's been like months since I graduated my university. I know I shouldn't let this past bother me, but it keeps haunting me every single moment of my existence. I had to let it all out, this app seemed perfect to do so. Thanks for reading till here. I just want to feel heard and seen, may it be even anonymously.

So let me set the scene because it is a bit crazy, and I'm not even sure if I'm the one who's out of line here. I'm a 16-year-old girl, and I come from a Latin American background. I was born and grew up in Costa Rica until I moved at the age of 13. I still speak Spanish fluently, eat Costa Rican cuisine, celebrate all the local festivals, and hold Costa Rican citizenship. However, my parents are from Chinese descent, so yes, I am also Asian. Surprising, I know! But for some, the concept of being both Asian and Latina is hard to grasp.

The confusion heightened during a school event. I’m very passionate about musical theatre, and when my school announced they were staging ‘In the Heights,' which portrays a mainly Latino neighborhood, I was eager to be part of it. I auditioned for the role of Nina but was cast as Vanessa instead. I was super excited about it. But then, there was this girl, Heather, who also wanted Vanessa, and she was furious when I got the role instead.

Heather seemed either not to care to learn about my background or maybe chose to ignore it, but next thing I know, she’s spouting off that I had nabbed a Latina role from a "real" Latina. She ranted about how troubling it was for me, an Asian girl, to fill a role meant for someone with "authentic" Latina roots. As if things weren't bad enough, she started trash-talking me with her buddies, throwing around insults like “stupid Chinese” and “pick me.”

I hit my limit and decided to confront her about it. At first, I tried to calmly clear up that yes, Asian Latinos do exist (ever heard of Costa Rica?). I even mentioned actor Harry Shum Jr. as an example. But she refused to listen. The argument blew up when she kept saying I didn't look the part and that casting me was wrong, likening it to if she were to be cast as Mulan.

I lost my cool.

In the heat of the argument, I threw back that if we're judging by her standards, she shouldn't portray Vanessa since Vanessa isn't supposed to be FAT and UGLY. Yeah, it was harsh. But by then, I was frustrated with trying to get through to someone who had no regard for me or my background. She stormed off after that.

Now she's painting me as the villain, claiming I body-shamed her. I admit, the words were harsh, but was I supposed to sit quietly while she demeaned my heritage and perpetuated racial slurs? It feels like she started this by being so close-minded.

Imagine if this whole incident transpired on a reality show. The cameras capturing every heated exchange and each biting remark. Would the audience side with me, knowing everything, or would they see me as too aggressive, focusing only on the climax of our confrontation? Reality TV tends to twist narratives, so it's intriguing to think about how our story might have been portrayed.

a note to someone, who I wont mention by name

I'm not even sure they'll see this

you leaving has affected us all

filled us with hatred, remorse

I've stopped eating full meals

started farming attention from anyone and everyone

"I wasn't enough for you"

you were everything to me. and you threw it away and insulted me in the process

but I cant bring myself to hate you

cant bring myself to let it go

I'll stay here

waiting

waiting here

waiting now

waiting

for you

ok?