Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

i was always told im ugly, i have never experienced true love, haven't even held hands, and nobody has ever loved me, i wish i could find love, im secretly gay, and im terrified of my parents knowing, because i know they won't accept me.

so uhh, my friend, (we will call her purple) I love her, and I even got matching bracelets for us, which I NEVER do! and guess what? my other friend (we will call him blue) STARTED DATING HER TODAY. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE I LIKE HER, AND GUESS WHAT? THE ONE I LOVE IS TAKEN FROM MY FRIEND, AND I CANT DO ANYTHIGN ABOUT THAT. ISNT IT GREAT? NO, ITS NOT. IT DOESNT FEEL GOOD, AND NOW IM GONNA HAVE TO LIVE THE NEXT YEARS OF SCHOOL LIKE THIS, KNOWING THAT THE ONE I LOVE IS TAKEN BY MY FRIEND. it hurts. it hurts so much. and I cant do anything about that. and if he ever sees or finds out a bout this, well then I'm sorry. I'm just so depressed knowing that she probably didn't even like me, and liked you instead. I know I sound jelous, or however you say it. but I already had a bad mental state, and this just got worse. #deppressionarc!

My useless ex girlfriend left me for someone with a dick. Although the relationship ended amicably I feel bitter. I wish I could tear into her in front of everyone we know. I don't because there is a one in a billion chance that she might be useful. Such as pay me back the money I spent on a studio apartment for her.

I'm a 16 year old male. I was born into a religious household, where Christianity was the most important thing for us. I won't be going into this exact part so much, but I want to offer some context. I was beaten up a lot since I was a kid. I still remember many of the things they did to me. Say, that time my mother struck me with the sharp side of a metal ruler for rolling on the ground as an 8-10 year old. I wasn't throwing a tantrum, I was just... rolling on a floor. With no one watching. And my clothes got a bit dirty for an event we had that day. I still remember that time she dropped me in an orphanage for eight hours straight after misbehaving in one of my Taekwondo classes... As an 10 year old. I still remember all of it. And how powerless I felt every time.

Since the start, they made me understand very clearly that I did not have control over my mother, neither on myself. If you're wondering where my father is, he "doesn't like to get involved" in those beatings, since then, my mother lashes into him. My mother has a history of mental illnesses (specifically, depression caused by her even sh#ttier mother). There was no fighting back. There was no chance for me to have a say in anything. My mother had the final word over everything. This only laid the groundwork for the things I'm going through now.

As any traditional christian parent, both my mother and father are extremely homophobic, transphobic, and my mother specifically is racist (and excuses herself by saying that she has black friends, but whatever. That's not the point here). As I entered puberty and started finding out who I was, I found myself liking what they deemed "girly" things. Long, fluffy hair (which, they never allowed me to have), the colors pink and red, Touhou project (a videogame saga)... Eventually, my parents suspected that I might be turning gay.

Every day, they would discuss with me. Every day, they would tell me to remove every single "girly" thing I had. I was pretty homophobic myself back then (and I apologize deeply), but I got forced into going through what a huge chunk of the queer community has to go through when coming out as something.

Every day, it was another discussion. A meaningless talk that extended for hours about my parents telling me that I was heading in the wrong path and repeating bible verses. They didn't want to change their minds. They only wanted to change mine.

Let's go to the present day. I... Don't feel well. I feel powerless and weak. I have seen first-hand that my parents would never accept me for who I truly am. I found out something lately. Every time I saw a trans woman, I could feel my blood boil. I found out... that it wasn't because I disliked transgender people. I wanted to be one.

Of course, I can admit it here. I want to be a woman. I want to be pretty, to be loved... And I know that, probably, that'll never happen. People at my school just see me as an autistic kid from which they ask homework when they need some. People exploit the fact that I'm extremely weak emotionally to their favor.

It all happened yesterday. I saw a video in Youtube of a trans woman telling her Highschool experiences with gender dysphoria. They were terrifyingly accurate with the things I was feeling... and I'll admit it. I felt so horrible while watching the video. It felt like being a wild animal in a cage, only able to watch other wild animals roam free and happily wherever they want. I can't do anything. I'm not anyone. I'm simply an insecure 16 year old.

She was able to achieve her goal, and she had other supporting her... why couldn't I...

I feel so isolated from others and myself. I have no one supporting me. No one asks me what I want. What I desire.

I desire to be a woman. and the thing I know about myself is that it's a strong feeling. I'm not making it up.

I just hate feeling like this so much. I hate knowing that, despite any path I choose to take, no one will love me regardless.

Not even my parents. I understand they want the best for me, but... they are the same ones that threatened me to never forgive me and take me out of their will if I ever come out as something. They would rather forgive me for murder than for choosing to be gay. And I'm not coming up with that, my mother told that to me.

I just... want to be a woman.

At the same time, I know I can't.

I feel like I have NO control over my own life.

I'm stuck like this for... who knows how long.

I stopped feeling comfortable with myself a long time ago.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm myself not a suicidal person, but...

I'm here because I need advice. I acknowledge that, maybe, I'm the wrong one, and I'm willing to accept that, if it is true.

What do you think about "social media detox"?

It's good?

It's bad?

I'm happy and stable but I think that I need to focus on more important things than spending time on social media

I am sorry that I'm here again to vent about the same things, but I have nowhere else to go, no one to talk to IRL. No one. I wish that that was an exaggeration- if you haven't seen things I've said before my previous posts (I think others can access them here? I can't tell, if not, oops) they have more detail of things. I just really, really needed this out, especially after an awful day with my doctor trying to take away medication that I need to live. She ultimately didn't, I fought too hard and gave her nothing that would let her, but it was clear she wanted to take everything from me just because I live different. Am different.

Home.

That's all I want, is to be able to sit in my room, or on the couch in a place and know that I'm home. I'm supposed to be here, I have safe people around me, I belong and am wanted here. To not feel like, every second of everyday, every moment I'm just waiting for someone to hurt me in some manner. For the government to do or try to do more to declare me unworthy of life.

I am intersex and trans, the government is trying to kill us off, you cannot deny it. If you genuinely still think you can, you're either blind or evil. Or both.

It is, Trump and his cronies are, trying to kill us. He's declared us not to exist, yet also says we should die, is doing anything in his power to make our very existence in itself a crime when all we want is to be ourselves and to live like everyone else. My state in particular just took trans and intersex people out of the Civil Rights Act, so the moment he would succeed, my life would be forfeit.

I'm mixed race, and look at the act from the 1700s he just enacted, allowing him to deport whoever he wants despite being a citizen declaring them dangerous aliens, create internment camps. Look at it. How long until he imprisons and deports lgbtqia2p people as a whole?

We have seen how this goes before, yet no one is stopping it, there are people outside the US blaming all of the country (even us who have been screaming for help and who screamed for people not to let him win) for it. We are just as culpable to them, so there's no chance we'll be granted asylum if we tried to flee. Not until we're being slaughtered in the streets.

I never really felt at home in this world at all, as a whole, I am going to die a slow and painful death under this regime and there's no way around it. As I said, I'm intersex and trans, also disabled and chronically ill. So many targets on my back. I keep begging for help to get out and everyone just tells me I'm, "not valuable," as a citizen so I need to become it or perish really.

Yes, I've been told straight up I am not valuable- even by other transfolk.

My own community is leaving me (and others like me), in the dust because I'm disabled and intersex, because I need "too much" help. Because I am "too much." Again, actual quote.

I just want to be healthy, figure out what I need to do to feel better, get everything back on track so I can study forensics like I wanted. Either anthropology or psychology. To get the hell out of here, away from the people hurting me (within my home and in the country) and find someone who loves me, who will protect me and vice versa, maybe make the loving family I never got to have. I want to adopt, I am infertile, children with a spouse and maybe run some sort of cat cafe. I don't know. I have so many dreams, so many wants, ranging from quite simple to more complex.

I want to live, and I barely even got to yet, trapped with abusive "family" that deliberately kept me sick and sad and dependent so they could do who knows what. I still don't know what their goal was ultimately.

Why do I have to justify my existence? Why do I have to be valuable to deserve to live, to deserve to smile, to deserve anything? Why do the beliefs of people that think a "loving god" flooded the world just because he was angry at his own creations, who apparently is the god of mercy yet wants to kill anyone who doesn't believe in him, matter more than a living breathing thing people can SEE?

I don't even know what I believe anymore. I was raised Evangelical on my dad's side, Catholic on my mother's, had the rapture shoved down my throat starting age eight and had my aunt try to exorcise me at fifteen or so for clear signs of abuse and just... Being me. Why are the opinions of people like that worth more than lives?

... Home.

I just want to go home, but I don't know if that ever existed for me in the first place, or ever will. I wish so badly I had someone to take me there, someone I trusted to go to for refuge, but I don't.

If it wasn't extremely unsafe and 99.9% likely to end in disaster, I'd start begging random people on the internet from better countries to come and smuggle me there (so to be clear I am NOT DOING THAT I just wish so badly I could get out of here...).

i am 41 years old and i am a woman and i am so damn tired of my own brain!!! ten years ago i cheated on my husband and yeah i know how that sounds and i know what people think and honestly i have thought it all myself a thousand times already!!! it was one stupid messy year of my life when i felt invisible and angry and bored and selfish and i made a choice that still sticks to me like gum on a shoe!!! my husband never found out and before you ask yes that fact alone makes me feel like a fake grown adult with a mortgage and a calm smile and a dirty secret!!! i go to work i cook dinner i pay bills i say thank you and sorry and good morning like a normal person while my head randomly screams remember that thing you did!!! it pops up when i am folding laundry or driving or brushing my teeth and i just want my brain to shut the hell up!!! i have read articles i have heard therapists say forgive yourself and move on and yeah sure sounds cute in theory!!! i even wrote it down once like some motivational crap from a podcast quote “you are not your worst mistake” and i laughed because wow that felt fake!!! i am rude to myself about it all the time and i replay the nights and the lies and the thrill and the shame and i hate that part of me and also hate that i cannot delete it!!! how do you stop thinking about something when your mind treats it like unpaid debt!!! do you ever feel like you already served the sentence but your brain keeps adding years!!!

i am trying though and i want to say that out loud because maybe someone needs to hear it!!! i am trying to stop beating myself with the same stick every damn day!!! i remind myself that ten years is a long time and i am not that woman anymore even if she still lives in my memory!!! i remind myself that guilt is not the same as accountability and that endless punishment is not noble it is just dumb!!! sometimes i literally say out loud shut up already and it helps a bit!!! sometimes i tell myself this is not useful thinking and i move on like a tired manager closing a bad meeting!!! i think about how many good years i have given my marriage since then and how many honest moments exist now!!! i read somewhere maybe in a random book or a stupid tweet that said “thoughts are just thoughts not commands” and yeah that stuck with me!!! i am hopeful in a quiet stubborn way!!! i think healing is boring and slow and annoying and not poetic at all!!! but maybe stopping the thinking is not about erasing it and more about not feeding it!!! so i ask you reading this do you have something old and rotten that your brain drags out for no reason!!! do you also want to move the hell on and live!!! if so maybe we both start today and decide that enough is enough!!! because honestly life is short and i am done letting one bad chapter act like the whole damn book!!!

I just needed a place to rant this out without the other side being a loved one or friend….I’m not well, I go to therapy twice a week at this point and the more I’m aware of how my mind works, what makes me tic, the more my thoughts race and I close off from loved ones. My history with relationships hasn’t been a great one, littered with bad endings and abusive partners…it’s like I’m a magnet for negative energy. I’m trying to heal but with my recent finding of I’m going threw PMDD (just putting a name to the mental hell I was already going threw) I feel hyper away of my thoughts and my emotional spirals and I can’t help to think my loved ones lie to me when they say I’m not a burden and it’s ok….im sure they’d drop me for someone more stable who involved less work…so I sit here and cry thinking it would just be easer to be in another abusive relationship so I wouldn’t worry about being a burden…that it was just the treatment my broken mind deserved and I could forever just live in this chaos I seem to feel calm in vs being always unsettled in the tamed relaxed environment I’m finding in my recent relationships….its just easer to be used then loved is how my brain takes it…what would you do if your mind just wanted to relax in the arms of the ones who abused you?

My bf: I don't want to go canoeing with you. It sounds like work, and I'm too busy anyway! Now here's something really fun, how about your drive me to my friend's daughter's who you've met 3 times's high school graduation and accompany me at her graduation party for 8 hours? Oh, and no drinking because you're the driver! Doesn't that sound like fun and not work?

Quick backstory, I'm between 13-16 atm, just to give a rough age range so you get an idea. I am a minor and this is how my home is.

I'll first introduce you to my family! Mother: in 50's Father:in 50's Older Brother: 20+ I also have other siblings but that doesn't matter too much.

My mother has stage 4 cancer and is extremely childish and easily irratated. She lacks empathy and often talks about her self and how much worse she has it when I talk to her about anything.

My father is an alcoholic, who works most hours of the week and spends his one day off, (monday) golfing with friends. He is often not home and extremely close minded and absent in my life. Refuses to go to the hospital or believe in medicine since "men are strong enough, and if I die, I die." Therefore I don't know if he'll die tomorow. :) (He makes up most the income we make and so if he dies soon, I am kinda screwed.)

My brother is on the spectrum, has ADHD and works a job atm. Extremely mentally unstable and has had therapy.

I'll just talk about yesterday as an example. My brother had another mental breakdown where he went on a rampage, screaming and breaking things. Heres a small list of what he broke yesterday, a set of joycons, a metal soldering kit and a ceramic bowl (With a hammer). This was all done when he panics, he also threw out a laptop he broke the day before that still partially works that he can easily use as he said him self. But he threw it out since he finds it hard to look at since its something he broke when he had a mental breakdown. He has been screaming at the top of his lungs and since he is taller and stronger than my parents, I am terrified that he would cause harm to members of my family. Not to mention I get terrible anxiety when he screams since I have trauma of him screaming in the middle of the night that he was going to off him self two years ago. In the same year, he has also stabbed scissors into his hand right infront of me and he passed out multiple times.

If I bring up any issues, my parents tell me that they have it much worse. Which is true, I run and hide when my brother has a mental breakdown but my parents need to deal with them, but I don't feel like they care about me at all. My sister is also mental and silently struggles and the other one also is mental. Life is great :,)

(Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense. I'm horrible with grammer and I wrote this quickly :,))

Thanks for caring enough to read this, this alone is more than my parents do for me now days.

I don't feel like I have any friends in this life. I feel alone, completely alone, with no one to accompany me. I feel like I'm just going my own way in life, going nowhere. I don't feel good with the people I'm with; I feel hatred, anger, and other negative emotions. I feel like running away from where I am because I feel like everyone is acting like automatons, like completely irrational beings, because they don't consider the consequences of their actions. They live shaping the future, and the worst part is that you can't say anything to them because they understand that's just how they are, as if it were some kind of curse.

I'm with a girl who's there for me, who reciprocates my feelings, for no other reason than guilt, and unfortunately, blatant guilt, because she believed something that only existed in her head about me. I don't feel like anyone else is there for me, not even her friend, whom I also loved very much. I feel like everyone is there for me, that they reciprocate my feelings, for no other reason than because of what they did to me. Under different circumstances, they would all distance themselves from me, precisely to prevent their future mistakes stemming from their prejudices and their own intolerance. I don't feel comfortable where I am and I want to leave, but I don't know where to go, given that I lack the financial means to do so, and besides, I abandoned my career. I feel completely trapped, and everyone is extremely insecure. Nobody trusts anyone, and everyone is focused on maintaining their status. It's obvious that their thoughts are running wild, just like that, trying, in direct ways, at least in my case, to treat me the same as everyone else, when that's not the case, and their hypocrisy goes unseen. What kind of environment am I in? I can't even trust the therapists because they seem imposing and aggressive. They all live in a world completely detached from reality, a world built solely on a few observations and many prejudices.

I don't feel capable of being among them; in fact, I feel like I'm suffocating, like they don't really want me, and it hurts because it's like falling into the same place again. It's the same with this girl, just like with my sister, who was only with me out of sheer guilt for everything she did to me in the past, and who, after having the chance, simply ran away. I feel like I'm relating to her the way I am only so that, the moment she leaves, I won't have any excuse to say anything behind her back. I feel hypocritical, without friends, without affection, and I can't find anyone who can help me in any way. I feel like nobody really takes the world of relationships seriously and acts according to its workings, with caution, but instead they're looking for a completely idealized, unrealistic world. My ex-therapist lives in her own world, absolutely not. The last time I was with her, I went my own way and she went hers, instead of working as a team. What a failure I am as a person. I'm looking for support, help with my life, and for support, a team is essential. However, she doesn't seem to understand that, even though she should, especially since she's a professor at a leading academic institution.

I feel like disappearing. I feel like I'm just a suck-up to the bosses, doing it for the benefit of the other employees, who, in reality, are more like people who crush me in some way, who are jealous of what I've achieved through my honest effort. I feel like none of them can admit they're not earning their living the right way. I don't feel loved, embraced, or even like I'm attractive to women. I haven't had sex in my entire life, not even a girlfriend, and I feel like I'm missing out. For God's sake, I just want a normal life like everyone else. Is that so hard? I want to sleep with a woman, not so much with a man because it's not my thing, and explore her body and have her explore mine, like many people do. I don't want to deviate from the norm, not at all.

I confess that I feel scared by all the new things I'm experiencing, things that are beneficial, wonderful, and pleasant. It's like feeling like the new boss of the place, but it's not easy to leave behind that painful past I came from. I feel like I'm doing well, really well, but seeing that I've achieved this is hard to believe. Indeed, I return to that past in my feelings, but that already shows that I'm leaving it behind, that I have a new life. I needed to express these words. I feel like I sometimes come across as very harsh, of course, I've acted alone, on my own, and therefore I've taken the plunge along with all my fears. Now, I'm seeing them because I no longer use them.

I know it's contradictory to everything I've said before, but I already feel better, more content, more comfortable. I feel like I'm in control now, and that's comforting. The situation with the girl is beneficial; she's like my sister, because there are already reasons for her to get closer, reasons that They are a reason for it, and at the same time, they seem to please her. I feel her becoming more and more open to me, and that pleases me. I confess that before, I spoke in a somewhat different and even seemingly technical language; however, it helps me to use those phrases responsibly in everyday language. I feel comfortable speaking in this way. I feel that I can't tell everyone this. My path has consisted precisely of handling words with prudence, since I know where they come from, and therefore I can now express the facts of what happens to me in a way that others can understand, or at least get an idea of, as happens with everything we share, if we think about it. I feel I have a good therapist; however, I feel we're at odds because I was focused on talking things through completely, while she preferred to act based on specific elements. But this friction is what allows me to see how she works and thus take advantage of her approach. This, in turn, leads me to attend her sessions conscientiously. I won't give her the power to decide whether or not I see her, because I can't entrust any part of my life to anyone.

At least in our work, they are respectful and congruent, to the extent that they can be. Sometimes, I observe that they don't know how to position themselves and get stuck, but that's natural given how cautiously we've always developed our approach; it's not something that's common for them—in fact, it's quite exceptional. I feel like I'm doing well, emerging from a shell, thankfully, where I only saw my past, which I now understand through my own expressions and interpretations. This shell gave me a huge scare; I thought everything was lost and that all my work had been a complete failure. I did all this without a therapist, not because I wanted to—I wish it had been that way—but the person I sought for support became an obstacle to the opposite, in fact, to returning to my old life. Things got to the point where they're no longer even part of my life, precisely because of their overbearing nature. I had to take control of my life and not put it in the hands of an irresponsible person again.

so, like, my ex keeps trying to contact me and it’s super annoying!!! I thought we were done when we broke up a few months ago, but he just won’t take a hint. I even blocked him on all social media platforms but somehow he still finds a way to message me??? like, how? I mean, is it really that hard for him to understand that I don’t want to talk to him anymore? I’m 22 and just trying to live my life; I don’t need this drama!!! 😩

the worst part is, he sometimes sends me these really inappropriate texts and, honestly, it makes me feel so uncomfortable. who does that? like, hello, I don’t want to receive those kinds of messages. it’s like he has no respect for me or my boundaries at all!!! I tried responding nicely the first few times, hoping he would get it. I was like, “hey, please stop texting me, I’m not interested,” but he just brushes it off and tries again. it’s exhausting!!! 😒

I even thought about changing my number, but then I realized that wouldn’t solve the problem because if he finds me on Instagram or any other platform, it just repeats itself. I really don’t want to keep playing this game of cat and mouse! I don’t want to have those awkward confrontations where I have to explain why I don’t want to talk to him... it just feels so unnecessary and, to be honest, a little embarrassing. isn’t it sad that it’s reached this point? 😳 I’m trying to think of a way to cut him off for good; I'm considering reporting and blocking but that feels like a whole thing;

I guess my question is, what should I even do next? has anyone been in a similar situation? I just want peace but this keeps dragging on and it’s getting super old! sometimes it feels like he thinks we’re still together or something and it’s confusing!!! I know I need to stand my ground but all this back and forth is just too much. ugh, I wish I could just turn back time and avoid all of this drama! anyone have advice? please help!!! 🙏

It's winter, and I'm on my way to work using the local bus. My stop is at the end of the route, so buses usually stop for about 5-10 minutes before continuing.

I approached the bus and found the entry door shut. I knocked lightly to let the driver know I was there. He opened the door and said, "I'm on my break," then closed it again.

I stood there, baffled, trying to understand what just happened. So, fine, I'll wait. Five minutes later, I'm still outside in the freezing cold. I knocked again, normally, but the driver ignored me. I knocked once more, and he finally opened the door, saying, "Why are you being so rude? Can't you see I'm on my break?" I replied, "Man, it's cold. What's wrong with letting me in? You just need to push a button."

He let me in after that. It was the first time this happened in my six years of using public transport. Normally, the buses have the doors open for people to get on.

Looking back, it's really silly, but I wanted to share for a laugh. If this happened on a reality show, I wonder how people would react. Would they think I was the jerk or sympathize with me standing out in the cold?

Did I do something wrong?

I can relate to vecna, or henry with the cave, or memories. If I try to think back on my childhood theres a thick wall of darkness. Not so much scared. Or maybe I am. But so much hides behind it

When I look back most of the happy memories that are easily recalled were spent hiding at my second families home, the ?.

Me and my best mate Mark have been friends since high school, so for over 10 years now. A girl named Sarah joined our friend group and hung out with us quite a bit. I started to like her, but so did he. About a month after we met her, he told me that he liked her. I tried to wingman him while continuing to shut out my emotions as I've done since a very traumatic year that I went through. He continued trying to talk to her without much success for a few months/a year. She went on a trip to America and started to talk a lot with me, and we got to know each other quite well.

At this point, I still emotionally distanced myself from her since I knew he liked her. While she was in America, I got asked out on a date by another girl and suddenly started going through a lot of emotions I hadn't felt in a long time and realized that I actually got butterflies when Sarah talked to me. I started talking to her a lot more and she helped me buy new clothes when she came back from America. I talked to Mark to ask if he was still trying with her, and he said he had mixed feelings.

Me and Sarah made plans to go to the beach today and while we were there, we started talking. I got caught up in the moment and asked her if she would like to try dating. She said yes. Later that night, I wanted to be clear with my friend about what happened and that I was going to start dating Sarah. He got really pissed and hung up, and now I feel like an asshole. I wanted to get an outside opinion on if I actually was an asshole. Sorry for the rant, and I already have an idea of what the answer is but want to know your thoughts.

If I was on a reality show, I wonder how the reaction would be. Would people think I'm a backstabber or just a guy who followed his heart? How would the audience judge this situation?