Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Where do I look? I don't know where to look. I confess that I have a hard time looking at myself much. I have so many things scattered throughout my life that I don't know. I confess, and I must be clear, that I've completely abandoned my life. It's true; I feel like I know nothing about myself, absolutely nothing. I don't know what conditions I live in. I feel like I'm constantly carrying all that weight. I have a hard time looking at myself. I feel like it's strange for me.

In principle, what does it mean to look at myself? I don't know. I haven't asked myself how I am for a while. I just follow a vague routine and that's it. I don't know about my life. I've never asked myself how I am with my relationships. I feel like I've neglected that because I don't nurture them; I think that's why I don't possess them, unless they really catch my attention. What is it like to look at yourself? How is everything structured? Where do I start? What does it mean to be with yourself?

I have a hard time looking inside myself because, even though I don't know, I don't know why there are so many things. I feel a sovereign distaste for such a depth. It bothers me that I can't tap into it immediately. What questions do I ask myself first? Am I good? Am I bad? Am I this or that? I have no reference to refer to myself. It's scarce. I've always been concerned with measuring myself through others, so that their comments, due to their very content, don't affect me, and that's precisely why I maintain a limiting dependence on them.

I feel like I've never reached myself. I have depth in my words, but I feel like I've never penetrated myself. I feel that, to begin with, it must be said, I'm disgusted by my life because I don't take care of my hygiene. I tend to be lazy with it because of the tiredness it causes me to go through the motions of maintaining it. I dislike it, but at the same time I like it because it allows me to live far from how I lived at home.

I feel like my life is precisely a radical escape from the life I had with my mother and father, especially during my upbringing. I had a very heavy life, and now I try to make it as light as possible, unfortunately, going to extremes, apparently. In fact, I don't even want to have clean clothes. I only live for the sake of no one noticing what's going on. Now that I think about it, the mere idea of ​​living with myself makes me hide.

Also, I feel like I wouldn't live with myself because I feel like I'd point out things about myself, highlight strange things that I don't want anyone else to see, including, apparently, me. I just let myself go and I'm not aware of what I'm doing. Deep down, I feel like I'm bathing in a deep sadness and I play with it. In a way, I feel like I'm overcoming it, challenging it, even though it's there. It's an attitude that wasn't allowed either.

I live to do what my system of rules, with which I was raised, breaks down completely. In fact, I feel like I'm still a teenager, I confess. I dislike it partly because I'm getting bored of being in constant conflict with it. I feel it's time to stop fighting that upbringing. I don't feel like it's doing me any good, and in fact, I feel like it's causing a lot of noise right now.

That is to say, I feel like I have a life, or I've reached a structure, with which I like and dislike. Again, on the terrain of rebellion. I feel like I don't know, I must say, what I really want with my life. I've reached a deep stagnation. When will I get out? I don't know, in principle, what my tastes are. I feel like I haven't fully emerged.

Nothing has come out of that struggle with my belief system yet. It used to be that it brought me tremendous benefit, however, I've reached a point where it's no longer necessary. In fact, in the environments I frequent, it's no longer necessary; rather, it's superfluous. It's become dispensable. I need to know what can emerge from this struggle, a dialectic, as they would say in philosophy.

I've reached the point of reflecting on: Who am I? I swore I had that answer a long time ago, however, I've only explored what I had to say about the things I experience, which has given me the ability to be at this point where I ask myself that question: Who am I? What do I do in this world? What purpose can I serve society? Why do I exist? Why do I spend time with the people I spend time with? Why am I alone and not accompanied? Would I be better off being accompanied than alone? Why is it worth continuing to live? I feel like I have so many questions to answer; I'd never asked myself them, and during my upbringing, they were truly unthinkable.

The one that stands out most to me now is: Why don't I pursue what I love? Right now, I see myself in the worst voices, but they come from voices that aren't mine, but rather my parents', so they aren't guiding. Why do I do what I do? I feel that, essentially, I don't have a reason for what I do, something that gives it meaning. I feel like I live without knowing why I act, what drives me, and I confess, I'm totally unaware of that. I see myself acting, simply, based on maintaining the organic relationship between things without actually going anywhere beyond that.

I think the question that plagues me right now is, and I think it encompasses everything: Where do I have to go? What is that place? What do I have to follow? I find myself without that reference. Why have I allowed myself to go so long without that reference? I don't understand. How have I been able to live without one? Now the question is: Is it a reference? Or is it admitting that no such reference exists? Personally, I think the most important thing is to unburden this area, which, in effect, I think we can talk about as an existential crisis.

I have a big family that’s incredibly close. We have big family dinners every few months where we all meet at my great grandfather's estate and eat together. Typically, how this works is that the women go cook for the time they’re there and the men don’t, which I am fully aware is sexist as hell. That being said, I am one of the youngest people in the family and my protests mean literally nothing.

Some of those women choose not to cook; however, this is usually met with a level of ostracizing. The women who don’t cook are wives and long-term girlfriends, so they kinda already have a good family relationship established. When I have seen new partners not cook, it’s gone bad. Like completely ostracized, not speaking, cattiness, rudeness, etc.

This dinner will be in two weeks and my girlfriend was asked if she would attend. Initially, she said yes, which is great. I want for her to meet everyone and for everyone to get used to her being around, but when I explained to her the tradition, she was understandably bothered.

I told her that I understood where she was coming from; however, it was best for everyone if she just played along. I told her this isn’t a permanent thing and that I am only asking her to do this so that she can avoid bad treatment from the rest of the family. This is her first impression and I don’t think it’s best if we cause waves.

She told me that it’s unacceptable and that if she has to do that, she will not be going. I’ve tried to find a compromise with her on this, but she won’t budge and she’s pissed at me. She told me that if I think it’s acceptable to make her do this, I’m just as bad as everyone else, while my point is that she needs to make a good first impression.

Imagine if this was a reality show. How do you think my family and my girlfriend's reactions would play out on TV? Would the audience side with me, understanding the family dynamics, or would they see me as a villain for pushing her into such a sexist tradition?

Since this is a place specifically designed for venting, I feel a bit more comfortable speaking here. I am a 21 year old girl who's in college right now, trying to figure out life and such. I am away from home for college and I miss my city so much. I am going towards a career that does not pay that well. I am not even that interested in it...just that I know it's something I can do. I have a few friends in this city who are nice people but none of them vent so I can't burden them with my story. Besides, their lives are much more interesting than mine. One has a friend she speaks to on a daily basis, two others have boyfriends and a lot of other friends with whom they can always have a conversation. My friends in this city have many other friends to talk to but all I have are them. If I tell them this, I am pretty sure I would be treated much differently but it won't be better, it would just be with more caution. I don't like that, I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable around me. The friend who I used to vent to is now busy all the time and she makes a lot of decisions in her life that only messes things up as she's enjoying the risks. She tells me I can speak to her about everything and it used to be that way but now that she's busy, most of my long messages get lost in the void of things she's into. I tell her that we can speak about my issues later because she has worse things going on for her. But deep down, I really do wish she would one day just listen to me and tell me what I need to hear. She always knew what to say...but nowadays she's looking to speak to me about her problems and I can't deny that because I know she would give me a listen if she was available too. My ex who I'm friends with and not completely over, he's busy too and when I vent I just don't get much...sometimes when I break down, he does help me but I don't want my brain to hold on till I let it out. I am going through a lot and I don't want to keep it in like that. And I often lash out at him for not listening to me. I should stop doing that... because of the relationship I had with him, I keep thinking he should be listening to me. But no one is entitled to that, especially since he's also very busy (and often gets sick) and he shouldn't be coming back from work all tired just to hear me vent. I feel like everyone's got someone but I've got no one.

I want to try getting closer to my friends in the city but since they already have friends they talk to, they don't need me for it. So it's very one-sided and unfair. I don't want to be in this situation.

whywhywhywhy

they hurt me but I don't know if its worth it to hold on to the anger. I don't really need to hate them anymore. so what do I do.

[ this is taken directly from a desktop file I made recently. it was originally supposed to act as a message, but not anymore. take this into account. ]

hello. i won't say your name, you probably don't want me to speak it anyway. i look over all the shitty things you said to strangers about me every day. it reminds me of how you really think of me rather than how you want me to think. and yet you still wonder why i cut myself off. ironic, isn't it? all those things you said about me not understanding you, even if you did the same thing back to me tenfold. how funny must it be to make a big point about leaving me behind only to talk shit about me when i take a break? when i express my own beliefs and opinions rather than yours? when i do anything that you don't like? even if i didn't even know? and yet, i didn't cut you off for myself. ironically, i did it for you. you're making new friends, glorifying them to me as if i'm nothing. as if you're looking at me and saying 'see these people? let me tell you just how much better friends they are'. stop telling me what you think i want to hear. two-faced.

-b

hey, im tj and i would like to vent.

my life sucks and i feel as if i dont matter.

my sister is constantly rude to me, my mom is busy and doesnt have time to talk and my dad would belittle me if i tell him aboutt my struggles.

the only people keeping me alive are my friends.

No I'm not the Joker. I had an unnecessary argument with some trolls online. It made me realize that I hate how everyone's an asshole and no one wants to have conversations or be civil. Even is always in the right even if they're wrong, especially influencers, they can't take accountability for their actions at all. I hate how billionaires get a free pass on taxes while some people in my country are debating between rent and food. I wanna go back to pre-iPhone era or go back to when we had trains. To be honest, I'd rather not exist at all.

My family was eager to have pets, so we ended up adopting a mixed breed dog from the local shelter and two kittens. While everyone enjoyed playing with the new additions, the task of actually taking care of them fell entirely on my shoulders.

Every morning at 5:30 a.m., I was the one taking the dog for walks, cleaning the litter boxes, handling all the vet visits, buying and preparing their meals, and tidying up their feeding areas. If I left any of these tasks to my partner or the kids, they would either forget or do such a sloppy job that I ended up having to redo it anyway.

The situation was similar with the house plants and the indoor herb and vegetable garden my partner decided to start. They lost interest after the initial excitement, leaving me to deal with the aftermath of neglected plants: dead leaves, spilled soil, and pest infestations. If I didn’t step in to water and care for them, no one would.

Maintaining a clean and orderly home is important to me, especially since I grew up in a household that hoarded animals, resulting in a living environment that was far from ideal. I’m determined not to let history repeat itself in my own home. Unfortunately, if I don’t keep on top of the pets’ needs, the consequences are immediate and messy—the cats will spray if their litter isn’t clean, and the dog will chew and cause havoc if not walked regularly.

Given the lack of initiative from my family, I’ve decided to move the pets outdoors for the time being. The dog now has a doghouse, and the cats are outdoor cats, until the family proves they can handle the responsibility of indoor pets. Of course, in extreme weather conditions, I’ll bring them back inside. The plants are going outdoors too.

I’M DONE.

Honestly, if my life was a series on a reality TV show, I can only imagine the chaos and drama my frustrations would stir up each episode. Viewers would probably be divided; some might sympathize with my plight while others could argue that my measures are too drastic. It would definitely spark debate.

If I were to be featured on a reality show, how do you think viewers would react to my actions?

I feel sad today. I miss my ex and everyone, also sad about not being able to play my genshin on a decent device! and remembered, oh I'm on the last day of my period. Don't mess with me hormones lmao

so like I've been questioning the possibility of being trans!!! but also not. because I feel like I want to be a guy, but I feel like if I transitioned, I'd end up wanting to go back, and then go back again and again and I just don't know. And if I were biologically a guy it would be the same; want to be a girl, transition, want to go back, go back, want to transition again over and over. it's so weird and I don't understand it. It's not like being gender fluid, where it changes; it's like being both but also one or the other and also neither ALL AT THE SAME TIME ALWAYS. It's so weird and I don't have a label to stick on myself or pronouns or anything

BUT also good thing my mom said I can go to the Renaissance Faire in three weeks so maybe that'll take my mind off of my whole gender thing

I feel like I use to be such a creative writer my imagination was on 100 then adult life happened and just like they say math if I don’t keep up with it you will end up loosing your mojo I feel like lost my imagination groove If that makes sense. I was more into fantasy fiction. Now I’m like stuck like unable to get a short story out I’m a teacher schools out I was figuring getting a part time giving myself some short story pts to r get back into writing everyday but now that I’m sitting in front of the computer drawing blanks . And if something does come out it sounds like every other Netflix movie I do occasionally write thrillers but it’s just not working. Not having any fresh ideas how do I break this cycle maybe some exercises. Anyone else dealt with writers block

so, here's the thing, my brother and i have this classic sibling rivalry that honestly feels like it's straight out of every cliche sitcom ever. he's got this knack for tearing down whatever small accomplishments i manage to muster, and then somehow, he flips the whole scenario around like he's doing some circus trick. it's kinda like "hey, there buddy, i was just being tough on you to make you stronger"...when in fact, his words just sting, you know? 🤷‍♂️ i mean, we've all been there, trying to find that delicate balance between accepting sibling criticism as "constructive" and realizing it's just mean-spirited jabs dipped in sarcasm. sometimes i wonder if he's ever taken the time to be a bit more gentle with his words, especially knowing that i'm, well, still figuring things out.

let's paint a more clear picture; it's sunday brunch... our family tradition, right? the plan's always like, grab a plate and spill some tea. today, however, just as i'm reminiscing with my folks about how well my recent soccer game went, the guy leans back, smirking, and tosses in this zinger, "yeah, if only the other team had scored as much as your footprints on the field, maybe they'd have bought you lunch!" sure, maybe it sounds amusing, but there's always this underlying tone that transcends playful banter into the realm of something a bit harsher. ever hear the theory that siblings push buttons no one else knows exist? that's us in a nutshell, except he seems to have installed a new set of buttons altogether! why is it so difficult for him to understand the concept of cheerleading instead of constantly acting like a comedian at my expense?

still, amidst all this chaos, i've decided not just to endure but to try and redefine our dynamic. instead of falling into the pitfall of dramatics, i figured, why not spin his antics positively, kind of like killing him with kindness, as they say. maybe i could even subtly emulate the ancient stoic practice; you know, focusing on controlling my reaction to his remarks rather than expecting his behavior to change overnight. and, who knows? maybe one day, he'll realize that sometimes, the loudest applause for a sibling is a quiet word of support rather than a clever quip. ever feel like you’re in a one-way sibling telepathy session? 'cause i sure do, always hoping for that lightbulb moment. perhaps there's a book or a podcast out there? like "sibling diplomacy: a guide to cultivating camaraderie?" i'm game for suggestions if anyone's got them!..

I have recently cut off my cousin due to some reasons. We were really close and it hurt to do that but i had to. My best friend knew her too. So lately my best friend and i have been drifting apart and idek why. She hangs out with my cousin but we have not been able to even have one conversation alone without it being awkward. I understand maybe she wants feels bad and wants to be there for my cousin but shouldn’t she be here for me too?. I feel like she is choosing her over me . Idk what i am feeling and my heart feels so heavy and i miss both of them so much.

Huh I knew it they are watching me whatever I post here they are reading it 🙄🙄🙄

i know it sound stupid to some ppl, like just another weird fear or whatever, but i swear this thing is real for me. i can’t stop thinkin about it—losing my mind, my memories, my self. dementia, alzheimer’s, all that… it terrifies me. like deep in my bones kind of fear. i’ll be sittin there watchin tv or just layin in bed, and boom, it hits me. “what if i forget who i am one day? what if i forget my mom, or where i live, or how to talk?” nd it ain’t even like i’m old or anything, i’m only 27, but the thought never leaves. it started after my grandma passed. she had alzheimer’s nd near the end she didn’t even remember me, nd that messed me up fr. i’d go visit her, nd she’d smile at me like i was a stranger, callin me names of people long gone. it was like watchin her fade while still breathin. nd now it’s like every little thing i forget makes me panic. forgot where i left my keys? maybe it’s startin. called someone by the wrong name? brain’s probly already slippin.

i keep tryin to tell myself it’s just anxiety, that i’m overthinkin, but it don’t help. i’ve googled the symptoms so many times i basically memorized the whole list. nd now it’s like i’m constantly watchin myself, checkin if i’m rememberin stuff right, testin myself with lil memory games in my head like a freak. sometimes i won’t even enjoy a moment cause i’m too scared i won’t remember it. nd that’s the worst part honestly. the fear is stealin the life i’m tryin to protect. like i’ll be hangin with friends nd instead of laughin, i’m thinkin “ok remember this, what are we talkin about? who’s here? what time is it?” nd if i mess up just once it’s like my whole body goes cold. my chest gets tight, my head spins, i start spiralin like “this is it, it’s happening, i’m losing it.” no one really gets it either. they just be like “bro ur fine” or “you’re too young for that stuff.” nd i know they mean well, but it don’t help. it just makes me feel more alone.

sometimes i feel like i’m already gone a little, like the fear itself is eatin away at me. it’s not even just memory loss i’m scared of—it’s losing me. who i am, what i love, the people i care about. i see older people walkin down the street lookin confused and i can’t help but wonder, “were they like me once?” did they have the same thoughts, the same fears, and then one day it all just slipped? maybe i sound crazy, but it’s real to me. nd i don’t kno how to stop it. therapy helped a bit but i still have bad days. sometimes real bad. nd i just sit there in the dark, tryin to hold onto everything i can remember, like if i think hard enough it’ll all stay. maybe it’s irrational, maybe i got some kinda health anxiety or whatever, but it feels like this shadow followin me everywhere i go. nd no matter how fast i run, it’s always there. this fear of forgettin, of fading, of losin who i am. dementophobia. that’s the word i found online. nd it’s ugly, it’s heavy, and it’s real as hell.