Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

i am ussaily a kind person. i take care of my family whether it be my adoptive parents and siblings or my biological family. i have always wondered though why doesnt anyone wanna take care of me? you know love me they way i love them. Now i am fine by myself most of the time but sometimes i need love too. i wanna be taken care of i wanna be asked how my day was or how am i today. but its like no one is really worried about me or what am i doing. so for me to be able to feel some kind of love i get into relationships. i was with this one boy who loved me endlessly but there were things in the relatioship i did not like. he didnt want me to be me. he didnt aprrove of my friendships or that i went to parties to drink or nothing. he just wanted me to stay home locked in my room because thats what he liked to do but i personly did not want to because of the fact that its hard for me to keep friends if i dont go out people wont nessacrily care about what i do and he knows that. and maybe he was just trying to protect me but i just couldnt do it there were so many things that differ from us. and so it fissed out after a while. and now i am single and i hear the rumors about me being spread that i cheated on him or that he cheated on me but idk imk confused but i was so desperate for love somewhere i didnt even care if he did cheat on me or not it didnt seem tht big of a deal to me. i just wanted someone to be with me through it all. now i am talking to this boy and i am asking him questions that i didnt ask my ex in the begingg because i am scared this new boy will be the same as my ex. i just want to be loved like truly loved by someone. and i dont know what to do because i do love myself but i am ready to be with someone who loves me to.

My mom has NEVER been caring or even considerate towards others since I was little, even then, I believe I only remember her that way because most children under the age of 5 cling to their mother's hip.

My mother was a hardcore drug addict up until my little brother was born (I was 4) and she was forced into rehab so she could get treatment for the cancer they discovered in her thyroid during that pregnancy. My newborn brother and I lived with my nana during that time. When my mother returned, we moved. My mother has had a pattern of constant moving most of my life, up until the age of 9.

My mom after cancer treatment was different. She's never been the same since that, not that I can remember it well. My mom became aggressive towards me, often pinning blame on me, and constantly raising her voice, she switched to constant alcohol consumption in place of the drugs. My mom became a revolving door, men came in, and went out just as quickly, most of them, if not all of them, were losers as well. Slowly over the years she's stepped further and further away from me.

If we skip ahead to when I was about 11, my mother started seeing a new guy, another loser. Soon enough, she gets pregnant with my younger sister, and the guy my mom is with leaves in the blink of an eye.

In her 9 months of pregnancy, my mom got with two other men, both of them constantly staying in the home. The second of the two stuck around, he stuck around for 3 years, but that didn't make him any better than the rest. He was verbally abusive, to me, and my 7 year old brother. My mom didn't bat an eye, saying it was "plain discipline". We would get screamed at and spat at if we forgot to open the curtains during the day or missed a spot while sweeping. It only got worse.

I used to be ahead of everyone in my classes. I was smart, now I struggle to pass classes below my grade level. I was smart until my mom and her boyfriend made me stay home from school, sometimes for weeks at a time, so that they could go out all day, with no care about my newborn sister or I. I was 12 and I was the primary caregiver for a newborn baby. My resentment towards my mother didn't just grow during that time, it had multiplied by the minute. It reached it's peak at some unmemorable point in my life. I lashed out, getting physical with her and admitting my hatred flat out. I don't remember what happened after that, but it was only a mental decline from there.

I started to neglect my sister when she was in my care, not causing her harm, but letting her cry for a few minutes before trying to calm her. I would neglect my younger brother as well, often cussing at him and stepping on his stuffed animals. I would be reprimanded when my mom an her boyfriend got home, but at that point, I didn't care. I was already upset, a bit of yelling only made me cry, I grew used to it.

Me and my brother changed drastically in those few years until my mom eventually broke up with that boyfriend and kicked him out. My mom only broke up with him because he started to lash out at her. She still keeps him around though, making him pay to see my sister, who isn't even her biological father. It's sickening. She's had multiple boyfriends since then, most I can't remember.

As much as I hate to admit it, I find myself jealous of my younger sister, who is now 5 as I write this. I feel upset by her situation as well though, and my brothers. It is of my mothers accord that I have no father figure, she cheated on him 2 weeks before they were supposed to marry. She was 7 months pregnant with me at the time.

My younger brother, and sister especially, grew close to my mothers ex, both of them starting to grow close as he continued to pay for visitations. He tried to be there for me as well, and I admired him for that, though I never clicked with him. He changed, becoming caring and kind, a real dad to my siblings. My mom never changed.

When I was about 16, my mom kicked me out and I moved into a room in my nana's friend's house. I had to live off old peanut butter and bathroom tap water the entire time, until recent, when I got a cheap dive apartment.

Eventually, without warning, my mom cut her ex out of all our lives, including mine, replacing him with what she wanted me to accept as a father figure, a familiar face. The man my mom had cheated on my father with. Apparently the guy (who we'll call J) was divorcing his wife of 10 years, and got back with my mom, moving in with her and my siblings. It's cruel. I know my mom only cut he ex out of my siblings lives because she thinks J is going to be upset with her, and possibly leave her, for still having her ex around.

Now she's begging me to come home, saying J misses me. He left her when I was two. I don't know him.

My entire family, excluding my little sister, hates my mother. We all know what she is. She a self-centered, filthy excuse for a woman.

Recent examples to justify my personal distaste towards my mother include :

When I left mainstream school and got put into alternative school because of constant bullying and harassment. At the interview with the principal of the alternative school, my mom constantly spoke over him, making it hard for me to hear what he was saying. She turned the 20 minute interview into a 2 hour interview by not allowing me to speak, answering the principals question for me with incorrect answers, all while using her fake sweet and professional voice. She spent most of the time rambling on about how she was a cancer survivor, a single mom, and how she was going back to school for a social work degree. The principal had to reminder her multiple times that he was interviewing me, not her.

Another example is when I booked my own appointment at my GP's office to discuss my meds and get an up on my dose. My mom called me while I was leaving, wanting me to come over and babysit. She asked what I was doing, and when I told her I was leaving the GP's office because I just got my dose increased she snapped at me, saying I made her look like a bad mother and I need to tell her these things (I was living with my nana at the time by the way. I rarely spoke to my mom at the time unless she needed me to lend her money or babysit).

I feel upset when I see my sister because she's grown into a little version of my mother, and my mom's killing her. My mom blames everything but herself, saying my sister must have a genetic disorder. My mom feeds my sister to keep her quiet. My sister weighs over 100lbs at the age of 5, she has leg issues due to this, as well as respiratory and cardiological issues. She's slowly dying, and my mom fails to acknowledge that, too occupied with herself.

My mother angers me, and I need to express that. My mother ruined me.

Growing up as mixed race (Black father and white mother), I've become somewhat accustomed to navigating predominantly white spaces in the UK. However, a recent visit to my mum and her partner Peter, who've been together for more than a decade, reminded me of the unique challenges I still face. They reside in a quaint Welsh village, distinctively monochromatic in its demographic, but usually, this is an environment I'm used to.

This visit, I decided to offer a hand with some gardening tasks, pulling weeds out front when Peter struck up a conversation with a neighbor, Robert, and brought me over to meet him. Within our initial exchange, after mentioning I was visiting from London for a week, Robert launched into a recount of his last trip to London. He described a minor collision with another person who he claimed then reacted aggressively. He concluded his story with, "and he was coloured," with an implicating tone suggesting danger, followed by fits of laughter from him and Peter.

The comment caught me off guard, and I excused myself, feigning more gardening work for a few moments before heading indoors. Shortly after, Peter came to my room to apologize, but his words, "Sorry about Robert, he just speaks his mind," only fueled my frustration. I confronted him about the lack of opposition to Robert's clearly racist comment. I ended up going for a long hike to cool down.

On returning, my mum tried smoothing things over, but it only escalated the tension. She suggested Robert was just an eccentric and advised I overlook his remarks. However, I stressed that my issue was more with Peter’s nonchalant reaction than Robert’s obvious prejudice. When she urged me to stand up for myself, I emphasized that as a person of color, it wasn't my place to educate or correct their biased acquaintances.

My mum accused me of overreacting; I countered, explaining she couldn’t possibly understand my position fully due to her different racial experiences. I've had to ignore casual racism in many areas of my life, but I drew the line at tolerating it in the so-called safety of my family home. Declaring my intentions to leave first thing in the morning, I started packing.

This decision inflamed the situation further. My mum lamented my impending absence from other family gatherings, labeling my decision as immature for not wanting to reach a compromise. I struggled to grasp how one could "agree to disagree" on matters of racism, let alone feel at ease knowing my immediate family might downplay my feelings toward it.

Reflecting on this situation within the context of a reality show, one wonders how the drama and intense emotional exchanges might play out before an audience. In those heightened realities, the dynamic could shift significantly, offering a platform for broader discussion or possibly escalating tensions further with viewers’ polarized reactions impacting the narrative.

Would love to know your thoughts—would my reaction have been seen differently if it was all televised?

I remembered a while back in the beginning of sophomore year, before I spiraled out of control into depression, self-harm, and seeking validation from old men online. I talked to my friend about my attraction to our school vice principal. I was a bit crude so it sounded like a joke. But my question was “why am i attracted to him when i know that if he ever showed any real interest towards me, id be terrified? call the police, if not, cry.”

I had made this observation and i was confused about my feelings. I now know its because i was hypersexual from past trauma, making me feel that way. But then i didnt know hypersexual was a thing that existed.

It was played off as a joke. He said something like “dude i thought you were about to tell me you were gonna kys or something and you go and say some stupid shit like this.”

I laughed it off as a joke too, but i feel like that was the start of my slow descent into mental illness. I was identifying it early and had it been taken seriously, i feel i could’ve avoided all the problems it brought with it.

Okay, I feel so bad but I have two friends at school. I’m the weird shy person so not many people talk to me. My two friends at school are very loud and unintentionally rude and don’t understand most things. They are sisters as well.

When I first met them I was glad people were talking to me but no one else at the school really likes them so now the other people at school avoid me. My friends changed after a while though. Now they basically use me as their therapist because other people don’t listen to them. They tell me all of their problems constantly but their problems are just about how they are sooo tired because they stayed up late eating candy or drawing. Or how they hate having older siblings because they smell bad or something. I have some big family issues right now and I feel like I’m going to suffocate whenever they start complaining. They also force me to hang out with them during p.e. When I would rather do something.

They also talk very loud and at the same time. I get really overwhelmed and I hate when they joke about depression and self harm when I feel depressed and do self harm ( I haven’t told them that though because they never let me talk and I DO NOT open up to people)

I really don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t feel like we are friends and they are just desperate for friendship because all of their other friends left them.

So, yeah. I am too stressed out to do anything about it but I wanted to get this out of my chest.

Struggling with a difficult phase, I'm sitting down to share something that's been troubling me lately. Over the past several months, I've found myself grappling with an increasingly negative outlook towards my romantic life, particularly around my challenges in finding a girlfriend. Initially, I chalked up my lack of success to bad luck or just being in a slump. But as time passed, the rejections piled up, and I had to fight harder against some toxic thoughts creeping into my mind.

The tipping point for me was when someone I had grown close to over about nine months rejected my romantic advances just because of my hair color. Her exact words were something akin to, "You're a great friend, but I'm just not attracted to your hair." This rejection based on something so superficial was a new kind of pain, especially since she and I shared a deep connection otherwise.

Seeing other men, who didn’t treat women well, face no repercussions in social settings like clubs further messed with my head. This observation seemed to validate the unjust world view I was trying to resist, which some call the 'chad' mindset - where seemingly unkind or arrogant men appear to succeed effortlessly with women.

This struggle came to a head recently when a friend’s girlfriend organized a group trip that included me and one of her single friends. It seemed like a perfect opportunity to meet someone new in a less pressured setting. However, inconsistencies in her availability – being free one day and not the next – left me feeling frustrated and jilted yet again.

I am actively trying to better myself – hitting the gym, focusing on advancing my career, and reconnecting with sports to regain my old form. Despite these efforts, my confidence is shaky, and the fear of spiraling into an 'incel' mindset – where one blames women for their romantic failures – haunts me.

Imagining myself in a reality show discussing these issues, I wonder how it would be perceived. Would the audience empathize with my struggle, or would they judge me for these creeping negative thoughts? It’s a risky exposure that could either garner support or backlash, reflecting the polarized views of society on such matters.

If anyone out there has overcome similar hurdles or can offer perspective, your guidance would be invaluable right now.

I'm a 48-year-old father with two sons, Thomas who is 15, and Jack who's 12. Thomas is practically my twin, both in appearance and in his love for all things nerdy, which mirrors my own interests. On the other side, Jack couldn't be more different. Since he was little, he never showed an ounce of interest in what Thomas and I enjoyed. His passion lies in sports, a trait he picked up from my brother who influenced him heavily during the years he lived with us. Unsurprisingly, Jack pestered my wife and me until we reluctantly agreed to let him join a baseball team, despite my personal distaste for sports, stemming from my own childhood experiences as an outsider among sporty kids.

Now at 12, Jack's personality reminds me painfully of the sports-obsessed kids who used to bully me. His behavior towards his older brother is becoming problematic, often resulting in him sabotaging Thomas's computer games or stealing his snacks, which only adds to my reservations about sports.

Recently, Jack expressed a strong desire to transfer to a school renowned for its sports programs. I outright refused, emphasizing the dangers of football and insisting he attend the same private school as his brother, focusing solely on academics. The suggestion of engaging in drama or music instead was met with outright hostility and profanity from Jack, leading to a significant argument and my decision to cut his sports activities short and confiscate his phone—a decision my wife quickly vetoed, revealing plans were already made behind my back to enroll him in the different school.

The argument with my wife escalated as I felt my authority being undermined. She called me unreasonable, accusing me of overreacting, but I stand by my view that prioritizing sports over education is a mistake, even if they think my disapproval of Jack's choices is too harsh.

If all of this drama played out on a reality TV show, I bet the audience would be split. Some would definitely side with me, believing in strict parenting and the importance of academics, while others might view my actions as too controlling and unsupportive of my son's athletic aspirations. With cameras rolling, my heated discussions would probably be high drama, sparking lots of viewer comments about family dynamics and the right balance in parenting.

What's your take on handling disagreements about school choices?

I am sick, and it's so annoying. It's "just" the flu, so of course it's not so bad when you think about others that have it way worse, but I just don't have time to be sick. I can't miss school (like I'm genuinely not allowed to miss more school, I've been sick so much this year), I can't miss practice because we have some tests coming up that will partially determine if I make the big teams this season (very vague, point is that these tests are important) and it's also just really fucking annoying to be sick.

Also, since it's not like a headache-type situation that goes away in a day, it's the flu or something like it. My head, body and joints ache, my nose is running, I'm feverish on/off and I'm coughing and sneezing all the time. And I know I'm gonna feel like this for at least a week because I always do when I get sick like this. But it's not just now I'm getting sick - I got a cold a week or so before Christmas and I swear I haven't been completely fresh since. And yes, I took time off from everything back then, but I just never freaking get over it. And it happens every year; I get sick in November/December and don't completely recover until like March, and in that whole time period it comes back periodically almost like once a month.

Anyways, I'm pretty fkn annoyed by it because now I can't get anything done for the next week because my body aches even just lying still, and once again I don't improve at all in the winter season. And yes, I've called my doctor but they said something along the likes of "oh you have the flu? Like you do every year where you can't get over it? Sounds tough, deal with it"

I'm learning Korean just for the fun of it (I'm a Kpop fan, don't judge me)

It's proving WAY harder than I originally thought ngl-

but I'm using Duolingo, and I listen to A LOT of Kpop, so I should be good ig?

idk

but listening to kpop in theory should help, it's possible (the lead singer of one ok rock [japanese] learned English by listening to Linkin Park so...)

When I told my friend I'm learning Korean, she said "Bro no way-"

As a non-drinker, I find myself continually baffled by the allure that alcohol holds for so many individuals, especially when I observe the impact it has had on my wife. It's bewildering to witness her unwavering fondness for this intoxicating liquid that seemingly grips her consciousness and distorts her perception of reality. It's like watching someone willingly choose to engage in something those unaware of see little logic in. Isn't it strange how some people ardently pursue a substance that, upon closer inspection, often results in more harm than good? My wife partakes in alcohol with a fervent passion that borders on obsession; her consumption levels are, without a shadow of a doubt, excessive. The societal norm of relaxing at the end of a tiresome day with a drink in hand doesn't seem to just relax her but rather amplifies her reliance on this habit, creating a vicious cycle that's worrisome for someone who would prefer to be a bystander. Could it possibly be the taste itself that intrigues people, or is it the transient escape from reality that alcohol promises with its consumption? These are questions I've pondered.

Reflecting on countless discussions, or perhaps one-sided pleadings, it seems clear that alcohol holds a multifaceted appeal—one that stimulates the senses while concurrently clouding judgment. My wife insists that her affinity for alcohol is merely a "social lubricant," a phrase often repeated yet confounding in its implication that engaging normally in social undertakings requires chemical aid. Why the constant need to tread the fine line between composure and chaos? It's astonishing to witness its glorification, how individuals believe in its magical ability to conjure merriment and engagement in conviviality. While society lauds drinking culture, shrouded in artful advertisements painting rosy pictures of leisure, the reality is often starkly different, especially when you live with someone who indiscriminately embraces it. As a mere observer, I've seen academic studies and reports cite the dangerous repercussions alcohol can have—not just physically but also psychologically. Despite having access to such empirical evidence, even my earnest attempts to share these findings often culminate in a dismissive chuckle or an affirmation that it’s merely "blowing off steam." But then again, would someone really change a habit based on another's detached understanding? It's clear that more substantive engagement is often required to precipitate true change. Is it ultimately the camaraderie and shared experiences attributed to drinking that bind people so tightly to this substance, or is there something deeper ingrained in human fabric that draws them to it?

I've low-key been doing okay but not as okay as I think I should be. I don't know how to come to terms with my morality, it's like I'm either terrified of dying or look forward to it. Looking forward to it means less anxiety but at the same time...it makes life feel like a video game or not all that real. I feel like my peers live life and view it through a human lense, as corny as that sounds, idk how to describe what I've been feeling. Like, whenever I see people's deaths, I don't see it as this sad thing that it used to be in my mind, instead, I see it as them finally resting because I see life as exhausting, work? I don't wanna do that, dreams within social groups? Bleh, thinking about try future? Also ew, just shoot me instead.

There are many ways people live it, life, right now? I've been here, watching people play visual novels video games, I could do that for the rest of my life, I could let it take up a lot of my time and life in general. I enjoy it but there's apart of me that knows I should move forward in my young adult life. I wish I didn't think this deeply and had a normal mind where death, and morality aren't such a huge concept in my mind. I could die any momment but as of rn, I would be okay with that. Am I actually just passively suicidal? I mean I know what that feels like but idk, this feels more like... comforting, I don't wanna keep having this anxiety over something I can't even fucking control so I chose not to and it works, but this also leaves me feeling like what I said early, viewing life as not real. Maybe I just need people I can talk to more.

I'm feeling lost because of the big adult things I'm supposed to be doing. It's complicated, my parents and me. I'm graduating high school this year, people expect me to be excited but I'm homeschooled and like everyone cheated, including me, even when I dont, it's still whatever. So..my dad spent like 700 on my graduation gear, he's low-key rich and also a women beater, he's done many horrible things and would treat you like you shit if you aren't as shitty as he is so I don't feel bad.

My parents are both homophobic and transphobic but my dad is way way worse, he's already called me a sissy and threatened me and thinks I'm a lesbian or bisexual. I mean I am a transguy and gay. My mom's has literal queer friends and thinks like queer family members are misguided and need help, she thinks trauma causes it, ngl she's very sweet about it and not condensing. It's weird tho becuz my parents are supportive in a career and school way, financially(aka Dad's money), they are willing to pay for the school I go to, buy me a car, help me choose this or that, whatever I wanna do or go, I can do that and they'll help me. They're still traditional tho so no "men jobs". My parents have many rulesz, it's like having privileges but it ends at wearing a skull band shirt because it's demonic.

I have no idea on what to do, let's say I just go along with my parents, I take up their offer and go to technical school for whatever, i wouldn't really be able to be myself...like wtf would even be the point of living? My dad would probably take away any funding if he found out. Should I really risk that being a possibility? My plan was just to finish high school, get driver's license soon, get a job. I haven't thought far because I feel this path requires more work as I would probably be on my own, I could not be tho..idk, depends on how my parents react. I wonder if I should come out after getting my job...they would be really negative about it. I don't get how people's parents allow them to just work and not being down their neck asking "okay but what's next? Are you going to school? Are you gonna keep doing this and for how long? You need a plan" The reason I have the job is to have somewhere else to go, so I can come out and not have to deal with any negativity I get from parents, ideal.

Maybe I shouldn't even be trying to do all this on my own, maybe I need help or a support group. It's not like I live in some big city where I have many options for help or anything else I need. I live in the bum fuck no where south, small town but there's a decent amount of diversity here.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, I appreciate you <3 Remember that you are valuable 🖤🩷

There I was, part of my dear friend Julie's bridal party. Julie has always had a bit of a tough time with money, but despite this, she's in the midst of planning her dream wedding.

Initially, she requested that we, the bridesmaids, cover the cost of our dresses. We agreed without hesitation. However, the financial asks didn't stop there; next was the bouquets. Eager to assist, I didn’t object until I learned they would cost a whopping $130 each! It turned out that Julie had her heart set on the most lavish bouquets available. I even proposed putting together the bouquets myself to cut costs, but she was adamant about getting the ones she had selected.

Among the bridesmaids, I'm the youngest, just stepping into my 20s, and perhaps because of this, I felt the financial pinch more sharply. Although a few others also seemed displeased with the escalating costs, I was the lone voice that addressed our concerns with Julie. I approached her gently, explaining my financial constraints and questioning the rationale behind spending so much on flowers that would only last the day.

To my dismay, my input wasn’t received well. Julie decided to exclude me from the bridal party altogether, relegating me to just the “after party” guest list before eventually withdrawing that invitation too. Now, I'm left bewildered by the turn of events, questioning if I was unreasonable.

Imagine if this scenario unfolded on a reality TV show! The cameras would zoom in on the dramatic split between once-close friends over wedding expenses, capturing every heated exchange and tearful confession. Viewers would likely be split, some sympathizing with my financial caution and others siding with the bride’s vision for her special day. Reality TV thrives on such conflict, and this situation could easily be a pivotal episode, sparking debates and discussions across social media platforms.

I'm left wondering, was I really being unreasonable, or just mindful of my own financial limits?

Sorry but she looks like a bridezilla here...

i hate it. the feeling of being seen, like actually seen, not just people glancin at you in the street or passin by, but when someone really looks at you, like they’re tryin to figure you out, like they have questions, like they see somethin in you that you don’t even see in yourself. it makes my skin crawl. i overthink every little thing, how i stand, how i move, if my face looks weird when im just existing, if my voice sounds stupid when i speak. every time i step outside, i feel like im being judged, even if no one is sayin anything. and the worst part? i know most people don’t care, i know logically they’re all too busy with their own lives to be analyzin me, but my brain don’t listen to logic. my brain tells me everyone notices, everyone sees, everyone is thinkin somethin. so i shrink, i make myself smaller, i walk quieter, i avoid eye contact, i make sure i dont take up too much space, bc the less people see me, the safer i feel. but its exhausting. always second-guessing, always panicking about the tiniest things, always wishing i could just exist without feeling like im being watched.

nd it’s not just in public, it’s everywhere. online, in messages, even around people i know. every time i post somethin, i think should i delete it? does this make me look dumb? did i say too much? did i say too little? every time i talk to someone, i replay the convo in my head a thousand times, picking apart everything i said, wondering if i sounded weird or annoying. nd it makes me not wanna talk at all. like, if i never say anything, if i never put myself out there, then theres nothin to be judged, right? but then that feels just as bad, bc i want to connect, i want to be a person, i just don’t want to be perceived while doing it. i don’t want people to have opinions on me, to see me one way when i see myself another, to misunderstand, to assume, to put a label on me i don’t want. nd maybe that’s the problem. maybe i dont even kno who i am without other people’s perception, nd that’s why it scares me so much. bc what if i don’t like what they see? what if they see the real me, and i don’t even know who that is?

Honestly, there is more than just my school that i wanted to talk about, so ill put it in also right after school, first thing is that in school, im always told by my friends that most of our classmates or people in the school hate me, only cause they say im over dramatic, a main character, and more, i guess its cause im the only one who tells them to be quiet of fix the chairs when its required…

But its not like i dont know about this before my friends told me, i know people hate me, i always hear them whispering my name, mimicking my voice or even hearing my friends tell me they heard them say fat jokes about me, like that i only came to the certain event for the food..

I would tell a teacher, but i worry ill get hated even more… and its hard already considering most of the people there hate me, and i wont be able to tell my family either, cause last time i did they keep cutting me off and get mad when i snapped at them or tried stopping them from spreading their version of my story, where it would seem like im the one at fault…

But it might be true though, what if im the cause of such things?, what if even if i try doing it cause its good, ill only be seen as annoying?… what if im not soft hearted and in fact im just the over dramatic freak they say that cries or gets mad too easily?

What if when i tried venting to my friends, they were correct when they told me im the reason for such things and that im the cause of family drama, and that it is all in my head?…..

Its easier to tell these through a message than to speak them, after all, i have no one left to talk this to, and if i tried getting therapy, my family would call me crazy… what could i possibly do?….. and am i too young and just misunderstanding everything even though i have felt this way for years now?….

I'm quite a sensitive person, I saw this video where this guy with his family, spread his mom's ashes into the lake and it spelled out "love" idk why but I started crying, even now, I'm tearing up. I think that's how my sadness started today. I feel ugly but not super ugly, I don't have a boyfriend, I have one online friend but we don't talk much, I have other online friends but those guys are trying to get with me or just being odd. I think I just need a boyfriend. I think I just need a hug or someone genuine to hang out with. I made a new online friend today but it feels fake. It all feels fake, I only talk to my friends when I'm in a good mood or just try my best to be friendly and all but during my worst moments, I don't have anyone. Who would love me or like me like this? I'm not supposed to burden them with this. I also feel insane. Maybe I'm just undiagnosed or something, idk.