Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

my friend called me to tell me about something horrible that has happened to her and we just hang up but i’m just so devastated im actually so sick to my stomach I tried my best to listen to everything she had to say, and tried to make her feel better somehow but im just so upset for her im just so disgusted upset and I don’t know what to do im so mad im so angry. I actually feel sick. what’s irritating me the most is the fact that we’re not in the same city, I can’t just drop everything and hug her and be there for her.

So I'm 15, my brother is 13. He's a major asshole. His first problem is that he never listens, I tell him something and he'd insult me but not listen even if it's genuinely good advice or I told him caring about him. I know at my age I haven't lived the world yet, but I can help him with some things. The second thing is that he always argues, he acts like all he does is not his fault. He doesn't study, not his fault. He does something stupid or harmful, not his fault. and when he gets scolded he doesn't give a fuck. Today he literally gave us all a heart attack, basically he gets out of school at 2 pm, he should've been home max at 2:20, instead while we were trying to find him everywhere on the road from school to home, contacting his classmates and friends, apparently he was bringing his friend home (who literally lives on the complete other side of the town) and he arrived home at 3 pm. Apparently his bike broke (not broke but the chain wasn't working) and he didn't bother trying to contact anyone. And now after getting a big ass scolding from my mom and literally her saying she was so fucking worried, he just kept rolling his eyes and not caring. He didn't accept on taking his phone to school just in case, so now he cannot even accompany his friends. And now this evening I'll have to hear him getting scolded and him not giving a fuck again.

I don't wanna hear any shit saying "oh but he's still growing, he's a teen." well I'm a teen too, all my friends are teens too, and none of us ever did this shit. How can someone be so selfish and such a dickhead? I always say this, he's been raised as the main character and way too cared for. I just don't get it, I wasn't this shitty at 13.

So let me set the scene because it is a bit crazy, and I'm not even sure if I'm the one who's out of line here. I'm a 16-year-old girl, and I come from a Latin American background. I was born and grew up in Costa Rica until I moved at the age of 13. I still speak Spanish fluently, eat Costa Rican cuisine, celebrate all the local festivals, and hold Costa Rican citizenship. However, my parents are from Chinese descent, so yes, I am also Asian. Surprising, I know! But for some, the concept of being both Asian and Latina is hard to grasp.

The confusion heightened during a school event. I’m very passionate about musical theatre, and when my school announced they were staging ‘In the Heights,' which portrays a mainly Latino neighborhood, I was eager to be part of it. I auditioned for the role of Nina but was cast as Vanessa instead. I was super excited about it. But then, there was this girl, Heather, who also wanted Vanessa, and she was furious when I got the role instead.

Heather seemed either not to care to learn about my background or maybe chose to ignore it, but next thing I know, she’s spouting off that I had nabbed a Latina role from a "real" Latina. She ranted about how troubling it was for me, an Asian girl, to fill a role meant for someone with "authentic" Latina roots. As if things weren't bad enough, she started trash-talking me with her buddies, throwing around insults like “stupid Chinese” and “pick me.”

I hit my limit and decided to confront her about it. At first, I tried to calmly clear up that yes, Asian Latinos do exist (ever heard of Costa Rica?). I even mentioned actor Harry Shum Jr. as an example. But she refused to listen. The argument blew up when she kept saying I didn't look the part and that casting me was wrong, likening it to if she were to be cast as Mulan.

I lost my cool.

In the heat of the argument, I threw back that if we're judging by her standards, she shouldn't portray Vanessa since Vanessa isn't supposed to be FAT and UGLY. Yeah, it was harsh. But by then, I was frustrated with trying to get through to someone who had no regard for me or my background. She stormed off after that.

Now she's painting me as the villain, claiming I body-shamed her. I admit, the words were harsh, but was I supposed to sit quietly while she demeaned my heritage and perpetuated racial slurs? It feels like she started this by being so close-minded.

Imagine if this whole incident transpired on a reality show. The cameras capturing every heated exchange and each biting remark. Would the audience side with me, knowing everything, or would they see me as too aggressive, focusing only on the climax of our confrontation? Reality TV tends to twist narratives, so it's intriguing to think about how our story might have been portrayed.

I've been married for a decade now, and over this period, I've taken on about 95% of the cooking duties along with sorting out meals when we order in. My husband, Michael, has a big appetite but no interest in cooking. Often, he can't even decide what he wants to eat, so the responsibility of choosing falls on me. I have a knack for cooking and usually enjoy it, but there are days when I feel too exhausted and just don't want to deal with it. Although we both enjoy similar types of food, there are certain dishes I love that Michael doesn't care for. This limits me to only eating them when dining out alone, cooking them for myself when he's not around, or preparing separate meals for each of us at home. Consequently, I usually end up cooking only the dishes that we both will eat.

Sometimes, this arrangement is frustrating because I occasionally crave foods I know he won’t eat. Michael expects that anytime I cook, no matter how small the meal, I should be cooking for him as well. However, since he seldom cooks, this typically means I end up cooking for both of us or not at all when he's home. There have been times when he would just munch on snacks all day without preparing a real meal. Yet, if I step into the kitchen, he expects me to ask if he wants something. This expectation puts me in an uncomfortable position, especially when I just want to whip up something quickly for myself the way I prefer it. Including him makes the process longer and more complicated.

This routine feels suffocating. Do I always need to cater to his needs whenever I'm cooking? According to my husband, the answer is yes. He views it as impolite for me to make something without offering to prepare him a portion too. Just last week, while he was on vacation and I was working from home, I overslept and had to scramble to log on for work. After a quick shower, I dashed into the kitchen to prepare some coffee and scramble some eggs with leftover rice. He had already grabbed coffee but hadn’t fixed himself breakfast. Rushed, I took my meal to my home office. Later, he seemed irritated, and it turned out he was upset because I hadn't made him breakfast. Despite the rush to start my workday on time, it wasn’t clear to me why he couldn't have managed his own breakfast, especially considering he rarely opts for eggs and rice.

Am I wrong for not cooking for my husband every time I cook for myself?

Imagine if this scenario unfolded on a reality show; viewers would likely be split. Some might sympathize with the stress of juggling work and home life, criticizing Michael for not being more self-sufficient. Others might argue that as a partner, it's courteous to always consider the other person’s needs, painting me as neglectful or selfish for not extending the offer.

So a few months ago, my boyfriend found out about his younger brother’s cancer which was already at level four :(

He’s just depressed and trying to earn as much as possible for the surgery fees and he’s just different

He talked less and he touches grass less

How do u cheer him up? Even the doctors said that his beloved brother won’t make jt out alive unless he receives a heart donation

Eight months ago, my husband, Derek, was let go from his position as an oil and gas analyst. Since then, he's taken on the role of a temporary house dad, looking after our 3-year-old and picking up our 6-year-old from school while he searches for another job. I've been supporting us by continuing to work as a nurse. Despite the challenges, this setup prevents us from needing daycare for our youngest, which is a relief financially. However, I'm increasingly frustrated because during my own year-long maternity leave, I handled both the home and our kids fully. Derek, however, only manages a few household tasks like mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.

My work hours have ramped up significantly due to staff shortages; I'm pulling 60-70 hours per week. Recently, I discovered that Derek has been secretly taking cash advances on our credit cards to fund nights out and pay for nannies, racking up a staggering $7,000 in debt—a good portion of which, around $2,000, was blown on in-game purchases for his video games. When confronted, Derek argued that he "needed a break" and even outrageously demanded an "allowance". His justification was shocking and hurtful. I couldn't believe the audacity after all the sacrifices I made during my maternity leaves, where I selflessly cared for everything, including managing postpartum challenges.

Derek's indifferent attitude has sparked tension. He shrugged off his responsibilities, claiming boredom, and suggested that my previous choice to be a stay-at-home mom was exactly that—a choice, and unlike him, it wasn't imposed. He seemed to overlook that his current situation is a direct result of his joblessness. After our heated conversation, he surprisingly secured a bookkeeping position. However, he continues to complain to friends, portraying me as the unreasonable partner stifling his "freedom".

It's clear that our household dynamics need serious reevaluation. Does this call for a radical change? If this were unveiled in a reality show setting, viewers might be riveted by the unraveling domestic drama, debating fiercely over our roles and responsibilities. Moreover, they might even take sides, considering how public opinion often swings in the saga of televised personal conflicts. Would the situation seem more dire on screen, or would audiences find empathy for Derek's quest for liberation and respite amid unemployment?

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Good night, people....

How horrible is attachment to people, especially if you believe you can ever have a relationship.

8 months ago, I met a man 15 years older than me. From the first day I saw him, I was smitten, I loved his smile and how good he smelled.

The bad thing is that he was the boyfriend of a friend of mine.

I think I manifested everything because I imagined everything happening. I looked for the opportunity when he was fighting with his girlfriend so I could talk to him. Her number was given to me by her, who was his girlfriend, for some loans he made. Honestly, people, I know karma is going to fall on me, even though I've already shut up, but it was

stronger than me. It wasn't that difficult to interact with him (First red flag)

But we started seeing each other. No one can imagine how gentlemanly, attentive, and all around he was with me (love bombing, second red flag). The truth is, since he's so many years older than me, I didn't think he could be the same as everyone else. He was very different from the last person I'd been with. I felt like we were on the same page, but the truth is, we weren't.

Well, to all of this, I'm clear that he didn't want anything serious, but people proved the opposite. We went on a trip and had a great time until one day his ex found out we were seeing each other. She talked trash about me, and he believed her. The girl looked for me to hit me, exposed me on social media, and he asked me to break up because "I didn't really know what I wanted."

I cried for 3 days because that anguish came back from all the times my ex left me crying days and nights (third red flag).

Those three days, he slept with her, she posted stories, and they reached me.

I felt super humiliated and sad because that's when he showed his true colors. I WAS DISAPPOINTED. He asked me to talk and told me he didn't want to stop seeing me, and that was when I was LOVE BOMBED.

He would do things like eating together, going for walks, jealous scenes, sending good-morning messages every day, and commenting on every single thing I posted.

That was until he got tired of me because the attention was getting less and less.

I started to realize there was another girl besides the ex, and that he treated all three of us equally, with trips, concerts, meals, walks, jealousy, details, etc.

At one point, he started not answering me, or he would only do so every 3 or 4 hours, and the fear started to set in again. I don't know what the fear is, but it drove me crazy. They kept ringing the phone to see if he'd talk to me, and if he didn't, tears would automatically fall. I don't understand why, but it's something that develops on its own, and sadness sets in. Until finally, he spoke to me and his soul returned to my body.

The day came when I got married, and I put him to the test. I exaggerated a little, but I was sure I wanted to get out of there no matter what because anxiety was eating away at me.

I blocked him from everywhere because I believed that would work my attachment and at the same time, I would see his reaction.

I couldn't last a week. During that week, I was in bed for two days, vomiting for three, and feeling very ill. My body spoke volumes. I asked him to talk, and his response was that he was going on a trip and that he would call me that night. I waited until 1:00 in the morning by the phone. He never called me back.

I can't explain how bad I felt. He rejected all the attention I had paid him, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. He had gone off with the other girl. He destroyed every hope I had, and he never called me again.

(I don't know how many red flags I'm throwing)

I couldn't stand not being able to talk, not being able to see him. I needed him, until I called him crying, telling him how bad he made me feel.

His response was: "I apologize, but I don't have any feelings for you. That doesn't mean I don't want to see you anymore."

And I accepted their feelings just to be there. I can't express the ups and downs of emotions I'm going through. I can't get out of there, and I'm not having a good time either. I feel like if I walk away, I'll go through that whole painful process again, and I don't want to. Today, they haven't spoken to me all day, and neither have I. But I'm the one who maintains the connection because I'm always the one who makes the first conversation and the one who asks to meet up.

How do I get out of here, God? Sometimes I really pray to meet someone else, but nothing calls to me.

I know that no matter what they say, it's going to be a nightmare. I just want to skip the sad part.

I never thought I would be the kind of person to even ask myself a question like this. When I got engaged to my fiancé three years ago, I was certain. Certain that he was the right choice, that we would build a life together, that the past was just that—the past. But lately, I find myself thinking about my ex more than I want to admit. It’s not that I don’t love my fiancé. I do. He’s kind, he’s supportive, he makes me laugh even when I’m stressed out of my mind. But no matter how hard I try, there’s still this small, stubborn part of my heart that belongs to someone else. And I don't know what that says about me.

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. Like when a song we used to listen to together comes on the radio. Or when I pass a certain coffee shop where we spent hours just talking about everything and nothing. And then all the memories come flooding back—the good ones, the ones that make my chest ache in that bittersweet way. I start wondering if he ever thinks about me too, if he ever misses those stupid inside jokes we had or the way we used to plan our future like it was some big adventure. It's confusing, because I don’t want to go back to that relationship. It ended for good reasons. We fought too much, we wanted different things, and in the end we hurt each other more than we helped. Still, part of me misses what we were before it all fell apart.

I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s normal. That maybe everyone who’s been in love before feels this way sometimes. That just because you move on doesn’t mean you erase the love you had. But deep down, it makes me feel guilty. Like I’m betraying my fiancé without even doing anything. He deserves all of me, not a part of me that’s stuck looking backward. And the worst part is, he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s patient with me, he’s honest, he loves me in a way that feels safe and steady. Maybe that’s part of the problem. My relationship with my ex was never steady—it was chaotic and passionate and sometimes toxic. But it made me feel alive in a way that calm love doesn’t always manage. And I hate that part of me still craves that mess sometimes.

There are nights when I lie awake next to my fiancé and wonder if I’m making a mistake. If maybe the reason I cant let go of my ex is because some part of me believes he was “the one” and I just let him go because it got too hard. But then I remember all the pain, all the crying, all the days I felt like I was losing myself just trying to keep him. Loving him wasn’t healthy, even if it was intense. And isn't love supposed to be more than just fire? Isn’t it supposed to be peace too? I know that rationally, but my heart... my heart still hasn’t fully caught up sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just nostalgia lying to me. Making me remember only the good parts and forget all the nights I cried myself to sleep wondering why I wasn’t enough for him. Nostalgia is a liar like that, painting the past prettier than it really was. I try to remind myself of the facts, the way he would leave me hanging for days, the way he made promises he never kept. But emotions aren't logical, and memories are trickyy. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m better off now, there’s still that ache when I think of what could’ve been, what we almost had.

I haven’t talked to my ex in a long time. Part of me wants to reach out just to see if he’s okay, but I know that’s a bad idea. I know that opening that door would only bring more confusion and hurt. So I keep my distance, for my sake and for my fiancé's. He doesn’t deserve half my heart. He deserves all of it. And maybe loving someone doesn’t always mean you’re supposed to be with them. Maybe sometimes love stays even when the person doesn’t. I guess that’s the lesson I’m still learning.

So yeah, maybe it is normal to still love your ex a little. Maybe it’s just part of being human. Love doesn’t have an off switch. But the important thing is what you do with those feelings. I choose to honor my past without letting it control my future. I choose to stay, to grow, to love the man who’s standing in front of me, not the memory of the one who left. And maybe one day, that stubborn ache will fade into something softer, something that doesn't hurt so much. Until then, I’ll keep moving forward, even when my heart sometimes wants to look back.

"Okay so basically there is this guy"

Said like any girl ever, but like this time its for REAL.

Some Context:

Okay so this guy, Logan, is in my biology class, and he is REALLY cute. And like one of the first guys who has like shown me any interest.

Mind you I have never had; my first kiss, a boyfriend, a situationship, I HAVENT EVEN HAD A TALKING STAGE (so its like BAD BAD)

Basically, I think I first saw him the second day of school. I was in my Bio class and we had to get into groups to do a fun team working project. I was partnered up with around 3 of my friends and he was in a group that was sitting next to mine, but his seat was kinda perpendicular to mine. I noticed from the corner of my eye that he kept looking over in my direction, but again, I was sitting with 3 of my friends so I didn't know if he was looking at me or one of my friends. Through out the school year its like this whole cat and mouse game where I'll look over at him (we sit on opposite sides of the classroom) and I'll turn away and then he'll look over at me, i can see him out of the corner of my eye, and then he'll look away.

Slight dilema, one of the 3 friends i mentioned earlier sits RIGHT next to me, so he could still just be looking at HER. :(

I think i debunked this though because one of the days we ended our lecture early i went and sat next the my other friend in the class ( a different friend) and my seat was angles towards where he was (he was standing by another guy's desk) and BRO COULDN'T STOP LOOKING OVER AT ME AHHHHAHAHAHAHAH

Butttt, a few weeks ago we were working on a genetics paper and it was supposed to take us like all class period, but i find the genetic topic really easy so i finished in like 10 minutes. So my teacher asked if i wanted to help her make this basketball poster for the upcoming basketball season, and of couse, i said yes. So i stand up and walk over to where the table was the had all of the supplies for the poster and i start cutting out a basketball. Behind me to my left is a large bookshelf that has a small basketball hoop attached to it, and so far nobody in my class has touched it. But BAM suddenly these 2 guys decide now is the perfect time to start playing basketball, anywaysss logan joins them after a minute, and because the basket is right next to me i move around to the other side of the table. Then my teacher starts to play with them and they have a little competition, and for some reason they were being really loud so i looked up.....DIRECT EYE CONTACT (I nearly dieddddd)

Obviously im a bit delusional and it might be one of those things where i like the version of him in my head more than i like the actual him, but let a girl dream!!!!

Anywaysss, the way my class is set up the seats are basically the basic 2 person black tables but organized in a u with everybody facing the middle, like this:

___ ___

| |

| |

I sit here -> | * * *** |

|__________|

he sits here ---------->

The *'s are random seats my teacher has in the middle, with the 2 on the left being actual desks and the other 3 being bean bags. Last week Logan sat at the * closest to my seat....stealing this other guys spot!!!! But im lowkey really shy and quiet in that class so he talked to my friend who sits next to me most of the time, but its okay guys! No red flags there because she has a boyfriend and was literally asking him all class what she should gift her boyfriend for christmas.

I laughed at a few of his jokes and talked to him a little but not a lot :(

But the things is that for the next 2 days he didn't look at me at ALL, and then he wasn't at school for the last part of the week....

So basically I need help, like desperately! I know this just seems like a silly crush, but I would much rather takes risks in highschool than have no idea what im doing when im trying to find my husband after college, you feel me?

If anyone has any tips to like get him to notice me, or things i could do to interact with him more, that would help a lotttttttttt

Thank you all so much!!! <3 (oh and if ur a visual learner, like me, just imagine, cole walter from my life with the walter boys, but like an actual teenager, and a little bit younger)

this is my experiences

4 am in the bathroom

The door locked

Don't let anyone in

Banging your head against the wall

Tears streaming down your face

The red river dripping from the wrist to floor

The pain intoxicating, pulling you in

Until you feel numb

Each mark deeper and deeper

No one must know

You feel the shame and guilt wash over you

You hide away

Long sleeves in the summer

"Come on take off your hoodie it's warm"

Then they find out

The screaming, the fighting

The arguing

The cycle repeats itself

4 am in the bathroom

The door locked

Don't let anyone in

At the age of 45, I have a daughter, Abby, who is 17 and just experienced her first date with a classmate, who we'll call Sam. My apprehensions stem from my belief that high school romances don’t tend to endure—they're more like preliminary trials for later life. I felt it was my duty to temper her expectations to shield her from potential heartbreak, like when he might leave her for someone he finds more appealing.

Unlike her younger brother Jake, who's 15 and always on top of trends and self-care, Abby doesn’t invest much in her looks; she neglects makeup and fashion, opting to wear the same old clothes to school daily. After her date, she returned home brimming with excitement, constantly talking about Sam. I candidly expressed my surprise that Sam chose to date her, questioning his intentions. I explained that many teenage boys aren't looking for serious relationships and might be using the date as a dare or simply to boast to friends.

This led to an argument where Abby felt I was insinuating she was unattractive and undeserving of a boyfriend. Trying to clarify, I stated I was merely trying to manage her expectations, not demean her. I compared her approach to her brother's, hinting that a bit more effort on her part in grooming could enhance her prospects, not just romantically but generally in life. She interpreted my comments as controlling, but I see it as guidance toward success, stressing the competitive nature of romance and appearance.

She insisted that Sam enjoyed their date and seemed genuinely interested in her. However, I cautioned her about the transient nature of such teenage interests. Observing her peers, I remarked that she needs to elevate her dressing style to stand out positively.

Abby now accuses me of sabotaging her happiness. I attempted to explain that I was only aiming to prevent the kind of hurt I experienced when my ex-husband left me. But she’s not speaking to me currently. Even her brother and a close friend think I was too harsh. I often wish my own mother had given me such direct advice; I consider my approach as tough love. Was I too harsh, or just being realistic?

If this encounter was part of a reality show, I imagine the reaction would be quite divided. Viewers might sympathize with my protective instincts yet criticize my approach as overly harsh and potentially damaging to my daughter’s self-esteem. The drama and emotional tension could certainly draw attention and provoke strong viewer reactions, reflecting the complexities of parent-child relationships.

Just the title

Everytime I feel as if Im the smallest, most useless presence on earth and I want to give up, somehow my brain injects just enough positive thoughts to keep me from stopping dead in my tracks and continue going, but not enough to fix my fucked up self image. Not enough to fix my skewed perceptions. Not enough to make it stop feeling like I'm in a car stopped dead in the middle of a busy highway. No. I feel every bit as shitty, every bit as damaged, every bit as certain of my failure as a living being. I'm just hit with the temporary high of loose nameless positivity that keeps me functioning.

Its as if Im being tortured. I know I'll plumit again, so why do I keep bringing myself back?

I want friends so badly, it drives me insane. I have 3 friends but I only consider one to be an actual friend, because the others are assholes. I can’t hang out with my friend often because they live about 30 minutes from me and they go to school while I’m homeschooled. I have bad anxiety so I’m not good at talking to people at all unless I know them, It’s so bad that I can’t even talk to people online to try and make friends because I get too scared and worried. I want to make more friends that live close by so I can hang out more often and just have someone to go out with.

I want to go out more and get out of the house, but I don’t go out alone because of my own experiences with creepy men and pedophiles. It’s not that I want some just to have with me, but I want someone who I can connect deeply with bf not have to think about how and when to drive 30 mins to get there or whatever.

I want to make friends in my area, but everyone my age in my area are just assholes, which was one of the reasons I went into homeschool other than anxiety.

I have this deep feeling inside me like I just want to be held and loved, just to be with someone and feel safe and cared about with. I don’t know if I’m ready to get into another relationship yet since I just got out of a year long distance relationship about a month ago. I just crave touch and affection, but also that level of friendship where I’m comfortable enough to be myself.

I always get jealous seeing people out with friend groups and talking about their friend groups, I know how fun it is to be in friendgroups since I used to be in one a few years ago. I want that feeling again. I don’t know how to explain it but I just feel lonely.

Sure, I have my family, but they just make me feel more alone. My grandma always talks about how I barely have friends and need more, when I’m upset bc my friend did something my dad just tells me everyone is assholes and I need to learn that, my little sister makes fun of me for barely having friends. I just can’t handle it anymore. I’ve thought about suicide and running away, but it wouldn’t help.

For years I have just been wanting that feeling that I know I’m safe with someone for who I am and that I’m loved

Hi. I dont exactly know how to do this, but i really wanted to get this off my chest, so that i can put my focus on fixing myself, instead of carrying around all this baggage. Im not very good with english commas and stuff, as its a second language, so i appologize.

Ok, so i have a Sister. My relationship with her is very complicated. My main problem is that i get angry far too quickly. She could do the most midly annoying thing ever, and i would lose my head and lash out. This is obviously not right, and i need to control myself.

This anger stems from her and I having a lot of issues with one another growing up. The problem is, i can never pinpoint exactly one thing or a few specific things that i dislike her for. I just KNOW, its unforgivable. So i lash out at the drop of a hat, and can end up getting physically violent, which, at the moment of the outburst feels justified, but i know afterwards that i was in the wrong.

Our father is also a terrible person. He has crazy outbursts of anger too, and i despise him for it. Which i why i NEED to fix my anger issues, because there is nothing in this world i hate more than a hypocrite. Which he, unsuprisingly, is.

My mother on the other hand is the gentlest person ever. She is kind, tolerant, never raises her voice, and i look so much up to her. I want to be like that. People like my father hurt people, and end up alone. People like my mother can make others feel like the only ones who matter in the entire world, and i want to be that for other people. If only i could get a hold of myself.

Now, my sister is not a bad person. Because of my fathers anger issues, i KNOW she suffers too. As her older sibling Its my job to protect her, but i keep FAILING at it by lashing out exactly like he does. She has to deal with both of us, and the guilt of it eats me alive. But its not like feeling guilty is going to absolve me of my actions. You know the quote: A dog that howls after a kill is no better than the dog that eats. My guilt means nothing.

My sister deals with his anger by being rebellious. She drifts away, has little care for other people, acts disrespectfully and so on. I suppose thats one reason i hate her, but can i really allow myself that? It feels selfish of me. She also has developed a very nasty personality. And i know that word is harsh, but heres what i mean: She revels in putting people down. She constantly stops people from improving themselves by making them feel stupid for even trying. Basically, shes emotionally toxic. In all her relationships, platonic and familial. And I cant be mad at her over that. At least not when she does it to me. Because im worse. I lash out. And that will always be worse. What shes doing, is setting up defenses. Because if she tears people down, she wont be torn apart herself.

The funny thing is, this is also something my father does. Tears people down. Its like me and my sister are two halves of the same awful man. Maybe thats why we hate eachother.

Talking about out father. I do think my sister resents me. See, our mother treats her kids equally. Our father however has me as his favourite. Its obvious, because he barely tolerates my mother, my brother and my sister. Hes said it out loud too. That he only stays for me. So that means his outbursts are directed towards them, while i get off scott free. This doesnt mean he loves me. Ive sides with them, and every time i do, he lashes out at me too. However for some reason he always "forgives" me the easiest. I feel dirty.

Now, i didnt ask for this favouritism. I hate the way he treats my mother, brother and sister, because i love them. But i cant blame her for resenting me. After all, it does feel like the golden child masqurading as a good person doesnt it? I feel selfish and awful.

Even more so when i lash out. Because how could i not? Im acting like he does! And i need help managing my anger. Now some of you may say, well apologize then. The thing is, thats what my father does after his lash outs. He apologizes in this sweet voice, and if i started doing the same to my sister, she would be like a lamb trapped between two wolves, and i cant do that to her. I want to improve my actions before, you know, using my words. It would give her the wrong idea otherwise. I dont want to set her up for abuse in her future.

Although it does sometimes feel as though our relationship with eachother is now irrepearable. Ive ruined it, and it would be selfish of me to expect her to trust me again.

And my greatest fear, is that this is the same thought process HE goes through. What if he also feels this immense guilt after lashing out too? What if he tries and fails at managing his anger? I dont let these thoughts out to the ones close to me, like my mother, brother or sister, because i would feel selfish for garnering sympathy. Are we not the same then, he and I? I dont want that! I want to actually change, to actually start managing my anger and not be soo... weak. You know?

I want to be better for the people i love. So i REALLY need tips to manage my anger. I always feel like im in a dream like comatose state after lashing out. Like as if that was another person, and now i have to deal with their mistakes. I could really use some tips, some help. This post had to be made, so i could get it off my chest and focus on improving. I dont want to feel and act crazy anymore. I want to be better. And i need to put in the effort.

Thank you.