Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

my bf is out of town for the week for his family’s vacation and yesterday was day one and he barely talked to me and he said he would do better today and today he has talked a bit more than yesterday it still is not showing any effort. And then we where on the phone and his cousin let her friend come and he and her where laughing a lot and I just found it very weird and it seemed like she was flirting

Yesterday we had a very intense conversation about how I was feeling with everything in life and I tbh ought everything would get better but now I feel it has not

I hate it soo much!! I hate it here, I hate existing so badly because I'm anxious every single second, I feel as though everyone's eyes are on me, and every time I move, it feels like I'm a robot because I'm conscious of my every movement. I move and talk how people want me to, and it's so hard to be myself because I fear that I will be judged. My anxiety is so bad I can't even show my true colors to my friends. I know they're good people, but I'm just scared. So scared, you know? I know they won't judge for every little thing but even so, I'm terrified. My traumas won't let me be the person I wish to be; I'm always holding myself back because I'm just so anxious. I hate feeling like this because I'm wasting my whole life acting like someone I'm not.

Growing up as a Black girl,
you never know what the future holds.
You learn fast.
Too fast.
Drugs, alcohol, sex—
before I even knew my times tables,
I knew what the world was about.
The "birds and the bees" talk?
Didn’t need it.
By the time I was born,
I already had four older siblings.
The oldest? grown.
twenty four , twenty five—
a whole life ahead,
while mine was just beginning.
Seven years later—
I’m no longer the youngest.
Now I’m the oldest.
Fourteen years later—
I’m in the middle, but still the oldest.
A split family teaches you choices
you were never supposed to make.
My mother has feelings.
My father has feelings.
My stepmother has feelings.
But what about mine?
How do you think I felt
when I realized I was the crack in their foundation?
That my mother’s pregnancy
shattered my father and stepmother’s family?
That my father had four kids before I even existed?
That his arm carried their names in ink,
but when I asked to be added,
he told me no—because of the “pain.”
Pain?
You wanna talk about pain?
I was cheated on,
manipulated—over and over,
by the same person.
And I let them.
I was dumb.
I almost got into fights
over people I didn’t even want.
Because I was supposed to.
Because I was taught
that disrespect had to be answered.
I hit puberty early, 5th grade.
First time I got catcalled? Eleven.
Let that sink in—
Eleven.
At the store with my older sister,
a grown man called out to us.
She was in her 20s—
but he meant both of us.
My body grew before I was ready,
so men saw a woman where a child stood.
By middle school,
the world was dying from COVID,
but I was already grieving
the childhood I never had.
How many times have I been called beautiful
by someone who shouldn’t even be looking?
How many times have I been told—
"You can’t wear that."
Because my chest was bigger.
Because men were coming over.
Because my mother was afraid.
Not for them.
For me.
Now I’m a freshman,
but people think I’m older.
I’m used to it.
On some level, it’s a compliment—
on every other, it’s not.
It just means I never got time to be a kid.
So yeah—
when I do something that seems childish,
that’s little me fighting to exist.
When I scream over dumb things,
when I get excited like I’m five again—
that’s Nyana.
That’s the kid in me,
the one I refuse to let die.
And when they stare—
I stare back.
Because the version of me you see,
that’s the one you want to box,
the one you want to label.
But I’m so much more than the skin they see,
than the years they’ve added on me.
I'm the kid who never got to be a kid.
They want me to act my age?
What’s my age?
When I’m a reflection of everyone’s expectations
and not my own truth?
I never got the luxury of slowing down,
of making mistakes without the weight of judgment.
Never had the time to just be.
Just to be young.
Just to be free.
And how do you think I feel
growing up in a world
where men have “weird relationships”
with their girl “best friends”?
It’s just weird.
But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
Not when my own father
once said he would "hit"
if his gave him a chance.
I saw my first "film" at seven—
not on purpose,
but because I wanted to be like every other kid.
Wanted to watch YouTube,
wanted to laugh at the same jokes,
wanted to feel like I belonged.
But the things I saw?
They weren’t for me.
Not for a seven-year-old
who still needed to feel safe in their own room.
I didn’t know what to do with what I saw.
Didn’t know how to unsee it.
But I learned,
fast.
Just like I learned in fourth grade
that sleepovers weren’t what they were on TV.
That not every mother is a mother first.
That sometimes, a mother wants to be a friend,
and when that happens,
you become the collateral damage.
She let her daughter do things no child should do,
and I was there,
forced into it,
too young to understand,
too scared to say no.
And when I got in trouble for it,
when I told my mother it wasn’t my fault,
guess who still got in trouble?
Guess who didn’t.

So yeah, when I laugh too loud,
when I hold on to the simple things—
that’s me reaching for the years they took.
I’m reclaiming what’s mine—
the innocence I was denied,
the joy I never got to wear.
And if that makes you uncomfortable,
I don’t care.
Because after all this time,
I owe it to myself to just be.
To be me.

so today my brother asked my dad if it was fine for him to go to the beach with my mom instead of going to the gathering with my dad. my dad for some reason flipped out and got so angry. he called my mom and screamed at her for 1-2 hours. my mom was already at the beach but didn’t have time to enjoy anything whatsoever. later on the dinner table my dad was telling my siblings and i about how his dad (my grandfather) threw a hammer at him for disrespecting him. my dad explained saying “i never once regretted what my father did to me because it made me a real “man””. he went to the nearby table where my brother placed his electronics, picked his nintendo up and slammed it into the ground. everything shattered and my siblings and i were so shocked and scared. my mom as well. some of my sisters started crying and yelling at my dad which caused me to cry aswell. my dad took my brothers phone and slammed it on the floor aswell. my dad acted shocked that we were crying. he said we are over reacting and whatever. they explained to him that these aren’t normal things that he is doing. and that we have been suffering from him ever since we were kids. he told us to say what was in our hearts. what we have been holding for our entire life. when it came to me? i just couldn’t say anything. i told him that. that i have nothing to say. but in reality i wanted to tell him i much i hated him and how much i wanted him to die. but based on what he did to my sisters. i know if i say something he will just keep going and trying to make me the wrong one. when it came to my youngest sister to speak she said that what he is doing is so childish. my dad looked like he wanted to kill her. talking about how “rude” she is. mind you we were all crying at this point. after everything that happened he took the rest of my brothers electronics and went down to his office. we started bursting into tears next to our mother and then we heard a slam, then another. he actually broke my brothers ipad and playstation. we went to my oldest sister’s room and stayed there while my mother went to talk to my dad. we sat for about 40 minutes when he came up to the room and sat down acting like he did nothing wrong. talked to us calmly. about how he wont changed. and this is our luck that we got a dad like him. before he left he told my brother that he will take my brother’s tv and break it as well. he also said that what happened and what we did to stand up for my brother is “wrong” and that we should repent. my mom later went down to the living room to go away from all the disasters but my dad followed her there and started fighting again. this is when i’m writing this. it’s currently 3am and all i hear is screaming. tbh i’m kind of relieved to hear my mom scream. i’m always scared that one day it will stop. and i would come down with her laying on the floor with blood everywhere. i just feel like my dad would do something like that.

in my dad’s defense he said that my brother is not a “man” because he can’t “talk/speak” well like the other kids. but then he told my sister that she should stop comparing him to other dads because it will only bring her pain. and i’ve had a habit of recording anytime my dad screams. so as soon as he started i hid my phone under the table and recorded everything. as you can tell it’s not his first time doing something like this. not to this extent ofc but once when my brother was 9-10 my dad wanted to teach him how to ride a bicycle. after a while of my brother failing my dad hit him over and over until my brother peed himself.

i’m so tired. so tired. i’m still i minor and so are my siblings except my oldest sister. my dad claims that what he is doing is the right way of teaching us. he sees us as a disappointment. i don’t know what to do. my mother tried divorcing so many times but she couldn’t. i’m dying inside. i want to die and end it all. but then again. i would bring shame to this family for killing myself. because in my dad’s eyes, he did mothing wrong.

so tell me is my dad wrong? is he abusive? if so what kind? am i being brainwashed washed into thinking this is the only right way? what can i do to stop this? i’m so tired and i son’t know what to do.

My sister Laura is set to get married in just three months. She has decided to have a wedding without any children present. I completely understand and respect her choice. However, the situation becomes a bit tricky for my husband, Jake, and me because we have a newborn who is only three months old. When Laura initially informed us about her decision for a child-free event, I thought she might make an exception for immediate family, especially for newborns who need constant care.

I approached Laura to discuss the possibility of bringing our baby to the wedding. I explained that I'm currently breastfeeding and leaving our baby with someone else for an entire day isn't something we're comfortable with. Furthermore, since the wedding is in another city, we would have to rely on a stranger or leave our baby far away at home with someone else. I shared my anxiety about being separated from our newborn for such an extended period, hoping she would understand.

However, Laura was quite firm in her decision. She emphasized that allowing our baby at the wedding would be unfair to other guests who are adhering to the 'no children' rule. I suggested that perhaps we could bring our baby just for the ceremony and leave before the reception, but she refused that too. She wants the entire day to be free of children.

I expressed to her that if our baby can't come, then it would be difficult for us to attend. We considered having only Jake go, but it felt odd and impractical. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving our baby even with Jake and attending alone. Laura became quite upset and mentioned that her wedding should take precedence and implied that I needed to learn to detach from our baby for just a few days. She stressed the importance of her day and seemed to expect us to accommodate her without considering our stance.

Is it really unreasonable for me to prioritize my baby’s needs over attending the wedding? I respect it’s Laura’s day and her rules, but a little empathy from her side would have been appreciated. Now, I almost feel like Laura is being a bit of a bridezilla.

If this situation unfolded on a reality TV show, viewers might be split. Some would likely sympathize with my position as a new mother not wanting to part from her baby, while others might support Laura's steadfast adherence to her child-free wedding policy. The drama and conflict might even boost the show's ratings as audience members debate over family obligations versus respecting the bride's wishes.

I cann't help but wonder, am I realy the asshole for not being willing to attend my sister's wedding because my baby isn't welcomed?

I'm almost 30. I swear I tried my absolute hardest to make a life for myself I wouldn't regret. I remember even from middle school age want to not-regret anything. I tried to make meaningful connections, do well in school, and be true to my desires.

I wanted a career I could be proud of, friendships and family I could count on, and most of all to fall in love.

I worked and worked and worked. I got into dental school and worked even harder. I hope you can understand how hard this was for me. I'm not naturally gifted. But I got through and graduated. I have at least a job now. I know that's good. But it's absolutely not enough. I thought if I fought my hardest I could make a life I love. But all I have is an empty life I hate.

My family cannot understand how I'm unmarried at this age. They are traditional and I have Indian heritage for context. My younger brother recently got married. After this my single status was very difficult for them to accept. I think now, they view me as unmarriable.

I have significant debt due to the cost of my education. I have full confidence I can pay it off within 4 years. But it is a constant source of stress for me.

I became very depressed during my education. And I have been diagnosed with major depression for 8 years. I did not take this lying down. I went to therapists. I'm seeing a therapist now. I've tried many medications. I've tried acupuncture, spiritual healing, and exercise/diet changes. But I couldn't shake it.

I have one good friend. But to be very honest with you they are someone who asks me for money consistently. I feel pathetic saying it, but it's the truth.

I think there is no escaping this terrible life. There is no chance for me to live happily now.

I know many many people are suffering in the same way I am. And my heart aches for them.

I want to know. Is there anyone who has been this low and found a good life after this? In my opinion, I am terminally ill and I fear there is no hope for me. I would appreciate any advice or perspectives.

One day online I met a boy 13 year old me didn’t think anything of it we turned into really good friends then he asked me out I said “yes” because I liked him to the older we got the more off and on we became but we never fought or argued we just wanted to experiment other people I didn’t have a problem with it because we made a promise to eachother that we will always find a way back to eachother and get married and have kids things like that he was my first everything even though I seen him many times anytime I seen him it felt like the first time i couldn’t help but get shy everytime. As time passed by we got older we didn’t talk for a couple months because he got a girlfriend I respected it so it didn’t bother me one random day I got a FaceTime call from a number I didn’t have saved or didn’t recognize it was him we didn’t speak for 6 months and suddenly he calls it was like a dream kind of we laughed and talked he wanted to meet and he told me how much he missed me how could he miss me but he was still with her it didn’t make sense I brushed it off later that day I made an excuse to get off the phone.A couple hours passed and he texted me with a paragraph saying how he messed up and he’s sorry and he thinks we should be together when we are older or just stay how we are he said that he loves me but he loves his girlfriend too I responded “if you loved her you wouldn’t be texting me” he replied and said “your right but you’ve been there through everything at my lowest you were there I’m gonna always have love for you “ I replied “im confused what’s wrong why are you acting like this “ he replied “you wouldn’t understand I’m not gonna give up on us even if you do I’m so sorry” I started to get angry because nothing was making sense I replied “what do you think I am huh I’m tired of being everyones second option I’m not doing it you love her stay with her don’t text or call me “ he replied “how could you be my second option if you were my first choice “ I replied “if you were for me there wouldn’t be any choices” he replied “you fuck it up for us not just you me too we both did everytime we got together it was right person wrong timing that’s why I’m in this situation I’m in because we couldn’t get the timing right” he typed “let’s talk on Wednesday please “ I replied “okay”

He replied “I love you “

I replied “ I love you most”

The next day he texted me “Goodmoring text me when you wake up “

I texted back that I was up

Hours went by no reply

Then I sent a text at 7:34 pm

Didn’t go through

I turned to my sister and asked if I could use her phone I typed his number in her phone and sent a text

It went through

I sent another text

“Why did you block me ?”

He read it

I hear my phone “DING DING DING”

I go to grab my phone he unblocked me and said “can you just leave me alone you said to stop texting you and to leave you alone that’s what I’m doing “

“Did you text my girlfriend ?“

“Just let me be happy stop tryna ruin my relationship “

Tears form up in my eyes I didn’t understand why I replied “I didn’t text anyone “

3 days passed a notification popped up someone requested my account I requested there’s back boom I’m accepted I click on there story ……. My stomach started to turn my eyes felt like they were on fire it was his girlfriend posted him and her but that’s not only it her 3 highlight was a picture and in the picture there was a baby his girlfriend was 6 months pregnant it all started to make sense now I didn’t know what to do it’s not like I could do anything all I did was cry and cry I had to accept another women’s baby will have the eyes of my first love the eyes that 13 year old me looked into maybe in another life He didn’t break our promise .

I'm with this girl. I love her, she loves me, no doubt. We're both girls, btw. But sometimes, I feel a little desperate. I do my best to please her. Making the best choices for her, making her happy.

Doing her kinks, notably. I don't force myself, but that's mainly because she likes that and make her happy. But I don't know why, I'm always under the impression that something goes wrong when I want something, want to do something my way. It doesn't work, or doesn't happen. Must be my fault, I guess. And yet... yesterday we did something that should've lead to a big climax for me. That was something like sexting, online. There is some times when I can write her long wall of texts to make her happy. And at this moment, I realized she was doing something else, was playing to something while writing to me, with long pauses between our messages, while I was waiting for her, while I was thinking we were sharing an intimate moment. It made me so sad. She swore to pay more attention to my self-wellness. I'm ashamed to say I don't fully believe it.

There's so many times when I don't feel considerate enough... But i'm certain she loves me as much as I love her, that she does her best, and she has a lot of things to do. It's not always easy to be with me. But... can't help but being sad, not confident. Not self confident. I'm afraid. I don't know what to do. We don't want to leave each other.

Wish you the best everyone, have a nice day, thanks for reading, it helps letting out some steam.

Bye !

The world moves in patterns. Some call it fate, others call it coincidence. But she? She calls it cruel.

She didn’t mean to notice him. She didn’t mean to find comfort in his presence, in the way he existed so effortlessly while she felt like she was constantly trying to prove she belonged. But the universe, with all its twisted humor, the way the way it seemed to thread him into her life without permission. It kept bringing them together—always almost, never quite. It was infuriating. It was ridiculous. It was… comforting.

And maybe, just maybe, that was the scariest part.

Maybe it was a test. Maybe it was a lesson. Or maybe it was nothing at all, and she was just a fool searching for meaning where there was none.

But if that were true… why did it hurt?

yo i kno this prob sounds dumb but i swear i cant stop thinkin bout this girl i went on a date with like 5 years ago. like for real it was just one date, ONE, and i was only 15 but that whole thing stuck in my head like glue. i’m 20 now bro. twenty. i’ve finished high school, started college, got a job, met other girls, like life kept movin on but my brain?? nah, it stayed right there in that one lil coffee shop where we sat n laughed like idiots bout dumb stuff. nd i dont even kno if she ever thought of me again after that day but here i am, five years later, still wonderin wht could've happend. like we didn’t even kiss or anything, it wasn’t even deep, but i still remember what she was wearin, how she smiled, the way she looked straight in my eyes like no one else ever did since. nd i hate it cause it’s blockin me now. like i go on dates now n i always compare. always thinkin “she wouldn’t say that” or “it didn’t feel like this back then.” it’s messin up everything. like i wanna move on, i wanna feel something real again but it’s like my heart’s still parked in 2019 waitin for a moment that’s never comin back.

i tried forgettin her, swear i did. deleted her socials, stopped bringin her up, even told myself she prob don’t even remember me, but it don’t help. it’s like she’s just there in my head rent free 24/7. nd it’s not even just her, it’s like what she represented, u feel me? that lil spark, that feelin of maybe being seen for once, like i wasn’t just some background dude. nd now every time i talk to a new girl, it feels forced, fake, like im pretending to care when all i’m really doing is wishin it felt like that again. nd then i feel bad cause these girls didn’t do nuthin wrong, they just not her. i know it’s dumb to be stuck on someone from when i was a kid but i cant help it. maybe it's cause nothin better came after, maybe cause i never really healed from the way it just ended and she ghosted me like it meant nothin. i try to act chill bout it but inside i’m lowkey still hurt. like why did she smile at me like that if she was just gonna disappear? nd now i sit here thinkin maybe the problem’s me. maybe im just not built for love or whatever. or maybe i just been holdin onto a fantasy too long n it’s time to let it die. but man… why can’t i stop thinkin about someone who probably forgot my name?

What do men even want in a woman? Seriously?? I’m 33 now and honestly, I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I’ve been polite, patient, understanding, supportive… and still I get ghosted, cheated on, or told “you’re amazing, but I’m not ready.” I’m not trying to be dramatic, I swear, but how many versions of myself do I need to become before one of them is finally enough? I’m not saying I’m perfect—far from it—but I’ve put in the effort. I communicate clearly, I listen, I compromise. And every time, it still falls apart without warning. I get left standing there like, okay… what was I missing this time?

Some of these men said they wanted “a woman who has her life together.” Cool. I’ve got a good job, a decent apartment, hobbies, close friends, and a stable routine. Guess what? Then I’m “too independent” or “intimidating.” One said it felt like I didn’t need him. Isn’t that the point? To want someone, not need them? Others said they wanted kindness, softness, warmth. I gave that. I gave so much of it that I started losing pieces of myself trying to keep them comfortable. Then they’d just… fade out, like it was all too easy. Do men want chaos? Do they want to fix something? Because apparently being emotionally stable isn’t sexy unless you’ve got some sort of crisis attached.

I tried asking. Literally. I’ve sat across from a guy, calmly asking him what went wrong, what he was looking for, what I could’ve done better. You know what I got? “It’s not you, it’s me.” Classic. Useless. Vague. Like he downloaded that line straight out of a break-up simulator. I’ve had exes come back later, saying they messed up, they didn’t realize what they had. But at that point I’ve already done the work to move on. I’m not anyone’s checkpoint on their way to emotional maturity. It feels like no matter how good or balanced I try to be, it’s never the right time, never the right me. I’m seriously starting to wonder if there’s even a version of a woman that actually fits what they want;

I’ve heard men complain about being used, being lied to, being pressured. I get it, truly. Relationships are hard on everyone. But when you show up with honesty and care and still get dismissed like a failed audition, it’s hard not to get cynical. I’m tired of being told I’m “too much” when I show real feelings and “not enough” when I hold back. It’s like there’s some imaginary Goldilocks zone I’ve never been able to reach. So I’m asking—genuinely—what do men want in a woman? Because if it’s not emotional stability, self-sufficiency, loyalty, and clear communication… then what the hell is it?

I’m not angry, just… done pretending this makes sense. If you’re a guy reading this, and you’ve ever broken up with someone like me and couldn’t explain why—do you even know? I’d love to believe it’s not all just about looks or ego or timing, but damn, it’s starting to feel that way. I’ll keep being polite, kind, respectful. That’s who I am. But I’ve stopped bending. I won’t become a puzzle piece just to fit into someone else’s picture. Thanks for listening to this rant. Honestly, I just needed to say it out loud.

I think I got my best Karen in my career... I let you see :)

It was nearing the end of my shift, and I was the sole staff member left, effectively making me the interim supervisor for the evening. Just as we were preparing to close down, a woman burst into the store, visibly livid over our lack of decaffeinated coffee options. Despite explaining that I was the acting manager, and that our coffee machines were already cleaned and shut down for the day as it was only five minutes until closing time, she remained unfazed. I suggested another café just around the corner, but this only fueled her anger further.

She lost her temper, threatening to "find a real manager and have my lazy self fired," before hurling a half-full cup of sloppy cappuccino residue at me. Her rage didn’t stop there as it looked like she was about to vault the counter in a fit of fury. Underneath the counter, my hand gripped a hammer, thinking to myself, "Please don't make me use this."

In a desperate bid to de-escalate the situation, I grabbed the phone, pretending I was about to call the police. This seemed to work as she stormed out. I quickly locked the door behind her for safety. Shockingly, minutes later, she returned, charging towards the door and smacked straight into the glass like a confused bird hitting a window.

If this episode were filmed for a reality show, imagine the dramatic music and slow-motion replay of the customer hitting the door, followed by a confessional scene where I’d express my astonishment and frustration over the night’s chaos. The viewers would probably be split—half sympathizing with me having to deal with such a wild situation alone, and the others howling with laughter at the surreal slapstick of the moment.

This kind of intense personal encounter really makes you reconsider the unpredictable nature of working in customer service. You never expect your night to turn into an impromptu action movie scene!

Our children, a 16-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy, are fervently committed to environmental conservation, a value my husband (41) and I (38) wholeheartedly endorse. We've always embraced the philosophy "use gently and conserve," which we trace back to the ideas promoted by the Roosevelts.

Recently, after returning from a summer camp where a well-known actor emphasized the urgent need to cut carbon emissions by 66% to avert an environmental disaster, our kids' behavior took a sharp turn. Despite his own use of a private jet and multiple properties, his message hit home with them. They became overly aggressive, confronting friends and relatives about their environmental habits, leading our son to vandalize a friend's Mustang as an act of environmental protest.

To curb this growing fanaticism, my husband and I decided to teach them a practical lesson by challenging them to reduce their own carbon footprints by 66% until the start of the school year. We simplified our home energy sources to demonstrate achievable cuts, but even then, they struggled. They now had restricted car use, limited air conditioning, a diet without meat, and minimal use of appliances to truly understand the impact of such a drastic cutback.

The reality of their choices soon hit them, and within two days, they were pleading to return to their normal lives. We explained the hypocrisy of advocating for a lifestyle they themselves couldn't bear to maintain and imposed stricter limitations whenever they criticized others' environmental efforts. Following a particularly public complaint on Facebook about their restrictions, we cut off their internet access, nudging them further towards their emission reduction goal.

This approach has garnered mixed reactions. While many relatives who had been targeted by the kids' criticisms felt vindicated, others, including my mother-in-law and father-in-law, accused us of being harsh and even reported us to family services. Growing up on a farm taught us the value of true grit, and we believe these lessons are crucial.

Imagine if all this were unfolding on a reality TV show! Viewers would likely be split, with some applauding us for teaching a tough lesson in responsibility and sustainability, while others might view us as too severe, creating drama and drawing in a larger audience intrigued by the clash of environmental ideals versus practical living.

I wonder, would being on a reality show change public opinion about our approach?

Heyah👋🏻😄!!

I'm a short girly, and I was wondering if being short is a good thing when choosing a person to date🤔? I'm also 24, and I worry that my 4 foot 11 inch tall frame might make dudes think of me as a child🫠? I get the "you're super cute" instead of "you're super pretty/s*xy" sorta thing.

Also, because I'm super short my body proportions might seem a bit odd, as I have a size H bust... And that has confused a few of my male and female friends, cause I look like one of those anime characters who's child-like but has an "unrealistic" chest size🥴. They're real by the way, and I've always wanted size C or D, but..... Money😭💸!!

So, I'm asking the public... Anonymously, if my short stature, and front watermelons would turn people off🫠?

So it's 6 am and the 28 of August. And i'm feeling a bit meh and my head kinda of a mess. Soon It's gonna be my (online) Friend's birthday and i'd like to give a drawing/card but i haven't started yet. At the same i'm kinda thinking about what I can do to make this next year as decent as possible. Today i didn't actually get to study cause we went out and after i was exhausted. Thankfully i had cooked again before for dinner and had leftovers. :) (Still have some!) This summer i've been trying to kinda get better ig. The past year was probably one of the worst. And even the ones before were also pretty bad. I've been trying build good habits. Still am, but i'm not sure how progress i actually made. Mostly i've been trying to build easy cozy mornings since that was one of the parts of my day i struggled a lot with and i had a lot of anxiety. Also I think that if i can start the day ok the rest of the day might also be ok-ish. The rest of the day Is Still kind of a blur tbh. But i've been trying to study some material i struggled with last year and i'm halfway. Also there's some work for next year that I might be able to predict more or less and i'd like to start It to be ahead. Still i am kinda questioning if my efforts are really working. like what if i'm not getting better? What If It's not working? Or worse, what if It doesn't change anything? What if nothing of what I do in general ammounts to anything? Especially since i already ruined two years (school years specifically but almost 6 in general) because of mental health issues getting worse. what if It's already too late to fix anything? What if i permanently ruined everything? What If It gets bad again? Yeah during those years my grades weren't horrible, but i could've done so much better. (In general also, not just accademically) And honestly that did affect me a lot and made things even worse.