Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

!!VENT!!

sure.. haha its my first time talking or writing about my feelings :) but I'll try to explain it as clear as i can. so.. i dont know i feel so so sooooooo overwhelmed and stressed even in smallest things, but i keep procrastinating and it makes me hate myself more... i wanna do it but i just cant.. its like my mind acts on its own like copying the homework from answers and not doing it myself - i wanna do it, i do really! but... ugh.. i hate it.. and this is the first problem i guess..

and others are like, hmm maybe very very low self esteem?? haha i know it sounds pathetic but i cant even trust myself with simplest things.. for example lets say i did the dishes an hour ago, then my mom comes and tells me that i havent done it. And i'll automatically start rethinking about it, doubting myself and manipulating myself into thinking i really didnt do it... i know its just my lame fantasies and overthinking.. but it makes my life even more harder... generally we can say my memory, head, imagination and everything related with mind is a mess!! complete dark mess!! it feels so so soooo foggy that i cant even think properly sometimes....and other problem is that i dont even trust myself with my own freaking emotions or thoughts!!! i feel like my mind is manipulating me into thinking or just making up my emotions and opinions.... i dont even trust myself.... let alone others.... i dont even trust my parents fully.... and i feel bad for it... they've done nothing but love me and support me... spend dozen of money for my education and wants.... but what about me?... im a psychopath who even doubts her love for her family!!! i feel like im faking everything and im just a evil ungrateful heartless monster inside.. who dont deserve this much opportunities.. support... love.. and trust.... they rely on me while im also lost and trying to find myself through the darkness and fogginess of my mind... i feel so useless... talentless... like my friends and family would be better off without me causing them to worry about my crazy mental health, extreme mood swings minimum twice a day, my dark jokes that worry them instead of making them laugh.... and my teachers.. who trust me... believe that i could get into good uni and take 8,5 or 9 score from IELTS (yea, english isnt my first language) while im just a dumb mess that doesnt deserve all of these... i think ur getting bored or smth... i just dont know what to say or how to explain this.. this failure.. me... oh yea another thing :) haha my writing is messy too... anyways wish u patience dealing with me!!! XD

and also i feel like my mind is a monster... it is actually XD when i wanna improve myself, when i wanna get out of this mess... my mind dont let me... it wants to be depressed... suicidal... stressed all the time... telling me that i dont deserve to be happy when im also a burden to others... and a lot more... i dont even understand it myself

(friend list follows: Katy, Amy, Barley, Harley, Ella, Will, JJ, Tasha, Mindy)

So more friendgroup stuff.

I sit at a table with Amy, JJ, Mindy, Will, Katy, and one of Mindy's friends. Tasha, Harley, and Barley all sit at their own table. I'm still technically friends with Barley, we still talk and vibe yk, but I don't talk to Tasha and Harley as much as I used to. Tasha, Amy, and Mindy are all dating eachother.

In the mornings, we have morning holding. Everyone who doesn't go to breakfast goes to the gym and we sit with our grade levels and socialize until we go to class. When I get to the gym, usually Barley's there already. (Amy, Tasha, JJ, and Mindy all go to breakfast.) Ella arrives later as does Harley. Katy enters the gym at the same time I do.

If Barley's already there, we talk yk, we vibe just like normal. But then, when Harley arrives, and I've become used to this, I become invisible. If I was sitting next to Barley, I move up and sit next to Katy, or sometimes Ella if Katy's not there that day, or I just move and sit alone if neither of them are there. Even though I'm used to disappearing, it still feels not too good.

At lunch, you know the seating arrangement. The seats aren't the same two weeks in a row usually. But Amy always, and I mean ALWAYS sits between JJ and Mindy. I sit next to Katy. Will's new-ish (he was homeschooled, then came back to actual school), so he doesn't really have a set place. I vibe with JJ, Amy, Katy, and Will. I don't talk to Mindy's friend. And I feel like Mindy hates my guts for whatever reason. She doesn't even ever glance my way during lunch, not once the whole lunch period.

JJ and Amy are OBSESSED with Genshin Impact. Once they start talking about it, everyone around it is gone in a puff of smoke. And by everyone, usually just me. They still talk with Will and Mindy, just about Genshin. Me and Katy, who don't play Genshin, are left on the outside. Yeah, we all have common interests, like K-pop and Alien Stage, but Genshin tends to take over sometimes.

Ella's pretty chill. We vibe. We have our inside jokes. "CaN i PeT tHaT dAaAwWwG??" "diD You WaSH yO AsS ToDAY??" but she sits at her lunch table with her friend group.

Harley sometimes will turn and talk to Amy. Then they'll turn back to her own table and start talking to Tasha and Barley again. (they use she/they pronouns so I'm tryna use a mix of them lol). Tasha and I don't talk. Not much, anyway.

Me, Barley, and Tasha are all in band together, but Barley's not continuing next year and Tasha is changing schools.

Sometimes, Amy and JJ forget that I exist at all. I wait for them at class change so we can walk together, but still they sometimes don't talk to me. And they usually never wait for me when I get out of class after they do. Amy waits for Mindy and that's all.

More on Mindy: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HATES ME. No idea! At all. She doesn't look at me, doesn't talk to me, doesn't associate with me.

I'm just getting very sick of my friend group. I'm done with being invisible, done with Mindy hating me for no reason, done with the people who stop talking to me when one specific friend is around. I'm done. And idk what to do because I don't want to ditch them all and be alone, because we're literally a friend group of the outcasts of our grade. But what do you do when you're an outsider in a group of outsiders?

Some days, I convince myself I’m fine that I’m exaggerating, that I’m seeking attention, that I should just be braver. Other days, the truth slips out quietly: I’m not okay.

Not broken.

Not hopeless.

Just not okay.

I’ve ignored that truth for a long time, hoping it would fade. It didn’t. It waited. And now it shows up in my body, in my sleep, in the days I can’t make myself go.

I don’t want to disappear from my life.

I don’t want anxiety to decide for me.

I just want someone even myself to believe that what I’m feeling is real, even if it doesn’t look dramatic from the outside.

Maybe this chapter isn’t about weakness at all.

Maybe it’s about how long I’ve been strong without being held.

So I've recently joined a new workplace, and it's a hotel. NGL, I got the job because I know the General Manager and was offered an opening due to my circumstances. Even though I have no prior experience in the industry, I did have experience with customer service and I'm totally willing to learn along the way.

Granted, it's six-day work-week and lower payment for me, but I get meals, a uniform with laundry benefits and a travel allowance. The best part is that it's close to my place and pretty safe for me to work in.

Also, everyone's been really friendly towards me.

This issue is that, despite being offered the job TWICE, once I finally accepted (I was reluctant because I didn't want take advantage of knowing the Manager, it felt.... I dunno, weird to me. But my situation made me accept), I find out that they don't have a workstation available for me. Not even a laptop. They were ok to have ME bring my own laptop and convert it to be used only with their applications, but wouldn't get me my own. They wouldn't repair a desktop they had literally sitting outside the Manager's office. And I'd brought it up multiple times, including to the Manager but after some half-hearted checking, it went back to the default of "You need to adjust". Nevermind that that new guy who came after me got them working on a setup for him (I wondered for a moment if it's because I'm a female that I was ignored)!

Additionally, the ones who've been assigned to supervise me/ use my talents have no idea what to do with me.

One of my supervisors is a lady who's so used to working alone that she absolutely won't budge or co-operate with me to get work done.

A major part of her reporting is extracted from an Excel sheet she uses to keep track of her work. She assigned me the task of helping her using that same sheet. That's on her computer. That can't be used by 2 different users at once.

Ok.... SO, I made a copy of the same sheet in Google sheets and shared the access with her. Her response? "I can't use this. I'll just use my Excel sheet".

............... Brilliant.

Ok, attempt #2 - I copy her sheet into a shared folder and update THAT for her. All she needed to do was use Ctrl+ A + C in the copy sheet and then paste the data into her own Excel sheet in her computer. Easy right?

Not for her! She said it's "double work" for her and she doesn't have the time.

I've asked her MULTIPLE times to give me just 5 minutes with her sheet to update it (I used the Google sheet version, so I can access it on her system.

She keeps refusing, saying she has too much work to do. BUT THEN, she complains that the sheet isn't being updated.

It is. Just on my Google sheets.

She only leaves the system when she's at a meeting with the Manager or at lunch. I've tried accessing her system then, but multiple times have been interrupted by guests and by the time they move on, she's back and I'm evicted.

As for my other supervisor, he had me working in the restaurant in the mornings, (nothing bad, just some waiter stuff that I was ok with) and wanted me to acquire feedback and contacts from event guests (pretty tough as I hadn't gotten the uniform then). BUT THEN, he said he wanted ME - a lone female - to go on what's called "sales/marketing calls" here. Basically, I've got to drum up new clients by visiting businesses in-person, like a door-to-door salesman. But alone.

I wasn't comfortable with this and I've repeatedly told him that I had no experience with such things (being raised abroad in a different culture, I didn't even have the language down pat). I couldn't outright tell him I didn't want to do it or even know HOW to do it, because it would bring trouble to the Manager. As usual, my concern was ignored and I nwas just given an EXTREMELY basic, almost Cliffnotes style instructions on what to do. When I asked to accompany one of the employees who actually does it as part of their job, I was rejected with a lame excuse. I was even told by multiple people that sales calls weren't supposed to be part of my work.

But, hey, no-one who was actually in charge of my work cared. So I stopped caring.

One time when I asked for access the excel for my female supervisor ( I framed it I her as taking a 15 min break while I updated the sheet) her response was she can't give it because her work keeps her at the office upto 2 hrs past her shift end, but if I was willing to work extra time, she'll give my the system.

I just "Ok" and walked away.

She's been upset about my choice to leave on time as much as possible ever since she sprang an overtime request on me and I informed her that I had other plans and couldn't work late. Even though I ended up cancelling the plans because she asked, she was sour about it, asking why I was there after my shift end, and I had to point out that SHE asked ME to stay behind to help her..... And it wasn't even for anything that urgent. It was a task that could have been easily solved with a simple message forward. Even she knew everyone else had gone, but still wanted me to stay back.

So here I am. Trapped and trying very hard not to muddy the waters of my existence. While everyone's polite and friendly (upto a point) , I don't have any actual friends here or anyone who even understands me.

I'm just looking for advice o. How to survive working here without having a breakdown or pissing someone off till I get a better job.

Yeah, uh, shocking thing coming up. Maybe in a few months we may be moving to a different home. We bought some property, we paid off a large amount of debt, and the houses are almost done! We made a good investment, since it's a larger house with I think joint houses, and it's larger than an apartment we live in. I'm also kinda scared, since I'm not in my familiar place anymore, I'm way farther than when we last moved, and what if the kids there think I'm still weird? Plus, next year, my class is getting shuffled, plus new kids are coming, so what if they also find their own groups without me, and even in the new neighborhood I'm alone and left out? If that will happen, then guess what, it's a sign the universe is telling me I'm destined for isolation, because who needs people anyways? I heard hermits can be happy being alone, and plus, I wanted to befriend a new kid in this grade earlier, it never happened, so I give up. At least it's easier than failing over and over again. I'd feel worse because even when we shuffled, I'd have no one miss me at all, or even cross their minds. I won't be missed by anyone from school at all. An incident yesterday, when I was reading a Naruto book, 2 kids were asking each other if they liked anime, both which said no and called it boring. Now, I don't care if you like or hate it, but in that context with me around, I felt bad, like they were talking about me.

I can be tough! I can be hard! Why are you suggesting I show vulnerability, if I can get hurt!? As a child, an adult, in life! Who'd wanna reveal all their weaknesses to a random person who's a friend? Maybe they're hiding their plan to hurt you, to humiliate you, to degrade and make nasty jokes about you online in spaces for months just to remind you you're an idiot, or leave you behind because they think you're a weirdo!? My brother is right, I never had a friend and never will! He's found his species, yet I'm the only one remaining. People hurt each other, and I'm not gonna be caught in their crossfires. I feel like Sid, from Toy Story. Braces, kinda angry, friendless cus they're scary, we both cut up toys and reattach their parts, but mostly, I feel like a dumb nerd. I can know too much of a few subjects, especially science, and my brother really hates the "try-hards", the ones who are quiet and get high marks. He calls them lonely people. Bria my doll feels like a bad kid's art project! God, this version of me is....not at all what my younger self wanted. When I told my mom I knew way more than the class about the uh...puberty chapter that even the teacher acknowledged (I was surprised even the girls didn't know the thing after your period was the ovulation cycle which is when you are able to get pregnant), my mom said I was a nice R&D kid, which I thought she said sarcastically, before mom said it was a real compliment. But yeah, 6 y/o me would've never wanted this as her future. 6 y/o me would've called me now a "friendless nerd" too.

I feel like such a nerd for reading JJBA, like, the show's there for a reason! I already feel like a big nerd. No friends, have a niche interest, I have braces, I'm kinda short at 5'4", not really that pretty, and now I'm reading a manga and not watching the anime because I can't watch Netflix because my dad thinks JoJo is weird (seriously, if I tell him that JoJo has scenes like Giorno caressing Mista or that DIO is bi, he'll say it's a "woke" show, when really Araki did this to be even more bizarre), and I don't even know if JoJo airs where I live on Netflix. I'm a bigger nerd for reading Jojo. You know what's my future? A friendless, short, ugly, nerd, smart-ass, snitch version of me. Yeah, no wonder I don't have friends. And mom's lying when she says I'll meet them as an adult! I won't! They'll only short-term friends and not good ones, like what dad said. In fact, screw even finding love at all, because right now, dad said him and mom are just lucky. Not everyone is lucky. They got lucky and managed somehow for 16 years. Seriously, whenever I hear mom tell me she sometimes hate some aspects about dad (he can get overly angry sometimes), I think they're gonna divorce because it all starts from there, right? Plus, mom is a child of divorce, so maybe the cycle repeats. 5 years down the line (I'm 13), I'll be friendless, and then my hobbies will go away forever because of immense IGCSE homework and whatnot, and bam! Next friendless person in the world's billion populated list of friendless, 25 y/o virgins! Even my classmates all have someone! And because of that, they all act like idiots in school! They all have fun and goof off! And those who score higher are just smarter than me. They're not try-hards, they're not-try-at-all because they're smarter than me. And you know what, I will become a lonely, 25 y/o virgin with no hobbies like every adult on Earth, movies say it and real people say it. Then when I turn 30, I'll become 70kg at 5'4" dwarf heights, I'll still be a virgin and I'll be called old with multiple skin tags and wrinkles. I even feel like a messiah next to my classmates because I predicted my true future! Theirs are different because they have people, I don't. Again, by 30, I'll be fat, still short, still ugly, I'll develop skin tags next and maybe my eczema will worsen, I'll be lonely, and I'll lose every time for any hobby and work away in a 9-9 job. Exactly like Bridget Jones! She's what every woman on social media is at 30! Heck, they make videos fearing when they turn 30! I won't find love by then unless I make myself the brothel-girl, because I've heard that's how you get pimped out by someone. Still, my future is dull. And 70kg at 5'4" is very bad, I'll weigh as much as my 43 y/o dad and he's 5'11"!

Anxiety is good for you. I'm not drained, I don't even know it feels to be drained. Maybe anxiety and this constant worrying is good, you're saying adulthood isn't bad because movies sell that. Adulthood sucks because you work 9-9, you lose hobbies due to exhaustion, and if you're a woman, please! I'll still be short at 5'4", and I won't remain 45kg, I'll become 70kg at 30! That's overweight territory! I won't have friends because office is a jungle of competition, so me worrying and giving up is normal! Dad finds those people at 30 like one of my uncles who lives with his parents because he's in a PhD kinda thing and he's super energetic "weird". I thought he was 20, not 35! So if this were the case, look what happens. Dad thinks they're weird. It's all a movie's lie when they say it'll get better. Dad may work 9-6, but I don't think every adult works for that long. I heard in some countries they slog for 9-9, and slogging is good. At least I'd be occupied by work and not people probably secretly wishing harm to me because I'm competition in the workplace! I ain't listening to mom when they say bonding is seen each other's strengths and as much you're both competition you shouldn't bring each other down. In the office, there's a war. There's a scheme where everyone wants to humiliate or berate you. I'm the only Bucciarati in a space of La Squadra Esecuzioni assassins! I have always had such a critical mind. As much as I hate having it, it's the only thing keeping me alive. It's like having a vegetable, you hate it but you gotta eat it to live.

I'm 39 and feeling like I'm drowning; it's just been too much lately. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I'm running a marathon with no finish line in sight. My husband? He's there physically, but that's about it. It's like living with a ghost. When did life become so exhausting?

Every morning, I gear up to tackle the chaos. My kids, they're the light of my life, but man, they can be a handful. School lunches, homework, tantrums - it's never-ending. Do you ever feel like you're on autopilot, juggling so much that you can't catch your breath? My husband's in his own world, and I can't remember the last time we had an actual conversation. It's like talking to a wall most days.

At home, I'm doing the all-nighter thing without the party vibes. Laundry, dishes, cleaning up messes, and running after the kiddos... Oh, and did I mention working too? Sometimes I stare at the ceiling, wondering if this is it. Is this what adulting is all about? I try to stay hopeful, but it feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Self-care? That ship sailed a while ago.

I've tried to talk to him, but it's like we're speaking different languages. How do you get through to someone who doesn't seem to care? It's like he's on a permanent vacation from our life. I just want him to notice me, help out a little. It's not too much to ask, right? Sometimes a hug or a simple "How was your day?" would mean the world. Emojis can't solve everything, but 😢 sums it up pretty well.

Still, I tell myself it won't always be like this. Kids grow up, things change. It's just a stormy phase, and I'll come out the other side stronger. I hold onto that hope like a lifeline. Anyone else feeling something similar? Let's hang in there. Life has a funny way of turning things around when you least expect it. I'm ready for that silver lining.

Currently 7:20 pm. Trying to study for test tomorrow and pretend i'm not absolutely terrified and completly overwhelmed by everything i need to and alle the deadlines i need to follow. I have a test practically every day. Not great. I'm tired, i'm burnt out and demotivated and Just the thought of what i have to do and study makes me wanna throw up. I've been trying to fix things recently. But i messed up the last few days. Felt horrible. Got anxious and procrastinated. Tbh i've been feeling like this for a while. 2 years and something i think. It's annoying. I Just feel so tired and everything feels like too much even things i used to like, like hobbies, drawing, movies or even basic things. Like just cleaning or cooking or eating. And while i do try to fix things It Just doesn't work. I always mess up and go back to the start point or even worse. Idk why. Maybe i'm just stupid. But i'm so tired and i feel like such a failure. Everyone else does this just fine. They're improving and getting Better and better. Why am i struggling? I just keep getting worse. Sometimes i just wanna sleep and hide and forget about It. But most nights i can't even sleep because i just feel so horrible. Today i didn't go to school because i didn't sleep almost at all last night, i felt miserable and the thought of going made wanna throw up. And my friend said She over heard some of our classmates talk bad about me behind my back. Honestly sometimes i fell like i deserve It, them being mean and other bad things happening. Cause they are amazing and beautiful and smart and i just feel like a horrible person messing up everything over and over again. I'm so tired.

Hi, so I met my group of friends in middle school, and we always got along really well, but since high school, I feel like there's already a favorite and that I'm the one who's being ignored more and more. And when I say something or remove myself from the online group, they don't even bother to add me back. Every day I have hope of seeing them at school, but I'm constantly alone. They ignore me and completely avoid me, and they don't even come to ask how I am. And when I do find them, I either feel hated or completely ignored.

Always being perceived as something I'm not, and it hurts because it comes from my family : <

To my stalkers.They will never see me speak and talk to me in person until they die. They will never meet me in person. They will never know how great I am in person and how funny I am and all those wonderful things. Lol.

so, there’s this thing i’ve been doing lately and it’s probably the dumbest thing you’ll hear all day, but it works for me during those totally unpredictable, chaotic moments where i feel like the entire universe is flipping me the bird and my anxiety’s about to skyrocket into orbit; i’ve been forcing myself to just breathe, like literally standing there in the middle of whatever’s going down, inhaling so deep that it feels like i’m about to burst, then slowly letting it out like i’m some kind of zen master or whatever, and yeah it sounds super corny but focusing on your breath actually forces your mind to stop freaking out for just long enough to not lose it; i also try to write things down, and i don’t mean a fancy bullet journal or some crap you see on pinterest, i mean i grab the nearest scrap of paper, napkin, whatever, and i start scribbling every chaotic thought or worry or even a stupid doodle if i can’t find words, because there’s something about seeing it all outside of your brain that makes it less intimidating and gives you a bit of a laugh at how ridiculous some of it sounds; and then there’s my go-to move, which is just dropping everything and going for a walk, no matter the weather, and yeah, sometimes it’s pouring rain or freezing, but the sheer act of putting one foot in front of the other, feeling the ground beneath me and just noticing the tiny details around like the color of the sky or the way the air smells helps me anchor myself to reality; oh and don’t even get me started on music, because blasting your favorite playlist, the one that makes you feel like a badass, can literally change your entire mood and shift your perspective from ‘everything sucks’ to ‘okay, maybe i can handle this for a bit longer’; and if i’m really in deep, like spiraling kind of deep, i force myself to reach out to someone, whether it’s a friend who’ll let me vent without judgment or even just sending a quick “hey i’m struggling today” text, because as much as i hate to admit it, sometimes you just need to hear another human voice reminding you that you’re not as alone as your mind is making you feel; i also sometimes dive into something completely unrelated, like rewatching my favorite dumb tv show, because giving your brain a break from obsessing over uncertainty can be surprisingly powerful, and it’s not avoidance, it’s just giving yourself permission to rest and not be ‘on’ all the time; also, weirdly enough, i’ve found that setting the tiniest goals helps, like literally telling myself “just get through the next ten minutes” or “just clean one corner of the room” because ticking off even the smallest task gives you a tiny hit of accomplishment and sometimes that’s enough to keep going; but maybe the most important thing i’ve learned is to stop trying to predict or control everything because let’s be honest, none of us really know what’s coming next and pretending we do just exhausts us, so i’ve been trying to lean into the discomfort and tell myself “you’ve survived worse, you’ll survive this too” and weirdly enough, it helps to remember that i’m not the only one trying to navigate this crazy unpredictable life.

Allogations have made me fear for my safety. If there is no proof of wrongdoing, is my safety still at risk?

I feel like I'll never see her again, and it seems unfair because we didn't experience many things. She simply said she didn't want to talk, despite reaching out after I acted a priori regarding my mental health. These are things she supports, however, it seems that when it comes to causing the damage, things change.

I was willing to rebuild us, without further complications. Indeed, I could have caused more damage, but I was willing to face it. She observed that I was afraid of her reactions, precisely because of what I would do with them. Without a doubt, I went to the services of the institution where she worked, but she had no other choice.

The scandal that girl caused was monumental. I can't pretend to be ironclad all the time. I don't know if she is used to submissive treatment in circumstances like these or if her environment is, but I definitely am not. I don't like being at the mercy of the aftermath, drowning in silence.

Such an act as hers ultimately implied a failure to manage her whims, to a certain extent a definitive abandonment. It's feeling that after what she did and provoked in me, she simply ran away from me, though not for any reason of her own. It's watching our relationship fracture precisely because of her, even though she was the one who had caused it.

We can safely say that she left me. Friends, boyfriends, she ultimately remains indifferent. Indeed, I felt it was unfair. I must admit that as time went by, I began to notice that she wanted to make less of a contribution to the efforts our relationship entailed, amidst her other relationships. Without a doubt, she succumbed to these latter, to the point of even relying on them to make herself less responsible for her role in our relationship. They even intervened.

It must be said, for my part, in that relationship, I was at a level of commitment, more so than accepting it as a zone of tranquility. That commitment consisted of ensuring that the relationship maintained agreements by guiding us through it, respecting the freedom with which we arrived and continuing to be in it. I didn't see beyond that because that wasn't my goal, but that doesn't mean I missed something amidst those details I discarded to focus on that goal.

At this moment, I don't know where she is, or even if it's worth searching for her. After all, if she's not willing to do something about her reactions, if she's not willing to surrender to the increasing magnitude of them, then it makes sense to face a beginning that would end in the same fate, another abandonment. It's curious, but the last time we saw each other, she didn't set a date for the end of this phase between us. However, we would fall back into the same cycle.

I'm not even sorry that I should continue waiting for her, as it would be another way of beginning and ending with the same outcome, assuming she still maintains the same relationships that included the one she had with me. Otherwise, we could indeed observe a level of commitment, as she doesn't retain the possibility of escape with others, and is supported by them as well. However, this would consist of the cessation of relationships with her surroundings, which, given this abandonment, must result in a strengthening of cohesion, also given by protection amid the circumstances experienced between the next-to-last and last time I saw her.

I feel no hope of seeing her again, and it's definitive. It would be a highly probable path to frustration to assume that adverse conditions existed. Despite everything, I feel there's something I'm omitting, I have to admit.

Raised on my family's sprawling farm, my ancestors had tilled the soil for generations. Unlike them, I developed an early aversion to farm life, finding little joy in the endless dirt and the company of farm animals.

At the age of 18, I bid farewell to the rural lifestyle and relocated to a bustling city, embracing an urban existence I cherished, though I still visited the farm occasionally out of love for my family.

Sadly, three years ago, my mother passed away, and recently, my father died in a tragic accident at work. This left my younger brother, Daniel, and me as the only heirs to the family estate.

Having been financially supported by my parents throughout my life, I anticipated inheriting little and was content with just a few sentimental family items. However, during a meeting with the lawyer to discuss the will, Daniel and I were taken aback to learn that I had inherited three-quarters of the farm, with the remainder going to him.

The rationale behind such an unequal distribution baffled me, particularly since Daniel had devoted his life to the farm, unlike me. I suspected it might be because I have two children, but they were already provided for in the will.

Seeing Daniel's discomfort with the arrangement, I quickly assured him I would willingly transfer the majority of the land to him. Despite his initial protests, we agreed to resolve the matter privately at a later date.

I shared my decision with my wife, Lila, who was vehemently opposed. She argued that my choice was reckless, highlighting the farm's significant value. I contended that the land held value only for those with intentions to utilize it, which neither I nor our children had. Lila suggested keeping half the land just in case our children wished to farm in the future, an idea that I reluctantly agreed to.

Currently, Lila is not speaking to me, awaiting my final decision on the matter. This situation left me questioning: am I being unreasonable?

Picture this scenario playing out on a reality show. How would the audience react to such family drama and decision-making? Likely, viewers would be split, with some empathizing with my desire to do right by my brother, and others siding with Lila, arguing the practicality of retaining valuable assets. Reality television thrives on such conflicts, and this situation could provide ample fodder for dramatic scenes and viewer engagement.

I need some feedback to understand if my perspective on this family inheritance dilemma holds merit.

Like genuinely bro wtf is wrong with me . Today was going great then I binged ☹️ like honestly this happens so much so way tmr I’ll do better and im not better. Like genuinely if I HAD JUST STARTED LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN JAN BROOO MY BODY WOULD HAVE BEEN TEA