Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Have y’all heard of enoclophobia? A phobia of crowds, it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but for me it’s overwhelming

Basically my family owns a small business company, and they’re been forcing me to do presentations on the lastest products since I was young. And since there are lots of people in the auditorium, I panic, but I shouldn’t make humiliation of myself in this big event, so I just manage. By the end of the presentation, but face is blue;;

I’ve been telling my parents for years that I don’t want to be the heir of this company, and I don’t want to do these presentations, but I’m forced to, even my long term crush is going through the same situation, she doesn’t have any phobias tho… she doesn’t like me back bc of how stupid I act while on stage, buts it’s a natural born phobia, I wish I could get rid of it but how?

Recently, my best pal and I embarked on an adventure to the UK. Holding a UK passport due to my British father, I faced no issues with entry, unlike my friend who required a visa. Our travel plan included a layover in France, followed by a connecting flight to the UK.

Unfortunately, our onward journey hit a snag when the connecting flight got canceled. The next available flying option was scheduled for 2 PM the following day, resulting in an unexpected 17-hour wait. While the airline arranged complimentary hotel accommodations for stranded passengers, this privilege was not extended to my friend. Her visa restrictions meant she couldn't leave the airport and had to stay in a designated area brightly lit round the clock, accompanied by the constant din of nearby construction work. Seating was scarce, forcing her to resort to sleeping on the floor. To top it off, a mishap earlier had rendered our phone chargers useless after a water spill, and her phone battery was dwindling at 40%.

Faced with a choice, I opted to take advantage of the hotel stay, leaving my friend at the airport. This decision of mine didn't sit well with her; she accused me of abandoning her in her time of need. She expressed her fear and discomfort about staying alone in an unfamiliar and intimidating environment, and how much she had hoped for my company to ease her anxiety. Despite her protests and calling me self-centered, I justified my action by my exhaustion, having not slept for over a day. I felt staying together in discomfort was unnecessary when I had an alternative. However, this led her to question our friendship altogether.

Imagine this scenario like being on a reality show. The cameras capturing every moment of emotional upheaval and the public judging each decision. Viewers would likely be split; some might sympathize with my need for rest in the comfort of a hotel, while others might criticize me for not showing solidarity with my friend in a tough situation.

If this story was pitched in a reality setting, I wonder, would the audience have been more forgiving, or harsher in their judgment on me abandoning a friend in distress?

I wonder if people might think I did the right thing by choosing to rest in a hotel?

I used to believe that after my skin were nothing, hollow and I wanted to tear my skin out just to see if there were nothing or not, it wasn't really an utter belief but like 99% of it. I still believe it sometime, this skin doesnt feel human, they're not, too artificial to be one, im not human, but not a robot, im a doll, I act like one, its loose once you observe it. Slack if you notice. My mind is not of my own, it whisper to me with a languange i know and dont know, I have to decode quickly to understand. This body is clay, its not human, this body is a doll, its not a human, everybody feels like a doll but logic says differently but I dont believe what they say until I see the flesh, I NEED to see the crimson to believe it, will i? Or will I think its fake again? My "loved one" faces are different, distant and artificial, theyre not them, theyre not people I know. Observing further for more than 3 seconds break my perception of such experience, something beyond my consciousness is controlling how I see things, they want me to think that its them when its not, you can clearly see it, its so obvious! Yet I pretend to act for them, theres no believer here, only the theatre remained, the voice is like a machine repeating words my loved one said, the movement is too doll like to be an actual human, an animal doesnt move like that, i know that for sure! They move freely but my loved one does not? Its weird. The face, its like the fabric felt, its inhumane, everybody else doesnt have that, just my loved one, theyre not them. Somebody is trying to trick me, somebody not human, is it God? God won't do this right? Of course mercy is not bestowed upon me, but one will not give much more suffering right? I, am a sinner after all, yet I believe him, is that not enough? Is anything I do not enough? Everything i do is nonsense, my belief is just not enough for God to give me such presents. Surely, only the sinner will get such suffering, such immeasurable test are not for the loyal are they or does God think I can withstand such torment? Does he want me to bite my flesh off? See my own blood to see whether im genuinely human or not? Is it that? But the knife are scary, I cant even cut vegetables! Im scared but why such torment are to be upon me? There's no others reason except of insanity. The ringing calls me to do it, this body is not mine to control, i cannot do it, something preventing so, is it want to live? Is it not? You too shall question that should you but you dont, why be silent all of the sudden? You always talk in language I cant comprehend, or rather im not hearing you at all? How do I explain this in text? Another voice but incomprehensible unless I hear it yes! A subtle ringing in my ears, tell me opinion, debate with me, and sometime get loud, its clearly just thoughts, like im debating myself! Im not hearing things! Its only the conciousness beyond me, beyond my understanding of normality that tell me do so! And how coud i say no? Its going internally, its clearly not a hallucination!How long was it again 1 month? 2? 3? I don't remember the feeling of wanting to tore my skin off to prove to myself, an urge thats only controlled by distraction, incredible that I have stayed for that long without a scar is it not? Its coming back to me how strong that belief was, I still am in string with it, its not thoughts of 24/7 no but this skin is not what it is, its not biological, you cannot tell me it is, you think i havent tried grounding before? I have, i have, i have, nothing work and really what's the point? Does it matter really, I'll still be "alive" dont worry! Once I try you'll see there's nothing behind it, it act like plastic, is it supposed to be? I think so, im only using my fingers, theres no harm in doing so is it? There's nothing behind it, no blood so why would it damage such body? It may hurt, of course it would. I just taken my antiphyschotic after writing this.

You know. I have believed my attempt worked before too and this is all just purgatory. But that one was less convincing, the body part was really convincing though. The mirror me is different, im looking at stranger, THATS NOT ME, cant you see that? Look at it! The face is not even mine, that body is not mine, its a complete stranger i dont know. seometime i feel like the ringing might be God telling me to rip my skin off to see how he has made me as a sinner, he has me plastic because of my sins cant you see that? The ringing tell

me to end myself, i have indulged in too much sins they say.

It somehow comforted me, the question has been answered, I can lay in peace but can I?

God hasn't confirmed that ill lay as dirt, I'll do his command once I have confirmation

September 13

You know, today has genuinely felt unreal. From waking up in the morning scrolling constantly without a signle muscle to pull me out until 10, to searching for job applications in hopes of eating away at my time in other ways, I felt like I have been aimlessly floating in this world without a single care. I currently have a girlfriend, and think about what could've been with my ex no mattter how much time passes. I feel like i'm going crazy, and I feel so dead. I don't know where to aim myself, and constantly strive to look for ways to become a better person, but the same feeling still exists deep inside of me. I also want to share that, me and my ex talked for months, and I felt like the way things ended were so quick that I was unable to gain closure, and no matter what I do, every girl for the rest of my life will be a rebound. does anyone know ways of being constantly productive. I want to live a life I can look back on, and smile at.

My parents have a big heart for all of us, but it seems like they always give my brother, who isn't exactly the most successful, more breaks than the rest of us. He's nearly 30 and hasn't managed to stick to a stable career path; instead, he floats from one temporary gig to another, often in positions that require minimal skill and pay just as little.

Whenever I upgrade to a new car, I pass my old vehicles down to my parents instead of selling them. I’m fortunate enough to be in a financial position where I don't have to worry about the resale value. Typically, these cars are about six years old with around 30,000 miles on them as I don’t drive them much.

A while back, I gave my parents a fully-equipped Jeep Patriot that I could have sold for $9,000. Instead, I let my father have it for just $1. Six months later, he handed it over to my brother, who then sold it for $12,000. My intention was for my parents to benefit from a reliable car without the burden of upkeep, not for my brother to make a profit.

Recently, I purchased a new Broninus and decided to set a different rule for transferring my Ram to my parents. I proposed a contractual agreement stating that if they sold the car within five years, they would need to sell it back to me for $1. They reacted badly, accusing me of treating them like children and insisting they should be able to do whatever they wanted once it was theirs.

Seeing their point, I sold the Ram privately for $27,000 and used that to help pay for the Broninus. When my dad inquired about when I'd be delivering the truck, I informed him I had already sold it. Now, my parents are disappointed and stuck with their old, less reliable Kia. They feel like I've reneged on a promise, even though I never actually promised them the truck—just proposed a possible arrangement.

Honestly, it’s tough trying to help when it feels unappreciated or taken advantage of. It's frustrating when efforts to assist are twisted into expectations.

Imagine if this drama unfolded on a reality TV show; the dynamics and disputes would surely captivate an audience. Viewers might be split, with some sympathizing with my attempts to manage family expectations and others perhaps seeing me as overly controlling or stingy. The family deliberations, confrontations over the vehicles, and negotiations around the contracts would make for emotionally charged episodes, drawing viewers deeper into the familial tensions and ethical dilemmas.

Hey, I just want to talk about it because it really makes me upset at myself. Usually, there is one character who is quiet, depressive, and suicidal by default (I'm not judging- because that's me) I started feeling this way since kindergarten because wow, my family is- words cannot describe. Here's a list of the bad things I've experienced in my life: Abusive father? Yes. Rejected by my parents? Yes. Never appreciated? Yes. Humiliated in front of many people? Yes, s3xual abus3? Yes—both verbal and non-verbal, ik it's terrible but I'm chill w it rn... the first child who HAD to keep giving in? Yes, divorce parents drama? Yes, inheritance war between siblings? Oh yasss, and worst of all, I was born a girl in a patriarchal family (this is the worst). And what can a little kid do in a situation like that? Yep, become an adult with kids body. But ik all those problems faded away over time, I had a high school romance story like something out of a manga (had to mention it hehe) so even though my family felt like crushed me every second. I still had best friends (they're angels for me), and I felt like there was at least a drop of something that made me want to live. Now, I have a pretty good life, even though the trauma is still there. I can socialize, I have many friends, I can laugh more freely (kinda want to brag). But there’s one thing—my suicid4l thoughts won’t go away, they’re still there. Even if my day is filled with smiles, the voice telling me to di3 is still there. Maybe as a human being, I just want to live in the end. But my desire to di3 is still there. Tbh, I want to live. The thought irritated me so much, maybe you guys have some advice?

i am 17 and i already know my family is rotten in the most boring and stupid way possible!!! not movie evil, not dramatic rich people evil, just the same ugly garbage every day!!! my mom acts nice in front of people and then comes home and starts picking at everything i do!!! my dad talks like he is some expert on life when really he just likes hearing himself be loud!!! my older brother copies them because being cruel is easier than having a brain, i guess??? they talk to me like i am a problem sitting in a chair, like i am some broken thing they are forced to keep around!!! if i stay quiet, they say i am rude!!! if i answer, they say i have an attitude!!! what exactly do they want then??? a wall that says sorry???

the worst part is how normal they think this is!!! they insult, mock, watch, judge, and then pretend it is just family stuff!!! they say i am too sensitive, but that is lazy trash people say when they do not want blame on them!!! every small thing becomes a lecture!!! i leave a cup somewhere, suddenly i am useless!!! i get a bad grade, suddenly i am ruining my future!!! i get a good grade, suddenly it is not enough because someone else did better!!! there is no stable rule here!!! the rule changes every hour depending on who wants to dump their bad mood on me!!! does that sound like care to you??? because to me it sounds like control with fake concern glued on top of it!!! i watch them carefully now, and it is always the same pattern!!!

so yeah, i want to escape from them!!! i am not even being dramatic, i am being practical!!! i do not mean i want some giant revenge scene or a speech or one of those fake healing talks!!! i mean i want out!!! i want a door that shuts and stays shut!!! i want one room where nobody checks my face, my phone, my tone, my steps, my food, my time, my friends!!! i save what money i can, which is not much, and i keep a list in my head of places i could maybe go when i turn 18!!! maybe work, maybe a tiny room, maybe some ugly apartment with thin walls and bad heat!!! honestly that still sounds better than this house!!! at least a bad apartment does not insult you at breakfast and then call it love!!!

i am not saying i am perfect!!! i get angry!!! i say sharp things back sometimes!!! i stop caring sometimes too, because what is the point of acting nice with people who feed on it??? but being flawed is not the same as being the cause of all this!!! that is the lie they keep pushing because it helps them sleep!!! i do not know if leaving will fix everything!!! maybe i will still feel messed up after!!! maybe i will doubt every calm person because this house trained me to wait for the hit after the smile!!! still, staying here feels worse and dumber every month!!! so i look at them like a fact, not a family!!! toxic people, limited value, high damage!!! simple enough!!! and if you are reading this and thinking i should just forgive them, based on what exactly???

i’ve been asking myself that question for a while now and i don't want to talk about that with my friends. like, i don’t do the stuff you see on tv or in movies, i’m not cutting or bleeding or anything like that. but sometimes when i get really anxious or angry or just... overwhelmed, i scratch at my arms or the back of my neck or even my legs, usually when no one’s around. i tell myself it's nothing, that it’s not serious. but then i look at my skin and it's red and sometimes raw, and i start wonderin if it does count. maybe i’m just being dramatic. or maybe i’m scared to admit that something's not okay with me. cause if i admit that, then what? do i tell someone? what if they think i’m just looking for attention? what if they don’t take me seriously cause i’m not “hurting myself the right way,” if that even makes sense.

i started doing it more during exams last year. the pressure just got to me and i felt like i was gonna explode. i didn’t even think about it at first — it was just a way to deal with the stress. dig my nails in, press hard, breathe, repeat. sometimes it helped me feel like i was in control, like i could focus my brain on that instead of everything else spinning around. but then one of my friends saw a mark on my wrist and was like “dude what happened there?” and i panicked. made up a story about my cat scratching me. i don’t even have a cat. i laughed it off, and he didn’t push, but afterward i felt so ashamed. like what the hell am i doing to myself? why can’t i just deal with life like a normal person?

it’s not like my life is that bad. i mean, i got a roof over my head, food, i’m doing ok in school, my parents are around even if we don’t talk much. but i just feel... numb half the time. and then randomly i’ll feel too much, like someone plugged my brain into an amp and cranked the volume up to 100. that’s when i start scratching. i guess it’s my way of trying to feel something real, or maybe it’s just a distraction. i don’t even know anymore. sometimes i do it and then sit there staring at the red marks, thinking “wtf is wrong with me.” other times i do it and just move on like nothing happened. like it’s normal. but it’s not, right? this can’t be normal.

i googled it one night and found people asking the same question. “is scratching yourself a form of self-harm?” and the answers weren’t super clear but most said yeah, it can be. self-harm isn’t always about blood. it’s about intention. and that kinda hit me. cause even if i’m not trying to “hurt” myself, i am trying to punish myself in a way. or escape something. or maybe both. i don’t know how to talk about it tho. i don’t even know if i want help or just someone to sit with me and say “i get it.” not fix me, not judge me, just get it. cause honestly the silence in my own head is sometimes the scariest part. i keep wondering if anyone else around me is going through this and just hiding it like i am.

so yeah, maybe scratching is a form of sh. maybe it’s not about what you’re using to hurt yourself but why you're doing it. i don’t want to keep doing this forever. i want to find a better way to cope. but for now, writing this is a start, i guess. if you're reading this and you’ve done the same thing — if you’ve ever sat in your room scratching at yourself and feeling like a freak — just know you’re not alone. i’m out here too, still figuring it out. still asking the same questions. and maybe, just maybe, that means we’re not as broken as we think.

Why? Why is this happening to me? I really don't get it. One year ago I would have been what people called a beautiful girl. Long hair, drenched in soft makeup, and tight clothes. So why did I cut my hair so short so suddenly? Why did I start to feel uncomfortable showing off my curves? Why do I get a void every time someone calls me with feminine pronouns?

I had a dream a week ago. Where I viewed myself as a boy. Is my brain accepting this too? Or maybe it's something deeper, that I refuse to acknowledge. To embrace.

Letting go of your old self hurts, but it's even more painful starting to love a new version of you.

Hello to whoever is reading, I hope you have a good day<3

There are different type of people. "My parents are divorced", "My parents are happily married". My parents SHOULD be divorced. I don't want them to get divorced, but at the same time, they're clearly not healthy for each other. They argue every day and their personalities don't match at all. Twenty five years of marriage, and they've never really loved each other. I think they both could be been happier in anther world, where they never met each other. My mum met someone she loved and married him in that universe. My dad never settled down and traveled the world. I was never born in that universe, but they're both happy that way. I love both of my parents and I want them to be happy. They bring out the worst in each other, and it's painful. I feel so afraid, because their moods become sour. If I mess up, my mum gets angry. If I get upset over her arguing, she tells me to not make it about myself. I'm not blaming her, because I know this could have been avoided if my mum was with someone else. I know they're only staying together "for the kids" (aka me and my siblings), but even their children can see how unhealthy this is. I can't tell them to divorce, neither can I mend their relationship. So I just have to live through it for a few more years. But I don't know how much more I can take.

My husband cheated with his ex wife before we got married. I found out about a month before the wedding. I went ahead with the marriage because I was blindly in love. They have to talk all the time because they have a young child. I'm ok most of the time but when I have to be around his ex at sports, birthday parties, ect. It weighs on my mind. I start to scrutinize their every interaction.Last week, I was at their daughter's ball game and when she got a runner out, he looked toward his ex to share that moment with her. I've decided to quit going to going to games and this has made him mad. I also compare myself to her. She's taller, thinner, and younger. They have a friendly relationship and it eats me up. He says it's just for their daughters sake. His daughter is 8 and still sucks her thumb. We argue about this too. I want her to stop but it g do odd t bother him. I said it was embarrassing to be with her in public. He says I have mental problems and I'm being immature. What are your thoughts and or suggestions.

My sister, Bobbie Collins Guess, is the middle sister of our parent's three daughters, and she and her husband of 20 years have been spreading lies about me, and trying to destroy my reputation in order to try to cover up her devient behavior and nasty things that she did as a young woman. She and her husbsnd, Steve Guess, who is a child of incest and raised as a foster child by a relative, have slandered me and my family for years, unbeknownst to me, and have put aweful things online about me and about our beloved parents who have been deceased for years. Our only son died of Fentenal poisoning in 2018, and after that, I found out about filthy rumors that she and her husband have spread about me, and about my husband, daughter and dead son, but especially me. Bobbie is my middle sister, and she had a very rough young adulthood, with her being an alcoholic, hanging out in bars, and sleeping with many men, even married men, and with women too. She divorced twice, and lived with several people without marriage until she met and married for the third time to a Steve Guess 20 years ago. She even tried to break up my marriage by going after my husband years ago, before she met Steve. At that time, she ended up in a mental hospital after she drove drunk, hit a bunch of parked cars, and physically went off on the police. She was getting into street fights at that time too, so she was evaluated by a psychiatrist, and put in a mental ward, where she called our mother begging her to come get her, and my mother did, but later regretted it...I later ended up having a "nervous breakdown" because someone poisoned me with something that caused me to get sick, and I now believe that my mentally ill middle sister Bobbie, who has refused to admit how sick she is, did that to me! I never knew just how jealous of me she was, and what lengths she would go through to hurt me, but I have come to realize that she and her weird husband have been "two on the grind" that have been cursing my life for twenty years!...She always acted like she was there for me during problems with my kids, marital problems, and the lack of money issues that my little family has gone through over the years, but all she and Steve were doing was collecting ammunition to use against me, and they were the ones causing most of our problems to begin with!...I see now that she has been pathologically jealous of me since childhood, probably because I was the oldest daughter and the responsible one, and because I got an education, only married once, since 1975, to a man that loves me, while she spent over 15 years bar hopping and sleeping around. I also had a baby boy and a baby girl, while she had to have hysterectomy in her wild youth, and never was able to have children. Steve never had children either, thank God, and spent his youth with strippers and going through relationships and divorces too. We have another sister, our baby sister, who has been married for many years to her childhood sweetheart, and is scared of her and Steve, maybe because of childhood secrets shared between her and Bobbie that she doesn't want people to know about, so she takes up for them...Steve Guess, who acts like a big wig, and has many people fooled, knows how to ruin people's reputation, so my baby sister refuses to take up for me because "they are so good to her kids", and due to the secrets between her and Bobbie, so it seems that I am the lowest on the totem pole, I know now that I have always been the lowest. It seems that Bobbie and Steve had to have someone in that position to make themselves look like they are somebody that they are not, lol! Steve, who was given a job at AT&T right out of high school due to him being a foster child, worked there for years, and got to be supervisor until he was let go in his mid 50's, but wants people to think he actually retired early because he's so rich, lol...so he really does have many people fooled. My little family used to be the poorest of the three of us by far, so it seems that, due to lack of character, it was easy for them to do me dirty the way that they have, but now my husband and I are relatively well off, and have been blessed with a new home, but since then, I found out that Bobbie and Steve are not happy for us. They hate that we are doing so well, and so the curses have amped up over these last few years. This is sad, because we three sisters had parents that married once, never divorced, and loved each other all their lives, and who loved us kids unconditionally, so we were close all of our lives, but after Bobbie married Steve, she slowly changed. I did not know how evil she and Steve have been all these years, and how they were using me and slandering me. I always felt sorry for Bobbie because of the years she lost as a party girl, and because she had to have a hysterectomy when she was so young, and was never able to have children, so I was always very good to her, even tho she went after my husband all those years ago, but I would've never guessed that my own sister was the one that poisoned me! I have always let God fight my battles, and will continue to let God handle it, but I would really love it if everyone knew how dirty Bobbie and Steve really are, and how they built themselves up by blaming others for their shortcomings, especially me and my little family. They don't want anyone to know Steve is a product of incest, and that he never had a real family, but I believe that's why they can so easily run me down the way they have. Bobbie and Steve Guess are working for Satan and always have been, and everyone should know how dirty they are. They seem to always get away with their dirty deeds, but I know that God knows who they are, and I know that, in the end, God will vindicate me. Thanks for letting me vent! :)

In my line of work within a specific branch of government, we have a close-knit community. Among my colleagues is someone I'll refer to as Sara, who recently put me in a rather precarious situation. Sara and I have always had a decent working relationship, strictly professional, and she's known for her integrity.

Sara came to me with a request to help her secure a personal loan of $25,000. Her objective is to purchase a space to set up a store in her hometown, aiming to boost her husband’s financial stability.

Personally, I’ve managed to stay debt-free and cautious about any financial engagements. Trusting Sara wasn’t the issue, but the magnitude of the loan and its implications made me anxious. I expressed my reservations, telling her, “I understand this is crucial for you, but I’m not comfortable with the risk associated with cosigning such a substantial sum. It’s a serious financial commitment, and I’m not ready to undertake that risk.”

This response led Sara to become visibly upset and emotional. She retorted, “You don’t trust me? This store is our chance to secure our financial future! The bank won’t consider my husband because he doesn’t have a job right now. I really thought you could help me.”

Although I felt awful for declining, my stance was firm based on my own financial principles—something influenced by my admiration for financial guru, Dave Ramsey, and his skepticism towards debt.

Now, the atmosphere between Sara and me has grown tense, and she's scarcely conversing with me. The guilt for not aiding her does linger, yet I remain convinced that prioritizing my financial health was the right choice.

Was I wrong to refuse to cosign her loan?

Imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show. The cameras capturing every detail, the audience likely split in their sympathies. The pressures of public opinion could potentially sway my decision or make the fallout from my refusal even more dramatic. How would the audience react, watching these personal and financial dilemmas unfold in real time? Would they champion my cautious approach, or condemn it as unsympathetic?

I went to my school carnival, it was fine, I guess. There were many people, and I only went there to buy some merch and stuff. I saw my classmates, said hi to a few of them, but otherwise I didn't do anything with them because they had their own groups doing their things, but I think I dressed well and I got a strawberry keychain, a small Amazonite tumble, and some stickers of K-Pop Demon Hunters and a chemistry version of "Iconic" with moments captured, to say, "Iconic moments captured". But yeah, it was fine, mom got some magnets, my brother hung out with his friends. Honestly, my loneliness now felt more hollow than sad. I told my mom maybe I was destined to be a hermit, and she said, "Even they live, and stop whining. We need to get something." And when I told her no one really greeted me, not that I expected them anyways since I belong in the garbage, she said, "It'll take time, please." Take time, it took 7 years. When we came home after a nice Oriental meal, it was really filling, mom noticed I end up scratching myself way more due to my eczema, and mom admitted she knew why because it gives relief, but when I told her I also do this because when everything goes to hell, I don't have friends, I score low in exams, I stop drawing, scratching is the only thing I'm good at. Mom looked at me weird, told me I live a privileged life, and that when her parents split she was worse off for a while, but weirdly, after I told her "Maybe my problems aren't real." And she said, "You think I said that? Try to think positively for once. It's a slow process." It has been 7 years already, I've given up the search for friendship and love, because to me, it's now a sin my body still wants. In fact, why bother with people? Love and friends are a risk, a liability, and scratching and thinking of doomsday is the only reason I'm alive. It's the only way I'm not getting into bad situations, because I don't trust people. I have eczema, I do get a relief, mom knows. You may say, "Oh stop this self-harm!" But this is from eczema, I've always had this. I have! It's just gotten slightly worse over the years in terms of skin. But it doesn't matter, because as long as I'm not getting an infection or at risk of dying, I'm just suffering a skin disorder. Even mom doesn't get it, because she's an idiot! Why do I even trust her!? She deserves to leave, and so does dad, and my brother who rubs salt in my wound by calling me "friendless", "ugly", "short", "stupid because you scored low marks" on a daily basis thinking it's a joke. I get it, you have more success than me! I'm a flopped movie! But one man who I forgot the name of was right, "People is hell". Hell is other people. That one author of "No Exit" was right. People are disgusting creatures. I may have yelled at mom today, but that's the freest I've felt. Hurting disgusting creatures is easier than living with them, considering I'm a warrior in a world of Hell. Making them feel bad with my harsh words. Hell is other people. Mom is delusional for wanting hope. I've hoped long enough, and it's a mere childish thing. We humans perceive things in our own ways, we may not share the same sights at all, and maybe the real world is just nothing, and we projected ourselves onto it like beings orbiting a mass in nothingness. It's some physics theory I heard somewhere. Her perception that it'll get somewhere is her being a human. My mom is forcing it down my throat because she's another mass of life my poor brain created wanting me to suffer. I'm right, aren't I? Isn't the theory correct? Isn't Sartre correct? Aren't I intelligent? Isn't my perception theory correctly recollected? Me being smarter than my peers, even the guy who told me the perception theory as a joke, I reflected and made it make sense. Guts thrived in being alone, he left Casca for 2 years to help himself after she got trauma, and he lived. He reflected so much, all when being isolated. From his team, his girlfriend, to beat Griffith! At least he had a reason to fight, what am I doing? People are anyways uncultured, stupid, mean, ugly pigs who deserve nothing, anyways. I'm really starting to get Dio and Kat from Euphoria more, people are trash! No wonder Dio became a vampire and Kat became who she is, people are trash and he's rightfully ashamed to be human. People are pigs because I'm better than them. Even my classmates are pigs. And you may also say again, "Oh but try therapy!" Enough with the therapist talk! My dad will never let me go to one ever again! I can never ever go to one because it's a fantasy dream! It's just a life I can never have, so the best I can do is just move on or trust mom, which she's already labelled "pig" in my head because parents slow down their children. I'm no longer hating myself, I hate everyone else for thinking I'm a freak for seeing the truth. Nothing matters because nothing exists. I'm a god in a world of pigs. I was only born as a girl unfortunately. Not that I feel gender dysphoria whatsoever, but people are pigs.

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

Hubby and I are from different countries/cultures.

We ended up moving to Australia before Covid struck 😒 we eventually settled in and life moved on around the world. My in-laws all live in one area. Hubby and I settled nearby and everything was fine. The kids love their grandparents and they are good to me.

However…

I miss my parents so much. I am an only child and my babies are their only grandbabies. It breaks my heart. But hubby is good to me and supports us well. In-laws are good to me too. Just the culture differences get to me sometimes. In-laws have other grandchildren nearby. They are “well off” so they tend to live their lives separate from their children. That’s fine. I’m used to family in your face everyday lol.

The thing that bothers me is they will pass on spending time with their grandkids just because. They want to shop or go out for dinner on their own. We have invited them over and they will refuse without a reason. I’m aghast because I know my parents would kill to spend everyday with their grandbabies!!

I know I can’t change anything. I hate it’s so expensive to fly to Australia! I hate my parents are not well off and can’t afford to visit! They’ve come once and are saving up to come again. Hubby and I have even told them we can help a bit. My dad has offered to send my mom on her own just to save money. I hate that for them! I want them to be next door and my babies see them everyday and be loved so much by two more people! My parents are one of the best in the world! They are so wonderful and sacrificial! They deserve the world and especially their only grandbabies to be nearby to hug and kiss and love on them all day everyday!!!!

Two years ago, we moved about 300 miles away. It sucked for me because now we are not near family. In-laws have come to visit once. Once! In two years. Again, I can’t believe it. They can afford to travel but choose not to. My parents would give anything to see us once every two years! I’m trying to respect their decisions but can’t help think of my parents. I get so upset with my in-laws in my mind. I guess that’s how they stay “well off”, don’t spend too much money. It just annoys me for the kids. They deserve loving grandparents nearby 💔