Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

This is one of my diary entries:

I feel sick. I hate my body, I hate how I can't stop myself from eating. I hate how I'm not athletic. I hate how my face looks weird. I hate my eyebags. I hate my tummy. I hate my tendency to laugh at everything. I hate my phobia of bugs. I hate my house. I hate how my bed dips everytime I sleep. I hate how it always feels like bugs are crawling on me. I hate my bad eyesight. I hate my yellow, crooked teeth. I hate the way I walk. I hate my style. I hate my tendency to complain. I hate my allergies. I hate how I feel that I am an outsider. I hate how I feel like everything and nothing at the same time.I hate how much I'm scared of people. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I doubt God. I hate. I hate. I hate. And yet, I believe that there is things to love. Not in myself, but the people around. Maybe someday, I'll get a big hug from someone, and they'll tell me that they love me. It'll be warm, and fuzzy, and tooth rotting. I want that. I want what everyone has. I'm envious. I crave freedom. I crave friends who spam your phone. I crave friends who text you at midnight on your birthday. I want what my friends have. I know it's wrong, but it feels so right to resent people to make yourself feel better. It makes me feel a little bit better. Not really, but.. ugh.. i can't find anything to say. If you find this, I'm sorry. So, so sorry. I'm just a whiny, fat, ugly teenager. Sorry.

I keep asking people whether things are okay, even when nothing has clearly gone wrong. I know it can be tiring to hear the same question in different words. I can see that from the outside. A person says they are fine, then I ask again later, and then I check their tone, their pause, their short reply, the way they leave the room. It is not very fair to them, and it is not very useful for me. Still, my mind treats silence like a report that has missing pages. It starts filling in the gaps with bad guesses. I do not think everyone is lying to me. I just do not trust that I understand what is happening.

The only honest name I have for this feeling is I need reassurance;

I try to stay calm about it, because I know people have their own lives. They get tired. They answer late. They forget things. They have bad days that are not about me. I can repeat those facts to myself, and sometimes they help for a while. Then one small thing happens, and the whole picture changes in my head. A message looks colder than usual. A plan feels less certain. Someone says “no worries” and I hear distance in it. I know this is not strong evidence. I know feelings are not proof. But knowing that does not always stop the doubt. It only makes me feel more foolish for having the doubt in the first place.

What I want is not constant praise or special treatment. I do not want anyone to manage my mood every day. I think I just want a clear sign that I am not a problem people are slowly getting tired of. That sounds needy, and maybe it is. But it also sounds human. Would you believe someone who said they still cared if they also seemed quieter, busier, and less warm than before? I am not asking that as a trick. I honestly do not know where the reasonable line is. Some people say trust should not need proof all the time. That makes sense. Other people say care should be shown, not just stated. That also makes sense. I am stuck between both ideas.

So I sit with it and try not to make it worse. I wait before asking. I write the message and delete it. I tell myself that one strange day does not mean the whole connection is ending. Sometimes that works, and sometimes I just feel like I am watching something fade while pretending I am mature about it. I wish I could be easier to reassure, or better, not need it so much. For now, I am trying to be honest without making it anyone else’s full responsibility. I am not sure whether that is enough, but it is the most balanced answer I have right now.

There's a girl at work I like, but she's not my cup of tea. I sense she's interested in something beyond that, but I'm not. I sense she's somewhat delusional and capable of bursting into tears if her dream isn't fulfilled to the letter, if even the slightest change occurs. I don't want her to be the one directing the relationship, because otherwise, I'll be at the mercy of her dominance, with serious work-related repercussions resulting from the disappointment if I give in. If I were to propose to continue a relationship with her on an ongoing basis, it would be like holding her in that dream, no matter what, taking advantage of it, since she gains power over me: being however she wants in exchange, of course, for not breaking that dream.

I don't see a girl with prodigious mental health as a prerequisite, since her desire is to succumb to disappointment. Without the emotional management that subsequently impacts social situations to maintain relief, there's no possibility of a deep relationship, whether romantic or even dating. I continue to be amazed at how people give up on the illusion of being liked by another person and don't first examine the person they're dealing with. This leads me to a modus operandi that doesn't take responsibility for visualizing where the next step, which they sense they're going to take blindly, given their impulses, will lead.

In these circumstances, my dear friends, I understand the need to take risks, but there's also the need to observe, at least as far as you can see, which in itself is important for making decisions. There are undoubtedly times when the challenge will be worthwhile, but that's only if, based on our vision, we don't see anything that threatens our stability. The point is whether it's just right. Indeed, we can talk about difficulties; however, these seem valid to me when they enter into an axis that results in enrichment, which they all are. However, there are times when they arise and they correspond only to the need to distance oneself, since in our modus operandi there is no such enrichment, but rather an abandonment.

It's painful for me to feel that I cannot succumb with complete peace of mind to this woman because I am also eager for a relationship, even though I adore my solitude. My solitude stems precisely from accepting that I am capable of developing alone rather than in a group, because I haven't found a group that casts doubt on this idea, but rather reinforces it. Which makes me think that perhaps I only visualize those who make me feel that it's better to be alone, referring, of course, to my past, where being under a hegemony and consecrated as a family for my family, I saw solitude as a path to development.

Nowadays, I find it difficult to think of a group that supports my development, although I can't say that being alone isn't the first step toward such an issue. It's first about seeing where we're coming from, a question that speaks to our environment and, at the same time, a distancing from it, and then moving toward where we feel framed in terms of such an exercise in development. We can say they are stages. The relationships I've had before have been more of a way out of such a hegemonic family situation, given the excitement it holds for me. But the very effect of this very situation undermined me. Ultimately, in a hegemonic system, its origin lies in a heightened illusion about oneself, specifically in behavior.

I wish the circumstances with this girl were different, as in other cases, but it must be said that her usefulness to my well-being wasn't in deepening the relationship for a shared destiny, but rather to point out that I wasn't yet ready to leave such an environment, because, in principle, there isn't the distancing that would make it so. Physical distance in this sense was, like courtship, also a very attractive and widely accepted call. However, stability would depend on maintaining the hope with which I would be received. In itself, there was no escape. Furthermore, other interested individuals of different kinds would not be able to contemplate me because, in principle, I would not be able to contemplate them, and neither would they in me because I harbor fear of the environment in the midst of getaways, which implies the production of inconveniences to their stability. By nature, we all seek that which does not provide them, although sometimes this is in such demand that it is very expensive, as can be a blur, as are courtships and physical distances that were sometimes recommended to me, as I was told.

It's clear that family situations can't be resolved with easy solutions, because such complexity permeates the modus operandi and makes such an easy solution a path to another hell, but one that's more comforting thanks to the cessation in the face of deep disappointment, and on top of that, with us there defending that, because we have the feeling, although projected, that the idea of a better place is a lie. Nor can we turn back, because those who have welcomed us feel their support for us after such a situation has been in constant decline inside.

hi,i m thirteen years old and i am a female i have been struggling with my mental health for a year or two now and it’s sort of on and off -for example: it will go away for a few weeks and then it all just comes back at once like a ton of bricks the main trigger is my severe eczema i have had this skin condition since i was a child and it hasn’t been the kindest to me but recently it has been appearing on my face allot worse than ever it has been oozing and crusting over a yellowish colour and i have been so upset i haven’t even left my room brushes my hair or done basic necessities properly for weeks even month i know its disgusting but its my life unfortunately i used to scream at my parents for opening my curtains because i couldn’t stand the sight of light someone even looking at my face would send me into panic attacks and meltdowns i have gotten over this a little but my fear of leaving the house hasn’t i haven’t left the house in weeks now i feel a burden to others all of my friends go out and have fun but i dont i would rather sit in my room i know there’s something wrong with me but i cant get my head round it ii dont feel real i feel like a ghost someone help me please what do i do.

hello I'm just here to rant honestly, lately I've been feeling like I wasn't as loved as my siblings...? maybe its only a matter of POV but after hearing things of their childhoods and witnessing my younger sibling's it feels like I was never treated like that, I'm a middle middle child if that helps.

All of them has at least one picture up on our wall and I don't have one that was really specifically just me apparently they lost all my childhood photos but still has my older sibling's?? I know it's stupid im already in my late teens and jealousy is eating me up, they're all talented and smart at whatever they do too, I have multiple hobbies but I wasn't exactly that great at all of them and it just made me feel even worse.

I used to be able to hold in my feelings and emotions but as I grew older I just became more sensitive and everyone noticed, I feel like im just wasting their time and all, they've always been disinterested in me anyways.

I've always found my gifts for them (flowers i found, drawings, origami) in the trash, and it really confused me to see that they still have my sibling's art even if it's just one, was i really that bad? I used to wish i got hit by a car or get sick so they can actually pay attention to me i believe the earliest was by age 6, I can't even communicate with them properly now, I just want myself to be acknowledged not just the lazy, moody, sensitive kid they have including everything I do, I've always pushed myself to atleast have a talent im good at, I've joined many clubs and activities but that's not enough I guess. I've sacrificed sleep for tests to get scores they'd be proud of, nothing.

i think I'm just stupid at this point.

My sibling's felt similarly to what I've felt but it really didn't look that way honestly :( maybe it's just me I'm not sure.

I've been compared to my siblings ever since i grew up by alot of people. i only realized now how lonely i felt as a kid, I never had anyone that close back then and I was just the annoying noisy younger sibling towards my family and distant relatives that are close in age.

I hate whenever they tell me I'm talentless compared to my siblings, they sugarcoat it but I know. They love me, but sometimes I feel like I don't know them and they don't know me.

Sometimes I wish I can have a long deep sleep and forget about everything.

My parents have a big heart for all of us, but it seems like they always give my brother, who isn't exactly the most successful, more breaks than the rest of us. He's nearly 30 and hasn't managed to stick to a stable career path; instead, he floats from one temporary gig to another, often in positions that require minimal skill and pay just as little.

Whenever I upgrade to a new car, I pass my old vehicles down to my parents instead of selling them. I’m fortunate enough to be in a financial position where I don't have to worry about the resale value. Typically, these cars are about six years old with around 30,000 miles on them as I don’t drive them much.

A while back, I gave my parents a fully-equipped Jeep Patriot that I could have sold for $9,000. Instead, I let my father have it for just $1. Six months later, he handed it over to my brother, who then sold it for $12,000. My intention was for my parents to benefit from a reliable car without the burden of upkeep, not for my brother to make a profit.

Recently, I purchased a new Broninus and decided to set a different rule for transferring my Ram to my parents. I proposed a contractual agreement stating that if they sold the car within five years, they would need to sell it back to me for $1. They reacted badly, accusing me of treating them like children and insisting they should be able to do whatever they wanted once it was theirs.

Seeing their point, I sold the Ram privately for $27,000 and used that to help pay for the Broninus. When my dad inquired about when I'd be delivering the truck, I informed him I had already sold it. Now, my parents are disappointed and stuck with their old, less reliable Kia. They feel like I've reneged on a promise, even though I never actually promised them the truck—just proposed a possible arrangement.

Honestly, it’s tough trying to help when it feels unappreciated or taken advantage of. It's frustrating when efforts to assist are twisted into expectations.

Imagine if this drama unfolded on a reality TV show; the dynamics and disputes would surely captivate an audience. Viewers might be split, with some sympathizing with my attempts to manage family expectations and others perhaps seeing me as overly controlling or stingy. The family deliberations, confrontations over the vehicles, and negotiations around the contracts would make for emotionally charged episodes, drawing viewers deeper into the familial tensions and ethical dilemmas.

This is the kind of thing where any possible solution proposed leads to a complaint or a reason why it won't work - as far as I know. I don't know how to deal with having trapped myself in an impossible situation. I know I have to just do something I dont want to, but I dont know what thing will make me the least unhappy I guess.

I make 50k and I live in LA so I can't afford my own 1br. I've given up on a house entirely, I just want an apartment. But they START at $1700 and I just cant realistically do that and have a savings account. Some options and issues:

1. Move - i like living here. I like my friends, the racial diversity, the more liberal politics, the weather, and the variety of things to do. Also my job is here and the job market is garbage everywhere.

2. Get a higher paying job - I was trying to. Had 2 3rd round interviews. One company chose someone else because I had a long commute and they didnt want the role to be remote anymore. The other company paused hiring. I've since stopped applying as I'm having some health issues and don't want my insurance paused right now. But it's always scary to start again. What if those interviews were a fluke and I go back to having to endure this market? What if i get laid off again (less likely at current job as they already laid off everyone but me so I'm holding the ship together on my own)? What if i don't like the new role? What if what happened last time happens again and the pay raise can't keep up with rising housing costs?

3. Be self employed - this is what I most want to do. I've started a business and it's slowly growing. Key word is slowly. I'm hoping it'll be a livable wage in 4 years. But how do I manage my feelings of failure and frustration until then? And what if it never gets there?

4. Sales - i hate talking to people

5. Invest - I do. I dont make enough to invest for FIRE anytime in the next few decadss. I've considered day trading but really feel like I'm walking into a get rich quick scheme.

6. Go back to school for x lucrative career - same issues as #2. Also, the job market is TRASH. Do you really think I haven't done a UX boot camp, gotten my PMP, and considered 3 different master's degrees by now? Pivoting only works if it works and right now nothing works.

7. Social media - tried youtube for 10 years. Nothing. Have a tiktok for my business now that has 1k followers. Maybe if it keeps growing I can get on the creator program one of these centuries. For right now, it's a skill I seem to not have.

8. Stop wanting money - well. I'm trying. I just can't shake the feeling that a grown adult working full time should be able to have their own space at SOME POINT.

I'm just so tired of thinking about this. Tired of trying things for a bit or really committing to something and either way coming up empty handed. Tired of the 1000s of job applications. Tired of WAITING to be able to live how I want. It's not just the apartment. I want a garden, to be able to live abroad for a while, to save for early retirement so I dont have to do this crap forever, free time to enjoy my life. I don't even care about a job - i just want money and everything is conspiring against me to keep me from it. It's so discouraging having no options.

Hi I have a medical condition that caused me a constant chronic hiccups and its too hard to live with that even my boyfriend couldn't take it anymore

It's killing me literally

She used to be outgoing, growing her confidence with dresses and feminine clothing again and taking me out places with her.. she even did her makeup again after years without it cause she was feeling herself, even getting her nails done. She even took me out on a girls day just me and her and we had a great time.

Fast forward, she got a boyfriend. Locked in her room 24/7, always on FaceTime or regular call with him, there’s a camera in my moms room now that was put there by her boyfriend.. a whole situation happened where my, my mom, and my grandma all stood at my aunts house for a couple of days because of my moms bf and “safety reasons”.. he was drunk on beer when he introduced me and his daughter, and there’s more but it goes on.

Since they got together I’ve I guess you can say “observed”.. or “eavesdropped” a lot on their conversations since they’re usually loud even on the phone since he’s not allowed at my house (we live with my grandma and she said he’s not allowed). Here are things I’ve picked up that I think are both concerning and childish. For the record I’m 15, turning 16 June 15th of this year.

1 - He constantly accuses my mom of cheating and even assumes there’s a guy with her even if it’s just me and he doesn’t know I’m there

2 - He seems constantly insecure, telling my mom to go to her room and stay in there. She can barely respond to my texts because he’ll assume that my mom is texting another guy even when it’s her own daughter.

3 - He’ll talk to my mom sexually even when I’m around but I sort of assume that’s normal since my mom does the same..

4 - I peeked over my moms shoulder when she was texting at my therapist appointment and the words said “I belong to you” “you own me” because he was assuming my mom was cheating even though we were waiting in the place I go for therapy.. and he said “have fun with him” or something like that and she said “what’s fun about being in mental health”. I feel guilty but I also know it’s not my fault.

5 - This one is connected to the reason I had stood with my aunt over the weekend. She texted her boyfriend saying “I forgave you the first time for choking me”. This was I think a month ago now?? Idk.

Those are only some of the things and here are things about my mother. (She only does this when talking to a guy she’s with)

1 - She’ll tell men she’s on call with if I’m about to get my period or if I’m on my period whenever I mention that I’m cramping or I need pads and taking some of hers..

2 - She’ll make sexual gestures, phrases, jokes, etc around me and I’m not sure if that’s normal or if she’s just comfortable enough around me to do that sort of thing with the guys she’s with or on call with whoever she’s talking to at the time.

3 - She’ll talk to me about her sexual experiences and had told me about it when I was I believe 14? I’m not sure.. it could’ve been just beginning of this year.

4 - She’ll put me in view of the FaceTime knowing I’m uncomfortable with it but just to show her boyfriend that she’s not with another man.

I miss who my mom used to be.. it felt like it was me and her against the world but now it’s like she doesn’t even respond to me unless it’s to unlock the door for her since my aunt changed the lock on my door and didn’t give my mom a key because she chose her boyfriend. I feel like she’s so blinded by the idea of love that it’s suffocating and it’s like she can’t see past that and realize what it’s doing to the family.. choosing your boyfriend just because what he’s a “middle school sweetheart”? Yeah a guy who also “allegedly” put his hands on you, a guy who won’t stop accusing you of cheating, a guy who has you on camera 25/8, a guy who can’t respect your privacy and has you showing your hands so he knows you’re not “texting another guy”, a guy who accuses you of being with another man even when I’m in the room, a guy who you told “I don’t even use my fingers that’s how loyal I am” when I was right beside you in the same room, a guy you told “I only trust you”, a guy who was drunk off of beer when he introduced me and his daughter, a guy you claimed to have broken up with because he accused you of cheating so much and told you to 💀 but then got back together with him because it was a misunderstanding. She won’t even come to my room anymore to see me. She only texts me to open the door for her or when I am around her she’s talking on the phone and not with me. And she always has her phone on the entire room so he doesn’t accuse her of cheating even when I’m visibly uncomfortable.

This is a long rant but I had to get it off my chest..

I feel drained tbh, my bestfriend blocked me today and I can't sleep.. I keep crying.. and pleading for forgiveness like a pathetic loser, which is I am a pathetic loser, I didn't mean to tease him too far I just wanna have fun, but I think the fun is too much.. I pushed it too far, I'm sorry

My confession.

Well

I’m 14, newly 14. I recently have had a baby. Titus, is what I named him, no one knows. No one thinks that he’s mine, I’ve been just saying he’s my mom’s, she’s absolutely pissed about it but she loves him. I just can hold it in, telling people he’s not my baby and that I feel the longer I tell people he’s not mine the more he will think that I’m not his mother. I refused to stay at the hospital for the 3 days because I would’ve missed school and it would’ve been suspicious. So I went, literally eating pain medicine for lunch and breakfast. I have to pump everyday before and after school, I do this because He is tongue tied and breastfeeding him is difficult. The father doesn’t know yet, and I don’t think he ever will. What do I do?

This is it. This is the time where I become quiet, sensitive, non-verbal. This entire week has been shit. The amount of things I’ve been called, “Things I’ve been called/and/or/talked about or have over heard.

Fat lesbian

Annoying

Uncomfortable

Loud

Bitchy

Gay

Weirdo

“I fucking hate your personality.”

“I’d rather turn my wrist into a waterfall then talk to you”

“It’s not that serious”

“Why do you even care?”

“I would never order a whole pizza for myself.”

“What did you say? I wasn’t listening.”

“Oh her? Yea she’s a fucking fat lesbian.”

“Go ask her out! It’ll be funny.”

“Oh shut up I know you’re lying.”

”

Is what I just got done typing out. In ONE. ONE WEEK. Ive been called or said all of this to or about. My boyfriend is now ignoring me. Putting all of his things on me. He has no idea what’s going on and he’s been very triggering towards me. He said less then 10 minutes ago, “I’d rather sleep then make my wrists waterfalls.” And I told him that he can just go back to sleep and that he was being very triggering and then he got mad at me. I love him so so so much. I have no friends. Not a single one, I just sent this to my therapist “ I’m feeling really suicidal and I’m just finding more and more stuff out and it’s just making it so much worse. I’ve been crying all week and no one to talk to. I’m scared to go to school, I’m scared of confrontation, im scared of looking people in the eyes in the hallway, I’m trying so hard. Way too hard. I’m slowly starting to go non-verbal and I haven’t said a word to anyone since Thursday. I’m pushing everyone out because I’m afraid to annoy them or be too much, my personality has completely changed and now even Lenny’s talking about me, I feel like no one really likes me and I’m freaking out every time I’m in a class with people I know for sure don’t like me and I start going non verbal and I have been skipping class because I know no one in there likes me in the slightest bit and I’ve been skipping classes because of people in there, when I lost my earbud on Thursday I started hyperventilating and I had a panic attack because I couldn’t listen to music. I’m turning my personality completely around and I can’t stand it. I live for talking, if I could I would talk to a deaf person in sign language just to talk some more. I only ever remember me being a sweet, kind, caring, talkitive girl. I thought I was pretty, I thought I would be liked. I completely changed everything just to be liked and it all was lost. All of my achievements are gone and I have to restart. I can’t think of any other way to dress, to wear makeup, how to talk, what words to use, what slag to use I have no idea how.i want to go back to my 5th grade self when literally everyone liked me and knew who I was and loved me. I don’t even have my own small group of friends anymore.”

I’m not living for anyone now. Not even for myself. I’m a walking corpse and I can’t do anything right. I’m just here. Always in the way. I can’t do this anymore and I have no idea what to do. I wanna go online school but my parents said no. I can’t live without someone to talk to. But if I have to. I will. For everyone else’s sake.

When I was around 11-13 I was badly suicidal. I ended up attempting 4 times. Then the 5th time, it almost worked. I was in the hospital getting 52 stitches on both my arms and 8 on my left leg, I didn’t leave because I was terribly under fed (I was starving myself for almost 2 weeks surviving on water, gum, and if I didn’t feel horrible, crackers.) so they had to force feed me for 3 days. Then I got put in a mental hospital (mind you I was 12) for almost 3 weeks until I got attacked by a person there. Thinking it couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong. My mom then started abusing me and verbally abusing me. She then threw me down a staircase. Choked me, and then threw me down outside our house, when I had the chance I called 911. When they got there, I started crying, bruised in my neck, my knees bleeding, a huge bruise on my forehead. They only talked to my mom, not me the victim. When the paramedics arrived I only got to tell them. The officers asked to see my neck, and they then asked me. “Are you dating someone that’s in college?” I had no idea what they ment at ALL. when I told them I had no idea what w

They ment. My mom told them that she was punishing me for talking to an older guy (she found a hat one of my friends dad gave me from his college year which had the logo and name, year everything and I told her and she didn’t believe me.) so I told them I didn’t know and they just shut me up in the paramedics van. To THIS DAY. no one believes me. Not one bit. When I move out, should I cut contact with my family? My dad backed her up even though when my mom threw a tv at me he did nothing. Not a single thing.vmind you SHES been abusing me for years on end, one point she locked me a room. No food, no water, no blanket, no bathroom, I wasn’t aloud to leave till she said I could. I don’t feel safe around her and I don’t think I’d trust my kids around her when I have some.

How could I have ended up alone? I tried to do everything right with others. I tried to fit in with others. I tried to do everything to connect, and I still haven't succeeded. It can't be that at this point in my life, I've ended up alone. This is hell for me, from every perspective.

I'm envious of the friends I met, the ones I've interacted with, because they have lives, and I don't. I'm starting from scratch, like a newborn baby, except I don't have the chance to go to preschool. How do people like me want to start over? I'm looking for a new life.

It can't be that I have to settle for the life I had. In fact, I'm alone because I felt that the life I had, its relationships, were ineffective and actually harmed me in terms of my development, in terms of my ideals of taking care of myself, of my spirituality.

I was building a life based on trampling on that, however, I found it wasn't the path, because it didn't allow me to be free, to be critical, to be aware of what was happening in my life. It was like being at the mercy of injustice, of unconsciousness, and there's nothing worse than that. I feel that's why I stayed alone, because I didn't support those kinds of thoughts. My goal in life was to be conscious and to defend that no matter what, and frankly, I'm proud of it.

Unlike when I started writing, I'm happy to be alone if it means keeping a distance from people who don't advocate for consciousness, for self-exploration, regardless of the path I have to take. And I have to say, even in these, therapists have been a hindrance, which is why I also had to keep my distance. To this day, I'm glad to have recognized that both this environment and this help, in the end, only advocated for a defective, half-baked, and non-holistic development.

Without a doubt, many of your lives are filled with girlfriends, friends, and well-paying jobs. However, I need to point out, they are prisons, at which point you have decided to sell your conscience in exchange for conformity, in exchange for receiving defense and a position of power by following a trend in which other people are also involved, and not being alone when faced with a situation. Of course, all of this is based on not believing in yourself, and it's just the opposite; it's the starting point I want for my life.

Indeed, being alone, unlike in your case, which means having deliberately disconnected from relationships, in my case represents the constant reinforcement of my belief in myself, as a starting point, to safeguard my life. Without a doubt, this prevents me from being attentive to others. I will be attentive when there are commitments, but in the meantime, I won't. It's interesting to have them, but you also have to admit that they are out of your control, and they are better when they happen spontaneously.

I feel sorry for myself for reaching this point of remaining alone solely to strengthen my spirituality and allow life to move forward completely naturally, allowing it to be contemplated as such. Creating artificial moments is precisely covering up those spiritual points that need to be worked on, and that's what I don't want; I need to develop them in order to achieve this goal with spirituality. Now I understand why I have the life I have.

It must be said, in the midst of this accumulation, which indeed pressures and makes one feel overwhelmed, many take advantage of it to make suggestions, which is simply a way of taking advantage of a development of ideas, a boiling point of ideas, to gain a follower. This is an attack on their development, on their individuality.

so for context, I am an alter in a DID system, an introject of Tommy from a fan fiction called end of the world everyday. I miss them so fucking much. I feel so alone here without them, I've been stuck in this body for two fucking years without them. Why did I have to split from such a rare source? I'm fucking Moros, the god of impending doom, and I'm stuck in the body of a nineteen year old girl. I just want my brothers and my dad, and my mum, and all my friends. It's not fair that I'm the only one.