Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Everytime I feel as if Im the smallest, most useless presence on earth and I want to give up, somehow my brain injects just enough positive thoughts to keep me from stopping dead in my tracks and continue going, but not enough to fix my fucked up self image. Not enough to fix my skewed perceptions. Not enough to make it stop feeling like I'm in a car stopped dead in the middle of a busy highway. No. I feel every bit as shitty, every bit as damaged, every bit as certain of my failure as a living being. I'm just hit with the temporary high of loose nameless positivity that keeps me functioning.

Its as if Im being tortured. I know I'll plumit again, so why do I keep bringing myself back?

Recently, my parents approached me with a request to help organize a family getaway that was sorely needed. They hoped to include my brother Carl, who's 43, and his wife Sandra, 33. Unfortunately, my husband Ryan, 46, and I can't join as I'm currently unemployed and we can't afford the expense. This would be the first family holiday I've missed, and it honestly left me feeling quite upset, though of course, I agreed to assist. In a discussion that followed, my mom hinted it might be for the best as this arrangement would leave me available to care for Carl's pugs and our family's chihuahua.

Handling these dogs is no small task as they require constant attention, meaning I'd need to reside at my brother's place for the duration of their trip. Despite these dogs being adorable, they demand a lot of care. For almost a decade, I've been suggesting to Carl that it might be wise to employ a professional pet sitter because financially, he wouldn't have a problem affording one.

This past year alone, I've looked after them three times under varying durations, from overnight stays to nearly a week. They compensated me generously; however, the responsibility is overwhelming and not to mention, uncomfortable. Ryan and I already have five cats which are plenty, and we've consciously decided not to add dogs into our mix.

Now, while tasked with booking their vacation, Carl hadn't yet mentioned any plans for his dogs. During a Sunday family dinner, which Sandra missed due to illness, I took the moment to openly express to Carl that while I adore him and the pugs, dog-sitting during their vacation would be too much for me this time around. I stressed it was unreasonable to expect me to lock myself away at their house for seven days and reminded him of my long-time advice to hire a dog-sitter, even offering to help find one.

Carl initially reacted poorly, warning that he’d no longer look after my cats. I responded that it wasn’t an issue as we typically use a cat sitter, pointing out the difference in our requests for help. He eventually acknowledged that asking me to watch five dogs for seven nights was a bit much—oh, and it turns out it would actually be five dogs because his mother-in-law planned to bring her two Italian greyhounds as well.

Despite the surprise addition of more dogs, I remained calm and reiterated my feelings. By the end of the night, there seemed to be an understanding, and we parted on good terms with promises of future discussions.

However, the next evening's call with my parents revealed that Carl felt blindsided by our conversation, with Sandra equally upset. They perceived my refusal as a tantrum due to my inability to join the vacation, but I assured them my concern was purely the overwhelming responsibility. Now, they are considering canceling the trip altogether because I refused the dog-sitting arrangement.

Am I wrong to refuse?

Imagine if this scenario unfolded on a reality show—with cameras rolling capturing every moment of the dramatic dinner confrontation and the emotional entanglements. How intense would the viewers' reactions be to this display of family tension and boundary-setting?

yo so i've been thinking a lot about how we all go through these phases in life and dude it really got me reflecting, you know growing up people would be like 'oh you're just being moody because it's that time of the month' or whatever (if you know what i'm talking about) but now being older i actually think there's more to it than just hormones so basically i've come to realize emotions aren't as cut and dry as we'd like them to be. maybe it's not always obvious but they hit you right when you least expect it; it's wild i've also noticed some days feel like i'm floating on air everything clicks work is good friends and family are lovely but then bam next day i'm like questioning my entire existence. and this isn't me exaggerating here: this cycle? it feels kind of like art imitating life where emotions are constantly ebbing flowing. rereading old diaries brings back memories and i find patterns the ones that might've gone unnoticed if i wasn't paying attention.

Ok the title sounds so cringe 😭 BUT IM A LOSER TOO BRO. I am not typical wanting a bf bc of my looks and just stuff in my home life kinda. But like idk I guess I would want someone like me. No friends kinda odd. And I rather want a ROMANTIC relationship. Like I would consider online but theres pedos and the pressure of face reveals and a lot of problems. This is lek just a rant

Me and my gf have been together for almost a year. But honestly for the past few months shes been treating me like we’re just friends again.

It’s happened before and Ive talked to her about it but after that all our conversations just felt forced. Like she was just forcing herself to talk to me. I know she loves me and i love her but i feel like she’s not taking our relationship seriously.

She’s talked about getting married and whatnot but it genuinely feels like she’s only affectionate and talkative whenever she feels like it. Whenever we text its not the same like how we used to, the conversations are dry and boring and there’s no actual conversation going on.

I remember when we first started dating i couldn’t stop smiling and i was so happy that we finally got together but now it feels like we’ve just gotten used to each other and we’re just normal friends again.

Any advice?

Heyo, so before you dive into this story I'm letting you know that my older sister is diagnosed as severely depressed and also manipulative towards me (She was 17 years old while I was 13 years old) and I dont even know how or even why she wants me to follow her to do it but past trauma caused me to do so. (I live in southeast asia if you're a bit confused with the word senior highschool)

So what i was about to talk about is how we got almost arrested while I was in highschool on the other hand she's at senior highschool, During our semester break she asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her (which isn't the exact reason actually) I of course agreed to go because I wasn't able to leave home anytime I want, We rode a tricycle on our way there and I noticed she has a big bag with her but I shrugged it off.

After me and her entered the grocery shop, I didn't notice she started to steal things from the shelf and putting it inside her big bag, I thought we were just gonna buy things instead of putting items in a bag (I was really oblivious to her actions back then) , when me and her arrived at the entrance the guard asked to check her bag and my sister told me she forgot her phone at a shelf, I followed after her not knowing what's happening since I haven't known what my sister had done and the next thing I knew is that me and my sister got grabbed by a guard to get interrogated after that our mom got called over to pay and pick us up. When we arrived back home I was immediately scared of facing my parents since me and my sister did a crime and they didn't know that was gonna be the outcome of our shopping. I always knew my dad as someone really strict and a bit abusive, so I needed to avoid him so bad because I would cry immediately the moment I see him being mad at me. My sister went straight to our shared bedroom, acting mad or normal after putting the family in debt.

Was that supposed to lecture me to not steal or to just inflict more pain by giving me trauma?? I want to see other people's perspective about my story

NYAHAHAHA I'M FUCKING DONE I'M FUCKING DONE I'M FUCKING DONE

MY PARENTS SEEM TO DISRESPECT MY GOAL OF WANTING TO BECOME AN ARTIST

NOBODY WANTS TO HELP ME ON ANY SUBREDDIT

I CAN'T FIND ONE SINGLE FUCKING PERSON TO HELP ME WITH MY ART BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW IF THEY DRAW WHAT I WANT OR IF THEY'RE A SCAM OR NOT

IT GOES TO SHOW: NOBODY WANTS ME TO CONTINUE MY GOALS

I SEE EVERYONE, NO MATTER HOW SMALL, GET MORE ATTENTION THAN ME, SOMEONE WHO NEEDS HELP, SOMEONE WHO GOT KICKED INSIDE WHERE THE SUN DON'T FUCKING SHINE CONSISTENTLY JUST FOR WANTING TO DRAW.

I've vented here for a month now, and I tried following advice, but IT ALL COMES BACK TO BITE ME IN THE FUCKING ASS FOR NO REASON IN PARTICULAR. I CAN'T MOVE ON BECAUSE WHEN I DECIDE TO MOVE ON AND START EVERYTHING OVER FORCEDLY BECAUSE OF SOME FUCKING CHILD TOUCHER, IT ALL BACKFIRES AND PEOPLE WANT TO AVOID ME. AVOID. THE. FUCKING. GROOMER. IT'S LIKE THAT FUCKING TROPE THAT I HATE WHERE EVERYONE LOOOOOOOOOOOVES THE BAD GUY OH BUT WHEN IT'S THE GOOD GUY OH HELL YEAH LET'S MAKE THEIR LIFE FUCKING MISERABLE

I'M TRYING, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WRONG

YOU KNOW THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY? IT'S ME

I TRY TO DO THE SAME FUCKING SHIT IN VERY DIFFERENT WAYS, INNOVATE WHILE DOING SO, EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT, AND I'M EVEN AVOIDING ALL THE RED FLAGS THIS TIME, BUT IT'S NOW LIKE "THERE'S NO THIRD CHANCE, YOU GOT GROOMED SUCKS TO BE YOU HAHAHAHAHHAHA GO TAKE A LONG FUCKING WALK OFF A SHORT PIER"

I... don't know what to do anymore

I try to improve in art, but it never works

I try to improve as a person, but highly ludicrous bullshit happens just to make me feel miserable

I just... wanted to be like my favorite artists, that's all. There's no harm in that, right?

But now... I just can't even put myself to respect anyone

I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN PLANET

WHY IS EVERYONE LIKE THIS TO ME

I CAN'T

WHAT DO I EVEN DO AT THIS POINT

I am tired about feeling like a failure.. I have done a mistake and I want to find amends to it.. But all I feel is I am tired I can't anymore..

My boyfriend feels hurt and I know I have hurt him but I don't know how to make amends. I know I am the worst person present.. I have let him down always.. I feel like I am the bad person in his life.. Somehow whatever happens I end up being the bad person.. I get angry I shout.. I don't know how to process anything.. I don't know how to go on.. I have made a decision to end my life right now.. I feel like I have no purpose and no motivation if things will be alright.. I have no hope left.. I can't change the situation nor myself and nothing is getting solved anymore.. So I have decided to die

How do you quit a job that really depends on you?

I've been with this corporate company for over five years. When I started, I really enjoyed it—different team, exciting projects... but things changed. I was moved to a new team last year after I politely mentioned to my previous boss that I wasn’t feeling it anymore. Then, I got shifted again, and now I’m with my current team for the past month and a half. I've honestly never felt worse about work in my life. I absolutely hate what I’m doing now; there’s no interest, no motivation. I feel sick every morning, and my Sundays are just filled with dread. Anxiety and depression have crept in.

The tricky part is that I’m working on a brand-new project, and I’m one of the most experiencd people in this field here, so they’re really counting on me. Like, heavily relying on me. If I left, it would seriously throw a wrench in their plans. But I’ve hit a wall and feel like I can’t do this anymore. Not one more day. They’ve even told me no vacation or sick days are allowed for the next few months due to the workload, and my boss subtly reminded me about the two sick days I already took. That’s when it really hit me—it’s time to go.

But I’d be quitting without another job lined up, and that worries me. Plus, I feel guilty about leaving them in such a tough spot, and I dread how my boss might treat me during the notice period. I really need advice here. 😭

You know, today has genuinely felt unreal. From waking up in the morning scrolling constantly without a signle muscle to pull me out until 10, to searching for job applications in hopes of eating away at my time in other ways, I felt like I have been aimlessly floating in this world without a single care. I currently have a girlfriend, and think about what could've been with my ex no mattter how much time passes. I feel like i'm going crazy, and I feel so dead. I don't know where to aim myself, and constantly strive to look for ways to become a better person, but the same feeling still exists deep inside of me. I also want to share that, me and my ex talked for months, and I felt like the way things ended were so quick that I was unable to gain closure, and no matter what I do, every girl for the rest of my life will be a rebound. does anyone know ways of being constantly productive. I want to live a life I can look back on, and smile at.

Trigger Warning: this post has the topic suicide in it.

im in love with this guy right? i think hes too cause hes like really nice to me and he jokes all the time that he likes me.

so a few weeks ago things got out of hand and i was super suicidal. i told him that i probably was going to kill myself soon. that was idiotic of me. he told the police and now i have to follow MORE therapy. which in turn makes me more suicidal. ironic i know. that thought me to not trust him with my thoughts anymore.

then his friend reached out to me. i told him the same stuff. he told him. ive talked to him multiple times about stuff in my life and everytime ekko (the guy i like) somehow knows about it. ive accused him of it multiple times. and multiple times he told me its true. last time (just now) he ignored it.

ive got no outlet anymore. i dont know if i even want to trust anyone anymore. it sucks you know. ive trusted way too many times and way too many times that trust has been broken.

and please dont try to feel sympathy for the whole suicidal thing. ive heard the blah blah "i get it" slop before way too many times. ive been trough 3 therapist now and im pretty sick of it.

thanks for reading. sorry if i seem like a dick right now. i have that sometimes

So we have been on a roller coaster with my epilepsy. But as a separate issue, I also struggle with incontinence at night. I haven't told anyone this because I know it's due to my autism and my body being so relaxed at night that I don't get the proper cues that I need to go. Well my mom finally found out when doing the washing, but now she thinks it's linked to my epilepsy, which means it will be brought up at every appointment. Even though that's not true. I've tried to tell her I didn't pee myself during a seizure, but she doesn't believe me and now she's going to expect that for every seizure.

So yeah, you know everyone is "ugly" at 13? Well, I feel that way. I'm a girl, 13, and I feel ugly with a capital "UG". Wanna know why? Well, I have a very weird slim face with puffiness on the cheeks, I have some pimples on my hairline, near my nose and back, eczema scarring that doesn't go away unless I apply lots of moisturizers but you'll still know I'm itchy, hair with dryness in the scalp from eczema and I need medicinal shampoos, a nose which looks too round from the side at the bridge, lips that are just very awkward and not thick or thin, have whiteheads under my mouth, thin-haired eyebrows, eyes which are too big and brown which makes it look boring, a forehead that's two eyes big, black curly hair which needs oil, I'm very short at 5'4", and my weight so far is 44kg, and right now because my teeth are ugly and crowded, I wanted cute braces but instead I got the self-ligating ones which makes me look too nerdy, gross and very ugly. And I now have issues like eczema, acne, cat allergies, and I may get asthma since they all are in the atopic triad, so that makes me both unhealthy and very flawed. And my braces don't have any ligatures and my teeth are very crowded, so I look nerdy instead of cute like on Pinterest. And I'm built like a thin mom, yet I'm 44kg, maybe I need to lose weight. And 5'4" is short for a woman, since USA ladies are 5'7". I'm not even from USA, yet I look so ugly. And maybe, just maybe, I can do surgery to at least change my nose, and take veneers to fix my teeth.

4, I have had a total of 4 friends who have either cut, or cut currently. I dont know why but for some reason i feel as if it is my fault. I feel like if i had just stepped up i could have helped them. At one point i attempted to cut myself, but someone walked in, luckly, they didn't see me. I am the youngest of 4 in my family, and feel as though i have to do something different, as most of my siblings have done/are doing great things. I feel the wieght of all their success on my shoulders, and i can still hear every hurtful thing they have ever said repeating in my head, but it isnt just theirs, but every single hurtful thing i have ever heard. I constantly tell myself that i am not good enough and i have had others say the same to my face and, quite literally, behind my back. I have gone through years of bullying and i cry myself to sleep most nights. I also don't think my trauma is important enough so i dont share to my friends or family. My dad, siblings, and ex made me insecure about talking to much, and a girl named Harlow Curry made me insecure about being fat and ugly. I tell myself they were simply telling the truth, and that it isnt their fault. Everything that has ever happened to me, someone else has a worse story and makes mine sound fine, they say that mental abuse doesn't count as abuse, but i attempted suicide once and people still dont care. I have started to agree with them and now every second of every day there is a voice saying that i am not good enough and that my trauma doesn't matter, and finally, that everything bad is always my fault, yes, even things out of my control. But it also say that everything good i have done doesn't matter.

i'm aware that there's a high possibility that most of this is my fault for not like expressing myself or whatever, so i am wondering if i'm 'crazy' - if i'm being reasonable. my friends aren't the most supportive people to me, but that can be explained by me not being a very open person myself. a lot of them have relatively big problems in their own lives and they come to others in the group to vent or cope, but i don't have those types of big problems, at least not anymore. but when i did (when a family member had cancer) i went through it basically alone as i, successfully somehow, trudged through other areas of my life like academics. it was never something that i would let get myself down. but the thing is my friends didnt really try to reach out? i know they knew i told them or my parents told their parents who told them. maybe they knew i wouldnt be so receptive, because i really would not have, but its the fact that it feels like they didnt even try. theres this sense of building resentment as it becomes easier and easier for me to notice their flaws, especially when they interact with each other, weirdly enough. i never point it out because the recipients never seem to have a problem with it but sometimes it drives me mad. one of my friends, she doesn't even notice it, but she turns almost every conversation to herself to talk about her problems. once, another friend was talking about her problems, very serious ones, and somehow she managed to turn the conversation completely around to her problems. but this other friend didn't seem to have a problem with it. but it really fucking pissed me off, even though i didn't say anything. it feels like i am seeing something that isn't there and i have to stay quiet because it looks like no one else notices or cares. am i crazy? do i have self centered friends? am i the self centered one? idfk but i feel isolated from this group and im wondering how much of it is my fault. oh also, they all forgot my birthday last year and i give them some benefit of the doubt because i didnt mention any plans or that it was coming but i have known them for several years, whereas several from my high school who ive known for like two at that point wished me happy birthday. honestly im waiting to see if they remember this year since its coming up. i think i might be ridiculous.