Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Today, after days and years of unknowingly dealing with the worst yet the most trusted people in my life, I've decided once again to just let go of my attachments towards them. I don't know, I wouldn't want to call them my parents anymore but I guess this is almost a small letter to them. I will not say sorry, because everything happened, not because of me but because of them carelessly making me. I may have grown into a "bad" person but I belive I've had enough. Because of this, I don't know how I'll ever get to go to college. Eitherway, I will try to learn making a business, maybe through digital products. If all else fails, I'll just either become a nun or convert to Buddhism and become a monk. I may not be heavily religious but I do believe in spirituality..does that make sense? To me, a God does exist, but it all jsut depends on us on how we view them, whether they be many or just 1. Sorry for yapping but these are my thoughts right now in living. Seriously. My dream for getting a "great" and "amazing" education is over. It was never my first dream so I guess it's been short lived. Instead, I can finally have chances to actually try other risky jobs..like journalism..the arts.. Film..all expensive if I had to take courses in uni for them but if all I can definitely jsut into any of these fields and still survive. Wow.. Life can take you anywhere, and I'm afraid I might even become dirt poor if I'm not too careful.

My journey all started when I got knee surgery for my meniscus tear. In this story my empire was destroyed only to be rebuilt with unstable ruble.

I was an active person before my injury working out 14 hours a week and eating a well balanced diet, I got at least 8 or more hours of sleep each night. I also had all A’s in my classes and a wonderful group of friends. Overall my life was stable and perfect in all aspects. When I tore my meniscus and got the surgery I was still resilient and hopeful for a couple months after. I went to physical therapy every week and was progressing more than the average person would. It wasn’t until March that the downers of life started catching up to me. I was starting to get burnt out from school since I had to make up for the weeks I was recovering. I also felt more depressed. At the end of the school year things really lightened up. I got on an antidepressant called sertraline, However I never took the medication because I had the idea that it would mess with me. Day after day I skipped my medication and it finally became summer break. And not even a week into summer break I just broke down. Apparently my mind was on its last stilt and just fell and all the stress came crashing down with it. I started having symptoms like mood swings and suicidal thoughts. So my psychiatrist put me on abilify to stabilize my mood because it switched often. My mood swings were from crying to feeling like I was the coolest person on the planet, this would happen a couple times a day. I soon had my first visit to a mental hospitable due to suicidal actions. Once I finished my stay my psychiatrist took me off sertraline and put me on cymbalta. I actually took cymbalta, however another symptom showed up and I started to have extreme anxiety at the start of July. Everything seemed like they were trying to keep me in this dream called life and the only way I could end it was by killing myself. I also started to take substances like nutmeg and LSA. I felt really unstable in life. I then started a php program that was short lived before going to the mental hospital for my second stay. At the mental hospital I started prazosin and trazodone. I was also diagnosed with derealization and depersonalization By August things started to get better but I started to notice I couldn’t control my actions and impulses as well anymore, I didn’t feel like I was my usual stable self anymore. In an attempt to get a thrill and escape I took a plant called Datura on five different occasions. The drug put me into a place of delirium that felt confusing yet safe. Soon my parents found out and stopped me from taking it again. I was still struggling till the middle of September. I took 62 pills of benadryl to get the same delirium I had on Datura. I continued taking benadryl till my parents noticed my pupils dilated. Then the next day they sent me to the mental hospital again. When I got out I continued life, still struggling. I also seemed to gain 90 pounds in three months. My psychiatrist was at the point where they were about to diagnose me with Borderline personality disorder. However me and my family decided to send me to a residential school in California before anything could happen and take off the school semester. At the residential we found out that I had Hypothyroidism and was put on lamictal and thyroxine. After staying at the residence for 2 months I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. When I got home I was put into a php where at some point I ended up eating a benadryl ointment cream as a last resort to get that delirium. The next day it was found out cause I was acting weird. Thankfully they didn’t send me to the mental hospital. I soon finished php and moved on to Iop. This was the time school started. In the first week of school I decided to drink 300mg of caffeine a night to see what happens and then decided to not sleep for three days due to nightmares. At this point I was starting to go into a psychosis believing I was meant to be schizophrenic in my next life so I should kill myself. The world also started to glitch and I felt Euphoric as hell. However, I decided to sleep on Thursday to Saturday and then decided to try staying up for 5 days on Sunday. I am now finishing night two while writing this. All being said, I truly hate myself right now. My feelings for myself switch from feeling like I am superior to everyone to feeling like I am unlovable and I hate myself. I honestly hate my personality so much to the point I want to actually commit suicide. I don’t know if this is a personality disorder or if I am just actually stupid or crazy. I used to have this stable personality but now my personality is reckless and moody. If anybody relates to this please tell me because I don’t want to be alone in this. (I'm not necessarily looking for a diagnosis I am just looking for others experience similar to mine)

It's been a few months since my dear wife passed away from cancer. At 52, I find myself at a loss, struggling to navigate the labyrinth of emotions that seems endless. I've read, heard, and tried to digest that "time heals all wounds," but I'm just not feelin' it right now. Every room in our house whispers her name, and her laugh echoes in corners where sunlight rarely touches. The silence is unnerving, and the ticking clock feels more like a countdown than a comfort. Is it supposed to be this hard???

I'm stuck in this weird spot. Friends say, "Keep going, bud," like it's some pre-recorded advice they play on repeat. But how does one keep going when the road ahead is clouded in fog??? I find snippets of relief in memories, reminiscing the good ol' days, but it ain't easy to keep trudging forward. I'm tryin' to channel my grief into something productive. Working on little projects, ya know? Like fixing that squeaky cabinet she always hated. Baby steps, I guess. Positivity, right? What I crave is some assurance that this path I'm on is progressive, that eventually, I'll find solid ground. So, how to keep going??? Any hints, any tips!!! To stumble upon a ray of hope amid this haze would be a blessing. Embracing positivity isn't just about keeping a smile plastered on my face; it's about granting myself grace and acknowledging that perhaps I don't have all the answers right now, and maybe that's okay. Maybe it's okay to ask for help once in a while...

I am 17 I'm supposed to be at school right now but my mother is telling me to go to work in foreign country

(I'll be using country 1[ home country] and country 2 [foreign country] for anonymousy)

I'll name myself Pom for anonymousy, before going to country 2.. my mom already started treating us badly, literally a day before the flight my mom pointed a knife at my (little) sister and started hitting her with wood. I went there to shield her as I cried with her, All this because my sister refused to eat something..

In the hotel she acted like nothing happened, even calling us her "baby"

.. Once we stepped foot in country 2 we were greeted by our dad who's smiling. I didn't like it one bit, it gave me chills and those chills were a sign because

After just a few months of being in country 2, there were already shouting and fighting. We don't engage in them they engaged with us. Like the topic was supposed to be my dad's laziness then turned into me and my sisters (2) school expenses.

We got so tired we called the police on them because my father started threatening to break my (middle) sister's bones. Once we got to the police station, their tone changed to something more nice..

Us three looked crazy, fidgeting because we need to have a face to face conversation with them. But when we weren't able to we were asked to go home, because they promised they won't be sleeping in the apartment.

They lied and once we did get to the apartment and the cops were gone they re-entered the apartment and started saying so many bad thing to us.. that's when they said me and my (middle) sister should go back to country 1, like as if we didn't want to but we don't want to leave my (little) sister alone with them when they weren't the ones who would beat her up.

A day after packing, my mom came home and suddenly said "you don't need to go" I thought they would excuse their behavior for being stressed again but no she added "give me 10k" AND I LOOKED AT HER DEADASS. I don't know if I should laugh or not.

Everything died down a little after that, but..

There was a party in the apartment, just a family party one and my father who shouldn't drink started drinking (he was diagnosed with something that prevented him to drink..)

The next day my parents fought and me and my sisters went to a mall with my mom..

Again everything seems fine not until it was 3:20 I woke up from my father's singing. He was drunk again, my mother woke up and told him to shut it off

He didn't listen and said "In a bit I'd get my drugs haha" my mom was furious and asked "What?? Are you gonna grape your children too??" My dad replied "Yes, Mom's name, I will"

I was shaking in my room and texted mom to come inside the room, so he won't come in.. he didn't fortunately

And I asked my mom if we can go away from him just for a few hours and my mom reluctantly agreed. Once the few hours were up though.. and my mom wanted to go home, my father started yelling "Oy!" Repeatedly

Startled me and my sisters rushed outside. We're scared so scared..

After a month the situation has died down, but I feel uneasy.. and scared.

And even more so after my mother kept telling me to just work, because she's tired WELL I AM TOO.

She told me to stop school because im turning 18, well this is their choice.. THEY CHOOSE TO GO TO THIS COUNTRY NOW I GO BACK A GRADE, not because I'm dumb or have low grades I have a 90 on my card. It's because of the school policy.. (part1?)

My school has started, but it's online. I'm in 9th now. And right now, why not expect this? Everyone acts so serious about their careers, but you know what's funny? They don't care by 10th. Why is my family treating this like this is good for my career, when I'm only 14? Not that they're super adamant about it, but fuck 'em. I'm tired of being nice or kind or accommodating. Where has it gotten me? Tired, alone, friendless, and fucking losing my shit every 5 seconds now with people's BS. I wanna drink a beer, but I'm too young and it tastes bad. Remember my MEFCC post? That's all in the fucking past! Fuck! It's postponed to September, but hey, I didn't book any tickets. I didn't commit, so I can just NOT GO to be normal. To be an adult. I wanted to so badly be accepted, with people like me, but growing up is realizing life will never go your way and the only person with you is you. I hated this, but now, I'm just sleepy, this means I've accepted this truth. There is already too much going on. My school is online, Dubai is getting bombed by Iran, MEFCC got postponed, my exams are on June, I'm with the same class who excluded me, and everyday, I am convinced kindness hasn't gotten me anywhere. Fuck! I gave up the dream. It was a dream after all. The dream to have a good time at school, to have fun in an event with folks like me, to try again in exams and succeed in it, to dress up and have fun, to just be. But it's a dream, I've accepted it. I've come to terms with the fact that everything is pointless until it is perfect. By that logic, I'm worthless. I wouldn't care if I passed or failed exams, or if I went or not, I wouldn't even care. When you fail once, the best thing is to give up. It's easy. Adults live life easy. Don't try to reach godhood when you're mortal. Don't try to aim for niche or freelancing when you're the only scummy, sick scoundrel doing it. I am a fucking cunty scoundrel.

Hi so my love life has been shit and so I've written some piece. I have no prior experience in writing or anything. I just wrote whatever I wanted to and this is what i've written

BLASPHEMY

Author’s Note: This piece is my own personal story which is inspired to me by the song I love and relate, Kalapastangan by fitterkarma

“ I’ll die with a smile

As long as you are by my side

I’ll live with regret

If I couldn’t make you smile one day yet

It is blasphemy not to love you

It is madness not to think of you

If the world were to suddenly fall apart

You’re the first one I’d look for….”

If one were to ask how I feel about you, these words would always be the first to conquer my mind.

I can feel them rushing through the blood in every part of my body, engraving my soul. All my five senses; sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch, yearns for you only, only you….

How could I ever stop loving you? It’s a sin to even think of such dreadful thoughts!!!!

I wonder how much of everything was real to you? Maybe everything was fun to you, though it was never to me and will never be. I was foolish to think I ever meant something to you. My whole world crashed as I realized I’ll never be…

They are sick of hearing about you, they tell me to forget about you. But how could I ever!? One told me to admire you but how am I supposed do that only as I have always admired you from faraway…

It aches to have the thoughts of you forever disappearing from my life. It pains to let go of you.

I wish I never realized I love you…

They tell me to not overthink and I’ll be okay but what wrong have I done? Is it a sin to love someone very deeply? They don’t believe me when I tell them I’ll keep on loving you even if you don’t exist in my chapter anymore but I know for sure you’d be the one for me as long as you exist, even if years passes by…

Even though it was for short moment, I’ll keep it close to my soul for eternity. The thought of moving on, forgetting about you and falling in love with someone new genuinely kills me deep from inside. I was over the moon when you first texted me and I could feel happiness oozing out from myself during the times we spent together.

I curse the universe for this seriously. Why does the universe have to play this game to me? Ever time I wanted to forget about you, the universe would keep reminding me about you!! If only I never realized I loved you, if only you didn’t text me and met me; would I be in this much pain….

I don’t want these emotions to be fleeting, I don’t want to forget about my love for you. So, I can be reminded of this everytime if I start forgetting. If only you knew how much everything meant to me. You’d always be the one in my mind always and every passing moment, the one whom I look for amongst the places I go, knowing you’ll never be there….

I LOVE YOU “S”.

Music Credit: “Kalapastangan” by fitterkarma (lyrics translated by iyang)

i started drawing again last week after months of avoiding it like the plague, and yeah, it wasn’t some miraculous recovery arc or inspirational movie moment, it was just me sitting there with my shitty pencils and a wrinkled sketchbook trying not to panic over whether the lines were “good enough” or if the proportions matched human anatomy—or whatever. no music, no cozy candles, just raw silence and this constant tightness in my chest that made me want to rip everything apart. drawing used to be easy, like second nature, something automatic; now it’s like diffusing a bomb while blindfolded. every mark feels like a risk. it’s ridiculous. i know it. “don’t overthink it,” people say, as if that ever stopped anyone with anxiety from spiraling. still, i kept going. the first one was garbage. the second looked worse. third was somehow more insulting to the art world than the first two combined. but then the fourth? it was fine. not amazing, not portfolio-worthy, but fine. and something clicked—maybe i don’t have to be amazing at it right now. maybe it’s not about perfection anymore. maybe the point is showing up at all. i kept drawing. shaking hands and all. i’ve accepted i’ll draw like trash some days and maybe, maybe less like trash on others. who cares? who’s watching? it’s my sketchbook. my mess. my battle. and i swear, the anxiety isn’t as loud when i’m focused on shading the folds of a hoodie or aligning the pupils of some weird anime eye. it’s like tricking my brain into shutting the hell up for a second and that second is gold. have you ever tried doing that? finding a task just complicated enough to trap the anxiety behind it?

funny thing is, i showed a piece to my therapist and she said, “there’s tension in your linework but also progress. it’s expressive.” i didn’t even know what the hell that meant but it made me feel less like a failure. one drawing at a time, i feel more in control. not of life, not of anxiety, but of something. and that matters. people talk about exposure therapy all the time, but they never mention that sometimes it looks like sitting in your room sketching a hand over and over until your brain lets you breathe. you want to know what helps more than affirmations and breathing exercises?? mechanical pencils. no joke. the crispness, the control, the lack of sharpening... godsend. i’m not saying art cures anxiety, don’t get it twisted. i’m saying it gives it less space to spread. you ever tried screaming with a pencil in your mouth and both hands smudged in graphite?? me neither, but that’s kinda what it feels like. controlled chaos. beautiful distraction. controlled distraction, even. i still freak out sometimes while drawing—like if the paper gets smudged wrong or if i suddenly hate the nose i’ve spent 30 minutes on—but it passes. like waves. drawing became my anchor. my unintentional mindfulness tool. not because i wanted it to be, but because it just ended up that way; the only thing keeping me grounded when my chest is tight and my mind is screaming “what if?? what if?? what if??” over and over like a broken fire alarm. i know some people use journaling or running or god forbid, talking to others—but for me, it’s this. rough lines. smudges. messy scribbles. maybe ugly, maybe not. i’m not doing this for likes or validation. i’m doing this to breathe. maybe that’s enough. maybe that’s the whole point.

Hello, thank you so much for reading this, I would really love to hear your opinion on this matter.

I have ocd, and I have been going to this therapist for almost 3 years now and I didn't really see an issue with them, they are very understanding and helpful. My parents when they first met the therapist, there was a little language barrier with my mother and the therapist, but they tried really hard to make this work. My father is the one who usually speaks to my therapist and till now there was no issue, well particularly from me, because it was going smoothly; my parents had this issue: That my therapist and I would have conversations and would not tell them anything what we discussed about, my therapist told me and them that the discussion(?)(I am sorry I am not sure what appropriate word I must use here) is confidential, my therapist explained my parents about my problems, my father understood the issues but I think he didn't like the fact that the improvement would take alot of time, but he did he his very best to support me and so did my mother and my elder sibling.....but they didn't really understand the severity of my ocd which really annoyed them and despite my therapist explaining it to them, they(my parents) would ask why? This was difficult for me because I was and still am having a hard time with my ocd. I failed 11th grade and did 12th grade in open schooling ( my parents didn't like it, but were very supportive, which was good for me). I passed 12th grade and somehow managed to get into an engineering college. My therapist advised us not to choose a difficult subject for my mental wellbeing. But no. I was doing fine in the first semester of college but by the end of it my mental health worsened and I lost all the mental strength I had to continue studying. I made it clear that this was difficult and I needed a year long break from college but my parents didn't want that. I told my concerns to my therapist who sort of agreed that I needed a semester's break, and explained this to my parents. They obviously didn't like the idea and assumed that my therapist put this 'break' mindset into my head and they weren't happy about it. I forced myself to continue college in 2nd semester but I really dreadful in the classes. So before my Lab exam I explained my mental health and difficulty in understanding and keeping up with college and I was mentally exhausted from my ocd. They didn't like it, things became chaotic to kinda to the point of physical and a lot of verbal abuse...I am not looking for empathy because I believe that I have my faults in here. In the heat of the moment my family said really heartbreaking things obviously but then started blaming my therapist for all of this situation, they said that my therapist brainwashed me into thinking certain things and how much I behave like an addict. A lot of bad things were said to and obviously I got affected by it. After a few days my family and my college teacher convinced me to finish the exams and now here I am suffering to even think something and at this point I am pretty sure my therapist was done with my parents shit and wouldn't really text me back when I needed their support... at one point I sent a long message telling my therapist how I didn't want to continue college being in this terrible state and I am not quitting on education! I saw a text from my dad's phone on a whim and turns out my therapist sent a whole screenshot of our conversation. I don't know what to do here everything is so unclear, I for some stupid reason checked my therapists reviews online didn't really find any negative reviews about them. I am confused here, my family dislikes my therapist and I don't know what to think of and am I wrong to assume that my therapist is not that great at all? Despite all the good things people said about her? What do I do????!!!!

Today, I experienced something I feel compelled to share, but let me provide some backdrop first. A while back, doctors diagnosed my mom, in her sixties, with a brain tumor that wasn’t causing her distress at the time. It was accidentally discovered during a check-up for a different issue. The doctors decided to monitor it rather than conducting invasive procedures.

Fast forward to the present, the tumor has gotten bigger. Mom's doctors are suggesting surgery to remove it and carry out further tests. Naturally, my mom is terrified about the operation and keeps wavering on her decision.

I relayed this situation to my husband, who's 35 like me. We've purposely kept our daughter, who's four, in the dark about her grandma's condition, so I spoke to him in private. It's important to know that my husband strongly favors natural remedies and believes people should address the root causes of their health problems. While I agree that medicine or surgery isn't always necessary—having managed my own anxiety and depression through lifestyle adjustments—his views can be a bit extreme for me.

Previously, when my sister was dealing with thyroid cancer, he attributed it to her stress levels and recommended meditation.

He gave a similar response when my dad needed urgent care for internal bleeding.

And once, when I had severe chest pain and had to rush to the ER—where I later found out I needed more tests—he insisted it was just anxiety and didn't accompany me.

When we found out our daughter had allergies and needed medication, he argued it was because she didn't spend enough time outdoors, claiming codependency could trigger respiratory issues.

Discussing my mom’s current medical issue, he suggested that breathwork could cure brain cancer and expressed that if he were in her shoes, he'd avoid surgery or medication and focus on lifestyle changes that might have led to the illness.

I requested him not to share these views with my mom and to instead offer me support. I wanted to know if he thought I was okay or if he could provide me emotional backing. He replied that he couldn’t support me while I disregarded his treatment ideas. Frustrated, I cut off the conversation.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him not to impose his unsolicited holistic treatments on my mom or to refrain from sharing those views with me? Please note, I’ve never asked for his medical opinions in the past, only for his emotional support.

Imagine if I were on some reality show discussing this—I bet the audience would be gasping and taking sides! Some might cheer for holistic approaches, while others would probably empathize with the need for emotional support during tough times. The scene would get heated, prompting all sorts of reactions from shock to support to disbelief!

Sometimes i'd want to reset my life like a video game (even though i know It's not) and start over and do everything right because i just keep messing up. I feel like i'm a failure and like i'm wasting my time and other people's because no matter what i do and what i try i never get better. I always feel so exhausted and tired and every day feels like It's getting worse and i don't even know how to explain It to people It feels like i'm rotting and It's been like this for years now and It's only getting worse and i don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of feeling this way and ruining the things I was working for. I just want to hide and sleep forever. I'm so so tired. I've been tired for years now and It never gets better.

the girl i liked... said I'm like a "little sister" to her.

I don't know how to feel... i mean, this means she holds affection for me in a way, right? but it's not the way i wished it was... but i am heartbroken, how will i look at her again knowing im a "little sister"? how weird would it be for a "little sister" to tell her she's in love with her? I don't want it to be creepy, but damn!

maybe it's because im autistic? because i like to jump around, play games, collect toys and make silly little noises? i am an adult, working and paying stuff, but I'm still so childish in a way. people have told me I'm cute like this, and i thought this was a good thing... but now, i see that it might be the reason the woman i loved sees me as nothing more than a "funny little sister".

i feel so stupid. i will have to get over this, somehow, but for now i just feel stupid...

A few years back, when I was in my second year of college at age 20, jarring—a college misunderstanding story—that still lingers in my mind, despite reassurances from friends and family that I wasn't at fault. During that year, I became friends with a freshman guy, age 19, who shared many of the same classes and extracurricular activities as I did. We clicked almost immediately and enjoyed casual chats and occasional lunch meet-ups with no hints of anything more, until one day when he asked me out. Given my zero experience in dating, I agreed, excited about the idea.

Surprisingly, he didn’t follow up on his invitation, and we continued to interact just as we had before. It wasn’t until many months later, at a basketball game in March, that things took an uncomfortable turn. He made a move to touch me inappropriately, which I didn't appreciate. I brushed him off and later on, when he tried again, I reacted strongly due to personal sensitivities and past traumas. Confused and upset by my reaction, he claimed he thought I was his girlfriend, to which I replied sharply and left.

Later that evening, realizing there had been a misunderstanding—that he had thought his asking me out meant we were officially an item—I sent him a message clarifying my stance and apologizing for the mix-up. He didn’t reply. Subsequent encounters were icy and awkward, and soon, I learned he had been spreading negative rumors about me.

Now, imagine if this whole ordeal was caught on a reality show? Undoubtedly, the drama would be magnified, potentially painting me in a very different light depending on the audience's perspective. The situation’s complexity mixed with public scrutiny might have twisted the perception of my actions, making the resolution even harder.

Thinking about it, should I handle this differently or was it just a misunderstanding gone wrong?

so I don't know what category to put it in or how to say this but its not a vent, I'm just confused and loss of words.

soo there's this guy (B) he's my bsf (N) brother. we dated before but I broke up with him months ago. now we are in a "talking"/"dating thing" idk its in between. anyhow we got each others number and we have been talking ALOT. yesterday afternoon we were talking and he asked me if I wanted to see a video he's been "making"/"made already" (yt video) I said sure and he sent a link to yt (I assumed it was anyway) but when I clicked on it...well... uhh.. it sent me to a p*_rn hub and I clicked out of it so fast and got traumatized. a minute later I thought maybe my phone was on something but no (I clicked on it diff times to see if I wasn't crazy but uhhh nawh it sent me to multiple different p*_rn hubs) I told him it wasn't a video to yt (acting chill abt it) but he said "oh" "did you watch it?" I said no, not to be weird. he eventually sent the right thing but I don't know what to do (its the next day) so do i confront him about it or just delete our convo and never speak to each other again?

SOS

Lately I’ve been feeling like I have been falling behind in life compared to other teens. I often see my peers hanging out with friends or significant others on the weekend, whilst I bed rot and constantly scroll through my social media. I feel a deep sense of hatred and disgust towards myself because I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough. I also struggle with my body image because I feel uncomfortable inside my own body and sometimes feel like I want to rip my skin off. I feel like I’m watching my youth fly by me day by day and I don’t know how to stop it.

I have been born and raised in a pretty religious family, and I always had a good relationship with god but for the past few years ( since 2023 ) it has been so rough.

At first it was okay, I was upset but I still believed that god would help me or guide me but as days passed by I saw that my family and I just constantly went under extreme horrible bad luck and bad luck. People tend to say whatever god does, does it for the betterment for you but what is this? How can we believe that god will save us when it feels like he doesn’t even listen. It’s upsetting to see honest people suffer while selfish people thrive and people say that we shouldn’t say anything as god will punish them after death.

There is this pretty important thing coming up for my religion but honestly I’m not even excited, for the first time in my entire life I’m having second thoughts about whether or not I should perform it.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe god exists and I do want to fix my relationship with my religion but sometimes just sometimes, I just tend to think that it is all so pointless.

( sorry for the confusing rant lol, I just wanted to vent )