Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

i’ve been asking myself that question for a while now and i don't want to talk about that with my friends. like, i don’t do the stuff you see on tv or in movies, i’m not cutting or bleeding or anything like that. but sometimes when i get really anxious or angry or just... overwhelmed, i scratch at my arms or the back of my neck or even my legs, usually when no one’s around. i tell myself it's nothing, that it’s not serious. but then i look at my skin and it's red and sometimes raw, and i start wonderin if it does count. maybe i’m just being dramatic. or maybe i’m scared to admit that something's not okay with me. cause if i admit that, then what? do i tell someone? what if they think i’m just looking for attention? what if they don’t take me seriously cause i’m not “hurting myself the right way,” if that even makes sense.

i started doing it more during exams last year. the pressure just got to me and i felt like i was gonna explode. i didn’t even think about it at first — it was just a way to deal with the stress. dig my nails in, press hard, breathe, repeat. sometimes it helped me feel like i was in control, like i could focus my brain on that instead of everything else spinning around. but then one of my friends saw a mark on my wrist and was like “dude what happened there?” and i panicked. made up a story about my cat scratching me. i don’t even have a cat. i laughed it off, and he didn’t push, but afterward i felt so ashamed. like what the hell am i doing to myself? why can’t i just deal with life like a normal person?

it’s not like my life is that bad. i mean, i got a roof over my head, food, i’m doing ok in school, my parents are around even if we don’t talk much. but i just feel... numb half the time. and then randomly i’ll feel too much, like someone plugged my brain into an amp and cranked the volume up to 100. that’s when i start scratching. i guess it’s my way of trying to feel something real, or maybe it’s just a distraction. i don’t even know anymore. sometimes i do it and then sit there staring at the red marks, thinking “wtf is wrong with me.” other times i do it and just move on like nothing happened. like it’s normal. but it’s not, right? this can’t be normal.

i googled it one night and found people asking the same question. “is scratching yourself a form of self-harm?” and the answers weren’t super clear but most said yeah, it can be. self-harm isn’t always about blood. it’s about intention. and that kinda hit me. cause even if i’m not trying to “hurt” myself, i am trying to punish myself in a way. or escape something. or maybe both. i don’t know how to talk about it tho. i don’t even know if i want help or just someone to sit with me and say “i get it.” not fix me, not judge me, just get it. cause honestly the silence in my own head is sometimes the scariest part. i keep wondering if anyone else around me is going through this and just hiding it like i am.

so yeah, maybe scratching is a form of sh. maybe it’s not about what you’re using to hurt yourself but why you're doing it. i don’t want to keep doing this forever. i want to find a better way to cope. but for now, writing this is a start, i guess. if you're reading this and you’ve done the same thing — if you’ve ever sat in your room scratching at yourself and feeling like a freak — just know you’re not alone. i’m out here too, still figuring it out. still asking the same questions. and maybe, just maybe, that means we’re not as broken as we think.

first of all, sorry if I have any grammar or vocabulary errors, English is not my first language.

so, I (f, 17) have had this friend (m,18) for almost 6 years, I shared everything with him and loved him with all my heart.

we met because he had a crush on me, but he moved forward in a few months. He was very sweet at first, and it was so nice to talk about anything with him. also, he always had depressio, and I've always been there for him, honestly.

when he got a girlfriend we lost contact a little, because she was kind of jealous, and I understood it perfectly bc I didn't want to make things weird for anyone. we still talked tho, but only about serious problems and not a lot.

when they broke up two years later me and my friend got closer again because he needed a friend to talk to. I helped him with what I could, but soon I started to have feelings for him. I didnt told him bc I didn't want to ruin our friendship bc I loved him so much in that way, so I tried to wait for those feelings to pass, but they didn't.

still, I didn't do anything about it, I knew he didn't saw me the same way, and also he was going through a thought breakup.

one day I invited him and my other bestie over bc there was a concert at my stepdad town. there was two beds for us, so my other bestie (girl and in a relationship) and I were supposed to sleep together and he was supposed to sleep alone. he didnt. he slept between the two of us. he scooped in my direction and hugged me, then kissed me, and we ended up making love on the other bed. I confessed to him that night before doing anything because I was a lil drunk, and he told me he kind of felt something similar. the next day he told me he did not, and that he didn't want to do it again.

months passed by and we continued having sex, I still felt the same way and I always cried after because I felt really bad and kind of used. one that, I was told by my friends that they saw him kissing his ex, and I felt horrible bc he didn't told me. he apologized and I forgave him, but he kept lying about everything, so I started to get really mad at him because he always came to me with the only motivation of affection and when he felt alone or had nothing else to do.

he always said sorry, and always did the same. I got really tired and demanded the respect I deserve, and told him that he never helped me when I needed him (which is true bc when I had 13 or smth I had no friends but him, I told him and asked him to spend more time together and he told me to get more friends).

and he got tired of me demanding that respect, so he started drifting away instead of trying to fix our friendship.

last week, I begged him to fix this, but he did not want to bc he has other friends now (that's literally what he told me) and bc Im always sad (remember he has depression, he recently almost had an attempt that I myself stopped)

his new bestie (f,18) is such a bad friend with her girlfriends, they personally told me, bc she always makes fun of them for male attention. and I told my friend this, and told him I was jealous bc she's so pretty and fun, but also she's a bad person and he should know it. and he said he already knew, but it is fine with him.

im devastated, bc I did everything I could to keep him by my side and cared for him all this time, and I don't understand what I lack. im so mad at him. and her. im so so soooo sad and mad. I wish I knew what he wanted me to do to be perfect for him. and now he's gone. I´ll love him all my life and he always told me he will too. but he doesn't even care a little about me. idk, im just so heartbroken.

thank you for reading <3 hope u have a wonderful day/sleep well

hiya! so basically i've known this person ,we'll call her Lauren I guess, for about three years now. we met during classes one day and we sort of just became friends, she wanted things I had (food, money, drinks etc.) and I wanted friends. so she convinced me to do all these things such as skipping classes, skipping meals, and other things of the like. she would tell me really sad things about herself (that I'm not even sure whether they're true anymore) and then i'd feel obligated to give her stuff, or comfort her. then she would get involved in my love life and things and ruin my relationships. she kept getting me to buy her stuff, and do stuff with her, then she blamed ME when we got caught. and so about four weeks ago, I skipped class and went downtown with her. and then when we went back to school, she was really distant and stuff. and then a friendly acquantance told me she'd went around talking shit about me after she got back. which pissed me off a little. so I messaged her that evening going

me: "heyy lauren! how was your day? yeah someone just told me you talked shit about me?"

her: "well one of my friends just pointed out we dont do good things together"

me: "you mean the things you reccomend?"

her: "well I reccomend we don't be friends anymore"

me: "no I mean you recommend and ask me to do all the things your friends are warning you about."

and so I blocked her and told her to fuck off. then the next day she went around and talked shit about me AGAIN.

and she started coming up to me asking me for shit. then one day i got called into the principals office and they said "do you know of any stealing from the gas station down the street?" so I was confused. and said I didn't know. then after the made me write down I had no idea anyone I knew was stealing. then Lauren said "oh yeah they have footage of me slipping a drink in your bag when you weren't looking. but I just said I was forced to do it." obviously I was very confused and a little pissed. because I wasn't aware she put the drink into my bag. and so then I heard from one of the teachers daughters that Lauren told them I forced her to do It. so I told the principal what Lauren had told me. and she got in a lot of trouble, and in even more trouble from the teacher for lying. so then she wasn't too happy about that, and gathered a group of people (her 'friends') to lie about me. but one of the people she asked to lie about me, told me what she was going to do, so I went and talked to a deputy principal. I told a few of my friends what had happened, and she said to anyone who would listen that I was a manipulative bitch, and started dead naming me, then said me "talking shit" about her was really getting to her. then she came into school the next day with a hangover. and started saying she had 30 shots because she was sad about me. then her friends started "Warning" my friends that IM the bitch who ruins everyone's lives. and then she still has the audacity to come up to me and talk to me.

(friend list follows: Katy, Amy, Barley, Harley, Ella, Will, JJ, Tasha, Mindy)

So more friendgroup stuff.

I sit at a table with Amy, JJ, Mindy, Will, Katy, and one of Mindy's friends. Tasha, Harley, and Barley all sit at their own table. I'm still technically friends with Barley, we still talk and vibe yk, but I don't talk to Tasha and Harley as much as I used to. Tasha, Amy, and Mindy are all dating eachother.

In the mornings, we have morning holding. Everyone who doesn't go to breakfast goes to the gym and we sit with our grade levels and socialize until we go to class. When I get to the gym, usually Barley's there already. (Amy, Tasha, JJ, and Mindy all go to breakfast.) Ella arrives later as does Harley. Katy enters the gym at the same time I do.

If Barley's already there, we talk yk, we vibe just like normal. But then, when Harley arrives, and I've become used to this, I become invisible. If I was sitting next to Barley, I move up and sit next to Katy, or sometimes Ella if Katy's not there that day, or I just move and sit alone if neither of them are there. Even though I'm used to disappearing, it still feels not too good.

At lunch, you know the seating arrangement. The seats aren't the same two weeks in a row usually. But Amy always, and I mean ALWAYS sits between JJ and Mindy. I sit next to Katy. Will's new-ish (he was homeschooled, then came back to actual school), so he doesn't really have a set place. I vibe with JJ, Amy, Katy, and Will. I don't talk to Mindy's friend. And I feel like Mindy hates my guts for whatever reason. She doesn't even ever glance my way during lunch, not once the whole lunch period.

JJ and Amy are OBSESSED with Genshin Impact. Once they start talking about it, everyone around it is gone in a puff of smoke. And by everyone, usually just me. They still talk with Will and Mindy, just about Genshin. Me and Katy, who don't play Genshin, are left on the outside. Yeah, we all have common interests, like K-pop and Alien Stage, but Genshin tends to take over sometimes.

Ella's pretty chill. We vibe. We have our inside jokes. "CaN i PeT tHaT dAaAwWwG??" "diD You WaSH yO AsS ToDAY??" but she sits at her lunch table with her friend group.

Harley sometimes will turn and talk to Amy. Then they'll turn back to her own table and start talking to Tasha and Barley again. (they use she/they pronouns so I'm tryna use a mix of them lol). Tasha and I don't talk. Not much, anyway.

Me, Barley, and Tasha are all in band together, but Barley's not continuing next year and Tasha is changing schools.

Sometimes, Amy and JJ forget that I exist at all. I wait for them at class change so we can walk together, but still they sometimes don't talk to me. And they usually never wait for me when I get out of class after they do. Amy waits for Mindy and that's all.

More on Mindy: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HATES ME. No idea! At all. She doesn't look at me, doesn't talk to me, doesn't associate with me.

I'm just getting very sick of my friend group. I'm done with being invisible, done with Mindy hating me for no reason, done with the people who stop talking to me when one specific friend is around. I'm done. And idk what to do because I don't want to ditch them all and be alone, because we're literally a friend group of the outcasts of our grade. But what do you do when you're an outsider in a group of outsiders?

I don’t understand it. My son is 10 years old, and to the outside world, he’s the sweetest, most polite kid ever. Teachers love him, other parents compliment me on how well-mannered he is, and whenever we go somewhere, he’s always the one saying “thank you” and “please” and acting like a perfect angel. But the second we’re alone, the second we get home and the door closes—it’s like he’s a completely different child. He snaps at me, rolls his eyes, sighs like everything I say is the most annoying thing in the world. I ask him to do something, and it’s “ugh, do I have to??” or “why can’t you do it yourself?” but if his teacher asks? Oh, he’s doing it without a problem. If his friend’s mom tells him something, he listens immediately. But me? The person who does everything for him? I get attitude. I get disrespect. And I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I try so hard to be patient, to not take it personally, but honestly? It hurts. I see the way he is with others, how easy it is for him to be kind and gentle with everyone except me, and I start questioning everything. Am I too strict? Too soft? Am I doing something that makes him resent me? I read all these articles saying “kids act out with their parents because they feel safe”, but I’m sorry, that doesn’t make it easier. Knowing that he trusts me enough to let out his emotions doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting when he rolls his eyes at me like I’m the most annoying person on earth. I know kids push boundaries with their parents, I get it. But when your own child treats strangers better than the person who loves him the most? It’s a different kind of pain. And it makes me scared, scared that one day, when he’s older, this won’t stop. That he’ll always see me as the one person he doesn’t have to be kind to.

I’ve tried talking to him about it. I’ve asked him why he acts this way, why he can be so good for everyone else but not for me. And every time, I get the same answer—"I don't know." Like, he genuinely doesn't think about it. It’s not like he’s making some big decision to treat me worse than everyone else, it just happens. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe he’s so used to me being here, being his person, the one who will love him no matter what, that he doesn’t feel like he has to be nice. But why does that make it okay? Why does unconditional love mean I have to be the emotional punching bag? I’m his mother, not his verbal stress ball.

I love my son more than anything, but some days, it’s hard not to feel unappreciated. Some days, I wish he could see how much effort I put in, how much I give to make sure he’s happy, safe, taken care of. I wish he would look at me the way he looks at his teachers, his friend’s parents, the nice lady at the grocery store. But most of all? I wish I knew that this is just a phase. That one day, he’ll realize how much I love him, how much I’ve done, and he’ll choose to be kind to me the same way he is to everyone else. Because right now? Right now, I feel like I’m giving my whole heart to someone who barely notices.

I tried looking it up online... But I still don't get it🫠. And there are different meanings or definitions📖. So, I'm hoping real humans can inform me about what the abbreviation... MIL... Means🙇🏻‍♀️✨. This was one of the categories to write on iiwiars.

I'm facing a deep, core financial issue that I can't seem to overcome, no matter how much I try. It feels as if I'm trapped in a loop of problems. It all started with losses in my crypto futures. I think my stress arises less from the fact that I had losses, and more from the guilt trip that I'm putting on myself: that I'm making myself, my family, and my boyfriend poor because of my crypto venture. I know that I should stop, but if I do, I don't know how I'll return the money to myself, my family, and my boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like I should kill myself, but I know I can't. I tried, but my boyfriend cried like hell. My mom almost had a cardiac arrest, and my sister felt horrible after that. Does this mean I have to live with this pain forever, or will I be able to see a ray of hope again and be happy?

One day online I met a boy 13 year old me didn’t think anything of it we turned into really good friends then he asked me out I said “yes” because I liked him to the older we got the more off and on we became but we never fought or argued we just wanted to experiment other people I didn’t have a problem with it because we made a promise to eachother that we will always find a way back to eachother and get married and have kids things like that he was my first everything even though I seen him many times anytime I seen him it felt like the first time i couldn’t help but get shy everytime. As time passed by we got older we didn’t talk for a couple months because he got a girlfriend I respected it so it didn’t bother me one random day I got a FaceTime call from a number I didn’t have saved or didn’t recognize it was him we didn’t speak for 6 months and suddenly he calls it was like a dream kind of we laughed and talked he wanted to meet and he told me how much he missed me how could he miss me but he was still with her it didn’t make sense I brushed it off later that day I made an excuse to get off the phone.A couple hours passed and he texted me with a paragraph saying how he messed up and he’s sorry and he thinks we should be together when we are older or just stay how we are he said that he loves me but he loves his girlfriend too I responded “if you loved her you wouldn’t be texting me” he replied and said “your right but you’ve been there through everything at my lowest you were there I’m gonna always have love for you “ I replied “im confused what’s wrong why are you acting like this “ he replied “you wouldn’t understand I’m not gonna give up on us even if you do I’m so sorry” I started to get angry because nothing was making sense I replied “what do you think I am huh I’m tired of being everyones second option I’m not doing it you love her stay with her don’t text or call me “ he replied “how could you be my second option if you were my first choice “ I replied “if you were for me there wouldn’t be any choices” he replied “you fuck it up for us not just you me too we both did everytime we got together it was right person wrong timing that’s why I’m in this situation I’m in because we couldn’t get the timing right” he typed “let’s talk on Wednesday please “ I replied “okay”

He replied “I love you “

I replied “ I love you most”

The next day he texted me “Goodmoring text me when you wake up “

I texted back that I was up

Hours went by no reply

Then I sent a text at 7:34 pm

Didn’t go through

I turned to my sister and asked if I could use her phone I typed his number in her phone and sent a text

It went through

I sent another text

“Why did you block me ?”

He read it

I hear my phone “DING DING DING”

I go to grab my phone he unblocked me and said “can you just leave me alone you said to stop texting you and to leave you alone that’s what I’m doing “

“Did you text my girlfriend ?“

“Just let me be happy stop tryna ruin my relationship “

Tears form up in my eyes I didn’t understand why I replied “I didn’t text anyone “

3 days passed a notification popped up someone requested my account I requested there’s back boom I’m accepted I click on there story ……. My stomach started to turn my eyes felt like they were on fire it was his girlfriend posted him and her but that’s not only it her 3 highlight was a picture and in the picture there was a baby his girlfriend was 6 months pregnant it all started to make sense now I didn’t know what to do it’s not like I could do anything all I did was cry and cry I had to accept another women’s baby will have the eyes of my first love the eyes that 13 year old me looked into maybe in another life He didn’t break our promise .

my boyfriend asked to give us some time and space, that he’s really stressed right now. I don’t know if that’s just gonna lead to a breakup or what that means for our relationship. He said a week but I’m still feeling anxious about it.

I'm about to choke. It's 4:20 am right now. I'm doing homework for tomorrow and some assigments i had to turn in ages ago. I'm trying to take my mind off things because i swear i'm so close to throwing up. I'm too scared to sleep. I'm so scared of what tomorrow will be like. Sometimes i wish It could be night forever. It's funny beacuse i used to find It scary. Sometimes i still do. But honestly I think i find It better to bask in the dark and not be able to see an inch from my nose, than to stay out during the day where i can perfectly see all the ways i messed up. Where i, and everybody else can see how much i failed and dissapointed myself and those around me who wanted me to be better than this. I wanted to be better than this. I still do. I'm trying to be better. More productive, more polite, more present, more responsible, smarter, nicer, Better. But i can't. I keep on failing. I keep on messing up. And i'm so tired. I'm always so tired recently. It doesn't matter what i try, or how much progress i make, i end up messing everything up. And It's exhausting. I've been this tired for ages now. Everything feels so hard, everything Is so tiring. I feel like a burden to those around me. I'm becoming everything they hoped i wouldn't. And i'm wasting all that they did for me. All because i can't pull myself together. And i don't understand. Why? Everybody else does It. Why can't i? What am i doing wrong? Why can't i be better than this? I want to be better. And i'm trying. But It all keeps going down the drain.

Can you hear me? Or am I mute? Can you see me? Or am I gone? Do you know me? Or have I changed? Can you find me? Or is it too late?

It’s too late. I can’t find myself. I have changed. I don’t know me. I am gone. I can’t see myself anymore. I am mute. I cannot scream.

GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE

There is no escape.

This has been my fate from the beginning.

I am gone.

Who am I?

Do you know?

Am I who I was?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I’m scared.

Who am I?

nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left nothing left

I don’t know you.

Do you know me?

Was I ever ok?

This body isn’t mine.

It isn’t theirs.

It isn’t ourse.

It doesn’t belong to us.

I prob look insane rn but can i argue with that i literally am lolz

so i had a best friend, shes wonderful. but her BF broke up with her. after about a month she confessed to me and like all my previous relationships, to not hurt her (and because I love her, don't take it outta context!!!!), I say yes. half of the time when my gf talks to me its like either funny memes, relationship posts, or talking about mental health or just ranting about someone we hate. i want her in my life, shes amazing. i love her so much. but, I don't really understand love as a whole. but talking to me about mental health made me think of things that happened to me in the past, and I realized I don't know what I'm doing AT ALL. most of my personality is just other people and characters from fandoms and stuff, its almost pathetic. i never had a good romantic relationship growing up, my parents got divorced this October anyway, its hard, I love my GF, but I just cant figure out which feeling love IS. can someone help me? its just so confusing. i don't know my own personality or what love is as a whole, even though I have a girlfriend. i just need some advice

I never thought I would be the kind of person to even ask myself a question like this. When I got engaged to my fiancé three years ago, I was certain. Certain that he was the right choice, that we would build a life together, that the past was just that—the past. But lately, I find myself thinking about my ex more than I want to admit. It’s not that I don’t love my fiancé. I do. He’s kind, he’s supportive, he makes me laugh even when I’m stressed out of my mind. But no matter how hard I try, there’s still this small, stubborn part of my heart that belongs to someone else. And I don't know what that says about me.

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. Like when a song we used to listen to together comes on the radio. Or when I pass a certain coffee shop where we spent hours just talking about everything and nothing. And then all the memories come flooding back—the good ones, the ones that make my chest ache in that bittersweet way. I start wondering if he ever thinks about me too, if he ever misses those stupid inside jokes we had or the way we used to plan our future like it was some big adventure. It's confusing, because I don’t want to go back to that relationship. It ended for good reasons. We fought too much, we wanted different things, and in the end we hurt each other more than we helped. Still, part of me misses what we were before it all fell apart.

I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s normal. That maybe everyone who’s been in love before feels this way sometimes. That just because you move on doesn’t mean you erase the love you had. But deep down, it makes me feel guilty. Like I’m betraying my fiancé without even doing anything. He deserves all of me, not a part of me that’s stuck looking backward. And the worst part is, he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s patient with me, he’s honest, he loves me in a way that feels safe and steady. Maybe that’s part of the problem. My relationship with my ex was never steady—it was chaotic and passionate and sometimes toxic. But it made me feel alive in a way that calm love doesn’t always manage. And I hate that part of me still craves that mess sometimes.

There are nights when I lie awake next to my fiancé and wonder if I’m making a mistake. If maybe the reason I cant let go of my ex is because some part of me believes he was “the one” and I just let him go because it got too hard. But then I remember all the pain, all the crying, all the days I felt like I was losing myself just trying to keep him. Loving him wasn’t healthy, even if it was intense. And isn't love supposed to be more than just fire? Isn’t it supposed to be peace too? I know that rationally, but my heart... my heart still hasn’t fully caught up sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just nostalgia lying to me. Making me remember only the good parts and forget all the nights I cried myself to sleep wondering why I wasn’t enough for him. Nostalgia is a liar like that, painting the past prettier than it really was. I try to remind myself of the facts, the way he would leave me hanging for days, the way he made promises he never kept. But emotions aren't logical, and memories are trickyy. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m better off now, there’s still that ache when I think of what could’ve been, what we almost had.

I haven’t talked to my ex in a long time. Part of me wants to reach out just to see if he’s okay, but I know that’s a bad idea. I know that opening that door would only bring more confusion and hurt. So I keep my distance, for my sake and for my fiancé's. He doesn’t deserve half my heart. He deserves all of it. And maybe loving someone doesn’t always mean you’re supposed to be with them. Maybe sometimes love stays even when the person doesn’t. I guess that’s the lesson I’m still learning.

So yeah, maybe it is normal to still love your ex a little. Maybe it’s just part of being human. Love doesn’t have an off switch. But the important thing is what you do with those feelings. I choose to honor my past without letting it control my future. I choose to stay, to grow, to love the man who’s standing in front of me, not the memory of the one who left. And maybe one day, that stubborn ache will fade into something softer, something that doesn't hurt so much. Until then, I’ll keep moving forward, even when my heart sometimes wants to look back.

OKKK so like I would appreciate if I got into a good post-secondary school(I’m not looking like ivys, Harvard, Stanley etc) so like what are some stuff I can do now? Like the reason I’m even thinking of these is because like my parents say I have to do sports so I can get a scholarship to yk , and like I HATE SPORTS any sort of. But I lwk care about my future so what are some stuff I can do that can get me into a good PSS like I get I may not get a scholarship if I don’t do sports but atleast something that would look good on my application. Ok so personally I’m into any creative stuff (drawing etc) but i will be open to anything EXCEPT sports.

I fucked up, and there is no polite or delicate way to phrase that, so I shall simply admit it outright: I cheated on my boyfriend, the man who has been nothing but loyal, generous, and patient with me for the past two years, the man who has shown me a stability I honestly never believed I deserved. I am twenty-five, he is thirty-two, and somehow we made it work, despite our differences in age, character, and temperament. Our life together is not some pathetic fantasy, it is real, concrete: we share mornings, dinners, moments of silence, the dull routines that, ironically, are the foundations of happiness. And yet, in one miserable night, soaked with alcohol, foolish laughter, and the kind of reckless bravado that makes people believe they are untouchable, I allowed myself to betray him. I was drunk, yes, but that excuse is thin, pathetic, barely a fig leaf for my own conscious decision to let another man touch me, kiss me, fuck me. I woke up the next day with the stench of someone else’s body clinging to mine, with a splitting headache and a gut full of disgust. Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror and seen not your face but only the lies you will soon have to tell? That was me. My first thought was not even about what I had done, but about how I could possibly pretend it had never happened, and isn’t that the most revolting detail of all? That my instinct was to hide, to bury the truth, to spit on his trust while smiling at him over morning coffee.

Now I am stuck in this vile space between confession and concealment, and neither path seems bearable. To confess would be to throw a grenade into our shared life, to obliterate all the good moments, to shatter his sense of safety, to perhaps lose the one person who has ever truly made me feel like I was worth more than the sum of my reckless impulses. But to hide it? To swallow this filth and act as though nothing occurred? That would mean rotting from within, keeping a secret that gnaws at every embrace, every kiss, every “I love you.” And which is worse? To kill something with blunt force or to poison it slowly? I keep replaying the night, trying to find some crack in the memory where I might have stopped myself, where I might have said no, but instead I only see my drunk, stupid grin and the rush of feeling desired by someone new, someone meaningless. Do you know that absurd thrill, that tiny, stupid surge of ego when a stranger wants you? That was all it took for me to throw away my dignity. And for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I gained no satisfaction, no joy, no sense of fulfillment—only guilt that drips like acid through every second I spend with him now. He looks at me with those calm, patient eyes, and I want to scream, to confess, to throw myself at his feet, yet I choke on cowardice. It is ridiculous, but even in my own shame, I feel a twisted sort of hope, as if perhaps this mistake might shock me awake, force me to grow up, to stop treating life like some chaotic experiment. Maybe the very act of ruining something reminds you how precious it actually is.

So what do I do, really? Do I unload this shitstorm into his lap, admit everything, beg for forgiveness, knowing full well he might walk out and never look back? Or do I take this filthy secret to my grave, let it burn me in private, and in return keep the life we built intact? I am not some saint, clearly, but neither do I believe I am a monster, and maybe that’s why I cling to the thought that redemption might still be possible. I cannot decide if honesty here is noble or selfish, because confessing could easily be seen as nothing more than trying to ease my own conscience while dumping the pain onto him. Hiding it could be argued as protecting him from useless suffering, yet is it not arrogant to assume I have the right to make that choice for him? Fuck, it is a twisted dilemma, one that I suspect many would simplify with “just tell him” or “just shut up,” but reality is never that neat. Life is messy, human beings are messy, and love—even the strongest, most mature love—has cracks that appear when you least expect them. Despite everything, I still believe in us, still believe that we can survive my stupidity, though I am uncertain of the method. Maybe this betrayal is not the end but the grotesque wake-up call I needed to finally stop taking him, and myself, for granted. Perhaps the future is not destroyed but simply altered, and maybe, just maybe, there is a chance to rebuild something stronger on the ruins of my failure. Or am I just lying to myself to soften the blow? Would you, in my place, confess and risk it all, or would you stay silent and fight like hell to make every future moment worth the guilt? 🤷‍♂️