Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

So yeah, I am here because my head is kind of noisy and I don’t really know where else to put this. I have a new girlfriend now, it has been like two months, which is not super long but not nothing either, you know. She is nice, really kind, and honestly way more patient than I probably deserve. But here is the thing that keeps poking me in the brain at random times, usually late at night when I should be sleeping. I still have photos of my ex on my phone. Not printed or framed or anything dramatic, just old pics sitting there in my camera roll, mixed in with screenshots and food photos and dumb memes. I don’t even look at them on purpose, but sometimes I scroll too far back and boom, there we are, smiling like everything was fine. It makes my stomach drop a little. I am not missing her exactly, I think, but I am also not fully sure. It feels rude to my current girlfriend, even though she has no idea. I keep telling myself they are just memories, like old clothes you forgot in a drawer. But then I think, is that just an excuse to avoid doing something uncomfortable?

I try to be reasonable about it, like a normal adult, but I kind of fail at that a lot. My ex and I were together for years, and deleting those photos feels like erasing a chunk of my life, even if that chunk ended badly and with a lot of awkward silence. Some of the photos are boring, like us on a couch, but others are from trips or random good days where the sun was out and we laughed for real. I know keeping them does not mean I want her back, but it also does not feel super clean either. My new girlfriend talks about honesty a lot, and I nod and agree, and then I feel a bit fake inside. I have not lied, but I have not told the full truth either. I once tried to delete the photos, like actually started selecting them, and my finger froze like I was about to touch a hot stove. I felt silly, like why is this so hard, they are just pixels. Then I stopped and went to make a sandwich instead. Very brave of me. I keep wondering if this makes me a bad boyfriend or just a human one.

I guess what I am really stuck on is whether deleting them is for her, or for me, or just to look like a good guy on paper. I do not want to hurt anyone, I really don’t, and I am trying to be polite to everyone involved, including past me. At the same time, I don’t want to drag old stuff into something new and possibly good. Sometimes I think I should delete them as a sign that I am moving forward, like closing a door gently instead of slamming it. Other times I think it is okay to keep them tucked away, not because I am holding on, but because life happened and it is okay to remember it quietly. I feel unsure most days, and I second guess myself a lot, which is kind of my brand at this point. So I am asking you, random kind reader, what would you do? Would you delete the photos out of respect, or keep them and trust yourself to not live in the past? Is there a right answer here, or am I just overthinking a very normal thing like I always do?

I have a skin picking disorder where I generally tend to pick on my lips often till they’re bloody and raw. It’s an habit I have since I can remember. It must’ve started when I was around two to three years old. I am now 17. With that it’s deeply ingrained within me and I am quite used to it. I often do it when I am bored, sitting still, stressed, need to concentrate or nervous. I have ADHD and with that it’s often also a way to stimulate myself, especially during school. I try to break the habit but it’s quite difficult with me either not noticing it when I do or the compulsion to do it being too strong.

Well now to what happened. On the weekend I was on a trip with my father. Apparently in the evening when we came back my lips looked pretty bloody and my mother asked why I picked on them so much again. I told her it’s mostly because I was bored in the car. It was because of that and I also studied, meaning I didn’t really noticed it while I was concentrating on my work. My father now told me that my mother gave him on Monday an entire speech about how it’s bad and that it was during the trip I was with him on. But generally it isn’t his fault. I know it’s mine. It’s my habit. It’s also a daily habit meaning he didn’t make me fall back into it or anything. He now asked me to try and stop but the problem is it isn’t that easy for me. I do want to but it’s difficult. I am not sure what do. I am also not sure whether I should ask my mother about why she decided to complain to my father about it when he didn’t actually have to do anything with it.

You know what is MEFCC, right? The Middle East Film Comic Con? I know. It got postponed to September 11-13. Yay. I thought I could go on April, in a new school year, finishing exams, doing my Joseph Joestar cosplay decent for a first attempt, meet people who are like me, and have fun. But there is war going on in Dubai, which is also my home. I’m in India now, for god knows how long. I thought I could go in April, but it postponed. I thought things could improve, but this process it can’t. I don’t know why I’ve been so hopeful back then. What was the point? What is the point of trying to have fun here in India? It’s like cheering when you failed. I’ll still be friendless, I’ll still score low, I’ll never be able to control my home or myself. That’s why it sucks. I can’t ever control anything. My home could blow up and I could end up alone here. Iran could nuke UAE, Saudi and Qatar to prove that they destroyed the world, and the USA isn’t doing anything to stop this from getting worse, only worsening. It’s all timed right after my birthday. I shall never celebrate again, if this is all that’s been happening, getting worse as I age. I’m not gonna go because of this. It’s a cheers to something hopeless. I’ve lost everything before I even got to live newly. My exams got cancelled, which is fine, but what was that effort for? It never mattered. I never did. I knew I was a waste of space.

I was a waste of space, oxygen, life and money. No wonder I’ve got no friends. I didn’t actually matter. Every time I think I’m good, I go back to zero. This isn’t even zero, this is minus. I hurt everything by being myself. I shouldn’t have even asked this. I wouldn’t have been this hurt. Every time I go back to being worthless. Because I am worthless, I always was. My life so far has always been me failing right when I think I’ve gotten better. I should just stop and wish I never was this way. Wish I was normal. I should’ve been thrown away right when I was born. I was born bad. I was born lame. I was born with a cleft palate, which was fixed early, but I should’ve not been so invested so early. I wish I wasn’t exciting, even at home. That way it wouldn’t hurt as much.

My home is destroyed. UAE is destroyed. I spoke to my mom and brother. Mom messaged that she’s happy for me that it’s at least postponed (she guessed it by the way), the world’s problems aren’t mine to solve and I’m not a peace activist, no one expects me to fix the world, I can learn to control my feelings, she thought it was dumb of me to assume that Trump would specifically blow up our home, we’re not at complete war, and that Iran isn’t dumb enough to hit the richer countries with oil because the whole world’s economy would collapse, and I should have fun in India because relatives are here. My younger brother said that Iran won’t hit UAE in oil ports or citizens because “they’re friends” due to the oil and only attacked the US bases, but that I should keep trying, because he said what if I war never back to 0, but still at 50, like I usually was, just shaking? Doesn’t change the fact I’m behind others, they’re at 80 while I was at 50, now minus. I’m still at minus. I’m still worthless. I still have no chances anymore, and that I’m worthless in India. I only matter to my relatives and my main family, and even then, I’m even more of a nobody here.

I don’t know if it’ll get better. Maybe I’ll be here as my new home. Everything may be reducing here, but it won’t be the same. Lesser people will be in UAE because it’s not the safest country. They’ll think it’s dangerous now, because it’s in Middle East. All western movies say that, and they’re right. There’s no point anyways. My parents are delusional for saying we’re here for 3 weeks. We’ll be here for 3-9 months! How do I know? World war 3 is already happening. And I can stop this off I figure or some way to just not be me or change myself in the new school here or die from the world exploding from nukes!

Look what being me did. It hurt me more than help. It’s not good to have weird interests, or value friendships so much, or dress up, or have your family as your friend, or having eczema, or having braces, or having short hair as a girl even when you only cut it to reduce rash in your scalp to only one small location, even when you’re short. I’m stupid. That’s why I have no friends, I scored badly at school for a few exams, and worst of all, my family is my only friendship. At 14, I should be having more outside friends and I don’t know, hate family, and have fun and not value them too much. Or if I do have a group who only likes me if I act a certain way, I hate that I can’t change into them so fast. Why can’t I change myself to be them?

I’ve lost all chances. I always turn down people whenever they talk badly about some friends of theirs being their backs, or when they ignore me even if I tried I try to make myself happy, it’s a bad habit. I’m too goody-two-shoes, I need to revel in some way to be a teenager. I’m 14, I should’ve done something rebellious earlier! Now with the war, which all my relatives here are saying, it’s worse. Even with people here, they were only interested at first because I came from Dubai, otherwise they’d ignore me. That’s okay, I don’t like me either. I really need to stop celebrating birthdays. It’s always bad luck, this war happened right after. It means growing up is realizing you’re not great to anyone. Why haven’t I died in the womb? I made my mom fat and had her be my friend. It sucks. That cleft palate shouldn’t have been my only flaw, I should’ve had something else. I make things worse. For me and for my family. Why do I even have good relations with family only? It’s every kid’s nightmare. Right? Plus, what normal kid’s home could get bombed?

Now all I have are a bunch of drawing books, craft supplies and markers. I can draw but how can that fix anything? I even have my earphones and music stuff, but again, can’t fix anything. It’s like toasting when the world is exploding. Pointless. So, yeah, how’s drawing and listening to music gonna help? I’m just drawing, with colors, that’s weird right when my home could blow up with a nuke. It’s not like my cool music taste is gonna fix everything. Mangalore is cool, but it’s not home.

I’m not even as good as I used to be. I try drawing differently, and it’s inconsistent. Earlier it used to be consistent, but now with me trying a new style. It’s not even as good as Araki’s, which I’m a fan of JJBA now. Yeah, one of the more niche Shonen ones out there. Not as new as JJK or Demon Slayer. His style is so immaculate and cool, and mine is a mimicry of that, a pathetic one. It still looks like mine, except I changed the face and some stuff, but even then, the lines and proportions are somewhat inconsistent. It sucks. I never improved. I only went backwards. I shouldn’t even draw. I don’t even know why I like some of them.

I had this friend of mine, she was my first friend, we were together all the way from when we were in diapers till high school ended and then after she went abroad for university we drifted apart. Our relationship always felt toxic to me because I always felt like she didn’t place much importance to me, she would tell me that she won’t be able to talk to me before exams but would speak with everyone else, she would not tell me crucial stuffs like when would she leave or where she got admitted but everyone else would know ( I did ask her btw but I didn’t get any answer ). Weirdest thing is after she came back last time she looked for me she was probably confused why I was ignoring her as my other friends told me she asked questions about me to them.

Weirder is that I feel extremely guilty, I feel like what if we could go back to how it was before even though I know it probably won’t be good for me or her. So even though I’m scared out of my mind I am praying hoping that she atleast strikes up a conversation with me for once, she asks me about it, she questions me about what happened.

My other close friends and my family also know and they also say that our relationship wasn’t okay, it was not healthy but I don’t know why I am being like this.

I’m just sitting here, scrolling through photos of my husband, and honestly, it can get pretty lonely sometimes. Like, don’t get me wrong, I’m super proud of him; he’s out there serving and doing what he loves, but when I think about how my day-to-day looks compared to his, it feels like we’re living in separate worlds. I’m 27, and I just live in this small town, working my job, going to the gym, and hanging out with friends on weekends, but I always come home to an empty house. I mean, I’ve got my dog, and he’s a great buddy, but it's just not the same, you know? Plus, I miss all those little things we used to do together, like cooking dinner or binge-watching our favorite shows. Now, most nights, I just end up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, scrolling through Netflix, saying, “Wow, this would’ve been fun with him." 😔

I think one of the hardest parts is when I see everyone else enjoying their relationships. I mean, my friends will post those cute couple pics, and I’m really happy for them, but it hits different when you’re in a relationship but still feel alone. Every now and then, I catch myself staring at his empty side of the bed and wishing things were different. Just last week, I had a pretty rough day at work—I was all stressed out, and all I wanted was to talk to him. I picked up my phone, but then it hit me again that it was just going to be a short voice message. I mean, I’d pour my heart out, and he wouldn’t hear it until who knows when; it’s tough feeling so far away. But I try to focus on the good things, like keeping a journal where I write letters to him. It feels therapeutic, and maybe one day he’ll read them and just realize how much I miss him, you know?

For me, being a military spouse is a mixed bag; there are days when the loneliness just kind of creeps in, but I also find ways to stay connected. I set reminders for us to FaceTime at least once a week, and those little chats really make it worth it. I’ve started finding little hobbies too, like painting, which helps me work through feelings and express myself. It’s like a little escape right at home when I can’t be with him. Maybe you’ve found yourself feeling lonely in your relationship too? I hope to hold onto that hope that this phase will get better and that one day, we’ll have more time together. It’s all about the little moments we create, even from miles away; I just need to hang in there and keep looking forward to when we’ll finally be together again.

if i was your daughter, what would you say so that she doesn't keep on thinking of self-harming more than she has so far and give up on life? i'm starving for someone's love and it doesn't matter if i sound overly desperate anymore. pls?

good evening to everyone reading this. i've been taking steps towards improving my mental health, something i came to realize was crucial for my well-being. like many others, i embarked on the self-care journey with enthusiasm but quickly found myself overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of advice and activities available online. from journaling and meditation to yoga and aromatherapy, it seemed the list was endless; each new addition only added another layer of pressure rather than peace.

last week, however, brought a refreshing change of perspective. attending a self-care workshop that was nothing short of enlightening introduced me to concepts I hadn't considered before. it wasn't about performing every ritual out there but about understanding what truly resonated with you as an individual. personalization is key, they explained: what brings one person relaxation might not have the same calming effect on someone else.

the facilitators stressed the importance of mindfulness...not just in practice but in choosing the right practices for oneself. they advocated for trying different activities but emphasized letting go if something doesn't feel supportive or nurturing. in their view, true self-care extends beyond rigid routines; it's about fostering a compassionate relationship with oneself that evolves over time.

after this workshop, i spent some time reflecting on how these new insights might weave into my daily life seamlessly. instead of boxing myself into a corner with a strict regime, i'm focusing on building rituals that are flexible yet purposeful. waking up early for meditation when possible or indulging in a creative hobby without guilt if that's what feels right at that moment has become more appealing.

this shift towards tailored self-care fills me with optimism!! 🌟 by easing expectations i've imposed upon myself, i feel better equipped to maintain mental health routines that support my overall well-being sustainably.

so here I am, stuck in the endless loop of wondering how much is too much when it comes to being a momma's boy. my boyfriend's devotion to his mom is starting to feel like it's crossing some boundaries. he calls her, like, three times a day just to chat about mundane stuff. it's sweet that he's close to her, but it can be overwhelming when we're trying to spend quality time together and she's always there... virtually anyway.

it's not just me feeling this way either, but it seems everyone else around us says I'm overreacting. am I missing something? maybe this is just normal behavior I've never experienced before? 🤷‍♀️ there's one thing that stands out though: whenever there's an issue or decision, his first instinct is to ask for his mom's opinion rather than discussing it with me first. that's where I start doubting things. shouldn't we be making decisions together as a couple?

there was this one time when we were planning our first vacation together (I was so excited!), and he ended up canceling our plans because his mom suggested we go somewhere she liked better instead. why does her opinion override ours? sure, compromise is key in any relationship but should it involve someone outside the relationship all the time?

sometimes I wonder if I'm being unreasonable or if cultural differences play a role here. like maybe some families are naturally more interconnected than others? can't help but think about how long-term commitment will look with this dynamic in play 😅

All my friends, so far away now. I'd love to make some here, in Toronto. I'm always my best with others, being alone is just too much. Gahhh

Artificial intelligence has its issues with me, but it's not like that between my friend and me. Everything reminds me of her; everything always involves her. Personally, I don't want anything more to do with my boss. Everything revolves around him feeling at ease, and I don't want to help anyone feel at ease, to calm them down, under any circumstances. That goes against my principles, and they didn't seem to understand that group. For this group, the boss's peace of mind is what matters, so he can move around freely and we can feel safe—that's their way of thinking. He's the reason we're okay, and without him, we're in trouble. And believe me, I'm independent and I take risks. The world is meant to be lived, and that's something she possesses, allowing me to experience it the way I want, in my own way, and allowing me to be with her the way I want. In fact, she trusts that I won't conform to others, so there will always be a space just for her. Something she herself does with me. I don't feel the need to protect my privacy with her; rather, I feel completely inspired to talk about my life no matter what. She's the best, unlike my boss, who doesn't understand that, because he believes everyone should be better off, and the only way to achieve that is by pushing the most capable to the top, which is precisely what causes his stumbles and leaves others behind, all because it's supposedly for the best of the group. What a failure of an individual.

I won't deny that I'd like to write her name in these lines, but I don't want to because I feel I want to get to what that name represents for me, and it's exciting to say it. Thanks to her, I was able to interact with those people who frightened me, precisely because of how beautiful they were, and therefore imposing in their environment, but with her, I learned to navigate life beyond that effect of beauty, at least the traditional kind. Initially, because I established the following: I am the owner, a notion that seemed somewhat strange to them, given that beauty made people change towards them, unlike others. Someone dared to stand up to them, and by doing so, they understood that I was, in some way, part of their group. Furthermore, there was someone who faced their tests head-on, who confronted them. While a test consists of seeing if something happens, and that happens is based on something concrete, then the test expresses a defined world, the outside world, and not being part of that outside world creates the feeling of being inside. Well, I won't be part of the group professionally, but I recognize them, and that certainly leaves a place there.

In addition, my spirit is the opposite of what my boss was like, that paternal figure who does whatever he pleases and revels in the way women treat each other when he's not in control. My temperament is the complete opposite, and that's why my boss favored me, both in terms of his affection and his influence. Of course, I didn't agree with him, and it was beyond his control. He was always wary of me, to the point of interfering in my life. In fact, he did this with everyone under his supervision. It was his way of ensuring he got ahead without problems, but these are a part of life, and even though he dealt with them, he did so hastily, trying to prevent anything from happening. In fact, he did this with everything, but it led to a completely unstable life, and of course, people would try to get out of it by any means necessary. And of course, he was a manipulator, using whatever he saw as a way to gain control. The word "dominance" is definitely not part of my character, and that's what this young woman observed. This led me to always try, in every context, to be a guide regarding communication, my work situation, and even how I treated her. Of course, this meant defining our place in the company and making her, naturally, need to act on our behalf through a restrained but fair tone, allowing for openness—something she doesn't do with others, not even if her own mother asks her to. The other girls in her group don't see any harm in this; quite the opposite. They see that she has gained a close friend, something that didn't happen before, and someone who appreciates them for more than just their looks. In essence, it's a welcome respite for the group from the vicissitudes of their environment. It's not pleasant to be feared and therefore restricted in one's actions, as this can be seen as an invitation to abuse, demonstrating that they choose manipulation to benefit from their beauty.

My boss was determined to dismantle that group, as it was defiant of his principles. They weren't willing to submit to him. In essence, my boss seeks control over everything, by any means necessary, to avoid any obstacles. He wants everything to be easy for him, but this tendency leads him to excesses, and then, feeling comfortable, people start to fight back.

We all feel comfortable, and under the assumption that there are rules, they aren't allowed to be, but the idea was to involve everything: the bureaucratic aspects and life outside of them, the social aspects. In this sense, the authorities were reluctant to speak publicly, because they must defend to the employees the principle that they operate based on their freedom to socialize while also being able to do their jobs—a vital balance for any company, since situations can arise in both areas that could be detrimental to everyone, and the issue is public, not confined to just one group within the company. However, my boss doesn't operate from that perspective, unlike many others there. Everyone operates from their own limited perspective instead of acting within the constraints of their position and status, in a way that fosters empathy regarding how the company operates. This attitude is evident at parties, where people socialize to share comments, but never discuss the internal matters of each group. At work, however, there is restriction. In this sense, parties allow for the silencing of internal situations, preventing them from being exposed. Company parties function as a veil, concealing details of each group's inner workings and, at the same time, provoking those who might be interested, thus allowing them to be denounced, for goodness' sake.

Well, I discover many interesting things as life throws curveballs at me regarding the girl, since I always occupy a space where she's not present, generally speaking, although curiously, I'm always looking for her. Of course, this allows me to express that I'm not enjoying myself without her, which in turn makes my being with her evident to the group, because otherwise it would be a cover-up, not facing the public. The world of human relationships is a very interesting thing to me, especially when it involves the absolute destruction of the ideal of what a company should be, not under a rigid compliance scheme, but one where it needs its space to thrive, in terms of respecting the bureaucratic system. I don't know personally if there's anyone in the office who wants me to know this. Well, they act it out, but that doesn't make them aware of it. It's impressive to see how easily they're swept along by the current; they're like puppets, protecting themselves from conflict, from being marginalized. That's the main reason, I think, for this eagerness to go with the flow, and they've all mobilized to be part of it. To that extent, people are manipulated to achieve mobilizations, as long as they can justify it to others outside the group to guarantee stability within those other groups.

The spirit of individuality isn't established, and these people fill me with immense fear. I can't show myself as an individualist, as I've always been; it would be dangerous. And she can't show herself as someone who likes to socialize, not at all. We're not allowed either because it implies suspicion. Being together solves that problem, and that's why we enjoy this. This is true in every environment, based on how our family members define us.

This might sound a bit silly but really, I kinda need help combating with these weird thoughts

I’ve vented here before, and I really appreciated the support and perspectives others shared. But there’s something I brushed off before, as that was not the central topic of the previous vent and it wasn’t a big enough problem, until it started eating me today, and it’s become hard to ignore

I want to draw more than anything in the whole world. I’ve been drawing for 8 years, starting from the simple concept of a cube to a whole world of anthro animals/inanimates, silly creatures, all fantasy related, even evolving my old characters. From wolf-folk to living game controllers, it’s like a modern fantasy world, just like drawing was to me! Unfortunately, I couldn’t find myself drawing after having a lot of hardships, but after all the support I received recently, and even regaining access to Discord, I might give it a shot again, hell I would LOVE to try it again, but there’s something deeper blocking me: my envy…

Ever since 2020, I’ve started looking up to niche artists online—ones who draw stylized, humanoid non-human characters (anthros and such) with this barely-explainable aesthetic (Five-fingers, making it premium. They’re like exactly human characters but with the most notable parts of the item/animal, but there’s no valid name for it I could find, and it’s not furry and I ain’t one.) By the start of 2023, however, I noticed something weird about each new artist I became obsessed with, almost like a pattern but on different communities and social medias, and it’s not exactly what I asked each artist I admired to have and stuff that almost seemed to either taunt me or I just don’t know that it is an aesthetic that exists. Poetic blood in art, cigar(ettes), dangling shoes, the same obsessions in the same indie games, same online communities, same aesthetic. They even behaved in two ways: Overly cutesy and giddy, or kinda assholish and deadpan. The latest artist I started admiring checked all the boxes in a week, then today they revealed that not only are they obsessed with the same game, but also with the character that one of my favorite “niche” online artists designed. It almost feels like it’s not a coincidence coincidence and not inspiration or a neat fact. It suffocates me.

I tried emulating these kinds of artists for a long time, still having a subpar art style that tries to emulate the magic of those artists, but it always fails in several aspects, including the pose I want to strike. I am not motivated to draw, despite how much my heart tells me to. I’ve tried filling every similarity box while also bringing slight nerdism on technology and being nice to others. Why am I not having a proper consistent niche then? I’ve been forced to restart TWICE, not getting any better and always ending in failure. I want to be friends with those artists too, but I can’t get into their indie interests, let alone even talk to them normally just to be friends. I have met a few, and the closest to a friend would be one artist I commissioned twice. They offered me a Toyhouse code, but I just don’t know how to go about being publicly online. What if I screw up as bad as previously? It makes me so anxious. I want to have my own niche fandom, and I want to be nice to others, but others treat me like shit and attempt to drive me off the internet by spreading rumors about me and even grooming me.

Now, I have questions for you guys.

1. What would you do if you were me?

2. Have you guys ever felt the same weird connection between people you admire? If so:

a. Do you think it’s weird?

b. Do you feel more jealousy than admiration?

He should change his name , give me clues and also give me specific clues so I will know it is him hahahaha

I have a 1 yr old bunny who I give medicine to every day, I was venting to my friend in school about how scared I was. There was another girl with us who was laughing and she said ”oh sorry I was thinking about something” I call bs, she’s a rude person and overall disrespectful and disruptive. While I was mid sentence she cut me off to say something funny she saw on TikTok. Later I had a lesson and my friend skipped the lesson to go outside and the other girl, let’s call her Mary. Mary told my friend ”that girl [my name] talks SO much” while she’s screaming in school and being a pain for everyone. I was just trying to talk about my SICK bunny but no I’m not allowed to speak apparently. How disgustingly disrespectful can you be girl??

I’m 14 and I didn’t really have a good past because of my mother, and the past couple months now I have noticed a lot of changes about myself mentally. If I’m out of the house for too long like at stores or restaurants, I’ll just panic and I don’t understand why, It becomes hard to talk and usually I’ll just say “home”. Last year me and my family went to a huge festival, I panicked and we had to sit down for a while, I would stop panicking but it would start up again randomly and I just couldn’t control it. My grandma and grandpa took me to the car and I calmed down while my dad and my sister were still out for about 15 minutes before we left. They kept bringing it up and said it was an “inconvenience”. Often times if I feel a texture I don’t like, it feels weird like I have to shake it off my hands or I just sit there with my hands out and go like “ah” or “eugh”, my grandma as recognized it and will give me a napkin for my hands or just move us away from where the material was. Sometimes I get in this headspace where I feel like mentally around the ages of 6-10. I never really got to have a childhood, my dad said it was good before him and my mom got divorced but I don’t remember it and I only remember the bad stuff. I want to know what’s wrong with me but when I asked my therapist she said it was just a phase but I cried to her about it months ago (she is no longer my therapist for other reasons). I feel like I’m this way because I was forced to grow up too fast, I mean I was taking care of a baby (my little sister) when I was 5. My mom was selling my toys and Christmas presents for drugs.

When I get really interested in something like a video game, I talk very passionately about it and sometimes I get a little loud when I talk but I don’t notice it. My dad always gets mad at me and I try to stay quieter. I almost always tell my grandma about all my interests and crafts because she is the only one who actually listens. Today I went to talk to her about the craft I wanted to do for my Halloween costume this year. I was in debate between doing a barn owl or a deer kinda cosplay. I was in the middle of saying how I thought the deer one would be harder and how I really wanted to do the owl, but she didn’t let me talk and just kept saying “the owl sounds too hard, you should do the deer”. I kept asking her to let me explain and she was like “well the owl just seems too hard for you”. At that point I just went back upstairs to my room and cried. My dad doesn’t let me tell him about my interests because I talk too much and he wants the short story,now he doesn’t want to hear it at all. My little sister is spoiled rotten by my dad and just doesn’t let me talk, then she gets mad at me when I get mad at her because she keeps interrupting me.

I just want to know what’s wrong with me

Do I want him, or do I simply just yearn for the feeling of being loved by somebody? Am I simply just bored, suddenly craving the attention of someone else while still having the full attention of him? I am a horrible person. I am undeserving of being loved; I do not have the capacity to be loved for anything but my measly little body. My frail feelings have me running in circles, eager to figure out... what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I am undeserving of love. I see why nobody ever wishes to have me.

I'm struggling so much I have a boyfriend. A boyfriend of 1.5 years, and I have no idea at all if I still have romantic feelings for him. I always want the best for him, and I truly do want to see him succeed in life, but I just don't know if I love him anymore in that way. I've begged for months on end just for him to listen. to understand how I feel. He doesn't get it. He only wants to change when I'm beginning to slip from his grasp, and it's the worst feeling in the world. Only now that I'm starting to lose my care factor, he wants to fix the issue I've had for a YEAR. It feels so horrible. To add to that, my guy best friend is being really weird .. like oddly affectionate. It has me feeling ... confused? causing my struggle to worsen, even? And not only that, but he has been borderline encouraging me to leave my boyfriend.

I'm so confused .. lost, even. I don't know what to do with myself. It doesn't help I'm struggling with severe depression (5 years, ongoing).