Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I honestly have no idea how I ended up here but I genuinely feel so alone and I have absolutely no one to listen and Im curious if anyone else feels this way or have some tips

I'm soon 18 (female)

I've noticed that I don't actually have any friends at all and I can't seem to be able to make any.

I restarted highschool again due to me failing my first year of highschool and took a year off to try to get my mental health a little better and I feel so embarrassed that I can't make a single friend at school

I understand that it's very difficult to get to know me because I'm extremely quiet and I'm too anxious to start a chat with anyone unless they speak to me first. I kind of feel like maybe it's just because of me being a girl or because I have Asperger

(im going construction because I aim to become a Plumber)

I thought I was fine till it really started to bother me a lot. Ive lost a lot for friends lately and the two connections I have left that ive known for 5+ years and been close to we have fallen out over the last year due to my mental health yet ive always tried to keep in contact.

but the thing that bothers me the most is that I always do my best to be a good friend to the ones I hold close

Ive showed up for them in their ups and downs and been there for them every single time they had it hard and I've been more genuine and caring to them then most of their friends and I've been there for almost all off their struggles and given them all the energy I've ever had yet it's still never enough and I'm always left alone no matter how much I try to be a good friend for others nobody ever gives me the same effort back or can even be bothered to ask me for once how I'm doing or texting me first for once

And what hurts me the most is that they would replace me with people who don't care about them as much and don't know them as well and won't show up for them at all yet they run to me and talk about their drama and problems

I feel like a filler friend untill their favourite comes around and I'm thrown away like garbage like I didn't mean anything to them on the first place

am I doomed to always give and never get anything back ?

Im so confused on what to do and I feel so alone in everything

I do my best to be the best version of myself for the ones I care about yet no one can ever even be bothered with ever giving me a small amount of effort back . I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong and I feel so selfish for just wanting friends who actually want to be there for me just the way I do for them

I've tried so hard to make new friends but it's like nobody wants to give me a shot at all I know I feel like I can be a great friend but why won't people accept me ? they always say I'm to nice or to sweet

(I'm not painting myself out to be a great person

I'm going off what others say about me)

i just dont understand what I'm doing so wrong

Am I in the wrong for feeling the way i do ?

In my line of work within a specific branch of government, we have a close-knit community. Among my colleagues is someone I'll refer to as Sara, who recently put me in a rather precarious situation. Sara and I have always had a decent working relationship, strictly professional, and she's known for her integrity.

Sara came to me with a request to help her secure a personal loan of $25,000. Her objective is to purchase a space to set up a store in her hometown, aiming to boost her husband’s financial stability.

Personally, I’ve managed to stay debt-free and cautious about any financial engagements. Trusting Sara wasn’t the issue, but the magnitude of the loan and its implications made me anxious. I expressed my reservations, telling her, “I understand this is crucial for you, but I’m not comfortable with the risk associated with cosigning such a substantial sum. It’s a serious financial commitment, and I’m not ready to undertake that risk.”

This response led Sara to become visibly upset and emotional. She retorted, “You don’t trust me? This store is our chance to secure our financial future! The bank won’t consider my husband because he doesn’t have a job right now. I really thought you could help me.”

Although I felt awful for declining, my stance was firm based on my own financial principles—something influenced by my admiration for financial guru, Dave Ramsey, and his skepticism towards debt.

Now, the atmosphere between Sara and me has grown tense, and she's scarcely conversing with me. The guilt for not aiding her does linger, yet I remain convinced that prioritizing my financial health was the right choice.

Was I wrong to refuse to cosign her loan?

Imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show. The cameras capturing every detail, the audience likely split in their sympathies. The pressures of public opinion could potentially sway my decision or make the fallout from my refusal even more dramatic. How would the audience react, watching these personal and financial dilemmas unfold in real time? Would they champion my cautious approach, or condemn it as unsympathetic?

Greetings everyone,

I’m a 31-year-old male, and my wife, who is 30, recently settled into the idea of starting our own family after securing stable jobs and purchasing our first home together. As part of this new chapter, I suggested my wife should get her driving license, which she previously did not need while living in Boston. To support her, I provided an old car for practice and arranged lessons with a certified driving instructor. She successfully passed her driving test!

Although she was quite content with the car I first gave her, I wanted to surprise her with something special. Until then, I had been driving a 2011 Civic, and neither of us had ever owned a brand new car. Drawing from some savings, I decided to buy her a shiny new Mercedes A220, which she absolutely adored.

Now, this is where the main event unfolds.

Approximately a month after the Mercedes arrived, my old Civic unexpectedly broke down. The mechanic informed me it suffered from multiple issues, primarily electrical wiring faults that affected the engine power. My wife generously offered her Mercedes for me to use for work while we figured out what to do with the Civic.

Upon arriving at work, a colleague of mine (let's call him Chad), noticed the shiny Mercedes and approached me for a chat. He inquired about its price and where my usual Honda was. Just as I began to explain the situation with my Civic, he abruptly interrupted and asked if he could take the Mercedes for a spin. I politely declined, explaining that it was my wife’s car and I wanted to keep it in perfect condition for her. Chad seemed annoyed by this and briskly walked off.

As I continued towards the office, I sensed a few unusual stares from other colleagues. Later, while settling into my desk, a close work friend leaned over and mentioned that Chad had spread the word that I had become a snob with the new car, and even called me an asshole for not letting him drive it.

I’m puzzled about what I could have done differently. Was declining his request really that unreasonable? Any insight would be helpful.

If this were a scenario on a reality TV show, I wonder if the reaction would have been amplified for dramatic effect. Perhaps the cameras would have focused on Chad's reaction and the gossip throughout the office, turning a simple misunderstanding into a major plot twist. How do you think the audience would have reacted to this situation?

My personal love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch.

Yes, a person can have more than one love language. And technically, according to the 5 Love Languages... Food isn't one of them😂!

Food most likely is part of all of them other than words of affirmation... Unless one uses foods to describe their romantic partner🤔. Or uses food to convince their romantic partner via analogies in conversation🧐.

Most people I've meet are hard to interact with in terms of the words of affirmation😭. I've seen and heard a lot of the rest of the Love Languages being preferred. But society has a tendency to focus on actions more than words. But I personally feel very loved if someone actually talks to me. Both in-person and texting and calling. I don't need to take up their whole day, but I'd like to talk with someone... Anyone... Who doesn't feel overwhelmed by my talking style or texting style 😮‍💨. I genuinely don't think there's anyone out there who'd remember, comment, and enjoy reading 2 pages of texts🫠. But I enjoy words... I really enjoyed hearing ones poetic self. Even if it's not profound... If it's original and coming from the heart that's all that really matters to me. Plus honesty of course... Cause someone can create and original and one from the heart, but sometimes the heart isn't always in-tune with the mind. That may sound confusing... And it's around 1AM. So, I'm a bit tired. So ignore any parts that you don't understand... Cause I starting to not even understand what I'm saying either🥴.

By the way, where are the bestest places to make online friends or find online dating🫠. That's safe and valid😑. Cause I technically, at the moment, can't leave the house due to social anxiety... And other reasons... But I'd still like to make friends. Even if it's not romantic partners🙃.

I'll try to keep this short... No promises...

I'll start out by saying... My family live so far under the poverty line, we have to skip out on food if we want clothes, and skip out on both if we want anything remotely 'decently priced' for the 'normalized' household as of where I live. It's a miracle we even have a home phone at this rate.

Anyways... About a month ago, when my family finally thought everything was finally looking good (not terribly shit, but not very good. Just good for our standards...), my mom got deathly sick. We were calling an ambulance every night for a week, and they wouldn't let us stay for the night. Not even just my mom. During one of her stays, she was pumped with SO MUCH FUCKING MORPHINE, IT WAS LITERALLY ABOVE OVERDOSE LEVELS. It didn't do a fucking thing for her pain. It was only the fifth stay that they finally even uttered the thought of going for a scan after a literal decade of my mother trying to explain to the doctors that she needs a scan done (she's the daughter of a missionary [not involved with the military] nurse [who didn't do anything for her sicknesses, but would for everyone else]).

When the scan came in, turns out her lower back is broken and pinching nerves on her left. The cartilage has been worn and torn down over years of abuse and wear.

Even though I had a cold at the time, and having just cut my hand open with a wood carving knife in class, I walked halfway across town (hour walk) to get her meds that may or may not work.

Thankfully, they do work, but unfortunately, only a little bit. After another couple days of suffering, screaming, and crying in pain at home, we call another ambulance, and the pharmacist, explaining the situation.

We get her stronger meds (enough to make the pharmacist give us overdose kits) and they kind of work finally.

Can you guess what else is happening with all of this? A friend of hers has been hitting on her the whole time, before and after. My mother has a fiance, and he knows it.

I cannot explain how much I hate this friend of hers. He helps out a little bit, but other than that, all I hear is constant sexual jokes or comments, and I can't handle it anymore. Every guy friend anyone has had in this family, always gets a crush on one of us, or is horny. And God forbid we get any female friends. It's basically impossible.

Might I add... This same 'horny' male friend of my mom... Even commented about me. I'm still a minor. This man is in his fifties. I cannot express how much I want to stop my mom every time he sends her a text to hangout, or calls to hangout.

So... Practically dying mom, stressed out brother whose trying to find a job/ join the army with much difficulty, and a fifty year old man hitting on my mom, and sometimes commenting about me, making me just want to puke. Sounds lovely. I can't even express this though. My mom is already dealing with all the mental problems that comes with being abused since childhood, and now her broken back. I can't talk to my brother because he's not exactly strong mentally, and I don't mean to make him sound bad, but he's not the best with the kind of comfort I need. No therapists have worked, and now all I can do is sit quietly with a happy little smile while I watch life crumble before me. No meds work, no comfort food works, no comfort drinks work, no comfort activities work. And the things that do work? We can't afford them.

I just want to cry, to scream, to punch something. But I literally just can't. I don't do well with pain, I hate screaming because then someone will hear me, and crying just doesn't make anything better. It only makes it worse in my case. Trust me, I've already tried crying.

It's been about a month of all of this, and a certain someone who we helped out not too long ago (a homeless woman) has come back to say hi. The only problem... She went against every rule we had, took whatever she wanted really, even my own meds that keep me from getting sick and having a seizure. She did crack on the front porch, was basically a whore when she went elsewhere, and now that she's back... She leaves all her shit in front of our windows.

Might I add in... We live in a God damn apartment building. She was warned multiple times, and we have kicked others out for doing this same shit even after being told and given chances.

And let me tell you... This isn't even the tip of the iceberg in my life... I just needed to get this one out. I'm finally getting pushed over the edge here.

After years of diligent saving since I was 16, I recently achieved a personal milestone—I purchased my first car. It is a used model but incredibly dependable, representing a symbol of my independence which I cherish deeply. The car is essential; I use it daily to commute to my job and university, making my routine significantly easier to manage.

However, a recent incident has upset the balance in my household. My brother, Liam, caused an accident some weeks back by speeding, which led not only to him wrecking his own vehicle but also being left without any means of transport since the incident. Thankfully, he was unharmed. The problem arose when my parents demanded that I lend my newly acquired car to Liam “temporarily,” until he manages to get back on his feet financially and fix his car. Seeing as Liam’s job involves substantial driving, and I typically only travel within our local area, my parents argue this arrangement would be the most logical.

Despite understanding their point, I refused. The effort I put into acquiring my car was monumental, and it serves more than just a means of transportation—it’s my lifeline to both professional responsibilities and personal freedom, significantly impacting my overall well-being. This refusal, however, has not sat well with my family. My parents accused me of being selfish and inconsiderate, stressing the importance of supporting family. Liam hasn’t engaged much in conversation with me since, choosing instead to express his frustration through subtle coldness.

Amidst the turmoil, my parents have continued to escalate the situation, labeling me as immature and not a “team player.” There have even been threats to withdraw their financial support for certain necessities like my car insurance. This has left me torn—I understand my brother’s predicament, but I also feel it’s unjust to be coerced into surrendering something I’ve worked so hard for and need, especially considering the circumstances of how he ended up in this situation.

Considering how entrenched my parents are in their views, I’ve wondered how my stance would be perceived in a more public arena. If this drama were unfolding on a reality show, the audience could likely be divided. Some might sympathize with my need for independence and the efforts I've put into achieving it, while others could critique me for not prioritizing familial obligations over personal assets. Would the court of public opinion deem me unreasonable, or would they applaud my resilience in standing up for my principles?

Am I being unreasonable for not allowing my brother to use my car, given that our parents are so upset? Should I relinquish my car for family peace, or continue to defend my position firmly?

growing up in a nudist family is like... i dont even know how to explain it without soundin weird. like, for my parents and my brother, its just normal. no big deal. they always told me stuff like "our bodies are natural" and "there’s nothin to be ashamed of" and all that. and when i was little, i guess it didnt feel weird. like, when ur a little kid, u dont really think about that stuff, u just do what your parents say is normal. we went to nudist beaches, nudist camps, even some nudist events and i never really questioned it. but now that im a teenager, like 16, it feels totally different. i hate it. not hate like i think my family is bad or anything, but hate like... i dont feel comfortable anymore. at all. and they just dont get it. every time i try to say somethin they act like im the weird one. like im bein brainwashed by "society" or whatever. but honestly, sometimes i just wanna wear clothes and not have to explain myself every five minutes.

its hard too cuz like, i feel so embarassed when my friends talk about stuff. they’ll be like "ugh imagine seeing your parents naked" and im just sittin there laughin along like "haha yeah that would be gross" when inside im screamin cuz like… yeah. ive seen it all. all my life. and i dont kno how to say it without people thinkin im a freak or sumthin. sometimes i even lie. i say stuff like "yeah we go to the beach sometimes" and leave out the part where it’s a nude beach. i just dont wanna be that girl who everybody whispers about. and its not like i hate my family. i love them. they’re good ppl. but they dont understand that just cuz they’re ok with it doesnt mean i have to be too. i wanna wear jeans and hoodies and be normal. i wanna go to a regular beach and not worry about runnin into someone from the "community" who wants to have deep talks about body freedom. maybe one day ill accept it more, maybe i’ll even be okay with it, but right now? i just wanna be a regular teenage girl who gets to keep her clothes on without feelin like shes betrayin her family. is that too much to ask? cuz sometimes it really feels like it is.

I am an Indian. I know to keep it anonymous but revealing my nationality brings me no harm.

A day ago, I was writing my in-progress novel. It was nearing 11 PM. I went to get my night dress from the room in which I sleep (it's not mine, I don't exactly have my own room in this house, but that's no worry), and went to the washroom to change. My brother was watching TV. I told him to turn it off by the time I return. He always dismisses everything I say, because I'm the useless sort in the house. So of course he dismissed this.

I returned from the bathroom and pushed against the door to the room in which my brother was, and it didn't open. I went to the balcony to try the other spare entrance, but that door was locked too. My uncle and grandmother were asleep. They heard me bang the door, and my uncle appeared out of his room. I told him what was wrong and he tried several bizarre methods of unlocking a door, calling out my brother's name, turning the door handle over and over.

Truth was that my brother had fallen asleep while watching TV. It was late night, wasn't it? The fucker locked the door from the inside for a reason even I don't know. He was in a deep slumber, that my uncle's or my voice didn't reach him loudly enough to wake him.

My grandmother can't walk without her cane. She has fat legs, and lung problems, so she kept saying how him (brother) locking the door rattled her and how her body was shaking. I tried to calm her down.

Mother and father had gone to dinner, so grandmother phoned them to return home ASAP, because father keeps a bunch of keys with him, one of which would fit the door's lock and unlock it. We just had to wait. I waited patiently and calmly through the tension, because panic would have been fuel to the fire.

Even amidst all this, grandmother and uncle kept saying how I was the one who went to the washroom, I was the one who left him alone, and henceforth I'm the irresponsible one. I tried to tell them I am no prophet, I wouldn't have in any case known that the idiot would lock the door while I'm away, much less fall asleep. It wasn't my fault, no matter how one saw it.

Father returned with mother in a few more moments, grabbed the keys and unlocked the room's door. Brother lay sleeping. I slapped him awake (literally) and then uncle and mother entered the room. Uncle didn't say much to him, since he is a little better than controlling his anger than the other two.

Father hit him and slapped him and kept asking him to why he locked the damn door, and mother stopped him by saying that he was still groggy and shit and hugged him. Father kept shouting. All was going well for me until...

Petty grandmother mentioned how I went to the washroom and left the little fucker alone for 15 MINUTES. Hear that? 15 MINUTES. Not even 20. I sometimes sing or think out some plots for my books in the bathroom, so I sometimes lose track of time, but that night I was more than a 100% certain I was gone for only and only 15 minutes.

I had tried all the ways and techniques I could to convince the old woman otherwise but noooo, I'm the one at fault. Always.

I shouted in frustration, that IT WASN'T ME. And guess what? Father got mad. Grabbed me. Slapped me once. Shouted in my ears. Gripped me by the arm and told me not to "look that way at him" because I wasn't meeting his eyes. My mother just stood there. My uncle told him to not hurt me. So he just yelled. Grandmother said nothing.

And then the next day my mother, the woman I despise for so many reasons, comes to "talk" with me (translation: scold and control me). I have not spoken to father since that night, it's been only one day. I wanted him to apologize. He had no reason to hit me. Why can't adults just hit their heads somewhere and understand that they are NOT the wise owls they think they are, that they glorify themselves as?

The woman told me that it was wrong of me to treat father that way, and because the two humans gave birth to me, they "have every right to hit me". NO YOU FUCKING DON'T. I AM NOT YOUR PROPERTY. Child or not, I am my own person who believes that hitting does nothing but give a child trauma for life, make them fear adults, FEAR THE MERE SENSE OF TOUCH, feel like they are at the adult's mercy, or worse, teach them hitting = making the child realize what's right.

That's where the title comes in. Ego and self-respect. Often....Most of the time,... okay nevermind, always, these two words are confused and used synonymously in this blasted Indian parenting universe. ..Fuck I hate this country (ps: I am not patriotic at all).

Mother told me to "lower my ego", as she put it. What I have isn't ego. I simply respect myself enough to know that I don't stand with the wrong. I don't care who does it. Wrong stays wrong. And I feel sorry for those who have no idea of self-respect. I feel sorry for their self-esteem.

Mother told me that children must apologize, that adults never do so because.... they're adults. Okay. I get that they are older than me. They have been on this planet longer than I have. They have seen things I haven't. BUT SIMILARLY, I have seen things they haven't. We're equal. We're also equal on the fact that at the end, we're all humans with a load of emotions.

Mother justified father hitting me because he was terrified for my brother and did it in a fit of rage. So if I yell in a fit of rage, that is not justified? Then you will hit me for raising my voice? He's lucky I'm not 18 yet, and that I don't have any malicious intent. Hitting a woman is assault, ain't it?

Mother told me that father works and wonders day and night for me and my education... But have they ever thought for my inner well-being? NO. BECAUSE THAT IS JUST A HALLUCINATION. IT'S NOT EVEN THERE. I get to hear that money buys no happiness, and no they contradict their own statement, implying that technically, money DOES buy happiness.

I'm not happy. I'm depressed, angry, broken, neglected, sad, hurt and hopeless. And if I tell them this, I'll get hit by the "you're only 17" reply. Because apparently they are stuck in their own angsty life to help me with mine.

They tell me I'm rude. Well, sent me to a fucking therapist then! I want help but can't they get the hint that I'm not able to express it to them because they are all daft shitheads? Why can't I express? They've given me no reason to bestow them with my trust. I trust my friends more. For me, water is thicker than blood. I don't even know who wrote the stupid saying anyways.

Mother told me to make him a sorry card and buy him a chocolate. Okay, I'll do it. Not because I want to, but because I'm genuinely tired of this woman's idiocy. First she neglects me and constantly fawns over brother ("he's younger than you) and now she tries to give me lessons in lowering my "ego"? I have ego, I won't deny. But this, this isn't ego. It's a strong sense of respect for my own being. Every time I try to cultivate it, they kill it in one way or another.

Please treat your children better. They don't deserve this. They are not your puppets. Not your property. They are yours to take care of, so stop doing things that make them grow distant.

It's amazing to know that a 17-yo has a better sense of parenting than two parents combined.

Please excuse my grammar, english isn't my native language.

In a few months I will be graduating high-school and it's dawning on me that I'll have to say goodbye to all my friends when I move to college. The thing is, while I certainly consider them friends, I don't feel that close with them if that makes sense. I'm part of their circle but I feel like I'm always in the background, laughing at someone else's jokes, trying to fit in. I might even be forgotten about sometimes as I'm rarely invited to gatherings unless I'm already there. I'm well liked in my class, I have a reputation for being uncontrovertial, but I'm never the first person to get invited to hangouts or whatever plans they have. I know I'm atleast partially to blame, I'm shy and I get uncomfortable when sharing things about myself with other people, even things I enjoy. I don't find myself having much in common with the people around me in terms of interests either. As a result I struggle to start conversations or talk about anything other than academics. Looking back at my life now, it's always been this way. I become friends with whoever is physically nearby, then I become an afterthought when the school year ends. I really envy the bonds that other people people have with their friends.

man, i dont even kno what to say. like seriously, nothing matters anymore. i wake up, i do what i gotta do, i go to sleep, repeat. its all the same, every day. nuthing exciting, nuthing different, just the same boring ass life over and over. people talk about goals n dreams n all that bs but like, what for?? u work ur ass off just to be tired, just to pay bills, just to end up at the same place. so why even bother. i tried to care, i really did. but caring just make things worse bc u get disapointed, u get hurt, u get stress over things that probly dont even matter in the long run. so i stopped. now i just do what i need to do to get thru the day, nothing more, nothing less.

ppl say oh u just need to find somthing u love but what if i dont love anything. like fr, theres nothing that make me wanna get up in the morning. job? boring. school? waste of time. hobbies?? dont even have those anymore. use to try stuff, sports, music, even stupid things like learning to cook or whatever, but i sucked at all of it so whats the point. why keep trying when u kno u gonna fail. and dont even tell me "just work harder," bc working harder dont mean sh*t if u have no talent in the first place. so yeah, i gave up. not like in a dramatic way, just like, i dont put energy into anything anymore.

i see ppl all excited about stuff, making plans, talking about there future like they actually got things figured out. good for them i guess. but i dont see that happening for me. future just seem like a long ass road of more of the same bs. wake up, work, sleep, repeat. its like life is some game i never wanted to play but im stuck here anyway. so now i just stoped pretending. stoped acting like i care when i really dont. maybe one day somthing will change, maybe not. honestly? dont care either way.

A few nights back, I invited two of my good friends over for a sleepover. Both are the same age as me, and we planned to end the evening with some classic movie watching and unwinding. As the night drew to a close, and we began removing our makeup, I suggested they explore and use any of the skincare items from my well-stocked bathroom cabinet. I'm a skincare enthusiast and have a wide collection ranging from inexpensive brands to pricier, high-end products.

Shortly after, my friend Emily came out of the bathroom looking uneasy, and confessed she had accidentally dropped and shattered one of my top-shelf skincare bottles. It happened to be my SK II Pitera Essence, which cost me about $134 CAD. It's housed in a delicate glass bottle and was nearly full as I had purchased it just weeks before.

Immediately apologizing, Emily seemed genuinely remorseful. While I reassured her initially, things took a turn when I brought up the expense of the product. Emily was taken aback by the price and when I gingerly asked if she could compensate partly for it, she declined. Her rationale was that it had been an accident and since I had offered the products for use, she didn’t see why she should contribute financially. Since that conversation, there's been an uncomfortable tension lingering between us, and communication has been minimal.

The third friend who was present stayed silent and hasn’t picked a side, preferring to remain neutral.

Reflecting on this, I wonder how different the situation would play out if it were part of a high-drama reality show. Surely, the cameras would amplify every reaction and corner each of us into justifying our viewpoints more fervently. Perhaps in such a scenario, the tension would skyrocket, possibly leading to a dramatic confrontation or emotional reconciliation orchestrated by producers for maximum viewer engagement.

Should I have asked Emily for compensation, or was I being unreasonable given the circumstances? How do folks generally handle mishaps like these among friends?

I appreciate any thoughts or shared experiences on the matter. 😉

what the title says. i was over the fact that she had a boyfriend, but having this memory adds a whole new layer and reignites the fire. it's a very very deep emptiness in my chest and i feel like a total manchild reacting so much to this. please don't give me advice on this it's totally just me venting and coping with the feeling

For background information Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months, he’s the sweetest ,most caring,loving man. He never yells and is the first one to say sorry. He’s everything I’ve needed but he messed up in the first weeks we were together. ( something to do with a female best friend ) but he stopped being friends with her before we were “official.” It’s me self sabotaging, wanting to hold onto anything bad he’s ever done. Why can’t I let things go? I love him and this is the first man I knew would be the best husband. I don’t deserve his love. He doesn’t deserve to be treated the way I treat him. I’m always switching emotions or being cold towards him if I’m slightly annoyed. I know people say to change for him but it’s not that easy. I’ve been this way in every relationship. This is the LEAST toxic relationship I’ve ever been in. Now the problem is just me. I don’t even know where to start. I feel I’m too damaged to be with him. Every time I try to leave he begs me to stay. He doesn’t deserve that. I want to be enough for him but atp I don’t think I even deserve it. Sometimes I wish he would just see how terrible of a person I am and leave. I hate hurting him. I hate knowing it’s me who’s the reason for the sadness behind his eyes. Idk what to do. He won’t let me leave and I don’t think I’m good enough for him.

Hello loml. I still think about you up to this day and it doesn't get any better lol. I hope you doing okay.

The past few days It's been a bit harder to follow through with my habits and i haven't made much progress. And i felt stupid for messing everything up again. The past 2 days i've been trying to get back on track a bit. ( I've been Trying my best not to doomscroll and replacing with sketching + trying to reach my step count)

But not really sure If i'm getting anywhere with that. The first month of summer Is over and i'm not sure If i made any real progress. Or if maybe i'm doing well enough. Or fast enough. Or i'm doing the wrong things. Or Maybe i'm not even worth trying to fix stuff to begin with. I kept having dumb arguements with her the past few days one after the other. Honestly i feel like she does It on purpose sometimes. And i tried to ignore It, i try to make my day better and cheer myself up and be positive but i think she's right. I am selfish. I am stupid. And It's true that I can't really care about anything. I ruin and waste everything every single time no matter how much i try and want to treasure It. She's right. I'm just like him and i'm a bad person. There's really no point in trying to change anything if i'm evil to begin with.