Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

idk whats wrong with me lately but its like everythin just feels heavy?? like i wake up n my chest is tight nd i dont wanna get outta bed. i just stare at the ceiling n think bout nothin but also everything at once. i used to wake up n feel kinda excited for the day but now its like...idk. empty i guess? my alarm goes off nd i feel this dread inside me like "oh great, here we go again". and i know i shouldnt feel this way cuz like nothin bad rlly happened but still its like my bodys fightin against me or sumthin.

when i go out with friends now, im not even rlly there. i try to laugh and joke but its like im watchin myself from the outside. like im pretendin to have fun when inside i just wanna go home n crawl under my blankets. and sometimes they notice n ask me whats wrong but i dont even know what to say?? cuz if i say "idk i just feel bad" they look at me weird n i feel stupid. so instead i say "im fine just tired" or sumthin but deep down i kno they kno its more than that. nd then i feel worse cuz im lyin to ppl i love but what else am i sposed to do? tell them my brain feels broken??

school feels impossible rn too. i sit in class n all the words the teacher says jus float past me like i cant grab onto em. my grades r slippin nd i kno it but its like i cant even care enough to fix it. ill sit at my desk to study n end up starin at the wall for hours. like time jus stops or sumthin. and then i get rlly mad at myself cuz i kno i should be better but i cant seem to make myself move. i just feel stuck. like theres glue holdin me in place n the harder i try to move the more stuck i get.

my mom tried to talk to me bout it yesterday. she noticed i was bein quiet nd stuff at dinner n asked me if sumthin was wrong. i wanted to tell her everything, how i feel lost nd sad nd tired all the time. but instead i just shrugged n said "nah im fine mom". she gave me that look she always does when she knows im lyin but she didnt push it. i think she wants me to talk but idk how to even start. what if she thinks im bein dramatic? what if she thinks its just some teenage thing n not real? cuz it feels pretty real to me.

idk what im sposed to do anymore. i jus kno that i dont feel good, not at all. like somethings missing from inside me n i cant find it. i jus want to feel normal again. not even happy, just normal. but rn that feels impossible, like im trapped in this fog that wont go away. i jus wanna wake up n breathe easy again, feel the sun without wishin i could stay in bed forever. i jus wanna be me again, but i dunno how to find her.

(its my first time posting on here, i just needed a place to vent and feel heard)

long story short, when i was around 5-8 (dont remember exactly) i was sa'd by my older brother and his best friend at the time. i was way too young to understand what was happening to me, all i knew is that it felt bad but they wouldnt stop. thankfully this only happened once because i told my mom, but then it was never brought up again, until a couple weeks ago.

the thing is that i never thought of it as SA because it felt too horrible admitting to myself that i am a victim. that being said, this trauma began showing up as me hating femininity, wearing baggy clothes to the point i didnt even undress at the beach/pool/during summer, i absolutely hate the idea of coming across as vulnerable, smoking, substances, SH,etc... in november of 2024 i finally accepted the reality. it felt so horrible that i relapsed in smoking but i thought it was better than relapsing in SH.

long story short, ive made a lot of progress since then. i told my therapist about it and it was the first time i cried in therapy in 5 years, i told my mom about it and she was very loving, but i still cant overcome it.

the nightmares and flashbacks stopped after i managed to talk to my mom about it. but theres one thing left to do, and that is to talk to my brother about it.

the reason why this is like the final boss of overcoming the trauma is that he's made advances on me in the past. not recent, but around 4 years ago he tried to get me to let him 'penetrate' me. apart from that, he's also made comments on my body when i was forced to wear dresses for formal events, talking about how big my boobs are, or how sexy i am. he has also sent me a picture of his dick in the past. thats as recent as last year.

sexual trauma is such a huge part of my subconscious identity that i am almost a legal adult and ive never been in a relationship. i dont wear makeup or dress in a feminine way cause i see it as being vulnerable. ive also never talked to my irl friends about any of this, even tho im craving to have someone listen.

i let my brother get away with so much because our dad passed away a few years ago, and i felt like my brother just wasnt in his right mind. that being said, a lot of what i mentioned happened before my dad's passing and even then, i let him get away with it because dad was an alcoholic.

surviving trauma is hard, but i think surviving the aftermath is even harder.

the first time i admitted to myself that the sa did in fact happen, i threw up.

so, I'm sixteen and I've spent most of my life following the teachings of my very religious family and church. they've always been super strict about what they call "the righteous path", and honestly, it's been drilled into my head that straying too far might be bad. but lately, I've found myself really intrigued by tattoos. it's not like I want a ton of them, just maybe something small and personal. a part of me is whispering that it's a chance to express myself in a way I never have before. but, is that a sin? Leviticus 19:28 flashes in my mind, where it mentions not making cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor tattoo any marks on you. does this mean I'm stepping off the approved path by even considering it?

the tricky part is balancing my beliefs and this kind of rebellious curiosity. my family would probably hit the roof if they even caught wind of my interest in tattoos. they might think I’m trying to turn my back on everything they've taught me. the fact that tattoos are often seen as taboo in religious circles only makes it harder to figure out what I should do. I've heard it said that "our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit", so does altering them with ink disrespect that? or is it more about the intention behind why someone gets a tattoo that's right or wrong? it's confusing, and I'm torn between the urge to express individuality and the fear of straying from my faith's teachings.

ultimately, I'm just trying to find a middle ground where I can respect my upbringing while also exploring new interests. being a teenager, I guess it's part of growing up to question things and seek out what feels true for me personally. maybe tattoos are one of those many ways people try to express themselves, but are they worth potentially going against the norm I've grown up with? is this just a phase or an actual part of who I am? 🤔 I haven't made any decisions yet, still mulling it over. but I wonder if anyone else has been in a similar spot? questioning the role of tattoos in the world of faith is tough, no clear answer in sight...

Im in a space where I don’t know what to feel. I love both my parents. But… this has been so highly stressful and im a pissed at how they handled the situation.

For reference, I’m 22. Im an adult, and I live with my boyfriend at his place. So the actual divorce doesn’t bother me that much… well I say divorce, they’re separating… but it will definitely lead to divorce. My dad is getting an apartment nearby and my mom is staying in the house.

I am angry with how they handled the delivery of the information… well I’m angry for they’re actions leading up to this, but at this moment the delivery is really pissing me off.

I’ve known they’ve been having problems. I’ve known my entire childhood. I’m the oldest so I remember the before, but that doesn’t erase a decade of my father isolating and being cynical, and it certainly doesn’t erase my moms temper. So for the last year it’s been… particularly bad. I was in college so I didn’t see every facet, but you certainly wouldn’t need a microscope to see the problems… and in the last year I began suspecting my mom was having an affair with a man who worked down the street her workplace. I had no proof or real substance, I just thought… maybe… better let sleeping dogs lie, pun intended.

In March my mom started poking her nose in what I knew. She asked me if she noticed any changes to my dad. At the time she was referencing his therapy that he was now going to. I said I did notice a small difference. And I don’t fully remember how the conversation led to this but at a certain point, she asked me about her. I said I had my suspicions of an affair. She didn’t confirm them then, but maybe a week later she told me and I was right.

She didn’t tell my sister till a month later, and even then my sister told her she didn’t want to know and I broke the news to her later. And now another month has passed and they finally told my brother that they’re separating but not about the affair!

It’s fuxking bullshit!! My sister and I told him that there’s more to the story but we want to give my mom a change to tell him herself, but this little information waiting game is horrible!!! Why’s he gotta wait?! He’s old enough to know why his life is suddenly changing!!! And I’m scared he’s going to resent me or my sister for not telling him. But it’s not my story to tell. At least for now. I told him I would tell him if they didn’t tell him in the next month. But both my mom and my dad are scared he’s going to hate my mom. He will be angry. I think it all came as a bit of a shock to him. I think they hid it better from him than from my sister and myself. My sister is 19 and my brother is 16. And I don’t know what to do. Do I tell him? Do I wait? What do I even say? When we told him last night that we would tell him later if mom never told him, he said he doesn’t feel comfortable with mom telling him, but he would feel most comfortable with us telling him. I think he has an idea, we were dropping some big ish hints, but I feel horrible!! I hate keeping this secret!!! It’s absolutely bull!!! What do I do?

so uhh, my friend, (we will call her purple) I love her, and I even got matching bracelets for us, which I NEVER do! and guess what? my other friend (we will call him blue) STARTED DATING HER TODAY. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE I LIKE HER, AND GUESS WHAT? THE ONE I LOVE IS TAKEN FROM MY FRIEND, AND I CANT DO ANYTHIGN ABOUT THAT. ISNT IT GREAT? NO, ITS NOT. IT DOESNT FEEL GOOD, AND NOW IM GONNA HAVE TO LIVE THE NEXT YEARS OF SCHOOL LIKE THIS, KNOWING THAT THE ONE I LOVE IS TAKEN BY MY FRIEND. it hurts. it hurts so much. and I cant do anything about that. and if he ever sees or finds out a bout this, well then I'm sorry. I'm just so depressed knowing that she probably didn't even like me, and liked you instead. I know I sound jelous, or however you say it. but I already had a bad mental state, and this just got worse. #deppressionarc!

This is somewhat a continuation of my previous story.

Recently I came across some of the reels James has liked, and frankly I am worried because if I’m getting recommended these reels, there is a chance Jess (his girlfriend) is getting recommended them too.

The reason I’m worried because the reels he has been liking makes Jess look bad. From what I know this is James’ first real and serious relationship. He has had been in an extremely short relationship with another girl but it didn’t even last a week. So when he is liking these reels, I am almost positive that it is in relation to Jess.

For context, Jess absolutely loves watching this drama/romance reality TV show (kind of like a guilty pleasure), and James thinks the TV show is dumb.

The reels he has been liking are criticizing women who watch that show: saying things like the show promotes promiscuity, women who watch that show have no loyalty. I was so shocked seeing him liking these reels because I know how much Jess loves watching that show, so for her boyfriend to be liking these reels seems so… off?

What really made me want to post this story is a different reel though. It was a reel that said something along the lines of: ‘Seeing your girlfriend defend another man to you is one of the most embarrassing things a lot of men experience.’

I am just confused how he can like reels like those without thinking how it makes his own girlfriend look. His friends are on IG, other family members (on both sides) are on IG, etc. I think this is such a bad look for her AND him, but maybe I’m just old school? Maybe this is how couples operate in this newer generation? But this still seems so off to me… am I seeing this wrong? I would like to know how other people perceive this.

I've been experiencing an unprecedented level of distraction lately, and it's really starting to get on my nerves!!! It feels like I'm constantly zoning out, no matter what I'm doing or where I'm at. It's like my mind decides to go on a little vacation, leaving my body behind to deal with the mundanity of everyday life. And honestly, it's annoying!!! Does anyone else feel like their brain has just decided to take a break without asking for permission??? Like dude, I get that everyone needs a break, but at least give me some warning or something!!!

My zoning out episodes have started interrupting my schoolwork, my interactions with people, and even my hobbies. It's like, one minute I'm deeply engrossed in writing an English essay, and the next, my mind is wandering to the most random things!!! The other day, I was supposed to focus on an algebra assignment, and for some inexplicable reason, I found myself thinking about whether penguins get cold feet or not. That's so random, right!? I mean, shouldn't I be thinking about x and y, instead of whether some penguin thousands of miles away is shivering in Antarctica??? My teachers keep telling me to focus, but how am I supposed to focus when my brain refuses to cooperate??? It's like trying to pilot a rogue spaceship!!!

Despite this ultra-distracting problem, I'm determined to figure out how to get my focus back on track. This can't be something out of my control forever. Maybe it's a lack of sleep or an overload of screen time contributing to this spacing-out thing... or maybe it's just a thing that happens when you have too many audio and visual inputs swirling around 24/7. Whatever it is, I'm remaining extra hopeful that things will get back to normal soon or develop a strategy to keep my mind anchored. Or is it probably because I'm just sixteen and hormones are wreaking havoc on my concentration??? Maybe opening up to more people about this could help??? Anyone else have any tips on how to stop the brain betrayal????? Would be super thankful for any input!!! 😊

you know what really grinds my gears? trying to find the so-called "perfect girlfriend." yup, that's right, I'm 19, male, not exactly what you'd call struggling in the 'looks' department, and people tell me I'm easy to talk to. you'd think with all those boxes ticked, I wouldn't have any issue finding a suitable partner, right?? wrong! seems like each time I think I’ve found someone special, it all turns out to be a massive washout. it's like searching for a needle in a haystack where the needle doesn't even exist!

let's get a bit into detail, shall we? picture this: i meet this lovely girl, we hit it off, and everything's all sunshine and rainbows; but as the days roll by, cracks start forming. suddenly, things that seemed cute before quickly become as annoying as a mosquito buzzing in your ear. does it mean I'm too picky? am I setting the bar too impossibly high? because let me tell you, I'm not into soap opera level drama, and, boy, do some seem to have a PhD in that!!! sometimes, I think maybe the concept of a "perfect" girlfriend is nothing but a myth people talk about, like Bigfoot or UFOs.

it’s not for the lack of trying!! I've put in the effort, and then some! from swiping through endless profiles like some digital romance roulette to those casual flings that left me feeling more hollow than before we met, it’s been quite the toxic concoction of disappointments. ever gotten to the point where you question every decision you’ve made related to dating?? even for the skeptics out there, it’s a musing worth pondering upon. whoever said "love is in the air" must have lived in another era or wrote poetry for a living, 'cause it sure can't be found in the mundane, modern dating game we play today;

here I am, always coming back full circle to that existential quest for the "perfect girlfriend." and it's not like I'm looking for something outlandish or from a fairytale either; just someone who gets me, where mutual respect isn't constantly blown out of proportion. think that’s too much to ask?? so, riddle me this, dear reader: is the perfect girlfriend just some intangible, elusive concept we've dreamt up, or am I just not looking in the right places?? either way, it feels like the odds are stacked against me, turning my quest into an endless cycle of maybes and what-ifs. guess that’s just how the cookie crumbles!

How am I supposed to like you when you yelled at me just for being excited about something? So this might seem a bit dramatic but I’m sick of my dad so much..

Anyway I’m downstairs talking about school since I start in a week, talking about my classes and supplies and just looking at my old drawings from last year. So I wanted to show my mom and get her approval because that’s what any normal kid does. And I’m talking all excited and he cuts me off saying, “what time is it?”. Uhm… couldn’t you have waited? It’s not that big of a deal but it just hurt a bit? It shows you don’t like me and don’t respect what I have to say.. I’m just a big over thinker and have diagnosed anxiety so that might be it? So I’m still talking because you aren’t going to interrupt me?? I was talking first. And then my mom replied to him saying “maybe like 1 minute.” And then I keep talking after she said that since I assumed he heard her, but then he goes “what did you say!?” Like really loud while I was talking AGAIN. So I’m obviously a bit annoyed, can’t you see I’m talking to her?? About something I’m excited about.. and my mom is annoyed so she yells “1 minute!” And I was still talking then, so he just yells at me, “I can’t hear what you’re fucking saying because (name) keeps fucking talking!” Uhmmm that hurt…? You didn’t need to yell at me so I just went quiet and walked away with my drawing and ended up throwing it out since that bothered me so much. Idk but this just bothered me because I never hangout with them and now when I do I just get cursed at.

Anyway this was yesterday and I wanted to have a nice day, make pizza and just be all happy. And I’m getting the stuff ready for it and he keeps pestering me, and I tell him to stop because I didn't like it, speaking CALMLY. But he just laughed at me so I yelled to make him take me seriously.. I don’t like raising my voice so why do you make me? Anyway. So this is when we are finally making pizzas and I’m happy because my mom’s with me for a couple of seconds just alone. And he comes over and the whole mood goes out, it’s now annoyance and thick.. like a storm cloud covering the sun. So yeah my mom finished making her pizza and I did the same. And he says, “your pizza looks really nice, can you make mine?” This is supposed to be something nice that I made up. So my mom goes, “no.” And then my dad says, “why?” In a laughing tone that pisses me off. And my mom says, “because you said it like a child who just wants his way, are you that lazy that you can’t make your own pizza?” And obviously she’s had a hard day and she nannies all the time. So he just laughs and it was a weird annoyed laughter that just throws me off.. so I finished my pizza quickly and the ovens ready, and he’s the only one not done taking 10 minutes just to do it.. when my mom and me are done waiting for him, who’s taking his sweet old time. So my mom yells at him, “can you hurry up? We are waiting for you.” And he just yells at her, “what the fuck do you mean!? I’m fucking doing it!” Uhm don’t yell at my mom. You aren’t a man. You’re just a leech. And I keep remembering vividly me coming home from school to him hitting her while she was begging him on her knees crying. Begging him to stop hitting her. She’s strong enough to fight back, but she doesn’t want to hurt him so she just SITS THERE DOING NOTHING. And the way I cowardly ran to my room doing homework on my bed through tears by hearing her cry. I’ll never forgive him, never forget, and never ever stop hating him. He’s a fucking monster and doesn’t deserve to live. If he can hurt my mom he can hurt me. And he’s hurt my dog before. He hit my dog repeatedly and that poor dog is scared of him. Scared of being hit. And I’m scared that he’ll shove his hand in my mouth again and throw my chewed up food against the wall.

So yes, I fucking hate my dad and I won’t EVER talk to him. I won’t forgive him. And I won’t tell him how I feel because I’m just a coward. And I’m scared he’ll hit me. I can fight back but I’m only 13, I can’t do much for a middle school girl. But I sure as hell will make sure he won’t hurt my mom ever again. I’ll make him never be able to hurt her. I’ll turn our family into a case on the news if he tries.

my bf is out of town for the week for his family’s vacation and yesterday was day one and he barely talked to me and he said he would do better today and today he has talked a bit more than yesterday it still is not showing any effort. And then we where on the phone and his cousin let her friend come and he and her where laughing a lot and I just found it very weird and it seemed like she was flirting

Yesterday we had a very intense conversation about how I was feeling with everything in life and I tbh ought everything would get better but now I feel it has not

My youngest, Alex, is about to turn seven next week and has been buzzing with excitement at the prospect of his upcoming birthday celebration. He's settled on his dream treat—a chocolate cake covered with chocolate icing, his absolute favorite.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law often puts her preferences first, and her response to Alex's birthday choice was no different. During a visit, Alex eagerly shared his birthday plans with her, only to be dismissed because she doesn't care for chocolate. She suggested that he should choose a dessert that everyone could enjoy.

In that moment, Alex remembered what he learned at a friend's birthday party. After complaining about the cake flavor at the party, we taught him that the birthday boy or girl gets to choose what they like because it’s their special day. So, with a bit of assertiveness that mirrored the lesson he learned, Alex explained, "It's not your birthday, so you don't get a say.” Normally, I might have called this disrespectful, but it was exactly what we had discussed before.

I supported him by echoing the lesson to my mother-in-law: "When it's your birthday, you can choose whatever you like." That did not sit well with her. She snapped, calling me and Alex names, which led me to decide that perhaps it was best if she didn't attend the birthday party with that kind of attitude.

This decision bewildered my husband, Tom. He even suggested we compromise by buying an additional cake that my mother-in-law would enjoy. However, I stood firm. I believe catering to her whim would only serve to confuse Alex about the boundaries and expectations we've set around birthdays and special occasions.

Tom eventually agreed, recognizing the importance of teaching our son that while he needs to be considerate, he also gets to enjoy his own day just how he wants. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law now expects an apology from Alex, even demanding a written note admitting his wrongdoing, which neither Tom nor I endorse as we don't believe Alex did anything wrong.

She's now threatening to skip the party and withhold his birthday gift unless she receives this apology, a stance that I find rather unreasonable. We've made it clear that her participation in the birthday celebration hinges on her respect for our family’s principles regarding special occasions.

Imagine if this scenario were part of a reality TV show. The drama and the exchange of sharp words might make for entertaining television, with audiences eagerly discussing and debating team loyalties. It would be intriguing to see how viewers might align themselves in such a familial conflict, where generational values clash over something as seemingly simple as a chocolate cake.

What would the audience's reaction be to this scenario on a reality show?

Okay, so my life is literally a mess

I’ve got three different guys giving me mixed signals, and I genuinely don’t know what to do with myself. Volley, my boy best friend, used to sit ridiculously close to me when he was dating my friend—like, shoulder-to-shoulder, legs touching, even though there was plenty of space. But now that they broke up, we don’t talk, we just stare at each other, and when I react with a “what?” (while looking disgusted), he smirks and chuckles EVERY SINGLE TIME. LIKE WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! 😩 And to make things more confusing, Headphones and Volley had a moment where Headphones called me “Volley's girlfriend,” and Volley just stared at him and said nothing. NOTHING. Then, when I confronted him about it later, he suddenly acted like it was annoying and brushed it off like it was nothing. I CAN’T TELL WHAT HE’S THINKING AT ALL. And to make things worse, we literally can’t talk because his friends know about our situation, and I can’t find an excuse to interact with him. So now we just make eye contact and suffer.

Then there’s Headphones. Ohhh, Headphones. He literally jaywalked to walk with me to a boba place, we share food, and we talk during 2nd and 3rd period. BUT HE ONLY EVER RANTS ABOUT CHLOE. And I know Chloe doesn’t like him because she likes someone else, but he’s still hopelessly attached to her. And to make it even more painful, Chloe told him to confess to her on April 1st, which could either be the worst prank in history or just a terrible coincidence. And the whole time, I’m just sitting here liking him while listening to him talk about another girl. Yay, fun! 🙃 Oh, and he also sits in front of me in Science and constantly looks back at me, but when we lock eyes, he panics and looks forward immediately. And if that wasn’t enough, he sits with me at my lab table with my friends right next to Manager, so now both of them are always around me at the same time.

Speaking of Manager, THIS BOY IS THE MOST PLAYFUL, FLIRTATIOUS, AND CONFUSING THING EVER. Out of all my friends, he ONLY tells me pick-up lines and pokes my stomach, and it’s always some corny, flirty nonsense. AND HE SAT ON MY LAP IN THE LIBRARY??? After making my friend sit on the floor?? Meanwhile, Volley was just sitting behind us at a table staring and looking mad and jealous like he was about to throw hands. Like sir, please explain why you’re upset when we don’t even talk. 😭

But Manager is also friends with a girl I have beef with, AND Bella L (one of the most popular girls in school) still likes him, even though he doesn’t like her back. So that’s another layer of mess I have to deal with. And despite all this, I want to get closer to him because he’s fun, but I also want to get closer to Headphones because our connection is deeper, BUT ALSO I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH VOLLEY. Why is my life a love triangle—but with four people?! 😭

And the worst part? I can’t even choose between Manager and Headphones because they both have things I want in a guy, just split into two different people.Manager has the touchy, playful, flirty energy I love, but Headphones has the deeper, emotional connection that I also love. WHY CAN’T THEY JUST MERGE INTO ONE PERSON??

So now I’m just sitting here, confused, overthinking every eye contact moment, and waiting for the April 1st disaster to happen. 🎭✨

LIFE. IS. TOO. MUCH.😭😭😭

So I don’t really know how to start this off but… my family all have addictions. All smoking or drinking. And I’m scared I might end up like them when I’m older.

So, my grandparents smoke cigarettes and cigars when they aren’t around the family and honestly I love that they hide it from us? Rather than just do it in my face and look at me. And I think they’ve tried to stop quitting so even more probs to them!!

Now my parents have always had a vape addiction.. first it started with weed/bongs stinking up the house, all the way to weed vape pens? And I’m actually so uncomfortable with putting that stuff in my body I VERBALLY tell them DIRECTLY I DON’T like it. And they still blow the smoke in my face?? I think it’s baffling after 10 years they just stopped caring about not doing it in front of me?? I remember them sitting in the bathroom of my old house, blowing smoke into the vents from bongs because they didn’t want me to know?? And I walked in on them doing that so i obviously asked(as the 7 year old I was). And they just tried to play it off saying “mommy just needs some relief”.. and then I soon started figuring out that they were smoking?? Not the same crap as cigarettes but weed?? I still think it’s disgusting either way and it’s made me grow a hatred for smokers, yes I know the nicotine is highly addictive but don’t you know how bad it is for your DEVELOPING CHILD to breathe in that smoke?? I think that’s why I have so many issues with my brain?? I don’t know though, it just really pisses me off and triggers me when they smoke around me. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe and I’ve had meltdowns about it because they can’t just NOT SMOKE around me, so we’ve compromised that whenever I was upstairs in my room they could vape in the living room. I’m still pissed at this because now I can’t enjoy my house and I’m trapped in my room all day, having to go downstairs in a smoke cloud?? And my dad still does it around me, making me yell at him and hate him more. He doesn’t respect me. He just laughs. And I know he’s trying to step up but I won’t forget what he didn’t do. Be a man for me when I was 7-13. I’m currently 13 for context and I’m just.. really mad and just sad?? Like I’m mad they won’t respect me but sad I call him my dad? I don’t know it’s just complicated and I’m just so frustrated and sick of him I have a shorter fuse around him.

And just last night he left the gas on the whole night, we all could’ve died so I’m pissed off. Even I could’ve (13f) known it was still on. And now the house is airing out, I’m not planning on speaking to him any time soon about “feelings” because he’ll just laugh in my fucking face like always and brush it off. I don’t feel seen. And I barely feel their love.

Life's been a whirlwind lately, you know what I mean? I mean, one day you're planning your dreamy future with the "man of your dreams", and the next, you find yourself knee-deep in lawyer appointments and counseling sessions. Funny how things change, right? So, here's the scoop—I'm freshly divorced, and honestly, it's like an emotional rollercoaster I can't get off. Happy and sad, that's pretty much where I'm at. It's like, I'm finally breathing fresh air after being suffocated for years by my now-ex-husband, whose idea of a good time was knocking back one too many shots and then knocking me around. Yeah, it sounds shitty because it was.

At first, he wasn't like this. At first, he was Prince Charming. No, scratch that. More like the superhero of my dreams. This guy would bring me flowers randomly and plan these cute little dates under the stars. He was my ride-or-die until the booze became his best friend. I mean, just like that—snap! Our love went from sweet notes and silly selfies to shouting matches and wondering whether he'd come home or not. You ever felt relief mixed with a side of sadness? That's kinda where I'm at now. Leaving him was like shedding off an old, heavy coat that's been suffocating me in a hot summer; but damn if I don't miss those good times every now and then. Freaking nostalgia will kick your ass when you're least expecting it.

And there it is, my tale of being happy and sad all rolled into one messy ball. I'm free and breathing on my own and all that good stuff. It's like waking up to sunlight streaming through your window after being locked in a dark room for years, like I'm standing taller now, not weighed down by his vibe—or rather, whatever the hell he turned into. Yet, there's a part of me that clings onto the version of him that used to be loving, thoughtful, and genuinely my best buddy. The memories of our early days pop up like annoying internet ads, but I ain't falling for it again. I gotta keep reminding myself that love shouldn’t hurt—literally. Do you ever find yourself missing something that realistically never even existed? That version of him was as real as unicorns. Anyway, life goes on, and ain't nobody got time for that victim bullshit. I just gotta keep trucking along and, who knows, maybe stumble into real happiness this time. Sure, the sadness lingers, but I’m keeping it together, looking forward to a fresh chapter, and hey, maybe a little sparkle will come my way...

Right off the bat, I'll say that I absolutely recognize that I'm delusional and that a lot of this is just my paranoia fueled, nihilistic psychosis but I think I'm genuinely losing it and I'd like to know if anyone has anything to say that could help. Also sry there's no category to tag this with lol.

Ever since I was younger I've been weird and autistic, but for the TLDR I've just never made any close connections with anybody until last year, which went exceedingly badly. I don't speak with my mother, and rarely speak with my family. I might have DID but I've always felt unsure and self-conscious about it/saying it because I don't think I meet the DSM5 criteria for it(no dissociative amnesia), but we basically speak to eachother every night and ever since I was 14 I don't think we've ever referred to eachother as the same person. I think we get along really well and so at points I can't tell who's me and who's her but I don't mind all that much because she's nice. After the 'aforementioned events' of last year we had a psychotic break where she lost her only real friend and I kinda gave up on life. I was able to rediscover a reason to live and wrote down a "rulebook" on the meaning of life, and she was able to accept that giving up on her friend wouldn't inherently mean that she was a bad person or that she desrved to die on the condition that we were both being decieved by a secret evil organization that wanted to control us both by having her kill herself before I could destroy the current world order. This worked for awhile until I discovered "the curse" and she realized that she was just mentally unwell and ended up pushing her only friend away with her desperation which was a lot harder to cope with. "The curse" is my word for a rule that says that most humans will choose to live in an irrational world over a rational world because for most, irrationality doesn't interfere with their ability to live their lives.

This essentially means that I can't pursue the meaning of life which I was able to deduce because whether I'm correct or not, any rational explaination for why I should live will automatically be thrown out by most of the population. My other self seems to be okay now that we've both accepted that we'll still be there for eachother, but in my case I think I'm the version who can't live without reason. I hate this world and I've always wanted to either change it or die trying, but idk I'm just tired and that seems like a lot of effort. I've been letting my other self take the wheel a little more lately. I want her to be happy but I frankly don't care about myself, I don't really remember who I am or what had made life worth living until now but I don't feel like it matters. I've had other versions of myself die before and it's always messed me up. I don't want to leave but I'm not exactly doing anything here. It's just inefficient and it's illogical to try to be logical about everything anyway so there's no need for me to exist. Not in imminent danger cuz I have an "if all else fails" suicide date set 9 years into the future so I'm probably good until then but idk.

Don't exactly know what I'm asking for, but if anyone has any advice, I'd appeciate it.