Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

man, ain't this just a total mess? so, I'm dealing with an ex-wife who's got a creative streak that's got nothing to do with art and everything to do with drama 😂 she's all over the internet, spewing more nonsense than a tabloid trying to sell papers. you ever feel just straight up helpless? because that's me right now. these days, it feels like anyone can get away with saying whatever they damn please online. but here's the kicker—it's about me! yeah, I get it, everyone’s got "freedom of speech," but does that cover outright lies? she's painting stories that’d make you think I was raised by wolves and trained by TMZ. what do you do when someone won’t quit yappin' lies that stick to you like gum on a shoe?

I mean, I've gotta do something, right? it's not just about setting the record straight; there's jobs, relationships, and future opportunities that are gonna be affected. think about it—your boss gives you the side-eye in tomorrow's meeting or worse, a future employer catches wind of this garbage and you're out of the deal before it even started. so, where does a guy even begin? lawyers cost a pretty penny, and even then, what guarantee do I have? sure, there's defamation lawsuits, but everyone knows those drag on longer than grandma's goodbye at a family reunion; you gotta weigh the cost against the stress and time. but hot damn, man, what's the alternative? sit here and let this nonsense keep circulating like a bad meme?

it ain't just about me, though it's the whole damn principle of it! I'm out here wondering, does public decency even matter anymore? maybe hire a cyber detective, if that's even a real thing, or try to drown it out with truth by posting facts all day long? but who's got the time for that? you ever feel like fighting back is just putting a spotlight on stuff you'd rather ignore? just feeds the trolls, y'know. I remember reading somewhere, "a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes"—and man, does that hit home. you gotta wonder, in this digital age, how do we put the truth’s shoes on a little faster? ain't it all just ridiculous? feuds are bad enough in private, but once they hit the internet, it’s like a rollercoaster ride from hell with no brake peddle; am I alone in this cluster of digital defamation, or are we all just one bitter ex away from Internet infamy?

It sounds hardless. But my uncle is a fatshamer who says I'm ugly because I'm overweight. My grandma has lost her marbles and also talks about me being overweight. My other grandma is a nymphomaniac who makes me hella uncomfortable. The other uncles basically doesn't exist and the one I got along with really well died in front of me...and my parents are...Well...debatable. They want me to pay 400 in rent and that was fine when I earned 1800 by working 6 days a week for 8 hours a day (I'm on minimum wage) now with uni They cut my hours. I pay for everything myself and I pay for my little brother's stuff. I cannot afford 400 in rent. And they just said "stop buying things" and I'm like...I go out twice a week for coffee. That is it. The rest is spent on THEIR son. I cannot afford to move out because I have no secure job nor hours. But yet I'm the villain. And I have "no problems in life". I go to work where I'm being mistreated just to be used, judged and still be broke.

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

yeah

idk know how to like

say this

without making it like

obvious

who its about

anyway

so like

it took me until like five minutes ago to figure this out

but I mean knowing me I've prob just been like

avoiding my feelings

for this long

bc like

what if they don't feel the same

like why is this what I'm thinking of

when I should be like

doing my work

like

why are they 99% of what I think of now

help me I'm going insane

*sobs*

and then like

what do I do with

with these like

these feelings

I don't wanna like

upset anyone

what do I do

ALSO HEY YOU (you know who you are) UHHHHHH YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS NUH UH UM ITS UHH THIS IS ABOUT ONE OF MY THEATRE FRIENDS TOTALLY HEH UM yeah...

So, I'm currently in a long distance relationship since several years, and I'm also very happy with my partner. Aside from occasional small conflicts, which I imagine are part of any relationship, there aren't any things that make me unhappy. I love him and we have a very good chemistry, we talk transparently about any issue that comes up, and i can imagine staying with him in the long term. Overall I'd say I'm the happiest I have ever been in a relationship.

Although recently I got a message from my ex-girlfriend after 7 years of silence, which also happens to be my first partner ever, but our past is a bit more complicated. For context, we were an on-off couple, which honestly was because she broke up with me every time she found an issue in our relationship. And I absolutely see that those issues were caused on both sides. Both of us were immature at that time, since we were 17 and 19 when we got together, and with my knowledge from today this was probably her way of coping with problems, removing them from her life or running away instead of facing them. There also was family drama and mental health problems she was struggling with, which made it even harder to talk about issues with her. At some point we had a bigger argument and she blocked me and cut all ties for good, that's when the 7 year gap happened.

So much for the negatives, but we also had a lot of similarities in our personality and interests. I could talk with her like I could with no one else back then, and it often felt like the cliche of "having found a soulmate". I can't say if that was just the experience of being in love for the first time or not, and I certainly don't want to make comparisons with my new partner, since there has been too much time, changes of circumstances and personal development happening in between those two relationships.

So when she reached out to me I was very surprised at first, because I thought I would never hear from her again, and I also was fine with that. She basically said she wanted to find closure, apologized about her mistakes and behavior, and we had a bit of small-talk about our work and stuff. At first I thought "okay, I don't care about this person anymore, I'll accept her apology because I have good faith in everyone and I'm glad she reflected on her personality, so she deserves getting the closure she wants".

However I start to feel more and more unsure about my actual feelings. It's not that I feel in love, but there seems to be this kind of "fascination" (idk how else to put it) when seeing pictures of her, like seeing an old friend and wondering what they have been up to for the last 7 years, and you just want to hang out with them to hear all their stories. The things is that I had those same feelings of fascination when meeting her for the first time, and it's what later then turned into us being together.

This is on my mind all the time ever since we talked again, I'm having fantasies of meeting her again to catch up, and I can't tell if it's because I'm still processing it, or if it's because there might actually be feelings developing again. I'm also really happy for her to have made that step of reflecting on her mistakes, which is why just blocking her and moving on would kind of feel unfair towards her.

This is where things get a bit complicated. My current partner has insecurities when it comes to "being replaced", which I fully get and respect. He also knows we talked and didn't feel great about it, he says he respects my decisions but also made it clear that he feels uneasy with me talking to this person. For this reason I don't consider meeting up with her, or even continuing the conversation. I don't want to do anything that makes my partner feel bad or insecure.

However, I'm also a bit afraid that I might just have suppressed my feelings for her during the pause we had, and by her reaching out these feelings got unlocked again, and that's the reason I'm currently feeling those emotions I'm unsure about. It could also be that I simply feel memories of the feelings I had back then, and perhaps these memories will fade during the next weeks. My current partner doesn't know about these conflicted feelings I have, because I don't want to make him worried or even more insecure, but he knows that she reached out to me and we briefly talked.

So I know the logical solution to this would be "forget her and move on, you're happy with your current partner" or "find out which one you want to be with", but at this point I simply can't tell what those emotions are I have towards her. Friendship? Memories? Suppressed love? I simply don't know what I'm feeling, or how I should react in this situation. How do I find out what I'm actually feeling, and depending on what the result of that is, what is the "right" way to carry on? Maybe some of you have experienced something similar, or you just have an advice for me? Any comment is appreciated :)

This is not for minors I dunno don't read if you can't, be safe. This is going to be about sexual stuff. This is going to include topics like SA! and other disturbing shit. I don't know if the story really fits the category but i couldn't find a better one. It's going to be long, so yall can skip it I don't mind. This also may be nonsensical because i cant write.

So starting off I'm very, very messed up. Im scared to talk about this even to a therapist and I will understand if you tell me im disgusting and horrible. Heres me trying to explain how I got to this point.

The first time i heard about sex was when i was in kindergarten. I don't remember much but I remember one of my friends walked in on her parents and was telling us about it. I was very confused about what was happening because I'd never heard of it. I don't think i was even given the warning to tell my parents if someone touched me. But that doesn't really matter.

So fast forward like a few years i was at the end of kindergarten like the late years. I hadn't started school yet. My mom during summer would leave me and my sister's at my grandma's for a week and our cousins would come and visit us. My cousin was only a year older than me and I would play with dolls with her. Only the games would be really messed up. She would act out scenarios where the guy was like 20-30 years old and the girl was like 12- 18 at most. In short the stories would normally go like this. The guy kidnaps her, locks her up, r@pes her multiple times and she falls in love with him. Of course at that age i didn't know how messed up it was i didn't even know what was sex and when I asked she gave me a very fuxked up explanation. We were both kids. I was scared my mom would be mad if I told her what we played so I never did.

Now again skipping a few years I'm in school. The boys in my class are even in 1st grade finding porn sites and other shit like that. I still was mostly confused and didn't interact with any of it. Until one day when i was like 12 or 11 or something. My friend invited me over to her house. And she told me: I will show you something but you can't tell anyone. She shows me corn sites... And not even the normal ones like hardcore bdsm shit. And of course like the little stupid kid I was like I got hooked. I have ADHD that might be part of it. At that time I freshly got my first phone that had internet. I immediately got hooked. But my mom caught me. And then we had a sit down talk about what is sex and how it actually works.

And that might've worked if i already wasn't so messed up. I was still watching but i got better at hiding it.

A little while later I joined a fandom. It was fine and cool but the fandom had really gross shipping culture and I stumbled upon it and again got way too into it. First i just found fan content on tik tok. Then it was Fanart then Wattpad and then finally the beast AO3. Even though until this point I had already been seeing some weird shit. AO3 was the thing that took it off the rail. The sorting system on the site is pretty hard for beginners and I started to read some very disturbing and disgusting stuff. I think I got addicted both to mastu*bating and to corn.

And here i am now.

I'm addicted to the shit. I hate myself. Whatever you think I've read I can assure you I've read worse. The thing is I don't normally consume that shit. I feel disgusted when i see it. But when I'm excited it's like my brain turns off and i am ready to see the most disgusting stuff and every time I need something more. And after post nut clarity hits i want to kill myself. And like you may say bdsm thats a normal kink DW. But its not. The shit I read contains noncon sometimes gore and even worse stuff. I'm not actually attracted to any of it. At least I hope so.

Okay that's it. I understand if no-one reads this. And I completely understand that if you do you call me disgusting. I am. I know. I wish it was different. I wish I could just wipe my mind clean. But i cant.

Okay bye have nice day if you read this and even if you didn't.

Yours truly, Most fucked up girl in the world.

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. Everyday literally, I feel annoyed, frustrated and angry. Now I do think the depo shot plays a huge role in my moods. But I also think it’s the life/people around me. I need to get rid of people, and situations I feel like in order to fully grow and prosper. I feel like everyone comes to me for their problems, and I hve helped and fixed so many.. with a huge pile of my own. No one is there for me the way I am, emotionally, or financially. I have endometriosis & have to take depo to stabilize my pain etc. but I do wish I can get off of it just to help me a little. My girlfriend hasn’t worked in idk how long. For a while now I have been paying every single bill plus all life expenses. Plus my own debts and tickets etc just everything. I’m overwhelmed! I express my financial struggles and just my stress to my partner and it seems like she doesn’t even listen or hear me. I have been raising my 6 year old nephew for 2 years now, because my sister just doesn’t have an interest in being a mom. She ignores him and doesn’t tend to him at all, stays on the phone all day and just rather party and drink and be outside. I took him in, then later had to take her in because she was in a domestic situation. Now I’m stuck with her, and feeling like I have 3 kids not just one. Even with her present, she still doesn’t play her role at all!!!! I do it all, from feeding him, to buying everything he needs even with her working full time, to just taking care of him overall as a whole. Then my gf I feel like just thinks I’m rich. It’s like in her head I ALWAYSSS have money. Someway somehow she just thinks always that I have somethingggg even if it’s 5$. And she has gotten so comfortable just using my card and money. I feel like she just sets me back in life and makes me back track and tbh I feel like with everyone around me, if they leave and I can be alone for a while I will flourish 10xs harder! My gf has put me in so many bad financial situations, causing me debt etc. on top of years of her talking to other woman etc. now I’m over everything and just disgusted with everyone. I stayed with her cus love. I have attachment issues. And honestly I’m just comfortable with her. It when she’s around all I feel is anger and resentment. Then her back tracking me no matter how much I say what’s going on with money etc she still doesn’t care. I’m so drained mentally and emotionally and physically by everyone around me.

so I woke up this morning and started at the ceiling and was like why? why do I try? why do I live? What's the point of doing anything if it doesn't matter in the end?

I heard some rough news the other day about a colleague, let's call him John. It's left me pretty stumped on what to say, honestly. Imagine this: John's world took a massive nosedive. First, he lost his wife. Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, the guy finds out he's been let go after dedicating 20 years to the same company. That’s some heavy baggage to carry. How do you even start to offer words of support to someone in that situation? It's like trying to find the right formula to express sympathy, but nothing seems to add up.

It's not like there's a manual or a script for situations like this, right? I mean, what can you possibly say that doesn't sound hollow or cliché? You could try those typical lines about staying strong or how things will get better, but who am I kidding? They fall flat pretty quick when you're staring down such harsh realities. You ever wonder if words really hold any power in the grand scheme? 🤔 Or do we rely on them just because silence feels too awkward?

John’s been a cornerstone in the company’s projects. You know how it is; dealing with complex deliverables and navigating industry-specific challenges. Now, after investing two decades of his life into this, he's dealing with a layoff. It must feel like an algorithm gone wrong. How does one process that kind of loss? I can’t even begin to wrap my head around being in his shoes, managing grief of losing his lifetime partner while the next moment, facing unemployment. Brutal combination, isn't it? 😟

I guess when you think about offering support, maybe it's less about what you say and more about being present. But even then, I doubt just being there fills that void, you know? It's like giving a temporary patch to a permanent problem. Do you think offering help with practical matters does more than empty words? Like assisting in job searches or sharing industry contacts? Maybe that’s a better approach than fumbling with comforting words that barely skim the surface of what he's going through.

Have you ever been in a situation where you're just at a loss for words, and it feels like whatever you say is going to miss the mark by miles? I'm wondering if there's a way to navigate through these waters without feeling like you're drowning alongside him. I guess all we can do is try to lend an empathetic ear, be ready when they reach out, and hope that our presence, however silent, offers some comfort. But seriously, what would you say in a situation like this?

so I like this boy named henry but I don't know if he likes me back and i wanna ask him but I don't know because so theirs this guy and i'ma just call him j and him and his friends are known for telling people that person a like person b when it's not true. so I'm was walking to my class (keep in mind I have every class with j but I don't have any with henry) and j called my name so I turned around to see what he wanted and he asked me if I wanted put on's with henry but I was already upset with him(J) so I had rolled my eyes and said yeah but as I said that henry started say that he doesn't get down like that but i kinda ignored it and continued walking to class. so, after a few minutes I was already in class but j wasn't so after a few more minutes j walks in the class and tells me that henry said that he was ready when I was and he wanted to know if I knew if I could cook but I was still mad @ j so I said I'm fucking Hispanic why the fuck would I not know how to cook. so fast forward to like maybe a few days later i was outside my school and henry was standing with his friends infront of me and I look up and he was already looking @ me, and we kept eye contact for maybe a second or two then we both look away. so, moving on to lunch time and I told some of the girls @ my lunch table and then we went to go get lunch and they kept telling me that he was looking over here (the lunch line we were standing in) then when we sat down, they said that we was looking @ me a lot. so again, fast forward to today and it friday and i wanna ask him but im scared

i am 31, a man, and i started this new job 2 months ago, and the pattern looks bad from every angle i can measure. the onboarding was fast, the handoff was sloppy, and the team dynamic felt closed before i even got my badge working right. in the first week i tried to stay in my lane, learn the workflow, read the sop notes, watch the qa checks, and not break prod, but somehow every move i made turned into a small social failure. when i ask a question in standup, people go quiet like i pushed the wrong button. when i post in the group chat, i get the kind of reply that is tecnically polite but cold, like a ticket response and not a human one. at lunch, chairs are full untill i come near, then somehow nobody is hungry anymore. i know how that sounds, and i know people on the internet will say maybe it is in my head, maybe i am projecting, maybe this is just normal ramp-up friction. but when the same thing happens every day, in every channel, across every shift handover, it stops feeling random and starts looking like a trend line. i try to audit my own behavior like i am doing root-cause analysis on a failed deploy. was my tone off. did i miss a cue. did i over-explain. did i under-communicate. did i come in too eager, too stiff, too slow, too exact, too visible. i keep replaying each interaction like log review at 2 a.m., searching for the error code nobody wants to name. one senior guy corrects me in front of everybody for tiny process stuff, even when the actual kpi impact is zero. another person rewrites what i say in meetings and then gets nods for the exact same point. my manager says “give it time,” which sounds reasonable on paper, but in practice it lands like a placeholder, not support. after work i sit in my car and feel the whole day still running in my chest, like a machine that wont power down. depression is not a dramatic word here, it is just the most accurate one. i am eating less, sleeping weird, waking up with dread, then doing the full routine anyway because rent is real and adults dont get to blue-screen in public. i shower, i clock in, i update my tasks, i smile when needed, i say “good morning,” and i watch it drop dead in the air. maybe some of you know this exact thing, when a place is not openly abusive, not clearly hostile in a reportable way, but the enviroment is still rejecting you in a hundred tiny packets. what do you even do when no single event is huge, but the aggregate load is crushing. how do you tell if everybody hates you, or if you just entered a culture with bad documentation and worse empathy. how do you keep your self-respect when the room acts like your presence is a defect ticket no one wants assigned 😕

from an outside view, the facts are simple. i am still new. i do not control the legacy culture. teams can get weird around change, especially when throughput is stressed, deadlines are close, and people protect their part of the pipeline like it is private property. a new guy shows up, asks basic questions, touches process, slows velocity for a minute, and some people read that as risk. that does not make it right, but it makes it less mystic. i have started seeing that not every cold reaction means actual hate. some of it is ego, some burnout, some bad comms hygiene, some plain old cliques. still, the emotional result on my side is the same, and i dont want to lie about that. i feel lost a lot. i feel reduced. i feel like i am becoming smaller every day just to fit inside a system that already decided my value before my probation period is even half done. but i am trying to be objective and not turn one hard season into a final verdict on my whole life. so i started doing little controls. i keep notes on deliverables so i can see what is real and what is just fear. i verify requirements before execution, document blockers, close loops, and keep my language clean and short. i ask one person at a time instead of the whole room, because people perform less when there is no audience. i focus on qa, handoff quality, response time, and the small places where trust can actually be built. i do not overshare. i do not beg to be liked. i just try to be consistent, because consistency is boring and boring is often what makes people relax. i also remind myself that 2 months is not a full data set, even if it feels endless when you are depressed. a bad sprint is not the whole project. a rough team fit is not proof that a man is broken. maybe the answer to “what to do when everyone hates you?” is not one big heroic move. maybe it is smaller and less cinematic. keep your structure. protect your mind. talk to one safe person, even if it is awkward. update your resume quietly, not as defeat, but as capacity planning. keep learning the stack. keep your dignity off the floor. let time expose who is just guarded and who is truly cruel. and if this place never warms up, then maybe the hopeful thing is not forcing belonging where there is none, but understanding that another team, another manager, another floor, another job can still exist. i dont think i am doomed, even on the days i feel totaly unwanted. i think i am in a bad system, in a hard chapter, and chapters end. so i am asking you, honestly, what would you do here, and how would you keep your head clear without turning bitter. because i want to come out of this tired, maybe, but still decent, still standing, and still open to the idea that not everyone will hate me forever.

You know, today has genuinely felt unreal. From waking up in the morning scrolling constantly without a signle muscle to pull me out until 10, to searching for job applications in hopes of eating away at my time in other ways, I felt like I have been aimlessly floating in this world without a single care. I currently have a girlfriend, and think about what could've been with my ex no mattter how much time passes. I feel like i'm going crazy, and I feel so dead. I don't know where to aim myself, and constantly strive to look for ways to become a better person, but the same feeling still exists deep inside of me. I also want to share that, me and my ex talked for months, and I felt like the way things ended were so quick that I was unable to gain closure, and no matter what I do, every girl for the rest of my life will be a rebound. does anyone know ways of being constantly productive. I want to live a life I can look back on, and smile at.

i don’t really know when things started to go sideways between me and my dad, but it’s been like this for a while now. i’m 17, and honestly, it feels like he’s just constantly disappointed in me. it’s like no matter what i do, it’s not good enough. if i get a B, he asks why it’s not an A. if i help out at home, he’ll point out what i missed instead of what i did. i get that parents want the best for their kids, but man, this feels like something else. he talks to my brother like he’s proud of him all the time, even when he does half the things i do. like, does he even realize the difference in how he treats us? i don’t expect a trophy or anything, just maybe a “hey, good job” once in a while wouldn’t hurt. when he gets mad, he doesn’t yell much—he just gives that cold, silent stare that makes you feel like nothing. that’s the worst part, honestly.

i remember once, i spent two weeks working on this art project for school. i even stayed up all night trying to get the shading right, and i thought it came out decent. i showed it to him, kinda hoping for at least a nod or something, and all he said was, “that’s what you stayed up for?” like, bro, come on. it’s just little stuff like that, over and over again. i know i’m not perfect—no one is—but is it really that hard to say something nice for once? sometimes i wonder if he even likes having me around. maybe i remind him of something he doesn’t like, or maybe he just doesn’t vibe with daughters the same way he does with sons. i know that sounds kinda dumb, but it’s crossed my mind more than once. he’s never said anything directly mean, but the way he acts says enough. i try not to let it get to me, but it chips away little by little;

some days i just sit in my room thinking, “what did i do to make him so cold?” and maybe it’s not even about me, maybe he’s just going through his own stuff and i’m taking it personal when i shouldn’t. but how can i not? when someone lives in the same house and barely acknowledges you unless it’s to correct or criticize, it’s hard not to feel like it’s you. i’ve talked to my mom about it a couple times, and she just says “he’s like that” or “he means well,” but like… does he really? i don’t need a perfect dad, just one that doesn’t make me feel invisible. have you ever felt like someone is just tolerating you, not really seeing you for who you are? that’s how it feels. so yeah, i don’t hate him or anything, i’m just tired of trying so hard to be enough. maybe he doesn’t hate me, but if he doesn’t—why does it feel like he does?

It seems unbelievable, but I'm in love. As I unburden myself to her in these terrible ways, I find light in the way I see her as attractive. I no longer distance myself, and I confess, out of prejudice. Which surprises me, really. You don't know where your mind is going in this business. One moment you think one way and the next you think another. It's as if I still can't appreciate how beautiful the moments with her were.

Unfortunately, not everything is wonderful. She reminds me of a girl I knew from college who fell in love with me and did everything she could to prevent it. In a crazy way, too, with the same people from the university supporting her. Her priority was her life before her feelings; that's how separated the issue was. In other words, her life was governed by her feelings; in fact, she had buried them in order to be with others, others enjoying themselves, and herself relaxing. What a miserable life, frankly. How can it be done? She ran away from her crush. Who knows if this is her first crush?

How many times does one fall in love in life? And the girlfriend overrides those feelings? How can that be? How is it possible that an entire university prioritized a union over a crush? This already shows that no one cares about who they are, only about maintaining order. What macabre selfishness. And they did everything possible to keep me in that same line, to destabilize me, to be at the mercy of suggestion, hiding the truth. Even my entourage participated in this. Is it fair? I don't think so at all.

We appeased, we sent that girl's feelings to earth unfairly. She had the right to be in love. Now, being in love will also identify with problems, given that after her mistreatment, which resulted in violence, I had to call a psychologist because I was the one who received her, supported by her people, even outside the university. Is this fair? We buried this girl's feelings. The simple fact of experiencing them, in a way, the way she had, sent her to hell. How could we be like that with her? And the worst part is that she's the one who told me to get out of her life when others had influenced me. Furthermore, she continues with the people who influenced her and who influenced me to such an extent. Furthermore, she influenced me with her violence. Is it really fair? Is it really fair that this girl can't experience feelings?

So, we all wash our hands. Everyone does what she wants and that's it, all to get out of the mess. No one admits responsibility, of course. In my case, I was over the moon, I couldn't admit any responsibility, but she even understood that. That thing with her was a disaster; it was a game with her feelings, an outrage, it wasn't fair. The worst part is that she defended me just so I'd leave. I remember seeing her with her hand trembling in front of me. Of course, I didn't trust her or anyone around her either. I was on my own, it was always like that, and they assumed it wasn't like that, who knows why, and then she had to push me away because of that assumption. But what a disaster it feels like.

In short, in that situation, what mattered more was order, everyone going their separate ways, the girl and me talking, than anything else. Everyone there was safe, except for her, who had given birth and was in the worst possible situation. Why didn't anyone do anything? Why didn't that university do anything if it even had a psychologist? Forty days had passed, and I couldn't believe that girl was like that, and on top of that, with the others all making bad faces, wanting to make her feel worse, since I'm capable of going to the necessary legal extremes. Is this fair? How selfish of all of us. No one cares about anyone.

How is this girl going to express her feelings now? Her feelings, the only way she had of expressing them, the only loving way, were sent to hell, and she didn't know what to do. Why did we have to be this way with her? Of course, I had to protect myself from her. Also, the question: Why did I include myself in this? If I was violated, I was incapacitated, and in addition to protecting myself from others, I had to safeguard my physical and perhaps even physical integrity. Why do I include myself in this mess? I have no business being in that mess.

What I observe, first, is that those around me encouraged my going to the psychologist, given the game with expectations—I was always congruent—no one supported what that girl felt—I did—and also always buried her feelings—I never did that. This is an environment that does not give rise to emotions and on top of that makes their expression grotesque as a result of this, when finding a chance, it becomes aggressive and therefore distancing the person from possibility and consequently, this makes it an absorbing environment and blurs the person because we are according to feelings, without them we are also something but given to Machiavellianism, that is, there are intentions behind it, and therefore she's not a person evolving, but completely out of step with the reality embodied in her psyche. Given this, I fully supported her.

That said, then, how can it be that I was the only one who supported that girl? How is it possible that I was the only one? Why didn't anyone else do it? Why am I the only one who has to act for her health? Out of respect for her? Does this even make sense? Furthermore, acting at all costs according to her decisions, whatever they may be, a question that I even had to make methodological. Why does it have to be this way? Why did I have to go to such extremes? I don't understand. Does no one want to take care of her, and only me, but going to such extremes and thus pushing her away? Why did this have to happen? Why should the only person who supports her be the one who has to distance herself, while those who aren't closest to her are left behind? It's not fair. No wonder she revealed herself to them! I'm already becoming somewhat aware of the situation, and she became aware of it before the second-to-last time I saw her.

How hard it was for me to recognize that she had become aware of the situation. Furthermore, it was a truly tyrannical effort for her. How would she feel if she didn't? Naturally, she explodes in anger and takes advantage of the situation, because she can't stand it anymore. After I brought her to the psychotherapist, she couldn't stand it anymore. It was going to result in the typical bias: she yells at me, explodes, and I say this is such and such. Fortunately, that girl trusted the wisdom of my decisions. It's not just about looking after her feelings, but also about setting boundaries, which is also about looking after them, given that she looks after me and her in an egalitarian and non-burdensome way for both of us, which allows us to be in this relationship. That relationship never ended. However, I must admit, I don't feel like I'm in love with her, under any circumstances.

With her, I admit it, I only supported her feelings as much as I could, as much as she allowed. The fact that she was in love with me was something I had to value because she considered me for a life with me, and I think that's a great honor, not a cause for annoyance or unworthiness in any sphere. I consider her feelings sacred in every way, and they should be treated that way, not with masks or anything like that, complacency or anything like that. I feel that I prevented the same thing they did to me with her. From what I can say from that experience, she was a responsible, fair person, constantly expanding her prudence, managing to uphold these values ​​even in conditions that were impossible for many people.

Meanwhile, I continue my love affair, which, frankly, I see is reciprocal. Fortunately. I hope to do things well.

I am in a very bad period right now and I keep asking the same dumb question, what happens when you cry too much, because I think I am doing some kind of damage and nobody says anything usefull about it. I do not mean one dramatic cry and then sleep. I mean a stupid repeated event, like my body is running a broken program and the output is tears, pain, more tears. My eyes burn all day. The skin under them is red and sore and kind of hot. My nose keeps switching between blocked and leaking and I am honestly sick of this gross fluid circus. My head feels packed with pressure, mostly around the forehead and sinuses, and I cannot tell if that is stress, inflammation, fatigue, dehydration, or just me going to hell in small pieces. Have you ever cried so much your throat hurt after even when you were not even speaking anymore? Because that keeps happening to me and it feels absurd. My chest gets tight. My breathing goees weird. I try to regulate it like some proper adult with self-control and then some tiny useless thing happens and I break again. People keep saying crying is healthy and that is such lazy crap. Too much of anything becomes wear and tear. That is basic logic. The autonomic system goes into overdrive, pulse elevated, muscles rigid, stomach unstable, sleep architecture ruined. Yes I know how that sounds, too clinical maybe, but what else am I supposed to call it when my whole body acts like it is under constant load. I drink water and still feel dry. I close my eyes and they twitch. I sit still and my face feels swollen and wrong, like it belongs to some miserable stranger. Maybe that is normal; maybe I am just weak and making it bigger in my own head, but I do not think so. I think the body can only process so much crying before it starts billing you for it. That is what this feels like. A bill. A penalty. A system notice saying I exceeded tolernce and now every part is irritated.

What makes it worse is that I do not even cry for one clean reason now, which would at least make sense. It used to be one event, one loss, one insult, one actual cause. Now it is procedural and embarassing. I spill coffee, I cry. I answer a message, I cry. I cannot find socks, I cry, which is pathetic and yes I know it sounds stupid as hell. Last week I cried in the shower so long my legs felt weak after and I had to sit on the floor because standing felt too complex for me at that point. Yesterday I cried before eating, during eating, and after, which is disgusting and probably not ideal if we are pretending I am a functioning person. My appetite is unstable. My stomach does this acid thing, then hollow, then nausea, then nothing. Sleep is fragmented and thin. Concentration is bad. I read the same line three times and still do not absorb it. Cognition feels blunted, like every crying episode strips off one more layer of function and leaves me dumber and slower. Maybe I am overstatng it. Maybe I am not. I doubt everything now, including basic symptoms, because being like this makes you feel insane and cheap. But I can still observe facts. I get headaches, facial pain, shaky hands, fatigue, dry mouth, a sore throat, and this ugly emotional hangover that does not clear by morning. I become rude because I am tired and honestly angry. I sound formal because if I say it plain I will probably just start swearing like a complete animal. So here is the direct version. I do not know how my body could react if this keeps going. Maybe nothing dramatic happens. Maybe I just keep degrading in these small, mean, stupid ways until this becomes my standard operating condition. That thought scares me more than one big collapse, actualy. Slow failure is still failure, and I am tired of pretending this is just sadness when it feels more like prolonged physical malfunction.

so well when I was a kid I had a dad and he will always hurt my mom I never like her seen in pain by my dad.. I tried to help her but she push me away and didn't do anything until one day she decind to go the boxing and I was proud of her but then that when she change she became rude like my dad and I was scared and when I started to grow up even more things got different my sister who's was born was 2015 she was a rude to me a lot and nice but she always used to lie to my mom and dad that I did something it hurt me too much and I was getting pare with my older sister that she was pretty sweet nice kind .always got A's on her test/grades I wanted to be like her but I just let everyone down I am a stupid daugther who does nothing right I always get called annyoin rude a bitch and whore and miskat why do I have to be like this so I did the worst thing but before I will you guys I used to scrach my neck and made it into a cross it stranded for me something that I did bad anwyas back to the aprate soo well what I did bad was sh (self harm) I did it all over my body I didn't know what do to then my mom found out and too me to theryp... and they wanted me to get send to a mh (mentle hospiled ).....