Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

ever found yourself in a situation where everything seems just perfect on the surface but deep inside, chaos reigns? yeah, that's me right now. imagine this: during a pretty standard meeting at work, suddenly feeling like an arctic chill hits out of nowhere. i mean, I'm already all bundled up in my thick sweater and it's summer for crying out loud! it's one of those moments you can't help but question your sanity...?! later, i casually mention this weird occurrence to a friend who casually drops the bombshell that anxiety might be at play here. really???!!! anxiety??!!! chills??!! i'm finding it hard to believe there's a connection but i guess stranger things have happened. so anyway, this unexpected comment got me thinking: is it possible that my mental state is manifesting these bizarre physical symptoms?

let's be clear xD i'm not exactly persuaded by this notion just yet; it seems too far-fetched. still.. my curiosity is piqued and i'm diving into this with an open mind... sort of🤷‍♂️! could it actually be true that stress or anxiety could make someone feel cold? apparently there are others who experience similar stuff but again.. color me skeptical.

i keep asking myself: am i misinterpreting what my body's trying to tell me? when you're ensconced in layers and still trembling like a leaf in the wind... there has to be more going on than mere temperature issues, right?

to top it off... work meetings aren't something i'd generally associate directly with high stress levels...yet here we are. plus, i haven't noticed other nerve-racking events having such an impact before. despite everything being fairly stable externally (or seemingly so!), perhaps there's an unconscious undercurrent brewing beneath the calm facade...?

bottom line? as bewildering as every step feels while exploring whether anxiety truly can cause chills or not (and what lies beyond if yes or no) i'm ready to delve deeper until something clicks finally.

I was in a wreck almost 2 years ago it has made me only able to walk with crutches on good day and wheelchair on bad days me and my husband have been happy but recently he told me " 1 miss having someone to walk with and hold hands with and isn't a burden and someone I can walk along the damn with I didn't sign up to be a caregiver this effects me more then it does you

" when in reality I'm the one most effected because we have a kid I can't chase him and play with him like I should I'm missing out on doing stuff with him unlike my husband I watch them play all the time outside, since that day I just hate my life because of this I hate not being able to walk and hold hands play with our kid, he can get out of the house whenever he wants to l can't l'm stuck here 24/7 he doesn't even wanna take me out to eat or anywhere when I'm able to use a cane because he doesn't like people looking at him, l didn't ask for this I feel like a burden everyday since it happened and now l'll how he feels

My partner has epilepsy and for a while it’s been manageable, but recently it’s been getting worse.

It all started when on a Sunday, I went to his place, and when we were walking from a room to another he fainted in my arm and had a non-culvulsion seizure. We went to the ER and he’s slowly been getting better, but today when he was at the hospital waiting for his meeting with their neurologist, they had a seizure (a complete one) and now their stuck at the hospital until further notice.

I’m rly worried because his health keeps getting worse and I’m seeing it myself, I don’t think theirs any life risk, but it’s still scary to me. I can’t go use on my own issues and all because I’m worried about him. It just breaks my heart to see him get worse, even if it’s « not that bad »

The office is exhausting, a place where hell itself is stirred. There's no unity, only factions, so nothing is said. The important thing is to pretend we're in some bygone era, to pretend we're living under civilized conditions. It's unbelievable. I can't even get home because the water service isn't always reliable, and I have to be there whenever they say it will be, which is just ridiculous, and luckily I had some water at all. I'm grateful to have a home, and I'm grateful to feel, right now, in these moments, that there's some future. I've sensed, for some time now at least, the subtlest conversations, but at the same time, they imply a farewell embrace, said without any fuss, but in a way that understands, that acknowledges that we're on our own and there's no chance of sharing principles. My boss is a disaster right now, my friend is at odds with all the authorities, maybe less so with her boss, perhaps. It's survival par excellence, at all costs, by any means necessary to achieve results. Of course, the issue is always limited, on everyone's part, to finding that thing, that thing where they have suffered and therefore also know how to inflict suffering, reaching the point where it goes unnoticed, where the imposition is permitted, precisely because it's not realized in time; my boss used to abuse this. How annoying to have to express these indignations in language, because they are extremely subtle things, which in themselves are not part of any citizenry. This coexistence with the people is annoying, because people aren't looking out for the people, but for their families, and it's because they have no other choice, in order to achieve their survival. If the people are not cared for, the family cannot be cared for. The family is being used as an excuse, as a facade, to do whatever one wants, to justify actions, disregarding universal coexistence, which is that of the people, in terms of what their law establishes. This law, while flexible, differs from those family principles. But the issue is that not many understand this; rather, they run from it. I see that they are running from me precisely because I am now making my principles the law and not the family, making the family a camouflage for the exercise of the law. And that is how it should be, because of the gestures, because of the individual before others, but in accordance with the law. But people take it as an illusion with their feelings, which, if it breaks down, they must abandon, when in theory it should be, from the outset, the act of exercising individuality, without group formations, which in themselves detract from the very essence of a people as a people, based on the principles it applies and which are in accordance with... The circumstances he experiences, that's all, and what prepares him or opens him up to the principles of other peoples, but I insist, I don't know who on earth could understand this in the cultures I come from, so I feel completely alone in this spirit and under the constant urge to reflect through platforms that allow it, instead of it being the everyday thing, precisely under that effort to manage to sustain oneself in life, and which is not an act of containment, of control, of reprisal in any way, it is not something that another can do, but rather it is precisely the exercise through that distance from what happens, formulated through the review of the applied elements of the law, in order to make observations, discernments, and be able to observe the particular case in order to find a generality that allows vision of other similar cases, if no new one arises, and for which it is necessary to reformulate the generality if the issue does not turn out to be polymorphous from several generalities, but which can still lead to a generality, let's say superior one.

Despite everything, I don't know who I can explain any of this to. People are now afraid that I'm going down this path, that I'm now seeing things that are out of line, and that I'm creating chaos, just like they do, to gain control over others, and they're pushing me away. Being a citizen in my town is grounds for exclusion due to a social imperative, not the law, and that makes me feel demotivated, because it clearly shows that serving the nation isn't what people are aiming for; instead, they want to live their lives completely detached from politics. For God's sake, I can't tell my boss about any of this because he'll surely use it for his propaganda rhetoric, which is utterly nauseating in my opinion. I don't feel that I'm gaining the support I want on these platforms either, I admit, the support I want for a better country, which should be achieved through conversation with citizens, but instead, I run into someone with that kind of bias that distances me, that doesn't like me. Indeed, what I'm saying might fall into the hands of someone from the town, but at the same time, it might not.

Writing these lines is the most I can do for my country, because the people themselves don't allow me to be a patriot. Patriotism is something abandoned; in fact, the project of being a nation has gone completely to hell. I left my home and found that there was no country, confirming my relatives' well-honed manipulative spirits, for it is through them that one manages to have a life, to defend freedom, to do something, at least some expectation, in the midst of this savage situation, completely devoid of civilization. And that is what justifies my being with my friend, who knows how to navigate the law, but through the law of shattering expectations, which restrains others, which makes me feel safe, which allows me to live my life without having to submit myself to the collective. Being with her is the best thing because of that, and also because she takes care of me at all costs. She prioritizes order with me above all else, and she manages to see the justification—of course, I give it to her in a way she can grasp—to get things done. She comes down to earth with me, protects my spirit, and stops me from being alone in the midst of this totally fragmented country, which I feel disappointed in because they deceived me with the idea that I was a citizen of a republic, and it was a lie. The paperwork only gave me illusions because there is no such thing in practice; there is no people, only groups trying to survive. My boss wouldn't understand a single word of what I'm saying, and neither would the teacher. That's something he needs to understand, but he got himself into the very trap of trying to make a purely political professional. What a huge disappointment. If there aren't these kinds of individuals, and if they're supported and embraced, and they manage to reach great heights, I can't expect anything from the people themselves anymore. I can't, I simply can't. Instead, I have to act for my friend, for her assertiveness, to create that distance from others so she can live her life as she wants. Of course, this brings her problems because by putting others in a difficult position, they manage to break free from where they want to be whenever and however they can, even radically if possible. I literally destroyed my boss because he was getting away with everything, leaving everyone else in hell, while he came out on top, by any means necessary, at the cost of leaving the whole world at his mercy, whenever he wanted, and all with a smile. It was a dictatorship that wasn't explicitly stated but was described, spoken of through jokes and silence. My friend is assertive, but she lives by keeping her distance from others, by being able to live her own life, not by having them at her mercy, as my boss did. That's why I preferred her to him, that's why I preferred her care, and that she allowed me to live my life as I liked; something in which my boss had to constantly defend me from him because he wanted to absorb me, but for him I wasn't doing anything to make me say that, that is, he lived off my words, keeping quiet and doing things that couldn't be said.

So, here I am, sitting in my messy room, trying to figure out if I’m just some person who’s a little slow on the uptake when it comes to feelings or if I’m actually asexual. To be honest, I really don’t know. I mean, I’m 17, and all my friends are out there exploring their “sexual awakenings” or whatever they call it, but for me, it’s like a big ol’ void. Like, I don’t even know what I’m missing. I get that everyone’s on this wild ride of hormones and romantic entanglements, and there’s me, standing on the sidelines like I’m stuck at a video game level that won’t load. My friends casually toss around terms like “crush” and “hookup” while I'm over here thinking, “why bother?” It’s like I’m reading a manual in a different language that nobody thought to translate for me.

The other day, my buddy was all hyped up about this girl he liked, and he was telling me what he thought would happen. He kept dropping lines about “chemistry” and “sparks,” and I just couldn’t relate. Every time I hear someone say, “you’ll know when it happens,” I roll my eyes so hard I’m surprised I don’t see my brain. I mean, what does that even mean? Do I need to sacrifice a goat or something to get this so-called “spark”? I’ve tried to be interested; I’ve flicked through dating apps, swiped here and there, and honestly, it feels like a chore. Like, I’m trying to watch a movie that everyone claims is a masterpiece, but I’m just sitting there wondering when the good part starts. My mind wanders to the definition of asexuality, and I catch myself thinking that maybe I fit that description. But then I wonder—am I just overthinking, or is it real? Am I just taking a little longer to get to the party?

I’ve read enough articles, seen plenty of videos to know that asexuality isn’t just “being picky” or something you grow out of when you hit puberty; it's a legitimate orientation. But it gnaws at me. Am I really asexual or just a late bloomer who’s scared of rejection? I mean, every time the topic of sex comes up, my brain goes into this autopilot mode where I’m nodding along, but inside I’m just screaming, “This isn't for me!” It feels like I’m meant to be a part of this club, but they won’t let me through the door, and I’m honestly starting to think I might not even want to go in. Maybe that’s the crux of it—this nagging feeling that says, “why do I have to be labeled at all?” So, dear reader, I turn this back to you: Am I asexual, just confused, or frankly, who cares? Do you ever feel this disconnect, or is it just me spiraling down this rabbit hole?

So yeah, I am here because my head is kind of noisy and I don’t really know where else to put this. I have a new girlfriend now, it has been like two months, which is not super long but not nothing either, you know. She is nice, really kind, and honestly way more patient than I probably deserve. But here is the thing that keeps poking me in the brain at random times, usually late at night when I should be sleeping. I still have photos of my ex on my phone. Not printed or framed or anything dramatic, just old pics sitting there in my camera roll, mixed in with screenshots and food photos and dumb memes. I don’t even look at them on purpose, but sometimes I scroll too far back and boom, there we are, smiling like everything was fine. It makes my stomach drop a little. I am not missing her exactly, I think, but I am also not fully sure. It feels rude to my current girlfriend, even though she has no idea. I keep telling myself they are just memories, like old clothes you forgot in a drawer. But then I think, is that just an excuse to avoid doing something uncomfortable?

I try to be reasonable about it, like a normal adult, but I kind of fail at that a lot. My ex and I were together for years, and deleting those photos feels like erasing a chunk of my life, even if that chunk ended badly and with a lot of awkward silence. Some of the photos are boring, like us on a couch, but others are from trips or random good days where the sun was out and we laughed for real. I know keeping them does not mean I want her back, but it also does not feel super clean either. My new girlfriend talks about honesty a lot, and I nod and agree, and then I feel a bit fake inside. I have not lied, but I have not told the full truth either. I once tried to delete the photos, like actually started selecting them, and my finger froze like I was about to touch a hot stove. I felt silly, like why is this so hard, they are just pixels. Then I stopped and went to make a sandwich instead. Very brave of me. I keep wondering if this makes me a bad boyfriend or just a human one.

I guess what I am really stuck on is whether deleting them is for her, or for me, or just to look like a good guy on paper. I do not want to hurt anyone, I really don’t, and I am trying to be polite to everyone involved, including past me. At the same time, I don’t want to drag old stuff into something new and possibly good. Sometimes I think I should delete them as a sign that I am moving forward, like closing a door gently instead of slamming it. Other times I think it is okay to keep them tucked away, not because I am holding on, but because life happened and it is okay to remember it quietly. I feel unsure most days, and I second guess myself a lot, which is kind of my brand at this point. So I am asking you, random kind reader, what would you do? Would you delete the photos out of respect, or keep them and trust yourself to not live in the past? Is there a right answer here, or am I just overthinking a very normal thing like I always do?

I know the title is silly. It's my attempt to lighten what is bound to be a pretty depressing situation to write out.

So I'm autistic, but autistic in the way where it's almost -ALMOST- not a problem. I can speak well, I can go out in public and not visibly stand out if I try not to (unless I open my mouth), I'm smart and kind and not prone to outbursts. I keep myself and my surroundings clean enough. HOWEVER. I still need help. I can't open cans or use can openers, I can't hold a bag for long or it hurts my stupid oversensitive hands, I never got the hang of folding clothes or tying shoes. I'll forget to eat sometimes, forget to shower sometimes (though never if I have somewhere to be), and I'm totally nocturnal on account of the only friends I have being digital and overseas. People in real life don't stay, or worse, they do and they bully me. My diet is almost entirely beige, I can't use a bus without getting lost if the route is unfamiliar, the list goes on and on. The things I can do are many, and I love my hobbies no matter how unprofitable they are, but the few things I can't outweigh them by societal importance. Jobs reject me because I can't answer the phone or stand up for the whole shift, and I need to do only one or two tasks, not eight.

This is where the title kicks in - I like to joke I have Old Timey Disney Princess Syndrome, in that there is literally no solution for my problems that doesn't involve waiting for someone else to please, please swoop in and fix it for me:

Want my own house? Wait for someone with money to agree to live with me.

Want a job? Wait for someone to say yes to an application AND they have to agree to my limited scope of things I can actually do.

Want to go out somewhere? Wait for someone to be available to take me.

It's crushing me. I'm doing everything I can to try and move along - I want SOMETHING in my life to change, but it's like I'm on a treadmill. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, nothing changes. If anything, the situation gets worse year upon year. I've recently turned 24, so my job prospects are now the lowest they've ever been because I'm now competing with fully-able people my age who who finished university, and I couldn't even go because I got bullied so hard everywhere else.

I know a lot of people who will look at this story and go "wow. what a whiny victim, no such thing as 'can't', just get up and DO IT." and to that I say, "don't you think I've tried?"

Every single thing I have listed for you here, every single item, I have attempted to change or struggle through. I have wasted months or years trying to do things I'm simply not built to be able to do. I have worked myself to breakdown and therapy again and again. I have tried every option available, from self-employment to placements to toughing-it-out. I have tried left handed can openers, electric can openers, ring pulls. I have tried pre-bagged veggies in my diet, differently prepared almost every way you can think of. I have been on so many courses that my work coach has run out of courses to send me on. That is how hard I have tried, and still I have no results. I am exactly where I've been for the past six years.

I am still stuck at home with my borderline abusive father, doing all the chores as best as I can with very little praise for the effort while he comes home and passes out, and I have to accept that, because at least he's worked hard to feel so exhausted. I barely do anything except job applications and chores.

I had thought perhaps the answer was my boyfriend, eventually moving out to America to be with him, but uh...not anymore! thanks politics.

So now I just don't know what to do. I've run out of things to try, and I don't want to be another example of an autistic person driven to the Worst Outcome, but I don't know how much longer I can bear being like this without any change.

I'd appreciate any suggestions from anyone who's been where I am and managed to scrabble out of the pit.

Me and my best friend have always been really close, and recently, we both realised we had feelings for each other. It was a really good feeling and we were both really happy, but ever since then I feel like they’ve been avoiding me to talk to other friends instead. I understand this is a big thing and it’s gonna take time to get used to this new dynamic and all, but it feels like they’ve been avoiding me, or at least trying to talk to other people instead of me for the past week or so and it just hurts because I want to talk and be with them but I can’t just make them talk to me, or tell me what’s going on.

ever get that feeling like you're the only one walking through school halls invisible to the world????? i'm 17 and it's like i'm in some glitch in the simulation. others are collecting friends like i collect those stupid online game achievements, but me??? nada. it's not that i haven't tried either; i've done the whole "join a club" thing, poured my soul into band practice, and stayed late at those oversold "life-changing" workshops that counselors swear are opportunities. sure, i've got acquaintances, but those hollywood-style, ride-or-die friendships???? ha, guess they're on backorder for me!!! who knew navigating the social web would feel like trying to solve a rubik's cube blindfolded? i sometimes wonder, am i a walking wifi dead zone or living life on airplane mode?????

remember some adults love throwing out advice like "be yourself" or "you've got to put yourself out there"... gee, thanks, hadn't thought of that. it's not like i'm antisocial or a wallflower, though talking to someone feels like booting up an old pc—slow, clunky, but it gets there in the end (most times). at every pep talk, i nod like a bobblehead or a yes man, but when it boils down to it, that six-word mantra becomes white noise. "fake it 'til you make it" seems enticing—pretending i've got it all together in hopes it becomes a reality. *spoiler alert*—still waiting on that shift. maybe i missed the memo on how to fit the mold or ace the secret friendship interview. should i be taking notes?????

but here's the kicker—each day, my classmates flaunt their BFFs with matching necklaces or those idiotic coordinated dance moves. "watch our sick routine!" they say—ugh, puke me to the moon. why can't someone be cool with the more chill type, like wandering the local trails or binging some obscure cult classic??? not that i'm bitter (just checking!!!), but i'm strangely optimistic, like some masochistic sucker believing that karma has a twisted sense of humor. i guess it's true what some say, "good things come to those who wait." maybe the human algorithm just hasn't processed my request yet??? online, i've found comrades-in-keyboards who share the same plight—living charades waiting for our tribe to find us. strangely comforting, yet bittersweet.

so what's the game plan now????? patience sucks, but it's part of life's obnoxious curriculum, isn't it????? pushing forward, reminding yourself "this too shall pass" because high school isn't the endgame. hell, it's only the first level before the real quest truly begins. the awkwardness??? a rite of passage into adulthood's unfathomable chaos. the absence of friends doesn't define the haphazard journey of societal expectations. instead, embracing my quirks might just attract another oddball-looking-for-their-own kindred spirit. anyone else feeling the struggle to "fit in," just like me???? because life is a marathon, not a sprint―and it’s a damn long run without podcasts or a killer playlist. maybe one day i'll have one of those laugh-till-you-cry revelations and thank the universe for its eccentric ways. but till then, i'll keep clicking 'refresh' on life's social page, waiting for that genial notification to ping.

I was receuited on my school bus my lowerclass people saying they needed eyes in my class especially on one student and i was like sure fine... Fiture me is kind of regretting it. But this society is completly founded and powered by people in a lower class than me. But they aint joking, had me sign a whole official document(i read it) and now i hate to follow the commanding people and the mysterious authority person. Its a simple group tho, we just gather information on people for fun, which is tasked by the commanding people(founders) and sometime get revenge if deemed worthy and funny thing, managed to get one of the founders to admit he used chat gpt for punctuation and complex words😔✋

I'm a teen female (younger that 18) I hate it here. I'm so sick of being around people who act like they care about me but don't ever consider my feelings, my parents are so mentally draining, they say they understand how I feel but they genuinely don't. My mom said she had a "gay phase" too. It's not a phase, I've like women, and all genders since the I was young. They think its because I got exposed to things during covid and I hate it. Because it just shows how much they didn't pay attention to me as a kid (well, younger kid.) I literally had an imaginary girlfriend when I was like six and that was WAY BEFORE covid. I hate them. Mostly my dad, my mom is okay because she actually tries to hang out with me, not as much anymore but she asks me to go places with her and it shows she's atleast trying, unlike my dad who only does things for me if it benefits for him. My mom tried to tell me. "But he's picking you up from school everyday!" BARE MINIMUM. I don't want ungrateful, I know there's people who's dad's are worse but still, he doesn't even try. "He takes you to school sometimes!" Only because his physical therapy is on the way and I know he wouldn't do it if it wasn't.

Me and my mom were talking about what high-school I want to go to since it's almost the end of the year (I have 2 and a half weeks of school left) and we might go to this one school but my mom has to be at work 7:50am and we live 20-30 minutes away from her office so she can't drop me off at the bus stop, we'd have to leave way earlier than we already do. I said my dad could just drop me off and she went silent. (knowing damn well he's going to be upset about it.) She said "I'll have to talk to your dad about it." Uhm, why does he have a talk about it?

I don't know. Am I being unreasonable?

Ever since I can remember, I have trouble catching people’s attention when I speak and when they do hear me, they look at me weirdly like they don’t know how to reply to me. This led me not to talk for almost my whole life because it feels embarrassing, which made my voice softer and cringey to hear. I really regretted it now that I’m working in a 9 to 5 job because my work requires me to speak and my co-workers would make fun of my voice. One even said they want to fight me to see the different version of my voice and would comment they hate it every time I talk.

It made me not to open my mouth ever again. I feel like a weirdo in display. But I also need to work because I’m not a kid anymore who can hide from her mother’s skirt.

Maybe I’m overreacting but I can’t help it.

Sometimes I just sit in the car in the driveway, engine off, keys still in the ignition, and I stare out through the windshield, not really lookin at anything. Just sitting there. Not because I'm too tired to walk inside, but because I’m too emotionally tired to face the silence that waits for me in that house. I’m 38 years old, married for almost ten years, and every day feels heavier than the last. My job takes every bit of my time and energy. The meetings, the deadlines, the constant emails at midnight—it never stops. And the irony is, I worked sooooo hard to get here, to build a career I could be proud of. But now that I have it, all I can feel is empty. I don’t feel proud, I feel worn out. I feel like I gave everything I had just to be in a place that doesn’t even fulfill me anymore.

And then there’s my marriage. We don’t fight, not really. But we don’t laugh much anymore either. We talk about the groceries, the bills, who’s picking up dinner. But we don’t talk about us. We haven’t in a long time. He’s a good man, dependable, quiet, never cruel—but there’s just no spark left. Maybe there never really was and I convinced myself the stability was love. Maybe we just got older and forgot how to connect. Whatever it is, it’s gone now. He sleeps on his side of the bed, I sleep on mine. We don’t touch. We don’t share dreams. And worst of all, I don’t even feel sad about it anymore. I just feel numb. Like I already mourned it years ago, silently, and now I’m just existing in the after.

There was a time when I wanted kids more than anything. I'd look at mothers pushing strollers at the park and my heart would ache. I tolld myself I’d try “next year,” once things slowed down. But they never did. There was always another promotion to chase, another work trip, another long night at the office. And now? Now I don’t even know if it’s physically possible. And even if it was, I don’t know how I’d manage. Bringing a child into this life would be like dropping them into the middle of chaos. I wouldn’t have time to give them what they deserve. And deep down, I don’t think I’d want to do it with him. Not like this. Not when I already feel like I’m holding myself together with tape.

It’s a weird kind of grief, mourning the life you thought you’d have while still living the one you built. I scroll through social media and see people with their families, their toddlers painting messy art, their husbands kissing their cheeks, and I feel this sharp mix of envy and regret. I want to scream at my younger self, tell her to slow down, to not wait so long. To make different choices. But I can’t change the past, and the future feels like a narrow hallway with no doors. I don’t know what comes next. I can’t even imagine it. All I know is that I’m tired. Not just tired like I need sleep—but tired in my soul. Tired in my bones.

Sometimes people at work say things like “you’re so strong” or “you’ve got it all together” and I wanna laugh. If they only knew. If they knew how many nights I sit on the bathroom floor with the shower running so he won’t hear me cry. How many times I’ve opened my mouth to say “I’m not okay” and swallowed it back down. How often I wonder what it would feel like to just leave. To star t over somewhere new. But I don’t. I stay. Because it’s easier. Because change is scary. Because I tell myself it’s too late, even if some small part of me still hopes it’s not.

So here I am. Thirty-eight, successful on paper, stuck in a quiet marriage, childless not by choice exactly, but by exhaustion. I don’t need anyone to rescue me. I don’t even need anyone to fix it. I just wish someone could sit next to me and say, “I see you. I know you’re tired. And it’s okay.” Because right now, all I’ve got is this weight on my chest and a life that looks fine from the outside but feels so empty inside. I’m not falling apart exactly—I’m just emotionally tired. Too tired to keep pretending everything’s fine. Too tired to know what to do next.

I matched with a woman on Tinder, and we had a short-lived romance that spanned a few months. She confessed that I was her first Tinder outing following a lengthy hiatus from the dating scene. Our connection fell apart after she disclosed that she was seeing another guy on the side, which made me feel exploited.

Not long after, I started seeing another Tinder match who shared that this was also her first date in a long time following a traumatic breakup of her engagement. I was understanding about her past.

It seems that this narrative is recurrent for me. Perhaps my easy-going and well-put-together demeanor, combined with being fairly attractive and easygoing, makes me the ideal first-Tinder-date type. Normally, these dates transition smoothly from a match to meeting for drinks, but they often reveal a lack of real chemistry and we part ways. It's left me pondering if I'm merely a stepping stone, warming them up for "better" dates.

From the onset with the most recent woman, I indicated my interest in a serious relationship and tried repeatedly to understand her intentions across multiple dates. Her responses were elusive. Moreover, she jokingly mentioned exploiting my professional contacts for a job opportunity in our shared industry, which added to my concerns. Despite my tentative feelings, it ended when she phoned to break up with me, admitting she had developed emotional connections with someone else.

Having experienced several breakups, I'm usually quite resilient, but this time I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt like I had been instrumental in helping her regain her trust in dating, only for her to transfer those newly revived emotions to another relationship.

Really, it’s like I was just there to prepare her for the next guy.

My feelings are hurt; it feels like I was used.

She thinks I’m being unrealistic.

Am I mistaken here?

If this all played out on a reality show, the cameras capturing every awkward date and emotional moment, I wonder how the audience would react. Would they see my genuine efforts and sympathize with my feeling used? Or perhaps they'd critique my inability to see the signs and cheer her on for finding a more suitable match? It's one thing to live through it privately, but having thousands watch and weigh in might be a whole other level of drama.

When other kids elsewhere probably fantasize about this longer than I do, I think about this for a bit, before I start panicking about every worst case scenario. This is why relationships...in general, are a risk. They're painful, bad, and they're not a thing I NEED to live in this world, they're just a liability. Like, I feel like an adult next to these buffoons in school! They can't see the risks, the pains, the agonies, they can't see all those dirt under the nice leopard-print carpet! And you know what, I can handle being alone with no one! They're a liability and risk anyways. Being tough and ROUGH is the way to go! I'm not soft, and I'm not gonna be vulnerable with anyone! No matter how much I want it, it's a sin on my part! It's like wanting drugs as a teen, it may smell good but it's bad for you! Aren't there any perks to not showing your vulnerability? it helps maintain your composure, you don't make things awkward or dangerous at work, it can make you look really stoic and composed and leader-like, and it makes you focus more on yourself and learn self-work by your SELF. See? You may say hiding vulnerabilities is bad, but ugh, when some movie characters do that, bam! Trusted the wrong person! Look at Elphaba and Madame Morrible with the Wizard of Oz, they were shams who couldn't read the magic book nor make magic, only for Oz! And she for her whole life wanted to be like him, but he's a useless man! Even I tried remembering the Wizard was a farsi, before the movie confirmed it again, because he looked suspicious!

I can be safe even from the "nicest" people. I was only BARELY ALIVE when I trusted mom so much to tell her things like "If I got Rem for Diwali, more fireworks would've sparked in the bedroom!" and she didn't react at all or I actually listened when she said she wanted to be my confidant and she didn't maybe shame me, but who knows? Maybe that's her way of being judgy. Still, just now, I wanted to hang out with a neighbor, but her friend came and they had some school project so I was essentially the weirdo stranger from downstairs. She may say we can play tomorrow, but because of my gut, I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone, so, I'm giving equality to people. I even don't trust mom when she says if I don't trust anyone, I'll be miserable. I wasn't crying when I got home, I just said to myself, "You had a weird gut feeling, and you were right!" I just felt more gray than blue. Plus, in Indian airports, considering how dumb the country can be, whenever I see guard dogs bark and play with the security for a bit, and the security is armed, I think they're fools. My grayness isn't depression, it's realization of truth. I'll just be NATE JACOBS, minus the abuse and power play. Come on, as dumb as people can be, why go out of my way to hurt them? I mean, look what happened. I kept cool, prioritized her, and left! I'm mature because I didn't cry nor feel sad, I just felt like, "Good I considered this." Same thing goes for when some people from school wave in the front. I don't think they're waving at me, I've seen this trope in movies too many times to not be fooled, and I'm right. They wave at their friends. I'm mature than them, right? Right?? I'm predicting the worst so I don't end up in bad situations. Like, she said she was being mean by asking me to leave, when I was being mean! I came to her house when her friend was meant to arrive only 10 minutes after me, and I was really quiet when her friend came. So yeah, me even being here and existing is mean, because I bet I smelled or didn't look good that time! She's 10 and I'm 13, so it's weird!

In fact, I should stop hanging out with her. Or anyone. I should stop making plans for anyone, and if anyone invites me, I won't come. Wanna know my mature reason? One time, a friend of mine wanted to let us visit in some mall, and because of stuff and a party she had before, we never went. Not only that, she's now bigger buddies with another girl. Good for her, foolish of me to even accept it. I don't know why for a while I cried about wanting one friend, if this also a big unnecessary risk. I won't hang out with that neighbor again, because well, this is what'll happen. Same thing goes if I dare, DARE, fall in love and date someone at 16, and then break up and call it worth it, god forbid. I fail to understand how movies, and REAL PEOPLE, say it's worth it. If it was, why else did you guys leave? I'm being like Kat from Euphoria, she's cynical and learnt from movies that to be cynical is empowering. I need to shove and stop this feeling. I'm shameful to assume friends are important. I can live like the great Syd Barrett, who managed. He only died from pancreatic cancer. Relationships hurt me, even friends! I've been abandoned, because it was my fault! It hurts! So I'll reject it. It only causes pain. That kinda love is...scary. Why do they say it was worth it if it all broke up then? It never clicked with me. If I were in that, I would cried, moved on, and chosen the life of a celibate permanently because...this is the result of even trying. As much as I'd hate to say this, but...I'm scared. Like, genuinely, really, really scared. Oscar said the same thing to Alex in the book RWRB, he loves Ellen and even though they divorced they don't regret it. Well, I would a lot. If I knew the instability, even the smallest signs, I'd leave before it'll get worse. See? I'm asexual! I may fantasize about love and snuggling, but it's all a dumb thing! Hah, dad was right. I had a crush for a girl, I never confessed to her because as young as 11 I know how unstable they were at this age in "the real world". Then at 12 I wanted to be a great friend, we had the mall plan, it never happened, and now she's with another close friend. I tried messaging her but she never responded, so naturally, I deleted and she never noticed. Right now in school, I lost my desire to even have a class crush a year ago, so whenever they joke about crushes, I behave like this. It's like when a person sees a puppy, you laugh and go, "Awww!" If I saw the puppy, I'd be scared a bit and go, "Oh, a puppy. It's fine." I'm asexual because I'm mature. I'm asexual because humans are garbage.

But with everything that happened, it won't get better. It won't. It's just that I learnt to be a warrior early, at 11. Now it's time to be a soldier, then general. My dad even said a good point, maybe he's right this time. Him and mom being together because they were in a long situation-ship in college and early careers before marrying and still being together for 16 years, is pure luck because "most of the time it doesn't happen". He's right. Maybe I can never find a love unless I arrange or work "somewhere", if you know what I mean. Mom's wrong to say maybe I can meet people "like me", when I'm older, because mom has a mini-friend who's 8 years younger than her and even though they work in different companies now, they somehow make some small time. But, it's a farce! Mom doesn't even meet her most of the time, college I heard is a crap experience, work I heard from dad everyone are losers or idiots or very competitive, the Internet is weird, and even then, humans are garbage. This is the only time dad's right! I'm more embarrassed I thought I'd have one friend when I was 11. I'll never be ashamed by my SUPER SQUID DEFENSE SYSTEM. I'm not alone, I'm an adult at 13! I'm a warrior squid, an eel who bites before anything bites her! I'm better than my classmates! I'm smarter than them, and I can't be hurt easily if anyone leaves anymore! In fact, I can leave them if I detect an OUNCE of instability. I'm a diamond, unbreakable, and I can work under societal pressure. Trust no one, listen to the rules to be safe from people, and never fight back or else you're a "snitch". My brother said one of the reasons I don't have a friend is because I'm a snitch. Like a squid I can squeeze out of bad stuff, like an eel I can bite back, and like I diamond, I can never ever be scratched or dented!