Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I don’t know when I started asking myself this question so much, but lately, it’s like a constant loop in my head—Am I annoying? I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years, and I swear, sometimes it feels like he’s just tired of me. Not in a dramatic, we-need-to-divorce way, but in a way that makes me feel like I talk too much, like I repeat myself, like I ask too many little questions or bring up too many unimportant things. I’ll be telling him about my day, something small that happened, and I see it—that slight change in his face, the way his eyes shift away, the little sigh, like he’s waiting for me to finish. And I feel stupid. I feel like I should just shut up, like maybe whatever I was saying wasn’t worth saying in the first place. And I don’t think he even realizes he does it, which somehow makes it worse. Because if he noticed, maybe he’d at least pretend better. Maybe he’d reassure me, tell me I’m not annoying, that he still wants to hear what I have to say. But he doesn’t. He just listens—barely—and moves on, like I was just background noise. And I try not to let it get to me, but it does.

It’s not just him, either. I notice it everywhere now. With friends, with coworkers, even with strangers sometimes. I’ll say something and immediately second-guess myself. Did I talk too long? Did they actually care, or were they just being polite? Am I making people uncomfortable by taking up too much space? It’s like I’ve developed this sixth sense for when someone loses interest, and the moment I feel it, I just want to shrink, to disappear, to take back whatever I just said and pretend I never opened my mouth. And I hate that. I hate that I’ve started filtering myself so much, cutting my own stories short, apologizing for talking too much when no one even said I was. But maybe they thought it. Maybe I could see it in their face, hear it in the way they respond with those short little "mhmm"s or "yeah, totally"s, like they’re just waiting for their turn to talk, or worse, waiting for the conversation to be over. And then I start overthinking everything. Maybe this is why I don’t have as many close friendships as I used to. Maybe this is why people drift away. Maybe I’ve been exhausting to be around this whole time, and I just never noticed before.

I don’t know how to fix it. Or if it even needs fixing. Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe I’ve just become so insecure about my place in people’s lives that I think I’m annoying when I’m really not. But what if I am? What if I’ve spent years talking too much, over-explaining, repeating myself, not realizing that everyone was just putting up with me? The idea of that makes me want to stop talking altogether. To just keep everything inside, because at least then I wouldn’t have to see that look on people’s faces ever again. But then what? I go silent, I stop sharing, and then one day, I realize no one even notices? That scares me just as much. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m annoying, if I should change, or if I just need to stop caring so much. But I do care. And I don’t know how to turn that off.

God!! I am just so fucking ugly!!! Why is it that I can feel so good about myself one moment and then so terrible the next. Im genuinely on the verge of tearing out my hair. I don’t know how to fucking explain how I feel, I don’t know what to say, my brain feels foggy, I hate whoever that ugly ass slime in the mirror is, and I barely have any friends- the ones that I do have probably have plans to leave me anyways. I don’t know who I am, what I like, what colleges i’m going to go to, what job I want, any of my aspirations. I feel like the little things that I do know about myself aren’t even significant enough to tell people who I really am. I have a sense of my being, but at the same time i’m clueless. I try, I do, but in the end I feel like nothing I do amounts to anything. I feel trapped. I try to do one thing, ope, You’re too ugly to wear that! I try another thing, Sorryy… sucks, but, you are actually retarted and don’t know shit. My skin is constantly breaking out, i’m constantly bloated, I feel fat, my clothes are uncomfortable, I look like a whale, I don’t know how to act around people. I just cannot simply exist without my brain eating at everything I say, do, or look like. Am I give the right impression? Why do I care so much? “Oh just don’t, it’s so easy” i’m sorry but don’t you think i’ve tried?! I’ve tried so hard not to let my view of myself get in the way of how I act, or how I believe people perceive me. I’ve tried so hard i’m so exhausted. I wish I could cut open my arms and let my emotions flood from the wounds and bleed into every written word because nothing I seem to say truly displays how my heart really feels. Probably because i’m not entirely sure myself. I know it’s a problem, i’m sorry, where is my instruction manual to function like the rest of society? Why is it that I feel i’m doing everything wrong and everyone else has it right? Im not just saying my life sucks and everyone else’s is better, but even the people who have it rougher than me, they seem to know how to live life more efficiently. I kind of just feel like i’m floating through space. I know how to avoid the asteroids- I know what to do right, never do anything wrong- but that’s it. I’m just kind of existing while life happens around me. I am not actually enjoying myself. I smile, I laugh, yes genuinely a lot of the time, but after the fact? What do I do? I’m an awkward little inexperienced girl who has no clue about anything. I feel trapped. I want to shut down but at the same time I know I need to go to college, so I do the bare minimum for A’s, knowing damn well that even if I have good grades, act right, play sports, i’m still not doing enough. Nothing is ever going to be enough. I can want to do something that sounds fleeting in the moment but all motivation is lost when my world feels like it’s crashing down around me. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to like myself. Whatever that means. Whatever any of this means, I truly do not know. I feel like I truly do not know much these days.

I listended to this song called Mind Of Mine by Lo Spirit and It made me cry because the lyrics are so deep and I can relate to them I just wish someone would hold me and say it's ok I am here for you

What is it called when you love someone but the minute they love you back- you back away. Maybe I do this because I’m scared or maybe because I like the chase more than the prize. I don’t know…all I know is that I sabotage myself all the damn time. And I’m tired. I want something serious but that would mean making room for heartache. They say love is worth the pain but how much pain can one handle before breaking? I’ve been cheated on so many times- I’m starting to wonder if I’m cursed y’all.

-Xoxo

I understand why it’s happening, at least somewhat, but I wish other countries would stop blaming all Americans for the actions of Trump. Stop lumping us all in with MAGA and telling us we’re all culpable for them and Trump's cronies.

The children, especially queer children, who couldn’t vote at all are culpable? The lgbtqia2p, disabled and other groups with targets on our backs who kept BEGGING people to vote Kamala are all culpable? Intersex and trans people like myself, attempting to all be wiped out and also tried to warn we were/are the first domino to fall, are culpable? The Indigenous peoples (again like myself) trying to be told we aren’t citizens who may be put in camps are culpable? Etc?

I’ve been trying to get out of here for years, but I was trapped with abusive “family” who pretty much pulled a Disney’s Tangled on me, until 22 or so. I was just getting my life back on track, trying to undo some of the damage from medical neglect/malpractice and get my mental health in order to study abroad, that’s all gone. I won't drone on about that again, I already have two or three posts doing so.

I have no one in my corner in my “home” and now no safer country will likely ever let me flee there. Day by day, the family I'm trapped with, keeps pushing me and my feelings aside. I've been in near constant crisis, yet I'm told I have to think of my cishet mother and brother, their wants and needs. While I am trying to crawl out of the hole I'm trapped in and have been trying to beg for help getting out of, on my own when I really can't for many reasons, I am treated as an evil and selfish bitch for not having "compassion" for people telling me I don't matter and I'm "overreacting." Being "lazy." My brother has also begun copying me in a way that just... Unsettles me. I won't go into too much detail on that, but as a brief summary, he's treated me like garbage all my life for being disabled and queer. Or, just the barest hint of being queer I should say, as spiritual abuse at the hands of family and the like made me hide that DEEP. But, then he began to say I was lucky a few years ago, because I can't work I am privileged. Example one of many. I didn't catch it until I began to notice him copying my stims and things I say about my experiences trying to beg for understanding, but I realized he'd been quizzing me my whole life about my trauma disorders and disablilities. He also tried to gaslight me, tell me things he did to me happened in reverse, I did it to him which is a blatant fucking lie. I'm apparently "mean" for not wanting to forgive or enable him (he's trying to get disability when he's not disabled and blatantly copying me to the point his psych even called it out). He has been watching me closely as I've been so upset, too, and started parroting things I've said. Mimicking the way I CRY (I wish I was exaggerating) and I have some serious concern but no one is listening to me. No one.

No one is listening to me about anything, not about this, not about anything I've been writing here. I’m “not valuable” due to being stunted from abuse, being disabled and chronically ill, lumped in with fascist MAGA despite being number one on their hit list. My family is putting people who abuse me first, my brother like I said, my aunt who tried to exorcise me when I was little. And, you may ask, why don't I just leave? HOW WHEN I WAS DELIBERATELY KEPT FROM KNOWING HOW TO DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, AM POOR AND AM DISABLED (made more so by my father not allowing me to see the doctor among other things when I was still stuck with him... The fact mom rescued me from him makes me feel like shit for being so angry at her which is another can of worms)!? And now, my State Removed my protections as a trans and intersex person from the Civil Rights Act.

I. Am. Trapped. And. No. One. Cares.

Apparently, I'm culpable for my own prison, my own abuse. The terrible things happening all over, I am culpable for, despite being a victim of it all myself. For the targets on my back and others, I'm responsible, when I tried to stop it and make others care enough to help stop it. It just hurts, it’s just scary, and I needed it out somewhere. I never even got to live in the first place and now I’m stuck here like this… I'm sorry I keep ranting here about all the same things, but it's anonymous and I have nowhere else to go to. I have nowhere to go online or in real life and it just makes me want to give up all together.

The fact my story, my pain, all sounds so stupid for someone my age to be writing as well just... I swear I had a plan once upon a time, I was supposed to be something, someone different than this.

I feel like I've stumbled into an alternate reality with this entire ordeal, so I'm reaching out for some perspective from you, internet dwellers.

Here's the situation: My brother, Jake, and I have always had a rocky relationship. When he was younger, he watched a documentary on the impacts of industrial farming and decided to become a vegetarian. That alone wasn't an issue, but he soon started pushing everyone in the family to adopt his dietary choices which quickly became irritating. Thankfully, our dad intervened before it went too far. Later on, Jake went off to university where he got involved with a new crowd and adopted a strict vegan lifestyle, which seemed to consume his whole identity. Our relationship really hit a low point when he made a huge scene over my choice to have a birthday dinner at a steakhouse, flooding my phone and social media with disturbing images of farm animals.

Our parents tried to mend things, and for a while, it looked like Jake was easing up, so I started to let him back into my circle gradually. Then he began seeing Jenna, a vegan influencer. I'm not too familiar with her work, but she seems to have a following online. Jake's behavior changed again, possibly to impress her. Last Thanksgiving, he demanded that our mom prepare a completely vegetarian meal or he and Jenna wouldn't attend, citing 'ethical reasons.' Wanting to keep the peace on her favorite holiday, my mom agreed, but the celebration was far from enjoyable.

This year, my parents moved to a smaller home for their retirement and my mom has been dealing with some health issues. I purchased their old home, and mom asked me to host Thanksgiving to keep the tradition alive. I announced the plans in our family group chat so Jake and Jenna could arrange their travel plans, but Jenna immediately began proposing various vegan alternatives for our traditional recipes. I agreed to try out a main vegan dish they preferred, but I clarified that I intended to prepare the conventional meal as well, ensuring there would still be plenty of options for them. However, Jake and Jenna protested this decision for days, culminating in Jake threatening to skip Thanksgiving if I included meat dishes. This deeply upset my mom, to the point where she asked me to simply replicate last year's menu. I refused, telling her Jake needed to be more accommodating, but it's causing a rift. My dad is on my side, yet he's concerned about the stress this is causing mom, especially considering her health and that these could be some of our last holidays with her. Now, I'm wondering if I'm prioritizing turkey over my family's harmony.

If this were a reality show, I can only imagine the dramatic music and close-ups as everyone waits for me to respond to Jake's ultimatum. Would the audience side with me or see me as the villain for sticking to tradition?

Am I prioritizing turkey over family?

I never thought I’d end up here, but here I am, dreading every single morning when my alarm goes off. I hate my job. There, I said it. I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s just a phase, that everyone feels like this sometimes, but it’s been almost a year, and nothing’s changed. If anything, it’s gotten worse.

The work itself isn’t even that bad. I mean, it’s not what I’m passionate about, but it’s tolerable. The real problem is the people. My boss is one of those micro-managers who has to be involved in every tiny detail. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. I’ll spend hours on a project, only for them to nitpick and make me redo the whole thing for no real reason. It’s exhausting and makes me feel like all my effort is pointless.

Then there’s the office culture—or lack of it. Nobody talks to each other unless it’s about work. Lunch breaks feel like detention, with everyone silently eating at their desks or scrolling through their phones. I tried to make friends when I first started, but everyone already seemed to have their little cliques. After a while, I just gave up.

What really gets to me, though, is the constant pressure. It’s like they expect us to give 110% all the time, but they don’t give anything back. Overtime is practically mandatory, but don’t expect a “thank you” or even acknowledgment for staying late. And forget about a raise or promotion—that’s a pipe dream. It’s hard not to feel bitter when you’re working so hard and getting nothing in return.

I keep telling myself I should just quit, but it’s not that simple. I’ve got bills to pay, and the job market isn’t exactly booming right now. Plus, there’s this tiny voice in the back of my head that keeps asking, “What if the next job is just as bad—or worse?” It’s like I’m stuck in this cycle where I hate my job, but I’m too scared to leave.

Even at home, I can’t seem to escape it. I’m constantly checking emails or stressing about the next deadline. It’s like my job has taken over my entire life, and I don’t know how to take it back. My family keeps telling me to just hang in there, but they don’t understand how draining it is. By the end of the day, I’m too tired to even think about applying for other jobs, let alone pursuing something I actually enjoy.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’s me. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this kind of work. Or maybe I’m being ungrateful because at least I have a job. But then I think about how miserable I am, and I can’t help but feel like there has to be more to life than this. Doesn’t there?

If anyone else feels this way, I’d love to know how you’re coping—or if you’ve managed to get out, how did you do it? Right now, I just feel stuck, and honestly, it’s hard to see a way forward. All I know is, I can’t keep living like this. Something’s gotta give.

I never really thought about this before, but now that I’m reflecting on a lot of my behaviors and what triggers a shopping spree, I noticed I never really feel an urge to shop in person. It’s almost like the instant gratification is something I avoid, because the waiting/tracking makes it more satisfying. I think I’m addicted to the process, really. You see “the” item, it’s perfect, it’s the last thing you’ll need in a while. Actually, it’s the whole outfit you’re iso, I mean the top might not look as good if it wasn’t styled the same way right? This way you can be sure you stop for a while. You scroll for hours and hours finding the perfect item. The hunt has your heart beating just a little faster, you feel good. Along the way you see a couple more items you like, you add it to the bag. You need the perfect top for that event next weekend right? After all, it’s the only thing that would go with what you plan to wear. The total keeps racking up. Unbeknownst to you, because you’re too excited to check or think about exactly how much you’re spending. At this point, you’re beginning to feel a little guilty because you spent a little more than you could afford earlier this week. But that’s okay, because you need more long sleeves for winter right? You’ll get good use out of that extra top. You go to check out, you begin to feel nervous and paranoid about spending the money. This is will be the last time. You hit “checkout”. You’re entering your card information but you’re not really thinking clearly, it hasn’t truly set in. The part of you that wants these items so badly tells you you can’t live without them.

It’s been a couple days, and by now you’ve received your items. You’ve opened them up (or not). Your excitement has kind of fizzled out at this point. You’re happy, but you’re nowhere near as elated as you were when you were checking that tracking number every couple hours.

A day or two goes by, or maybe it was just an hour. you’re scrolling endlessly through social media again, and that’s when you see it. You’ve finally found “The item”.

Then the process repeats itself, and the funny thing is that you’re still convinced you’re going to “quit for good this time”. It’s really an awful cycle!!

I sometimes wonder, what if I was on a reality show about shopping addiction? How would people react to my habits being broadcasted? Would they understand or judge me harshly? It's scary to think about, but maybe it would help me break free from this cycle.

its like no one understands me or my struggles. sounds like im a pick me but its true. ive got no one to talk to, to trust. everyone would tell the nearest asshole about how "emo" i am for my struggles. my country does not take self harm well. youd get called out in your schools hallways or get called emo constantly. most adult tell you youre seeking attention and ignore your struggles. i constantly self harm. it calms me down seeing the blood drip from my arms. i have always loved blood, i dont know why. ive always intentionally made myself bleed to drink it. or just to look at it. maybe its cause my experience with hostpitals from a young age. my sister got terminally sick when i was 5. i was in and out of school to visit her. she went to hostpitals all over the country. my family once forgot me in a hostpital. but ive been there so much that i practically knew my way around. nurses were always sweet and kind. always had a look of pity because of my sister. they knew she would never make it. maybe people would understand a litle if they knew my whole story. but no one ever looks at the big picture. they just look at the ugly parts AND THEN HAVE THE AUDACITY TO JUDGE YOU. i hate people, idc if this gets rejected atleast someone read it if it did.

It all started with a simple text message. You know the kind – a little too casual, maybe a hint of hesitance. Andrew and I had been together for over two years, and though I had felt it was a solid relationship, that day felt different. As I read the words “We need to talk,” a wave of dread washed over me. Have you ever felt that sinking feeling in your stomach, where your mind spirals down a rabbit hole of questions? That's where I was. The ensuing conversation was difficult; he told me he needed space to figure things out, but what I heard was that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The breakup hit me like a freight train, leaving me stunned and shocked. I remember sitting on my bed, staring at the wall while tears streamed down my face, wondering if I could ever get over this.

Friends said it would get better; they all said it. But the truth is, the days that followed felt like I was trapped in a slow-motion movie. I scrolled through every happy photo we had together, replaying every memory in my mind. How could he say he *needed* space? Didn’t he know that my heart was breaking with every word? I became a master at avoiding his social media, though my curiosity clawed at me, demanding to know what he was up to. Have you ever been in that position? When every fiber of your being tells you not to look, but you can’t fight the urge? I stumbled through days that turned into weeks, each one feeling heavier than the last, as the hole in my chest grew bigger with each passing moment.

As the initial shock faded, I began to realize that wallowing in sadness was not getting me anywhere. I reached a point where I started to question what I was truly feeling. Was I heartbroken or just bored with my life? I had spent so much time focused on our relationship that I had lost sight of who I was. So, I decided to make a drastic change: I would go out and *live*. I threw myself into new activities. I took up painting, something I had always been passionate about. I started running, discovering a newfound love for the wind in my hair and the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement. Each mile started to cleanse my mind, allowing me to find clarity. Does anyone reading this relate? When you start finding joy in yourself versus relying on someone else for happiness? It truly felt like I was shedding layers that Andrew’s presence had encapsulated me in.

Weeks turned into months, and surprisingly, I began to feel like I was moving on. I sought out the support of friends who reminded me of the strength I had within me. I surrounded myself with laughter, which eventually drowned out the echo of his voice saying goodbye. But there were still tough days. Moments when I would see a couple holding hands and feel a flash of anger or sadness. I slowly learned to embrace those feelings without letting them crush me. Instead, I’d take a deep breath, let the emotions flow through me, and remind myself that it was okay to grieve, but it was also important to celebrate the small victories. Isn’t it funny how sometimes pain can lead to growth? I've come to understand that sometimes, endings are merely beginnings​ of something even better. That is what I held on to as I took each step forward, no longer just existing but *living*.

Each new encounter, each laugh shared with friends solidified the notion I was learning — love can be beautiful, but the most vital kind of love is the one for yourself. I had become my own best friend and found solace in solitude rather than sadness. I discovered what it was like to smile authentically, unrestrained by the fear of loneliness. Have you ever taken that leap, embraced the unknown, and found a hidden strength? If you’re in a similar place, struggling to get over a breakup, I can't impress upon you enough how worth it is to explore who you are outside of a relationship. It may feel impossible now, but trust me when I say, there’s a whole world out there waiting to be explored. Sometimes, you just have to let go of what’s weighing you down to make room for the beautiful things that life has to offer!

I don't wanna feel a thing. Talking about makes me sick. You've got therapy and I"ve got no regrets. Yesterday I slept till sunset. Woke up on my bedroom floor again. I can't even count on half the people that I call my friends. Rolling through another blackout. I don't gotta act like I'm ok. Everything got better when I realized nothing matters anyway. I don't want your bad advice. Keep that baggage to yourself. I could show the whole world my scars. But that'd probably scare them all away. I would rather take another hit, put on a band-aid. I need help. I NEED HELP. I'm too STUBBORN to ask myself. I'm so tired, I'm unwell. I'm too broken to fix myself...

Don't know how much more I can take

I just know that I need to get better.

yo so i've been thinking a lot about how we all go through these phases in life and dude it really got me reflecting, you know growing up people would be like 'oh you're just being moody because it's that time of the month' or whatever (if you know what i'm talking about) but now being older i actually think there's more to it than just hormones so basically i've come to realize emotions aren't as cut and dry as we'd like them to be. maybe it's not always obvious but they hit you right when you least expect it; it's wild i've also noticed some days feel like i'm floating on air everything clicks work is good friends and family are lovely but then bam next day i'm like questioning my entire existence. and this isn't me exaggerating here: this cycle? it feels kind of like art imitating life where emotions are constantly ebbing flowing. rereading old diaries brings back memories and i find patterns the ones that might've gone unnoticed if i wasn't paying attention.

I want a cat!

I want a CAT!!

I WANT A CAT!!!

But my family is allergic😭!!! Super allergic... Like asthma inducing allergic🥲.

This isn't a deep conversation... Just a hope that when I feel physically better and emotionally better, I can go back to college... Then get a job... Get my own place... And finally have a cat🤩!! But that's gonna take years😭!! I want a cat🫠!

Heyah👋🏻😄!!

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Kittens eat at a different time than the adults, so just be aware that if you go to see the kittens, maybe go when it's not their lunch time... Around 4PM I think is around both the catto's lunch time🤔?

The workers are nice, and there's a revolving door of cats that come and go💞. There are a few permanent cats who aren't up for adoption, but they're super cute too😍!!

My favorite are the 3 kittens as of May 2025. They're the household appliance litter😂!! One is named Microwave, one is named Toaster, and the only Male in that group is named Stove🤣!! There are more kittens, but I didn't really bond with them, as they were getting some eye treatments done at the time👀.

Anyway, that place is filled with furry cuties wanting to be pet and loved🥰!! Kiddos are also allowed near the cats with adult supervision☺️👍🏻✨.

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i swear i dont even know whats wrong with me anymore. i cant stop thinkin about him like all day all night its just him in my head 24/7. like its drivin me crazy. we aint even talkin anymore but i still keep checkin my phone every 5 mins like maybe he’ll text or like maybe he’s thinkin bout me too (even tho i know he probly not). we was never official official but it felt real to me. we had a connection, the way he looked at me, the way we talked for hours, laughin about dumb stuff. nd now? nothin. just silence. nd it hurts more than i thought it would. like why can’t i just move on like a normal person?? why am i still stuck on someone who don’t even care if i’m breathin or not??

my friends keep tellin me to forget him, to block him, delete the pics, all that. nd i tried. for real. i tried to distract myself, go out more, talk to other ppl, even flirt a lil just to see if i could feel somethin again. but i don’t. its like no one hits the same. i see him everywhere too, like songs remind me of him, certain spots in school feel weird without him there. i even wear that hoodie he let me borrow still, even tho i know it’s dumb. nd the worst part? he moved on like it was nothin. he’s talkin to someone else now and actin like i never mattered. like i was just a phase or some fun thing he did for a bit. nd maybe i was. maybe i made it bigger in my head than it really was. but to me, it felt real. nd now i just feel stupid for fallin so hard.

sometimes i cry at night just thinkin bout what i did wrong. was i too much? not enough? did i scare him off by feelin too deep? i replay convos in my head, thinkin what i coulda said diff, what i coulda changed. nd yeah i kno, i shouldn’t blame myself, but how do u not when someone u gave your heart to just lets it go like it was nothin?? he said things that made me think he cared. he looked at me like i was the only person in the room. he made me feel seen, nd now i feel invisible. like i was only temporary. like i’m just another girl he’ll forget soon.

i just want it to stop. the overthinkin, the dreamin bout him, the way my heart still jumps when i see his name pop up somewhere. i wish i could just shut off the part of my brain that still misses him. that still wants him. but i can’t. he’s stuck in me. nd maybe one day i’ll get over it, maybe someone new will make me forget how bad this hurts, but rn? rn it feels like i’m gonna feel this forever. like he broke somethin in me without even tryin. nd he probly don’t even kno. or care. but i do. nd that’s what sucks the most. cuz even if he don’t feel nothin, i still can't stop thinkin bout him. nd i hate that i still want someone who dont want me.