Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

so I've had like problems feeling happy or normal and stuff for like 3 years now, and I think I've finally figured out the root of why I feel like I cant let myself feel happy for too long. I have literally no problems, my parents are the sweetest people in the world, I'm avarge enough looking I shouldn't feel as self conscious as I do, and I have a fair amount of friends and I would definitely have more if I wasnt constantly too tired because just existing without feeling sad is exhausting. I put in probbaly about 80% of my energy just to make myself feel normal daily. my friends ALWAYS feel the need to stop by the bathroom between every clas period so every time i have to see myself compared to them and then hear them say "omg im so ugly" or "my hairs so flat today" and like i know they are allowed to like be self concious too or like just comment stuff about themselves but its so tiering. i cant walk properly in the hallways because i feel too tense and overthink how to walk wayy too much. i like compulsivly run my hands through my hair, espcially when im nervous, and ik it probably looks weird bc i do it so much but it stopped being about fixing my hair and now its like somthing i need to do otherwise i will get too tense or smthn it just feels horribly uncomfertable if i dont do it when i need to. so anyways I've noticed that whenever I wake up I'm in a certain mood and that will be my mood for the day almost no matter what. like it could be a pretty good day but if I wake up in a bad mood it might be ruined. like, its not even what other people do or what happening in my life, I have NO REASON to be sad enough to want to kill myself. now right now I don't want to but what's kinda weird is two days ago I was literally planning it, like my mood changes so fast. I have trouble planning things because I never know what mood I will be in, and so it ruins my productivity and I literally have to like wait for a feel good day because i litterally cannot concentrate on anything. i skip meals alot too, but never because i think im fat i know i dont have like anorexia or somthing like that but even if im like REALLY hungry and i have food that would not be that bad if i have to like get up to get it or ask for somthing, ill just choose to starve. like and other times ill have food and i just wont want to eat it. i feel like if i acc want to eat a decent meal i need to enjoy the food, and if im just eating because im hungry i wont eat. the problem is i just end up fasting till the end of the schoolday after eating nothing at all. like i will acc go an entire day with no food, and just eat dinner when i get home. idk if im just lazy or picky or somthing but my friends kinda commented on it and i was wondering if i should be like, worried about it? because i know running off of no food all day cant be good for you, but i feel like i have to like force myself to eat somtimes. i honestly kinda enjoy the feeling of being hungry at this point? like idk what that means but like i would prefer that to being full. another thing is i feel like even when i eat like a ton of food i never get full? like i feel hungrier after somtimes. i think that might be why i prefer to starve instead of eat and feel hungrier too ig. besides food, i will straight up ignor homeowork i know im gonna get in serious trouble for not doing, and that honestly seems kinda normal but i feel like alot of times i will just choose to suffer even if its a super easy fix to make myself feel better. so ive been wondering if maybe the reason i dont get better is because its not anything around me i need to fix, its because im constantly sabatoging myself. i was curious what you guys would think, becuase i honestly dont know where to go from here. im not like sad right now but my life is very reppetative and i know there are so many things i could do to make it better but i just dont. i really hope im not just lazy but if you think i am please give advice idk whats going on😭. so anyways thanks for reading this huge rant

ok whatever im just gonna say it bc it’s eating me alive

there’s this new girl in our class and idk what it is about her but she just walked in and everything shifted like she doesn’t even do anything she’s just THERE and everyone likes her. like for no reason. like she breathes and people are like omg she’s so cool. why. idk. she’s just that type

and ofc my crush who ive liked since like forever is now dating her bc of course he is. he used to talk to me a lot and now he’s always around her like following her around and laughing at everything she says and they have this whole thing now and i just sit there like 🙂👍

and the teachers too. they used to come to me for everything. all the responsibility stuff. like being class rep, helping plan things, helping other students. now they go to her. suddenly she’s the one everyone depends on and listens to and im just here like a background character in my own class. it’s like no one even noticed the switch. not even me. it just… happened

but here’s the worst part i CANT even be mad at her. bc she’s actually really really nice. like painfully nice. i was crying in the bathroom once and she literally waited outside until i came out and then she just hugged me and didn’t even ask anything. another time i didn’t have pads and she just handed me one silently like she knew without me saying a word. and when i skipped school she gave me these notes that were like?? perfect??? she literally wrote them in different colours and put small tips on the side and was like “tell me if anything doesn’t make sense”

she helped one of my friends through a breakup, helped another study for a test they were failing, she even gave her umbrella to someone last week when it rained and walked home soaked and didn’t even mention it again

everyone loves her and i get it. i really do. i love her too in the weirdest way like i want to be mad but she’s just so genuinely kind and i feel horrible for feeling this way but i do. i feel like im being erased. like everything i used to be good at is hers now. people used to come to me. now they don’t even look twice.

i was top of the class. she is now.

i used to be the one who helped. she is now.

and maybe it’s not her fault. maybe it’s mine. maybe i got too comfortable or too tired or too slow or idk. i just feel like i’m disappearing a bit more every day and nobody notices. not even me. until now.

but i swear to god im not gonna keep sitting here crying about it and pretending im fine. i’m done being quiet. done being small. i don’t hate her. but im not gonna let her take everything from me just bc i was too afraid to speak up

im coming back. slowly or loudly idk yet. but i am.

that’s it. idk why i wrote this here. just needed to say it somewhere.

For starters, hubby and I come from different backgrounds/cultures.

We had another baby about six months ago. After a few weeks, my in-laws came (from out of town; ~500miles away) to help out. They were great with the other kids: did school drop off and pick ups, went to the playground, read them books, etc. Since it wasn’t my first, I recovered better and felt pretty good. We discussed cooking schedules and I offered a few meals here and there. The visit was a success and they went home.

They decided to come back two months later since the kids had school events they wanted to see plus they could keep helping. No biggie. We welcomed them with open arms. It should be said that they brought their RV and stayed in that during their stays. We have enough space on our property and it’s not in the way by any means.

This visit was rougher. I will admit, communication was not as explicit as their first visit.

They weren’t taking the kids to school! I got everyone ready the first morning and even said “Ok, you guys are ready for school! Have a fun day!” In-laws were sitting in the living room reading books to the younger kids. I know they would have heard me. The last visit, Gpa would be waiting with keys in hand while I finished brushing hair and then walk everyone out. Not this time. He just sat there watching the little kids. I started doing the dishes bc I figured they would leave soon. After about five minutes, I realised “they aren’t going to take them, are they? I will have to take them.” I stopped washing the dishes and called out “ok time to go. In the van everyone.” Sure enough, gpa and gma were like “bye kids. Have a great day. See you this afternoon.” Since I hadn’t expected to leave, the baby was still asleep and I asked if they could just keep an ear out for the baby. They said, ”Actually, we’re going out for a coffee.” So, no. After wrangling all the kids into the van, I had to come back for the baby and put them in the van. Needless to say, the school kids were late. I had to get everyone out of the van, strap in baby, wrangle toddlers and guide the older two to the office then their classroom then back to van. I returned home. After about ten minutes, I get a text my MIL “We’re at [this cafe]. Join us after drop off.” That sounded lovely and nice but I was already home and baby back in the crib. I turned it down with a frown.

Fast forward. I’m doing all the dropping off and picking up with ALL my kiddos! But tell you what, we weren’t tardy anymore! 😩I’m having to cook every other day. Well, the cooking wasn’t terrible but the time when I had to start cooking was stressful bc they “eat by a certain time. Can’t sleep otherwise.” This visit was more of a vacation for them and more work for us this time around. I think they spent like 30 minutes reading books and playing with the kids and then it was “going for a coffee” or “going to lunch” or “we’re tired. Going to rest see you at dinner”. Every day. I won’t go into their comments. Not derogatory, just like “oh this is so nice and relaxing“ and I’m over here on my last thread!!!

Second trip was zero helping! They watched the kids for a short bit and we wouldn’t see them until after school and then dinner. The kids were always asking where Gpa and Gma were. I just had to say they went to their RV to sleep. We’ll see then at dinner. Poor kids just wanted their fun grandparents.

Thinking back. That trip was frustrating bc the kids wanted to see them and spend time with them and they wouldn’t stay in the house long enough. I know they are “old” and have the prerogative to rest. So why plan a trip you can’t handle? Stay home and rest. Don’t come and get the grandkids all riled up and not spend time with them. That’s what upset me. Do and say what you want to me but spend time with the grandkids!!

This one will be short.

In preschool... They say it gets better in elementary school.

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It doesn't😑.

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In elementary school... They say it gets better in middle school/junior high.

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It doesn't😑.

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In middle school/junior high... They say it gets better in high school.

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It doesn't😑.

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In high school... They say it gets better in community college.

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It doesn't😑.

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In community college... They say it gets better at University.

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It doesn't😑.

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They say it gets better once you start working after college.

...

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I honestly don't know if it does... But if my track record is the same... Then...

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It doesn't😑.

But that could just be me... I'm happy and jealous of all those who are successful in the school and career lives!! Hats off to ya! A round of applause! Wolf whistle in the back!

...

I sad🥲.

I’m a 16 year old that is going through a tough time. I’m currently experiencing immense and persistent feelings if stress,guilt,frustration,shame,sadness,hopelessness,worthlessness,disgustand anger. I’m also suicidal,self loathing and experiencing low self-esteem,low self-worth, and the desire to have not been born/ exist. Most of these feelings I am experiencing because of some awful mistakes I did when I was younger especially when I was 12. The awful mistakes I made are related to sexual behavior and I feel like what I did is illegal. I am constantly being tormented by remembering these awful mistakes. I am avoidant to taking accountability because I am scared I am scared of my future, I am scared of possibly not achieving my dreams of becoming an astronomer, and I’m scared of losing ny friends and family. I feel like a fake person and a hypocrite I act completely different on the outside but on the inside it’s a completely different story. I feel the need to distance my self from everyone and cut off friends. I don’t want to pose any unnecessary harm by continuing the relationships I have with my loved ones. I feel undeserving of the friends I have and the relationships I have with my family.i don’t deserve any support I don’t deserve sympathy,empathy, or care. I feel disgusted just thinking about how my friends and family have a relationship with a disgusting person like me, and I feel like Ive ruined my life and that there is no redemption for me. I constantly create scenarios in my head of going to juvie or losing friends and family. I hate myself so much for doing those acts so much I feel like I deserve all of this pain and suffering. I don’t want to accept myself let alone consider myself a functioning member of society. I am an outcast now. I constantly ask myself “why did I do that?” “Why couldn’t I have been a normal 12 year old? “why did I have to act like an irrational animal?“ I wish I could go back in time and made better decisions. I am constantly worrying about other people’s thoughts about me too if my past mistakes were to come to life. I worry if they would be sympathetic or not. I worry if I will be disliked by others and hated. I haven’t told anyone about this irl as I am scared to have a scary conversation about it and I am scared of the situation getting worse.

I moved across the country to be with someone let everyone I know behind. Everything was perfect when we were long distant. We would talk everyday, FaceTime all day. Then after I moved it just seemed to stop. It’s the little things I miss. The good morning texts, the kisses goodbye of I’m sleeping and they have to work. Sending TikTok’s all day . All of it just stopped and o feel like I’m just being dumb.. like that stuff shouldn’t matter, but.. done some reason it does to me.

Soo, I have digital photo class for my final I have to submit photos, whatever, I pick my sister as my model.. Today, was a busy day, so I decided to take pictures outside @ 8 pm. I’m always aware of my surroundings, checking every car that drives past as I hide my camera( don’t wanna get mugged🙄🙄) but this guy drives past and I can sense he stopped by not looking and all I hear is “period bitch” trying to be cheeky and stuff. mind you my sister is 13. And it might sound like a compliment but it was uncomfortable for her. He probably thought she was older. But I’m just sharing this bc I need to get it off my chest. I told my mom and her she was like “that’s why I didn’t want yall outside” should’ve taken her word. But for me I think this just a trauma thing for me. I seen women get catcalled online or either in person. And it has taking a toll on what I dress, not liking tight shirts and stuff, thinking it was drawing attention which it shouldn’t.. (for anyone wondering why I took pictures outside late was bc of my theme for my photo, Polaroid nostalgia)

I recently celebrated my high school graduation, which should have been an incredible milestone. My mother, keen on commemorating the occasion, organized a party in June. However, my mom's side of the family, particularly her relationship with her sister, is quite strained. This tension has repeatedly placed me in the awkward position of being my mom's main source of emotional support during family gatherings.

At my party, instead of enjoying the event with friends and relishing the moment, I found myself embroiled in family drama. My mom constantly pulled me aside to comment on my aunt's demeanor, alleging she seemed "jealous" or "disinterested." This not only dampened the festive spirit for me but also kept me from fully engaging with friends and other guests. The joy of my graduation was overshadowed by an air of unease that my mom projected as she fretted over possible confrontations or remarks from her sister.

Looking ahead, another family function is on the horizon, and my mom has already set the expectation for me to be her emotional pillar once more. She reminded me, "You know how these things go, I need you there." This time, however, I decided to stand my ground. I expressed my unwillingness to partake in the ongoing drama between her and her sister, emphasizing my desire to enjoy such events without being caught in their longstanding feud. This did not sit well with her, and she accused me of being selfish and ungrateful, especially after the graduation party she hosted—which, ironically, she spoiled with her behavior.

Now, we're not really speaking, and to complicate matters, my aunt texted to advise me to be more lenient with my mom due to her emotional struggles. While I understand the complexities of their relationship and my mom's feelings, I am frustrated and exhausted from being placed consistently in the middle of their issues.

If my life were part of a reality show, viewers might be divided. Some might sympathize with my plight of being thrust into adult conflicts, while others might argue that familial loyalty should prevail, compelling me to support my mom despite the personal toll it could take. It's curious to consider where public opinion would lean and whether the heightened visibility would amplify the family drama or encourage quicker resolutions.

Am I wrong for refusing to serve as my mom's support in these family dynamics, despite her feeling abandoned by me, or is it reasonable to protect my own emotional well-being during such gatherings?

Help me out please. My mom told my siblings that my brother is her favourite child and my sister is my dad's favourite child, we are three siblings and I’m the middle child… how am i supposed to feel? My siblings were hiding this from me cause they thought I would get really hurt (which is true). I mean I always suspected it cause my siblings used to get bypass about stuffs which I couldn’t / still can’t do like going out somewhere, going to the gym (literally), staying out late or when I was the only one who was obliged to do chores.

I’m confused cause my parents always said I would be the one to take care of them in future or my mom literally said I am like her “mom” after my grandmother passed away. Not that I want favouritism in my side,I want my parents to love us equally. How am I supposed to feel? It is true I wasn’t that good in school and I didn’t go to abroad for higher studies like my sister due to financial reasons, is that it? But I am trying really hard now… my parents don’t even have to pay for my tuition so how and where am I disappointing them? I’m confused about how to feel about this now that I heard it from my two trusted people.

It’s kind of stupid. I don’t even really know how to say it, or why I feel the need to throw it out here. But here I am.

Today’s my ex’s birthday.
We broke up over two years ago. We were together for four. And still, every damn year, May 16th hits me like a total bitch.

I try to carry on like it’s a normal day, but it’s not. It never is. I close my eyes and she’s *right there*. The memories come rushing back before I can stop them. Not really the good ones, even though there were a few, but mostly the bad. The heavy. The ones that never really let go.

It was the worst relationship of my life. I’m really not exaggerating it. I’m won’t get into the details—this isn’t the place, and honestly, I don’t want to go back there more than I already am. But it was toxic. Emotionally violent. Draining in ways I still don’t have words for.
And yet—part of me is *still* stuck there. Still trapped in a past I hate with every part of me.

I’ve tried to move forward. Tried to rebuild. And on the outside, it looks like I have. I’m stronger now. Sharper. She’s been gone from my life for ages; we don’t talk, we don’t see each other, we live in different worlds.
But today, I can’t fake it. I can’t pretend May 16th doesn’t mean something. That it doesn’t *still* mess me up.

I hate feeling this way. This ugly, twisted mix of pain, nostalgia, and quiet anger I don’t know where to put. It makes no sense. I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want it. I don’t *deserve* it.
But it’s here. So I’m saying it. Because maybe it’ll helps.
Maybe dragging this invisible weight into the light makes it just a little easier to carry.

2/2/25 2:19pm TW: TALK OF SELF HARM

"I feel when i question my skin starts to burn"

"why does my skin start to burn?"

fable - Gigi Perez

I've always struggled with self imagine, how to deal with my emotions and express them in

a healthy way.

Growing up i never viewed myself as beautiful and if i did it was cause i had a full face.

Growing up i never viewed my body as beautiful either.

I learned to starve myself, but why the effort if i was going to binge? but than again i was bulimic.

I fell in love with self imagine at roughly 8? sexualizing myself to get a chance at some sort of affection

"do you send?"

It felt good to be validated to dress cute, to be looked at...they paid attention even seemed to care.

Growing up my mom was an addict, she'd often choose her male partners over me, never cared about how i myself fell into addiction, how i was struggling to keep it together everyday.

I means you told me yourself you knew i was dabbling in drugs, hurting myself...hurting.

My dad had passed on earlier in my life so it was me and my half siblings.

I've come accustomed to being alone, I've grow comfortable with my own presence.

I can grow "lonely" often times, but I'd probably use the word yearning, yearning for connection more like conversation.

I often avoid people, groups, it doesn't really matter i just often seclude myself as much as possible, its like a back and forth battle between being alone and needing a spirit, in the end I'm usually alone by choice of course..

I found myself changing my appearance every week, my hair, makeup, style, opinions occasionally personality.

i wish i could explain myself fully, thoroughly, i need to be understood at least once i need to be heard even seen.

Eventually i thought i had tried everything, and well of course i wasn't satisfied i will never be. I'd learned what self harm was and so i had began from fifth grade to last year, I'm proudly clean though its a daily struggle to push the thoughts and urges away, I'm clean.

To feel the blade against my skin, the world seem comfortably quiet as my heart slows and my worries fade until due time.

I fallen in love with the pain the beauty of my scars. Actively engaging in self harm while being surrounded by people struggling with the same issue was difficult, i felt competitive and envious of people who had "better look scars" than mine, deeper ones, i wanted so badly to be validated to be loved thoroughly.

When i think back to those years i feel overwhelming with sorrow, i wish i had a me those years ago i needed me more than i needed anybody and yet all i could offer myself was cruel treatment and hurtful words. i didn't think I'd make it to 18, yet here i am in the flesh.

I have grown so much as a spirit and yet the only person who may care, who fully knows is me. Sometimes i forget I'm somebody too a being with opinions, motives, thoughts, and feelings.

I'm learning how to love what i see to accept it...me utterly.

I've developed a mindset, i have no competition, not in a "everyone else is ugly" type of way but i simply have no one to compare myself to.

On another note not only have i grown, so has me and my moms relationship, it started with her getting clean.

Struggling with family basically...

I hate being an elder daughter who's supposed to be the 'perfect' child.

I need to get the best grades, but it's tiring and exhausting now.

Nobody really tries to understand MY point of view.

My mother is too stubborn and strict. She gets mad and disappointed if I don't get the perfect marks. She pretends to be caring, but indirectly shows her disappointment in me. Worst of all, I can't vent to my friends because I don't want to burden them when they're dealing with their own problems.

Also, I need to be that role model for my younger sibling. I can't afford any mistakes.

I'm the child that my parents don't love. My younger sibling is the favorite. I love my little sibling, but I want the same love too. I just want my parents to be proud of me, for once. To tell me that my efforts are enough.

My brain tells me I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve to be happy. It has been like this for a long time. I know its not rational but it doesn't stop it from feeling true and interfering with my life. For example, I impulsively subscribed to a dating app, I guess because I was lonely and wanted a connection. Anyway I've started chatting to this guy who is really lovely. The healthy and rational part of me would like to see where this goes, but my brain is telling me I don't deserve to be a relationship so I should break it off. I think soon I'm going to break and just ruin this opportunity for myself. I guess its also unfair of me to begin dating when I'm still struggling with this thought process. Plus I have hated myself for as long as I can remember, and as the saying goes, you can't expect someone to love you when you can't love yourself. I don't know what to do.

How wrong is it to want to write a book about your family without making it obvious?

My boss tends to scold me on our workplace group chat. I try to just learn from the experience but it has been challenging because most of the time it is just about little things. I would really appreciate the decorum to just be civil (boss is not saying bad words when im called out) but just scolds me (you can read it in the tone of the message). I do not want to talk to her about it coz I do not want the conflict and she does tend to explode.