Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I'm feeling a little bit sad because I'm messing all my progress with my healthy life style. I mean no junk food, go to the gym and all that stuff. I don't drink neither smoke since always because I don't like it so in that stuff I'm more than fine at least. I was doing it really great. But since june I've been eating a lot of junk food and not doing any kind of exercise and I'm truly disappointed with myself. I made a big promise and I don't wanna break it. I know can do better than this.

Growing up, I always thought being part of a group meant you’d never feel lonely. But even when I’m surrounded by people—at work, with friends, or even family gatherings—I can’t shake the feeling that I’m on the outside looking in. It’s not like anyone is outright mean or tells me I don’t belong. It’s more subtle than that, but it hurts all the same.

Take last weekend, for example. A group of friends from work decided to get together for dinner. We’ve been working on the same team for years, and I thought I was close to them. But when I showed up, it felt like I was invisible. They were laughing about inside jokes, swapping stories from a night out I wasn’t part of, and talking about upcoming plans I hadn’t even heard about. I smiled, nodded, and pretended it didn’t bother me, but by the end of the night, I couldn’t wait to leave. The ride home was the worst. All I could think about was why they hadn’t thought to include me before—or why I couldn’t seem to fit in no matter how hard I tried.

It’s the same story with my family sometimes. During holiday dinners, my siblings will chat about things they’ve done together—movie nights, road trips, little moments I wasn’t a part of. It’s not like they’re trying to exclude me, but I always end up feeling like an afterthought. Even when I try to join the conversation, it doesn’t take long before it drifts back to something I can’t relate to. I sit there, smiling politely, feeling more and more like I don’t belong.

What’s frustrating is that I’ve tried so hard to be part of things. I’ve reached out, suggested plans, and done everything I can to show that I want to be included. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, I feel like I’m forcing myself into spaces where I’m not really wanted. And that feeling of not being wanted? It’s worse than being alone.

i’ve started to wonder if it’s something about me that pushes people away. Am I too quiet? Too awkward? Or maybe I just don’t have that magnetic personality some people seem to have—the kind that draws others in effortlessly. I wish I knew the answer because, honestly, I’m tired of feeling like this.

At work, it’s even harder. I see coworkers chatting easily during breaks, planning lunch together, or sharing little moments that bring them closer. Meanwhile, I’m sitting there, trying not to look like I care too much while eating lunch alone at my desk. It’s not like I expect to be everyone’s best friend, but being left out all the time feels like a constant reminder that I’m just... different.

I try to remind myself that it’s not always personal. People get busy.. They form closer bonds with certain people for no particular reason. But logic doesn’t make the sting any less real when you’re scrolling through social media and see the photos of the dinner you weren’t invited to, the group trip you didn’t even know about, or the inside joke you’re not in on.

The worst part is how isolating it feels. You want to talk to someone about it, but how do you say, “I feel left out,” without sounding overly sensitive or needy? Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this loop of pretending it doesn’t bother me while quietly wishing things were different.

I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Plenty of people have probably felt left out at one time or another. But when it happens again and again, it starts to feel like a pattern you can’t break. I keep telling myself that I need to focus on the people who do make me feel included and the moments where I genuinely belong, but it’s easier said than done.

I don’t have a neat ending to this story because it’s something I’m still figuring out. Some days, I feel hopeful—like maybe I’ll find my place, my people, and everything will click. Other days, it’s harder, and the loneliness feels heavier. But if there’s one thing I’m learning, it’s that belonging isn’t always about fitting perfectly into someone else’s group. Sometimes, it’s about creating your own space where you feel seen and valued.

So, here’s to figuring it out—one awkward moment, one brave step at a time. If you’ve ever felt like this, just know you’re not alone. And maybe, just maybe, the people who matter most are waiting to find us, too.

i've been wondering why tears flow when I'm boiling with anger. it seems counterproductive, right? you’d expect steam, not water, when someone’s fuming. emotions like anger and sadness seem poles apart, yet they intertwine in the strangest way. is it the autonomic nervous system playing tricks, or a spillover from some emotional reservoir? ever screamed into a pillow and ended up sobbing?

think about cortisol—the stress hormone. when you’re angry, cortisol levels spike, and adrenaline kicks in. your heart races and your muscles tense. but then the tears come, almost as if your body’s betraying you. perhaps it’s a mechanism to signal distress. some experts suggest crying during anger can be a "safety valve" to prevent an emotional explosion. makes sense, doesn’t it? but why must it involve the humiliation of public tears?

i remember a situation at work, where a colleague's dismissiveness lit the fuse of my temper. suddenly, tears welled up against my will, in front of everyone! i felt mortified. one might argue it's part of "emotional intelligence," our body’s way of soliciting support by displaying vulnerability. yet, in that boardroom, did i really want vulnerability over asserting my point? and what about you? have you been caught in a swirl of emotions, with your tear ducts betraying your steely exterior?

there's a notion that crying serves as a cathartic release, purging pent-up emotions. it’s akin to rebooting a system overloaded by a whirlwind of feelings. so maybe, just maybe, those tears during a fury aren't enemies but allies pushing towards equilibrium. despite this understanding, it still feels like a betrayal in moments needing strength over softness. would it be different if society viewed emotional tears as strength rather than weakness? maybe the real question is not just why we cry when mad, but how do we learn to accept it?

My husband and I have been married for three years. From our dating days, his mother, Julia, would often sneer at me and our relationship with her son, Daniel. The day we first met, she inquired about my hometown and upon my response, dismissively remarked, "We don't take kindly to people from there." As time progressed, Julia critiqued Daniel for the flowers he bought for me, ridiculed our date nights, and even attempted to sideline me during family gatherings by insisting they were for 'family only.' When Daniel and I went on vacations, she bombarded him with calls and messages, questioning why he hadn't checked on her or fabricating crises. Daniel often downplayed her actions by saying he had become accustomed to her manipulative behavior.

Over our three years of dating, Julia started to soften her approach towards me. It was an unexpected shift, and though skeptical, I was relieved to see less confrontation. When we got engaged, the proposal filled us with joy. However, telling Julia resulted in a scornful glare directed at me, followed by an accusation towards Daniel for not informing her first. Post-engagement, we reduced our interactions with her considerably.

As we began planning our wedding, Julia's attitude took a harsh turn as she sent extensive messages full of scorn and allegations to both Daniel and myself. She accused me of being disliked and Daniel of selfishness for proceeding with a wedding she disapproved of. Pushed to his limit, Daniel confronted her, stating that continuing this behavior would lead to us cutting off all contact. In response, she resorted to spreading falsehoods among her family and even doctored text messages, painting Daniel and me in a negative light. This resulted in his family siding with her and choosing to skip our wedding. The truth about her deception surfaced after our wedding when Daniel’s sister began to question inconsistencies in Julia’s stories. Eventually, the extended family learned about the manipulation and approached Daniel seeking reconciliation, which was challenging due to the depth of their betrayal. Since then, we have completely ceased contact with Julia.

Recently, I encountered her at a store. She approached me, attempting to engage in casual conversation. I sternly told her, "Just so we're clear, you and Daniel have been nonexistent to me for three years. That's not going to change, so stop talking to me." She was visibly upset and left immediately. Following this, Daniel's family has been urging us to forgive her, labeling me harsh and condemning my inability to forgive a mistake that happened three years ago.

Imagine if this drama unfolded on a reality show! The tension would certainly capture the audience's attention, sparking debates among viewers about whether my confrontation with Julia was justified or overly harsh. The intense family dynamics and the pivotal store confrontation would potentially be pivotal episodes that highlight the struggle between personal boundaries and family pressure to reconcile.

Am my being too unforgiving toward Julia?

I stop using this kinds of sites 2 years ago coz it will just hint you down like plague. There's no assurance that the person I am crazy I love with posted those heartfelt posts. I also have a playlist for him only lmao. The only thing that stops me from pursuing this connection ( hey I'm a girl) is that he rejected me upfront. End. That was my sign to move on. Then two years later I see this post on some site with MY NAME on it telling me he loved me last post was last year. Fck man.. I tried to move on. I also fell in love with a man I just saw from a chat group. He was an expert on this tech stuff as well that's why I being so low-key about all this sht. That was my way of moving on BUT FCK you guys for not telling your feelings to me upfront then ask why I didn't tell you my feelings I am a girl you should be the ONE telling me how you feel not the other way around!!!!!!! I don't care if you u got jailed or something that's why u disappeared!!!! So here goes I am in love with the people who doesn't tell me how they feel hahahahahahhah. FML. I still feel good that they make an effort to track me down and sht. Like if you only knew how I felt about you would u be happy? If you only knew that if you just said how you feel about me I would so somersaults and backflips. to whoever you are don't be jealous I am still 100% single obviously goddamn.

Eversince i started middle school my mom has been so harsh on me. i mean I get it, its to get ready for the future, but that doesn't mean calling me a biatch, saying to go fock yourself, I wish you were never born, I wish you weren't a burden, I wish you knew how to say sorry, I wish I knew, I wish I could actually, I wish to die. I just WISH I can actually learn to love, to accept, to learn to say sorry, to just restart. Im sorry mom, I wish I listened to you earlier, I don't want our relationship like this, I don't want my mom to not care for me anymore, I want to have the relationship were mom and daughter are bestfriends, I'm sorry for this, I wish... I just wish, i wish i was never born so i wouldn't be a burden, i just wish wish wish, I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense

i hate that i still think about him every damn day. like seriously, what the actual hell is wrong with me?? it’s been almost a year now, and yet my brain still plays back the same damn memories like a broken-ass record. we broke up for good reasons—he was selfish, emotionally unavailable, and let’s be real, kinda manipulative—but here i am, stuck on this dude like he was the love of my damn life. i know better!! i tell myself all the time that it’s not love anymore, it’s just habit, it’s just comfort, blah blah blah, but none of that seems to help when i see something that reminds me of him and i instantly feel like shit. and what pisses me off the most is that he’s probably doing great, not even sparing me a single thought, while i’m out here spiraling over some random t-shirt he left at my place or that stupid playlist we used to drive around to. 😒

i’ve tried everything. blocking him didn’t help, just made me feel more pathetic because i still checked his socials through a fake account. going out with friends works... for like five minutes until someone mentions his name or something vaguely related and boom, my brain’s back in hell. even dated other guys and guess what? they all felt like filler characters in a story that’s already ended. like i was just going through the motions. one of them even told me i wasn’t really present and yeah, no shit dude. i’m trying but it’s like i’m stuck in emotional cement. and don’t get me wrong, i don’t miss how he made me feel like i was never enough or the stupid games he played when he was “too busy” to call. i miss the small, dumb shit like how he always brought me red bull without asking or how he said my name when he was half asleep. isn’t that just sick?? how can i know someone’s bad for me and still crave their attention like some love-starved idiot???

so yeah, tell me this—why the f*ck can’t i get over him?? is there some switch i forgot to flip? am i broken or just brainwashed from being treated like trash for so long that now i think it’s the norm? i try to analyze it, journal it, scream it into a pillow, and nothing changes. maybe i’m just terrified that no one else will get me the way he did... even if the “getting me” part came with a truckload of emotional damage. maybe it’s not really about him at all, maybe it’s about how i felt when i was with him—like i mattered, like someone chose me, even if he dropped me just as quick. i don’t know. all i know is this mess inside my chest won’t go away and i’m tired of pretending like i’m fine. if you’ve been through this—how the hell did you finally let go??? 💔

People always say kindess is the most important thing, like if you be nice to people, good things come back to you. But honestly, I don’t know if that’s true anymore. I used to think it was, used to try real hard to always be the "good" person, the one who helps, the one who listens, the one who puts others first. And what do I get for it? Nothing. People just take what they want from you and then leave when they don’t need you no more. Like, I lost count of how many times I’ve been there for someone, helped them through something, only for them to forget I even exist once their life gets better. And it’s not like I expect a prize or anything, but damn, would it kill people to actually appreciate it? To remember?

I had this friend, right? She was going through a real bad time, like everything in her life was a mess. I was there for her every day, texting, calling, going over to her place, making sure she was okay. I did everything I could to help her. And she always said, "I don’t know what I’d do without you," "You’re the only one who actually cares." Made me think, yeah, maybe this time it’s different. Maybe this time someone actually values me. But guess what? The second things got better for her, she found new friends, started dating someone, got her life together, and just… forgot about me. Like I was just a tool she needed for that one chapter of her life. And that’s not even the first time it happened.

So what’s the point? Why should I keep trying to be nice, keep showing up for people when it never gets me anywhere? Sometimes I think maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m too stupid to see that the world doesn’t work like that. People don’t actually care about kindess, they just take what they need from whoever’s willing to give it. And then I look around, and I see all these selfish people, the ones who don’t care about anyone but themselves, and they’re the ones who actually seem happy. They do whatever they want, say whatever they want, and people still like them. Meanwhile, the ones who actually try to be good just end up getting used.

And don’t even get me started on how people treat kindness like weakness. If you’re too nice, too giving, people just assume they can walk all over you. At work, I tried to be the person who helped everyone, covered shifts, did favors, always said yes. And you know what happened? People just started expecting it. No one actually asked me anymore, they just assumed I’d do it. The second I said no to something, they acted all shocked, like I was suddenly a different person. And it made me realize, people don’t respect kindess. They use it.

Maybe I sound bitter, maybe I am. But I’m just tired of always being the one who cares more. Of always giving and never getting. Of always being the backup plan, the emotional support, the nice one. Because at the end of the day, kindess don’t get you love. It don’t get you respect. It just gets you taken for granted. And honestly? I don’t wanna live like that anymore.

dunno who else to turn to for this, so hello online community!

let's call this friend H. i consider H a very close friend of mine. we've both been in the same boarding school, and i've been friends with her for the past 3 years. we always get roomed together so that's how we eventually started bonding. but she gets in these emotional moods sometimes and tends to take her feelings out on me.

it ranges from getting mad at me for the littlest things to full on ghosting me for days straight. the most recent one was, honestly, partially my fault, but in my opinion i didn't even do anything that bad. so we were the only ones in our dorm bathroom at the time, along with two of our other friends. it was late at night and H wanted to take a shower. i wanted to scare her and pretended like my friends and i left the bathroom, so we all stayed quiet while she was showering. she did call out to us multiple times, but she was laughing and giggling so i assumed that H knew that we were still in the bathroom and was playing along with the joke.

when H opened the shower door, she was still laughing with us. it was only until we entered the dorm that she suddenly started crying, putting on her clothes aggressively and then leaving, slamming the door shut. H called her mom right after that using a public phone and began to complain and rant about my 'terrifying' joke. we haven't spoken since, because i'm not going to apologize over something that was supposed to be a joke.

other than this, H has also snapped at me at random times, and by snapping, i mean screaming at me, shouting at me, randomly crying and telling me that i was 'bullying her' even though all i did was joke about how she sometimes slept too late at night or stayed in the shower for too long. perhaps my jokes were a bit mean, but i think H didn't need to yell about how i was 'such a bitch' and how she hated me for bullying her in front of all our friends just because i commented that she woke up late that morning. if H was really bothered with my jokes, why didn't she talk to me about it instead of screaming at me for it? H also confuses me because one day, she'll join in on the jokes and laughs along too, or makes a joke about me in return (which i don't mind, of course) but the day after that she'd be telling me that i'm a terrible friend for joking about her.

not only that, H complained to all my other friends about how 'mean' i was being, and 'cried' to them (it's not really crying because there's no tears coming out of her eyes but she makes weird sobbing sounds, so) about all my cruel and evil 'jokes'. i'm tired of being her villain. H knows i have issues with arguments that involve screaming because i had a bad childhood and i prefer arguments being settled through talking and communication rather than shouting, but she still yells and screams at me and doesn't apologize when i tell her it makes me scared and i want her to communicate in a calmer way. i also have issues with tone, and i have a hard time trying to figure out her emotions and stuff, so it really makes me feel sad when she accuses me of not trying harder to understand her.

her anger issues have taken such a toll on me for the past years we've been friends. i don't know how to tell her about my feelings without ticking her off and making her cry. i don't want to seem like more of a bad person to all our other friends, and i'm tired of being her scapegoat all the time. i'm so done with her just giving me the silent treatment without even trying to talk to me about what i did that made her angry. i'm so done with her just snapping at me angrily and not apologizing for it while i have had to apologize to her thousands of times for a small, petty joke. i don't know what else to do. i don't want to lose our friendship but i also feel like if this goes on for any longer i might go crazy lol

well, here i am, 39 years old, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondering why the heck i just can't seem to muster the energy to get out of bed. the relentless demands of family life have started to weigh me down, and the worst part is, it feels like no one notices. my three children, as much as i love them to pieces, are like tiny CEOs of their own chaotic corporations. breakfast, school drop-offs, extracurricular activities, homework, the list is endless. and my husband? 🤨 let's just say he's not exactly earning the father-of-the-year trophy. he's more of a silent partner in this venture, contributing minimally while i manage the lion’s share.

every day is a revolving door of tasks dictated by invisible time cards that pull me in every direction but towards what i need—rest. i’ve become the go-to project manager of our household, handling everything from grocery shopping and cooking, to emergency conflict resolution between a seven-year-old and a ten-year-old over whose turn it is to sit in the prized front seat. even our toddler has demands that rival a ceo’s morning agenda. however, as the perpetual first responder, my wake-up call is earlier than a rooster's crow; pre-dawn prep, lunches to pack, and laundry that's folded to military precision.

the reality is, i’m exhausted but i can't complain; it feels like my pleas fall on deaf ears. do you ever feel like your voice is a whisper in a room of shouting voices? family dynamics are complicated puzzles, aren’t they? society tells us that juggling motherhood, marriage, and a personal career is doable if we just try hard enough. but trust me, it's like trying to align misfit puzzle pieces. yet each morning, there remains the faint, stubborn hope that today will be the day my husband is better attuned or that the kids will navigate their own battles without conscription of 'mom' as their referee.

i find solace in quotes from Virginia Woolf, "Arrange whatever pieces come your way," even when those pieces have clearly lost their way. it brings me a level of optimism; there's hope in reflection and redirection, and perhaps that's where the solution lies. self-care isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. maybe it's time to reorganize the department of 'me' and delegate some tasks or even demand a little assistance in this familial startup. am i seeking too much? maybe. or perhaps it all starts by simply getting out of bed—one foot at a time, one step closer to balance.

wtf am I doing here...

I've been dying to write a singer-songwriter style song for a LONG time now

so here we go

I only have a chorus

here it is:

you say, you say,

"Everything's gonna be

okay okay"

Like you've done this before

But you ain't done this before

So don't say, don't say,

Cause nothing will be

okay, okay

Cause you ain't done this before

And I ain't done this before

And I also want there to be a part that goes:

And now I long to see

What do you still see in me?

But I'm struggling with the verses

so If I get something good I'll post it here bc my IRL friends are tried of hearing me yap abt my songs-

So i have just gotten off of the game (my bf and i both play video games together), and he texted me. “HII” he says. i said hi and responded with how i won the previous game. He tells me that we should ft and i say yes. I am mexican and speak spanish sometimes so i don’t loose it. my bf helps and talks spanish with me. I answer the ft call and he’s speaking spanish. I thought we were having a good time but then i got to thinking of how my life would be different if i was single. I ask him “do you ever wish you were single”. no response. “baby? where are you?” i ask back thinking he’s just falling asleep. “i’m here, im falling asleep” “did you hear my question?” “no, what did you say?” i repeat my question. no response. at this point it’s late and im annoyed so i say “okay im going goodnight” he says goodnight and i hang up. am i being too dramatic, and he was just really tired? or was he actually considering the fact that he could be single? please help, i need options 😭

i don’t really know why i’m writing this but whatever. i’m a guy and school sucks and i suck in it too. evry day i wake up and my body is just there, like heavy and annoying, and i already know what’s coming. i look fat. i look ugly. i know people say looks don’t matter but they do, becuase in school they do. i put on clothes that don’t even feel right and i still feel gross. when i walk to school i keep thinking maybe today nobody will say anything. that never happens. it’s stupid i even hope. do you ever hope for something you already know won’t happen, just because you’re tired?

at school everyone acts like they’re comedians and i’m the joke. they don’t even whisper it, they just say it. fat. ugly. big guy. some kid called me “before picture” once and people laughed like it was the smartest thing ever said. i just stood there like an idiot. in class people stare at my stomach when i sit down, like it’s some science project. a girl told her friend i look like i smell bad. i don’t even smell bad. teachers hear stuff and just keep teaching like nothing happened, which is honestly worse. i feel like i’m not even a person there, just something to point at. why is it so easy for thier mouths to run?

i try to pretend i don’t care, like yeah sure whatever, but i care a lot. i stopped talking unless i have to. i stopped answering questions. i sit in the back and hope nobody notices when i breathe. gym class is hell. i make excuses not to change because i don’t want people seeing my body, even for two seconds. once someone slapped my stomach and laughed and said it jiggles. i wanted to disappear. i think about that a lot actually. i think about everything a lot. my brain doesn’t shut up. do you also replay dumb moments in your head forever or is that just me being wierd?

sometimes i tell myself i’ll lose weight and everything will be fixed, like it’s a video game or something. but then i see thinner guys still getting messed with and i think maybe it’s just my face, or my vibe, or my existence. i eat when i feel bad, then i feel worse because i ate, which is really smart, i know. people joke about me eating all the time even when i’m not eating. i could be drinking water and someone will say “of course you are.” it doesn’t even have to make sense. somtimes i start thinking maybe i deserve it, which is messed up but my brain goes there anyway. you ever start believing the stuff people say even when you know it’s cruel?

i don’t know how this ends. i don’t think there’s a big lesson here. i just feel tired and heavy and embarrassed all the time. i wonder if people will ever forget me or if i’ll just be “that fat ugly guy” forever in their memories. i wonder if i’ll ever look at myself and not immediately feel bad. maybe some of you reading this were like the people making jokes. maybe you didn’t mean it. maybe you forgot about it five minutes later. i didn’t. i still don’t. does it ever actually get better or do you just stop expecting it to?

I don't feel good about what I've achieved. At the cost of scandals and failure, I've made friends, my father succumbed to giving me money, to having everyone under my thumb, and it's very unpleasant. I don't like being on top of the world. How can people find that funny? I don't find it funny at all.

They always make up any excuse to accept the fact. I mean, they do everything, they knock down expectations for whatever reason, and as a result, they fall flat. However, if it's someone who respects them, then no. They kick the guy, they do everything to him, they demean him. I was in this guy's shoes. Why? The world seems upside down.

I don't like the way things are. I went crazy with a girl, and now she's accepted me on Instagram. I was rude to a girl, and she reacted unconditionally. These are just some examples. I called my father shit, and now he's opened up. All of them in an effort to do things right, to avoid disappointing me.

Why should I make a fuss to gain respect? I don't think this is in any way a measure of self-respect; I don't like it this way. I feel like everything should have been carried out calmly, but I'm already worried that things aren't going to happen this way. On both sides, it's detrimental to my health, except that if I make a fuss, I get social approval. In other words, what I'm doing to myself becomes more unconscious.

I don't feel right. Frankly, I wasn't taught to put this into words. I was always taught to boast about it. I feel like I'm on a kind of throne from which I want to step down. I don't know how some people can tolerate being at such heights. Why do we fight to be there? It doesn't feel good at all. I feel like I'm a kind of tyrant, and justified, too. I don't know; it's a feeling that I'm being led to my own death.

When they were bad, at least they gave me the chance to escape from what was affecting my health. In this case, when they are good, the chance is smaller; I feel restrained, forced to comply, and to continue harming myself. I feel I was better off in the first case, where I saw how people, under their freedom, appreciated my respect. In this moment, when they are no longer under the same deception, I only see a downright lie, an even more selfish desire to please me. In the previous case, this is not the case.

How ironic the way things are. I, who deep down so much wanted to be one of those who had others at their feet, a whole world supporting me, find that no, that in the end, such a world is nothing more than a lie. And now that I think about it, I think it's crazy to think that there will be many who are good to you and few who aren't. I think this is a bad sign, but the opposite is true, when we act in the name of respect, justice, and also peace, which I believe not everyone knows how to navigate in such a terrain.

In short, if everyone likes us, then they're not seeing us because, in principle, not everyone has the time to see us in detail. It seems like those exceptions are miraculous because if they see us, even if it's in a detached way, in contrast to the others, it just allows them to visualize things. When a few people like us, then they do look at us, but at least they do so in profound detail, while the majority, it seems to me, usually don't see us and therefore act with a certain indifference. However, all of this is within limits; that is, I'm speaking of a good case, a case with details, of a majority that isn't violent and of a few who are so little fanatic; it can't be the other way around either. I feel that when we reach extremes, there's only so much trouble in our lives, regardless of the modus operandi of the majority and the minority.

I don't feel it's right—I'm thinking of some kids who remain distant when I greet them, and when I say goodbye, too, and I don't like that; I feel like I'm adapting to something I don't like. I feel like I'm abandoning that kid who felt others treated me unfairly. However, it seems to me to be the right thing to do because I rightly saw others' treatment as unfair when in fact it was the opposite. What else are people going to do? How many have had the opportunity to appreciate what respect is? I prefer to wander through life and find someone who, in fact, sowed such a question and reaped the same rewards. I think I should give myself the opportunity to find tremendous treasures and also give hope that it can be done to those who have been in my shoes.

I don't know why I feel like I'm thinking in a haphazard way. I can't really organize my thoughts. It just happens that I feel like there can't be a precise rule or something like that. Maybe I'm looking for ways, references, to get to know people. I feel a bit confused. I was never taught to understand how to understand Including people in my life. It was all about working with what I'd already done, with what was already there, but never forging new relationships. My parents didn't have the capacity; they scared them away. In fact, they managed to scare me away. I think my parents succeeded, or the best they could do, was to distance themselves from me, as was the case with my family in general, because I felt they wouldn't appreciate me. I don't know, I don't feel healthy, or entirely sane with these words, but well, speaking at length is a start.

I insist, everything feels confusing. I feel like maybe I'm using those filters my parents taught me to have people by my side. I feel like everything I've said, as funny as it may seem, I don't like it, I don't feel it's appropriate, but maybe it is. I don't know how to go out into the world. The successful things I have as a reference for going out into the world are people who were like a kind of wolves, perfectly selfish people who achieved great success among the masses. I feel like maybe some of that has rubbed off on me, or maybe not. I don't know, but I don't feel like I know who I am, specifically, because I feel like I haven't fulfilled my role, either with my family or with those people, but with myself.

I'm noticing that when I don't fulfill my creative goals, I don't like it; people reject it fiercely. But when I do, I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't find myself in others, and I was taught to find myself through others. By the way, I don't know when to go to a psychiatric emergency room. The thing is, there are no emergency numbers in my country, and I think that's the first thing I want to discuss with my therapist. I can't always be perfect, and I feel like I sometimes fall apart. I don't have their number and no one else to turn to. I also don't know how to manage my current situation with what I have. I know what I have is useful, but I don't know how or what things. I feel like I'm really fading precisely because of this belief that I find myself through others. Also, I don't want to create a personality, an imposed concept, because I feel it's limiting, it doesn't allow me to broaden my horizons, or well, at least not in terms of what could describe a process, a continuity.

I don't know what's happening to me, honestly. I feel like I'm more processing who I am right now, ceasing to see myself in the past.

The celebration of Canadian Thanksgiving is quite a tradition in our home in the United States, owing largely to my stepmom's Canadian heritage. Every year, her mother travels from British Columbia to host a grand Thanksgiving feast for our mostly American family. But, truth be told, my step-grandmother, whom I affectionately refer to as my “step-grandma,” lacks a certain finesse in the kitchen. More so, her personality brims with passive-aggressiveness, especially during our festivities. Each year, without fail, she magnifies her culinary efforts, expecting endless adulation for her rather unsavory dishes.

Every Canadian Thanksgiving, my husband and I find ourselves designated as the dishwashers, a task we’ve reluctantly accepted. While I don’t inherently mind washing dishes, being the sole helpers when we are guests starts to feel more like an imposition. Originally, it seemed logical since we were the youngest adults, but over the last few years, even as my stepmom’s younger relatives joined, they’d quickly retreat to luxuries like the hot tub, leaving us to labor alone. It’s particularly frustrating when I'm interrupted during rare moments spent playing with my nephew I barely see, only to hear my step-grandma's loud hints about needing help in the kitchen, followed by my dad enlisting us yet again.

The previous year marked our move to a different city. When the annual celebration rolled around, they inquired if I would attend. Initially, I hesitated and eventually declined, citing uncertain reasons before outright refusing even their offer to cover our travel costs. Truthfully, it wasn’t about not being able to go; I was simply tired of the unfair expectation that we, alone, should contribute through chores while others socialized or relaxed.

Discussing this with my two older brothers brought mixed reactions. One brother sympathized, understanding my frustration, while the other dismissed it as a trivial issue. This leaves me questioning: am I being unreasonable here?

Imagine if this scenario unfolded on a reality show. Cameras rolling, capturing every whisper and conspicuous glance, the tension and the drama heightened for viewers at home. How would the audience react to seeing one family member consistently laden with tasks, their genuine annoyance veiled under polite compliance? The dynamics of sympathy versus judgment from the public could swing widely, possibly siding with me for feeling singled out or against me for making a 'big deal' out of family help.

Given this context, I wonder if my frustration is justified or if I should just accept these family roles silently.