Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

i don't have a real friend at school, they left me out, i dont know why!!!!! prob bc they think im weird.. but im not that weird!!! i have trouble communicating to new people, when i tried to talk to them, my voice gets smaller, my legs are shaking and im sweating! why is it so hard for me to communicate to other people? why cant i be like another people? why cant i be normal? i dont like people, i dont like it when they judge me for my interest, why cant everyone just accept me for who i am?????????????? i'm dumb, im scared of other people, i don't like adults, and i want everyone to give me all their attention but i also hate them.

Soo, I have digital photo class for my final I have to submit photos, whatever, I pick my sister as my model.. Today, was a busy day, so I decided to take pictures outside @ 8 pm. I’m always aware of my surroundings, checking every car that drives past as I hide my camera( don’t wanna get mugged🙄🙄) but this guy drives past and I can sense he stopped by not looking and all I hear is “period bitch” trying to be cheeky and stuff. mind you my sister is 13. And it might sound like a compliment but it was uncomfortable for her. He probably thought she was older. But I’m just sharing this bc I need to get it off my chest. I told my mom and her she was like “that’s why I didn’t want yall outside” should’ve taken her word. But for me I think this just a trauma thing for me. I seen women get catcalled online or either in person. And it has taking a toll on what I dress, not liking tight shirts and stuff, thinking it was drawing attention which it shouldn’t.. (for anyone wondering why I took pictures outside late was bc of my theme for my photo, Polaroid nostalgia)

so, i just started this new job, right? i’m 26, a guy, and was pretty excited at first because i thought it would be a cool opportunity. they talk about "synergy" and "dynamic team environments" and stuff, but honestly, it's just not my vibe. 😩 the onboarding process was like a total brain freeze, like, who thought making me watch 10 hours of training videos was a good idea? 🙄 and the people? well, they seem nice enough but have this weird corporate speak that makes me feel like i’m in a 90s sitcom—everyone is pretending to love their jobs. i mean, why do we have to "circle back" on every little thing? like, can’t we just have a convo without all the jargon? for real, if i hear the term "low-hanging fruit" one more time, i’m gonna lose it. and don’t even get me started on the break room; have you ever seen someone make coffee so tragically bad? it’s like they’re trying to punish us! and then there’s the daily stand-up meetings where we go around and share our "wins" and "challenges" like it’s some motivational seminar or something; i’m just sitting there thinking about how i haven’t even figured out the office printer yet. honestly, it makes me question everything—like, is this what adulting is all about? the projects are monotonous and all they do is pile on the work; at this point, i’m wondering if i should just ghost them and disappear like i was never there. but part of me is like, "what if this is just the phase every job goes through and it gets better?" but does it ever really get better? like, do you all just put up with this stuff or what? should i stick it out a few more weeks? people say it's always tough at the beginning, and i really don’t wanna be the guy that quits on the first round; but then again, my mental health is kinda crucial too. the last thing i want is to end up dreading my mornings and counting the hours till freedom while sitting at my desk like a zombie. does anyone else feel like they’re just running in circles at work? sometimes it just feels like a game and not a very fun one. so, if quitting is on the table, how do you even do that gracefully? i’ve heard horror stories about people just walking out and burning bridges, but i genuinely don’t want to end up being that guy who storms out while flipping off the boss; i just think about long-term consequences, like networking—am i ruining future opportunities? and that’s not my goal at all. during these days, it seems like if you don’t play the game, you’re out. 😬

i guess the conundrum is whether i really want to be part of this ecosystem or if it's just my fear of change and the unknown creeping in. what’s the line between making it work and recognizing when something is just not right for me? i mean, should i really just stick it out to prove a point? they say perseverance is key, but then again, there’s a limit to how much tolerating nonsense one can do. it feels like i’m sitting at this crossroads every single day, stuck in a loop where my brain tells me to adapt and my gut screams to run; i feel like i need a sign or at least a coffee that doesn’t taste like burnt rubber. there’s too much pressure already; we’re already competing with 1000 emails and trying to keep up with KPIs, and why do we even need to quantify every little success? can’t i just do my job without feeling like i need to report every minor achievement? and then it dawns on me, is quitting really an option? i’ve put in minimal emotional investment; what’s the worst that could happen if i just bagged it early? my job satisfaction score is at an all-time low of about one out of five stars and the thought of another day in this mind-numbing cycle is simply tragic; does anyone have any advice? 👀

I feel fake sometimes like life isn't real in short episodes sometimes a few times a day the most. but I don't know why I feel like this. one second I'm fine just living the next I'm convinced nothing is real that I'm not real. it's really scary. but I don't think I'm describing it well so imma cut this short.

sincerely,

melody (13, f)

After five years of marriage, at 29, I've hit a wall. I love my husband deeply, and I believe he loves me too, but there's a creeping doubt that's hard to shake off—sexual incompatibility...

It's like an elephant in the room, lurking silently while casting an awkward shadow over our relationship. Our chemistry was undeniable when we first met; we'd tumble into bed, laughter echoing around us. But lately, things have changed. Is it normal for passion to dwindle so dramatically with passage of time? Many couples navigate shifting dynamics over time, but our situation seems different—stuck, stagnant. I can't help but wonder if the spark is gone for good or if it's just buried under life's daily grind. I googled "sexual incompatibility in marriage" and stumbled upon countless forums filled with people sharing their stories—similar yet personal experiences adorned with intimate details and advice. It was both reassuring and worrying. "Sex is not the only important part of a marriage," they say, and sure, true; but intimacy feels foundational, doesn't it? It's that unexplainable bond, and when it's missing, it's like there's a hole in the fabric of our marriage. Now, conversations have shifted from "I want you" to "I care about you," which, while sweet, lacks the fervor it once did. Often, I find myself absorbed in blogs discussing topics like libido mismatch, emotional connection, and attachment styles. The jargon is daunting but sheds light on our predicament—my higher libido struggles against his lower desire; a classic case of desire discrepancy. I've tried discussing this with him but broaching the subject feels like dancing on a tightrope, precarious and tense. Is it too much to ask for mutual attraction in a partnership? Or am I being unrealistic in my expectations? It's hard to dismiss the nagging feeling that perhaps he's no longer sexually attracted to me, even though he insists otherwise.

The emotional side of me wants to believe him, but the factual observations paint a different picture. The intimacy we once shared feels like a memory fading away into the archives of our early days. In an article, I read that long-term relationships naturally evolve into comfortable cohabitation, where physical intimacy isn't the pinnacle of the relationship anymore. But shouldn't there be some semblance of desire still? I’m constantly battling with these cerebral narratives—my mind a restless, questioning space. We’re trying to rediscover that physical connection through couple’s activities, date nights, and the occasional weekend getaway. Still, the rhythmic path from date to full-on making out seems to be missing. Every intimacy expert lists "communication" as the pinnacle of resolving sexual disinterest, yet every attempt at initiating these conversations seems to erect another barrier between us. There’s this gap, sparse as it’s growing but for how long? And on the other side are murmurs of questions and whispers of longing. It’s common to hear about the "seven-year itch," yet, here it’s an early symptom; maybe it's a phase, but how long until it becomes chronic? People change, circumstances evolve, but is this sexual standstill a temporary halt or the new normal? Our marriage wasn't purely based on sex, but I won't deny the substantial role it played in keeping the relationship vibrant and lively.

Do I settle into this newfound normalcy of companionship void of fervor, or do I strive to rekindle the flame we had? That question begets more questions, not answers. I even came across a study emphasizing that many marriages survive and thrive on shared goals, emotional bonds, and friendship. I take solace in these sentiments, yet is surviving the same as thriving? We tick many 'marital compatibility' boxes: shared values, understanding, mutual respect; yet this one unchecked box feels glaringly deficient. Sometimes, I mull over solutions—professional counseling, self-help books, rekindling personal hobbies to divert the mind. Yet, nothing offers a concrete answer, just wisps of temporary relief. Should I accept this compatibility hiccup as part of our "till death do us part" package, or strive tirelessly for change? Every now and then, I drop suggestions of change like seeds, hoping they’ll take root in our reality. Still, the ground feels resistant, the air too dry for them to grow. In this scenario, is patience love's true test, or is proactive effort the remedy? It's a conundrum—two possible paths, but one uncertain outcome. In my quiet moments, I wonder, "Am I the only one who feels this disconnect? Or is it mutual silence extending beyond words?" Should we dive deeper into the exploration of non-sexual intimacy as an alternate course, preserving the essence of our relationship through shared dreams, laughter, and camaraderie? If this is the more conducive path to navigate, how do we begin? Despite the battle within, I know and feel there’s still genuine affection and a craving for a shared future....

I am lost, help me guys...

Hi so basically i love my gf she’s genuinely the best i wish i was always there for her. Genuinely life would be so much easier if we lived together . We both have family issues and yearn the day that we actually go pick out an apartment and live together for the rest of our lives ..

we’ve been dating for almost a year and im so excited for the day that we officially get to one whole year of dating. I feel like time passed by so fast. When i first asked her to be my gf i was so nervous i even went to ask her friend for advice and when she said yes i was just a smiling mess the whole day at skl.

God i love this girl so much I genuinely wanna marry her. It probably sounds stupid since im 16 but i mean it with my whole heart, shes the best thing that’s ever happened to me and i cant imagine my world without her

Bro…

We have free will😦⁉️ if I’m unhappy w something do something about it. Like I get we can’t always change our situation and how we feel about them

LIKE IF SMT MAKES ME HAPPY I CAN GO DEEPER INTO THAT WTHH

But the classic saying…

‘You can change how you react to them’

Friends or no friends. My life is gonna continue. So I gotta stop this worry kinda and just do stuff(kinda limited rn but hopefully won’t be when I grow up 😭)

WRITE SMT DOWN ABOUT HOW UVE REALISES U CAN DO WHATEVER

I never imagined I’d find myself even thinking this, let alone writing it down—but lately, I’ve been wondering if my son truly loves me anymore. We used to be so close when he was younger. He’d run to me after school, tell me about his day, ask me for advice. Now, at 26, he barely picks up the phone. Messages go unread for days. If we do talk, it’s short, clipped, and he sounds like he’d rather be anywhere else. I know children grow up, I know they build their own lives—but this feels different. It doesn’t feel like distance, it feels like rejection. Like he resents me, or worse, doesn't care at all.

It’s in the little things that the pain creeps in. Holidays, for example—he’ll visit, but only because I ask, and he never stays long. He doesn’t initiate hugs anymore. There’s no warmth in his voice. Last Christmas, he showed up late, didn’t bring a gift or even a card, and spent most of the evening on his phone. When I tried to talk to him about his job, he just mumbled one-word answers. I used to know everything going on in his life. Now I learn about major updates from social media—after he’s told everyone else. When I mention feeling left out, he tells me I’m being too emotional or dramatic. That word—dramatic—burns every time.

I’ve tried to reflect on where I might have gone wrong. I wasn’t perfect. I yelled sometimes. I had rules, like any parent. I worked long hours when he was young, trying to provide. But I loved him with everything I had. I sat at his bedside when he was sick. I helped him with homework late into the night. I gave up so much so he could have opportunities I never had. So when he acts like I’m just some obligation now, it breaks something in me. I don’t need constant praise or attention—but I do need to feel like I matter in his life, like I’m still his mom and not some figure he’s trying to avoid.

The hardest part is that I can’t talk to anyone about it without sounding bitter. Friends will say, “He’s just busy,” or “It’s a phase.” But when that “phase” stretches into years, you start to ask yourself deeper questions. Like, what if he really doesn’t love me anymore? What if all the love I poured into raising him just... faded on his end? There are signs I can’t ignore anymore. No “I love you” at the end of calls. No interest in my life—he never asks how I’m doing. Birthdays are forgotten. He cancels plans without apology. It’s not just neglect; it’s indifference. And indifference hurts more than anger, because at least anger means they feel something.

What makes this worse is watching him with other people. I’ve seen him be so kind to his girlfriend’s family—bringing flowers, planning trips, sending thoughtful texts. I’m happy he’s found love, but it stings to know I don’t get that version of him anymore. Maybe he’s giving his best to others now, and there’s nothing left for me. I wonder if he sees me as just a reminder of his childhood or a source of guilt. I don’t want his pity, I just want a little of that love back. A phone call where he’s not distracted. A visit he actually wants to make. A moment where he looks at me like I still mean something.

I know I can’t force love. I know that adult children don’t owe their parents constant attention. But love shows up in effort, in presence, in the small gestures that say “you still matter.” And right now, all the signs point to something I never thought I’d face—a son who’s moved on from loving his mother. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just feeling lonley, reading too much into things. But if you’ve ever felt this ache too, then you know it’s not easy to ignore. I just hope one day he remembers the woman who raised him, who loved him even when he pulled away, and decides to come back—not out of guilt, but because he wants to. Until then, I wait, and wonder if the silence is my answer.

so, like, my ex keeps trying to contact me and it’s super annoying!!! I thought we were done when we broke up a few months ago, but he just won’t take a hint. I even blocked him on all social media platforms but somehow he still finds a way to message me??? like, how? I mean, is it really that hard for him to understand that I don’t want to talk to him anymore? I’m 22 and just trying to live my life; I don’t need this drama!!! 😩

the worst part is, he sometimes sends me these really inappropriate texts and, honestly, it makes me feel so uncomfortable. who does that? like, hello, I don’t want to receive those kinds of messages. it’s like he has no respect for me or my boundaries at all!!! I tried responding nicely the first few times, hoping he would get it. I was like, “hey, please stop texting me, I’m not interested,” but he just brushes it off and tries again. it’s exhausting!!! 😒

I even thought about changing my number, but then I realized that wouldn’t solve the problem because if he finds me on Instagram or any other platform, it just repeats itself. I really don’t want to keep playing this game of cat and mouse! I don’t want to have those awkward confrontations where I have to explain why I don’t want to talk to him... it just feels so unnecessary and, to be honest, a little embarrassing. isn’t it sad that it’s reached this point? 😳 I’m trying to think of a way to cut him off for good; I'm considering reporting and blocking but that feels like a whole thing;

I guess my question is, what should I even do next? has anyone been in a similar situation? I just want peace but this keeps dragging on and it’s getting super old! sometimes it feels like he thinks we’re still together or something and it’s confusing!!! I know I need to stand my ground but all this back and forth is just too much. ugh, I wish I could just turn back time and avoid all of this drama! anyone have advice? please help!!! 🙏

anyone else who has problems with pain in their knees that nothing seems to help.

What do you do ?

As I've been struggling for yolears but lately my knee is getting worse and nothing seems to be helping not even the new dose of ibuprofen my doctor has proscribed me and she did say I could take it up to 3 times a day but I don't like taking it or any pills as I've burnt my stomach lining after take ibuprofen.

Any ops will be useful.

🌟

I (F22) have been dating my girlfriend (F21) for 3 years.

🧡 We met 1-2 weeks before starting college, since we were going to be classmates. She was supposed to live in the dorms for free, but after 2 days, she hated it and invited herself to sleep over at my place (we barely knew each other). We hooked up that night - and she basically never left. Classic lesbian stereotype, I know.

🌈 At first, I hid from my parents that she was living with me since they were paying my rent and didn’t know her. After 2 months, we made it official. A few months later, she met my parents (they thought we were just friends) and they adored her. She came home with me every visit. After 2 years, I told them we were together, and surprisingly, they were super supportive - even got over their strong homophobia for her. Now they treat her like their own daughter, and my whole family loves her... even more than they love me, sometimes.

💼 She’s been a super supportive partner and has helped me a lot with my business. I honestly wouldn’t be where I am without her. But she doesn’t have a job, and her abusive parents don’t support her or even know about us. She lives off a small scholarship allowance and feels guilty for not contributing more. I got her a laptop, my dad got her a phone, but she refuses to let me hire her because she wants to earn her own money. I usually cover everything, and I don’t mind since my business does very well. We recently moved to another apt, and my parents still pay the rent for both of us.

💔 The truth is, I don’t think I ever truly loved her romantically. I was probably just scared of being alone in a new city and clung to her because we were both lesbians and colleagues. I mistook her vibe for something more masculine at first, but over time I realized she’s not really my type physically. I do love her personality - she’s emotional, artistic, and sees the world beautifully. I’d often find myself staring at other people, not fantasizing, just feeling a quiet frustration inside. In the first year we were very active se)(ually, but now I am forcing myself to do it. I'm not enjoying it.

🕳️ When I moved away for college, I was excited to live independently, but that never really happened. She moved in almost immediately, and we became co-dependent: always together, doing everything side by side. Now that we just finished college, I feel like I missed out on everything -freedom, partying, self-discovery. While others were out living, I was working nonstop on my business. I am succesful, I've even been on the news, but I feel empty, like I sold my soul for money. Sometimes, I think the only escape is death. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, but I’m scared to leave. My parents love her and they’d never forgive me. They would never accept another girl, because SHE is the reason they stopped being homophobic.

🏠 I’ve been saving for a house abroad and told her it’s for both of us, but she hasn’t contributed financially because she doesn’t have a job. I’m not upset - most people our age aren’t making this much, but she constantly compares herself to me and feels like a failure. She has breakdowns because she can’t provide, even though most students don’t have it figured out yet. I tried encouraging her to freelance; she got one client and gave up. I have tons of business and investment ideas, but she won’t act on them. I can’t keep pushing her. I’m already exhausted from running my business and dealing with my own mental health issues.

🌍 I’ve always valued freedom, and marriage feels like a cage. I like being alone and dream of traveling the world. I could afford to do it now, but I can’t because she can’t afford it and feels guilty when I pay. I know she’ll get a job eventually and things might balance out, but for now, I’m sad my youth is slipping away. My past relationships were traumatic - one landed me in the hospital, another was a drug addict, one dug up her dead dog’s skull, and another cheated on me while I paid for everything because she was nearly homeless. This time, I chose someone kind and stable, not really my type, but safe. She’s never hurt me, but I’m still unhappy. And even though I know she’s not using me, I’m tired of always being the provider.

📱💬 I know you’ll judge me, and I don’t blame you. Last year, feeling lonely and needing a new friend, I started chatting with a masc lesbian on Bumble BFF. She had a girlfriend, so I saw her as a safe friend. She was adventurous, always traveling and doing extreme sports - basically the life I wanted. She wasn’t the issue... it was what she awakened in me. She was the version of myself I never got to be. We talked nonstop for months, and my girlfriend noticed. I felt happy texting the other girl - not se)(ually, just less lonely. My girlfriend got jealous, and I understood why, but I couldn’t stop. The girl broke up with her partner of 4 years and started dating around. I was interested in her stories because I was frustrated about my own relationship. She invited me to hang out, but my girlfriend asked me to cut contact, saying the other girl was flirting. I didn't tell my gf that that girl broke up with her partner, because I wanted to keep things safe. She eventually removed me from her following list and she unfollowed me, because I stopped replying to her texts, since my gf was mad.

💀 I want to be honest. I hoped we’d become best friends and maybe more. Some of our chats felt like flirting. She complimented me a lot, and we talked nonstop. After we started talking, I had a breakdown and told my girlfriend I didn’t love her and wanted to break up. She was devastated and she thought I was falling for that girl. I couldn’t break up for real because I worried about my parents and that my girlfriend would have nowhere to live. I told another time I wanted to break up, and she begged on her knees for me to stay. We’re stuck together for at least two more years because we’re doing our masters in the same city. I feel trapped and often think about su!cide as the only way out. The pressure from my parents, business, and her situation feels overwhelming.

💔 It’s been 1 year since I stopped talking to that girl, but I’m still frustrated my gf wouldn’t let me meet her. I think I developed an unhealthy obsession, hoping to run into her or reconnect. Now I see it was emotional cheating and wrong. I never even met her in person, so it was just lust stuck in my mind. Since then, my girlfriend lost trust in me and started trying to be more masculine, feeling like she was competing and getting easily triggered.

🚫 I’m stuck. Leaving my girlfriend now would ruin my relationship with my family, and she’d have nowhere to go. But staying makes me more depressed every day. I’m on medication and feel like my youth is slipping away. I regret not exploring more before her. I only slept with 2 women before. When I tried to break up, she begged me to stay and offered that I could sleep around while she waited but I refused because that wouldn’t be fair to her.

🪞I’m still dating her but feel guilty for leading her on. I’ve lost myself in this relationship and put on 10 kg. I hate the way I look. I wanted someone who would push me, but she’s my mirror. We even say the same things and act alike. We often leave the house messy because we’re both struggling mentally and isolated from friends. She had therapy for a while but stopped due to cost. Her therapist once told her that they knew the girl I talked to. It used to be one of their old patients but she was problematic. The fact that the therapist told my gf the confidential info about that other girl made me distrust therapy even more. Although I know people will say I need it.

Please tell me what you think about this situation. You can be harsh, because I know that what I did was not moral at all. I haven’t told any of my friends this, because I am afraid. All of our friends are common and they would think I am a s!lut. I have been keeping this inside for over one year. Thank you!

i dont really have anyone to tell this to, since i dont have a partner and my one friend i could talk to about this...would not like to hear this. im just throwing this out into the void. hopefully no one will ever know its me.

recently, ive had this bout of depression. i know i know, everyone has that from time to time, ive had it my whole life. but this one just seems to hit deep for some reason. ive felt nothing but extreme loneliness since mid-late 2024 (and further...it just got stronger during those months). i got cheated on, left a toxic relationship with two of my best friends, and my old highschool friends? i just dont relate to them or talk to them anymore. my best friend, whos like my platonic-soulmate, has their own shit and love life to deal with. i used to talk to them about this love-life lonely bullshit a long time ago but they told me they didnt wanna hear it since (at the time) they were single and it annoyed them, so i stopped telling them anything related to it permanently, alongside other feelings stuff. not in a petty way but i just dont want to burden anyone. im mentioning this because im on a trip with them right now, and i really wish i wasnt. i have to hear them talk to their girlfriend a lot and all that other mushy shit, and im happy for them! i just wish i didnt have to be near it. obviously ill let them call in front of me and do all that because durrr theyre my friend, they can do whatever. im glad they finally got their first relationship. it just sucks because i really want to be home by myself to cry because i cant cry in front of them or else theyll ask whats wrong and they obviously wont like what i have to talk about and probably say something rude about "imagine how i felt" or some shit. i feel like im not allowed to feel bad about this since theyve been single longer than me or whatever.

i just feel super lonely and suicidal. i cant talk to them about it because "oh youve been in more relationships then ive ever been blah blah"...but they all ended badly. weird high school shit, being assaulted and weird sexual shit happened to me that i dont want to delve into, cheating, being thrown to the side....i dont think im a victim, i think i just have had a bad luck streak. i wont go too into detail. im in my 20s now and being single is fine, i just wish i had someone who genuinely loved me (and ill love them too! Two-way street, obviously) . no cheating or sexual shit or any weird stalker bullshit. im so tired of it. dating apps suck since ive only ever dated friends/people im close to and its hard to get that with people u just met on an app, and where i live theres not many queer people...it especially sucks because im lowkey ugly? i dont need pity for it and im not trying to fish for compliments, ive just accepted it at this point. being lowkey weird with gender, being ugly, autistic, and looking like a teenage boy makes finding love (platonic or romantic) hard.

not only that, but schooling stress and love life stress also pile onto the fact that like...the only people i could talk to at this point are my parents and even then i CANT because theyre conservative and ive lived a double life hiding all this gender and love life bullshit from them. they wouldnt understand and id probably be kicked out. i want to tell them so bad, but theyre so brainwashed. i want to cry into my moms arms about my frustrations of love and gender and tell her all the bad things ive been hiding for the past decade. but i cant. i have no one i can talk to. i try to download dating apps to make friends or do hookups but it never makes it past the awkward small talk phase. i do try, i really do. i just feel like ill keep constantly chasing this quick friendship making thing to fill the void but it never works. i stopped doing it but i always have the urge to redownload those apps and try again. hell, ive even been thinking about hitting up old exes and shitty friends just to feel something/HAVE someone.

im delving into books and science more and stuff i love. school is doing fine and im happy about what i want to do...so i have that part somewhat figured out. but the other shit? yea ive given up at this point. ive settled for just crying myself to sleep, drinking, and indulging in drugs to try and feel less lonely. getting into hobbies like costume making would be nice, but i dont have the money for a sewing machine lmfao.

maybe if i just cave in and tell my parents everything, that weight will be lifted off my shoulders and maybe ill feel a little more resolved/less lonely? i dont know.

im sitting near my one friend typing this. id rather make a long ass message on a stupid anonymous board then talk to them about anything. and before yall comment YES i recently got a therapist, and it helps! another person to talk to, but its not a real friendship yknow? and ik some people will probably be like "oh ill be ur friend!" but its like...awkward and probably wont make it out of this message board yknow? plus, i crave irl friendships...idk. i appreciate the sentiment though. people online can be really sweet! i just really want to hang with people irl, ive had enough of online shenanigans, haha....

if you read all this uhhhhhh congrats, have a gold star. i hope you have a nice day/night wherever you are!

So I've had problems with SH in the past. It's gotten really bad now, and it's all on my legs so it's easier to hide from my parents. My mom thought she took all the sharp objects out of my room, but, well... my pencil sharpener. I took the blade out. I started feeling ashamed of who I am, so I might've written a couple things with the blade (I wrote "Kpop," "LGBTQ," and a therian symbol) then put an X through them. And on the other leg... I wrote smt I don't want to share. One of the things is still bleeding and I couldn't find a bandaid big enough to cover it so I used toilet paper and fucking packing tape to cover it and make a makeshift bandage.

I’m 49 years old, female, and I’m honestly fing tired of feeling like I’m carrying a boulder on my shoulders every fing day; let’s just say it loud and clear — anxiety sucks. every fing breath I take, every decision I make, every conversation I have — it’s like a tiny voice is nagging in the back of my mind telling me I’m screwing everything up. “what if they hate you? what if you say the wrong thing? what if you fail?” it’s exhausting. I’ve read every fing book, listened to every self-help podcast, tried meditation, journaling, therapy, meds — the whole f***ing industry is built on telling people like me to “breathe deeply and let it go,” but tell me, how the hell do you let go of something that’s wired into your goddamn brain? anxiety doesn’t listen to breathing techniques! I mean, ffs, you think I wouldn’t have figured that out by now?

I’ve been trying to build a non-anxious life, whatever the hell that means. moving to a quieter neighborhood, changing jobs to reduce stress — hell, I even got a fing cat to “calm me down” (spoiler alert: she’s a furry little terrorist). but guess what? the anxiety is still there. some mornings, I wake up and feel like I can’t breathe, like my chest is caving in, and no amount of herbal tea or “positive affirmations” makes it stop. it’s easy for people to say, “just stop worrying,” but have you ever tried to just stop worrying? it’s like telling a person with asthma to “just breathe” — yeah, sure, thanks for the tip! it’s frustrating to constantly feel like you’re broken, like you’re the problem; it’s fing unfair. how much of it is even in my control, huh?

the thing is, I’ve been to therapy (multiple times, different therapists), and every time I leave feeling like I’m just a fing project for them to fix. “try this exercise,” they say. “keep a journal,” they suggest. “catch your negative thoughts,” they advise. but what if I don’t want to spend every goddamn day “catching thoughts”? what if I just want to live without constantly analyzing myself to death? it’s not that I’m against therapy — I know it helps, I’m not an idiot — but the whole process sometimes feels like a job I didn’t apply for; a job with no pay and no fing days off. am I just supposed to keep “working on myself” until I die? because that’s how it feels. I’m exhausted from always trying to “manage” something that won’t leave me the hell alone.

and here’s the kicker — people always assume that if you’re anxious, you’re weak. that you can’t handle stress, that you’re not resilient enough, that you’re somehow “less than.” well, f*** that. I’ve raised two kids while dealing with this crap, held down a career, and kept a house running — tell me that’s not resilient! but yeah, I’ll admit it: I’m still struggling. I still cry in the shower sometimes, I still overthink every damn thing, and I still wake up some days feeling like the world is caving in. so what? does that make me a failure? or does it make me human? because, let’s be real here — who the hell isn’t struggling? we just don’t talk about it. we put on our “I’m fine” masks and go through the motions. but sometimes I want to rip that mask off and scream, “I’m not f***ing fine!” do you get it? do you know what that feels like? or is it just me?

so now I am telling you guys the next part... so I have a best friends that I love so much right well.. we were soo good friend before the issues it was the 6 grade she meets two girls name kimbery and jasmine right well day or week goes by and kimbery leave fanny and jasmine and the thing is fanny treats me like shit.. she mades me like I should die I cant hold it she doesn't like me anymore and she does back to bring friends with Kimberly and there the thing Kim talk shit about her I told fanny do not go back to her because she is a bithc who is dating all of her ex and she said so is my life I chounted stop her..so I just let her to that and she said Kim is fake that she is annyroing and shit like bro I didn't do anything I feel lost and I am not tryna cry but she pick her over me she like a ghost to me.