Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Some years ago I got into a long-distance (me 14, him 16) and obviously it was a relationship that turned out to be really unhealthy. He was rude to me and others, made disgusting comments, dragged me into a weird situation with one of his friends, used me for things I was too young to understand, denied to make calls and hid me completely from his life. I tried to contact him a month after we broke up, and he told me he'd "see if we could continue together." He ignored my messages and was a bit rude, so I decided to tell him that "if he didn't think we could stay together he should just tell me"; next day he told me everything was my fault.

Four months after we ended, he got a new girlfriend and suddenly she was everywhere. Meanwhile, I ended up struggling with psychosis and even now dealing with loss of sensation on one side of my body.

Now I'm around my 20's, I live alone abroad, I have a stable job, I've managed to keep my health in order and I've found a stable partner. A few weeks ago, as a joke, we looked up my ex’s account. He’s still with the girl he once told me was just his “best friend,” they live together and are planning to get married. In her videos he looks like the perfect partner and I bet he changed; but there's one that was posted months after the breakup, they meet in person and she referred to him as a healthy person.

A few days later I ended up in the hospital after a crisis at work, and they told me I showed symptoms of a possible stroke.

I’m starting therapy again soon because I don't want to lose the battle so young, but holding all of this in until then feels impossible. Any opinion would be accepted and really loved by my heart!

OK so back in july i was talking to this boy named apple ok and me and him started talking after me and this boy named cookie broke up like 3 weeks ago at that time. SO we were in a talking stage for like a month but it was on and off bc i got grounded. But at the fair when i was hanging out with these 2 girls i saw him at the fair and i didn't recgonize him until like 2 days aftre l But when i got ungrounded we did IT and unfortunatley my mom found out and she blocked him without yk me knowing until like 5 days later. Fast forward like 4 months later after me and this boy lets call cactus broke up apple added me on snap on thanksgiving day saying happy thanksgiving and i was like "y did u add me?" and apple was like "ïdek how i added u im js drunk rn" So a week later my friend lets call her red head she showed me the ss of apple saying he wants a round 2 with me. but reminder he has a gf moving forward i asked him if it was true and at first apple was like no comment denying it and then he said yes. So that day i got his number and we talked. But the next day we did IT. But before we did It i was like "wouldnt it be cheating like she loves u like really loves you" and apple was like " ït wont be cheating if she doesnt see or find out" Just to be clear i knew his gf lets call her bunny back in janurary bc she followed me on tik tok first and she used to be close bsfs with my cousin before she moved schools. So apple would like talk bad ab bunny to me on call and when he was arguing with bunny over text when he was on call with me and he told me that they were arguing bc of the ss that my friend red head told and showed bunny. And apple was like gaslighting bunny and was like saying that red head edited the ss and that bunny was delusional. So 3 weeks later i texted bunny lettiing her know what happened before she finds out by some1 else and just to be a girls girls and she decided to be VERY DELUSIONAL and called me weird and dumb even tho shes still with him. Bunny was like "It doesn't matter if it was his idea you still went to his house" Like girl what??!! but they are still together. now So im gonna crash out bc apple gaslighted her again EVEN THO HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT HER AND COULDN'T BREAK UP WITH HER BC OF HER OLDER BROTHER AND HIS GRANDMA, But the thing is after me and cactus broke up apple and cactus were friends AND WAS HANGING OUT BRO THEY BOTH WORK AT APPLESBEES 2. But they are opps now so idek. ALSO APPLE LITERALLY VENTED TO ME AB HIS WHOLE BACKSTORY LIFE AND HIS DAD WHAT??! Btw apple wanted a round 2 with me bc he found out bunny (his gf) was talking to her ex again apparantley and when he confronted her she lied to his face. But he also told me that he was lowkey thinkin ab a round 2 when me and cactus was dating.

With my mom I don't feel seen, I don't feel heard, I just want it to end. I can't stand this pain, no one gets it, I'm so ready to end it, she doesn't care, I know she doesn't. I want to cry but that doesn't help, I want to scream but I can't, I need a rage room but that didn't help, I want the pain to go away, I want it to stop, to leave me alone, but deep down, I know it won't, It'll keep coming back, it won't stop, it keeps coming and coming and I'm so tired. Nobody is really there for me, because people have their own lives. I just want someone that I can cry into, that will hold me, and I don't have that. And that's my problem. I need that, but inside I know I won't get it. And it sucks, It sucks not feeling safe enough to show feelings without getting yelled at. I'm so tired. I just want it to end. I want it to be over. I want someone to love me. I want to be someone's first priority. not second, not third, first. And I cry myself to sleep, knowing that'll never happen. I'm empty

After years of diligent saving since I was 16, I recently achieved a personal milestone—I purchased my first car. It is a used model but incredibly dependable, representing a symbol of my independence which I cherish deeply. The car is essential; I use it daily to commute to my job and university, making my routine significantly easier to manage.

However, a recent incident has upset the balance in my household. My brother, Liam, caused an accident some weeks back by speeding, which led not only to him wrecking his own vehicle but also being left without any means of transport since the incident. Thankfully, he was unharmed. The problem arose when my parents demanded that I lend my newly acquired car to Liam “temporarily,” until he manages to get back on his feet financially and fix his car. Seeing as Liam’s job involves substantial driving, and I typically only travel within our local area, my parents argue this arrangement would be the most logical.

Despite understanding their point, I refused. The effort I put into acquiring my car was monumental, and it serves more than just a means of transportation—it’s my lifeline to both professional responsibilities and personal freedom, significantly impacting my overall well-being. This refusal, however, has not sat well with my family. My parents accused me of being selfish and inconsiderate, stressing the importance of supporting family. Liam hasn’t engaged much in conversation with me since, choosing instead to express his frustration through subtle coldness.

Amidst the turmoil, my parents have continued to escalate the situation, labeling me as immature and not a “team player.” There have even been threats to withdraw their financial support for certain necessities like my car insurance. This has left me torn—I understand my brother’s predicament, but I also feel it’s unjust to be coerced into surrendering something I’ve worked so hard for and need, especially considering the circumstances of how he ended up in this situation.

Considering how entrenched my parents are in their views, I’ve wondered how my stance would be perceived in a more public arena. If this drama were unfolding on a reality show, the audience could likely be divided. Some might sympathize with my need for independence and the efforts I've put into achieving it, while others could critique me for not prioritizing familial obligations over personal assets. Would the court of public opinion deem me unreasonable, or would they applaud my resilience in standing up for my principles?

Am I being unreasonable for not allowing my brother to use my car, given that our parents are so upset? Should I relinquish my car for family peace, or continue to defend my position firmly?

I used to dream of having a home, a family… a life filled with love and warmth.

But now, just thinking about it makes me feel sick

love doesn’t feel beautiful anymore. It feels heavy, even disgusting.

Maybe because I’ve been through so many failed relationships.

Maybe because I once loved someone narcissistic who made me hate everything love stands for.

Maybe because I gave so much of myself to people… and got nothing back.

Now, I feel numb. Like I’ve lost the part of me that used to feel.

Sometimes my mind drifts toward physical desire, but even that feels wrong. I’m a Muslim, I’m Arab and that alone comes with its own struggle and shame 😁

So I hold myself back. Alone. Every single time.

And maybe that’s why I started resenting men — or even the idea of starting something new with anyone.

I feel lonely, yes. Deeply lonely.

But I’ve pulled away from everyone. I barely talk to people anymore. I just bury myself in work and try not to feel.

I just want to feel okay again.

I want to be normal. To be human again. Like I used to

I genuinely can’t do life anymore

I was supposed to graduate law school and take the bar this year but I failed my first and only subject with this terror professor. I was the only one who failed their class and I felt that it was a bit unfair. While they're a terror professor, they are admired by a lot of people in that subject field in law and they were called the gatekeeper (meaning they would really fail you if they think you are not ready for the bar).

Why do I feel it was unfair? Well, my batchmates who graduated and took the bar had two failing subjects (not the same subject as the one I failed) but they were allowed to have to take an exam to pass it. This professor didn't want to talk to me and deferred me to the Dean, and again, with their reputation as the all-knowing person in that subject, they didn't give me a chance. It was a really hard year for me as I was already preparing for the bar and I had to hide the truth for quite some time with my family as, again, this is my first ever failure. It didn't really help that a certain student also had similar grades with me but I was the one that had to get cut-off. I couldn't really continue to vent to my boyfriend (who is also a student and passed his subject - apparently he is this prof's favorite) and we had an argument about how I am not really blaming him for failing the subject but it kinda feels like it is because I am just so frustrated with myself.

I already retook the subject (with a different professor because they weren't available to teach it) and passed but now, they are saying that this terror prof might be my professory again next semester. We don't have any other sections as our law school is cutthroat so there really isn't a choice for me to do anything but take the subject. But I don't know how to cope. This person literally crushed my dream as there was no effort for them to give me a chance and I couldn't really move on as I only had a week before the start of the second semester and during summer, I had to help my friends who were taking the bar. It hurt, I felt deeply hurt. I don't know what to do.

It’s been 7 months since we broke up and I still miss him. Like really miss him. And it’s not just at night when everything’s quiet and the world slows down, it’s in the randomest moments too. Like when I’m walking home and pass that pizza place we used to go to, or when a song we both loved comes on shuffle, or when I hear someone laugh that sounds like him. I swear I’ve tried everything. I deleted our pictures, muted him on socials (I couldn’t bring myself to block him yet), threw away the hoodie he left at my place… but still, he’s in my head like a ghost. I don’t wanna be that girl who’s stuck in the past, who talks about her ex like she doesn’t have anything else going on. But no matter what I do, he keeps comin back in my thoughts.

We were together for two years. And I know, that might not sound like forever, but when you're in it, it feels like forever. He wasn’t just a boyfriend—he was my best friend. The person I texted about everything, the one I wanted to see first when something good happened, or when my world was crashing down. We had inside jokes and stupid routines and all the things that make you feel like this is it, this is the person. And then suddenly, it wasn’t. We broke up because we wanted different things, or at least that’s what we told ourselves. But I think deep down it was just that he stopped trying, and I got tired of begging for effort. It wasn’t one big fight. It was a slow death.

Even though I know the relationship wasn’t healthy near the end, I still miss the good parts. The way he held me when I cried, how he remembered how I took my coffee, the little drawings he’d leave in my notebook when I wasn’t looking. And yeah, I miss the physical stuff too—his arms, his smell, the way he’d kiss my forehead when he thought I was asleep. It’s like I’m grieving someone who’s still alive, just not mine anymore. And that sucks more than anything. Cuz he’s out there, probably fine, probably moved on. And I’m still here wondering if he ever thinks about me like I think about him.

I’ve gone on a few dates since, tried to put myself back out there, but it all feels... flat. Like I’m comparing them to him without meaning to. I don’t want to do that, it’s not fair to them or to me. But my heart still has his fingerprints on it, and I don’t know how to wash them off. People keep telling me time heals, and maybe they’re right, but no one talks about what to do during the time. The hours that drag. The nights you wake up hoping it was all a dream. The urge to text him “I miss you” even though you know it’ll only make things worse. I’ve typed that message more times than I can count and deleted it every time.

So if you’re askin how to stop missing your ex, I don’t really have a perfect answer. I’m still learning. Still tryna unlearn the love I gave so freely. What I can say is… let yourself feel it. Don’t rush to fill the space with distractions or someone new. Sit with the ache, ugly cry if you need to, write letters you’ll never send. Talk about it. Get it out. But also, don’t let it define you. You’re still whole, even without them. You existed before them, and you’ll exist after. I’m starting to remember who I was before we met, and even though that girl feels far away, I’m trying to reach her again.

Some days are better than others. I still miss him, but I also miss me. The version of me that wasn’t waiting for a text, wasn’t second guessing her worth. So maybe the trick to stop missing your ex isn’t really about them. Maybe it’s about finding yourself again, piece by piece. And maybe one day, I’ll look back and smile, not because it didn’t hurt, but because I healed anyway.

I honestly don’t know how to even start this but I’ll just try and let it out. So I’m 19 and I’m in my first ever real relationship with a guy (and... I am a guy too). I didn’t plan on it or whatever, it just happened and I thought it was gonna be this amazing thing, like everything would fall into place. And at first, it kinda felt that way, I guess. He made me feel seen in ways that girls never really did. Not saying girls were bad or something, it just always felt like something was missing and then when he came along, it felt like maybe that missing piece showed up. But now I’m here and I’m realizing I love him but I don’t think I love him enough to make this work. And that sucks so bad. Like, what even is “enough love”? How do you measure that? All I know is I feel like I’m constantly trying to make things feel right and they just never do.

He’s got this energy that’s just… different. Not just different from mine, I mean opposite. Like oil and water type deal. He’s loud and sarcastic and super confident in a way that sometimes makes me feel invisible or like I’m just tagging along. I’m quieter, more chill, and I don’t like all the fighting and teasing. He says I’m “too sensitive” but I don’t think that’s fair. Like yeah maybe I take things to heart but that doesn’t mean he gets to walk all over my feelings. The other night he joked in front of his friends that I’m boring and even if he said “he was just messing,” it stayed in my head for days. That kinda stuff isn’t cool to me. I told him it hurt and he just laughed and said I was being dramatic. Is that how someone’s supposed to care about you? Like seriously?

And then there’s the part of me that feels like I’m the bad one for thinking of leaving. Like, what if I never find someone again? What if this is just how it’s supposed to feel? Maybe all relationships are just about learning to deal with stuff and I’m just being selfish. But isn’t it also true that being in love should make you feel safe and supported? I’m tired of always second-guessing myself. Every time I bring up something that bothers me, he flips it on me or makes me feel guilty like I’m making things up. I’ve caught myself keeping quiet just to avoid fights. That’s not healthy, right? But then again, maybe I’m overthinking things and being picky? I mean this is my first time in something like this… maybe I just suck at relationships.

So yeah. I’m stuck. I care about him a lot, and I don’t want to hurt him, but I also feel like I’m slowly losing parts of myself trying to keep him happy. I don’t feel like he truly sees me anymore. I feel more like a background character in his life than a boyfriend. I don’t want to be someone who stays in something just because they’re scared to leave. But I also don’t want to walk away too fast and regret it. If you’ve been in this kinda situation before, what did you do? How do you know when it’s really time to break up with someone? How do you stop loving someone who isn’t really right for you?

We have been married almost 30 years

I feel like I took too much too long

I have worked full time as my husband did, we raised a daughter, I did most of it, he barely changed her diaper, never woke up at night when she was little

I deal with all BS by his mother, and I was a selfish DILwhen I tried to set a boundary w her.

He has full on ADHD, when I come home after working 7 am to 5:30 pm, the house is a mess, I run like a crazy woman to tidy up the house to the level that is barely acceptable as a living environment. I obviously contribute our house purchase 50% from out joint bank account, but I can not enjoy the house because it is so cluttered, looks like a dump inside-out all the time. The yard was beautiful when we purchased the house, now it looks like a junk yard. Things are placed so randomly, if I mention about it, he would say something like he is trying to don't look at them. But he refuses to get a house keeper because “I don't want a stranger in our house” or “I don't trust those people.”

I deal with his MIL living in our backyard house, and I am 100% sure she has bipolar personality disorder but my husband try to satisfy her like a little boy try to please mother who never satisfy. She acts like a princess while she is 88yo. Just hard to watch. He sacrifices everything including his job, his health, sanity, and his family. The relationships between him, I, and our daughter are non-existing because he devote his everything to take care of his parents. We have not had family time for years.

How is this ok, I am taking way too much, feels like I am done with being a good person because everybody is taking an advantage over me

Survival is paramount, especially in a company where the "company" aspect is merely a facade to mask the shady dealings that are brewing inside. They prioritize survival above all else. The authorities intend to treat it like a private home, managing it according to family power transfers, but this already reveals their incompetence. The authorities are blind, making decisions based solely on eliminating problems, without considering the consequences. No one there bothered to protect me or my friend, not in any way, as everyone was focused on clinging to authority and upholding the hegemony of their respective groups for their own protection. No one believed that someone would be capable of betraying my group, of orchestrating my departure, and of securing a position of authority—a position that was also my friend, a leader among the others, even though not within the bureaucracy. This doesn't limit her actions, which, in fact, don't consist of giving me orders, since it's a team effort, but rather of acting openly in front of everyone. She counts on me, and the others know that I can operate independently, something that would seem insane to others if they weren't part of a group. However, every group has its strengths, and I'm someone who likes to improve in every situation.

My work group thought I knew everything about tax management, but they didn't count on me being swayed, on knowing how to use their questions to my advantage, on realizing that any trust I placed in them was simply naive, because there was never any such trust. They assumed so, not realizing that everything I said was entirely in my favor, and I was exposing them in their eagerness to go beyond what was necessary at work. They are people who don't respect clear company boundaries, whose role is purely political even in the performance of their duties, with a desperate desire to survive, at the cost of nothing but silence. With my friend and me, that wasn't the case. In fact, after a conflict, I spoke of her needing to vent, but they took it as if it were my doing, when in reality it wasn't. Throughout the whole process, they thrived on their group deficiencies, on achieving anything that would benefit them, on the idea that I couldn't say anything and that they could control the discourse, but along the way, that dynamic began to crumble. They tried to steer things this way and that, without success, creating such a mess that they reached a point where they had no choice but to resort to any excuse to create a bitter, poorly crafted, desperate image of me. They were already in a state of flux, not really knowing what was happening; only their fears remained. To the point that, in an attempt to prevent them at all costs, they went so far as to provide the very thing that would give them grounds for denunciation: preventing me from going to the company because they weren't going there, not for work-related reasons, even though I could go.

It was very easy to crush them. That wasn't my objective per se, because there's always the possibility of surrender, but they can fight to the end. After all, it's the only thing they have left after failing, to find some solace in the attention of others. Ultimately, what they seek is an absolute loss of power, a loss that arbitrariness has wrought upon them—that's the protocol. My friend is extremely happy, not for any other reason than that she's finally managed to make my boss, a chauvinist disguised as a constant barrage of stress and jokes, completely contrary to his usual persona, fawn over her. He can't say a word about her, not even the slightest bit. She feels fortunate to offer him any support, especially in those situations where a little help is always welcome. But in her case, it means dealing with someone who desperately asks why on earth she's being included in something she hasn't agreed to in any way—something that did happen with me, of course, under justification and behind other people's backs. We're told we have a friendly relationship, not a friendship, but in practice, it amounts to the same thing. She leads by putting herself out there in front of the group, making those comments behind closed doors, in order to establish ourselves. Our group allows us the advantage—a delightful one we always crave—of exercising our individuality as we wish. After all, we fulfill our job duties completely, leaving any potential mistakes and other issues to the bosses, who, due to stress and the need to prevent conflicts through desperately given instructions, have to put up with it. In the office, we feel completely free to be ourselves and to have the relationships we want, adapting our approach to the environment.

It's about doing our own thing, something special, something meaningful, something that allows us to feel a dignified intimacy, but that transcends circumstances and situations. We're not here for that; we're tired of the staged events, which in themselves lead us to feel completely insecure around others. Feeling different, and others perceiving us that way, has meant that these situations serve as mere bait for some kind of gain, some abuse of the pleasures we can offer to those around us, but don't want to. This has been one of my boss's obsessions with both me and her, because he couldn't see things one way and believed they couldn't be any other, resulting in constant sabotage. She's the worst person, attached to his secretary, who thought she had all the tools in the emotional game, but that wasn't true. My boss had someone who knew absolutely nothing about emotions, other than how to manipulate in a completely obvious way that convinced no one, and on top of that, he was obsessed with seeing things done quickly so he could keep moving forward. Their serious problem is that they didn't consider their position, what they were facing, and the experience of everything ending so quickly, without much discernment of the consequences, precisely because of the limitations of the company itself. This could easily lead one or the other to make accusations against the other.

My friend and I thrive on a pleasant, enjoyable, and timely yet coordinated connection, which provides the other essential ingredients. We recognize that it arises within an environment not designed for this kind of interaction, but we embrace it and make something of it, which is why each encounter is simply special. Their current blockages, in effect, are ways of reinforcing the idea that our changes are made by ourselves, without any interference from either of us in the other's life. This allows for that space, that openness to our feelings, and it has certainly done us good. To the point where, albeit somewhat dilapidatedly, we can say that each of us is more prudent with the others in our communication, knows our place, our limits, and is no longer disruptive. We emerged within the social order, and that's precisely why we have a place there. The seed for it was already there, thus conveying to the surroundings that it was worthwhile. That's when we stopped trying to create divisions among ourselves, which only made our lives more stressful, more closed off, and less open, giving the impression that we would eventually leave the company. Now, it's precisely this collaborative spirit within the environment that allows both them and us to feel connected. Each of us, my friend and I, contributes from wherever we can, with whomever we can, and however we can, to those who are strictly within the work sphere. It's clear who we are, and that's why we all breathe, because everyone respects each other's boundaries.

As for the little group of thugs I was talking about, the issue was that everyone was waiting for that moment when everyone would leave them, even me, who, according to them, was the best treated of the group.

Do you ever have that weird feeling in your body when you are in a group of people/a busy room with people where you feel like you don't belong in that place/moment or where you just feel invisible like a waste of space or a disappointment? that basically sums up me right now or a lot of the time.

story: So last night I went to my sisters high school for her banquet "BAND banquet" (my sister is in band/matching band so its like her "awards day" but for highschool/middelschool bad) It was me, my sister and my parents. when we got there our parents brought food and went to set it up. my parents friends MR and MRS P needed help checking people in at 6:00 and give tickets. so our parents when to the front doors to help.

my mother told me and my sister to stay where we are and watch our "stuff" (jackets and umbrellas) and as soon as they left my sister got up and I asked "where are you going??" she said: "To go find my friends." me; "why? her: "because I can" me: "but mom told us to stay here" her; "She didn't say that." me; "whatever just go-" (we started to argue so I just said go) I was upset because she wasn't supposed to leave even though shes older and she left me to be more mature and watch the stuff because I know If I left to wonder my mom would yell at me and my sister so I knew someone had to stay and I didn't feel like arguing. so basically people came in and started sitting and hanging out, kids being with their friends and my sister with hers. I started to get lonely seeing people so happy and looking like they belonged unlike me...eventually it was time to eat food, people got called up to go by tables. I had to wait for my dad to get my food so I could eat. still by myself My dad eventually came and I got to eat. my dad went back to helping I was by myself eating my dads cooking talking to myself acting like my family was with me and my dad asking how the food/cupcake tasted. and when I was done I felt sad and so alone while my sister had fun with her friends and eventually my mom came and was mad at my sister Abit for being with her friends. my mom came and ask; "have you been sitting by yourself this whole time??" me; "yeah" her: "you didn't have too, you could have come down and hangout with me." me; "but you told us to stay with the stuff and I cant leave it'" she eventually went to get her food and she/my mom sat with me and asked how my food was trying to make me feel better. and that's that.

I feel like my sister always does this. leaves when she feels like it or "change her mind" when watching our dog and cause an argument or make things unfair (keep note shes the older sibling, I'm the younger one) I feel like I have to be the adult between us and do all the adult like stuff when shes almost 18 next year and i'll only be 15. Its like she takes advantage of me so she can do her thing. even though shes the one that wants to do things "fair" when all she does is leave me to "baby sit" by myself and makes me feel wasted or like not important in anyway when I've done so much to be noticed in school, for others and my own family.

I just don't know. maybe I'm to hard on myself or my sister.

thoughts? (no negative thoughts or comments please)

There were these girls I was rude to in fifth grade named Sadie and Molly (I will bring Molly up more later). Sadie is the most annoying hypocrite ever. We would get into fights all the time over the smallest things, and she would always say, 'Maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore.' I had to talk her out of it every single day. After around three months, I got really annoyed and started being rude to her and other people. I also started ignoring Molly.At the beginning of sixth grade, I told Molly and Sadie I was truly sorry for being a jerk and wanted to start over. Molly said she forgave me, and we started hanging out again, though I don't really believe she actually forgave me. Because Sadie is such a hypocrite, she told everyone, including Molly, to stay far away from me.Molly and I would secretly talk to each other when Sadie wasn't looking. When Molly got caught, Sadie would guilt-trip her and get furious. It took half the year for the teachers to realize what was going on because Molly and I were afraid Sadie would spread rumors, or that the teachers would think we were overreacting. Soon, the Sadie drama died down, but Molly randomly started reminding me about how much of a jerk I was to her in fifth grade. She makes fun of me by calling me ugly, mocking my interests as 'cringe,' and insulting the way I talk. I have told her to stop multiple times, but she still won't. She is giving me lower self-esteem than Sadie ever did. I feel like I have to change my interests, personality, and looks just so she won't make fun of me.

It's kinda funny when you're the only single dude in a sea of couples. Feels like I'm the odd man out. I'm 31, and while my mates are all wrapped up in their romantic dramas, I'm left watching from the sidelines. Never had a girlfriend, never been on a proper date. People look at me like I should be in some sort of crisis, but honestly, I'm just trying to figure out how to be okay with flying solo. Like, is there a manual for this? Society loves to shove the idea of love down our throats, but it's not like I'm missing a limb or something just because I'm not in love. They say everyone's journey is different, but when you're the last single soldier, you start questioning if their "journey" line is just a polite way to say, "Bro, you're screwed."

Now let's get real. Alone isn't the end of the world, though. There's this article I read once; author's name escapes me, but they mentioned how the ability to enjoy your own company is an underrated skill. So, I’m trying to hunt down that “enjoying-my-own-company” skill myself. They say solitude builds character or some crap like that. I mean, seriously, it’s not like I’m some antisocial weirdo. I've got my stuff sorted—job, hobbies, and a half-decent social life, but I’m missing that one box everyone else has ticked. You ever sit at a dinner table alone while everyone else is paired off? Doesn't it make you wanna scream, "What the hell went wrong, and where was I when everyone else was figuring out this relationship stuff?" 😤

The comparisons are a killer, though. Scrolling through Instagram, seeing my friends' bae-this and boo-that posts, sometimes I want to throw my phone into the ocean. But then there are days when I genuinely enjoy not having to answer to anyone. Personal anecdote: came back from a long shift once, made the world's nastiest greasy burger, plopped down to binge-watch Netflix for hours. My buddies couldn’t do that without getting an earful from their partners. Freedom is just a term thrown around, but for single guys like me, it's reality. Am I missing out on romantic getaways and couple goals, or am I living my best life without any chains? There's no bias here; just facts about different lifestyles.

Still, there’s this nagging feeling sometimes. Wondering if maybe, just maybe, something's wrong with me. I know it’s dumb as hell, but I can’t shake it off. It’s like this internal battle of wanting what they have but not fully committing to it. Healthy? Debatable; Necessary? Might just be. But these feelings of doubt and solitude are part of the human experience, or so the self-help books keep saying. I’m not searching for sympathy or solutions; just venting out loud, trying to find my footing on this solo adventure. So, dear reader, if you’ve got the magic formula for being cool with solitude, I’m all ears. Or perhaps we're in the same boat, navigating through this solo life without a compass but making the most of what we’ve got.

Today I went to the pharmacy to pick up some antihistamines, and the pharmacist asked if I was feeling better (I’d been unwell for months, mainly because of my shitty family). I wanted to scream: "Yes, for fuck's sake, I *am* better—I haven't spoken a word to my shitty parents in over a month, so you bet I'm better." I left the bag in the car and went to the supermarket; when I got back, I found my mother and sister rummaging through it. "What are these?" they asked, pointing to the antihistamines. For fuck's sake—I get that you’re illiterate and barely finished fifth grade, but "AERIUS ANTIHISTAMINE" is written in huge letters. Are you serious? Unfortunately for me, pharmacies don't sell drugs yet.

I don't know... what a shitty life this is.

25 years old and I haven't done a damn thing with my life.

25 years old and I’m not even free to go out alone to the supermarket ten minutes away.

25 years old and I spend my days in bed with headphones on, blasting music loud enough to shatter my eardrums just to drown out my thoughts.

What’s the point of bringing kids into the world and then raising them like shit?

And as if that weren't enough, they bully us for the state we're in and compare us to other people's kids.

Other people's kids don't have shitty parents.

Other people's kids are free.

Other people's kids didn't grow up forbidden from even stepping outside the front door to play with other children.

The kids my mother envies so much didn't have shitty parents.

What is the point of my life?

There is no point.

The only reason I haven't ended it all yet is the music I listen to otherwise, I’d miss out on new releases from the artists I follow.

And even if I did end it, my family wouldn't think about *me* first; they’d worry about what people would think.