Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

My friend seems to be less interested in spending time with me

So I had a surgery 2 weeks ago and since then I keep struggling with complications such as choking and hiccuping specially hiccuping it doesn't stop 24/7 which is ruining my life

im so embarassed to talk about girls to my friends because i dont want to come across as sappy or desperate, and i feel like i shouldnt need someone like that in my life, and i can just have close friends. but to be honest, ive never had that close of a friend before.

the girl that i was "talking" to (at least i viewed it that way) added me first, and she was super sweet when i first started talking to her. we had a few common interests and were doing all the classic texting stuff. however, i kept asking if she wanted to talk more in person because i only ever saw her during school. she kept avoiding the conversation and eventually i just said that i loved talking to her and spending time with her and that i liked her, and i asked for her number. she said that she just wanted to be friends and that i didnt do anything wrong and that im still a good person, and that shed rather just stay on snap bc its easier for her.

when we first started talking, i tried to be as authentic as possible and talked about the stresses and anxiety that i had in my life, bc honestly at the time she was one of the best friends i had ever had. i felt like i could count on her and could trust her more than i ever have even with my closest friend (i dont talk to him much anymore now that i moved far away). me and her even shared pretty personal stories about our family situations and struggles that we were having. after i told her that i liked her quite a bit, she seemed to become a bit more closed off, and i did in return. i dont really like her the same as i did before, but we still talk for a few minutes over snaps every day. however, now i feel like i have to walk on thin ice when im talking to her and have to avoid certain topics, and cant really talk about my problems like i feel like i used to be able to do with her, in fear that she'll think that i like her still. its not that i like her, its just that i miss having such a close friend and someone i could trust.

i forgot to mention, about two weeks into becoming quite close with her (or at least i thought so), i sprained my ankle and bruised my other foot pretty bad. im still hurting every day from it, meaning i cant train for football, which is the biggest and most important part of my life and my dream is to play pro. my feet are hurt so bad that i cant even walk for more than five minutes without them getting sore. rehab is so so slow, and being hurt for over two months now has made my mental health absolutely horrible. i feel so anxious all the time, and i cant escape it. im trapped in my house all day, sitting on my a** and not being able to train or play pickup with friends. my car also broke down at the same time i hurt my feet, and i havent been able to find a job for the past 4 months. i cant go anywhere, i cant do anything active, i cant even go on a walk to help clear my head. i live with my dad and stepmom, and their pretty emotionally absent. ive never been able to trust them enough to tell them about things like this, especially because it gets brought up and sometimes held over my head by them and my brother as well. i feel like my brain is trapped in a cage, ramming itself against the walls to try and get out, but only hurting itself more in the process. ive tried drawing, ive tried playing video games, etc., but nothing fills the void that soccer/football occupies in my life.

i feel horrible, not only for me, but for her as well. i feel like i lost a close friend that i could genuinely talk to, and i feel like i betrayed her trust as well by letting my emotions get the better of me and spilling them out to her all at once. i dont know if theres anything i can do to make this right, and i feel like our friendship is permanently damaged. i cant get her out of my brain, not even in a romantic way, just in a support way. im scared to apologize again bc i feel like shes already moved on from me and has replaced the time that i spent with her with someone else. she has told me a couple days ago that shes up until 2am sometimes on facetime, and it makes me so disappointed bc ive never been able to have that close of a relationship with someone, romantic or not, and it also makes me feel dispensable and like im not worth her time or effort.

ive tried watching videos and telling myself that itll all be okay, and that im worth enough. and truly, i do feel like im a good person to be around, and i check up on all of my friends, including her, very regularly. but i feel like no one has ever done that for me. i feel like im always the one trying to start conversations with other people. im always the one checking up on others. im the one asking about how theyre doing or whats going on in their lives. im always the one saying that im there for them if they ever need to rant. but i cant remember a single time that any of my friends have ever asked if i needed to rant, if i had something on my mind, if i had something i wanted to talk about. ive heard that everyone sorta feels this way, but i just dont think thats true. i feel like when i could talk to her, i finally had my person that i could lean on, but now i think ive lost it for good.

ive heard that trying to fill a void with someone is not a good way to start to any kind of friendship. and i can understand that. but right now i feel so lost and stressed out, like all of my problems are slowly seeping their way into the cage enclosing my brain, ready to drown it out. i cant take it anymore. i need someone that will listen. i need someone that can relate to me. please tell me what i can do to make this all go away, and to help me find true friends that vouch for me and will support me in times like these.

ever get that feeling like you're the only one walking through school halls invisible to the world????? i'm 17 and it's like i'm in some glitch in the simulation. others are collecting friends like i collect those stupid online game achievements, but me??? nada. it's not that i haven't tried either; i've done the whole "join a club" thing, poured my soul into band practice, and stayed late at those oversold "life-changing" workshops that counselors swear are opportunities. sure, i've got acquaintances, but those hollywood-style, ride-or-die friendships???? ha, guess they're on backorder for me!!! who knew navigating the social web would feel like trying to solve a rubik's cube blindfolded? i sometimes wonder, am i a walking wifi dead zone or living life on airplane mode?????

remember some adults love throwing out advice like "be yourself" or "you've got to put yourself out there"... gee, thanks, hadn't thought of that. it's not like i'm antisocial or a wallflower, though talking to someone feels like booting up an old pc—slow, clunky, but it gets there in the end (most times). at every pep talk, i nod like a bobblehead or a yes man, but when it boils down to it, that six-word mantra becomes white noise. "fake it 'til you make it" seems enticing—pretending i've got it all together in hopes it becomes a reality. *spoiler alert*—still waiting on that shift. maybe i missed the memo on how to fit the mold or ace the secret friendship interview. should i be taking notes?????

but here's the kicker—each day, my classmates flaunt their BFFs with matching necklaces or those idiotic coordinated dance moves. "watch our sick routine!" they say—ugh, puke me to the moon. why can't someone be cool with the more chill type, like wandering the local trails or binging some obscure cult classic??? not that i'm bitter (just checking!!!), but i'm strangely optimistic, like some masochistic sucker believing that karma has a twisted sense of humor. i guess it's true what some say, "good things come to those who wait." maybe the human algorithm just hasn't processed my request yet??? online, i've found comrades-in-keyboards who share the same plight—living charades waiting for our tribe to find us. strangely comforting, yet bittersweet.

so what's the game plan now????? patience sucks, but it's part of life's obnoxious curriculum, isn't it????? pushing forward, reminding yourself "this too shall pass" because high school isn't the endgame. hell, it's only the first level before the real quest truly begins. the awkwardness??? a rite of passage into adulthood's unfathomable chaos. the absence of friends doesn't define the haphazard journey of societal expectations. instead, embracing my quirks might just attract another oddball-looking-for-their-own kindred spirit. anyone else feeling the struggle to "fit in," just like me???? because life is a marathon, not a sprint―and it’s a damn long run without podcasts or a killer playlist. maybe one day i'll have one of those laugh-till-you-cry revelations and thank the universe for its eccentric ways. but till then, i'll keep clicking 'refresh' on life's social page, waiting for that genial notification to ping.

recently, I reached out to an old friend of mine via a social media platform that I suspect a majority of us habitually frequent. Now, this wasn't just any acquaintance from the fleeting days of yore but someone whose companionship had once been as indispensable as a cup of coffee on a dreary Monday morning. We'd shared innumerable experiences and inside jokes known only to those fortunate enough to bask in the radiance of genuine camaraderie. Suffice it to say, my expectations were not unreasonably high; yet our exchange was astoundingly underwhelming.

Engaging in conversation felt like deciphering an encrypted message: tedious, lacking eloquence or even the slightest sliver of mutual understanding. Our dialogue stuttered awkwardly over digital pages like a second-rate novel riddled with spelling errors. Perhaps it was due to the absence of facial expressions or tone that's inherent when communicating via such platforms; I can’t help but surmise that our friendship might've slipped into obsolescence, much like an outdated software lacking updates.

In one last attempt at salvaging what appeared irreparably fractured, I purposefully employed specific industry jargon (terms we'd both tossed around effortlessly back in the day) in hopes they would reignite dormant embers of shared intellectual pursuits. Alas: no sparks ignited from there either and banter became laborious rather than lively. It's astonishing really how two people once inseparable could drift apart as if transported across vast disciplines separated by miles upon cavernous voids.

You could argue perhaps social circumstances have reshaped who we are today.... a plausible assertion considering variables such as professional trajectories or personal developments that contribute profoundly towards recalibrating one's priorities or outlook on life (yes 'life' itself warrants reevaluation periodically). Nevertheless... I persistently entertained optimism perched atop fragile hopefulness... the realization my best intentions catalyzed nothing noteworthy makes me question whether rekindling friendships is worth enduring this disappointing digital dance floor.

To others experiencing similar predicaments regarding stagnant connections within their social ecospheres: know you're certainly not riding solo through tumultuous seas fraught with paradoxical ambiguity! What remains unclear now is whether pressing forward constitutes progressively fostering reconstructed bonds anew... or merely clinging onto vestiges bound tightly against currents pushing you inevitably elsewhere altogether;

Have you ever felt like your mother is the source of your problems? Yeah? Me too. Like she is the fuel in the fire that I am drowning in. She is providing me all this warm and then burning me, leaving scars on the skin. My mother talks about toxicity, bad friends, bad life choices. She tells me how *I* feel. She doesn't know me, does she? No. She thinks she does, the cause of all my problems. The hopelessness, the pain, the anger that follows it all. I hate it.

I hate my mother.

How can I retrieve the pieces of my mind and soul I so fearfully scattered as a boy?

There is a name and a face and a reflection- and somewhere within I'm sure it MUST be me- yes? Of course..and yet, not so sure. It may be fear. Maybe it's my mind protecting itself. But that hasn't worked.. and it won't. Only by facing these demons may I potentially gain.. anything. I've run all my life. When I finally escaped that house, that place of perversions so grotesque that to put them to words here would likely offend any notion of humanity. I ran, and I ran so far. Like many times. But it wasn't far enough. So I went farther, in all directions. My Soul one way, my Will another, and the balance of each lost and forgotten. I cloaked myself in anger, in wrath and fury. I armed myself with a hair trigger temper, rigging bridges to burn and ensuring none could know me, none could touch me. For some time it was fuel. I moved forward with angry, distorted purpose. I was powerful, I felt powerful. I felt that though I'd been so hurt, said pain brought me an anger only a life of tortures and perversions could give, and thus, it made me something else. A little human and a little I'm not sure. I lied to myself, I said it was strength. But how can one find himself buried under an entire mountain, and look to his fellow and say "Because the stone rests atop me, clearly; it is held up."

It didn't last. Eventually anger gave way to sorrow. Sorrow gave way to fear. I started to see a young boy in my mind who was frightened and enraged. He wore my face. At first I cursed him. How weak, how pathetic I must be to even consider empathy to my younger self. All the failed escapes, all the.. everything. The abuses. I was weak, and then, one day, I hit back and I fucking ran. Which must mean that now, I am ten feet tall, no? Ugh.

But the hurt of that young kid- of me- this weird, almost separate(as my conscience would have liked me to believe) 'version' of me, as a kid.. he needed help. He cried. He sobbed. And sometimes if I listened, such cries could almost have been said to come from me. But no one was allowed to know that. I run again. And again. Thousands of kilometers. How many cities, provinces? How many states?? Even countries? Never far enough, never fast enough. And now? I've run again. I've stayed.. longer than ever. I am tired. I am thinking in many ways different than those years. Sometimes kinder. Sometimes defeated. But never without anger.. And what a poison that is. A young man, his hair already graying because of the sins of his progenitors. What madness robbed me of who I am. Why can I not accept? I tell myself I have let things go, but have they let ME go? Never. I just want to find myself again. If I ever existed. I wish I could forgive myself for being powerless. God, I wish I wasn't so broken.

Everytime someone is trying to fix something it always comes out the worst but it's fine it is what it is lol

I (19-year-old male) told my mother I was gay today.

To start with, I've know i was gay for years yet I've never told anyone, not a friend, not an acquaintance, and especially not a family member. The though of coming out was near paralyzing to me, i feared so much. I feared I'd be shunned, i fear they'd treat me differently, i fear they'd kick me out, I fear loosing the people I loved(my family).

However, recently I started watching a show, Heartstopper. It's quiet a warm pallet cleanser of a show, and yet It gave me the push of courage i needed. As such, I decided I wanted to tell my mother, the person I love and am closest to in my family.

I tried to temper my nerves the night before, I wrote motivation on my arm(I'm ready, I'm wonderful, & I'm strong), listened to music, prepared words to say, etc... and yet my nerves didn't loosened much(I could barely fall asleep). Even with these nerves, i managed to push myself through the anxiety and start the talk.

Now it wasn't smooth, it wasn't perfectly direct at first, but It was the best I could do. I literally started it with the question "Are you good at keeping secrets?", thankfully my mother seemed to sense that I wanted to say something. Eventually, after much internal struggle I managed to get to the hardest part, just saying "I'm gay".

She actually reacted with such kindness that I didn't expect. She didn't deny my feelings, she held my hand, she said "I love you". I'm honestly getting a bit teary just thinking of this. In my head, I had so many fears and doubt about how she might handle this, yet she took it so well.

She even said she "kinda suspected it", that she had a hunch from when i was 2 and i pointed at a hot guy on the cover of one of her romance novels and said "I like him" which is so silly. I don't ever think I felt so relieved as i did in this moment.

Now don't get me wrong, my body was still in fight, flight, or freeze, and so i kind of ran away soon after to process everything that just happened.

Overall, I just wanted to share this recent moment of my life that touched me deeply, and gives me hope within my many fears and doubts.

This is probably going to be my final post anyway let me get into it.( for my context check my last post) Currently I’m just in the idgaf stage Ive truly lost pretty much lost a lot of hope almost all of it. I’m also just at the point where I don’t care to get better, I don’t want to get better, and I don’t want better for myself. I’m considering distancing myself from everyone(including friends,family, even teachers) and potentially cut off people as a whole. I’m also going to refrain from making new friends and telling people how I feel period it’s no one’s business. Honestly my plan going forward Is to just turn myself in and do my time and then after I finish my time I’ll kill myself. And my goal for being an astronomer is most likely dead at this point I’ll probably be dead before then and not do I really want to put in the effort to achieve it and improve my math skills so basically I’ve given up on it and to be honest it’s upsetting to think about. I’m also pretty apathetic and resistant to the idea of therapy now I’ve accepted that I don’t want to get better and it would be a waste of money for my family members to even pay for it because I wouldn’t cooperate and I would be hard to work with and it would also be a waste of time for the therapist. Anyway that’s all I wanted to say and I appreciate those who gave me support on my last post.

Last night I was cheated on for the first time and I’m truly devastated…

Turns out the guy involved was someone I have a lot of drama/history with and I woke up to a message from him this morning…

He’s upload a clip to this website of him and my girlfriend last night and I’m just absolutely godsmacked 😕

At the moment I’m just trying to get the video taken down but I really need to focus on the reality and accept my girlfriend cheated on me with a guy she knows I dislike…

It’s over 💔

so, i recently discovered my husband has been cheating on me for two years... apparently he says it's finished now but can i really trust that?! uncovering this betrayal only a few weeks ago, i'm still like a whirlwind of emotions overflowing with uncertainty... how do i move past this? it's frustrating to think that all those 'special' moments we shared were just lies disguising his deceit. what really grinds my gears is the audacity he had to carry on like everything was normal... lying straight to my face!!! Though i'm hurt beyond measure i can't help but question if there's a way forward from here or if i'm stuck in this agony forever.. my nights are restless as memories replay in an endless loop, us celebrating birthdays, anniversaries without even suspecting foul play. some tell me time heals, but what's tied to that clock? why should i even consider remaining stuck in something that's tainted by betrayal?. maintaining composure while contemplating next steps feels absurdly artificial given the upheaval in our life. trust shattered and heart in pieces, yet society expects pleasant smiles and swift moves along. it seems like painstaking reconstruction work ahead - mending what remains of respect and hope inside this fractured bond. perhaps forgiveness is a path worth treading??... after all everyone makes mistakes but looking past infidelity - tough as nails! grappling with raw pain alongside curiosity over future possibilities keeps the mind busy yet exhausted ..... therapist consultations are suggested by many acquaintances, whatever... cynicism furnished its permanent piece within me though digging through layers might eventually reveal clarity solutions optimism some claim linger there!

i’ve been thinkin about this a lot lately, like way more than i probly should, but i just can’t help it. i go to this school where so many kids are rich or like... pretty well off. not just talkin new clothes or fancy phones, i mean actual money. like they get picked up in shiny cars, talk about their summer trips to europe, have the newest gadgets before they even come out. nd then there’s me. my shoes are always a little worn out, i still got the same backpack since 7th grade, and when ppl talk about “weekend plans” mine are usually helpin my mom clean or babysit my cousin. my family’s not just “not rich,” we’re broke-broke. i don’t blame them or anything, they work hard, they love me, we just never had much. and while no one at school has ever been mean to me about it, not once, i still feel it. like this quiet voice in my head always whisperin “you don’t belong here.”

what sucks the most is that i do have friends. like, good ones. they include me in everything, they don’t care i don’t have name-brand stuff or can’t always go out when they do. they joke with me, they listen, they’re just... normal. and i try to act normal too. i laugh, i join in, i smile. but inside, i’m always thinkin about what i’m missing. i feel like i have to try harder just to be at the same level. if we’re doin a project, i work extra hard so they don’t think i’m dumb. if we’re hangin out, i make sure i’m funny or helpful or something, like i gotta earn my place all the time. and they never asked me to. they never made me feel like i’m “less than.” but that don’t change the fact that i still feel less than. i can’t stop comparing. even if i got the same grade or the same laugh, i still feel like i’m catching up to everyone else’s life.

i don’t even talk to anyone about it, not even my best friend. how do you even say, “hey, i feel small around you sometimes even tho you’re nice to me”? it’s not their fault i feel this way. it’s just... the way everything is. the way i grew up always worrying about bills or food or how to fix something ourselves because we can’t pay someone to do it. nd even when i’m at school, doing fine, gettin decent grades, i still feel like one wrong move and i’ll slip and they’ll all realize i’m not like them. it makes me scared to dream big sometimes. like, who am i to think i can be something? go to a big college? have a cool job? buy my mom a house? sounds fake when i say it out loud. it’s hard to believe in yourself when everything around you has always told you to settle. and even harder when you’re in a place full of people who already have what you’re fightin for.

so yeah, how to overcome inferiority complex? hell if i know. i’m still figurin it out. maybe it starts with stopping the comparisons, or reminding myself that money don’t make someone better than me. maybe i gotta start believing my friends actually like me for me, not what i have. i guess i gotta remind myself that i’m smart, i’m funny (sometimes lol), i’m kind, and those things matter too. but it’s not easy. some days it’s like carrying a weight i can’t drop. but i’m tryna be better. i’m tryna hold my head up even when my shoes are scuffed. maybe i don’t got all the stuff they got, but i got my own story. and maybe one day, i’ll look back at this and realize i was enough the whole time. just gotta keep goin. one step at a time.

Some days, I convince myself I’m fine that I’m exaggerating, that I’m seeking attention, that I should just be braver. Other days, the truth slips out quietly: I’m not okay.

Not broken.

Not hopeless.

Just not okay.

I’ve ignored that truth for a long time, hoping it would fade. It didn’t. It waited. And now it shows up in my body, in my sleep, in the days I can’t make myself go.

I don’t want to disappear from my life.

I don’t want anxiety to decide for me.

I just want someone even myself to believe that what I’m feeling is real, even if it doesn’t look dramatic from the outside.

Maybe this chapter isn’t about weakness at all.

Maybe it’s about how long I’ve been strong without being held.

In my line of work within a specific branch of government, we have a close-knit community. Among my colleagues is someone I'll refer to as Sara, who recently put me in a rather precarious situation. Sara and I have always had a decent working relationship, strictly professional, and she's known for her integrity.

Sara came to me with a request to help her secure a personal loan of $25,000. Her objective is to purchase a space to set up a store in her hometown, aiming to boost her husband’s financial stability.

Personally, I’ve managed to stay debt-free and cautious about any financial engagements. Trusting Sara wasn’t the issue, but the magnitude of the loan and its implications made me anxious. I expressed my reservations, telling her, “I understand this is crucial for you, but I’m not comfortable with the risk associated with cosigning such a substantial sum. It’s a serious financial commitment, and I’m not ready to undertake that risk.”

This response led Sara to become visibly upset and emotional. She retorted, “You don’t trust me? This store is our chance to secure our financial future! The bank won’t consider my husband because he doesn’t have a job right now. I really thought you could help me.”

Although I felt awful for declining, my stance was firm based on my own financial principles—something influenced by my admiration for financial guru, Dave Ramsey, and his skepticism towards debt.

Now, the atmosphere between Sara and me has grown tense, and she's scarcely conversing with me. The guilt for not aiding her does linger, yet I remain convinced that prioritizing my financial health was the right choice.

Was I wrong to refuse to cosign her loan?

Imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show. The cameras capturing every detail, the audience likely split in their sympathies. The pressures of public opinion could potentially sway my decision or make the fallout from my refusal even more dramatic. How would the audience react, watching these personal and financial dilemmas unfold in real time? Would they champion my cautious approach, or condemn it as unsympathetic?