Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I often scratch myself when I’m triggered or angry and such and one time I got very upset and the scratches were prominent and a bit inflamed. I always did such thing discreetly so my parents wouldn’t notice but it was so inflamed and my mom noticed. She immediately got angry at me and told me that I’m stupid for harming myself and that it won’t solve anything and that I should just stop. Now I want to do it more. What should I do?

I've been in a constant state of fight or flight, honestly I've been in crisis, since the election. I'm disabled, trans and intersex, other flavors of 'undesirable' in the eyes of the government. I was close to taking my life and writing hotlines pretty much everyday sobbing my eyes out. My psychiatrist said if I refused to be hospitalized (I did) then we were down to Spravato and Electroconvulsive Therapy... Yes, she basically said the only solution was nasal spray ketamine or electroshock. I wish I was joking. I'm allergic to so much that these three things were my only option left. Are my only option, but I'm just done. No. I refuse it all.

There's a decent chance ALL healthcare might be taken away from me soon anyhow.

I decided to give Spravato a try, I was really, really hoping it would work. It didn't. My blood pressure shot up so high I almost had to go to the ER, I couldn't stop panicking and crying, I almost threw up multiple times. I am familiar with dissociation, it's a horrendous feeling I get sadly often, but I can tell the... Cycle of it? I suppose? As in, even when dissociating or having derealization, I can tell when it's at it's worst and when it's staring to wane. With Spravato, not so, it was two hours of being at the worst part of all my dissociative episodes and panic attacks at once with no reprieve. Closing my eyes made it worse, I couldn't even try to sleep to get through it, I had so many nurses coming in and out. A random man who was there also getting Spravato himself came in and tried to talk me and my mother through it and reassure us that sometimes that that even still happened to him. I can remember the talking, but it's more like I'm looking back on a movie I watched, not something I witnessed. All that felt like it was me in that moment was the fear. Nausea. My heart wanting to break through my ribcage, the pain of each heartbeat, rattling in my brain of memories and thoughts both that I couldn't differentiate among other things. It was just too much.

Finally, finally after two hours it started to let up, they took my blood pressure and since it wasn't at a concerning level (it was not normal still but not medically concerning? I think?) I was allowed to come home. I almost threw up multiple times on the ride home.

I was essentially sedated for three or four days after, too tired to tell what I was feeling but knowing I wasn't happy or okay, just too tired to cry or panic anymore. My heart kept beating funny off and on, though, I kept getting chest pain off and on. It's still happening off and on and it's been a few weeks. I'm scared it permanently damaged my heart, I already have so much going on, I can't do it.

All therapeutic effects it had are gone, all the fear and grief and dread and pain are back in full force, my family is trying to convince me to try it again and I refuse. My mother told me, essentially, she liked me better sedated. My pain, my fear for my life under this regime in America with so much being taken away from me (after being attacked just getting groceries two weeks after the election by the way), is an inconvenience so I need to just "be normal."

I can't help but wonder if there's hidden meaning behind "be normal." I could get into the why, I could get into my whole life story leading up to this of medical malpractice, but I won't. It's too much. There's so much I need and want to say but what's even the point?

I suppose I'll end this with something that happened a few days ago that's still hurting me, that was my reason to coming to this site again. I still don't really know how it works, if you can see my other post, but it's pertinent to this if you can. I tried one more time, one more time to reach out to someone to help me, give me help feasible for me with all of my limitations. Admittedly, getting a bit angry, because all the "advice" given even when I explained my situation was things I couldn't do. I tried explaining again, and it was turned back on me. I'm apparently a fascist for saying poor, disabled, non-white and intersex people are being left out of people's consideration when giving queer (especially trans) Americans help or instructions to help themselves. I was apparently posting "fascist bait" and somehow I'm also a Nazi? I don't even know. All I said was that I needed help, I just needed some steps given to me to take to try and get myself safe, to a better place. Then, got frustrated, and said their advice wasn't even advice for me or many others in my situation. It felt like dismissal and a "welp not my problem- figure it out!" and I said so. I said that people need to stop leaving the most vulnerable of the lgbtqia2p community in the dust and this girl got four other people to gang up on me.

I give up. I deleted all social media, I feel hopeless but won't write Trevor or 988, no one wants to help me. No one who can will, because I'm "not valuable" enough. Not to another country, not even to a blue state, nothing at all. I need too much help, have too many targets on my back, and have the nerve to point out that people are pulling the ladder up behind them once they get theirs and seeing certain parts of the community in the dust. Even some trans people are, mainly those of us that are poor and or disabled, intersex and or non-white. Of which I am all of.

And now I sit here alone, sad, thinking about everything and wishing I could close my eyes and wake up anybody else tomorrow. Wake up and find out this was all just a bad dream.

No, I'm not going to do anything to myself, I'm just so tired. If you can see people's past posts on here, again, what I said before sort of gives more context but even with both these two posts it's not everything going on with me.

Goodnight, I guess.

Yesterday marked another year for my dad, and the family gathering was quite something to behold. Present were my sister Laura, our other sister Jane, our aunt and uncle, along with our three cousins. Among them, our cousin Olivia, who recently had her daughter raise some commiserations over a broken ankle requiring crutches. At the party, Laura's son, Nathan, 13, and Olivia's daughter, Emma, 12, were the juniors present.

The children spent their time in the living room while the adults busied themselves in the kitchen. We paid little mind to the youngsters, believing them mature enough to steer clear of any real mischief. However, a loud crash followed by a burst of yelling abruptly drew us all to the scene. Rushing in, we found Nathan and Emma in a tangle over a crutch. Emma was seated, struggling to maintain her balance, and Nathan was behind her, evidently the instigator in the scuffle. The confrontation ended with Emma toppling backward off the couch, crying.

It emerged that Nathan, in a bizarre act, had hurled one of Emma’s crutches down the basement stairs and was in the process of doing the same with the other. After confirming Emma wasn’t gravely injured, her mother Olivia began interrogating Nathan with a mix of concern and frustration, raising her voice but not exactly shouting. Several others chimed in, but Laura swiftly defended her son, asserting “He’s just a kid; no one’s hurt.”

This rationale seemed flimsy to me because, first, Emma could have been seriously injured, and second, Nathan is 13—an age at which such recklessness should be more controlled. I voiced my opinion that “just a kid” might apply to those under 11, but certainly not a teenager.

Laura was noticeably upset by the reactions, particularly mine. I truly don’t understand why Nathan acted so carelessly. Perhaps he thought it was funny? Laura’s irritation makes me wonder if I overstepped, but honestly, what was that about?

Imagining this incident featured on a reality show, would the public take my side, seeing Nathan’s actions as flat-out dangerous, or would they sympathize with Laura, viewing the backlash as an overreaction? The drama and debates that follow such a scene could be endless, heightening tensions or perhaps even drawing a clear line on parenting views under public scrutiny.

If this were a scenario on a reality show, how might the audience react?

I've been trying. I've been really trying to be better. But nothing i've tried really works. Whenever i looks like i took a step foward i take two back. I don't know what to do. Lately things have been only getting worse. And i think my anxiety Is getting worse too. And i'm so tired. I'm so tired of feeling anxious. I'm so tired of trying. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of feeling so horrible. I feel like i'm ruining everything. All over again. And i feel like i'm dragging my loved ones down with me. They don't deserve that. I'm sorry. I don't want to be like this. But i don't know how to fix It. The more i think about, the more i think that maybe i'm a bad person, and that maybe i can't fix anything afterall.

so i've always been in an environment where alcohol is this giant mystery. coming from a really religious family, alcohol's kind of like the ultimate taboo. but recently, i was hanging out with some friends who've had drinks now and then, and this whole 'tipsy' concept came up 🥴 and it got me thinking...

i mean, they've described it as not being entirely drunk but just feeling a bit lightheaded and more relaxed? they mentioned sometimes people feel warm all over or maybe get a fit of giggles. it's kind of fascinating how it seems to slightly loosen social inhibitions, almost like turning down the volume on anxiety?

and sure, there's definitely a health conversation that goes with this stuff (talk about moderation and understanding one's limits...) but something about the idea still makes me curious. nobody in my immediate circle drinks, so my tipsy tales are all second-hand haha.

i guess what has always stirred some curiosity is hearing how different people react when they're in that state. sounds like people experience things uniquely: maybe feeling high-spirited during one drink or getting sleepy with another... do taste preferences play into the effects too?

does vivacious laughter really take hold more easily? someone even said music sounded better to them after a cocktail or two! it’s intriguing yet so distant for me right now given my background, but who knows what i'll learn from others along the way.

No one is this family respects my boundaries like tonight I said I dont want my cat going out in the dark and they let him out anyway! So cool to not respect a simple request that has been said over and over! Ive already lost one cat because of her doing that and if I loose him Im just going to be stuck with a dog I dont connect with and wishing I was just a bit more pushy

I might be stepping on some toes here, but there’s an unavoidable issue we need to address regarding life coaching. While it may seem controversial, I believe that the concept of coaching another person's life raises several ethical concerns.

Firstly, let's acknowledge that individuals with a diverse and challenging past might feel motivated to offer advice based on their experiences. This intention, typically stemming from a desire to help, is largely well-meaning. I'm not accusing life coaches of having malicious intents. However, it’s imperative that they approach coaching with a sense of humility, openly discussing their own faults and failures when guiding others. Omitting these personal struggles can come across as arrogance or even condescension.

Many life coaches are exceptionally intelligent, possess great public speaking skills, and are adept at marketing themselves through books and seminars. These talents, while commendable, can sometimes lead to a superiority complex where they seem to imply, "Look how I succeeded, you should emulate me". This attitude, characterized by a lack of humility and an unwillingness to acknowledge personal flaws, doesn't inspire respect but may border on narcissism.

It’s more impactful when someone admits to ongoing struggles, such as saying, "I have a tough time with this even today". This kind of honesty fosters connection and trust more than the often-hollow appearance of having a perfect life.

From an outsider's standpoint, the best approach for a life coach is to embrace imperfection and stop projecting an image of flawlessness. I've observed that not all life coaches exhibit an egoistic attitude, but it's prevalent enough to raise concerns.

Just to be clear, I'm no saint myself. I tend to overthink, I can be quick-tempered, and my organization skills often leave much to be desired. I look forward to possibly contentious replies that may just prove my point, or perhaps some reflective responses that consider the value of genuine self-disclosure in life coaching.

Imagine if I voiced these opinions on a reality show. The reaction would likely be polarizing – some might praise the candor, while others could criticize it as being overly harsh or unsupportive of individuals working in the life coaching industry. How would the viewers respond to such blunt critique in a setting known for drama and heightened emotions?

Hey, so I just wanted to share some bad experiences with stress with school and relationships, so I have trust issues but I feel like no body know that because they always tell me to trust them, then also school full on stresses me out because we get a bunch of work piled on to everything we have to do and then by the end of the day I just feel very drained and feel like I can't do anything but then my parents get upset at me for having a messy room, but I don't have any motivation to do anything at the moment because I'm constantly being told to be 100% honest with everyone but I can't do that because they'll just tell everything to someone else and I just don't know what to do now.

So, my 37 year old daughter left her husband and my grandchildren last year for a freaking convict! Now, I am all about 2nd chances but he's a loser with a capital l! She was screwing him before she left and now the 2 older grandkids are here with me and my ex, and she spends all her time up north with the prick! Whom I found out treats her like shit! I did not raise her alone to be like this! She thinks she did a good thing by leaving her husband and she's right. He was a dick, just realized it too late. Now my youngest granddaughter is with her dad because my loser daughter doesn't have fucking time for any of her kids! She actually told my oldest granddaughter she was "on her own and she couldn't be bothered by anything in her life" , what a fucking bitch! I fucking hate her and want to disown her, is there anyway legally I can do that? I'm about to freak the fuck out on her, I just haven't yet because my granddaughters asked me not to. But my health is also on the line, already had 1 heart surgery. What do I do?

so recently i find out my male best friend of 3years has been ignoring me. I mean at first i thought he needs some time like cause he also has friends but every time we leave school I am who tries to find him and talk to him, I always try reach but not him. I am not trying to make this about myself cause even when we just stand next each other I feel like be does not want to talk to me and he knows about my difficulties with friends. And its not he does not talk to girls at all but its specifically me he is not talking to i feel very betrayed I'm not trying to act like a jealous female friend of some sort i just want to talk to me once again like we did in 8th grade. What should I do?

“i feel like crying, i don’t feel like myself / this isn’t like me at all” — TWICE, TT

2026 was supposed to be my person year. a year where i’m putting myself first, to do things i love without judgement, u know how it goes. but it’s been january and i feel like i wanna unalive.

the anti-ai bullying is getting worse each day. i mentioned previously that it’s hard to be a synthographer bc ur most likely to get an “ai slop trash” comment than a praise. they’ll trash u, fuck u up, until u snap. i guess that’s what’s happening to me lately. it’s getting problematic for me and everyone i know.

i thought that art is meant for everyone, but why does everyone think that we’re stealing images with actual creativity that gets run thru the machine? why does everyone think i’m a fraud; that i’m not fit to be part of multimedia arts course? why does everyone accuse someone of using chatgpt just by using an em dash? this greater internet fuckwad theory is getting too much man. putangina.

and hey, don’t get me started on anti’s antics. the witch hunts, the accusations, the constant bashing, even memes. don’t forget nightshade and throw in that NO-AI.gif too. “we got demons in the comments section,” says oliver tree in one song, and i think there is on every comments section.

i know that society expects u to get ur shit together, but rn i feel like i’m falling apart. i’m confused, overwhelmed, overstimmed. for fuck’s sake, i’m already losing interest in synthography bc of school. there, does that make u happy? are u happy that i can’t generate anymore bc i don’t have wifi? are u happy that u won from constant bullying? are u happy that u flip off an ai billboard or write anti-ai graffiti on a subway ad? be fucking honest, ARE U HAPPY?

i’m so tired of this bullshit. there are times where i wanted to look for some inspiration, but i end up doomscrolling instead. fuck all of this man. i can’t take it anymore. once again, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

My boyfriend has been going through his hardest times, he lost his brother by a car accident, and he lost track of the criminal he was chasing after for more than a year, furthermore he was standing at the edge of the rooftop yesterday night— I swear I knew what that dark look on his face meant

In fact I was dumb enough to get rings already :(

But should I propose now with that high risk of getting rejected or should I wait until next year or whenever he feels better? Because I’m sure if I propose to him now, he’s going to throw dishes at me and shout at me so that he can feel better, and trust me I’m not in a toxic relationship…

Its been awhile, yeah it is. I learned knew things and overcame many problems, i broke up with my now ex boyfriend along time ago

yeah. i took a little break since then, now im dating one off my close friend. Yes i regret it? or do i?....he and i were together before my late ex, and he was obsessive, ...and creepy,...he hurted me 2 times before?...and he said he change but idek....i gave him a chance?, he loves me alot, and idk ....he is a hoe tho...like ...posting girls up on his insta, saying bae...and wanting to fuck his friends?...i dunno whats with my love life..an i dunno what to do.

So, I'm part of an online group of friends who play online and chat about common hobbies, passions, etc, nothing too harmful. I'll start by saying that I'm closer to one of them (let's call him R) that I've known for years, but I enjoy talking with all of them. All good, until a few days ago, when there was some sort of private, aka not in the general chat, fight between R and another person (S). Now, R and S have been quite close for years, but there was some disagreements already (personal stuff between them) that blew out of proportion after a comment made by R that S thought it was about him. R says it wasn't, but who knows really. Ever since that the group has been silentish, in a weird tense mood. I know about the fight from R, the others know from S, and it's like inevitably the group split between R and I, on one side, S and the others on the other, even though no public reference has been made to the fight. I don't know how to approach this situation, R thinks we're being quietly shunned out by the others (whom I still can see interacting with each other) and while I initially thought it was crazy, after almost a week of this I feel kind of drained by this whole situation. I never acknowledged what happened between them, never made comments, even in chat with R I tried to keep up a "maybe it's nothing/maybe it's a coincidence/maybe they're just busier this time around" more to try to keep R calm, but I've got to say I'm starting to agree and would like this situation to end, someway. What happened between R and S is not something I have part in and on their "break up" of sorts S said to R that he'd interact normally with him, just less "closer", but it's hard to believe now. Even talking to R is becoming something that keeps draining my energy, even though a friend sticks to a friend and I deny feeling tired by this whole situation when he apologies about it. I don't know, it sounds dumb and childish, but I just want my chill group back.

I hurt my friends seriously and now they likely can’t stand me. They still follow me on Instagram and are friends with me on discord, not to mention reply to my messages on Instagram but it’s sparingly.

I will be frank, I have serious attachment issues that reared their ugly head. I had introduced them and was jealous they got close and lashed out on them unfairly. I honestly didn’t know about these issues but after doing introspection I figured that out.

We were in a writing community that the three of us ran, I created it, on discord. I took a hiatus saying I’d be back in January but every night I am anxious and can’t sleep. I am irritable, jealous, depressed, and on the verge of tears everyday. I don’t vent to them like I used to, and I don’t talk about my full pains bc I feel like they’ll think I’m judging them. But idk what to do.

I feel like they hate me and would be better off without me. And I love and cherish them so much I am constantly beating myself up.