Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I'm learning Korean just for the fun of it (I'm a Kpop fan, don't judge me)

It's proving WAY harder than I originally thought ngl-

but I'm using Duolingo, and I listen to A LOT of Kpop, so I should be good ig?

idk

but listening to kpop in theory should help, it's possible (the lead singer of one ok rock [japanese] learned English by listening to Linkin Park so...)

When I told my friend I'm learning Korean, she said "Bro no way-"

So, I've been doing a lot of introspection lately and have come to question what my current relationship situation is all about. I mean, am I really in a polyamorous relationship, or is it just some sort of undefined connection, morphing into something I can't quite put my finger on?! There’s this sense of freedom I had anticipated when I first thought about it, dealing with multiple partners who all know about each other, yet I often find myself puzzled about how to manage everything without letting my emotions get the best of me. Ironically, the relationship dynamics are supposed to offer choices without the need for secretive affairs or guilt-coated whispers typical in monogamy, right?! Yet here I am, floundering a bit in understanding whether everyone involved shares the same understanding of what it means to navigate such a bond. It sometimes becomes a question of emotional regulation... how do I balance attention and affection for multiple partners harmoniously while setting boundaries and ensuring everyone feels secure and acknowledged?

And honestly, adding the layer of being pansexual makes things no less intricate!!! Does that mean having a wider array of attractions complicates things or makes them more enlightening? In trying to embrace the freedom to love beyond traditional societal constraints, I still find myself questioning if I'm capable of managing the emotional complexity that comes with these labels. I’ve always prided myself on being open-minded when it comes to love!... allowing feelings to develop naturally. However, I can’t help but feel a bit like a juggler who's unsure how many pins they can keep in the air before chaos ensues!!! Has anyone else experienced this duality of yearning for a connection that accepts love in its diverse forms, yet grappling with the reality of how to sustainably nurture each one without falling into a tangled web of miscommunication or unintentional negligence? Maybe it is about transparent communication, trust, and mutual respect, but what if all parties speak different love languages?! Regardless, I’m on a quest to figure this puzzle out... one interaction, one emotion, one day at a time.

I'm a young teen and the 3rd/youngest child in my family.

My mom has schizophrenia(she hears things rather than hallucinates) and terrible paranoia, and all my life I had to live with this ALONE. My father works abroad though he regularly calls to check up on us, and my older brothers moved to live with my grandma when I was younger. I'm guessing it's to run away from my mom, but I was left with her. Maybe because I was too young to understand things, and they needed to have someone to live with her so she won't be lonely... But because of this, I've been isolated, lonely, drained, and sometimes depressed.

I had to deal with my mom staying at my school and wait until I got dismissed every single day for 4 fucking years. I was a child back then so I didn't understand anything and thought it was normal. I'd have my friends and classmates ask me why she stays at school and I would never know what to say so I'd repeat the same answer, "Because she cares about me." Well, I wasn't exactly wrong because she does care about me but she worries WAY TOO MUCH. I thought it was okay at first until I couldn't even go anywhere in school campus without her following me. I couldn't eat with any of my friends at the cafeteria because I was eating with her. Hell, I couldn't even have fun with the cool kids for the first time because she was there following me. I would tell her, "I wanna be independent and go to school alone!" but she'd never listen. EVEN TILL THIS DAY, I'm currently in high school and will soon go to Senior high, and though she doesn't stay at my school anymore, she still won't listen to me and continues to treat me like I can't take care of myself, like I don't know how to get home, like I'm still 6 years old. I hate it. My father tries to help, especially when he's home over the holidays. He'd argue with my mom to let me be a teenager. But she won't listen and make up excuses.

A year ago, I was at a very depressed point in my life and started self-harming. It got to a point where I wanted to see a guidance counselor because I couldn't take it anymore. She was honestly the only adult I felt comfortable being honest with. After opening up to her, she recommended I go see a psychiatrist and give her the results so she knows what she's dealing with and will know how to help me. She had to call a parent about this but because my father is working abroad, she had to call my mom. But it wasn't a good idea to tell my mom because when she did, my mom thought it was POINTLESS. So my guidance counselor had to call my guardian, my oldest brother. Thankfully, he listened and took me to see a psychiatrist(it took him a few weeks though for him to finally take me to one.) Because I'm young, I needed to have a guardian with me when I go to see my psychiatrist, so I had both of my older brothers. I don't know if the psychiatrist even helped, I mean, she did help a bit with dealing with my mom but I already knew how. I've gotten used to it. I think it was better if I saw a therapist. I haven't been able to give my guidance counselor the results back because I thought I could handle things on my own, which obviously I'm not doing good at if I'm typing my life in an anonymous venting site😭🙏

Since then, I don't know why but I've felt drained from my own family. I looked up to my brothers but they barely talk to me. They barely helped me at all when I lived alone with my mom. I thought they would because they went through similar things as me when they were younger, but they never really did much. My oldest brother would pick me up and drive me to see a date or go to a sleepover so my mom won't follow and my other brother would help me with assignments I have struggles with but honestly that's it. I don't want to sound ungrateful and expect more from my brothers, I know how much they went through but I just wish they treated me like their little sister, someone who's struggling the same way they were.

I'm only ever in contact with them when it comes to something I need, whether it be picking me up or asking them to be my guardian for a school event. Hell, even when we go out for family dinners, with my dad or not, they still barely talk to me. A month ago, me, my mom, and my brothers went out to celebrate my reward for being an outstanding student but even then, they barely talked to me. WE NEVER EVEN WENT ANYWHERE BUT JUST ATE DINNER AT SOME YOGURT PLACE AT THE MALL AND SIT AT SOME MUSICAL SHOW WHILE MY MOM WENT TO DO GROCERIES??? It was supposed to be a dinner celebrating MY achievement yet they barely even acknowledged my existence. I had to cry in the public bathroom and go out there pretending like everything was fine. I don't even know if my brothers even care about me, I know they do but sometimes it feels like they don't.

I don't think they even care to notice I'm barely taking care of myself. Hell, my mom literally called my brother telling him that I haven't been eating anything for the past few days and he didn't think to even message me.

Honestly, the only person in my family who genuinely cares about me and my well-being is my father. Though not here a lot, he calls me asking if I'm okay. When he's home, he makes sure I eat properly and sleep properly. He supports me and wishes the best for me and for my brothers. He's the only person in my family who I can be myself to and feel comfortable with. He's the main reason why I haven't kicked the bucket during covid. It would kill me even more to know how painful it would be for my father if I killed myself.

Other than my father, I don't know how to feel about my family anymore. I told myself that they do care, but I'm finding it hard to believe that anymore.

I've always been somewhat of a recluse, deliberately steering clear of social media and generally shying away from the spotlight. My wife knows this well, yet she refrains from uploading my photos online, though I’ve never explicitly forbidden her from doing so. I’ve always preferred simple, quiet celebrations for events like Father’s Day or my own birthday, keeping any unnecessary attention at bay.

Recently, I was diagnosed with a very treatable form of skin cancer. Detected early, the prognosis was excellent, with a negligible risk of serious consequences. As an engineer, I approached the situation with a level of detachment, comforted by the statistics and my doctor’s positive outlook. Naturally, I confided in my wife, who became overwhelmingly concerned despite my reassurances. We decided that it would be best to keep our children in the dark about my condition, sparing them any worry over something I believed to be a minor issue. My wife reluctantly agreed.

However, just days later my father contacted me, alarmingly inquired about my “battle with cancer.” It appeared that my wife had disclosed my diagnosis on Facebook that morning. When confronted, she defended her actions by claiming I hadn’t specifically asked her not to share it online, only to avoid telling our children. Frustrated but resolute, I convinced her to remove the post.

My treatment progressed smoothly, and soon, I was officially in remission. My doctor cheerfully informed me that while they avoid saying "cured," effectively, I was. Overjoyed, my wife and I hoped to move past this chapter. Or so I thought.

This past weekend, I arrived home to find a street bustling with cars and many more parked in my driveway. Confused, since no significant dates had come to mind, I entered the house only to be greeted by a surprise party celebrating my remission. I was completely taken aback – my wife knew my stance on surprise gatherings and yet had organized one for something I considered deeply personal. Claiming a sudden need to return to the office, I quickly excused myself, grabbed a few inconsequential files from my study, thanked the guests, and left. Later, my wife confronted me, leading to an argument where I expressed my disapproval of her turning a personal milestone into a public celebration.

Following the incident, there's been a noticeable tension between us. My brother even called me out, labeling me an 'asshole' for my reaction, suggesting I was too harsh.

Imagine if all this drama unfolded on a reality show. Viewers would probably be divided, some sympathizing with my need for privacy, while others might argue that my wife’s actions, though misguided, were rooted in love and deserved a more gracious response from me. It could have become a classic episode filled with conflict, emotional interviews, and maybe even a reconciliation scene, grabbing the audience’s attention with genuine, raw human experience.

Am I wrong for feeling upset about my wife's public celebration of my private health matter?

Hello everyone, I don't vent usually but I need to share my feelings. I have been in a relationship for 8 years. Lets call him A, we have been on and off, because we fell out for a few years but this is a new story. He reached out to me to reconnect and start dating after a long period of no contact. We were going strong happy we would work it out if we had conflicts. I believed that love can be worked out and he did too we both agreed on most things but we did have a conversation about having kids. I didn't mind if they're adopted, ivf surrogate or even biological. I am a trans man so at first I had to think about it but I wanted kids with him I wanted our future together. He knows I'm trans but I wanted to let him know what if I couldn't have them? I don't think I couldn't but I just wanted to see his reaction well he just went to you don't want kids then. That wasn't true but we seemed to figure it out ever since then I felt like he didn't feel the same way before but he assured me everything is fine I'm just over thinking. Fast forward to now, were long distance we live 8000 plus miles apart we both are focused on visiting each other, he was going to see me but he said something happened where his work won't let him get PTO. I've met him multiple times younger so I made the choice to visit him in his country although its not the most supportive of trans people anyways I tell him hey I'm going to come then he buys a house. A house there lol to visit me. In return that made him tell me to wait I got really upset because it felt like he made plans to stay there for now even though I've been trying to work for a future with him. He hits me with, do you really want kids? I said yeah I do and then he says even to breast feed? I'm like wait no what I'm trying to get top surgery. Its my body and I feel like bottle feeding is better. Anyway that was so shocking to him he almost crashed his car. This made him feel like he lost the fire and it was so important that he said its not going to work. I told him I'm okay I'll compromise but he said he will never see a future with me and he's afraid of me being in the future “my kid my choice” to him a kid is a final thing and he's scared of what I might do. I feel offended but sad I wanted to reconcile he said he loves me so much, but I changed the whole core of our relationship. He says I pushed him to making it forever cause I said well if you see no future that means we can't be in each others life and he said that's fine but he loves me anyway. He wishes that I'd be forever there but no future :(.

I'm 31 and I'm starting to wonder if there's truth in what my family and coworkers are saying. They call me a narcissist. It's not exactly something you want to hear from the people around you, but I guess it must be true if it's coming from all angles.

I've always been direct, sometimes rude even. This industry demands strong leadership skills, and I've tried to embody that. But apparently, that's translated into being self-centered according to them.

My wife says I make everything about myself. During conversations with friends or family, I used to think sharing my accomplishments was engaging but now I see it might have come off self-obsessed.

Work colleagues think I monopolize meetings. In my mind, I'm guiding projects efficiently, but maybe there is some merit to their feedback. Perhaps I've missed out on the value of collaboration because of my own doubt about others' capabilities.

Uh yeah. So my best friend, we'll call her Katy. She like's physical touch, but she seems to only like it when it's from me. She's always asking for hugs, but if anyone besides me so much as headpats her, she's like "MRRRRR" and yesterday, she sent me an email (we email back and forth yk) and the email had four questions from her, and one of them was "would u ever date me~" and so I just answered with "uh maybe possibly hypothetically theoretically alphabetically historically rhetorically numerically" (cuz why not? it's funny) and she hasn't said anything else about it so... but she also often just takes my hand and holds it in hers, and sometimes kisses it, but I mean that could just be her liking the touch... idk. I'm kinda confused. My other friend, we'll call her Rose, says Katy totally likes me, but I'm not really sure.

No matter what I do they still leave I try to be the perfect boyfriend but it doesn’t matter what I do they leave every time and I’m tired of being abandoned I just want a girl who won’t but I can’t seem to find one I’m tired of them leaving I just want someone to stay someone I can talk too but I can’t.

F18, I apologize right away, because I will write chaotically and jump abruptly from the topic. I just feel that I need to vent, but I have no one to talk to, so I am writing here. And English is not my native language, I write through a translator. I am currently studying at the institute, and I have no motivation to study. I have no motivation for anything at all. I don't know if I like what I am studying, if this is

who I want to become in life. I don't feel smart, I feel stupid, my social circle is much smarter than me, but I can't find the strength to try to study too. I don't feel like I have any real friends, even though I know I have them and I'm privileged to have friends at all. But lately I just don't feel comfortable talking to people. I just don't want to do anything. I hate myself, my body, the way I speak, my behavior, my character. I have no talent for anything, I can't do anything perfectly like others. I want to lose weight, but I can't. I can't remember myself without wanting to lose weight. I don't see myself as beautiful, I don't think I will be beautiful even if I lose weight. I've never been in a relationship, I've never experienced teenage love, it's forever lost to me. I am just so tired. There are still so many topics I want to write about, but there are explosions outside my window and I'm afraid my mom will ask me to go into the hallway and see me crying. So I'm finishing up. Maybe next time. Thank you to everyone who read this.

My girlfriend of four years always has this habit when she's get angry toward me, no matter how small or petty the mistake is, she'd call me names, insults me like i value nothing, she'd say that she regrets having me as her boyfriend, or even regretting the fact that she did introduced me to her family. It hurts me a lot, until it gets to the point where i can't feel anything anymore when she does that, i've always been trying to be the best boyfriend she'd ever had, but i can't seem to earn her trust and i think i can't do it anymore. I must admit, however...she is a quite attractive woman, my type, but i can't bear the feelings when she'd got mad, i've always trying to control myself just because she won't get angry at me. It drains me a lot, so bad. I've also always been trying to be loyal, faithful toward her, and loving, anything, i put all my efforts for her, because i really do love her so much. I held her hands, reassured her when she'd overthink about anything, writing love letters, and whatnots, but i guess i can't make her fully happy with me. Well, i admit, i have my own mistakes too, i'm not a saint or something, but i'd never, never call names toward her, or even abusing her in any way, i don't know if i deserve this or not, i just need to vent. Thank you, fellow anonyms, that's all.

So I'm continuing a rant I made on here I accidentally posted unfinished (here it is, btw)

So basically, I'm in online class due to having this heart problem that's called VSD (ventricular septal defect), and it makes me lose my breath easily, and I get palpitations every time I run. So there's no hope of actually going to face-to-face schools due to walking long hallways and going up stairs. And there's barely anyone in my online class that I can be friends with. It makes me feel a little lonely, and I'm an introvert. But just because of the sole reason of wanting to be alone, I don't want to be lonely, y'know? And because my class starts from 8am to 4pm, I have to stay home for 8 hours, which makes me feel a little isolated inside my house. And when I go out, I can barely even have fun anymore since I always lose my breath so easily. I can't even swim in cold pools and beaches since I get cold so easily. At family gatherings, I can barely even hang out with my cousins since they go out every night. I can't, though. It's basically because I get cold so easily and I can quickly get sick and have a runny nose. I barely even have any friends to talk to; last time I went to school when my disability wasn't a challenge, I had tons of friends. But now, I've only had one friend from my old school that still keeps in touch with me. And she has regular class, so I can't really chat with her every day. Plus, I barely know anyone that shares the same interests as me. Sometimes during online classes, I use my phone during lessons. And technically, every now and then I use my phone to cope with the fact I barely have any friends to talk to and have fun with because I find it fun to use my phone since it's not reality; it's the opposite. It's getting out of reality.

Now getting to my main point, I feel so lonely. Like even an online class is isolation at this point. It's the reason I'm an introvert. At this point, I was made to be an introvert. I'm always alone; I barely talk to anyone anymore; I barely talk to my only friend because I have no enthusiasm to hold a conversation these days... I feel like something's wrong with me. I feel so bad for ignoring her. But I can't find any joy in continuing to talk to her. I don't know what to do. She's so kind too. She's my best friend. She doesn't even know my disability. I keep it a secret since I feel like she'll judge. But I know she won't. I just don't know why I continue to not tell her. I feel so bad. And I feel like my online class is the reason. I feel so isolated, I can barely have fun anymore. I can't even hang out with people my age in my neighborhood due to my disability. So I just stick to cellular devices. I hate online classes. I skip. And now I regret it. I've already been scolded for doing so. But I still keep doing it. It's causing my academics and grades to crumble. I do bad at school now, even before I skipped online classes. I always used to be a 90+ in my old school. Now I'm an 80-91 student. I hate everything about online classes. The school, my teachers, the isolation I feel, the loneliness, my grades—I feel so insecure. And the only reason I accepted going to this school and taking online classes was because I had no choice. My other school's tuition was something my parent's could barely afford. And the online class thing, it's because of my disease. I turn to God and worship him so I wouldn't get in trouble. I would pray I didn't. Plus, just now, I had a grade of 76, and my mom is asking the teacher's if I'm doing something wrong. I am; I'm still skipping. And I feel like I'll get in trouble today. Plus, I have exams next week. Am I just overdramatic because I'm young? I'm not even a teenager yet, nor older than 12. Am I just overreacting? I actually need help on this topic. I'm too scared to even vent to my mom since I keep every emotion bottled up. I want to cry every day. I feel so bad. I feel so guilty for skipping school now.

I’m 19, and I’m starting to feel like my brain got wired wrong somewhere, because I seriously cannot fall asleep in a quiet room. Not “it’s a little harder” quiet. I mean the kind of silence where I can hear my own swallowing, the radiator clicking, the blood rushing in my ears, every tiny shift in the mattress, and suddenly my whole nervous system acts like it’s on graveyard shift doing threat assessment. The second everything goes still, my sleep latency gets way worse, like my body forgets how to cross over into actual sleep onset. If I put on a fan, rain sounds, some dumb video essay playing low, or even just the hum of an air purifier, I knock out faster. Does anyone else get that, or am I just broken in a really specific and embarrassing way? People always talk like silence is the ideal sleep environment, like that’s the gold standard, but for me silence feels aggressive. It feels like standing on a stage waiting to mess up. Noise gives me auditory masking, which sounds clinical, but basically it just covers the sharp little sounds that keep pulling my attention back up to the surface. Without it, my brain starts monitoring everything, like some cheap surveillance system that never powers down. I’ve tried the “healthy” stuff too. No caffeine late, dim lights, no phone for a while, trying to regulate my circadian rhythm, breathing slow, all of it. And still, the moment it gets too quiet, my thoughts get louder than any speaker ever could. I start replaying every awkward conversation, every bad choice, every unfinished thing in my life, and then I’m just laying there feeling stupid. It’s wierd because during the day I say I want peace, but at night peace feels fake. Peace feels like waiting for something bad. When I was younger I used to fall asleep on the couch while the TV was on and plates were clinking in the kitchen, and I think my brain decided that background noise equals safety, like that became the default setting. So now when I try to sleep in a perfect silent room, it doesn’t feel restful, it feels abandoned.

Last week I actually tested it because I was tired of feeling dramatic about it. First night, I turned everything off because I wanted to prove to myself I was just being dependent on a habit. The room was dark, clean, no notifications, no sound, textbook sleep hygiene. I laid there for what felt like forever, probably doing micro-arousals every few minutes, drifting for two seconds and then snapping back because the silence made every thought sound huge. My chest wasn’t pounding or anything, so I’m not trying to say it was some full panic response, but my baseline arousal was clearly too high. I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, normal people can sleep in silence, why cant I. I got annoyed enough to turn on a box fan at like 2:17 a.m., and I swear my whole body unclenched within ten minutes. That should’ve made me feel relieved, but honestly it just made me feel worse, because now it seems less like a phase and more like I’ve trained myself into some dependency loop. The next night I tried brown noise instead, and same result, asleep faster, fewer wake-ups, less mental static. So yeah, the data is pretty obvious, but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. Accept it? Fix it? Is this just conditioning, or is it hypervigilance, or am I giving it too much meaning because I’m 19 and already tired all the time and kind of burnt out in general? I know there are worse problems to have, obviously. Needing noise to sleep is not exactly a tragic backstory. But it bothers me because it makes me feel fragile in this dumb specific way, like I can’t even handle the default setting of a room. And the worst part is I’m not even sure I want to fix it if noise is the only thing that consistently helps. Maybe the real issue isn’t the sound, maybe it’s what happens in my head when there’s alot of empty space for every thought to echo. I definately trust a fan more than my own mind at night, and that feels sad in a way I can’t make sound less pathetic.

Basically, i liked this guy ever since middle school and he recently asked me out! Good right? NO! I have this problem where when someone likes me back i try to find things that are bad about them, like hes not even that cute nor is he unique. And when we do break up, i end up feeling sad bcz i really liked the person but i also feel relieved?? I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON HELP ME PLESS

All my life, been waging war in my mind, been waiting for something right, been waiting for sun to shine. Apathy, the friend of my enemy. Another blind visionary. I never cry, but I bleed. Tell me, what does it feel like to feel anything again? I know that it takes time, but this never ends, and I'm starting to realize: The glass half empty's been just a way to be baptized in the taste of your own medicine. Don't tell mom. Tell her it's just a song. Tell her I'm holding on. I'm sorry I missed her call. What this wasn't what I wanted? Can I return the life I've started? Just 14 years, and I'm exhausted. Guess we're calling this normal. Tell me, what does it feel like to feel anything again? I know that it takes time, but this never ends, and I'm starting to realize: The glass half empty's been just a way to be baptized in the taste of your own medicine. And I call it a cry for help. You call it song lyrics. But as long as I force a smile, I guess we'll just ignore it. I just hope that someday, someone will love me.

My brain tells me I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve to be happy. It has been like this for a long time. I know its not rational but it doesn't stop it from feeling true and interfering with my life. For example, I impulsively subscribed to a dating app, I guess because I was lonely and wanted a connection. Anyway I've started chatting to this guy who is really lovely. The healthy and rational part of me would like to see where this goes, but my brain is telling me I don't deserve to be a relationship so I should break it off. I think soon I'm going to break and just ruin this opportunity for myself. I guess its also unfair of me to begin dating when I'm still struggling with this thought process. Plus I have hated myself for as long as I can remember, and as the saying goes, you can't expect someone to love you when you can't love yourself. I don't know what to do.