Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

that feeling of burnout. have you ever felt that? that state wherein you are constantly being pushed and pulled away by sadness and happiness. it’s weighing up on me. i don’t think i can make it in the long run :)

Last year, during the Thanksgiving season, my mom announced that the holiday would also serve as a reunion for her extensive family. She's one of many siblings, and the guest count hit 53 confirmed attendees.

The gathering was set at my mom's place. Luckily, her brother lives right next door, giving us the advantage of using two kitchens. She tasked me with devising the menu, a challenge I accepted but soon realized the complexity of. Considering the dietary restrictions alone was daunting. Our family is Jewish with varying degrees of kosher observance, half are vegetarian or vegan, some have allergies, three suffer from Celiac's disease, and a handful adhere to a keto diet. Plus, there's always a mix of picky children and adventurous adults.

After substantial planning, I shared the proposed menu in our family group chat, and the reaction was generally positive, except for a few minor adjustments like the need for a keto-friendly cheesecake and dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets for the finicky younger ones. However, my brother-in-law did not share the enthusiasm. He was notably upset over the absence of turkey from the menu. My suggestion was either to bring a turkey himself or settle for the alternatives provided. He wasn't pleased about the prospect of cooking after a long drive.

This led to a series of complaints via text from him, supported by further encouragement from my sister pushing me to take matters into my own hands and prepare the turkey. In response to continuous pestering, I made a cheeky post in the group chat declaring that he had volunteered to cook the turkey. This only fueled the fire, drawing my mother into the fray, chiding me for not handling the situation more gracefully.

Reflecting on these events, I believe he failed to appreciate the effort it took to plan such a complex menu. Admittedly, my response could have been more tactful. Now, imagine if this scenario unfolded on a reality TV show. The drama would undoubtedly be amplified for entertainment, featuring tense music and close-ups of our frustrated texts. Would the audience see my actions as justified or deem them an overreaction? It’s an intriguing thought as the line between personal grievance and public spectacle blurs in the realm of reality television.

How would viewers react if this were a reality show segment?

My life has been pretty miserable. I believe in fighting until you can't fight anymore so I don't plan on stopping anytime soon, although I really wish I could. I've been dealing with depression since I was 11. My family dynamics are pretty much my dad controls everything and everyone, my mom enforces his will, and we obey or get shunned. I'm isolated, so the only way to escape is to run away and I promised myself I wouldn't do that until I can take my younger siblings with me. No transportation, no outside family, no friends no connections. I was taught from a young age that everyone is evil, and that they can benefit me nothing. I don't believe that, but it has made it very hard to trust people and be honest. Being isolated from the outside world+your family being the most influential people in your life creates a very "interesting" environment to put it nicely. Its like a tide. Everyone adopts the same way of thinking as my parents have, and if you make a mistake, its very easy for it to feel like you are the worst person to ever exist. They don't believe in mental illness, and anything that cant be physically proven is pretty much scoffed at or joked about. If you are struggling from a eating disorder, you have too much food, if you struggle with mental health, you are weak, if you cant sleep and are hearing voices, you need to find god, If you want to get help, everyone is going to treat you like a freak...its going to ruin any chances of you having a good life. Because of this, I've stopped telling my siblings about alot of things (talking to my dad and mom is pointless). I've been looking online for remote jobs, but so far no luck. My mental health is getting worse. I've tried everything that doesn't require therapy or professional help (since I can't pay for it at this time) but it only transforms whatever is eating at me, and making it less obvious to detect. I go for weeks thinking I'm helping myself but I'm just hurting myself even more. I'm isolating from everyone, including my family. I had online "friends" if you can call them that but I cut ties with them because I can't maintain relationships anymore. I have no energy for anything or anyone. I wake up everyday and do something, even if its clean, although all I want to do is rot in one place. I want to be an actress, so thats been keeping me busy. I get these spurts of motivated though, and it feels so amazing. Its like everything is bright and my life is so perfect and I'm going to change the world If i were given the right opportunity to show the world my ideas. When I'm experiencing this its like the world has a filter. Everything is so bright, everyone looks amazing, It feels like I'm high. Then after 3 days it all ends and I feel like shit for the rest of the month lol then repeat. Its draining. I feel like every idea I have t are lies. I don't know how someone like me will ever get anywhere in life. As if fighting tooth and nail to study without education or the right resources wasn't enough, now I have the weight of low moods + other mental hiccups that make every step I take feel like I am dragging the world behind me. All of my life has been in poverty. And not to bash on my parents too bad but it couldve been prevented. But they are actually taking steps to make sure I cannot be independent, and if I want to be, its the hardest option to get there. They are sabotaging, but I cant do anything about it unless I run away, and if I run away I will have nothing. I know that life isn't rainbows, but fuck I'm trying to be the best person I can be with what I got but im losing myself. The person I used to be, in this quest of "fighting" and not giving up is killing the person I used to be. I don't recognize myself. I don't share my life story because I fear others will hear and just chalk it up to being "lazy". I feel as if my life was stolen from me, and now I'm trying to get it back, but I dont know if there is hope for me.

Does it sound like I'm blaming others for my bad luck, or does it actually sound like I'm trying everything I can do get out of this?

The guy was really nice, but he was definitely playing me, and that scares me. (I made a post a while ago, but the character limit wasn't the same as usual, which is strange.) I don't feel comfortable with him. I don't see a happy future with him in that sense because he was too careful with those details, way too much, and it felt like our relationship was very forced. That's why I don't like him. I don't feel capable of saying no; I just want to be led by his guidance, and I'm tired of being led, especially not on the streets. He thinks I'm a good fit for him, of course, there's that interaction, but I don't want to be involved in that; it's not my style. I also don't want to be part of another group, a family group I ended up in. I'm not interested. The woman was very kind to me, but no. Both she and the other person were kind enough to let me be free, but I'm not interested in going any further. I don't feel like I want to be part of other groups because I have enough with the one I have now, a friend I met at work, my best friend. I have the protection I need and I can navigate my solitude as I please. These other people offer pleasant company and coordinated contact, but it's not what I'm looking for. I like how I am, finding solace in my solitude and allowing spontaneity to be what unites us, what enables our encounters. I want to feel as prepared as possible for each one. With the others, however, I find myself in a comfort zone, and I don't like it. I don't feel capable of doing everything possible to remain reflective, to remain at the mercy of the various pressures that our relationship entails, pressures that allow me to be prepared for diversity. In other words, I love that individuality is a driving force, although I won't deny that as a result, I've felt a strong urge to flee back to normality, to the usual routine. But that's not what's right for me right now, it's not what I want, it's not what makes me reflective. But the encounters themselves do.

I'm grateful that the groups I've been in have been perfect for me—pleasant, friendly, and with the option to return whenever I want, without feeling threatened or anything like that. But I feel good as I am; I enjoy the life I've built, and I definitely don't need to run away from it. That lady, she was very kind to her family, with a warm welcome, a gradual, cautious, and open approach. In contrast, my friend is rather closed off, decisive, pompous with her surroundings, and focused on immediate gratification. It's not easy because there's no support from her environment, not at all. In fact, with my boss, there's absolutely no support from his inner circle for his actions. On the other hand, with the young man, there is support from his circle; everything's cool, everything's fine. But I don't want to be dependent on his environment. I don't want an environment that supports me or that supports them; I want independence from it. I want to create my own environments, not live off something pre-made, as is the case with them. For some reason, I'm afraid that speaking ill of them will cause me problems, that it will make them afraid that I'm on my own. And that's precisely why I decided to act in a way that closes the relationship, addressing those things that do happen, but it's just a temporary thing, not something significant, because I always need to reflect. That's what I like; that's what helps me with the career I envision.

These people turned out to be open, pleasant, and very kind, with an extraordinary and well-deserved openness. But the relationships I've built have come at the cost of hard work, step by step, and that's what keeps me moving forward—not to run away, but to preserve what I have. And in part, I admit, these other people don't want to leave either, to have someone else in their lives. They accept the effort, but it turns out they already have many things to do; they're already used to it, indeed tired, but it's only a temporary situation. It was nice to meet people like me, but no longer alone, but active in the world, within an environment, within a life built on social standards. In other words, there was a way to be myself in those labyrinths. However, there's always the restriction, and that's what justifies me continuing as always: embracing solitude, which doesn't impose reins, doesn't weigh me down, and only to the point where it maintains a great deal of limitation. In both people, I found excesses in the very aspects I adore: the social and the reflective, the individual, well-supported. Yet, I still found them constrained, and that makes me feel limited by them. Their stage is as delicate, in the long run, as that of other people I compare them to—I already mentioned my best friend at the office, but there's also my boss—regarding that openness, which I've always wanted, and the respectful openness that embraces it, that's in tune with the times and in accordance with his way of doing things.

My idea in the world isn't to seek out opposites.

My goal in life isn't to run away from what I have, but rather to appreciate it, and these people have allowed me to do just that. In the end, they helped fill the void left by both my boss and the girl. However, it's not something to take any further, because, let's face it, something perfect at first is hard to maintain, especially in circumstances free from pressure. When pressure arises, you see the same old thing again. They were undoubtedly very attractive, but it's not something to get carried away with at first.

Well, I've been writing for quite some time now, and I'm getting tired of the same old thing. My encounter with these people was perfectly timed; it just so happened that I had finished making my final notes regarding the story that had unfolded between my boss and the girl, my best friend. I hadn't delved into such insights, but this was my opportunity to do so, precisely what I was looking for: a kind of social commentary that would allow me to see what happened with these people from a possible outside perspective, from another window. Before, I relied solely on writings of a still generic, technical nature, without using everyday language. I went straight to the details and not the generalities, and that's what I have now. How tiring! And yet, I feel I can go back to my usual place and nothing will happen to me. I feel safe, without that emotional issue, without that fear that something might happen, which I have to admit I experience with the girl and my boss—that is, at the office. Everything happens at the office; I'm constantly on edge when they're both there. They make me incredibly nervous, and I don't like it. Even if the girl isn't there, the question is when she'll be back, and that's a problem. This is what makes me long for a better world, to seek other people who can give me a break, but that's impossible. That's why I need this distance, because otherwise I'll fall into the trap of abuse, out of habit, and these people will probably leave me, but then conflict will arise.

I never imagined I'd express this level of stress because of them. It's too much, and it's what makes me want to run out of the office, to be unfaithful, because none of them do anything at all to be with me, while these other people do. I'm the one carrying the weight of everything, maintaining harmony, so I don't fall apart. Both my boss and the woman help out, but it's a small thing. The chance for dialogue is nonexistent; I always have to rely on them, not the other way around. I feel overwhelmed, and no one seems to notice, and expressing it would only bring me more problems. The sensitivity of these two people is extraordinary. Of course, we went through a process where everything changed, but they don't take responsibility for that; instead, I'm the one who has to carry the burden. That's what has kept me away from the office all this time—to give myself a break, a rest that goes unacknowledged, because no one sees what I had to do to avoid succumbing to either of them.

so yeah

I write songs sometimes

on the way home from after schol band practice yesterday

I came up with a song in my mom's car lol.

I only have most of the chorus

I need to know:

1: is it good?

2: what line should I add to finish the chorus?

It's in the style of like, think Three Days Grace or Linkin Park

here it is:

"And all the colours fade to black

I can't keep going forward, but I can't turn back,

I'm conflicted,

I am stuck,

I'm so sick of feeling numb,"

So that's it

I need another line but idk what to put

and I have no verses either but I'll figure that out myself lol

Lately, I've been grappling with this really unsettling sensation every single time I try hitting the hay, and man, it's just freaky!!! 😳 I don't know if anyone else out there feels this, but it genuinely feels like I'm on the brink of something fatal as soon as I close my eyes. It's like, why does sleep suddenly feel like skydiving without a parachute?! Anyone??!! The moment I'm drifting off, my heart starts pounding like the opening scenes of a thriller movie, and I'm pretty sure I'm still alive, yet there's that undying (pun intended lol) fear that I might not be when I wake up. 😅 Deep down, I know it's probably anxiety or something related, but boy, oh boy, is it intense! I'm basically there, lying in bed, like, "Hey, body, cut me some slack; this feels a bit too dramatic!!!" 😂 But, seriously, I do keep telling myself that it's just the mind playing its twisted games. Weirdly enough, though, calming myself down isn't always as easy as just snapping my fingers and poof, the panic's gone. Sometimes I just wonder if it's the subconscious mind trying to tell me something I can't figure out yet? You ever just feel like your brain just wants to mess with you for no good reason?? 😂 It can get a bit overwhelming, but staying hopeful, right???? It's really all about a mental boost, like self-psyching yourself that you're OK and it's gonna be fiiiiine!!! 🙌 Thinking positively does wonders, doesn't it?? Does anyone else feel like some low-key Jedi mind tricks are necessary to push through this?? Maybe adding a chill playlist or listening to some calming podcasts could chill out the hyperactive brain. 🙏 But, I really don't want this to bog me down. There's a silver lining in everything, and maybe this is an opportunity to work on mastering my thoughts, ya know?? It's all about finding those tiny pockets of peace and letting 'em bloom, turning those anxieties into some zen garden kind of vibes. Surely this is just the phase of learning to navigate through life, right? Does it mean my imagination is just over the top? Who knows!!! 🤔 Regardless of this nuanced battle with silent panic, there's this undying hope that I'll find a good balance soon, settle into a rhythm that doesn't include fear whispering lullabies into my nighttime routine. 🤞 It's all part of finding what works, maybe practicing some mindfulness exercises or getting comfy with tea rituals before bed? Anyone else a tea fan? Seems like whatever works, right?! Ultimately, these peculiar sensations don't define my nights. It's just a temporary blip on the roadmap of ongoing self-discovery... or as they say, glow up! So, I'll keep embracing the positives, cause doesn't each dawn bring a fresh start?? 😊 I'm determined not to let these night-time jitters run the show, y'know! Anyone else dealing with similar vibes wanna chime in with your thoughts or tips??! Sorry for all my emojis, I tried to clean up a bit but i always write with a lot of them!!! 😅

We'll refer to my parents as parent 1 and parent 2

I was raised Half Poor and half upper middle class. My parent divorced before I could remember so that never bothered me.

I was Raised with the first half of my adolescence with parent 1, Parent 1 was poor and had other kids, though I was spoiled and became rotten; often lashing out at people close to me, even traumatizing animals, and using suicide threats to get what I wanted. I got so bad to the point where Parent 1 threw me away at a police station for Parent 2 to take me instead.

Parent 2 was cold, insensitive, and upper middle class.

When I moved in with parent 2 I was filled with dread(maybe foreshadowing i suppose). for awhile things were bad with parent 2 as they where with most visits with parent 2, but then things got a little better, parent 2 started seeing parent 3 and seemed to be a little happier. At some point parent 2 promised they'd be a better parent, those words engrained into my memory. . .

Lies.

From then on things got worse and worse. Parent 2 with parent 3 had new offspring, and with each new offspring I was seen less and less. I became super neglected, with only punishments as reinforcement and the occasional gift, though the gifts for the new offspring where often more extravagant and meaningful, though even they where neglected; so you can probably imagine how little attention I got. At some point I actually became suicidal, often when in company of parent 2. Every time I raised a concern or tried talking to parent 2 I got shut down or yelled at. One time I was punched in the face for teasing. Parent 2 snapped my phone when calling the police. I felt trapped. For awhile I carved cuts into my skin to work up the courage to end it all. it goes on.

But now, I face an issue. I have not love in my heart for the Parents, infact love is alien to me. whether i forgot what it feels like or never felt it, I'm not sure. So how do I tell my parents I don't love them.

Human moment.

My sister has been going through a rough time. Her ex did nonconsensual things to her and hit her. He is a big member in the club we are both in. I have been having a tough time with feeling angry. I have been mad multiple times over this, but my sister has been quick to swipe away what happened, and they have been amicable so far. I think that what he did was horrible and wrong and I wish it didn't happen to her. My view of him shifts a lot and I was trying to show him love at first because my sister was trying to move past it. However she has been switching on if she likes him or hates him, or whatever. And I have to listen to all this and try my best to give good advice however she shuts down on me a lot. She has recently been telling a lot of his friends about what happened. But, I think the thing that makes this so hard is that she used to hurt me. When we were younger she used to hit me for being out of line and she would do non-consensual things to me too. I never fully healed from all of this, and it makes it difficult to navigate this situation. I love her ofc, but only until recently have I stopped being on edge around her. It's always in the back of my mind and I hate that it is, because she isn't like that anymore. She was hurting and took it out on me. We've talked about it before and she agreed we both did wrong.. but I never knew about sexual things until she forced it on me. I'm struggling to be there for her when she is switching her mind every second. I'm also afraid she will hurt me.. she hasn't in a decade but it's still a fear, even if irrational. Everyone's telling me "What your sister is going through must be so hard on you." I'm struggling to feel empathy for her, probably because I just swept everything under the rug. I know she shouldn't but I'm struggling to understand why she can't. Today a guy told the ex to back off and not to contact her.. but she has been contacting him. "It must be so hard on you." It is, but for different reasons and no one can ever know about those reasons. I have 3 cans of alc with me and I'm thinking of drinking them. My dad was a drinker so maybe I've got the gene. I tried to tell some friends without being clear but they didn't pick up that today was a rough time for me. SO I just feel so lost and disgusting. I don't want to hear about what she has been through anymore and I want to block it all out. But I'm just having a hard time, because that's wrong, I should be there for her. Then again this isn't about me and I should probably just suck it up. I could barley get through her retelling it to someone else. I had this feeling of almost possessiveness.. she pours all her grief on me and she can just tell other people like it's nothing? Idk why that makes me feel so angry. I'm not sure what to do. If you have any advice I can give her that would help.

My relationship with my elder sister, Clara, has always been somewhat turbulent. We are distinctly different people; she has a passion for all things fashion and beauty, while I prefer a more casual lifestyle, focusing on academia and my career. Although our interests diverge, I believed we maintained a basic level of respect and civility, until a recent incident made me question this.

Clara’s upcoming wedding has been the center of her universe lately. In an attempt to cut costs elsewhere, she asked if I could contribute financially towards her wedding gown as a “sisterly gesture.” Having just secured a well-paying job, I agreed to help despite finding her request somewhat unusual.

A few weeks ago, during a family get-together, I wore a dress that made me feel particularly confident, despite not being a size 2. To my disbelief, Clara commented loudly enough for everyone to hear that I was “brave” for wearing something so “tight.” I was mortified but chose not to cause a scene by responding.

Later the same evening, she remarked privately that she could never wear something like my dress unless she slimmed down, suggesting the dress was unflattering for someone of my size. This hurt me deeply, and I expressed how offensive her comments were. She dismissed my feelings, claiming she was "just being honest."

These events have led me to reconsider my financial pledge for her wedding dress. When I communicated my decision to her, Clara reacted angrily, accusing me of being selfish and petty. She even claimed that I was sabotaging her special day over a mere joke. Frustrated, I stood my ground, which prompted our parents to intervene, suggesting I should overlook her remarks and contribute as planned, emphasizing that "that’s what sisters do."

However, I felt that Clara's comments crossed a line. This situation makes me wonder if I’m in the wrong for reconsidering my support.

If this saga were to unfold on a reality show, audiences might be captivated by the dramatic fallout, speculating on whether my sister’s comments were genuinely tactless or strategically designed to make a splash on national television. Viewers could be split, with some applauding my stance to withhold financial support as a form of standing up for oneself, while others might view me as overly sensitive, siding with my sister and viewing her comments as benign sibling banter.

Just curious: If you were on a reality show how would you react?

so for context, I am an alter in a DID system, an introject of Tommy from a fan fiction called end of the world everyday. I miss them so fucking much. I feel so alone here without them, I've been stuck in this body for two fucking years without them. Why did I have to split from such a rare source? I'm fucking Moros, the god of impending doom, and I'm stuck in the body of a nineteen year old girl. I just want my brothers and my dad, and my mum, and all my friends. It's not fair that I'm the only one.

so yeah i’m 16 and a girl and i live on a farm, which sounds cute until you realize it also means mice, like a ridiculous amount of mice, and they are everywhere all the time and i swear they know when i’m already stressed. i’ve been scared of them for as long as i can remember, like heart racing, hands shaking, full panic mode when one runs across the floor. my family thinks it’s hilarious, especially my brothers, and even my parents do that little laugh like oh here we go again. i try to be polite about it and not yell, but sometimes it really hurts. last week one ran out from behind the feed bags and i jumped on a chair and everyone laughed for like five straight minutes. i know they’re tiny and probably more scared of me, people always say that, but my brain just doesn’t care. it feels embarrassing being scared of something so small, especially when you grow up around animals and mud and all that. sometimes i wonder if living on a farm automatically means you’re supposed to be fearless, like cows are fine and spiders are fine and mice should be fine too, but they are not fine to me. do you ever feel like your fear defines you more than you want it to?

i really want to change though, and that’s the part i don’t tell my family because they’d tease me even more. i don’t want to be the girl who screams every time a mouse shows up, even if it’s kind of who i’ve always been. i’ve tried little things, like watching them from far away when my dad is around, or not immediately running out of the room when i hear scratching. once i stayed still for like ten whole seconds while one ran across the kitchen, which felt like a huge deal to me, even if no one else noticed. my mom said i did good, in a calm nice way, and that helped more than she probably knows. i keep telling myself fear isn’t permanent, it’s more like a habit you can slowly unlearn if you’re patient. sometimes i even think the mice are just part of the farm doing their mouse business and i’m the weird one barging into their space. it sounds silly but that thought actually calms me down a bit. i still hate when my family jokes, but i try to remind myself they don’t mean to be cruel, they just don’t understand how real it feels to me 🐭

the other night i was alone in the barn and i heard that familiar scuffling sound and my first instinct was to run, but i stopped myself and took a breath and told myself i was safe, even though i really didn’t feel like it; i didn’t see the mouse, but i also didn’t panic, and that felt like progress. i’m trying to be hopeful and gentle with myself because being mean to myself never helped anyone. i think one day i might even be able to pick something up knowing a mouse could be nearby and not freak out, and that thought actually makes me smile. i know change takes time, especially with fears that live in your body and not just your thoughts. i wish my family would cheer me on instead of laughing, but maybe once they see me improving they will. until then i’ll keep trying, one small step at a time, and maybe my story can remind you that it’s okay to be scared and still want to be brave, right?

I have always been more of a quiet person. I used to have a really tough time speaking up. I have gotten better about it though these last few years. I don't always have something to say, but I'm not afraid of talking anymore. because of this i have been able to make more friends and feel a little bit less out of place. but lately I can't stop feeling like nobody really cares about me. they would never really notice if I was gone. people forget to invite me to events, they never think about me as an option for activities or relationships. no one has ever asked me out or for my number or anything. I realize that most of this i have done to myself by being more of a reserved person. but it still hurts. I have my friends, but nobody ever texts me or asks me to hang out. I just feel like nobody cares about me and it really hurts.

lately, i find myself caught off guard by my reactions to even the smallest events. it's strange how watching a sentimental TikTok or hearing a slightly critical comment from a friend sends my emotions spiraling. some days i feel utterly indifferent to everything, while on others, i’m ridiculously sensitive, crying over trivialities that i wouldn’t usually bat an eyelash at. maybe it’s hormones, or perhaps this is simply what being a teenager entails. still, the inconsistency of my emotional state makes me question whether something more profound might be at play here. do other people my age feel this overwhelmed by basic, everyday situations, or am i just overly dramatic?

it's weird how sometimes emotions just hit differently, right? like yesterday, i was joking around with my bestie when she casually said something about how i take things too seriously. she wasn't even mean about it, just teasing me like usual. yet somehow, that casual remark lingered with me the entire day, making me feel unexpectedly inadequate and overly self-conscious. logically, i understand it was harmless banter, nothing worth dwelling upon, yet emotionally, it felt disproportionately impactful. later, scrolling through my socials, i came across a meme about being overly emotional, and instead of laughing it off, i genuinely related and felt comforted knowing others might feel similarly conflicted. it’s bizarre, isn’t it, how quickly emotions fluctuate from laughter to near tears, leaving you wondering if your reactions are typical teenage turbulence or indicative of deeper insecurities you haven't addressed?

sometimes i try stepping back, analyzing my emotional patterns objectively, hoping to uncover why i'm experiencing these drastic emotional shifts. perhaps i should consider external factors—lack of sleep, academic pressure, or social dynamics—as they undoubtedly influence mental equilibrium. additionally, adolescence inherently entails emotional instability, thus explaining why minor stressors trigger exaggerated reactions. despite acknowledging this logically, the sensation remains intensely personal and often isolating. so, here i am, articulating these thoughts to strangers online, hoping someone else might resonate and reassure me that feeling emotionally overwhelmed occasionally doesn't signify weakness or abnormality; rather, it merely highlights our shared human fragility. do any of you experience this emotional rollercoaster, and if so, how do you typically navigate these confusing, unpredictable feelings?

There's a girl at work I like, but she's not my cup of tea. I sense she's interested in something beyond that, but I'm not. I sense she's somewhat delusional and capable of bursting into tears if her dream isn't fulfilled to the letter, if even the slightest change occurs. I don't want her to be the one directing the relationship, because otherwise, I'll be at the mercy of her dominance, with serious work-related repercussions resulting from the disappointment if I give in. If I were to propose to continue a relationship with her on an ongoing basis, it would be like holding her in that dream, no matter what, taking advantage of it, since she gains power over me: being however she wants in exchange, of course, for not breaking that dream.

I don't see a girl with prodigious mental health as a prerequisite, since her desire is to succumb to disappointment. Without the emotional management that subsequently impacts social situations to maintain relief, there's no possibility of a deep relationship, whether romantic or even dating. I continue to be amazed at how people give up on the illusion of being liked by another person and don't first examine the person they're dealing with. This leads me to a modus operandi that doesn't take responsibility for visualizing where the next step, which they sense they're going to take blindly, given their impulses, will lead.

In these circumstances, my dear friends, I understand the need to take risks, but there's also the need to observe, at least as far as you can see, which in itself is important for making decisions. There are undoubtedly times when the challenge will be worthwhile, but that's only if, based on our vision, we don't see anything that threatens our stability. The point is whether it's just right. Indeed, we can talk about difficulties; however, these seem valid to me when they enter into an axis that results in enrichment, which they all are. However, there are times when they arise and they correspond only to the need to distance oneself, since in our modus operandi there is no such enrichment, but rather an abandonment.

It's painful for me to feel that I cannot succumb with complete peace of mind to this woman because I am also eager for a relationship, even though I adore my solitude. My solitude stems precisely from accepting that I am capable of developing alone rather than in a group, because I haven't found a group that casts doubt on this idea, but rather reinforces it. Which makes me think that perhaps I only visualize those who make me feel that it's better to be alone, referring, of course, to my past, where being under a hegemony and consecrated as a family for my family, I saw solitude as a path to development.

Nowadays, I find it difficult to think of a group that supports my development, although I can't say that being alone isn't the first step toward such an issue. It's first about seeing where we're coming from, a question that speaks to our environment and, at the same time, a distancing from it, and then moving toward where we feel framed in terms of such an exercise in development. We can say they are stages. The relationships I've had before have been more of a way out of such a hegemonic family situation, given the excitement it holds for me. But the very effect of this very situation undermined me. Ultimately, in a hegemonic system, its origin lies in a heightened illusion about oneself, specifically in behavior.

I wish the circumstances with this girl were different, as in other cases, but it must be said that her usefulness to my well-being wasn't in deepening the relationship for a shared destiny, but rather to point out that I wasn't yet ready to leave such an environment, because, in principle, there isn't the distancing that would make it so. Physical distance in this sense was, like courtship, also a very attractive and widely accepted call. However, stability would depend on maintaining the hope with which I would be received. In itself, there was no escape. Furthermore, other interested individuals of different kinds would not be able to contemplate me because, in principle, I would not be able to contemplate them, and neither would they in me because I harbor fear of the environment in the midst of getaways, which implies the production of inconveniences to their stability. By nature, we all seek that which does not provide them, although sometimes this is in such demand that it is very expensive, as can be a blur, as are courtships and physical distances that were sometimes recommended to me, as I was told.

It's clear that family situations can't be resolved with easy solutions, because such complexity permeates the modus operandi and makes such an easy solution a path to another hell, but one that's more comforting thanks to the cessation in the face of deep disappointment, and on top of that, with us there defending that, because we have the feeling, although projected, that the idea of a better place is a lie. Nor can we turn back, because those who have welcomed us feel their support for us after such a situation has been in constant decline inside.

This is one of my diary entries:

I feel sick. I hate my body, I hate how I can't stop myself from eating. I hate how I'm not athletic. I hate how my face looks weird. I hate my eyebags. I hate my tummy. I hate my tendency to laugh at everything. I hate my phobia of bugs. I hate my house. I hate how my bed dips everytime I sleep. I hate how it always feels like bugs are crawling on me. I hate my bad eyesight. I hate my yellow, crooked teeth. I hate the way I walk. I hate my style. I hate my tendency to complain. I hate my allergies. I hate how I feel that I am an outsider. I hate how I feel like everything and nothing at the same time.I hate how much I'm scared of people. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I doubt God. I hate. I hate. I hate. And yet, I believe that there is things to love. Not in myself, but the people around. Maybe someday, I'll get a big hug from someone, and they'll tell me that they love me. It'll be warm, and fuzzy, and tooth rotting. I want that. I want what everyone has. I'm envious. I crave freedom. I crave friends who spam your phone. I crave friends who text you at midnight on your birthday. I want what my friends have. I know it's wrong, but it feels so right to resent people to make yourself feel better. It makes me feel a little bit better. Not really, but.. ugh.. i can't find anything to say. If you find this, I'm sorry. So, so sorry. I'm just a whiny, fat, ugly teenager. Sorry.