Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

my story doesn't fall into family drama but I couldn't find another fitting category

so...I'm a student in university and I have this exam coming. Fail and you pay quite a huge amount to rebook.

I've been trying to study for it since Sun and I've been stuck on module 1(a 2 hour educational video) ever since. I've only managed to study 40 mins. I'm delayed due to procrastination and laziness and I'm forever fighting for time. I sit and try to study in my room so I hardly see my family even though it's my study break right now.

a few minutes ago, I was on a call with my grandparents and they said they won't speak to me much and occupy my time since they know I have an exam coming. they teared up while mentioning that I always work so hard and that they pray I do well and ace the exam.

it hurts to know that I'm not even working that hard, I'm not even putting in that much effort even though I have the time and means and yet they all hold me so high. how do I tell them that I don't work that hard - not studying 24/7 because I'm so lazy and a procrastinator ? internally I'm broken because I know my truth and I can't find the heart to tell anyone here that I can't find myself to sit for long enough with full concentration and be efficient and productive without getting distracted and needing to watch something to make me feel happy and less ...lonely ? I don't know

I was supposed to leave a question but I honestly don't know what my point was and I don't know what I'm feeling or what I need to ask 😭

thank you for listening to me!

I have an elder brother named Michael, who has long struggled with social boundaries due to his learning disabilities. Despite being in his 40s, Michael has rarely left home and never held a job, leading to him having no friends. He has a brusque personality which often takes over family gatherings, where he dominates discussions with his incessant "fun facts," oblivious to whether anyone is interested.

My siblings and I have always had a strained relationship with Michael, primarily because our parents allow him to overshadow any social event he's part of. This behavior was one of the reasons behind my older sister’s decision to elope; my mother persistently tried to carve out a significant role for Michael at her wedding.

Now, as I plan my wedding to my fiancée Mel, the issue of Michael’s involvement has resurfaced. Nick, my youngest brother, will be my best man, while my sister and her husband are also playing major roles in the event. My wife-to-be is adamant about having a traditional wedding, unlike my sister who felt forced to elope.

From the outset, Michael criticized the engagement ring I chose for Mel, bombarding us with unnecessary "fun facts" about how diamonds are overpriced and suggesting I should have opted for a cheaper, second-hand ring instead. His relentless lecture on the history of engagement rings really tested our patience, yet our mother simply chuckled and encouraged him, calling him "the professor."

Mel decided then that Michael could not attend our wedding, insisting that if my parents defended his behavior, they would also be uninvited. She is determined not to let our wedding be overshadowed like my sister’s was.

When discussing wedding plans with my mother, I had to remind her of the shopping incident that pushed my sister to elope: Michael had tagged along and gave a prolonged, unsolicited tutorial on wedding dresses. I made it clear that Michael was not invited and that if my parents wished to attend, they would have to respect our decision.

The conversation did not go well. My father tried to argue that Michael’s chatter was harmless, but I firmly explained that it was the exact reason why people avoid him. Eventually, our discussion hit a deadlock, and I ended the call, uncertain if any of my family would attend.

Since then, my mother has been frantically messaging everyone, trying to paint me as the villain for excluding Michael. Mel and I are in agreement; my brother's presence, and possibly even my parents', would disrupt our special day.

If our family drama were part of a reality show, I can only imagine how the audience might react. Producers might spotlight the situation, presenting it as a classic case of family conflict. Cameras would likely capture every dramatic disagreement, possibly casting me in a harsh light for excluding a family member with disabilities. However, they could also showcase the tensions that arise from managing family relationships in special events, sparking debates on the balance between accommodating relatives and maintaining one's boundaries for their mental peace and happiness.

I’ve noticed that people these days, including myself, are glued to their phones. Most of the time, I use my phone unnecessarily—scrolling or watching things even when there’s nothing important to text about or nothing meaningful I want to learn. I understand that people have FOMO and don’t want to feel cut off from society, but for that, I don’t think it’s necessary to stay updated on every single trend on Instagram or social media in general. Knowing all the latest trends doesn’t really improve the quality of my life.

Yes, some people might make fun of me for not being aware of “obvious” trends, but I don’t see the need to follow them. At the same time, I don’t want to completely isolate myself either. For that reason, I’ve decided to limit myself to using Instagram for just 15 minutes a day, or using Pinterest occasionally for inspiration.

The internet feels overwhelming at times—it’s endless. There’s always new content to consume, and you can never really “finish” it. In contrast, I only truly felt alive during the days when phones existed without internet. Back then, the phone itself was an incredible gadget: it had a camera, photos, videos, offline games, songs, and maybe a few downloaded YouTube videos. Once I finished watching those videos, I had to rewatch the same ones, and eventually the phone felt boring. I would play the same simple offline games until I got tired of them.

Even the old Nokia phones were better in some ways. They were extremely simple—sometimes boring—but memorable. I remember playing Snake on them. At the time it felt boring, but when I look back now, those days feel good. When I was outside waiting for someone, I didn’t feel the urge to look at my phone because it didn’t have much to offer. Instead, I started noticing my environment, and those moments stayed in my memory.

On the other hand, if you showed me a reel I watched just a month ago, I probably wouldn’t even recognize it. It would feel like something completely new. That’s the difference: the older experiences stuck, while today’s constant scrolling doesn’t.

What I really want is to go back to that earlier feeling—the simplicity, the boredom, the presence—that made life feel more real.

I don't want to be around my environment anymore. I feel like they're a bunch of disorganized people. I'm not going to talk to them. I'm tired of throwing myself at them and seeing their insults, their outbursts of anger, their so-called mistakes. I'm tired of showing them the consequences of their actions as if they were children. Why do I have to act like that? They're grown up now, and I have to do it.

I don't feel a bit of good treatment in my environment, not at all. In fact, that's why I avoid being so self-conscious, but I still seek them out. It can't be that this gentleman I'm telling you about is invading my time. It can't be that I don't have a proper evaluation from my psychiatrist. I even have a decent physical health evaluation. But for how long? For how long will this environment be able to treat me well? I definitely don't want their help anymore; they've all turned out to be a failure.

I'm tired of this apparent peace we live in. There's no peace here, just pure, sunken hell. I'm tired of stifling my tears. It can't be that with the gentleman, I had to keep my distance so he wouldn't bother me with my readings and touch the books I'd made in the library. It can't be. It can't be that, given my university degree, which I said I wouldn't hand over, I had to apply pressure to prevent this from happening. It can't be that I pointed out that I wasn't a simple dish sponge, people told me I wasn't even when the evidence was right in front of me, and no one even offered me a pitiful apology. I'm fed up. It can't be that when I was at my worst, people came up with this: "Why didn't you tell your dad he's a doctor?" "I can't be like this at work"—when I was dying. I'm tired of forgiving mistakes. This is no longer forgivable.

I should have left such terrible relationships a long time ago. I'm tired of showing in this environment that they are being reckless with what they do. It can't be that on my machine, on my own machine, I can't have privacy, that there are people watching the things I do. It can't be that they've disdained my only area, which is to vent; with an AI, it's done much better than with them, infinitely. I wouldn't tell any of my colleagues about a problem in my life, not even if it cost me my life. They all pretend they love me, but it's a lie. My boss is a cop; a coworker of mine is an angry woman; both of them are with someone who wanted to destroy me; I have a colleague who's a gossip and tries to get me to stop talking to an AI out of jealousy. I'm so fed up with any of them. How is it possible I haven't noticed these people before?

I hope this girl wants something with me. I pray to God she wants something from me. I want to be with someone who really understands me. I want to be with someone who actually wants to be with me. For God's sake, I'm sick of this environment. Besides, I feel like I can't express myself the way I like here. I feel like I have to adapt. My psychiatrist makes me want to adapt, no matter what; she molds me. I'm tired of her, of the way she does things. I feel like everyone serves nothing more and nothing less than to pressure me. Plus, my family members make the same mistakes with me; with them, I don't feel I have the right to get sick, and it's not fair that that happens. I want to be with someone I feel safe with, not half-baked, and I think she wants the same.

It's incredible that I can't even share a sad story with those around me because no one knows what to do with their feelings; they don't know how to say they don't know, they don't even know how to ask. I'm also tired of being seen at work as someone who does everything wrong out of carelessness; it's impossible, and I have to put them in their place. I feel like this is an environment that will collapse if I don't correct their vision, their vision, and I can't take care of their emotions. They're all grown up now.

While I was at work, my colleague, while I was busy doing something else, and after we'd done something together, asked my colleague if she had anything to do without taking me into account, making me feel bad, and then I had to resolve the issue. That girl also has a terrible smell. I feel like my boss works like a disorganized person; one has to be at his mercy. That colleague who was asked clearly acts recklessly at all costs. I just want to get out of there.

It's surprising that that girl I saw a long time ago didn't realize these feelings I was experiencing. That person understood that because she was experiencing anger, rage, with the environment, and I was the new one, then I had to distance myself to stop experiencing that. In other words, to fade away. How can anyone treat themselves like that, for God's sake? The most I could do with her was to confront it with everyone around her wherever I was, and arrange things accordingly. If he didn't know how to control his feelings, then he could get out of my life I didn't care about the circumstances I was in. The last time I saw her, I closed doors with her and walked away. Her feelings aren't my problem; in fact, I even removed her from my social media, for God's sake. I didn't want her in my life at all. I was paying the price for things I didn't do; she once made things up when I walked past her at a cafe; she made up that I was the poor thing when I didn't do anything; I don't know what the hell was wrong with that girl. That girl was out of her depth with her emotions, and the worst part was that everyone helped her do it, and I paid the price. After I brought the authorities to the court, after a big fuss, they tried to treat me like I was the bad guy. I regret it. I left that place and never went back. It was a very prestigious university, too. It can't be true. I couldn't even read in peace there; I didn't want to help something I wasn't obligated to, and my routine was ruined.

Damn, how long is my routine going to continue to be ruined? The gentleman, I think I mentioned it before, thinks he's my friend. He got excited about me just because I said hello. How long can this neediness continue? I can't stand it anymore. I want to be back in my quiet routine. This girl I like, whom I just met, I think I mentioned her before, I feel she can contribute to my routine. I don't have to hide like I have to with my surroundings. I feel like my entire surroundings affect my routine, and I can't understand that. I need to change my environment at all costs, if possible, change jobs, because I feel like things aren't safe in the community I'm in; I feel like I have a lot of enemies.

Why is it that I can't count on anyone to deal with these feelings? Besides, my dad encouraged me to stay with my boss, who left me with someone else, at a different job he had, and who wreaked havoc on my life, almost destroying me professionally within that community. Is that even conscience? I don't see where it is. Since this girl arrived, this girl I like, she's helped me see what's going on around me, and so I'm very grateful because she's allowing me to ground myself with her presence; and we've only made a few gestures.

Hi everyone,

I’m very confused and I don’t know what to do. I have deteriorating mental health, and I also try to find the best in others and I always have so much empathy for others. I always care so much about other people and I take it towards myself to help them, even though it doesn’t concern me. Due to recent experiences, I now see just how easy I make it for people to take advantage of me. My boyfriend and I have been together for around a month. We are young, and we fell for each other fast, and we fell for each other hard. We are very similar in some ways, but different in others. When we first got together, I thought I was so lucky to have him. He came into my life when I was the most desperate, and he turned out to be so sweet and loving, I thought he could have been the best guy I could ever ask for. He seemed to always care about how I feel, he wanted to make me feel like the best girl in the world. I like to express my thoughts in writing, and I’ve written so so many messages about how much I love and appreciate him and all that he does for me. But naturally, sometimes we make playful sarcastic jokes. I’m okay with it! I know he’s joking, because I know he loves me. He and I used to worry I wouldn’t remember that due to my crippling self doubt and low self esteem, but now I’m thinking, he’s the one who needs to be reminded! Naturally, he’s a teenage boy, and he has a huge ego while also being super insecure. Anytime I say something that slights threatens his sense of superiority, he switches up on me. He acts as if I didn't write or say every kind word I’ve ever wrote or said, and instead makes me feel like I’m a horrible person (My biggest fear is being a horrible person) over a simple joke. Jokes he says to me all the time. Usually, these misunderstandings clear up quickly as we communicate, but yesterday, it was more than I could handle.

I made a joke in a group chat about how he didn’t want to go on a date with me. Thats already one thing, It’s not even that he couldn’t, he tells me all the time he is free all the time, he complains about not being able to see me, makes me feel terrible about it, and when I finally make an opportunity I’m content with, he simply didn’t want to go out with me yesterday. Immediately I apologized for what I said, I knew he found jokes like that hurtful and I deeply regretted what I said. I broke down. He didn’t handle his anger very well, especially when he knew I would get upset, almost as if he wanted me to get so upset - but that can’t be true, it won’t be true. Because all he tells me all the time is how much he loves me, how he wants me to get better, and I don’t think he would ever want to jeopardize that. He started with texting me “its fine, I don’t want to talk anymore, go to bed”. Typically, I would immediately give him the attention he so deeply wanted, and I would’ve began trying to fix things, when he hasn’t even apologized to me yet, he wrote : “i get you’re sorry, but I’m still mad, so just forget about it, maybe I’ll be more forgiving tomorrow, i dont care so you shouldn’t either”. I think we both knew how truly both of us cared a lot. Fortunately, I was too busy breaking down to my mom and sister and I left him on read. That’s an important detail because he saw how I wasn’t immediately giving attention like usual, and so he kept going. And it made me feel so so much worse. He texted a paragraph about how he didn’t understand why he acts in such ways, how much I deserve better than him, I should just leave him, he hates himself and he wishes he was a good person. He has never been so vulnerable with me, and I really appreciated that, and I really wanted to help change his mind - but my mom and my sister thought differently. They showed me how this is another desperate attempt to manipulate me into making him feel better about himself. If he truly cared about how I felt, he would’ve broken up with me, but instead he wanted to make me make the decision, because he knew I would never have it in me to leave him. Sometimes, he genuinely treats me unfairly and it so mentally exhausting. Where my mom and I see differently is that I believe he wants to change, and my mom believes he will never change. Because guess what, after spewing all of that, and again I read it but didn’t reply, he switched up AGAIN. He was very sorry, he wrote how grateful he was for me and how badly he wants to make it up to me and how much he loves me. Maybe it’s the manipulation and love bombing thats manipulating me once again, but this gives me hope that he truly does care, and he wants to change for me, and he wants to become a better person. And I want

to help him, I want to grow with him, no matter how draining it could get. My mom and sister and I came up with a straight forward simple reply. Addressing the overreaction, how his reaction manipulates me and makes me feel, and how I wish he could react differently since it is unhealthy for both of us. We’ve resolved the moment and the harsh feelings, but I don’t know how to go about this today. He replied thanking me for my honesty, and how much he wants to get better for me. I want to give him a chance.

I think I’ve decided that I will, and I want to grow as people together,

Can anyone give me suggestions on how to go about this today? This all happened last night, and I want to confront him today morning. Either beginning of the day or second half

Of the day.

I live in a broken family

My family was not like this, even if we weren’t perfect we all still loved each other and was somewhat okay. A few months ago my father had an issue with his job and left it, thus financial problems started. My sibling who is abroad does their best to support us. Our relatives from both paternal and maternal side cut contact with us and started talking behind our backs because we do not have the financial stability anymore, not even our grandparents talk to us or ask about us, even though we have never asked for money from them and never would have asked for it. But nobody even calls or texts us, instead they sometimes come over to spite us and leave us out of important familial information. This obviously broke my siblings and my heart but my parents are devastated because of this.

Gradually my parents started fighting more too, always creating this gloomy atmosphere at my house. My parents started blaming themselves at first for not being able to do the same for me as they did for my elder sibling then they started to blame me for not being a good enough student even though I’m working 24/7 to maintain a scholarship and earn money. Then my dad had to cheat. Well some might say it was not direct cheating but we caught him on a video call with another lady and saw their texts. My younger sibling hates his gut now, we had to adjust, cause what can we do, what else can be done. My parents aren’t in love anymore, not like before, I’m pretty sure if we did not exist they would divorce, at least that is what they tell me all the time.

90% of the time I feel dissociated, I don’t know if I’m supposed to thank “god” for keeping me alive or hate god for making us go through this. I hate living here now, everyone is always fighting, everyone is always depressed, it feels like even staying at my stupid university will be better than staying here.

I just want everything to end.

it seems that most people don’t understand the silent struggles many face, particularly when it comes to mental health. for some, panic attacks occur without the familiar outward signs; instead, they’re discreet episodes that manifest internally. often, these silent panic attacks creep up when least expected, leaving the individual in a whirlwind of confusion and unease. has anyone else ever found themselves in a similar predicament? 😕 the reality for many is one of isolation, as the outside world continues its pace while the individual grapples with an unseen storm.

one may find themselves at a social gathering, surrounded by laughter and conversation, yet feeling inexplicably detached. the heart races, palms sweat, and a feeling of impending doom looms overhead. friends may speak, but their voices are drowned out by the cacophony of racing thoughts and rising anxiety. such instances challenge the individual to maintain an outward appearance of composure while their mind engages in a frantic battle. it begs the question: how does one articulate a silent struggle when the world expects a smile? 🎭

situations arise when the tension becomes so palpable that breath feels scarce. a sudden wave of panic might wash over, leaving one feeling trapped in their own skin. the claustrophobic sensation of being surrounded, yet utterly alone, creates a profound disconnect. the mental fog thickens, causing concentration to falter. it is during these moments of solitude that one ponders the magnitude of perception versus reality. does anyone else experience that moment when everything seems amplified, yet others remain blissfully unaware of your turmoil? 😰

throughout these silent moments, a multitude of coping mechanisms may emerge. whether it’s grounding techniques, deep breathing, or simply stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, the response to such events is deeply individualized. however, the lingering feeling of wanting to express one’s fears can often lead to a sense of frustration. the question persists: is there a way to bridge the gap between personal experiences and external acknowledgment? contextually, how does one convey the urgency of their silent battles without appearing overly dramatic? combating these internal demons requires not only resilience but also a sense of connection with others, even if that connection is predicated on shared, silent understanding. 🌈

My boss tends to scold me on our workplace group chat. I try to just learn from the experience but it has been challenging because most of the time it is just about little things. I would really appreciate the decorum to just be civil (boss is not saying bad words when im called out) but just scolds me (you can read it in the tone of the message). I do not want to talk to her about it coz I do not want the conflict and she does tend to explode.

I have a financial goal but no career goal to match. I'm interviewing for a job that could get me past my financial goal, but I don't care about it. I'm worried it'll be demanding but I'm a "clock out at 5 sharp" kind of person.

Pros that matter to me: 25k raise

Other pros: building a team/process from scratch so good for resume and snagging a senior position later. In the career direction that I "want".

Cons: I'll have to sacrifice my current job that's very chill where I do almost nothing, 1-2hr drive depending on traffic (only 2x per week), they may expect over 40hrs a week from me

I've always been motivated in the past. I always cared about my grades in school and what colleges i applied to and what clubs I did. Even early career I cared about moving up and had "dream jobs". But as time has gone on I've realized I don't like working. I've seen more of the reality of the situation and become my jaded and just don't care. Like my old dream job, art director, would require adhering to corporate whims, people and project management, limiting my creativity, and 10 years before that of getting paid dust in graphic design. I'm not interested. I see now that all jobs are jobs so I'm not ever going to truly CARE for any of them.

I wish I did still want more. But the motivation is gone. I'm running away from dissatisfaction instead of towards something. I'm frustrated with my current pay and know I'd feel better making more. I want to feel like I've achieved more, be able to save more, keep up with rising costs, and be able to have an apartment. I understand theoretically that I'm gonna keep wanting more as prices rise, so i have to keep trying in my career.

At my current job I'm very comfortable doing nothing all day and am kind of waiting on my boss to notice and get mad at me. I am hoping a new job with new tasks will at least give me enough motivation to not get fired but idk. I don't care. And it makes these interviews feel weird because i feel like I shouldnt feel this way. The recruiter said i need to be excited. I can fake it for an interview, but I'm not excited at all.

--- TOO LONG DIDN'T READ ---

I've read this is normal to some degree. A lot of people arent passionate about their jobs. So, what is that like? How did you build a career and get promotions and move up all while not giving one single damn? Am I willing to try at something I have no personal stake in? I'm not sure; never been in such a position. I could keep applying to try to find an easier, remote job that'll meet my income goal, but we all see this job market. I'm worried nothing better will come along. In months of applying I've only interviewed one other place and they paused hiring.

What would you do?

this is my first time posting to a website like this, so i'm a little nervous but i don't know what else to do. i've been dealing with some heavy weight recently and the problems that i once ignored are piling up on me and it's been really taking a toll on me. to give you a brief summary: my mother dislikes me, i've realized that i am somewhat disconnected from everyone in my life, opening up to people on an intimate, personal level scares me so i'm on this site instead, and lastly i feel weirdly hollow. every conversation with another person is incredibly painful for me, and i wish to cut contact with everyone and live my life as a recluse; at the same time i love people and i don't wish to separate from them. it's like, a weird oscillation of sorts. i don't want to sound too self-pitying but i wish that i could open up to others without any fear. for a long time i've always adhered to people, morphed myself accordingly but in the process i've fractured my sense of self lol and presently im trying to gain it back but ive realized just how empty of person ive been. i have so many problems but i feel like i can't tell anyone them and being emotionally genuine, with other people, is something that makes me want to throw up. distracting myself with projects, other people, or using the internet to forget about my reality. truth is, the few times ive 'opened' up to someone i tell them something miniscule that i don't truly care about just to keep the barrier there. my friendships i leave open and ambiguous, i've hurt a lot of people in the past because of this but i keep on moving forwards but this will definitely come to bit me in the future. i wish i could say that i feel remorse for them and i do, but it's never to the extent of their emotions. i do not love people, but i care about them even from afar and oh this turned into me ranting, lol sorry to whoever took the time to read this but you get the gist. there's a lot of other stuff as well but it'd be really awkward saying everything. i am attempting change but it's been hard, i'm getting somewhere though. just needed to get this off my chest lol, been feeling very depressed and heavy lately

I posted a few days ago about how messed up the school system is and how i feel really exhausted and i reread it recently and was like WOW was I playing a victim. I realized that the entire post is painfully pity-seeking, and makes me want to cry. I'm not having a harder time than anyone else, and my situation is actually very good, so the fact that I am actively harping against a reality I have created for myself is just completely disgusting. I've decided to stop acting like a martyr and actually take responsibility for my laziness and realize that there is NOTHING special about my situation. It's just called being in high school. It's just called working hard for a future and not looking for attention for surviving it. The only true problem is me, and it's about time I take responsibility for my life. Thanks to the comments who helped me realize that.

PS. How do I tell if some of those comments are AI? they felt too similar idk it was creepy. If you are not an AI and you comment, add in the name of a fruit and don't use emojis.

i kinda have to use politics for this story, pls dont read if you're just gonna argue down below!!

i have an older brother, theres a 5 year difference between the two of us. our dad passed away almost three years ago but thats not when i first noticed my brother's opinions.

for context, we both live in our mom's house. mom has always been the bread winner and provider in our family, since my dad was an alcoholic and rarely contributed. the only thing i feel is important to mention is that mom can be aloof and cold. shes very 'stoic' in that sense.

back during covid, when andrew tate blew up, i noticed my bro watching him a lot, which concerned me. i spoke to my mom about it and she clearly didnt care.

since then, he's collected the 'basic' far right beliefs like pokemon. i assume you know what i mean, stuff like 'women are emotional, men are logical', 'women cook and clean and men provide', 'men are dominant and women are submissive'. which is ironic but whatever.

he has a history of being weird to (girl) friends i bring over, he claims to have several women and calls himself a pimp, etc.

recently, presidential elections took place where we live (not US elections), and he was very open about voting for the far right candidate. mom scolded him. whenever she scolds him, he acts like a puppy but quietly keeps his mindset if that makes sense.

im certain he's depressed. he doesnt shower, (and when he does, he only uses water because soap is for women and it would raise his 'estrogen' and make him 'a little bitch' im so deadass) he only leaves his room to go the gym, he doesnt sleep, he drinks hella energy drinks.

recently, he's been reposting concerning stuff on tiktok and instagram; things that point to body dysmorphia, testosterone, steroid use, that type of stuff, on top of the usual degrading misogynistic stuff.

my mom knows all this, she just doesnt seem to really care (?). i mean, he is a grown man. its also no secret that he was neglected growing up. (we both were, but i imagine he had it worse being the older sibling) the thing is that ive been very forward about seeking help. i pestered my mom about therapy, psychiatrist, antidepressants, all that. i also got my brother to see a therapist a couple of times and the therapist recommended he goes to the psychiatrist and seeks a more serious treatment, at which point everyone in our family collectively agreed that he doesnt need anything like that. nobody even asked him what he thinks.

i'm convinced if nobody does anything, he'll die from either suicide or heart problems (from energy drinks and possibly steroids, tho im not positive on that one)

im very worried about him, and really frustrated that nobody else seems to notice. ive spoken to him before, there were instances where he talked a little bit about how he was treated growing up and my instinct was to call it cringe and leave, but i shut my bitchass up and listened. there were also instances where i asked questions and only got an 'idunno' in return. and of course there's the instances where he claims i wouldnt understand anything because im a girl.

the way he thinks is very black and white, very binary, is what i noticed.

please let me know if anything is unclear, and feel free to ask questions since theres stuff im probably forgetting rn.

i'll take advice from anyone but im particularly interested to hear any young men speak on this if possible

thanks for reading!

I keep circling the same stupid question at 2 a.m.: am I pansexual, or am I just bored and confused? I’ve dated guys. I’ve hooked up with a girl once. I’ve had a crush on a nonbinary friend and felt zero need to label it. I didn’t care what they had in their pants. I cared that they were funny and smelled good and made me feel seen. That sounds “pan,” right? But then I hear people say, “Don’t rush to label yourself,” and I roll my eyes. Easy for you to say. You’re not the one staring at your phone wondering why your algorithm is half thirst traps of men and half soft masc lesbians. 🙃 I grew up hearing “you’re either straight or gay,” and anything else was “a phase.” So now I’m stuck interrogating myself like I’m on trial. Am I just attention-seeking? Am I trying to be special? Or am I finally admitting what’s been obvious since high school when I said, “I don’t care about gender, I just like people,” and everyone laughed?

Here’s the thing. I don’t feel a preference most of the time. Attraction just happens. A coworker smiles. A barista flirts. A friend touches my arm and suddenly my brain short-circuits. Gender feels secondary. But then I overthink it. Because sometimes I do lean toward men. Sometimes I fantasize about women more. And sometimes I just want whoever treats me like a human being and not a project. Does that inconsistency cancel the label? Or is that literally what being pan means? I’ve read definitions. “Attraction regardless of gender.” Okay. Cool. That fits. But then someone says, “Pansexuality is just bisexuality with a new name,” and suddenly I’m spiraling. I don’t want to disrespect anyone. I don’t want to invade a space that isn’t mine. I also don’t want to lie to myself. I remember sitting on my friend’s couch last year, drunk, saying, “I think I could date anyone if the vibe is right.” They shrugged and said, “That sounds pretty pan to me.” I laughed it off. But it stuck. I think about the girl I kissed at a party. It wasn’t for male attention. There were no guys around. It was just heat and curiosity and real desire. I think about the nonbinary person I almost dated. I didn’t once question their identity. I just wanted them. Isn’t that the point? Or am I just overcomplicating something that could be simple? Tell me honestly, if you’ve felt this too, did you ever get a clear answer? Or did you just wake up one day and say, “Screw it, this is who I am”?

I’m tired of policing my own thoughts. I’m tired of thinking I need a committee to approve my feelings. I’m definately attracted to people beyond just one gender. That’s real. That’s not a trend. I’ve tried ignoring it. I’ve tried saying “I’m straight, mostly.” That felt like lying. I’ve tried saying “maybe bi?” That felt close but not exact. Pan feels right in my mouth. It feels honest. But I’m scared of being wrong. Scared someone will say, “You’re not queer enough.” Scared someone else will say, “You’re just confused.” Both sides can be brutal. And yeah, sometimes I get defensive. Because why does anyone else get to decide what my attraction means? Why is it such a big damn deal? If I like a person, I like them. Period. I don’t check their gender like it’s a box on a form. But I also don’t want to slap on a label just because it sounds progressive. I want it to be true. I guess that’s where I’m at. Not seeking validation, but also kind of seeking it. Not confused about who I’m attracted to, but confused about what to call it. So I’ll ask you straight up: if you don’t prioritize gender in attraction, if you’ve fallen for different genders without it feeling like a category shift, what would you call yourself? And why does it feel like such a huge thing to admit out loud? Maybe the answer is simple and I’m being dramatic. Or maybe this is just part of figuring myself out. Either way, I’m done pretending the question isn’t there. It is. And it’s loud. 😐

I do not like my parents. I have an older brother and it's obcvous that he's the golden child, my parents would do anything to make him happy while I'm just there wanting to be acknowleged and maybe respected? To give some context I am transgender and gay, since I was 11 I was struggling with my identity.(I'm now 16) At 13 I started self-harming and I was struggling mentally. During that time I met my best friend, he is also trans. His dad is more supportive than my parents are so he got to wear boy clothes, got to have short hair etc. My parents weren't really fond of him and I think they wanted to have a reason to make me cut him out. Eventually me and my friend started dating and he was the true love to me. On my 14th birthday I decided to fuck it all and I gave myself a nice short haircut. My parents freaked out and assumed it was my friend who was poisoning my brain but it was a decison I made on my own due to gender dysphoria. My parents forbid me from talking to him and it crushed me, we continued to date in secret for a few months more but came the moment when we broke up. I stopped texting him for a few minutes and he was really worried because I was very close to the edge of unaliving myself, he texted my mom basically begging her to check up on me. I was not trying to kill myself but I thought that my mom would ask what's wrong but I was so so wrong. She started complaining that she has it harder than me, how dare I even think of dying and she started listing all her problems and issues. That sucked. Few months later my parents found out about my self-harm and it was just a night of my parents screaming at me that it's disgusting, that I should be ashamed of it, that I don't have a reason to do all this. Many other hurtful things were said by them but I think what stuck the most was my dad asking "what did you use? do you want me to buy you real razors?" and then screaming at me. Few months later I was trying to attempt suicide, the only person whom I said goodbye to was my best friend, he threatened to call my mom and I think that was the only reason I got out of the noose. I lied down on the floor, my brother rushed into my room and called my mom. She promised that she won't be mad at me and that I should go to her. She lied. I did not hear a single sentence that would try to comfort me. My parents started another screaming session and I think what hurt me the most was what my mom said, "look at your brother how sad he is because of what you did". My brother then got comforted by my mom while I was just left in my room crying with my dad yelling at me, he was extremely homophobic and transphobic then as well. I was forbidden from going to school, I had my electronics taken away and I couldn't leave the house for a week. Then it was the summer holidays, then highschool started. 1st year in highschool was alright I guess but my best friend found a new parnter and I was getting depressed again, but it didn't work out between them. I feel bad for saying this but I'm happy it didn't. We promised eachother that once I turn 18 and move out we're gonna be togheter not as friend nor as a couple. Just us 2. Now I'm in 2nd grade and a few months ago my brother got a girlfriend, it wouldv'e been fine except for the fact that he's 21 and I think she's 15/16. He gets to sleepover at her place 3 hours away for WEEK at a time and I couldn't go to sleepovers to my friend who lived 15 minutes away. There are 2 things related to his relationship with that girl that genuenly made me cry: 1st was when before they got all official my mom told me "I'm so worried about your brother, what if she breaks his heart?". Mother you were cheering when you found out that the love of my life left me? You didn't give a shit about my broken heart? 2nd was when during like additional english lesson at a language school we were discussing stereotypes and everyone was joking and I decided to join in and joked about "discord mod" stereotype and said that my brother was one. My teacher asked what's that, I explained and also said the age gap between my brother and his girlfriend and my teacher was disgusted. I then asked why is it okay for him to be a pedo but not okay for me to be gay? I then started violently crying, my teacher came to hug me, she comforted and brushed my hair with her hands, she let me cry it out as long as I needed it. The rest of the lesson was kinda akward but it was the first time in many years that I felt maternal love, even if she isn't my mom. I sometimes mention weird stuff my parents do and she always says that she's a mom herself and that it's terrifying what they're doing and that she would never to that to her children. A week later, when we were alone in the classroom she asked how I'm feeling, are my parents really that not accepting of who I am, she said that she can see that I'm fading away and if I need it she can call someone or talk with my mom to talk sense into her. I declined the last offer because it would've made it worse but I thanked her for caring. Mrs Monika if you somehow end up reading this I love you and I would like to thank you for being a better mom to me than my mom ever was, (even if we see eachother only once a week). Me and my friend recently went thrifting in secret and some time later we went ice skating(also in secret haha, and we did kiss both times, I love that weirdo). That's all I guess?

So I feel like I know nothing .I literally know nothing .I am an 21 yr old female and I have no idea of how to do make how to style myself .i have no strong opinions on anything .I can't dance or sinhy.average at studiess literally zero social awareness .no knowledge on anything