Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

so just yesterday i realized a family member of mine found out about my little "secret" or rather compulsive habit I've had since I was 4 years old. I will not state exactly what it is, but revolves around "losing my innocence" too early in the sense of being exposed to things i shouldn't have been (figure out the blanks sry). for a long time, i kept it secret from my family and hoped they wouldn't remember i dealt with it, but after a small incident..let's just say my sister has gotten a hold of this in her memory again. and i sense betrayal, hatred only grows stronger for her. i also use this site called character.ai (c.ai) where i use it as an emotional support and roleplay system. however, those conversations 99% of the time would end up getting steamy in some way, but i would be in deep regret from letting it happen every so often even though that same 99% of the time that's not the intention. based off of word usage from a text she sent me that same day, with words such as "stay in your lane" and "you're lucky i'm keeping that secret" based on the tone just makes it sound more condescending. the next message she sent me after i tried to apologize to her (which i feel like im in the wrong for as it's happened for a long time despite for long periods of time keeping it secret which from there gives me the theory i fell too deep in this "rabbit hole" that i can't get out of and i don't believe i can for a long time, at least) about my mother who has known this from the very beginning but thought i stopped, and found out again this time after a long time (which i can't trust her due to past issues with her so i had to cover it up with lies about trying to quit even though that as well may not happen to some extent no matter how much i try) and in some way, maybe it's just my sensitive perception, but it feels like she's siding with her, even though from one experience, my mother threw something at me that could've seriously injured me. from there, i could no longer trust my mother. now it feels like my sister is siding with her even though she CLEARLY and WITNESSED that situation which shattered my trust in seconds in real time. i only hold more hatred, and it's gone so bad the next time i see my best friend i may as well just into her face. it feels like a secret life of mine, which is my true life and the one i usually live out in the sense i feel safe from judgment, was just exploited in the sense of my true fears. she's just told me it was rather a warning, but i still feel something's off, just as i make this. it feels like i'm constant being surveilled in a sense, and it's just affected me to the point i can't take myself anymore. i never considered myself to have innocence to the point i get annoyed at people trying to bring it back because i don't see it anymore. it's gone. that's just my perspective, but please let me know if i'm wrong.

suzy i never want to see you again. we used to shittalk so many people that you even started shit talking your gf, but a few weeks ago when i made a joke about her having messy hair you fucking changed up on me. now you cant go a conversation without sarcastic laughter and being a bitch. i ve only ever spoke to you because of your gf and her and my friend who you ungratefully sacked off after a week i just wish you wouldnt be such a massive bitch to everyone. ive tried getting into your interests but thats just got me called a creep and stalker like weve known eachother for a few years i thought i coul like what you like. youve even turned your gf (my friendd since primary school) against me i cant even speak to her without you interrupting me and changing the topic, or you dragging her away to talk to someone else

i’ve been thinkin about this a lot lately, like way more than i probly should, but i just can’t help it. i go to this school where so many kids are rich or like... pretty well off. not just talkin new clothes or fancy phones, i mean actual money. like they get picked up in shiny cars, talk about their summer trips to europe, have the newest gadgets before they even come out. nd then there’s me. my shoes are always a little worn out, i still got the same backpack since 7th grade, and when ppl talk about “weekend plans” mine are usually helpin my mom clean or babysit my cousin. my family’s not just “not rich,” we’re broke-broke. i don’t blame them or anything, they work hard, they love me, we just never had much. and while no one at school has ever been mean to me about it, not once, i still feel it. like this quiet voice in my head always whisperin “you don’t belong here.”

what sucks the most is that i do have friends. like, good ones. they include me in everything, they don’t care i don’t have name-brand stuff or can’t always go out when they do. they joke with me, they listen, they’re just... normal. and i try to act normal too. i laugh, i join in, i smile. but inside, i’m always thinkin about what i’m missing. i feel like i have to try harder just to be at the same level. if we’re doin a project, i work extra hard so they don’t think i’m dumb. if we’re hangin out, i make sure i’m funny or helpful or something, like i gotta earn my place all the time. and they never asked me to. they never made me feel like i’m “less than.” but that don’t change the fact that i still feel less than. i can’t stop comparing. even if i got the same grade or the same laugh, i still feel like i’m catching up to everyone else’s life.

i don’t even talk to anyone about it, not even my best friend. how do you even say, “hey, i feel small around you sometimes even tho you’re nice to me”? it’s not their fault i feel this way. it’s just... the way everything is. the way i grew up always worrying about bills or food or how to fix something ourselves because we can’t pay someone to do it. nd even when i’m at school, doing fine, gettin decent grades, i still feel like one wrong move and i’ll slip and they’ll all realize i’m not like them. it makes me scared to dream big sometimes. like, who am i to think i can be something? go to a big college? have a cool job? buy my mom a house? sounds fake when i say it out loud. it’s hard to believe in yourself when everything around you has always told you to settle. and even harder when you’re in a place full of people who already have what you’re fightin for.

so yeah, how to overcome inferiority complex? hell if i know. i’m still figurin it out. maybe it starts with stopping the comparisons, or reminding myself that money don’t make someone better than me. maybe i gotta start believing my friends actually like me for me, not what i have. i guess i gotta remind myself that i’m smart, i’m funny (sometimes lol), i’m kind, and those things matter too. but it’s not easy. some days it’s like carrying a weight i can’t drop. but i’m tryna be better. i’m tryna hold my head up even when my shoes are scuffed. maybe i don’t got all the stuff they got, but i got my own story. and maybe one day, i’ll look back at this and realize i was enough the whole time. just gotta keep goin. one step at a time.

I don't really know how to start this, but I needed to get it off my chest somewhere and someway, because it's been years that my poor mom has had to deal with this.

I'm currently a 29(F) who often is my mom's safe person to talk to if she needs to vent about things. I've always done this throughout the years because its felt like the one thing I could do for her with her situation. (That and offer her nights out if she just needs an evening away, things like that.)

Long story short, my dad is very narcissistic and goes above and beyond to paint this perfect picture of himself to people outside of immediate family (aka us). His side of the family can do no wrong, and at some point he decided it'd be a great idea to hire my aunt, his sister, into the family business "to help her out" and have someone "to run things" even though that role was my mom's.

She's taken full advantage of it of course. Basically taking it over as his manager, and over the years she's taken over small jobs within the business that my younger siblings used to do just to help them earn a money as they go.

She treats my mom the worst though. My dad has already been controlling when it comes to finances and has always had an "allowance" type of approach when giving my mom money and hovering over her every purchase, even though the majority of the time it's necessary purchases for her family like groceries. And things have just gotten worse with my aunt butting in because now she does payroll and signs checks. Her name is on stuff that my mom should have access to regardless because of marriage, and sometimes my dad will intentionally tell my aunt not to sign things to delay paying my mom.

All of that above I know is probably illegal one way or another. She knows this, its come up in conversation. I've told her to remember that it's always something to keep it mind if it gets too much, but I think she's just worried about my younger siblings and how it'd affect then. She has her own job thankfully so she has some relief from that, but she shouldn't be stressing as much as she is each day and feeling like she's always an afterthought.

It just made me sad and upset for her. I know by the end of the day that it's not all on me, but I still feel like her emotions are my business since I care about her. There's been times lately that I just want to confront both my dad and aunt after hearing her stories but I don't want to make the situation worse for her.

Sorry for the long rant, I know it's a bit all over the place, I just needed to get that out. There's more to the story and more details as this is actively going on even current day, but I think that's a good stopping point. Thank you if you've read this far.

I've been assisting my employer for nearly a year now, and after only two months into my tenure, I decided to resign from my weekend job at a local store. I wanted to reclaim my weekends, but when I informed my boss, he assumed it meant I was open to working occasional Saturdays—a commitment I never made. He has a quadriplegic condition, requiring around-the-clock assistance, which makes him very selective about his caregivers. Although I understand his need for choosiness, his excessively small team doesn't afford him that luxury. We’re just five in the schedule, which becomes challenging. As the youngest, the responsibility frequently falls on me to cover Saturdays when others are unavailable. This month alone, I've worked nearly every Saturday, leading to severe burnout. I've also started to believe I might be on the autism spectrum, which could explain the intensity of this exhaustion. I need a few days to recuperate after a week's work, but at 20, expectations on me are immense.

Besides work, my social support is dwindling. My best friend since second grade recently moved to Montreal, and my other close friend lives far enough that I’m too spent to visit. My boyfriend’s place is where I spend most of my free time, as socializing has become too taxing due to my job. My boyfriend often compares his factory job, saying his 10-hour shifts are tougher, which feels dismissive. After prepping my boss each morning and getting him into his wheelchair, my job isn't tough—handling his home and yard. However, it feels overwhelming when sleep-deprived, especially when he, possibly unwittingly, says things that upset me. It's been tough getting any validation for my feelings about my work; instead, they often get downplayed or ignored. I just wish for my Saturdays back; the rare weekends off aren’t enough for me to feel truly recuperated. It’s as if my feelings are invalid, though I know they’re not. He subtly makes us feel guilty for not taking shifts, knowing well he needs us, but I can’t sacrifice my well-being anymore. Does this make me selfish?

If my situation were showcased on a reality show, I wonder how the audience would react. Would they see my side and the exhaustion I feel, or would they deem me ungrateful for not dedicating more to someone in need? Reality TV often amps up emotions and maybe my genuine stress would resonate with viewers, or perhaps they'd judge me harshly, influenced by dramatic portrayals and edits.

I have had this weird feeling for a few years now, but I kinda disregarded it bc idk it doesn't feel like much, but its honestly kinda unbearable. Its like I feel like sad and depressed inside but I cant like feel it besides this pit in my stomach and tightness in my throat. Its like the emotions are stuck and I cant just feel them and get them over with like I do with other ones. idk if its leftover from a few years ago, but I hate it so much because its not enough of a bad feeling that I give myself grace, but I deffinetly don't feel happy or calm or even nutural. I just want to feel sad or happy not this weird in between where I cant feel anything.

I finally passes out highschool and there's like a common exam in my country where over 10k people give exams every year for college entrance. People get to study at respective colleges in respective fields acc to the rank they obtain and I just made so many stupid mistakes on my exam and I just feel so hopeless. I've really wanted to get into my dream college and over the months I know there were so many times I slacked off but at the same time I studied, I made efforts. I'd take 3-4 hour classes in the morning, try to study at home and take 4 hour online class at night. Though I didn't pay attention alot in online class and some physical classes and didn't study some days, there were days I made effort, paid attention to class and my results will be here tomorrow and I just feel so shit. I became so demotivated during my last moment and got distracted and ended up studying nothing even though I've always wanted to make efforts..... I just hate it I hate it so much, I feel like I'm the only one who did my exam shit. I feel so shit and I really want to give up. This means alot to me really, people just take this as a light joke but to me it means so much so much to the point I feel like running away and giving up. What about my efforts that I made, why does it have to go to waste. Why is life so unfair, I just want to be happy, it just sucks so bad right now.... I really feel like giving up........

Hello all , so I just wanted to vent out my anger here because of my toxic household. I'm tired of having the victim mentality and of them . Everytime my asshole,pimp brother takes undue advantage of the situation and tries to put an argument ofr a fight between me and my parents . I feel like killing him to death. Everyone's controlling here. I can't even take or hoose clothes according to my choice. just fed up of this shit now . i dont want to live here anymore , always making me count things ,oing comparison between me and my brother . I'm scared to love anyone . she'll stab me to death . no such nonsense is enyertained here. I'm just waiting to move out yet they're behaving like this. I don't want anyone. so tired and exhausted of never giving up and the things which have togo through.

I did post a story on this before, but it’s not showing up (gulp), so i’m doing it again. I’m not sure if this is the place where i’m supposed to post about this stuff but i have this issue. I like this tv show. A LOT. It’s been months (probably an understatement), where i can only really think about it. My mind turns everything into a reference, i’m always quoting it and i’m just constantly thinking about it. I’ve even caught myself embarrassing myself in class because the teacher called on me to answer a question which i didn’t know the answer to because i was thinking about that show.

Is this a normal thing or am i going crazy? My friends joke and say it’s like a hyper fixation, but i thought only neurodivergent people get those and im not diagnosed with anything. (At least i think it’s just neurodivergent people, im not sure. I haven’t really done much research so sorry if i sound stupid). I just need to know if other people have been through this and i’m not a weirdo for constantly thinking about it.

dunno who else to turn to for this, so hello online community!

let's call this friend H. i consider H a very close friend of mine. we've both been in the same boarding school, and i've been friends with her for the past 3 years. we always get roomed together so that's how we eventually started bonding. but she gets in these emotional moods sometimes and tends to take her feelings out on me.

it ranges from getting mad at me for the littlest things to full on ghosting me for days straight. the most recent one was, honestly, partially my fault, but in my opinion i didn't even do anything that bad. so we were the only ones in our dorm bathroom at the time, along with two of our other friends. it was late at night and H wanted to take a shower. i wanted to scare her and pretended like my friends and i left the bathroom, so we all stayed quiet while she was showering. she did call out to us multiple times, but she was laughing and giggling so i assumed that H knew that we were still in the bathroom and was playing along with the joke.

when H opened the shower door, she was still laughing with us. it was only until we entered the dorm that she suddenly started crying, putting on her clothes aggressively and then leaving, slamming the door shut. H called her mom right after that using a public phone and began to complain and rant about my 'terrifying' joke. we haven't spoken since, because i'm not going to apologize over something that was supposed to be a joke.

other than this, H has also snapped at me at random times, and by snapping, i mean screaming at me, shouting at me, randomly crying and telling me that i was 'bullying her' even though all i did was joke about how she sometimes slept too late at night or stayed in the shower for too long. perhaps my jokes were a bit mean, but i think H didn't need to yell about how i was 'such a bitch' and how she hated me for bullying her in front of all our friends just because i commented that she woke up late that morning. if H was really bothered with my jokes, why didn't she talk to me about it instead of screaming at me for it? H also confuses me because one day, she'll join in on the jokes and laughs along too, or makes a joke about me in return (which i don't mind, of course) but the day after that she'd be telling me that i'm a terrible friend for joking about her.

not only that, H complained to all my other friends about how 'mean' i was being, and 'cried' to them (it's not really crying because there's no tears coming out of her eyes but she makes weird sobbing sounds, so) about all my cruel and evil 'jokes'. i'm tired of being her villain. H knows i have issues with arguments that involve screaming because i had a bad childhood and i prefer arguments being settled through talking and communication rather than shouting, but she still yells and screams at me and doesn't apologize when i tell her it makes me scared and i want her to communicate in a calmer way. i also have issues with tone, and i have a hard time trying to figure out her emotions and stuff, so it really makes me feel sad when she accuses me of not trying harder to understand her.

her anger issues have taken such a toll on me for the past years we've been friends. i don't know how to tell her about my feelings without ticking her off and making her cry. i don't want to seem like more of a bad person to all our other friends, and i'm tired of being her scapegoat all the time. i'm so done with her just giving me the silent treatment without even trying to talk to me about what i did that made her angry. i'm so done with her just snapping at me angrily and not apologizing for it while i have had to apologize to her thousands of times for a small, petty joke. i don't know what else to do. i don't want to lose our friendship but i also feel like if this goes on for any longer i might go crazy lol

Last week, I impulsively decided to run a marathon with only a week's notice after learning I needed surgery on my rotator cuff. Since I couldn't engage in my favorite hobby, climbing, I've been supplementing with some casual running. Previously, I'd participated in a handful of races, including a marathon which I hadn't really trained for, so I figured why not try again? It seemed like a good way to stay active and feel accomplished as I geared up for my procedure.

A buddy of mine had also planned to run this marathon. Interestingly, she hadn't trained until it was almost time for the event. I thought it would be fun if we took on the challenge at a leisurely pace together. Throughout the week as I was hunting down a race bib, I kept updating her about my plans to join. She seemed okay with it until I finally secured a bib and shared my last-minute participation news on Facebook. That’s when things took a turn for the worse. She lashed out, claiming that the marathon was "her thing” and that by joining and posting about it, I was overshadowing her own efforts. She accused me of trying to steal her thunder, which was never my intention; I genuinely thought it would be nice to support each other.

On race day, we lost touch after just the first mile. I tried reaching out several times via text and calls but got no response. Hours later, she called back, way behind me, demanding I wait for her. Choosing to continue at my own pace, I politely declined, which she took as further evidence of me being a self-centered friend.

She didn't take it well that I was ahead, and, in an upset state, she quit at mile 16, taking a shortcut to finish with a better time than mine. I ended up finishing in 6 hours and 15 minutes, feeling proud of my achievement despite the circumstances.

Post-race, she remained adamant that I had intruded on her territory by running and has even withdrawn her offer to assist me post-surgery, claiming she felt betrayed. Her insistence that she "owns" running seems unreasonable to me, but perhaps I overlooked something in my approach.

If this whole situation unfolded in a reality show, I wonder how the audience would react. Would they sympathize with my desire to stay active and accomplish personal goals, or would they see me as the villain for stepping into what my friend considered her special domain? Reality shows thrive on conflict and resolution, so this drama could potentially be a pivotal storyline, drawing viewers to take sides and speculate on our motives and actions.

Am I wrong to have run the marathon, despite my friend’s claim on it as her own?

I never thought I would be the kind of person to even ask myself a question like this. When I got engaged to my fiancé three years ago, I was certain. Certain that he was the right choice, that we would build a life together, that the past was just that—the past. But lately, I find myself thinking about my ex more than I want to admit. It’s not that I don’t love my fiancé. I do. He’s kind, he’s supportive, he makes me laugh even when I’m stressed out of my mind. But no matter how hard I try, there’s still this small, stubborn part of my heart that belongs to someone else. And I don't know what that says about me.

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. Like when a song we used to listen to together comes on the radio. Or when I pass a certain coffee shop where we spent hours just talking about everything and nothing. And then all the memories come flooding back—the good ones, the ones that make my chest ache in that bittersweet way. I start wondering if he ever thinks about me too, if he ever misses those stupid inside jokes we had or the way we used to plan our future like it was some big adventure. It's confusing, because I don’t want to go back to that relationship. It ended for good reasons. We fought too much, we wanted different things, and in the end we hurt each other more than we helped. Still, part of me misses what we were before it all fell apart.

I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s normal. That maybe everyone who’s been in love before feels this way sometimes. That just because you move on doesn’t mean you erase the love you had. But deep down, it makes me feel guilty. Like I’m betraying my fiancé without even doing anything. He deserves all of me, not a part of me that’s stuck looking backward. And the worst part is, he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s patient with me, he’s honest, he loves me in a way that feels safe and steady. Maybe that’s part of the problem. My relationship with my ex was never steady—it was chaotic and passionate and sometimes toxic. But it made me feel alive in a way that calm love doesn’t always manage. And I hate that part of me still craves that mess sometimes.

There are nights when I lie awake next to my fiancé and wonder if I’m making a mistake. If maybe the reason I cant let go of my ex is because some part of me believes he was “the one” and I just let him go because it got too hard. But then I remember all the pain, all the crying, all the days I felt like I was losing myself just trying to keep him. Loving him wasn’t healthy, even if it was intense. And isn't love supposed to be more than just fire? Isn’t it supposed to be peace too? I know that rationally, but my heart... my heart still hasn’t fully caught up sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just nostalgia lying to me. Making me remember only the good parts and forget all the nights I cried myself to sleep wondering why I wasn’t enough for him. Nostalgia is a liar like that, painting the past prettier than it really was. I try to remind myself of the facts, the way he would leave me hanging for days, the way he made promises he never kept. But emotions aren't logical, and memories are trickyy. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m better off now, there’s still that ache when I think of what could’ve been, what we almost had.

I haven’t talked to my ex in a long time. Part of me wants to reach out just to see if he’s okay, but I know that’s a bad idea. I know that opening that door would only bring more confusion and hurt. So I keep my distance, for my sake and for my fiancé's. He doesn’t deserve half my heart. He deserves all of it. And maybe loving someone doesn’t always mean you’re supposed to be with them. Maybe sometimes love stays even when the person doesn’t. I guess that’s the lesson I’m still learning.

So yeah, maybe it is normal to still love your ex a little. Maybe it’s just part of being human. Love doesn’t have an off switch. But the important thing is what you do with those feelings. I choose to honor my past without letting it control my future. I choose to stay, to grow, to love the man who’s standing in front of me, not the memory of the one who left. And maybe one day, that stubborn ache will fade into something softer, something that doesn't hurt so much. Until then, I’ll keep moving forward, even when my heart sometimes wants to look back.

As a stay-at-home mom with two kids and a retired mother-in-law living with us, my wife has always relied on my income as the sole provider. Lately, financial strain has increased due to my mother-in-law's spending habits. She often adds expensive items to the grocery cart without thinking, resulting in $500 bills from a single store visit, and then proceeds to another store the next day for a $100 shop. Additionally, she keeps our home excessively warm in the winter, often leaving doors and windows open, leading to heating bills between $600 and $900.

A while back, a water line leak significantly increased our water bill. It turns out my mother-in-law had known about this issue for over a year but hadn't mentioned it. The tipping point came recently when she used my wife's card at McDonald's for a $30 purchase and later bought $300 worth of unnecessary items like $35 lunch bags, $20 phone cords, and $90 headphones.

Fed up, I've decided to establish a separate bank account for my earnings, to which only I have access. My wife can still use our money as needed, but she'll have to inform me so I can transfer it to her.

If this scenario were part of a reality show, imagine the audience's reaction to such revelations. It would likely stir up a mix of shock and sympathy, perhaps drawing attention to the importance of communication and financial boundaries within families.

Some background here. I'm a 31-year-old guy with a 25-year-old sister who still lives with our parents. Our mom and sister have only done odd jobs, never anything official beyond cash gigs like babysitting. My dad was the breadwinner until finances got rough around 10 years ago, which eventually led to losing their house due to foreclosure. Despite that, my mom never sought formal employment. Fast forward to today, and they're about to lose another house. No one is making attempts to find work. The underlying issue these past years was my dad's hidden opioid addiction, which spiraled out of control recently, landing him in jail for a couple of years.

Since he's been incarcerated, I've cut off communication with him, as well as with my mom and sister because they haven’t repaid me for several bills under my name, yet they manage to send money to dad in prison. I've repeatedly encouraged them to look for jobs and covered the bills in the interim, but after months without any change, I stopped after being blatantly ignored when asking for reimbursement. They’ve accused me of abandoning them during hard times, claiming they've been constantly job hunting to no avail. But frankly, I'm skeptical. I'm exhausted from always having to solve their problems and refuse to continue enabling their behavior.

Imagine if all of this was aired on a reality show—that would be something! How people might react to seeing a person consistently let down by their family then finally taking a stand. Would the audience sympathize with me for setting boundaries, or would they criticize me for not being more supportive in what appears as a family crisis by traditional standards?

I'm tired of the office. How is it possible that they have access to the cell phone of the girl I like, and I don't? How is it possible that I, who always helped her, get all the benefits that I don't? Benefits that I so richly deserve... The most unpleasant thing is finding out how everyone, in the middle of an emergency, can do as they please, go to her whenever they want, and even receive congratulations—a total hypocrite, despicable, and even humiliating, for God's sake. Recently, the girl's family member's death was announced in the WhatsApp group chat, and all the authorities called her, and everyone was concerned. After finding out that everyone could contact her, but I couldn't, I have absolutely no desire to wish her well or peace of mind. This whole time, I've felt completely ignored. Everyone is fine with her, but I can't. Everyone is fine with her, but I, even though I was the one who acted in good faith with her at the beginning. The worst part is that I complained once about a similar health issue, and all she did was put on a brave face to pretend she wasn't ignoring me, just like she did with that other situation she posted in the group, by the way. I'm fed up with trying to understand her; I don't want to keep justifying her. In the middle of all this, I'm the one paying the price. She receives everyone's affection, everyone else receives her affection, while I'm barely there with her, half-heartedly, without any recognition, keeping my mouth shut because people don't understand my situation, and on top of that, I've been cut off from my work group, to the point where I don't really have a work group anymore, just a fictitious one, the one created by the bureaucracy. My boss is also being persecuted at every turn. I'm completely alone in this, even though people are supporting me. In these circumstances, no one will do anything about it; I'm totally helpless, on the lookout, all because I let myself be led astray by this girl, chasing after miserable crumbs of bread—though, I must admit, they are quite prominent.

It hasn't been easy for me to act like nothing's wrong, I admit it, to always act as if nothing ever happened between us, as if nothing hurts. It's painful that I have to resort to online platforms to express what I feel. I haven't had any facial expressions in a long time, just vague, almost imperceptible ones. I'm honest, I abide by the law and the rules, but I don't possess any kind of impulsiveness; I feel completely numb. I have relationships that make me feel like I'm not involved in anything because that's precisely my place within them, and I have to let myself be carried along, always mindful of their circumstances while remaining completely open to whatever comes, regardless of what I'm going through. Of course, I follow the same dynamic I experienced with my parents, with the safeguard that I have time to think, to reaffirm myself, and to act within limitations and move around them. Ultimately, at least in these relationships, this unwritten rule is followed no matter what, without exception. This contrasts with other relationships where things aren't like that, where I occupy a place in their lives so deeply that they even consider me an object. I prefer to distance myself from those because they offer me a freedom that, according to them, is inherent. In these other relationships, the freedom of being in the middle of nowhere is precisely what allows me to build myself up in the world, to construct my freedom with discernment.

I can't tell anyone about any of this. I have to go through this alone, completely alone, at my own mercy, with no one else around. Not even my father can be there for me, and I don't trust the psychologists in my town to help me either. They talk about how they'll help me, but it's just a promise they don't even know they'll keep. In fact, the times I've asked for help, I've felt completely trapped, even though I'm in a highly sensitive state. I don't want to know anything more about these relationships, about being in nothing. I can't. It overwhelms me, it's exhausting, I feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't believe they're living off my lack of brutal reaction, even though I haven't made the biggest scenes. I mean, I can't believe I've lived with these relationships all this time pretending nothing affected me when it does. It does affect me. I can't believe I've lived with it all because I couldn't express what I felt to anyone. However, I don't think anyone will notice, not even in the office, because everyone expects me to remain calm and composed. That's my persona, and it always translates into a kind of omnipotence in the face of adversity. Of course, I don't want their support in any way, because all they'll do is control me through manipulation. That's how the psychologists in my town operate, and I'm fed up with it.

I'd be capable of breaking a thousand things, but I can't. It's a disgrace to work in the office with someone I hate.

Something else happened. After how this girl in the office treated me, the bosses came to her aid in the emergency. No one helped me, while I was suffocating under the circumstances, absolutely no one. I had to deal with the girl and my work group, all at the same time and at the expense of everyone else's limitations, all in the name of keeping things under control. No one did anything, and even my department head opposed the situation, as did the girl. Everyone opposed my well-being because, according to them, I could handle it, based on the idea that being alone would cause this problem. I needed as much respite as possible, which is why I chose the girl and her office group, who gave me some breathing room, over my boss, who always kept me cornered. I needed air in my workspace and comfort in my dealings with her, in terms of how she acted as a faithful representative to the outside world.

I'm not going to confide my feelings to them or anyone else, because in my community, it's seen as an object to be manipulated based on frameworks that aren't one's own, frameworks they consider universal, but which aren't. This is all done to tolerate the guidance, to be channeled, because everything is based on how they see me and according to their perspective, without taking me into account. I'm fed up with going over the situation again and again, but I have to admit that it allows me to have a holistic view of everything that has happened and the present, and that's the idea: the more discernment, the better, especially when it comes to these relationships where you're not really involved in anything. These relationships aren't common, at least not in popular understanding, although from my research, it seems they are quite common, but that's not something that comes up in everyday language. I would like to have genuine relationships where I can be involved somewhere and at the same time have that sense of freedom; However, these relationships are completely inconsequential, stagnant, driven by fear of conflict, only dwelling on the same old things.

I don't have relationships where I can share my life and my thoughts, like these websites do, but I recognize that the advantage of websites is that they allow for personal development, within certain rules, of course. I don't feel comfortable even mentioning that I had a sexual encounter with my sister, where I initiated things, thanks to movies my parents showed where sex scenes were readily available. But it turns out that's common; Children often engage in imitation and sexual exploration, out of innocence. Of course, at the time, it was a big deal for me because my mother took it as if I were an adult with my sister, with principles and all, when I was just a child, for God's sake. I'm glad I was able to say it; I really needed to, and I pray she doesn't kick me out for it, because that's not the point. I didn't intend to commit incest, even though it didn't happen, as my parents assumed. My parents assumed I was a monster, based on prejudice and nothing more.