Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

It's been a few months since my dear wife passed away from cancer. At 52, I find myself at a loss, struggling to navigate the labyrinth of emotions that seems endless. I've read, heard, and tried to digest that "time heals all wounds," but I'm just not feelin' it right now. Every room in our house whispers her name, and her laugh echoes in corners where sunlight rarely touches. The silence is unnerving, and the ticking clock feels more like a countdown than a comfort. Is it supposed to be this hard???

I'm stuck in this weird spot. Friends say, "Keep going, bud," like it's some pre-recorded advice they play on repeat. But how does one keep going when the road ahead is clouded in fog??? I find snippets of relief in memories, reminiscing the good ol' days, but it ain't easy to keep trudging forward. I'm tryin' to channel my grief into something productive. Working on little projects, ya know? Like fixing that squeaky cabinet she always hated. Baby steps, I guess. Positivity, right? What I crave is some assurance that this path I'm on is progressive, that eventually, I'll find solid ground. So, how to keep going??? Any hints, any tips!!! To stumble upon a ray of hope amid this haze would be a blessing. Embracing positivity isn't just about keeping a smile plastered on my face; it's about granting myself grace and acknowledging that perhaps I don't have all the answers right now, and maybe that's okay. Maybe it's okay to ask for help once in a while...

Mother-in-law story here but I am the MIL!

At 63, managing life as a bustling single mother and grandmother isn't simple. I live with three of my children, who are 22, 26, and 30 years old, along with my beloved grandson. Life is full but fulfilling in its own unique way. My eldest son and his wife, who live several hours away, visited us last weekend. During their stay, my daughter-in-law took a moment to express her concerns about my household's current situation. She tactfully mentioned her worry about her siblings-in-law not pursuing further education or long-term careers. Her remarks hinted that she found the lack of progress and independence in my adult children disconcerting.

Since their move, the frequency of their visits has lessened, which had puzzled me until now. When asked, my daughter-in-law pointed out the practical issues such as the lack of sleeping space, hinting that the living arrangements were hardly ideal for guests. It's been eight years since she joined our family and our relationship had always been pleasant. However, her recent observations, layered with a certain air of judgment, did catch me off guard. She's a professional nurse and played a significant role in encouraging my son to specialize in IT. Meanwhile, the rest of us have continued with our regular jobs, managing to keep ourselves economically stable.

Her insight into our living dynamics seemed to stir a notion that we were somehow lagging behind ideal societal milestones. This perspective, particularly as they consider starting their own family, seemed to magnify her apprehensions. Challenged by her viewpoint, my response, perhaps sharper than intended, suggested she might have married into the wrong family. This remark apparently wounded her, as my son later pointed out, indicating I had hurt her feelings. While she possibly meant well, her comments pierced me too, suggesting a dissatisfaction with our family dynamics.

On a different note, imagine if this scenario played out on a reality show. The sparks would fly! Reality TV thrives on the tensions that arise from such family dynamics and heartfelt exchanges. Cameras rolling as the confrontation unfolded would likely amplify our reactions for dramatic effect, perhaps encouraging viewers to take sides. The episode would probably conclude with cliff-hanger music, leaving the audience eager to tune in next week and see if family bridges are burned or built stronger.

what's the bloody point when you miss your ex, really? you're sitting there, 27, thinking you've moved past high school drama, but nope, you're right back there. they left you three months ago after three intense years together, and now you're spiraling into a bottomless pit of depression. is there a secret manual for getting over an ex that everyone else somehow got but you missed? if sharing this is going to make any sense, let's break it down.

to put it bluntly, it’s a daily grind. you wake up every day hoping for some magical cure or one of those flicks where you bump into someone in a coffee shop and everything just falls into place. spoiler alert: shit's not happening. your heart's tied to someone who might not have been the right puzzle piece after all. or maybe they were and universe is just screwing with you. you're stuck in a loop, thinking about her scent, her stupid laugh, the way she made you coffee on cold mornings. fair warning, you might become one of those coffee-obsessed nutcases pretty soon.

but seriously, what are your options when the loneliness eats you up daily? pretending you're okay is a common go-to. you dress up, put on that 'i don't give a damn' façade, but inside, oh boy, you know it's raining cats and dogs. you could dive into new hobbies or some self-help BS, but the reality is far from motivational quotes. sometimes, you're just lying on the couch questioning your existence or scrolling endlessly through social media pretending you’re searching for a life hack. it’s all a load of bollocks, innit?

sure, everyone sings the whole “focus on yourself” song, but let’s face it, they don’t know your pain, do they? it’s like everyone turned into self-help gurus overnight. everyone’s an expert in feelings except you. being miserable doesn't come with a handbook. eating ice cream or crying into a pillow is about as therapeutic as it gets. you want to ask the universe or whoever's in charge of this mess, “can I unsubscribe from heartbreak, please?” but you know better. it's not that easy, and you’re stuck trying not to curse your past life choices.

here’s the kicker – you're supposed to "move on" and "find someone better", but what if you just want a break from the circus of life?! let's be honest, there are no easy answers here. it's trial and error, with an extra slice of error just for good measure. you might miss her, but life's a bitch and life ain't waiting. are you going to keep reminiscing about the past or finally get off your ass and write a new chapter? time’s ticking, what’s your move?

Some background here. I'm a 31-year-old guy with a 25-year-old sister who still lives with our parents. Our mom and sister have only done odd jobs, never anything official beyond cash gigs like babysitting. My dad was the breadwinner until finances got rough around 10 years ago, which eventually led to losing their house due to foreclosure. Despite that, my mom never sought formal employment. Fast forward to today, and they're about to lose another house. No one is making attempts to find work. The underlying issue these past years was my dad's hidden opioid addiction, which spiraled out of control recently, landing him in jail for a couple of years.

Since he's been incarcerated, I've cut off communication with him, as well as with my mom and sister because they haven’t repaid me for several bills under my name, yet they manage to send money to dad in prison. I've repeatedly encouraged them to look for jobs and covered the bills in the interim, but after months without any change, I stopped after being blatantly ignored when asking for reimbursement. They’ve accused me of abandoning them during hard times, claiming they've been constantly job hunting to no avail. But frankly, I'm skeptical. I'm exhausted from always having to solve their problems and refuse to continue enabling their behavior.

Imagine if all of this was aired on a reality show—that would be something! How people might react to seeing a person consistently let down by their family then finally taking a stand. Would the audience sympathize with me for setting boundaries, or would they criticize me for not being more supportive in what appears as a family crisis by traditional standards?

Ever feel like you're just a speck of dust in the universe, unnoticed and unimportant? like, you go through your day, and it's as if no one gives an ounce of thought about you? 🙄 let's start with my family, the people who are supposed to be my ride or die, right? wrong. they act like they care, but when was the last time any of them stopped, took a moment out of their busy lives, and actually reached out? it feels like forever and a day. instead, they're caught up in their own whirlwind of drama and issues, completely neglecting the fact that I might actually need someone to lean on. it's as if checking in on me isn't on their to-do list. and my friends... or whatever you'd call them. relationships feel so transactional these days. it's not like they give a rat's ass about what's going on with me unless there's a benefit for them in the picture.

then I start to wonder, am I the problem here? is there some kind of vibe I'm giving off that screams "keep your distance"? or am I simply expecting too much from people who are just as messed up as everyone else? it baffles me how they can continue living in their bubble, completely oblivious or indifferent to what's happening around them. maybe it's the rise of social media and digital clutter? we're so glued to our screens that meaningful connection is taking the back seat. it makes me question if empathy is becoming extinct 🙄 or am I just surrounded by people devoid of genuine human emotion?

sometimes I think about speaking up, letting them know how I feel like a ghost in my own life, but then I think... what's the point? i hate putting myself out there only to be met with an awkward "oh, i'm so sorry" before the topic changes faster than a bitcoin price. is it even worth it? it shouldn't be this hard to feel like someone actually cares, should it?? in a world where we have the capability to connect with someone on the other side of the globe in seconds, why do the people right next to me seem so far away??? i'm fed up with feeling like an afterthought, a barely-there blip on people's radar. so tell me, have you ever felt like this? do people really care, or are we all just prisoners in our own self-absorbed minds??? 🤔

i'm 23M, and i really dont know where to begin. i'd say for the most part my life is pretty good. i have goals and dreams and im passionate about them, but it seems like when i reach a goal or something good happens to me im so burned out from all the previous things i cannot learn to feel truly happy about them. its like im never satisfied with the life i live. i love and cherish life deeply because i know one day there wont be a tomorrow and everything is done. but its seems like mentally im trapped, mentally i cannot learn to appreciate the things i have going on for me. Recently i was told that i would be getting my own full time job position at the end of the month. others happy for me ecstatic even. here i am stuck in this neutral state. like yeah im happy but then i think ? am i really? and then i started to go down a dark mental road. the two things i desire in life is to be in love and to be financially free. two things i know i can achieve but its seems they are never at the same time.... i met someone recently and the energy has been so good and the vibes were awesome to the point where i was nervous/awkward because i really couldnt believe it. things were great until a day or so ago shit just completely 180s the energy is off and i dont get replied to at all. and it angers me because why ? nothing happened from what i know things were great? it makes me so mad because why? why sit here and go throught all this dates and all just to be snubbed. it hurts me because i know the person i am i have morals and good hearted tendencies i would never do wrong unless done wrong. she tells me she manifested me and all of this yet im getting put on the craziest back burner ever... i feel as if im already fed up with it because it seems like time and time again its the same outcome and its like damn am i insane? because its starting to feel like the textbook definition. i know life goes at different paces and im still young but being old and still searching for my one is something i cannot bring myself to do. i feel like im stuck in my head and i have no way to control it. i dont wanna work the hard job for the rest of my life and i dont want to be alone. i know that im not alone because i have people but alone in the sense i have no one to call my own and its the fact that when i find someone its always stripped away from me to the point where i thought i was self sabotaging my relationships. i wish that i knew my fate in world sometimes because it would be enough to just understand that it will be okay in the end. but thats the mystery of the life we live. Life just feels like its becoming boring and just a repeated cycle everyday. wake up, go to work, come home, game, sleep, repeat that shit is boring games arent even fun anymore the thing i loved the most video games are not fun anymore. videos on videos watched to feel nothing but a laugh here and there. and then back in my head. theres no escape from it and i cant take it i just want to be happy. i have exciting news coming friday but im scared that when that time comes itll be another cycle of delayed gratification if thats even the statement for it. i just want to believe that im just going through the motions but im starting to think its more than that. i just want it to stop, im tired of restarting , im tired of the same workplace drama. im tired of the same thing i meet someone things go great it crashes. im tired of the life i live continuously being a dread because im stuck in the same cycle. im tired of saying im gonna do and never do. i just sometimes honestly want to give the fuck up but i know i cant. last night i thought about killing myself as i looked in the corner of my room because it all feels the same nothing makes me happy. i can't even begin to know what happiness is anymore i thought meeting this girl would light that fire in me again because i would know what its like to be wanted to feel loved. to be happy. but i never even got the chance too. my past 3 situationships have done nothing but dig me deeper in the ground. i just want to amount to something. i just want to know what its like to love someone and they love you back. i just want to be able to wake up and both my physical and mental are happy. this life is so precious and i just wonder is this how my life is meant to be spent? why is it like this? when do me and my people start to win? being counted out hurts more than anything it hurts when it feels like not even your friends believe in you because thats what your brain tells you. i know my life has a purpose and i know that all blessings must be counted no matter how big or how small. but im just stuck. im stuck feeling like shit builds up just to crash and burn i hate that my mind is so creative yet so deceptive i hate that it feels like my biggest enemy is myself and i dont know how to defeat him. i want to just be happy again.

My dad is constantly urging me to cover the vacation expenses for my sister since she's swamped with debt, while I'm in a better financial place. I've always been there to support her and pitch in with family finances, yet it feels overwhelming to be seen as the family's financial pillar since my income is significantly higher than most of my relatives.

My wife and I often enjoy trips to Disneyland and need to travel for both business purposes and family events, which seems to stir up some envy. To add to this, my parents have recently gained a substantial amount of money from a property sale they executed a while ago. I'm worried that they're mishandling this fortune and might end up with nothing.

A family wedding was announced recently, and just as we were planning to go, my father suggested that my wife and I should join their short vacation which happens to be just three days long. I tried explaining that it's a particularly busy period at work since my job is seasonal, but this only led to him being upset. He then insisted I handle the vacation expenses for my sister for an upcoming getaway, despite the fact that last year when I paid for her trip, she canceled at the last moment. I'm reluctant to do the same again.

The insistence on everyone being present for the whole trip disregards the reality that my sister and I have pressing work commitments. The focus of our travels should really be the wedding, not extra holiday activities that would detract from the important event.

Frustrated, he demanded that I should cancel our flights, which were costly due to the lengthy travel and destination being pricey, almost $1.3k for both me and my wife. He even pushed for canceling our Disneyland plans to accommodate his vacation agenda. This felt unfair, leading to my decision to unfriend him and another close relative from Facebook who echoed his unreasonable demands.

Canceling the flights would also mean a significant loss financially as getting a refund would be unlikely.

Considering this, if this were a scenario in a reality TV show, it’s likely that the drama and financial tensions would be heightened. Viewers might be intrigued by the family dynamics and the pressure placed on one member to shoulder financial responsibilities. The tension between maintaining personal boundaries and familial obligations could make for engaging television, possibly polarizing the audience in their sympathies and reactions.

Am I being unreasonable?

OK. So... Apparently I am going to my old neighbors New Years Eve party. We moved into a new house a year ago but our dad's are still friends so we have to hang out sometimes and we go to the same school. We've gone skiing together a couple times but I always get shy and weird around him. We haven't talked or really seen each other in months except for awkward, accidental eye contact every now and then at school. He's a grade above me so thankfully we don't see each other much but... I guess we're going to on New Year's. Not only that, my other past neighbors, one in particular that I was good friends with, are also going to be there. Well, I don't know for sure but there's a 99% chance so... The problem is that she also goes to my school, a grade above me, and I don't really know what happened but we both got awkward and stop talking and even saying hi to each other so we kind of pretend we just don't notice each other. I'm starting to wonder if she even remembers me or my name... But I really do miss her, I just feel like we've been ignoring each other for so long that it'll be weird if I say hi now. So there's another reason I'm debating faking sick to get out of this party. Now back to the other kid, let's call him, uhhh O. Sure, so O is... Well I don't even know why I find him mildly attractive.. *cough cough* BUT UHHH. It's okkk hehe.. So that probably adds to the "nervous around him" thing for sure. But, my fingers are tired so I'm just saying, I swear to God I'm going to embarrass myself and I know this is kind of the wrong website for this but IDC. Ok? IM DESPERATE. I needed somewhere to put my- feelings, and google gave me a warning. So to sum it up, I'm literally going to cry because we'll, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDHDNNSMSJDBHDNSNSNNSNSNSN!!! Ok well, save me. I'm dieing. OMG. 😭😅💀😟 Advice?

I need a man who see me for me

I need a man who respects and values me

a man who has seen my worth

I am not willing to offer what I have unless I see if he is worth my time or even to be part of my overthinking brain

I don’t have the time nor energy for another time waste shitty moment, is this what relationships are in this generation now?

when they have the time or boredom hits, they just come to you and have the audacity to be like , “oh wait, lemme just play with her feelings”

do people just face time you out of nowhere, fall asleep in the call and make you feel like your presence bring comfort one day and make you feel like a worthless piece of shit the other day or maybe I am just overthinking.

I’m a theory year old female and I have what I call a best lesbian (best friend lesbian). She cute and all and I think females in general are nice looking and I find attraction to many of them. But I’m not interested in anything further. I don’t feel the same pull for physical contact with females (give or take) that I do with males. But I have found over the years that I find more and more women beautiful. I’ve even stared at a few butts. Is there a label for me?? I think I’m still heterosexual but I’m not denying myself.

To provide some context, my parents went through a tumultuous divorce and currently, they do not communicate at all. I have my own family now—married with young kids—and we live in a house that's quite a distance from my father's residence. After his remarriage, which I did not attend, relations have been strained.

The occasion in question was my young son’s birthday. To my surprise, he wanted a full-fledged party even though he just turned three. Perhaps I was naive not to expect this; I quickly put together a guest list which included my son's friends and my mother, given her proximity and ability to attend at short notice. The celebration was delightful, and my son was thrilled. I shared some moments from the party on social media.

Then came a startling message from my dad. I’d rather not reproduce the message here, but it conveyed his frustration about not being invited to familial gatherings, my absence at his wedding, and his feeling that my mom has turned me against him. He warned of unspecified 'consequences' if this continued.

Confused, especially since I had just seen him at a family gathering on his side the previous month, I explained the impracticality of having him and my mom together, given the likely conflict. I suggested meeting up on another day so he could spend some time with my son. Regarding his wedding, I shared my discomfort about attending, stressing it wasn’t personal. His mention of 'consequences' did not sit well with me—I’m financially independent and, honestly, the idea of any material loss doesn't faze me much. Being excluded from his will or inheriting debts seemed the least of my worries.

Despite my efforts to explain, the conversation looped back to his grievances. I feel caught between maintaining peace and the desire for him to have a relationship with his grandchildren.

Adding to this, if our scenario played out on a reality show, I imagine the dramatic music ramping up as tensions unfold, with close-ups on tense faces. Viewers might be split—some empathizing with the need to keep family peace, others frustrated at my dad’s lack of understanding. Comments would probably flood in about family dynamics and managing elder relationships in modern settings.

I’m grappling with the idea of whether to limit our interactions as my siblings have chosen to do. It’s a tough call when you hope your children can know their grandfather, but not at the cost of constant family tension.

How would the public react to a reality show episode featuring this family conflict?

not my typical post this is a horror but no option for horror

this is chapwr one lmk what u guys think

Chapter One — The Hollow Tree

I ran but she caught me when the moon slipped behind the clouds and the world went silent.

Her grip closed around my ankle with a strength that belonged to graves and forgotten things. I fell hard, the breath knocked from my lungs, my palms sinking into the cold mulch of the forest floor. Dead leaves clung to my skin like the hands of the unburied, and for one hopeless moment I imagined that I, too, was sinking—downward—into the dark earth they all returned to.

A low hum trembled through the soil. A voice without words. A summons.

I twisted to look behind me.

I should not have.

She emerged from the dark like a memory that should have died centuries ago—long limbs bending in wrong directions, bones clicking against each other like rosary beads in restless hands. Her hair, long and dripping, veiled most of her face, though the smallest sliver of a grin stretched beneath it, white as moonlit marble and sharp as split stone.

The forest held its breath.

Even the wind dared not speak.

“Please,” I whispered, though my voice felt like it belonged to someone already fading.

Her head tilted. Not with mercy—no creature of mercy would be found in this place—but with recognition. As though she had been waiting, patient and starving, for the moment I would return.

The stories had warned me. My grandmother’s voice echoed, faint and trembling, from the deepest corners of childhood: Do not run from the Hollow Woman. She will come faster. Do not speak to her. She will hear you for a century. Do not look back. She is always closer than you think.

Yet I had done all three.

Her fingers tightened, cold as river stones, and she dragged me across the earth toward the hollow tree ahead—a towering corpse of a once-mighty oak, its trunk split open by some ancient and merciless storm. The gap gaped like a mouth, the inside impossibly dark, impossibly deep, as though it tunneled straight into the underworld.

The closer we drew, the more the forest changed. The trees bowed inward, crooked like mourners at a funeral. A smell seeped from the hollow—wet soil, rotting bark, and beneath it something sweet, like overripe fruit left too long in the sun.

“No,” I gasped, clawing at the ground. My nails scraped through moss and root, catching on stones slick with dew. My body obeyed terror’s instinct, but my mind was trapped in the slow, creeping dread that had haunted me since I first heard her voice two nights ago.

It had come with the storm.

I had been lying in my grandmother’s abandoned house—our ancestral ruin—when the lightning split the sky and the walls groaned like a living thing. A whisper curled through the cracks in the floorboards, thin as winter breath: Come back to me.

I thought it was grief. Or loneliness. Or the house settling around its last inhabitant.

But then the whisper came again.

And again.

And last night, when the moon was whole and bright, I saw her standing beneath the oak tree at the edge of the forest, her shadow stretching longer than her body should allow.

She had been waiting.

“Not yet,” I murmured, desperate, choking on soil as I fought against her grasp. “Please—not yet.”

For the first time, she paused.

Her grip, though unyielding, stilled. Slowly, achingly slowly, her face lifted, and beneath the curtain of her tangled hair I saw the hollow where her eyes should have been—deep, shadowed pits that seemed to draw in the light around them.

When she spoke, it was not with a voice but with a sound like roots cracking beneath frozen ground.

“You left me.”

My heart stuttered. A coldness spread through my chest, not the fear she inflicted but something older, deeper, something that knew her.

Because I had left her.

I didn’t understand why or how—but the moment she spoke, the truth whispered beneath my memory like something long buried scratching at the coffin lid.

“I don’t remember,” I whispered, and my own words tasted wrong, as if they were stolen from someone else’s mouth.

She dragged me another inch toward the hollow tree.

The moon finally slipped from behind the clouds then, its pale, shivering light spilling across us. For a moment—just a moment—she stopped moving. Her body stiffened. Her smile dropped into a grim line carved of stone.

The moonlight touched her skin, and she recoiled as though burned.

I felt her grip loosen.

Only a little.

Only enough.

With a cry torn raw from my throat, I twisted sharply, kicking with all the panic of a creature half-dead and unwilling to finish the job. My heel struck something soft—her face, perhaps—and her grip faltered.

I scrambled backward, breath ragged, legs shaking so violently they barely obeyed me. She hissed, a sound like a dying wind through hollow places.

But she did not lunge.

She watched.

The moonlight kept her rooted.

I staggered to my feet. Pain lanced up my knee. Blood soaked into my sock. Yet I ran—not with hope, but with the terror of someone who knows the night is far from over.

Behind me, her voice seeped through the trees like mist:

“When the moon dies, you are mine again.”

And above the forest canopy, the clouds thickened—slowly smothering the light that protected me.

Today, I experienced something I feel compelled to share, but let me provide some backdrop first. A while back, doctors diagnosed my mom, in her sixties, with a brain tumor that wasn’t causing her distress at the time. It was accidentally discovered during a check-up for a different issue. The doctors decided to monitor it rather than conducting invasive procedures.

Fast forward to the present, the tumor has gotten bigger. Mom's doctors are suggesting surgery to remove it and carry out further tests. Naturally, my mom is terrified about the operation and keeps wavering on her decision.

I relayed this situation to my husband, who's 35 like me. We've purposely kept our daughter, who's four, in the dark about her grandma's condition, so I spoke to him in private. It's important to know that my husband strongly favors natural remedies and believes people should address the root causes of their health problems. While I agree that medicine or surgery isn't always necessary—having managed my own anxiety and depression through lifestyle adjustments—his views can be a bit extreme for me.

Previously, when my sister was dealing with thyroid cancer, he attributed it to her stress levels and recommended meditation.

He gave a similar response when my dad needed urgent care for internal bleeding.

And once, when I had severe chest pain and had to rush to the ER—where I later found out I needed more tests—he insisted it was just anxiety and didn't accompany me.

When we found out our daughter had allergies and needed medication, he argued it was because she didn't spend enough time outdoors, claiming codependency could trigger respiratory issues.

Discussing my mom’s current medical issue, he suggested that breathwork could cure brain cancer and expressed that if he were in her shoes, he'd avoid surgery or medication and focus on lifestyle changes that might have led to the illness.

I requested him not to share these views with my mom and to instead offer me support. I wanted to know if he thought I was okay or if he could provide me emotional backing. He replied that he couldn’t support me while I disregarded his treatment ideas. Frustrated, I cut off the conversation.

Am I being unreasonable for asking him not to impose his unsolicited holistic treatments on my mom or to refrain from sharing those views with me? Please note, I’ve never asked for his medical opinions in the past, only for his emotional support.

Imagine if I were on some reality show discussing this—I bet the audience would be gasping and taking sides! Some might cheer for holistic approaches, while others would probably empathize with the need for emotional support during tough times. The scene would get heated, prompting all sorts of reactions from shock to support to disbelief!

I don’t understand it. My son is 10 years old, and to the outside world, he’s the sweetest, most polite kid ever. Teachers love him, other parents compliment me on how well-mannered he is, and whenever we go somewhere, he’s always the one saying “thank you” and “please” and acting like a perfect angel. But the second we’re alone, the second we get home and the door closes—it’s like he’s a completely different child. He snaps at me, rolls his eyes, sighs like everything I say is the most annoying thing in the world. I ask him to do something, and it’s “ugh, do I have to??” or “why can’t you do it yourself?” but if his teacher asks? Oh, he’s doing it without a problem. If his friend’s mom tells him something, he listens immediately. But me? The person who does everything for him? I get attitude. I get disrespect. And I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I try so hard to be patient, to not take it personally, but honestly? It hurts. I see the way he is with others, how easy it is for him to be kind and gentle with everyone except me, and I start questioning everything. Am I too strict? Too soft? Am I doing something that makes him resent me? I read all these articles saying “kids act out with their parents because they feel safe”, but I’m sorry, that doesn’t make it easier. Knowing that he trusts me enough to let out his emotions doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting when he rolls his eyes at me like I’m the most annoying person on earth. I know kids push boundaries with their parents, I get it. But when your own child treats strangers better than the person who loves him the most? It’s a different kind of pain. And it makes me scared, scared that one day, when he’s older, this won’t stop. That he’ll always see me as the one person he doesn’t have to be kind to.

I’ve tried talking to him about it. I’ve asked him why he acts this way, why he can be so good for everyone else but not for me. And every time, I get the same answer—"I don't know." Like, he genuinely doesn't think about it. It’s not like he’s making some big decision to treat me worse than everyone else, it just happens. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe he’s so used to me being here, being his person, the one who will love him no matter what, that he doesn’t feel like he has to be nice. But why does that make it okay? Why does unconditional love mean I have to be the emotional punching bag? I’m his mother, not his verbal stress ball.

I love my son more than anything, but some days, it’s hard not to feel unappreciated. Some days, I wish he could see how much effort I put in, how much I give to make sure he’s happy, safe, taken care of. I wish he would look at me the way he looks at his teachers, his friend’s parents, the nice lady at the grocery store. But most of all? I wish I knew that this is just a phase. That one day, he’ll realize how much I love him, how much I’ve done, and he’ll choose to be kind to me the same way he is to everyone else. Because right now? Right now, I feel like I’m giving my whole heart to someone who barely notices.

I'll try to express my feelings as clear as possible (my mind usually goes blank when I go and try to type stuff), and I'm sorry if I might come of as rude or inconsiderate, it really isn't my intention. Trigger warning of dark thoughts mentioned, if that's appropiate.

I'm particularly a young person, at the end of my teenage years, and I feel that life hasn't been going so well. I do well academically, even have that fame of people expecting good stuff about me, yet it has been a long time I have felt any proud for this. Thing is that I am lonely, and have been this way pretty much since the start of my social life. I am not in the position of being bullied, which I am grateful to be. Actually, people are usually nice to me, but that's the limit. Nobody has been interested in becoming friends with me. I was fine with it before, but it has been hurting more and more as time passes. I have tried many times to make social interactions, which is a huge step for me—it takes a lot of courage for me to go out and expose myself, because I tend to be socially anxious. These just end up as simple, friendly conversations, and sometimes even embarrassing. After I try to keep contact with them, they just seem like they aren't that interested in forming a friendship. I know it IS a process, but it is hard to keep it up if you sense the other person not wanting to get into it.

Life in my school has been very simple, I just try to be a good student and be cool with everyone. However, people only get to acknowledge me when they need something, and sometimes I feel like I'm the last choice for that. Hell, I sometimes even feel like a robot following commands. If I am honest, all my school life just feels like a cycle. I wake up, prepare and go to school, receive classes (that's just it), and head back home to sleep and start a new loop. This cycle has gotten me tired lately, and it is hard to try to break it, since I can't make it any more interesting. Unlike other schools, mine doesn't have any clubs, and I can't really talk to any of my classmates, because they have grown up with this picture of me being quiet and unapproachable, and it hurts to be seen that way.

My life at home isn't that good also. I try to finish my homework rapidly, and then try to see what to do with my free time. Most of my free time has been spent learning about math and coding, which I love, so they have been my main time wasters. There's not much I do after that. I have online friends, but I feel severely disconnected from them. About my family, I love them, but I don't think I can talk to them about this, and I have reasons for that. My father is my closest familiar, but he doesn't like me expressing vulnerability, and let's not even mention my mother. She says she loves me, but I have felt that she just gives me what I need to live, and doesn't teach me about how to do stuff myself, like cooking or washing properly. She is a real angry person when (easily) provoked, and uses everything given to her against others, honestly I have felt like a burden to her.

Sometimes the whole idea of feeling lonely brings me to dark places. I start to question if people would miss me if I was gone. I have no intentions to do anything against myself, but I sometimes do wonder. I feel like a ghost in this world. No matter how hard I try to form bonds, these break apart. There aren't many options for me, either. My parents restrict me doing a lot of stuff that is usually advised in these cases. Sometimes it feels that I have no one in this world, that I am unlovable. I have to keep all my hardships within myself because I don't have anyone. And about the idea that forming connections as an adult is harder, brings less hope for me. It is all just so confusing, and so hurtful. You feel that you cannot connect with anyone, and don't know why. I sometimes wonder if I wasn't supposed to be in this world, that I don't fit here. It feels that you are the odd one out, in an ocean of perfectly aligned pieces of a whole jigsaw puzzle. I just stand here and wish I was "normal."

I sincerely don't know, I feel like it would be nice to have someone who can do stuff and talk with me from time to time, and not by obligation. I just hope someday I get to meet someone, and for it to actually work, for a first time in years. Hopefully my life in college will be better if I place effort on it. It would be nice to hear if someone here can relate to these feelings, and if you want to talk about it, I'm all ears. Even though I am an introvert, being alone all of my time sometimes gets to me. Any advice to my situation is welcomed. I hope you have a nice Christmas Eve, I'll try to have one.