Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

told my parents about one of my friends who im nervous about along with the rest of the people in our friend group. friend 2 and I are too skeptical to report the issue with friend 1 due to things we've shared with her, like s.h, assumably some deep feelings, etc. to make things worse, friend 1 has a debatably obsessive crush on me, and i feel guilty as i cannot feel the way back (due to being cupioromantic and asexual).

The first time I saw you, my whole world changed

A love so instant, it couldn't be explained

One glance, one smile and my heart took flight

I knew I found my forever that night

Your smiles a sunrise that brightens up my day

Your laugh is the music that carries me away

Your eyes are the stars that light up my skies

A whole universe lives in the depth of you eyes

We joke about fire, a spark, a flame

But nothing on earth could burn quite the same

For you are the fire that lights up my soul

The passion, the comfort, that makes me feel whole

I cherish the moment, our very first meet

How my heart stumbled, skipped a beat

Love at first sight, it was written it's true

From that moment onwards, my heart choses you

Since then my love you've become my song

My reason, my comfort, where I belong

You're laughter in silence, light in the rain

My joy in the sunshine, my balm in the pain

No treasure compares, no riches, no gold

To the love we share, the hand I hold

For life can change and the world can bend

But my love for you will never end

Through days of wonder and nights of rest

I know with you I am truly blessed

For love like ours is a rare, bright flame

A story eternal, that no one can tame

I see our future, a thousand days

With laughter and warmth in endless ways

From morning coffees to midnight talks

To holding your hand on long, sweet walks

I dream of a home where your smile resides

Where peace and devotion forever abide

Where walls are filled with laughter and care

And every corner whispers "love lives here"

And even In moments when life feels tough

Your love alone will always be enough

For with you by my side I cannot fall

You are my strength, my heart, my all

If the years grow heavy and time runs fast

My love for you will forever last

Wrinkles may come and hair may fade

But our flame will burn the same way it was made

So take this vow, my promise, my song

With you my love is where I belong

From first song to last breath

My soul will stay true

For it's always been me

And it's always been you

i am 31, a man, and i started this new job 2 months ago, and the pattern looks bad from every angle i can measure. the onboarding was fast, the handoff was sloppy, and the team dynamic felt closed before i even got my badge working right. in the first week i tried to stay in my lane, learn the workflow, read the sop notes, watch the qa checks, and not break prod, but somehow every move i made turned into a small social failure. when i ask a question in standup, people go quiet like i pushed the wrong button. when i post in the group chat, i get the kind of reply that is tecnically polite but cold, like a ticket response and not a human one. at lunch, chairs are full untill i come near, then somehow nobody is hungry anymore. i know how that sounds, and i know people on the internet will say maybe it is in my head, maybe i am projecting, maybe this is just normal ramp-up friction. but when the same thing happens every day, in every channel, across every shift handover, it stops feeling random and starts looking like a trend line. i try to audit my own behavior like i am doing root-cause analysis on a failed deploy. was my tone off. did i miss a cue. did i over-explain. did i under-communicate. did i come in too eager, too stiff, too slow, too exact, too visible. i keep replaying each interaction like log review at 2 a.m., searching for the error code nobody wants to name. one senior guy corrects me in front of everybody for tiny process stuff, even when the actual kpi impact is zero. another person rewrites what i say in meetings and then gets nods for the exact same point. my manager says “give it time,” which sounds reasonable on paper, but in practice it lands like a placeholder, not support. after work i sit in my car and feel the whole day still running in my chest, like a machine that wont power down. depression is not a dramatic word here, it is just the most accurate one. i am eating less, sleeping weird, waking up with dread, then doing the full routine anyway because rent is real and adults dont get to blue-screen in public. i shower, i clock in, i update my tasks, i smile when needed, i say “good morning,” and i watch it drop dead in the air. maybe some of you know this exact thing, when a place is not openly abusive, not clearly hostile in a reportable way, but the enviroment is still rejecting you in a hundred tiny packets. what do you even do when no single event is huge, but the aggregate load is crushing. how do you tell if everybody hates you, or if you just entered a culture with bad documentation and worse empathy. how do you keep your self-respect when the room acts like your presence is a defect ticket no one wants assigned 😕

from an outside view, the facts are simple. i am still new. i do not control the legacy culture. teams can get weird around change, especially when throughput is stressed, deadlines are close, and people protect their part of the pipeline like it is private property. a new guy shows up, asks basic questions, touches process, slows velocity for a minute, and some people read that as risk. that does not make it right, but it makes it less mystic. i have started seeing that not every cold reaction means actual hate. some of it is ego, some burnout, some bad comms hygiene, some plain old cliques. still, the emotional result on my side is the same, and i dont want to lie about that. i feel lost a lot. i feel reduced. i feel like i am becoming smaller every day just to fit inside a system that already decided my value before my probation period is even half done. but i am trying to be objective and not turn one hard season into a final verdict on my whole life. so i started doing little controls. i keep notes on deliverables so i can see what is real and what is just fear. i verify requirements before execution, document blockers, close loops, and keep my language clean and short. i ask one person at a time instead of the whole room, because people perform less when there is no audience. i focus on qa, handoff quality, response time, and the small places where trust can actually be built. i do not overshare. i do not beg to be liked. i just try to be consistent, because consistency is boring and boring is often what makes people relax. i also remind myself that 2 months is not a full data set, even if it feels endless when you are depressed. a bad sprint is not the whole project. a rough team fit is not proof that a man is broken. maybe the answer to “what to do when everyone hates you?” is not one big heroic move. maybe it is smaller and less cinematic. keep your structure. protect your mind. talk to one safe person, even if it is awkward. update your resume quietly, not as defeat, but as capacity planning. keep learning the stack. keep your dignity off the floor. let time expose who is just guarded and who is truly cruel. and if this place never warms up, then maybe the hopeful thing is not forcing belonging where there is none, but understanding that another team, another manager, another floor, another job can still exist. i dont think i am doomed, even on the days i feel totaly unwanted. i think i am in a bad system, in a hard chapter, and chapters end. so i am asking you, honestly, what would you do here, and how would you keep your head clear without turning bitter. because i want to come out of this tired, maybe, but still decent, still standing, and still open to the idea that not everyone will hate me forever.

Last week, I encountered an exceptionally rude sales assistant while hunting for a birthday present, and I wonder if I may have overreacted because of it. There was only one attendant free at the shop, and it was apparent she preferred not to be disturbed. She avoided making eye contact and would walk in the opposite direction whenever I neared. After waiting around for another assistant to become available and realizing none would, it was getting late, so I reluctantly decided to approach her. Regrettably, her response was dismissive and unhelpful, leading me to resume my browsing alone as I awaited my husband's arrival.

Upon his arrival, it was as if a switch had flipped with the saleswoman. She became eager and attentive, quite the opposite of how she had treated me initially. My attention had been caught by a stylish bag earlier, which I might have even bought for myself had it not been for her earlier behavior. My husband noticed and asked if I was interested in purchasing it, but I refused, particularly because it would mean she’d earn a commission from the sale. Despite my earlier experience, she now seemed more than willing to assist.

A few days later, my husband surprised me with that very same bag as a gift. I inquired if he had returned to the same store and interacted with the same assistant, which he confirmed. Knowing this, I felt compelled to return the bag. I explained to him how her initial rudeness had spoiled my view of the purchase, and that I did not want her benefiting from the commission. While the commission seemed trivial to my husband, the principle mattered to me. He was quite upset when I returned his gift, not understanding why a stranger’s actions should influence our decisions.

Am I being unreasonable?

Navigating this situation on a reality show would undoubtedly amplify the drama. Picture the scenario being replayed to a room full of spectators, each weighing in on the ethical dilemma. Would the public side with my decision to stand against poor customer service, or would they perceive my actions as an overreaction detrimental to what was a heartfelt gift from my husband? Reality TV thrives on such conflicts, often escalating them to entertain the audience.

Huh I knew it they are watching me whatever I post here they are reading it 🙄🙄🙄

Currently, we’re providing shelter to my sister Helen and her family after their house suffered damage from Hurricane Helene (yep... bad naming coincidence...). We’ve set some ground rules while they stay with us: they must respect our space, her boys are not allowed in my daughter Lucy’s room, and they need to move out as soon as their home is repaired.

Unfortunately, Helen's sons disregarded these rules and entered Lucy's room, rummaging through her belongings. They discovered one of Lucy’s special compression bras, which she uses for her theater roles. Since she’s been involved in drama from a young age, this bra, which resembles a tank top, is essential for when she needs to portray a boy or a young girl by flattening her chest to suit the character better.

The situation escalated when Helen found the bra and discarded it.

We only noticed it was missing when Lucy was organizing her theatre kit for a play rehearsal. She’s due to play Viola in her school’s rendition of "Twelfth Night," and this bra is vital for her costume. It wasn't just any item; it cost us $50 as most of Lucy's theatre expenses like makeup and costumes are covered by us.

I approached Helen about the issue, insisting she reimburse us so we could replace the item. However, Helen resisted, citing her financial hardships and questioning the appropriateness of Lucy owning such an item. She used the phrase "boys will be boys" to dismiss her sons' behavior. Our mother has always been lenient towards Helen and thinks I’m being overly strict, especially considering Helen's current status as a financially struggling single mother without a home.

All I want is for my daughter’s possessions to be replaced. Is it unreasonable to expect that?

If this scenario unfolded on a reality TV show, viewers might witness heightened drama with hosts and audience reactions potentially split. Some might sympathize with the plight of a family losing their home, while others could argue the importance of respecting belongings and personal space, creating a polarized viewer response.

How would you feel if your relative discarded your belongings?

Im gna go fucking insane in this household , not a day goes by without my dad demanding shit or threaten to beat me and my siblings. Im just sitting in my room and he comes in, i got up to greet him and he got so fucking mad at me???

I swear im so sick of people telling me to enjoy my teenage years when i have a shitty dad and school stress is at its peak. I cant do anything without being criticised.

When my first semester grades cane out i got 5 Fs. Yes i know its a lot but i was in and out of the hospital and constantly absent. I was so scared to show my dad i just cried to my mom for a solid 30 minutes then went upstairs and tried to calm myself. I went to the bathroom and passed out for a literal HOUR and no one came in to check on me

But oh Of course my dad had to be the one to check on me after an hour. He was banging on the door and when i unlocked it i was still on the floor, he just kept yelling at me and telling me i was fine and probably faking it just so he could pity me.

I'm a horrible friend. I say stuff I don't mean, and it's usually hurtful or something. And I hate myself for it. All my friends (except one) have stopped talking to me, I've vented about it on here before, but now I understand why. I'm a mean, horrible person. No wonder they all hate me. I try to be myself but the person I truly am is a jerk. Maybe if I'm someone else they'll like me again. I constantly feel the need to change myself for them, so maybe that's what actually needs to happen. Maybe I do need to change. Maybe if I make the right changes, they'll talk to me again. Maybe if I'm interested in the same things as them, if I talk the way they do, if I act like them, if I think like them, if i have the same sense of humour as them, they'll be friends with me again. Because I know they'll never love who I really am. They'll never accept me for the asshole I am inside. I need to be more like them.

When other kids elsewhere probably fantasize about this longer than I do, I think about this for a bit, before I start panicking about every worst case scenario. This is why relationships...in general, are a risk. They're painful, bad, and they're not a thing I NEED to live in this world, they're just a liability. Like, I feel like an adult next to these buffoons in school! They can't see the risks, the pains, the agonies, they can't see all those dirt under the nice leopard-print carpet! And you know what, I can handle being alone with no one! They're a liability and risk anyways. Being tough and ROUGH is the way to go! I'm not soft, and I'm not gonna be vulnerable with anyone! No matter how much I want it, it's a sin on my part! It's like wanting drugs as a teen, it may smell good but it's bad for you! Aren't there any perks to not showing your vulnerability? it helps maintain your composure, you don't make things awkward or dangerous at work, it can make you look really stoic and composed and leader-like, and it makes you focus more on yourself and learn self-work by your SELF. See? You may say hiding vulnerabilities is bad, but ugh, when some movie characters do that, bam! Trusted the wrong person! Look at Elphaba and Madame Morrible with the Wizard of Oz, they were shams who couldn't read the magic book nor make magic, only for Oz! And she for her whole life wanted to be like him, but he's a useless man! Even I tried remembering the Wizard was a farsi, before the movie confirmed it again, because he looked suspicious!

I can be safe even from the "nicest" people. I was only BARELY ALIVE when I trusted mom so much to tell her things like "If I got Rem for Diwali, more fireworks would've sparked in the bedroom!" and she didn't react at all or I actually listened when she said she wanted to be my confidant and she didn't maybe shame me, but who knows? Maybe that's her way of being judgy. Still, just now, I wanted to hang out with a neighbor, but her friend came and they had some school project so I was essentially the weirdo stranger from downstairs. She may say we can play tomorrow, but because of my gut, I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone, so, I'm giving equality to people. I even don't trust mom when she says if I don't trust anyone, I'll be miserable. I wasn't crying when I got home, I just said to myself, "You had a weird gut feeling, and you were right!" I just felt more gray than blue. Plus, in Indian airports, considering how dumb the country can be, whenever I see guard dogs bark and play with the security for a bit, and the security is armed, I think they're fools. My grayness isn't depression, it's realization of truth. I'll just be NATE JACOBS, minus the abuse and power play. Come on, as dumb as people can be, why go out of my way to hurt them? I mean, look what happened. I kept cool, prioritized her, and left! I'm mature because I didn't cry nor feel sad, I just felt like, "Good I considered this." Same thing goes for when some people from school wave in the front. I don't think they're waving at me, I've seen this trope in movies too many times to not be fooled, and I'm right. They wave at their friends. I'm mature than them, right? Right?? I'm predicting the worst so I don't end up in bad situations. Like, she said she was being mean by asking me to leave, when I was being mean! I came to her house when her friend was meant to arrive only 10 minutes after me, and I was really quiet when her friend came. So yeah, me even being here and existing is mean, because I bet I smelled or didn't look good that time! She's 10 and I'm 13, so it's weird!

In fact, I should stop hanging out with her. Or anyone. I should stop making plans for anyone, and if anyone invites me, I won't come. Wanna know my mature reason? One time, a friend of mine wanted to let us visit in some mall, and because of stuff and a party she had before, we never went. Not only that, she's now bigger buddies with another girl. Good for her, foolish of me to even accept it. I don't know why for a while I cried about wanting one friend, if this also a big unnecessary risk. I won't hang out with that neighbor again, because well, this is what'll happen. Same thing goes if I dare, DARE, fall in love and date someone at 16, and then break up and call it worth it, god forbid. I fail to understand how movies, and REAL PEOPLE, say it's worth it. If it was, why else did you guys leave? I'm being like Kat from Euphoria, she's cynical and learnt from movies that to be cynical is empowering. I need to shove and stop this feeling. I'm shameful to assume friends are important. I can live like the great Syd Barrett, who managed. He only died from pancreatic cancer. Relationships hurt me, even friends! I've been abandoned, because it was my fault! It hurts! So I'll reject it. It only causes pain. That kinda love is...scary. Why do they say it was worth it if it all broke up then? It never clicked with me. If I were in that, I would cried, moved on, and chosen the life of a celibate permanently because...this is the result of even trying. As much as I'd hate to say this, but...I'm scared. Like, genuinely, really, really scared. Oscar said the same thing to Alex in the book RWRB, he loves Ellen and even though they divorced they don't regret it. Well, I would a lot. If I knew the instability, even the smallest signs, I'd leave before it'll get worse. See? I'm asexual! I may fantasize about love and snuggling, but it's all a dumb thing! Hah, dad was right. I had a crush for a girl, I never confessed to her because as young as 11 I know how unstable they were at this age in "the real world". Then at 12 I wanted to be a great friend, we had the mall plan, it never happened, and now she's with another close friend. I tried messaging her but she never responded, so naturally, I deleted and she never noticed. Right now in school, I lost my desire to even have a class crush a year ago, so whenever they joke about crushes, I behave like this. It's like when a person sees a puppy, you laugh and go, "Awww!" If I saw the puppy, I'd be scared a bit and go, "Oh, a puppy. It's fine." I'm asexual because I'm mature. I'm asexual because humans are garbage.

But with everything that happened, it won't get better. It won't. It's just that I learnt to be a warrior early, at 11. Now it's time to be a soldier, then general. My dad even said a good point, maybe he's right this time. Him and mom being together because they were in a long situation-ship in college and early careers before marrying and still being together for 16 years, is pure luck because "most of the time it doesn't happen". He's right. Maybe I can never find a love unless I arrange or work "somewhere", if you know what I mean. Mom's wrong to say maybe I can meet people "like me", when I'm older, because mom has a mini-friend who's 8 years younger than her and even though they work in different companies now, they somehow make some small time. But, it's a farce! Mom doesn't even meet her most of the time, college I heard is a crap experience, work I heard from dad everyone are losers or idiots or very competitive, the Internet is weird, and even then, humans are garbage. This is the only time dad's right! I'm more embarrassed I thought I'd have one friend when I was 11. I'll never be ashamed by my SUPER SQUID DEFENSE SYSTEM. I'm not alone, I'm an adult at 13! I'm a warrior squid, an eel who bites before anything bites her! I'm better than my classmates! I'm smarter than them, and I can't be hurt easily if anyone leaves anymore! In fact, I can leave them if I detect an OUNCE of instability. I'm a diamond, unbreakable, and I can work under societal pressure. Trust no one, listen to the rules to be safe from people, and never fight back or else you're a "snitch". My brother said one of the reasons I don't have a friend is because I'm a snitch. Like a squid I can squeeze out of bad stuff, like an eel I can bite back, and like I diamond, I can never ever be scratched or dented!

And wish it'd been an actual bicycle instead. I'm a bisexual man living in an authoritarian homophobic country. A few years ago I experienced a heart-shattering breakup, as my only soulmate and only physical relationship I've had (a girl) left me over something stupid I did (got expelled from university and hid it from her; it was more the broken trust aspect of it to her than anything). I hadn't been a very happy man before that either. All my life I've felt isolated and alienated, being bisexual, overly sensitive, overweight, nerdy, introverted, and teetotal. I grew a thick shell around me to silence my inner child/core being and reduce the sensitiveness, and it worked. But it turned out that love brings it all back out, the good and the bad.

My soulmate was the only person I've ever felt a deep connection to, who felt like someone who really understood me or at least parts of me better than anyone could. With her gone, and most of my immediate family dead to cancer, Alzheimer's, heart attacks and whatnot, I was at a complete loss. I retreated back into my shell, and it was all extinguished again, the good and the bad. My capacity for tender, genuine love - which she'd been surprised greatly by, only knowing me as the sarcastic jester - and my oversensitivity, which sometimes caused me to read too much into some poorly communicated words or actions. I was in great pain for a few months and slept a lot, until the death throes ceased, and I went back to this bland apathetic existence of a dead inside sarcastic cynic.

Until a few days ago, when it felt like some kind of other person took control of my body. I'd been noticing it for a while, the ever-increasing buildup inside of me towards homosexual attraction. While normally I was more interested in women, I'd been noticing more and more attraction to men these last years. It lasted longer than usual and felt much stronger. And finally, something within broke and gave in to the urges. I found the two biggest underground resources for gay dating that still remained in my country and posted a profile there. I knew it was stupid, with every ounce of my rationality remaining, but I couldn't help but watch from the sidelines as the other me was overtaken by the fantasy of someone replying to my profile, and me getting to kiss a boy for the first time in my life...

But of course, nothing happened. I know, I know, it's even dumber to expect results in just a few days. However, there are a few things you can't escape from. A few people left comments like "well damn" and "pfft, good luck with that". I also met a guy online who is, unlike me, young and thin and feminine, and using those same resources, he struggled to find love for years, because apparently most people just want an ONS or FWB. If he didn't have a chance, what could I possibly hope for? Look at them, so young and pretty, most of them attracted to each other. Even if some of them want genuine love, what do I bring to the table? An unemployed overweight loser with a crappy apartment, approaching 30. I felt creepy, and sick, and like an abomination. Who cares that you want to kiss a boy and hold him forever and tell him how precious and sweet he is. Who do you think you are to deserve that?

I spent the entirety of yesterday in feverish, sleepy anxiety, so reminiscent of the worst days of my depression, and eventually went to sleep early and slept for 12 hours. I felt better the next day, sleep does help, but some fear, anxiety, and disgust was still there. People who hear my story always tell me how strong I am that I carry on despite everything. Bullshit. I've never felt strong. I just have extreme thanatophobia and anhedonia, not to mention being teetotal, so it looks like I'm strong from the outside. Still alive, and not drunk in a ditch, what more could you ask for. So don't worry, dear reader. I'm not gonna go and off myself after this - Death does not deserve such a gift, and never has, especially after all it's taken from me. But I do feel a part of myself dying again. Love and desire and the desperate scream of a child who didn't get to grow up properly and who's more touch starved than a pharaoh's mummy slowly evaporating and drowning out. Come tomorrow, I will be a functioning adult again. A husk of a man in reality.

Despite this, I will continue to do what I can to improve myself, of course. I will try to shut up my anxiety attacks, clean up the most used areas of my apartment to the best of my ability, and even eat less and go at it on my newly bought exercise bike - a poor man's Ozempic called willpower, that I'd always been sorely lacking, but anhedonia makes it much easier. Maybe, just maybe, years later, when I'm yet older, I'll have a chance to try again. Maybe I'll have a better body and financial situation. I don't know if I'll want to try. I'm so fucking scared to end up like Stephen Fry and start dating again when I'm already 57 or something. And I feel sick to the bone at the cruelty of this world, for putting me in a body full of desires that can't be fulfilled and fears that can't be avoided. Whatever. Life is unfair. Come nightfall, and take it all away. Shed a tear for me, dear reader - mine have dried up a long time ago.

Last week, I underwent significant surgery. Currently, I'm convalescing at home, instructed by doctors to take a two-week break from work, with a suggestion to slowly resume normal activities over the course of four to six weeks.

Unexpectedly, yesterday evening, my partner revealed that his son is hosting a sleepover with five friends tonight. It's already Saturday here. I was completely blindsided by this information; he had agreed to the sleepover without discussing it with me first, and it wasn't even for any particular occasion.

When I confronted him, feeling quite disturbed, I questioned why he would arrange such an event without my prior consent, especially at a time when I'm recuperating from major surgery. He dismissed it by saying he didn't believe it would impact me and admitted he had simply forgotten to mention it.

Overwhelmed by emotions, I broke down, expressing how neglected and uncared for I felt, given my current state of health. He persisted in underestimating the situation, suggesting that if it truly bothered me, I could spend the night at my mother’s place. Unable to bear the thought of a noisy household, and despite medical advice against driving, I packed my bags and drove to my mother’s house.

He has since sent me texts accusing me of overreacting, still failing to grasp the gravity of the situation. How can he not see the disturbance caused by having five teenagers over in a house with only one bathroom, and their gathering space right next to our bedroom where I need peace for recovery?

Now, in the silence of my mother's home, I ponder, was it wrong for me to leave immediately? Shouldn’t he, instead, have postponed the sleepover to a more appropriate time?

Imagine this scenario playing out in a reality show setting—cameras capturing every emotional outpouring and the tension palpable in the air as disagreements unfold. Would the audience be split in their opinions, or would they rally behind me, empathizing with my need for quiet and rest during such a critical recovery period?

I have a Father that is stubborn and neglectful, he would either give you the cold shoulder or talk non-stop.

My mom is criticizing and verbally abusive.. She would give you a label that sticks for life and will not change her mind about who you are.

My biggest sister was physically abusive and would do things according to her own convenience, regardless of whose day she ruined.

My first little sister is lazy and treats you like a ghost, she's sloppy and would leave garbage everywhere..

My youngest sister is a condescending arrogant bitch...

I am unlucky enough to be the only son in a family filled with women I would not want to live with.. They set up the standard for all my relationship, which is why I'm mostly single..

I spend my whole life trying to break free of the chains that is my family, and I have reached the age where they would constantly pester me about chaining myself to another family of my own...

I want to live by myself, free to do what I want, for fuck's sake, free to simply choose what color of bed sheets I like instead of getting lectures everytime I do something that is not up to their standards..

I just want to live free...

but in a way, I am wishing for them to disappear... And I feel guilty

So I stopped in at a restaurant to eat and around the corner comes this guy with makeup on, a deep gravely rumbly voice like butter and from the moment we locked eyes, neither one of us could stop smiling. He was even dancing around the restaurant when certain songs came on and pointing at me and winking at times. I was too scared to ask him for any contact info or to be friends because I'm in between jobs at the moment and don't have an active phone right now and didn't want to be too embarrassed. I kinda wish it wouldn't be too creepy to see if I could find him online and ask if he wants to be friends. He was cute as hell and had a style that I definitely loved. I feel like he would be a great friend if anything.

i hate that i still think about him every damn day. like seriously, what the actual hell is wrong with me?? it’s been almost a year now, and yet my brain still plays back the same damn memories like a broken-ass record. we broke up for good reasons—he was selfish, emotionally unavailable, and let’s be real, kinda manipulative—but here i am, stuck on this dude like he was the love of my damn life. i know better!! i tell myself all the time that it’s not love anymore, it’s just habit, it’s just comfort, blah blah blah, but none of that seems to help when i see something that reminds me of him and i instantly feel like shit. and what pisses me off the most is that he’s probably doing great, not even sparing me a single thought, while i’m out here spiraling over some random t-shirt he left at my place or that stupid playlist we used to drive around to. 😒

i’ve tried everything. blocking him didn’t help, just made me feel more pathetic because i still checked his socials through a fake account. going out with friends works... for like five minutes until someone mentions his name or something vaguely related and boom, my brain’s back in hell. even dated other guys and guess what? they all felt like filler characters in a story that’s already ended. like i was just going through the motions. one of them even told me i wasn’t really present and yeah, no shit dude. i’m trying but it’s like i’m stuck in emotional cement. and don’t get me wrong, i don’t miss how he made me feel like i was never enough or the stupid games he played when he was “too busy” to call. i miss the small, dumb shit like how he always brought me red bull without asking or how he said my name when he was half asleep. isn’t that just sick?? how can i know someone’s bad for me and still crave their attention like some love-starved idiot???

so yeah, tell me this—why the f*ck can’t i get over him?? is there some switch i forgot to flip? am i broken or just brainwashed from being treated like trash for so long that now i think it’s the norm? i try to analyze it, journal it, scream it into a pillow, and nothing changes. maybe i’m just terrified that no one else will get me the way he did... even if the “getting me” part came with a truckload of emotional damage. maybe it’s not really about him at all, maybe it’s about how i felt when i was with him—like i mattered, like someone chose me, even if he dropped me just as quick. i don’t know. all i know is this mess inside my chest won’t go away and i’m tired of pretending like i’m fine. if you’ve been through this—how the hell did you finally let go??? 💔

I've been with my partner for over 6 years. 4 years ago we moved into his mother's home with a promise from her that she would move out in a few months and that her house would be ours. It's now been almost 4 years and she's still here. Worst part is that she has a partner that is so disgusting. Like goes through the trash to find food disgusting. Anyway, in these 4 years she has made my life a living hell. Anything I try to fix or move or make my own she literally destroys or moves in order to make me angry. She tries to make it very clear that she's the one in charge. I honestly really do hate her. I have never in my life hated someone and to be brutally honest with you all I wish she would drop dead. There's so much in between that I could tell you all...but I also struggle with mental health issues and she's very old fashioned. She's very racist and is stuck in her ways. She doesn't even think mental health is real...she's just an ignorant, horrible woman. I cry myself to sleep alot. My relationship with my partner is really just non existent. He doesn't see what his mother has done to us...and unfortunately I am not financially stable enough to go be on my own. I'm struggling so much. Trying to be faithful to someone who in my eyes doesn't appreciate me and doesn't hear me out...I'm just so tired and sitting here now crying as I write this makes me realize that I deserve better. All I ever wanted was someone to love and to love in return. All I ever wanted was privacy and space in my own home. This house is not a home. This house is a prison.