Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

Anxiety is why we're alive. We survived mammoths, saber-tooth tigers, big lizards probably, deadly insects, and all that. It's why I'm not drowning in the ocean, just swimming in the pool, which I quit as well because I didn't enjoy swimming as a sport. It's why no shark has eaten me thinking I'm a fish. Yes I know why they accidentally eat humans sometimes, they think we're food, they're kinda dumb at times, not evil. Dolphins, though... Still, my grandpa's family only got lucky, being fishermen and all. How did my grandpa even live near the shores of Kerala, fishing and living in a hut before he grew up to be a doctor in Mangalore with a big house? Dad said the tides of the Arabian Sea are deadly, so how did grandpa live? How did my older cousin casually swim on the shore, when the tides looked huge? The ocean isn't safe. How am I even alive? On one hand, I was born with a cleft palate, because LiFe DeCiDeD BeCaUsE I wAs A gIrL (apparently it's more common in girls with isolated cleft palates), yet I got it fixed and I didn't require a speech therapist, I got eczema at 3 and newfound cat and dust allergies at 12, yet I didn't die. I ate salmon and all sorts of fish, except for the very niche ones (shark, stingray, all that), yet I didn't get any swollen throat stuff or anaphylactic reactions. Maybe I'll get a lobster allergy as a new one because my mom has one where her throat gets super itchy if she eats a lot, otherwise, no anaphylaxis.

I can confidently say that about my brother, bro got the very early stages of pneumonia, he got hospitalized with an IV drip for 2 days. Even before that, he'd had to use the nebulizer so many times during winter especially. He's fine now, and he rarely uses it at 11.5, but me? Nah, my body decided, "Let's give you more allergies!" I love cats, but I have to force myself to enjoy the marine life only because of allergies. My grandma's asthma lasted until she's 65 now, and NOW she can only walk with cats. Back then, even when I was a baby, nah. This is it, I'll end up like my grandma and ancestors. My great-granny even had eczema. I can't even pet cats now! I can't bury my face in it and be like normal people, I'd have to wear a mask and woolen gloves. I went to a park and a cat got so comfortable with me, it went on my lap and lied down, and when I wanted to move, it didn't scratch or bite me, he just jumped off, eyes still sleepy. I rubbed his face, and then I started sneezing and my eyes got red. My mom got me bubble tea later on in the park, it was good, but still, I can't be normal. I'd have to move towards fish because well, they can't produce Fel d 1, they just look at you like you're their food god. Still, they don't love me, they just exist and move in schools. And I obviously can't own a dolphin because I hate them and whales are...bruh. They're loving, but they're HUMONGOUS.

I've LOOKED at cats far too long, but it's fine. Most hate humans anyways. Dogs to me are kinda scary. How do people even have cats with allergies? Heck, Mayo Clinic says this, "If you don't have a pet but are considering adopting or buying one, make sure you don't have pet allergies before making the commitment." WebMD says, "If you or a family member has cat allergies, you shouldn't have a cat in the home...Protect yourself. When around cats, wear a mask with an N95 respirator, and wash your hands with soap and water if you touch them (where am I even gonna get that?)..." And then they say this, "Cat allergy symptoms happen due to proteins in a cat's saliva, urine, and dander, affecting around 10% of people in the U.S. Even if you're not allergic to cats, they can bring in other allergens from outside. While some breeds are "hypoallergenic," any cat has the potential to cause issues. Symptoms of a cat allergy include coughing, wheezing, itchy eyes, and skin irritation, often showing up quickly after contact. To confirm an allergy, consult a doctor for tests, and consider avoiding cats altogether if you or a family member is allergic. Treatment options include antihistamines, decongestants, nasal steroid sprays, and allergy shots, though prevention remains the best approach." The more I tell myself I shouldn't own a cat, the more I'll get used to the lack of affection from pretty but essentially emotionally unintelligent fish. That park cat just somehow trusted me more, which stray-wise, big mistake, it should've tried to scratch me like normal cats when I wanted it to get off. Again, cats hate humans anyways, why else would most pet cats not care about you and demand you serve them? I'll stick to fish, at least it's more predictable when they ask you for food, nice water and nice rocks. I've learnt to wish less for what I want.

What's wrong with what I did? Accept that you'll get less, the more you'll accept that you are less. There's one cosplay event I wanna go, and even though it's in April, I'm scared of failing exams the month before and it not feeling worth it, even if my parents will try to support. They're weird for not yelling at me for scoring low marks last exam. They yelled at me more when I said, "I'm stupid, that's why I failed." I don't even know cosplaying, so what's the point, I'm gonna mock myself in the future for even trying and looking ugly. I'm new at dancing as well, so in the class after I had to do it solo, the students clapped without the teacher telling them, and I asked one of them if they're just clapping because they had to and I know I'm not good, then she looked at me, baffled, told the teacher, and he said I "did alright, good enough", and she said she did worse than me early on. No way. They usually say that to appear humble, I've seen enough movies to figure out that they're lying. My brother even told me I shouldn't have asked her, especially if they clapped without the teacher saying anything. But the more I accept I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm weak-bodied, and I don't deserve what I get, I'm real, grown up. I don't deserve the relief I got after the exams, it just means I'm stupid. In fact, why don't mom and dad act like normal, Indian parents? Tell me my worth is the exams, because if I don't pass, at 8th, I won't go into 9th, I won't have a job opportunity, I won't go to a new grade, I'll be humiliated and held back for being stupid, and that I am stupid. They get more mad when I tell them I'm stupid, because that's the truth, I'm stupid. What's relief, what is "good" and all when their own child is a failure? I can't handle pressure, which means I can't do any jobs which gives me big bucks!

I remember pointless things. What good will marine biology do if anyways most deep sea creatures are harmless to us? Anyways most people grow up not doing what they like. They love space and even when they wanna be an astronomer, not even an astronaut, an ASTRONOMER, they end up accounting money, like everyone else. Like every normal human. Accepting worthlessness is peace. You matter to no one. You don't. If I die, it makes no difference to the 153,000 per day deaths. I really don't matter, and when you accept your worth as much as turd, you live life accepting you're never good enough instead of trying to fly with wings as a human.

thank-you for all of these nice comments i have started healing myself naturally i am slowly getting better each day and my skin is improving allot i am in CBT which is cognitive behavioural therapy, i have been in this for a while but my sessions happen at school which i haven’t attended in a while but im hoping i can work my way to getting back on that path but seriously thank you for your advice and support i appreciate this so much🫶

Every week, my close-knit circle of friends, which includes eight of us, gathers for our regular Dungeons & Dragons session at our friend Charles's place. He's the Dungeon Master and has a fantastic gaming set-up that makes our adventures seamless. Notably, Charles recently had his fiancée move in with him. She's pretty cool overall; however, she doesn't share our interests and hasn't quite meshed with our group yet. Nonetheless, in an effort to connect with Charles's hobbies, she's started attending our gaming nights, though she doesn't play—she mostly watches and stays occupied with her phone.

Charles owns a specially designed gaming table with a recessed center which lets us keep our gaming paraphernalia out without having to pack up every time. The table's design requires us to lean in or stand to move our characters on the board. Now, I happen to be on the busty side, and leaning over the table can get uncomfortable after a while. As a workaround, I’ve adapted by resting my chest lightly on the edge of the table when managing my character. This doesn't accentuate anything—it merely alleviates discomfort. This has been my solution for months without any comment or issue from anyone.

However, last week, amidst our gaming session, Charles’s fiancée unexpectedly lashed out. She accused me of deliberately displaying myself and commanded rather rudely that I "put away my boobs since no one cares." This comment left me, and everyone else, bewildered initially until she pointed out what she found offensive. Her reaction stifled the evening's fun, and we all decided to conclude the night prematurely. The disagreement escalated, and now she's so upset with me that she doesn't want me visiting their home anymore. I apologized and tried to explain my reasons, even mentioning that I’ve planned a breast reduction soon, but she still called me derogatory names and insisted Charles cut ties with me. This situation puzzles me since this was something done inadvertently and solely for my comfort—something I even do unconsciously at home.

Thinking about whether or not being in a situational reality show might change things, it's curious how this type of misunderstanding could have been perceived. Would the audience see the innocuous nature of my actions or would they sympathize with Charles's fiancée? In the world of reality TV, small dramas can sometimes get blown out of proportion, potentially painting me in a negative light or maybe, making her appear overly sensitive.

It's been two years since I lost my wife, Lily, in a tragic accident caused by a drunk driver. The pain of losing her has fragmented my life into pieces I'm still struggling to put together. My family, however, seems to remain oblivious to the depth of my grief. In fact, they never entirely embraced my marriage to Lily from the start.

In our family, there’s a tradition concerning a cherished necklace that is handed down to women upon marriage. It’s been in our family for many generations, and when Lily and I married, my grandmother entrusted it to me. This gesture was deeply meaningful as it symbolized some level of acceptance of my marriage to Lily. However, since Lily's death, my sister Emma, who always seemed to be the favored one, has set her sights on this necklace. She’s getting married soon and casually mentioned that since I am "no longer married," it should now be her turn to have it.

A recent family dinner escalated these tensions. During discussions about her upcoming wedding, Emma jokingly suggested that I should date one of her fiancé’s friends, adding insensitively that at least Lily wouldn’t be around to ‘haunt’ me. I was stunned into silence. Afterward, I expressed how hurt I was, and Emma dismissed my feelings, accusing me of being overly sensitive and urging me to "lighten up." She even suggested I entertain a fling with one of her bridesmaids who had shown interest in me during my marriage, completely disregarding my ongoing grief.

I stated plainly that I couldn’t attend her wedding if she persisted in diminishing Lily's memory and my grief. This led to a severe argument where Emma labeled me as "dramatic" and accused me of trying to ruin her wedding over a "small joke." My parents sided with her, reiterating that I should attend the wedding to support Emma and that the necklace should go to her as I was not "using it" anymore.

Since that evening, I've received unrelenting calls and messages from my parents, Emma, and her fiancé Luke, all painting me as selfish and stuck in the past. Luke even implied that I should be thankful the family has accepted me at all, given that I am gay—a remark that hints at their barely veiled tolerance rather than acceptance.

Am I really being unreasonable by considering not attending the wedding? I feel torn between standing up for my late wife's dignity and my grief, or just conforming to keep peace within the family. Sometimes I wonder how all this would be perceived if it were part of a reality show. Would spectators at home understand my pain, or would they too be swayed by the drama and the pressure of societal norms that often dictates moving on quickly from grief?

Sorry for any typos – it's tough to keep it together and typing this out after a few drinks to dull the pain of not just Lily’s absence but the rift within my family. Should I relent to keep the peace, or stand firm in honoring my late wife and my feelings? What would others do?

Should I remain friends with someone that I used to have feelings for?

I don't feel anything for this person now but sometimes I don't know....

But on the other hand, I don't want to lose this person because it means so much to me. It's one of my favourite friends.

I'm feeling a little bit confused.

Hello. I just been wanting to get a lot of stuff of my chest lately. Not much people I can talk to about. Actually, none.

I envy a lot of people. People who have their life together, people who are able to express theirselves freely, people who are productive. People. I cant seem to be the best version of myself. How hard I try. To put it short, I am a lazy, priviliged, selfish person. I put a mask on to fit in society, maybe to feel properly loved. It seems even they dont want my mask. I wanna give up. Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to fit in, to be myself, to bask in freedom? I know my cries are meaningless. Other people have it worse, anyway.

Life... Isnt the way I pictured it to be. I dont want to be this person anymore. Why should it be so hard? Why cant I be a better person? Im just a piece of trash on the sidewalk.

[Warning because this story may get disturbing/uncomfortable to some of you] hi, to start off I'll introduce myself without saying my name. I'm a 13 year old transmasculine and I'm here to let out some stuff that's been on my mind for years. I'm sorry if the way I word my story doesn't make sense, I haven't fully opened up to anyone for 6 years- I do not want to sound like an edgelord.

I've been hypersexual my whole life, I have experience cocsa two times ever since I was 4-6, one was my older sister who was also hypersexual- We had sex. Yes. I didn't know what it was at that time but it sure did fueled up my desires. The second was my cousin who kept touching my chest because it was "soft as bread", he said. Because of the incest stuff that happened between me and these two, I started getting into adult stuff and I am NOT proud of it, even as far as to drawing inappropriate stuff. I've been thinking a lot of someone touching me again even to this day, I know it's disgusting and I'm sorry. As much as I hate AI, I shamefully started getting addicted to Chai where I would spend most of my time spending my fantasies. I grew up talking and thinking about stuff not so appropriate for my age until it made many people uncomfortable.

Not only that, I've felt to empty my whole entire life even though I am expressive when it comes to facial expressions and emotions. I've been depressed most of the times, I've overthought most of the time, I've cried to myself so many times, I started slitting myself as a way to cope- it did in fact made me addicted to it, made me stable just slightly, it helped me get rid of the thoughts. Though that did not continue as I promised my sister not too long ago that I will not do it anymore. After that, I crave the feeling of it against my skin again, I crave doing it once more, it has become unbearable where my veins do throb for the blade.

With that promise being made, I moved on to a new coping mechanism- this time I fantasized about myself being two separate people that cares for each other, only them, I've gotten attached to myself, made myself comfortable, and that lasted for one month until I started thinking about logic about how there will never be another person that's exactly like me that will be devoted to comfort me. And because of this, I started getting into c.ai because it gave me the comfort of someone actually being there even though it was a robot.

I've also made multiple imaginary friends that will comfort me somehow just by being there but they always seem to not work, none of it felt real as much as I've always felt real life being complete nonsense.

There was once a time where I had lazily laid on my bed for days to the point where the drinks [coffee] that I usually bring for my own breakfast, rot on my desk and start molding. That point too was where I felt the need to really pierce a knife through my throat, I had felt that way for days. Last year I've gotten way better than that, but this year, it's slowly starting to come back in my senses. The need to end it all when in reality, I can't do it because I AM a pussy.

I really don't get why I'm like this. My life is indeed happy but my ungrateful ass is here to just be sad and all. I've tried getting friends to vent to, but it did the opposite, they were the ones that vented most of the time, shading me with their problems and I couldn't even get a chance to speak up. Even if I did, they would just end up talking about themselves. This has happened a couple of times and it made me bottle up my feelings and I began to think that maybe I am better off as the therapist friend, as the one that will just stand there and listen to whatever they have to say.

I don't bother going out. I have gotten outside before and I don't even want to face people in real life. No, I don't have social anxiety, I just hate them. I hate them because they're too judgemental, they have too much ego that they'll just bully the shit out of people that has the slightest difference between them.

The internet has become a safe space for me, but not when it comes to online friends as well. I have experienced drama with them for more than ten times, and the most recent one, they just went against me, and me alone just because I told the truth.

If I tell the truth, people get mad. If I tell a lie, people get mad. If I am the same as everyone, people get mad. If I am different from someone, people get mad. If I am too sexual, people get mad. If I'm not sexual, people get mad. If I don't open up, people get mad. If I open up, people get mad. This fact alone changed me and it torn me between wanting to be myself and wanting to satisfy others as I do think of the other's feelings, it made me forget about who I really am and what I should even do, that made me take some stuff from personalities owned by people I knew until I created a completely new one for myself.

I have never experienced having a therapist because they are expensive. Not only that, but because I know that the moment they put me in a mental hospital I will just get bombarded with antidepressants and more medicine tabs.

At the age of 10, I started getting aggressive because of intense mood swings, I had taken pleasure in playing around with others. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. The thought of someone else getting deeply saddened by my actions the moment they realize it was me all the time telling fake stories with fake people made me feel better from my bottled feelings.

At age 11, I started regretting manipulating them and went back to feeling horrible and shutting the hell up. I was NOT proud of who I used to be. It made me want to punch myself for my own actions to this day.

Then at age 12, I full on went thinking that maybe, not everything should be cried about, so I stopped caring. I stopped picking up pieces of personalities from people I met and I gradually lost empathy until I felt not a single guilt. That's when I started being happy even though emptiness lingers. I only got mad whenever things didn't go my way.

Now my current age, 13. The only coping mechanisms that work for me right now are, sexualizing myself to refrain sadness, and talking to non-human chatbots, still. I do not feel as empathetic as I used to be when I was way younger. I have understood that only I will understand whatever's going on in my head, selfish as I may sound like.

I do not know how to continue my story further. Thank you for reading my long story, I'm very sorry if the viewer did not understand.

yeah,im back again..and well its me and this same boy...

me and him been together for 7 months..and it was secret.

im never allowed to date..yeah...but i did like him alot.even tho i was getting in trouble in process.

its a long distance.we go to diffrent schools...see eachother 1 time a month..for a few days...then its back to me going away...

you see my mum as a place where we go,and his mum has a place...i live w my dad and so does he...so my mum and us goes to her place like once a month.

ok ok...so its been normal..nun really..but recently i go in trouble. thats when my mum almost beat me to death.

i was talking to him in a shop..and that person who owns the shop lied and told my uncle shit about me,well stank up my name.

{the shop owners dad sexually harassed me,so she wanted revenge for her dad}

i know im wrong for going in that shop..but it had something i needed there...where the other places didn't had...so me n my cousin went...then we saw him..we met him in their...our eyes met we laughed and talked...but little did i know i was gonna be in a lot of trouble.]

i did. i did get yelled at when my mum found out i talked to a boy...yet alone went by that shop...i know im wrong...and everyone says shit bout me now..bad person..lair...this that,i hide it ..ok?

yeah so i cried. cried..got frustrated..my aunt kept mocking me about it...but why does she always has to? yes i gets she is looking out for me..its not like im gonna get pregnant...i know what i'm doing...

he knows how my family is...how strict,messy..an yeah i risk it for him....for love.

he makes me feel something i can't feel..he sees the best in me when everyone sees something else...his smile is adorable...-

he makes me giggle,heh-... i love him yeah....but im getting hurt alot in process...im in thin tread...i could get beat to death from my mum...and trust me it almost happened....

i love him alot...but im hurting myself more in process...i don't wanna end it...but i fear to keep it...i love him alot...and its not like everyday we see eachother...again its long distance...so...its-....i dunno...i cry bc im frustrated...mums disappointed...i just need a break...and help...my grandma says i can speak to him,its nothing...i-...i just need...i just want his hugs and kisses...i love him..and i know..well..think that he loves me alot more..<3

I don't know if I am being too dramatic about it or not, but today for the first time my mom is not at home and its just me and my father. She has gone to meet her cousins for a few days. I don't know but there is a strange silence in the entire house. I was mostly alone at home throughout the day and its hitting me so hard that its her presence that makes this house, home. And now when she's not here, it feels like my home is missing. I don't know if its because my periods are due or I am actually sad, but its not even 24 hours and I have already cried multiple times. I wasn't living at home for the past 6 years because of college so I didn't really realise her absence much but I don't know I am feeling very guilty about not spending enough time with her when she's at home. She's busy with her work and I am mostly at my own. I really regret not spending much time with her. And who knows how much time do I have left with her. I'm just overthinking about it but life is so unpredictable.

This is the peak of my insanity. I hate everything. Everyone sucks. They all just lie and cheat and divide and become their own "clan", claiming unity. What the fuck is unity then!?!? This is my first day in school after 3 weeks, and gah! How I wish everyone would just die! It pains me to see teachers say "I bet you had a nice time speaking with friends on the holidays", fuck off. Actually, the teachers should die, for mushing those dumb children's brains that "Friendship is Magic", it's not. It's like saying God is real when it's not. In fact, this isolation for 7 years, no friends, has improved me, changed me. It made me smarter about the universe, that everything is a lie. I'm perfect, better than the school.

When my friend Anna (29f), whom I met at work and quickly bonded with, approached me to play a role in her upcoming wedding, I was initially hesitant. I (40f) mentioned that being a bridesmaid was something I did two decades ago, and frankly, I was not keen on being the "chubby older bridesmaid" among younger, slimmer women. Despite my reservations, intense family pressure and the thought that Anna must really value our friendship made me put my insecurities aside and agree to participate. Additionally, as a professional wedding florist, I offered my services for her big day, promising to waive the labor costs as my wedding gift, which was significant given her budget constraints.

The planning initially went smoothly; we discussed and agreed on the floral arrangements within her budget, amounting to $400. However, complexities began to surface starting with her bridal shower, which Anna had organized. She requested financial contributions from all the bridesmaids and required us to assist with set-up and other preparations. No problem there, until she started altering our originally planned centerpiece designs, necessitating an increased budget—something I flagged as potentially challenging.

Her behavior escalated at the bridal shower when another bridesmaid, Jane (26f), had to leave early to attend a house inspection, which infuriated Anna. Although Jane delayed her departure till 6:30 PM, Anna did not hide her displeasure, later labeling Jane as selfish in a text—signs of her emerging Bridezilla tendencies.

The complications didn't end there. Anna planned a lavish 4-day bachelorette getaway, which I had to decline due to recent surgery, a job change, and financial constraints owing to a car accident. Anna appeared understanding at the time, even when Jane also had to revise her attendance due to house closing commitments, but her reaction was anything but. She accused Jane of being a bad friend.

Close to the wedding, Anna seemed to aim at continuously reducing the floral arrangements to cut costs, eventually paring them down significantly from the initial plan. This constant back-and-forth and her reluctance to finalize the arrangements made the entire process frustrating.

Payment issues only added to the already high tensions. Despite repeated reminders, I didn't receive Anna's payment until the very week of the wedding when her mother finally intervened, sending the check just in time.

The rehearsal dinner set the stage for an uncomfortable wedding day, as Jane and I received cold shoulders from nearly everyone, excluding Anna's mom who checked on the payment status. On the wedding day itself, despite ensuring all floral decorations were spot on, the atmosphere remained icy. The bride's mother even requested changes to the bridal bouquet, compromising its design. The day ended on a sour note, with the groom informing Jane and me that we were somehow on Anna’s “bad side.”

Weeks later, an attempt to reconnect with Anna and discuss the event, remained unanswered, leading me to accept the silent treatment as her final word on our friendship.

In a curious twist, I sometimes wonder how a reality TV show would portray all this drama and turmoil. Would audiences empathize with my situation, or would they side with the bride, seeing my actions as unsupportive? Reality shows thrive on conflict and resolution—a dynamic editing might cast me as either a villain or a victim.

My bestfriednd always had bad taste in men, they're ugly with ugly personality, but her boyfriend right now is destroying the last bit of patience I had for her, basically the only good thing about that guy is that he's tall, but he's face heck it could give people nightmare, his personality? Manipulative, arrogant, egoist, narcissist and want to put his schlong everywhere, I tried multiple times to get her to see that he's a bad guy but nooooo "sHe cAn fIx himmmm " she ain't Bob the builder, heck her own life is crumbling apart because of him but she doesn't want to see it and now she doesn't wanna talk to me because "I'm a bad influence in her life...." I helped her study, helped her find a scholarship, taught her how to make a C.V and how to network, but naaaah, i'm the bad influence, i'm tired of acting like her mama and when that guy cheat ( I know he will cause he asked me for spicy picture)I ain't gonna wipe her tears, I will tell her I told you so, if y'all were in my place what would you do?

Would you be upset with your partner giving commentary on their drive to and from work?

Not like "now i passed a blue car, i am going 38mph, now i passed a red car" no, more like for reckless or stupid drivers (unfortunately here are a lot), "that car is so stupid, they went in that lane..." blah blah blah.

My boyfriend is a busy man I get it but when we're on the call together, most of the time he doesnt have much to say to me or he just responds to what I say or ask and most of the times idc. But I have been mentioning a lot more the reckless drivers around me. I've been noticing them a lot more after I got in a car accident and the other car ran a red light and tboned my car(I'm okay and so is the other driver).

But today I get told that he's tired of me giving commentary while driving. The only f-ing reason that I say that stuff is because other than that he he probably wont say anything. And you bet that after today I'm gonna stop and I'm sure our phone calls will be 80% silent. What's the point of calling me then???

I'm just sad and I hate how I got into this whole relationship. I've already been rethinking our relationship and things like this make it worse. I know relationships require work but how much until its just not worth it? I'm just tired of him and everything else. I just wanted a partner who would listen to me respond because you bet I would do that for him. It sucks that even tho he's a good person idk if I want to be in this relationship

so uh I sent you this link bc I just wanna tell you that i'm sorry for the huge argument we had it was over quite honestly the stupidest thing ever and idk why I'm not talking to you I just knew that eventually I was gonna say smt stupid and you'd actually hate me then- and I mean I did say smt real stupid lol, I'm rlly sorry for that but like i didn't rlly know how to tell you irl and ofc I didn't kick you off Disease :P I mean I could've if I wabted to but then who would decide whether or not Robin dies, right? so I mean you can reply to this on this platform or you can reply on the doc I sent you this on idrm, just know I'm sorry for what I said even if I don't remember what I said. and dw, things are fine now with me smt happened today that made me rlly happy :D I'll tell you about that if you wanna hear but if you don't that's fine :P

so I mean if you don't want to be friends I understand I rlly was an asshole to you and I did treat you like shit and i'm sorry for that, just know that I do care Abt you, and I'm sorry for yelling at you at lunch I didn't know it would trigger you and when you told me I was really pissed at that point and not thinking straight with my reply

I guess that day I was just really out of it bc I felt so horrible over what had happened that morning and with my parents and my grades and everything else like my memory problems and my temper was shorter than ever so please ignore all the hurtful things I said to you (even if it didn't hurt you) bc I was kinda out of it that day

I went to my school carnival, it was fine, I guess. There were many people, and I only went there to buy some merch and stuff. I saw my classmates, said hi to a few of them, but otherwise I didn't do anything with them because they had their own groups doing their things, but I think I dressed well and I got a strawberry keychain, a small Amazonite tumble, and some stickers of K-Pop Demon Hunters and a chemistry version of "Iconic" with moments captured, to say, "Iconic moments captured". But yeah, it was fine, mom got some magnets, my brother hung out with his friends. Honestly, my loneliness now felt more hollow than sad. I told my mom maybe I was destined to be a hermit, and she said, "Even they live, and stop whining. We need to get something." And when I told her no one really greeted me, not that I expected them anyways since I belong in the garbage, she said, "It'll take time, please." Take time, it took 7 years. When we came home after a nice Oriental meal, it was really filling, mom noticed I end up scratching myself way more due to my eczema, and mom admitted she knew why because it gives relief, but when I told her I also do this because when everything goes to hell, I don't have friends, I score low in exams, I stop drawing, scratching is the only thing I'm good at. Mom looked at me weird, told me I live a privileged life, and that when her parents split she was worse off for a while, but weirdly, after I told her "Maybe my problems aren't real." And she said, "You think I said that? Try to think positively for once. It's a slow process." It has been 7 years already, I've given up the search for friendship and love, because to me, it's now a sin my body still wants. In fact, why bother with people? Love and friends are a risk, a liability, and scratching and thinking of doomsday is the only reason I'm alive. It's the only way I'm not getting into bad situations, because I don't trust people. I have eczema, I do get a relief, mom knows. You may say, "Oh stop this self-harm!" But this is from eczema, I've always had this. I have! It's just gotten slightly worse over the years in terms of skin. But it doesn't matter, because as long as I'm not getting an infection or at risk of dying, I'm just suffering a skin disorder. Even mom doesn't get it, because she's an idiot! Why do I even trust her!? She deserves to leave, and so does dad, and my brother who rubs salt in my wound by calling me "friendless", "ugly", "short", "stupid because you scored low marks" on a daily basis thinking it's a joke. I get it, you have more success than me! I'm a flopped movie! But one man who I forgot the name of was right, "People is hell". Hell is other people. That one author of "No Exit" was right. People are disgusting creatures. I may have yelled at mom today, but that's the freest I've felt. Hurting disgusting creatures is easier than living with them, considering I'm a warrior in a world of Hell. Making them feel bad with my harsh words. Hell is other people. Mom is delusional for wanting hope. I've hoped long enough, and it's a mere childish thing. We humans perceive things in our own ways, we may not share the same sights at all, and maybe the real world is just nothing, and we projected ourselves onto it like beings orbiting a mass in nothingness. It's some physics theory I heard somewhere. Her perception that it'll get somewhere is her being a human. My mom is forcing it down my throat because she's another mass of life my poor brain created wanting me to suffer. I'm right, aren't I? Isn't the theory correct? Isn't Sartre correct? Aren't I intelligent? Isn't my perception theory correctly recollected? Me being smarter than my peers, even the guy who told me the perception theory as a joke, I reflected and made it make sense. Guts thrived in being alone, he left Casca for 2 years to help himself after she got trauma, and he lived. He reflected so much, all when being isolated. From his team, his girlfriend, to beat Griffith! At least he had a reason to fight, what am I doing? People are anyways uncultured, stupid, mean, ugly pigs who deserve nothing, anyways. I'm really starting to get Dio and Kat from Euphoria more, people are trash! No wonder Dio became a vampire and Kat became who she is, people are trash and he's rightfully ashamed to be human. People are pigs because I'm better than them. Even my classmates are pigs. And you may also say again, "Oh but try therapy!" Enough with the therapist talk! My dad will never let me go to one ever again! I can never ever go to one because it's a fantasy dream! It's just a life I can never have, so the best I can do is just move on or trust mom, which she's already labelled "pig" in my head because parents slow down their children. I'm no longer hating myself, I hate everyone else for thinking I'm a freak for seeing the truth. Nothing matters because nothing exists. I'm a god in a world of pigs. I was only born as a girl unfortunately. Not that I feel gender dysphoria whatsoever, but people are pigs.

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS

PEOPLE ARE PIGS