Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I feel like my coworkers have been excluding me from the group they were in for a long time; in fact, everyone did. They all try to hide the fact that I'm on the outside, silent. I feel like it's not fair. It can't be that I'm excluded within my own work group. I feel like I like a girl. Could this be the same thing happening to her? It bothers me that they sometimes let me know when something is published for others and when it's not.

Yesterday they had a meal and in front of the others they left me alone. I was starving, I didn't have a spoon, and my coworkers knew it, and they continued after I was given a spoon and they didn't. I feel like my coworkers left me behind, and it's not fair. How can I not sell my head to someone else? I haven't felt anyone with me for a long time. I admit it, I feel alone. Since my treatment, I feel alone. I'm provoked by a gentleman who's bothering me and making a scene to see if they really care about me, but it's no use. I'd be exposing myself, something I might not be able to get out of later.

Why am I ostracized at work? Why is it that my coworkers and I aren't one and the same? It's just them and me, it's that simple. In fact, once I was eating alone, they saw me, my boss didn't even appreciate my meal, and he and a coworker were eating on their own. Why isn't there any desire to be with me? Why is there no desire to be with me? Why is everyone ignoring me? What's wrong with me, for God's sake? What's going on here? Why can't I share these kinds of stories on Facebook? I had so many things to express, and the page censored me. That made me so angry. I hope I don't use this website; I really need it to vent. Why can't I be with a person like any other human being?

Why can't I count on anyone around me, my God? Why is it them and me on my side? Why do we pretend nothing's happening? Why am I so weird? Why am I so strange? I feel like I'd really like to get into trouble just to get attention. I admit it, I feel like I'm weird. I don't like being disrespectful, I can't stand disrespect, I demand respect for my work, I like to respect my health at all costs, I'm more modern than them, I reject academic degrees, but despite this, I act as if I have the requirements for obtaining them, I'm not attached to my family, and despite everything, since all of that defines what I think about myself, I do things well. Otherwise, it would bring me problems, that is, people would say that I don't do them well, and here it's the opposite, and that's exactly what makes them embrace me, but not stay there in the long run, given such characteristics. They tolerate me, however, they use those free moments to stop the effort, and frankly, I understand them; I would do the same.

I feel that a man I know has a life that is too disdainful and hasn't known what to do with it, undoubtedly because he doesn't face the events of his past and present. That is, he dwells in them without leaving them, and bases his life solely on fleeing from such issues, from such feelings. In fact, that's why his routine is structured; we agree that we both want to protect our routine, but the foundation and the people are different, that is:

- I'm somewhere between good and bad because my colleagues and I don't quite gel, so there's no extreme. On the other hand, I'm fair, because it clashes and at the same time he tries to keep himself from going deeper, even though he doesn't succeed, which is a huge burden on his life because he feels like his life is always going downhill. I used to feel it, but it was a sensation I had to navigate, given that there is a structure that sustains me.

I base my routine on the freedom to generate ideas for myself and give myself context regarding my surroundings; in his case, however, it's based on remaining on the run from his feelings. My routine seeks confrontation, while his, absence. Indeed, we both flee the consequences of worsening disasters, given that the same path is followed, only mine leads to a favorable course of action, while his leads to a dead end, resulting in despair, which in my case results in nothing but tranquility.

That gentleman and I are superficially similar; however, deep down, we are radically different people. We have no business together. Another difference: I seek to be cautious when getting involved with another, allowing for open spaces within the timeframe that allows; he, for his part, doesn't take that timeframe into account. We can't be together, given that we will enter into a debate of ideas regarding how to do things in a constant manner. Our relationship is impossible. Besides, I choose to take the consequences into account and he doesn't. Such a relationship would go towards a Take me by his side, because of his blindness, because on my part these are issues I would have to explain to him, and he simply refuses. That is to say, the validity would be on his grounds and not mine. Because of mine, I am a developed entity, unlike him, and he ignores it. Therefore, it results in a toxic friendship, in that it would lead to my depersonalization, and the idea is for it to remain valid.

I have to say it. It's a shame that a person similar to me—in terms of, in my opinion, intelligence, interest in writing, learning methods, loneliness, turbulent past, research, sacrifice, and difficulty in life—cannot be with me. We can relate. However, it is a superficial similarity because the aforementioned are means, and the same as a whole, as we have seen, embrace dealing with one or fleeing from one, and therein lies the difference, and in which a necessary distancing is warranted. Indeed, these means are my refuge to recover, as is your case, however, the issue between him and me also lies in the effects on the environment as well, in your case these effects result in a way of staying the same, in your routine, in my case too, however, in the expression of feelings, that is where maturity lies and hence the above: We are simply going to tend to fight together. It is reiterated what was said: It is healthy to separate it, to separate would only settle on unhealthy ground.

Growing up, I was used to being praised by my relatives. My aunts and uncles, and most importantly, my mother and father. I was the younger sibling, have an older and only sister, I was praised because I achieved far more greater things than my sibling had, as they've said really. I grew up having those expectations normalised towards me because I never had trouble keeping up with them. I also won those competitions because my mom wants me to and has me practice hard. With honours, first placer in poster making, the class and even the schools representative when competing with other schools in the district, once in the division level..

I was never the smart kid though, just enough, by fourth grade I entered every single poster and any art related contests and won the gold medal most of the time. I never connected it to the fact that those added points must've been what pulled my grades high.

My older sibling always had lesser grades than me, always berated and compared to my higher grades. I always preened on the compliments yet maybe I should’ve felt bad instead that my sibling was being judged and ridiculed for barely passing. I didn't know then what it felt like.

I never thought I’d experience those things, yet I did. Entering highschool, I never placed high expectations on myself. Why would I when big grades always came naturally to me even without the tiring studying back at elementary?

Yet now, lesson after lesson I fail to comprehend them, I barely understood the materials and repeatedly got less than good scores in activities and tests. I excel in project making yet pretty designs will never get me far. Now I barely hang on to my honour streak.

Then that day came.

Our advisor posted the list of who made it to the honours list in our class gc. And for the first time I didn’t see my name. At most half of us didn't make it to the honour list so I rationalized that Im not an odd one out. I didn’t feel much, I didn’t let myself feel much, not while I was in school in front of my friends. I felt disappointed, sure but I let it go because I knew I couldn’t do anything about it anymore.

Then when I got home, I suddenly felt myself being nervous around my mother, she kept asking me and I relented and told her I failed for the very first time to be in the honour list.

What hurt more was that she didn’t scream at me. She usually does on smaller matters (she'd curse a lot) but now she simply sounded disappointed, berated me and told me how I would tell my hardworking father. What’s worse was that I was now the one being compared to my older sibling who was passing her classes.

I didn't cry, I didn’t feel like needing to cry even by then, I was ashamed but I didn’t cry, I felt numb that I didn’t cry, I kept quiet and took in all her words. She told me she expected better and that honest to god hurts most.

When dinner came around my mother told my father about my failed grades, he sounded disappointed and angry too. I didn’t cry. I expected and deserved it.

Yet. when I was alone, feeding the dog (she's tied outside by the shop where my dad fixes cars, he's a self employed mechanic) I felt my eyes water and tears started falling down, my chest tightened and I wanted to stop yet I couldn't. I hid behind our car that was nearby, ashamed to be seen crying over my failed grades. Now hunched over in the shadows, trying desperately to wipe the onslaught of tears, I took and shaky breaths and composed myself as best as I could. Finishing up with my chore and going to my room as if I hadn't been crying my eyes out.

Today my best friend called me and we were talking. In the middle of the conversation she said, “You know, I even argued with someone for you.” I asked why, what happened. Then she told me that a few days ago she had gone to a famous place for a trip and to visit her institute. She stayed at one of her cousin’s places. While she was there, I had called her, and maybe the phone was on speaker. Out of excitement I told her to bring something for me. Her cousin heard that and said, “Doesn’t she know how to talk? Has she never gone anywhere before?” its not like that i never travelled but only beacuse of my excitement

My best friend stood up for me, but she told me about this today and I’m feeling bad about it.

Yesterday marked another year for my dad, and the family gathering was quite something to behold. Present were my sister Laura, our other sister Jane, our aunt and uncle, along with our three cousins. Among them, our cousin Olivia, who recently had her daughter raise some commiserations over a broken ankle requiring crutches. At the party, Laura's son, Nathan, 13, and Olivia's daughter, Emma, 12, were the juniors present.

The children spent their time in the living room while the adults busied themselves in the kitchen. We paid little mind to the youngsters, believing them mature enough to steer clear of any real mischief. However, a loud crash followed by a burst of yelling abruptly drew us all to the scene. Rushing in, we found Nathan and Emma in a tangle over a crutch. Emma was seated, struggling to maintain her balance, and Nathan was behind her, evidently the instigator in the scuffle. The confrontation ended with Emma toppling backward off the couch, crying.

It emerged that Nathan, in a bizarre act, had hurled one of Emma’s crutches down the basement stairs and was in the process of doing the same with the other. After confirming Emma wasn’t gravely injured, her mother Olivia began interrogating Nathan with a mix of concern and frustration, raising her voice but not exactly shouting. Several others chimed in, but Laura swiftly defended her son, asserting “He’s just a kid; no one’s hurt.”

This rationale seemed flimsy to me because, first, Emma could have been seriously injured, and second, Nathan is 13—an age at which such recklessness should be more controlled. I voiced my opinion that “just a kid” might apply to those under 11, but certainly not a teenager.

Laura was noticeably upset by the reactions, particularly mine. I truly don’t understand why Nathan acted so carelessly. Perhaps he thought it was funny? Laura’s irritation makes me wonder if I overstepped, but honestly, what was that about?

Imagining this incident featured on a reality show, would the public take my side, seeing Nathan’s actions as flat-out dangerous, or would they sympathize with Laura, viewing the backlash as an overreaction? The drama and debates that follow such a scene could be endless, heightening tensions or perhaps even drawing a clear line on parenting views under public scrutiny.

If this were a scenario on a reality show, how might the audience react?

i just feel so terrible rn. not physically, but mentally and emotionally. i overstimulated myself so much that i can’t even do anything like i used to. i can’t focus on classes much, while assignments are piling up on me. i can’t even get over the horror film i saw last night, and ai hate is getting more and more terrible each day. and if that wasn’t enough, my sprained foot hurts me sometimes.

all that while i wonder to myself: “am i just taking too many steps back?” i thought that i was improving, but i can’t even take a long, loooong break from everything. it just hurts. i want everything to stop.

sorry if all of this is word soup. i couldn’t take it anymore.

I have this friend I've known for years, but recently they're just being a straight up jerk. I've noticed that nowadays whenever something even slightly ticks them off they take it out on someone else, and they've become really mysogenistic, basically the whole 'nice guy' thing and it's like wtf? then he's always complaining about 'oh I'll never get a girlfriend' like first of all you're thirteen and second of all idk maybe start treating people with respect?! they're so unpredictable too because one second they're being really great and awesome but then the second something doesn't go the way they want all of a sudden the world is ending and he's mad at everyone, and I genuinely have no clue how to react to ts. I want to leave so bad because there are so many other people I know who are so much better and don't jsut punch me when they want or say shit like 'it's not that deep' whenever they say something genuinely disgusting, but idk how and I'm hoping they just forget about me, ans I also don't want to leave behind my other friends.

'oh why can't people like others for who they are' then they continue to hate someone over the smallest thing like what they wear. 'women these days are so dramatic' and it's a girl crying because her dog just died. 'oh you make me mad' yeah well so do you- I mean oops I'm so sorry you're right I will stop talking to you like a normal human and like a robot that agrees with everything you say ig. 'oh you have no personality I hate you for that lmao' gee I wonder why such a crazy mystery hmmmmmmmmm I wonder. 'why did you miss school I've gone sick before just suck it up and deal with it' now lets see I just told you I had such a bad migraine I was almost hospitalize but ooopppssss I'm soooooo sorryyyy I guess I should have just passed out from pain right then and there mb g.

I didn't actually belive that the internet was ruining this generation to this extent until now and it's kinda scary ngl because no one has empathy or even listens to others in the first place. Imma take my other freind and just like... run away from this group at this point because wtfffffffffffffffffffffffff

Today I wrote on the board, what I needed my husband to do, and he proceeded to “go through the motions” and do what he thought needed to be done, and when I tried to point out that he is not listening to me, nothing. No expression nothing, no apology, NOTHING. To be honest I don’t want an apology, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been leaving him more work to do for me and I’ve been doing what I consider the bare minimum, which is clean the laundry, wash all the dishes, put dishes away, mop, sweep, vacuum, and clean anything else that needs to be cleaned, and cook all the meals. ANYTHING more than this, I don’t even bother with them anymore, no more answering questions no more giving a shit about any of their mental lists. My husband and my kids. So I needed for him to turn the water heater on and to order the right gas tank since it was out. He instead went outside and turned the valve to the right tank and effectively turned off the gas to the house. So the lasagna didn’t cook. Since I’m on my period he asked me if he could make me a steak, but when he arrived I said no, because I was hungry and I wanted to eat quickly, but was persistent and insisted that he wanted to make it for me. when I realized that the gas was gone we both assumed that both tanks were empty and that he YET AGAIN forgot to order gas.I kept my cool, and said that since the lasagna wasn’t cooked, I needed to pick up food for everyone. The kids were hungry so they had the lasagna despite the noodle not being cooked. He was annoyed because I asked him to put in the order, and he did, and I stopped the oil he was heating up on the spare stove from over heating and creating gas, took it outside and started to fry his sweet potato fries. I said NO to the whole steak and the fries, and because his intentions were good i was trying to be calm but i was starving. When we realized he turned the valve instead of him doing what the board said, “TURN THE HEATER ON and order the right gas tank,” he asked me a stupid question, and said “STOP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT BOARD”. Guys, wtf?? The board is supposed to be so the communication is CLEAR AS FUCKING DAY, you can read it over and over and over again and NOT GET IT WRONG. No where did I say turn the valve. I’m leaving for surgery tomorrow, and I don’t want to look at him. I’m angry but I’ve been so angry at his inability to listen and UNDERSTAND that I don’t even know what I’m angry about anymore, everything is so messed up in my heart.My head is also so confused, I just don’t understand what the fuck is wrong with him, lately he will start speaking and start in the middle of his sentence or the end of his sentence and expect for me to follow, so now, if I don’t understand what he is talking about, I just go about my day. I can’t tell you the YEARS, literal years, I’ve said this phrase “ stop speaking in abbreviations, I don’t understand what your talking about, just say the whole word,” or “ complete sentences Temo” I can’t do it anymore. I’m not trying to divorce him, I’ve made way too many life choices that have me completely dependent on his income, and I really really really really did love him, I still do, like I make sure all his stuff is ready to do incase he wants to mountain bike, and I keep his important things a priority because I care about his happiness, truly. He is a very nice person, hence him trying to cook a steak so my period symptoms were more manageable. It’s this talking to each other thing. he can’t hear a word I’ve said. I HAVE NOW Started to word all questions as YES OR NO, so make it simple, but for the love of GOD, he will answer my question with a question every single time. I can’t stand him anymore. I really am so so so sad for my dumbass self. He would make a better roommate. he would suck ass as a friend he doesn’t fucking listen. This time it was painfully apparent that he jumped the gun and did whatever he thought was best, and instead of seeing his error, he’s annoyed with me. AWESOME. So guys, I’m at the point in this marriage, where he is kind enough to stay with, but the NO WORDS is hurting me, thats why I’here, so what can I do? With myself of course trying to talk with him is pointless. I want to talk to anyone but being in this world where now there are no such things as adult friends, I’m drowning in my own problems. If I was rich I’d buy a house for myself right next door to him, so the kids can see us both everyday. I just don’t want this type of crap happening anymore. How hard is it to answer a YES OR NO question? Or do EXACTLY what is written for you on the board??? I picked up the food and ate the over priced food, left the steak for tomorrow, and didn’t touch a fry. I guess me saying “no hun I’m hungry now” means NOTHING. I’m so angry I don’t know what to do. I want for him to understand but that is effort I don’t have, now I just have to learn to place my anger and frustration on the right spot, so I can continue living. I’ve even started doing everything I can myself so I don’t have to ask my incompetent husband for anything anymore. I’m in the sewing room just typing this… he doesn’t care and never has to come and try to talk anything out with me. ITS always been me bringing up the topics, but not anymore, he doesn’t care. Maybe the wound will fester and one day I’ll wake up and not give a shit about the repercussions of ending a marriage, or maybe one day I won’t care about not having a conversation where it ends in both of us feelings heard and understood. I’m hoping for the latter, cause I’ve been with him since we were both 15 years of age, and I’m barely 33, so I don’t want to start again, and find out all men are imbeciles who take for granted what took them SO MANY YEARS to re build.

Tonight, my brother invited his girlfriend over for dinner, which turned out to be an unusual evening. My family, being Taiwanese, typically uses chopsticks at meals, and this standard practice was at the center of tonight's drama. This was the first time I was meeting my brother's girlfriend, who is Caucasian, and without thinking much about it, I handed her a pair of training chopsticks while setting the table.

She seemed puzzled at first, then politely thanked me and didn’t make a further comment. I proceeded to finish setting up the table and didn't think much of my action. As we sat down to eat, my sister, who is 19, asked my brother's girlfriend if she had ever used chopsticks before or if she would prefer a fork instead. That’s when the girlfriend revealed, "I'm actually pretty good with chopsticks! I just got handed the training ones for some reason." Suddenly, everyone turned to look at me; I could feel all eyes on me at that moment. All I could muster was a bewildered response stating it seemed like "a logical assumption.”

Feeling the awkward tension, my mom quickly intervened, fetching her regular chopsticks. The dinner continued, but the atmosphere had changed. Later, my mom pulled me aside to quietly express her displeasure. She mentioned that my action might have made my brother’s girlfriend feel unwelcome or under assumption, pointing out that it was embarrassing and urging me to be more considerate in the future.

Imagine if this whole situation played out on a reality show. Picture the cameras zooming in as everyone’s gaze shifts towards me, the slow-motion replay of my confused girlfriend's expression, and the dramatic music as my mother retrieves the regular chopsticks. The viewers would probably be split; some might sympathize with my naive presumption, while others might cringe at the faux pas. No doubt it would make for an engaging episode, filled with awkward dinner scenes and family dynamics, sparking debates and social media buzz about cultural assumptions and personal sensitivities.

I work in a hospital, as an Intern..

From half a month working in a certain department.I do every work on time, with discipline and punctuality.But there had been hardly a single day,when some senior of mine,for whom I work smiles at me.All over the duty time,they people seem evergreen irritated.They can't smile at you,they can't be normal looking towards you.Appreciation is never cup of tea of theirs.And yeah more over to that,you are asked to do,such helper works! "Fill my waterbottle," when the RO is just steps away!!! It seema like a maid of theirs, than a job that I am being paid for.... You are being taunted/scolded on every step.... without an option of giving reasons....Why are some people there of some sort?why can't people have humanity!!

I’m young, but not young enough where I’m selfish or make fun of kids. But I’m not grown enough to do things without being told “your way to young to be even thinking about doing something like that”. But I have a massive heart. I really hate it sometimes, for example, this one kid, small about 4’11 maybe shorter, super skinny, red head, loves dinosaurs and kid things, (he’s around 11-13) his heart definitely hasn’t even been scratched. Super sweet kid, mostly quiet, reminds me of my younger siblings. I was volunteering at a school musical and he was there. First couple days he didn’t have a lunch or dinner ( the musical stayed from 3pm-7pm and dinner was at 630pm and we left at 7pm) he always looked so hungry and was always eyeing everyone’s food like he was starving, I felt so bad I started crying and I felt so bad even though I had nothing to do with it. Then his parent didn’t pick him up (I leave at 8pm) and I felt so bad. Like my heart was aching so badly for him. He looked so sad and disappointed that no one picked him up yet. I feel so bad for him and want to help him or eat lunch with him or get him lunch. But I act all tough infront of my friends and I just can’t bring myself to help or do anything. He’s a super sweet kid and I just wanna give him a huge hug.

Me and virgo have been friends for 4 some months and bit more. It's not news to me that this is a purely plain friendship, with no scope for anything else. But somehow I failed. This person has been a great great friend to me all these months, helped me in every way the could, been there for me, been sensible. Its just that I feel we 'll never be able to get on the same page ever. The equation between us is no more the same. It's just simple from that side, whereas it's quite complicated on my end now. I kept denying to myself and them the turmoil I felt within me everytime. It was not simple jealousy. It was much more. Me telling them every little thing in my daily life, every ups and downs, frustrations and joys, lead me here today. Obviously, what did I think. I would be able to maintain a simple friendship after involving them so much in my life? I should have listened to myself that I wouldn't be able to do this.

Today I am finding myself in a place to blame myself and no one else, even they might say it's all my fault, because truly it's mine only. They seem to be quite outgoing and chill with their girl buddies the same way they are with their guy buddies. They made that space for themselves where they can freely go out with whichever friend whenever. They are more open with their friends than their family. I am the opposite here. Another thing, they see every other friend the same way (atleast that's what they say), they love to travel, and take their friends out to travel. Travelling is their one true love. This person dropped the girl buddy to the railway station late at night (mind you, they are friends since long). They also took her out for her birthday and came home late at night (almost one half day of travelling). They are now planning a trip to rishikesh. Wow. They missed out on clearing that it's with this girl not a guy friend. And that's what really shattered me for good this time. I know this time it's irreparable. This person is so damn excited for a 2 day trip, looking to see if it's safe for girls. Also note that they've been going out a bit too often these days. Obviously they are kinda nearby to meet. Unlike me who stays states apart. I am well aware of the fact that I do sound extremely jealous, but I am also hurt. The reason being me myself. I can't do this simple friendship with anyone, or have a good friendship only with such a person after involving them so much into my life. I do get attached eventually. This is me. I really can't do anything about this. I admit this a weak side of me, which is bad. I really don't feel these ppl might end up being more than friends, given that they get to meet a lot, go on trips together and they love going out. Like wow. Ok he didn't want to go on a trip with his guy friends. But for her he quickly said yes, thats already a plan in making.

1. Stop involving them so much in ur life

2. It's not going to look nice admittedly

3. Someday actually open up to them, and settle things.

4. Do not care where it goes. Whatever will happen will happen for the best.

5. This is God clearing your path for your future.

Where do I look? I don't know where to look. I confess that I have a hard time looking at myself much. I have so many things scattered throughout my life that I don't know. I confess, and I must be clear, that I've completely abandoned my life. It's true; I feel like I know nothing about myself, absolutely nothing. I don't know what conditions I live in. I feel like I'm constantly carrying all that weight. I have a hard time looking at myself. I feel like it's strange for me.

In principle, what does it mean to look at myself? I don't know. I haven't asked myself how I am for a while. I just follow a vague routine and that's it. I don't know about my life. I've never asked myself how I am with my relationships. I feel like I've neglected that because I don't nurture them; I think that's why I don't possess them, unless they really catch my attention. What is it like to look at yourself? How is everything structured? Where do I start? What does it mean to be with yourself?

I have a hard time looking inside myself because, even though I don't know, I don't know why there are so many things. I feel a sovereign distaste for such a depth. It bothers me that I can't tap into it immediately. What questions do I ask myself first? Am I good? Am I bad? Am I this or that? I have no reference to refer to myself. It's scarce. I've always been concerned with measuring myself through others, so that their comments, due to their very content, don't affect me, and that's precisely why I maintain a limiting dependence on them.

I feel like I've never reached myself. I have depth in my words, but I feel like I've never penetrated myself. I feel that, to begin with, it must be said, I'm disgusted by my life because I don't take care of my hygiene. I tend to be lazy with it because of the tiredness it causes me to go through the motions of maintaining it. I dislike it, but at the same time I like it because it allows me to live far from how I lived at home.

I feel like my life is precisely a radical escape from the life I had with my mother and father, especially during my upbringing. I had a very heavy life, and now I try to make it as light as possible, unfortunately, going to extremes, apparently. In fact, I don't even want to have clean clothes. I only live for the sake of no one noticing what's going on. Now that I think about it, the mere idea of ​​living with myself makes me hide.

Also, I feel like I wouldn't live with myself because I feel like I'd point out things about myself, highlight strange things that I don't want anyone else to see, including, apparently, me. I just let myself go and I'm not aware of what I'm doing. Deep down, I feel like I'm bathing in a deep sadness and I play with it. In a way, I feel like I'm overcoming it, challenging it, even though it's there. It's an attitude that wasn't allowed either.

I live to do what my system of rules, with which I was raised, breaks down completely. In fact, I feel like I'm still a teenager, I confess. I dislike it partly because I'm getting bored of being in constant conflict with it. I feel it's time to stop fighting that upbringing. I don't feel like it's doing me any good, and in fact, I feel like it's causing a lot of noise right now.

That is to say, I feel like I have a life, or I've reached a structure, with which I like and dislike. Again, on the terrain of rebellion. I feel like I don't know, I must say, what I really want with my life. I've reached a deep stagnation. When will I get out? I don't know, in principle, what my tastes are. I feel like I haven't fully emerged.

Nothing has come out of that struggle with my belief system yet. It used to be that it brought me tremendous benefit, however, I've reached a point where it's no longer necessary. In fact, in the environments I frequent, it's no longer necessary; rather, it's superfluous. It's become dispensable. I need to know what can emerge from this struggle, a dialectic, as they would say in philosophy.

I've reached the point of reflecting on: Who am I? I swore I had that answer a long time ago, however, I've only explored what I had to say about the things I experience, which has given me the ability to be at this point where I ask myself that question: Who am I? What do I do in this world? What purpose can I serve society? Why do I exist? Why do I spend time with the people I spend time with? Why am I alone and not accompanied? Would I be better off being accompanied than alone? Why is it worth continuing to live? I feel like I have so many questions to answer; I'd never asked myself them, and during my upbringing, they were truly unthinkable.

The one that stands out most to me now is: Why don't I pursue what I love? Right now, I see myself in the worst voices, but they come from voices that aren't mine, but rather my parents', so they aren't guiding. Why do I do what I do? I feel that, essentially, I don't have a reason for what I do, something that gives it meaning. I feel like I live without knowing why I act, what drives me, and I confess, I'm totally unaware of that. I see myself acting, simply, based on maintaining the organic relationship between things without actually going anywhere beyond that.

I think the question that plagues me right now is, and I think it encompasses everything: Where do I have to go? What is that place? What do I have to follow? I find myself without that reference. Why have I allowed myself to go so long without that reference? I don't understand. How have I been able to live without one? Now the question is: Is it a reference? Or is it admitting that no such reference exists? Personally, I think the most important thing is to unburden this area, which, in effect, I think we can talk about as an existential crisis.

I wil ltry to be short and clear :)

Is it wrong that I'm thinking of skipping my family's upcoming trip to Europe? Originally, I was on board when the idea came up, but after giving it some thought, I'm leaning towards not going. I prefer traveling with my fiancee, especially since we've discussed taking a significant trip together. Although I grew up traveling with my family almost every year until I was about 22, those experiences were mostly within the United States or North America, featuring low-key vacations with a few adventurous activities thrown in. Since everyone in my family is working full-time, our trips together have become quite infrequent.

The issue is, one of my parents is likely to take my refusal pretty hard. It could become a lingering topic of conversation and might even cause ongoing tension. While I cherish the bond I share with my family, I feel that at this point in my life, I’d rather explore new places with my fiancee. Am I being unreasonable?

Imagine if this scenario were to unfold on a reality TV show. How would the viewers react? Likely, there’d be a mix of support for my desire to travel with my fiancee, and sympathy for my family, particularly the parent who feels hurt by my decision. The dramatic element of family discord might even become a focal point of an episode, bringing its own twists and viewer engagement.

Tw mentions of suicide and grooming

I feel like there are people predisposed to being good, then there are people like me who have to fight with every fiber of their being to go against who nature has clearly destined them to be.

I love my partner and people close to me, at least I should and there’s no reason not to, but god I think I hate them too, it’s recurring the wish that they would just die because it would make my life easier. Everytime they talk to me it’s a chore. Not that this reflects on them, they’re like a perfect person, but it’s just how I am seemingly naturally.

Other times im on the edge of my seat using every ounce of self control not to cut everyone off, run off into the woods and get myself killed because the thought is so tempting and I really wanna do it, or cut off all of my friends so I can get with another groomer because that’s really the only thing that will make me happy.

I know very well these are evil things to think very very evil selfish things that would ruin my relationships and the trust I’ve built with everyone I love , but that doesn’t change how they are the only things that feel rewarding to me like AT ALL. But on the outside I have to consciously remind myself of who I am supposed to be, a kind and perfect person that loves other people, as is the only person worth staying alive. So when they vent about how they deserve to die alone, instead of going with how I want to reply and watch them shatter ‘well yeah, you do deserve to die alone’- I go, ‘I’m sorry :( do you wanna talk about it? Im here for whatever you need.’ Because that is the normal reaction to have and the care I should have hardwired automatically, though it’s so drastically different to how I feel inside because it just????? Does not come naturally to me??? I have to wonder if literally everyone feels this way because it’s absolutely unfathomable to me why anyone would want to be alive if that was the case. People apologize like ‘sorry if im being a burden’. I’ll tell them ‘no way! Nothing can be a burden to me.’ And sometimes that’s true and I feel I can practically understand where anyone is coming from without judging. But on the other hand people having a bad day is a burden to me, people having human emotions is a burden to me, the fact I have to think about bad things happening to anyone but me is a burden to me because I want everything bad to happen to me. This is to the point I genuinely get jealous and frustrated when I see other people being abused (though ofc I know it’s not their fault and I try to help relieve their emotions and get them out of the abusive situation as a way to relieve my own unbearable jealousy. But evidently that’s not pure intent). In short, what im trying to say is everything is a burden to me, I’d rather either them die or I die than sit through another day in this shitty world that does not seem to change, and as of now I’ve lost hope in being fixed because well… my entire person is the problem . Though I proceed to go about my cheerful exterior and try to live kindly. Does anyone else feel like this or have a perspective on it? This is probably some form of derangement or something, having absolutely no selfless care for anybody, I’ll talk to my therapist about it on the 22nd. But jeez does it suck to live like this.

nothing helps it doesn't matter how much I talk about it how much I journel how much I distract myself how much I treat myself how much rest I give myself how healthy i eat how much water i drink how much exercise I get how much I surround myself with people I love or how many times I call the hotlines. everyone gives the same advice "take small steps" "healing takes time" "just take a quick break or try a breathing exercise when it feels like too much" a breathing break isn't gonna help me maybe it wouldve three years ago but idk what I have but its not just what's happening around me its something fudemently wrong with me. no matter how good I have it I'll find I way to ruin it or make myself feel bad. it takes so much effort just to make myself function semi properly, to just exist. i cant tell what's wrong with me and at the same time I know. maybe its too many things and I'm just not sure which one, or maybe its none of them. I mean this cant be because of what's happening around me bc only one baddish thing has ever happened and it was basically my fault anyways. I just cant accept the fact people might acc like me and I know everything I'm scared of and hate about myself and do is irrational but it doesnt matter. this isn't somthing I can fix and its harder and harder every day to deal with it. I'm realizing I should've gotten help a long time ago, because now when people tell me to deal with it maybe I used to be Able to but I just cant anymore. every day I'm waiting and waiting every day even good days I'm dealing with it. I cant tell what I'm missing and if my problems are serious or not but if I don't get help that actually helps soon I'm just gonna end it. I'm tired of waiting for something that isn't coming. its never coming.