Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

so my boyfriend and I have been there for 7 months now. I've noticed he's been talking to girls that he used to like and one of his exes. I told him to block them and not to talk to them cus I didn't feel comfortable with him talking to them. instead of listening or finding a way arnd it, he started gaslighting me, making me feel bad and feel like its my fault. He still talks to them to this day but I'm too scared to voice it out again cus I'm afraid he might get mad at me. am I being dramatic? am I overreacting?

Well I met her for the first time in university, we were not friends right away it took us some time to become friends and now we are best friends, let's call her Lily It's been a year or so, I don't usually trust people but I gave her a chance I still don't know why, I never had this strong feeling about her betraying me.

Lately, something happened between us but before that let me tell you what kind of friendship we have: (I have financial problems and someone spending money on me is a big deal for me but it is her love language according to her) She is from a rich family so she takes me out and pays without even asking me, there are multiple occasions I insisted on paying she did not let me, I tell her that I feel bad it feels like I am using her for money. Still, she would tell me it was fine and all I usually back out whenever she offered to go out and eat but she told me she does not have any other friends who would treat her like me, I am just honest about things and she is quite dumb when making serious decisions. Hence, she asks for my help mostly and trusts me that I won't misguide her and I try my entire best to not misguide her, I don't give her advice that she should choose this or that I just tell her that these are choices and these are their consequences if possible she decides by herself.

now there is this other friend of ours who we will call Cactus (yes I don't like him )

he is very manipulative and he likes to be the center of attention always, he wants us to treat him like royalty even when he is the one needing our help remind you this is a grown-ass adult who might be around 25 he is older than both of us by 5 to 6 years, he has this massive ego which is very fragile.

well, Lily is very easily manipulated like very easily, if you tell her she did wrong even tho she didn't she will think she did wrong. and like I said it's her love language to spend money on people around her, she used to pay for cactus's food initially later she stopped Idk why,

whenever I tell her that Cactus is making me feel left out and I don't enjoy sitting with him and all, she understands not always but usually and we both would sit separately, I don't mind sitting alone but she won't leave me, even tho in the start she was closer to cactus than with me, but she would leave with me

this made Cactus not like me(I would be ignored in group conversations and all, and he made me feel lonely ), he thinks I'm the one telling her not to sit with him, I prefer to have as few people around me as possible while cactus wants us to sit with a huge crowd like 15 to 20 people, I don't enjoy large companies nor do I tell lily to tag along with me I don't mind it because I get overwhelmed with all these people and then cactus targeting me in front of all. there are multiple occasions he blamed me for Lily's actions, lily did defend me on multiple occasions but sometimes they were not enough she does not let me get away from him she knows I prefer not to argue over little things that's why I ignore him

cactus not only targets me he also doesn't like another girl,l Rose, cactus knows about her past mistakes and all, but he also used to tell BS behind her back all the time, he is so manutiplive he made her appear like a very bad person in front of her, later on, we girls started to hang out which made both me and lily realize she is not at all like what we heard from cactus instead we got to know that he is backbiting behind every single of us with one another,

there was this scene that was the main cause of my and Lily's downfall or so I think

some other friends including Lily were studying together there came the cactus along with a friend who is a damn creep, they asked us to let them join us for studying (cactus is not at all good at studying nor does he puts effort in studying but he acts almighty like "see I didn't study properly and still cleared the course" I'm like yea sure if grace marks are considered good sure be proud of yourself)

a day before this cactus asked me if I would help me study I said yes because it would help me revise too we had this conversation fofourike 4 times in a single day and every time I told him k I would help you out when I was done with the group study, what happened was that he was constantly disturbing and was annoying, others who were studying told him not to do it I did too I was exactly yelling or screaming or anything this sort I just was telling him to stop he didn't listen, creep whisper something in his ear and they got up and went away, then I did with my study I asked him over texts that I'm free, he told me that he was there to study not anymore I said okay whatever you want,

he called Lily and told her that I was extremely rude to him in front of all the people and that I think he won't be able to study without me, and even in texts, I was rude to him.

She texted me defending him over me even tho she was present there too that I wasn't the only one telling him to shut up or go away, she didn't believe me she said yea you were rude to him especially, I was devasted I responded normally like okay we will talk about this later.

I hated that she refused to believe me over him and she knows I never refuse anyone if they want me to help them out in studying and nor do I say things like they need me to help them or else they won't have a chance, she believed him.

I overlooked this but there is a thing that happened it's not related to me or Lily, it's about Rose well cactus knows her secrets and all (I don't judge her on anything those were mistakes or simply just her choices she didn't hurt anyone with these choices)

he had told everyone about it rose is unaware that people who she thinks are her friends are always judging her every move, the creepy friend of Cactus said something so terrible about Rose in front of Lily and Cactus, Lily told him off and not to say such things while cactus was laughing

Lily told me about it, and I told Rose about it because it was so terrible, and if I were in her shoes I would want to know about their true colors too

Lily got mad at me saying that she trusted me on this, i am wrong here in that I broke Lily's trust and told Rose about it, i did it in front of Lily to avoid any misunderstanding, i apologized to Lily for this but I don't regret telling rose about his true colors rose showed us cactus's chats with her being a sweet innocent man praising her and all while telling us the exact opposite of this, later lily said something I will never forget she said "cactus talks about rose behind her back and all but he is my friend he doesn't do it behind so it does not matter to me "

I was shocked to my core, cactus tells everyone about everyone's secret even his girlfriend's and she thinks he will not do this to her

what should I do now I'm scared to leave Lily alone with him, he will do unthinkable things, and she won't even realize

but I don't want to be around him

ik I broke her trust but rose does not deserve any of this either why should she suffer just because cactus wants to look like Mr know it all

I'm in culinary school.

First semester still, but already sidelined during group projects because my inability to catch-up or get along with my classmates. We're girls in dorms. Call me a pick-me, but the boys are easier to deal with because a) I don't live with them and b) they actually do kinda listen more? I guess that's just the perk of pretty much having the same personality as some of them. I wouldn't say this is strictly a girl issue - but my GOD, do they get rowdy at night (the girls) and I'm suffering from lack of sleep. Should I even be telling them to quit, because it should be common sense not to cackle and disturb others at night? I live in one room with only one roommate. I've had psychotic episodes and I've had to pull out of class early today because they were making offhanded comments about me, which I get that they make about each other - but I'm not okay with it.

Imagine having to live with this for pretty much all semester, it just gets worse because they just swipe by the boundaries. And being hyper-sensitive to change of atmosphere and situation due to trauma, it makes me feel even more stressed and alone and I was seriously considering SUICIDE and self-harm. I feel like due to my anger, I view it as the best "TAKE THAT" option. See how much I hated them and how much they were the cause of my stress that I'd kill myself because of them. Let the memory of my bloodied body haunt them forever.

I don't wanna hurt anyone. I don't wanna be an inconvenience. My brain hurts. I don't think I can keep going.

I'm in my early 20's. Yet I've wasted my life. As I've moved from the place I've called home for many years. I realized that everything I did there was for other people's approval, appreciation, and opinions. Now, as I'm not there, I just feel lost. I don't know what I want for my major, nor what my interests are. I know damn well what I don't like, and many people say that that's a start. But I'm honestly worried that I'll never make any friends due to the fact that I honestly don't know what I like. I have no passions. No interests. And it's hard for me to be interested in other people on a genuine level, since I don't know what I'm interested. Most people wanna be friends with others with the same interest. But how do people become friends with someone who lacks interests? And I mean genuine interests. As I've said, I've lived me life for other people, and I don't know where to start for myself. Trust me, I've try many things, but again, they weren't for me, but for others. I guess I could list the things I've tried, but it would make it seem like I'm a lost cause! I've tried, hip-hop/crump dance, jazz dance, 4 years of ballet, tap dance, painting, drawing, pottery, singing, playing guitar, playing the djembe drum, playing the ukulele, playing the harmonica(I only tried that one 3 times, and never again), baking, cooking, paper mashé, learning ASL(American Sign Language), fashion design, jewelry design, makeup stuff(I didn't like it after a while), math at one point(never again!!!), proper ways to clean, learning about different books(even though I haven't read them)... Simply to interact with those book lovers, same goes for movies and TV, there's a lot I haven't seen, but I can somewhat carry on a conversation with the same conviction that the fans of those franchises do. And the list goes on of what I've tried and ended up not really liking. The only things that I refuse to engage in are horror movies, books, and TV, spicy food, sea food, winter sports(other than ice skating), and anything to do with Winston Churchill. Other than that, I really don't know what I enjoy.

So it's summer and the past few school year i have been really burnt out. I got very little sleep, I could barely get out bed i was often overwhelmed and stressed out and i didn't know what to do. There are so many things I want to do this summer with the base line of wanting to improve myself and get out of burnt out. But i didn't really know how to do that. Still don't tbh. So i tried to put some good habits in my routine (waking up naturaly, no screens untill after breakfast, going to bed at around 23 or so, having breakfast outside. And in the last few days i tried to slowly add a few more like reaching my step count and reading just a few pages before bed. And a i tried 'studying' the pages i've read (highlighting and making notes mostly) just cause, no real big reason just cause i found It interessing and i wanted to. And to be fair, It felt good. I felt really good. But today, i didn't do anything in particular. And i woke up at 5 am feeling restless and anxious and like i couldn't breathe. It's currently June the 24th, 6 am, i can't sleep anymore, i feel like i can't breathe tight, everything feels upsetting and too much even going back to sleep Is too hard, but i don't know what to do about It. It just feels so horrible because I felt like this, this tired, this stuck, this horrible and anxious for years now. During and outside school time. And i was getting excited because I thought that It was finally over that this was finally It and that I was finally making progress but i am not. I'm still waking up like this and crying in the middle of the night and i this feel just as bad and i Just feel so stupid because i don't know what Is wrong with me.

My husband cheated with his ex wife before we got married. I found out about a month before the wedding. I went ahead with the marriage because I was blindly in love. They have to talk all the time because they have a young child. I'm ok most of the time but when I have to be around his ex at sports, birthday parties, ect. It weighs on my mind. I start to scrutinize their every interaction.Last week, I was at their daughter's ball game and when she got a runner out, he looked toward his ex to share that moment with her. I've decided to quit going to going to games and this has made him mad. I also compare myself to her. She's taller, thinner, and younger. They have a friendly relationship and it eats me up. He says it's just for their daughters sake. His daughter is 8 and still sucks her thumb. We argue about this too. I want her to stop but it g do odd t bother him. I said it was embarrassing to be with her in public. He says I have mental problems and I'm being immature. What are your thoughts and or suggestions.

My wife, Sarah, and I have been happily married for about a year. We generally get along great, but there’s one problem: Sarah can’t cook. At all. Since the beginning of our marriage, I've always been the one taking care of preparing our meals. Initially, I didn't mind because I actually like to cook. However, as time passed, this task began to exhaust me, particularly after long days at work when I’d have to start cooking dinner while Sarah relaxed. Despite my attempts to encourage her to learn, she insists that being unable to cook is not an issue, which has been a recurring source of tension between us.

Recently, the situation came to a head when my mother visited us for dinner. That evening, I was busy in the kitchen, as usual, getting everything ready. Sarah was chatting with my mom in the dining area. At one point, my mom came into the kitchen to help and asked me if she should take care of the gravy or chop some fruit. My wife happened to be by my side then, so my mom handed her a knife and asked her to help with the fruit while she dealt with the gravy. Sarah struggled with the knife and couldn't even cut the fruit properly, making quite a mess. My mom couldn't help but watch this and blurted out, "It’s honestly kind of pathetic that you don’t even know how to cut a piece of fruit at your age." She then showed Sarah how to cut properly, like you would show a kid.

The whole evening, after that incident, I could tell Sarah was upset. Once my mom had left, Sarah confronted me, upset that I hadn’t defended her. She felt embarrassed that I allowed such a scene to unfold. We argued fiercely, and I ended up pointing out that it indeed was embarrassing for someone her age not to know how to handle basic kitchen tasks. She argued that wasn’t the point, insisting that I should have supported her regardless.

The dispute left us both wondering about the state of our relationship. She thinks I am a huge jerk for not defending her... maybe she’s right?

Imagine if our dilemma was a segment on a reality-TV show. The drama certainly fits the bill—tension, family dynamics, a heated dispute. Reality audiences likely would have strong opinions, picking sides, and debating whether my frustration is justified or if Sarah’s indignation over the incident is more warranted. On TV, our kitchen catastrophe could have sparked a wave of viewer reactions and perhaps even led to some kind of audience vote on our behavior. The whole idea makes me wonder how our dispute would play out in the pubic eye of a television drama.

Would the viewers sympathize more with me or with Sarah? Would they think Sarah should take cooking lessons, or argue that I need to be more patient?

Tonight, my brother invited his girlfriend over for dinner, which turned out to be an unusual evening. My family, being Taiwanese, typically uses chopsticks at meals, and this standard practice was at the center of tonight's drama. This was the first time I was meeting my brother's girlfriend, who is Caucasian, and without thinking much about it, I handed her a pair of training chopsticks while setting the table.

She seemed puzzled at first, then politely thanked me and didn’t make a further comment. I proceeded to finish setting up the table and didn't think much of my action. As we sat down to eat, my sister, who is 19, asked my brother's girlfriend if she had ever used chopsticks before or if she would prefer a fork instead. That’s when the girlfriend revealed, "I'm actually pretty good with chopsticks! I just got handed the training ones for some reason." Suddenly, everyone turned to look at me; I could feel all eyes on me at that moment. All I could muster was a bewildered response stating it seemed like "a logical assumption.”

Feeling the awkward tension, my mom quickly intervened, fetching her regular chopsticks. The dinner continued, but the atmosphere had changed. Later, my mom pulled me aside to quietly express her displeasure. She mentioned that my action might have made my brother’s girlfriend feel unwelcome or under assumption, pointing out that it was embarrassing and urging me to be more considerate in the future.

Imagine if this whole situation played out on a reality show. Picture the cameras zooming in as everyone’s gaze shifts towards me, the slow-motion replay of my confused girlfriend's expression, and the dramatic music as my mother retrieves the regular chopsticks. The viewers would probably be split; some might sympathize with my naive presumption, while others might cringe at the faux pas. No doubt it would make for an engaging episode, filled with awkward dinner scenes and family dynamics, sparking debates and social media buzz about cultural assumptions and personal sensitivities.

So, I think some of read my vent in https://iiwiars.com/school/i-m-a-failure-long-version

And I showed it to my mom. She said it was nonsense of me to keep dragging this now because it already finished 2 days ago. She told me that the family still loves me, and no other family can ever love me the same way. What if she's lying? She said in life you shouldn't feel miserable and still allow yourself to change. I told her I can't change, and that I wish I could be faster because I'm slow compared to many others, but Moomy told me that it doesn't matter and I will still change and be good. What if she's lying? She also said that she can be my friend because she's my mom and so far she's been understanding. What if she's lying? She says that we all have a good time until I remember that we had a horrible argument/misunderstanding the night before, which she said she didn't forget, but she didn't wanna let it define her. What if she's lying? I'm hurt by the argument that day, and I feel like I was turned into a clown-like caricature, a "child creating her own problems to seek attention from others".

Surely I'm Belle Gibson, the Instagram lady who almost convinced the world she had cancer and they believed her genuinely (you should read the website above to know what I mean). My mom said that I shouldn't vent anymore and I should delete the thing, the big paragraphs I showed her, because it's not true. I told her that's not the point of a vent, and she said vents are apparently some stuff "people shove their ass in". Fuck her so much. I told her whenever I get angry, I wanna murder people, like, literally, and she called me a psycho. I told her I should've never said that and kept it in, but for some reason, bloody whore tells me to tell her EVERYTHING because she won't leave me behind! Bitch, you're lying, I know you are! Shut the fuck up, Moomy! Should I even call her that? It sounds wrong. Imagine having your mother as a friend, it'd be humiliating if any of my classmates saw me walk with my mom and brother in malls and not my friends, because I lack them. She told me I was good enough for now and I can improve, but not by "being miserable" because "I'm digging a deep hole I can't get out of".

I know she's been in many hardships, her parents divorced, financial issues, she couldn't have her dream job of being a doctor (she's an engineer now), yet she's never vented, because she's always been positive? That's some anime BS where the main guy says that! BS! I'm not digging a hole, am I? I'm telling the truth. Cynicism and hopelessness works because I'm not chasing fake happiness, I'm seeking the real truth. Again, it's embarrassing I'm having a "friendship" with my Moomy and not another person from class! Who even does that now? I don't even know anyone online! She's lying!

My dad has been struggling through some mental health issues for a while and we have been doing our best to support him (my mother and my siblings ). However my younger sibling caught my dad cheating yesterday night as he was calling and texting with another lady. My parents have been married for around 30 years. I feel like throwing up. My dad isn’t a bad father, we always looked up to him because of his strong personality but none of us can even look at him now anymore. He keeps apologizing and keeps saying that he did it because of his mental health issues but what kind of an excuse is that? He broke all of our trust, we never expected this from him. How does one even cope with this? All we have been doing is crying and feeling numb the entire day. I feel so bad for my mom, we can’t even leave as we are financially dependent on him.

What a nice father’s day I guess.

My journey all started when I got knee surgery for my meniscus tear. In this story my empire was destroyed only to be rebuilt with unstable ruble.

I was an active person before my injury working out 14 hours a week and eating a well balanced diet, I got at least 8 or more hours of sleep each night. I also had all A’s in my classes and a wonderful group of friends. Overall my life was stable and perfect in all aspects. When I tore my meniscus and got the surgery I was still resilient and hopeful for a couple months after. I went to physical therapy every week and was progressing more than the average person would. It wasn’t until March that the downers of life started catching up to me. I was starting to get burnt out from school since I had to make up for the weeks I was recovering. I also felt more depressed. At the end of the school year things really lightened up. I got on an antidepressant called sertraline, However I never took the medication because I had the idea that it would mess with me. Day after day I skipped my medication and it finally became summer break. And not even a week into summer break I just broke down. Apparently my mind was on its last stilt and just fell and all the stress came crashing down with it. I started having symptoms like mood swings and suicidal thoughts. So my psychiatrist put me on abilify to stabilize my mood because it switched often. My mood swings were from crying to feeling like I was the coolest person on the planet, this would happen a couple times a day. I soon had my first visit to a mental hospitable due to suicidal actions. Once I finished my stay my psychiatrist took me off sertraline and put me on cymbalta. I actually took cymbalta, however another symptom showed up and I started to have extreme anxiety at the start of July. Everything seemed like they were trying to keep me in this dream called life and the only way I could end it was by killing myself. I also started to take substances like nutmeg and LSA. I felt really unstable in life. I then started a php program that was short lived before going to the mental hospital for my second stay. At the mental hospital I started prazosin and trazodone. I was also diagnosed with derealization and depersonalization By August things started to get better but I started to notice I couldn’t control my actions and impulses as well anymore, I didn’t feel like I was my usual stable self anymore. In an attempt to get a thrill and escape I took a plant called Datura on five different occasions. The drug put me into a place of delirium that felt confusing yet safe. Soon my parents found out and stopped me from taking it again. I was still struggling till the middle of September. I took 62 pills of benadryl to get the same delirium I had on Datura. I continued taking benadryl till my parents noticed my pupils dilated. Then the next day they sent me to the mental hospital again. When I got out I continued life, still struggling. I also seemed to gain 90 pounds in three months. My psychiatrist was at the point where they were about to diagnose me with Borderline personality disorder. However me and my family decided to send me to a residential school in California before anything could happen and take off the school semester. At the residential we found out that I had Hypothyroidism and was put on lamictal and thyroxine. After staying at the residence for 2 months I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. When I got home I was put into a php where at some point I ended up eating a benadryl ointment cream as a last resort to get that delirium. The next day it was found out cause I was acting weird. Thankfully they didn’t send me to the mental hospital. I soon finished php and moved on to Iop. This was the time school started. In the first week of school I decided to drink 300mg of caffeine a night to see what happens and then decided to not sleep for three days due to nightmares. At this point I was starting to go into a psychosis believing I was meant to be schizophrenic in my next life so I should kill myself. The world also started to glitch and I felt Euphoric as hell. However, I decided to sleep on Thursday to Saturday and then decided to try staying up for 5 days on Sunday. I am now finishing night two while writing this. All being said, I truly hate myself right now. My feelings for myself switch from feeling like I am superior to everyone to feeling like I am unlovable and I hate myself. I honestly hate my personality so much to the point I want to actually commit suicide. I don’t know if this is a personality disorder or if I am just actually stupid or crazy. I used to have this stable personality but now my personality is reckless and moody. If anybody relates to this please tell me because I don’t want to be alone in this. (I'm not necessarily looking for a diagnosis I am just looking for others experience similar to mine)

It’s not even like I woke up one morning and thought that... but yeah, I don't really know who I am anymore right now... It was a slow, agonizing realization, one that gnawed at the edges of my mind every damn day, like a relentless parasite. I’ve given up so much of myself for this relationship. My personality, my interests, my humor, my own fucking preferences. I remember how I used to laugh at stupid things, how I loved blasting heavy metal in the car and feeling the bass rumble through my chest. Now, I sit there in silence, pretending to enjoy his godawful indie playlists because, apparently, that's what "we" do. Do you see the irony? I don’t even know who I am because I’ve been eroded, worn down like some fucking rock in a stream. One little compromise at a time, I traded myself for this empty façade of “us.” But what about me?

I don’t even recognize my face in the mirror anymore. I used to wear bold makeup, vivid colors that made me feel fierce and powerful. Now, it’s all muted tones, subtle pinks, and nudes. Why? Because he said it was more “natural.” Natural? Who gives a shit? I used to stand up for myself, used to call people out on their bullshit, but now I find myself swallowing my anger like it’s some bitter pill I have to take just to keep the peace. I hate myself for it. I hate that I’ve become this quiet, compliant version of myself, a woman I’d probably roll my eyes at if I met her. And the worst part? He probably thinks I’m “happy” like this. Well, fuck that. I’m not happy. I’m trapped in a persona I created to survive this relationship, and I’m suffocating in it. How the hell did I get here?

I tried to claw my way back to who I was. I picked up my guitar again, the one I used to play every day before this relationship turned my world into a grayscale. But the strings felt foreign under my fingers. I couldn’t even remember the chords to my favorite song. It was like trying to speak a language I used to be fluent in but had completely forgotten. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? To lose not just your interests but the muscle memory of who you used to be? It’s like my brain was reprogrammed, overwritten by his preferences, his needs, his fucking whims. And the scary thing is, I let it happen. Bit by bit, I chipped away at myself until there was nothing left but a hollow echo of the woman I used to be. And he didn’t even notice, or worse, he noticed and liked it.

Sometimes, I lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering what the fuck I’m doing. Who am I? Am I even a person anymore, or just some prop in his perfectly curated life? I fantasize about walking out the door, slamming it behind me, and reclaiming my fucking soul. But then I think about the logistics—where would I go, what would I do, how would I even start over? I feel like a ghost, haunting a life I never agreed to live, and I don’t know how to escape. I don’t want your sympathy. I don’t even want advice. I just want to scream into the void: I don’t know who I am anymore. And maybe, just maybe, if I scream loud enough, the real me might hear it and claw her way back. Or maybe she’s already gone. Who knows? 🖕

I'm a graduating student this year but the college I'm attending is combined with its own high school, elementary and daycare. It gets pretty hectic during school events but on weeks with regular agenda, it's mainly a shitshow waiting to happen.

Apart from having innocent professors get blame for fuckery they didn't do, the classes are downright useless and a waste of time. The instructors are awesome but their subjects need to go to hell.

But what really takes the cake right now is its most recent nightmare fuel: receiving only one day of no classes (when it's supposed to be three) after the school games that stole everybody's Saturday and Sunday wrapped up.

In case it wasn't clear enough, this school is run by a Catholic reverend so you can tell he's a royal pain in everybody's ass. If you are truly devoted to beliefs, this guy can inspire you to turn your back on all of that and be an atheist. I swear, he's such a fucking joke that isn't funny.

Apparantly, the school games weren't good enough for his pompous ass because nobody was cheering until their voices were hoarse and because the events themselves didn't receive as much praise as he wanted. So, as punishment, we only got Monday free and then classes resume immediately.

My birthday celebration falls on that date, which is what pisses me off. I was promised Monday, Tuesday and fucking Wednesday off but leave it to Mr. Holy Water to fuck up the plans. What a waste of a good fucking outfit and a good fucking time with friends. I hope that alcoholic son of a bitch takes his blessed microphone and stick it up his Oh-So-Holy ass.

Can't wait to graduate and get the fuck out of this hellhole. I can only have fun with friends at a limited time, because every single fucking meeting or event requires attendance sheets. Every absence will cost you money.

FUCK THE SCHOOL, FUCK THE DIRECTOR, FUCK HIS PUBLICITY, FUCK EVERYTHING HE STANDS.

Some days, I sit at the kitchen table when everyone’s gone to bed, and I just let myself breathe for a moment. It’s quiet, finally, but my mind is anything but. I love my family more than anything, but honestly, it’s hard. Really hard. People don’t talk enough about how challenging it is to keep everything together. I have three kids, all different ages, all with different needs, and a husband who works long hours. Most days, I feel like I’m juggling too many things at once—laundry, homework, grocery lists, dentist appointments, making sure the little one eats something besides pasta for the third day in a row. And while I’m grateful to have them, I sometimes feel like I’m disappearing in the middle of all this. Like I’m no longer “me,” just “mom,” the one who’s supposed to fix everything.

There’s also the emotional stuff, the things that don’t get posted on Facebook or shared in group chats. The tantrums, the teenage silence, the worries about if we’re raising them right. My oldest is starting to pull away, and I know it’s normal, but it still stings. He used to tell me everything. Now it’s just shrugs and “nothing, mom.” And my middle child—she’s so sensitive, so emotional lately. I worry I’m not giving her enough attention. The baby still wakes up at night sometimes, and I’m just… exhausted. But I keep going, because that’s what moms do, right? We keep going. But inside, I worry all the time. Am I doing enough? Am I messing them up somehow? Am I being a good wife while trying to be a good mom? Because some days, it feels like I’m failing at both.

Money’s tight, too, and that brings a whole different kind of stress. It’s not just about affording big things like vacations or new clothes, it’s the small stuff. School fees, birthday gifts for classmates, a pair of shoes that suddenly don’t fit anymore. I find myself up at night trying to plan out the next month’s bills, wondering if we’ll make it to the next paycheck without dipping into savings again. My husband does his best, he works hard, but sometimes I wish we talked more about how all of this is affecting us. I can tell he’s tired too, but we rarely sit down and really talk. We’re just passing each other, getting through the days. And I miss him. I miss us. But even when I want to bring it up, I don’t know how without making it sound like I’m complaining, so I keep it in. I keep everything in.

Despite all of it, I try to stay hopeful. I try to find small joys—the way my daughter hugs me when she’s sleepy, the silly jokes my son still makes when he forgets to be “too cool,” the way my husband reaches for my hand in the dark when he thinks I’m already asleep. It’s not perfect, not even close. But it’s ours. These family challenges, as draining and frustrating as they are, also remind me that we’re still here, still showing up for each other, even in the mess. And maybe that’s enough right now. Maybe it’s okay that I don’t have it all figured out. Maybe part of being a family is learning how to get through the hard stuff together, even when you feel like everything’s falling apart. I just wish someone told me how heavy it could feel some days. But even so, I wouldn’t trade it. Not for a second.

Growing up, my life was shaped significantly by my parents' decision to become foster parents. At 34, I can recognize the admiration such a path deserves—they sought to provide a lifeline for children who desperately needed support and a stable home. Yet, through their benevolence toward others, I often found myself sidelined. They branded me as self-sufficient, someone who didn't require as much attention, which in reality meant that I often went unnoticed.

This sense of neglect extended to the smaller joys of childhood, such as gifts. Presents meant for me from my grandparents quickly became communal assets within our bustling foster home. However, my grandparents noticed this imbalance and shifted their approach by giving me experiences instead of tangible gifts. I have fond memories of trips to Disneyland with my paternal grandparents and exciting visits to New York City thanks to my maternal grandparents.

When presented with this solution, my parents attempted to redirect the funds set aside for these trips to household expenses, but I pleaded with my grandparents to keep things as they were. This was one of the few areas of my life where I felt I could retain some sense of personal priority.

By the age of 17, I had already moved out. I completed high school early and entered a trade—thanks to some help from my grandfather, a union member. It's been 17 years since then, and I've constructed a stable life for myself.

My parents, on the other hand, continue to struggle. The physical, emotional, and financial toll of caregiving for foster children has left them worn and in dire straits, despite the subsidies they receive. Recently, they reached out to me for financial help. However, I declined, knowing any assistance might likely be funneled towards the foster children still in their care rather than addressing their own needs.

In response, my mom expressed profound disappointment, lamenting that she expected more from me considering how they raised me. I couldn’t help but retort that from an early age, I largely had to fend for myself. Even my grandparents, who have always been supportive, now find themselves financially drained, partly due to loans given to my parents over the years.

My wife sympathizes with my standpoint but believes that my refusal may be too harsh. Meanwhile, my mom accuses me of harboring childhood resentments, and I’ve ceased communication with my dad, presuming he continues his old habits of repurposing my belongings for the foster kids.

In a hypothetical scenario on a reality show, this dynamic would likely stir a range of reactions from the audience. Some might sympathize with my decision to safeguard my financial stability and recognize my need for independence from a family dynamic that often overlooked my needs. Others might view my actions as vindictive or overly harsh, suggesting that family should support one another regardless of past grievances.