Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

My mom has NEVER been caring or even considerate towards others since I was little, even then, I believe I only remember her that way because most children under the age of 5 cling to their mother's hip.

My mother was a hardcore drug addict up until my little brother was born (I was 4) and she was forced into rehab so she could get treatment for the cancer they discovered in her thyroid during that pregnancy. My newborn brother and I lived with my nana during that time. When my mother returned, we moved. My mother has had a pattern of constant moving most of my life, up until the age of 9.

My mom after cancer treatment was different. She's never been the same since that, not that I can remember it well. My mom became aggressive towards me, often pinning blame on me, and constantly raising her voice, she switched to constant alcohol consumption in place of the drugs. My mom became a revolving door, men came in, and went out just as quickly, most of them, if not all of them, were losers as well. Slowly over the years she's stepped further and further away from me.

If we skip ahead to when I was about 11, my mother started seeing a new guy, another loser. Soon enough, she gets pregnant with my younger sister, and the guy my mom is with leaves in the blink of an eye.

In her 9 months of pregnancy, my mom got with two other men, both of them constantly staying in the home. The second of the two stuck around, he stuck around for 3 years, but that didn't make him any better than the rest. He was verbally abusive, to me, and my 7 year old brother. My mom didn't bat an eye, saying it was "plain discipline". We would get screamed at and spat at if we forgot to open the curtains during the day or missed a spot while sweeping. It only got worse.

I used to be ahead of everyone in my classes. I was smart, now I struggle to pass classes below my grade level. I was smart until my mom and her boyfriend made me stay home from school, sometimes for weeks at a time, so that they could go out all day, with no care about my newborn sister or I. I was 12 and I was the primary caregiver for a newborn baby. My resentment towards my mother didn't just grow during that time, it had multiplied by the minute. It reached it's peak at some unmemorable point in my life. I lashed out, getting physical with her and admitting my hatred flat out. I don't remember what happened after that, but it was only a mental decline from there.

I started to neglect my sister when she was in my care, not causing her harm, but letting her cry for a few minutes before trying to calm her. I would neglect my younger brother as well, often cussing at him and stepping on his stuffed animals. I would be reprimanded when my mom an her boyfriend got home, but at that point, I didn't care. I was already upset, a bit of yelling only made me cry, I grew used to it.

Me and my brother changed drastically in those few years until my mom eventually broke up with that boyfriend and kicked him out. My mom only broke up with him because he started to lash out at her. She still keeps him around though, making him pay to see my sister, who isn't even her biological father. It's sickening. She's had multiple boyfriends since then, most I can't remember.

As much as I hate to admit it, I find myself jealous of my younger sister, who is now 5 as I write this. I feel upset by her situation as well though, and my brothers. It is of my mothers accord that I have no father figure, she cheated on him 2 weeks before they were supposed to marry. She was 7 months pregnant with me at the time.

My younger brother, and sister especially, grew close to my mothers ex, both of them starting to grow close as he continued to pay for visitations. He tried to be there for me as well, and I admired him for that, though I never clicked with him. He changed, becoming caring and kind, a real dad to my siblings. My mom never changed.

When I was about 16, my mom kicked me out and I moved into a room in my nana's friend's house. I had to live off old peanut butter and bathroom tap water the entire time, until recent, when I got a cheap dive apartment.

Eventually, without warning, my mom cut her ex out of all our lives, including mine, replacing him with what she wanted me to accept as a father figure, a familiar face. The man my mom had cheated on my father with. Apparently the guy (who we'll call J) was divorcing his wife of 10 years, and got back with my mom, moving in with her and my siblings. It's cruel. I know my mom only cut he ex out of my siblings lives because she thinks J is going to be upset with her, and possibly leave her, for still having her ex around.

Now she's begging me to come home, saying J misses me. He left her when I was two. I don't know him.

My entire family, excluding my little sister, hates my mother. We all know what she is. She a self-centered, filthy excuse for a woman.

Recent examples to justify my personal distaste towards my mother include :

When I left mainstream school and got put into alternative school because of constant bullying and harassment. At the interview with the principal of the alternative school, my mom constantly spoke over him, making it hard for me to hear what he was saying. She turned the 20 minute interview into a 2 hour interview by not allowing me to speak, answering the principals question for me with incorrect answers, all while using her fake sweet and professional voice. She spent most of the time rambling on about how she was a cancer survivor, a single mom, and how she was going back to school for a social work degree. The principal had to reminder her multiple times that he was interviewing me, not her.

Another example is when I booked my own appointment at my GP's office to discuss my meds and get an up on my dose. My mom called me while I was leaving, wanting me to come over and babysit. She asked what I was doing, and when I told her I was leaving the GP's office because I just got my dose increased she snapped at me, saying I made her look like a bad mother and I need to tell her these things (I was living with my nana at the time by the way. I rarely spoke to my mom at the time unless she needed me to lend her money or babysit).

I feel upset when I see my sister because she's grown into a little version of my mother, and my mom's killing her. My mom blames everything but herself, saying my sister must have a genetic disorder. My mom feeds my sister to keep her quiet. My sister weighs over 100lbs at the age of 5, she has leg issues due to this, as well as respiratory and cardiological issues. She's slowly dying, and my mom fails to acknowledge that, too occupied with herself.

My mother angers me, and I need to express that. My mother ruined me.

Today is Sun, why the heck did that damn woman ask me NOW? She has 5 other days on the week to ask. She even texted. I can understand emails. Why TEXT? She asked for access to download the transcript of the meeting that SHE recorded. If she wants to work on that thing now, that's her own damn business.

I can ignore her, but this time I am mad.

I'm first time mom, my kid is sick, she is much much more difficult than usual.

My sister has been going through a rough time. Her ex did nonconsensual things to her and hit her. He is a big member in the club we are both in. I have been having a tough time with feeling angry. I have been mad multiple times over this, but my sister has been quick to swipe away what happened, and they have been amicable so far. I think that what he did was horrible and wrong and I wish it didn't happen to her. My view of him shifts a lot and I was trying to show him love at first because my sister was trying to move past it. However she has been switching on if she likes him or hates him, or whatever. And I have to listen to all this and try my best to give good advice however she shuts down on me a lot. She has recently been telling a lot of his friends about what happened. But, I think the thing that makes this so hard is that she used to hurt me. When we were younger she used to hit me for being out of line and she would do non-consensual things to me too. I never fully healed from all of this, and it makes it difficult to navigate this situation. I love her ofc, but only until recently have I stopped being on edge around her. It's always in the back of my mind and I hate that it is, because she isn't like that anymore. She was hurting and took it out on me. We've talked about it before and she agreed we both did wrong.. but I never knew about sexual things until she forced it on me. I'm struggling to be there for her when she is switching her mind every second. I'm also afraid she will hurt me.. she hasn't in a decade but it's still a fear, even if irrational. Everyone's telling me "What your sister is going through must be so hard on you." I'm struggling to feel empathy for her, probably because I just swept everything under the rug. I know she shouldn't but I'm struggling to understand why she can't. Today a guy told the ex to back off and not to contact her.. but she has been contacting him. "It must be so hard on you." It is, but for different reasons and no one can ever know about those reasons. I have 3 cans of alc with me and I'm thinking of drinking them. My dad was a drinker so maybe I've got the gene. I tried to tell some friends without being clear but they didn't pick up that today was a rough time for me. SO I just feel so lost and disgusting. I don't want to hear about what she has been through anymore and I want to block it all out. But I'm just having a hard time, because that's wrong, I should be there for her. Then again this isn't about me and I should probably just suck it up. I could barley get through her retelling it to someone else. I had this feeling of almost possessiveness.. she pours all her grief on me and she can just tell other people like it's nothing? Idk why that makes me feel so angry. I'm not sure what to do. If you have any advice I can give her that would help.

honestly, idk how i even got here. i remember bein little and my parents tellin everyone how great i was gonna be, how i was the future star, how i was totally gonna make it big and get a scholarship for sports. they always said it so proud, u kno? like they just KNEW i was gonna be somebody special. i used to believe em too, cuz like why wouldn't i? theyre my parents, right? they always seemed to know everythin. but now im 17, bout to finish highschool and the truth is i aint good enough. like i tried, i swear i tried so hard, practice every single day, pushin myself, stayin late after practice when everyone else left, but i never got faster, never got stronger, never became the athlete everyone thought id become. now the letters from colleges never came. the scouts stopped comin to the games. and its like i let everyone down so hard that i cant even look em in the eye anymore.

my parents are straight up mean now. its like since they realized im not gonna get that scholarship, im worthless. they barely talk to me anymore, unless its to yell at me or remind me how much time and money they "wasted" on me. i mean, i kno they did sacrifice a lot, im not stupid, i kno that equipment and travel and camps cost money and they spent so much on me, but like… idk man, was that the only reason they cared? did they just want some kinda trophy kid they could brag about to their friends? cuz now its like theyre ashamed of me or sumthin. dinner at our house is silent. if i try talkin, they either ignore me or give me short answers. my dad used to come to every game, now he acts like its a burden to even look at me. my mom cries sometimes but not like she sad for me, more like shes embarrassed of me. its like im not their kid anymore, just some failure that lives under their roof.

the worst part is that i actually started believin them. like when they first started sayin stuff like how im lazy or not tryin hard enough, i fought back, i argued, told em i was doin my best. but now im thinkin maybe theyre right. maybe i didnt push myself as hard as i couldve. maybe if id stayed longer, ran faster, lifted more weights, maybe id actually be worth somethin. the coaches stopped givin me special attention cuz i wasnt improvin like other guys on the team. my teammates still cool to me, but i feel like they pity me or sumthin, like im the guy who almost made it but didnt. i feel like everyone looks at me differently now. im not that guy everyone cheered for, im the guy they feel sorry for, the guy who couldnt deliver. the guy who let everyone down. honestly, it hurts more than anything else cuz i used to be so confident. i used to walk on the field thinkin i was gonna show everyone how great i was. now, i walk on the field wishin i could just disappear.

every day now feels heavy. like i wake up and dread havin to go downstairs and see the disappointment on my parents faces again. i dread goin to school cuz ppl still ask bout college and scholarships and i gotta keep makin up excuses why i didnt get one yet. some days i just wanna quit everythin and hide in my room forever. my grades slipped too cuz i spent all my time tryna be a better athlete instead of studyin, thinkin sports was gonna carry me. now i dont got good grades, i dont got a scholarship, and i feel stuck. like my whole future just vanished and i got nowhere to go. its scary, man. i had it all planned out. everyone else had it planned out for me too. now im just floatin around wonderin what im supposed to do next.

i kno ppl say life aint over at 17, that theres more out there, more opportunities or whatever. but its hard to believe that right now. its hard to feel hopeful when ur own parents look at u like ur their biggest mistake. i never wanted to disappoint anyone, especially not them. they always told me sports was gonna be my ticket to a better life. now i got no ticket, just a bunch of broken dreams. i wanna believe it gets better, i wanna believe someday theyll forgive me for not bein who they wanted me to be, and that ill forgive myself for not bein who i thought id become. but right now, i just feel like a total failure. i guess all i can do is hope someday i stop feelin this way, cuz honestly it sucks, and i wish i knew how to fix it.

Please excuse my grammar, english isn't my native language.

In a few months I will be graduating high-school and it's dawning on me that I'll have to say goodbye to all my friends when I move to college. The thing is, while I certainly consider them friends, I don't feel that close with them if that makes sense. I'm part of their circle but I feel like I'm always in the background, laughing at someone else's jokes, trying to fit in. I might even be forgotten about sometimes as I'm rarely invited to gatherings unless I'm already there. I'm well liked in my class, I have a reputation for being uncontrovertial, but I'm never the first person to get invited to hangouts or whatever plans they have. I know I'm atleast partially to blame, I'm shy and I get uncomfortable when sharing things about myself with other people, even things I enjoy. I don't find myself having much in common with the people around me in terms of interests either. As a result I struggle to start conversations or talk about anything other than academics. Looking back at my life now, it's always been this way. I become friends with whoever is physically nearby, then I become an afterthought when the school year ends. I really envy the bonds that other people people have with their friends.

I'm 24 and have been eagerly planning my spring wedding. One of my bridesmaids, who also happens to be my childhood best friend and is 22, has always been a big part of my life. Our personalities aren’t much alike; she’s much more sheltered and deeply religious compared to me. Five months ago, she started dating her first serious boyfriend and they're quite serious about each other, partly because he shares her religious beliefs and background. It’s quite likely they’ll end up married too, since they were each other’s first serious romantic partners.

In weddings, typically the bridal party pairs up, walking down the aisle and entering the reception together. However, my friend expressed a concern to me: she feels it would be disrespectful to her relationship if she were to walk with one of the groomsmen. Instead, she proposed that her boyfriend walk with her during these key moments—just walk with her then return to his seat, not actually be a part of the wedding party itself.

Honestly, I find this request a bit odd and I'm leaning towards saying no because it might disrupt the flow and traditional appearance of the wedding procession and reception introductions. Although I don’t believe her boyfriend suggested this idea, it does seem aligned with her own values, yet I can't shake off feeling that this could create an awkward situation. If I refuse, I suspect she won’t back out from her role as a bridesmaid, but it might strain our relationship as she could think I'm not respecting her relationship.

What's puzzling is how to handle this situation delicately without causing a fuss. If this were some sort of reality show drama, you'd expect the cameras zooming in as I navigate this friendship-testing dilemma. How would the audience react to each decision? Would they side with tradition or personal respect for her relationship? The pressure would definitely be amped up with public opinion thrown into the mix!

In a situation like this, how would you handle it if you were being watched by an audience? Would you stick to wedding traditions or customize the procession to respect your friend's relationship?

Yesterday, I ventured out to a Vietnamese eatery and decided to order a bowl of the traditional noodle dish “Pho”. I made a point to ask the staff to skip the spring onions since I really can't stand them - it’s not an allergy, I just dislike their flavor intensely. When I was younger, around the age of 10, my mother made numerous attempts to get me accustomed to eating spring onions because she didn't want me to be fussy with food. Unfortunately, each attempt ended with me feeling sick.

However, despite my specific request, my dish arrived dotted with spring onions. This was not the first time this issue occurred at this restaurant; last time I ended up picking the onions out by myself. After that experience, the noodles were too soggy from soaking up the broth and the overall flavor was compromised. This time around, I opted to not repeat the ordeal. I politely called over the server, explained the situation and handed back my bowl to have it corrected. The server was understanding and took it back to the kitchen, asking me to patiently wait for a corrected bowl.

In contrast, my sister immediately voiced her frustration, pointing out my fussiness especially since the restaurant was quite busy. She argued that I should have just dealt with the unwanted onions rather than causing additional trouble and potentially wasting food. Her comments certainly made the remainder of the meal uncomfortable.

Reflecting on the situation, I can't help but wonder if maybe I did overreact slightly, especially since I had been having a really tough week and might not have been in the best state of mind. However, I'd genuinely appreciate others' thoughts on this. Was I really being unreasonable?

Imagine if this incident had taken place on a reality TV show, with cameras capturing every moment and audiences tuning in from their homes. The tension and drama would certainly be heightened. Viewers might sympathize with my aversion to onions or they might align with my sister, viewing me as overly particular or disruptive. It's interesting to ponder whether public opinion would sway in my favor or if I'd be criticized for my insistence on removing a simple ingredient.

hey folks, thanks for stopping by this little corner of the internet. so, who else has been in the same boat after a breakup and is like, “what the heck now?” 🤔 because seriously, figuring out how to find peace after it all is like solving a puzzle sometimes. i’ve been there and i know how it feels to be stuck feeling like a broken record with no impressive solutions in sight. but don't stress because finding closure is totally possible.

so, here’s the thing: closure, in my experience, starts with acknowledging your emotions. you might wanna try just sitting with whatever you’re feeling – it might be anger, sadness, relief, or just plain numbness. and let me tell you, it’s all valid. it’s okay not to be okay initially, you know? perhaps think of it like when you’re listening to a song that resonates with your mood – you’re vibing with it, but you know there’s another track waiting after. embracing the moment and recognizing that those feelings are part of your journey can really help set the stage for healing. it’s all about allowing yourself to feel – no judgment, no rush.

once you’ve processed some of those initial emotions, reaching out to friends or family can be a total game-changer. talking things out can provide clarity and even some laughs as you realize you’re not the only one who’s ever experienced a breakup. and don’t forget to dive into things you love doing – it could be as simple as re-watching your favorite series, diving into a good book, or picking up a hobby that you’ve neglected for a while. i've found that focusing on my own interests helped me foster a new sense of normalcy and made things a bit less overwhelming. are you finding time for the things that make you happy lately?

speaking of self-care, this is absolutely your moment to shine and be your own best friend. you know how people say, “treat yo’self?” well, now’s the time to actually do it. indulge in a little pampering, sleep in, or whip up a meal that makes you smile. taking care of yourself physically and mentally is like building a foundation for a healthier future. keep in mind that healing isn’t linear – some days you'll feel on top of the world, and others, maybe not so much. and that’s perfectly okay! remember, closure doesn’t mean forgetting the past; it’s more about accepting it and letting it be part of your story without it defining you.

ultimately, when it all boils down, closure isn’t a checklist but more of an ongoing process. with time, you’ll be able to look back at your relationship and see it not just as an ending but as a part of your overall growth. were there lessons learned? ways you could grow into an even better version of yourself? take these insights and carry them forward with you. embracing this perspective can be incredibly liberating, and trust me, it can offer a sense of peace that’ll make the journey worthwhile. so, what’s one thing you’re taking away from your journey towards finding closure?

I'm having a hard time, promise.. it feels overwhelming. I thought if you were a teacher, at least you were the boss. etc. I'll go back to sleep soon.

Last week, I impulsively decided to run a marathon with only a week's notice after learning I needed surgery on my rotator cuff. Since I couldn't engage in my favorite hobby, climbing, I've been supplementing with some casual running. Previously, I'd participated in a handful of races, including a marathon which I hadn't really trained for, so I figured why not try again? It seemed like a good way to stay active and feel accomplished as I geared up for my procedure.

A buddy of mine had also planned to run this marathon. Interestingly, she hadn't trained until it was almost time for the event. I thought it would be fun if we took on the challenge at a leisurely pace together. Throughout the week as I was hunting down a race bib, I kept updating her about my plans to join. She seemed okay with it until I finally secured a bib and shared my last-minute participation news on Facebook. That’s when things took a turn for the worse. She lashed out, claiming that the marathon was "her thing” and that by joining and posting about it, I was overshadowing her own efforts. She accused me of trying to steal her thunder, which was never my intention; I genuinely thought it would be nice to support each other.

On race day, we lost touch after just the first mile. I tried reaching out several times via text and calls but got no response. Hours later, she called back, way behind me, demanding I wait for her. Choosing to continue at my own pace, I politely declined, which she took as further evidence of me being a self-centered friend.

She didn't take it well that I was ahead, and, in an upset state, she quit at mile 16, taking a shortcut to finish with a better time than mine. I ended up finishing in 6 hours and 15 minutes, feeling proud of my achievement despite the circumstances.

Post-race, she remained adamant that I had intruded on her territory by running and has even withdrawn her offer to assist me post-surgery, claiming she felt betrayed. Her insistence that she "owns" running seems unreasonable to me, but perhaps I overlooked something in my approach.

If this whole situation unfolded in a reality show, I wonder how the audience would react. Would they sympathize with my desire to stay active and accomplish personal goals, or would they see me as the villain for stepping into what my friend considered her special domain? Reality shows thrive on conflict and resolution, so this drama could potentially be a pivotal storyline, drawing viewers to take sides and speculate on our motives and actions.

Am I wrong to have run the marathon, despite my friend’s claim on it as her own?

i don’t even know why I’m so nervous after all these years, maybe because I’m 54 now and everything feels more fragile, even the things I thought I had figured out. I’ve been working in this company for more than 20 years, through restructurations, new managements, endless workflow updates and all the “as per our last email” nonsense that comes with corporate life. and now that I finally have something for myself, my little office at home, the massage table set up, the kinesiology charts pinned on the wall, my magnets sorted in a drawer like some kind of treasure chest, I’m scared stiff of telling my boss I’m quiting. Isn’t that stupid? after two decades of performance reviews, KPI check-ins, regular compliance training and being told I’m “a strong asset”, I should be able to say one simple thing: “I’m leaving.” But he likes the job I do, he always says it, sometimes I even think he relies too much on me. And he doesn’t believe in kinesiology at all, he once called it “that body energy thingy you see on TV” and laughed. So how do I bring this up without sounding like I’ve lost my mind, or like I’m running away from the whole production chain just to go hug crystals ✨?

The weirdest thing is, I’m not unsure about the choice itself. I’m ready. really ready. I’ve read so many books, done trainings, passed exams, practiced on friends, even did a few sessions with co-workers who were brave enough to let me test muscle responses on them. One of them told me, “Honestly, it kinda worked,” which is still my favorite feedback ever. I’ve been doing the logistics too, registering my activity, checking insurance requirements, planning the client intake forms, trying to figure out how to explain muscle testing without sounding like a witch. everything is in place, even the scent diffuser that smells like eucalyptus went crazy last night for some reason. And yet, I freeze every time I imagine the conversation with my boss. He’s not a bad guy, just very...pragmatick. “Evidence-based or nothing,” he told me once when we were talking about stress. I know he’ll look at me like I told him I’m leaving to go join a circus. Should I try small talk first? Should I just say it straight? have you ever had to quit a job when the person in charge thinks your next career is bogus; because that’s exactly my situation and I feel like I’m rehearsing a script that won’t sound right no matter what?

Another part of me still remembers the early days when I was doing data-entry and he was still learning the ropes himself. there was this one time, during a big audit, where I stayed until midnight to help clean up the regulatory documentatoin, and he told everyone the next day, “She saved our asses.” That stuck with me for years, maybe too much. maybe that’s why I feel like announcing my departure is like betraying some old unwriten pact. But I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying about whether someone else is disappointed because I want to follow my own path. I’ve spent over two decades dealing with supply chain anomalies, preparing monthly reports, making sure the backoffice processes don’t collapse over a missing signature, and honestly it’s enough. My body is tired. My shoulders are constantly tight. last winter, I kept thinking, “If I’m helping everyone else stay on track, who’s helping me?” That was the moment I knew something had to change, even if the change made no sens to anyone else. My sister even told me, “At your age, people slow down, not start new weird careers.” But I’m not slowing down, I’m redirecting. Isn’t that allowed?

So now I’m drafting the resignatoin letter, with typos everywhere because my hands are shaking like an idiot. I wrote, “Thank you for the opprotunity,” and didn’t even correct it yet. maybe it shows how human this all is. Maybe it’s fine. The real challenge is deciding whether to explain everything or keep it short. Do I say “I’m becoming a kinesiologist and magnetizer,” or do I just say “pursuing a personnal project”? I keep hearing his voice saying, “We need you in the Q3 cycle,” and I know the timing sucks, but if I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it. life isn’t waiting for the perfect slot in the operational calendar; and neither am I. I keep thinking of that line from a book I read years ago: “Sometimes the door is open, but you have to be the one who walks through.” So maybe that’s what I’ll do. maybe I’ll sit down in his office, smile politely, and say, “I need to talk to you about something important.” And then I’ll just breathe and hope the world doesn’t fall appart. After all, if I can help clients align their energies, surely I can survive telling one man I’m moving on. Right?

So I'm at school right now and this week is my last full week of not only 8th grade or middle school but also my last full week at the school I've been at my whole life (past information: I moved to my state I'm in when I was 6 and been here more than most my life) Note: My school is Elementary and middle school (kindergarten-4th, 5th-8th) It's weird that I'm about to be at the end of a chapter in my life. am I even ready for this? I'm also scared to go into high-school cuz I'm worried I have to start fresh and make new friends which I struggled with when I first moved here. I don't want to lose the friends I've gained. but I'm excited because the people in the area are really nice and I love the high school. its like..I'm finally starting my life. for real this time......win or lose.

i hate that i still think about him every damn day. like seriously, what the actual hell is wrong with me?? it’s been almost a year now, and yet my brain still plays back the same damn memories like a broken-ass record. we broke up for good reasons—he was selfish, emotionally unavailable, and let’s be real, kinda manipulative—but here i am, stuck on this dude like he was the love of my damn life. i know better!! i tell myself all the time that it’s not love anymore, it’s just habit, it’s just comfort, blah blah blah, but none of that seems to help when i see something that reminds me of him and i instantly feel like shit. and what pisses me off the most is that he’s probably doing great, not even sparing me a single thought, while i’m out here spiraling over some random t-shirt he left at my place or that stupid playlist we used to drive around to. 😒

i’ve tried everything. blocking him didn’t help, just made me feel more pathetic because i still checked his socials through a fake account. going out with friends works... for like five minutes until someone mentions his name or something vaguely related and boom, my brain’s back in hell. even dated other guys and guess what? they all felt like filler characters in a story that’s already ended. like i was just going through the motions. one of them even told me i wasn’t really present and yeah, no shit dude. i’m trying but it’s like i’m stuck in emotional cement. and don’t get me wrong, i don’t miss how he made me feel like i was never enough or the stupid games he played when he was “too busy” to call. i miss the small, dumb shit like how he always brought me red bull without asking or how he said my name when he was half asleep. isn’t that just sick?? how can i know someone’s bad for me and still crave their attention like some love-starved idiot???

so yeah, tell me this—why the f*ck can’t i get over him?? is there some switch i forgot to flip? am i broken or just brainwashed from being treated like trash for so long that now i think it’s the norm? i try to analyze it, journal it, scream it into a pillow, and nothing changes. maybe i’m just terrified that no one else will get me the way he did... even if the “getting me” part came with a truckload of emotional damage. maybe it’s not really about him at all, maybe it’s about how i felt when i was with him—like i mattered, like someone chose me, even if he dropped me just as quick. i don’t know. all i know is this mess inside my chest won’t go away and i’m tired of pretending like i’m fine. if you’ve been through this—how the hell did you finally let go??? 💔

these days im not in the mood to go anywhere. my friend is getting married this week and she lives farrrr away from me. it took 4 hours from my place to go hers and im scared if i go there, it will not reach my expectation (in a simple words, im scared getting ignored since it has been more than 5 years we didnt meet).

i also have concert on december but im not in the mood to go (thinking to resell the tix) and i feel like the possibilities of me getting disappointed is higher than happy and satisfied. i feel like if i want to get my sparks back, i need to go to the concert but i feel like its not worth it..

does anyone know what am i going through actually? and is there any ways to make me feel contented again? :')

so my mom just got my report card and shes grounded me (I'm writing this on my school computer) wanna know why she grounded me? because I have 3 C's. shes being so irrational and stupid about it, it makes me want to bash her head into a wall and hope that it changes her stupid ways of thinking. She hit me so bad I cant feel my face or my finger tips. I also cant feel half of my head because she pulled my hair too hard and i feel like my skull is throbbing. she wont even let me go to the bathroom because shes forcing me to work my ass off on those assignments I have low grades on. I want this to end. I want her to end. I want her to stop thinking the way she does. I just want my phone back. I want a break. She acts like if I have low grades in ONE class the world is ending. She acts if there's a fucking atomic bomb dropping right on our doorstep because the FBI found out I had 3 still PASSING grades in my classes. The universe is HUGE and my grades are either just pixelated letters on a screen or a few strokes of ink on a piece of paper. This is also my teachher's faults. I submitted an assignment a few minutes late and she decides to give it a zero, despite the work being correct. That specific teacher's zeros are worth SOOOO much and they can so easily bring my grade down from an A to a D. Im afraid shes gonna go through my phone and find my private stuff. My conversations with my friends, my photos, and anything else. Those are relatively fine but I have an ai app on my phone and THAT is what I'm most scared of her finding. I know my limbs would be severed off one by one if she finds it. I just want this to end. I wish teachers weren't so strict with their grading and that they give you second chances.