Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

T.L.D.R. Hallucinations, inability to control certain parts of myself, extreme mood swings, SI/HI, and noone around me that would believe me or that I can trust to help me

I’m starting to get genuinely scared. My hallucinations (auditory+tactile) have been getting worse and clearer each day, and I can’t tell anyone about it. I have tried to set up appointments with a psychiatrist but I can’t set it up by myself. I can’t get my parents to help because they think I’m faking or over exaggerating or making excuses any time I try to talk about my mental health. Granted I can’t entirely know unless I actually tell them, but every time I bring up things that have been active road blocks, I get invalidated. Last time I told my dad it felt like he was invalidating me, he said he acknowledged I was struggling then just told me to suck it up again rather than, idk, actually caring ab it I guess? I try to tell him I can’t do certain things and he always, ALWAYS says I am victimizing myself and to stop saying I can’t, he doesn’t listen to me when I try to tell him. I use wording like “I can’t” for things to convey that it is not an active decision I am making, and all attempts to not be taken along for the ride have failed. I try and try to do things like keep up with basic hygiene, I set reminders, put it in my way, try to follow a schedule, and without fail after a couple of days everything falls apart. I’ve tried to explain that I lack a certain level of control over myself and body, I’ve literally talked about the meltdowns and full on crying I have had due to my inability to do certain things that I want to. My parents don’t know this and I don’t have the heart to tell them, but I have sometimes had such a strong mental block stopping me from getting out of bed that I have SH’ed due to it. I have such a lack of self esteem and such a large hatred for myself because I can’t fix my life and the people closest to me won’t listen when I try to convey that, and instead just think I’m not putting enough effort in. The craziest part is that my dad has been able to relate to me with things before, yet doesn’t seem to understand the extent of my problems, or can’t accept that I could have it worse. Plus there’s him just brushing my mood swings off as hormones. I know that hormones are a thing that can cause mood swings but for one, I’m almost 19 and I also don’t think hormones cause such extreme mood swings that I bounce from full on euphoria to complete depression with SI. I just don’t feel like I’m ever taken seriously by the people that I really want to. I wonder if it is because I’ve been able to hold a job since I graduated? Then there’s my issue with social anxiety, which I tried for the longest time as a kid to tell my parents that I had and instead what I heard wad that I didn’t and then was told of how bad my step mom had it and yet again invalidated. Another thing is that I genuinely feel like the only difference between me and someone that people would consider “insane” is that I haven’t acted out on anything. I have very frequent intrusive thoughts and HI, and while I would like to say that I know I won’t go through with anything, it’s another part of why I’m scared, because I’m not sure. I think about killing certain people and play through different scenarios in my head and I’ve realised that yes I would feel guilty because I took another person’s life away, but I wouldn’t feel remorseful or “care” necessarily. I genuinely need help but don’t really have anyone around me I can trust to talk about this stuff and actually get me the help I so desperately need.

For as long as I can remember, I've always had a tight-knit group of friends. We did everything together: studying for exams, hanging out on weekends, and even planning future trips. But lately, things have started to change, and I'm not sure why. Conversations feel increasingly strained, and it often feels like I'm on the outside looking in. It's frustrating because we used to have this seamless connection, and now I can't help but feel like something's off. Am I doing something wrong? Did I miss some social cue along the way? 😕

The other day, we were supposed to meet up for dinner at our usual spot downtown. I was really looking forward to it because things felt normal again... or so I thought. Everyone seemed preoccupied with their phones and didn't engage much in conversation. When I tried bringing up subjects we usually love discussing, there was minimal response... even from those who would typically lead the discussion! It was like talking into a void. The only real interaction was when they burst into laughter over an inside joke I apparently wasn't part of. Ouch...

So here I am, trying to dissect every possible reason behind this sudden shift in dynamics among us. Could it be just stress affecting everyone differently? Or maybe they're moving on without me and I'm oblivious to it? I'd like to think it's temporary... some kind of weird phase they'll snap out of... but how can one be sure? This uncertainty is eating away at me in ways words can't fully express! Anyway, thanks for listening if you got this far.

So, I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over six months now, and I absolutely adore him. He’s sweet, funny, and we have a solid connection most of the time. The only small issue that keeps creeping up is our conversations. I feel like we sometimes run out of things to talk about, and it gets kind of awkward, you know? 😂 Am I alone in this? I can’t be the only one who sometimes stares at their boyfriend, waiting for some sort of magical topic to pop into my head.

I think part of the issue might be that we both tend to be a bit shy, or maybe we just don't know how to dive deeper into certain subjects. Like, we can chat about our favorite movies or what we did over the weekend, but when it comes to more meaningful conversation, it feels like we kind of hit a wall. Does anyone else feel like they struggle with this? I mean, I want to get to know him better, but sometimes I just don't know what to ask. Should I be throwing random questions at him, or would that feel too forced? There are only so many times you can ask someone, “What’s your favorite color?” before it feels like a game of 20 Questions for kids.

The other day, I decided to try something new. While we were chilling on the couch, I brought up some topics from a random "get to know you" list I found online. I started with something easy, like “What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?” He laughed and shared this hilarious story from his childhood that involved him tripping over his shoelaces in front of his crush. It was such a genuine moment, and it made me realize how important it is to ask the right questions. Why is it so easy to default to small talk when there’s so much more to discover about each other?

After that conversation, I wanted to keep building on it. I started asking him about his goals and dreams, his thoughts on relationships, what makes him feel secure, and where he sees himself in the next five years. It got surprisingly deep really fast, and I felt like we were connecting in a way we hadn’t before. However, I also wondered if I was pushing too hard or if it’s just good to be open about these things? Do you all think there’s a balance between playful banter and serious talk, or am I overthinking it?

At the end of the day, I’m really eager to make our conversations more meaningful but also keep the lighthearted vibe we both enjoy. I’m also curious to know if anyone has any tips on topics that work well for their relationships? That would seriously help me out. I think it’s just a bit of a learning curve, and I’m willing to put in the effort to deepen our connection, but I genuinely wonder if other people have similar struggles too. So please, share your stories; are there certain questions you’ve found helpful or fun when talking with your partner? I’m all ears!

My parent won't respect me, my privacy, or my boundaries. It's not just me either, they do it with my sibling as well, crossing visible lines, testing us in ways that a parent should never do. Today, I told my parent I was changing and would have my door locked. Just minutes after I told them that, I heard them walk away from my door, then come back and unlock my door. Luckily I wasn't changing, but that's a clear boundary they crossed and privacy violation. This happened in the morning and then at night we were having another argument and then they went searching my room for no reason. I've been battling manic depression for a while and it can get difficult to maintain an organized room. They know this and have repeatedly used my 'messy' room as an excuse to punish me. They are constantly fat-shaming and food-shaming me everytime I eat, I could have eaten only one small thing and when I go to get another, they start yelling at me to stop and that i've already had one and that's enough. I tend to talk to myself a lot because at home I have no one else to talk to, they're constantly calling me crazy for talking to myself and venting to the people I've made up in my head. They ask why I don't find comfort in them or why I don't tell them things that's going on, but everytime I try to they turn it into a lecture or make it about themselves. Am I wrong for keeping my distance?

My wife Angela takes immense joy in crafting handmade experiences for our family. She hasn’t had the easiest of times growing up, so now it seems like she’s on a mission to provide our three children with a childhood filled with treasured memories. From baking every birthday cake from scratch and sewing holiday-themed pajamas to organizing themed movie nights each month, she does it all. Just last month for the movie night, themed around "Coraline," Angela went to the length of creating personalized dolls and preparing an elaborate spread of themed foods.

I appreciate her efforts and admire her dedication, but Angela expects my involvement in these projects, which is taxing. Considering we both manage full-time careers alongside our kids’ schedules filled with various activities, I feel she spreads herself too thin. We have the financial means to lessen this burden by purchasing these items, but she insists on creating them, asserting that these are the memories that will stick with our children.

Recently, however, our routine hit a snag. I had to travel for work for most of the month, so Angela was left to handle everything at home. As Halloween approached, it was clear she was behind on the kids' costumes and considerably stressed. She asked if I could pitch in and complete one of the costumes, even offering to guide me with the materials she had prepared. Honestly, I was exhausted and suggested just buying one instead.

Angela refused my suggestion and stayed up all night working on those costumes. The next morning, I praised the costumes' look but received only an eye roll. When I asked for a cup of coffee, her chilly reply was, "Go buy one." Her distant attitude lingered. A coworker later pointed out how I had failed to support Angela, emphasizing that while my children would remember their mother’s efforts, they’d also remember the burden I added.

Reflecting on that conversation, I feel troubled. Perhaps I am indeed in the wrong here. I usually do help, and I thought skipping once might not cause much trouble given our current exhaustion.

Imagine, if this was part of a reality TV show, the audience would likely be split. Some might empathize with my practicality, while others would likely root for Angela's heartfelt endeavors and criticize my lack of support during a crunch time.

Losing my husband unexpectedly was a heart-breaking experience that left me grappling with unbearable sorrow and navigating an uncertain future. Honestly, there were moments when I felt completely lost and alone, questioning how I could possibly move forward without him by my side. Amidst the overwhelming grief, my mum became an incredible pillar of strength for me. She offered a comforting presence during my darkest moments and helped me find a way out of the grief abyss. I had to ask myself, where would I be without her unwavering support and kind words during these trying times???

My mum's wisdom and compassion were nothing short of lifesavers. Every morning she called, ensuring I knew she was there and that I wasn't facing this new reality alone. An unplanned bonus to her supportive presence was her uncanny knack for knowing when I just needed someone to listen, without uttering a single word in return. We joked quite a bit, which was a much-needed breather from the suffocating heaviness of grief. She had the extraordinary ability to bring back a little sunshine into my life. Can you imagine what a gift that is?? Her thoughtful hugs and cups of tea were small gestures that went a long way to settling my scattered mind. Mum wasn’t afraid to take the reins and help me with daily tasks that suddenly felt monumental. 💪 Household chores, meal preps, even a few Netflix nights that started to fill up the void ever-so-slightly. It’s funny how parents continue to surprise us even when we’re adults, isn't it?? Her invaluable guidance taught me to honor my emotions, yet remain hopeful about the future and acknowledge that it’s okay to ask for help. My healing journey would be incomplete without recognizing her selfless love and encouragement that equipped me with the strength to move forward each day. 🧡

so i've been pondering recently about what makes a good friend, and whether the ones i have really fit that description. i'm 35 now and these friends, well, we've known each other since we were teens. that's a long time to keep people in your life just because they happened to be there when you were awkward and pimply. but sometimes i wonder if they're the kind of friends i actually wanted or if i've just stuck around out of habit.

like, what even are the traits of a good friend? it feels like such a basic question but seriously. is it loyalty, honesty, someone who'll tell you when you're being an idiot or just nod and smile? do they need to share your interests or can you both just... exist together without any common ground?

let me give you an example: one time i was moving apartments and honestly expected at least one of them to show up and help with boxes but nah, it was crickets. sure, they had their reasons (don’t we all), but man, that felt crappy. maybe i'm expecting too much but isn't support during those times what you'd expect from friends?

ok ok so maybe i'm being harsh or putting too much weight on some trivial stuff but man it's exhausting wondering if you're misplacing your trust in people who won't reciprocate when push comes to shove. idk if this whole friendship dynamic is something that has some hidden guidelines nobody told me about. anyone else feel like this?

I usually take a bus that's pretty empty from work to university in the afternoons, with plenty of vacant rows; it's rarely ever half full.

I carry my things in a lightweight linen bag, and since I don't fancy putting it on the floor or gripping it on my lap the entire trip, I usually place it on the adjacent seat. Given the usual surplus of free space, I find it convenient.

However, yesterday, this woman boarded and immediately frowned upon seeing my setup. She gestured emphatically for me to clear the seat beside me. It seemed unnecessary because there were numerous other open seats she could have chosen, not right next to me and not even in a special needs area. But I'm not one for confrontation, so I moved my bag, albeit with a quiet eye roll and sigh—chalk it up to post-work exhaustion and a bit of annoyance over her seating choice given the empty options.

Her response caught me off guard as she criticized, “You need to learn some manners.” This prompted me to shift to another seat in silent frustration.

I've been mulling over this interaction. Did she choose to sit next to me just to make a point? Her comment has been gnawing at me.

Imagine if this entire situation unfolded on a reality show. Likely, the cameras would zoom in for close-ups of our expressions and maybe even cue suspenseful background music during the seat-switching scene. The episode might even prompt audience polls like, “Was the seat dispute handled well?” or include dramatic confessionals where each of us explains our side of the story to rile up viewer opinions.

How should I have reacted if I was in a reality show during the bus incident?

I’ve noticed that people these days, including myself, are glued to their phones. Most of the time, I use my phone unnecessarily—scrolling or watching things even when there’s nothing important to text about or nothing meaningful I want to learn. I understand that people have FOMO and don’t want to feel cut off from society, but for that, I don’t think it’s necessary to stay updated on every single trend on Instagram or social media in general. Knowing all the latest trends doesn’t really improve the quality of my life.

Yes, some people might make fun of me for not being aware of “obvious” trends, but I don’t see the need to follow them. At the same time, I don’t want to completely isolate myself either. For that reason, I’ve decided to limit myself to using Instagram for just 15 minutes a day, or using Pinterest occasionally for inspiration.

The internet feels overwhelming at times—it’s endless. There’s always new content to consume, and you can never really “finish” it. In contrast, I only truly felt alive during the days when phones existed without internet. Back then, the phone itself was an incredible gadget: it had a camera, photos, videos, offline games, songs, and maybe a few downloaded YouTube videos. Once I finished watching those videos, I had to rewatch the same ones, and eventually the phone felt boring. I would play the same simple offline games until I got tired of them.

Even the old Nokia phones were better in some ways. They were extremely simple—sometimes boring—but memorable. I remember playing Snake on them. At the time it felt boring, but when I look back now, those days feel good. When I was outside waiting for someone, I didn’t feel the urge to look at my phone because it didn’t have much to offer. Instead, I started noticing my environment, and those moments stayed in my memory.

On the other hand, if you showed me a reel I watched just a month ago, I probably wouldn’t even recognize it. It would feel like something completely new. That’s the difference: the older experiences stuck, while today’s constant scrolling doesn’t.

What I really want is to go back to that earlier feeling—the simplicity, the boredom, the presence—that made life feel more real.

I’m put into a position where I have to choose who to live with. Either my grandma or my mom and it’s hard because I love them both and I hate that I’m forced here. My mom is going to move out because my grandma says that she brings trouble to the house and because my mom forgave her boyfriend after he hit her and took her car. So my grandma is making my mom move out so my mom and her boyfriend can live together instead of bringing him here to where I’m currently staying (which is in a home with my grandma and my mom). Today my grandma asked me “Your mother is looking for a place to live. I assume you’ll stay here with me, right?” <— (In Spanish) and all I did was look down. I didn’t give her a clear answer so she shrugged it off but it makes my chest ache, feeling like my family is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do. I don’t want to have to choose who to live with, I just want things to be happy.

And on top of all of that I just wish I could have a dad to go to. “Daddy issues” is so sexualized but it’s not my fault my own father isn’t there for me emotionally / mentally so now every time I see a dad and daughter having a healthy relationship it makes me cry and I get so jealous that it hurts. My mom doesn’t have her shit together, she’s always coddling her boyfriend and there’s no privacy with her or her boyfriend because of a camera I mentioned in one of my other vent stories. I just wish I had both of them, a mom to go to that respects my privacy and can just comfort me and a dad who can do the same. But I’m 15 and I’m already aware of the dangers online so I don’t trust easy anymore after having a couple online friends that talked behind my back to my boyfriend. My boyfriend also has his own things that he’s going through and I don’t want to burden him so I wish I could have my own online family. Like a little support system to escape reality.

I wish there was a way to factory reset my family, lol.

I don’t even know where to start. Lately, I’ve been feeling so off, like no matter what I do, I just can’t seem to shake this heaviness. Everything feels wrong, and I keep asking myself, why am I so unhappy? On paper, my life isn’t bad. I have a decent job, friends, a place to live. But none of it feels like enough, and it’s driving me crazy.

Every morning, I wake up and feel like I’m already losing the day before it even begins. I hit snooze on my alarm way too many times, not because I’m tired (though I usually am) but because I don’t want to get up. The thought of going to work, dealing with people, and pretending everything’s fine is just... exhausting. By the time I actually drag myself out of bed, I’m already late, which makes me even more frustrated with myself.

At work, it’s the samee routine every day. Emails, meetings, more emails. Everyone around me seems fine—like they’re just going through the motions without a problem. But for me, every task feels like climbing a mountain. I can’t focus, and when I finally get something done, it’s like, “Who cares?” It’s not like anyone notices anyway.

Even my social life feels hollow. I have friends, and we hang out sometimes, but it’s like I’m not really there. We’ll go to dinner, and while they’re all laughing and catching up, I’m just sitting there, forcing a smile and nodding along. Half the time, I don’t even hear what they’re saying because my mind is somewhere else—usually spiraling into some weird loop of self-doubt and overthinking. Then I go home and wonder why I feel so lonely when I was literally just surrounded by people.

My family tries to check in sometimes, but it’s hard to talk to them about this stuff. They always ask, “What’s wrong?” but I don’t have an answer. It’s not like there’s one big thing I can point to and say, “This is why I’m unhappy.” It’s just this constant, nagging feeling that something’s missing. When I try to explain that, they either look at me like I’m being dramatic or tell me I just need to “think positive” and “be grateful.” I get it—they’re trying to help—but it makes me feel even worse, like I’m ungrateful for the life I have.

The worst part is, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to have hobbies, things I was passionate about. I loved drawing, hiking, and binge-watching trashy reality TV (ironically, right?). But now? Even the thought of doing those things feels exhausting. I don’t have the energy, and when I try to force myself, it just feels empty. It’s like I’ve lost the spark I used to have, and I don’t know how to get it back.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m just broken. Like, maybe this is just who I am—someone who’s always going to feel unhappy no matter what. I’ve tried journaling, meditating, even exercising (though I gave up on that pretty quickly). Nothing seems to work. I’ve thought about going to therapy, but the idea of opening up to a stranger about all this feels overwhelming. What if they can’t help me either? Then what?

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Is it my job? My relationships? Am I just not cut out for this whole “adulting” thing? I see people my age on social media traveling, getting engaged, starting businesses, and I can’t help but compare myself to them. It feels like everyone else has it figured out, and I’m just... stuck.

hat people would think if my life was a reality show?? Would they see me as the sad, boring character who’s always complaining for no reason? Or would they feel sorry for me, like, “Wow, she really needs to get her life together”? Honestly, I don’t even know which one is worse. Part of me thinks they’d just change the channel because, let’s face it, who wants to watch someone mope around all day?

If anyone out there feels like this too, I’d love to know how you deal with it. how do you stop feeling like you’re just going through the motions? How do you figure out what’s making you so unhappy when everything looks fine on the surface? Because right now, I feel like I’m stuck in this endless cycle, and I don’t know how to break out of it.

I'm not really sure how to write/explain this, so this story will probably be very messy and not make a whole lot of sense.

I am currently 19 years old, and I feel like I have nothing and everything. I feel as if I could go out and get anything I ever wanted like money or assets or whatever, but the one thing I actually want is someone who actually cares about me.

Over the years, interactions with friends and family never felt like they were talking/hanging with me, rather they felt like they were doing it out of pity. I have always felt like people I care about don't really care about me, and these feelings are only reinforced by a lot of old friends and family suddenly leaving me.

I used to have a few childhood friends. I used to be a huge extrovert back then when I was a kid. Two of my childhood friends, April and Suzy, "cut" contact with me. They didn't really cut contact with me completely, I still have contact with Suzy, but we never talk. April is a huge introvert so I never talked to her when we got older. Whenever I talked to Suzy she always gave me dry responses and conversations only lasted a few minutes if that. I used to think she was just busy but she eventually just straight up told me she didn't want to talk to me. I still have no idea what I did or said to make her suddenly hate me. I don't even know if she really does hate me.

The same situation somewhat applies to my parents, that I feel like they don't really care about me. When I was a kid, my parents always argued over everything, sometimes they argued with my brother. I was never part of these arguments since I was so young at the time. All I remember is the only time my parents would interact would be more arguing or if it was dinner time. The only time I really did anything with my parents was during holidays like christmas. I never saw my mom during christmas or thanksgiving, since she went somewhere else for holidays. My dad would tell me she was cheating or that she didn't care enough about me to go to holidays with my dad. During Christmas I remember the tree being filled with presents. I never really wanted to open any of them. To me they felt like toys I would get bored of in ten minutes, reinforced by the fact that at the time my parents would say they were from santa. I would always rip open the presents and after they were all open I would go play with my new stuff and my parents would go back to doing what they did every other day. My dad would watch football and my mom would watch netflix. I have no idea what my brother would do since he was always out doing something.

To be honest, I hate my brother. He's trans and goes by she/her now, but I respect him so little as a person that I don't bother with his pronouns, especially considering how angry he gets when someone misgenders him and the fact that he just sucks as a person. I respect pronouns but specifically not his.

I think the hate for my brother started when I was about 8 or 9. He would always try and get me to do stuff and boss me around for no reason. He would also try and get me in trouble all the time, in hopes my dad would beat me. My dad is old fashioned so he would beat us if we fucked up. I think I really started to hate him when I was in my early teens. This was when my mom and brother had moved out, and my mom had custody of me. My brother took the role of the punisher for some reason so when ever I messed up he would be the one to punish me, usually by taking my xbox or phone away. But sometimes he would do it just because he could. My brother was a lot bigger than me, and he would take my stuff just because he wanted to, and would always make up some excuse about how it was "my fault" my stuff was getting taken. I remember breaking into his room to get my stuff back and running off to my dads house so he wouldnt be able to take my stuff.

I also kinda hate my dad. He's really old fashioned, and he was raised by farms people and grew up in the country rather than the city. I think my hate for him started when he had his stroke. He lost control of his left arm and left leg, and completely gave up on physical therapy. To this day he doesn't have control of his leg or arm and he might as well be an amputee or something. He uses his disability and the fact that he is my dad as an excuse to make me do stuff like cooking and his laundry. He basically treats me like a slave rather then a genuine person. All I ever do when I'm at his house is do my own thing till he eventually calls for me and makes me do some random chore for him. The only thing I remember him doing was buying gifts for me and being done with me. Even today that hasn't really changed. He still does nothing but watch TV and basically never talks to me. Even when we do talk it's always about him, and if we ever argue, and I make a valid point, he just completely shuts down and stops talking.

I'm not really sure if I hate my mom or not. I've been with her for most of my life since she was the one that had custody of me when my parents broke up. Me and my mom always had to move somewhere new. We probably moved into about 4 apartments and 2 houses in total. I never got to make any real friends because of it and eventually just gave up on trying to make friends. My mom was always watching TV just like my dad and I always was in my room doing whatever I felt like doing that day. I really don't have anything to say about my mom. She always kinda felt like a background character in a show rather then someone who was involved in the story.

I have always felt like that people don't really care about me. I wish I could bring it up to people but everyone would tell me off and I'd be better off talking to a brick wall. I have felt suicidal recently and have become more self destructive. I know I should seek therapy, but I'm not going back to the psych ward again, not now.

I'd write more but I have stuff to do, and If I went into every detail about how everything sucked I'd be here all day. I would be writing a book at that point.

i applied to this academic org. in my school a while back and i was in the group on our school website when the congrats post was sent out. i just found out i had no access to the group today and sent an email to the advisor who said i never submitted the form. i am crashing out because i don't understand why i wouldn't have been removed before the congrats post was sent out if my form was really not submitted. i remember clearly the screen saying "your form has been submitted" but the form did not allow me to save my response, so now i have no record of me actually submitting the form. i just feel like my future is ruined because this was really important to me. i have a google doc where i typed up my answers and obviously i have the version history for that, and my parents are going to talk to the principal, but i just don't know if that will be enough because there is no evidence of me submitting the form unless it's from their end. and again, they said they 'triple checked' and i hadn't submitted it. is it possible they're out to get me or something? i just feel lost.

i started my onlyfans account like a year ago, just for some extra cash, but i didn’t expect how quickly it’d take over my life. i’m 21, i thought i could handle it, just treat it like a job, you know? but it’s like this thing where the lines between work and life get real blurry. i’m on my phone all the time, messaging with clients, keeping up that sexy, flirty energy that makes them feel special. it’s addictive, not just the money, but the attention too. i catch myself checking messages during lunch, replying when i should be chilling, constantly waiting for the next notification. it’s not like i even know these guys, but their messages give me that little rush, like someone’s thinking about me, wanting me. sometimes it feels empowering, other times it’s just draining. does that sound messed up?

i’ve had friends say, “girl, you need to set boundaries,” but it’s not as easy as it sounds. when your income depends on how responsive and available you are, it’s tough to step back. i’ll tell myself, just this one time, just a few messages, and suddenly an hour’s gone. the worst part? i’ve started sexting outside of work hours, not because i want to, but because it feels like the only way to stay relevant in the game. even when i’m not on the clock, i’ll catch myself drafting flirty texts in my head, thinking about angles, what i’d say to hook them in. it’s like my brain’s wired for it now, constantly on edge, thinking, “how can i keep them coming back?” it’s not healthy, right? but how do you just stop when you’ve made it your normal?

sometimes i look at my phone and think, “what am i doing?” i used to be so social, going out, hanging with friends, but now my social life is basically these online chats. i know it’s my choice, i know i’m the one who opened the account and started down this path, but i didn’t expect it to get this deep. it’s weird because i’m not even in a relationship, but i feel like i’m constantly ‘with’ someone through these texts. like my real life’s on hold while i live in this virtual flirty bubble. maybe i need to find a better balance, or maybe it’s just part of the hustle. i don’t know. ever been in a situation where the thing you thought you could control just takes over your whole mindset?

I'm scared of dying in my sleep, knowing that it can happen at any time. And you wouldn't even know because you won't wake up if it happens,

you lay in bed and close your eyes, ready to go to bed and wake up the next morning but the fear sometimes lingers with me. Which sounds stupid when you say it out loud because it would be the most peaceful way to go right?

but at the same time, i feel like to me it's the hardest way. Not the aftermath of it, but just knowing it could happen and what others would think. You don't get to say goodbye, you can't give a last message. What would my online friends think? that i ghosted them but in reality i died?

It's the being afraid of dying before living life to my fullest. What if i die before getting to live as a guy? before i come out. If the last thing they know me as is a girl when all i want to be seen as is a guy. Is that just part of the fear? the fear of dying, but also the fear of leaving things unfinished. Like there’s still so much you haven’t gotten to do yet? I know i will die someday but it's always a feeling that stays because what if i don’t get the chance to be me before that happens?

It’s just one of those thoughts that makes everything feel a little more real than i want it to feel. Sometimes i'm stuck staring at the ceiling trying to distract myself with the thought that i will wake up. But my brain just circles back like it’s looking for an answer that doesn’t exist. Because you won't know if you don't wake up.

Am i just afraid of dying young? and is there a way to ease this feeling a little?