Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about my situation, and I need to get this off my chest. I’m 17 years old and, for as long as I can remember, anxiety has been a part of my life. I constantly feel on edge; it's like there’s this invisible weight sitting on my chest, squeezing harder with every passing day. Sometimes, I wonder, "can you get disability for anxiety?" I’ve heard stories about other people getting help, but I’m really not sure how it works. The idea of living with this kind of anxiety forever terrifies me, and I worry that if I don’t get help soon, my situation could go from bad to worse. It’s like I’m hanging on the edge of a cliff, not knowing if I’ll fall or find some sort of solid ground.

in school, I often find myself staring blankly at my desk, too overwhelmed to focus on the lesson. I try to distract myself with thoughts of what I’ll do once I graduate or how I want to travel, but the anxiety creeps back in like an uninvited guest. A few weeks ago, I had a panic attack during a test and, honestly, it was one of the worst feelings ever. I felt embarrassed; everyone was looking at me, and I just wanted to disappear. I heard from a friend that they got accommodations for their anxiety, and it got me really thinking: is it possible for me to get something similar? Would going through the process of applying for disability be worth it? And what happens if I get turned down? It’s a lot to think about…

I did some research and found out that, according to the SSA, to qualify for disability benefits, you generally need to demonstrate that your condition severely limits your ability to work. But that’s where things get tricky. Anxiety isn’t always visible like a physical injury, and I often feel like I need to prove I'm suffering. My reflection is like trying to catch smoke with my bare hands; it’s there, but I can’t hold onto it. I keep hearing, “You need a diagnosis,” but I’ve been hesitant to speak to a professional. Talking about my feelings is really tough for me; I think about going to a therapist or counselor, but then I question if they'll really understand what I'm going through. Is it worth the risk of being vulnerable? Should I be gathering evidence of my anxiety so I can substantiate my claim if it comes to that? So many questions and uncertainties…

eventually, I guess I’ll have to make a decision, but for now, I feel stuck in a rut. I keep telling myself I should take that first step either way—whether that means reaching out to a therapist for advice or starting the application process for disability benefits. Part of me thinks about what others might say if they find out; will they judge me? Will they say I’m just trying to take the easy way out? This whole situation feels like a never-ending maze; it’s disorienting, and I don’t really know which way to turn. there’s this constant whirlwind of thoughts swirling around my mind, and I just wish for a bit of clarity!! I wonder what other people have done in similar situations? It’s like, am I the only one trying to figure this all out? I guess I’m reaching out to you, random readers, hoping for some kind of insight or advice on how you’ve managed your own experiences. Thanks for listening rather than judging; it means a lot when all I seem to do is worry!

My niece Abby, who is now 13, has developed quite the passion for collecting Loungefly backpacks over the past few years. Everyone in the family and beyond has contributed to her growing collection, which now boasts around 50 unique pieces. She takes great pride in showcasing her collection on platforms like Instagram and TikTok, where she's attracted a considerable following. I help her manage these accounts since she's too young to handle them alone.

Recently, an issue arose when my sister, Mallory, began dating a man whose daughter, Emma, is 15. Unfortunately, both Mallory and her boyfriend have been grappling with some financial difficulties largely due to past lifestyle choices, though they are on the mend. With Emma's birthday approaching, Mallory asked if Emma could have one of Abby's backpacks—one that she had admired on Instagram. This particular backpack is not only rare but was also one of Abby's first and features her favorite character. Furthermore, the bag has been discontinued and fetches around $500 on resale sites.

I understand Mallory's situation, and so I offered to help split the cost of a new bag for Emma. However, Mallory was adamant that it had to be the specific backpack from Abby's collection. She even suggested featuring Emma on Abby’s popular TikTok page. I declined this proposition, explaining that TikTok was Abby’s personal project and not everyone had a right to be a part of it. I have had similar conversations with my younger kids, ages 7 and 10, about respecting their sister's space and decisions concerning her social media ventures.

Mallory accused me of being selfish, particularly in regard to the backpack and not allowing Emma a spot on Abby's “famous TikToks.” I found her demands unreasonable, especially since Abby and I haven’t even met Emma. Mallory went as far as to call Abby and me spoiled and declared she'd never seek our help again. Even my mother sided with Abby and me, understanding our viewpoint. Subsequently, in a rather dramatic move, Mallory posted a TikTok about severing ties with toxic family members. She's now awaiting an apology, maintaining that I am bullying her and Emma, despite our limited interactions.

Amid this family drama, one wonders how this situation would unfold under the keen eyes of a reality TV audience. Picture the intense scrutiny and perhaps a divided public opinion, with live polls asking viewers to decide who's in the right. Such a feature might intensify the drama, given the contrasting views on personal property and family obligations.

If this were a segment on a reality show, how would the audience react to the family dynamics and the battle over a teen's treasured possessions?

I keep on taking nonstop wrong decisions even though at the time of taking them I don't realise the potential cons everytime. Some decisions I surely know that were wrong and some I am confuse that whether it was right or wrong. But I am never make decisions which are absolutely right for me ( or so I think).

I get anxiety attacks due to this.

At this point I think I should take any decision that I think are right, and out of say 3 decisions, if atleast 1 is right then I would be satisfied.

This one will be short.

In preschool... They say it gets better in elementary school.

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It doesn't😑.

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In elementary school... They say it gets better in middle school/junior high.

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It doesn't😑.

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In middle school/junior high... They say it gets better in high school.

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It doesn't😑.

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In high school... They say it gets better in community college.

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It doesn't😑.

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In community college... They say it gets better at University.

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It doesn't😑.

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They say it gets better once you start working after college.

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I honestly don't know if it does... But if my track record is the same... Then...

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It doesn't😑.

But that could just be me... I'm happy and jealous of all those who are successful in the school and career lives!! Hats off to ya! A round of applause! Wolf whistle in the back!

...

I sad🥲.

I'm in the year before university and it's clearly the most important year. I'm not doing extremely badly, but it's exam week and I'm under so much stress that I just want to cry and not even study.

When other kids elsewhere probably fantasize about this longer than I do, I think about this for a bit, before I start panicking about every worst case scenario. This is why relationships...in general, are a risk. They're painful, bad, and they're not a thing I NEED to live in this world, they're just a liability. Like, I feel like an adult next to these buffoons in school! They can't see the risks, the pains, the agonies, they can't see all those dirt under the nice leopard-print carpet! And you know what, I can handle being alone with no one! They're a liability and risk anyways. Being tough and ROUGH is the way to go! I'm not soft, and I'm not gonna be vulnerable with anyone! No matter how much I want it, it's a sin on my part! It's like wanting drugs as a teen, it may smell good but it's bad for you! Aren't there any perks to not showing your vulnerability? it helps maintain your composure, you don't make things awkward or dangerous at work, it can make you look really stoic and composed and leader-like, and it makes you focus more on yourself and learn self-work by your SELF. See? You may say hiding vulnerabilities is bad, but ugh, when some movie characters do that, bam! Trusted the wrong person! Look at Elphaba and Madame Morrible with the Wizard of Oz, they were shams who couldn't read the magic book nor make magic, only for Oz! And she for her whole life wanted to be like him, but he's a useless man! Even I tried remembering the Wizard was a farsi, before the movie confirmed it again, because he looked suspicious!

I can be safe even from the "nicest" people. I was only BARELY ALIVE when I trusted mom so much to tell her things like "If I got Rem for Diwali, more fireworks would've sparked in the bedroom!" and she didn't react at all or I actually listened when she said she wanted to be my confidant and she didn't maybe shame me, but who knows? Maybe that's her way of being judgy. Still, just now, I wanted to hang out with a neighbor, but her friend came and they had some school project so I was essentially the weirdo stranger from downstairs. She may say we can play tomorrow, but because of my gut, I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone, so, I'm giving equality to people. I even don't trust mom when she says if I don't trust anyone, I'll be miserable. I wasn't crying when I got home, I just said to myself, "You had a weird gut feeling, and you were right!" I just felt more gray than blue. Plus, in Indian airports, considering how dumb the country can be, whenever I see guard dogs bark and play with the security for a bit, and the security is armed, I think they're fools. My grayness isn't depression, it's realization of truth. I'll just be NATE JACOBS, minus the abuse and power play. Come on, as dumb as people can be, why go out of my way to hurt them? I mean, look what happened. I kept cool, prioritized her, and left! I'm mature because I didn't cry nor feel sad, I just felt like, "Good I considered this." Same thing goes for when some people from school wave in the front. I don't think they're waving at me, I've seen this trope in movies too many times to not be fooled, and I'm right. They wave at their friends. I'm mature than them, right? Right?? I'm predicting the worst so I don't end up in bad situations. Like, she said she was being mean by asking me to leave, when I was being mean! I came to her house when her friend was meant to arrive only 10 minutes after me, and I was really quiet when her friend came. So yeah, me even being here and existing is mean, because I bet I smelled or didn't look good that time! She's 10 and I'm 13, so it's weird!

In fact, I should stop hanging out with her. Or anyone. I should stop making plans for anyone, and if anyone invites me, I won't come. Wanna know my mature reason? One time, a friend of mine wanted to let us visit in some mall, and because of stuff and a party she had before, we never went. Not only that, she's now bigger buddies with another girl. Good for her, foolish of me to even accept it. I don't know why for a while I cried about wanting one friend, if this also a big unnecessary risk. I won't hang out with that neighbor again, because well, this is what'll happen. Same thing goes if I dare, DARE, fall in love and date someone at 16, and then break up and call it worth it, god forbid. I fail to understand how movies, and REAL PEOPLE, say it's worth it. If it was, why else did you guys leave? I'm being like Kat from Euphoria, she's cynical and learnt from movies that to be cynical is empowering. I need to shove and stop this feeling. I'm shameful to assume friends are important. I can live like the great Syd Barrett, who managed. He only died from pancreatic cancer. Relationships hurt me, even friends! I've been abandoned, because it was my fault! It hurts! So I'll reject it. It only causes pain. That kinda love is...scary. Why do they say it was worth it if it all broke up then? It never clicked with me. If I were in that, I would cried, moved on, and chosen the life of a celibate permanently because...this is the result of even trying. As much as I'd hate to say this, but...I'm scared. Like, genuinely, really, really scared. Oscar said the same thing to Alex in the book RWRB, he loves Ellen and even though they divorced they don't regret it. Well, I would a lot. If I knew the instability, even the smallest signs, I'd leave before it'll get worse. See? I'm asexual! I may fantasize about love and snuggling, but it's all a dumb thing! Hah, dad was right. I had a crush for a girl, I never confessed to her because as young as 11 I know how unstable they were at this age in "the real world". Then at 12 I wanted to be a great friend, we had the mall plan, it never happened, and now she's with another close friend. I tried messaging her but she never responded, so naturally, I deleted and she never noticed. Right now in school, I lost my desire to even have a class crush a year ago, so whenever they joke about crushes, I behave like this. It's like when a person sees a puppy, you laugh and go, "Awww!" If I saw the puppy, I'd be scared a bit and go, "Oh, a puppy. It's fine." I'm asexual because I'm mature. I'm asexual because humans are garbage.

But with everything that happened, it won't get better. It won't. It's just that I learnt to be a warrior early, at 11. Now it's time to be a soldier, then general. My dad even said a good point, maybe he's right this time. Him and mom being together because they were in a long situation-ship in college and early careers before marrying and still being together for 16 years, is pure luck because "most of the time it doesn't happen". He's right. Maybe I can never find a love unless I arrange or work "somewhere", if you know what I mean. Mom's wrong to say maybe I can meet people "like me", when I'm older, because mom has a mini-friend who's 8 years younger than her and even though they work in different companies now, they somehow make some small time. But, it's a farce! Mom doesn't even meet her most of the time, college I heard is a crap experience, work I heard from dad everyone are losers or idiots or very competitive, the Internet is weird, and even then, humans are garbage. This is the only time dad's right! I'm more embarrassed I thought I'd have one friend when I was 11. I'll never be ashamed by my SUPER SQUID DEFENSE SYSTEM. I'm not alone, I'm an adult at 13! I'm a warrior squid, an eel who bites before anything bites her! I'm better than my classmates! I'm smarter than them, and I can't be hurt easily if anyone leaves anymore! In fact, I can leave them if I detect an OUNCE of instability. I'm a diamond, unbreakable, and I can work under societal pressure. Trust no one, listen to the rules to be safe from people, and never fight back or else you're a "snitch". My brother said one of the reasons I don't have a friend is because I'm a snitch. Like a squid I can squeeze out of bad stuff, like an eel I can bite back, and like I diamond, I can never ever be scratched or dented!

Hello to Every beautiful person reading this!

I would like to share the recent event of my life, which is rather disturbing for me and I'm honestly lost at the moment, not able to figure out what to do next. Please tell me what you do from your POV.

So I have a partner who is the love of my life and we have been together for like childhood hehehe, we are childhood sweethearts. Now to keep things short we are about to get married and suddenly the table has turned. My partner had a fight with one of his aunts because she was disrespecting me that she does not like me and doesn't want us to get married instead he should marry someone chosen by his family. During that fight I was obviously not present there but she called out the neighbors and basically destroyed my image, I cant expect better from a drunken divorcee women, anyways but the part that shook me and my partner was both his parents doesn't like me too and they were putting an act in front of me all these years that they like me and they have no problem with our relationship. The aunt is the real problem here because of her I have been misunderstood by everyone multiple times. GOD WHY SHE HATES ME!!! So basically my partner told me not to worry and we will live separately after marriage if they didn't approve our relationship, and now I'm feeling so bad that I don't wanna be a reason that because of me a boy left his parents and home. I seriously don't know what to do please help me and guide me here.

I don't really know how to start but i remember when u first added me back on tiktok, the excitement was something I've never felt before but i convinced myself to calm down and that you probably like all other teenage boys as i did talk to guys that i didn't have good experiences with early months of the year (February, March and April) it was November 12 when i started talking to you but after a few days i caught myself smiling and staying up to your texts we even had an ongoing streak on tiktok because you were a guy i could genuinely open up to without it being weird and we had a lot of similar song and drama interests, its been so long since a actually liked someone like this and it felt so nice. And a few days later you reposted tiktoks about liking someone as i thought it was about me because you only started reposting those AFTER we started talking but i clearly took it as a wrong sign. Exactly 3 weeks Later December 3rd i sent you a paragraph of how i felt but you told me you liked someone else so clearly i mistook your kindness the wrong way. After you sent me that Paragraph I ended up only hearting your message which ended up being our last conversation with eachother on Instagram. Its been 3 weeks 24th December and I'm still stuck here going back to your account stalking your reposts about her and i even found her account and she's honestly so pretty And you guys comment on eachothers tiktoks which i used to do on your tiktoks and you guys deserve each other 2 attractive people together. I can't even block you because we ended on good terms as friends but we never even texted after that. I just wanted to say i miss you Jayden even if we texted as friends..

i don't get it. why does he keep lying to my face?I just found proof that my husband is cheating. it's not like i didn't have my suspicions, but when you're faced with actual evidence, it hits different, ya know? i tried to confront him, laid everything out nicely—phone records, some suspicious texts, even a hotel receipt that ain't ours, you name it, i got it. yet, he looks me straight in the eye and tells me it's not what i think. can you believe it? is he fooling himself, or just me?

come on, i am not asking for drama or a scene, just a bit of honesty; but he's making it all too complicated. i mean, why doesn't he just admit to it when it's all right there? the mistrust is growing worse with every lie, and this back-and-forth dance is exhausting. really, what's the point of lying when the jig is up??? maybe he thinks he's slicker than he is, but seriously, who does he think he's fooling? it's become this endless cycle where he denies, denies, denies, and i'm stuck trying to piece together the truth, detective style. i'm too old for this kind of nonsense. like, just be a grown-up and own up to it, right? can't figure out what goes in his mind. is he trying to save face, or does he actually believe his own lies??

so why is he still lying??? any thoughts?

Trigger Warning: this post has the topic suicide in it.

im in love with this guy right? i think hes too cause hes like really nice to me and he jokes all the time that he likes me.

so a few weeks ago things got out of hand and i was super suicidal. i told him that i probably was going to kill myself soon. that was idiotic of me. he told the police and now i have to follow MORE therapy. which in turn makes me more suicidal. ironic i know. that thought me to not trust him with my thoughts anymore.

then his friend reached out to me. i told him the same stuff. he told him. ive talked to him multiple times about stuff in my life and everytime ekko (the guy i like) somehow knows about it. ive accused him of it multiple times. and multiple times he told me its true. last time (just now) he ignored it.

ive got no outlet anymore. i dont know if i even want to trust anyone anymore. it sucks you know. ive trusted way too many times and way too many times that trust has been broken.

and please dont try to feel sympathy for the whole suicidal thing. ive heard the blah blah "i get it" slop before way too many times. ive been trough 3 therapist now and im pretty sick of it.

thanks for reading. sorry if i seem like a dick right now. i have that sometimes

so my mom just got my report card and shes grounded me (I'm writing this on my school computer) wanna know why she grounded me? because I have 3 C's. shes being so irrational and stupid about it, it makes me want to bash her head into a wall and hope that it changes her stupid ways of thinking. She hit me so bad I cant feel my face or my finger tips. I also cant feel half of my head because she pulled my hair too hard and i feel like my skull is throbbing. she wont even let me go to the bathroom because shes forcing me to work my ass off on those assignments I have low grades on. I want this to end. I want her to end. I want her to stop thinking the way she does. I just want my phone back. I want a break. She acts like if I have low grades in ONE class the world is ending. She acts if there's a fucking atomic bomb dropping right on our doorstep because the FBI found out I had 3 still PASSING grades in my classes. The universe is HUGE and my grades are either just pixelated letters on a screen or a few strokes of ink on a piece of paper. This is also my teachher's faults. I submitted an assignment a few minutes late and she decides to give it a zero, despite the work being correct. That specific teacher's zeros are worth SOOOO much and they can so easily bring my grade down from an A to a D. Im afraid shes gonna go through my phone and find my private stuff. My conversations with my friends, my photos, and anything else. Those are relatively fine but I have an ai app on my phone and THAT is what I'm most scared of her finding. I know my limbs would be severed off one by one if she finds it. I just want this to end. I wish teachers weren't so strict with their grading and that they give you second chances.

My parents are really too in my business, yet not enough.

They are such hypocrites, saying this and doing another, thinking it doesn't apply to them because they're adults.

One time, I didn't want to wear the dress my mother chose for me for a party and she slapped me, grabbed my hair, pulled me and told me to pack my things and get out (I was 14).

Today, my father asked me to put my creme on (bcs of my eczema), I put the recommended amount (and the amount said in the instructions) on and told me to put some more even though it could give me rashes and itchiness all week. He started yelling at me for being too "stupid", even though the instructions were in French, the doctor who gave me the instructions spoke French and guess what? The frigging pharmacy who gave me recommendations spoke French. HE DOESNT SPEAK FRENCH. My mother sided with him, like the "good wife" she is. They expect "respect" yet they aren't decent human beings.

I have good grades at school, not to please, but to have a good future and run away from home the minute I get a steady income. (I'm 15 btw).

I've been feeling this for quite a while..it's like getting worse and worse. The mechanisms I turn to in order to not kill myself hasn't worked. I've been passively suicidal for months but I think I'm at the stage where I wanna plan. Idk, I've been trying not to be this way. I've been trying to look for friends, take care of myself, have goals, do school, whatever I'm supposed to do. Yet my mental illness is still here, coping without solving the actual issue. It doesn't matter how clean I am or how toned my muscles get.

I've seen others have support systems during dark times like this, idk how they did that but I've tried and all I really got was romantic or sexual attention, I don't post myself at all so idk why. I just wanna rest and pass way. I could fly. I wanna go in a peaceful way tho. I should probably go chat a hotline but idk if this is really an emergency, Its not like I have a plan yet or a way to kill myself yet. I've just been feeling like this everyday and idk how to stop.

If anyone has advice or reasons to live then do share. 🩷🖤

Basically the title. I moved out recently and its like my brain stopped lying to itself that my past situation was "okay" and "thats just how family is". Now i am just so angry and sad and cant stop replaying the handful of memories my brain hasnt blocked and wondering how I could have prevented them from happening. Like if i was just better behaved, wasn't so stubborn and just kept my head done the treatment wouldn't have gotten worse. If I brought home the grades she wanted she wouldn't have had to remind me how much i burden her and that the least i could do is be a good kid. If I didn't let her find out I am lesbian she wouldn't have had to say that no daughter of hers is gay and then treat me the worst she ever had till I convinced her I liked men again. If i was just the daughter she wanted she wouldnt have had to hurt me, humiliate me, ignore me for so many years.

I just feel like its all my fault. She wouldn't have had to do that if I was good and I know thats true because she told me. She said she did what she did for my own good, "tough love" or that she was "preparing me for the real world" but to this day no one has made me feel so worthless other than her. But its my mom, so there has to be some truth to it right? she always said no one knew me like she knew me, and its why she had to do what she did. I just feel so broken and dirty, like something is wrong with me.

all ive wanted was for her to love me, for me to finally be perfect enough that she doesnt have to doubt me.

Ive spent almost all my life trying to prove my mom wrong and now im questioning if she had a point.

When I was around 2 or 3, my parents went through a divorce. My dad had an epiphany and became deeply religious after being an atheist for years, which clashed with my mom's beliefs. They had been on the same page about religion until my dad pushed for my mom to convert and baptize me. My mom stood her ground, and they eventually divorced. The court granted my mom decision-making power over religious matters. This meant I could attend church with my dad until I was 12, but after that, it couldn't be forced upon me. I also wasn't required to take religious education classes or become a church member.

As soon as I turned 12, I stopped going to church and haven't returned since.

My dad remarried when I was 7, and he and my stepmom have kids together. They were upset when I refused to go to church with them or participate in their religious activities. I would sit quietly during prayers but never joined in. I even told them I've never said a single prayer in my life, even though they brought me to church for years.

Now that I'm nearly 18, they're starting to panic. They've been trying to have conversations with me, asking me to give religion and god a chance, to attend church with them one or two more times, and really listen. But I've always known my answer: no. I don't believe in any of it and never will. I told them they can believe what they want, but I’m an atheist and don’t believe in god, heaven, or anything spiritual.

My dad and stepmom said I should respect them enough to try, and my stepmom cried about how awkward and sad it would be for their kids to realize their big brother dismisses their beliefs. They were really angry and said I was disrespectful before I went back to my mom's house.

Am I being mean by doing that?

I wonder how this would play out if I were on a reality show. Would people see me as the bad guy for standing my ground, or would they understand my perspective?