Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

I feel drained tbh, my bestfriend blocked me today and I can't sleep.. I keep crying.. and pleading for forgiveness like a pathetic loser, which is I am a pathetic loser, I didn't mean to tease him too far I just wanna have fun, but I think the fun is too much.. I pushed it too far, I'm sorry

I listended to this song called Mind Of Mine by Lo Spirit and It made me cry because the lyrics are so deep and I can relate to them I just wish someone would hold me and say it's ok I am here for you

so their is a boy in my year and I've tried to be nice to him but he hates me for a mistake I made years ago ( I think maybe 3) and he is rude and tosses me around, now I have had a weird feeling it feels like crying but I stop breathing and my heart goes way to fast he worked with a main bully lets call him Osman he made me think I was horrible

also sorry I wont use punctuation

he told me I was a failure

I'm a weak trusting person

so all over the years people have left me or bullied me. because I have little things of skill

I am male btw its important because im friends with some girls all my male friends left so now people say I'm trans ( which is fine btw its just my school is homophobic) so I change my personality a lot too fit others but I'm still hated

and so everyone hates me bc I'm weird

so the bully Osman he comes gets a major which is the biggest problem 3 = expulsore basically

'so I remove that now he's nice to me but the other bully isn't he tosses my books around hurts me and its fine I tell a trusted adult

who is kind now today

the bully and osman I accidently sent his birthday invite to the year bellow us and that was a mistake I didn't mean it he didn't he attacked me and I ran of my friends ran to me saying they were hunting me down they had snithced to the trusted kind adult who new the bully was bullying me

Osman who after a year were friends with me betrayed me

and the teacher told me I did stuff wrong and to rub salt in the wound after knowing

the bully had

- nearly tossed my chromebook out the window which would have cost me to pay the school 700

- attacked me for years

- bullied me for years

- made me have self loathing for years

she called him a nice boy

I wasn't exactly sure what category to put this story in. I'm not exactly dating these people, and the reasons for that are super complicated.

My ex, Gunner, made me feel horrible. He said he couldn't date me because of my multiple personalities, which I get, I have mood swings, but I'm pretty sure what he was experiencing was just emotions. And also because I was adopted, I was "taken out of my natural habitat and who knows what I'd do." Which was said by Gunner's mother. Me and Gunner had only been dating for a week. I had to watch him date another pretty girl, who he stayed with longer than me. Me and Gunner only lasted a week, but we'd been talking for a month. After they'd broken up, she had a similar experience, saying he was extremely racist to her, and didn't want to be with her because her anxiety was something he couldn't "handle".

I sometimes wonder if maybe it is me who is doing something wrong. I know Gunner and me just weren't meant for each other, and I know something is wrong with him because I talked to Valeria (His ex). Gunner went around saying I was a bad kisser, which I know for a fact isn't true. He just needed something to around talking about, even though he'd broken up with me because of my background...? He's not fooling anyone.

A few months ago, I was talking to this boy named Jeremiah. We were good friends before we started talking, and my sister is the one who decided I should try to get with him. We'd only been talking a week before he ghosted me, and stopped talking to me. I heard from my sister, who promised that Jerry wasn't going to be like my ex, he said he "just wasn't feeling it."

We were talking today in pottery, when he told me that he thought I hated him. The way I heal is: I totally ignore the person while I cry and be sad over them. That's just how I am. Yeah, I see that as a red flag, but I can't help caring for someone I think cares for me too.

He told me today that I wanted to have a friends with benefits situation, and his friend Ethan started yapping about it, and telling Jerry how good of an idea it was. I just sat there. I know he's just going to use me with this whole benefits thing. And the reason I say "use me" is because that's what he's doing.

I had just gotten out of talking to someone, which only lasted a week. Wow, are you guys surprised? What's the pattern here? Hmm...

This guy's name is Tanner. Tanner and I have known each other since the seventh grade. He told me he's liked me since last year, but then just on Saturday, told me he's lost feelings for me. Okay, but how do you lose feelings that fast? It was clearly lust, not love. And he's been waiting to do stuff with me for a year, it's obvious. At first, I was so happy he liked me! Then, I heard the stories of him getting with girls, and as soon as he got what he wanted, ghosting them. Did I listen? No. I gave him what he wanted... I'm sure you can image what I mean. And, he ended up leaving anyways. Then, to make matters worse, I saw him, the next day, with his hand between Cory's thigh. Holding her hand in the halls, looking at her like he looked at me. Like he really likes her. Like he really liked me.

So, when I say that Jerry is using me, it's because of what happened with Tanner. Literally a month ago, this boy whom I really liked, we "did it" but I'd only done it because I really like him, and I thought, if I did it, he would like me too. But, he didn't. It was really sad, because like everyone else, he ended up ghosting me too. Guess how long we'd been talking! A WEEK!!!

So, remember when I said it must be me who's doing something wrong? That's because of things like this! It must be my fault! I was talking to Jerry today, and he said Tanner broke things off because I'm too nice.

Guys, my love language is physical touch, and gifts. Tanner told me he didn't like me anymore, according to Jerry, because I'm too nice. I'm too nice? What? That's ridiculous. I know I can trust this source because him and Tanner are best friends.

Oh, and also, when Jerry was talking about that dumb friends with benefits thing, he said that if it did happen, he couldn't tell anyone, and that it is supposed to be secret. So, wait, he wants to do it with me, but I'm not allowed to talk about it?

It just shows he's literally ashamed to be with me.

All of this has been hurting my mental health. It's coming to a point where I feel kind of insane? And it's not like I'm doing it on purpose, I just really don't know if I can handle my heart being messed around with. It's only been a couple weeks that this has happened to me. I hate going around from guy to guy, but I'm also tired of being played.

That's not even the worst part about this.

I can't even tell anyone about this, which is why I'm glad there are sites like these...

So, we all know - lots of teens have Snap chat. I've been talking to this guy on snap, who actually just recently told me his age today. I guess it's kinda creepy because all along I've thought he was my age. He told me he was going to buy me a bunch of stuff, and that he loved me, and that we were going to get married.

Okay, so what's the problem, just block him! RIght?

Right.

I wish I could say that it was actually that simple. It weird. I know he's mentally ill, because he's 39 and I'm 15. But I just can't ignore him. It's not hurting me to say goodmorning to him, right? And besides, he listens to me. It's not like he's asked for my address, or for me to send to him, so he's not harmful. And although its really weird, and you guys probably think it's gross, its not like he's grooming me, right? And, sadly, I really like the attention. It would never work, because he's like 23 years older than me, but it's kinda nice he's the only person who hasn't made fun of me for being, well, me.

And I know he says I'm his fiance, and he'd do anything for me, and he wants to come see me in June... but I can't let him go. I do that, and I'm just as bad as all the guys at my school who are trying to ghost me. Why can't we just find people who like me for me? Who want to be with me? I want someone who wants to be with me, all the time. Who can't stand to be with out me. Who likes to hang out with me, who will let me braid their hair, laugh with them, has jokes, good style, can help me with my homework. Someone who won't leave just because, I have a good butt (Which was said by my friend Daryl who just wants to do me too) or because they just weren't feeling me, or because I'm adopted or well...

Because I'm too nice.

You see, cuz my parents are getting tired of me. They don't really care what I do anymore. But it's sad, because at these moments all I need is my mama. We found out that she might have cancer. I don't know if I'm glad, or if I'm scared. Why would I be glad? Because I was almost taken from her because of abuse. So why do I want her? Where was my bio mama when I needed her? Lynda was there for me, not Dominique. I've started taking pills again, sleeping more, smoking, eating less. I actually hate sulking around all the time and hating life. But, when you've been spit out and thrown away like a wad of ABC gum, I can't held but feel how other people treat me. And I wonder, does Cory even see how she looks? Getting with someone who does things with girls and then dips?

Or maybe she's blinded by love, like me.

Well, I'm rambling now. But you all get the point.

So what do I mean it's going to be the last?

The last time I ever said I love you ever again.

Because no one ever deserves my love.

And no one ever will.

So, I'm part of an online group of friends who play online and chat about common hobbies, passions, etc, nothing too harmful. I'll start by saying that I'm closer to one of them (let's call him R) that I've known for years, but I enjoy talking with all of them. All good, until a few days ago, when there was some sort of private, aka not in the general chat, fight between R and another person (S). Now, R and S have been quite close for years, but there was some disagreements already (personal stuff between them) that blew out of proportion after a comment made by R that S thought it was about him. R says it wasn't, but who knows really. Ever since that the group has been silentish, in a weird tense mood. I know about the fight from R, the others know from S, and it's like inevitably the group split between R and I, on one side, S and the others on the other, even though no public reference has been made to the fight. I don't know how to approach this situation, R thinks we're being quietly shunned out by the others (whom I still can see interacting with each other) and while I initially thought it was crazy, after almost a week of this I feel kind of drained by this whole situation. I never acknowledged what happened between them, never made comments, even in chat with R I tried to keep up a "maybe it's nothing/maybe it's a coincidence/maybe they're just busier this time around" more to try to keep R calm, but I've got to say I'm starting to agree and would like this situation to end, someway. What happened between R and S is not something I have part in and on their "break up" of sorts S said to R that he'd interact normally with him, just less "closer", but it's hard to believe now. Even talking to R is becoming something that keeps draining my energy, even though a friend sticks to a friend and I deny feeling tired by this whole situation when he apologies about it. I don't know, it sounds dumb and childish, but I just want my chill group back.

i hate my body right now. i don't know if there's any way out besides starving myself. it's the way I was able to lose fat in the past. working out or eating healthy takes too long and too much discipline. i hate hating my body. i want to love my body. i have before. i used to be in love with it, but suddenly I get a little bit bigger on literally JUST MY WAIST AND I HAT E IT> how is that possible. how is it possible that I only grow in one spot. it's making me so upset. it's not fair. nothing else growns. my hips don't grow, my arms don't grow, my legs don't grow JUSt my waist. it's so upsetting. it's so upsetting. it's so upsetting. i just wish I could personify my torso and then hurt it. i don't want to hate any part of myself. i want to love myself as I am .

Heyah! I hope everyone is doing well.

I am recently going to move into my cousin's mansion in April, but I wanted to talk about ideal homes. Totally a long-winded subject. I know for many people(not all) they want to have a larger home. But for me(personally)... I think a home that's on the somewhat smaller side would be more of what I'd want.

I'd want to have a single-level home(NO STAIRS!!!). 2 bedrooms(master and guest). 3 bathrooms(master, guest, and powder). 1 Smaller kitchen(I'm not much of a cook). A small living room. Ideally no dining room. And having a smart use of storage would be nice. Since I own a lot of collections(Sea shells, crystals, books, etc). I don't care about clothing space... since I don't own a lot of clothes. I'm more of a nick-nack person, rather than a clothing person. I'd ideally like a washer and dryer in my home, as I grew up new a laundry mat and now would want the convenience of a washer and dryer of my own. Vinyl or any type of hard flooring would be nice... I am so forking done with carpet !!! I've had cats and dogs in my old home... and they k*lled my carpet!!!

I like East Asian mixed with modern art deco for the theme of my ideal home. I know for a fact that I wouldn't want a basement or an attic cause I don't like the psychological sh*t that goes on in horror movies... so, basements and attics are off-limits.

I think the main thing that would probably eat away at my budget if I ever did get my own home is the fact that I am completely afraid of the dark... like... I can't sleep at all if there is even a dark shadow in the corner. So, I'd keep my lights on 24/7 in the entire house. I also usually wake up to have water or a cold glass of milk in the middle of the night, and walking in the dark gives me a fright! So, lights on 24/7!!!

And if anything, I don't mind forgoing the guest bedroom and guest bathroom, cause small also means less to clean.

Anyway... I'm kinda sleepy since I took some pain medications due to my car accident... I'll write more stories later when I have more energy.

Eat good food and drink lots of water guys!!!

(Also... to clarify... I know that what I described isn't a "small house"... but it's significantly smaller than my cousin's mansion... which is why I'm saying it's small). When I lived in Cali... my ideal home was actually a studio apartment with lots of cool fold-in, fold-out stuff, and hidden storage stuff. But being on both poor and rich sides now... I think a middle ground would feel nice.

ok not rn but in 2 years :D like everyone’s keep saying the ‘economy so horrible’, ‘no one’s hiring’ bro I don’t want to imagine how it will be in 2 years 😭 well it could be much better? Well like how should I prepare right now to get myself a job when I graduate??

I feel a lot of affection toward one of the doctors who treated me. In fact, I feel a sense of care that neither my father nor my mother had ever given me. I feel affectionate, loving, and for the first time, I don't feel like speaking ill of parental figures as I always have, and that makes me happy. I confess that I never liked speaking ill of my parents because I felt it was denigrating my past, my person, that part of me that was made up of them, but I couldn't help it.

In fact, I confess, I'm sorry to be writing about them like this because I feel it's distancing me from them, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to distance myself from other parental figures again; I'm not interested in doing that. I feel like I want to be with them, not cause them any inconvenience, no fights, just follow them blindly. Yes, that's exactly it.

I feel like I've put all my critical tools to work distancing myself from my parents, which was my greatest wish. I didn't want that to happen again. In fact, that's why I feel like these doctors are like paternal figures, and I feel like they've adapted me in some way. It fulfills me in part because I feel like they're replacing my parents, but I can't help it.

How can I not give them credit for being paternal figures if they've earned it? Even with their example. They're inclusive of me. I even feel like I'm part of the family, where I'm taken into account, where I'm a priority, where I'm taken seriously and with care. I feel like this made me feel completely cut off from the family. My parents were always willing to make me feel marginalized, but these doctors, on the other hand, make me feel like I'm part of something, that there's a system that loves me, that appreciates me, that wants me alive. With my parents, I felt like that was impossible because I was born among them, which didn't seem fair at all.

I never felt like part of the family. They never allowed me to. No matter how hard I tried to get inside, they kept me defensive about my parents. I simply had to keep quiet because it was them, as if they were the perpetrators of a massacre to which I was condemned without any salvation. Even with my family, they closed the door on me and left me in a dead end. I can't ask the doctors to play my parents, however, I see an interest in them in making me their son, given that, for some reason, I see that they have lacked that possibility, mainly due to their spirit of justice, commitment, and friendliness, which precisely constitutes a burden that is very difficult to compensate.

In fact, with another of the doctors, I feel a relationship, also familiar, in terms of a courtship, but it goes beyond that; it's even familial. The group of doctors who treated me feel like a kind of family that somehow adapted me, that opened their doors to me. I don't understand why. It's as if, despite the treatment having been completed, they had adapted me given the conditions I expressed regarding my parents, as if they weren't acting as caregivers, as if their job served as an excuse to fulfill that position from the perspective they can offer. Their pain over my situation, even though they didn't express it, was harsh, and this time, unlike what they could do with their friends or with someone other than the patient, they couldn't distance themselves from it, given that their duty was to care for me, and it remains that way. It's as if the grieving process they had to endure regarding me in order to transition to other patients had never ended.

It's strange. So, I have a new family, but the question is: How is this? Why did it happen to me? Why did I have to transition to a new family? This happened without anyone's permission; no one wanted this to happen. We're all giving in to our impulses just like that. We all turned our backs on the issue because there was no excuse to escape, but this time it's not possible. How could this have happened to me? Isn't it easier to walk around without family? I don't even see these doctors; they're distant. I vaguely know them, because of life's circumstances, on the same level of appreciation with which I view my parents. Why is it that I value them as family? I feel that the same distance I maintain with my family, I maintain with them. In fact, this doctor, who I didn't specify as my father but rather as my sister, was so distant, uncommunicative, she was my sister. What surprises me is that I experience this simple pattern of interaction as a substitute and satisfying family. I mean, I can't believe my family is so easy to replace. In fact, beyond them, I don't know anything, a question I experience with my blood family itself.

Is it that in my family, we are so empty? The doctors have given me vague interaction. Exactly what I've felt with my parents regarding working together. Is there so little in my family that unites us? The family relationship between us has been practical Especially that of us being in a work environment where my sister and I are the clients. How could this union have happened just like that? I can't believe my family is so simple and vague. I can't believe it. I can't believe I can replace it so easily. In fact, I feel more confident with these vague details.

I can't believe what I'm experiencing. And just like that, this emerged out of nowhere, just like that. With barely any planning. Furthermore, with selected personnel, I'm talking about doctors, for their work skills. What the heck was my family back then? I swore we were much more complex. Not one you could easily get anywhere. It makes me feel like my family, what we had between us, was just anything. Frankly, I can't believe it.

I feel like there was really nothing between my family and me. Not even with my sister and my parents, just a sad pity that camouflaged it. I never thought I'd discover this. Furthermore, the same frequency with which I see my parents is the same frequency with which I see the doctors I consider my parents. In fact, I trust the female one more, and she's the one who is open and concrete, a bit of a leader, just like my mother, and the male one is rude, drastic, but with a certain measure of restraint, and also authoritarian at times. I can't believe, I insist, that the same core group has formed as when I was at home, which for me was unstable and unstable, just as I experienced at the place where these doctors treated me. Furthermore, with the doctor I feel like my sister, equally distant, eccentric, lonely, and forced to do what she was doing to survive. I can't believe, I insist, that I've encountered the same core group of people.

What is my family then? A group of random people? What the heck did we have at home? Parents who propped up the situation as best they could, trying to get by without any success beyond support, and a sister who did whatever it took to look good with them and everyone else, while I was simply at the mercy of observation and finger-pointing. I insist, I can't believe the same modus operandi developed that existed at home; having, in other words, an emotional and rebellious inclination between my sister and me toward the world. I insist: What the hell did we have at home? Why did we have this at home? How could we have had such a simple, vague, and dysfunctional way of living together? Dysfunctional given that there was no review of the family's destiny despite the elements against it. What did we have at home? Simply, everyone pulling for themselves. The doctor I consider a father was distant from the case and didn't express it, like my mother. What did we have at home? It was everyone for themselves, after all, a sad attempt for each of us to survive. How could we have been so simple-minded? In this family, as a nucleus, there was no depth whatsoever. My parents, besides wanting to look good to those in authority, as always, and being clever at making one look bad, and acting as an inclusion.

I dont even know how to start this one. uh, should I start with some context before diving in? i've been sa'd. like three times now, by two different people, and you'd think the years seperating them would make it go away quicker. but nope. still living in my head rent free. so it makes talking about shit like that awkward as fuck. or just being touched in any way, like grabbed on the arm, or pushed or anything. very uncomfortable? anyway. I was sitting in p.e and we had to do sex Ed. and they made it a bit odd. they brought all the classes in my year together for it, and yeah. so when they started showing images and talking about shit I just started drawing on paper, ignoring it. or trying to. and my friend who is asexual just found the whole thing amusingly uncomfortable I guess. when it was done Lauren from one of my other posts was like getting angry at us, saying that she was interested in learning about stuff and it wasnt fair neither of her friends wanted to learn this stuff, even though she knew both our reasons.

Yesterday marked another year for my dad, and the family gathering was quite something to behold. Present were my sister Laura, our other sister Jane, our aunt and uncle, along with our three cousins. Among them, our cousin Olivia, who recently had her daughter raise some commiserations over a broken ankle requiring crutches. At the party, Laura's son, Nathan, 13, and Olivia's daughter, Emma, 12, were the juniors present.

The children spent their time in the living room while the adults busied themselves in the kitchen. We paid little mind to the youngsters, believing them mature enough to steer clear of any real mischief. However, a loud crash followed by a burst of yelling abruptly drew us all to the scene. Rushing in, we found Nathan and Emma in a tangle over a crutch. Emma was seated, struggling to maintain her balance, and Nathan was behind her, evidently the instigator in the scuffle. The confrontation ended with Emma toppling backward off the couch, crying.

It emerged that Nathan, in a bizarre act, had hurled one of Emma’s crutches down the basement stairs and was in the process of doing the same with the other. After confirming Emma wasn’t gravely injured, her mother Olivia began interrogating Nathan with a mix of concern and frustration, raising her voice but not exactly shouting. Several others chimed in, but Laura swiftly defended her son, asserting “He’s just a kid; no one’s hurt.”

This rationale seemed flimsy to me because, first, Emma could have been seriously injured, and second, Nathan is 13—an age at which such recklessness should be more controlled. I voiced my opinion that “just a kid” might apply to those under 11, but certainly not a teenager.

Laura was noticeably upset by the reactions, particularly mine. I truly don’t understand why Nathan acted so carelessly. Perhaps he thought it was funny? Laura’s irritation makes me wonder if I overstepped, but honestly, what was that about?

Imagining this incident featured on a reality show, would the public take my side, seeing Nathan’s actions as flat-out dangerous, or would they sympathize with Laura, viewing the backlash as an overreaction? The drama and debates that follow such a scene could be endless, heightening tensions or perhaps even drawing a clear line on parenting views under public scrutiny.

If this were a scenario on a reality show, how might the audience react?

i know it sound stupid to some ppl, like just another weird fear or whatever, but i swear this thing is real for me. i can’t stop thinkin about it—losing my mind, my memories, my self. dementia, alzheimer’s, all that… it terrifies me. like deep in my bones kind of fear. i’ll be sittin there watchin tv or just layin in bed, and boom, it hits me. “what if i forget who i am one day? what if i forget my mom, or where i live, or how to talk?” nd it ain’t even like i’m old or anything, i’m only 27, but the thought never leaves. it started after my grandma passed. she had alzheimer’s nd near the end she didn’t even remember me, nd that messed me up fr. i’d go visit her, nd she’d smile at me like i was a stranger, callin me names of people long gone. it was like watchin her fade while still breathin. nd now it’s like every little thing i forget makes me panic. forgot where i left my keys? maybe it’s startin. called someone by the wrong name? brain’s probly already slippin.

i keep tryin to tell myself it’s just anxiety, that i’m overthinkin, but it don’t help. i’ve googled the symptoms so many times i basically memorized the whole list. nd now it’s like i’m constantly watchin myself, checkin if i’m rememberin stuff right, testin myself with lil memory games in my head like a freak. sometimes i won’t even enjoy a moment cause i’m too scared i won’t remember it. nd that’s the worst part honestly. the fear is stealin the life i’m tryin to protect. like i’ll be hangin with friends nd instead of laughin, i’m thinkin “ok remember this, what are we talkin about? who’s here? what time is it?” nd if i mess up just once it’s like my whole body goes cold. my chest gets tight, my head spins, i start spiralin like “this is it, it’s happening, i’m losing it.” no one really gets it either. they just be like “bro ur fine” or “you’re too young for that stuff.” nd i know they mean well, but it don’t help. it just makes me feel more alone.

sometimes i feel like i’m already gone a little, like the fear itself is eatin away at me. it’s not even just memory loss i’m scared of—it’s losing me. who i am, what i love, the people i care about. i see older people walkin down the street lookin confused and i can’t help but wonder, “were they like me once?” did they have the same thoughts, the same fears, and then one day it all just slipped? maybe i sound crazy, but it’s real to me. nd i don’t kno how to stop it. therapy helped a bit but i still have bad days. sometimes real bad. nd i just sit there in the dark, tryin to hold onto everything i can remember, like if i think hard enough it’ll all stay. maybe it’s irrational, maybe i got some kinda health anxiety or whatever, but it feels like this shadow followin me everywhere i go. nd no matter how fast i run, it’s always there. this fear of forgettin, of fading, of losin who i am. dementophobia. that’s the word i found online. nd it’s ugly, it’s heavy, and it’s real as hell.

We started as teenage lovers, got teenage children now, was able to get a permanent job where he was not able to finish highschool. Loaned about 17k and now my salary is only $122 a month, while the bills amounts $140...so the bills was compromised to provide food on the table. Now the mortgage is now 3 months unpaid, calls from the collectors has been ringing, incoming school year is fast approaching, money is badly needed for tuition, uniform and school supplies...it felt like it is gripping me from thinking so much... I'm so pathetic for staying, even marrying him when he can't provide anything. I'm so tired of pushing him to get a job when it ends up fighting and shouting...

I'm a 22-year-old woman who recently got a love letter from a 43-year-old male colleague at my workplace. I've been with the company for three years while he joined less than a year ago. We've barely spoken—just a handful of short conversations centered strictly around work. He has mentioned wanting to spend time together outside of work, but I've always told him I'm quite busy with school commitments.

In addition to this, he's approached several of our co-workers who know me outside of work, attempting to gather personal information about me, all of whom refused to divulge any details. Some colleagues say I overreacted with my blunt response to his letter, calling me rude, while others support my directness in handling the awkward situation.

I'm curious, how might this scenario unfold if it were playing out on a reality TV show? Would the dynamics of public scrutiny and the inherently dramatic setting influence my response or the actions of my colleague?

Ok SO. Im 18 (afab) and my father has been raising me on his own since I was like 3?? He himself has gone through an abusive and pretty traumatic life, however since I could think it has been... exhausting. To live with him. The alternative is worse, and I have literally no where to go. He likes saying rude (homophobic, demeaning, racist whatever you can think of) things because he thinks my reaction is "funny". FUNNY. like yeah sure me getting upset because I do not understand youre joking is FUNNY. Ive always, ALWAYS struggled with tone and in general social stuff. I dont know why, ive tried to get better but its literally a guessing game for me especially with my father but in general with everyone. My father has always had high expectations for me, he used to get REALLY mad at a C, he has gotten used to it in certain subjects yet hes still like "You wont get your Abi with this" (Im german, abitur is a qualification for University). Hes also really weird sometimes. as in. he will joke about me being his mother or girlfriend, even when i have explicitly asked him to stop. He also constantly threats throwing me out if I dont behave how he wants. I know he has had a rough life. I KNOW THAT. But i also know it doesnt excuse whatever the hell he does. He belittles me and then afterwards acts like a knight in shining armour, like "dont think those things about yourself!" like i didnt until YOU mentioned it! He also thinks I have BPD or some shit for no reason (he has refused to get me therapy multiple times) like hey. If you think I got something THEN GET ME INTO THERAPY LIKE I HAVE ASKED YOU TO. He can constantly track where I am, hes worried about me. i get it. BUT I TURN 19 THIS YEAR. show an OUNCE of trust in me. I have gotten like. everything I need in life, I ask for anything material, I will most likely get it from him sometimes in the future, but hey! Wild thought! Maybe you shouldve TAUGHT ME how to handle my emotions! I dont know how to do this shit! And hes not helping with yelling at me when I start crying about how im crying for no reason and that im an adult! This is all over the place im sorry its like 2 AM and i did this on the spot because im just. tired. I dont wanna end it or anything, my friends would be too sad for that but im just. So so tired. I dont feel like I have achieved anything with my life, i dont think im good at anything, i dont like who I am or how I look. I also dont know how to change it because whenever I try asking for help people reassure me that im fine the way I am. "Youre not annoying" "Eventually youll feel like youre good at something!" "Once you moved out everything will be better!" But what if its not? What if im just doomed? I know its stupid, im 18 I have like a century ahead of me. But it also feel like im just pushing a boulder up a hill. I want to be better, i want to move more but whenever I try to I literally cant. Its like my brain doesnt allow me to. And I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to. Like im not gonna unload all this shit on my friends? They know most of the story but I act fine now. And I have no other parent, no other adult to confide in. Again. sorry. All over the place and really depressing i suppose.