Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

all my friends are committed and/or got acceptences to colleges that are top 10 or so and im the only one who hasnt gotten any back yet. this wasnt an issue until they started asking me every single day whether i got any decisions or if ill just commit to a state school while talking bad behind my back about how im stupid for months and i didnt say anything. i dont think im stupid, ive worked incredibly hard i have a higher gpa and class rank then all of them and international ecs but ive always tried to actively help them out. today one of them called me to brag and gloat that they got in my dream school that i had gotten deferred from and made sure to reiterate it over and over in a 15 minute call before i had to hang up despite saying congrats genuinually for the first 10 minutes. i feel like an asshole for being upset about this and if i tell anyone how i feel i will be an asshole so im venting here, are my feelings even justified.

I recently got promoted at work, which allowed me to move into a new apartment in a desirable neighborhood. It's the first time I've lived on my own, and I'm genuinely proud of the independence and space I've earned.

However, things took an unexpected turn. My older brother, Thomas, who's always had his share of financial instability, found himself in a bind. He and his wife, notoriously poor with money management, were evicted from their apartment due to soaring rent prices. Now, homeless with their two children, ages 5 and 7, Thomas reached out for help.

Thomas asked if he and his family could crash with me while they sorted out their situation. But here’s the hitch: my apartment is a modest one-bedroom, barely spacious enough for me alone, and certainly not designed for a family of four with young kids. I’ve never dealt with children and the thought of childproofing and constantly monitoring the kids is daunting.

I tried to offer financial assistance instead, suggesting that I could pay for a temporary rental or a hotel stay. Despite this, Thomas and his wife are firm on the idea that staying with family is not only economical but also less stressful for their children.

The pressure from my family didn’t take long to mount. My parents and relatives began labeling me as selfish, accusing me of prioritizing my “fancy apartment” over the well-being of family. They remind me excessively that “Family helps family,” and plead me to consider my young nieces, which does tug at my heartstrings.

Despite the guilt-tripping, I've decided to hold my ground. However, it's left me isolated, with family members expressing their disappointment, making me second-guess if I'm being unreasonable or cold-hearted.

If this scenario were featured on a reality show, imagine the varied reactions from audience members! Viewers might be divided, some sympathizing with my need for personal space and understanding the limitations of my living conditions, while others might vilify me for not opening my home, dramatizing the situation with intense family arguments and emotional appeals from my brother, casting me in a less than flattering light. Reality TV thrives on such conflicts, and my situation could easily be framed to boost drama and engage viewers.

Am I really the bad guy here for wanting to maintain my personal sanctuary and my lifestyle?

I keep overthinking on the very tiniest stuffs. Even a small thing makes me thinking for like a whole day or two and genuinely my whole day gets messy and I can't focus on other stuffs except that. Today I was asked a question during my class and atfirst I simply answered, I didn't understand when sir said to ask extra stuffs. It was the stuffs I knew but I simply didn't understand at the moment so I just told him I didn't understand and so when he asked someone beside me I understood what he was asking about and as my classmate beside me didn't answer I reached out to sir and gave some answers in that moment I still misunderstood his question but I did understand later and told the answer and there was one question I was confused about so I just didn't say anything and as an introverted person I feel scared to talk infront of the whole class and the moment I was answering other people were looking at me and smirking. I could literally see them, even though I answered some stuffs I was scolded by sir like I know I'm dumb but I did answer some stuffs and so the fact that some people were looking at me and kinda laughing not laughing in exact way, is it cuz I'm dumb??? Like I'm not as smart as them but am I really that stupid and dumb?? This is what I overthought whole day and I'm still thinking about this today. And the fact that I called out sir to tell the answer after I understood what he was asking was it really wrong of me? Was I being desparate ???? I really wanna stop overthinking about this kinda stuffs but I can't. This is the first time this has happened, many times not only in class but even with the people I'm close it I start to overthink their actions and what they think about me. I really wanna stop being this............

Life's been a whirlwind lately, you know what I mean? I mean, one day you're planning your dreamy future with the "man of your dreams", and the next, you find yourself knee-deep in lawyer appointments and counseling sessions. Funny how things change, right? So, here's the scoop—I'm freshly divorced, and honestly, it's like an emotional rollercoaster I can't get off. Happy and sad, that's pretty much where I'm at. It's like, I'm finally breathing fresh air after being suffocated for years by my now-ex-husband, whose idea of a good time was knocking back one too many shots and then knocking me around. Yeah, it sounds shitty because it was.

At first, he wasn't like this. At first, he was Prince Charming. No, scratch that. More like the superhero of my dreams. This guy would bring me flowers randomly and plan these cute little dates under the stars. He was my ride-or-die until the booze became his best friend. I mean, just like that—snap! Our love went from sweet notes and silly selfies to shouting matches and wondering whether he'd come home or not. You ever felt relief mixed with a side of sadness? That's kinda where I'm at now. Leaving him was like shedding off an old, heavy coat that's been suffocating me in a hot summer; but damn if I don't miss those good times every now and then. Freaking nostalgia will kick your ass when you're least expecting it.

And there it is, my tale of being happy and sad all rolled into one messy ball. I'm free and breathing on my own and all that good stuff. It's like waking up to sunlight streaming through your window after being locked in a dark room for years, like I'm standing taller now, not weighed down by his vibe—or rather, whatever the hell he turned into. Yet, there's a part of me that clings onto the version of him that used to be loving, thoughtful, and genuinely my best buddy. The memories of our early days pop up like annoying internet ads, but I ain't falling for it again. I gotta keep reminding myself that love shouldn’t hurt—literally. Do you ever find yourself missing something that realistically never even existed? That version of him was as real as unicorns. Anyway, life goes on, and ain't nobody got time for that victim bullshit. I just gotta keep trucking along and, who knows, maybe stumble into real happiness this time. Sure, the sadness lingers, but I’m keeping it together, looking forward to a fresh chapter, and hey, maybe a little sparkle will come my way...

I used to think hard work and performance actually meant something, but now? I give up. Every day at my job, it’s less about who does the best work and more about who checks the right boxes. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’m just showing up, doing my best, and watching people get ahead for reasons that have nothing to do with skill or effort. At first, I tried to ignore it. I thought, Okay, just focus on your own progress, keep your head down, and things will even out. But they don’t. Instead of real career development, all we get is more “woke” initiatives, endless diversity trainings, and company-wide emails patting themselves on the back for promoting people based on identity instead of talent. Don’t get me wrong—I believe in fairness, equal chances, all that. But that’s not what this is. It’s not about fairness; it’s about looking good on paper. I’ve watched coworkers bust their ass for years, only to get passed over for someone less experienced because “we need more representation in leadership.” It’s like performance doesn’t matter anymore—just optics. And it’s exhausting pretending it doesn’t get to me.

I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, but lately, I’m asking myself why? If the promotions, raises, and recognition are going to people based on factors completely outside of their work, then what’s the point? Every meeting feels like another round of performative nonsense. We can’t even talk about improving sales or efficiency without someone throwing in a forced social angle, as if productivity is suddenly a dirty word. And don’t even get me started on the “optional” events that aren’t really optional—if you don’t attend the latest DEI seminar or pride workshop, you’re suddenly not a “team player.” Meanwhile, the actual job we’re here to do keeps getting harder, expectations keep rising, and the only thing that isn’t improving is the people actually running things. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this new version of the workplace, but at this point, I don’t care anymore. I’ve seen what gets rewarded and what doesn’t, and it’s clear that playing fair isn’t the way to win. So yeah—I give up. Not because I can’t keep up, but because I’m tired of pretending this system makes any sense.

I'm a 16 year old male. I was born into a religious household, where Christianity was the most important thing for us. I won't be going into this exact part so much, but I want to offer some context. I was beaten up a lot since I was a kid. I still remember many of the things they did to me. Say, that time my mother struck me with the sharp side of a metal ruler for rolling on the ground as an 8-10 year old. I wasn't throwing a tantrum, I was just... rolling on a floor. With no one watching. And my clothes got a bit dirty for an event we had that day. I still remember that time she dropped me in an orphanage for eight hours straight after misbehaving in one of my Taekwondo classes... As an 10 year old. I still remember all of it. And how powerless I felt every time.

Since the start, they made me understand very clearly that I did not have control over my mother, neither on myself. If you're wondering where my father is, he "doesn't like to get involved" in those beatings, since then, my mother lashes into him. My mother has a history of mental illnesses (specifically, depression caused by her even sh#ttier mother). There was no fighting back. There was no chance for me to have a say in anything. My mother had the final word over everything. This only laid the groundwork for the things I'm going through now.

As any traditional christian parent, both my mother and father are extremely homophobic, transphobic, and my mother specifically is racist (and excuses herself by saying that she has black friends, but whatever. That's not the point here). As I entered puberty and started finding out who I was, I found myself liking what they deemed "girly" things. Long, fluffy hair (which, they never allowed me to have), the colors pink and red, Touhou project (a videogame saga)... Eventually, my parents suspected that I might be turning gay.

Every day, they would discuss with me. Every day, they would tell me to remove every single "girly" thing I had. I was pretty homophobic myself back then (and I apologize deeply), but I got forced into going through what a huge chunk of the queer community has to go through when coming out as something.

Every day, it was another discussion. A meaningless talk that extended for hours about my parents telling me that I was heading in the wrong path and repeating bible verses. They didn't want to change their minds. They only wanted to change mine.

Let's go to the present day. I... Don't feel well. I feel powerless and weak. I have seen first-hand that my parents would never accept me for who I truly am. I found out something lately. Every time I saw a trans woman, I could feel my blood boil. I found out... that it wasn't because I disliked transgender people. I wanted to be one.

Of course, I can admit it here. I want to be a woman. I want to be pretty, to be loved... And I know that, probably, that'll never happen. People at my school just see me as an autistic kid from which they ask homework when they need some. People exploit the fact that I'm extremely weak emotionally to their favor.

It all happened yesterday. I saw a video in Youtube of a trans woman telling her Highschool experiences with gender dysphoria. They were terrifyingly accurate with the things I was feeling... and I'll admit it. I felt so horrible while watching the video. It felt like being a wild animal in a cage, only able to watch other wild animals roam free and happily wherever they want. I can't do anything. I'm not anyone. I'm simply an insecure 16 year old.

She was able to achieve her goal, and she had other supporting her... why couldn't I...

I feel so isolated from others and myself. I have no one supporting me. No one asks me what I want. What I desire.

I desire to be a woman. and the thing I know about myself is that it's a strong feeling. I'm not making it up.

I just hate feeling like this so much. I hate knowing that, despite any path I choose to take, no one will love me regardless.

Not even my parents. I understand they want the best for me, but... they are the same ones that threatened me to never forgive me and take me out of their will if I ever come out as something. They would rather forgive me for murder than for choosing to be gay. And I'm not coming up with that, my mother told that to me.

I just... want to be a woman.

At the same time, I know I can't.

I feel like I have NO control over my own life.

I'm stuck like this for... who knows how long.

I stopped feeling comfortable with myself a long time ago.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm myself not a suicidal person, but...

I'm here because I need advice. I acknowledge that, maybe, I'm the wrong one, and I'm willing to accept that, if it is true.

I love my best friend. He's kind, sweet, amazing, and he listens and understands me so well. But I can't have him... I can't express any love besides platonic love for him cause he knows I have a bf and is friends with him. (my bf is cool if I date or like other people in our relationship.) I'm in love with my best friend, he treats me well, treats me nicely, and gosh, he's so cute. I don't know what to do, I love this boy with all my heart and we've known each other for years now. I want to tell him how I feel just so he can just reject me and I get over it more easily, but I don't want to ruin our friendship. What should I do?

So at our school we have this morning holding thing where we go in the gym and sit and socialize before class starts. I was sitting in the bleachers with my friends (none of the names are real) Katy, Ella, Barley, and Harley. (no I did not rhyme that on purpose). Harley was talking about some Dan Bull song she hates, and I mentioned that Dive Into the Madness and that one Minecraft skeleton song by him are actually pretty good. Barley agreed, saying that not all Dan Bull songs were bad. And then the madness.

See, I don't know what's wrong with me, but if I think of a movie line or a song lyric in the middle of a conversation, I HAVE to say it. It takes a lot of willpower not to.

So the first line of the chorus of Dive Into the Madness came to mind as we were discussing Dan Bull, and I sang it. Barley, who was sitting kind of in front and to the right of me, turned and said, "This isn't high school musical!" because he gets annoyed when I do my song thing. But I can't not do it. He doesn't know that it's something I don't control. He thinks it's just me.

But anyway, it still hurt. And now I don't really want to talk to him because he says a lot of things that make my "playlist brain" go crazy for some reason and I don't want to annoy him. Not that he even ever really talks to me much anymore anyway.

Y’all I know this is a common problem, and maybe I’m just another sufferer

My wife has been cheating on me— that’s what my child says. She’s just 7 years old— an age where she shall burst with creativity, she could possibly be lying— right? That’s what I thought last week, but was proven to be true today. Indeed that intelligent 7 year old’s words were right

I feel bad for her, how come she knows what cheating is at that young age?

My wife cheated, I don’t really care

My daughter has been going through more than I expected her to ever come across, and I never realised. How do I cheer her up now?

I am here yet again, if it's possible to click my username and see what all I've said, I still have no idea if that is something that can be done or not- my previous posts go over my situation in more depth. The short of it is: I am intersex, trans, mixed race, chronically ill and disabled and a trauma survivor. America is a hellscape, I need to get out of it, have for years and now here we are. I was attacked twice since Trump's election just trying to buy groceries, my doctor tried to take away medication I need to survive, as my intersex condition has severe health consequences that I NEED HRT for. It's not just about presentation for me (though it also helps dysphoria), it's that if I do not have it I will bleed out and my testosterone levels will go up so high it could cause heart damage or worse... I just say these things to be understood. My situation.

My mother and grandparents raised me with strict religious rules and the like, to the point where an exorcism was allowed to be attempted on me when I was thirteen or so because my obvious symptoms of a trauma disorder (among other signs of being a SA survivor) plus being intersex was a no-no. They wanted it corrected. I still deal with severe scrupulosity, guilt and just... Hurt, so much hurt and fear because of it all, it's too much to get into but that I think paints a clear enough picture even without knowing just all it included.

To the point. Current events are pricking at the 'be rapture ready' teachings I got shoved down my throat, I don't even know what I believe anymore, it's hard to feel belief or love for a god that you were abused in the name of. Who, if he's out there, has heard me scream and cry and beg and did nothing. If he's not, well... Is that better or worse? I don't know. I've been saying I'm agnostic but even saying it makes me feel like I need to kneel and beg for forgiveness for denying god so I just try to avoid it as a whole. Even so, though, there are still times where I give in to compulsions and wind up praying for hours for forgiveness and to be saved. Hurting my body in the process, as I have joint issues, that's my primary disability physically at least. The one time I tried to reach out for help for this, to my mother, her only response was. "It's never a bad thing to pray."

Every time I see someone say that it's the end of the world, in a religious sense or not, I just start sobbing and have to fight the urge to just pray and pray and beg until my throat hurts and my joints are on fire. Every time I see people in other countries say we are all responsible and can't be trusted due to Trump and MAGA, which don't get me wrong I understand because look at everything but I wish people would remember that there are people about to be slaughtered that tried to warn everyone about this that they're lumping in with their oppressors, I just want to do the same. Beg and plead with god to make this all stop. I have before, I did the other day, and asked for a sign that he hadn't thrown me away. Guess what happened next?

I found a bag of rotting meat that someone hadn't put in the fridge or freezer after we went to the store. I just broke down sobbing.

There are coincidences, I believe that it was one, the logical part of me. The part of me still grappling with the abuse, grooming and indoctrination I was put though keeps telling me. "He was telling you you're going to rot. You're disgusting, evil, you deserve the painful death awaiting you before you are sent to burn in hell." And, if you are reading this and highly religious, don't even bother commenting. I don't want to hear your proselytizing and hatred. I've heard any and everything you could possibly tell me, I assure you, it will do nothing. You won't get any good points with the man upstairs for converting a "lost soul." I'm not even an atheist, like I said, I just don't know what the hell I am and even if I am a believer the word 'Christian' now burns me given what has been done to me and the current state of the world. The rise of Christo-Fascism.

I have no one to talk to, so, I am going to now write something here I wrote the other day in a debate/conversation in an online circle that I saved to show my therapist so she could see how badly I've been doing. I just need someone to hear me, I guess? That's how and why I'm here. I googled 'anonymous venting sites' and found this here. I am sorry I keep spamming here. Now, the comment (and yes I showed my therapist):

"I hope and pray to whoever is listening that I manage to get someone to help me out of America before we're all caged in, I won't make it, I check damn near every box for people Trump and his not-sees want dead. I would say that I hope countries start allowing refugees from here, especially the most vulnerable like disabled folk and the lgbtqia2p community, but MAGAs fleeing what they voted for (and the ones who tantrumed over Kamala not being perfect enough for him so didn't vote at all which basically voted him in anyhow) are too big a risk to let in on accident. So, I know most likely no one will let us flee to safety, it's terrifying and heartbreaking. I can't say I blame them, though. Look at how everything is going, the things he is saying. Doing. So, as sad and scared and mad as I am, I give all support to them. I just wish that those who have been trying to warn everyone from the start, those on the chopping block first, were not forgotten and punished. I wish we could get thrown a life preserver. Here's to history never repeating again, to other countries standing strong, putting Trump in his place."

I really do feel like I'm just trying to crawl out of a Russian Nesting Doll, or a maze of cages, I was able to escape the first one my so called father trapped me in. Now, I'm in another, my mother may have saved me from him but has still kept me trapped. It's still no way to live, there is still harm, I'm just not in direct danger constantly like with him. I am afraid that the moment I finally get out on my own (I am a disabled adult dependent after being stuck with my father is the short version trying to find my way to being able to function independently safely) I will find that I'm just in yet another prison the size of a country. Or, a state, if it ends up with state to state travel even being banned...

I still keep praying even though it feels like no one is listening, I have to, I have no other choice. My brain won't let me completely give up on the possibility god is up there listening, won't let me deny completely, even if I feel pure terror first and foremost. And, well, I don't have any people in my life to go to do I? So, all I can do is cry and cower, complain in spaces like these or beg a sky that may or may not be empty (or at least hold something that despises me despite creating me) for help.

My confession.

Well

I’m 14, newly 14. I recently have had a baby. Titus, is what I named him, no one knows. No one thinks that he’s mine, I’ve been just saying he’s my mom’s, she’s absolutely pissed about it but she loves him. I just can hold it in, telling people he’s not my baby and that I feel the longer I tell people he’s not mine the more he will think that I’m not his mother. I refused to stay at the hospital for the 3 days because I would’ve missed school and it would’ve been suspicious. So I went, literally eating pain medicine for lunch and breakfast. I have to pump everyday before and after school, I do this because He is tongue tied and breastfeeding him is difficult. The father doesn’t know yet, and I don’t think he ever will. What do I do?

Dont know how to start, but last year I told my partner to never ever loan money online because I kept on worrying that he would get scammed in instead of getting what he wanted, later on when we were heading home I noticed that he kept hiding his phone from me whenever I would peek, and obviously I noticed something strange as he usually let's me peek to his phone, moving foward is that he told me that he borrowed some money online to buy something that he really wanted (p.s. things are getting a little bit rough fue to financial problems), I was mad but forgave him later on and told him the second time that he should promise me that he wouldn't borrow or loan some money online. Moving foward things are going great we were having fun, but I dont specifically know how I know again but he borrowed money again through online because his reason is that "he was irritated and out of his mind by the we had an argument to each other" which I was angry and a bit sad because firstly notnonly he broke his promise to me but at the same time it feels like it was my fault that we fought to each other. I didn't argue back but just scolded him because it was also affecting me to, as because the cost kept getting higher and he needed help so I lend him some money. I told him the THIRD TIME that he should promise me again and stop spending and start saving money. At this point I dont know why but im slowly losing trust on him whenever he would do something I just kinda accepted it, never argue about it because it will only make things worst.

Recently he reached out to me again that he needed to pay something, which is for the money he borrowed again online, I didn't argue but yet dissapointed, I told him that this time he should pay me back because heck the money he needed to pay is out of my budget, since I "love him" that much I lend him some cash, later on since I was bored I wanted to play with my partner so I asked him out to play with me, and thinking also that he would be easy on me and even be affectionate towards me since I did him a favor and such, i expected too much and didn't gpt that kind of treatment but it's whatever its just a game, during the game there's this figurine he wanted to buy and even told his dad and such and he agreed (p.s. we are only college students that still needed support from our parents) and he wanted to ask the buyer if its still available on the day of his birthday, which he reached out to me needing help to chat the seller and I told him I would do it later as because we were playing, on our last game which he reminded me again that he needed help I told him I would do it later, but he seems soo desperate to ask the seller and decided to ask it himself in a mad tone, which I got angry and he got angry with me saying "I'll do it myself, all ypu wanted to do just to play" which I got furious so I left the game.

Things aren't good with us recently and kept on thinking the things that I have done to him, providing him financial needs whenever he needed to without asking anything in return and even the love that he needed since everything is going rough with him so as much a possible I tried to become supportive, but in return it feels like the more I provide the lesser i get in return, I've been expecting a lot to him, maybe something more affectionate rather than giving me such sexual activities and such, even though i kept telling myself when he's happy then I'm happy but at the same time I don't feel like that.

I can't even confront him my feelings like before, can't even cry out like this in front of him, knowing nothing will happen, I've been distancing my real feelings with him, should I just leave him if this keeps happening, all the vreak prormises that he told me he would srop doing it to me, the things even the little ones he would get angry about, mybfeelings being invalidated knowing if I opened up he will get angry with me or even being dissapointed with me.

bye I'm leaving for the sake of my old friends

bye

I've been spending quite a bit of time at my girlfriend Caroline's place, and her younger sister, Emily, who is 12, seems to have taken a peculiar interest in my belongings. She has repeatedly taken items like my phone, keys, and watch, only to hide them and leave me hints to their whereabouts. Caroline's family finds Emily's antics rather charming and funny; however, I'm left feeling quite frustrated, especially when I'm crawling behind furniture to retrieve my phone.

Emily excuses her actions by claiming she deserves my belongings more than I do, and that I should play along to win them back. It's odd to me that her parents haven’t intervened more decisively.

I brought this up with Caroline, expressing that I found her sister's behavior irritating and disrespectful, rather than amusing. I also mentioned my discomfort with how her parents were handling the situation.

Caroline was quick to defend her sister, suggesting that she’s just being a typical kid and couldn't be faulted for it. She argued that kids often act out and shouldn't be held to adult standards of behavior.

This is hard for me to accept, since I was raised in a strict Asian household where respect for others' belongings was emphasized, particularly in the presence of guests. In my family, such behavior would have been corrected immediately.

Despite this, I reiterated to Caroline that this issue isn’t about her sister’s age but about respect for other people's property. Caroline claimed it was unreasonable for me to expect her sister to behave like an adult, but agreed to discuss it with her parents, albeit reluctantly.

The entire situation is making me wonder if I’m being too harsh, or if my expectations are indeed justified. Imagine if this were playing out on a reality TV show, capturing every hidden cellphone and whispered argument. How would viewers react to seeing someone’s personal items repeatedly hidden for laughs? It could potentially swing public opinion, painting me either as a villain intolerant of a child’s play or as a victim of unchecked mischief.

What do you think, would this kind of family drama fly on a reality show?

lately, it’s like i’m walking around in my own body but everything feels off. like im not really here, like someone swapped out the real me and left this weird, tired, distant version behind. i still do all the same things—wake up, go to work, see people, even laugh at jokes—but none of it feels right. there’s this weird fog in my head, and even when im smiling, it doesn’t feel real. i keep thinking back to how i used to be. more energetic, more excited, more… alive, i guess. but now? now i just go through the motions and hope no one notices how weird everything feels inside. it’s like my brain is on autopilot and i’m just watching. and what’s worse is i can’t even explain it properly when someone asks what’s wrong? cuz i don’t know. i don’t know when it started, or why, or what triggered it. all i know is that i don’t feel like myself anymore—and that terrifies me.

some days are worse than others. sometimes i wake up and for a second i feel okay, like maybe today’s the day it breaks and i’ll feel normal again. but then something small happens—like i forget something stupid or someone says something in a tone that hits wrong—and boom, it’s back. the emptiness, the disconnection. i try to force myself to do the things i used to love. music, movies, friends, even food. but they don’t hit the same. i keep waiting to feel something spark again, something that says “yes, this is you,” but it just… doesn’t come. nd the more i try to force it, the more fake i feel. like i’m pretending to be okay because im supposed to be okay. i mean, nothing major is happening, i have a roof, a job, people around me. but still, this weight sits on me like i’m broken in a way no one else can see.

i thought maybe it was stress. maybe burnout or something. or maybe it’s just one of those phases people go through when they’re figuring stuff out. but it’s been weeks now, maybe even months, and i still don’t feel right. i’ve started pulling away from people cuz i don’t know how to be around them when i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i cancel plans or show up and zone out the whole time. nd it’s not that i don’t love my friends, i do. but i feel like im watching myself from the outside, doing and saying what i’m supposed to, while inside i’m just numb. or sad. or tired. or all of it. nd it makes me feel guilty too. like i’m wasting time, ruining things, making people worry when i don’t even have a good reason. so i just say i’m fine, just tired, hoping no one digs deeper, cuz i wouldn’t even know what to tell them if they did.

i just want to feel like me again. i want to wake up and not feel like i’m bracing for something i can’t even name. i want to look in the mirror and recognize what’s behind my eyes, not this dull, distant look that doesn’t match the person i remember being. i miss that version of me—the one who laughed loud without forcing it, who got excited over small things, who didn’t feel so... out of place in her own life. i don’t know how to get back there. or if i even can. but i’m trying. slowly. some days, just getting out of bed feels like progress. and maybe that’s all i can do right now. keep trying, keep showing up, even if i feel like a ghost of myself. cuz somewhere deep down, i know i’m still here. i have to believe that. even if i don’t feel like myself right now... maybe, someday, i will again.