Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

i don’t even think i can put into words how fucked i am, am i really doing this to myself? i want this to be fake and im just doing it for attention but for who? i dont tell anyone shit and when i do i just end up feeling like a burden, it’s just fucked having to tell someone you care so much about that you just want to go away forever, medications don’t make it any better , i’m now on the 4th antidepressant hoping it’ll work it’s been a couple weeks and nothing, this just makes me feeling like maybe i am faking maybe this all because some reason i don’t know yet, i don’t wanna do this anymore i want this to be fake , maybe im in a coma and ill wake up soon or something, it’s like and indescribable parasite is latched onto me sucking the life out of i feel like there’s a huge pit not in my chest but whole soul i feel like times is passing slower around me and i can’t even move sometimes , im just paralyzed with this cloud of despair, i can’t even cry how i want to, i just want some sort of release and to stop this hate i’ve had for myself all my life i just want to be someone else or to be outside of this body for just an hour or two just feel ok

Ive been thinking a lot of this lately. ever since matric, and uni, I've been so loaded with my procrastination, slow working pace, and poor time management; I felt I was constantly behind and even it's an endless cycle. because of that stress, I was always in my room, glued to one spot fighting myself and fighting with time, motivation and discipline to study (I still am); and I hardly went out of my room, I hardly spent any time with my family, hardly spoke, you know how it goes.

now its long days at uni and endless work and assignments, and nothing has changed since matric. I don't get how I procrastinate so much. I've tried everything - changed study spaces, tried different methods, deleted all social media applications, used timers, read motivational phrases, etc etc. I just can't seem to study and maintain the concentration, the ethic, the discipline. and because of this, I feel like every other time I spend out of my room, my study space, is time wasted and Im running short and I can't stay out here and waste time. I literally don't have any responsibilities around the house, and I feel guilty but also grateful to my parents for being so ..you know. everytime I do go visit my grandmother, who stays right next to our house, she tells me oh I don't even see you anymore. you always so busy. but i die with guilt that they think I'm sitting and hustling and grinding away, when I'm actually studying for 10 mins and the other 4 hours eg, are distractions.

another thing, my siblings hardly see me. I don't see myself playing any role as a sibling, and I'm afraid that they'll lose that already weak connection with me. I come home so tired and stressed that I don't connect, speak, laugh with him. I hate to admit but I don't want them to go out and spend long enough time with another person my age and compare me to that person, saying they wish they had a sibling like that person. I know I'm not enough, I'm not doing enough for them to be close to me to miss my presence. if I'm not there, they've already gotten so used to it, like it doesn't affect me. like they didn't even think about me, forget missing me. and I know my siblings so its about "maybe that's what I think but they could be missing and not saying". I know them. I don't want that me not being there is not even acknowledged. I want tthem to feel my absence, the slight emptiness. and the worst part is I wasn't like this- distant, disconnected with them, obviously.

I'm genuinely really struggling. please help me.

I'm so inlove with this Nigerian guy that I gave him $300 .. next week he wants to propose so he wants $200 😍😍😍 the love of my life.

Being the black sheep of the family isn't easy, trust me, I know. I've always felt different from my siblings and it sometimes feels like I'm speaking a different language entirely. They all seem to have their lives figured out, with successful careers in corporate finance or engineering, while I'm here pursuing an art career. It's like I'm operating in a completely different system. "Why don't you just get a real job?" they say at family gatherings. It's frustrating but I try not to let it get under my skin too much.

The thing is, I love what I do. Painting and creating makes me feel alive, even if it's not as 'stable' as they'd like. It's not about proving them wrong but showing what true passion looks like. Sure, I might not have the typical 9-to-5 schedule or the steady paycheck that comes with it; yet my heart's invested in every brushstroke on canvas and that's something incredibly special to me ❤️. Sometimes it gets lonely being misunderstood by those closest to you but I've learned to find comfort in small victories and personal growth rather than external validation.

So he dumped me. Yeah, it's the classic story of a two-year relationship ending in a blazing inferno of heartbreak and confusion. Ever felt your heart drop to your stomach like a malfunctioning elevator? That's exactly how it went down. Two years of late-night cuddles, inside jokes, and shared Spotify playlists just tossed aside like yesterday’s trash. And here I am, a 21-year-old woman, staring at my reflection asking, "why can't I stop crying?" 😭

Seriously though, who even decides it's perfectly fine to obliterate someone’s universe over a text? That's right, he broke up with me over a damn text! Talk about modern-day dating atrocities. Why did I ever trust someone with the emotional intelligence of a goldfish? As you can guess, I haven’t stopped crying since. Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I've been caught in a torrential downpour without an umbrella. RIP my post-breakup plans 🌧️ They say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them; does that mean I've got a solid year of this emotional rollercoaster still to ride? 🚂

The rational part of me knows this is just a transient phase, that I'll eventually overcome this episode; but the other part, the one that holds onto those self-inflicted pity parties, has a different narrative to spin. Funny, you never really understand the term 'emotional baggage' until someone decides to up and leave, leaving you with enough emotional luggage to open a boutique. Yet here I am, holding onto the scraps of memories and the wreckage of what was. Aren't we supposed to grow from these experiences? Or is that just a nugget of wisdom to placate the wounded ego? 🤔

I'm almost 18 and I lost my dad during January, 2024. He apparently died overnight due to a complication of diabetes. I don't remember what day it was, I just know it was the day we all went back to school after winter break. Our relationship was never good. I was his only daughter and he was raised with unhealthy viewpoints on women and their roles in society. Not a great combo. I was ridiculed by him often for my shortcomings, or just for nothing at all to be honest. Everyday was a constant battle with him and the other members of our family living in the house. I mostly took care of everything leading up to his death. My mother was a recovering drug addict, so she did not have custody of me or my brother. The only mother figure I had was my grandmother, who would endorse my father's negative behavior and scratch it off to him being stressed or unhealthy, which was true but not justifiable. Custody was given to my aunt.

My aunt and I were close, and I always dreamed of living with her. But now that I am, I'm indescribably lonely and I don't know how to deal with this. It's like I'm stuck in some weird out of pocket void that no one knows or acknowledges, because they're too busy revolving within their own lives. That sounded cringey but you get the point. My friends have moved on and I'm witnessing my aunt interact with her own biological children and it just makes me so...angry. I know thats wrong but I honestly just feel so frustrated. I wanted this love. This love that can only come from a mother or father. But I was cheated out of it by both parents. My aunt claims she loves me as one of her own kids but I know thats not true. I should just be grateful that she loves me, shouldn't I? Why isn't that enough for me? Why do I want to go and be jealous of everyone around me and make myself miserable in the process? But that parental love I want just can't be mimicked or replicated. There will always be differences between the love for ones own children and a relative. And I can't explain the pain that eats at my chest whenever I witness these imbalances. It's suffocating but its no ones fault. I think thats the worst part for me, that there's no one I can blame for this.

That's why I came on here for the first time. I need advice or just someone who can relate to me. How do you deal with this loneliness? How do you deal with the absence of a true parental love? Will this feeling ever go away?

I appreciate anyone who sees and reads this post, especially those who take the time to offer me some insight. May you all have a good day/night.

I daydream about my mother in law dying. I will maintain my composure when that day comes but it will probably be one of the happiest in my life. To never have to endure her presence again.

I have a friend I'll call V, and I've been with him for a really long time. Something I've noticed through the years is that he's really irratable, and his mood can switch within seconds. He's a really nice person overall, but sometimes I wonder if he's going too far. In the past week, I created a youtube channel and made a challange that whichever one of my friends finds it first gets a prize I couldn't think of, so V reccomened $30 bucks and we agreed. From what I've understood, both of us have been really exited (V had a lot of questions about the channel and whatnot, and I would update them about the first video frequently). But recently, I don't know what happened but I think they kind of snapped and told me the whole challange thing was cringe, and from what I can tell got mad about how I couldn't think of a reward and needed ideas at the begining. I don't know if I did anything wrong recently, but I've kind of given up on asking that because of how pissed they get when I do (even when I explain how my autism kind of makes me not know what happened, and me asking what I did isn't me trying to be rude but genuinely wanting to know to take responsability). I don't know what they want me to do either, because it's always mixed. They're the reason I've become a better person (because I used to be a terrible friend to an older friend), but at the same time make me wonder why I even try anymore. At the beginning of the year, they told me I should actually show I care about people (back then I would love people to death but not know how to show it), yet when I started asking questions about their day they said it was annoying and so at some point I just stopped. The only way I really know how to interact with V is by just nodding along when they talk about their intrests, but then that backfires because they say I have no personality and they don't like people with no personalities. I don't feel like I can talk about my personal life with them anymore, and it's gone as far as when two of my pets died I just shut up about it. They say that they know a lot about me and my life (because they say I yapp a lot, though I've been going nonverbal around them), but I know there's a lot I need to tell them (like my triggers and such) that I physicaly cannot now. I've changed over the past year, but the past is the only version of myself that they know.

I'm just tired and really didn't want my summer break to start off this way. I know thats there's still probably a lot they're going through that I don't know about, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm just tired of this happening and really wish they'd communicate what they want more because I'm very confused.

It calls my name once again, the sting, the red streaks, the long lines that mark my skin...oh how I miss the pain, the ache, the burn as each cut goes deeper and deeper till I finally start to feel, even if it is only pain... atleast it's something.

The nastalgia floods my mind, reminds me of who I was and how each time I continued to fail.

Failed my friends, failed my family...failed myself.

Each cut a rewarding sting yet a punishment for being so weak...now not as common but still ring in the back of my head.

It calls to me, and I give in, over and over again...although I'm stronger, my heart still aches the same as it did back then, and so, my mind continues to remind me of my cherry red failures as the blade sinks in.

1,2,3...

My 30th birthday dinner was meant to be a special occasion. Planned as a joyous family gathering at a restaurant, it was essentially the highlight of my birthday celebrations since I hadn’t organized a party. However, events took an unexpected turn earlier today when my brother and his wife called me, bubbling with excitement to share their news of expecting a baby. Naturally, I was overjoyed for them and we went through all the customary celebratory conversations. But then, they dropped a question that caught me off guard. They wanted to know if I would be okay with them announcing their pregnancy to our parents during my birthday dinner, explaining that since his wife had been feeling nauseous and wasn’t drinking, it would make sense to share the news now. They assured me they could wait and announce it at another family-focused event if I preferred.

The mere fact that they asked this of me stung a bit. It’s not been easy celebrating personal milestones recently, with numerous past birthdays ending in disappointment and my university graduation being overshadowed by the pandemic. Turning 30 felt monumental, especially considering I don’t plan on the traditional milestones of marriage or children anytime soon. With these thoughts heavy on my mind, I asked for some time to think and promised to call them back.

Feeling somewhat cornered, I decided it would be best if they didn’t share their news at my birthday dinner. They seemed to understand, but when I expressed how their request had put me in an awkward position, the conversation quickly soured. They became defensive and my sister-in-law even raised her voice. The call ended on a terse note, leaving me more distressed than before.

This upheaval completely soured my mood and the thought of sitting through a dinner pretending to be cheerful was unbearable. I ended up calling my parents to postpone the dinner, unable to provide a full explanation, which led to their obvious frustration and the reservation’s cancellation fee.

In a bid to clear the air, I reached out directly to my brother. I tried to explain the depth of my feelings and questioned whether he would have made such a request if it were another significant celebration, like an engagement dinner. The conversation was a long one, with pauses and equivocations, but it ended with my brother apologizing, though the damage was done.

Our rescheduled dinner now won't happen until far after my actual birthday due to my brother’s job constraints, making the whole event feel somewhat pointless.

On top of it all, the backlash from the family for the dinner being delayed and the resultant unpleasantness has been directed at me, making me question if I am the one at fault here.

Imagine if this scenario had unfolded on a reality TV show. The dramatic phone calls, the tense family dynamics, and the emotions riding high could have made for quite the episode. Viewers likely would have been split—some siding with me over the importance of respecting my birthday wishes, while others might argue that family news could enhance the celebratory atmosphere. The debates would swirl not just within the confines of my family, but across social media platforms, as the public weighed in on the family drama unfolding on screen.

Would you have let your siblings announce their pregnancy at your birthday dinner?

so, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this whole freelancing gig combined with building a SaaS platform, right? it’s honestly a mess. I’m 25, and not a developer at all, but here I am, thinking I can just roll up my sleeves, watch a few YouTube videos on how to build software with AI, and magically make it all happen; my girlfriend? yeah, she's not so supportive anymore. when I first told her I was going to dive into this thing, her eyes kinda lit up, but that faded quickly into this cold hard stare like she’s watching a train wreck in slow motion. she keeps saying things like, “you know, not everyone is cut out for this, and maybe you’re just wasting time and money.” and honestly, those words gnaw at me like a constant background static. it's amazing how someone you love can inspire both motivation and doubt at the same time. after binge-watching videos, you’d think I’d be golden; but no, it turns out that coding is like trying to learn a foreign language while climbing a mountain blindfolded! it’s not simple, it’s not intuitive, and sometimes I feel like the more I learn, the less I actually know. I keep telling myself, “there is no try, only do,” but is that even true? with everything from front-end user interfaces that need to look sleek to back-end architecture that needs to be solid, it feels like I’m trying to juggle flaming swords while blindfolded! the other day, I attempted to code this feature that I thought would be revolutionary, right? I’d been watching some tutorial on how to incorporate machine learning to analyze user behavior but when I finally tried to implement it, my code just crapped out on me; I didn’t just get an error, I got an existential crisis wrapped in a tech failure. I mean, seriously, who am I fooling? I’m sitting here staring at this screen like I’ve lost my mind, and the worst part? the more I dive into this, the more I can feel her doubts creeping in and sinking into my brain! it’s relentless! how do I prove to her—or even myself—that I can really make this work? every time I show her a little bit of progress, it’s like I can hear her inner voice saying, “great, another day wasted on a pipe dream.” but you know what? that’s the struggle of the freelancer, isn't it? constantly battling not just market competition but your inner demons and the opinions of those around you! and don’t even get me started on all the self-proclaimed “entrepreneurs” online spinning tales of their immense success one month after they started their business. do you ever wonder if some of them are just pulling a fast one on us? there has to be a good chunk of them who are just as lost as I am, right? sometimes I feel like I'm just another cog in a giant machine that’s destined to break down. I mean, come on! does anyone actually just pick up coding and have instant success? because if that’s the case, then I might need to re-evaluate my life choices! it’s not all sunshine and rainbows; it’s more like being trapped in a perpetual storm cloud that rains down self-doubt instead of water. while I keep pushing through these coding blocks and trying to keep my head above water, every notification I get seems like a reminder of how much further I am from any type of success. have you ever felt that way, where every step forward is accompanied by a hundred steps backward? do you think it’s just a psychological trick that our minds play on us? like the more you succeed, the more brutally aware you become of the uphill battle ahead? I even signed up for a few forums and groups, thinking I’d find solidarity or a little inspiration, but honestly, it seems like it’s just an echo chamber of complaints and failed projects; sure, there are success stories sprinkled in there, but a lot feel like gimmicks, you know? how do some people garner millions in funding while I’m just out here sweating over a simple AI-driven user interface? am I just a fool chasing after shadows, or can I actually turn this around?! sometimes I think I should just toss in the towel and get a 'real' job that pays the bills instead of this stressful rollercoaster ride of tech dreams and failures. it’s exhausting living on this edge of hope and despair every single day while I try to create something out of nothing. so what do I do? do I listen to my girlfriend and consider this a lost cause or do I forge ahead blindly into the chaos of the unknown, clinging to this idea that if I push hard enough, maybe, just maybe, I’ll find something worthwhile on the other side of all this mess?

it's so fking hard to stop loving someone, I mean, how the hell do people even manage that, huh? I keep trying to put her out of my mind, erase her from my memories like she’s some software bug I can just uninstall; but it’s not that simple. every damn thing reminds me of her—the smell of cheap perfume on a bus seat, the laugh of some random chick on TikTok, the way a stupid barista smiles at me when she hands me my coffee—it’s all her, always her. I delete photos, block her everywhere, I even tossed her hoodie in the trash; but every time I close my eyes, I see her face like it’s burned into my brain. my therapist says to “accept the loss” and “move on,” but that’s a load of crap. moving on is a f*ing myth. love isn’t a switch you can flip, it’s like a damn virus infecting your whole system, and no amount of blocking or ignoring will make it stop hurting. I keep thinking maybe if I hook up with someone else, it’ll push her out of my head, but all it does is make me feel more empty. and do you ever wonder if you’re broken for feeling this way, like if you’re defective or stuck in some malfunctioning loop of code? it’s pathetic.

I’ve tried rationalizing the situation, using every mental trick I know to reprogram my thoughts, but none of it works. I sit there at night, mind racing like some overclocked processor, looping over every conversation, every fight, every “I love you” she ever whispered, and it’s like I’m trapped in a feedback loop of self-loathing and desperation. I know I should cut ties, reboot my life, and patch up the damn leaks in my emotional firewall, but it feels impossible. how do you purge someone from your mind when every piece of your soul is still clinging to the idea of them? and yeah, maybe I’m overthinking it, maybe I’m making it more complicated than it needs to be, but how do you simplify something so fing complex? the worst part is, even though I know she’s poison, even though I know she’s bad for me, I still crave her like some addict craving a fix. what kind of twisted logic is that? it’s like my own damn heart is working against me, sabotaging every attempt to break free. and you tell me, how do you stop loving someone who was your entire f***ing world?

To preface, yes, I am still a young adult, and logically I understand that I have many years ahead of me and many more people I've yet to meet. But I can't help but feel helpless about my current situation.

In brief, I'm deeply in love with my best friend and I have been for just over 2 years now.

As for the messy details, both of us were in relationships not that long ago, both with people in our wider group of friends. I broke up with my partner partially due to not knowing if I was ready for a long term relationship, partially due to festering guilt over my feelings for this friend (which I had since before getting into that relationship). He broke up with his because they didn't feel compatible, and he is aroace and wasn't able to meet their romantic needs.

To me, he is one of the most attentive, kind, funny, and wonderful people I have ever met. I am not a people person, and even people I like drain my energy. But I feel like I need to spend time with him to recharge. Of course, nobody is flawless, I just find him absolutely irresistible. Maybe it would be easier to deal with these feelings if they were clearly unrequited, as I assumed they would be considering his identity, but this isn't exactly the case?

He doesn't really drink, and even when he does he almost never gets drunk. The first time he ever got truly drunk around me was after we were both newly single, and he told me he loved me and that he felt a way about me he'd never felt for anyone before. I didn't want to take this 100% seriously considering how drunk he was (he didn't even remember saying it!) but he repeated it again later, sober. Since then, we have become very close. In my eyes, and in the eyes of those around us, we act essentially like we are in a relationship. Yet, we don't call it that. It's 'nothing official', and he doesn't want it to be anything like that. To make it messier, neither of our exes know about this, nor do our friends in that particular circle.

It's painful and confusing; to be held through the night and cooked breakfast in the morning, to be kissed and told I'm lovely, to be told "I love you," and know there is an undertone of "Not quite in the way that you mean it." (This is something we have directly discussed and that he has told me).

I feel like I need to be loved romantically and the security of a relationship. I am also not asexual and would like sexual intimacy he has no interest in—he will do some things on request but it seems more like a service to fulfill, so I don't really ask. I know this situation is not healthy. I just don't think I can bring myself to be distant with him. The time we spend together is when I can feel the most at home in body and mind, and he's helped me feel happiness like I've never felt before. He has quickly become my rock, especially as I have recently become physically unwell quite quickly, and he's taken on burdens in looking after me with no complaints.

There is no way I'm falling out of love with this man any time soon. I'm stuck like this, swinging between euphoria of spending time with him and insecure spiralling about his identity or lack of attraction towards me. He wants things to carry on as they have been, but I don't know if I can handle that. But if I were somehow able to tear myself away I think I would feel just as much pain, if not more, mourning our closeness. I think I'm doomed either way.

TL;DR: I am in a messy, doomed situationship with my aroace best friend.

Ok so the signs started the day we went on spring break (I'm in sixth grade btw ) and he (JB) didn't hug me like usual, like the whole day not at all. I wasn't too concerned but when I got home did my chores like usual bcuz my parents r so fcking strict and I have 5 out of 8 siblings living in our house w/ two parents fighting and yelling at each other and the kids including me. ages: J-4yo, C-8yo, Me/L-11yo, E-13yo, B-13yo, R-18yo. C is soo spoiled she is tearing our family apart shes literally hits my mom like shes 8 wtf she is super picky and barely eats she doesn't get hit like us and she does wtv she want my parents don't even care what she does she gets the best bday parties and the most love. So yea its very chaotic. I js hate my family they don't love me and I wanna run away but I cant there is no time to do it and there r so many locks on the door including an alarm. I finished my chores and texted him on my tablet bcuz I cant have a phone until 8th grade I hate that rule soo much. my parents keep my tablet in their room I can only have it once I finish my chores. So I get my tablet and text him but he don't text back AT ALL so I'm like so scared he's going to break up w/ me so I txt my bestie she says its ok and he wont break up w/ me she js wont belive me. anyway I'm like having a panic attack the whole spring break and when we go back to school he breaks up w/ me before 2nd period well his friend told me from across the fcking room bcuz JB was too much of a fcking pssy to do it himself and he was the best bf we had been dating for 4 month but it felt like forever and he gave me the best gifts butmy dumbvss friends didn't even here him? like wtf. anyway I started crying rlly hard but silently and my friend asked what was wrong but they alr knew before I answered bcuz I told them I KNEW I JS KNEW HE WOULD BREAK UP W/ ME all the girls in the class crowded around me and one girl(A) said "I'm better than JB I will be ur new bf" she is so funny after 2nd period I walked out and told my other friend abt that fiasco, in 3rd period the guy who told me we broke up asked me if I was ok and I wasn't but I nodded, I have 4 ppl who like me but idk who should be next. also srry abt all the grammar errors. lolll bye oh also this is all what caused me to cvt my self 3 times in a week.

Don't concern yourself with things that doesn't concern you like my wifi. Don't concern yourself with how stable it is if it's not crying. If you want to be a superhero erase my debt if you please :)))). Don't concern yourself with things that doesn't concern you coz after all it produces so much x100000000 damage than it could help someone. Unless we have talked in person that we be the only time it would be cleared but then again if you already judged someone already on your head no amount of explanation can heal yourself of judgements. Might as well don't give a dck about it if you please lol