Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

idk if im gay or bi or straight or just confused. like i see this one boy in my school and he smile at me and my brain went all like fuzzy?? not like when i look at girls sometimes idk it just feel different. not better or worse just weird. i dont like hate myself or nothing but i feel like i wanna know what this is. i try look at girls the same way but it not same feeling even tho i still think they look pretty. my friends always talk about girls like oh she's hot or whatever and i laugh along but i feel kinda fake. like why i dont feel that strong? but then again maybe i do just not same time or same way. my brain go all confuse when i try think hard. i seen some gay stuff online too and some of it make me feel things, like not bad things just kinda like oh that’s nice, and i dont know if that mean something or if it just a normal thing like people curious. i read that some people just need time to figure and that you not gonna have all answers at once so maybe that’s me too;

i talk to my cousin once, he gay and he said it took him years to know. he said don’t rush and just feel what you feel, don’t push it away but don’t force nothing either. he nice and i trust him but still i scared to even say to friends or anything. they not bad people just always making jokes like calling stuff gay like it’s dumb or weak or something and that make me not wanna say stuff even if i maybe gay. i don’t feel ashamed or like i’m doing wrong but i also don’t wanna be laughed at or treated weird. i think about future too and if i wanna have a boyfriend or girlfriend and it feel like both could maybe happen?? but also neither maybe?? is that even a thing? like not choosing or just feeling okay with both and letting it go where it go. i wish school teach this stuff better instead of just making us read poems from old dead guys. we got feelings too and not everyone feel same and that okay. sometimes i just wanna talk and say all this out loud but my throat close up like i scared of my own voice.

i still don’t have answer. maybe i never will get a big moment where i’m like “oh now i know”. maybe it gonna be little stuff adding up and one day i’ll just feel okay with whatever i am. for now i think it's fine to wonder and not know for sure. maybe you reading this feel same and that okay too. i’m just trying my best to be honest with myself and not hate anything i feel. i wanna like who i like and be okay with that. life already hard enough without me hating my own heart. so i gonna keep thinking and living and hoping that things get clearer. and maybe one day i’ll smile at someone and they smile back and it just make sense. 😊

Since high school, I've had two best friends that made up our inseparable trio: Alex (M19 and openly gay) and Rachel (F19). We went through a lot together during those years. About a year ago, though, Rachel started dating someone and it felt like she just didn't make as much effort to hang out. Nevertheless, we planned a celebratory group trip to the Dominican Republic for the end of our senior year. Although we were thrilled, it didn't kick off well when Rachel fell ill on the plane, setting the tone for what was to come.

During our stay at the resort, Rachel often complained about minor inconveniences like meal options and early morning excursions, and she preferred turning in early. One night, things escalated when she lashed out at Alex and me, accusing us of leaving her out, desiring the presence of other friends, and criticizing our enthusiasm for taking photos. She particularly directed her frustration at me, throwing around insults that stung. When we did get a moment alone, after she calmed down and Alex was preoccupied, we discussed everything. I explained how her distancing herself after getting a boyfriend made Alex and I closer, as we shared more experiences like graduating together from the same school, working at the same job, and just generally spending more time together.

Thankfully, we've moved past it, and the vacation, albeit with its ups and downs, turned out to be a blast. But now, three months later, Alex and I are planning a European adventure to Barcelona, Rome, and the Amalfi Coast and we haven't told Rachel. Given the dynamics of the previous trip, I'm hesitant to invite her knowing the challenges of longer travels and numerous destinations over 10 days. If she knew we were planning this without her, she'd undoubtedly be upset.

Alex came up with a strategy to avoid hurting her feelings: we pretend that the opportunity arose unexpectedly from a travel agent friend who mentioned a discounted package originally meant for a honeymoon, implying that it's exclusively for two. The plan sounds foolproof as it technically doesn’t accommodate a third person. Yet, part of me wonders if this deceit might actually be worse than just admitting she's a difficult travel partner.

Imagine, what if I were on a reality show? The cameras capturing every whispered strategy, every awkward conversation. How quickly could friendly deceit spiral into a dramatic on-screen fallout? It's one thing to handle these dilemmas privately, but under the watchful gaze of the public, each choice and word becomes part of a narrative we can’t easily control. Would the audience side with Rachel feeling excluded, or understand our need for a smoother holiday? It's a scenario ripe for reality TV drama.

Is it wrong to lie about the travel opportunity to avoid inviting a friend? Should we simply invite her anyway? What would you do?

a note to someone, who I wont mention by name

I'm not even sure they'll see this

you leaving has affected us all

filled us with hatred, remorse

I've stopped eating full meals

started farming attention from anyone and everyone

"I wasn't enough for you"

you were everything to me. and you threw it away and insulted me in the process

but I cant bring myself to hate you

cant bring myself to let it go

I'll stay here

waiting

waiting here

waiting now

waiting

for you

ok?

Isn't it strange how life takes unexpected twists and turns??!!! Here I am at 31, feeling like I should have everything figured out by now, but deep inside, I keep asking myself, "Why do I hate myself so much?" You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and the first thing that pops into your head is, “How did I mess that up again?” That's me, every single day. 😅 I mean, how unfair is it to feel so inadequate despite achieving a decent amount in life??! It's like there's this invisible rain cloud following me around, pouring down self-doubt whenever I least expect it. There's just this sadness that I can't seem to shake off.

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and think, "You're such a loser." And then I remember, I have friends who care, a job that pays the bills, and maybe even a little sparkle of potential hidden somewhere deeper. 🤞 So why?? Why do these thoughts even exist?? After all, it's said you're supposed to love yourself, right? And there's this inner voice whispering louder and louder, "You're your own worst critic, buddy!" It's frustrating, but also oddly motivating because I refuse to let doubt rule my world indefinitely!! Perhaps it's time to channel this energy into something good, to actually believe in myself for once. You've got to love the irony; here I am, dwelling on negative perceptions, yet clinging onto the hope that one day I might just wake up and feel “enough” for real. Is that too much to ask?? 🤔

Like genuinely I’m really starting to believe the whole ‘it’s really about the mindset’ thing like going into manifesting and all like IM in control with what I do with my life.. so I just have a couple stuff to ask about manifesting??

< attraction vs detachment vs assumption which is better??

< so manifesting is all about the mind and what u believe in so I don’t really have to do all that affirmations?

< like genuinely how can I make my mind believe something that isn’t there?

I was so excited for today, it's the first day of school and I was excited to see all my friends again . I was walking to lunch with my friend Mindy B when her girlfriend, Amy, came out of her class. I was friends with Amy for a long time but today she didn't even look at me. I just kind of distanced and now I'm sitting at lunch next to Mindy and Amy, but not close enough to talk easily.

I did something last year that could've made her hate me, and I don't like thinking about it, but here it is:

at the end of the year last year, I'm talking like last week of school, I was sitting at lunch with JJ, Amy, Will, Katy, and Mindy B. I made a random joke, like "'hey mom where do birds come from?' 'UH- BIRDS!'" and JJ, who's religious, was talking about Christianity when I made this joke, and he said to me, "Yeah, but where do those birds come from?" I get highly uncomfortable when people bring up religious topics, so I kind of blew up. I said that no one really cared and that he should just shut up. Of course after that I felt so horrible I could kick myself (and actually did).

Amy got upset with me, as well as JJ, but JJ forgave me. Amy obviously didn't. SO how do I make it right? I hate myself for what I said, and wish I'd never said any of it. So what do I do?

Heyah👋🏻😄!!

My bestie's boyfriend wants to propose to her💍.

They've picked out a wonderful oval diamond ring💍✨!!!

My bestie joked that we should go to a wedding dress store and try on dresses... Me included😱!! I'm not dating anyone... Let alone engaged🫠!! So, I don't know if that would be right for me to try on dresses🥴.

Plus, I'm 4 foot 11 inches tall with watermelons the size of H🫣!! I don't know any wedding dresses AT-STORES that would accommodate that🫥? But my bestie is 5 foot 6 inches tall and has average size fruits😊👍🏻✨!! Like... Hmmm🤔.... A larger honey crisp apple🍎... But 2 of them, since I don't know many people who only have 1 fruit naturally✨👀?

Anyway, what should I do, should I say, "sure" or "nah"? It would be nice to be there when she picks her dress... But I'm only seeing her for 3 days until I head back home for 2 days then hop back on a plane to fly across country🛬.

I am an only child, now 38 years of age, NOT married but has a baby and in good terms with the father of my baby - he is still my boyfriend

All my life my hero was my dad. He’d give me all i ask for. I was spoiled. I was a brat. Though it was like that, I knew he has some negative traits but i ignored. I would question only in the back of my mind but i wouldnt say anything because i wasnt allowed to talk back to elders, it was like an ultimate crime for a child to talk back to parents (even if questioning or defending).

His negative traits are:

HE LOOKS DOWN ON THE LESS FORTUNATE - he thinks highly of himself.

1)When i was young, he told me to slap my female cousin whenever she doesnt follow my command. And i even did one time sadly. I apologozed for it but he never did. He bribed her with stationeries and other things but never said the word sorry.

2)he discriminates my uncle (mom’s brother, so his brother in law) because he is gay. Whenever he passes by, he would talk to someone with him (usually service drivers) and say “if he was my brother, that will not be allowed. I will beat him til he becomes a man” the person he would say that to, doesnt react at all, seen it many times. He was like that since i was young. It’s one of the things i questioned in my head “what’s wrong if he’s gay? He is the one who tutored me, your daughter. He is the one who will drop off and pick up your daughter, ME, from school”

3)he discriminates my cousin (again, mother side) because he has autism. He will say things like “he’s old but he isnt normal, everything about him is just wrong”

HE HURTS ANIMALS

1)there were several times when i was in mu early 20s that i planned to move out and take my cats and dogs with me, my aunt (mom side) will just fix things between me and my dad. He never did say sorry for hurting any of my pets before. He never made initiative to make peace, as mentioned, my aunt would fix things between us

2)my mom slipped. There was a time when we talked on the phone and she told me she gave away her chihuahua because he has become too aggressive. And then when i actually talked to her in person she said that the chihuahua died because my dad my hitting him constantly with a bamboo stick

HE IS A HYPOCRITE

1)he actually said my cousin was like a frustrated sexy star then when things got messy between my dad and i (more of this mess later on), my cousin admitted that he was molesting her before. So she asked her boyfriend to get pregnant because it was her ticket out and she did get out but she said my dad uses to send her messages like “you are more beautiful now that you have your own kids”

2)my boyfriend buys him his maintenance medicine so we barely have money left for us so sometimes we cant immediately buy extra things for our baby, like a pacifier. It’s cheap but it’s not a necessity and i will hear him say “what kind of parent isbthat?! Cant even buy this, or that”. My boyfriend even bought him food for his birthday and he never said thank you to him. And instead he even asked about my ex boyfriend, the ex that hurt me physically, Used and abused me everyday, and my dad knows that.

Those are just some samples to describe him.

Now the family drama…

I worked abroad for 8 years. Came home only once, in the 4th year. And i came back home again because i was pregnant. I didnt want to marry nor have kids. I had a horrible experience with my ex. He would use and abuse me daily, and he even got me pregnant but hotnit aborted. He shoved pills down my throat regularly. But i never bled. There was pain and that’s when our baby got aborted. The midwife said it was better because the baby wouldnt have been normal anymore from the pills. That is just a summary of why i dont want to marry and have a baby. I am scared. But i have changed my mind regarding pregnancy but not marriage and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. I did in the second year but miscarried at 4th month. I set aside trying to get pregnant but i did again after 3 months from the miscarriage. So i went back home thinking things changed well it did but for the worse. I am in a long distance relationship and i live in hell.

During my pregnancy my dad cursed at my boyfriend when he wanted to look for another doctor for second opinion because it was all caesarean caesarean all the way. When i finally gave birth, my boyfriend paid for everything by the way and he is still the one supporting me and our baby and he is still the one buying my father’s meds and he is still the one giving additional financial support to MY family for food etc because im a full time stay at home mom, i dont have my own money.

Newborn. Well my newborn cried nonstop for the first 2/3 weeks. My father will go “sigh” “here we go again” and even one time he cursed at my baby he said “make THAT THING stop crying, because it is so annoying” i never said anything. So when i was left watching over my baby, who was crying, he went and called my mom i can hear him say “THAT will die soon” so when they opened the door i just yelled “dont even get involved because you know nothing of taking care of a baby” i know cos my mom told me, i was cared for mostly by grandma, uncles and aunts during the day. And night it was my other grandma and my mom. My dad even gave me expired milk so HELLO, he doesnt know how to take care of baby. Then we never talked. It was his way. I learned from him so i dont talk to him too. One time after my baby’s vaccinations, so she was all fussy and crying again, my dad cursed at me from the window - i ignored. He went in side the house and to the room where me and my baby was to curse at me again “aon of a bitch! Why dont you give milk?! You devil!” So i said in a flat tone cos i am pissed with what he said but trying to be patient “she doesnt want mlik” then He pointed at my face and said that i was being rude. So as he walked away, I stared at him thinking “what” then he started talking again “how dare you stare at me” “stop staring you bastard” never said anything but i kept staring cos i am confused he kept on cursing at me then came back to hit me in the shoulder when i was carrying my crying baby so i snapped. Really, i cant contain myself anymore. Hit me while carrying my baby? No no! So i just yelled back “yeah keep hitting me” “do it” he put his fist on my cheek and he put his 2 fingers on my eyes and i yelled “you think so high of yourself” then he cursed me and my boyfriend. My mom came and stopped the yelling but me and my dad never talked since then.

I can hear him sometimes talking about me and my boyfriend

“No more dreams and aspirations”

-i chose to be a stay at home mom, and that is bad in his eyes. I should be working.

“They should die. I dont care. They’re the devil”

So what i want to rant about is that everyday my father would have renovations at home. Hammer. Saw. Furnitures moving around. -my baby cant sleep at all. So when she wakes up and cries he’s gonna go look and say lots of things like the way i take care of my baby is wrong.

We’re gonna leave in about a month. My mom asked for one last thing and that is my boyfriend to come pick us up, i want to give her that. But i feel bad for my baby really. No sleep.

I have a longstanding friendship with Jill, stretching back over two decades, and we're part of a larger circle of friends, about 15-20 strong. We've developed a tradition where different members of our group take turns hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for those of us remaining in town each year. Ever since Jill adopted a vegan lifestyle a decade ago, our group has made it a point to include vegan options, like tofurkey, alongside one side dish and one dessert specifically for her at these gatherings.

This year, however, brought a new twist. Jill excitedly volunteered to host Thanksgiving at her house for the first time. Initially, we were all supportive, but then she announced in our group chat that the entire meal would be strictly vegan. Some of us, respectful of her choices but still wanting traditional elements like turkey, suggested bringing non-vegan dishes. Jill was adamant, countering with claims that vegan food “tastes exactly the same” as non-vegan food. I beg to differ, based on past experiences at her house where I’ve tried various dishes, from bean burgers to a type of vegan chocolate cake, which she claimed were indistinguishable from their traditional counterparts.

After some thought and a discussion with my husband, we decided to respectfully decline her invitation. I was honest with her about our preference for a traditional Thanksgiving meal, expressing no desire for deceit such as feigning out-of-town travel plans. Since our conversation, Jill’s demeanor has shifted noticeably; she's become increasingly irritated. She even lamented to other friends that I was boycotting her dinner purely because she was hosting.

This sentiment isn't entirely inaccurate but didn't sit right with me, so I clarified to the others that despite our efforts over the years to accommodate her dietary choices, it felt unjust for her to demand that everyone conform to her vegan diet at this event. This sparked a shift in group dynamics, as several friends then aligned with my perspective and opted to organize an alternative Thanksgiving gathering, which my husband and I also decided to skip.

Admittedly, my husband believes it might have been wiser to fabricate a small white lie or avoid sharing the full extent of my reasoning with the other women. For now, I’ve chosen to distance myself from the ensuing drama, though Jill seems to hold me responsible for the unraveling of her plans.

If one were to frame this as an episode in a reality TV show, the drama and tension might have made for sensational viewing, playing up the clash between lifestyle choices and personal friendships. With cameras rolling, audiences would be drawn into the back-and-forth, perhaps even taking sides based on personal dietary beliefs or their views on respecting others' choices. The dynamic would add an interesting layer of public opinion to the mix, influencing whose actions are perceived as justifiable or inconsiderate.

I can't help but wonder, am I wrong for turning down a vegan Thanksgiving?

The whole situation feels straight out of a bizarre drama. To set the frame right: I am openly gay, having come out when I was 16. My parents were accepting, yet they insisted I keep this a secret from my older brother, who I’ll call Dean. They mentioned that Dean held some rather harsh views about homosexuals, which put me on guard. We drifted further apart when I moved for university at 18, and honestly, we hardly ever talked.

Fast forward to the present, life’s been pretty good. I landed a respectable job in our hometown and I’m sharing a lovely life with my boyfriend, Max. Our harmony was disrupted abruptly a few days ago by an unexpected call from Dean. Given our distant relationship, I feared it might be an emergency.

Dean started the call gruffly and went straight to the point – he was getting married to his fiancée, Yen, next year. This was news to me, not even knowing he was seeing someone. I kept the conversation light, congratulated him, and discussed trivial wedding details. When he mentioned that the wedding invites would be sent soon and that I could bring a plus-one, I casually mentioned I would bring Max along. This triggered Dean; he lost his temper and bombarded me with offensive slurs, making it crystal clear he didn’t want my boyfriend at his wedding. Shocked and hurt, I ended the call without uttering another word.

I informed Max about the incident, and he was incredibly supportive, distracting me with a cozy evening that helped me unwind. The next day, I texted my parents about the incident, then headed to work. I was oblivious to the chaos that was brewing back home.

By the end of my shift, my phone was inundated with messages and missed calls from puzzled relatives and my parents, demanding an explanation. I recounted the ordeal to my parents later, who shockingly suggested that I should apologize to Dean for “forcing my lifestyle at his wedding.” The absurdity! I defended my stance but ended up receiving a barrage of messages from relatives, pressuring me to make amends with Dean and my parents. Despite all this, Max reassures me that I’ve done nothing wrong, yet I can’t shake off the feeling of unease.

Now, imagine if this scene unfolded on a reality TV show. Cameras rolling as family dynamics and personal beliefs clash dramatically. The element of a divided family grappling with acceptance and the revelation of private issues in such a public format would certainly draw reactions ranging from shock to support. Viewers might be torn between choosing sides or might become emotionally invested in advocating for acceptance and equality. Reality TV thrives on such conflicts, and my story could have easily been a pivotal, teachable moment.

Am I wrong for being upset over the family reaction?

I recently celebrated my high school graduation, which should have been an incredible milestone. My mother, keen on commemorating the occasion, organized a party in June. However, my mom's side of the family, particularly her relationship with her sister, is quite strained. This tension has repeatedly placed me in the awkward position of being my mom's main source of emotional support during family gatherings.

At my party, instead of enjoying the event with friends and relishing the moment, I found myself embroiled in family drama. My mom constantly pulled me aside to comment on my aunt's demeanor, alleging she seemed "jealous" or "disinterested." This not only dampened the festive spirit for me but also kept me from fully engaging with friends and other guests. The joy of my graduation was overshadowed by an air of unease that my mom projected as she fretted over possible confrontations or remarks from her sister.

Looking ahead, another family function is on the horizon, and my mom has already set the expectation for me to be her emotional pillar once more. She reminded me, "You know how these things go, I need you there." This time, however, I decided to stand my ground. I expressed my unwillingness to partake in the ongoing drama between her and her sister, emphasizing my desire to enjoy such events without being caught in their longstanding feud. This did not sit well with her, and she accused me of being selfish and ungrateful, especially after the graduation party she hosted—which, ironically, she spoiled with her behavior.

Now, we're not really speaking, and to complicate matters, my aunt texted to advise me to be more lenient with my mom due to her emotional struggles. While I understand the complexities of their relationship and my mom's feelings, I am frustrated and exhausted from being placed consistently in the middle of their issues.

If my life were part of a reality show, viewers might be divided. Some might sympathize with my plight of being thrust into adult conflicts, while others might argue that familial loyalty should prevail, compelling me to support my mom despite the personal toll it could take. It's curious to consider where public opinion would lean and whether the heightened visibility would amplify the family drama or encourage quicker resolutions.

Am I wrong for refusing to serve as my mom's support in these family dynamics, despite her feeling abandoned by me, or is it reasonable to protect my own emotional well-being during such gatherings?

My husband and I have been married for three years. From our dating days, his mother, Julia, would often sneer at me and our relationship with her son, Daniel. The day we first met, she inquired about my hometown and upon my response, dismissively remarked, "We don't take kindly to people from there." As time progressed, Julia critiqued Daniel for the flowers he bought for me, ridiculed our date nights, and even attempted to sideline me during family gatherings by insisting they were for 'family only.' When Daniel and I went on vacations, she bombarded him with calls and messages, questioning why he hadn't checked on her or fabricating crises. Daniel often downplayed her actions by saying he had become accustomed to her manipulative behavior.

Over our three years of dating, Julia started to soften her approach towards me. It was an unexpected shift, and though skeptical, I was relieved to see less confrontation. When we got engaged, the proposal filled us with joy. However, telling Julia resulted in a scornful glare directed at me, followed by an accusation towards Daniel for not informing her first. Post-engagement, we reduced our interactions with her considerably.

As we began planning our wedding, Julia's attitude took a harsh turn as she sent extensive messages full of scorn and allegations to both Daniel and myself. She accused me of being disliked and Daniel of selfishness for proceeding with a wedding she disapproved of. Pushed to his limit, Daniel confronted her, stating that continuing this behavior would lead to us cutting off all contact. In response, she resorted to spreading falsehoods among her family and even doctored text messages, painting Daniel and me in a negative light. This resulted in his family siding with her and choosing to skip our wedding. The truth about her deception surfaced after our wedding when Daniel’s sister began to question inconsistencies in Julia’s stories. Eventually, the extended family learned about the manipulation and approached Daniel seeking reconciliation, which was challenging due to the depth of their betrayal. Since then, we have completely ceased contact with Julia.

Recently, I encountered her at a store. She approached me, attempting to engage in casual conversation. I sternly told her, "Just so we're clear, you and Daniel have been nonexistent to me for three years. That's not going to change, so stop talking to me." She was visibly upset and left immediately. Following this, Daniel's family has been urging us to forgive her, labeling me harsh and condemning my inability to forgive a mistake that happened three years ago.

Imagine if this drama unfolded on a reality show! The tension would certainly capture the audience's attention, sparking debates among viewers about whether my confrontation with Julia was justified or overly harsh. The intense family dynamics and the pivotal store confrontation would potentially be pivotal episodes that highlight the struggle between personal boundaries and family pressure to reconcile.

Am my being too unforgiving toward Julia?

So, here I am, sitting in my messy room, trying to figure out if I’m just some person who’s a little slow on the uptake when it comes to feelings or if I’m actually asexual. To be honest, I really don’t know. I mean, I’m 17, and all my friends are out there exploring their “sexual awakenings” or whatever they call it, but for me, it’s like a big ol’ void. Like, I don’t even know what I’m missing. I get that everyone’s on this wild ride of hormones and romantic entanglements, and there’s me, standing on the sidelines like I’m stuck at a video game level that won’t load. My friends casually toss around terms like “crush” and “hookup” while I'm over here thinking, “why bother?” It’s like I’m reading a manual in a different language that nobody thought to translate for me.

The other day, my buddy was all hyped up about this girl he liked, and he was telling me what he thought would happen. He kept dropping lines about “chemistry” and “sparks,” and I just couldn’t relate. Every time I hear someone say, “you’ll know when it happens,” I roll my eyes so hard I’m surprised I don’t see my brain. I mean, what does that even mean? Do I need to sacrifice a goat or something to get this so-called “spark”? I’ve tried to be interested; I’ve flicked through dating apps, swiped here and there, and honestly, it feels like a chore. Like, I’m trying to watch a movie that everyone claims is a masterpiece, but I’m just sitting there wondering when the good part starts. My mind wanders to the definition of asexuality, and I catch myself thinking that maybe I fit that description. But then I wonder—am I just overthinking, or is it real? Am I just taking a little longer to get to the party?

I’ve read enough articles, seen plenty of videos to know that asexuality isn’t just “being picky” or something you grow out of when you hit puberty; it's a legitimate orientation. But it gnaws at me. Am I really asexual or just a late bloomer who’s scared of rejection? I mean, every time the topic of sex comes up, my brain goes into this autopilot mode where I’m nodding along, but inside I’m just screaming, “This isn't for me!” It feels like I’m meant to be a part of this club, but they won’t let me through the door, and I’m honestly starting to think I might not even want to go in. Maybe that’s the crux of it—this nagging feeling that says, “why do I have to be labeled at all?” So, dear reader, I turn this back to you: Am I asexual, just confused, or frankly, who cares? Do you ever feel this disconnect, or is it just me spiraling down this rabbit hole?

I’m 20. Male. No diagnosis. No meds. Not doing anything dangerous either, just kind of… existing, I guess?? I sleep way too much, but I’m still tired. I eat when I remember. I shower when I absolutely have to. Most days I wake up around noon, stare at the ceiling, then scroll until my phone gets too hot. I used to make plans. Now I cancel everything with the same excuse: "Sorry, not feeling it today." I'm polite about it. Always polite. But it’s a lie, right?? I don’t even know if I’m feeling anything.

I used to think I was just lazy. Like, I’ve always struggled with getting started on things—school projects, job applications, even just laundry. But lately, it’s more than that. I’ll sit down to do something, and my brain just… doesn’t. Like someone unplugged the part that makes me care. My dad says, “You need discipline.” My mom says, “Go outside more.” My friends say, “Just push through it, bro.” Okay, cool. But what if there’s nothing to push with?? What if the battery’s dead and the charger’s missing??

My room’s a mess. Not gross, just... piles of clothes and unopened mail and stuff I keep saying I’ll deal with “tomorrow.” I tell myself it’s fine. I mean, who am I bothering, right?? But every now and then I look around and it hits me—I’m stuck. Not rock bottom, not in crisis, just quietly stuck. Like that quote I saw once: “You’re not drowning. You’re just slowly sinking while smiling at everyone on the shore.” That’s kind of it. I still reply to texts. I still laugh at memes. I still say “I’m good, thanks” when someone asks how I’m doing. But am I?? I don’t know anymore!!!

It’s not all hopeless or dramatic. Some days I get a burst of energy out of nowhere and clean everything and even go for a walk or cook something decent. But it never lasts. It’s like a glitch in the system, not a fix. Then I’m back to lying in bed, scrolling through my camera roll from months ago, wondering why I looked happier in those pictures. Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I just had better lighting. I’ve thought about therapy but I don’t feel “bad enough” to go. Isn’t that dumb?? Like I’m waiting for things to get worse before I ask for help??

So I guess I’m just wondering… am I lazy or depressed?? Is this what burnout looks like when you don’t even have a job yet?? I’m not trying to be dramatic. I know people have it way worse. I just… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Or if anything’s wrong at all. Maybe I’m just weak. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I need to try harder. Or maybe I need to admit that something isn’t right. I honestly don’t know. If you’ve felt like this before, did it get better?? What helped?? I'm open to answers. Just trying to figure this out without breaking anything.

i love my boyfriend and that is kind of the problem, because it makes everything else more confusing than it should be. he is good to me in most normal ways. he answers my texts, he remembers small stuff, he helps me when i am stressed, and he is not some awful guy i am trying to escape from. so when i say i am not sexually satisfied, it sounds mean, like i am reducing him to one thing, but i am not trying to do that. it is just there, sitting in the room with us, even when we are eating dinner or watching tv. i do not feel wanted in the way i thought i would feel in a relationship. he says he loves me, and i believe him, but his body and his effort do not really show it much. sometimes it feels like he wants the comfort of having me around more than he wants me as a person with needs. maybe that is dramatic, maybe it is not. i have tried bringing it up without making it sound like an attack, but every time it gets weird. he gets quiet or says he is tired or says relationships are not supposed to be all about that. and sure, they are not. i agree with that. but are they supposed to have almost no passion either. am i wrong for thinking this matters. i keep asking myself that because i know people have real problems and this can sound shallow. but when you are the one laying there feeling unwanted, it does not feel shallow, it feels lonely in a very specific way.

the bad part is i do not want to leave him over this, but i also do not want to spend years pretending i am fine. i catch myself avoiding the topic now because i already know how the talk will go. he will act like i am putting pressure on him, i will feel guilty, and then nothing changes. that is the pattern. i do not even know if the issue is attraction, stress, laziness, mismatch, or just us being wrong in that one area. it is not like i need some perfect movie thing. i just want to feel like there is some desire and some care and not like i am asking for a favor. i have started feeling embarrassed for wanting more, which is probably not a good sign. i also feel bad because he is not cruel, and i know if i told people they would say to communicate, but i did, or i tried. communication is not magic when the other person hears it but does not really do anything. i guess i am writing this because i need to see it outside my head. i love him, but love is not filling the part that feels empty. maybe that makes me selfish, or maybe it just makes me honest. i do not know what the reasonable answer is here. do you stay with someone who is kind and safe but makes you feel unwanted in bed, or is that just slowly turning yourself into a bitter person. i am scared that if i stay, i will resent him. i am scared that if i go, i will regret leaving someone good for something people tell me is not everything. both things sound true, and that is what is making me feel stuck.