Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

So I cant find this meaning of self love people keep talking about. It's so foreign to me. I grew up with my parents divorced and I lived with my father. My father use to beat me when I was younger because of the mistakes I used to make such as not writing correctly I'm kindergarten. Not reading correctly in the first grade. Not doing math properly Not tieing my shoes properly. Anything I didn't do correctly the first time was corrected violently. Our only activity we did was he had many drink with him starting at the age of 10 getting drunk with him on beer. He kept thinking me and him were supposed "half demons" thinking he can just change the colors of his eyes with a thought. And one day when I was 20 he pressed the teeth of a machete against my throat daring me to move. I had to forcibly grab the blade while he had it pressed against my throat forcing it away from my throat. He tried twisting the handle to cut my hand in doing so. I say all this because I don't really see the point of living I don't want to keep going you know. Anytime a flood warning or a tornado warning happens I get relieved thinking maybe it's my time to go now it can finally all end. I'm in my 20s but I feel like I'm in my 120s waiting for someone or life itself to pull the plug. It's hard to really get up everyday and honestly I'm numb to most things. I think my mental decline trying to keep everything together over the years has reduced me to this state. Alot of friends I used to hang out with are gone now living their own lives. I tried seeking a relationship like others my age but it didn't work out to well. I had surgery on my shoulder which cost me all my finances struggling to keep up with rent and bills etc and I don't know back to my original point I'm just tired just not wanting to keep going. Whatever light there was at the end of the tunnel or those happy moments to cling onto has faded over the years.

MY STUPID "FRIEND" IS DEATH STARING ME. HE'S BEEN DEATH STARING ME ALL DAY. IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT HE WON'T TALK TO ME HE ALSO HAS TO LOOK AT ME LIKE I KILLED HIS DOG OR SOMETHING. WHAT DID I DO. WHY IS HE DEATH STARING ME.

Uhh, lil update about what I texted before, basically my ex girlfriend (let's call her uhh "M") M wasn't the best, she didn't support my choices and thought that she was the only one important in the relationship. She's 11, 2 years younger than me, and she had only 1 week long relationships until I arrived (ours was 1 month and 2 days). Now I understood why. She's a manipulative person and she threatened me to kill herself If I didn't become her boyfriend again. I left her because I was struggling to stay in a long distance relationship and fuck, my mental health had fucked itself, plus i was starting to understand how bad she really was... Now she told me that she s3lf h4rmed and she sent me the pics of it.. and she told me "next time I won't be telling you "tell K I love her" (k is a friend of M and mine) but it will be " hey I'm m's mom.. she c0mmited su1cide... May i know why?"" And well I feel like I did something wrong...

She also told me things that made me look the selfish one that broke the "promise". Yeah, I did promise her that I wasnt gonna leave her, but fuck. We are 11 and 13. What the hell did you expect from it? And now I think I'm the one who deserve to D1e and that should have K1lled h1m s3lf. I already tried it and damn, i should have finished what I was gonna do.. now I keep thinking im the monster who hurted her and almost make her d1e... And same for K becouse she's like a sister to M and she's struggling a lot too, and if M d1es, K d1es too, and what should i do if they do so?.. I hope they won't..

I can't believe I've come to feel like such a fool. Love isn't supposed to revolve around financial perspectives or differing life philosophies. It should be anchored purely in the depths of affection and the love you harbor for one another. Yet, here I am, having ended things with the person I thought I'd spend my life with because our outlooks clash drastically. Emily, the woman I adored, is committed to pursuing a career in Naturopathic medicine, aiming to help cancer patients. She holds beliefs that vaccinations could lead to autism among other controversial views that mainstream science often disputes, like the effectiveness of homeopathy.

While I acknowledge that overprescription is a problem in modern healthcare, I cannot forsaid modern medicine entirely, which has proven its efficacy time and again. Naturopathic doctors may serve as complementary alternatives, and while it's acceptable for some to suggest turmeric for a minor bruise, it's entirely different when it comes to serious diseases.

Feeling utterly conflicutcoming from all this doubts whether love alone should suffice when fundamental beliefs diverge so significantly. Especially during our last heated discussion, it pained me to focus on the financial strains her schooling would impose on us—around $200,000 in debt. It feels low to have allowed monetary concerns to overshadow what was a decade of love and companionship. Deep down, my friends and family advise me that these things shouldn't matter, but for me, they do, and it's tearing me apart.

As I mourn the loss of our ten-year relationship, I wonder how different this scenario would play out if it were on a reality show. Perhaps the audience would be split, with some empathizing with my practical concerns and others rooting for love to conquer all obstacles, no matter the cost or difference in beliefs. The pressure and scrutiny from public opinion could potentially sway my decisions or amplify my doubts.

So I'm continuing a rant I made on here I accidentally posted unfinished (here it is, btw)

So basically, I'm in online class due to having this heart problem that's called VSD (ventricular septal defect), and it makes me lose my breath easily, and I get palpitations every time I run. So there's no hope of actually going to face-to-face schools due to walking long hallways and going up stairs. And there's barely anyone in my online class that I can be friends with. It makes me feel a little lonely, and I'm an introvert. But just because of the sole reason of wanting to be alone, I don't want to be lonely, y'know? And because my class starts from 8am to 4pm, I have to stay home for 8 hours, which makes me feel a little isolated inside my house. And when I go out, I can barely even have fun anymore since I always lose my breath so easily. I can't even swim in cold pools and beaches since I get cold so easily. At family gatherings, I can barely even hang out with my cousins since they go out every night. I can't, though. It's basically because I get cold so easily and I can quickly get sick and have a runny nose. I barely even have any friends to talk to; last time I went to school when my disability wasn't a challenge, I had tons of friends. But now, I've only had one friend from my old school that still keeps in touch with me. And she has regular class, so I can't really chat with her every day. Plus, I barely know anyone that shares the same interests as me. Sometimes during online classes, I use my phone during lessons. And technically, every now and then I use my phone to cope with the fact I barely have any friends to talk to and have fun with because I find it fun to use my phone since it's not reality; it's the opposite. It's getting out of reality.

Now getting to my main point, I feel so lonely. Like even an online class is isolation at this point. It's the reason I'm an introvert. At this point, I was made to be an introvert. I'm always alone; I barely talk to anyone anymore; I barely talk to my only friend because I have no enthusiasm to hold a conversation these days... I feel like something's wrong with me. I feel so bad for ignoring her. But I can't find any joy in continuing to talk to her. I don't know what to do. She's so kind too. She's my best friend. She doesn't even know my disability. I keep it a secret since I feel like she'll judge. But I know she won't. I just don't know why I continue to not tell her. I feel so bad. And I feel like my online class is the reason. I feel so isolated, I can barely have fun anymore. I can't even hang out with people my age in my neighborhood due to my disability. So I just stick to cellular devices. I hate online classes. I skip. And now I regret it. I've already been scolded for doing so. But I still keep doing it. It's causing my academics and grades to crumble. I do bad at school now, even before I skipped online classes. I always used to be a 90+ in my old school. Now I'm an 80-91 student. I hate everything about online classes. The school, my teachers, the isolation I feel, the loneliness, my grades—I feel so insecure. And the only reason I accepted going to this school and taking online classes was because I had no choice. My other school's tuition was something my parent's could barely afford. And the online class thing, it's because of my disease. I turn to God and worship him so I wouldn't get in trouble. I would pray I didn't. Plus, just now, I had a grade of 76, and my mom is asking the teacher's if I'm doing something wrong. I am; I'm still skipping. And I feel like I'll get in trouble today. Plus, I have exams next week. Am I just overdramatic because I'm young? I'm not even a teenager yet, nor older than 12. Am I just overreacting? I actually need help on this topic. I'm too scared to even vent to my mom since I keep every emotion bottled up. I want to cry every day. I feel so bad. I feel so guilty for skipping school now.

My mental health has always been a shit show and it has caused me to be a bad person to the people around me sometimes. I've also always had a kind of bad/dysfunctional relationship with my parents.

3 years ago, I lost my support system presumably because of something I did. I say presumably because I still don't know what exactly caused it but it might have been a small decision I made that tipped off an amalgamation of grievances between everyone. My support system decided to drop me overnight and I never got closure. I reached out to them to see if this was something that could be talked about because I was confused about it but was met with bullying and ostracization. They said some pretty mean things about me that I fear are now coming true. They told me I would never be able to make real friends and that I would always have a hard time succeeding in life.

This happened closely before I moved to a completely new country where i knew no one and because I was processing my loss, i had a hard time forming connections with anyone else. I'm three years in at a new school and I have no close friends, i have friends that have made it clear to me that i am not part of the "inner circle" and I am borderline being stretched so thin just trying to pass classes. My advisor tells me i might have undiagnosed ADHD but I don't know if I can take another blow to my ego of having a mental illness that can't be rationalized and is just something i have. My relationship with my parents are still no better, if anything only worse due them growing more stubborn with age, and me growing into an adult.

Sometimes, I feel like i was the same person my support system said I would turn out to be and that there is nothing I can do to escape that fate. I've tried hard, out of spite but there's only so much spite can fuel before it starts burning me too.

i'm aware that there's a high possibility that most of this is my fault for not like expressing myself or whatever, so i am wondering if i'm 'crazy' - if i'm being reasonable. my friends aren't the most supportive people to me, but that can be explained by me not being a very open person myself. a lot of them have relatively big problems in their own lives and they come to others in the group to vent or cope, but i don't have those types of big problems, at least not anymore. but when i did (when a family member had cancer) i went through it basically alone as i, successfully somehow, trudged through other areas of my life like academics. it was never something that i would let get myself down. but the thing is my friends didnt really try to reach out? i know they knew i told them or my parents told their parents who told them. maybe they knew i wouldnt be so receptive, because i really would not have, but its the fact that it feels like they didnt even try. theres this sense of building resentment as it becomes easier and easier for me to notice their flaws, especially when they interact with each other, weirdly enough. i never point it out because the recipients never seem to have a problem with it but sometimes it drives me mad. one of my friends, she doesn't even notice it, but she turns almost every conversation to herself to talk about her problems. once, another friend was talking about her problems, very serious ones, and somehow she managed to turn the conversation completely around to her problems. but this other friend didn't seem to have a problem with it. but it really fucking pissed me off, even though i didn't say anything. it feels like i am seeing something that isn't there and i have to stay quiet because it looks like no one else notices or cares. am i crazy? do i have self centered friends? am i the self centered one? idfk but i feel isolated from this group and im wondering how much of it is my fault. oh also, they all forgot my birthday last year and i give them some benefit of the doubt because i didnt mention any plans or that it was coming but i have known them for several years, whereas several from my high school who ive known for like two at that point wished me happy birthday. honestly im waiting to see if they remember this year since its coming up. i think i might be ridiculous.

I feel since becoming a mom, I am more socially awkward in mixed company. I’ve always been social but have really changed in the last year. Mostly because I don’t have much to discuss other than typical baby stories, which I know not everyone is interested in; and that’s ok. I get overwhelmed by the news and social media so I’m not too caught up on the latest. A sweet old lady from church has come alongside me and has really been helping me spiritually. She hosts small gatherings at her house every month with the best layout and I always enjoy myself (I go baby-free). She really has a heart for hosting and everything is so lovely. Lately, I have found myself not really talking to anyone at these lil parties. Not to make it a “high school cafeteria” scene. I think it’s more me. It’s a laid-back environment with other ladies and I can never seem to hold a conversation. I feel myself get awkward and my brain goes blank. I need help. What are good questions to keep the conversation going without having to turn to “how are the kids?” What can I ask when I feel a lull in the conversation? I have had small talk with many of these women before so I would really like to have a “deeper” conversation than just “I’m fine and you? Oh ok bye.

So basically, I was good friends with my ex, Eli, and I convinced him to join the XC team for fun since I was also on the team too last year. We both made it along with a couple of my friends. As I got closer with my ex, we started dating and after a couple of days, I honestly kind of just lost feelings for him, but dealt with it because I didnt want to seem like a bitch. And so like I spent quite a bit of time with my XC friends as I felt more comfortable with them, 2 of them J and M are one of my good friends, along with Ems and A, who are in my grade. (J and M are a year older than me. ) And so like I mainly hung out with J since she was an older sis to me yk? So like I hung out with her and sat down on the bus with her when we were going to one of our races, we were also doing karaoke with our XC team on the bus with our coach too. So we were blasting on some music and singing our hearts out. Me, Ems, and M were probably singing the most, basically screaming out the song lyrics (also to add M is a dude), so like as I was singing along with M, I took a glance at my then bf and he smiled but I could honestly tell he was like upset or like jealous. I didnt really think about it much, but I did tell Ems, which I told her in my native tongue, which she responed with a nod and gave me a look to tell her later when we got off the bus. So like when it was about to be my race, I felt really uncomfortable when I had to take off my undershirt because I knew that if I wore the undershirt, I would have over-heated with my jersey over it too, but I felt uncomfortable because my jersey was one of those sleeveless ones and it was a bit big on me as well, which it did show a bit of my bra, which I felt very uncomfortable. Oh and I was then talking to E about it in my native tongue while she whispered back in English. (She's not very fluent in our native tongue.) And when we went back, we were still having karaoke and then my bf was trying to gain my attention by showing me one of those AI generated videos of animals, which I thought was really weird. Now that I've broken up with him, I realized that he was being quite racist to me about my Asian heritage and that was a huge red flag! Also he then proceeds to date my friend, who at the time didnt know he was my ex, so I dont blame her. And then another one of my friends, this time is a friend I dont really like (im pretty sure she has an anime and asian men fetish), liked him and told me so yeah. So lowkey, mortal of the story is to not date people who are racist to you, and dont date your boy bsf.. (The letters and name are not their actual names as I do respect their privacy.)

I’m 14 and I didn’t really have a good past because of my mother, and the past couple months now I have noticed a lot of changes about myself mentally. If I’m out of the house for too long like at stores or restaurants, I’ll just panic and I don’t understand why, It becomes hard to talk and usually I’ll just say “home”. Last year me and my family went to a huge festival, I panicked and we had to sit down for a while, I would stop panicking but it would start up again randomly and I just couldn’t control it. My grandma and grandpa took me to the car and I calmed down while my dad and my sister were still out for about 15 minutes before we left. They kept bringing it up and said it was an “inconvenience”. Often times if I feel a texture I don’t like, it feels weird like I have to shake it off my hands or I just sit there with my hands out and go like “ah” or “eugh”, my grandma as recognized it and will give me a napkin for my hands or just move us away from where the material was. Sometimes I get in this headspace where I feel like mentally around the ages of 6-10. I never really got to have a childhood, my dad said it was good before him and my mom got divorced but I don’t remember it and I only remember the bad stuff. I want to know what’s wrong with me but when I asked my therapist she said it was just a phase but I cried to her about it months ago (she is no longer my therapist for other reasons). I feel like I’m this way because I was forced to grow up too fast, I mean I was taking care of a baby (my little sister) when I was 5. My mom was selling my toys and Christmas presents for drugs.

When I get really interested in something like a video game, I talk very passionately about it and sometimes I get a little loud when I talk but I don’t notice it. My dad always gets mad at me and I try to stay quieter. I almost always tell my grandma about all my interests and crafts because she is the only one who actually listens. Today I went to talk to her about the craft I wanted to do for my Halloween costume this year. I was in debate between doing a barn owl or a deer kinda cosplay. I was in the middle of saying how I thought the deer one would be harder and how I really wanted to do the owl, but she didn’t let me talk and just kept saying “the owl sounds too hard, you should do the deer”. I kept asking her to let me explain and she was like “well the owl just seems too hard for you”. At that point I just went back upstairs to my room and cried. My dad doesn’t let me tell him about my interests because I talk too much and he wants the short story,now he doesn’t want to hear it at all. My little sister is spoiled rotten by my dad and just doesn’t let me talk, then she gets mad at me when I get mad at her because she keeps interrupting me.

I just want to know what’s wrong with me

I feel ive searching for so long but I can’t find stuff that related to what I’m doing. So I want to create a series, specifically one that each episode will be about 5-7mins long. So how that change stuff? What should I learn? Btw I mean a serialised one, I already have some plots and characters moments in my head. But I can’t find anythingggg. Someone please help.

Also some specific questions-

Is it a bad when stuff happen to a characters than characters making stuff happen? Like does it demnish the plot?

How does a comic series (issues) differ from a tv series (episodes)?

“i feel like crying, i don’t feel like myself / this isn’t like me at all” — TWICE, TT

2026 was supposed to be my person year. a year where i’m putting myself first, to do things i love without judgement, u know how it goes. but it’s been january and i feel like i wanna unalive.

the anti-ai bullying is getting worse each day. i mentioned previously that it’s hard to be a synthographer bc ur most likely to get an “ai slop trash” comment than a praise. they’ll trash u, fuck u up, until u snap. i guess that’s what’s happening to me lately. it’s getting problematic for me and everyone i know.

i thought that art is meant for everyone, but why does everyone think that we’re stealing images with actual creativity that gets run thru the machine? why does everyone think i’m a fraud; that i’m not fit to be part of multimedia arts course? why does everyone accuse someone of using chatgpt just by using an em dash? this greater internet fuckwad theory is getting too much man. putangina.

and hey, don’t get me started on anti’s antics. the witch hunts, the accusations, the constant bashing, even memes. don’t forget nightshade and throw in that NO-AI.gif too. “we got demons in the comments section,” says oliver tree in one song, and i think there is on every comments section.

i know that society expects u to get ur shit together, but rn i feel like i’m falling apart. i’m confused, overwhelmed, overstimmed. for fuck’s sake, i’m already losing interest in synthography bc of school. there, does that make u happy? are u happy that i can’t generate anymore bc i don’t have wifi? are u happy that u won from constant bullying? are u happy that u flip off an ai billboard or write anti-ai graffiti on a subway ad? be fucking honest, ARE U HAPPY?

i’m so tired of this bullshit. there are times where i wanted to look for some inspiration, but i end up doomscrolling instead. fuck all of this man. i can’t take it anymore. once again, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

I’m 23f and I’ve never had any sexual or romantic experience (no holding hands or talking stage). It just never happened for me. Most of my life I didn’t really care or pay attention to it, but it’s like I “woke up” about two or three years ago and looked around and realised I’m so behind everyone else my age. Since then I’ve been trying and failing to do something about it and it’s been affecting my mental health really badly. I can be pretty socially anxious but I’ve been trying to work on that. I’ve been trying to go out more and meet new people, but every time I’ve approached a guy I’ve been rejected. I know that happens and maybe I’ve just had bad luck, but it really messed with my self-esteem as well. I’m not particularly attractive but I try to work with what I have. All that affected my mental health really badly and turned my inexperience into a massive insecurity, making me embarrassed and feel that it’s “too late” now. I see it as a proof that no one found me desirable before. It’s gotten so bad I’m even avoiding my friends now because I feel like I’m so much worse than them. Now I’m worried that even if I do find someone I could get along with, he’s going to be weirded out and turn me down because of it.

Alright, so I'm 39 and trying not to freak out, but it's hard not to feel like something ominous is scribbled across my life's blueprint. could it be the algorithm of stress, or maybe just the faulty wiring in my overthinking brain? the days scrape by and I've got this stupid itch, like a ticker tape in my head whispering "tick-tock, hun, something's coming." you ever stand in the shower and just watch the water swirl down the drain while wondering if you're circling right down with it??? bizarre, right? but seriously, what the hell is this gut-churning sense of doom that just lounges in my living room like it pays rent?

i blame it on the 'midlife crisis' stigma, which surely must be some twisted rite of passage. but i don't own a convertible or an absurdly-priced leather jacket, just a morbid fascination with my own mortality. is there an existential influencer somewhere saying, "and now you'll dread your birthday cake candles"? at this age, you'd think I'd have unlocked some dispassionate wisdom from life's inventory, but nah, feels like i'm playing a video game with a walkthrough written in pencil!!! like howdy, could someone patch this glitch, please? no cheat codes here, just wish I could delete this morose save file, you know?

but here's the thing, if i dust off my therapist's favorite cliches, it's like hitting pause and rebooting with optimism... "change is good!" or that irritating serene vibe of "you've got this." tedious but they might be onto something!!! i mean, statistically, with all the variables, I could live to garden with my grandkids, dodging any hardware bug life throws my way. don't you think it's hilarious how we can be both the protagonist and the heckler in our life’s script? maybe we're all just late-night telethon hosts, presenting dramatic predictions about the apocalypse of our souls. pfft, if i can troubleshoot systems as complicated as my own, enjoying that last cookie guilt-free seems doable enough. maybe, just maybe, this isn't some final destination trailer after all, but just a low-budget pilot for figuring out what it means to really live!

Raised on my family's sprawling farm, my ancestors had tilled the soil for generations. Unlike them, I developed an early aversion to farm life, finding little joy in the endless dirt and the company of farm animals.

At the age of 18, I bid farewell to the rural lifestyle and relocated to a bustling city, embracing an urban existence I cherished, though I still visited the farm occasionally out of love for my family.

Sadly, three years ago, my mother passed away, and recently, my father died in a tragic accident at work. This left my younger brother, Daniel, and me as the only heirs to the family estate.

Having been financially supported by my parents throughout my life, I anticipated inheriting little and was content with just a few sentimental family items. However, during a meeting with the lawyer to discuss the will, Daniel and I were taken aback to learn that I had inherited three-quarters of the farm, with the remainder going to him.

The rationale behind such an unequal distribution baffled me, particularly since Daniel had devoted his life to the farm, unlike me. I suspected it might be because I have two children, but they were already provided for in the will.

Seeing Daniel's discomfort with the arrangement, I quickly assured him I would willingly transfer the majority of the land to him. Despite his initial protests, we agreed to resolve the matter privately at a later date.

I shared my decision with my wife, Lila, who was vehemently opposed. She argued that my choice was reckless, highlighting the farm's significant value. I contended that the land held value only for those with intentions to utilize it, which neither I nor our children had. Lila suggested keeping half the land just in case our children wished to farm in the future, an idea that I reluctantly agreed to.

Currently, Lila is not speaking to me, awaiting my final decision on the matter. This situation left me questioning: am I being unreasonable?

Picture this scenario playing out on a reality show. How would the audience react to such family drama and decision-making? Likely, viewers would be split, with some empathizing with my desire to do right by my brother, and others siding with Lila, arguing the practicality of retaining valuable assets. Reality television thrives on such conflicts, and this situation could provide ample fodder for dramatic scenes and viewer engagement.

I need some feedback to understand if my perspective on this family inheritance dilemma holds merit.