Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Here I Go Again haha. I told you how I fell in love with a man much older than me who showed me high expectations. He was attentive, loving, kind, everything a woman wants.

As time went on, he got what he wanted, which was to win me over, and he began to show disinterest in me.

During the process, I saw many red flags, and in that outburst, I recounted how bad it felt when he didn't talk to me. I couldn't leave him because every time I tried, it was a sadness that killed me inside, and I wasn't able to stay in bed for days, feeling very bad.

Obviously, I wasn't going to die, but it's something you don't know how to handle. Sadness, no matter how much you try to deceive yourself, exists in the chest, in the head. Even those who've been through it know that it's also felt in the heart.

I didn't know what to do to end it because the relationship continued, but I was having a hard time. I decided to talk about it, and he told me in simple, blunt words that he didn't have any feelings for me and that he just wanted to have a good time. I understood everything perfectly. What I'm thinking is that there will be a door of feelings, showing affection and love, knowing that they will leave the person later.

It doesn't matter, maybe I idealized too much. I was confused, but what all this leads me to are some questions:

Why does it hurt so much? Life goes on.

Why so much dependence on someone who doesn't show interest?

I saw my mother die with my own eyes, and this hurts me more?

I came to the conclusion that my father abandoned me when I was young. My mother, even though I was with her until the last moment, left me at a train station and left me for 14 years. My grandmother kicked me out when I asked for shelter because I was homeless!

I became a mother for the first time, and my father left me alone during the entire pregnancy and childbirth.

I wanted to start a family, but he went with another family.

My pain is the abandonment I've always suffered and I can't get over it because I met this person who gave me all the affection I never received, and I didn't want to lose her.

Obviously, throughout my horrible life, I had addiction problems, and because of this, I've gone back to using drugs almost every day. Simply put, I want to die because I fell back into a job I had, and now it's worse. If I don't have drugs, I go crazy, my body shakes, and I become violent.

The End

P.S.: Never abandon anyone. Be clear, show love, but clearly. And if you're a man, don't abandon your children. Damn you.

I don’t really have companions because, truthfully, I never tried much to make them. It seems I’ve lived isolated for the most of my life. I do have a family—my parents are around—but beyond that, I’m on my own. As a kid, I was the shy one, and over the years, that shyness turned into a preference for solitude. It’s as if I constructed my own quiet little world and, oddly enough, I don’t seem to crave the company of friends as much as one might think.

However, there's something I crave far more than friendship – and that's affection. I don't harbor any ill will towards people. I’m certainly not a misanthrope. Yet, there’s a longing in me to experience simple human affection, like holding hands with a girl, or perhaps even sharing a gentle kiss. These are the modest desires I pine for, the chance to build an intimate connection from such tender beginnings.

Despite painting myself as somewhat righteous in these matters, I worry that my lack of a social circle might turn off potential romantic interests. Maybe it won't be an outright rejection, but there could be a hint of suspicion, a wariness that might eventually push her away. The thought lingers that this might lead to me spending my final years alone, without ever having known intimacy.

How would this scenario play out if I were thrown into the dramatic world of a reality show? Cameras recording every moment of my solitude, the audience witnessing my awkward attempts at human connection—could the added pressure provoke sympathy or ridicule? Would they see my loneliness as a peculiar quirk or a relatable struggle?

If the public were to step into my shoes through the lens of reality TV, I wonder if it could change their perception. Maybe they would cheer for my small victories or feel the sting of my setbacks. Either scenario is daunting yet strangely alluring.

Okay, so I really don’t know what to do right now. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for like, almost a year, and it’s been good, i guess? But lately, I keep asking myself this one question over and over: Should I break up with my boyfriend? And the fact that I’m even asking that makes me feel terrible because it’s not like he’s done something super wrong or anything. It’s just... ugh, I don’t even know how to explain it.

First of all, he’s not a bad guy or whatever. Like, he’s super sweet sometimes, and when we first started dating, he’d do all these cute things, like sending me good morning texts or surprising me with snacks during lunch. But now? It’s like he’s stopped trying. He doesn’t text me first anymore, barely even asks how I’m doing, and when we hang out, he’s always on his phone playing stupid games. It’s like I’m not even there half the time. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he just says, “I’m busy” or “I didn’t know it was a big deal.” Like, hello?? I’m your girlfriend. Shouldn’t you care how i feel?

Then there’s the whole jealousy thing. He gets SO jealous over the dumbest stuff. Like last week, I was just talking to one of my guy friends at school—literally just talking—and later, he was all moody and weird about it. He kept saying stuff like, “Why were you laughing so much with him?” and “You don’t act like that around me anymore.” Like, excuse me? I can have friends! It’s so exhausting trying to constantly reassure him that I’m not cheating or whatever.

But at the same time, I feel bad even thinking about breaking up because I know he cares about me. Like, he’s the type of guy who would defend me if someone was being mean or walk me home if it’s late. And there are moments where I still feel like he loves me, you know? Like, the other day, he randomly brought me coffee because I had a bad day at school. Stuff like that makes me think maybe I’m just overthinking all this and being too harsh on him. But then, the next day, he’ll do something that makes me so frustrated, and I’m right back to wondering if I should break up with him.

It doesn’t help that everyone around me seems to have an opinion. My best friend keeps telling me I deserve better and that if he’s making me feel like this, then I should just end it. But then some of my other friends are like, “Relationships have ups and downs, and you just have to work through them.” So which one is it? Am I supposed to just stick it out and hope it gets better, or is this a sign that it’s time to let go?

Oh, and my parents don’t even like him. They think he’s “too immature” and that I could be focusing on school instead of dealing with boyfriend drama. And honestly? Sometimes I think they might be right. I feel like I spend more time stressing about this relationship than actually enjoying it. But does that mean I should break up with him? Or does every couple go through stuff like this?

The thing is, I do care about him. I really do. But I also feel like I’m losing myself a little bit in this relationship. Like, I used to hang out with my friends all the time and do fun stuff after school, but now it’s like everything revolves around him. If he’s in a bad mood, it ruins my whole day. If he’s happy, I feel like I can finally relax. It’s exhausting, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m just stuck in something unhealthy.

Ugh, I feel like I’m rambling, but I seriously don’t know what to do. Part of me is scared to break up with him because what if I regret it? What if I realize I made a huge mistake, and by then, it’s too late? But then the other part of me is like, what if staying with him means I keep feeling this way? I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I wasted all this time on someone who doesn’t make me happy.

If you’ve ever felt like this, please tell me what you did. Did you break up, or did you try to work things out? How do you even know if it’s time to end things? Right now, I just feel so confused and stuck. I mean, I like him, but do I like him enough to keep dealing with all this? And if I’m already asking myself, “Should I break up with my boyfriend?” does that mean deep down I already know the answer?

My friend seems to be less interested in spending time with me

man, i dont even kno what to say. like seriously, nothing matters anymore. i wake up, i do what i gotta do, i go to sleep, repeat. its all the same, every day. nuthing exciting, nuthing different, just the same boring ass life over and over. people talk about goals n dreams n all that bs but like, what for?? u work ur ass off just to be tired, just to pay bills, just to end up at the same place. so why even bother. i tried to care, i really did. but caring just make things worse bc u get disapointed, u get hurt, u get stress over things that probly dont even matter in the long run. so i stopped. now i just do what i need to do to get thru the day, nothing more, nothing less.

ppl say oh u just need to find somthing u love but what if i dont love anything. like fr, theres nothing that make me wanna get up in the morning. job? boring. school? waste of time. hobbies?? dont even have those anymore. use to try stuff, sports, music, even stupid things like learning to cook or whatever, but i sucked at all of it so whats the point. why keep trying when u kno u gonna fail. and dont even tell me "just work harder," bc working harder dont mean sh*t if u have no talent in the first place. so yeah, i gave up. not like in a dramatic way, just like, i dont put energy into anything anymore.

i see ppl all excited about stuff, making plans, talking about there future like they actually got things figured out. good for them i guess. but i dont see that happening for me. future just seem like a long ass road of more of the same bs. wake up, work, sleep, repeat. its like life is some game i never wanted to play but im stuck here anyway. so now i just stoped pretending. stoped acting like i care when i really dont. maybe one day somthing will change, maybe not. honestly? dont care either way.

I went to my sigma's halftime show last night and lowk I could NOT stop looking at her, everything from the uniform to her performance was absolutely amazing. my friends lowk made fun of me but I feel foolish. I mean how did someone like me get to someone like her?

i’m 19 and i feel like i missed the damn memo on how to love someone. everyone around me is falling in love like it’s some biological reflex—like breathing, like blinking. my friends talk about “butterflies” and “sparks” and that shit just sounds made up. i’ve tried dating, i’ve tried hooking up, i’ve even tried just feeling something when someone looks at me a certain way. but nope. nothing. i’m like emotionally flatlined. am i broken? it’s not like i hate people, i just don’t know what it means to love them. it’s frustrating as hell watching others get so swept up in emotions i can’t even relate to. like, how do you know you love someone? what does it even f***ing feel like? 🤷‍♀️

my friends get all soft over someone texting them “good night” and meanwhile i’m sitting there dissecting the tone and spacing like it’s a damn forensic report. they say love is about connection, chemistry, timing—okay cool, but that’s not a goddamn tutorial. no one tells you how to actually get there. do i fake it until it happens? do i keep swiping through people like i’m scrolling for answers? and don’t tell me “you’ll just know” because that’s useless. i want to feel things, but i can’t manufacture that shit. and then you wonder if it’s asexuality, aromanticism, some kind of emotional dysfunction—but none of it feels like the right diagnosis. i crave something i don’t even understand, something i’ve never had; something maybe i’m not built for.

what if i’m just a highly logical person whose emotional receptors are set to factory default? i analyze behavior, assess compatibility, evaluate risk like a f***ing machine. my brain’s running algorithms and everyone else is writing poetry. i’m sick of pretending like i get it. i want to scream when people say “you’ll find the one” like it’s inevitable. what if i don’t? what if i’m fundamentally incompatible with love? am i supposed to just keep watching everyone else play house while i sit in the audience? 🫠 i want to love, i want to feel, but i can’t fake intimacy, i can’t invent desire; i don’t even know what i’m missing. so yeah—how the hell do you love someone?

I'm done. Lol . Someone sent me a perhaps goodbye message but I am not quite sure if it was a goodbye text or whatever lol. What's weird is that he sent it after awhile of not being able to communicate with each other. For quite sometime. maybe perhaps another way of gaslighting me? Why would u even send a message if you are just saying goodbye? Lol I had enough of this drama I am DONE

Is it just me or does it feel like when you’re going to relapse your whole body gets cold. Like for me when I get urges I get cold head to toe and I’m getting tired as well when it happens idk what to doooo about it

There’s a heaviness in living a life that no longer feels like your own, a script I keep reading aloud, even as the words crumble in my mouth. We’re together, not for love, but for convenience—a fragile, lifeless thread binding us to a home that feels more like a stage.

If I were to leave, the company would fall apart. If he were to leave, the foundation of this house we’ve built would vanish. And so, we stay—partners in duty, strangers in love.

This home is not a sanctuary for my heart. My tears fall unnoticed, my sadness stirs no concern. It doesn’t matter if I cry, if I ache, or if I feel invisible. Here, respect is fleeting, care is transactional, and love appears only when it serves him. I am the pillar holding this family aloft—the financial support, the stepping stone. Perhaps that’s why he doesn’t show just how much he resents me.

And yet, the thought of leaving terrifies me. In the culture I come from, divorce is a scarlet letter, a brand that whispers “failure,” “outcast,” “whore.” Here, it feels as though it’s always the woman who must keep the peace, who must sacrifice herself at the altar of family, no matter how much it hurts. That burden sits heavy on my shoulders, pressing me into silence.

Then there’s our child—our beautiful, innocent child who looks at us and sees something I can no longer feel. He sees “loving parents.” What are we teaching him? That love doesn’t matter as long as you stay? That a hollow home is better than a broken one? One day, he’ll grow up. One day, he’ll understand. And I dread the moment he looks at us and thinks, Mom and Dad stayed together because of me, but there was no love. The thought of that realization shatters me.

Am I raising him in a home that is whole, or a home that is empty? What lessons about love, about self-worth, are we leaving him with? And yet, I can’t bring myself to drag his tiny heart through the chaos of courtrooms, through the wreckage of a family torn apart.

So here I am, trapped in this endless limbo—afraid to stay, afraid to leave. Afraid of what the world will say, of what my child will feel. This fear, this sadness, this weight—it’s my constant companion.

I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know if there’s a way out, or if this is simply my fate. But I carry this story every day, and I needed to release it, even if just into the void.

To anyone walking this same fragile, uncertain path—know that you’re not alone.

everything i do, everything i say feel wrong, i didnt actually mean anything, it was just old stuff i wanted to bring back, now i look like a creep to everyone i depend on, i am shaking as i write this, the more i try not to act like a creep the more the people who i consider friends point it out, i dont want to be in this state of me anymore i dont like myself at all, i did the same mistake twice and i feel like these people are faking their words just for me not to kill myself, i'm a man i'm supposed to be able to handle this but this is so hard to accept, it feels like the world turned its back on me, i dont want to live like this anymore, you can't tell me not to do something i'd regret for the rest of my life, i've regretted everything my whole life, anything i did just killed me right in front of you, either i am being too sensitive or you being too sensitive it doesnt fucking matter, i am dead, i started to hate everyone when i was 13, i was too young to feel that way, i crave happiness, i was not the person i thought i was, i am fucking suck

Hi guys,

Growing up, I endured mistreatment from one of my parents. When I opened up about it, my parents separated, and the abusive parent moved out. We stayed in the same apartment, I started therapy, and life moved on.

Still, I struggled with nightmares and flashbacks, particularly triggered by my bedroom. I requested to change rooms or at least rearrange mine, but my family refused.

This discomfort persisted, and I left home as soon as possible. Even now, visiting my family makes me uneasy, a feeling that intensified after I reported the abuse in 2021 and had to recount the details of the apartment.

Now, I stay with a friend during visits.

My mother recently acquired her aunt's apartment nearby and is fervently renovating it. She often sends me photos of the progress. While I get why she wants to share, I feel resentful that there was never such excitement about updating my own space or moving while I was there. She claimed we couldn't afford to move then, but now she's taking on significant debt, which might even fall on me, as she's buying the flat to finance her aunt's care.

Compounding my distress, my mother approached the friend I stay with to rent our old apartment. It feels like I'm losing my safe haven to the shadows of my past.

To others, it may just be a series of new beginnings, and perhaps to some, an apartment is just that. My mother argues that I'm being unreasonable and insists everything is fresh and free of past burdens. She believes I should wait and see once renovations are complete. I've explained that it doesn't feel that way to me and asked her to dial back on the renovation updates, but she hasn't adjusted her approach.

What hits differently is how people's indifference makes me feel isolated. If I were on a reality show, viewers might see just how deep these "renovations" cut and could better understand why I can't just let go of the past as easily as they're redecorating.

Am I wrong for letting my emotions show and for telling her instead of acting thrilled for everyone else's sake?

Recently, a coworker from my office, whom I wouldn't consider a close friend but more of an acquaintance, invited me to a celebration for his new home purchase. It was an impressive property, complete with a sprawling backyard, a swimming pool, and even a decorative waterfall cascading into the pool. Although we mostly exchanges pleasantries at work and don't spend time together otherwise, he generously asked me to bring along my girlfriend.

The gathering was quite large; close to forty guests were there, and I only knew a handful of them. As the evening unfolded, my girlfriend started airing her grievances about the party in Hunsrik, a Germanic dialect spoken in our region of Southern Brazil. She criticized everything from the food selections, which she claimed did not cater to her dietary needs, to the host's choice of decor and playlist. Assuming no one else at the party would understand, she didn't hold back on her harsh remarks.

However, unbeknownst to her, my coworker approached and responded in fluent German, offering sympathy for the dietary incompatibility and even suggested a nearby store where she could find suitable food. He also invited her to choose some music if she wasn't enjoying what was played. The look of disbelief on her face was unmistakable, and a few snickers from other guests didn't help the situation.

Flustered, she retorted in Portuguese, questioning how they understood German. My coworker explained that he and a few others at the party had spent time working in Germany. Feeling utterly embarrassed, she urged me to leave, but I was enjoying myself and suggested we stay longer. Reluctantly, she agreed but kept to herself for most of the night. The ride home was tense, filled with arguments about whether I should have supported her or not. She blamed me for not disclosing my coworker’s fluency in German, although it was something I hadn't truly appreciated myself.

Imagine if this whole debacle unfolded on a reality TV show—no doubt it would've made for some cringe-worthy yet highly engaging television. The cameras would've captured every awkward expression and sharply whispered aside, amplifying the drama and, perhaps, adding a provocative twist to explore cultural assumptions and mishaps in social etiquette further.

i know it sound stupid to some ppl, like just another weird fear or whatever, but i swear this thing is real for me. i can’t stop thinkin about it—losing my mind, my memories, my self. dementia, alzheimer’s, all that… it terrifies me. like deep in my bones kind of fear. i’ll be sittin there watchin tv or just layin in bed, and boom, it hits me. “what if i forget who i am one day? what if i forget my mom, or where i live, or how to talk?” nd it ain’t even like i’m old or anything, i’m only 27, but the thought never leaves. it started after my grandma passed. she had alzheimer’s nd near the end she didn’t even remember me, nd that messed me up fr. i’d go visit her, nd she’d smile at me like i was a stranger, callin me names of people long gone. it was like watchin her fade while still breathin. nd now it’s like every little thing i forget makes me panic. forgot where i left my keys? maybe it’s startin. called someone by the wrong name? brain’s probly already slippin.

i keep tryin to tell myself it’s just anxiety, that i’m overthinkin, but it don’t help. i’ve googled the symptoms so many times i basically memorized the whole list. nd now it’s like i’m constantly watchin myself, checkin if i’m rememberin stuff right, testin myself with lil memory games in my head like a freak. sometimes i won’t even enjoy a moment cause i’m too scared i won’t remember it. nd that’s the worst part honestly. the fear is stealin the life i’m tryin to protect. like i’ll be hangin with friends nd instead of laughin, i’m thinkin “ok remember this, what are we talkin about? who’s here? what time is it?” nd if i mess up just once it’s like my whole body goes cold. my chest gets tight, my head spins, i start spiralin like “this is it, it’s happening, i’m losing it.” no one really gets it either. they just be like “bro ur fine” or “you’re too young for that stuff.” nd i know they mean well, but it don’t help. it just makes me feel more alone.

sometimes i feel like i’m already gone a little, like the fear itself is eatin away at me. it’s not even just memory loss i’m scared of—it’s losing me. who i am, what i love, the people i care about. i see older people walkin down the street lookin confused and i can’t help but wonder, “were they like me once?” did they have the same thoughts, the same fears, and then one day it all just slipped? maybe i sound crazy, but it’s real to me. nd i don’t kno how to stop it. therapy helped a bit but i still have bad days. sometimes real bad. nd i just sit there in the dark, tryin to hold onto everything i can remember, like if i think hard enough it’ll all stay. maybe it’s irrational, maybe i got some kinda health anxiety or whatever, but it feels like this shadow followin me everywhere i go. nd no matter how fast i run, it’s always there. this fear of forgettin, of fading, of losin who i am. dementophobia. that’s the word i found online. nd it’s ugly, it’s heavy, and it’s real as hell.

I’m so fucking done with ppl who don’t know my tell me to die die die all the fucking time I accidentally posted a vid of a few marks and now getting judgement for it I don’t know if there right maybe I should just die but I don’t want to go to this stage again of feeling low and self harm and being suicidal I literally js got a text from her now saying to kill myself like what am I ment to say to that ohh Yh sure like what the fuck I’m so stuck and I have school starting on Tuesday and I’m literally so scared to go back idk what there gonna do and my anxiety is so crazy I’m having panic attack and anxiety attacks all the time now