Random Life Stories and Unpredictable Moments

TW slight mention of SH and suicidal thoughts

In the past I had some depressive like symptoms. I sh in many different ways and also had some kind of suicidal thoughts. I have gotten better over the last year because some issues I had with other people solved and everything is actually fine. I have been fine. Things have gotten better. However I feel like I am slipping again. I am slipping. The last days or weeks I feel worse and thoughts come back I hoped wouldn’t. I thought it would finally get better because I actually began to see a future for myself. Still the feeling is stronger that there isn’t anything. I suddenly notice that maybe I am the problem. Others care about me and are actually right in many situations but I just tell them off even yell and even am manipulative in some situations. The worst about is that they often then actually believe me and I do want to apologise but the words just don’t come out. I don’t make things better and just wallow in my despair. I try to. But I am not sure. I hurt myself again. It’s stupid. I don’t even know why. I somehow feel like it’s all part of my character, who would I be without my problems? I need that feeling of self-pity. I need to be able to fault others and yet I know that I don’t make it easy for others. I want to have friends and want to be close to others but I can’t share anything about myself. I want to have something genuine and yet I am jealous if they’re better than me or even feel worse than me. I just can’t feel empathy for them. Even while I am writing this I feel like I am reading off a script. That I am not being genuine.

hey everyone, i'm feeling all kinds of confused right now and i just want to let it all out 😅 so here goes... i'm 27 and have been dating this amazing guy for about 3 months, everything's been going pretty good, he's really nice and we get along super well. but then we decided to spice things up a bit and had a threesome with my best friend, who happens to be a girl. and now i find myself questioning everything about myself. like, am i actually bisexual? is this just a phase or perhaps something more? 😕 i keep wondering if these feelings are genuine or if they're just intensified because of the newness of the relationship and the experience itself. it's been a real mind trip, honestly.

so i’ve been replaying the whole scenario in my head, like every single detail, trying to figure out what i really felt and why. i realized that during the whole thing, i was just as into her as i was into him, and it was a strange realization to have. it didn't freak me out or anything (thank goodness), but now i'm left unsure about my feelings and it's a bit overwhelming. i mean, i’ve never had any kind of romantic or sexual attraction to women before this, or at least i thought i didn't 😕 but maybe it just took the right circumstances for me to feel this way; like maybe being with someone i trust, my best friend, gave me the freedom to explore these feelings without fear or judgment. idk, i kind of feel guilty about it all too, like i'm betraying my boyfriend or something, even though he's been totally cool with it. the question really is, what does this mean for me? am i just discovering something new about myself or is it a temporary thing? 🤔

i guess the cool thing is, i’m not freaking out about it or anything, more like curious and hopeful about the future. like, maybe it's something that could add an exciting new layer to my life and relationships? who knows! and my best friend and i have been super open with each other about everything, which has helped a lot. we’ve had so many deep convos since, and she's been really understanding and supportive 💕 the whole thing's actually brought us closer, so at least there’s that silver lining. but this leads to another question in my mind, like how will this affect my current relationship with my bf? i mean, i just don’t want to complicate things or hurt anyone involved. maybe it's all up in my head and i'm making it a bigger deal than it is, who knows. anyway, i’m just aiming to sort through these feelings and see where they lead me, no rush, just taking things one day at a time. if anyone's been through something similar, i’d definitely love to hear from you! 🤗 thanks for letting me get this off my chest!

It is exactly as it sounds. I have a cat and a dog. I spotted fleas over two years ago. So we used spot on. Then they came back, so I used spot on and flea treatment. I have been doing this on and off for two FUCKING YEARS. I changed the treatment and they seemed to go. But I found them AGAIN!! One this morning on the cat. In retrospect, they scratched a lot between last sighting and now. So they never left. NEVER. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!! I HAVE SPENT HUNDREDS ON THESE FUCKING PESTS AND THEY JUST WON'T DIE. I WANT TO BURN MY HOUSE DOWN. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. I HATE THEM SO MUCH. I HATE THEM, I HATE MYSELF AND I JUST WANT TO DIE. FUCKING FOUL CREATURES!!!

Uh hi, hoping this will send? I'm Robbie (dw it's a nickname) and go by he/him.

I just realised I don’t trust my therapist anymore, if I ever did.

My parents sent me to therapy for my self destructive coping mechanisms June last year, and even then we never even adressed my coping mechanisms. She (my therapist) once asked awkwardly if I was still doing those, and I wasn’t at the time, so I said so, and now I never mention relapses.

I’m afraid to tell her I’m depressed again since I only got out years of depression this April (cause I got myself outta an ensmeshed traumatising friendship) so it’s bad for me to be depressed again, to still have bad thoughts,

I’m afraid my therapist will judge me, more than she does already when for example i mention I’m a positive nihilist,

and I mean therapy was useful until April cause I always vented about that “friendship” and that helped but it doesn’t help anymore when my therapist brings up H. (the past friend) these days, feels like im being retraumatised when I hear their name.

Guess I should be thankful I even got a trans accepting therapist in the first place, I mean it was my therapist who convinced my parents to accept me as trans after all these years of them not accepting it. Ugh idk.

These days each session my therapist asks me how I feel, I say “fine if a bit stressed” she asks how I’m feeling about H., I move on swiftly and move onto the subject of what school drama I’ve been involved in recently makes me angry, give that I’m finally able to feel anger as a emotion for the first time in my life nowadays.

And look, I lie a lot, and my therapist doesn’t realise, I’m sure she realises some of it, but not all, not when it matters, and yes i suppose i should stop lying but I fear her judgement so much.

So yeah, these days I feel like I'm back 3 years, meaning that I'm navigating my mental issues all on my own, and luckily I'm doing so in much healthier ways than i did three years back, But still, it's lonely, and it feels unfair to me that i have a therapist, one that Ive had a year and a half and yet I dont feel able to address actual issues with her anymore. I feel i havent been able to address any actual issues with her ever since I cut ties with H. I mean, Maybe i was never really talking about myself, I was always talking about H. back then, H. was my life, and I suppose I never learnt to actually talk about my issues after H.

And now every session therapy feels like a waste of time, as I'm lying half the time, and otherwise talking about mundane stuff that i just bitch to my friends about anyways. And my therapists office is so far, it takes about 3 hours from my day each time i have a session even when the sessions are only 1 hour. And I've got such paranoia and fear about wasting time because of some of that trauma involving having been enmeshed with H.

This one will be short.

In preschool... They say it gets better in elementary school.

...

It doesn't😑.

...

In elementary school... They say it gets better in middle school/junior high.

...

It doesn't😑.

...

In middle school/junior high... They say it gets better in high school.

...

It doesn't😑.

...

In high school... They say it gets better in community college.

...

It doesn't😑.

...

In community college... They say it gets better at University.

...

It doesn't😑.

...

They say it gets better once you start working after college.

...

...

...

I honestly don't know if it does... But if my track record is the same... Then...

...

...

...

It doesn't😑.

But that could just be me... I'm happy and jealous of all those who are successful in the school and career lives!! Hats off to ya! A round of applause! Wolf whistle in the back!

...

I sad🥲.

I need help easing this anxiety real quick; im 17. I lost my virginity recently, we used protection and the guy didn’t eject. A condom or two broke, but we immediately put a new one on. However; my period is delayed two weeks. I’ve had a regular cycle for years. I can’t talk to my parents about this, especially my mom. They’re extremely strict with dating. I can’t tell my boyfriend about this, because im unsure.

There’s not a chance, right? 😭

I’ve been stressed for a long time now, so I know that can affect that, but it hasn’t before.

My Partner and I Disagreed About Our House Renovation Project

So my partner and I disagreed about me asking him to take time off for our house renovation project. I suggested he use some of his holiday for a garden project so we could get a big proportion of it done in one go. He said no, his holiday was his time to do what he wanted and it wasn't fair for me to ask him to use it for the house renovations as he has less holidays than me. I said maybe he could just use 1 or 2 days and he said he would not compromise on this and wanted to do the project over several weekends instead.

As I have school holidays off, I said I would not be comprising either and would be getting the work done in my holidays and not just on the weekends as I wanted it to be done sooner.

He said that was not fair as he wanted to be just as involved in the project as me and accused me of threatening to do the work without him and not respecting his choice to save his holidays for things he likes doing more. He also said I could do other projects to which I replied that I just end up doing the rubbish jobs that he doesn't want to do because I have more holidays than him.

If we were in a reality show, I wonder how people would react to this situation. Would they side with me, or would they think I'm being unreasonable? It's so easy for others to judge when they're not in the same position.

i’ve spent my whole life chasing the dream of being a pro footballer, y’know? every day, training on my own, with the lads, at the gym, trying to push myself harder than yesterday. i’d wake up early, sleep late, never stopped thinking about the game. but now, i’m 23, and it’s finally hitting me that maybe, just maybe, i’m not good enough. no club’s ever taken me seriously, and i can’t even get a spot to earn a basic salary from this. it hurts, honestly, because i gave it everything i had. my parents, bless them, they’ve been my biggest cheerleaders, always saying “don’t give up,” but i can see it in their eyes too – they’re worried about what comes next. i should’ve studied more, kept my options open, but all i could think of was football. now it feels like i’m standing at the edge of a cliff, wondering what to do next. do i keep pushing for something that’s not happening, or do i finally admit i need a plan b?

the thing is, i don’t even know what i’d do if it’s not football. i’ve put all my eggs in this basket for so long, i can’t imagine doing anything else. i didn’t focus on school, didn’t get a trade, nothing. football was my life, my identity. now i feel like a fool, and it’s scary. but i guess life’s not over yet. there’s still time to figure something out, even if it means starting from scratch. i’ve been thinking about coaching, maybe working with kids, trying to pass on what i know. or i could look at fitness training or something else sporty – something that keeps me close to the game. it’s not the big dream i had, but it’s a start, right? i’m not gonna sit around and mope forever, i just need to get my head straight and make a new plan; maybe this was never meant to be my path in the first place. have you ever felt like your dream was slipping away from you and you had to start again?

sometimes i feel embarrassed talking about this, like i’m letting everyone down – my family, my mates, even myself. but deep down, i know they just want me to be happy. it’s not about how much money you make or the career you have, it’s about waking up and feeling good about what you’re doing. i don’t want to waste more years chasing something that’s breaking me down. i’m still young, i’ve got time to figure it out, and i’m not afraid to work hard – i just need to be smart about it. maybe i’ll find something that gives me the same buzz as football. maybe it’ll take a while. but i’m not giving up on life, not on my dreams either, just shifting them a bit. at the end of the day, it’s about finding your own version of success, whatever that looks like. so why am i not good enough? maybe i am – just not for the path i thought i wanted.

so, I'm a 21-year-old guy at uni, right? and I already know I'm gay. I've figured that part out. but here's the thing: I can't really tell if other people are gay too. like, is there a secret sign or something I'm missing? I mean, people throw around stereotypes, and sure, they might give a hint sometimes, but it's not really reliable, you know? some dudes dress really nicely and take care of themselves, but that doesn't always mean they're gay. and then there's the whole voice thing. people say if a guy has a certain kind of voice, it might mean he's gay, but I've heard all kinds of voices, and it's just confusing, man. people are all different, and you can't put them in boxes just like that.

being at uni doesn't make it easier, though. I mean, everyone is like, super diverse and from all places, so there's this melting pot of cultures and personalities. it's like, you walk into a lecture, and there's a rainbow of identities, but at the same time, it gets difficult to just ask someone point-blank if they're gay. it's like an unspoken rule or something, to not just start a conversation with, "hey, are you gay?" unless you're in a setting where that's a normal question to ask; but mostly, it's kinda awkward. and let's face it, people might get the wrong idea or get offended, and that's not cool. so, it's more about picking up small clues and stuff, but how do you even figure those out when everyone's just doing their own thing?

if you've ever thought about this, you're probably wondering the same stuff. like, do you wait for them to say something, or do you drop hints yourself and see how they respond? I guess part of it is just being open to conversations and respecting boundaries. it's about being chill and not jumping to conclusions based on first impressions. maybe it's just better to let people reveal themselves at their own pace. have you ever noticed when someone casually mentions a partner and doesn't specify a gender? that might be a soft clue, but again, who knows? at the end of the day, everyone will just reveal what they want when they're comfortable, and it's all good.

I have undianosed dyscalculia, and it really just overall sucks a lot. I take a lot longer to get things done in math class, and I've even gone to dislike games that everyone considers fun because I can never contribute as well as my teammates. Ever since I was about six I've kind of known that something was wrong, but every time my parents tried convincing me that I was good at math and just talking down on myself, even though I could hardly understand the concepts. it just kept getting worse as time went on, though, and now I have no idea how to bring something like that up. My math teacher has expectations for where the class should be, and I'm not there at all, if it weren't for two other people in the class then we would have way harder lessons. I've had a friend call me stupid (in a friendly joking kind of way, not at all knowing about any of this because we always joke about me being terrible at math), and even though it used to be a joke now it just hurts. I'm scared for next year because I know it's just going to get harder, and I don't think my parents are going to help get me diagnosed because they genuinely belive theres nothing wrong (I've had to have a doctor tell them I had anxiety way higher than people my age for them to belive me, which makes me think they don't trust me or just listen to me).

It's gotten to the point where I genuinely feel really dumb and stupid, even though I know I can't really help it. it also doesn't help that everything just slips out of my head, so if I do ever figure something out I can never remember and have to start all over.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I have been falling behind in life compared to other teens. I often see my peers hanging out with friends or significant others on the weekend, whilst I bed rot and constantly scroll through my social media. I feel a deep sense of hatred and disgust towards myself because I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough. I also struggle with my body image because I feel uncomfortable inside my own body and sometimes feel like I want to rip my skin off. I feel like I’m watching my youth fly by me day by day and I don’t know how to stop it.

Hello everyone!

I'm currently expecting a child and had to be rushed to the hospital a few days back due to severe chest pain that raised suspicions of a lung clot. I'm still in the hospital as I write this.

A couple of weeks earlier, I lost my beloved maternal grandfather to cancer. Our family is still deeply shaken by the loss.

About two and a half years ago, I underwent a traumatic experience during a car accident which left me with severe injuries including broken ribs, pelvis, and three places in my back. This incident occurred amid the COVID pandemic, so my hospitalization included numerous scans around the clock. They eventually concluded that immediate surgery wasn't required, so I was discharged the next morning with prescription for morphine and a wheelchair. Upon my release, I was overwhelmed by around a hundred messages from acquaintances, prompted by the photos and details of my accident shared on social media by my mother and stepfather. Despite my request to remove those posts due to privacy concerns, they remained online.

Today, a good friend informed me that my mother has been sharing news of my pregnancy and current hospitalization in various group chats. My stepfather has also been discussing it with his side of the family. Despite my insistence that my husband and I wanted to announce this news ourselves, they went ahead and shared it anyway. I conveyed my hurt and disappointment to them, and I highlighted their dishonesty with evidence of messages from others. In response, my mother sent a tearful voice note apologizing and expressing her distress over my grandfather's passing. I tried to be understanding but reaffirmed my need for privacy.

My stepfather, whom I've been close with, sent me a voice note too, stating that they don't need the stress and accusing me of overreacting over something "trivial." He brushed it off as my hormonal state and refused to admit they did anything wrong. He attributed their actions to concern about my well-being. He refused an apology, added that I had upset my mother significantly, and expressed his disappointment in my reaction, despite his assertion of love for me as a daughter.

Initially, I addressed my mother with a message highlighting how their actions had breached my trust, making my hospital stay more stressful by knowing that my personal life was shared without my consent.

Although I understand we are all dealing with grief and emotional strain, I can't help but feel that their indiscretion was thoughtless rather than malicious. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Imagining if this situation unfolded on a reality TV show, it's likely the drama and emotional conflicts would be heightened for entertainment value. Viewers might see a dramatized confrontation with family interactions under the microscope, potentially swaying public opinion about privacy and family boundaries in challenging times like these. It would stir up viewer debates about the right balance between family support and privacy.

My husband, Mark, and I split all essential household costs down the middle, including groceries and the electricity bill. I see myself as the one who adds those special touches to our home, frequently dipping into my own funds for extras like new dishware, decorative items, and furniture. Unfortunately, Mark tends to be a bit negligent with our belongings, which often results in broken items around the house. Usually, I end up replacing these myself. However, a recent incident has left me rethinking this dynamic.

This Christmas, I had picked out a lovely new kettle as a present for my mother and stashed it under our tree. Last week, I discovered that our own kitchen kettle, which was less than a year old, was broken. Mark's response when I asked about it was a nonchalant, "I don't know." This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Frustrated, I've decided not to replace the kettle this time. I pointedly told him that since he broke it, it would be his responsibility to replace it. Given his usual reluctance to spend money, it seems we might be without a kettle for a while. Despite everything, I love him dearly, but it's tough sometimes!

Already Happy holidays, everyone!

Where do I look? I don't know where to look. I confess that I have a hard time looking at myself much. I have so many things scattered throughout my life that I don't know. I confess, and I must be clear, that I've completely abandoned my life. It's true; I feel like I know nothing about myself, absolutely nothing. I don't know what conditions I live in. I feel like I'm constantly carrying all that weight. I have a hard time looking at myself. I feel like it's strange for me.

In principle, what does it mean to look at myself? I don't know. I haven't asked myself how I am for a while. I just follow a vague routine and that's it. I don't know about my life. I've never asked myself how I am with my relationships. I feel like I've neglected that because I don't nurture them; I think that's why I don't possess them, unless they really catch my attention. What is it like to look at yourself? How is everything structured? Where do I start? What does it mean to be with yourself?

I have a hard time looking inside myself because, even though I don't know, I don't know why there are so many things. I feel a sovereign distaste for such a depth. It bothers me that I can't tap into it immediately. What questions do I ask myself first? Am I good? Am I bad? Am I this or that? I have no reference to refer to myself. It's scarce. I've always been concerned with measuring myself through others, so that their comments, due to their very content, don't affect me, and that's precisely why I maintain a limiting dependence on them.

I feel like I've never reached myself. I have depth in my words, but I feel like I've never penetrated myself. I feel that, to begin with, it must be said, I'm disgusted by my life because I don't take care of my hygiene. I tend to be lazy with it because of the tiredness it causes me to go through the motions of maintaining it. I dislike it, but at the same time I like it because it allows me to live far from how I lived at home.

I feel like my life is precisely a radical escape from the life I had with my mother and father, especially during my upbringing. I had a very heavy life, and now I try to make it as light as possible, unfortunately, going to extremes, apparently. In fact, I don't even want to have clean clothes. I only live for the sake of no one noticing what's going on. Now that I think about it, the mere idea of ​​living with myself makes me hide.

Also, I feel like I wouldn't live with myself because I feel like I'd point out things about myself, highlight strange things that I don't want anyone else to see, including, apparently, me. I just let myself go and I'm not aware of what I'm doing. Deep down, I feel like I'm bathing in a deep sadness and I play with it. In a way, I feel like I'm overcoming it, challenging it, even though it's there. It's an attitude that wasn't allowed either.

I live to do what my system of rules, with which I was raised, breaks down completely. In fact, I feel like I'm still a teenager, I confess. I dislike it partly because I'm getting bored of being in constant conflict with it. I feel it's time to stop fighting that upbringing. I don't feel like it's doing me any good, and in fact, I feel like it's causing a lot of noise right now.

That is to say, I feel like I have a life, or I've reached a structure, with which I like and dislike. Again, on the terrain of rebellion. I feel like I don't know, I must say, what I really want with my life. I've reached a deep stagnation. When will I get out? I don't know, in principle, what my tastes are. I feel like I haven't fully emerged.

Nothing has come out of that struggle with my belief system yet. It used to be that it brought me tremendous benefit, however, I've reached a point where it's no longer necessary. In fact, in the environments I frequent, it's no longer necessary; rather, it's superfluous. It's become dispensable. I need to know what can emerge from this struggle, a dialectic, as they would say in philosophy.

I've reached the point of reflecting on: Who am I? I swore I had that answer a long time ago, however, I've only explored what I had to say about the things I experience, which has given me the ability to be at this point where I ask myself that question: Who am I? What do I do in this world? What purpose can I serve society? Why do I exist? Why do I spend time with the people I spend time with? Why am I alone and not accompanied? Would I be better off being accompanied than alone? Why is it worth continuing to live? I feel like I have so many questions to answer; I'd never asked myself them, and during my upbringing, they were truly unthinkable.

The one that stands out most to me now is: Why don't I pursue what I love? Right now, I see myself in the worst voices, but they come from voices that aren't mine, but rather my parents', so they aren't guiding. Why do I do what I do? I feel that, essentially, I don't have a reason for what I do, something that gives it meaning. I feel like I live without knowing why I act, what drives me, and I confess, I'm totally unaware of that. I see myself acting, simply, based on maintaining the organic relationship between things without actually going anywhere beyond that.

I think the question that plagues me right now is, and I think it encompasses everything: Where do I have to go? What is that place? What do I have to follow? I find myself without that reference. Why have I allowed myself to go so long without that reference? I don't understand. How have I been able to live without one? Now the question is: Is it a reference? Or is it admitting that no such reference exists? Personally, I think the most important thing is to unburden this area, which, in effect, I think we can talk about as an existential crisis.

Recently, my friend Angela has been going through quite a rough patch with her husband, and it seems like she needs all the support she can get. Our friendship had been on pause for about four years, but we've reconnected. Now, she has developed a habit of popping by whenever she feels like it, usually with a whole crowd in tow.

Just to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with, let's talk about last Friday, which happened to be her husband’s birthday. Earlier in the week, she mentioned she was planning a dinner outing for him. However, on Friday morning, her plans seemed to change. She rang me up, curious about what I was doing. When I mentioned that I planned a quiet day watching movies at home, she immediately pitched the idea of coming over to my place for a BBQ instead. She assured me that it would just be her and the kids, which seemed manageable, so I agreed, though a bit reluctantly since I wasn't prepared for guests.

No sooner had I started tidying up than she called again, now more excited than before. Suddenly, her solo family visit had expanded to include a male friend of hers and possibly another one for me, plus another one of her friends. Just like that, my quiet day turned into a potential party scene without my consent. She hadn't asked if it was okay to invite additional people or even if she could distribute my address.

Overwhelmed, I used an incoming call as an excuse to hang up and buy some time. When Angela didn't hear back from me, she inundated my phone with calls. Eventually, I texted her that something unexpected had come up and that hosting was off the table. She didn’t respond. Curious, I later called to check in only to find out she had dropped the BBQ idea altogether. When I questioned her about not using her apartment and grill, and scrapping the dinner plans, she dodged the former and mentioned wanting to save money on the latter.

Now, imagine if all of this happened with cameras rolling in a reality show setting. The confrontation, unexpected guests, and last-minute cancellations would probably escalate dramatically, showcasing a mix of hectic planning and perhaps some humorous, awkward interactions. The viewers would get a kick out of seeing how everyone's reactions played out live, adding an extra layer of entertainment and possibly some sympathy for my predicament.

Was I wrong for evading the setup and ignoring her follow-up calls?