Why do I hate myself? Where it comes from and what helped
Self-hatred rarely starts by itself. The stories posted anonymously here trace it back to specific places, and the replies describe what loosened it. No diagnosis, no miracle, just what people went through.
The question people cannot answer about themselves
One of the most discussed stories on this site is titled Why do I hate myself? I can't find the answer. Forty-two people replied. The author had a decent life on paper and could not find a single event that justified the contempt they felt for themselves, which made it worse: hating yourself for a reason is at least a story, hating yourself for nothing feels like a fact.
That is the shape of most of these stories. Someone asks why they hate themselves so much, or writes that they hate themselves so much it hurts, and the question underneath is always the same: is this true, or is this something that happened to me?
Where the replies locate it
The replies are not therapy, but across these threads they keep finding the same origins. The most frequent is a voice that was someone else's first: a parent, a sibling, a teacher or a partner who said, often enough, that the person was lazy, stupid, too much or not enough. Years later the voice is internal and sounds like the truth. A second origin is something the person did and never forgave, like the reader who wrote I hate myself for what I did after cheating. A third is a long period of failing at things that mattered, school or money or relationships, where "I failed" slowly became "I am a failure".
Some stories go further than hatred, like the one titled I hate everything and everyone, where the anger has turned outward as well. In those threads the replies tend to notice how tired the author sounds, and that matters: exhaustion and depression make self-contempt feel like clarity.
What people said had helped them
Not advice from experts, but what the authors and the people replying reported about their own lives.
- Naming the voice. Several readers describe the moment they recognized a parent's exact words in their own head, and how it became possible to argue with a sentence once it had an author.
- Separating the act from the person. In the stories about guilt, the replies that helped drew a line between "I did something wrong" and "I am wrong", and asked what repair was still possible.
- Treating the body first. Sleep, food, alcohol and isolation come up again and again; people who hated themselves less six months later often describe boring changes rather than insights.
- Telling one person. Many authors say the story on this site was the first time they had said it to anyone, and that the replies made the next conversation, with a friend or a therapist, possible.
Is it normal to hate yourself?
A reader asked exactly that, is it normal to hate yourself?, and the answer in the replies was clear: common, yes, and not something to settle into. If the feeling has lasted for months, comes with hopelessness, or makes you want to hurt yourself, it is a medical matter, and the people here will say so too. There is a wider guide on what is wrong with me for the version of the question that has not yet become hatred.
If you are thinking about hurting yourself
If you are thinking about ending your life, this page is not the right help: call your local emergency number, or a crisis line such as 988 in the United States and Canada or 116 123 (Samaritans) in the United Kingdom. They answer at any hour and you do not have to give your name.
Questions and answers
Can I write about this anonymously?
Yes. You sign in with an existing account, only a generated pseudonym is kept, and that pseudonym is what others see. Stories are reviewed before publication.
Will the replies be kind?
Mostly. Replies are public, written by other members and reviewed afterwards; what breaks the rules is removed. Expect honesty more than comfort.
Is this a substitute for therapy?
No. Several of the stories above end with the author deciding to see someone; the replies often helped them get there, nothing more.
What if I hate myself for something I did?
Say what it was, as far as you can without identifying anyone. The threads about guilt get the most useful replies when the act is on the table.
How writing it helps when the enemy is yourself
Self-hatred needs silence. Describing it for strangers, and reading how they read it, is the first crack most authors mention.
“IIWIARS provided me with a space to share my struggles, and the support I received helped me feel understood.”