Love Stories

I will only believe a girl likes me if she cries for me. i promise i am not sadistic or anything, i just have BAD trust issues and will only believe someone's love and yearning if they display it loudly and clearly. I don't want to give someone love without the assurance that they love me too. i want to love, but i could never allow myself to love someone if they don't show their love to me first. I don't want to be used, i don't want to be vulnerable. i want to be detached, so when abandonment eventually comes, i won't be as impacted.

i know this might be bad, but the more i watch other sapphics/lesbians like me talk about their painful breakups, the thicker my barrier grows. I don't wanna be hurt, i don't wanna be weak. vulnerability is my biggest fear. but for the sake of not hurting myself, i might end up hurting someone... it always comes to my mind, what if someone truly loves me, but my barrier became way too thick for me to take it?

i have a friend, my only highschool friend, and she said i am her best friend. guess what? it's still hard to believe her. we talk often and frequent the same places, and she's always willing to talk to me unless she's super drained, but i still haven't found the strength to open up fully, because she might disappear anytime. i can't believe I'm more than just "someone she knows". i want to protect myself, but i feel like doing it this way is making me worse. I don't know what to do.

for a while, I've been feeling very lonely. i am very introverted, don't mind being on my own, and interacting with new people is very tiresome. but still, for some reason, I've been craving some kind of intimacy, some connection with someone, specifically with a woman. i want a girlfriend.

when i realized it, I was very cringed at myself. i always saw myself as self sufficient, no need for romance or sex... but suddenly i feel like this, wanting the embrace of a pretty woman, hearing kind words and affirmations, being truly loved, appreciated, being someone's important person...

so, i created this imaginary girlfriend inside my head, for me to fantasize about whenever loneliness hit me. I've always lived inside my own head 24/7, it's a trait of mine to just stop and think about things, wander in imagination, so it wasn't hard for me to sink into this fantasy.

my imaginary girlfriend is older and more mature than me, not in a "superiority" way, but in a way that helps me grow as a person and navigate this difficult world. she's kind, extroverted, funny, very gentle and almost motherly. flirty and spicy, but understanding of my boundaries as an extremely shy and embarrassed person. she's bigger than me, both in terms of height and body mass, and likes to put her weight on me for fun. she likes to bring me to different places, and is dedicated to letting me experience things and have fun outside of my comfort zone, but never pushing me uncomfortably far. overall, she's the half I'm missing(?)

but, after a while with this fantasy, i started to get attached to this image of her, and started to wonder: how will i leave this fantasy when i meet a potential real life girlfriend? how will i let go of my expectations, everything that i "built" with this imaginary woman? i know, i am probably embarrassingly delusional LMAO but i really want to be able to leave it behind eventually, because I don't want the girl in my future to feel like she isn't good enough for me. mainly, the thing i want to figure out is HOW to draw the line between what is just "my type" X what is an "hyper expectation" from someone.

does anyone else feel or ever felt this way? if so, how was it when you found a real person for yourself? i really want to hear...

ok so if your that one guy who knows me irl YOU BETTER NOT FREAKING TELL ANYONE IF YOU SEE THIS I WILL SLAP YOU well not really but if tell anyone I swear-

so I like someone (we'll call her Imogen)

my feelings for her have been on/off since like sixth grade but at the beginning of this year, our 8th grade year, they came back and stayed.

for a while I ignored them, because in 7th she got a girlfriend (Jaron) (YES I AM USING NAMES FROM A BOOK SERIES-)

but then my feelings got a bit stronger but I continued to ignore them

but then she and Jaron started dating Amarinda (it's polyamorous) and it stung when I found out and I couldn't explain why.

but now it's gotten so much worse because Imogen and Amarinda look so happy together and it makes my heart ache for two reasons, because I like Imogen and because I'm lonely.

but i know imogen will never feel the same about me and it's tearing me up inside even though I know it's true.

and all this hurts for another reason: because I have a strong suspicion that my best friend, Trea, has a crush on me, and today basically confirmed it even though she hasn't said it.

Honestly though, Imogen probably has already guessed that I like her since I've liked her on/off since I met her, but if she doesn't know then idk what to do.

There's literally nobody I can talk to about this, not Trea definitely, not our other friend Mott, and not my friend (who's on this site) Roden. I can't tell Trea because, well, if she likes me I don't want to hurt her. I can't tell Mott because I can't trust that he won't tell Amarinda or Jaron (idrc if Imogen knows, she has a right to know how I feel). and I can't tell Roden because I just feel like he wouldn't understand.

I really just don't know what to do. Do I tell Imogen how I feel, and just deal with the inevitable disappointment that comes with unrequited love, or do I suffer in silence and just assume she's already guessed it? or could I trust Mott or Roden to let her know how I feel?

And Roden, you're on this site, so if you read this, don't tell ANYONE unless I tell you you can, ok? please.

just wanted to put it out there, we don't realise just how valuable and golden our parents are. as much as they can get annoying at times and god forbid, you wish they weren't there, it's about time we all open our eyes to the fact that they are humans deserving the most love there could ever be in this world.

my parents have gone beyond their abilities to make sure I have what I want, need, and what they wish for me to have. it's so annoying when they sacrifice their desires, their wants and use those means to fulfill what I want or need. the little things that they do, the things that passed my attention like a breeze, I'm starting to notice them more. I'm starting to appreciate them more, cherish all those little things.

I have grown up and somehow got myself to kinda not declare these kinds of deep emotions. I could be crying in my room for how sweet they are, and yet I won't be able to give them a glimpse of my gratitude. and no, this part of me will not change. I have not expressed," I love you" verbally, and that's why I use letters and pourrrr out every emotion, every sorry and thank you, every I love you on things like their birthday cards etc.

my point is. everyday I see them head out to work and stick themselves into the same depressing routine without any complaints, and I think to myself, oh god, please bless my parents. how do they do this every day, hustling their way with optimism as they show me. I want to do something for them too. I feel guilty that I haven't shown them how much I care for them, love them thriught actions or words. I don't help around much in the house ( they also don't allow me to) , I hardly hug them, or tell them I love them and I appreciate them. and honestly that's a family thing-not expressing these stuffs. so can you give me other solutions that don't involve these cliche "oh just start hugging them cuz you'll regret". firstly, I am aware and that's why I want to change smth, but I can't find the words to express what exactly I want.

anyways, treasure your parents and help out here please!

how do I stop my mind from constantly replaying the same incident, situation, experience or thoughts over and over again. it's like never ending. whether its a good thing or bad thing, it doesn't seem to leave my mind, especially not on the same day of occurrence. and it's getting annoying cuz if there was something I found embarrassing, I would think about it, feel all embarrassed and crappy, somehow manage to forget or chuck it to the back of my head, and then boom it hits me back again with goosebumps and depending on the situation, a rapid heartbeat.

when will my mind be settled and at ease/peace?

I mean it's not only negative thoughts as I've said before, it could be something funny or something that I'm proud of too, like ohh I finally spoke up to so and so. it's just that how can I possibly think about the same thing (with all the details and visuals) like 50 times in one day.

I also don't get over things very fast. If I'm annoyed with someone, shocked about something I found out, it's never a one time thing to think about, experience and forget it to never revisit it, or at least to revisit it briefly after some time.

there's more I want to say but I can't remember lol

help!

I’m starting to feel pretty uncomfortable with how close my girlfriend is getting with this guy I just get the weirdest feeling about and it’s making me feel so damn jealous.

(Names are fake for privacy even though I don't think either one of them is on here) So for context I grew up with this friend named Blake and he got with his now ex named Miranda at the time about a year and a half after we became friends. They were young and had a kid young but it didn't last because of how both of them were with each other, typical story of him not doing enough for both the relationship and as a father (He is a great father now) and her treating him bad because of it to where she got fed up with him and tired of being that person with him and left him. They both moved on almost 15 years ago and can't stand each other but get along for their kid, We all grew up together as a result so I know Miranda pretty well.

It started as a crush after they broke up, I was having a hard time and she was there for me when I needed it but she didn't know I was struggling that badly because I didn't talk about it so it was just genuine concern and help for me and I don't have a lot of that in my life, so it moved me. I'm not the kind of guy who acts on his emotions or goes after friends girls so I avoided her because of it afterwards. She found a few people over the years and I found someone also. I was with my ex-wife for over 10 years and after we broke up I ran across Miranda on a dating website. We both matched with each other but I just assumed it was to be funny since friends do that on dating websites to mess with each other and give each other shit and I never seriously thought she was interested. After we matched though I noticed I got excited and didn't know what to expect which confused me because I didn't know why I was excited and why I would expect anything when we're supposed to be friends and it had been years since that crush had happened and nothing came from it anyway but I realized I still had a crush.

We talked and I didn't make a move or a pass and just warned her what to expect being on these sites from what I've read from other woman on there. Dick pics, asshole guys, matching but not talking etc. it was a casual conversation but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt similar and that's why she matched too but just chalked it up to my brain just wanting that to be true so it would validate my feelings and said nothing. She didn't stay on there much longer and told me later the next day on the app that she was going to get off of the app because it was lame and what I was saying was true.

I kept my feelings to myself but it seems like they keep growing, I keep thinking about her even when I try not too or keep busy to not think anything at all but nothing seems to work and she is on my mind even though we haven't talked for in a long time. Miranda is currently with someone right now and has been for awhile but from what I've heard she's been drinking and depressed and isn't happy with him. Idk if they will last much longer but I'm stuck because I can't really tell her how I feel even if they break up or not.

I don't really think she feels the same and might find it weird especially if she only sees me as a friend, it could ruin things with her and also she's Blake's ex and I have no idea how he would feel about it and don't want to ruin a friendship of almost 20 years over this. I know him and while he would probably be cool to me or cool to me to my face, I know he wouldn't consider me like a brother anymore or close friend anymore either. If for some reason or way I did tell her and the feeling is reciprocated and I do end up ruining a friendship, what if her and I don't end up lasting.?? Then I ruined my friendship for nothing and end up alone with almost no one in both ways.

So this is my blessing and my curse, Im blessed because I see who she is and she's amazing and I'm glad I got to experience it but my curse is I don't think I can ever actually speak on how I feel to her without potentially fucking everything up either with her or Blake or both. I haven't told anyone except 1 person awhile ago but we don't talk anymore, so almost no one knows my real feelings for her. Instead I sit in silence while she gets with yet another guy who treats her like shit that she swears she loves. If I tell her to leave him then I look like I have alternate motives considering my feelings, especially if I did tell her eventually and it's not my relationship to meddle with to begin with when they could end up working it all out.

It's been driving me nuts and I had to say something to someone and get it off my chest, so I figured a place like this would be the best place to at least say something finally, even if it's not who I want to tell.

I think I have an website idea, (or SAAS) and I think it has potential, but I’m not too good of making websites, so my question is that is there a way I can find someone who is willing to do like I partnership, like idk how to explain it. Like they will NOT be getting paid first cause it’s not ur typical employment, like we both could like own the website they design and build it . I give ideas. They could even give ideas. Since we both own it. Like abd then when it actually starts making money we both have the income . So at first we both will be working on the website and we will just see how it grows. I am tryna find this person online

It’s not a love story, but it honestly sounds like the beginning of a romance book. Here it goes, it may be lengthy.

Three months after I started my job, one night a guy walked in. Never seen him before and he walked up smiling at me, all confident. I gave him our rewards card and we were making a lot of eye contact but I tend to do that to a lot of people so I wasn’t really thinking much of it.

He came in again the next day, I picked up the shift last minute or I think a few days before. I can’t really remember but I just know I that I wasn’t originally scheduled. He walked in, holding eye contact with me the whole time then he walked to get a drink and came up to the counter. I greeted him, he said hey back. Started the transaction, noticed he had a crack on his phone in the shape of a bullet. As if someone had shot his screen and I pointed it out then asked how it happened. He told me then started telling me about how he just moved here but I wasn’t hip yet :( Finished and as he was walking away, he turned around and said “bye”.

A week passed and I was clocked out ordering food and I heard a voice, looked up and he was standing at the counter! I looked back at the ordering screen and as he was leaving, I seen him look at me out the corner of his eye.

Two weeks passed, I was on cash register for about 3 days in a row and I got annoyed with dealing with people so midway through my shift I asked a coworker if he wanted to switch stations. I be in kitchen while he’s on register. I’m in the kitchen for about 30 minutes and while I’m making a pizza, I get an order for chicken tenders. Look behind me, no one is standing at the screens. Then as i’m cutting the pizza, I just randomly look up and he’s standing first in line at the cash register. It was a long line because we were busy with people but only had two food orders which was not common at all. So when I noticed him, I will admit that I tried to go up there and “help” with the line to see him up close but another coworker was already there helping. Walked backed to the kitchen and not even a minute later, he’s walking towards the dining area, sits on the table in the middle that looks directly into the kitchen. My heart starts racing and I don’t know why! It’s never like this not even when I am dating guys. I was too shy to say anything to him. As I’m bagging his order, he’s up asking if it’s his before I can even print the label. I nod my head yes and we’re just looking at each other while exchanging the bag. He said “Thank you, bye” starts walking, turns around and says “I appreciate you”.

Another two weeks, It’s a rainy evening and there’s no customers in the store so I go to the back and get containers to restock some things and as i’m heading back, there’s two people in line. An older guy and a guy in a hoodie and beanie. The older guy is asking for help to set up his rewards account so I tell hoodie so can take him at the next register. I ask to scan his rewards and notice the bullet crack so I said “you’re the bullet guy”. and he smiled and said “yeah” but he wasn’t making eye contact anymore so I thought I made him uncomfortable and just finished the transaction in silent. He left.

ANOTHER TWO WEEKS!!!! I picked up a shift I know for sure was last minute because it was more recently. About two hours after clocking in, i’m sweeping an isle and look to my left and there’s a guy just looking at me from over a shelf. We stared at each other for about 5 seconds then I looked down then did a double take because I recognized him and he smiled so big and waved then I smiled back while waving then he walked towards a girl… ummm okay!

I seen him a few times after that but I never interacted with him because I wasn’t on cash register and I thought he had a gf so I never went out of my way to talk to him like I originally planned to on the day he smiled at me.

Then end of January I met a guy I started talking to, him and I only lasted two months, that’s a different story. But a few days after I met him, the guy came into my job. Eye contact on heavy but honestly I didn’t want to look at him because he’s so beautiful and I can’t hide my eyes. He came up the corner all like “Heyyyy,” and smiling and I said hey back and we started the transaction. As I was bagging his items, he started to help me and grabbed the bag. Before leaving said, “Thank you, thank you… I really appreciate you… Have a good night” that was odd from him. The “…” doesn’t do the pauses he did justice, it was more dramatic irl. Did some thinking and I came to the conclusion that he probably wanted to ask me something but changed his mind?? Idk

Three months passed and it’s now April. My job cut my hours a lot mid February and i was working one day a week every other week, it was brutal. For four hours at that! I got hired at a new job and decided to work my last day which was on a random Thursday when I am usually scheduled only on Wednesdays. I get to work, guy is no longer on my mind. I made up my mind that I was probably never going to see him again. My friend was on cash register but she was doing task so I was asked to take over. An hour later, he walks in and the sun is shining right on his face lmao, I know I sound crazy but that’s how dramatic it was! We noticed each other at the same time! Then i noticed that he walked in with a girl but a different girl and not to sound even more crazy but this girl lowkey resembled me. First girl didn’t at all, it’s like his typed changed.

They get their items and as I’m helping a lady in line they get behind her and I swear I can feel his eyes on me but I think everyone is looking at me so I don’t pay it no mind. She leaves, they walk up, placed their items on the counter. He places his drink in the middle of the counter, she places hers on the edge super close to her then folds her arms. When people do that, they’re usually paying separate so that’s what I originally thought. I almost told him his total but decided to ask if he was paying for her and he was so I went to grab the drink then reached for the candy bar the same time he did and our hands touched. First time we ever made contact.

I just, like why on my last day?! It doesn’t make sense! I don’t see him for months then on my last day he comes in and we touch hands now I can’t get this thought out of my mind like it was fate. I was never the one to believe in fate but like this doesn’t make sense. I’ve never had interactions like this, with the same person multiple times ever in my life. I’ve had crushes and i’ve found men attractive but my body never reacted to them the way it does to this stranger! Idek his name and i can hardly remember his face but i still can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t like it. I can’t tell anyone im close to about this because then they’ll think im crazy. I already think im crazy. idk i just had to vent. i have a feeling that we’re going to run into each other again out in the wild but then i feel crazy for thinking that.

i am an autistic, agender sapphic, and i have huge struggles with trust issues and lack of confidence in relationships. for info, im 19, never ever dated in my life, not even kissed, and for the longest time i didn't care about it at all. but recently, I've been craving some sort of intimate affection. i want someone to cuddle, kiss, share kind words and feel safe with...

but i am also extremely scared of relationships. whenever i think of connecting with someone, my mind wanders to the worst. what if my autism,(lv2) is too much for my partner to deal with, and makes her feel like she's with a "grown child"? what if my lack of expressing feelings makes the relationship underwhelming, potentially making her leave or even cheat w someone better, more "normal"? what if, because my gender identity is so confusing, i end up being replaced by someone who's either more manly or more feminine than me?

my trust issues make connecting to people even harder. it's easier for me to start disliking someone than liking, bcs I'm too aware of everything. i wanna be more open, less scared of people, but doing this might make me vulnerable, and the thought of having my vulnerability weaponized against me for whatever reason is TERRIFYING.

so, that's basically it. if anyone else feels like this, or has advice, I'd really love it! i know therapy is the ideal way but the waiting line is really big, so there's little i can do now... anyway, have a wonderful day!

so like 2 days ago my bf didn't contact me for a little over 24hrs. now, i know he had tons of work to do, but he didn't tell me when he's gonna start and be busy so i got worried a bit after not hearing from him for so long, but then he texted the next morning saying he had so much work to the point he cried and got a headache, and still have more work after that :((, the thing is, we didn't even text for like an hour and hes gone doing work again.. btw im not like saying "oh he should've texted me more" no im saying that, that less then an hour text was the only break he got :(( and now he hasn't been texting since yesterday morning.. im just scared he's overworking himself :(( idk what to do.. i also like send him lots of texts throughout the day, but not like texts begging him to text back, i just text stuff like how im thinking about him, and how i love him and how proud i am of him, and that those texts are the only way i can give him support right now :( im scared i sent too many tho.. but like i care abt him.. i don't want him to come back after tons of work to a partner who doesn't or miss him yk?.. idk im scared idk what's gonna happen there's no signs of him..... i don't want to sleep what if i miss a text message from him

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, friends. I’m not acting normal. I feel like I’m about to interact with a girl, and I’m going crazy. I don’t want to come off like this—with all this anxiety. I live alone, dear friends, and I don’t want to give her or her family a bad impression of people who live this way.

If she’s going to be with me—which I don’t even know why I’m saying that, considering we’ve barely spoken—I don’t want her to think of me like that. I believe people who live alone deserve respect, and often, we don’t get it. That’s been my experience—people have taken advantage of me, played games with me, even tried to invade my space. It’s awful. You feel like the whole world is trying to mess with your life. Like everyone wants to change you. It’s deeply uncomfortable, friends.

I don’t want to go to her house and have her or her family try to change me. I don’t want anyone to try to mold my life to fit theirs—to make things easier for them—or treat me like some kind of servant or tool. People have tried that with me before, and it was horrible. I just want a peaceful life. I want a calm existence where I can be who I truly am.

I’m scared to take a risk with this girl. I’m really afraid. So many people have tried to change me before. I don’t want to alter my habits or give up my solitude. I just want to be left in peace. I feel like I’ve suffered too much, and I’m fed up. I also feel like this girl has reached a breaking point too—that she might have once been very rigid with people like me, but now she’s trying to open up because she’s had enough of that way of being.

As for me, I feel like I’m trying to open up to a girl—with everything I have—while also being precise in how I go about it. I don’t want to lose myself or make her lose herself either. I want to get it right. I’m tired of being alone, of not having a partner. I say it honestly and without shame: I need to be accepted as I am. But I don’t want submission—I want mutual support. I don’t want to be a burden to her.

I don’t know. But I get the feeling we’re all going through this. I feel like her family and mine—and both of us—are all slowly adapting to the idea that we’re different, but we want to be together. We feel like we’re on the right path. We want to be accepted, yes—but not at the cost of losing who we are. We want to support each other while staying ourselves. I think everyone deserves that, friends. We all deserve something that lets us be ourselves in peace—something that helps us grow, something that inspires us to develop the parts the other is missing, to complement each other. Maybe I’m rambling, but I think it makes sense.

I believe—and I don’t know why I’m saying this so directly—but I think that in this family (yes, I’m including myself now), we all want peace and calm. To coexist with what’s different from us, and to have that difference also want to coexist with us. No more fighting, no more closed-mindedness. That’s what we want. And honestly, it’s what’s always drawn us to each other. Why keep denying it? Saying it’s “wrong” just makes you feel like you’re the one who’s wrong. I think in that very difference is where we fit. And we just need to learn how to handle this. Expression—venting—is the key that opens the door.

Also, friends, I want a relationship where—please, God—we can be together, grow together, and talk openly with others about that growth. A relationship that lets us develop ideas, share them with confidence and ease. I’m tired—we’re all tired—of being stuck in situations only we can understand. We want something normal, something that helps us move through society, stay connected, feel supported, and not be cut off by the world’s rejection. Maybe we share common experiences, but now is the time to leave them behind. We’ve had enough. I truly think this experience is good for all of us. It’s a breath of fresh air.

I feel like this girl and I want to be together—and that we deserve to be. Look, there was only one time we sat together and couldn’t talk, didn’t know what to say. We felt distant, and it was awful—unbearable. That can’t happen again. We deserve better. We’re ready to be in a space that supports us, stays close, and wants to understand us as we are. We understand our parents’ needs, but we can’t carry them anymore. It’s too much.

We’ve been carrying far too much for far too long. It’s time for a new beginning—with new people who inspire us to be ourselves. To feel welcomed, and supported, both by ourselves and by others. No more fading into someone else. Enough of that. I have to say it: I feel like this girl and I love each other. And I think both our families are finally ready—and willing—to understand that. Why keep fighting about relationships? No more.

We all just want a peaceful life. Let those who need to walk away do so. It’s time to feel safe—and welcomed. Honestly, I think we’re all going through the same thing. I think her family, her mother, my father, and I—we all feel like the world around us isn’t made for us. I believe this new union is meant to happen.

I don’t want to need people. I don’t want to want people. I don’t want to care about people. Like these couple of months (and can even say years) ive have really tried looking for someone , someone really close to like a best friend if someone would say. I feel like that’s what made me really sad like in movies it’s always ‘I will always have that one person’ like bro why can’t it be more idolized that people don’t have anyone, they have themselves ABD are still happy. I’m not tryna be depressed on this whole ‘self-isolation’ thing but it’s really not guaranteed that you’d ever find someone. Like I want to learn about be COMPLETELY happy alone. Like genuinely have tried making friends but NO everyone has their person. This doesn’t help that the shows I grew up with always revolve around friends and ‘best friends’ . And ik all that stuff about ‘humans are social creatures’ shut up .

Just trying to find someone leads me to disappointment and it just hurts tryna find my person. Wish I have the mentality of not needing anyone this week did somehow start like that. But a fight happened in school and I just taught of how nice it would have been to have friends to talk about it. Like so a lot of my plans have actually tried to make me cope with this by tryna find someone that also relates to my situation. But idek

Well I think that’s it?

Hopefully no one’s gonna be like ‘don’t worry you will find your person’ ‘it will be worth the wait when you get them’ ‘it’s hard having no friends’

I've been married for 20 years with no children. Due to medical error, my wife was incapacitated, and I became 24/7 home carer for 9 years. In recent years, we've seen significant improvement in mobility and function, but due to brain damage, my wife will never recover her memories or her personality. Our relationship unsurprisingly is now more like close siblings or housemates, not a spouse and lover. From being best friends, we now find ourselves having different views, preferences, and even desires. Because of Christian faith, we won't get divorced, and so my wife suggested I discretely find what is missing elsewhere.

I'm not looking for random one-time hookups or to be a sugar daddy. But I do crave the emotional connection, flirting, and excitement missing from my life. I just don't know how best to find a woman who seeks the same. I'm looking for my new best friend, initially online, until we know each fully. Then if if it's meant to be, naturally in person with a view to being each others FWB?

2021. Everyone's locked up inside. Online classes and texts the only way i could spend any sort of time with my friends. So our social studies teacher decided to give us some homework. A group project. yuck.

I got assigned to a group of ppl i hadn't ever spoken to. Except for this one guy. He was this kid who'd joined our school in 5th grade and we'd spoken a couple of times. So we were talking about the project and soon drifted off to other things. We started texting each other every other day and things were fine. Then our school decided it was time to get kids back in their classrooms.

So after nearly half a year of texting i finally got to talk to him in person. Every now and then I'd look over to see what he was doing and well um. Turns out he was already looking at me. He tried to cover up for the fact that he was staring (and failed miserably) and somehow, it gave me butterflies .

That went on for a few weeks and he asked me if I liked anyone. And me being the idiot i am decided i was too scared to tell him bc i was so sure he didnt like me back and told him i liked his best friend (kmn). But thankfully he wasn't that stupid <3.

So just like that, we started dating. Just to give you a picture, he was tall, really cute, played basket ball and loved math (such a nerd). Our love language was basically staring at each other from across the classroom, and drawing infinities on our wrists (those meant more to me than hearts).

Our school was very conservative so holding hands under the desk was the craziest thing we could do. We never got to hug let alone kiss but holding his hand made me feel like i was flying. With most Indian parents, the only high school romance you could have was with your text books so we had to keep it a secret from them too.

Fast forward to valentine's day. Typical day except before leaving he told me to check my bag. I got home to find a pack of Hershey's kisses.

We used to lend each other books to read and slip letters between the pages. It was really cute :'>.

We were happy. I was thoroughly in love with this guy. It felt too good to be true.

And suddenly something broke. He became cold and distant. We didn't speak as much as we used to. I was worried sick and i didn't know how to help. When we finally sat down to have a talk he said it was family stuff that he couldn't talk to me about just yet, and i felt really guilty for not being understanding about his silence. But it had hurt a lot...

Few weeks later. It's sports day at school. He's talking to who i thought was my best friend ( more on that another time). He said he needed to talk so we went to a corner and he was nearly in tears. He started apologizing frantically. I assumed he was apologizing for not talking to me for so long...but it was something much worse.

He said he needed to breakup with me. NEEDED to.

In that moment, everything inside me went numb. I tried to say something but i choked on my own words. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry but there were too many people around. So i walked away.

I swore i wouldn't let myself cry there because i knew if i started i wouldn't stop. So i smiled and smiled and smiled. But I couldn't just leave like that now, could I?

It took everything in me to go back to him on the stairs. He asked me sit. So i asked him why he needed to break up with me and he said he wasn't able to focus on his studies. I was so naive I took his word for it. Only to find out 3 whole years later that the real reason was that it was too much for him. I'd been overwhelming this guy and hadn't even realized. I still don't know what I'd done to make him feel so pressurized....

Even after the break up I did the stupidest things. I hit a rebound with his friend and lied about it. He found out and of course he couldn't forgive me, I carried that guilt around for a year and a half only to realize that it didn't matter anymore. He was happy now. What more could i ask for? (sorry for making it so cheese but it is what it is...<3)