Health and Wellness Failures Stories

How do you get if someone is fat? today's standards are shit and that much I know but I just cannot get how to get if I'm fat.

I struggle with seeing myself as fat, I know I'm probably not, my BMI says I'm not but I still see myself as that and I don't know how to fix this.

unfortunately because of this I feel self conscious wearing some clothes and I get really insecure when I see girls that are skinnier than me. literally if I wont weigh myself every day I'd get anxious and a couple of times to the point of a slight panic attack.

I know it's not healthy at 15 but I just don't know how to deal with it, because this just makes me feel guilty every time I eat, no matter if the food is healthy or not.

(so I was imagining a scenario in which I accidentally-on purpose overdose on my new antidepressants)

Me: *walking into school, feeling not good at ALL*

Barley: "Inari! ... are you ok?"

Me: *collapses, ded*

everyone: *freaking the fuck out*

and then Clive went, "let me show you how it would really happen."

Me: *walking into school, feeling not good at ALL*

Barley: "Inari! ... you good?"

Me: *collapses, ded*

Barley: *shrugs, indifferent*

Everyone else: *just like, well that happened, oh well"

(another scenario, in which someone shoots me in the head at school)

me and barley: *walking down the hall, minding our own damn business*

*then gunshots and i'm dead*

Barley: *FREAKING out*

(the school gets put on lockdown and ppl are screaming)

and then Clive went, "let me show you how it would really happen."

me and barley: *walking down the hall, minding our own damn business*

*then gunshots and i'm dead*

Barley: *shrugs and keeps walking*

(the school gets put on lockdown and ppl just keep minding their own business bc I was the only victim and nobody knows who I am)

Alexithyma

noun

the inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions.

I’m 13, a girl, and stuck in 8th grade with the person who assaulted me. I don’t want to live. If I don’t get help I’m killing myself.

So I hv this girl I’m currently best friends with I’m just gonna say her name bc like 1,000 girls hv it. So I’ve been best friends with Sofia only recently we acc only became friends

Friends because we had mutual ones but anyways in around middle school I started getting really sensitive about things and for a while I thought I was bi and like I’m not right now, but she would say I was like mentally insane because of it and I had about three other friends in that friend group they were all friends from elementary school and they honestly never really listened to me like maybe I didn’t talk enough or like didn’t try hard enough to be included but like I feel like I did like that’s what they say that I didn’t try hard enough to be included and that it was a really long time ago. There was like a lot of little things that she did like I remember there’s this homophobic guy that went to another school and she says that she didn’t but I feel like she gave him my phone number and then he texted me saying about how like people act like insert school knew I was dating a girl and they don’t support my white @ss and then swore at me and it didn’t actually bother me, but it was the fact that she like did this and before she gave him my number she was talking to him about like hey do you know that (my name) is dating a girl and I literally wasn’t. She was actually just making stuff up… well I guess maybe she wasn’t because like I had this joke that there’s this girl that was my wife, but it was actually a joke like I literally told her it was like a platonic wife and also we were in middle school like I was not dating anyone… and so she was talking bad behind my back about me with this homophobic guy and saying how weird and unnatural it was and so one of my other friends, L she sent me pictures of the Gmail’s that Sofia sent to that guy and so having like solid evidence, I confronted her about it but around that time I was getting made fun of for being too sensitive about stuff so I tried to make it like a joke like Sofia I just heard that you were talking behind my back with this guy what but like I made it sound like a joke and she just like laughed like straight up laughed like I mean I guess I was doing as a joke but and like denied it, but like what I literally saw the Gmails…. And there was like a lot of other things that she did like she made fun of some of my other friends constantly she basically called me ugly a bunch of times, but those might’ve been jokes to be honest. So obviously all of this like really hurt my feelings like honestly the only reason I actually think I thought I was bi was because my friendship with them was so bad that I thought having actual friends was like liking someone and so because of that I became like severely depressed. It started off as me just wanting to run away, and I was actually making plans to run away like I was. I had this whole thing planned like I was gonna like run away into the woods and I had this like drinking straw you can get water from rivers and it’ll be clean, but after that once I didn’t do that and nothing got better. I started considering killing myself and it was so bad like every single day that was all that I could think about like constantly ringing in my head I just wanna die. I just wanna die. I just wanna die and I would cry myself to sleep every single night I’d call all the suicide hotline people. They never helped. I’m terrified of pain, but I actually managed to cut myself a little and I know this doesn’t count as like self harm, but even now I still sometimes like pinch myself really hard or scratch myself and like in sort of like a weird way I’m proud of it cause like I don’t know it makes me feel less weak, like I hurt myself That makes me feel less weak. One time I did kind of like a pathetic suicide attempt I tried to suffocate myself with a pillow obviously it didn’t work. And so like all of what she said and with my other friends, but that’s another story like really messed me up in the head and right now I’m in counseling and I’m actually gonna be getting like antidepressants and I still can’t tell if it’s all in my head or not like she didn’t mean it like she actually did not mean it or maybe she did I mean she meant everything she said, but she just didn’t mean it to hurt me because like she doesn’t think before she speaks, but I’m honestly so tired of like Excusing her for what she did like. She’s apologized and stuff, but it doesn’t help. It does not take away the three years that’s still going on that I’m depressed and sad and wanting to kill myself. I just can’t blame her for it because she always has an excuse and it makes me feel crazy whenever I like talk to her about it so that was all like the past stuff there’s a lot happening right now, but I don’t think it will allow me to have this many words so thanks for reading all of this I hope you have a good day

I have been constantly in a bad mental state, started recording my emotions down every now and then to keep a record and most of them were very low and I often recorded being depressed and uncomfortable around my family and people in general. I am seriously struggling with my life and thought about ending it a few times. I started mild SH to not get caught by my parents. I told my mom that I needed help but I was ignored. Due to my family being extremely religious they thought that my struggle was because I wasn’t close enough to god or something. They won’t let me get therapy and I’ve reached a point where I can no longer talk to anyone and all I do is pretend I’m okay because I know I’ll never receive help. I honestly don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

nothing helps it doesn't matter how much I talk about it how much I journel how much I distract myself how much I treat myself how much rest I give myself how healthy i eat how much water i drink how much exercise I get how much I surround myself with people I love or how many times I call the hotlines. everyone gives the same advice "take small steps" "healing takes time" "just take a quick break or try a breathing exercise when it feels like too much" a breathing break isn't gonna help me maybe it wouldve three years ago but idk what I have but its not just what's happening around me its something fudemently wrong with me. no matter how good I have it I'll find I way to ruin it or make myself feel bad. it takes so much effort just to make myself function semi properly, to just exist. i cant tell what's wrong with me and at the same time I know. maybe its too many things and I'm just not sure which one, or maybe its none of them. I mean this cant be because of what's happening around me bc only one baddish thing has ever happened and it was basically my fault anyways. I just cant accept the fact people might acc like me and I know everything I'm scared of and hate about myself and do is irrational but it doesnt matter. this isn't somthing I can fix and its harder and harder every day to deal with it. I'm realizing I should've gotten help a long time ago, because now when people tell me to deal with it maybe I used to be Able to but I just cant anymore. every day I'm waiting and waiting every day even good days I'm dealing with it. I cant tell what I'm missing and if my problems are serious or not but if I don't get help that actually helps soon I'm just gonna end it. I'm tired of waiting for something that isn't coming. its never coming.

(I didn't know what category to put this under initially, so apologies in advance if this doesn't exactly fit.)

Heya. I'm Spike (or at least this anonymous persona is lol) and I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like these feelings and behaviors are exactly the same as last year, but I swear I changed since then! I thought I had moved on with things, that I had figured it out on my own and was doing a-okay... Right?

Well, apparently not! I can't work consistently and I don't know why! Sure, I do various assignments throughout the day, and I get stuff done, but it's never enough... And I try to be organized and make plans for things, but it all ends up unraveling.

The reason for the title up there is tied to this thought I had a bit ago, which is: what if I want to go to therapy? What if, by some random chance, Spike wants to have a blank slate, a complete stranger, to just talk about all of Spike's problems. Is that so bad? In theory, no, it isn't. But because of that darned thing called capitalism that makes the world go round, I can't afford it. And I know my parents can't afford it because I'm too money conscious. Go figure.

So that's just great. Hooray for Spike for ending up back on square one. Yippee...

And another thing, cuz I'm just ranting now, why does the whole therapy thing have to be so complicated to begin with? I mean, you've gotta find a person that you can pay for, they have to have some sort of baseline that you and them can stand on but that's hard enough to find in this crazy world, and on top of it all there are those therapists that while qualified, don't belong in that sort of job, which is just a mess to deal with. And I haven't even been to therapy yet, so I don't know the half of it.

You see how messed up Spike is and their problems are? What's a Spike gotta do to get help here?

Uh hi, hoping this will send? I'm Robbie (dw it's a nickname) and go by he/him.

I just realised I don’t trust my therapist anymore, if I ever did.

My parents sent me to therapy for my self destructive coping mechanisms June last year, and even then we never even adressed my coping mechanisms. She (my therapist) once asked awkwardly if I was still doing those, and I wasn’t at the time, so I said so, and now I never mention relapses.

I’m afraid to tell her I’m depressed again since I only got out years of depression this April (cause I got myself outta an ensmeshed traumatising friendship) so it’s bad for me to be depressed again, to still have bad thoughts,

I’m afraid my therapist will judge me, more than she does already when for example i mention I’m a positive nihilist,

and I mean therapy was useful until April cause I always vented about that “friendship” and that helped but it doesn’t help anymore when my therapist brings up H. (the past friend) these days, feels like im being retraumatised when I hear their name.

Guess I should be thankful I even got a trans accepting therapist in the first place, I mean it was my therapist who convinced my parents to accept me as trans after all these years of them not accepting it. Ugh idk.

These days each session my therapist asks me how I feel, I say “fine if a bit stressed” she asks how I’m feeling about H., I move on swiftly and move onto the subject of what school drama I’ve been involved in recently makes me angry, give that I’m finally able to feel anger as a emotion for the first time in my life nowadays.

And look, I lie a lot, and my therapist doesn’t realise, I’m sure she realises some of it, but not all, not when it matters, and yes i suppose i should stop lying but I fear her judgement so much.

So yeah, these days I feel like I'm back 3 years, meaning that I'm navigating my mental issues all on my own, and luckily I'm doing so in much healthier ways than i did three years back, But still, it's lonely, and it feels unfair to me that i have a therapist, one that Ive had a year and a half and yet I dont feel able to address actual issues with her anymore. I feel i havent been able to address any actual issues with her ever since I cut ties with H. I mean, Maybe i was never really talking about myself, I was always talking about H. back then, H. was my life, and I suppose I never learnt to actually talk about my issues after H.

And now every session therapy feels like a waste of time, as I'm lying half the time, and otherwise talking about mundane stuff that i just bitch to my friends about anyways. And my therapists office is so far, it takes about 3 hours from my day each time i have a session even when the sessions are only 1 hour. And I've got such paranoia and fear about wasting time because of some of that trauma involving having been enmeshed with H.

I don't know what im doing but im skipping school in th bathroom and i dont know what to do bc i just want to end it all but nothings helpingand i keep waiting and wairing for things to get better and they never do and im tired of it

so I woke up this morning and started at the ceiling and was like why? why do I try? why do I live? What's the point of doing anything if it doesn't matter in the end?

so um... for a while I went through this phase where I would take those mental health quizzes for like hours and like google stuff about it for hours(the reason why is for another rant) but I remember I felt like I wasn't sure if I was exageratting or underexagerating my answers, and then I got to this quiz about BPD (borderline personality disorder) and it all sorta fit? if you don't know what it is you can Google btw I never heard of it before my obsessive researching😭.specifically "silent Bpd". ik online quizzes and stuff like that isn't a good idea and not a good diagnosis, and its also pretty rare so I may be don't but it just fits so perfectly. like I'm gonna copy paste some symptoms from Google just bc why not ig? Key characteristics include emotional suppression, self-harm or suicidal ideation, self-blame, and a sense of emptiness, sabotaging friendships, fear of abandonment, and unstable self image, all of which are hidden from others. I'm not suicidal today, but 11 days ago I was LITTERALLY planning my death... when I was severely depressed(lasted for maybe two years was suicdal that time too only two suffocation attemps) I did like tiny sh?? I don't wanna sound like dramattic or overexageratting because I never made myself bleed, but I would push my nails deep into my skin till it broke a little and I would scratch myself as well, and in like a twisted way I was proud of myself for it bc I am super scared and avoidant of pain with a low pain tolrance. the main cause of my big depressive stage was me repressing my emotions and feelings while I was in a super toxic relationship with my friends(I wrote another vent about that either "Self Sabatoge" or "My friend has the emotional intelligence of a thermostat") and that was rlly bad bc the feelings had to come out one time or another and bc I held them in so long I'm still dealing with leftover emotions from that time which makes it super hard to move on. I constantly feel like my friends are better then me and get scared that they don't like me or think im annoying or dont acc care Abt me which acc makes my relationships worse, because I've gotten super defensive about being too nice to people bc last time I was taken advantage of, so instead of acting insecure around my friends I withdraw myself and say I dont care or stuff doesn't bother me (bc I also got made fun of for being sensitive and it just made me more sensative). I acc wonder if I'm still suppressing feelings, just less of them bc I keep like getting upset at my friends for things that shouldn't rlly make me upset? I acc wonder if its not them being insensitive like I thought in "my friend has social intelligence of thermostat" and I just don't think I deserve them or I should just stop bothering them. I am 100% sure tho that I have self image problems.. I don't think its normal to have how I think I look affect my entire mindset or mood for the day, and have how I think I look vary so much. one day I'm confident with no makeup the next a full face and I still look like a rat trying to catfish. I sometimes tell myself I'm ugly and imagin myself super ugly to keep my hopes down so when I next look in the mirror I'm not as ugly as I thought I was. I wish I could just think I was pretty and stay thinking I was pretty instead of thinking I'm pretty and then seeing how ugly I am. I'm not hiding my emotions as much as I used to bc I got tired of babying everyone and pretending it was ok for them to do whatever they wanted and not think before there spoke, but anyways, do you think I do?? maybe I need an outside eye to say weather or not I do.. I honestly don't even know what I want for this, but if it's good to get each part of what's stuck inside me out, and this is something I have been wondering for a while. anyways, thanks for getting this far! could you maybe tell me what you think Abt this?

Basically, when I was 13-17, I did alot of terrible things online such as essentially repeatedly bullying others in an attempt of "trolling", making terrible jokes against groups of people (even if most were in private places where everyone knew it was a joke) and also mentioning NSFW topics or making NSFW jokes in groups with some younger people in it, even if again, everyone there knew it was either a joke or not directed at them, and they weren't uncomfortable with it or anything. When I was 17, I kept feeling worse and worse about myself and eventually tried killing myself. I failed with that and only ended up in the hospital. Now I'm 18, I fully apologized for everything, got therapy, and even got along with some of the people I used to bully back then and even managed to do some small things to make up for what I did for a few. However, I still feel terrible that people will keep beating on me for my past and that I won't be accepted in alot of places or communities for it and it makes me wish I died so I wouldn't have to deal with my life anymore as I have a feeling I messed up my life and will eternally have my past mistakes sticking on me. This got especially bad when I read about some other people, mostly youtubers, who did what I also think was obvious jokes during an edgy phase they had and later even got therapy and fully apologized for all of it, but people still made fun of their past and it makes me afraid that the same would happen to me if I would manage to build up my popularity more. Joining one of these groups of people on youtube that make videos and stuff together was always one of my biggest dreams and now I feel like I permanently messed it up because of what I did when I was 13-17 with how unforgiving the majority of the internet is about past mistakes, even after you got help.

TW : Talk of Overdosing, Self Harm, SA, and Family Violance.

so im 14 and my live with my aunt, ive been struggling with my mental health since I was five and since then ive been told to kms by my older sister and people around school starting all the way back at primary school, when I was around 6 or 7 I had hurt myself for the very first time and some people say thats impossible for a 6 year old to know what that is or how to do anything to hurt myself purposly but if you grew up in my house you would understand. I grew up with a lot of family violence from my step dad and my mum, and my dad was out of the picture since I was 3 and obviously as a 3 year old I thought it was my fault and my mum had told me it was my fault. then when I was maybe 7 or 8 my mum met her best friend at the times boyfriend and he started SAing me and I thought rhat was normal but it got too much so at the age of 9 I made the decision that no 9 year old should ever make, I made the decision to try take my life repeatedly since this first time. picking up SH habits of cutting, but the only reason I am sharing this is because no one seems to be listening to how I feel, to this day I am still struggling with my mental health and my aunty or mum or dad do not gaf and I need someone that would listen.

so I've had like problems feeling happy or normal and stuff for like 3 years now, and I think I've finally figured out the root of why I feel like I cant let myself feel happy for too long. I have literally no problems, my parents are the sweetest people in the world, I'm avarge enough looking I shouldn't feel as self conscious as I do, and I have a fair amount of friends and I would definitely have more if I wasnt constantly too tired because just existing without feeling sad is exhausting. I put in probbaly about 80% of my energy just to make myself feel normal daily. my friends ALWAYS feel the need to stop by the bathroom between every clas period so every time i have to see myself compared to them and then hear them say "omg im so ugly" or "my hairs so flat today" and like i know they are allowed to like be self concious too or like just comment stuff about themselves but its so tiering. i cant walk properly in the hallways because i feel too tense and overthink how to walk wayy too much. i like compulsivly run my hands through my hair, espcially when im nervous, and ik it probably looks weird bc i do it so much but it stopped being about fixing my hair and now its like somthing i need to do otherwise i will get too tense or smthn it just feels horribly uncomfertable if i dont do it when i need to. so anyways I've noticed that whenever I wake up I'm in a certain mood and that will be my mood for the day almost no matter what. like it could be a pretty good day but if I wake up in a bad mood it might be ruined. like, its not even what other people do or what happening in my life, I have NO REASON to be sad enough to want to kill myself. now right now I don't want to but what's kinda weird is two days ago I was literally planning it, like my mood changes so fast. I have trouble planning things because I never know what mood I will be in, and so it ruins my productivity and I literally have to like wait for a feel good day because i litterally cannot concentrate on anything. i skip meals alot too, but never because i think im fat i know i dont have like anorexia or somthing like that but even if im like REALLY hungry and i have food that would not be that bad if i have to like get up to get it or ask for somthing, ill just choose to starve. like and other times ill have food and i just wont want to eat it. i feel like if i acc want to eat a decent meal i need to enjoy the food, and if im just eating because im hungry i wont eat. the problem is i just end up fasting till the end of the schoolday after eating nothing at all. like i will acc go an entire day with no food, and just eat dinner when i get home. idk if im just lazy or picky or somthing but my friends kinda commented on it and i was wondering if i should be like, worried about it? because i know running off of no food all day cant be good for you, but i feel like i have to like force myself to eat somtimes. i honestly kinda enjoy the feeling of being hungry at this point? like idk what that means but like i would prefer that to being full. another thing is i feel like even when i eat like a ton of food i never get full? like i feel hungrier after somtimes. i think that might be why i prefer to starve instead of eat and feel hungrier too ig. besides food, i will straight up ignor homeowork i know im gonna get in serious trouble for not doing, and that honestly seems kinda normal but i feel like alot of times i will just choose to suffer even if its a super easy fix to make myself feel better. so ive been wondering if maybe the reason i dont get better is because its not anything around me i need to fix, its because im constantly sabatoging myself. i was curious what you guys would think, becuase i honestly dont know where to go from here. im not like sad right now but my life is very reppetative and i know there are so many things i could do to make it better but i just dont. i really hope im not just lazy but if you think i am please give advice idk whats going on😭. so anyways thanks for reading this huge rant