Health and Wellness Failures Stories

I don't know what im doing but im skipping school in th bathroom and i dont know what to do bc i just want to end it all but nothings helpingand i keep waiting and wairing for things to get better and they never do and im tired of it

so I woke up this morning and started at the ceiling and was like why? why do I try? why do I live? What's the point of doing anything if it doesn't matter in the end?

so um... for a while I went through this phase where I would take those mental health quizzes for like hours and like google stuff about it for hours(the reason why is for another rant) but I remember I felt like I wasn't sure if I was exageratting or underexagerating my answers, and then I got to this quiz about BPD (borderline personality disorder) and it all sorta fit? if you don't know what it is you can Google btw I never heard of it before my obsessive researching😭.specifically "silent Bpd". ik online quizzes and stuff like that isn't a good idea and not a good diagnosis, and its also pretty rare so I may be don't but it just fits so perfectly. like I'm gonna copy paste some symptoms from Google just bc why not ig? Key characteristics include emotional suppression, self-harm or suicidal ideation, self-blame, and a sense of emptiness, sabotaging friendships, fear of abandonment, and unstable self image, all of which are hidden from others. I'm not suicidal today, but 11 days ago I was LITTERALLY planning my death... when I was severely depressed(lasted for maybe two years was suicdal that time too only two suffocation attemps) I did like tiny sh?? I don't wanna sound like dramattic or overexageratting because I never made myself bleed, but I would push my nails deep into my skin till it broke a little and I would scratch myself as well, and in like a twisted way I was proud of myself for it bc I am super scared and avoidant of pain with a low pain tolrance. the main cause of my big depressive stage was me repressing my emotions and feelings while I was in a super toxic relationship with my friends(I wrote another vent about that either "Self Sabatoge" or "My friend has the emotional intelligence of a thermostat") and that was rlly bad bc the feelings had to come out one time or another and bc I held them in so long I'm still dealing with leftover emotions from that time which makes it super hard to move on. I constantly feel like my friends are better then me and get scared that they don't like me or think im annoying or dont acc care Abt me which acc makes my relationships worse, because I've gotten super defensive about being too nice to people bc last time I was taken advantage of, so instead of acting insecure around my friends I withdraw myself and say I dont care or stuff doesn't bother me (bc I also got made fun of for being sensitive and it just made me more sensative). I acc wonder if I'm still suppressing feelings, just less of them bc I keep like getting upset at my friends for things that shouldn't rlly make me upset? I acc wonder if its not them being insensitive like I thought in "my friend has social intelligence of thermostat" and I just don't think I deserve them or I should just stop bothering them. I am 100% sure tho that I have self image problems.. I don't think its normal to have how I think I look affect my entire mindset or mood for the day, and have how I think I look vary so much. one day I'm confident with no makeup the next a full face and I still look like a rat trying to catfish. I sometimes tell myself I'm ugly and imagin myself super ugly to keep my hopes down so when I next look in the mirror I'm not as ugly as I thought I was. I wish I could just think I was pretty and stay thinking I was pretty instead of thinking I'm pretty and then seeing how ugly I am. I'm not hiding my emotions as much as I used to bc I got tired of babying everyone and pretending it was ok for them to do whatever they wanted and not think before there spoke, but anyways, do you think I do?? maybe I need an outside eye to say weather or not I do.. I honestly don't even know what I want for this, but if it's good to get each part of what's stuck inside me out, and this is something I have been wondering for a while. anyways, thanks for getting this far! could you maybe tell me what you think Abt this?

Basically, when I was 13-17, I did alot of terrible things online such as essentially repeatedly bullying others in an attempt of "trolling", making terrible jokes against groups of people (even if most were in private places where everyone knew it was a joke) and also mentioning NSFW topics or making NSFW jokes in groups with some younger people in it, even if again, everyone there knew it was either a joke or not directed at them, and they weren't uncomfortable with it or anything. When I was 17, I kept feeling worse and worse about myself and eventually tried killing myself. I failed with that and only ended up in the hospital. Now I'm 18, I fully apologized for everything, got therapy, and even got along with some of the people I used to bully back then and even managed to do some small things to make up for what I did for a few. However, I still feel terrible that people will keep beating on me for my past and that I won't be accepted in alot of places or communities for it and it makes me wish I died so I wouldn't have to deal with my life anymore as I have a feeling I messed up my life and will eternally have my past mistakes sticking on me. This got especially bad when I read about some other people, mostly youtubers, who did what I also think was obvious jokes during an edgy phase they had and later even got therapy and fully apologized for all of it, but people still made fun of their past and it makes me afraid that the same would happen to me if I would manage to build up my popularity more. Joining one of these groups of people on youtube that make videos and stuff together was always one of my biggest dreams and now I feel like I permanently messed it up because of what I did when I was 13-17 with how unforgiving the majority of the internet is about past mistakes, even after you got help.

TW : Talk of Overdosing, Self Harm, SA, and Family Violance.

so im 14 and my live with my aunt, ive been struggling with my mental health since I was five and since then ive been told to kms by my older sister and people around school starting all the way back at primary school, when I was around 6 or 7 I had hurt myself for the very first time and some people say thats impossible for a 6 year old to know what that is or how to do anything to hurt myself purposly but if you grew up in my house you would understand. I grew up with a lot of family violence from my step dad and my mum, and my dad was out of the picture since I was 3 and obviously as a 3 year old I thought it was my fault and my mum had told me it was my fault. then when I was maybe 7 or 8 my mum met her best friend at the times boyfriend and he started SAing me and I thought rhat was normal but it got too much so at the age of 9 I made the decision that no 9 year old should ever make, I made the decision to try take my life repeatedly since this first time. picking up SH habits of cutting, but the only reason I am sharing this is because no one seems to be listening to how I feel, to this day I am still struggling with my mental health and my aunty or mum or dad do not gaf and I need someone that would listen.

so I've had like problems feeling happy or normal and stuff for like 3 years now, and I think I've finally figured out the root of why I feel like I cant let myself feel happy for too long. I have literally no problems, my parents are the sweetest people in the world, I'm avarge enough looking I shouldn't feel as self conscious as I do, and I have a fair amount of friends and I would definitely have more if I wasnt constantly too tired because just existing without feeling sad is exhausting. I put in probbaly about 80% of my energy just to make myself feel normal daily. my friends ALWAYS feel the need to stop by the bathroom between every clas period so every time i have to see myself compared to them and then hear them say "omg im so ugly" or "my hairs so flat today" and like i know they are allowed to like be self concious too or like just comment stuff about themselves but its so tiering. i cant walk properly in the hallways because i feel too tense and overthink how to walk wayy too much. i like compulsivly run my hands through my hair, espcially when im nervous, and ik it probably looks weird bc i do it so much but it stopped being about fixing my hair and now its like somthing i need to do otherwise i will get too tense or smthn it just feels horribly uncomfertable if i dont do it when i need to. so anyways I've noticed that whenever I wake up I'm in a certain mood and that will be my mood for the day almost no matter what. like it could be a pretty good day but if I wake up in a bad mood it might be ruined. like, its not even what other people do or what happening in my life, I have NO REASON to be sad enough to want to kill myself. now right now I don't want to but what's kinda weird is two days ago I was literally planning it, like my mood changes so fast. I have trouble planning things because I never know what mood I will be in, and so it ruins my productivity and I literally have to like wait for a feel good day because i litterally cannot concentrate on anything. i skip meals alot too, but never because i think im fat i know i dont have like anorexia or somthing like that but even if im like REALLY hungry and i have food that would not be that bad if i have to like get up to get it or ask for somthing, ill just choose to starve. like and other times ill have food and i just wont want to eat it. i feel like if i acc want to eat a decent meal i need to enjoy the food, and if im just eating because im hungry i wont eat. the problem is i just end up fasting till the end of the schoolday after eating nothing at all. like i will acc go an entire day with no food, and just eat dinner when i get home. idk if im just lazy or picky or somthing but my friends kinda commented on it and i was wondering if i should be like, worried about it? because i know running off of no food all day cant be good for you, but i feel like i have to like force myself to eat somtimes. i honestly kinda enjoy the feeling of being hungry at this point? like idk what that means but like i would prefer that to being full. another thing is i feel like even when i eat like a ton of food i never get full? like i feel hungrier after somtimes. i think that might be why i prefer to starve instead of eat and feel hungrier too ig. besides food, i will straight up ignor homeowork i know im gonna get in serious trouble for not doing, and that honestly seems kinda normal but i feel like alot of times i will just choose to suffer even if its a super easy fix to make myself feel better. so ive been wondering if maybe the reason i dont get better is because its not anything around me i need to fix, its because im constantly sabatoging myself. i was curious what you guys would think, becuase i honestly dont know where to go from here. im not like sad right now but my life is very reppetative and i know there are so many things i could do to make it better but i just dont. i really hope im not just lazy but if you think i am please give advice idk whats going on😭. so anyways thanks for reading this huge rant

I really wish I wasn’t sick. That people didn’t look at me as if I was a lost cause. That people didn’t have to worry about upsetting me, or think that I do things because I feel like I have to. I wish people didn’t walk on eggshells around me or feel the need to ask me a bunch of questions about my feelings. I wish people could realize that sometimes I do nice things because I want to, not out of obligation. I wish I didn’t hate silence around everyone but one person. But alas, I’m stuck with a brain that halfway works and the emotional range of a football field.

I’m pathetic. I’m 26 and I’m so attached to my mum. She is the only person in the world who truely understands me and who I can talk to about anything. She didn’t ask to have a daughter who’s so broken that she can’t do anything independently. I’m such a burden on her. I wish I had someone else to talk to so she doesn’t have to be burdened by it all. It’s not fair on her. I know she loves me but it’s not her job to fix her broken full grown daughter. Honestly I wish I could keep it all inside so I don’t bother anyone but it’s too much. I’ve wasted my life being depressed and now I’m too far gone. I’m so alone. I’ve dug myself into a hole that I can’t get out of.

I'm almost 30. I swear I tried my absolute hardest to make a life for myself I wouldn't regret. I remember even from middle school age want to not-regret anything. I tried to make meaningful connections, do well in school, and be true to my desires.

I wanted a career I could be proud of, friendships and family I could count on, and most of all to fall in love.

I worked and worked and worked. I got into dental school and worked even harder. I hope you can understand how hard this was for me. I'm not naturally gifted. But I got through and graduated. I have at least a job now. I know that's good. But it's absolutely not enough. I thought if I fought my hardest I could make a life I love. But all I have is an empty life I hate.

My family cannot understand how I'm unmarried at this age. They are traditional and I have Indian heritage for context. My younger brother recently got married. After this my single status was very difficult for them to accept. I think now, they view me as unmarriable.

I have significant debt due to the cost of my education. I have full confidence I can pay it off within 4 years. But it is a constant source of stress for me.

I became very depressed during my education. And I have been diagnosed with major depression for 8 years. I did not take this lying down. I went to therapists. I'm seeing a therapist now. I've tried many medications. I've tried acupuncture, spiritual healing, and exercise/diet changes. But I couldn't shake it.

I have one good friend. But to be very honest with you they are someone who asks me for money consistently. I feel pathetic saying it, but it's the truth.

I think there is no escaping this terrible life. There is no chance for me to live happily now.

I know many many people are suffering in the same way I am. And my heart aches for them.

I want to know. Is there anyone who has been this low and found a good life after this? In my opinion, I am terminally ill and I fear there is no hope for me. I would appreciate any advice or perspectives.

I hate commiting to people, they're unpredictable and it takes to much effort to stay friends or whatever else a relationship may want to tilte itself as. At times my mental health is just doing bad, or I just realized how bad they actually are. Other times I feel like they don't need me, or don't actually like me. So I leave. People always make me so tired, no matter how hard I try I end up leaving them idk why... and I may be a horrible person but at least I'm starting to realize that people arent for me. I don't need them. Theres a hole that no one can ever seem to fill.

https://emontal.com/vent-chat

that's where I post the most

I posted this for you (you know who you are)

you can try to stalk me there if you want

Summer started great. Needed some extra money so started two new jobs on top of my regular. Was great for the summer since i dont have money to go anywhere. But then it all went downhill when summer ended as did my contract with the extra jobs. Summer job nr. 1 boss says she doesnt have money so cant pay for (the remaining half of) my work so she owes me money. ((Paycheck due 1 month ago)). Right in the middle of this shitshow of back and forth messaging trying to get through to her i get sick. The flu. A MONTH LONG FLU. Coughing like crazy.. and im still working two jobs because i have to earn money and the doctor wont let me take sick leave because of a flu for a month. I WORK AT A CATERING BUSINESS. I went to three weddings with the worst flu and Im just sooo tired. Sick tired and broke. Because of all the stress, I now am overthinking everything and im slowly going insane.. i cant be the only one right?

Is it normal for me to feel hatred towards people who haven't done anything, like I've noticed that I'm genuinely starting to dislike one of my closet friends, but the thing is, is that they haven't done anything wrong. they've been nothing but supportive towards me and the things I've been going through but not matter what I still can't shake the feeling that I don't feel the same way I used to towards them. I would stop being friends with them for this certain reason but I don't want to loose them as well, we've been through so much together, I wouldn't be able to forget about them, but I also don't understand why I feel the way I do...

I’ve been struggling with functional depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I stopped taking most of my medications on my own for months because I started to hate them. They made me gain a lot of weight — the doctor even told me it was just an increased appetite and wouldn’t actually make me fat, but my weight went up a lot and hasn’t dropped even after stopping the meds.

Now it’s really heavy on me mentally. I don’t even want to look at the pills anymore. After stopping, I can’t control my mind from going to negative thoughts. Right now, I’m only taking the medication for my newly diagnosed bipolar disorder.

How should handle this? How do people usually cope with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder in a healthier way?

I feel that many people disrespect one's solitude. In fact, they see the messages one writes about it and attack it, making it seem like a shock. Indeed, loneliness isn't one's entire world; however, when faced with difficult experiences, I think it's advisable to spend time alone to reflect on it.

Many people tend to exaggerate about loneliness. They make it seem like it's everything in life. I'd like to express to many people that the world isn't just your friends, but your very life as well. It's about having a balance.

I was recently writing a story on a writers' website, and they started judging me, not the story. I feel like people sometimes get carried away when one talks about the subject; they try to find fault with the other, the origin of why I wrote this way or why I said that. They try to personalize everything. On a writers' website or in a group about it, what matters is just getting into what's at stake, not going beyond it.

Loneliness is a beautiful topic to explore given that it's not often talked about. I feel it's helpful for reaching boundaries. I used to be someone who spent time in groups and always sought to be part of one, but I reached a point where I noticed things weren't proceeding naturally. Also, when I somehow looked beyond or let myself get carried away, I always ran into trouble. I feel that loneliness is a precise time to see what I was getting involved in. I think it will give me the perspective to see where I truly belong. It's not about having a place because others make room for you; that speaks to the fact that sooner or later that will fall apart.

I still don't understand, and that's why the character's comment affects me so much, because it is so questionable. No one knows what loneliness entails at first. It's all a fear of sensations, and no one seeks tools to deal with them. If you're lonely for some reason and you don't see any other way out, in order to guarantee your integrity, I personally believe that we need to find ways to do something with what we feel, not wallow in it, or see what we're experiencing as hell. I feel that wouldn't be fair to us.

People prevent us from delving deeper into loneliness. They always want to get away from it at all costs. That's why, of course, many of us, when we were with our families, it was a segregated place, most likely, because it meant not being with others. Why should not being with others be bad? Indeed, there are times when we may feel bad, but we must take into account that sometimes people won't be there, and we can't allow ourselves to abandon ourselves in those moments. The search for others can't become an addiction; that is, the fear of falling into a situation, which could be, is present; you never know.

Many therapists radically reject this idea. In fact, you get the ambiguous idea that being alone isn't always good, but of course, one wonders under what conditions. These therapists aren't serving as guides for us to consolidate these conditions. In fact, therapy itself, for many professionals, is an ambiguous approach, which surely results in a repetition of notions. The idea is that one can consolidate facts to gain the momentum to act, in an integrated manner, not in an intellectualized way, an issue in which the therapist should support us, but many are unable to visualize, to facilitate the process, something that other people who aren't trained can't do.

I remember a therapist telling me how to think when the point is precisely to think naturally, spontaneously, to deal precisely with whatever is at stake. Otherwise, what you're doing is conspiring a kind of patch, a spectrum of things, that merely verify that what you're doing is right, according to the character's approval. It's not about exerting control over ideas, but rather about taking whatever paths we must take. Frankly, today, the idea of ​​resorting to violence is ridiculous, given that we always seek stability by inertia, always; that's what our processes—our personal processes—are based on. We may appear to be going to be violent, but in the end, let's be clear, this is a facade or at least a warning of when we are being taken to extreme situations where we are not as we always were because we are not in the same conditions as always.

With the mindset I've developed over the last few days, I feel deeply impacted by the behavior of these people and these therapists. In the end, things turn out to be completely similar: a terrible mental health professional is the same as an individual who doesn't know what to do with a certain circumstance—the same, but under a range of prejudices. I feel disappointed by the therapists I sought out because the very idea is to provide solutions, methodologically concrete answers, not something outside of them. Without methodology, then, we're doing nothing.

I feel that many therapists stick to following protocols, in a way that's completely detached from the case, applying them however they feel comfortable. This is the reason they act distantly and without delving into the case, always trying to get the person to follow the path. The aforementioned therapist always looked for ways to address the distancing she created from her; I understand that this was a symptom; to this day, I doubt that this person has realized that I didn't want to work with her. In fact, this character returned at my father's request, despite all this evidence. He simply speaks to me as someone who isn't concerned, who seeks the origin of the issue in my personality, detaching himself from the notion that if I act this way in the relationship, it's because of the pink issue in the relationship. My senses aren't disconnected from reality. Organically, I'm fine. But this being, even with a doctorate, I didn't understand this, and I highly doubt I still understand it today, and it's somewhat disappointing. Frankly, I wouldn't want to think this way because money was invested in it, and it hurts.

The person's comment affects me greatly because it makes me return to that therapist. Of course, this allows me to develop the story. In fact, I feel so frustrated that it has become a constant headache, and it has been lessening as I compose my story of interaction with the character. This is something I don't allow therapists, or other therapists, precisely because of the fear of repression. It's something that's extremely difficult to do.

Every day, I also find myself surprised by another therapist. It's that when he becomes aware of many things, it really hurts. I didn't like these considerations I'm receiving because they're hurting me. Anyway, with this other therapist, despite the disqualification he made, the establishment's entry into conflict with me to guide me through life by comparing me with others, restricting me in the expression of my feelings, and scolding me for making people outside the office look bad for me by moving things around, going beyond the purpose of the consultation, this guy had the good fortune to express that he didn't have the maturity at that moment to handle the treatment. Under the pressure I was under, I think it was only natural for that to happen. I don't know where the hell this guy was, frankly. I understand that maturity for him is the ability to give in to whatever he wants. I don't see this guy as a therapist or as a carnival.