Health and Wellness Failures Stories

there’s not a category that fits this so i just chose randomly sorry, I don’t know how to word this plus it’s a vent I just don’t feel like living anymore i feel like a burden to everyone in my life, i stay at home constantly i feel ugly and i don’t want people to look at me i don’t even think my mom loves me it just feels like she’s saying it out of pity anytime i vent to someone they just reply with “oh but how would ___ feel?” That just makes me feel worse about myself i sometimes harm myself (scratching, cvtting, hitting) just do i dont lash out on my loved ones there’s nothing and no one stopping me from attempting and im scared im gonna do it soon, im a failure to everyone i even have a not incase i do attempt

I am in a very bad period right now and I keep asking the same dumb question, what happens when you cry too much, because I think I am doing some kind of damage and nobody says anything usefull about it. I do not mean one dramatic cry and then sleep. I mean a stupid repeated event, like my body is running a broken program and the output is tears, pain, more tears. My eyes burn all day. The skin under them is red and sore and kind of hot. My nose keeps switching between blocked and leaking and I am honestly sick of this gross fluid circus. My head feels packed with pressure, mostly around the forehead and sinuses, and I cannot tell if that is stress, inflammation, fatigue, dehydration, or just me going to hell in small pieces. Have you ever cried so much your throat hurt after even when you were not even speaking anymore? Because that keeps happening to me and it feels absurd. My chest gets tight. My breathing goees weird. I try to regulate it like some proper adult with self-control and then some tiny useless thing happens and I break again. People keep saying crying is healthy and that is such lazy crap. Too much of anything becomes wear and tear. That is basic logic. The autonomic system goes into overdrive, pulse elevated, muscles rigid, stomach unstable, sleep architecture ruined. Yes I know how that sounds, too clinical maybe, but what else am I supposed to call it when my whole body acts like it is under constant load. I drink water and still feel dry. I close my eyes and they twitch. I sit still and my face feels swollen and wrong, like it belongs to some miserable stranger. Maybe that is normal; maybe I am just weak and making it bigger in my own head, but I do not think so. I think the body can only process so much crying before it starts billing you for it. That is what this feels like. A bill. A penalty. A system notice saying I exceeded tolernce and now every part is irritated.

What makes it worse is that I do not even cry for one clean reason now, which would at least make sense. It used to be one event, one loss, one insult, one actual cause. Now it is procedural and embarassing. I spill coffee, I cry. I answer a message, I cry. I cannot find socks, I cry, which is pathetic and yes I know it sounds stupid as hell. Last week I cried in the shower so long my legs felt weak after and I had to sit on the floor because standing felt too complex for me at that point. Yesterday I cried before eating, during eating, and after, which is disgusting and probably not ideal if we are pretending I am a functioning person. My appetite is unstable. My stomach does this acid thing, then hollow, then nausea, then nothing. Sleep is fragmented and thin. Concentration is bad. I read the same line three times and still do not absorb it. Cognition feels blunted, like every crying episode strips off one more layer of function and leaves me dumber and slower. Maybe I am overstatng it. Maybe I am not. I doubt everything now, including basic symptoms, because being like this makes you feel insane and cheap. But I can still observe facts. I get headaches, facial pain, shaky hands, fatigue, dry mouth, a sore throat, and this ugly emotional hangover that does not clear by morning. I become rude because I am tired and honestly angry. I sound formal because if I say it plain I will probably just start swearing like a complete animal. So here is the direct version. I do not know how my body could react if this keeps going. Maybe nothing dramatic happens. Maybe I just keep degrading in these small, mean, stupid ways until this becomes my standard operating condition. That thought scares me more than one big collapse, actualy. Slow failure is still failure, and I am tired of pretending this is just sadness when it feels more like prolonged physical malfunction.

so, here I am, wondering if you can just, you know, wake up one day outta the blue and suddenly have OCD??! i'm no expert, but honestly, it kinda feels like it. i mean, i've always been a bit of a neat freak, but lately, it's like another level, folks. ever been caught up in something so intense that it almost feels like it just snuck up on you and smacked you in the face? that's what i'm dealing with right now.

it's like, now i can't even leave the freakin' house without checking everything, like, a thousand times. door locked? check. stove off? check. sanity intact? eh, who knows at this point. 😅 it’s wild, and honestly, it makes me think: can this really just happen later in life, or am i just losing my marbles? like, isn't OCD something you're either born with or not? why is my brain suddenly acting like it's under a microscope?

but, here's the thing: i'm not about to let this get me down. not a chance in hell. in a way, it's kinda fascinating how my mind's shifting gears, and yeah, maybe it's annoying as hell, but it also feels like a journey of self-discovery. and let's be real, who isn't down for a bit of a challenge now and then? i mean, my life's not falling apart or anything; it's just kinda evolving, if that makes any sense.

anyways, i'm figuring if it is actually OCD creeping in, then there's gotta be some way to handle this without losing my cool. ain't nobody got time to be stuck in their own head all day, right? 😆 so maybe it's time to cut myself some slack, try to lighten up, and see where this rabbit hole ends. you ever find yourself caught up in a similar loop? it's like swimming upstream, but, hey, one of us might as well find a way to laugh about it;

bottom line, i'm not letting this whole suspected-OCD-rabbit-hole thing dictate my life. sure, it feels like my brain’s playing tricks on me, but it's also kinda pushing me to grow a bit more. so to anyone else out there who’s suddenly questioning why their world’s started spinning in new directions— maybe it's not just a pain in the ass, maybe it's an opportunity to embrace what makes us tick. a twist in the plot that keeps things uh, 'scintillating' and kinda interesting, if you will. here's to rolling with the punches and feeling a bit less crazy in the process.

So I was sexually assaulted, abused and groomed at a very young age by another minor she was my best friend and everything she did to me I struggle with being hypersexual and suicidal + I cannot like myself or be healthy in a friendship with anyone I keep hurting the people around me and I am a very very bad person she made me this version of me and to this day I think it's my fault for being naive enough to let her ruin me I still look at that little girl and think she's so stupid she's getting beaten up on a daily, bullied, humiliated, forced to think she's disgusting, ugly and whatever else you can think of the night I got assaulted it was the only time I was allowed to sleep at her house she was weird the whole day making me change in front of her because girls must show each other everything I made it clear I didn't want to and it led to her taking off my shirt and fondling me this night ruined my sexual drive I have an addiction now and I absolutely feel disgusting and hate myself my body and my life but I want to continue living and to be happy so if anyone is reading this please help me through text (sorry for little to no punctuation and shitty grammar I am not from an English speaking country)

I'm scared of dying in my sleep, knowing that it can happen at any time. And you wouldn't even know because you won't wake up if it happens,

you lay in bed and close your eyes, ready to go to bed and wake up the next morning but the fear sometimes lingers with me. Which sounds stupid when you say it out loud because it would be the most peaceful way to go right?

but at the same time, i feel like to me it's the hardest way. Not the aftermath of it, but just knowing it could happen and what others would think. You don't get to say goodbye, you can't give a last message. What would my online friends think? that i ghosted them but in reality i died?

It's the being afraid of dying before living life to my fullest. What if i die before getting to live as a guy? before i come out. If the last thing they know me as is a girl when all i want to be seen as is a guy. Is that just part of the fear? the fear of dying, but also the fear of leaving things unfinished. Like there’s still so much you haven’t gotten to do yet? I know i will die someday but it's always a feeling that stays because what if i don’t get the chance to be me before that happens?

It’s just one of those thoughts that makes everything feel a little more real than i want it to feel. Sometimes i'm stuck staring at the ceiling trying to distract myself with the thought that i will wake up. But my brain just circles back like it’s looking for an answer that doesn’t exist. Because you won't know if you don't wake up.

Am i just afraid of dying young? and is there a way to ease this feeling a little?

I'm 16 years old ftm and gay.

I've accepted myself ever since i've figured out i was trans, i've always been an ally of the lgbtqia+ community and i always will be.

The thing i struggle with is hearing all the negative comments about the trans community and about the lgbtqia+ community in general. Because no matter where you are there will always be someone who doesn't accept it. I understand people have different views of things, but why do we normalise hatred so much? love is love and trans men are men. And the same goes for trans women they ARE women.

It fills me with rage that people can't let other people be who they are. You don't choose to be trans or gay, it's not a choice and it isin't just something that can be 'fixed'. Hearing people say things like "being gay is just wrong" or "being trans is bullshit" really hurts. I don't judge people for being straight, because love is love right?Why should we bring someone down just because they don't fit the standard?

I personally don't watch the last of us but why would you cast someone who is cis to play the role of someone who is trans? it WILL hurt the trans community, because to someone people it will be seen as "trans men ARE women" when they are NOT. They had the opportunity to cast a trans ftm teen, and to some people it isin't that serious. But it IS that serious. We deserve good representation and i wish that other people could see that we are human too.

We aren't freaks, no it's not just a phase we are going through, just because we don't fit the so called 'norm' doesn't mean we don't deserve to be treated the same way.

Alright, so I'm 39 and trying not to freak out, but it's hard not to feel like something ominous is scribbled across my life's blueprint. could it be the algorithm of stress, or maybe just the faulty wiring in my overthinking brain? the days scrape by and I've got this stupid itch, like a ticker tape in my head whispering "tick-tock, hun, something's coming." you ever stand in the shower and just watch the water swirl down the drain while wondering if you're circling right down with it??? bizarre, right? but seriously, what the hell is this gut-churning sense of doom that just lounges in my living room like it pays rent?

i blame it on the 'midlife crisis' stigma, which surely must be some twisted rite of passage. but i don't own a convertible or an absurdly-priced leather jacket, just a morbid fascination with my own mortality. is there an existential influencer somewhere saying, "and now you'll dread your birthday cake candles"? at this age, you'd think I'd have unlocked some dispassionate wisdom from life's inventory, but nah, feels like i'm playing a video game with a walkthrough written in pencil!!! like howdy, could someone patch this glitch, please? no cheat codes here, just wish I could delete this morose save file, you know?

but here's the thing, if i dust off my therapist's favorite cliches, it's like hitting pause and rebooting with optimism... "change is good!" or that irritating serene vibe of "you've got this." tedious but they might be onto something!!! i mean, statistically, with all the variables, I could live to garden with my grandkids, dodging any hardware bug life throws my way. don't you think it's hilarious how we can be both the protagonist and the heckler in our life’s script? maybe we're all just late-night telethon hosts, presenting dramatic predictions about the apocalypse of our souls. pfft, if i can troubleshoot systems as complicated as my own, enjoying that last cookie guilt-free seems doable enough. maybe, just maybe, this isn't some final destination trailer after all, but just a low-budget pilot for figuring out what it means to really live!

i have been sh free for four years and that ended today. but today i realized almost everyday for the past four years ive thought about sh or wanting to kms but i just convinced myself that the depression diagnoisis is wrong and that im happy and content with my life when everything has been wrong. everyday i wake up and wish i died in my sleep or driving to school in a car crash or maybe something would fall on me or i would just be unlucky and fall through a floor or something. ive never told this to anyone ever. my world has been crashing down on me this year i hate me i hate college apps i hate life and school and everything. i am confused and sad and tired. help

I'm (16M) and i'm at my saddest but also happiest, it kind of feels like it switches you know? my first year of college is coming to an end this summer and i still haven't made any friends, it's hard seeing my classmates get along well. Everyone has their own little group or friend they sit with but i always sit alone. At lunch, in class. that type of stuff. In high school i still had people to talk with during classes and lunch. and i really miss that. I have online friends. but i really only have one person i talk with one on one where we can let out hearts out. But she hasn't really replied in 3 weeks or so. I believe she's taking her time off, she just got in a new school has a boyfriend now and i'm so happy for her because she deserves all the love in the universe.

I feel lonely. And i have a hard time admiting that, i usually talk to people in group settings. but then i see them post each other, having matching pfps for example. that sort of things, and im glad for them. I really am. I just wonder why i can't have that too, why can't i have that? why can't i have someone to laugh with. Someone who wants to hang out with me? I have 2 friends in real life maybe. But they don't always feel like it, they talk about things they told eachother around me and then act annoyed when i ask what they are talking about. They make jokes i don't like, hit me playfully even tho i tell them stop. I don't hang with them a lot i guess. I Just envy the people who have someone that they love, someone that they care about. And i want that too. I want a friend, someone to be with. Someone to do fun stuff with. Because it feels like im falling behind when everyone else is moving forwards.

What could someone like me, someone who's scared of approaching people because it isint concidered normal where the live get over loneliness?

I would really appreciate to see others thoughts on this, especially from adults since im still so young, did it get better for you?

I’m 19, and I’m starting to feel like my brain got wired wrong somewhere, because I seriously cannot fall asleep in a quiet room. Not “it’s a little harder” quiet. I mean the kind of silence where I can hear my own swallowing, the radiator clicking, the blood rushing in my ears, every tiny shift in the mattress, and suddenly my whole nervous system acts like it’s on graveyard shift doing threat assessment. The second everything goes still, my sleep latency gets way worse, like my body forgets how to cross over into actual sleep onset. If I put on a fan, rain sounds, some dumb video essay playing low, or even just the hum of an air purifier, I knock out faster. Does anyone else get that, or am I just broken in a really specific and embarrassing way? People always talk like silence is the ideal sleep environment, like that’s the gold standard, but for me silence feels aggressive. It feels like standing on a stage waiting to mess up. Noise gives me auditory masking, which sounds clinical, but basically it just covers the sharp little sounds that keep pulling my attention back up to the surface. Without it, my brain starts monitoring everything, like some cheap surveillance system that never powers down. I’ve tried the “healthy” stuff too. No caffeine late, dim lights, no phone for a while, trying to regulate my circadian rhythm, breathing slow, all of it. And still, the moment it gets too quiet, my thoughts get louder than any speaker ever could. I start replaying every awkward conversation, every bad choice, every unfinished thing in my life, and then I’m just laying there feeling stupid. It’s wierd because during the day I say I want peace, but at night peace feels fake. Peace feels like waiting for something bad. When I was younger I used to fall asleep on the couch while the TV was on and plates were clinking in the kitchen, and I think my brain decided that background noise equals safety, like that became the default setting. So now when I try to sleep in a perfect silent room, it doesn’t feel restful, it feels abandoned.

Last week I actually tested it because I was tired of feeling dramatic about it. First night, I turned everything off because I wanted to prove to myself I was just being dependent on a habit. The room was dark, clean, no notifications, no sound, textbook sleep hygiene. I laid there for what felt like forever, probably doing micro-arousals every few minutes, drifting for two seconds and then snapping back because the silence made every thought sound huge. My chest wasn’t pounding or anything, so I’m not trying to say it was some full panic response, but my baseline arousal was clearly too high. I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, normal people can sleep in silence, why cant I. I got annoyed enough to turn on a box fan at like 2:17 a.m., and I swear my whole body unclenched within ten minutes. That should’ve made me feel relieved, but honestly it just made me feel worse, because now it seems less like a phase and more like I’ve trained myself into some dependency loop. The next night I tried brown noise instead, and same result, asleep faster, fewer wake-ups, less mental static. So yeah, the data is pretty obvious, but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. Accept it? Fix it? Is this just conditioning, or is it hypervigilance, or am I giving it too much meaning because I’m 19 and already tired all the time and kind of burnt out in general? I know there are worse problems to have, obviously. Needing noise to sleep is not exactly a tragic backstory. But it bothers me because it makes me feel fragile in this dumb specific way, like I can’t even handle the default setting of a room. And the worst part is I’m not even sure I want to fix it if noise is the only thing that consistently helps. Maybe the real issue isn’t the sound, maybe it’s what happens in my head when there’s alot of empty space for every thought to echo. I definately trust a fan more than my own mind at night, and that feels sad in a way I can’t make sound less pathetic.

hey, anyone else feeling like this??? it's like i'm constantly questioning my own existence as if i'm having an existential crisis, but isn't that too dramatic? every day, it's this unshakeable sensation, like i'm carrying a weighted blanket of doom. can anyone relate? sure, it could be stress or burnout. you know how everyone raves about that work-life balance, but what if there's no balance at all? maybe it's just our norm now, right?? constantly switched on and plugged in. those talks about dopamine and cortisol - are they legit, or just a fad??? "why do i feel like i'm dying," i ask myself almost daily. "this can't be normal," i think, but is it? i’ve heard about adrenal fatigue, a real thing apparently in the medical community. what if it's my adrenal glands crying out for help?? with the constant adrenaline dumps of modern life, it's no wonder, right? what if what's supposed to be an adrenaline rush slowly turns into lethal apathy??? frightening to consider, but isn’t that where we're at now, constantly anxious for seemingly no reason? headaches, fatigue - they tell me it's tension, but honestly, it's more than that, isn't it?? the classic "doctor google" game - not reliable, but inevitable when you're desperate. is it all in the mind, or could it be a nutrient deficiency? could it be something simple like that, or am i looking at early signs of something more insidious? when even a single day doesn't go by without questioning, "do i even have time for myself?" how valid is the concern that we might just be lab rats in a never-ending maze? is anyone else overthinking this??? plagued by lethargy but trapped in the paradox of insomnia... sounds like a cruel joke, doesn’t it? like those nights of sleep only to wake up feeling depleted, isn't that ironic?? people talk about mindfulness and self-care as if they're the cure-all. are they, really??? does being mindful amidst chaos truly alleviate, or is it like a band-aid on a gaping wound? the irony of it all - immersed in brief moments of peace only to be yanked back into the spinning wheel of anxiety; the 24-hour cycle of productivity pressures, isn't it exhausting?? or is it simply the side effects of our digital overdose??? are we perpetuating our own anguish through screens that keep us endlessly engaged yet forever detached? sometimes, i wonder if this constant barrage of information is programming us for obsolescence. are we just software in perpetual beta mode?? maybe i'm overanalyzing, maybe it's just life... but still, does everyone feel this unending wave of inadequacy creeping up on them like an algorithm-based existential threat?? sure, communities everywhere tout unity in mental health challenges... but if we're all lost, can the blind lead the blind effectively??? what’s the point of shared struggle if we don’t feel the progress?? they say: "reach out, talk it out." okay, but what if words are in short supply or feel inadequate? expressing the mind's chaos is not always easy, you're with me on this, right?? how many are authentically expressing, versus just surviving? the digital age, with its unforgiving pace, leaves minimal room for pause... in reality, who's truly programming whom, right?? perhaps we need a collective system reboot. maybe switching off is the answer... but who has the luxury to truly disconnect and not fear missing out? they call it "fomo," but is it fear or just the pressure to keep up? the idea of stepping away provides momentary relief, but isn’t the return even more overwhelming? seeking the balance seems more of a journey of doubt than certainty. there’s no handbook, no reset button. questions pile up, but does anyone have the answers?? everyone throws around terms like "holistic approach" and "mind-body connection," but does that resonate with you when standing on uneven ground? it’s hard to find a standard metric to validate feeling alive... maybe the question is not "why do i feel like i'm dying," but, "how do we collectively feel less submerged by life?" is there an endpoint, a resolution, or is this the new form of living??? ultimately, it’s a string of questions without real closure. does this align with anyone else's experience??? really keen to hear if this resonates or if i’m swimming upstream alone in this murky ether of uncertainty!!!

have you ever found yourself tongue-tied, unsure of what to say when engaging with someone who has Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)? 😅 growing up, we're instructed to think before we speak, yet it seems this golden rule often gets lost when conversing with individuals who experience multiple identities. this unwitting ignorance can lead to awkward moments and, at worst, can be unintentionally harmful to someone navigating DID. while initial trepidation may be understandable, there's no need to turn communication into a minefield, right? isn't it peculiar how some people approach these situations with detached curiosity or flat-out skepticism instead of genuine empathy? merely seeing a person as a curiosity or entertainment piece can perpetuate stereotypes. simple things like asking, “which one am I talking to now?” might stem from well-meaning intentions but often land as a jarring reminder of their struggles rather than a quick entrée into befriending.

dismissing their reality by suggesting, “isn’t that just your imagination running wild?” invalidates their lived experience. who really benefits from making sweeping generalizations or assumptions like suggesting therapy focuses on integrating personalities? sure, at times people think they're being helpful, but often, it's time to self-question the given biases. 🤔 consider instead rendering your ears as a vessel for cautious listening without injecting unsolicited advice. it's really not rocket science, is it? imagine how dismissive phrases like “isn’t that just a movie thing?” would echo in contexts beyond DID. what makes us go default at downplaying complexities when closing the gap of understanding could be a simple matter of awareness enhanced with empathy? scrolling online forums to eavesdrop on the collective wisdom can be enlightening, but jumping to expert status without actual knowledge? probably not the best move, huh? let’s just accept that nuances exist in everyone and steer conversations with that in our hearts. is that fair to say?

i’ve been thinking about SH for a while since i last did it (a month ago). it always feels refreshing and takes my mind off of all the other problems i have in life. i want to get help but i feel like im not valid for lots of reasons. i have only cut twice and they never bled or left scars before, i am pretty young, i feel like i am part of the reason why my mental health is so bad too. i cannot handle school anymore even though i have no elective classes anymore in school. i feel like people will downplay my mental health because of how i am. i usually have all good grades and i look fine most of the time which i feel like makes it seem like i am okay. to make it worse i have a twin sister who has similar problems to me but it is more evident so she gets more attention to her problems than i do. only one of my friends and my mom realize i dont eat anything anymore. i usually just eat around 2-3 bags of the smallest hot cheeto size bags everyday and sometimes soda and some dumplings. i dont feel fat or that i want to starve myself, i genuinely just forget to eat. i also want to dress gothic so badly but im worried about what people will think and about money. i have lots of friends yet i feel so alone and that i cant talk to anyone fully about how i feel. i have only talked to someone about this 3 times before. my friend has told me she worries about me all the time because she knows i downplay when im sad and dont talk about my feelings to anyone. when im sad i typically dont show it and just be alone, when im overwhelmed or stressed i panic and start crying. i sometimes want to cut my legs or arms harder so my parents will notice and take me to a mental facility so i can get away from everything. i feel like everyday nothing matters and im starting to lose interest in the things i like. i have only been focusing on school so i wont get bored and one game and show. i stopped drawing and have been having major artblock recently. something i do all the time now is i go on gacha life 2 and make different designs of my fav characters or oc’s or write fanfics so i can focus everything onto them rather than do nothing. i genuinely want something bad to happen to me so i can get help. i stopped talking to my friends a lot and i haven’t hung out with any of them for a month. i’ve started to not feel like eating any of my safe foods which has been stressing me out because i eat most of the time because im bored and can literally not do anything else. i have only 2-3 safe foods and im starting to get bored of them. i feel so empty all the time.

hey there, folks! so, the weirdest thing happened the other day, and it got me thinking about this peculiar phenomenon that's been a part of my life for as long as i can remember. you know when you're about to do something really nerve-wracking, like giving a speech or going on a first date, and suddenly, you feel that unpleasant urge to visit the restroom? well, that's exactly what happened to me, and i gotta say, it's both embarrassing and fascinating at the same time. have you ever experienced that? apparently, it's a pretty common thing and science has an answer for it, believe it or not; our bodies are just wired to respond that way. now, i'm not trying to bore you with a biology lesson here, but here's the gist of it: when we get nervous, our fight-or-flight response kicks in, and that triggers a whole bunch of reactions in our body, including the need to 'go'. it's like our bodies are preparing to run away from danger, and, well, we all know that running with a full bladder (or worse) is definitely not ideal. speaking from personal experience, it really does make an already anxious situation even more awkward. like, for instance, when i had this important job interview recently, i mean, i was sweating bullets and all, but then... the dreaded bathroom feeling hit me, and i was just like, 'not now, please!' i honestly don't know why it can't just wait, you know? wouldn't it be great if our bodies could just chill until a more appropriate time? honestly, i can't be the only one finding this both intriguing and downright inconvenient. so i remembered reading somewhere, might've been on a health blog or something, that this all relates to the sympathetic nervous system and the adrenaline rush that sends our bodies into overdrive. it's kind of cool how our bodies are so efficient in one sense, but, at the same time, it’s like, 'come on, what gives?' anyway, i've learned some tricks to calm my nerves a bit, like deep breathing and visualizing more relaxed situations, but let's be real, it's an ongoing struggle. you ever tried to focus on your breathing? i swear, sometimes it works, other times not so much. but hey, life is full of these quirky experiences, right? it's all about making the most of it and maybe even sharing a laugh or two at our own expense. so, have you ever found yourself in the same boat, or am i just being overly dramatic? ain't it funny how our bodies have a mind of their own sometimes? i'm sure there's probably a name for this whole ordeal, some fancy scientific term, but whether i remember it or not doesn't change a thing. guess we all just have to roll with it and hope that next time, our nerves will be a bit kinder to our digestive system. but all jokes aside, isn't it fascinating how human bodies are such complex machines? keep smiling, folks!

I know it's bad to compare myself but sometimes I can't help it, it's not online people much as I stray away; instead, it's my own sister, her hair is amazing, getting compliments, called a diva by a gay guy, that one hurt, knowing I'm apart of that community, it was so embarrassing that it's hard for me to call myself a trans gay man knowing I'm just a loser, she many online friends as we're both homeschool, friends with anyone, and talks to the family, longer eyelashes. She's on her phone, probably texting her friends all the time. I have two normal sisters and then there's me, it's like everybody can see that I'm the weird one for my hobbies and how I look. I don't like being cynical so I've been working on that but now I just feel bad, comparing myself.

It's hard, investing in my looks by buying skincare, wigs, clothes, and even trying makeup even tho I'm shit at it, I'll never be as cute as those girls or boys online in my own eyes. I see people I relate to online, mainly girls but they're also pretty, I just wish I was at least pretty even tho I'm depressed and mentally ill.

My suicidal thoughts come randomly, "omg I'm 18 rn but I'll be 30 in 12 years and my life has amount to nothing! I should die rn." "Omg my sister is better than me and everyone can tell, she doesn't talk to me as much anymore, maybe I'm better off dead." "Omg my life is terrible and will stay that way, need to die before it gets worse."

My cousins, even the adults ones and their partners and my sis all have a group chat without me, it's like even my family thinks I'm weird or something. I just don't talk much so they probably assume I hate them or something.

That being said... should I try and make friends again? Even e-date around?

I feel like there are a mixture of ai responses and human responses on here, don't tell me to join a support group, I've been looking and trying. There's not many free ones and I have to keep waiting for the right day of the week to even join. Cant even get a therapist becuz I don't even have a doctor becuz my mom wants me to wait and do it with her. It's annoying. I feel like I'm in "learned helplessness", am I?

Anything is appreciated.