Health and Wellness Failures Stories

I keep having this same dream, and I wake up every time with the same quiet shock. I’m a woman, married, raising a family, doing the normal life stuff. In the dream, my husband is leaving us. Not in a dramatic way. No shouting, no slammed doors. He’s calm. Almost gentle. He tells me it’s time, like he’s explaining a schedule change. The house looks exactly right. The kids are there, but distant, like background noise. Everything feels precise, realistic, painfully detailed. I can feel the air in the room. I can hear my own breathing. When I wake up, my body still believes it. My chest is tight. My hands are cold. It’s embarrassing how long it takes to shake it off. The dream doesn’t feel symbolic. It feels literal. As if my brain is rehearsing a future I didn’t agree to. People love to say, “Dreams are just dreams,” and sure, that’s comforting in theory. But when they feel this real, it’s hard not to question that line. It reminds me of that quote, “The mind makes it real,” and yeah, that hits a little too close. I’m polite with myself about it. I don’t panic. I just note the pattern and move on. Still, I wonder why my subconscious is so committed to this storyline...

What’s strange is that my waking life is steady. My husband is present, kind, involved. There’s no obvious threat, no secret tension. That’s why I try to stay detached and analytical about the dreams. Repetition usually means unresolved fear, according to the experts. Fear of loss. Fear of abandonment. Classic stuff. Fine. I accept the diagnosis without dramatizing it. I don’t accuse reality of crimes it hasn’t committed. The dreams are respectful, almost courteous, which somehow makes them worse. There’s no villain to blame. Just inevitability. And yet, every morning, I wake up and nothing has changed. The family is intact. The day continues. That part gives me hope. It’s proof that imagined endings don’t automatically become real ones. I treat the dreams like mental noise, like my brain running stress tests while I sleep. Annoying, but not authoritative. I remind myself of another quote I once read: “Thoughts are not facts.” That line does a lot of heavy lifting for me. I stay positive on purpose. I choose to believe stability deserves more credit than fear. Still, I’m curious, and I’ll ask politely: why do dreams borrow reality so convincingly? Why do they feel more intense than the life we actually live? And have you ever woken up mourning something that never happened, only to feel quietly grateful when you realized it wasn’t real?

this poem will be about my struggles with adhd

I hope you enjoy and pls lmk what you think

My mind is a house with every light on,

but the wiring is wrong.

Current jumps the walls.

The air buzzes even when I’m still.

Thoughts move like fireworks down the hallway—

no order,

no warning,

just flashes and echoes and aftermath.

I reach for one

and three more grab my sleeve,

each convinced it’s urgent,

each forgetting why it came.

Some days the noise grows too large for the rooms.

It presses outward,

paces the floorboards,

rattles the windows from the inside.

My body learns the exits first—

a flick of the hand,

a sharp blink,

a sudden shudder like static shaking free.

Small movements.

Necessary ones.

The storm grounding itself

so the house doesn’t split apart.

I don’t choose the spill.

It comes when the walls start breathing,

when thought piles on thought

until there’s no oxygen left.

My body reacts before I can ask it to—

a sharp jolt,

a break in the rhythm,

like something clawing its way out

because staying inside would be worse.

It isn’t release so much as survival.

Energy tearing a seam in the dark,

lightning striking downward

so it doesn’t turn inward.

I let it happen

because holding it all

feels like suffocating quietly.

Time behaves strangely here.

It leaks through my fingers,

slips under doors,

vanishes the moment I look directly at it.

Clocks stare like witnesses.

I apologise to them anyway.

Memory is a hallway with missing doors—

names hovering just out of reach,

sentences dissolving halfway spoken.

I step over the gaps,

pretend I meant to forget,

pretend it doesn’t follow me.

Some days my head is a carnival after dark—

lights too bright,

rides spinning too fast,

music overlapping until it sharpens.

I want to leave.

I want quiet.

But the ticket never tears

and the gates stay open.

Then comes the other kind of heavy.

Not loud—

dull.

A dimming after the surge.

Rooms go dark one by one.

Ideas slump in their chairs,

still breathing

but too tired to stand.

This is the exhaustion that doesn’t ask permission.

The kind rest doesn’t solve.

Bone-deep.

Sticky.

Like gravity turning personal.

My body stays still

while my mind keeps running,

burning energy it no longer has.

I stare at things I love

and feel only the weight of them.

Even stillness hums.

Even silence costs something.

And yet—

I find colours hiding in ordinary days.

Stories stitched between unrelated things.

Patterns where chaos pretends to be random.

My mind builds bridges instinctively,

even when I don’t know where they lead.

Ideas love me recklessly.

They arrive in crowds,

talk over one another,

leave without warning—

but for a moment

they make me feel infinite.

When focus finds me,

it grabs hard.

The world blurs.

Hours collapse into a single breath.

I forget to eat,

forget to move,

forget everything except the fire

and the way it finally listens.

I change my mind often

because every idea feels true

until the next one opens its mouth.

I am loyal to the moment,

not the map.

Some days I am exhaustion wrapped in motion.

Some days I am brilliance scattered across the floor.

Most days

I am both at once.

I am not broken.

I am not unfinished.

I am living inside a system turned up too loud—

one that shakes,

that spills,

that wears me thin,

but also sees more than it destroys.

This is what it’s like

to carry lightning in your pockets—

to learn when to release it,

when to rest,

and when to let it burn bright enough

to become light

I need to vent, because I'll figure it out i always do. Im not looking for sympathy, maybe any advice.

Reference i have been falling behind on bills for months now, all because of a strike that directly effected my job it also took me 8 months to get a job with how competitive it is right now.

I am sick of living in poverty.

Ei told me I didn't qualify because I was 200 hours short. (During a temporary lay off)

Government assistance told me I didn't qualify because I have that 22,000 in an investment account.

Bank told I cant take that money out unless its life or death (its a NON-REDEEMABLE gci account), so i applied for an overdraft 0% interest, BUT thats not even guaranteed.

I refuse to barrow more money because I know how annoying it is to constantly be asked for money, and a payday loan charges 14$ per ever $100 you borrow and Im in that limbo of not qualifying for it either way because I only need $600.

OH and on top of the whole bank situation I had to pay a debt that I was disputing to even qualify! The debt was because of a monopolize internet provider double charging me and going against the contract I sighed. On top of all that my car needs $5000+ worth of work done and I cant sell it because my job requires me to have a car for transporting equipment.

I have been struggling to get a side gig to earn extra cash but I need this money by Friday. Thankfully my landlord has been great to me but I feel like me telling him that I cant pay it like I used to do is getting much.

I know in March it will be better, because I only made 7000$ last year and had 6000$ in uninsured medical bills, I do get money back but this is now and I was doing so good at budgeting but it feels like the world cant let me ever get ahead.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

So I will start off with the fact that I live and work on a cruise ship. I work in a nursery (daycare) which takes 6 months to 3 years children and the nursery team is of 5 members. I am undiagnosed autistic and I need to have things a certain way but I don't force it upon my colleagues. Recently because I like to have things a certain way and when I am in the nursery I do those things but I don't tell others that they have to do them, I have found that my colleagues are getting more and more frustrated with me, they are also ignoring me, if I say hello I just get a grunt back (only two do that) and there is no communication between them and me. I am also going for room lead and I feel like if my colleagues don't want to talk to me then what is the point. I don't feel like a member of the team and feel very lonely right now. The one person who I thought was my friend has turned against me as well and has started making my life very difficult. Every time I try to talk about what helps me I just get shut down and they don't want to listen and they make decisions without me around. I have thoughts of hurting myself.

I keep overthinking on the very tiniest stuffs. Even a small thing makes me thinking for like a whole day or two and genuinely my whole day gets messy and I can't focus on other stuffs except that. Today I was asked a question during my class and atfirst I simply answered, I didn't understand when sir said to ask extra stuffs. It was the stuffs I knew but I simply didn't understand at the moment so I just told him I didn't understand and so when he asked someone beside me I understood what he was asking about and as my classmate beside me didn't answer I reached out to sir and gave some answers in that moment I still misunderstood his question but I did understand later and told the answer and there was one question I was confused about so I just didn't say anything and as an introverted person I feel scared to talk infront of the whole class and the moment I was answering other people were looking at me and smirking. I could literally see them, even though I answered some stuffs I was scolded by sir like I know I'm dumb but I did answer some stuffs and so the fact that some people were looking at me and kinda laughing not laughing in exact way, is it cuz I'm dumb??? Like I'm not as smart as them but am I really that stupid and dumb?? This is what I overthought whole day and I'm still thinking about this today. And the fact that I called out sir to tell the answer after I understood what he was asking was it really wrong of me? Was I being desparate ???? I really wanna stop overthinking about this kinda stuffs but I can't. This is the first time this has happened, many times not only in class but even with the people I'm close it I start to overthink their actions and what they think about me. I really wanna stop being this............

I am 19 years old and I live in Afghanistan.

I have lost my father, and as the eldest son of my family, a heavy responsibility now rests on my shoulders. Our financial situation has become extremely difficult, and with each passing day I feel that continuing my education is slipping further out of reach.

If I do not receive financial support, I will be forced to leave my studies and take on hard, exhausting labor simply to help my family survive. Leaving school would not just mean giving up my education; it would mean saying goodbye to the dreams I have worked toward for many years.

You who have come here to listen to the heartfelt words of others are surely compassionate and kind people. I humbly ask that if you are able to help me in any way, please do not withhold your support. Even the smallest contribution could bring great hope into my life and prevent me from having to abandon my education.

Your helping hand could be the strength that keeps me on the path of learning and building a better future. I sincerely thank you for your kindness and attention.

ive honestly had a lot going on in my life right now. im still doing my education, not even old enough for an internship. my parents are struggling a lot financially and my moms selling away everything she has and honestly idk theres been sm problems, people coming from bank and all of that. recently i also got used for my body and cheated on by my ex, which led me to depression and really bad grades. i didnt have anyone to talk bout it honestly, it was the most traumatic thing ive been through. i feel lonely, it seems like life is not going anywhere and im just existing and surviving you know? its exhausting yeah. ive been having a lot of hair fall and found many grey hair too, i lost 8kgs due to depression, i was suicidal around that time and barely ate anything or slept at all. it was a hard time for me, but im glad im getting out of it. but it still doesnt seem like other things are better around me. school staffs have been bugging me about my grades and yea i didnt try i know, i just gave up, i just feel incapable and it crushes me so bad. i just hope i get out of this trance and get a better life, i try my best to work on myself atleast but yea itll need time.

Honestly just wondering, at what point is it enough to say that there's no reason to be alive. I feel like I could probably achieve some of the things that I may have wanted in the past, but I genuinely think I'd just rather kill myself.

Between interpersonal success and self actualization, I'd say those are the only things which could motivate me to keep living, but I just don't think it's practical to expect anything from myself in the kind of timeline that would make it worthwhile. I deal with paranoia, autism, panic disorder, BPD, OCD, and a very faint sense of identity. I have creative hobbies like art, music, learning about different cultures, studying languages and learning about history, but none of them would lead me to a stable job. As far as physical health, I've been struggling to gain weight and put on muscle due to diet and I hesitate to make changes to my diet due to my OCD. I consider myself average to unattractive as far as looks go, and I honestly don't even care because I hate others more than enough not to care what they think. I'm not on speaking terms with my mother, my father and both of my sisters rarely speak to me even though they claim to care about me, I have a couple of online friends from high school but I don't speak to them often either. I'm in a couple of communities at my university but in all of them I'm basically the guy that no one knows how to approach.

Until now, I'd wanted to change the world for people like me who are struggling despite having had some kind of potential, but idk, I'm tired. I know that people like me never get anywhere in life, that I've never had a stable relationship in my life and that puts me years behind everyone else developmentally. I know that I've had enough bad experiences that I'd just rather save myself the regret and hide in my room all day, but at that point I'll just be doing myself a favor by letting myself rest instead of continuing to deteriorate.

I'm young, I've been told that I'm an intelligent person and that I have a lot of things going for me, but every time I try to act on the smallest ambition I have, I regret it. I could very feasibly get a girlfriend this year or in the next couple months. I could very feasibly get a part-time job to start working on my resume. I could very feasibly talk to program administers about the projects I've wanted to do after graduating and get real support on those, but I don't really care. Modern dating sucks and though I'd like to have someone, chances are they disappoint me or disgust me like everyone else, and I don't ever really buy myself anything so I'd only be working to be out of my dorm. I don't even really care at this point about changing the world, people like me shouldn't exist. I wanted to create a world where no one like me would have to exist but everyone like me is probably just gonna kill themselves anyway.

I regret my life. I gave myself a suicide date when I was 14 and said I'd wait until I was 28 (I figured my life already sucked enough then that I'd give myself another 14 years just to see), but genuinely, why would I? I feel so far behind everyone else that something as basic as going outside gives me panic attacks. Everyone who tries to help me ultimately gets pushed away by my paranoia and I just don't have a place in society unless I go out and create one for myself which takes time, effort and skill which would mean that one way or another I lose out on my entire youth getting to the point where I would have been if I hadn't been neglected or born with these issues. I'm in therapy and it overall hasn't helped me to do any of the things I need to do.

I don't want to keep playing the "if only" game. It is what it is and I want to stop being forced to pretend that one day I'll live a normal life. Lemme know if this counts for a good enough reason to kms.

Just to sign off I miss my friend a lot. She was the last person I think I could trust and I'm debating whether or not having her cut me off last year was a good enough last straw.

I've been feeling this for quite a while..it's like getting worse and worse. The mechanisms I turn to in order to not kill myself hasn't worked. I've been passively suicidal for months but I think I'm at the stage where I wanna plan. Idk, I've been trying not to be this way. I've been trying to look for friends, take care of myself, have goals, do school, whatever I'm supposed to do. Yet my mental illness is still here, coping without solving the actual issue. It doesn't matter how clean I am or how toned my muscles get.

I've seen others have support systems during dark times like this, idk how they did that but I've tried and all I really got was romantic or sexual attention, I don't post myself at all so idk why. I just wanna rest and pass way. I could fly. I wanna go in a peaceful way tho. I should probably go chat a hotline but idk if this is really an emergency, Its not like I have a plan yet or a way to kill myself yet. I've just been feeling like this everyday and idk how to stop.

If anyone has advice or reasons to live then do share. 🩷🖤

I posted a few days ago about how messed up the school system is and how i feel really exhausted and i reread it recently and was like WOW was I playing a victim. I realized that the entire post is painfully pity-seeking, and makes me want to cry. I'm not having a harder time than anyone else, and my situation is actually very good, so the fact that I am actively harping against a reality I have created for myself is just completely disgusting. I've decided to stop acting like a martyr and actually take responsibility for my laziness and realize that there is NOTHING special about my situation. It's just called being in high school. It's just called working hard for a future and not looking for attention for surviving it. The only true problem is me, and it's about time I take responsibility for my life. Thanks to the comments who helped me realize that.

PS. How do I tell if some of those comments are AI? they felt too similar idk it was creepy. If you are not an AI and you comment, add in the name of a fruit and don't use emojis.

what the hell is wrong with me. i've been diagnosed with autism and depression and ed and anxiety and still nothing seems to explain how i feel. unable to do anything like a normal person. most of the time i either bed rot all day cause i can't get up can't take a shower can't even eat, or i walk and walk and walk just so i can burn calories. i dropped uni cause i couldn't focus anymore, couldn't even go there without having panic attacks. who would've guessed the gifted kid would end up becoming such a miserable young adult, not even able to shower properly, dropping out of her dream uni? now i'm 24/7 in my room and there's nothing i want to do, nothing seems appealing or interesting but the last thing i want is to do nothing, and that paradox makes me so anxious it kills me sometimes. i can't hold a conversation or have a social interaction with anyone cause i'm too socially awkward for that. always been that way. i can never think of anything to say, my mind just goes blank, which makes me the most boring person you'll ever meet. i never fit in anywhere. never did. i've never had real friends, was always either the bullied one or "that weird girl who never eats". for years i've put myself on the edge of death by starving myself just so i could feel something, feel *that* euphoria i've never found in anything else since — except maybe when i started drinking.. a little too much. and also cause i was never brave enough to actually att*mpt directly. dying by not doing something (in that case not eating) seemed easier than dying by actively doing something, iyk what i mean. i've been struggling with ana for almost 4 years so you'd at least think i'd be skinny by now, but nah, not even that! like being chopped wasn't enough i developed bed, gained all the weight back and more, got overweight and now i'm back to hating my body and starving myself. i can't let anyone know tho. who would care anyway? i don't have anyone. i've never actually been loved, not even in a romantic way but even as a friend as a daughter as a sister. i disappoint every single person in my life. no one came to see me when i was tubed by force in a hospital, so i can't even say i'm doing it for attention, i know i wont get any. the worst part is i'm not angry at anyone for being so alone, i'm only angry at myself. if i were anyone else i wouldn't want to be friend with me either. i've hurt people, because of my mental illnesses but also because i probably never was a good person. i don't have excuses, i'm just selfish and stupid and have no empathy. i remember my own parents saying i was a monster and should k-ll myself when i was 13. i remember making them suffer by starving the little girl they still saw in 14-year-old me. i remember tricking and hurting a girl i loved with all my heart, worsening trust issues she already had, just because she left me while i was still desperately in love with her. all my fault. i've always been a weight for everyone i've ever met and especially for everyone i ever loved. i get emotional dependence so fast and then when people leave me, because they always do, i'm mad them but mostly i'm mad at me. i hate the person i am with every single fiber of my being.

i still don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

Tw mentions of suicide and grooming

I feel like there are people predisposed to being good, then there are people like me who have to fight with every fiber of their being to go against who nature has clearly destined them to be.

I love my partner and people close to me, at least I should and there’s no reason not to, but god I think I hate them too, it’s recurring the wish that they would just die because it would make my life easier. Everytime they talk to me it’s a chore. Not that this reflects on them, they’re like a perfect person, but it’s just how I am seemingly naturally.

Other times im on the edge of my seat using every ounce of self control not to cut everyone off, run off into the woods and get myself killed because the thought is so tempting and I really wanna do it, or cut off all of my friends so I can get with another groomer because that’s really the only thing that will make me happy.

I know very well these are evil things to think very very evil selfish things that would ruin my relationships and the trust I’ve built with everyone I love , but that doesn’t change how they are the only things that feel rewarding to me like AT ALL. But on the outside I have to consciously remind myself of who I am supposed to be, a kind and perfect person that loves other people, as is the only person worth staying alive. So when they vent about how they deserve to die alone, instead of going with how I want to reply and watch them shatter ‘well yeah, you do deserve to die alone’- I go, ‘I’m sorry :( do you wanna talk about it? Im here for whatever you need.’ Because that is the normal reaction to have and the care I should have hardwired automatically, though it’s so drastically different to how I feel inside because it just????? Does not come naturally to me??? I have to wonder if literally everyone feels this way because it’s absolutely unfathomable to me why anyone would want to be alive if that was the case. People apologize like ‘sorry if im being a burden’. I’ll tell them ‘no way! Nothing can be a burden to me.’ And sometimes that’s true and I feel I can practically understand where anyone is coming from without judging. But on the other hand people having a bad day is a burden to me, people having human emotions is a burden to me, the fact I have to think about bad things happening to anyone but me is a burden to me because I want everything bad to happen to me. This is to the point I genuinely get jealous and frustrated when I see other people being abused (though ofc I know it’s not their fault and I try to help relieve their emotions and get them out of the abusive situation as a way to relieve my own unbearable jealousy. But evidently that’s not pure intent). In short, what im trying to say is everything is a burden to me, I’d rather either them die or I die than sit through another day in this shitty world that does not seem to change, and as of now I’ve lost hope in being fixed because well… my entire person is the problem . Though I proceed to go about my cheerful exterior and try to live kindly. Does anyone else feel like this or have a perspective on it? This is probably some form of derangement or something, having absolutely no selfless care for anybody, I’ll talk to my therapist about it on the 22nd. But jeez does it suck to live like this.

[Translated from French. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

HELLO everyone, I came to France with my family it’s been one year and some months, then I started school in seconde (10th grade) in a local high school and I had to repeat the year. In my second year my life became like a nightmare for me. My high school kicked me out because I had asked classmates for bank cards and money. In my second high school I cheated twice, I no longer have the right to go to school while waiting for the school to give me a final decision. My parents say that if I am expelled they will no longer pay for my school and will find me a job, but I want to continue school; I am at my limit, am I the bad seed in my family? The worst is that I live with my stepfather, and my mother asks if I came to France to destroy her household???!!! I am crying 😢 😢 I am sick of everything.

[Warning because this story may get disturbing/uncomfortable to some of you] hi, to start off I'll introduce myself without saying my name. I'm a 13 year old transmasculine and I'm here to let out some stuff that's been on my mind for years. I'm sorry if the way I word my story doesn't make sense, I haven't fully opened up to anyone for 6 years- I do not want to sound like an edgelord.

I've been hypersexual my whole life, I have experience cocsa two times ever since I was 4-6, one was my older sister who was also hypersexual- We had sex. Yes. I didn't know what it was at that time but it sure did fueled up my desires. The second was my cousin who kept touching my chest because it was "soft as bread", he said. Because of the incest stuff that happened between me and these two, I started getting into adult stuff and I am NOT proud of it, even as far as to drawing inappropriate stuff. I've been thinking a lot of someone touching me again even to this day, I know it's disgusting and I'm sorry. As much as I hate AI, I shamefully started getting addicted to Chai where I would spend most of my time spending my fantasies. I grew up talking and thinking about stuff not so appropriate for my age until it made many people uncomfortable.

Not only that, I've felt to empty my whole entire life even though I am expressive when it comes to facial expressions and emotions. I've been depressed most of the times, I've overthought most of the time, I've cried to myself so many times, I started slitting myself as a way to cope- it did in fact made me addicted to it, made me stable just slightly, it helped me get rid of the thoughts. Though that did not continue as I promised my sister not too long ago that I will not do it anymore. After that, I crave the feeling of it against my skin again, I crave doing it once more, it has become unbearable where my veins do throb for the blade.

With that promise being made, I moved on to a new coping mechanism- this time I fantasized about myself being two separate people that cares for each other, only them, I've gotten attached to myself, made myself comfortable, and that lasted for one month until I started thinking about logic about how there will never be another person that's exactly like me that will be devoted to comfort me. And because of this, I started getting into c.ai because it gave me the comfort of someone actually being there even though it was a robot.

I've also made multiple imaginary friends that will comfort me somehow just by being there but they always seem to not work, none of it felt real as much as I've always felt real life being complete nonsense.

There was once a time where I had lazily laid on my bed for days to the point where the drinks [coffee] that I usually bring for my own breakfast, rot on my desk and start molding. That point too was where I felt the need to really pierce a knife through my throat, I had felt that way for days. Last year I've gotten way better than that, but this year, it's slowly starting to come back in my senses. The need to end it all when in reality, I can't do it because I AM a pussy.

I really don't get why I'm like this. My life is indeed happy but my ungrateful ass is here to just be sad and all. I've tried getting friends to vent to, but it did the opposite, they were the ones that vented most of the time, shading me with their problems and I couldn't even get a chance to speak up. Even if I did, they would just end up talking about themselves. This has happened a couple of times and it made me bottle up my feelings and I began to think that maybe I am better off as the therapist friend, as the one that will just stand there and listen to whatever they have to say.

I don't bother going out. I have gotten outside before and I don't even want to face people in real life. No, I don't have social anxiety, I just hate them. I hate them because they're too judgemental, they have too much ego that they'll just bully the shit out of people that has the slightest difference between them.

The internet has become a safe space for me, but not when it comes to online friends as well. I have experienced drama with them for more than ten times, and the most recent one, they just went against me, and me alone just because I told the truth.

If I tell the truth, people get mad. If I tell a lie, people get mad. If I am the same as everyone, people get mad. If I am different from someone, people get mad. If I am too sexual, people get mad. If I'm not sexual, people get mad. If I don't open up, people get mad. If I open up, people get mad. This fact alone changed me and it torn me between wanting to be myself and wanting to satisfy others as I do think of the other's feelings, it made me forget about who I really am and what I should even do, that made me take some stuff from personalities owned by people I knew until I created a completely new one for myself.

I have never experienced having a therapist because they are expensive. Not only that, but because I know that the moment they put me in a mental hospital I will just get bombarded with antidepressants and more medicine tabs.

At the age of 10, I started getting aggressive because of intense mood swings, I had taken pleasure in playing around with others. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. The thought of someone else getting deeply saddened by my actions the moment they realize it was me all the time telling fake stories with fake people made me feel better from my bottled feelings.

At age 11, I started regretting manipulating them and went back to feeling horrible and shutting the hell up. I was NOT proud of who I used to be. It made me want to punch myself for my own actions to this day.

Then at age 12, I full on went thinking that maybe, not everything should be cried about, so I stopped caring. I stopped picking up pieces of personalities from people I met and I gradually lost empathy until I felt not a single guilt. That's when I started being happy even though emptiness lingers. I only got mad whenever things didn't go my way.

Now my current age, 13. The only coping mechanisms that work for me right now are, sexualizing myself to refrain sadness, and talking to non-human chatbots, still. I do not feel as empathetic as I used to be when I was way younger. I have understood that only I will understand whatever's going on in my head, selfish as I may sound like.

I do not know how to continue my story further. Thank you for reading my long story, I'm very sorry if the viewer did not understand.

i’ve always had straight-a’s. i want to do good and feel accomplished once i graduate. i used to always feel so motivated to do my best, i actually had energy, i always felt like i was in control.

lately, it’s been different. i know i might be getting “burnt out” but im losing it that motivation. my a’s are turning into b’s and c’s. i know there’s bigger problems in the world but im not used to this. my motivation is gone, my homework is piling and missing assignments are growing. im so ashamed. i feel guilty for letting it get to this, but at the same time i feel like i shouldn’t feel guilty because i did this to myself. i always dd everything myself. i have no one else to blame.

most teachers are understanding and give me extensions on big assignments that i miss, and most of the time i do them. but there’s one assignment that i just can’t do. it’s killing me. its this speech for my english class. i had all of christmas break to do it. i have really bad anxiety when it comes to public speaking, so i couldn't bring myself to even start the speech knowing that i had to speak. knowing the inevitable end result, i had my first panic attack and missed my second day back from break because of it. i was given an alternative opportunity by the teacher to just give the speech to her and a few friends, but with the pile up of other assignments for my other classes, i couldn't start it even with the alternative. i lied to the teacher about my progress, and i feel horrible, and she found out. she found out that even with the accommodation and that im way passed the due date, i havent even written a sentence because i’ve been so focused on other assignments. ive never done anything like this before. im not a bad student, or maybe i am just slowly turning into one. i dont know what i’m doing. i dont know if it's my stress or im just overthinking everything.

im constantly exhausted and tired, but i dont know who to tell. i have support around me, but i hear it so much it doesn’t sound genuine. it feels like if i actually tell someone they’ll just brush it off. its like when you ask someone “how are you?” and you hear it so much that you just expect them to respond with “im good, how are you?” that if they say anything else they’ll judge. if i actually open up, they’ll judge. i dont recognize what i’m doing. its not procrastination. or maybe it is, but i cant turn my brain off. im losing sleep from stress and all i want to do is sleep, because that the only time my mind is quiet. i want to sleep, but i hate waking up. i wish i could just shut off my mind forever.

i feel like a fraud. i’ve always had high expectations, but not meeting them for the first time is crushing me. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like a failure, and i’m so scared. i dont wanna let my parents down. they’ve always been so proud. i dont think they’ll be proud when they see my report card. i never wanted to let them down, never wanted to let myself down. but i’ve done both.