Health and Wellness Failures Stories

this is my first time posting to a website like this, so i'm a little nervous but i don't know what else to do. i've been dealing with some heavy weight recently and the problems that i once ignored are piling up on me and it's been really taking a toll on me. to give you a brief summary: my mother dislikes me, i've realized that i am somewhat disconnected from everyone in my life, opening up to people on an intimate, personal level scares me so i'm on this site instead, and lastly i feel weirdly hollow. every conversation with another person is incredibly painful for me, and i wish to cut contact with everyone and live my life as a recluse; at the same time i love people and i don't wish to separate from them. it's like, a weird oscillation of sorts. i don't want to sound too self-pitying but i wish that i could open up to others without any fear. for a long time i've always adhered to people, morphed myself accordingly but in the process i've fractured my sense of self lol and presently im trying to gain it back but ive realized just how empty of person ive been. i have so many problems but i feel like i can't tell anyone them and being emotionally genuine, with other people, is something that makes me want to throw up. distracting myself with projects, other people, or using the internet to forget about my reality. truth is, the few times ive 'opened' up to someone i tell them something miniscule that i don't truly care about just to keep the barrier there. my friendships i leave open and ambiguous, i've hurt a lot of people in the past because of this but i keep on moving forwards but this will definitely come to bit me in the future. i wish i could say that i feel remorse for them and i do, but it's never to the extent of their emotions. i do not love people, but i care about them even from afar and oh this turned into me ranting, lol sorry to whoever took the time to read this but you get the gist. there's a lot of other stuff as well but it'd be really awkward saying everything. i am attempting change but it's been hard, i'm getting somewhere though. just needed to get this off my chest lol, been feeling very depressed and heavy lately

i've been wondering why tears flow when I'm boiling with anger. it seems counterproductive, right? you’d expect steam, not water, when someone’s fuming. emotions like anger and sadness seem poles apart, yet they intertwine in the strangest way. is it the autonomic nervous system playing tricks, or a spillover from some emotional reservoir? ever screamed into a pillow and ended up sobbing?

think about cortisol—the stress hormone. when you’re angry, cortisol levels spike, and adrenaline kicks in. your heart races and your muscles tense. but then the tears come, almost as if your body’s betraying you. perhaps it’s a mechanism to signal distress. some experts suggest crying during anger can be a "safety valve" to prevent an emotional explosion. makes sense, doesn’t it? but why must it involve the humiliation of public tears?

i remember a situation at work, where a colleague's dismissiveness lit the fuse of my temper. suddenly, tears welled up against my will, in front of everyone! i felt mortified. one might argue it's part of "emotional intelligence," our body’s way of soliciting support by displaying vulnerability. yet, in that boardroom, did i really want vulnerability over asserting my point? and what about you? have you been caught in a swirl of emotions, with your tear ducts betraying your steely exterior?

there's a notion that crying serves as a cathartic release, purging pent-up emotions. it’s akin to rebooting a system overloaded by a whirlwind of feelings. so maybe, just maybe, those tears during a fury aren't enemies but allies pushing towards equilibrium. despite this understanding, it still feels like a betrayal in moments needing strength over softness. would it be different if society viewed emotional tears as strength rather than weakness? maybe the real question is not just why we cry when mad, but how do we learn to accept it?

There's a face I put on all my life

The face of an angel

I look in the mirror only to find

The face of a stranger

I found out that I have NPD and I'm happy for it

More ways to manipulate people on the road

I am walking. It cannot be otherwise

hey there! So lately I've been kinda buggin' about this nagging thought that's been overtaking my brain way more than I'd like. I'm 21, and ever since I was a little girl, my head's been swirling with all sorts of weird rituals and obsessive thoughts. But these days, it feels like they just won't chill out, you know? 🙃 It's like every time I think I got it under control, it just ups the ante. Does anyone else feel like OCD is getting worse with age? Or am I just being dramatic here?

i remember when I was younger, it was all about checking the locks (like 10 freakin’ times) and making sure light switches were perfectly aligned. But now, it's like a whole new level. My brain's got this talent for coming up with new, more complex obsessions. 🙈 I get super jittery if I don't carry out these little rituals perfectly, and it's exhausting. I'm seriously wondering if there's any hope in sight or if it's gonna keep ramping up? like real talk, why is my mental health acting up like an angsty teenager? maybe I just need to give in and accept it, but man, it's tough; 😅 does anyone else feel me on this? or am I just being paranoid about the whole "worse with age" thing?

I'm more than sure that I wasn't born for this

Whatever it means

I can do better

I don't know how

But I know deep down that I can do better

I'm tired

Tomorrow I'm telling my doctor the truth because I need help

I can't keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again

I'm tired

I feel like I can't help it

Am I stuck in this fucking pattern forever?

In My Place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed.

How long must you wait for it?

so i’m 31 and i’ve been slowly trying to figure out how to emotionally detach from my mom, who i’m pretty sure has borderline personality disorder. it’s been a long time coming, honestly. like, growing up, everything felt like walking on eggshells. one minute she was the most loving person ever, hugging me, calling me her sunshine, and the next, she'd flip out over the tiniest thing, crying or yelling or giving me the silent treatment for days. it’s exhausting and confusing, and even now as an adult, i find myself second-guessing everything i say to her. i’m polite, i keep things calm, but it still somehow becomes my fault. she rewrites reality sometimes, like saying things never happened or twisting my words, and i get caught in this loop of trying to prove i’m not a bad daughter. i mean, how do you explain to someone that you just want space when they think space means abandonment?

i’ve been limiting calls and visits, just to protect my peace a bit, but that guilt creeps in, you know? like, she’s still my mom. she did raise me. she had her moments where she really tried. and i can see she’s hurting too, probably scared and lonely, but i can’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm. i’ve read about this stuff, and it all matches—splitting, emotional blackmail, intense fear of being alone—but i can’t go telling her, "hey, maybe you have this thing" because it’ll just blow up and i’ll be painted as the cruel, ungrateful daughter again. sometimes she’ll cry and say i’m the only person who really understands her, and then the next day she’ll say i don’t care about her at all. it’s such a weird cycle. i’m not angry at her, i’m just… tired. like bone-deep tired. but i still want to care from a distance, just not drown in her emotions anymore. is that even possible?

so i’m asking, how do you actually detach from someone like that, especially when it’s your own mom? like, not just ignore her, but truly stop getting pulled into the emotional chaos and the guilt traps? how do you stay kind without being a doormat? i wanna keep my heart open, not harden it, but also not be this emotional sponge anymore. i feel more hopeful lately, like i’m getting better at spotting the patterns and not reacting the same way. i journal, i breathe through it, i remind myself that it’s not all on me. but is it okay to still love someone and not want them super close? is that selfish? i’d love to hear how other people have handled stuff like this. i feel like i’m getting there, just… slowly. and that’s okay, right?

Is it just me or does it feel like when you’re going to relapse your whole body gets cold. Like for me when I get urges I get cold head to toe and I’m getting tired as well when it happens idk what to doooo about it

Everytime I relapse I feel like the most pathetic and stupid person in this world

NYAHAHAHA I'M FUCKING DONE I'M FUCKING DONE I'M FUCKING DONE

MY PARENTS SEEM TO DISRESPECT MY GOAL OF WANTING TO BECOME AN ARTIST

NOBODY WANTS TO HELP ME ON ANY SUBREDDIT

I CAN'T FIND ONE SINGLE FUCKING PERSON TO HELP ME WITH MY ART BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW IF THEY DRAW WHAT I WANT OR IF THEY'RE A SCAM OR NOT

IT GOES TO SHOW: NOBODY WANTS ME TO CONTINUE MY GOALS

I SEE EVERYONE, NO MATTER HOW SMALL, GET MORE ATTENTION THAN ME, SOMEONE WHO NEEDS HELP, SOMEONE WHO GOT KICKED INSIDE WHERE THE SUN DON'T FUCKING SHINE CONSISTENTLY JUST FOR WANTING TO DRAW.

I've vented here for a month now, and I tried following advice, but IT ALL COMES BACK TO BITE ME IN THE FUCKING ASS FOR NO REASON IN PARTICULAR. I CAN'T MOVE ON BECAUSE WHEN I DECIDE TO MOVE ON AND START EVERYTHING OVER FORCEDLY BECAUSE OF SOME FUCKING CHILD TOUCHER, IT ALL BACKFIRES AND PEOPLE WANT TO AVOID ME. AVOID. THE. FUCKING. GROOMER. IT'S LIKE THAT FUCKING TROPE THAT I HATE WHERE EVERYONE LOOOOOOOOOOOVES THE BAD GUY OH BUT WHEN IT'S THE GOOD GUY OH HELL YEAH LET'S MAKE THEIR LIFE FUCKING MISERABLE

I'M TRYING, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WRONG

YOU KNOW THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY? IT'S ME

I TRY TO DO THE SAME FUCKING SHIT IN VERY DIFFERENT WAYS, INNOVATE WHILE DOING SO, EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT, AND I'M EVEN AVOIDING ALL THE RED FLAGS THIS TIME, BUT IT'S NOW LIKE "THERE'S NO THIRD CHANCE, YOU GOT GROOMED SUCKS TO BE YOU HAHAHAHAHHAHA GO TAKE A LONG FUCKING WALK OFF A SHORT PIER"

I... don't know what to do anymore

I try to improve in art, but it never works

I try to improve as a person, but highly ludicrous bullshit happens just to make me feel miserable

I just... wanted to be like my favorite artists, that's all. There's no harm in that, right?

But now... I just can't even put myself to respect anyone

I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN PLANET

WHY IS EVERYONE LIKE THIS TO ME

I CAN'T

WHAT DO I EVEN DO AT THIS POINT

Move on and let go or die trying you too nosy for your own good huh? You think you are helping when in reality you are just making up excuses trying to find ways to put me to hell? "Creating scenarios in your fcking head? You think you know everything you can't even see me in person without insulting when u gay af as well

Don't concern yourself with things that doesn't concern you like my wifi. Don't concern yourself with how stable it is if it's not crying. If you want to be a superhero erase my debt if you please :)))). Don't concern yourself with things that doesn't concern you coz after all it produces so much x100000000 damage than it could help someone. Unless we have talked in person that we be the only time it would be cleared but then again if you already judged someone already on your head no amount of explanation can heal yourself of judgements. Might as well don't give a dck about it if you please lol