Health and Wellness Failures Stories

God!! I am just so fucking ugly!!! Why is it that I can feel so good about myself one moment and then so terrible the next. Im genuinely on the verge of tearing out my hair. I don’t know how to fucking explain how I feel, I don’t know what to say, my brain feels foggy, I hate whoever that ugly ass slime in the mirror is, and I barely have any friends- the ones that I do have probably have plans to leave me anyways. I don’t know who I am, what I like, what colleges i’m going to go to, what job I want, any of my aspirations. I feel like the little things that I do know about myself aren’t even significant enough to tell people who I really am. I have a sense of my being, but at the same time i’m clueless. I try, I do, but in the end I feel like nothing I do amounts to anything. I feel trapped. I try to do one thing, ope, You’re too ugly to wear that! I try another thing, Sorryy… sucks, but, you are actually retarted and don’t know shit. My skin is constantly breaking out, i’m constantly bloated, I feel fat, my clothes are uncomfortable, I look like a whale, I don’t know how to act around people. I just cannot simply exist without my brain eating at everything I say, do, or look like. Am I give the right impression? Why do I care so much? “Oh just don’t, it’s so easy” i’m sorry but don’t you think i’ve tried?! I’ve tried so hard not to let my view of myself get in the way of how I act, or how I believe people perceive me. I’ve tried so hard i’m so exhausted. I wish I could cut open my arms and let my emotions flood from the wounds and bleed into every written word because nothing I seem to say truly displays how my heart really feels. Probably because i’m not entirely sure myself. I know it’s a problem, i’m sorry, where is my instruction manual to function like the rest of society? Why is it that I feel i’m doing everything wrong and everyone else has it right? Im not just saying my life sucks and everyone else’s is better, but even the people who have it rougher than me, they seem to know how to live life more efficiently. I kind of just feel like i’m floating through space. I know how to avoid the asteroids- I know what to do right, never do anything wrong- but that’s it. I’m just kind of existing while life happens around me. I am not actually enjoying myself. I smile, I laugh, yes genuinely a lot of the time, but after the fact? What do I do? I’m an awkward little inexperienced girl who has no clue about anything. I feel trapped. I want to shut down but at the same time I know I need to go to college, so I do the bare minimum for A’s, knowing damn well that even if I have good grades, act right, play sports, i’m still not doing enough. Nothing is ever going to be enough. I can want to do something that sounds fleeting in the moment but all motivation is lost when my world feels like it’s crashing down around me. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to like myself. Whatever that means. Whatever any of this means, I truly do not know. I feel like I truly do not know much these days.

lately, it’s like i’m walking around in my own body but everything feels off. like im not really here, like someone swapped out the real me and left this weird, tired, distant version behind. i still do all the same things—wake up, go to work, see people, even laugh at jokes—but none of it feels right. there’s this weird fog in my head, and even when im smiling, it doesn’t feel real. i keep thinking back to how i used to be. more energetic, more excited, more… alive, i guess. but now? now i just go through the motions and hope no one notices how weird everything feels inside. it’s like my brain is on autopilot and i’m just watching. and what’s worse is i can’t even explain it properly when someone asks what’s wrong? cuz i don’t know. i don’t know when it started, or why, or what triggered it. all i know is that i don’t feel like myself anymore—and that terrifies me.

some days are worse than others. sometimes i wake up and for a second i feel okay, like maybe today’s the day it breaks and i’ll feel normal again. but then something small happens—like i forget something stupid or someone says something in a tone that hits wrong—and boom, it’s back. the emptiness, the disconnection. i try to force myself to do the things i used to love. music, movies, friends, even food. but they don’t hit the same. i keep waiting to feel something spark again, something that says “yes, this is you,” but it just… doesn’t come. nd the more i try to force it, the more fake i feel. like i’m pretending to be okay because im supposed to be okay. i mean, nothing major is happening, i have a roof, a job, people around me. but still, this weight sits on me like i’m broken in a way no one else can see.

i thought maybe it was stress. maybe burnout or something. or maybe it’s just one of those phases people go through when they’re figuring stuff out. but it’s been weeks now, maybe even months, and i still don’t feel right. i’ve started pulling away from people cuz i don’t know how to be around them when i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i cancel plans or show up and zone out the whole time. nd it’s not that i don’t love my friends, i do. but i feel like im watching myself from the outside, doing and saying what i’m supposed to, while inside i’m just numb. or sad. or tired. or all of it. nd it makes me feel guilty too. like i’m wasting time, ruining things, making people worry when i don’t even have a good reason. so i just say i’m fine, just tired, hoping no one digs deeper, cuz i wouldn’t even know what to tell them if they did.

i just want to feel like me again. i want to wake up and not feel like i’m bracing for something i can’t even name. i want to look in the mirror and recognize what’s behind my eyes, not this dull, distant look that doesn’t match the person i remember being. i miss that version of me—the one who laughed loud without forcing it, who got excited over small things, who didn’t feel so... out of place in her own life. i don’t know how to get back there. or if i even can. but i’m trying. slowly. some days, just getting out of bed feels like progress. and maybe that’s all i can do right now. keep trying, keep showing up, even if i feel like a ghost of myself. cuz somewhere deep down, i know i’m still here. i have to believe that. even if i don’t feel like myself right now... maybe, someday, i will again.

i’ve been in such a crap mood all day and honestly, i don’t even know why. nothing major happened, no huge fight or drama or anything, but everything just feels off. i woke up already annoyed, didn’t sleep great, and since then everything’s just… bugging me. like the little things are extra loud today. someone chewing too loud, my phone buzzing too much, even the way the light hits my room feels wrong. i know i should be doing something to fix it, but i don’t have the energy. i’m just here, sitting with this heavy, angry, sad, whatever feeling, and i hate it. but i also feel stuck in it.

i tried scrolling on my phone to distract myself, but it just made me feel worse. everyone’s out living their perfect lives, smiling with their friends or doing something exciting or sharing motivational crap that makes me wanna scream. i don’t want to be inspired right now. i just want to feel normal again. not like i’m about to snap for no reason. not like i’m five seconds away from crying even tho i couldn’t tell you why. and the worst part? i don’t feel like i can talk to anyone about it. if i say "i’m just in a bad mood," they’ll say "you’ll get over it." cool, thanks, didn’t think of that 🙄.

i keep thinking, maybe if i go outside or clean my room or write something down, i’ll feel better. but i can’t even make myself start. everything feels pointless and dumb and like too much effort. i tried listening to music and even that annoyed me. the songs were too slow or too loud or too fake happy. i feel like i’m just stuck inside this bubble where nothing feels right. and honestly? i hate being like this. i don’t wanna be the moody one. i don’t wanna waste a whole day feeling like garbage. but i don’t know how to snap out of it.

it’s not like this is the first time either. i’ve had days like this before, where it’s just all too much and nothing helps. but i thought i was getting better at dealing with it. i guess not. right now, i just feel like everything’s slipping and i don’t know what i need. food? sleep? a hug? to scream into a pillow? maybe all of it. maybe none of it. all i know is that i’m tired of pretending like im fine when im not, and tired of not knowing how to fix it.

so yeah. how to get out of a bad mood? honestly, i have no idea. not today, at least. maybe tomorrow i’ll feel better, maybe not. maybe i’ll wake up and feel lighter or maybe i’ll still be dragging this weight around. i just hope it passes soon, cuz feeling like this makes everything harder. and i just want to feel okay again. not amazing, not perfect—just okay would be nice. is that too much to ask?

I have about 4.6g of benadryl I'm prepared to take. Give me a reason not to. Not the stupid bullshit of "it'll get better" because it's not, my mental health is getting worse, my physical health is getting worse, and my thoughts have just been getting darker and darker. I'm stuck with my trauma, there's no getting around the ptsd, I can't get help for myself and when I try to reach out I just get told that I've gotten all the help they can give. The only other option really is getting committed but I would literally rather die than get committed and have to deal with everyone finding out + the costs. What reason do I have to live? I have my girlfriend but I just cause her more problems than the ones she already has, she's about it. My parents don't really care about me, and I use and manipulate my friends too much they'd be better without me being around.

Most of my life I've had mental illness and other issues, due to trauma and genetics. Despite the many efforts and treatments from therapy, my anxiety and depression has worsened. It has lead me to become a somewhat dishonest person. I'm 24 years old, but still have no idea what to pursue job/career wise. When people ask, my responses include near future plans to enter a college/job or answers that I'm still looking into it. Neither are true. After talking with many others to get advice, working on my confidence and skills, taking work quizzes, having a job, etc. There was absolutely nothing that peaked my interest enough to go for it. I already have given up, but feel that no one will understand and keep pushing me to find something when there's nothing to find. Something must be terribly wrong with me because, my dream life is to be unimportant to the world and be alone. A life where no one is expecting anything of me and knows nothing about me and won't ask. I know people need jobs to survive, but I don't even care to survive, either. Not even that motivates me to work. My current job is to care for my close relatives children while they work. I love them and we have so much fun, but they are so difficult to care for at the same time. The youngest has food aversions and is not caught up on mental or vocal development for their age. My current guess is that they have autism. The reason I think this besides the similarity in the symtipms is because the older sibling has asperges and a mood disorder and adhd, the oldest child had Adhd as well. It just runs in the family. It's immensely difficult to navigate. Right now, It's only 2 hours a day, but in the summer when schools out, I will more than likely become overwhelmed. In the end of the summer, I'm planning to move away, but don't want to tell anyone where I'm going out of the embarrassment. Maybe, it's right of me to be embarrassed because I'm willingly putting myself into homelessness ans giving everything away to go to a homeless shelter. There is no intention of ever becoming not homeless. I'm tired of living with people who need rent money and need me to work and know what I want to do with my life when all I want is to be able to survive and show kindness and respect to others. That's literally it. I'm not looking to be in relationships or reach huge milestones. Idk why I'm never motivated to be like everyone else, but nothing has been able to change it. I convinced myself hard to be like them hoping it would force a different reality on me. It didn't. I feel like a broken person and although, I will never take my own life over it, I so just wish I could pass away some other moral way. Is that wrong of me? Is there something I should of tried that I never did? I just feel helpless and ashamed.

Hi I have a medical condition that caused me a constant chronic hiccups and its too hard to live with that even my boyfriend couldn't take it anymore

It's killing me literally

i hate it. the feeling of being seen, like actually seen, not just people glancin at you in the street or passin by, but when someone really looks at you, like they’re tryin to figure you out, like they have questions, like they see somethin in you that you don’t even see in yourself. it makes my skin crawl. i overthink every little thing, how i stand, how i move, if my face looks weird when im just existing, if my voice sounds stupid when i speak. every time i step outside, i feel like im being judged, even if no one is sayin anything. and the worst part? i know most people don’t care, i know logically they’re all too busy with their own lives to be analyzin me, but my brain don’t listen to logic. my brain tells me everyone notices, everyone sees, everyone is thinkin somethin. so i shrink, i make myself smaller, i walk quieter, i avoid eye contact, i make sure i dont take up too much space, bc the less people see me, the safer i feel. but its exhausting. always second-guessing, always panicking about the tiniest things, always wishing i could just exist without feeling like im being watched.

nd it’s not just in public, it’s everywhere. online, in messages, even around people i know. every time i post somethin, i think should i delete it? does this make me look dumb? did i say too much? did i say too little? every time i talk to someone, i replay the convo in my head a thousand times, picking apart everything i said, wondering if i sounded weird or annoying. nd it makes me not wanna talk at all. like, if i never say anything, if i never put myself out there, then theres nothin to be judged, right? but then that feels just as bad, bc i want to connect, i want to be a person, i just don’t want to be perceived while doing it. i don’t want people to have opinions on me, to see me one way when i see myself another, to misunderstand, to assume, to put a label on me i don’t want. nd maybe that’s the problem. maybe i dont even kno who i am without other people’s perception, nd that’s why it scares me so much. bc what if i don’t like what they see? what if they see the real me, and i don’t even know who that is?

man, i swear, i cant do this anymore, i feel like im just existing and nothing matters, like no matter what i do, its just the same thing every day, wake up, feel like shit, go to work, pretend im fine, come home, sit in my room overthinking everything, then go to sleep just to do it all over again, like what is even the point, im so tired, like not just sleepy tired but that deep inside tired that dont go away no matter how much i rest, i feel empty, i feel like nobody even notices me, like i could just stop talking and no one would even care, maybe they’d be relieved, maybe im just annoying, maybe im the problem, i try to tell myself its just a bad phase, that ill get over it, but i been saying that for so long now and nothing ever changes, people say "just talk to someone" but what do i even say?? hey, im miserable and i hate my life and i wish everything was different but its not and i have no idea how to fix it?? yeah, sure, that sounds real normal, theyll just tell me to "stay positive" or "it gets better" but how do they know that it gets better when every day just feels worse, i feel like im stuck, like im trapped in this life i dont even wanna live, and i dont see a way out, i see people happy and i wonder how they do it, how they wake up and actually look forward to things, bc for me there is nothing, i dont have friends, i dont have family that cares, i dont have a future that looks anything but miserable, and no matter how much i try to pretend like im okay, im not, and i havent been for a long time, i feel like a failure, like everything i touch falls apart, like no matter how hard i try i always end up back at zero, people say im young and i have time, but what does that even mean?? time for what, more of this, more feeling like i dont belong, more pretending like im fine when im screaming inside, im so exhausted, and i just want it to stop, i dont even know what that means anymore, all i know is i cant take it anymore, i keep thinking maybe something will change, maybe ill wake up one day and things will feel different, but they never do, and im scared they never will, bc honestly, i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this, its like my body keeps going but my mind checked out a long time ago, nothing makes me happy, nothing excites me, i see people making plans for their future and i dont even know if i want a future, bc what if its just more of this, more feeling alone, more failure, more emptiness, i try to distract myself, i try to push it down, but it always comes back, the feeling that im not meant to be here, that maybe i was never supposed to be here, that maybe im just wasting space, and i know, i know, people say "you matter" but do i really?? bc it dont feel like it, and i just dont know what to do anymore.

I don’t know how people do it. Like, just live without constantly feeling like they’re behind on everything. I spent years studying, working my ass off to get a degree, telling myself it would all be worth it in the end. But now that I’m finally starting my career, I feel like I missed everything else. I see people my age who are already settled, married, some even have kids, and here I am—just getting started, but already exhausted. I don’t even know if I made the right choices anymore. I wanted this, right? A good job, stability, a future. But what’s the point if I have no one to share it with? Every day, I wake up, go to work, come home, eat alone, sleep, and do it all over again. And yeah, I know, “It takes time,” “You’re still young,” blah blah blah. But when does it actually start feeling good? When does it stop feeling like I’m just surviving instead of living?

The worst part is, I want a family. I want love, I want kids, I want a home filled with something real. But it feels like an impossible dream now. Dating is a joke. Either guys don’t take me seriously, or they’re already settled with someone else. And then there’s the career part—if I do find love, if I do get pregnant, what happens to my job? I worked too hard to lose everything just because I want a family. But I also don’t want to wake up at 45 and realize I waited too long, that I let my best years slip away because I was too scared to make a move. I see women balancing it all, and I wonder how the hell they do it. I can barely keep myself together, let alone raise a whole child. And what if it never happens? What if I really do end up alone forever? No husband, no kids, just a job that doesn’t care if I exist outside of my work email. The thought of that keeps me up at night, makes my chest feel tight, makes me wonder if this is just how life is supposed to be for me. And if it is? Then depression sucks.

And what makes it worse? The fact that no one really gets it. People say “just put yourself out there” like it’s that easy, like I can magically force myself to meet the right person when I barely even have the energy to get through the day. They tell me to “enjoy being single”, but what if I don’t? What if I don’t want to spend my weekends third-wheeling my married friends or pretending to have fun at social events just to feel like I belong somewhere? I keep scrolling through pictures of people my age, smiling with their babies, celebrating anniversaries, moving forward in life, while I feel completely stuck. And the worst part is, I don’t even know how to fix it. I can’t just quit my job to chase love, and I can’t force love to happen just because I want it to. So what am I supposed to do? Just wait? Just keep hoping something changes while I feel like I’m running out of time? Because right now, it feels like no matter what I do, I’m always too late for everything that actually matters.

I am sorry that I'm here again to vent about the same things, but I have nowhere else to go, no one to talk to IRL. No one. I wish that that was an exaggeration- if you haven't seen things I've said before my previous posts (I think others can access them here? I can't tell, if not, oops) they have more detail of things. I just really, really needed this out, especially after an awful day with my doctor trying to take away medication that I need to live. She ultimately didn't, I fought too hard and gave her nothing that would let her, but it was clear she wanted to take everything from me just because I live different. Am different.

Home.

That's all I want, is to be able to sit in my room, or on the couch in a place and know that I'm home. I'm supposed to be here, I have safe people around me, I belong and am wanted here. To not feel like, every second of everyday, every moment I'm just waiting for someone to hurt me in some manner. For the government to do or try to do more to declare me unworthy of life.

I am intersex and trans, the government is trying to kill us off, you cannot deny it. If you genuinely still think you can, you're either blind or evil. Or both.

It is, Trump and his cronies are, trying to kill us. He's declared us not to exist, yet also says we should die, is doing anything in his power to make our very existence in itself a crime when all we want is to be ourselves and to live like everyone else. My state in particular just took trans and intersex people out of the Civil Rights Act, so the moment he would succeed, my life would be forfeit.

I'm mixed race, and look at the act from the 1700s he just enacted, allowing him to deport whoever he wants despite being a citizen declaring them dangerous aliens, create internment camps. Look at it. How long until he imprisons and deports lgbtqia2p people as a whole?

We have seen how this goes before, yet no one is stopping it, there are people outside the US blaming all of the country (even us who have been screaming for help and who screamed for people not to let him win) for it. We are just as culpable to them, so there's no chance we'll be granted asylum if we tried to flee. Not until we're being slaughtered in the streets.

I never really felt at home in this world at all, as a whole, I am going to die a slow and painful death under this regime and there's no way around it. As I said, I'm intersex and trans, also disabled and chronically ill. So many targets on my back. I keep begging for help to get out and everyone just tells me I'm, "not valuable," as a citizen so I need to become it or perish really.

Yes, I've been told straight up I am not valuable- even by other transfolk.

My own community is leaving me (and others like me), in the dust because I'm disabled and intersex, because I need "too much" help. Because I am "too much." Again, actual quote.

I just want to be healthy, figure out what I need to do to feel better, get everything back on track so I can study forensics like I wanted. Either anthropology or psychology. To get the hell out of here, away from the people hurting me (within my home and in the country) and find someone who loves me, who will protect me and vice versa, maybe make the loving family I never got to have. I want to adopt, I am infertile, children with a spouse and maybe run some sort of cat cafe. I don't know. I have so many dreams, so many wants, ranging from quite simple to more complex.

I want to live, and I barely even got to yet, trapped with abusive "family" that deliberately kept me sick and sad and dependent so they could do who knows what. I still don't know what their goal was ultimately.

Why do I have to justify my existence? Why do I have to be valuable to deserve to live, to deserve to smile, to deserve anything? Why do the beliefs of people that think a "loving god" flooded the world just because he was angry at his own creations, who apparently is the god of mercy yet wants to kill anyone who doesn't believe in him, matter more than a living breathing thing people can SEE?

I don't even know what I believe anymore. I was raised Evangelical on my dad's side, Catholic on my mother's, had the rapture shoved down my throat starting age eight and had my aunt try to exorcise me at fifteen or so for clear signs of abuse and just... Being me. Why are the opinions of people like that worth more than lives?

... Home.

I just want to go home, but I don't know if that ever existed for me in the first place, or ever will. I wish so badly I had someone to take me there, someone I trusted to go to for refuge, but I don't.

If it wasn't extremely unsafe and 99.9% likely to end in disaster, I'd start begging random people on the internet from better countries to come and smuggle me there (so to be clear I am NOT DOING THAT I just wish so badly I could get out of here...).

i swear i dont even kno whats wrong wth me anymore. i just cant stop. like it dont even make sense?? one second im fine, just sittin there, and then boom, tears. no reason, no warning, just happns. nd then i try to stop but it makes it worse. my chest feels tight, my throat hurts, my eyes all blurry, and i just sit there like an idiot wth my face all wet like a dam broke inside me or somthing. i try wipin them away but they just keep comming. i hate it, i hate it so much. like wtf am i even crying for? i dont even kno anymore. everything? nothing? both? its like my brain just gave up tryna hold it all in and now its like “ok time to cry FOREVER i guess.”

i keep tellin myself “stop, stop, stop” but it dont work. even when im out, like in public, it still happens. i be in class, tryna focus, then my eyes start burnin and im like not now, pls but nope, the stupid tears dont care. nd then i gotta pretend im rubbin my face or lookin down at my phone so no one notices, but i know they do. people glance at me but no one says nuthin, which makes it worse bc like… do they not care or do they just not wanna deal wth me?? probly both. nd then i get home thinkin maybe ill feel better but nah, soon as im alone it starts again. like wtf body can u just chill?? i get it, life sucks, but can we NOT be a leaky faucet 24/7??

nothin even helps. music? just makes me cry harder. tv? reminds me of stuff. sleeping? HA, as if. my mind dont shut up even when i close my eyes. i lay there all tired but my head keep spinnin, thinkin bout every dumb thing, every mistake, every stupid moment. nd then i get mad at myself, like why am i even like this? but then i start crying AGAIN bc i feel bad for myself which is so dumb. i dont even kno if its stress, sadness, anger, or just my brain bein broken. maybe all of it at once.

i just want it to stop. i want a break from feelin like this, from bein this. but i dont kno how. i keep thinkin maybe tomrrow will be better, maybe i just need to sleep, maybe i just need time. but then another day comes and it’s the same. nd i start thinkin, wht if this is just how it is now? wht if i never stop? bc honestly, right now? i really feel like i never will.

Look I don’t or didn’t know what to put as the topic. However; day by day, hour by hour, year by year, month by month I’m less ok. If your anything like me it’s hard to tell someone or even talk to a trusted adult about what your going through. I may not know you but welcome to whatever this fuckin thing is… life is mysterious yet hurts because you never know what will happen. My parents want what’s best for me yet I don’t know what’s best for me, I don’t have a path. I don’t have a journey to follow, I’m going with the flow going day by day not knowing where I’ll end up or how I’ll feel by the end of the day. I mean fuck, I skipped work and got so drunk I just needed to feel something, I needed to feel like I could feel things again. Yet it didn’t matter it didn’t help, getting drunk or high won’t help.. sadly… I’m terrible with talking to people I’m awkward I’m socially awkward I’m anxious and scared and anything possible. I know I need to find what I’m good at but it’s like everyone around me isn’t rooting for me, but is pushing me to do things I can’t do or I don’t want to do. Don’t let that happen to you. Because you need to follow your heart, your head, and follow your own path not one someone forges for you, not one someone is forcing you to do. Follow whatever you want to do. Never feel pressured to do anything, take your time and soon enough you will end up ok. Maybe not today, or tomorrow or a week from now fuck maybe not even a year from now but we were all brought onto this earth to do smth we just need to find out what.

There are times where I get a thought and it makes my anxiety go up to like 50% more than usual. I don’t know why this happens and it drives me insane so I try not to think about it, but it keeps coming back and I don’t know what to do when this happens. I don’t know what triggers it either. It just happens. It does go away in day or two, but when it starts, it makes my heart raise up and my mental health goes to a different place. I have good strategies but there are times when I’m at work or doing something social that it comes again I don’t know the trigger, but I am working on it. if anyone has any advice when this happens to me or tell me their story, please let me know. Thank you.

man, i dont even kno what to say. like seriously, nothing matters anymore. i wake up, i do what i gotta do, i go to sleep, repeat. its all the same, every day. nuthing exciting, nuthing different, just the same boring ass life over and over. people talk about goals n dreams n all that bs but like, what for?? u work ur ass off just to be tired, just to pay bills, just to end up at the same place. so why even bother. i tried to care, i really did. but caring just make things worse bc u get disapointed, u get hurt, u get stress over things that probly dont even matter in the long run. so i stopped. now i just do what i need to do to get thru the day, nothing more, nothing less.

ppl say oh u just need to find somthing u love but what if i dont love anything. like fr, theres nothing that make me wanna get up in the morning. job? boring. school? waste of time. hobbies?? dont even have those anymore. use to try stuff, sports, music, even stupid things like learning to cook or whatever, but i sucked at all of it so whats the point. why keep trying when u kno u gonna fail. and dont even tell me "just work harder," bc working harder dont mean sh*t if u have no talent in the first place. so yeah, i gave up. not like in a dramatic way, just like, i dont put energy into anything anymore.

i see ppl all excited about stuff, making plans, talking about there future like they actually got things figured out. good for them i guess. but i dont see that happening for me. future just seem like a long ass road of more of the same bs. wake up, work, sleep, repeat. its like life is some game i never wanted to play but im stuck here anyway. so now i just stoped pretending. stoped acting like i care when i really dont. maybe one day somthing will change, maybe not. honestly? dont care either way.

It starts small. So small I almost don’t notice it at first. Just a tightness in my chest, like I’ve forgotten to breathe properly. My thoughts get a little louder, a little faster, like someone pressed fast-forward on my brain and now it’s running ahead of me, out of control. I try to ignore it, tell myself it’s nothing, that I’m fine, but my body has already decided otherwise. My hands feel weird, kinda tingly, kinda numb. My stomach twists into knots, and suddenly I feel like I might throw up, even though I haven’t eaten anything in hours. But the worst part? No one around me has a clue. I could be sitting in a room full of people, having a completely normal conversation, nodding, even laughing at the right moments, and no one would know that inside, I’m barely holding on. That’s the thing about a silent anxiety attack—it doesn’t look like what people expect. There’s no hyperventilating, no shaking, no obvious signs. Just me, stuck in my own head, trying to act normal while my body is screaming at me that something is very wrong.

I’ve gotten good at hiding it. Too good, maybe. I’ve had these episodes since I was a teenager, and over the years, I’ve learned how to perform through them. I know how to keep my voice steady even when I feel like I can’t breathe. I know how to smile and nod while my heart is pounding so hard I swear it’s about to explode. I know how to keep eye contact, to ask the right questions, to seem present, even when my mind is looping through the same terrible thoughts over and over again. What if I pass out? What if I embarrass myself? What if I just lose control completely? And the scariest part? No one ever notices. They just keep talking, keep moving, keep living their lives, while I sit there drowning in my own head. And then, just when I think it can’t get worse, the exhaustion hits. Like my whole body just gives up after the fight. My muscles ache, my brain feels foggy, and all I wanna do is sleep, but I know when I wake up, it could all happen again.

I wish I knew how to stop it. I wish there was a switch I could flip, some way to tell my brain, hey, chill out, nothing’s actually wrong. But logic doesn’t work when anxiety takes over. People say things like just breathe, just relax, but they don’t get it. If it was that easy, I wouldn’t be feeling like this in the first place. I try grounding techniques, counting things in the room, touching something solid, focusing on sounds around me. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t keep living like this, constantly waiting for the next wave to hit. Because that’s the worst part of anxiety—it’s never really gone. It’s always just waiting, lurking in the background, ready to take over the second I let my guard down. And honestly? I don’t know if I’ll ever be free from it.