Anonymous Venting for Mental Health and Emotional Support

I used to believe that after my skin were nothing, hollow and I wanted to tear my skin out just to see if there were nothing or not, it wasn't really an utter belief but like 99% of it. I still believe it sometime, this skin doesnt feel human, they're not, too artificial to be one, im not human, but not a robot, im a doll, I act like one, its loose once you observe it. Slack if you notice. My mind is not of my own, it whisper to me with a languange i know and dont know, I have to decode quickly to understand. This body is clay, its not human, this body is a doll, its not a human, everybody feels like a doll but logic says differently but I dont believe what they say until I see the flesh, I NEED to see the crimson to believe it, will i? Or will I think its fake again? My "loved one" faces are different, distant and artificial, theyre not them, theyre not people I know. Observing further for more than 3 seconds break my perception of such experience, something beyond my consciousness is controlling how I see things, they want me to think that its them when its not, you can clearly see it, its so obvious! Yet I pretend to act for them, theres no believer here, only the theatre remained, the voice is like a machine repeating words my loved one said, the movement is too doll like to be an actual human, an animal doesnt move like that, i know that for sure! They move freely but my loved one does not? Its weird. The face, its like the fabric felt, its inhumane, everybody else doesnt have that, just my loved one, theyre not them. Somebody is trying to trick me, somebody not human, is it God? God won't do this right? Of course mercy is not bestowed upon me, but one will not give much more suffering right? I, am a sinner after all, yet I believe him, is that not enough? Is anything I do not enough? Everything i do is nonsense, my belief is just not enough for God to give me such presents. Surely, only the sinner will get such suffering, such immeasurable test are not for the loyal are they or does God think I can withstand such torment? Does he want me to bite my flesh off? See my own blood to see whether im genuinely human or not? Is it that? But the knife are scary, I cant even cut vegetables! Im scared but why such torment are to be upon me? There's no others reason except of insanity. The ringing calls me to do it, this body is not mine to control, i cannot do it, something preventing so, is it want to live? Is it not? You too shall question that should you but you dont, why be silent all of the sudden? You always talk in language I cant comprehend, or rather im not hearing you at all? How do I explain this in text? Another voice but incomprehensible unless I hear it yes! A subtle ringing in my ears, tell me opinion, debate with me, and sometime get loud, its clearly just thoughts, like im debating myself! Im not hearing things! Its only the conciousness beyond me, beyond my understanding of normality that tell me do so! And how coud i say no? Its going internally, its clearly not a hallucination!How long was it again 1 month? 2? 3? I don't remember the feeling of wanting to tore my skin off to prove to myself, an urge thats only controlled by distraction, incredible that I have stayed for that long without a scar is it not? Its coming back to me how strong that belief was, I still am in string with it, its not thoughts of 24/7 no but this skin is not what it is, its not biological, you cannot tell me it is, you think i havent tried grounding before? I have, i have, i have, nothing work and really what's the point? Does it matter really, I'll still be "alive" dont worry! Once I try you'll see there's nothing behind it, it act like plastic, is it supposed to be? I think so, im only using my fingers, theres no harm in doing so is it? There's nothing behind it, no blood so why would it damage such body? It may hurt, of course it would. I just taken my antiphyschotic after writing this.

You know. I have believed my attempt worked before too and this is all just purgatory. But that one was less convincing, the body part was really convincing though. The mirror me is different, im looking at stranger, THATS NOT ME, cant you see that? Look at it! The face is not even mine, that body is not mine, its a complete stranger i dont know. seometime i feel like the ringing might be God telling me to rip my skin off to see how he has made me as a sinner, he has me plastic because of my sins cant you see that? The ringing tell

me to end myself, i have indulged in too much sins they say.

It somehow comforted me, the question has been answered, I can lay in peace but can I?

God hasn't confirmed that ill lay as dirt, I'll do his command once I have confirmation

September 13

I went to my sigma's halftime show last night and lowk I could NOT stop looking at her, everything from the uniform to her performance was absolutely amazing. my friends lowk made fun of me but I feel foolish. I mean how did someone like me get to someone like her?

codenames: Baguette (boy best friend), Circle (his girlfriend)

I know she hates me. My boy best friend's girlfriend. Maybe thats why hes spending time with her today. but he did say that he'd call didnt he?

i've been friends with baguette since near a whole year consecutively, and before that i was friends with him for half a year before we fell apart. but we did get back together and we are very close. i would consider him one of my best friends, i dont know what he thinks of me. he recently reassured me that he would not "break up" with me as friends if circle told him to. who believes that... he also said that circle doesnt mind that he hangs out with girls and that she said "you can hang out with whoever you want, boy or girl." WHO BELIEVES THAT? who wouldnt be jealous when the boyfriend theyve had a crush on since 7 years ago finally got with them and then talks to another chopped girl more than he talks with them? i agree with my friend who says i act like his girlfriend more than his girlfriend, from his side, he talks to me more than he talks to her. baguette usually calls me the first thing after he gets home, or at least texts. he felt bad when i was sad one random day, asking me so desperately how he could help. he asks me if i hated him so many times as if it really mattered to him. he asked me if i would be sad if he died. of course i would. i would cry my eyes out. he really means so much to me and i wish i could explain that to him. did i mention how i used to have a crush on him before we became friends? well i dont anymore. ive tried my best to get rid of all my feelings in that way. i really tried to hard and i believe i have succeeded. but sometimes when he doesnt text me or when he leaves me on seen i feel worthless. i sometimes ask him, am i boring, why are you friends with me, stuff like that, and he responds with something slightly reassuring. but its not the most reassuring, because i always feel like he's lying. i've been seen with him around campus quite a bit lately, over call he would ask me to come with him somewhere after school or meet somewhere to go help with schoolwork, and i always help him. maybe a bit too much, but...i just want him to keep being my friend. and im scared that if i dont do those things i lose my value as a friend to him and...he wouldnt talk to me anymore..and i dont want that. i dont know why, he somehow manages to make me smile when i am at my downest time, but of course he isnt there 24/7 so he cant ALWAYS be there.. but when he is he makes me smile, always, whether by being cute-stupid or telling a dumb joke i feel like it's always so lightening.. but he has other friends too..i need to remember that..am i being obsessive? am i too much? am i annoying?

now back to the part relating his girlfriend. she acts nice towards me but i dont think she likes me at all, and i completely understand her. i wouldnt like me either.

Alright (I always start with alright lol), So… since 4th grade I’ve had this small friend group with 4-6 people (I’m in 8th grade). In 4th grade, we played this game where one person would pretend to be a dog owner and we would be the dogs, barking in the field during recess. But our generation(being the messed up generation that it is) made it so our whole grade started calling us furries and the Wolfpack. I was scared that kids would actually come punch us in stuff and they didn’t, but to this day I am still mad at those people that bullied us because it was just a game for us little kids to entertain ourselves with.

In 5th grade, there was a group of girls that I hung out with a lot more than my closest friends, and my friends were mad at me about this. I wanted to expand my friendships, and wanted to be good friends with the “cool kids” In hopes that they would stop bullying my friends, and if not, then me (They didn’t). My friend in the so called “Wolfpack” even already had a boyfriend (We were only 11 so I don’t know why I cared lol) and I got so jealous that boys still liked her. Like at least 5 boys in our grade had a huge crush on her, yet still barked and yelled “Furry!” At her whenever she walked by. Honestly, I was not getting much individual recognition in being in “The Wolfpack”, so I was able to make my own friends aside from this friend group! My friends in “The Wolfpack” didn’t like that I was making more friends and we had a huge screaming fight which ended up with my friend saying that I liked her boyfriend (kinda stupid in my opinion I was just jelly she had ANY man). Actually I’ll just end here and do a second part later bye y’all feel free to share your opinion so far!

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Here I Go Again haha. I told you how I fell in love with a man much older than me who showed me high expectations. He was attentive, loving, kind, everything a woman wants.

As time went on, he got what he wanted, which was to win me over, and he began to show disinterest in me.

During the process, I saw many red flags, and in that outburst, I recounted how bad it felt when he didn't talk to me. I couldn't leave him because every time I tried, it was a sadness that killed me inside, and I wasn't able to stay in bed for days, feeling very bad.

Obviously, I wasn't going to die, but it's something you don't know how to handle. Sadness, no matter how much you try to deceive yourself, exists in the chest, in the head. Even those who've been through it know that it's also felt in the heart.

I didn't know what to do to end it because the relationship continued, but I was having a hard time. I decided to talk about it, and he told me in simple, blunt words that he didn't have any feelings for me and that he just wanted to have a good time. I understood everything perfectly. What I'm thinking is that there will be a door of feelings, showing affection and love, knowing that they will leave the person later.

It doesn't matter, maybe I idealized too much. I was confused, but what all this leads me to are some questions:

Why does it hurt so much? Life goes on.

Why so much dependence on someone who doesn't show interest?

I saw my mother die with my own eyes, and this hurts me more?

I came to the conclusion that my father abandoned me when I was young. My mother, even though I was with her until the last moment, left me at a train station and left me for 14 years. My grandmother kicked me out when I asked for shelter because I was homeless!

I became a mother for the first time, and my father left me alone during the entire pregnancy and childbirth.

I wanted to start a family, but he went with another family.

My pain is the abandonment I've always suffered and I can't get over it because I met this person who gave me all the affection I never received, and I didn't want to lose her.

Obviously, throughout my horrible life, I had addiction problems, and because of this, I've gone back to using drugs almost every day. Simply put, I want to die because I fell back into a job I had, and now it's worse. If I don't have drugs, I go crazy, my body shakes, and I become violent.

The End

P.S.: Never abandon anyone. Be clear, show love, but clearly. And if you're a man, don't abandon your children. Damn you.

Hey everyone, I’m not usually one to air my personal stuff, but I really need some advice here. For the past few months, I’ve had this gut feeling that my wife might be cheating on me, and it's eating me alive. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but the signs are starting to pile up, and I’m just not sure what to do.

It all started when she began staying late at work more often. At first, I didn’t think much of it—she’s always been dedicated to her job. But then, she became super protective of her phone. She used to leave it lying around, but now she keeps it close and seems to be on it all the time, even at odd hours. And when I casually ask about her day, her answers feel...vague? Like she’s hiding something.

Then there are the little things. She started dressing up more than usual, even just to “run errands” or meet friends. It’s almost like she’s trying to impress someone. I’ve tried to brush it off, telling myself I’m being paranoid, but every time I bring it up, she gets defensive or says I’m just being insecure. It makes me feel like maybe I’m overthinking, but part of me feels like my concerns are valid.

To make things worse, I found a receipt for a fancy dinner that she said was a "work thing," but I know her company usually doesn’t do dinners like that. I keep second-guessing myself, and now I’m stuck in this loop of anxiety. I don’t want to accuse her without solid proof, but I also can’t keep living in this uncertainty.

So here I am, asking for advice. Has anyone else been through this? How do you confront someone you love without it turning into a huge fight? Should I even bring it up again, or am I just being paranoid? Any advice would be appreciated—I feel like I’m losing my mind here.

For the longest time, I’ve been stuck in this cycle of excuses. I’d wake up every morning telling myself I’d make changes, that today would be different, but by the time the day ended, I was back to square one. Whether it’s eating healthier, exercising, or even just cleaning my space, I keep putting it off. I’d tell myself, "I’ll start tomorrow," but tomorrow never seems to come.

Yesterday was my breaking point. I was scrolling through social media and saw an old friend post about running their first marathon. I remember how we used to run together, how much I loved it back then. And now? I can’t even jog up the stairs without feeling winded. It hit me like a ton of bricks—what am I even doing with my life? Why do I keep finding reasons to avoid what I know I need to do?

I looked around my apartment after that. Clothes piled up on the floor, dishes in the sink from who-knows-how-many days ago, and a gym membership card collecting dust on the counter. That’s when it finally clicked—it’s time to stop. It’s time to stop avoiding the hard stuff, time to stop pretending everything will fix itself, and time to stop being my own worst enemy.

I don’t have a perfect plan yet, and honestly, I’m scared I’ll slip back into my old habits. But I know I can’t keep going like this. If I don’t make a change now, when will I? Maybe writing this out will help me stay accountable. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re feeling stuck too, maybe it’s time to stop and take the first step. We’ve got this.

I've come to the harsh realization that perhaps, I'm not the nicest person around. In my mid-thirties, I find myself surrounded only by a single friend and a girlfriend, yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow superior to others. My lifestyle is quite reclusive; I shy away from any social gatherings related to work, and most of my routine revolves around my job, hitting the gym, smoking weed, and cycling. Traveling and cycling in the forest are my escapes, the rare times I don't feel swamped by depression.

Interacting with people, especially in groups, is a daunting task for me. The fear of turning red-faced and being judged negatively is always lurking. Thus, I avoid such situations altogether. There's a worrisome intensity in the way I live; I indulge too often in alcohol or getting high, viewing people merely as elements that enhance my own existence. My eyes wander too freely, admiring every attractive woman I come across, often blatantly flirting in the presence of my girlfriend. Even though these thoughts are never vocalized, I often catch myself belittling others or feeling utter disdain towards them internally.

I confess to being a staunch atheist, holding a disdainful view towards those who are spiritually inclined, believing myself to be smarter, better-looking, and stronger. The resentment builds whenever I see someone possessing what I desire, although I manage to keep this anger bottled up within.

Dominating these emotions is a profound sense of isolation, mixed oddly with a perverse comfort in wallowing in my misery. Sometimes, hurting my own feelings seems like a twisted form of pleasure, perhaps because it means feeling something at all.

My family background does little to lighten my outlook. My brother lives with the dark shadow of being a murderer and a former heroin addict. My father was a violent man, devoid of emotions, who ultimately took his own life. My mother, afflicted by illness so severe that she has been bedridden since my childhood, sparks a guilt within me for not taking care of her. However, I've chosen a path of self-preservation as dedicating myself to her care would consume my own existence entirely.

This life I've crafted for myself is one I despise, yet a part of me feels I shouldn't. With a good education, a well-paying job, and an undeniable appeal to women, I should feel fulfilled. Instead, I’m left feeling empty and, frankly, disgusted with myself for sounding like a self-pitying fool. What the hell is wrong with me?

Despite my efforts not to belittle others overtly, the impression that people don’t like me is hard to shake off. Loneliness is a constant companion.

If I were to join a reality show, my character might be polarizing. Would the audience appreciate my brutally honest introspections, or would they be repelled by my self-confessed arrogance and emotional detachment? It's intriguing yet terrifying to ponder how my persona would unfold under the constant scrutiny of cameras and a public audience.

I chose the friendship stories category but yeah it's related to friendship, love, family, work... I am like that.

Got lots of love to give but no one wants to have it. They want the toxic ones.

I grew up in a very religious family where our faith has always guided our lives and choices. The teachings I’ve known my whole life tell me that being gay is wrong, and yet, I feel these undeniable attractions that make me question everything. I’ve tried to push it down, to change, to pray it away, but it’s always there, a part of me I can’t ignore.

I don’t know how to reconcile my beliefs with who I am. It feels like every day, I’m torn between two worlds: the expectations of my family and faith, and the reality of my own heart. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is this something I can change, or should I even try? I’ve heard so many opinions, but deep down, I just want to know if I can truly be at peace with both my faith and myself.

If anyone has gone through something similar, or if you have advice, I’d really appreciate hearing from you. I feel so lost and alone in this struggle, and I just need someone to help me see a way through this.