Life Stories and Everyday Drama

The people in the office have rather strange notions of life. They don't know what forces they're dealing with; they live more at their mercy. I'm tired of writing so much about this, but I suspect it's because I haven't been to the office, not because I've been in my own world as much as I wanted, but because I'm trying to shape it somehow by not being there. I'm not there because of recent tragedies in my homeland. I feel that the world there is completely alien to how I understand it. They operate through group dynamics, not according to bureaucracy, but rather using it as a shield for their own forces to carry them out. Bureaucracy establishes the rules of conduct and what is permitted, thus creating a kind of arena where one survives by advancing oneself, by any means necessary. In this sense, one definitely doesn't understand what a company is, because bureaucracy serves as a guide for carrying out actions; it's the foundation for action, the basis from which groups are mobilized. In other words, what is inherent to these groups results in a way of mobilizing based on bureaucracy, within a particular form of praxis that, when compared to other groups, serves as an example of bureaucratic praxis. Otherwise, the idea that groups operate under a self-defined framework is embraced; that is, they don't become flexible but rather islands within the same organization. However, I can't explain this in a million years, precisely because such islands will fiercely resist change, since they are already defined. The consequence of these islands is precisely the need for gossip, in order to see where each group will strike, so as to carry out a practice. That is, such islands lead to gossip and a behavior that actually maintains them. It's incredible how this is seen as funny and no one does anything about it. In fact, the use of blindness to the misuse of bureaucracy is applauded as a defense, even though the matter is completely illegal and, by God's grace, complicity is complicity.

Personally, I don't know what I'm doing in a company like this. I think it's precisely because of this, because of these islands, that I'm with a girl where we're transparent, each on our own, but always together, precisely because we make our relationship unique, we make it so that we're truly there. We set aside formalities because it results in being just like this environment, and we absolutely don't want to be like that, not in any way. We're not interested in dealing with people like this, and we're fed up because it's all about appearances, and we're overwhelmed by clinging to them, by being scolded because of those prejudices, by suffering through events that are unrelated to what we committed to. We're tired of being absorbed and we don't want them. If the authorities lack the necessary competence to effectively unite us, that's not our problem, but we can't continue paying for their negligence. My friend does her best to avoid the people who want to take us in when I'm with her, and when it's my turn, I simply keep my distance. I like to be alone, and people take advantage of that, playing on the "shortcomings" of her not being with me, but I refuse because I'm with her. It hurts not to be involved in her affairs, but I recognize that she's somewhat intrusive. Besides, to do something that probably won't be significant, I won't contribute anything, and that's partly why people avoid her because she's always talking about them to others, in a way she thinks is funny, but others, precisely because of her inability to do anything and her exaggerating it, consider her narcissistic.

It's curious, but the bosses never want to be around her, perhaps to avoid revealing that they're seeking her out for some ulterior motive, given that she does indeed hold a privileged social position thanks to her skillful acquisition of material wealth and the frequency of certain things. The bosses don't want to lose her because of this ability, which could easily cause complications at the top. However, since her contributions are somewhat burdensome, this is undermined, leading to her marginalization by everyone else, who don't enjoy listening to her stories. Both the others and the bosses feel drawn in: the former to avoid losing her, and the latter for the benefits she might offer. In short, she's caught between a rock and a hard place. My boss wanted to distance me from her after she spread some gossip, but for me it was nothing more than a social grievance. Things got out of hand during an argument, and I stood firm in my position. Besides, it all turned out to be in my best interest to defend my work, while she vehemently believed it was something else entirely. Indeed, she was disoriented and didn't know what to do; she needed everyone's support.

That's when her need for support arose, and that's why she told everyone, surprisingly, in a frightened way—it's what they would have called "a complete mess." She simply acted according to her own social norms, completely disregarding her bureaucracy. My boss was totally in his own world, initially thinking I shared his principles. At least now he's understanding that I'm not on his wavelength and that I never liked her. The reason I went to him was to make him keep his word regarding a promise he had made to me, nothing more. However, his insistence on it, which wasn't transparent, made him think he had other motives, and also that he had no other option but to keep me on his side. Such a mindset is conducive to imposing his will, which is unfortunate.

I don't know how the girl is doing right now; I recently saw her in an Instagram photo posted by her boss. I can't move the girl, as long as she can radically differentiate herself from the other employees in relation to me. That is, she doesn't like to follow any formalities and needs that to be understood. This is part of her approach, where she abandons herself and gives herself over completely, thus establishing her difference from other coworkers, since she's a friend. I love her very much, but they didn't like her at the office because of it. I personally ignored her behavior; I couldn't control myself, and indeed, that always required going further, adapting to the circumstances, being timid, which was the way to achieve a moderate level of control over the situation. Furthermore, she, who is building her career, needed a life partner by her side, since she didn't have one, at least not at the office, at least not within this work environment. I don't know if she has someone else out there, the fact is that she doesn't move in accordance with others; she always moves alone, and that's quite complicated. She doesn't feel protected, at least not at the office. I don't think she'll ever leave me if she has to. I think she'll always carry me with her because I'm there to give her lots of affection, while she remains passive, receptive, and opens doors for it however she can. Without a doubt, it seems I have a place in her life, a unique one, initially, because I'm a stranger, and I've managed to overcome that, through actions, as it should be, more than with words. As a stranger, not being in the same context as her, where everything is defined and there are no gaps, everything lends itself to manipulation.

My boss, it seems, lived only for ensuring the group's image wasn't compromised. That's what he calls taking care of the group, a completely rigid thing that he tries to maintain at all costs, even playing the victim if necessary. He's definitely not someone who adheres to any principles, because for him, that would be rigid and risky for the future, for the world he inhabits. For him, being the one with the most bureaucratic power, it's considered the one who can obtain the most benefits, therefore everyone else has to fall because of him. His imposing way of doing things has caused him problems, because he acts on his own, not for the company's benefit.

Same old story with me. I'm like a broken record. I hate this. Some days I'm clearer, I can manage the flashbacks or the whatever. But other days I can't. I can't focus, I see images of things I don't want to see anymore or hear screams. Or I remember so vividly I get lost in the flashbacks for like, 3 seconds, and I even say what I'd have said, or did, during whatever moment I'm remembering. There's no Escape from it.

I hate that it's cost me so much. Of myself and ofc my pals. I just want this stuff out of my head. But that's impossible. Therapy be damned, I will always live with these memories, I know this, I've spoken to so many people with the same type of haunts, and it never, ever leaves. Will it persist to my deathbed? And always questions, stupid useless questions with no answer, but my childhood self is still asking why, how, why. Stupid! But I keep ah, keep on asking ahaha, ahhh fuckk man. fuck me. And sleeping, oh my love. My mistress(a full night's rest) fuckin eloped on my ass because I can't even get proper rest. Always screams.

Was easier when I wasn't in bed alone. Oh well. I wonder how much more of this I can take feasibly before idek. something has to change

I have been married to my husband for almost 20 years. We have kids together and have been relatively happy together- just the normal issues! I recently dropped some weight and strangely enough have started feeling insecure- which never have felt in all the years in our marriage. I just all the sudden had a sick/ empty pit in my stomach that something wasn’t right. So I started noticing things. He went to lunch with an attractive co- worker- which I was upset about and he thought it was funny. Then I noticed him being on his phone ALL the time and taking it everywhere with him. And a few nights while I was in bed I swear I saw him looking at girls online. I confronted him about it and he said it was TikTok and it was not anything. I swear I saw nudity. And so a few nights later I swear I saw him looking at girls again, and again he said I was crazy. He even gave me his phone (for a short time). But he is very good at lying and hiding things. I know what I saw. And now he will be on his phone and when I come near him I can tell he is switching out of what app or website he is on. I told him I think he has some other secret life on his phone and he just tells me I have lost it. And since then he has been disconnected, mean, ignoring me a lot of times and picking fights. So now I don’t know what to do. And then he will randomly be nice one day and buy me things. Its so up and down and before I brought anything up it was mostly all great days!

I can’t look through his phone-it’s literally always with him and he is too good at hiding things anyway. So I have no “physical “ proof “ but I just know he is being shady. I don’t want to end a 20 year marriage over this , but I don’t want to continue like this either. I feel like now that I have outed him -he has pushed me away, so who knows how long this has actually been happening and I was just naive! I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to keep looking for proof- which is literally causing so much anxiety. And part of me just wants to ignore this and make it go away and go back to how it was before.

Owning a small business, especially in New York, comes with its own set of challenges and hurdles that we must navigate daily. Recently, I've found myself neck-deep in a sea of negative online comments targeting my little establishment: completely unwarranted, I might add! It's been overwhelming, to say the least. These aren't genuine complaints from unsatisfied customers; rather, they read like orchestrated attempts to tarnish the reputation of my newly launched cafe. Given the sudden influx and uniformity in phrasing, I strongly suspect it's a competitor who's taken this underhanded approach to gain an edge over us.

Having invested significant time and energy into building this dream (a place where passion meets hospitality) it's disheartening to see how easily nameless adversaries can manipulate digital platforms for their benefit. One would expect some healthy competition but not such malice. The other day, I reflected on an old saying: "If you can't beat them, join them," yet joining hands with unethical practices is not something I stand by. It leaves me questioning: does customer trust even matter anymore when sleazy tactics undermine genuine effort? Despite maintaining high standards in both service and quality, there's this constant shadow cast by negativity that seems all too personal lately...😟 How does one fight shadowy figures with keyboards as weapons; framing every win as tainted due to unseen whispers behind screens?

A good friend of mine has DID (dissociative identity disorder). We've known eachother for about two months... and we hit it off, with a fight. Even though we've moved past that, it honestly feels like they're better off with nobody, at this point. I don't say this because I wish on their downfall--just that, I'm not any better than their past relations. I might be an improvement, but I'm not what they're looking for. I don't want them to suffer with someone who can't understand them completely, as only another system can fully comprehend what they're saying. No matter how many documents I make, how many terms I know, I won't ever truly be able to soothe their ache without having been in their skin for one day.

I've always kind of been the therapist friend, knowing just what to say to calm down a person from their crisis. I've noticed I can't quite ''handle'' neurodivergent people, and I want to change that. I want to learn, I want to be a person they can trust, a help in their life. I don't want to be a dead weight like most neurotypicals are. It genuinely hurts me every time I mess something up, every time I'm oblivious to their cries of help, every time their doubt doesn't get through my thick skull. I want to understand, to fix things about my behaviour, to stop being so sensitive over every mistake (Not to make this about me, but sometimes I do cry myself to sleep).

I wish I could ask them, but I can't. I genuinely cannot. I've got my own issues--feeling inadequate, emotional, temperamental... but I want to be atleast a little bit better for them. If anyone has any advice, I welcome it with open arms.

Alright, folks, here's the deal. I've been dealing with some heavy stuff and it's apparently confusing to people around me. You ever get to that point where you're like, 'How did we even get here?' Because that's my constant thought recently. I've got friends asking why I'm distancing myself and being all weird but honestly, it's just managing my own mental bandwidth. Like when you've been clocking in too many hours on Zoom meetings filled with endless corporate jargon and then you need some time alone to just detox. Seriously, these virtual meetings are taking a toll on my sanity sometimes with relentless pinging of notifications from work chat apps driving me up the wall. We're all in this tech-driven hamster wheel and I swear half the time I feel like shouting Basta enough already! There's really only so much 'synergy talk' one can listen to before wanting to run for the hills.

But seriously speaking (or writing rather), am I wrong for wanting some peace? For stepping back when it feels like everyone else is running towards chaos at full speed? I swear I'm not trying to be dramatic or pull off some grand gesture of withdrawal from important relationships. It's about getting back in touch with ourselves without corporate emails constantly interrupting our personal space. Just because I'm setting up a Wall of Silence doesn't mean I'm donning armor against everyone and everything forevermore... Gimme a break! 😅 Maybe instead of assuming it's something they said or did wrong I'd appreciate it if folks would consider that sometimes people just need solitude—not as punishment but as preservation. A skilled pianist knows when each note needs silence between things and right now that's what I need… a pause moment in life's noisy symphony.

It's strange, my family. I don't mean just because of the crazy shit either. Remove the gang shit, the drugs, the main plate- and I'm kind of a stranger to them. Weirdest thing.

Recap:

After it all blew over- or up, depending- and my siblings scattered too. Ended up on my own at 14.

Did what I could, when, and how. Time passes. I struggle, yeah. But I'm here. So:

About more than a decade later, very select members of my fam- mostly the distant rels- try to talk, or get in my life a bit. Here's the thing though: Even before, yk, the gang stuff- when we were a sorta normal fam- They treated me and my sister like mistakes. Not just beatings, but like, just rotten behavior. The rest? Watched.

So, naturally, we don't really speak to anyone. At all. My dad, for instance, feels guilty for leaving me in that environment. Took me a while to give him an inch, but I did. And it's been up and down. Same with grandparents: Guilt. But it's not just their conscience here, it's mine.

They come into my life, and yk, they know what they saw back then. But they seem to think they know it all. There are times I've shared some.. yk, fucked up shit. Real dark, things I seen or yk. And they look at me like they've seen a ghost. They say things like, not that they don't believe, but almost as a "Surely I'd have known about that" and its like BRO yall fuckin ran and left us behind. Maybe you SHOULD have known, but ya don't. Y'dig?

But it's not just that. Sometimes they get so..idk. Ig maybe them running off to live normal lives while me and sis got our shit rocked 24/7 sometimes prevents them from understanding that we are self made, self rescued. We didn't have help- and we didn't need it, yk, mostly, turns out.

So they come back into our lives, ask tough questions and when the answer is, circumstantially, horrific- they seem to know it all. They tell me "Ah you can't let that get you down.' Yes, good advice. Only I just told you I saw a man burn to death over 1000 dollars debt. Thats.. like wtf is that response? "Well that's unfortunate." UH??? WHA?

YOU asked ME!

If it ain't that, it's this weird misunderstanding that my struggles are trivial- idk if it's bc I'm young, and like some really stupid folk, they assume age limits your experiences- but they literally cannot understand how I'm traumatized. What's more, they're smothering me- or try to. They give off the "oh shit we really fucked him up, kinda failed, please please forgive us" but laced with a "let's try to make him who we want". And well, I don't take kindly to that. Ain't no one making me anything. Idk, does any of this make any sense?

Another thing I hate, is when they actually want to ask questions or.. talk about bad stuff, especially failures or things they did wrong, they sugar coat it, and I just.. nah. Nah bro. They treat me like this odd thing, a curious thing to look at and wonder about, and then ignore. Strangest thing really. Family is such a foreign concept to me, disgusting almost, I know that's my own experience but fuck, man. I think what's going to happen is imma make my peace and dip. They want control, they want to be nosey so they can judge. They want to ask questions and pick them apart, but shrink when the answer is given. That's like asking a vet if he's killed a man, or a paramedic if they've seen a man die, and getting disturbed when they say yes.

Idk. I guess I just didn't expect my entire bloodline to be a punch of spineless cowards.

Or, if it's not that,

OMG, I can’t believe I'm even writing this... So, we had this huge argument yesterday that was like about nothing. Literally, it was over which TV show to watch. 🤯 My boyfriend just blew up and got really aggressive (again!). He actually hit me: it's the second time now. WTF?! Like seriously, who does that? I'm just sitting there stunned and thinking 'is this really happening??' He's usually so sweet but when things don't go his way he flips out. It's hard because I care about him but man, I’m not gonna accept being treated like this anymore. Ugh, there's all these feelings swirling around but one thing is clear: I've got to do something about it.

Honestly y'all, I'm kinda scared and confused at the same time 😩 Trying to imagine a future without him feels bizarre; yet facing a reality where violence becomes a norm isn't an option either. And yeah my mom would say leave... but it's not straightforward...or maybe it is? Why does love have to be so complicated though? Cuz deep down somewhere in me there’s hope he'll change but also a fierce need for self-respect screaming 'get out while you still can!' 😡 Going between feeling mad at myself for trusting him initially then back to missing the good parts of our relationship... my brain is literally on a rollercoaster here! Seriously though (and most importantly) standing up for myself matters more than anything else; I deserve better ✌️

so, i'm 21 and kinda at a crossroads here? i’m a girl and have been in a relationship with my amazing girlfriend for a while now. we vibe so well together. recently, she brought up the idea of having a fun night with her best friend who happens to be a guy. the thing is that she was super clear about what she meant: it wasn't just going out for drinks! 😊 yeah, that's right, like having us three bringing some extra spark to our... umm adventures?! can you see my predicament?!?!

anyway, i've never ever considered myself interested in guys but when she proposed the idea... didn't hate it; it felt intriguing!!! idek if I would call it curiosity or something deeper but part of me was interested. maybe that makes me bi or maybe it's just situational attraction?! who knows!!! i’ve read so much stuff online like Kinsey scale and labels preaching freedom and acceptance and all but they're only partly relatable?

i chatted briefly about this with one of my closest friends who identifies as pansexual herself; she's always been super supportive no matter what topics we dived into (totally love her for that). although when i tried explaining how his presence might add another layer entirely new and exciting dimension... she's convinced i'm just exploring latent bisexuality or something.

am i overthinking this or could it mean something real about myself? on one hand.. branching out seems thrilling yet daunting; anyone else experience similar conflicting feelings???? because this whole dimension is uncharted territory loaded with possibilities excitement nervous anticipation:)

having a mom who hates you is tough. i'm 17 and a guy, wishing things were different. when she admitted (while drunk) that she wanted a girl instead, it was like a punch in the gut. it's not just words; it affects everything. feeling unwanted sort of messes with your mind, you know? every conversation feels loaded with unspoken resentment, like walking on eggshells all the time. there's no natural ease or warmth which makes being around her hard. as much as i try to change her perception, nothing seems to work. trying to stay polite and respectful but it's exhausting. not gonna lie, there are times when i question my own worth 😂 what's worse is that internal doubt creeps into other areas of life too: school, friends and even future plans all feel tainted by this negativity at home.

I'm 16 now. I forgot all about Kanye and many other situationships. I have a boyfriend now. Nick and I have been together for 9 months now. He kinda gives me a reason to live. We don't argue much, we can't actually start arguments anyway. But when either of us is down or feeling tired of everything, we sort it out. Many times when I fought with my dad and aunt, i would hide in the small living room that's no longer used in my aunt's floor. I'd lock myself up and call him. He always eased me. Sometimes in the past, we had a lot of miscommunication. Mostly because he saw our future while i couldn't see my own. He'd say stuff like "don't say that" or "I won't let you". It never really solved it. He has that habit now too. But I want to believe I've talked him out of it. I still fight with my dad a lot. But now, it's politics too. And religion. Because genuinely, I'm tired of the church he brings us to. It feels like a cult. And all of the words they say contradict each one. Yet some have some ground to them. Like goverment hating us all. The political parties just being a cover up so monsters with no brain can hide under red maga hats. But the all loving God? How is he all loving if he "hates lgtbq", "hates immigrants", "hates different religions", "hates sinners"? I'm pansexual but I've only come out to a few friends and my boyfriend. So, the God I'm supposed to pray and ask for help hates me? Interesting point. Very interesting. Makes me believe that Satan was treated absolutely unfair. What? Not my fault the church is not really God and it's actually men who would rather have me a sex worker than a scientist. Whatever. The point is; Everything still tires me to the bone. I'm tired. Of pretending I like things. I hate the system. I hate the God that men have shown. I hate the goverment. I hate people who think violence is an answer to someone being different, whether it is skin tone, sexual preference or just fashion style. I hate people who think they know it all but aren't trying to see a point from all views. I hate how the victims are getting blamed while the abusers and rapists are walking free and are having good lives. I hate how sensitive I get over things around me. But am I really the sensitive one if nobody has empathy and sympathy in this day and age? How are you expecting me to think of my future and enter a society that hates me and would rather have me killed than see me walking on the street? Guess what, I don't have a future at this point. All I will see and hear is that the work I want to study and do for the rest of my life, which is chemical engineering, is not somethjing for me. Very few teachers believe that I'll actually get that job. Not just because the system won't let me, but also because I'm a woman. And a gifted one too. I ace school tests and exams like I'm playing a game. My teacher who does extra lessons to me for physics and chemistry so i can be ahead of people says he has seen brains like mine once in two decades. Maybe I sound egoistic. But shouldn't I be considering that I know what I can do but won't be able to do because of the damned stereotypes the whole world seems to hold onto for dear life? Anyway, that's mostly it I believe. Suicide still hasn't left my mind, it never did but whatever. My dad still doesn't treat it like I do but that's also never changed. The rest of the other vent is still the same. I just have Nick now being the best boyfriend ever and giving me hope everytime I fall. Love you all and thank you for sharing your points in the last vent. I did read them even though i didn't reply. Thank you all for caring.

Hi everyone! I know this is a long shot, but if anyone is kind enough to help me with $50, I would be incredibly grateful. It would really help me out right now. Thank you so much for your kindness and consideration. ❤️

It's been difficult as of late. So many struggles. Another one of mine, one that sort of brick walls me- is the loss of my Fiancee. We'd met when she was a receptionist at my doctor's office. She was gorgeous, witty, intelligent. A passion for music, and travel. A wandering soul like me. She soothed me, and gave her all to me, and we shared some of the finest and most tender moments of my life.

Things were difficult for her growing up, like myself. And, well, I can attest to what happens when you spend too much time running from old haunts. It's no easy task, especially for certain types of PTSD. We'd both come from violent families. I dealt with it my way, but for her, she drank. She wasn't like that at first. It was a gradual decline. I tried everything. For a year and a bit I worked 3 jobs to support us as she began to withdraw more and more. It broke my heart, and still does. I tried to get her family, the ones who were good and normal, to help me get her into rehab. She wasn't ready, I guess..

Eventually things got to the point she began to get very bad. Sometimes she'd throw stuff at me, yknow, she'd had flashbacks like I would. It's hard to hold it against her. I often wonder what I could have done better. We ended up splitting up for a year, and she began to slowly crawl out of that life. She finally began to get better, and then I lost her. Car accident. She was 23.

That was in 2022. We were together 4 years. She was my precious love. All this time later I haven't even visited her grave.. I can't. I can't do it. Her sister, she's very sweet, often checks on me, and we reminisce of Her. She asked me if I'd be looking into dating again. I confessed, it's difficult. I still think of Her. She understands. And, as time has gone on, my pals or my brother asks: When are you going to try and date again?

Not to rush me, but, I guess they thought by now, I'd try again. I was the best version of me, with Her. I cooked, I cleaned, I was spontaneous and always had a surprise trip, or something. We shared a garden, it was beautiful. We grew tomatoes and berries, cabbage. Fuck, what a woman. Truly special. I think I'd like to try and date again, but I'm nervous. I'm scared of losing someone like that again. I was a complete mess after she died for like, two years, just absolutely fucking destroyed. I've chatted to some gals, but I can't seem to do more. I mean I'm not one to hook up, that's not my style, but even going on dates, I just feel scared to be hurt. Strange no? Maybe? Ahh, what do I know

there's this guy im very attached to and like. But things ended like 2 years ago and i still miss him at times and feel like im going crazy all the time cuz hes in my head 24/7 which is very annoying. I have tried literally everything from no contact to no stalking and everything but after a few months i end up having crash outs from feeling loneliness and just missing him. That guy has zero interest in me. Doesnt want me. I feel like i might move on if i were to date someone else but i dont wanna date right now i just wanna focus on myself and live my life. And maybe look for a partner when i want to settle down or get married. What do i do. This guy that i really really like what do i do about it now. He ghosts me avoids me but i just wished he would block me instead of just ghosting. And kind of everything that happened between us broke me so much i dont think i'll ever even wanna be in a relationship ever again.

It's outrageous that he's working with my former boss. In my opinion, he holds the title, but I no longer see him as a boss because he's doing his own thing. I don't see it as a position that limits my work at the company, but rather as one that only gives directions and sticks to them as far as they can, which is the very definition of a boss, formally speaking. Unlike other bosses, who go beyond that, they maintain their boundaries, but you can see that desire to push beyond them, like everyone else. However, that's not the case with this crook. I feel that I'm the one who should be dealing with him, in support of everyone, so as not to give him the impression that he's being sidelined, or at least give him some leeway so that the rest of us don't become blinded as a team. I have no other choice. At least what I have to do, which is answering emails, isn't exhaustive, but I'm the one who has to keep the group going right now, and otherwise, we'll fall apart. I'm tired of having to shoulder his responsibility, because it's clear he's not focused on work, but on anything else that isn't. I live under the constant pressure to preserve his image, no matter what, because otherwise he wouldn't know how to defend himself. He always needs to be at the mercy of whatever he can defend, because going further, getting involved, is something he couldn't do; it would show he's involved in something outside himself. In this sense, he's a difficult person to deal with, because he chooses an image that relies on being nowhere, and because of this, he ends up dominating everyone, of course, out of fear of privacy, of course, out of fear that it will lead to conflict.

This kind of person isn't someone I like, and I feel like he takes away time from doing my own things, from seeing everything from a more holistic point of view. I feel like it makes it hard to write, that he annoys me in general. In fact, I'm writing right now and I don't feel like it precisely because I feel like this guy is a burden, and I wish it weren't so. I even feel like I'm running out of words and I'm searching everywhere for the strength to keep writing the way I like. With him there, it feels more complicated; I have to think more. I don't feel capable of expressing myself freely, or practicing that freedom, because it drains my energy. I miss my freedom, but despite that, I feel that he's not the obstacle right now; rather, he wasn't the obstacle in the first place.

I've been noticing that as I write, I'm opening doors to a world, one I didn't know before, where danger doesn't reign in any way. I feel like things are going better for me with the girl I'm currently in a group with because I feel like I can go out into the world with complete confidence. I feel like I can say I have a group to start out with, unlike the one at home, which is more of an exclusionary act than anything else—a constant test of whether or not anyone is being abandoned. This makes us very observant of our surroundings and eager to escape them at all costs, because we don't like being constantly tested. We're always prejudiced against falling into the wrong hands or something like that, precisely because our own families shaped us and made us face off against other family members, forming factions. In fact, their way of living with us is based on these tests, which always seem insufficient. I feel that deep down, both this girl and I hate our families because of the deep-seated distrust that's masked by those who do favors and, in my case, abandon me completely. For my part, I had to hold everyone accountable, making them directly responsible, by providing evidence of their wrongdoing towards me, so that I could be free and at peace. At least now I have a relationship with my father where we both feel like equals, as it should always have been, by God, a relationship where each of us has our own life, can excuse the other's mistakes, but without compromising the other's quality of life, thus creating a middle ground.

I've always said, and I was reflecting on this a little while ago, that being with my father somehow made me accept all my other relationships. Before, it was about each of us having the space we wanted from the other; now it's about negotiating space, and that's what I'm discussing with my girlfriend. It's about each of us having our own life, but also being able to coexist with the other because there's something that connects us, whether we like it or not. I could apply these same words to my father, but they make me want other experiences just to achieve absolute solitude, where I wouldn't have to be part of any group.

Despite everything, going it alone seems counterproductive, given that I operate on principles that challenge the culture, confront it head-on, and prevent me from offering clear defenses. Instead, I have to maneuver until I manage to escape, meaning waiting for things to happen, not knowing when to step in, until they do, to prevent my silence from being used against me. This was something this boss abused a lot in the beginning, until I managed to get him to leave. It's striking to see how, the last time I went to the office—it was a meeting, a party—he ended up completely broken, totally detached from the office group, out of place, focused on his own needs and seeking satisfaction through others. That extreme work ethic and his lack of presence, his mind elsewhere, clearly showing that he wasn't there; he was completely shattered.

I'm fed up with writing down everything I think. I don't like it because I'm always thinking, and it makes me afraid of thinking. I feel like I'm not writing in my usual concise way, and I'm relying on digital media to stay in tune with what's happening to me, to at least feel like I'm doing something meaningful with my thoughts, instead of just getting stuck there. This could also be used to be rebellious, which I don't want. For some time now, I've noticed I'm trying to understand my life more deeply. Currently, in my office group, I'm with a group of women who were against my boss. He took me in, even though he'd been trying to get me close for a while. I saw them as a way, I think, to make the group stand out socially, which isn't exactly easy to get in the office for fear of being targeted. With me, tricks are met with reprisals in that environment, given that I'm prone to them if you consider the possible connection between their public image and their own. That's why I represent security to them, and for me, the possibility of giving them affection. Of course, everything had to originate with my friend, who was the most withdrawn of all there, for that to happen. She wanted to show that her group was different, different from her, who was reserved, but that doesn't mean she should be abandoned. It doesn't imply possessiveness; quite the opposite. She fosters empathy so that I don't stray from her own image because she knows what it's like to be in that situation of expressing feelings and stepping outside of who she is. Initially, it's something difficult to maintain because people even resort to lies to survive. She needs it, and I'm not justifying her actions, but I must explain the mechanism because, whether we like it or not, we succumb to the effects of prejudice.

Everyone in that office has a tremendous fear of prejudice. I'm so tired of writing so much; it almost makes me want to stop moving around and just close my eyes forever—not in the sense of committing suicide. I write down everything I experience, and it's getting to me because there will always be things to write about. I feel chained down, I admit it.