Life Stories and Everyday Drama

Growing up my mom and my dad abused physically and emotionally me and all of my siblings. I seem to be the only one in the family who can’t stand the toxicity. 7 years ago I moved 7 hours away family continued to chase me down. (all of my family lives within an hour of each other except for my grandpa in another state) ***and recently even he admitted to making a plan in trying to chase me down to so that I would move back around my family*** a year ago I moved back in with my mom under the pretense that we were going to heal together and that my mom recently admitted she lied to me to get me to move back so that she could change me. She is disgusted that I’m Bisexual, she tells me I’m possessed with demons. I have already lost a bunch of weight since moving back and I hate it I wish I weighed more but my mom keeps trying to get me to lose more. She hates that I were makeup and take time in my day to dress myself in that way that I like I’m the only goth musically and appearance in my family and that constantly try and crush that out of me. Today my bother picks me up and starts screaming at me telling me I’m the problem in my family and that I just need to slap a smile of my face and accept things for how they are. To top that all off I’m in collage and I work and my family tries to stop me from doing school to do a bunch of labor on the property. I’m so drained. I have also been the only one in my family to get high level of care I take antidepressants, I have seen many therapist and psychiatrist to deal with all of this trauma. I am aware of my family disfunction I am not seeking advice I just need to get this off my chest in this moment because today I’m packing my things and I’m leaving tomorrow I’m going to be homeless for a bit but my peace is worth the struggle for awhile. There is so much more about the horrific things my family as done to each other and I can’t do this anymore I blocked all of my family members tonight and I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m letting go of the stress and setting boundaries and allowing myself to have the peace that I deserve.

So i used to have a huge argument with my boyfriend that really caused me to have crazy panic episode. And i ended up venting it to my friends and sending the screenshoot of what he said to me. And after the things have cool down i confess to him that i told the story to my friends and send the screenshoot to thek. And he think im crossing his boundaries by doing so and i just realise that. Now i’m filled with guilt and shame for doing that even tho he just said he’s okay with that now but i feel like i ruined the relationship like i cant stop overthinking if he’s going to dump me know because im doing such a fatal thing.

I feel like I could write an entire collection of lengthy books on all the crappy things my MIL has done in the time that I’ve known her (almost 9 years.) But I’ll keep this one recent, since it’s a holiday in America where I’m located. So this is a Thanksgiving version.

A little backstory: my spouse had a major surgery about 2 months ago, and has had minor complications after (incisions had the start of an infection, still having some bleeding). We switch off each year for Thanksgiving on which family we are going to see; last year it was my partner’s side, so this year it was my side. We see my family 2-3 times a year, whereas we see my partner’s family at least three times as often. My parents are also divorced, so when we DO go see my family, we have to spend the time traveling from house to house.

The weekend BEFORE Thanksgiving, my MIL says she wants us to make the 2.5 hour trip down to see them since my SIL who goes to college 20 mins away from us was going down that way for a concert. Didn’t really see what the concert had to do with us traveling since we weren’t going but I digress. We suggested they come up to see us, as my spouse is still recovering from surgery and it made more sense to us to not have two cars, ours and my SIL’s, drive down. We are always the ones who have to drive to THEM, not them come to us. My MIL said no, because she didn’t want to. So when my spouse tried to reason with her that it would be hard on their body to be in a car for 2.5 hours, plus we lease so adding unnecessary miles to the car isn’t smart, my MIL tried guilting my spouse by saying, “I’m not going to be around forever.” We find out from my FIL that he would be driving my SIL down to her concert which was in another state, so they would essentially be gone all day Saturday (the day my spouse and I would make the drive) and my spouse had to work their remote job on Sunday for 8 hours and then we would have to leave right after so we could go grocery shopping, do laundry, etc to prepare for the week. So we wouldn’t even see my FIL and SIL while we were there. My MIL would just sit there with us in the living room, watching Facebook reels on her phone at full volume, then go to bed at like 8:30 PM and leave me and my spouse to watch their dog along with our dog who is much smaller.

Fast forward to the Thursday before we would make the drive, and my spouse is having a lot of body pain and visits their surgeon for their 6-week post-op check up. Their Dr says they need another week of bed rest, which means we can’t go see my in laws and also means we have to shorten our trip to see my family (which is honestly fine by me because I was dreading the trip anyway.) I text in our group chat to let the in laws know, and only my FIL responds. He is a really understanding guy and was of course more concerned for his child not yet recovering, but we haven’t heard a peep from my MIL. But of course she’s been posting on Facebook.

My SIL tells my spouse that their mom, my MIL, has been texting my SIL and asking if we were still going to make the trip to see my family. As if my SIL would know or as if it’s any of her business. She also has my FIL send my spouse a text to say something like, “Just wondering if you traveling to see ___’s family is a good idea…”

Today, the day I’m writing this, is Thanksgiving day, and so both my spouse and I text in our group chat to tell my in laws happy holiday and send some photos. My FIL does respond, says something like “you’re missing all this” and sent just a picture of basic foods that we were also having. My SIL sends a text as well. But we have heard nothing from my MIL. My MIL is always complaining to my FIL—who then relays this to my spouse—that my spouse does not reach out enough, that my spouse never texts my MIL, things along those lines. But the phone works both ways—and as the parents, even though my spouse is an adult, the responsibility to maintain the relationship should be my MIL’s responsibility. Of course my spouse doesn’t feel compelled to reach out to my MIL because of the fact that she is a narcissist. They always call my spouse on Thanksgiving because my spouse says my in laws always try to ruin my spouse’s mood because we aren’t there, even though we have been switching off for the last 6-7 years.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is of course how they make my spouse feel like crap, but also the fact that my MIL is ALWAYS assuming we see my family more, which in her mind means we like them more “because they have more money” (which isn’t true). They have met my family, they know them. My dad and my FIL go camping together for a week in the summer. They KNOW me… And something else that bothers me is they told us they were going to have us “stay for dinner” on Sunday before we left. My spouse finds out from my SIL that this dinner was going to be Thanksgiving dinner. With them nearly a week before actual Thanksgiving. When it’s my in laws’ year for us to spend Thanksgiving with them, we don’t go see my family a week early to celebrate the holiday with them. My family gets they had their turn the year before and will have their turn again the next year. My in laws were going to try to sneak it in there. That’s shady to me and disrespectful to the boundaries my spouse and I have set and also disrespectful I feel to my family. Ughhhhhh it just frustrates my spouse and I.

Anyway, like I said earlier I have sooo many stories. I feel like this one is pretty tame actually. If anyone would like more (and trust me, I have been itching to spill these stories to someone) please let me know. Venting about it all does really help, but it’s not fair to my spouse to convent to them and I would never talk badly about my one family to my biological family.

Cheers friends, and to all who can relate to this, I see you and I’m sorry.

Long story short, I have an online friend whom I formed a very close bond with /p. We would talk almost everyday. A few months ago, she stopped talking to me, informing me that due to family emergencies, she is overwhelmed and needs some time by herself. I understood that and waited for her, even though, I felt very lonely. She came back for a very short time and then said she's becoming inactive again, due to more family emergencies happening. Again, I tried to understand.

She came back after her family emergencies were finally over. We started talking again, everything seemed to be back to the usual. Until 3 weeks ago, she said she needs to focus on her exams and I understood. I stopped talking in our private server altogether because that's what I always do whenever she's gone. When I trust someone, I tend to talk a lot. That's why I held myself back to not overwhelm her.

A few days after she said that, she came back, sending a voice message talking about a situation she told me before she went on a break/hiatus. But I wasn't home and I couldn't give her my full attention. So I decided to leave it for later and I forgot (For better or for worse). Then a few days *after* the VM, she messaged, saying she ruined one of her exams and she needs to delete Discord to "lock in".

When she first said that, I was very upset. Because like I said, I stopped talking to her to let her focus on her exams. I didn't want her to get distracted by my messages. I felt like she's saying it's my fault... Because I'm the person she talked to the most on Discord. Also, it begs the question what the heck was she doing when she first said she needs to focus on her exams? I thought that was her "locking in".

But also, the amount and the lengths of these breaks are getting ridiculous to me. She started talking to me only for a month (Maybe even less) before she disappeared again. I know you have to understand that your friends might need some alone time and that they're not available forever. But I'm genuinely starting to get scared :,).

The thing is, due to a lot of my past "friends" taking advantage of me, I've become very paranoid. The moment the smallest thing happens, I start to feel like that this friendship is over... I don't always talk about them to my friend because I know sometimes my thoughts are irrational. (I was paranoid even when she disappeared because of her family emergencies, which was a very valid and understanding reason :,).)

Another thing is I'm an only child and I generally grew up very lonely. So when I feel attached to someone, it's hard to let go. I'm not saying this to garner sympathy. I'm just explaining why all of this is making me panic and why my attachment to my friends can get in the way.

Seeing that the number and length of her breaks are becoming longer, I feel terrified... This particular friend feels special to me because not only she fuels my artistic side, she also has been the most understanding and supportive friend I had...

I'm not saying I don't have friends outside of social media. It's just I just found new friends after moving back to my hometown and it will take a while for me to trust them and talk to them the same way I talk to this friend. So it feels really lonely for me right now...

It's not that I'm not busy at all, I'm probably more busy than my friend because aside from classes and studying, I also have a part-time job and my university's Psychology Association. But whenever I have free time and I check Discord and when I see our private server being inactive, it really hurts...

But I still feel selfish for feeling this way... I know I should be supportive and understand my friend no matter what and not always think about my own benefits. But it feels a bit tiring to wait for so long for your friend to start talking to you again, only for your friend to disappear again.

During her hiatuses, we would sometimes send Reels to each other that were like "Thank you for being my friend!" "I'm proud of you!" and these days when I send one, she either doesn't open my DM's despite occasionally posting on her Stories, or takes forever to leave a reaction or something. She also stopped sending me any, which really breaks my heart... (Yes, she hasn't deleted Instagram. An app that is arguably more distracting than Discord...)

The other sad part is that her birthday is coming *somewhat* soon and I wanted to be next to her to celebrate. I was planning on doing a simple drawing of her OC to celebrate, maybe even VC and talk about stuff. But I have a feeling it won't get acknowledged just like the Reels...

I'm sorry I know I sound selfish and petty through this. I don't know what to do. I really miss my friend. But I'm starting to feel like maybe our friendship won't work anymore... Because I feel like after starting to talk to each other, she's gonna disappear again and I can't take it anymore. It hurts so much that I can't help but feel upset. It kind of makes me not want to talk to her if she came back... My paranoid side feels like she's found new friends and that's why she's become comfortable with leaving me behind. I'm not saying it's bad to have other friends. I'm saying I think I'm being replaced...

I'm sorry again. I feel really pessimistic about this, even when I try to not judge quickly and be understanding. If anyone has any advice for me to cope with this, I'd appreciate it.

Hi, to everyone reading this!

I have been in a relationship for the past few years, right now I'm thinking do I know my man well enough! Idk something is off maybe with me of him. So this thing has been happening for quite a while, I'm a hopelessly romantic type of person, I just love too deep from caring to taking responsibility for the person I love. I'm a very shy kind and I don't like going outside often and I definitely don't like to go anywhere alone. So at the start of the relationship my man also accompanies me wherever I go shopping and do my normal errands, but now he just doesn't like to do it I guess. When I ask him to take me to buy something he just refuses or if I go alone he doesn't like it either, and if he somehow magically come with me he just gets irritated with every little thing I do or say. I just can't figure him out! If we go into more deep I have been doing everything for him like cooking his fav meal, making him laugh, solving his money problems and even solving his family issues. I never said NO to any of his requests I'm always there for him. I love him, but when I need him he is just not there for me. Today I asked him why are you not here when I need emotional support and he said "I just can't" that he is not that emotional type of person.

Now I'm stuck here don't know what to do or think. I would appreciate any suggestions to tackle this type of situation. Feel free to scold me :)

I used to be a happy and loving person, always smiling, always happy to work my job. But ever since gambling was introduced to my life, all of that Changed. Work has been getting hard to do, I hate seeing other people, I hate doing anything. I just want to die.

I've lost faith in God, i've lost faith in friendship, relationships, even parents. Because nothing has ever helped me.

I Know it's mostly my fault, I don't blame anyone or anything. But I'm sick of living this way.

someone please, I want to stop, Please.

I feel fake sometimes like life isn't real in short episodes sometimes a few times a day the most. but I don't know why I feel like this. one second I'm fine just living the next I'm convinced nothing is real that I'm not real. it's really scary. but I don't think I'm describing it well so imma cut this short.

sincerely,

melody (13, f)

I hate college .

The course I'm doing is boring and we just do the same work over and over again and no one ever speaks up about it.

Every since the October half term I've had no help on a Wednesday. When they can be bothered to give me the help I need it's only for other one lesson or tow.

I also can't last the whole day at college due to my knee and if I do manage to last the whole day. I end up in a little of pain.

I then don't go into college at all the next day because I 'm just in to much pain and I struggle to put any weight on or through my knee.

I have also now got a date for physical therapy.

and just in general I don't know what to do anymore as I don't like and am not enjoying college and the course I'm doing and I'm debating weather or not to change course or just leave the college all together.

I hate all the lies she tells me. I hate that She says She doesn't care, she's Better off, She moved on, that she's hardned up. Because It's not true. It's lie. And she's actively trying to mend a hole he, or some body else with other things, or people or Animals. Trying to shape them into her ideals, projecting her suffiring onto them, making them pay for his mistakes. I hate that all those solid values she preached on and on for my whole life Is just what She wanted in him. I hate that She thinks i'm him. And i hate that She May be right. I hate that I have this kind of obbligation to make up for all she went through and to apologize for what he did. I hate him. I hate her. I loathe her.

When other kids elsewhere probably fantasize about this longer than I do, I think about this for a bit, before I start panicking about every worst case scenario. This is why relationships...in general, are a risk. They're painful, bad, and they're not a thing I NEED to live in this world, they're just a liability. Like, I feel like an adult next to these buffoons in school! They can't see the risks, the pains, the agonies, they can't see all those dirt under the nice leopard-print carpet! And you know what, I can handle being alone with no one! They're a liability and risk anyways. Being tough and ROUGH is the way to go! I'm not soft, and I'm not gonna be vulnerable with anyone! No matter how much I want it, it's a sin on my part! It's like wanting drugs as a teen, it may smell good but it's bad for you! Aren't there any perks to not showing your vulnerability? it helps maintain your composure, you don't make things awkward or dangerous at work, it can make you look really stoic and composed and leader-like, and it makes you focus more on yourself and learn self-work by your SELF. See? You may say hiding vulnerabilities is bad, but ugh, when some movie characters do that, bam! Trusted the wrong person! Look at Elphaba and Madame Morrible with the Wizard of Oz, they were shams who couldn't read the magic book nor make magic, only for Oz! And she for her whole life wanted to be like him, but he's a useless man! Even I tried remembering the Wizard was a farsi, before the movie confirmed it again, because he looked suspicious!

I can be safe even from the "nicest" people. I was only BARELY ALIVE when I trusted mom so much to tell her things like "If I got Rem for Diwali, more fireworks would've sparked in the bedroom!" and she didn't react at all or I actually listened when she said she wanted to be my confidant and she didn't maybe shame me, but who knows? Maybe that's her way of being judgy. Still, just now, I wanted to hang out with a neighbor, but her friend came and they had some school project so I was essentially the weirdo stranger from downstairs. She may say we can play tomorrow, but because of my gut, I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone, so, I'm giving equality to people. I even don't trust mom when she says if I don't trust anyone, I'll be miserable. I wasn't crying when I got home, I just said to myself, "You had a weird gut feeling, and you were right!" I just felt more gray than blue. Plus, in Indian airports, considering how dumb the country can be, whenever I see guard dogs bark and play with the security for a bit, and the security is armed, I think they're fools. My grayness isn't depression, it's realization of truth. I'll just be NATE JACOBS, minus the abuse and power play. Come on, as dumb as people can be, why go out of my way to hurt them? I mean, look what happened. I kept cool, prioritized her, and left! I'm mature because I didn't cry nor feel sad, I just felt like, "Good I considered this." Same thing goes for when some people from school wave in the front. I don't think they're waving at me, I've seen this trope in movies too many times to not be fooled, and I'm right. They wave at their friends. I'm mature than them, right? Right?? I'm predicting the worst so I don't end up in bad situations. Like, she said she was being mean by asking me to leave, when I was being mean! I came to her house when her friend was meant to arrive only 10 minutes after me, and I was really quiet when her friend came. So yeah, me even being here and existing is mean, because I bet I smelled or didn't look good that time! She's 10 and I'm 13, so it's weird!

In fact, I should stop hanging out with her. Or anyone. I should stop making plans for anyone, and if anyone invites me, I won't come. Wanna know my mature reason? One time, a friend of mine wanted to let us visit in some mall, and because of stuff and a party she had before, we never went. Not only that, she's now bigger buddies with another girl. Good for her, foolish of me to even accept it. I don't know why for a while I cried about wanting one friend, if this also a big unnecessary risk. I won't hang out with that neighbor again, because well, this is what'll happen. Same thing goes if I dare, DARE, fall in love and date someone at 16, and then break up and call it worth it, god forbid. I fail to understand how movies, and REAL PEOPLE, say it's worth it. If it was, why else did you guys leave? I'm being like Kat from Euphoria, she's cynical and learnt from movies that to be cynical is empowering. I need to shove and stop this feeling. I'm shameful to assume friends are important. I can live like the great Syd Barrett, who managed. He only died from pancreatic cancer. Relationships hurt me, even friends! I've been abandoned, because it was my fault! It hurts! So I'll reject it. It only causes pain. That kinda love is...scary. Why do they say it was worth it if it all broke up then? It never clicked with me. If I were in that, I would cried, moved on, and chosen the life of a celibate permanently because...this is the result of even trying. As much as I'd hate to say this, but...I'm scared. Like, genuinely, really, really scared. Oscar said the same thing to Alex in the book RWRB, he loves Ellen and even though they divorced they don't regret it. Well, I would a lot. If I knew the instability, even the smallest signs, I'd leave before it'll get worse. See? I'm asexual! I may fantasize about love and snuggling, but it's all a dumb thing! Hah, dad was right. I had a crush for a girl, I never confessed to her because as young as 11 I know how unstable they were at this age in "the real world". Then at 12 I wanted to be a great friend, we had the mall plan, it never happened, and now she's with another close friend. I tried messaging her but she never responded, so naturally, I deleted and she never noticed. Right now in school, I lost my desire to even have a class crush a year ago, so whenever they joke about crushes, I behave like this. It's like when a person sees a puppy, you laugh and go, "Awww!" If I saw the puppy, I'd be scared a bit and go, "Oh, a puppy. It's fine." I'm asexual because I'm mature. I'm asexual because humans are garbage.

But with everything that happened, it won't get better. It won't. It's just that I learnt to be a warrior early, at 11. Now it's time to be a soldier, then general. My dad even said a good point, maybe he's right this time. Him and mom being together because they were in a long situation-ship in college and early careers before marrying and still being together for 16 years, is pure luck because "most of the time it doesn't happen". He's right. Maybe I can never find a love unless I arrange or work "somewhere", if you know what I mean. Mom's wrong to say maybe I can meet people "like me", when I'm older, because mom has a mini-friend who's 8 years younger than her and even though they work in different companies now, they somehow make some small time. But, it's a farce! Mom doesn't even meet her most of the time, college I heard is a crap experience, work I heard from dad everyone are losers or idiots or very competitive, the Internet is weird, and even then, humans are garbage. This is the only time dad's right! I'm more embarrassed I thought I'd have one friend when I was 11. I'll never be ashamed by my SUPER SQUID DEFENSE SYSTEM. I'm not alone, I'm an adult at 13! I'm a warrior squid, an eel who bites before anything bites her! I'm better than my classmates! I'm smarter than them, and I can't be hurt easily if anyone leaves anymore! In fact, I can leave them if I detect an OUNCE of instability. I'm a diamond, unbreakable, and I can work under societal pressure. Trust no one, listen to the rules to be safe from people, and never fight back or else you're a "snitch". My brother said one of the reasons I don't have a friend is because I'm a snitch. Like a squid I can squeeze out of bad stuff, like an eel I can bite back, and like I diamond, I can never ever be scratched or dented!

When other kids elsewhere probably fantasize about this longer than I do, I think about this for a bit, before I start panicking about every worst case scenario. This is why relationships...in general, are a risk. They're painful, bad, and they're not a thing I NEED to live in this world, they're just a liability. Like, I feel like an adult next to these buffoons in school! They can't see the risks, the pains, the agonies, they can't see all those dirt under the nice leopard-print carpet! And you know what, I can handle being alone with no one! They're a liability and risk anyways. Being tough and ROUGH is the way to go! I'm not soft, and I'm not gonna be vulnerable with anyone! No matter how much I want it, it's a sin on my part! It's like wanting drugs as a teen, it may smell good but it's bad for you! Aren't there any perks to not showing your vulnerability? it helps maintain your composure, you don't make things awkward or dangerous at work, it can make you look really stoic and composed and leader-like, and it makes you focus more on yourself and learn self-work by your SELF. See? You may say hiding vulnerabilities is bad, but ugh, when some movie characters do that, bam! Trusted the wrong person! Look at Elphaba and Madame Morrible with the Wizard of Oz, they were shams who couldn't read the magic book nor make magic, only for Oz! And she for her whole life wanted to be like him, but he's a useless man! Even I tried remembering the Wizard was a farsi, before the movie confirmed it again, because he looked suspicious!

I can be safe even from the "nicest" people. I was only BARELY ALIVE when I trusted mom so much to tell her things like "If I got Rem for Diwali, more fireworks would've sparked in the bedroom!" and she didn't react at all or I actually listened when she said she wanted to be my confidant and she didn't maybe shame me, but who knows? Maybe that's her way of being judgy. Still, just now, I wanted to hang out with a neighbor, but her friend came and they had some school project so I was essentially the weirdo stranger from downstairs. She may say we can play tomorrow, but because of my gut, I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone, so, I'm giving equality to people. I even don't trust mom when she says if I don't trust anyone, I'll be miserable. I wasn't crying when I got home, I just said to myself, "You had a weird gut feeling, and you were right!" I just felt more gray than blue. Plus, in Indian airports, considering how dumb the country can be, whenever I see guard dogs bark and play with the security for a bit, and the security is armed, I think they're fools. My grayness isn't depression, it's realization of truth. I'll just be NATE JACOBS, minus the abuse and power play. Come on, as dumb as people can be, why go out of my way to hurt them? I mean, look what happened. I kept cool, prioritized her, and left! I'm mature because I didn't cry nor feel sad, I just felt like, "Good I considered this." Same thing goes for when some people from school wave in the front. I don't think they're waving at me, I've seen this trope in movies too many times to not be fooled, and I'm right. They wave at their friends. I'm mature than them, right? Right?? I'm predicting the worst so I don't end up in bad situations. Like, she said she was being mean by asking me to leave, when I was being mean! I came to her house when her friend was meant to arrive only 10 minutes after me, and I was really quiet when her friend came. So yeah, me even being here and existing is mean, because I bet I smelled or didn't look good that time! She's 10 and I'm 13, so it's weird!

In fact, I should stop hanging out with her. Or anyone. I should stop making plans for anyone, and if anyone invites me, I won't come. Wanna know my mature reason? One time, a friend of mine wanted to let us visit in some mall, and because of stuff and a party she had before, we never went. Not only that, she's now bigger buddies with another girl. Good for her, foolish of me to even accept it. I don't know why for a while I cried about wanting one friend, if this also a big unnecessary risk. I won't hang out with that neighbor again, because well, this is what'll happen. Same thing goes if I dare, DARE, fall in love and date someone at 16, and then break up and call it worth it, god forbid. I fail to understand how movies, and REAL PEOPLE, say it's worth it. If it was, why else did you guys leave? I'm being like Kat from Euphoria, she's cynical and learnt from movies that to be cynical is empowering. I need to shove and stop this feeling. I'm shameful to assume friends are important. I can live like the great Syd Barrett, who managed. He only died from pancreatic cancer. Relationships hurt me, even friends! I've been abandoned, because it was my fault! It hurts! So I'll reject it. It only causes pain. That kinda love is...scary. Why do they say it was worth it if it all broke up then? It never clicked with me. If I were in that, I would cried, moved on, and chosen the life of a celibate permanently because...this is the result of even trying. As much as I'd hate to say this, but...I'm scared. Like, genuinely, really, really scared. Oscar said the same thing to Alex in the book RWRB, he loves Ellen and even though they divorced they don't regret it. Well, I would a lot. If I knew the instability, even the smallest signs, I'd leave before it'll get worse. See? I'm asexual! I may fantasize about love and snuggling, but it's all a dumb thing! Hah, dad was right. I had a crush for a girl, I never confessed to her because as young as 11 I know how unstable they were at this age in "the real world". Then at 12 I wanted to be a great friend, we had the mall plan, it never happened, and now she's with another close friend. I tried messaging her but she never responded, so naturally, I deleted and she never noticed. Right now in school, I lost my desire to even have a class crush a year ago, so whenever they joke about crushes, I behave like this. It's like when a person sees a puppy, you laugh and go, "Awww!" If I saw the puppy, I'd be scared a bit and go, "Oh, a puppy. It's fine." I'm asexual because I'm mature. I'm asexual because humans are garbage.

But with everything that happened, it won't get better. It won't. It's just that I learnt to be a warrior early, at 11. Now it's time to be a soldier, then general. My dad even said a good point, maybe he's right this time. Him and mom being together because they were in a long situation-ship in college and early careers before marrying and still being together for 16 years, is pure luck because "most of the time it doesn't happen". He's right. Maybe I can never find a love unless I arrange or work "somewhere", if you know what I mean. Mom's wrong to say maybe I can meet people "like me", when I'm older, because mom has a mini-friend who's 8 years younger than her and even though they work in different companies now, they somehow make some small time. But, it's a farce! Mom doesn't even meet her most of the time, college I heard is a crap experience, work I heard from dad everyone are losers or idiots or very competitive, the Internet is weird, and even then, humans are garbage. This is the only time dad's right! I'm more embarrassed I thought I'd have one friend when I was 11. I'll never be ashamed by my SUPER SQUID DEFENSE SYSTEM. I'm not alone, I'm an adult at 13! I'm a warrior squid, an eel who bites before anything bites her! I'm better than my classmates! I'm smarter than them, and I can't be hurt easily if anyone leaves anymore! In fact, I can leave them if I detect an OUNCE of instability. I'm a diamond, unbreakable, and I can work under societal pressure. Trust no one, listen to the rules to be safe from people, and never fight back or else you're a "snitch". My brother said one of the reasons I don't have a friend is because I'm a snitch. Like a squid I can squeeze out of bad stuff, like an eel I can bite back, and like I diamond, I can never ever be scratched or dented!

Because of my low self esteem, I went on a chatting website and made my pfp a picture that showed off my body to get compliments from guys so that I could feel better about myself. I ended up going a bit too far with this one guy and sent him an exposed picture of me. I feel guilt and worse than before.

this feels so heavy to write out but for once I wanna feel free. I regret having a boyfriend i regret going to his place I regret that we saw each other naked. im grateful for myself that I never gave my v card but I regret everything that happened. that is not me that is not my life I don't enjoy doing sexual things but I did just to keep him thinking he was the one ( first bf). the worst thing is when I remember my mom calling to ask if I arrived safely to my friend's house when in fact I was at his. that was so so so bad of me. I despise him for trying so hard but I despise myself even more.. I pray I pay back every bad thing I did with him.. one thing I know is that I will never do that again.. no point in lustful 2 min time. a perfect relationship for me would be a nice tall boyfriend whom I could go on fun little side quest with someone who I can vent to and someone that will love me wholeheartedly without any bad intentions.... sigh

may every good thing forgive me for these times as I am to ashamed to ask to God for forgiveness.

I'm pissed beyond words on how to describe my feelings on Amalya, Sanvi R., and Angelina. I'm mad and feel them inconsiderate, rude, selfish, arrogant, cocky. and I'm masking it. I want to punch a wall to make myself feel pain and not that anymore (not self harm). Damn them. WHY am I like this. A person who can't handle their own emotions and think they're helpful to others. What the fuck is my mindset. It was in gaga ball. I said that Nishank wasn't out and the others said that he was. The girls then just said "You're just mad you got out" like... what the actual literal piece of shit. You're just a bitch, bastard and someone who needs to be humbled. Sanvi R was so shy, and now she's so fucking mean. Where did it come from. OH WAIT! I know... IT WAS THOSE FUCKING GIRLS. Even Deetya doesn't make me feel that anymore. In fact, she never made me feel that deep. And all those fuck ass girls are going to say is "You're overreacting" and when I walk in the hallways, I know they're going to talk shit about me behind my back. I'd rather not deal with this shit, but I can't handle it. I was actually punching a wall just to silence my pain mentally and emotionally. And that smug grin on Sanvi R's face. Damn her. Damn them. And worst, I know later, I'm going to blame myself for it. It'll make me insecure, upset at myself. Question Who I am and what I am. I hope high school never brings me this. Shit... 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

In case you don't get it, that's me being pissed, upset, unsure and doubting my life and whether I should live and then I'm masking it because I know that others will just ask "are you okay" and I know I'm not, but no one understands you more than your emotions. Not even yourself—your emotions. You may say you don't feel bad, but your emotions know what you truly mean.

So what happened was he gave me task and because of a slight missunderstanding he started to taunt me by words like you dont know this or that but when i looked into the matter it was that he said the wrong thing and i was like raging because it was his fault but then at night i went to return his money and we started to talk again about that thing but this time i was so into like proving myself right i did some simple calculation wrong and i was so sure that i made him agree and he did even if it was wrong and then i rrealised what i did and i wanna dug myself in a grave like literally you cant even imagine how basic of a problem that was and i messed it up to top it up i was confident now i don't know whose fault is it i think it's mine to calculate wrong because i am weak at most of the things