Life Stories and Everyday Drama

I try so hard in my life my family thinks I am just an lazy girl who does nothing they don't even know me so what's the point that's why I don't tell them shit because they make me bad about myself they don't know how school is for me is hard I was trying to hold not to cry and my dad made me look dumb as hell my mom went all mad at me I try to tell her its hard but she Nevers lisntin to me so I go outside to get me to relax and to chill and not crying it hurts me so bad I just hate myself I hate everything I never ask for anything as a kid it hurt me so bad shit and I cant tell my bf about this because I am really hurt and shit I don't even feel like my old self no more the girl who was so nice and never crys or mad they don't know how much I change now I don't even go out no more I am always get mad I try try over and over nothing changes Ii don't know how to tell them they made me hate myself and make me look so dumb plz help me and I need sum help how to tell them..

i swear i dont even know whats wrong with me anymore. i cant stop thinkin about him like all day all night its just him in my head 24/7. like its drivin me crazy. we aint even talkin anymore but i still keep checkin my phone every 5 mins like maybe he’ll text or like maybe he’s thinkin bout me too (even tho i know he probly not). we was never official official but it felt real to me. we had a connection, the way he looked at me, the way we talked for hours, laughin about dumb stuff. nd now? nothin. just silence. nd it hurts more than i thought it would. like why can’t i just move on like a normal person?? why am i still stuck on someone who don’t even care if i’m breathin or not??

my friends keep tellin me to forget him, to block him, delete the pics, all that. nd i tried. for real. i tried to distract myself, go out more, talk to other ppl, even flirt a lil just to see if i could feel somethin again. but i don’t. its like no one hits the same. i see him everywhere too, like songs remind me of him, certain spots in school feel weird without him there. i even wear that hoodie he let me borrow still, even tho i know it’s dumb. nd the worst part? he moved on like it was nothin. he’s talkin to someone else now and actin like i never mattered. like i was just a phase or some fun thing he did for a bit. nd maybe i was. maybe i made it bigger in my head than it really was. but to me, it felt real. nd now i just feel stupid for fallin so hard.

sometimes i cry at night just thinkin bout what i did wrong. was i too much? not enough? did i scare him off by feelin too deep? i replay convos in my head, thinkin what i coulda said diff, what i coulda changed. nd yeah i kno, i shouldn’t blame myself, but how do u not when someone u gave your heart to just lets it go like it was nothin?? he said things that made me think he cared. he looked at me like i was the only person in the room. he made me feel seen, nd now i feel invisible. like i was only temporary. like i’m just another girl he’ll forget soon.

i just want it to stop. the overthinkin, the dreamin bout him, the way my heart still jumps when i see his name pop up somewhere. i wish i could just shut off the part of my brain that still misses him. that still wants him. but i can’t. he’s stuck in me. nd maybe one day i’ll get over it, maybe someone new will make me forget how bad this hurts, but rn? rn it feels like i’m gonna feel this forever. like he broke somethin in me without even tryin. nd he probly don’t even kno. or care. but i do. nd that’s what sucks the most. cuz even if he don’t feel nothin, i still can't stop thinkin bout him. nd i hate that i still want someone who dont want me.

It just hurts so much, when I got married thought it would be a forever thing. Now sitting alone, in an empty house, just hurting, angry, guilty, lonely.

Me and my now ex husband met online, neither of us looking for anyone. He had just separated from his 1st wife, and me really not needing the drama of a relationship. We chatted for a few years, then finally met up. He lived in another state, and even then we weren't offical another couple of years. Dated for a year, engaged a year, and a little over a decade of marriage all over red rover.

Before we got married I asked him if he was gay, there were "red flags", but he assured me he was not. Decade of practically sexless marriage, saying that he wanted children but always finding reasons to not do what you need to get them.

I'm such a stupid pathetic girl, I can't be mad at him for who he is, but I am so angry. He is out fucking anything with a penis, but faked heart attacks, asma attacks, etc when all i wanted was a baby he said he wanted too.

I'm trying to be happy and perky for those around me, cause people really don't want to hear it.

I've been too ashamed to speak to anyone for many years about what has been happening. it's hence sharing hear.

It’s hard to explain to people without sounding dramatic. From the outside, everything probably looks fine. We’ve been married for eight years, we don’t fight often, we keep the house clean, pay our bills on time, and take care of the kids. But behind all that routine is this empty space between us that keeps getting wider. He’s here, but he’s not really here. My husband is emotionally unavailable, and it feels like I’m married to a shadow. When something upsets me, he doesn’t ask questions. He doesn’t comfort. He just nods or says “Sorry you feel that way,” and moves on like I didn’t just open uup my chest and hand him my heart. I’ve learned to stop expecting warmth. I’ve learned to cry quietly in the bathroom so I don’t make him uncomfortable. And that’s the part that breaks me—how me feeling something seems to bother him more than it bothers me.

I didn’t always notice it this deeply. In the beginning, it was just little things—him brushing off serious conversations, or giving one-word answers when I tried to connect. But back then, I thought maybe he just needed time, that maybe it was hard for him to express himself. He had a rough childhood, he never really saw healthy communication growing up, and I gave him grace for that. Maybe too much grace. I thought love would soften him. I thought my patience would eventually make him feel safe enough to open up. But years passed, and I realized I was building a bridge alone, with no one walking toward me on the other side. Every time I tried to talk about our lack of emotional closeness, he’d say, “I don’t know what you want me to do.” As if connection was a task, and not a part of being in love. I’ve begged for something deeper, and all I get is distance in return.

Now I just feel tired. I feel lonely in a house with someone who promised to be my partner. I scroll through my phone, seeing couples who laugh together, cry together, talk—and I feel like I’m watching life happen from a glass window. I envy people who feel seen. I try to bring it up sometimes, gently, hoping something clicks, but it never does. He shuts down, gets quiet, or changes the subject. I’m not asking for grand romantic speeches or poetry—I just want him to notice me. To feel with me. But it’s like there’s a wall I can’t break, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep knocking. I still love him, but I don’t feel loved in return. And I wonder, often, if this is all marriage will ever be—doing life together, but never really together.

My boss tends to scold me on our workplace group chat. I try to just learn from the experience but it has been challenging because most of the time it is just about little things. I would really appreciate the decorum to just be civil (boss is not saying bad words when im called out) but just scolds me (you can read it in the tone of the message). I do not want to talk to her about it coz I do not want the conflict and she does tend to explode.

so uhh, my friend, (we will call her purple) I love her, and I even got matching bracelets for us, which I NEVER do! and guess what? my other friend (we will call him blue) STARTED DATING HER TODAY. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE I LIKE HER, AND GUESS WHAT? THE ONE I LOVE IS TAKEN FROM MY FRIEND, AND I CANT DO ANYTHIGN ABOUT THAT. ISNT IT GREAT? NO, ITS NOT. IT DOESNT FEEL GOOD, AND NOW IM GONNA HAVE TO LIVE THE NEXT YEARS OF SCHOOL LIKE THIS, KNOWING THAT THE ONE I LOVE IS TAKEN BY MY FRIEND. it hurts. it hurts so much. and I cant do anything about that. and if he ever sees or finds out a bout this, well then I'm sorry. I'm just so depressed knowing that she probably didn't even like me, and liked you instead. I know I sound jelous, or however you say it. but I already had a bad mental state, and this just got worse. #deppressionarc!

God!! I am just so fucking ugly!!! Why is it that I can feel so good about myself one moment and then so terrible the next. Im genuinely on the verge of tearing out my hair. I don’t know how to fucking explain how I feel, I don’t know what to say, my brain feels foggy, I hate whoever that ugly ass slime in the mirror is, and I barely have any friends- the ones that I do have probably have plans to leave me anyways. I don’t know who I am, what I like, what colleges i’m going to go to, what job I want, any of my aspirations. I feel like the little things that I do know about myself aren’t even significant enough to tell people who I really am. I have a sense of my being, but at the same time i’m clueless. I try, I do, but in the end I feel like nothing I do amounts to anything. I feel trapped. I try to do one thing, ope, You’re too ugly to wear that! I try another thing, Sorryy… sucks, but, you are actually retarted and don’t know shit. My skin is constantly breaking out, i’m constantly bloated, I feel fat, my clothes are uncomfortable, I look like a whale, I don’t know how to act around people. I just cannot simply exist without my brain eating at everything I say, do, or look like. Am I give the right impression? Why do I care so much? “Oh just don’t, it’s so easy” i’m sorry but don’t you think i’ve tried?! I’ve tried so hard not to let my view of myself get in the way of how I act, or how I believe people perceive me. I’ve tried so hard i’m so exhausted. I wish I could cut open my arms and let my emotions flood from the wounds and bleed into every written word because nothing I seem to say truly displays how my heart really feels. Probably because i’m not entirely sure myself. I know it’s a problem, i’m sorry, where is my instruction manual to function like the rest of society? Why is it that I feel i’m doing everything wrong and everyone else has it right? Im not just saying my life sucks and everyone else’s is better, but even the people who have it rougher than me, they seem to know how to live life more efficiently. I kind of just feel like i’m floating through space. I know how to avoid the asteroids- I know what to do right, never do anything wrong- but that’s it. I’m just kind of existing while life happens around me. I am not actually enjoying myself. I smile, I laugh, yes genuinely a lot of the time, but after the fact? What do I do? I’m an awkward little inexperienced girl who has no clue about anything. I feel trapped. I want to shut down but at the same time I know I need to go to college, so I do the bare minimum for A’s, knowing damn well that even if I have good grades, act right, play sports, i’m still not doing enough. Nothing is ever going to be enough. I can want to do something that sounds fleeting in the moment but all motivation is lost when my world feels like it’s crashing down around me. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve to like myself. Whatever that means. Whatever any of this means, I truly do not know. I feel like I truly do not know much these days.

Omg, I need to rant because my mind is in absolute **chaos** right now. There's this guy—let's call him **Prince** (and trust me, the name fits because he literally treats me like a princess). Like, I don’t even know what to do anymore because he is **so close and touchy** and I **can't tell if he's just like this with everyone or if I should be reading into it**.

So, Prince is **always** around me. Like, if I’m sitting somewhere, he’ll just casually come over and sit **super close**, to the point where our shoulders are touching. And if I move slightly, he doesn’t even shift away—if anything, I feel like he leans in more. **And don’t even get me started on the way he touches me.** It’s not in a weird way or anything, but he’ll randomly poke my side, rest his arm on my shoulder, or even put his hand on my back when he talks to me. And this isn’t just once or twice—**it’s a pattern**.

And then there’s the way he acts when we’re around other people. He’s always making sure I’m good, asking me if I’ve eaten, helping me with random stuff without me even asking. **He hypes me up all the time, too**—like if I do literally anything, he’ll be like, “See? That’s why you’re amazing.” And then he’ll just **stare at me and smile** like ??? Boy, what do you mean by that???

But here’s the thing—I **don’t know if this is just how he is or if he’s actually giving me signs**. Because when I do stuff, like talk to other guys or even just joke around with my friends, I swear I see him looking. And I mean **really looking**—like I’ll glance at him, and he’ll already be watching, and then he looks away really fast like he wasn’t just analyzing my every move. And when I don’t give him attention, he finds ways to get it. He’ll randomly bring something up just to talk to me or do something dumb to make me laugh.

The worst part?? He’s **so reassuring and supportive.** Like, I could be having the worst day ever, and he just **knows.** He’ll check in, tell me I’m strong, and that I deserve the best. **BRO, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT??** He’s so **emotionally present** it’s actually throwing me off. I don’t know if he does this for everyone, but I feel like he treats me **differently.**

So now I’m just sitting here questioning **everything.** Is he **just like this**? Am I overthinking? **Or is he actually dropping hints??** Like, I swear, sometimes it feels like he’s being lowkey flirty, but then I second-guess myself because I don’t want to look dumb. I just don’t know anymore, and it’s driving me crazy.

Someone tell me what this means because I genuinely have no clue. **Prince, what are you trying to tell me?!?**

I’m so so frustrated, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I had this childhood best friend ( friends since age 3 ) who I dearly loved but as days went by she kept getting so toxic. For example she started hiding stuff from me while she told those same things to our other friends ( we are in the same friend group ). She went abroad for university while I stayed back and I was at peace for a while but recently I kept seeing that she becomes online whenever I am online. On my birthday she randomly posted a story where she posted pictures of our other friends and wrote “ Family “ . I mean obviously she can put pictures of our friends but why on my birthday????. Am I overthinking this?

What’s worse is that I keep dreaming about her, that we are normal, that she apologized, that we talk about what went wrong and it’s messing with my head. I know it was toxic and I know we are better off like this but I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I miss her so much?

I keep thinking that it’s my fault that everything turned out like this.

Have been feeling so overwhelmed, been feeling like life is a curse. I keep seeing my relatives be absolute pieces of shit, my parents going through the worst of things. On top of that I keep feeling like I am the one who is at fault for drifting apart from my childhood toxic friend, as I keep missing her, wishing that I didn’t do that, that I should have endured it.

God keeps making us go through these numerous horrible tests. It hurts me when I see my family, who has always tried to help others, getting betrayed and hurt by those same exact people. It hurts when I see people that I loved so dearly passing away. It hurts when I see that I never receive anything good despite trying my hardest and giving my all.

Life is a curse. I'm so tired of seeing me and my family continuously go through bad things. I hope one day my family will be happy again but I don’t think days like that will come ever again.

i’ve been thinkin about this a lot lately, like way more than i probly should, but i just can’t help it. i go to this school where so many kids are rich or like... pretty well off. not just talkin new clothes or fancy phones, i mean actual money. like they get picked up in shiny cars, talk about their summer trips to europe, have the newest gadgets before they even come out. nd then there’s me. my shoes are always a little worn out, i still got the same backpack since 7th grade, and when ppl talk about “weekend plans” mine are usually helpin my mom clean or babysit my cousin. my family’s not just “not rich,” we’re broke-broke. i don’t blame them or anything, they work hard, they love me, we just never had much. and while no one at school has ever been mean to me about it, not once, i still feel it. like this quiet voice in my head always whisperin “you don’t belong here.”

what sucks the most is that i do have friends. like, good ones. they include me in everything, they don’t care i don’t have name-brand stuff or can’t always go out when they do. they joke with me, they listen, they’re just... normal. and i try to act normal too. i laugh, i join in, i smile. but inside, i’m always thinkin about what i’m missing. i feel like i have to try harder just to be at the same level. if we’re doin a project, i work extra hard so they don’t think i’m dumb. if we’re hangin out, i make sure i’m funny or helpful or something, like i gotta earn my place all the time. and they never asked me to. they never made me feel like i’m “less than.” but that don’t change the fact that i still feel less than. i can’t stop comparing. even if i got the same grade or the same laugh, i still feel like i’m catching up to everyone else’s life.

i don’t even talk to anyone about it, not even my best friend. how do you even say, “hey, i feel small around you sometimes even tho you’re nice to me”? it’s not their fault i feel this way. it’s just... the way everything is. the way i grew up always worrying about bills or food or how to fix something ourselves because we can’t pay someone to do it. nd even when i’m at school, doing fine, gettin decent grades, i still feel like one wrong move and i’ll slip and they’ll all realize i’m not like them. it makes me scared to dream big sometimes. like, who am i to think i can be something? go to a big college? have a cool job? buy my mom a house? sounds fake when i say it out loud. it’s hard to believe in yourself when everything around you has always told you to settle. and even harder when you’re in a place full of people who already have what you’re fightin for.

so yeah, how to overcome inferiority complex? hell if i know. i’m still figurin it out. maybe it starts with stopping the comparisons, or reminding myself that money don’t make someone better than me. maybe i gotta start believing my friends actually like me for me, not what i have. i guess i gotta remind myself that i’m smart, i’m funny (sometimes lol), i’m kind, and those things matter too. but it’s not easy. some days it’s like carrying a weight i can’t drop. but i’m tryna be better. i’m tryna hold my head up even when my shoes are scuffed. maybe i don’t got all the stuff they got, but i got my own story. and maybe one day, i’ll look back at this and realize i was enough the whole time. just gotta keep goin. one step at a time.

My supervisor has grown accustomed of me to write legal documents for the company when it is not my expertise (I am not a paralegal!). It just takes effort and time to research how to write legal documents and instead of me doing my actual work, I just submit these drafted documents to the lawyer and the lawyer checks my work.

So, I know life could be worse. I could be homeless. I could have a terrible family. I could be injured. But recently life has been infuriating. I’m feeling terrible! And just so angry and sad and… honestly those words aren’t good enough tbh. Honestly the word I feel the most right now is looser. I’ve been out of a job for 6 months. Ya I know. I’m living at my boyfriends house. But I’m not seeing my friends cause they’re still in college and I graduated early. I was supposed to use the year as time to save money. But no. Just spend apparently. I’m uncertain about my grad school application. And overall just feeling looser. I should change my mind set, I’m a winner and just get back up, but it’s been kind of difficult. Especially when most my days seem filled with watching garbage on Netflix or YouTube. I can’t even say that I’ve been trying super hard. Cause I’ve honestly kinda been half assing life a little bit. My best friend is halfway across the world and I can’t even speak with her for the most part cause she’s doing a stupid mission for a religion I don’t believe in. I’d say it’s a waste of her time, but then again that would be hypocritical cause what the fuck am I doing. I’m bitter. I’m angry that none of the jobs I’ve applied to have hired me, angry that the job that promised me work in March hasn’t reached back out and instead is having my friend go. They have work and they won’t give me any! It’s pissing me off! I’m not even sure why not. Is it cause I plan on going to PA with my father in a few weeks. Are they waiting till after the trip to rehire me?! Because I would like some information! But everything in the workplace nowadays has to be some sort of game of the right ballance of professionalism and charm! And if so that would leave me with another month of no work!!! Ahhhh!! And my boyfriends gonna want his rent for April soon and I don’t want to pay it! Cause I’ve got like 2000 in taxes I’m going to need to pay for my independent contracting! And for gods sake what is wrong with my bf!!! He’s been so hard to be in a relationship with for the last basically year. I thought moving in together would strengthen the relationship from our previous long distance thing, but I am upset with it. It’s so.. so!! Just… meh. There are no fireworks, no playtime, no dancing, no laughing, half the time it’s heavy seriousness. And I don’t know if this is a phase because he wasn’t always like this, or if he was just pretending to be silly and fun and cutesy when we met. And now I need adventure but he’ll never go on an adventure with me. He values work over living life! And I’m debating texting my old boss up, he texted me a little bit ago, about work, but I’d only be able to work for maybe a month or a week or two before the other job rehires me, cause they said they want me back but they won’t give me a date! I just need a date!! I can feel the judgement from my mother and everyone around me! And I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of never being enough and it’s double now that I’m literally doing nothing! And it’s been so long and I feel aimless and bored and lonely! And I miss my friends and school and I wish my relationship was better but it’s not and ya. And if I go to work with my other boss for a small amount of time I would prefer for a certain employee to not be there! Ah I hate him!! I’ve been there longer and he would act like my boss and he made me anxious and I would wake up everyday dreading seeing him. I liked that job before he was there, but here I am. And ya. Basically, I got a job that told me it wasn’t seasonal then turned out to be seasonal and now I have no job and am just waiting for them to give me work. They have asked me when I’m available I said I’m available right now, and then they gave work to someone else that I know. I’m pissed off. And all the other jobs I’ve applied to have been kind of dead ends. My mom keeps saying, “you have a degree you can literally do anything” no mom! It’s not so easy! Yes I probably could, but you have to be hired by picky ass people first! If you don’t want a garbage job doing garbage work. And what I really want to do is travel! But I don’t want to travel alone, but nobody in my life is in the position to just go on an epic adventure with me. I’m sorry this is so long. And it sounds like a bunch of excuses, but this has literally been my life for the last 6 months and I’m sick and tired of it!

lately, it’s like i’m walking around in my own body but everything feels off. like im not really here, like someone swapped out the real me and left this weird, tired, distant version behind. i still do all the same things—wake up, go to work, see people, even laugh at jokes—but none of it feels right. there’s this weird fog in my head, and even when im smiling, it doesn’t feel real. i keep thinking back to how i used to be. more energetic, more excited, more… alive, i guess. but now? now i just go through the motions and hope no one notices how weird everything feels inside. it’s like my brain is on autopilot and i’m just watching. and what’s worse is i can’t even explain it properly when someone asks what’s wrong? cuz i don’t know. i don’t know when it started, or why, or what triggered it. all i know is that i don’t feel like myself anymore—and that terrifies me.

some days are worse than others. sometimes i wake up and for a second i feel okay, like maybe today’s the day it breaks and i’ll feel normal again. but then something small happens—like i forget something stupid or someone says something in a tone that hits wrong—and boom, it’s back. the emptiness, the disconnection. i try to force myself to do the things i used to love. music, movies, friends, even food. but they don’t hit the same. i keep waiting to feel something spark again, something that says “yes, this is you,” but it just… doesn’t come. nd the more i try to force it, the more fake i feel. like i’m pretending to be okay because im supposed to be okay. i mean, nothing major is happening, i have a roof, a job, people around me. but still, this weight sits on me like i’m broken in a way no one else can see.

i thought maybe it was stress. maybe burnout or something. or maybe it’s just one of those phases people go through when they’re figuring stuff out. but it’s been weeks now, maybe even months, and i still don’t feel right. i’ve started pulling away from people cuz i don’t know how to be around them when i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i cancel plans or show up and zone out the whole time. nd it’s not that i don’t love my friends, i do. but i feel like im watching myself from the outside, doing and saying what i’m supposed to, while inside i’m just numb. or sad. or tired. or all of it. nd it makes me feel guilty too. like i’m wasting time, ruining things, making people worry when i don’t even have a good reason. so i just say i’m fine, just tired, hoping no one digs deeper, cuz i wouldn’t even know what to tell them if they did.

i just want to feel like me again. i want to wake up and not feel like i’m bracing for something i can’t even name. i want to look in the mirror and recognize what’s behind my eyes, not this dull, distant look that doesn’t match the person i remember being. i miss that version of me—the one who laughed loud without forcing it, who got excited over small things, who didn’t feel so... out of place in her own life. i don’t know how to get back there. or if i even can. but i’m trying. slowly. some days, just getting out of bed feels like progress. and maybe that’s all i can do right now. keep trying, keep showing up, even if i feel like a ghost of myself. cuz somewhere deep down, i know i’m still here. i have to believe that. even if i don’t feel like myself right now... maybe, someday, i will again.

I'm having a hard time, promise.. it feels overwhelming. I thought if you were a teacher, at least you were the boss. etc. I'll go back to sleep soon.