Life Stories and Everyday Drama

Since this is a place specifically designed for venting, I feel a bit more comfortable speaking here. I am a 21 year old girl who's in college right now, trying to figure out life and such. I am away from home for college and I miss my city so much. I am going towards a career that does not pay that well. I am not even that interested in it...just that I know it's something I can do. I have a few friends in this city who are nice people but none of them vent so I can't burden them with my story. Besides, their lives are much more interesting than mine. One has a friend she speaks to on a daily basis, two others have boyfriends and a lot of other friends with whom they can always have a conversation. My friends in this city have many other friends to talk to but all I have are them. If I tell them this, I am pretty sure I would be treated much differently but it won't be better, it would just be with more caution. I don't like that, I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable around me. The friend who I used to vent to is now busy all the time and she makes a lot of decisions in her life that only messes things up as she's enjoying the risks. She tells me I can speak to her about everything and it used to be that way but now that she's busy, most of my long messages get lost in the void of things she's into. I tell her that we can speak about my issues later because she has worse things going on for her. But deep down, I really do wish she would one day just listen to me and tell me what I need to hear. She always knew what to say...but nowadays she's looking to speak to me about her problems and I can't deny that because I know she would give me a listen if she was available too. My ex who I'm friends with and not completely over, he's busy too and when I vent I just don't get much...sometimes when I break down, he does help me but I don't want my brain to hold on till I let it out. I am going through a lot and I don't want to keep it in like that. And I often lash out at him for not listening to me. I should stop doing that... because of the relationship I had with him, I keep thinking he should be listening to me. But no one is entitled to that, especially since he's also very busy (and often gets sick) and he shouldn't be coming back from work all tired just to hear me vent. I feel like everyone's got someone but I've got no one.

I want to try getting closer to my friends in the city but since they already have friends they talk to, they don't need me for it. So it's very one-sided and unfair. I don't want to be in this situation.

I feel like I'm in an environment where my ability to socialize with others is disregarded, and on top of that, my closest friends and family struggle due to the prejudices others foster as a result of such circumstances. People don't usually appreciate these analyses I conduct to explain what's happening, and psychotherapists have become part of the group.

I like this way of life, but I haven't received any support to fully consolidate it. Support is always a camouflage to force me to abandon it, in a blatant way. The whole effort is to make me achieve what I was helped to achieve, given that the problems I identified as such are no longer pointed out but now begin to view them in a pleasing light, which is what I feel the therapeutic work I've attended was all about.

I can't deny that I feel disappointed by society. My family struggled to contain me, and I always tried to adapt according to the circumstances, without predetermining and consolidating a certain personality in order to defend it. Outside, there were also these difficulties, to the point where others either abandoned me or established a distant and superficial relationship. The times they've tolerated me, it's because they had no other choice, and the times they've resorted to influencing me to adapt, it's because they haven't seen any other way either. All of this is always aimed at achieving stability within the environment for the group I belong to, rather than consolidating their personality within it through defensiveness. In itself, everything has consisted of complacency with the environment, as my family pointed out, which makes me feel like I'm among people who are incapable of reinforcing their identity as a group. This is something I find regrettable and terrifying, because we are always at the mercy of others, and their movements can occur at any moment, and consequently, any other. Therefore, in itself, it speaks to the lack of stability other than that provided by the environment itself, and that, again, speaks to a lack of tools for self-preservation.

I would like to be part of groups capable of reinforcing the presence of their personality in the environment, and not in those that are weakly structured and therefore provide a false sense of stability only provided by the environment. This makes me see the origin of those who go with the flow, and indeed, it seems that groups of this nature are the ones that populate the earth, at least within the country where I live.

Frankly, this type of spirit is not the example of someone who, I suspect, will sooner or later come back to me, so I feel it is necessary to seek out groups with such a capacity for reinforcement, and of course, that do not rely on popularity or a position of power, which are the elements on which some groups rely to maintain their way of being in the face of change. Indeed, it is necessary to make observations, at least in note format, to arrive at a systematic approach, but first, it begins with examining the material at hand.

You know, my friends, I have a hard time feeling comfortable around people. My biggest problem is that they have an extremely limited view of how to treat me, at least with those I've encountered. While I maintain a very sophisticated one with them, due to the fact that I'm always trying to give a response that, first, fits the person and, second, is foreign to their customs and those I'm used to. In itself, it unbalances me when I socialize, and that's what makes me feel the need to be alone.

I'm not interested in maintaining a language specific to a specific group, but rather, I'm interested in a language that allows me to be universal with all groups. I feel it's an interesting challenge because if I stay within a certain language, I'm not aware of what's happening in the group, given that language is there to be embedded and what it entails not distancing oneself in a way that schematizes circumstances. Furthermore, I prejudice what is external and not maintained by a norm among most groups, precisely to protect the stability of my group. Dear all, I feel that solitude precisely allows for openness to all groups, since it allows for observation and the development of responses to the development of boundaries that allow for coexistence between them and oneself. Those who are alone are considered to lack boundaries, and being alone in itself expresses that you lack the tools to socialize for this group, and that they are specifically for this group. For this reason, while there are several groups of this nature, and I haven't encountered any others, there is a diversity of language, and one must respond to it in a way that establishes consequences within the language used for a particular group if it is breached, thereby maintaining the identity of the group for me, as well as for the rest, as well as mine.

There are many people who possess this spirit, given that they insert themselves into such groups and, of course, base their actions on achieving the integration of the individual on an essence of victimhood if they fail, an issue for which one must be prepared. Indeed, then, loneliness itself, as we can see, is problematic for this social instance, and not because of loneliness itself, but because of the consideration of these groups. Loneliness, we can say, explores the thoughts that are generated within the same concrete routes of exploration of the world, precisely to give us ways to continue with this development of ideas, which in itself, I insist, is systematic, given that there is no group that holds ideas that are not such and that are assumed even as dogmas.

I have to say it: Loneliness, in today's world, is undervalued precisely because we have not been taught the ways to manage it. In itself, it has all consisted of remaining at the mercy of a group for the security that this implies, or the prejudice it entails. There is no longer concern for the context, which is what allows for non-violent behavior, and its failure to do so in itself concretizes the oft-discussed distrust among people that we all maintain when we are from different groups. In fact, I've come to view those solitary entities as a simulation of being solitary when in reality they are governed by the rules of a group, which in itself makes them belonging. Indeed, it must be said that we are part of a group when we abide by its rules, not by physical proximity, which doesn't explain those who appear alienated from the group to which they are considered to belong despite joining groups.

I believe that today it is necessary to discuss when we are part of a group, when we are inserted into the dynamics of a group, as well as the awareness of such elements precisely for mobilization among them or precisely their limitation given our ideology, which in itself is difficult, if not impossible, to result in a destructive outcome since it deprives us of support. I do not personally understand this fear conspired in such a way although I believe that it is the result of experiences in which the individual in question and others have not known what to do, which is why they resort to talking about a rough and impossible path to pass when the morphology of said path itself is expressed by the absence of tuned praxis and that precisely determine dark and impassable dimensions, being able to point out, right now that I speak of it, why the journey through such paths represent a terrain of uniqueness for when such characteristics are present in other aspects of life such as nature itself in the absence of human agents as well as certain mythologies, however, this is only to highlight, although I do not seek certainty but the development of ideas, which, its help is always felt, and its denial, it is complicated to help then will always be welcome in any way.

I feel that one of the biggest problems we have today is that we don't understand that going from being accompanied to being alone is a matter of mourning, and that's why solitude is uncomfortable, just as it is uncomfortable for someone who lives alone to go to someone else's company. Solitude has its benefits, if used well, as does socializing, of course, also well used, because otherwise both can lead to disastrous results.

I've often been criticized for being alone, essentially because I don't adapt as quickly as others who like to live their lives in constant company. Indeed, the contrast is more evident, and that's why the fixation is accentuated in my case. However, for this to be truly realized, I believe that people need to begin to experience being alone and be in touch with their processes, that is, with the words they need to produce precisely to feel unburdened and therefore available to move in the circumstances in which they produce words.

Now, dear friends, what good does it do to share this if no one is going to understand it? It seems to be a purely intellectualized terrain, because in an emergency situation or where tensions arise, the tendency, if not the norm, will be to return to past beliefs, given that such knowledge has not been emphasized. Truly, I'm disappointed that I can't express these words to others, at least in my environment and beyond, in a way that I can trust that what I'm saying will be understood and internalized. I understand why when I vent, I have reinforced my attention on the activity itself, because I haven't found a way to achieve a transmission in a way that I can trust that another can sustain it, can give me stability, even with psychotherapists.

Precisely this difficulty in expressing what I feel is what has made me feel or realize that I don't express what I feel and that the good with which I respond only consists of referring to the fact that everything is the same as always, in terms of the execution of actions, and of which everyone knows or has at least an idea, but I never refer to how I feel. Generally speaking, I've felt fine within the scope of what has served me, but the fact is that I can't make it transparent, and that makes me feel suffocated when I socialize. Ultimately, it makes me feel and appear limited. I misinterpret this as a generalization to others, which consists of a lack of socializing tools, when I use them precisely when the routine between people is at risk of being lost. Otherwise, I simply follow the routine, which consists of being in harmony with others, without needing to agree or sacrificing anything important to me. My main goal when socializing is to maintain harmony and preserve it for the future.

For me, solitude is the ideal terrain because it allows me to progress in the development of my ideas from a systematic structuring, alienated from the pace that others may follow and that often results in stagnation and that has repercussions in an experience of situations consisting of an escape to reach a before and not in the awareness of the circumstances that built it, where we are equally immersed, just to evolve from said being before the world, a question that in itself is the resistance that concretizes said attitude of escape and therefore the return to previous circumstances but that unfortunately can fall into situations of great magnitude, absorbing people given the resistance, and blurring such a before to a format where it is perceived as before but that is not really, in itself, leading to a situation where we find ourselves deceived and more absent and vaguely available, which ends in being at the mercy of complex situations in the face of which we cannot and have to visualize that we are giving in, its exit to a pleasant situation being an already rough path. I find it indispensable development of these reflections, at least as a draft, but I know of opinions that show against it because such reflection consists of disastrous consequences consisting of a projected feeling, but that in themselves for me are appropriate precisely because they allow me to perfect the scheme until it becomes one of use in terms of visualization and consequent practice where I observe that it results in usefulness, essentially to empathize with what until now is observed.

I feel a little annoyed. I have nothing to do. I'm on vacation. Tomorrow should be a day I plan to go to work, but vacation takes me out of my routine. It's not something I enjoy. I loved being there at work. I felt like they were forcing my mind to focus on something else. Without work, I feel like my days will be the same, that I won't face anything new. Being alone in my house fills me.

The solitude of my house is overwhelming. I don't feel like reading or writing anything, even though I have that hobby, because I'm flooded with ideas. It's not a question of therapy, which has me very disappointed. I haven't been lucky enough to find a good therapist either. It saddens me not to have relationships that go beyond work.

There are two girls I interact with. Work is the only place where I have relationships because on the outside, they're barely a one-off contact, even though there are intentions from beyond. These girls only interact within the workplace, and the approaches that are appropriate for such events always involve the fear of losing out on a matter beyond the workplace.

I feel very sad. I have no one to talk to. I won't talk to my coworker or my boss, with whom I felt that supportive company. I enjoyed their games, their considerations, and those scoldings that reinforced order. I felt protected by this, as well as by higher-ranking authorities, who I feel respect me in a loving way. When I'm at home, it's just me.

My father may be there, who is the only person I count on, but I have to admit that nothing is the same for him. I barely see him once a week, and it's only to maintain the relationship as a means of supporting me with income. It's something I feel hypocritical about, although lately I've tried to keep contact brief so as not to raise as many hopes as possible for a future beyond such encounters, for a closeness that could pave the way for us together. These meetings, precisely, allow us to emphasize that everyone is on their own, as long as the economic issue is present, since otherwise it will become a struggle in which there will be attempts to disrupt each other's routine, just as meetings would be more numerous each week.

Frankly, I loved being at work. Now, my only friends these days are my walks, the television, and access to the internet, nothing more, where no one speaks to me knowing it's me, but instead I rejoice in more knowledge, which, for the one I have, is already overwhelming due to the fact that it creates a distance from others, which has long since tired me out. I have to admit that distancing myself from my reflections has given me the benefit of being more in touch with others, due to the fact that I don't sophisticate my language. However, I feel this has been a betrayal on my part, since I truly enjoy such a matter.

this is my first time posting to a website like this, so i'm a little nervous but i don't know what else to do. i've been dealing with some heavy weight recently and the problems that i once ignored are piling up on me and it's been really taking a toll on me. to give you a brief summary: my mother dislikes me, i've realized that i am somewhat disconnected from everyone in my life, opening up to people on an intimate, personal level scares me so i'm on this site instead, and lastly i feel weirdly hollow. every conversation with another person is incredibly painful for me, and i wish to cut contact with everyone and live my life as a recluse; at the same time i love people and i don't wish to separate from them. it's like, a weird oscillation of sorts. i don't want to sound too self-pitying but i wish that i could open up to others without any fear. for a long time i've always adhered to people, morphed myself accordingly but in the process i've fractured my sense of self lol and presently im trying to gain it back but ive realized just how empty of person ive been. i have so many problems but i feel like i can't tell anyone them and being emotionally genuine, with other people, is something that makes me want to throw up. distracting myself with projects, other people, or using the internet to forget about my reality. truth is, the few times ive 'opened' up to someone i tell them something miniscule that i don't truly care about just to keep the barrier there. my friendships i leave open and ambiguous, i've hurt a lot of people in the past because of this but i keep on moving forwards but this will definitely come to bit me in the future. i wish i could say that i feel remorse for them and i do, but it's never to the extent of their emotions. i do not love people, but i care about them even from afar and oh this turned into me ranting, lol sorry to whoever took the time to read this but you get the gist. there's a lot of other stuff as well but it'd be really awkward saying everything. i am attempting change but it's been hard, i'm getting somewhere though. just needed to get this off my chest lol, been feeling very depressed and heavy lately

i don’t really know when things started to go sideways between me and my dad, but it’s been like this for a while now. i’m 17, and honestly, it feels like he’s just constantly disappointed in me. it’s like no matter what i do, it’s not good enough. if i get a B, he asks why it’s not an A. if i help out at home, he’ll point out what i missed instead of what i did. i get that parents want the best for their kids, but man, this feels like something else. he talks to my brother like he’s proud of him all the time, even when he does half the things i do. like, does he even realize the difference in how he treats us? i don’t expect a trophy or anything, just maybe a “hey, good job” once in a while wouldn’t hurt. when he gets mad, he doesn’t yell much—he just gives that cold, silent stare that makes you feel like nothing. that’s the worst part, honestly.

i remember once, i spent two weeks working on this art project for school. i even stayed up all night trying to get the shading right, and i thought it came out decent. i showed it to him, kinda hoping for at least a nod or something, and all he said was, “that’s what you stayed up for?” like, bro, come on. it’s just little stuff like that, over and over again. i know i’m not perfect—no one is—but is it really that hard to say something nice for once? sometimes i wonder if he even likes having me around. maybe i remind him of something he doesn’t like, or maybe he just doesn’t vibe with daughters the same way he does with sons. i know that sounds kinda dumb, but it’s crossed my mind more than once. he’s never said anything directly mean, but the way he acts says enough. i try not to let it get to me, but it chips away little by little;

some days i just sit in my room thinking, “what did i do to make him so cold?” and maybe it’s not even about me, maybe he’s just going through his own stuff and i’m taking it personal when i shouldn’t. but how can i not? when someone lives in the same house and barely acknowledges you unless it’s to correct or criticize, it’s hard not to feel like it’s you. i’ve talked to my mom about it a couple times, and she just says “he’s like that” or “he means well,” but like… does he really? i don’t need a perfect dad, just one that doesn’t make me feel invisible. have you ever felt like someone is just tolerating you, not really seeing you for who you are? that’s how it feels. so yeah, i don’t hate him or anything, i’m just tired of trying so hard to be enough. maybe he doesn’t hate me, but if he doesn’t—why does it feel like he does?

I don't have a diagnosis yet but I'm sure that I'm not a mean or evil person, maybe I'm a little bit dramatic and all that shit but I'm fine with it, and if I'm alive it's because of my true friends and my family, they're my ground to earth over and over again

So I was hanging out of VR-Chat with a few friends in a military sim and we were doing combat as usual. My sister tells me that dinner is ready, but I cant leave because its FUCKING ONLINE, and I don't want to disrespect my friends by leaving suddenly. This little ASSHOLE TURNED OFF MY SURGE PROTECTOR without me knowing, leading to my headset dying out of nowhere. I spent a few moments trying to figure out WHY my headset is dead, and refuses to charge. I plug it back in, pull the entire cord out of the socket, just to figure out that she turned it off. I can't trust my family anymore because of shit like this. This is the FIFTH WEEK that I had to go black-comms (leave) on promotions day, because nobody in my goddamn household wants me to be happy, or have friends, and then they complain that I never go outside. THEY ARE THE ONES MAKING ME TOO GODDAMN NERVOUS TO LEAVE MY FUCKING BEDROOM! I asked her if she turned off my surge protector, and she denied it like the insolent disgrace that she is. My next suspect is my mom because the constantly ignores my privacy and acts like doors mutes every sound ever, and whenever I shot her a text, asking if she did it; she also denies it and says "Im sorry your headset died", as if that is going to magically charge my headset to 100% and replace the dying batteries in it. One of those two did it, because I KNOW my dad cant take his lazy ass upstairs, he's too much of a drunk to do that. I just want to go through ONE FUCKING PROMOTIONS MEETING without having to leave early before the promotions even happen; is that too much for someone to do? Its EVERY. FUCKING. SATURDAY with these people. NO! I don't want to go eat shitty seafood with a deadbeat, a dumbass, and a spoiled brat. NO! I don't want to go swimming in Florida heat with 1K mosquitoes sucking my blood. JUST LET ME PLAY IN PIECE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

(sorry for the amount of cussing, I get heated easily)

i've been wondering why tears flow when I'm boiling with anger. it seems counterproductive, right? you’d expect steam, not water, when someone’s fuming. emotions like anger and sadness seem poles apart, yet they intertwine in the strangest way. is it the autonomic nervous system playing tricks, or a spillover from some emotional reservoir? ever screamed into a pillow and ended up sobbing?

think about cortisol—the stress hormone. when you’re angry, cortisol levels spike, and adrenaline kicks in. your heart races and your muscles tense. but then the tears come, almost as if your body’s betraying you. perhaps it’s a mechanism to signal distress. some experts suggest crying during anger can be a "safety valve" to prevent an emotional explosion. makes sense, doesn’t it? but why must it involve the humiliation of public tears?

i remember a situation at work, where a colleague's dismissiveness lit the fuse of my temper. suddenly, tears welled up against my will, in front of everyone! i felt mortified. one might argue it's part of "emotional intelligence," our body’s way of soliciting support by displaying vulnerability. yet, in that boardroom, did i really want vulnerability over asserting my point? and what about you? have you been caught in a swirl of emotions, with your tear ducts betraying your steely exterior?

there's a notion that crying serves as a cathartic release, purging pent-up emotions. it’s akin to rebooting a system overloaded by a whirlwind of feelings. so maybe, just maybe, those tears during a fury aren't enemies but allies pushing towards equilibrium. despite this understanding, it still feels like a betrayal in moments needing strength over softness. would it be different if society viewed emotional tears as strength rather than weakness? maybe the real question is not just why we cry when mad, but how do we learn to accept it?

I feel like I’m approving but not? Just very slowly.

And right now I think I’m more hostile? Like whenever I ask if my dad can make dinner (at 7pm) he’ll always say “uhmmmm” or not respond? It may seem not that big of a deal but after hearing that everyday for 5 years as a new teenager?? That’s gonna drive you insane! And then I have to figure out what to eat and look, and I feel he should be able to do this on his own??? ( he’s home all day doing nothing.) And then when I figure it out then he takes 20 minutes before actually starting to cook!! It may seem selfish or unreasonable but imagine yourself a new teenager with unstable hormones having to deal with unsure hums and no responses. And it’s also that I have no patience to repetition of verbal words!!! And often I’ve been just so annoyed with him talking to me since it feels wrong…? Like for 5 years you’ve could’ve done that but it’s too late now. Like I appreciate it but I don’t and it hurts.

But recently I’ve been working at my community center doing hours helping out playing with babies! It’s getting a bit annoying but every job is like that lol! And I’m still pushing by, by making these writings. And I went to the beach after work with my auntie and cousin, we went looking for crabs and found some but only baby ones. But it was really fun!! And we even ate some food at this new diner! And even if it was something small it made me feel wanted and appreciated??

There's a face I put on all my life

The face of an angel

I look in the mirror only to find

The face of a stranger

I found out that I have NPD and I'm happy for it

More ways to manipulate people on the road

man, i seriously screwed up this time. like what the hell was i even thinking? I'm 19, supposed to have my head on straight, but obviously, that's too much to ask for. so yeah, i cheated on my girlfriend, and now I'm sitting here feeling like the dumbest idiot to ever walk this earth. it ain't rocket science to be faithful, right? yet somehow, in my twisted brain, i found the loophole to mess it all up. it's not like i meant for this to happen, it wasn't even a planned thing, just a random, spur-of-the-moment stupid decision.

i mean, she's such a great girl; always there for me, supporting my crazy dreams when nobody else does. and what does she get in return? a boyfriend who likes to muck things up royally! like, how cool is that, folks? sometimes, i just wanna slap my past self and yell, “what the heck is wrong with you, man?” did my conscience take a vacation when this happened, or was i just not using the brain cells I'm supposed to have at 19? god, can things be messed up any more than this?

i remember that night vividly, you know? a few of us were chilling, one drink led to another, and before i know it, I'm making decisions dumber than a headless chicken. imagine realizing that one moment of stupidity can dismantle trust you took months, even years to build. honestly, i thought i was mature, handling life better than a lot of my friends drowning in drama. guess what? drama: 1, me: 0. anyone else been in that pit where you dig and dig but never seem to hit bottom?

but seriously, how do you even begin to fix something like this? first step: stop feeling sorry for myself, maybe. acknowledge that i was a total prick and try to make amends. but can you mend something that's totally shattered? do i even deserve another chance, or is it time to face the music and admit that i blew it? guess I'll find out soon enough. lesson learned? maybe, and you bet your *$! I’ll be wary next time my stupid brain decides to take a vacation again. isn't growing up a mess, though? 🤷‍♂️

Sigh I will just wallow in my feelings. I dunno what to think about it.. I wanna scream and shout and I dunno. Fck.