Life Stories and Everyday Drama

Its enough ive done all I can think of chased down all my demons, ive seen you do the same.

ive honestly had a lot going on in my life right now. im still doing my education, not even old enough for an internship. my parents are struggling a lot financially and my moms selling away everything she has and honestly idk theres been sm problems, people coming from bank and all of that. recently i also got used for my body and cheated on by my ex, which led me to depression and really bad grades. i didnt have anyone to talk bout it honestly, it was the most traumatic thing ive been through. i feel lonely, it seems like life is not going anywhere and im just existing and surviving you know? its exhausting yeah. ive been having a lot of hair fall and found many grey hair too, i lost 8kgs due to depression, i was suicidal around that time and barely ate anything or slept at all. it was a hard time for me, but im glad im getting out of it. but it still doesnt seem like other things are better around me. school staffs have been bugging me about my grades and yea i didnt try i know, i just gave up, i just feel incapable and it crushes me so bad. i just hope i get out of this trance and get a better life, i try my best to work on myself atleast but yea itll need time.

i had a bf, i genuinely loved him more than anything in this world, i was ready to do everything and anything for him. i was very serious about him so i thought ok let me do it with him, i was happy at first, but later things changed..

the first time we did it idk it was so lusty but i ignored it. and then as time went he used to become distant and barely texted me, and if we ever met it was only making out and sex, and particularly cuz he kept begging for it. i was very stupid enough to agree to everything although he treats me like im his fwb. he used to beg me for blowjob and sex and he'd keep asking until i say yes, one day i slapped him cuz he was forcing me to do it, he faked his tears so hard BYE WTF. but ukw i still had to console him and let him cry on my shoulders for what he did, i felt so shit, what had i gotten myself into in the name of love. and once again we met, had sex, midway i started crying, i had never weeped so loud infront of a man or anyone at all, i cried and i asked "why dont you love me anymore" he said no i do love you and tried to brush it off, his words never matched his actions, he was cold and distant, used to meet his ex behind my back.

once we had broken up, that time i had flirted with a dude and after few days my bf and i started talking again cuz we thought of getting back and thought we could fix the problem. i came clean and told him bout flirting with someone. he told me tht he never expected this whore behaviour from me, and my periods had been late that month too, he told me he didnt care if i was pregnant and wanted to block me completely. i was scared, but after few months i found out that he had A WHOLE RELATIONSHIP going on right after we had broken up for sometime. he was so egoistic to do tht to me.

things got messier, i kept letting him in me and idk i really was stupid, and then i broke up cuz i couldnt stand it anymore. he used to blackmail me and say shit like i tried to cut myself i hung myself and bs like tht, he didnt let me live in peace, so i told his mom. he texted me with so much anger and said "just cuz you are on your luteal doesnt mean you act up bitch", i was so. i just yea damn.

after i broke up i went thru depression, i realised all this time he was just using me for my body, i genuinely became suicidal and couldnt take it anymore. someone i trusted wanted me only for my body, and still had his eyes wandering even after i gave him everything.

i somehow came out of it and two months passed by.

we started talking again. the worst decision i made. we tried to date again and we stayed for few days we tried to fix everything but nothing worked, i was very insecure and had trust issues, as time went i logged on to his insta acc, i saw so many women. so many fucking women that i just i couldnt, he had called me a bop to everyone in those two months when we werent together and he had done so much. when i confronted him about it he said "my friend did everything". his own friend didnt accept on doing it. it was very evident tht he was lying. the level of pain i had gone thru was so bad but i put myself thru it on my own. right after i broke up and he had tried to message me everywhere and one of the msgs read "go have sex with another guy and get pregnant, if you ever want abortion money just text my friend and ill send it to you" and i had no words, ive lost my v card only with him.

next day after breaking up he went and met another girl and few days later hooked up with his ex. but yea sure im the whore according to him

idk but him using me for my body was the worst trauma ever. its been months and im still not over it

Our CEO has a very unrealistic expectations to us. She would give the work at 11am and have the result by 1? What the fuck? Am i not allowed to take my lunch????

I met a guy 2 years ago online. he sent me a voice message first and I just sent a question mark. Then we started talking and talking he was a cute guy and made me laugh, I sent him some videos and he sent me some. He once even told me he would take me to the amusement park so we could have fun like kids if we were in the same city (We both were teens). as we talked he recommended me songs. He even sang some

(ignore if I have mistakes, English is not my first language). Things were sweet and cute. I had family issues back then like now so he was the only one making me smile and forget about bad things, so yeah I got attached to him. I was texting him in my fake account so I had another girl in my profile. after I trusted him I sent him a picture of myself and told him that I am actually this. he was even sweet then, he told me he can help me improve my style -We've talked about that too- but I got stressed and blocked him (I wish it stayed like that)

Later I couldn't forget him so I texted him in another account I created and we talked there too. I told him I was sorry for suddenly blocking him etc. he didn't see anything bad in that and accepted me but told me I shouldn't fake myself. (yeah fair enough). As we talked things got a bit out of hand. because I always sent him a photo of me I liked. one day it even came to being s3xualized. I don't remember how but we came to that topic. He wanted a photo of my chest (I'm so sorry if these are triggering you, please don't continue) I was reluctant at first but I fucking did it. Then I deleted it. and I thought he didn't have the photo anymore too. Later the days he told me we should do s3xting and I refused. and he said it wouldn't hurt. i obviously refused him again. Then he sent me the photo I sent him a couple of days ago. (Yes that one). Clearly threatening me to share it around without saying anything. So I just wrote a paragraph about how I trusted him and how I wanted to be near him but how he disappointed me. and I logged out of the account. after a couple of days I logged in and the chats were still there and he didn't even block me. Instead he had even video called me after the paragraph. I panicked and just deleted all the evidence and the account there. I am grateful that I didn't use my actual account because I think he could've threatened me to send it to my parents. But I still hate myself for that I should've known that he was a bad person and I should've kept him blocked from the first time. He is now mature and keeps living his life while I think and rot here again and again. he even makes some small contents and dubs. It just popped in my feed a couple of weeks ago and I don't know.

I did some research and I should've gone to the police. but I don't even have any evidence. and I just let it go like that. even after 2 years it still haunts me I've never told anyone about this I just wanted to vent here

What is it called when you love someone but the minute they love you back- you back away. Maybe I do this because I’m scared or maybe because I like the chase more than the prize. I don’t know…all I know is that I sabotage myself all the damn time. And I’m tired. I want something serious but that would mean making room for heartache. They say love is worth the pain but how much pain can one handle before breaking? I’ve been cheated on so many times- I’m starting to wonder if I’m cursed y’all.

-Xoxo

You arrive when the world goes still, when the dark makes room for honesty, no matter how carefully I spent the day avoiding your name. I replay the moment I changed everything with a few trembling words. I rehearse my confession the way others recite prayers, not for forgiveness, but for punishment. Your expression—kind, careful, already closing, has become a permanent fixture in my mind, and I study it as though it might eventually explain what I did wrong beyond loving you too much, too openly, too soon. You did nothing except remain who you were. I was the one who mistook safety for promise, proximity for permission, friendship for a future that existed only in my heart. Now I lie awake stitching together memories, wishing I could rewind myself into the girl who loved you quietly. When loving you only hurt this much in my dreams.

I would like to start by saying I am a teenager, and I understand that that could bring some judgement to my story, but I feel that it is necessary for accurate comprehension and feedback. Also, disclaimer, I tend to ramble, but I will try to keep it as brief as possible, but there will be much backstory. Starting at the beginning, about a year ago me and this guy I liked and was kind of friends with started texting. We'll call him Alex. At first, he was just asking why my friend, we'll call her Eva, had been teasing him and I and if it meant anything. I dodged the question and we agreed to pretend it didn't happen, but later that day he texted again asking about schoolwork, so I jumped at the opportunity. I had liked him for several months, and had been considering doing this, so I suggested sending each other trivia questions to prepare for knowledge bowl. After that we just hit it off. When I tell you we texted 24/7, I mean it. Any time we weren't busy; it was constant. It really screams "screenager" but we were obsessed with taking to each other. And it wasn't your basic teenage texting, like "hey wyd" and stuff like that. We had playful conversations, deep conversations, just really started to get to know each other, going from one thing to the next and filling any empty space with trivia. I know him better than his parents do. It wasn't too long before he became one of my best friends, if not #1. And I told him this. However... we were not great at actually interacting in person. It was always pretty awkward, especially since we're both socially awkward people in general, so in person interactions didn't happen all that often. But the second we got home, things started rolling again. It may seem stupid and a dumb childish thing, and I agree, but honestly seeing each other just made both of our brains fry. But we really did try. About 3 months into this, we finally admitted that we liked each other but decided not to put a label on it because we were practically incapable of talking face to face. So we continued as we were, best friends and constant virtual companions that flirted and knew they liked each other. After another couple of months, mid summer, things started going downhill. I was dealing with family stuff and it was really hard on me so I resorted to pushing him away. I told him things weren't working out, and we didn't talk for 2 months. It was a hard time for both of us; neither had truly lost feelings and his mental health went way down. (He had had a history with mental issues that I was not entirely aware of at the time) Once school started up again, Eva became besties with Alex. (in her point of view, Alex says he never thought they were that close) I'm going to be honest, I may still hold this against her a little bit. She's one of my best friends, and she thought it was okay to start texting and always talking to and talking about him. It got to the point where Alex was practically all Eva's mom would talk about. But she claimed there was no interest there (she was being truthful, both ways, but the friendship still hurt) To be fair, he was the only person she knew in that class, but it got excessive. Eventually, though, Alex started asking Eva about me and I was definitely asking about him too, and one day she told me that Alex said he never actually stopped liking me and missed me. This broke me because I felt the same. So, Eva made the decision to force us into a group chat to talk. It went really well, we started talking like we used to again and worked everything out. Same stage as before though, "more than friends with potential for label". Alex and I got way better at interacting in person, and he, Eva, Eva's new boyfriend Remy, their friend Erik, and I all became kind of a friend group. To shorten it up, Remy was booted after not long. Alex and I finally decided we were ready and became official. To give you a time frame, it had been 9 months since we started talking. (oh and for the record, we had started saying "I love you" a month before we were official, which seems backwards, and I probably seem dumb and naive for saying this but we really do love each other) Anyways, not even a week after we started dating, he found out his parents were divorcing. It hit Alex really hard, and his mental health dropped, badly. As I said, even when he was really young he had issues with depression and suicidal thoughts, and everything pretty much skyrocketed. Here's where I stop the buildup and get to the conflict between Alex and Eva. Alex had had recent issues with her trying to take all my attention, but it was a pretty minor thing. Other than that, Eva had been very persistent ever since they became friends to get Alex to open up to her. He is a pretty closed off person and is slow to trust. She pushed and pushed and wouldn't let up. I understand the want to help and have people open up to you, but I also think it is important to consider boundaries and trust. Anyways, she eventually slowed down on the pushing. However, when the divorce first started being a thing, Erik and I told Eva that he really needed his friends' support, but she basically said she didn't have the energy to care or deal with it right now. I'm going to try to sum it up. Alex was really upset about this and decided if she didn't care he wouldn't care about being her friend, Eva felt that this was unfair and that she had tried so hard before and was always there for people and just needed a break. This is where it rooted, and more problems sprouted from this. Erik liked Eva but she didn't like him, but she was definitely doing things to lead him on then would just cut him off completely, and Alex used that as another reason to pull himself and Erik away from her. Among a few other little things. Eva still believed this was unfair and she didn't deserve it. And In full honesty, Eva really is a good person and a good friend. This went on for a little bit, Alex being cold, Erik being indecisive, Eva feeling betrayed, and me trying to keep everyone happy. Eva would ask Alex why he hates her now, and usually he would avoid the question, but eventually he gave in and started listing things he hated her for. Eva was really hurt and called me saying that he was a terrible person and yada yada yada. It was really hard for me to be on both sides of this, because I really did see both of their points. And especially hard since I was also trying to help Alex get through the divorce and not let the mental issues make him do something stupid, if you know what I mean. But I ultimately leaned towards Alex's side of the conflict. Eva and I are still just as close of friends, and I tried to be there for her while she was hurting and felt like everyone hated her, but she could tell and was upset that I was moreso taking Alex's side. As of right now, Alex and Eva hate each other, Alex tried his best to avoid coexisting with her and when he has to, I'll admit he makes some unnecessary comments, which I talk to him about. Eva hates Alex and won't admit it but I think she's judging me for staying with him. She gets passive aggressive when I spend time with him that could've been spent with her but she tries to pretend she's okay with it. And it's not like I always choose him over her and ignore her, that's not the case. As for Erik, he is still friends with both of them. I think both sides have valid points, and both sides have the support of people I trust. Sometimes I'm worried I should feel bad for staying with a guy that treats my very close friend like that, but I talk to him about it and ask him to be kinder, and considering the points leading up I really am not sure if he's in the wrong for that. Also, just as an explanation, I included all that backstory to explain I wasn't just going against one of my closest friends for "some guy", because to me he's so much more. I'm trying to balance two relationships with people that both mean the world to me but hate each other.

I want to preface this by saying my bf may be undiagnosed neurodivergent and his parents didn’t get him the necessary tools he’d need as an adult so I do empathize with that… but I won’t make this long but I will also try to be as detailed as I can. Me and my bf met on Facebook and we have been together every day since our first date. This was new for me so shacking up almost immediately wasn’t on my bingo card for sure but it worked. There were a lot of things we went through together and separate where we had to be there for one another.. we have been together practically three years and he doesn’t know how to really communicate well or express his emotions well and I am a very vocal person but sometimes the deliverance isn’t the best I can account for that but I like to talk and he shuts down. Says I’m always arguing or trying to “debate” when I see it simply as communicating. So we never really talk. Like have deep meaningful conversations. I have to almost beg to be cuddled sometimes like he is affectionate at times but certain time I have to direct it. Which I am not a physical person myself so I get it but he should see I love to cuddle if I like asking but he always seems to make it seem like a chore to do it .. he also has grabbed me by my face arms once by the neck.. and wrists.. he’s not all bad he doesn’t cheat he does anything for me but idk I think I know the answer I just want someone else to weigh in on it. The fact im ashamed to discuss it with friends and family says it all..

I’m 31, Male, single, no kids. I feel like im at the edge of bridge just waiting to jump. I’m so fucking angry all the time. I really hate the way my life has turned out. I’ve lost every ounce of happiness in my body.

I hate the way I feel I hate the way I live. I’m so tired of it.

I only feel depressed and angry with a short fuse all the time. I’m living with my grandparents and my mother, because my grandparents are in their 80s and my grandfather is going through stages of dementia. It’s sad to see and deal with. He constantly walks around the house looking lost. He can’t do much anymore but is still active (goes grocery shopping, the doctors). He gets confused about basic shit all the time, and we are constantly having to explain the same things over and over again. He’s always trying to do physical work but has 0 strength in his hands. I have to help him all the time, with everything. Now I’m not mad at him for asking for help. But I feel frustrated all the time because I’m trying to balance my life at the same time. I was long time alcoholic/addict. I haven’t drank in 5 years. But I quit smoking weed again about 3 weeks ago.

I’ve been in construction for 10 years and the last 5 have been a blessing and a fucking nightmare. I worked for a small shop, only 5-10 guys max and we have to do everything and we’ve had constant problems, whether it be the guys installing shit wrong and I’m fixing it. The project manager not ordering the correct materials, setting unrealistic goals like being at 2 or 3 different places in the same day to measure, install, make deliveries, all sorts of shit. And when he’s wrong, it’s not as simple as saying “hey this showed up, it’s not enough or this is the wrong part” no you have to build a whole case to PROVE he was wrong. We hit a rough patch the last 2 years because of a piss poor installer, that was their baby, he was stealing hours, installing shit wrong all the time. Never gave a fuck about anything. We fired him and then fired a superintendent that was an asshole to everyone. There have been only 4 guys in the field. And it’s been trying to play catch up, fixing all the problems, trying to take on new jobs, dealing with everything. It never stops and hasn’t. We are all burnt out big time. And it got bad enough to where me and another guy got laid off back in November, and there’s only our foreman and one leadman doing all the work. And the PM just takes time off whenever he wants. So shit isn’t and can’t get done.

I’m pissed off without a job and pissed off with one.

Into my personal life. I quit drinking, quit smoking. I don’t do shit anymore I used to skate when I was younger and go out frequently with my friends. I was only going to work and going home these last 5 years. Barely went on any vacation. And now I just feel so lonely and abandoned, none of my friends invite me to do anything anymore. Like for example my best friend hasn’t called me or anything in months, the last time he called he just wanted to use my truck to help him move into his new apartment, and same for my cousin, haven’t heard from him for months and just called to use my truck. And when I’ve called for help “busy”. Pieces of shit, they don’t remember years ago, when I used to drive them around everywhere, take them to work when they didn’t have a car, listen to all their hardships over the phone. Now when I really need it the most they are busy dealing with life. We fucking all are we all have problems. I’m just so angry at them now. My best friend chooses his Gen Z 20 year old co workers to hangout with. My cousin and his gf (known her for 25 years) is still best friends with my ex gf who was a cheater, mentally ill schizophrenic (not being a dick, she actually is) hooked on Xanax, accusing me of cheating all the time. Constant fighting, multiple 5150s, and just all sorts of shit. It was hell. And I still have dreams about her and it drives me crazy me nuts. When I got sober, I got counseling and therapy and talked about all of this. Why does it still haunt me almost 10 years later?

I feel so scared for my future and everything going on all at the same time. I have constant anxiety, depression and just anger. It makes me not want to do anything but just stay inside but that drives me nuts to. I walk my dog 5 miles everyday, I workout a few times a week. I try to cook all my food from scratch. I try to play video games. I just started reading books again. But it seems like nothing helps. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so fucking alone and so much stress and pressure. I wish I had friends again or gf but I really don’t want to experience anymore bullshit right now.

If this was a hard read for people I’m sorry, my mind is all over the place. I haven’t done anything about these feelings in years just being a man and dealing with it. I was just trying to put as many thoughts out there on paper to help alleviate this feeling. This is my first post idk how this site works yet. Im an open book, I’ll answer any questions you may have. Thanks for reading my jumbled mess.

Okay so basically there's this girl called Megan and im friends with her sister, Tegan. They're twins btw. Megan has been getting my friend group into trouble for YEARS. The way she would do that was by bothering me and my friends and Tegan has a very short temper, so she would always tell Megan to stop and then Megan would cry crocodile tears to the teachers and make it seem like Tegan was bothering her. Now recently, me and my friend were talking and we saw Megan teaching someone how to do the Gabriela hands. Me and my friend absolutely HATE Megan, so I said to my friend "wow Erica's doing better than Megan" (which is a really shitty thing to say). I know that I sound really mean, but if you added up all the times that Megan was meant to me vs all the times I was mean to Megan, Megan would win by a landslide.then she heard me say that and then she went up to me and said "you dont always have to say something". after that she told her friends. her friends went up to me and started questioning me about if I said that to Megan. I was super nervous, so I just started fidgeting with my stress ball and I didnt say anything. This was during our 1st lunch break. when it was the second lunch break, Megan and her friend came up to me and my friends and started saying stuff like "hey bestie" to me. Tegan got SUPER angry and she started arguing with Megan. I kept telling Tegan to stop escalating the situation because she was making it worse for me. She didnt listen. After the bell rang, Megan's friend, Zara, told me to apologise, so I did. Megan said "I dont forgive you". So then when we went inside she told a teacher. so then. I was outside in the hallway with Megan, my homeroom teacher and Megan's homeroom teacher. The teachers started teaching me like a sociopath, who has no empathy. they were asking me questions like "do you think people don't have feelings?". Megan was crying crocodile tears again and she would constantly interupt me when I was talking. Megan's homeroom teacher then had the audacity to say "and of course Zara was being a good friend telling (my name) to apologise". which honestly just made me want to throw a chair at her. after getting harassed by 2 grown women, I went to the bathroom and started crying. Now, there have been a lot of times when my teacher would yell at me for doing normal stuff. like I was packing up for home time like everyone else and my teacher was just like "(my name) and (my friends name) stop packing up!" when literally everyone else was packing up. So then my mom had a chat with my teacher and told her about all the times that Megan has been two faced. After that my teacher was nicer to me, but even nicer to Megan. im also on the student council so I was judging for the talent show and when we told her who we picked for 3rd, 2nd and 1st place, she forced us to make Megan 4th place so that Megan would get a prize. I've honestly always felt like I dont belong here since im an immigrant and that teachers just aren't nice to me at all. like im a smart kid, im not usually mean, I dont ever misbehave and im always trying hard in class, so I dont get what makes teachers hate me. am I just overreacting?

i kinda have to use politics for this story, pls dont read if you're just gonna argue down below!!

i have an older brother, theres a 5 year difference between the two of us. our dad passed away almost three years ago but thats not when i first noticed my brother's opinions.

for context, we both live in our mom's house. mom has always been the bread winner and provider in our family, since my dad was an alcoholic and rarely contributed. the only thing i feel is important to mention is that mom can be aloof and cold. shes very 'stoic' in that sense.

back during covid, when andrew tate blew up, i noticed my bro watching him a lot, which concerned me. i spoke to my mom about it and she clearly didnt care.

since then, he's collected the 'basic' far right beliefs like pokemon. i assume you know what i mean, stuff like 'women are emotional, men are logical', 'women cook and clean and men provide', 'men are dominant and women are submissive'. which is ironic but whatever.

he has a history of being weird to (girl) friends i bring over, he claims to have several women and calls himself a pimp, etc.

recently, presidential elections took place where we live (not US elections), and he was very open about voting for the far right candidate. mom scolded him. whenever she scolds him, he acts like a puppy but quietly keeps his mindset if that makes sense.

im certain he's depressed. he doesnt shower, (and when he does, he only uses water because soap is for women and it would raise his 'estrogen' and make him 'a little bitch' im so deadass) he only leaves his room to go the gym, he doesnt sleep, he drinks hella energy drinks.

recently, he's been reposting concerning stuff on tiktok and instagram; things that point to body dysmorphia, testosterone, steroid use, that type of stuff, on top of the usual degrading misogynistic stuff.

my mom knows all this, she just doesnt seem to really care (?). i mean, he is a grown man. its also no secret that he was neglected growing up. (we both were, but i imagine he had it worse being the older sibling) the thing is that ive been very forward about seeking help. i pestered my mom about therapy, psychiatrist, antidepressants, all that. i also got my brother to see a therapist a couple of times and the therapist recommended he goes to the psychiatrist and seeks a more serious treatment, at which point everyone in our family collectively agreed that he doesnt need anything like that. nobody even asked him what he thinks.

i'm convinced if nobody does anything, he'll die from either suicide or heart problems (from energy drinks and possibly steroids, tho im not positive on that one)

im very worried about him, and really frustrated that nobody else seems to notice. ive spoken to him before, there were instances where he talked a little bit about how he was treated growing up and my instinct was to call it cringe and leave, but i shut my bitchass up and listened. there were also instances where i asked questions and only got an 'idunno' in return. and of course there's the instances where he claims i wouldnt understand anything because im a girl.

the way he thinks is very black and white, very binary, is what i noticed.

please let me know if anything is unclear, and feel free to ask questions since theres stuff im probably forgetting rn.

i'll take advice from anyone but im particularly interested to hear any young men speak on this if possible

thanks for reading!

Honestly just wondering, at what point is it enough to say that there's no reason to be alive. I feel like I could probably achieve some of the things that I may have wanted in the past, but I genuinely think I'd just rather kill myself.

Between interpersonal success and self actualization, I'd say those are the only things which could motivate me to keep living, but I just don't think it's practical to expect anything from myself in the kind of timeline that would make it worthwhile. I deal with paranoia, autism, panic disorder, BPD, OCD, and a very faint sense of identity. I have creative hobbies like art, music, learning about different cultures, studying languages and learning about history, but none of them would lead me to a stable job. As far as physical health, I've been struggling to gain weight and put on muscle due to diet and I hesitate to make changes to my diet due to my OCD. I consider myself average to unattractive as far as looks go, and I honestly don't even care because I hate others more than enough not to care what they think. I'm not on speaking terms with my mother, my father and both of my sisters rarely speak to me even though they claim to care about me, I have a couple of online friends from high school but I don't speak to them often either. I'm in a couple of communities at my university but in all of them I'm basically the guy that no one knows how to approach.

Until now, I'd wanted to change the world for people like me who are struggling despite having had some kind of potential, but idk, I'm tired. I know that people like me never get anywhere in life, that I've never had a stable relationship in my life and that puts me years behind everyone else developmentally. I know that I've had enough bad experiences that I'd just rather save myself the regret and hide in my room all day, but at that point I'll just be doing myself a favor by letting myself rest instead of continuing to deteriorate.

I'm young, I've been told that I'm an intelligent person and that I have a lot of things going for me, but every time I try to act on the smallest ambition I have, I regret it. I could very feasibly get a girlfriend this year or in the next couple months. I could very feasibly get a part-time job to start working on my resume. I could very feasibly talk to program administers about the projects I've wanted to do after graduating and get real support on those, but I don't really care. Modern dating sucks and though I'd like to have someone, chances are they disappoint me or disgust me like everyone else, and I don't ever really buy myself anything so I'd only be working to be out of my dorm. I don't even really care at this point about changing the world, people like me shouldn't exist. I wanted to create a world where no one like me would have to exist but everyone like me is probably just gonna kill themselves anyway.

I regret my life. I gave myself a suicide date when I was 14 and said I'd wait until I was 28 (I figured my life already sucked enough then that I'd give myself another 14 years just to see), but genuinely, why would I? I feel so far behind everyone else that something as basic as going outside gives me panic attacks. Everyone who tries to help me ultimately gets pushed away by my paranoia and I just don't have a place in society unless I go out and create one for myself which takes time, effort and skill which would mean that one way or another I lose out on my entire youth getting to the point where I would have been if I hadn't been neglected or born with these issues. I'm in therapy and it overall hasn't helped me to do any of the things I need to do.

I don't want to keep playing the "if only" game. It is what it is and I want to stop being forced to pretend that one day I'll live a normal life. Lemme know if this counts for a good enough reason to kms.

Just to sign off I miss my friend a lot. She was the last person I think I could trust and I'm debating whether or not having her cut me off last year was a good enough last straw.

I've been feeling this for quite a while..it's like getting worse and worse. The mechanisms I turn to in order to not kill myself hasn't worked. I've been passively suicidal for months but I think I'm at the stage where I wanna plan. Idk, I've been trying not to be this way. I've been trying to look for friends, take care of myself, have goals, do school, whatever I'm supposed to do. Yet my mental illness is still here, coping without solving the actual issue. It doesn't matter how clean I am or how toned my muscles get.

I've seen others have support systems during dark times like this, idk how they did that but I've tried and all I really got was romantic or sexual attention, I don't post myself at all so idk why. I just wanna rest and pass way. I could fly. I wanna go in a peaceful way tho. I should probably go chat a hotline but idk if this is really an emergency, Its not like I have a plan yet or a way to kill myself yet. I've just been feeling like this everyday and idk how to stop.

If anyone has advice or reasons to live then do share. 🩷🖤

helloo!! I haven't used this website before so sorry if my story gets boring or messy. I'm currently in year 12 (11th grade i think) and i feel like none of my hard work will surmount to anything. I got the highest grade in my year for GCSEs (final exams) and my family was rly proud of me. I was actually shocked, i thought i would do average. i did a lot of studying but i wasn't sure whether it was effective enough until then. Although this sounds like good news, i still feel like im not going to get into a good university or anyhting. i do have decent academic skills, but my social skills are simply terrible. im rly awkward, and although i have a couple of rly close friends and a bf, i feel like no one else rly likes me. i don't get bullied, but everyone seems to look at me with disgust or maybe even pity. i feel like im jsut bothering everyone by being in school. tbh, the reason i work so hard in school is not just for other ppl's approval, but because i just want to make up for how boring and quiet i am. maybe then i can get a job when im older, but atm it seems unlikely. i can barely hold a conversation, and when i get overwhelmed/stressed in school my face tenses up and i look rly pissed off/sad when im not. no one wants to hire that. plus, it feels like not many ppl even care abt my grades. although the headmaster said i got the highest grades, he gave the "highest grades" awards to two other ppl who are more popular than me. i guess it shows not even the school wants me on stage in front of people. i do sound abt too whiny, i know: i do still feel as if the work i put in will be worth it in the end. but i cant stand how i act in school, i jsut feel like i cant help it. it sounds dramatic, but it feels like my mouth literally sews shut in front of other ppl. how do i fix this?? i just want to stop being so miserable and jealous of others. i dont need to make new friends, i just wish i was approachable anough for ppl to talk to me. sorry, i know its very difficult to respond to soemthing like this. i just wanted to vent mostly. thank u for reading x