Life Stories and Everyday Drama

So I stopped in at a restaurant to eat and around the corner comes this guy with makeup on, a deep gravely rumbly voice like butter and from the moment we locked eyes, neither one of us could stop smiling. He was even dancing around the restaurant when certain songs came on and pointing at me and winking at times. I was too scared to ask him for any contact info or to be friends because I'm in between jobs at the moment and don't have an active phone right now and didn't want to be too embarrassed. I kinda wish it wouldn't be too creepy to see if I could find him online and ask if he wants to be friends. He was cute as hell and had a style that I definitely loved. I feel like he would be a great friend if anything.

I'm so fed up with the office. I can't stand it anymore, I don't want anything to do with it. Everyone there treats me like an animal, everything is done through gestures and other things. There's no respect for me as a person, I don't feel treated like another human being, but like a freak. I'm angry because a story I wanted published hasn't been published yet, a story where I had something to say and I want it to be brought to light somehow, how tedious. I can't stand my boss, I can't stand any of the people there. I hate being treated like a child, when I'm not a child. Why am I the one who has to have feelings there? In the middle of that cold environment, receiving trivialities, when I should be getting shut down like what happened at home—it happened that in the other story I talked about an encounter where my sister and I acted out one of the sex scenes from movies, because my parents watched it a lot, and because of that I was blamed and then it was established that I was a sexual predator or something like that. I'm fed up. My boss lived for me, expecting me to put up with his ways, his negligence, just like my secretary did. He wanted me to accept his whims and what he couldn't do, and I wasn't going to put up with that. He wanted me to keep quiet about it all, and I wasn't going to be in that position. I hope they publish that story; I needed to say it. I checked again, and it was published, which I'm grateful for.

They blocked me on an app because, according to them, I posted sexual content. I explained the situation to my sister, in such a general way that it was really to prevent that accusation, but she still got blocked, and I don't know if that was the reason. I'm tired of being silent in that office, of never being able to say anything. I hope, for God's sake, that they don't expect me to speak well of everyone outside; that would be the height of their control. I can never even express myself to my father. It can't be that my reflection is confined to websites and not my own town, although it makes some sense: If my town chooses a language of terms they haven't explored at their own pace of life, naturally, the prevailing language will be one where mine can't be received, in any way, because they won't empathize with that use of experience, with what they call venting, because they'll think I'm out of control. In fact, in my town, faced with that, the usual approach is to detach oneself from the circumstances; my mother used to base her actions on that. In my family, there was a tendency to see caring for the family as caring for one's image; in fact, my father operated that way until he reached a point where he himself had to step aside, because it was coming across terribly, and that's not what defines family support.

The country where I am now consists of enforcing social controls. My boss is the kind of guy who thrives on keeping others under control, on keeping them on the right track—that's what he calls groups, for God's sake. It's living with the constant anxiety that the world, for some reason, could collapse, his carefully constructed social circle, which is really just an unstructured effort to build a network that always tends to crumble with time. In fact, life itself becomes the enemy, if we're honest. I needed my sister's story to be made public, no matter what. I needed to say it, to express that the accusation that he was a rapist wasn't true, not at all, and I wanted the world to know. Because at home, when I was scolded after the incident that led to their prejudice, no one asked me anything; they just assumed. And in fact, it all started as gossip. That's why I don't speak to my mother, or at least not very often. However, for her, that doesn't count as a reason, because for her, I only did what she thought was right. In other words, for her, acting according to her own beliefs is enough to forgive me, because, she justifies it, he did the same thing with her mother. What a disastrous family, for God's sake.

I'm eternally grateful that I left the group I was in at the office. My boss was always on the lookout for any way to get in the way of his plans with me, trying to influence even my family, just like he did with his secretary. All in an effort to keep everything under his control, because he couldn't manage his own life; he needed someone else to support him. Hence the "the more the merrier" mentality, hence the idea that anyone who didn't support him should be discarded, or else he'd keep them cornered through gossip and threats of consequences. The truth is, he was a truly macabre type, pretending to be a saint, but I was already prepared for someone like him. I make a living by striving for an independent profile through constant development; hence, my relationships, where I occupy a position of being detached from the other person's life and focused on seeking a pleasant and considerate encounter, given the nuance of the details achieved thanks to our history, are the most formidable for me.

At the same time, these relationships lead to constant reflection, which is almost a form of self-imposed pressure, given that I don't have people in other parts of my life to support me, although I know how to support myself when they are present. Thanks to these relationships, I've learned to navigate socially effectively, since I've delved into the various ways of being alone that society itself offers, and which are precisely what apps provide. However, I can't tell anyone about this because in my country, we live by embracing what we know and what we don't, suspecting it to the extent that there is a difference under some condition that determines a distance, inherent to the nature of the subject. That's how things started at the office with a girl who I thought had autism, without any medical report to that effect, without questioning it; in fact, they accepted it simply because my boss and the secretary said so, just like that. I remember that this girl once told me that I was highly sensitive, without having fully understood me, hence her deduction.

I remember once raising this issue with my boss, as a complaint, and he simply tried to escape by making me look bad, so that he wouldn't be seen as someone who could say whatever he wanted—in other words, so that the focus would be on me and not on him. It's incredible the number of ways this guy has found to keep doing what he likes, no matter what, at my expense, making sure I can't complain, precisely because the consequences of clarifying things are worse due to prejudice. That's his game with others. It's unbelievable that I'm creating these diagrams outside the office, on a website, and expressing them to people I don't know. It seems incredible to me. However, this shows that the office isn't a welcoming place for me, despite its intentions, and it never should be, unless it's by a qualified professional, whom, in my experience, I'm afraid to trust. Even among psychologists, there's a lack of respect for adhering to a specific scientific approach, such as behaviorism, at the expense of prejudice. The game is far too unfortunate.

The game of prejudice in the streets is very harsh, far too radical, because once the issue is set in motion, there are points where it can't go any further, and that's why people pay the price. Truth isn't the priority; suspicion prevails, and events are what cause the issue to shift, without any regard for evidence. There's no discrimination in criminal law. I live in a country where, therefore, mobility must be determined by others, not by my freedom as defined by the law, although there are times when it is, but those are decisions made by individuals, not by the law itself. Instead of the law prevailing in terms of practical application to improve it, the will of the people prevails, turning the law into a smokescreen or a game of impositions.

It's a shame my boss built his entire life on staying where he wanted, doing whatever he pleased, but those days are over because I exposed him.

I'm tired of the office. How is it possible that they have access to the cell phone of the girl I like, and I don't? How is it possible that I, who always helped her, get all the benefits that I don't? Benefits that I so richly deserve... The most unpleasant thing is finding out how everyone, in the middle of an emergency, can do as they please, go to her whenever they want, and even receive congratulations—a total hypocrite, despicable, and even humiliating, for God's sake. Recently, the girl's family member's death was announced in the WhatsApp group chat, and all the authorities called her, and everyone was concerned. After finding out that everyone could contact her, but I couldn't, I have absolutely no desire to wish her well or peace of mind. This whole time, I've felt completely ignored. Everyone is fine with her, but I can't. Everyone is fine with her, but I, even though I was the one who acted in good faith with her at the beginning. The worst part is that I complained once about a similar health issue, and all she did was put on a brave face to pretend she wasn't ignoring me, just like she did with that other situation she posted in the group, by the way. I'm fed up with trying to understand her; I don't want to keep justifying her. In the middle of all this, I'm the one paying the price. She receives everyone's affection, everyone else receives her affection, while I'm barely there with her, half-heartedly, without any recognition, keeping my mouth shut because people don't understand my situation, and on top of that, I've been cut off from my work group, to the point where I don't really have a work group anymore, just a fictitious one, the one created by the bureaucracy. My boss is also being persecuted at every turn. I'm completely alone in this, even though people are supporting me. In these circumstances, no one will do anything about it; I'm totally helpless, on the lookout, all because I let myself be led astray by this girl, chasing after miserable crumbs of bread—though, I must admit, they are quite prominent.

It hasn't been easy for me to act like nothing's wrong, I admit it, to always act as if nothing ever happened between us, as if nothing hurts. It's painful that I have to resort to online platforms to express what I feel. I haven't had any facial expressions in a long time, just vague, almost imperceptible ones. I'm honest, I abide by the law and the rules, but I don't possess any kind of impulsiveness; I feel completely numb. I have relationships that make me feel like I'm not involved in anything because that's precisely my place within them, and I have to let myself be carried along, always mindful of their circumstances while remaining completely open to whatever comes, regardless of what I'm going through. Of course, I follow the same dynamic I experienced with my parents, with the safeguard that I have time to think, to reaffirm myself, and to act within limitations and move around them. Ultimately, at least in these relationships, this unwritten rule is followed no matter what, without exception. This contrasts with other relationships where things aren't like that, where I occupy a place in their lives so deeply that they even consider me an object. I prefer to distance myself from those because they offer me a freedom that, according to them, is inherent. In these other relationships, the freedom of being in the middle of nowhere is precisely what allows me to build myself up in the world, to construct my freedom with discernment.

I can't tell anyone about any of this. I have to go through this alone, completely alone, at my own mercy, with no one else around. Not even my father can be there for me, and I don't trust the psychologists in my town to help me either. They talk about how they'll help me, but it's just a promise they don't even know they'll keep. In fact, the times I've asked for help, I've felt completely trapped, even though I'm in a highly sensitive state. I don't want to know anything more about these relationships, about being in nothing. I can't. It overwhelms me, it's exhausting, I feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't believe they're living off my lack of brutal reaction, even though I haven't made the biggest scenes. I mean, I can't believe I've lived with these relationships all this time pretending nothing affected me when it does. It does affect me. I can't believe I've lived with it all because I couldn't express what I felt to anyone. However, I don't think anyone will notice, not even in the office, because everyone expects me to remain calm and composed. That's my persona, and it always translates into a kind of omnipotence in the face of adversity. Of course, I don't want their support in any way, because all they'll do is control me through manipulation. That's how the psychologists in my town operate, and I'm fed up with it.

I'd be capable of breaking a thousand things, but I can't. It's a disgrace to work in the office with someone I hate.

Something else happened. After how this girl in the office treated me, the bosses came to her aid in the emergency. No one helped me, while I was suffocating under the circumstances, absolutely no one. I had to deal with the girl and my work group, all at the same time and at the expense of everyone else's limitations, all in the name of keeping things under control. No one did anything, and even my department head opposed the situation, as did the girl. Everyone opposed my well-being because, according to them, I could handle it, based on the idea that being alone would cause this problem. I needed as much respite as possible, which is why I chose the girl and her office group, who gave me some breathing room, over my boss, who always kept me cornered. I needed air in my workspace and comfort in my dealings with her, in terms of how she acted as a faithful representative to the outside world.

I'm not going to confide my feelings to them or anyone else, because in my community, it's seen as an object to be manipulated based on frameworks that aren't one's own, frameworks they consider universal, but which aren't. This is all done to tolerate the guidance, to be channeled, because everything is based on how they see me and according to their perspective, without taking me into account. I'm fed up with going over the situation again and again, but I have to admit that it allows me to have a holistic view of everything that has happened and the present, and that's the idea: the more discernment, the better, especially when it comes to these relationships where you're not really involved in anything. These relationships aren't common, at least not in popular understanding, although from my research, it seems they are quite common, but that's not something that comes up in everyday language. I would like to have genuine relationships where I can be involved somewhere and at the same time have that sense of freedom; However, these relationships are completely inconsequential, stagnant, driven by fear of conflict, only dwelling on the same old things.

I don't have relationships where I can share my life and my thoughts, like these websites do, but I recognize that the advantage of websites is that they allow for personal development, within certain rules, of course. I don't feel comfortable even mentioning that I had a sexual encounter with my sister, where I initiated things, thanks to movies my parents showed where sex scenes were readily available. But it turns out that's common; Children often engage in imitation and sexual exploration, out of innocence. Of course, at the time, it was a big deal for me because my mother took it as if I were an adult with my sister, with principles and all, when I was just a child, for God's sake. I'm glad I was able to say it; I really needed to, and I pray she doesn't kick me out for it, because that's not the point. I didn't intend to commit incest, even though it didn't happen, as my parents assumed. My parents assumed I was a monster, based on prejudice and nothing more.

I'm tired of the office. How is it possible that they have access to the cell phone of the girl I like, and I don't? How is it possible that I, who always helped her, get all the benefits that I don't? Benefits that I so richly deserve... The most unpleasant thing is finding out how everyone, in the middle of an emergency, can do as they please, go to her whenever they want, and even receive congratulations—a total hypocrite, despicable, and even humiliating, for God's sake. Recently, the girl's family member's death was announced in the WhatsApp group chat, and all the authorities called her, and everyone was concerned. After finding out that everyone could contact her, but I couldn't, I have absolutely no desire to wish her well or peace of mind. This whole time, I've felt completely ignored. Everyone is fine with her, but I can't. Everyone is fine with her, but I, even though I was the one who acted in good faith with her at the beginning. The worst part is that I complained once about a similar health issue, and all she did was put on a brave face to pretend she wasn't ignoring me, just like she did with that other situation she posted in the group, by the way. I'm fed up with trying to understand her; I don't want to keep justifying her. In the middle of all this, I'm the one paying the price. She receives everyone's affection, everyone else receives her affection, while I'm barely there with her, half-heartedly, without any recognition, keeping my mouth shut because people don't understand my situation, and on top of that, I've been cut off from my work group, to the point where I don't really have a work group anymore, just a fictitious one, the one created by the bureaucracy. My boss is also being persecuted at every turn. I'm completely alone in this, even though people are supporting me. In these circumstances, no one will do anything about it; I'm totally helpless, on the lookout, all because I let myself be led astray by this girl, chasing after miserable crumbs of bread—though, I must admit, they are quite prominent.

It hasn't been easy for me to act like nothing's wrong, I admit it, to always act as if nothing ever happened between us, as if nothing hurts. It's painful that I have to resort to online platforms to express what I feel. I haven't had any facial expressions in a long time, just vague, almost imperceptible ones. I'm honest, I abide by the law and the rules, but I don't possess any kind of impulsiveness; I feel completely numb. I have relationships that make me feel like I'm not involved in anything because that's precisely my place within them, and I have to let myself be carried along, always mindful of their circumstances while remaining completely open to whatever comes, regardless of what I'm going through. Of course, I follow the same dynamic I experienced with my parents, with the safeguard that I have time to think, to reaffirm myself, and to act within limitations and move around them. Ultimately, at least in these relationships, this unwritten rule is followed no matter what, without exception. This contrasts with other relationships where things aren't like that, where I occupy a place in their lives so deeply that they even consider me an object. I prefer to distance myself from those because they offer me a freedom that, according to them, is inherent. In these other relationships, the freedom of being in the middle of nowhere is precisely what allows me to build myself up in the world, to construct my freedom with discernment.

I can't tell anyone about any of this. I have to go through this alone, completely alone, at my own mercy, with no one else around. Not even my father can be there for me, and I don't trust the psychologists in my town to help me either. They talk about how they'll help me, but it's just a promise they don't even know they'll keep. In fact, the times I've asked for help, I've felt completely trapped, even though I'm in a highly sensitive state. I don't want to know anything more about these relationships, about being in nothing. I can't. It overwhelms me, it's exhausting, I feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't believe they're living off my lack of brutal reaction, even though I haven't made the biggest scenes. I mean, I can't believe I've lived with these relationships all this time pretending nothing affected me when it does. It does affect me. I can't believe I've lived with it all because I couldn't express what I felt to anyone. However, I don't think anyone will notice, not even in the office, because everyone expects me to remain calm and composed. That's my persona, and it always translates into a kind of omnipotence in the face of adversity. Of course, I don't want their support in any way, because all they'll do is control me through manipulation. That's how the psychologists in my town operate, and I'm fed up with it.

I'd be capable of breaking a thousand things, but I can't. It's a disgrace to work in the office with someone I hate.

Something else happened. After how this girl in the office treated me, the bosses came to her aid in the emergency. No one helped me, while I was suffocating under the circumstances, absolutely no one. I had to deal with the girl and my work group, all at the same time and at the expense of everyone else's limitations, all in the name of keeping things under control. No one did anything, and even my department head opposed the situation, as did the girl. Everyone opposed my well-being because, according to them, I could handle it, based on the idea that being alone would cause this problem. I needed as much respite as possible, which is why I chose the girl and her office group, who gave me some breathing room, over my boss, who always kept me cornered. I needed air in my workspace and comfort in my dealings with her, in terms of how she acted as a faithful representative to the outside world.

I'm not going to confide my feelings to them or anyone else, because in my community, it's seen as an object to be manipulated based on frameworks that aren't one's own, frameworks they consider universal, but which aren't. This is all done to tolerate the guidance, to be channeled, because everything is based on how they see me and according to their perspective, without taking me into account. I'm fed up with going over the situation again and again, but I have to admit that it allows me to have a holistic view of everything that has happened and the present, and that's the idea: the more discernment, the better, especially when it comes to these relationships where you're not really involved in anything. These relationships aren't common, at least not in popular understanding, although from my research, it seems they are quite common, but that's not something that comes up in everyday language. I would like to have genuine relationships where I can be involved somewhere and at the same time have that sense of freedom; However, these relationships are completely inconsequential, stagnant, driven by fear of conflict, only dwelling on the same old things.

I don't have relationships where I can share my life and my thoughts, like these websites do, but I recognize that the advantage of websites is that they allow for personal development, within certain rules, of course. I don't feel comfortable even mentioning that I had a sexual encounter with my sister, where I initiated things, thanks to movies my parents showed where sex scenes were readily available. But it turns out that's common; Children often engage in imitation and sexual exploration, out of innocence. Of course, at the time, it was a big deal for me because my mother took it as if I were an adult with my sister, with principles and all, when I was just a child, for God's sake. I'm glad I was able to say it; I really needed to, and I pray she doesn't kick me out for it, because that's not the point. I didn't intend to commit incest, even though it didn't happen, as my parents assumed. My parents assumed I was a monster, based on prejudice and nothing more.

This place has helped more than I imagined. The things I have to share are so fucked up and and dark.. but I can't speak them. The words choke me.

I've been assembling a sort of plan with a therapist. As I've forced myself to face my demons I've found a startling truth.

Maybe some of you have read what are.. likely almost unbelievably fucked up things I've experienced, that I've shared. Idk.

You see, my family, we came here from a country destroyed by war. We were no strangers to violence. Depravity. So we came to Canada, years and years before me. At first we began to thrive. It is a welcoming, beautiful country. Hard, determined, friendly people. But the evil of mankind seemed to have followed us, or perhaps the war left its mark on us and we just didn't see.

It began with my mother. She was always an erratic lady, you see. High energy. Fiercely intelligent, strong, capable. A take charge woman. Naturally, she thrived at her first job here- a computer scientist. But it wasn't enough. Something changed. Somehow, no one knows, she got in touch with cartel members, all the way out here. Not really as hard as you may think. movies and shows don't do it justice. The cartel is fuckin organized. If you've not actually seen it, just know this: It's better organized than most companies.

I dont know what she did at first. By that time she was pretty quiet about it. I suspect leaking info, she worked for some big firm you see. Eventually, though, she was hooked on drugs. That was it. Over the years, she became increasingly violent. She beat the entire family, held us all in a grip of fear.

And she became obsessed with me. She began to dabble in the occult, became convinced she controlled curses, demons. Ridiculous.. but imagine yourself, a boy. Just a boy. Your whole world has been spoon fed to you from this lady. She hurts you. She isolates you.

The things she has done, not just to me, but other children- kids from other families, or whatever, who were also involved. There is no hell or pit low enough for her. I have seen men shot, burnt alive, beaten to death, for trivial monetary owing. For drugs. For sport. She became pretty big. One of the largest meth and weapons dealers in the region. But that doesn't come without risks.

For every tens of thousands she made it disappeared into her drug habit. As it got worse, she'd taken me and run off. My father was.. a broken man. The war, yknow. He left me. The other children, my siblings, ran. It was just me, her and my dog. And.. well she didn't let me keep the dog long. let's just say that..

Eventually ofc I ran away. After many attempts. After she literally tore my face open with a claw hammer. I still bear the scars, of course. She even used the claw side... fuck me. I was five, man. How the fuck did she not kill me????

No one came. Years and years went by... I've been.. idek bro. Idk what I am. I'm broken. I know I am. Every day, flashbacks. So vivid I act them out, its embarrassing. I wake up with night terrors, but they're not even just that- it's memories. All memories. I've realized that I'm not even really a person. I've spent so long fighting to hold this inside, fighting to stay alive.. been on my own since 14. No assistance whatsoever. I realize that since I was a kid, I didn't have time to be anyone. I don't.. have hobbies. I don't really have likes or dislikes, yknow, in that regard. All I have is this cringing, crippling pain inside.

I want to change that. But..it's not gonna be easy. In my therapy, they mentioned that I am a victim of thought reform. That we needed to 'deconstruct' the puzzle she's made of me, because I still have the same irrational fears(the supernatural, things like that) that control me. Doesn't matter if I know it's bullshit, it's that fear response. Hardwired.

I also realize she's managed to create an entire person inside me, that isn't me. It's her. I never paid much mind. I've been running my whole life from this. I thought this darker reflection was just my anger, my pain. And it sort of is. But it's worse.

I feel her. She often would ambush me in the dark. I'll skip details. But so.. sometimes I just swear, in a dark hallway.. yknow? Does any of this make sense, prolly not. You can't really get it unless you've lived it, ig, like with anything. I just don't know what to do. I'm just these broken pieces and now I have to just.. figure it out. Yeah, I get it, we're all doing that. But also.. I've literally never met anyone my age, and hardly even older folk, who've seen the shit I have. And, frankly, it's probably because those types of things are buried under the rest of society. When the news is yelling about the other side of the world, I guess it's easy to forget the wars and worse happening in the gutter, right here at home.

The fuck. Anyways. This was about the most put together thing I've written in a while.. Idk what my future holds. Sometimes I.. feel I should.. yk. Leave this place. My way. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to speak these evils to my therapist, I've been writing them down, bit by bit..I'm afraid that when it all comes out, it won't stop. I'm afraid of all that I've suppressed- who fucking knows, what have I been hiding even from me??? God.. but I mean.. fuck, dude. I did everything alone. That has to mean something right?

I had every opportunity to become like her. She even tried for years to make me her enforcer. She said it was her dream, isn't that just fucked? To want, WANT your CHILD to kill families, rivals? What insanity. But I refused. I took more than a few beatings for that, and.. worse. But God saw that shit, I swear. Somehow.. no matter the horror.. no matter how truly fuckin close I've been to hell, to danger, to the worst of humanity, brother I cannot give up. I want to, SO BAD. But I guess I'm made of stern stuff. Man i feel so stupid saying all of this, sometimes, you know, you say something and your brain reminds you how much sense it makes, and i find myself feeling dumb after. Then again, I ah, I'm so fucked up.. I can hardly string a thought this long and organized at all. Why is that?? Why is it now, right now, I'm not a blubbering mess like every other time? Is that what healing feels like? Idfk. I don't trust myself at this time because it's all mixed inside, yknow? It feels easier to generalize. Like, I basically skimmed over my shit. If I get into specifics, like other posts.. oh I'm fucked. Weird.. but maybe not. Okay, rant done

I [21F] am at a massive crossroads and need some outside perspective before I meet my ex-boyfriend [25M] tomorrow.

We live in a traditional Arabic/Muslim country where the timeline moving toward engagement and marriage happens fast. My ex holds very traditional views—specifically, he expects his partner to not have any guy friends. To be fair, in our culture, cutting off friends of the opposite sex is bound to happen eventually as things get serious anyway. My life doesn’t revolve around boys, so cutting them off isn't an impossible ask for me if I knew for a fact I was marrying the right, safe man. But I really struggle with the idea of losing genuinely good people in my life right now for the mere potential of what someone might be.

Our relationship definitely had friction. When he gets angry, he can say hurtful things, and he even brought our private arguments to my family, which really upset and hurt me. That said, he doesn’t have major anger issues overall, and I want to be honest and acknowledge where he was coming from culturally.

After we broke up, we went into total silence. The pain of the cutoff was too much for me to handle. I panicked, missed him deeply, and reached out to ask if we could meet tomorrow. He agreed.

Looking back, I realize I was emotionally unavailable at the start and didn’t put real effort into the relationship. I loved him—maybe not as much as he loved me, but I did care. I know what I want might be unrealistic and selfish because I just wasn’t ready for it to end, and it’s unfair to keep him hanging by a thread if I can't give him what he wants.

But since I’m the one who reached out, I am genuinely wondering if I can find it in myself to change, cut off the guy friends since it’s culturally expected anyway, and give him the real effort and commitment he deserves this time around.

Am I just bargaining because I’m terrified of this being our final goodbye and I'm not ready to let go? Or is it worth giving this another shot now that I recognize my own past emotional unavailability? How do I handle this face-to-face meeting tomorrow without making a mistake?

So I've been distrustful of certain things, which aren't anyone's fault, but I think the universe's.

You see, I have great friends, but for the 2 attempts I've had to hang out with them, it's never worked out. They say their families had other ideas or we simply couldn't do it. My family is anyways paranoid, wondering if their families won't even let them leave, and always say "But there are lots of kids who stay with their families!" Oh yeah? I see them, then they're gonna grow up like me and my aunt who don't socialize with anyone. Do they want me to hermit away? Be responsible for their messes? My friends are great, but you know, we're all just different atoms with different chemicals just interacting after all. And what if, just like the rules of everything that exists, I happened to be one of the people who was born to just not have any good times with FRIENDS?

I can only have fun with family. In my whole life as of now I've hung out with family, been on holidays with family, stayed with family. Family first is great, until you realize that means any friendship, any connection when you grow up, is scrutinized and burnt to ashes. when I'm 20, I won't be able to hang out with them, because guess what, it just burns away! Because the universe aligned itself to do it for me and a bunch of other hermits like my aunt! And like, what's the point? I should try out the NUCLEAR OPTION, just nuke every contact, why would they care? They've got a great gig going on, I'm just the weirdo with them who displaces things for them. Now there's this thing I want to go to with them, but you know what? How about I ditch them in September, flip them off and head out with mom? They're nice, but I can't have it anyways since the universe still thinks I haven't cracked it yet, so screw all of them.

There's this thing I wanna head out with them on that month and due to my 14 year long predicament (my entire life, basically), I have a feeling I can't. I don't know, I just made my mind. Going with them is a bad idea because it means I can't head out with them. Planning with friends so far has never worked out. What shot have I got growing up? I'll just live alone or with mom and dad, they'll need me soon. My aunt anyways stays with my grandparents, even though grandpa's been real exhausting sometimes. She's done it for decades now. That's my future. Taking care of my family. At least I'm not alone in that sense, because family is first, right? Gotta keep it no. 1 priority.

We are all just atoms reacting with one another to create thoughts and metabolism. Those atoms are shaped how everything works. Why we fall back onto Earth instead of fly away, gravity exists. Why we're able to think, it's just atoms reacting together to make us somehow work. I feel like I'm holding on with duct tape, and every time I see a friend group happy, that tape breaks even further and I just keep going at it. I wish they suffer sometimes. I wish they have to live life with the fact outside connection is impossible. To wonder why every time you think positive, when you're at your happiest, life will remind you that you're just atoms and that you have a set of rules given.

Rules such as these which I have so far:

1. I can't ever have an outing w/ friend

2. Can only have good days with family, ONLY FAMILY

3. Your friends are either great people who sometimes can't make it due to the universe's set of rules against me and a bunch of others

4. Or they can hang out with you but they're a-holes

5. That you are nothing more than just atoms so life has no meaning to it.

i just got back from a holiday at an all-inclusive resort with my family, and let me tell you, i can't shake this newfound realization that i genuinely might hate them. every year we plan this trip in the name of 'quality time' but it hardly ever feels like that. two weeks of mandatory happiness: it's exhausting. you're constantly surrounded by people who assume they know you inside out just because they're related to you. it's like being trapped in a sitcom rerun where everyone laughs at the same jokes every time... except no one's clapping.

don't get me wrong, there's something undeniably convenient about those all-you-can-eat buffets and the never-ending supply of piña coladas by the poolside. but when it's coupled with forced conversations and archaic family dynamics, it becomes less of a luxury and more of a scene from george orwell's '1984'. mind-numbing repetition: how's work going? have you thought about settling down yet? questions launched at me with missile-like precision as if my life choices are pinned on a dartboard.

one morning, i sat on the balcony overlooking the most picturesque view imaginable: turquoise waters meeting a flawless horizon. yet there i was texting friends about the monotony of having breakfast with people who barely understand what drives me in life. it's ironic how familial ties, which should feel warm and comforting, can become entangling ropes holding you back from genuine self-expression.

it's not that they're malicious or anything (they mean well, i'll give them that much) but their idea of fostering relationships seems to stop at bloodlines rather than mutual interests or respectful dialogue. you'll find yourself stuck listening to unsolicited advice regarding everything from your career path to your choice of footwear for dinner ("sandals are too informal")... as if i'm being lectured on some unwritten guidebook that has to be followed stringently!

in conclusion (if there is one), i've realized that loving one's family doesn't automatically translate into liking them all the time; perhaps that's what makes these vacations so dishearteningly eye-opening. we return under the guise of rejuvenation only for old grievances to be unearthed alongside the unpacked luggage.

I honestly don’t even know where to start, after my complaint on here three weeks ago, he reached out to me on telegram and requested for my wallet, words couldn’t describe how I felt that day. You didn’t just talk — you actually showed up for me. That $600 you sent covered my tuition when I needed it most, and because of you I get to stay in school and keep chasing what I’ve been working so hard for.

I won’t forget this. Thank you, for trusting me, and for changing my situation when you didn’t have to do anything at all.

I’m grateful beyond words. Thank you, truly.

i mean, what am i missin' here? my girlfriend legit acts like she has this chip on her shoulder all the time and it's seriously buggin' me out; like 'hello?' i can't read minds ya know!!!??? every damn thing turns into a fight...it’s like walking on eggshells just askin' how her day was... isn't it my job to care though? I try to do nice things for her: cook dinner now and then (not gonna lie, i'm pretty good in the kitchen), help around the house, even gave her that lil surprise gift last month. it's not exactly roses or diamonds but hey, effort counts right?! yet she's always got this sour vibe as if i forgot our anniversary or something...and trust me (i didn't forget). she's so mad about something but what is it???? did i mess up big time without even realizing???

no lie, she's been dropping these hints that are about as clear as mud. sometimes she'll just snap over nothing and give me that silent treatment which (let's be real) is absolutely childish at times! tried talkin' to her about it once. guess what happened?? another fight!!! brilliant! seriously starting to think there's some hidden manual for understanding girlfriends and i've lost mine somewhere between Netflix marathons and pizza nights. quoting Shakespeare or whatever can only get you so far in romance, right?? man if there was like a 'how-to' guide for not pissing off your partner without knowing why you're doing it, i'd probably read that more diligently than any actual book from school days! who writes those anyway??!! but honestly speaking (ugh there i go giving speeches) if we're missing something major here...wouldn't she just tell me straight up instead of resorting to tantrums and cold shoulders?

so here's the deal. i'm kinda just moping around, feeling sorry for myself. there's all this excitement brewing among my friends because they're planning a huge trip. it's that time of year again when everyone heads off to some exotic place for a holiday. but me? i'm stuck here like always, scraping by and counting pennies just to get through the week. i swear it's like they have endless cash while i can't even afford an extra cup of coffee most days.

part of me is glad i won't have to fake enthusiasm for hiking or whatever adventure thing they've got planned next week. seriously, like who enjoys getting sand between their toes and rocks in their shoes? but then again, scrolling through instagram feeds full of sun-kissed faces makes me feel like a leftover slice in a thanksgiving pie...untouched and forgotten....

what annoys me the most is how nonchalant everyone can be about it: 'oh, just come along! you can pay us back later!' right, as if your bank account magically refills itself every month. it's not jealousy (or maybe it partly is), but mainly frustration at watching life zip past as i'm left blinking on the sidelines.

maybe one day i'll catch up with them, tag a cheesy hashtag like #livingthedream on social media photos flaunting my own beachy ventures. but for now...ugh...i guess streaming movies on repeat will do while imagining my living room as a luxurious vacation spot 🌴 cheers to being perpetually broke!

Personally, I don't like office parties because that's precisely where battlegrounds, underlying factions, and unspoken truths are revealed. My friend used to avoid them, thanks to her extreme social nature, but she acted in ways that avoided explanations, allowing her to move about as she pleased. She knows that these events are the place to let her guard down, but precisely because of this desire, everyone takes advantage of the situation, making accusations and putting you in a difficult position unexpectedly. It's not easy for her; personally, it was her way of navigating her life according to her needs, in order to expand professionally, or so I think, since I see that's what she's doing.

She has completely excluded me from her life, not because I bother her, but because if I were to get involved in her hectic life, I'd have to start by creating distance. Whenever I get involved in something that disrupts my routine, I somehow try to get out of it; I don't want to be there, I try to distance myself, I fight to make it let me go. In fact, that's what she was aiming for. Since her livelihood, her way of integrating herself into the office, is through the complete disruption of other people's space, she tried at all costs to make it as undisruptive as possible, in order to prevent me from becoming defensive. It's not her usual way of being; she has me blocked in every way, and it's difficult when I see her. However, this has led me to feel marginalized, and therefore to seek her affection, which she does provide, but only in a limited way, to prevent me from losing control and becoming defensive again. She always sought my support in some way, since she sees me as capable of being loyal to her under any circumstances.

Up to this point, from what I've said about her, she appears to be someone striving to build a life that is not only professional but also social. It's clear that her situation, as I observe it—a radical abandonment of friendships, of people who are each in their own world—has left her somewhat isolated, solely at the mercy of those professionals, but not all of them are truly professional, because when it comes down to it, her emotional life is completely neglected. This has led her to close herself off to romantic relationships, solely to protect herself from potential abusers at all costs, and also because it would mean her progress would be jeopardized. She won't abandon me, because she needs that emotional connection; besides her professional life, there's also her family, which demands her attention. I find no rest in any aspect of her life. In this sense, I need someone who is there for me when I need them, and of course, she must ensure that this lack is not evident in any way. Of course, she also needs to ensure that I am not in a state of absolute deprivation, because that would immediately lead to an outburst of anger. What a complex structure this woman has built! She is, and no one can deny it, struggling to define her life, to find balance, which is common for anyone after graduating from university, especially one still living within the family, particularly at an age when such things are supposed to be settled. In this sense, I observe her hurried nature, and it makes me understand why she has been so risky and yet so cautious in all her actions with me, as well as with others in her office conversations, in terms of setting boundaries, both professionally and in fulfilling her family obligations, in order to reciprocate their efforts.

She doesn't have it easy, of course. For my part, I'm calm, with my family life devoid of connection, my professional life equally so, my office life equally so, and emotionally, well, somewhat lacking as well, because ultimately such absences represent all-consuming barriers, as in her case, precisely because of cultural pressures, constantly leading me to feel hopeless and therefore resort to strategies to cope, but never replacing the foundation of a pleasant relationship. Indeed, we were both lacking something, but we were also completely fearful of abuse, which is why our union has been successful. Hence, I also acted to safeguard her space, to ensure that she didn't feel, in any way, drawn to me given the social pressures she was under, where her actions, in fact, were disruptive and worthy of condemnation, allowing the environment to take advantage of her. We both took precautions against this, at all costs, leading us to define our boundaries in this regard, which in effect consisted of making a whole journey, given that we had the goal and needed to be with another who made us feel like just another one and we could, who would consolidate our together.

I miss her deeply. In the office, we're so entrenched that we know any attempt to distance myself from her is a completely unacceptable act. My boss tried it, and believing a complaint wouldn't be possible, he came up with something—just to play on our prejudices—that everyone else saw. It showed I had ingenuity, and therefore, no one knew where my next move would come from if they tried. She and I form a kind of counter-government because neither of us is bound by our department, as the office administration intends, supposedly to prevent interdepartmental conflicts. My boss, thinking he could get his way with me regarding breach of trust—something that didn't happen with her because she defended herself—was surprised to find he couldn't. This also meant that the appearance of weakness that others used to perceive in me was no longer seen as weakness, but as just another weakness among them. The fact that I'm not socializing with everyone no longer means that my weak appearance is something I accept. Of course, they try to contradict that appearance, suggesting that everyone is expressing the effects of a debilitating loneliness.

My boss thought that because of the trust I'd developed with someone who was like a father to me, and because I considered him as such—something that hadn't happened—it was having an effect, that it was going to control me, that I wouldn't want to lose him like I did with my family, that I wouldn't want to lose anyone, but I didn't care. My devotion to him no longer indicated that I was needy, not at all, as is often assumed. In this sense, the others, through my boss, realized that my actions were like theirs: despite not socializing, I sought to remain rooted in nothing, unless it was something I enjoyed, which is what happened with the girl. Given the girl's fame, it clearly implied to my boss that being with her, unlike him, suggested that, given her distance and lack of awareness of others' perspectives, his obsession with me was excessive, even abusive, all to bolster his image. This is why, at the end of the recent party, everyone acted in a way that made it clear he was still acting in her best interests, completely ignoring everyone else and the company we work for.

I don't like parties because they always mark a turning point. At parties, formalities are no longer maintained; instead, they are loosened, revealing what happened when they were being used—those inconsistencies where they pretended nothing was wrong, all in the name of safeguarding social order, but requiring those involved to be vigilant about these inconsistencies. The atmosphere in the office reflects a reign of absolute control. Failing to do so may actually lead to harm, hence the constant complaints of lack of control. The idea isn't to be writing constantly; rather, this indicates that the office is unable to manage its own group, because it expands its influence beyond its own walls to consolidate its power, leading to the formation of factions.

The only person at the office party whose rebellion I agreed with was a young woman whose delicate family situation had been exploited—a disappearance, the body of which has never been found, following a tragedy that left the area utterly devastated. The young woman highlighted the authorities' efforts in acting quietly, concealing their actions, as their efforts had not been made public. In fact, there were other efforts that were public. Initially, the young woman demonstrated her inability to apologize for previous incidents where her image had been completely destroyed, at the cost of her not attending meetings. Most likely, they didn't expect her to attend this meeting, given her history of absence. She is breaking with her previous image of being naive about those who have abandoned her, now demanding accountability for them, making people feel subjugated and forcing her office group to compromise in order to prevent external conflicts. Her situation is delicate; however, I stand with her in everything that's happening, given that from the beginning, her social development was manipulated, making it seem as if she were welcome by others when that wasn't the case at all. In fact, they were creating traps for when something happened that could condemn her, which it did.

That these authorities have played with the price of a disappearance is something that fills me with dread. It terrifies me to see, from every perspective, how one of them, who hadn't asked any questions, approached her just to avoid being left out. Her situation has been exploited to gain a reputation for cooperation at any cost, but she has made sure that's not possible, overshadowing any effort to make it stand out, to bring it to light, so that they can't take advantage of her vulnerable situation. Definitely, it's not the right way to treat anyone, and I agree that this is a matter of total defense. It happened to me too, which is why I tried so hard to tear everything to shreds, so as not to be left with the impression that everything had turned out alright. In my opinion, between them and me, I come first. It's incredible to see how vulnerable situations are exploited shamelessly at the expense of image, especially after all the hell that has gone on beforehand. What has happened with this girl is everyone's eagerness to silence her, since there are always others around who listen amidst the pain, profiting from the pain, to question her past actions, to make her realize what they've done, their omissions, how they played with her naiveté, their hypocrisy. The situation of her disappearance now has resulted in a kind of every-man-for-himself scenario.

Of course, the issue isn't as simple as that. I speak for her because she's the one I interact with most, the one I feel closest to, simply because we're contemporaries. And I confess that in the office, having someone like her, who can understand me, is something I deeply appreciate. It's not easy being surrounded by older people, all caught up in their own worlds, and well, she's not exactly different in that respect. However, I feel she understands me deeply, and we understand each other, and in the face of the world, being together, we're not alone. Now, the issue with her is that in the past, she didn't keep her promises. In fact, instead of focusing on socializing, she would act in ways that completely disregarded others, making her inconsistent with that spirit of giving, overly familiar, which led people to perceive her as abusive towards others. It's not easy. In fact, I myself saw her once break a promise right in front of me, which, indeed, had its consequences in terms of her refusing to submit. In fact, she once omitted me when it was a family health issue, knowing I was worried about her, and I felt that was a complete and utter abuse. Indeed, our relationship was fragile, and her approaching me so openly was a relief, but it perpetuated the cycle. Of course, I did point things out, but others, unless they were radical and drastic, didn't, and that's precisely what allowed her to defend herself by avoiding any comment.

The young woman, without a doubt, paved the way for everyone to sideline her. When I arrived at the office, they were in the midst of that struggle, trying to see who would remain, for some reason, due to some external factor, amidst such doubt that any comment she made was subject to criticism, to severe bias from the group that was in a strong position. Indeed, I had a conflict with the girl and they sought to put me on a pedestal in return; however, they distanced me from my feelings for her, they omitted it, they made me look the other way.

She, on the other hand, sought to be humble in every situation. She never pressured me, she let me be who I wanted, and whenever I felt disappointed, she lifted my spirits; she was always there. In a way, and that's why I'm with her, that lying, breaking the promise, and even omitting things, were clear ways of not leaving me out, of giving me a little push to keep me with her, to ensure that I wouldn't be overlooked in her life, in something that could concern others. She always wanted me to be there, while the others changed drastically, from not wanting to be with me to wanting to be. However, that wasn't what I disliked. She remained consistent, the others didn't, and that bothered me. I felt they were being completely hypocritical with me, because after the conflict, I had managed to create that much-desired doubt in the girl, and in fact, they tried to make any attempt to dissuade her see it as me seeking something that would make me lose control. They went that far. However, paradise, or rather hell, made me feel unfree, and I couldn't allow that. That's why I decided to act entirely in favor of the structure, as it should be, which just so happened to align with her, causing my department to collapse, to the point that today my boss is being persecuted again, not only by the girl, but also by the other bosses, in a radical way.

Her actions put the authorities in a position of inferiority to the girl, and at the same time, she tried to ensure that her accidents weren't seen as accidents. For my part, he was isolated. I'm talking about my boss, but only within the realm of work and his secretary. He couldn't care less about what happens to that man. He's desperately trying to overwhelm him with worry so that it becomes crystal clear he's a complete egomaniac who only thinks about himself. His attempt to position himself as a role model among the other authorities through a matter that wasn't his, ended up backfiring spectacularly, generating a reaction of absolute rejection. It's definitely not right, but I'm not going to do anything about it, since going beyond the scope of work causes me problems, something he didn't foresee either. He was under the illusion that he'd have the matter completely resolved by challenging me to confront him, that I didn't want that with him, but he was wrong. He abused the trust I had in him, my need for everyone in the department to be on good terms, to avoid conflicts. A typical end for someone of his caliber.

He lives constantly fleeing from any conflict he finds, for whatever reason, circumstance, or whatever. His evident abuse of power only served to establish that the current administration was corrupt in some way, failing to prevent certain situations. This led the other authorities to isolate him immediately. Meanwhile, the girl's group, led by their leader, is at the forefront precisely because she didn't abuse her authority, but rather accepted and lived with the events that unfolded; in other words, she didn't abuse the structure.

Things at the office are definitely going from bad to worse. They don't know how to address people to establish a sense of belonging, primarily because there's no common ground around which to approach work other than compliance with the immediate supervisor. People have no basis for their opinions because the focus is essentially on meeting expectations; anything beyond that enters undefined territory where everyone applies their own principles. At a party I attended, I witnessed nothing but disappointment regarding what management, in my view, should be. The difficulties faced by managers in operating amidst the country's tragedies were discussed, aiming for a brighter, more normal future. However, we still don't know the steps to achieve any real normalcy, only the efforts made in that direction, but these efforts lack a solid methodological foundation. They say they need to hear from us, but what we want to tell them is that if they themselves don't know what to do with the company, even the most knowledgeable manager is unable to offer any input, since they don't operate according to management principles, but rather based on mere survival. Any comment made to them will be like jumping into a hell or a heaven, because in the midst of this struggle for survival there's a desperate search to escape, which in itself can lead to either appreciating the comment or making efforts to get the person making it to stop at all costs. The company's own "management" doesn't inspire confidence. It's also painful, it must be said, that they operate based on indirect messages; that is, they state that there is concern for the employee, that there are difficulties for the company's progress, but they assume certain situations regarding the nation's contribution in the midst of the tragedy, establishing a range of approval for what lies behind it, which makes employees who aren't involved feel uncomfortable. That's already a way of excluding us. The fact that they told us they wanted to hear from us is ironic because: if we came to a party to share, complaining definitely isn't in our nature.

This made that sharing feel like an effort to get everyone to come, at the cost of free food, to put us in a difficult position: an act of victimhood, justified by unspoken reasons, suppressing our individuality, making us feel guilty, watching them suffer, and thus prompting us to make comments that might seem ill-considered, taking advantage of the surprise they were asking for. It felt like they were searching for an excuse to tell other companies in the same community that: the situation was established, we expressed empathy, and we were asked if there was anything to say, and nobody said anything, even though many were absent after the tragedy. What a disgrace; it was a failed attempt at political self-preservation. The most disappointing thing for me was watching one boss make light of the way he manipulated another, making it public and presenting it as something common among them. He also expressed that the bosses support each other by protecting one another, which in itself shows that some bosses depend on others, each allowing themselves to live as they please, rather than pursuing improvement that would foster independence and allow each to focus more intently on their own area. And what hurt the most was when anyone dared to comment on how things were done, as this individual's attitude was one of overwhelming stress. Any attempt to listen, if one dared to offer a comment, was more of an illusion than a way to touch a nerve, leading to disastrous consequences, just as happens with this system.

It's also painful to see how the case of a young woman, the disappearance of a family member, was used as a propaganda tool. They made no mention of the efforts they made to find out how she was doing, keeping it a secret. The young woman had to make the effort to explain that they were doing it, presenting it as a sign of appreciation, when it was a complete contradiction to the spirit they had previously shown towards her: being there in times of emergency, but when they're not, it results in arguments, veiled insults, and other things. It's awful to see how they try to hide their contradiction in public, which shows they were trying to silence comments. They thought the young woman would keep quiet, wouldn't say anything, at the cost of having received this special treatment from them, but she didn't allow it, as it should have been. This matter should have been discussed publicly; there's a group for that. However, that would have exposed their hypocrisy right away. At least, it would have been the best scenario, accompanied by some apologies.

We are talking about a management style that definitely doesn't acknowledge its mistakes, unless they are obvious, and they readily admit them with a heroism far surpassing that of actors on stage. This style thrives on managing in its own way, completely detached from the true meaning of management, because it doesn't operate with human resources—considering their anatomy and context—to carry out events. Instead, it operates from a place of victimhood, coercion, and image. The company consists of positions but not standards, leading to the mere fulfillment of orders. These orders may well be in line with the job requirements, but they don't allow employees to develop a sense of place, which is what drives them to feel integrated into the organization, committed to safeguarding their position, and, initially, focused on fulfilling their job responsibilities. They understand the consequences of their actions within the structure and, of course, their limitations, as others also operate within the organization based on their positions.

We also discussed how relationships beyond the workplace are so neglected that they are actively undermined, as they hinder the individual's integration into the department. This is done through both negligence and direct abuse of power. Undoubtedly, this incident between me and this young woman, which required us to take action to move forward and stabilize our situation, has instilled distrust in management among all employees. They perceive that management acts out of self-interest, masking a hypocritical facade of heroism and addressing perceived needs, thus perpetuating the perception of a manipulative administration. Of course, this has had consequences not only for the employees but also within the management team itself. At that meeting, it was observed that each person followed a different approach to engaging with the staff: Some, as I mentioned, focused on supporting employees personally to promote workplace inclusion; others focused on self-help and management, also promoting workplace inclusion; and still others completely ignored the meeting and the discussions. It's clear that the meeting served as a way for the managers to vent their frustration at having carried the company, seemingly in the almost complete absence of the employees, and also as a way to unload their pent-up frustration on the other managers.

Thank God, and the worst part is that after the celebration, the company's WhatsApp group commented that the party had been wonderful. Where will this end? What I find is that the constant confrontation is applauded, or at least it's established that the conflict didn't occur from the perspective of the other actors, at the cost of indicating a willingness to return to war. If I'm the only one who noticed this, we're talking about a company that's completely out of touch with itself regarding the prevailing social situation within it.

Someone has falsely accused me of sexual assualt. A lot of people believed it. I no longer go out because I have been assaulted.

I hope it doesn't happen again.

Is there any support forums? Who can I talk to?