Life Stories and Everyday Drama

I don't know, I don't like it when people ask about my life or what I do. It bothers me; they feel like they're meddling in very important matters, and I don't want them to. They should stick to what I can offer and stop there; I'm not obligated to explain anything. I feel like sometimes I have to, just like I have to share something in that other conversation, for no other reason than to prevent future problems. This contradiction happened to me recently, when I got chatty, giving details about my life thanks to questions—of course, all well-founded, fortunately. I feel like I did what my best friend at work does: she talks to others in a delicate way in front of me, with complete consideration for me, so I don't feel excluded, and without including herself in any group. It's something I deeply appreciate, that she doesn't want to leave but wants us to be together. Now, the question is, what has become of her? I don't know anything about her, even though we're in the same office. She's blocked me everywhere, even though we were friends, and now she's wondering where she is. This time when the office wasn't operating, at least not regularly, could have been a chance for us to go out, do things together, enjoy different things. I don't think my personal life is so dull that I can't fill that void, but that's just my assumption, and I can't open the group chat to ask her about it because of work. I also can't ask my boss to help me out.

Wow, with these people I encountered, and with whom I say I laid myself bare, the feeling of that vulnerability is somewhat uncomfortable, but it has its pleasant touch because it feels liberating. At the same time, it abruptly pulls you out of that solitude, the kind you enjoy being in. And indeed, I have to admit, it felt somewhat overwhelming. However, I think that was essentially because of what my relationship with it entailed, which had become rather heavy, rather complex, because I was dealing with things I was used to, things I couldn't distance myself from, because it wasn't necessary. But now I am, in order to truly see these people who I see have an extraordinary familiarity with what my boss and the young woman have been. I'm tired of writing so much, but this also helps me stay prepared for the upcoming meeting they announced, which is practically a mandatory gathering. It really does abruptly pull one out of a period where one had become accustomed to a certain way of life. They're annoying, and the boss is constantly putting pressure on me.

I don't feel like I need people right now; I'm not interested in them. I like my solitude as long as I can enjoy it. The thing is, it also requires a certain stability, and working under irregular conditions doesn't provide that. So, it's a balancing act between this pleasant solitude—perhaps extreme, but only due to cultural factors—and, at the same time, between the work itself and its social implications. I'm tired of operating according to the job because it's an overwhelming demand, a real burden. I have to be constantly on guard so no one catches me off guard, maintain relationships, and do my job in a way that no one can complain. It's a lot of things that make me feel that the best thing that could have happened—with all due respect to the unfortunate implications—was the tragedy in my country. That tragedy was a miracle for me because it allowed me to be exempt from work, to break free from those chains. I had been needing a break for some time, partly due to events that had occurred there, such as my moving in with my friend and my group, and my boss's departure, along with the group itself, and the continuation of the same old work routine. I was overwhelmed by what had happened and had been carrying it for a while, so this sudden vacation was a welcome relief.

I won't deny that I'd like to enjoy being with the people I met, but right now I need to embrace my solitude, to be with my thoughts and the ideas that come from them, to disconnect from all social interaction as much as possible. Thank you so much for everything, I'm very grateful, but it's time for me to move on with my life, to focus on my own things. I mean, I've already built the life I want, and I can't go any further right now. I have to look after what I've built, and it was hard work, and I can't abandon it. That's not my style. I'm the type to persevere for what I've accomplished, and it was very well done. With the young woman, I have a relationship where shyness, but not in a limiting way, is allowed—a bit of communication, even hugs. And with my boss, I've finally managed to keep things strictly professional, without him taking things any further. Basically, I'm living the life I want, and I really can't take on any more. I need this break. I'm not interested in any other relationships.

I'm completely exhausted from dealing with relationships. I don't want any more. I don't want to be involved with even one more, taking exams, or studying, because the ones I already have completely absorb me, and I don't like it. I feel like I understand a girl I knew a while ago who was in a similar situation. In fact, what happened with my best friend was the reverse of me towards her. Ironically, with this girl, who isn't my best friend, I ended up in a pleasant, everyday relationship, with me in control of the reactions, while my best friend was always in control. This girl somehow became entangled in a relationship she had, where she was controlled by someone, someone she had to answer to, and all that. It's similar to what I went through with my boss, which simply consisted of being there for work. I'm sure the girl was just there to serve that relationship, because with me, that kind of thing completely disappeared. Well, actually, she doesn't speak to me anymore, but it's not a total impasse. In my opinion, now that I think about it, it was the other way around: I have the same kind of relationship with my best friend that she has with her boyfriend, and I have the same kind of relationship with my boss that she has with me. However, thinking about it now, I think that's silly; it's the other combination.

One thing that led me to do what my best friend did, to put us in a group, was wanting to know what that girl, who isn't my best friend, felt. I feel like that's what motivated me. Also, I felt trapped by my boss, who was pushing me further whenever he could, taking advantage of my image, which I could have built by defending my principles elsewhere. However, I always managed to defend myself. He planned to sow doubt in me, to keep me at his mercy; that was his plan, his lust for power. But I didn't allow it. Instead, with my best friend's help, I managed to completely shatter his image, to the point where work is now the only thing on my mind. I think that's what the girl would have wanted with a relationship, or at least something purely casual, and instead, with me, she's someone to answer to, of course, under a convenient arrangement for both of us. But the truth is, she only sees me as the one who wanted to support her and didn't abandon her, and still hasn't, and who's there for her whenever she needs him. That's definitely not the story that happened to me, because I did something. I knew how to move all the pieces to get rid of my boss. She couldn't do that. I wasn't going to stay at his mercy, definitely not. He wasn't going to have me, especially not with someone who was always running from everything and doing whatever he wanted. And boy, was he constantly trying to fit in somehow, all to maintain his image, because anything he did outside could call into question his ability to make choices. Now I see why I left him, and anyone in my shoes would have done the same.

The guy was really nice, but he was definitely playing me, and that scares me. (I made a post a while ago, but the character limit wasn't the same as usual, which is strange.) I don't feel comfortable with him. I don't see a happy future with him in that sense because he was too careful with those details, way too much, and it felt like our relationship was very forced. That's why I don't like him. I don't feel capable of saying no; I just want to be led by his guidance, and I'm tired of being led, especially not on the streets. He thinks I'm a good fit for him, of course, there's that interaction, but I don't want to be involved in that; it's not my style. I also don't want to be part of another group, a family group I ended up in. I'm not interested. The woman was very kind to me, but no. Both she and the other person were kind enough to let me be free, but I'm not interested in going any further. I don't feel like I want to be part of other groups because I have enough with the one I have now, a friend I met at work, my best friend. I have the protection I need and I can navigate my solitude as I please. These other people offer pleasant company and coordinated contact, but it's not what I'm looking for. I like how I am, finding solace in my solitude and allowing spontaneity to be what unites us, what enables our encounters. I want to feel as prepared as possible for each one. With the others, however, I find myself in a comfort zone, and I don't like it. I don't feel capable of doing everything possible to remain reflective, to remain at the mercy of the various pressures that our relationship entails, pressures that allow me to be prepared for diversity. In other words, I love that individuality is a driving force, although I won't deny that as a result, I've felt a strong urge to flee back to normality, to the usual routine. But that's not what's right for me right now, it's not what I want, it's not what makes me reflective. But the encounters themselves do.

I'm grateful that the groups I've been in have been perfect for me—pleasant, friendly, and with the option to return whenever I want, without feeling threatened or anything like that. But I feel good as I am; I enjoy the life I've built, and I definitely don't need to run away from it. That lady, she was very kind to her family, with a warm welcome, a gradual, cautious, and open approach. In contrast, my friend is rather closed off, decisive, pompous with her surroundings, and focused on immediate gratification. It's not easy because there's no support from her environment, not at all. In fact, with my boss, there's absolutely no support from his inner circle for his actions. On the other hand, with the young man, there is support from his circle; everything's cool, everything's fine. But I don't want to be dependent on his environment. I don't want an environment that supports me or that supports them; I want independence from it. I want to create my own environments, not live off something pre-made, as is the case with them. For some reason, I'm afraid that speaking ill of them will cause me problems, that it will make them afraid that I'm on my own. And that's precisely why I decided to act in a way that closes the relationship, addressing those things that do happen, but it's just a temporary thing, not something significant, because I always need to reflect. That's what I like; that's what helps me with the career I envision.

These people turned out to be open, pleasant, and very kind, with an extraordinary and well-deserved openness. But the relationships I've built have come at the cost of hard work, step by step, and that's what keeps me moving forward—not to run away, but to preserve what I have. And in part, I admit, these other people don't want to leave either, to have someone else in their lives. They accept the effort, but it turns out they already have many things to do; they're already used to it, indeed tired, but it's only a temporary situation. It was nice to meet people like me, but no longer alone, but active in the world, within an environment, within a life built on social standards. In other words, there was a way to be myself in those labyrinths. However, there's always the restriction, and that's what justifies me continuing as always: embracing solitude, which doesn't impose reins, doesn't weigh me down, and only to the point where it maintains a great deal of limitation. In both people, I found excesses in the very aspects I adore: the social and the reflective, the individual, well-supported. Yet, I still found them constrained, and that makes me feel limited by them. Their stage is as delicate, in the long run, as that of other people I compare them to—I already mentioned my best friend at the office, but there's also my boss—regarding that openness, which I've always wanted, and the respectful openness that embraces it, that's in tune with the times and in accordance with his way of doing things.

My idea in the world isn't to seek out opposites.

My goal in life isn't to run away from what I have, but rather to appreciate it, and these people have allowed me to do just that. In the end, they helped fill the void left by both my boss and the girl. However, it's not something to take any further, because, let's face it, something perfect at first is hard to maintain, especially in circumstances free from pressure. When pressure arises, you see the same old thing again. They were undoubtedly very attractive, but it's not something to get carried away with at first.

Well, I've been writing for quite some time now, and I'm getting tired of the same old thing. My encounter with these people was perfectly timed; it just so happened that I had finished making my final notes regarding the story that had unfolded between my boss and the girl, my best friend. I hadn't delved into such insights, but this was my opportunity to do so, precisely what I was looking for: a kind of social commentary that would allow me to see what happened with these people from a possible outside perspective, from another window. Before, I relied solely on writings of a still generic, technical nature, without using everyday language. I went straight to the details and not the generalities, and that's what I have now. How tiring! And yet, I feel I can go back to my usual place and nothing will happen to me. I feel safe, without that emotional issue, without that fear that something might happen, which I have to admit I experience with the girl and my boss—that is, at the office. Everything happens at the office; I'm constantly on edge when they're both there. They make me incredibly nervous, and I don't like it. Even if the girl isn't there, the question is when she'll be back, and that's a problem. This is what makes me long for a better world, to seek other people who can give me a break, but that's impossible. That's why I need this distance, because otherwise I'll fall into the trap of abuse, out of habit, and these people will probably leave me, but then conflict will arise.

I never imagined I'd express this level of stress because of them. It's too much, and it's what makes me want to run out of the office, to be unfaithful, because none of them do anything at all to be with me, while these other people do. I'm the one carrying the weight of everything, maintaining harmony, so I don't fall apart. Both my boss and the woman help out, but it's a small thing. The chance for dialogue is nonexistent; I always have to rely on them, not the other way around. I feel overwhelmed, and no one seems to notice, and expressing it would only bring me more problems. The sensitivity of these two people is extraordinary. Of course, we went through a process where everything changed, but they don't take responsibility for that; instead, I'm the one who has to carry the burden. That's what has kept me away from the office all this time—to give myself a break, a rest that goes unacknowledged, because no one sees what I had to do to avoid succumbing to either of them.

I betrayed my boss because he betrayed me. He looked after his own image, not mine. I was going to be relegated to the office of an outcast, someone no one could do anything about, and I couldn't allow that. The resulting repercussions were going to be overwhelming, given how much I was being sidelined, and that's what prompted me to take action. It all started when a girl blocked me, something she hadn't done with the rest of the group, effectively excluding me and making me feel completely excluded, as if I weren't part of her life, as if I were different from everyone else, and that infuriated me. I told my boss, but he did nothing about it, and I had to intervene because I knew she would be able to tell others about it and cause further repercussions. I told other authorities, but they did absolutely nothing; in fact, they tried to stay as far away as possible.

I was very worried about the social repercussions, especially the fact that the girl might take advantage of the situation to pull tricks in her pursuit of a modicum of equality. My boss and his secretary made it seem like I had to be the strong one, that I shouldn't let her get away with it, leaving me completely helpless to the point where they pressured me into seeing a psychiatrist, accusing me of being weak and therefore potentially facing social repercussions. The issue was clear: I had to take action and be there for her. She could do whatever she wanted, however she pleased, but no one was going to do anything. Well, having said that, I understand that something was being done, and it was to make her look bad, to the point of trying to get her fired as soon as the first incident occurred. However, that wasn't the real plan, because it all started when I began talking to her, of course, after she had already started talking to me in person. My relationship with her was virtual. I couldn't just leave her helpless, nor could I turn a blind eye, especially since the girl and I were discussing the possibility of forming a group. In this sense, my boss tried to impose his will, using orders as a defense for me in any situation and running away, trying to avoid saying anything, hoping that what happened between the girl and me wouldn't come to light after the conflict.

He tried every possible way to obstruct us, to make her look bad, crazy, even to instruct me in violence, also because after the conflict and under the resulting blockade, she would be at a complete disadvantage, especially since she doesn't like to back down from her decisions, and even more so when it involves something that might make others doubt her. However, I didn't allow it. I played the victim, to completely undermine him, to make him look out of place. The boss demanded a deal with her to avoid causing them more problems, when it was my problem. He made threats about toys, which I silenced with real threats. He wanted to prevent me from associating with her at all costs, because if I did, it would reveal a situation of rejection within his group. The doubt about whether it existed would be taken as certainty, something that went against my principles. He was acting like a hero at first, but of course, there had to be some benefit to it. Quite rightly, they told me I was exaggerating, and I was, but that was living in my own world, something they could never penetrate.

My boss was a complete scoundrel. When I achieved my goal, they tried everything to undermine my image, to suggest that I was taking advantage of the situation, that I was being narcissistic, for having denounced him, for having exposed his efforts to keep me the way he wanted me, and also for hurting the girl. However, this didn't go unpunished for him at all. First, there was the matter with the authorities, the complaint, and then there was another complaint, this time made public, more than justifying what I had told the authorities. They definitely made things worse for themselves.

There was a guy yesterday who caught my attention. He kept making comments that were trying to influence my way of doing things, to make me believe things, but in the end, he turned out to be like some kind of inner circle, with sacred secrets that he didn't want to be revealed. I wasn't going to be around someone like that. With every comment he made, I felt trapped, taking advantage of the friendly image we were projecting in public, and it was something I didn't like. I was playing along, always trying to distance myself, but he just kept getting more and more entrenched and wouldn't budge. More or less, that was my boss's way of doing things, at all costs. With me, of course, he operated based on his own principles. For example, we were talking about being out on the street, sharing intimate things. He was, and still is, an excellent person, but I just don't like to keep that kind of intimacy with others.

It resulted in a vague exchange of information, and it's not the kind of conversation I want to have, at least not occasionally. It was clear the guy had the best intentions and that his relationship wouldn't go any further. However, the problem is that in the long run, I was going to hold onto things that would cloud the relationship because I didn't agree with his methods; they're not my style. Surely, for someone else, it might be the same. And I understand him; being selective based on well-verified evidence is something one appreciates, and he was consistent throughout.

That wasn't the case with my boss, who acted based on nothing, on his own imagination, on his own world with me, trying to completely overstep the bounds of the context, the tone of the conversation, trying to go too far when there wasn't that friendly tone, when the context wasn't appropriate for them. He was completely out of place in the office; he was, and is, someone just trying to survive there. No matter how much the top boss talks about attending, about doing something about it, if she doesn't say so herself, I don't believe my boss at all. He uses anything and everything, emotional manipulation, to get things done; it's not prudent. This guy, well, he was reciprocal, it was hard for him, but he was. I confess he's not the type of person to force things, to always be in that state of anxiety, because it also depends on circumstances. So, getting close to him results in a comfort zone that will be hard to maintain at all costs. I'm definitely grateful to have met him and to have seen him from the start, with that mindset, and somehow I felt we were heading towards a point of convergence, but it's not the right time yet, and I don't know why. I have the feeling that he's capable of seeing it, which isn't the case with my boss, from whom I have no expectations, no reflections whatsoever. Instead, he seeks to persevere, moving in his own direction to then surprise you, which he calls convincing you. He's a manipulative person who tries to shift blame for things that aren't the proper way to act with others in an office, for God's sake. That kind of acting like you're not in the office is something I can't stand. This young man, on the other hand, was aware that he was out in the field, despite our differing, even opposing, principles. He was aware of the context in which he operated, and he wasn't abusive. He earned trust through sheer determination. My boss, however, didn't operate accordingly. In fact, I can feel that I wasn't obligated to be around this young man. I'd even say that he's already looking forward to getting rid of this whole mess with people. Like me, he wants to achieve something organized, but definitely not imposed, because things will eventually explode, and pretending otherwise is just wishful thinking—something my boss, for God's sake, definitely operates on.

That young man certainly has leadership qualities and is aware that he's not a big deal. He displays a pleasant caution, taking things slowly and allowing others to speak. However, my boss is completely out of control. I definitely found myself in the opposite situation to my boss.

I feel like he's a good friend, but I feel like he's lacking something to be with me. We struggle to connect, and although it's exciting, I'm not one to stay in my comfort zone with someone. It becomes addictive in a way, which isn't what I'm looking for in a person, and in fact, that's how my relationships are structured. I feel like he's the one who does all the thinking and reflection; it's me and only me. And doing that with someone else, well, the experience itself might be casual and fun, but it's a recipe for conflict. Because it's about pretending we can handle all the differences, about pretending we can maintain our comfort zone, about maintaining those spaces where we don't talk about things, and that's not what I'm looking for, that's not what interests me. I'm interested in something that leads me to reflection, and a comfort zone prevents that. I feel like I'm preparing to defend myself against the subject, and the subject is doing the same, in order to safeguard each profile, and that's not the idea. Hence, the issue is purely occasional, and at the same time, it helps me understand why the relationship tends to become conflictive, or at least establish points of conflict, or enemies, and things like that. In a way, I feel like we operate based on hatred of others and, in part, of ourselves because we're always on the outside, given our reflections, and that's not the idea. Rather, I aspire for the issue not to be primarily about that, but something occasional. I can do that with an AI that is inherently neutral, but it generates emotions, and the idea of ​​a relationship, it seems to me, is that it serves as a calming influence, without encroaching on the space.

The gentleman very kindly gave me his number, helped me get food, and made me feel very comfortable. He truly made the moment pleasant, very appreciative, completely empathetic, and thoughtful. But I feel that being with him means one person leading while the other contributes, and that's not the idea, or rather, it should be the other way around. I also admit that I feel bad saying no to him, so there's a sense of conflict all around, somehow. And this gentleman certainly has things to do; he has a life, just like I do. These attempts at being pleasant, which partly stem from this search for growth, but based on one language and mine on another, and also from embracing a life where the world can be a certain way. Indeed, it's an embrace of diversity, but points of friction are already apparent. I don't feel comfortable in this relationship. I can't find a way to clash with him, I can't find anything that would make me move. Indeed, there will be encouragement for certain behaviors and rejection of others; there will be radical boundaries, but the attraction itself, based on that anger of being us, is present. I don't see the point in maintaining this in something like the street; it's a different story if it were in a closed space, which is where I have to take action.

I confess that I'm distancing myself, as well as from another relationship, because I'm already with someone like this, someone we're attracted to because of these opposing principles. It's just that in her case, it's due to socialization. Apparently, opposing principles can be expressed in different ways, depending on the context, as I'll explain. I feel that this girl, I admit it, has me completely absorbed, and I don't want to leave, under any circumstances, for fear of what might happen if I'm not with her, for fear that the world will take advantage of my difference, which isn't imposing, while hers is. No one can defend me in the street for being different, but she can. With her, I feel safe, completely, and also have the chance to continue dissolving, in total freedom. So, leaving the group just like that, betraying her by joining another group, is something I can't do. I feel that I love her, too; in fact, you could say we love each other. I can't leave her because I'm not going to find someone like her out there, I'm unlikely to. I would like to feel free to leave, but I can't. My difference isn't recognized, but hers is; it's a matter of luck. She can go to any office and nothing happens to her, while I always have to be on guard. I wish this weren't my reality, but it is: I'm in a society that seeks to dominate difference when it can't defend itself, as has been the case with all forms of diversity throughout history.

She's my best friend because she's the only one who can defend me, the only one capable, in the midst of everything, of doing whatever she wants, and that's partly true. I wish reality were different, but no group offers me that kind of empathy, because more than anyone, she knows what it's like to be outside the norm and to be kicked around for it. She knows how to navigate this aggressive world, at least in this country; I'm not allowed to, there's no encouragement for it.

I feel like I love her, because I have no other choice. I feel like I value her immensely because I have no other choice. I feel like I can't explore other worlds, as my adventurous spirit desires, because I'm not allowed to be coerced like she is. I'm always on edge, worried someone will make a comment, but that doesn't happen with her. That eagerness to say whatever she wants, after careful consideration, is unique to her. I was in that situation and decided to leave, and what a grave mistake it was. Being open to life, while beneficial to many, ultimately shattered it into a thousand pieces. Because she's closed off, she has the upper hand. I never want to feel like that again, especially not with someone who, in essence, doesn't allow me to exercise my freedom as I want, as she allows me to. I had no choice but to give in to her. She knows how to manipulate things in a way that makes you feel different, and no one can do anything about it. That's why I betrayed my boss at the office, radically, with a completely ruthless spirit, knowing that his issue was something else entirely, in support of me, in retaliation for her going her own way. The reactions were of the same magnitude, however, what my boss did wasn't enough. She managed to make me feel different and therefore excluded; it was a pressure I couldn't bear. My boss didn't take it into account and never would, initially because he himself denied me the very thing that would have been communication, that would have compensated for everything, that would have stopped her from making me feel cast aside. He was her main collaborator, even if it wasn't his intention, but rather he collaborated with her, making me feel marginalized, broken, and powerless. That's why I reacted in order to make him do it that way, so that he would have no choice but to give in to the environment, because for my part I felt that I was already giving in, because I had nothing more to say.

I also find that guy rather possessive, very perfectionistic, he sees too many things, way too many. It's a paradise that won't last. Indeed, this young woman knew how to navigate the situation, radically, she knew how to play her cards right. She created conflict between my boss and me, and she came out on top dramatically. Of course, it so happened that my boss didn't rely on the established work structure, while she did, and that's why I chose her. In times of crisis, there's no time for support that isn't external to the structure, for being at the mercy of what might be said about one's image, for simply using it for its sake. Because of this selfishness, I decided that my boss definitely wasn't going to abandon me, as had happened in the past, and this is what has led me to lose all empathy for him, to the point of only looking out for the structure and nothing else. Because with him, when it comes down to it, he's the only one who matters, even though the structure allows for some flexibility. That's why he was able to denounce his own behavior, that he was acting in isolation from his surroundings.

i remember reading an article which stated that life is a series of choices, and i found it resonates with my situation. my husband and i have been married for twenty years; we share a home and family but our life isn't as picture-perfect as one might think. his aggressive behavior escalates at times, leading to physical confrontations that leave me emotionally and physically drained. unfortunately, our two children are witnesses to these distressing episodes, and i feel guilty that they must endure it too. i'm weighing whether this relationship can be salvaged or if it's best to separate for everyone's well-being.

i've sought professional assistance from various resources on domestic violence intervention strategies and conflict resolution techniques. while some methods have proven beneficial in mediating disputes temporarily or providing clarity on certain topics, there's still an underlying friction that seems insurmountable. the challenge here lies in evaluating the effectiveness of therapy sessions versus living separately without allowing resentments to fester further.

well-known psychologist once said: 'Wherever you go becomes a part of you somehow'; which captures the essence of how deeply intertwined relationships impact personal growth both positively and negatively over time... The uncertainty surrounding whether such complexities should prompt immediate action remains prevalent but simultaneously overwhelms me considering potential ramifications upon everyone involved 🤔 My heart leans towards optimism hoping changes can transpire through continued communication yet realistic understanding necessitates acknowledgment when enough has been tried.

so here's the deal, folks. i've been dealing with panic attacks for a while now, and lemme tell you: they suck big time!!! like, sometimes i feel like my heart's racing at a million miles an hour, and breathing? yeah right! but what freaks me out the most is the idea that one of these episodes might make me faint. can that even happen?! i mean, it's terrifying to think that while i'm just going about my day, boom!, i'm on the floor. i've heard stories of people who go completely out of it during a panic attack and end up fainting... has anyone else felt this way???

honestly, i try not to let it get me down too much; staying positive is kind of my thing. but seriously: if any of you have experienced this or know someone who has, i'd love to hear about it. let's share some stories here! maybe we can help each other out or just find some comfort in knowing we're not alone in this crazy mess. i mean, these panic attacks already take enough outta us without adding fainting scares into the mix!!

caught feelings for someone who was never mine to begin with. how did i let myself even get to this point... it’s funny like, you find yourself daydreaming about scenarios that will never exist and suddenly it feels tragically bittersweet when reality sinks in. friends asking if something is going on and you’re here thinking, 'Isn't nothing actually happening?' What do they know that I've missed? despite knowing from the start there was no establishment of anything significant beyond a friendly camaraderie, the heart sometimes refuses to follow what the mind logically understands. whether through shared interests or engaging chatting (that one time we had a heated debate about which superhero is superior), these little moments fostered a fondness. oh deceptive yet innocent illusions of potential romantic chapters...

Wow, the office is fertile ground for throwing shade at everyone. Nobody there knows what's going on, it seems to me, and I don't think I'm any different from what a professional would say, what a conversation is like. Everyone's always taking jabs at each other in some way. The girl I'm working with, my friend, my absolute best friend—and now I see she calls me her absolute best friend because, well, I look out for her every need—she's always fighting with everyone, no matter what, because nobody likes her sophisticated social structure. Everyone wants to get rid of her, just like my closest colleagues tried to do to me, for God's sake. The girl is a beautiful woman, I have to say it. She's not particularly striking, she's slim, she exercises, and that's why I find her so attractive, because I'm in the same boat, or rather, I consider myself to have those same attributes, so as not to establish something universal, because what one person considers fat, another might consider thin. I'm not going to use the term "weakness," which I don't think is appropriate and I don't feel like looking it up.

I feel compelled to write and write to be prepared for the coming days, because we're going to have a meeting, amidst the crisis that, as I understand it, has caused each office to operate under regulated formats. All this time I've spent diligently studying who we are, how we got here, how we managed to clash, and who we're dealing with. I feel somewhat horrified by the things I've discovered in the environment, and I don't know what system she's operating under. Frankly, instead of studying, I would have liked her, the girl, to have extended an invitation, perhaps for one of those outings, for a drink, like those extroverted people do. But someone could also say that she would have liked me to bring her to my places, my social spaces, where I thrive no matter what. However, in both our cases, those spaces are already completely taken over, and that's precisely what allows us to connect with each other, which is what makes our group what it is. We don't interact outside the office, in order to make the most of our time there. I feel like I like her a lot, if we're going to talk about it, because we're in the same boat and maybe we could save each other, but the idea isn't to get into that, because that would be ignoring the other person's life, where they are, their ability to get out of there, in terms of being able to see them, which is what creates the distance that makes the whole thing, and that distance arises precisely because we don't meet the expectations of the relationship environment. Rather, if we want to foster being together, saving each other is already a contradiction.

I'd like to tell the girl how I feel, but it would be for something completely futile, something that wouldn't help us, and I do love her, I really do, and that's why I want to stay by her side. Frankly, what I feel I'm doing with this writing is structuring all the ideas I've had for the past few days. In essence, that's what I feel I'm doing, because it also happens that I can't find anything else to do but think. I don't have any distractions other than delving into theoretical discussions, which are, in themselves, topics I find to distract myself from the fact that she's not there. Of course, I don't doubt that she's doing the same, getting involved in situations that allow her to discern what I'm feeling. It's a kind of digging into it, and that's precisely what defines our way of being with each other right now, like in the office, which is where things happen, as I don't know if I've mentioned before. In the office, each of us focuses on digging in our own schematic territory: she from a well-established, totally sociable perspective, I from a well-established, totally professional one, which, nevertheless, we leave aside a little in front of each other to be able to embrace. In other words, we manage to embrace each other by partially abandoning our principles, making use of the remaining portion, so that there is a proposal for mutual action and a direction is established. Of course, the proposals contain elements of each other, and that's why they clash. The fact that our initial principles are opposed and that we partially abandon them allows for flexibility, and at the same time, it allows us to find ways to connect. This is achieved by accepting that what we've done is both disappointing and satisfying; that is, it results in a middle ground to which we commit ourselves. We don't like each other at all, nor do we dislike each other at all, and what keeps us together is being at that midpoint between liking and disliking. The tendency towards extremes leads to the establishment of comfort zones with others, which we try to prevent as much as possible, and which leads us to interactions that go beyond the norm, ultimately contributing to our progress and our efforts to safeguard them.

I like what I'm writing; I feel like I'm establishing our way of being in the world, according to the mechanics that define each of us. It's exciting and guiding, but at the same time, it's exhausting because none of the surrounding groups are addressing these issues; I'm the one doing it. I can't imagine how exhausted she must be, too, from discerning this, and that if we don't, if we don't expose ourselves to a coordinated approach, we would be exposed to acts of control, given that our principles are opposed and the pre-established coordination means that we operate from our own principles, which directly reject those of the other. We can speak of rejection when what is expressed is not part of future discourse, that is, it is not taken into account. However, rejection reaches its extreme when that discourse becomes a deflection for the other, a situation made possible through the visualization of counterparts. Often, the one who wins in such arenas is a matter of exercising argumentation within the environment, since, in essence, both are on the same level in terms of generative actions, so to speak, but what determines limitations is the environment, the collective understanding.

I feel like I'm using the site to create, so to speak, sociological diagrams, and I admit it tires me. I'm having fun, but I feel like I'm no longer getting to anything truly interesting. All this writing stems from the fact that, theoretically, being in a period of crisis and the company only operating in an irregular format, I took my time, but it hasn't been a stable thing because there are still activities going on in the company, in the office, anyway. In this recent context, there was an invitation to a get-together, which was prompted by the change in routine, as I was already on vacation. It also happens that I want to be as prepared as possible for that event, presentable. I can't say that her life, meanwhile, has been easier during this period, because I've already seen evidence that it hasn't. During this crisis, the girl has had a very difficult time regarding the repercussions of a family member's situation; I understand that's part of it. I'd like to be able to talk about what I'm doing, but it's a private matter, and I'm afraid to say what I'm doing, mainly because I don't remember what I'm doing. I don't share it because I do so many things that I simply don't remember any of them. I'm not focused on remembering; they're done for me and only me, just like with her. That's why telling me anything about her or about me is complicated because it means explaining what one does in an entire life, or at least in a certain period of time, which is a lot. That would absorb her from her life, and that's definitely not the idea.

Personally, I feel like I'm stretching my ideas to the limit, as much as possible, because I want to be as prepared as possible. I'm also doing it to forget about this whole thing once and for all. Having an unusual relationship in the middle of a period when socializing is unusual makes everything feel new.

I don't want to share my knowledge with the office, my reflections, which will remain solely with me in the future. I'm not interested in doing so; it truly pains me, because they're supposed to know all these things, but they don't. They don't act according to protocol, but rather by chain of command, in a way that's almost military in nature. In every action taken, the law is involved; that's the spirit of the military, based on containing and preventing conflicts from escalating. This is the spirit the office aspires to, for God's sake.

They don't know how to behave in an office, and yet they make a living by pretending to be the wisest, and that's the majority. Ignorance reigns, and of course, where ignorance reigns, the one-eyed man is king. The one who can best escape the way things are is the one in charge, because he's the one who knows how to evade the defenses. That's why my boss was so rebellious in that office. I've been thinking about this for a while, wondering why this guy reached the point he did. The purpose of an office is unclear; documents serve merely as excuses, safeguarding authority and maintaining a facade. However, the focus is not on producing results, on hierarchical support, or on acting simply because someone is present—that's the spirit of any such presence—but rather on pre-established protocols. No problem, which is what I witnessed there, can be resolved by an order as an excuse, for God's sake. That office is a disaster from every perspective, and of course, the people are on the defensive because they don't know how to defend themselves. Instead, they use the image to sow doubt, to denigrate it; this is the key to surviving through the territorialization that no one told them to undertake. The company is merely decorative; there is no company. It has been hijacked by those in charge to do whatever they please, as long as the facade of a company is maintained.

I am completely disappointed by the improvisation, by this game, by the fact that things aren't taken into account, and that a young woman paid the price for her negligence. A young woman leaked a text message, not knowing what to do with it, a message that clearly stated it was for everyone to read—that's the point, after all, there's nothing to hide, unless there's a secret agreement, and of course, it doesn't involve any illicit scheme, which never happened. That text, which I wrote, wasn't shared by anyone who told the young woman she was doing the right thing, that it was simply a matter of documenting the situation. Instead, they only focused on what she was doing, on the image, not the action itself, thus creating a bias that validated the idea that she was trying to mess with others with her overly open-mindedness, which even overshadowed her work at the office, which was relegated to the background. I ask again, who can I share these thoughts with if they don't share this mindset? Knowing how to manage a company is considered a matter for scholars, for goodness sake. Instead of being the foundation, instead of requiring constant reflection, it all seems to point to a continuous display of power through imposition. Do these people accept criticism? Of course not. They're so nervous about having their mistakes exposed that they live only to defend themselves. Naturally, they can't maintain a stable structure.

These people aren't prepared to work, unfortunately, and it pains me to say it like this. They aren't. There's no culture of collaboration. It seems the school system has failed completely. People come in and do whatever they please with a big smile. Personally, I see that they're neglecting their work, for no other reason than to avoid expressing, divulging, or, in popular terms, exposing themselves—that they came to socialize. And believe me, I was told what I was doing when I kept to myself. I wish I had someone to talk this over with, but that person doesn't exist. The girl I teamed up with there definitely doesn't seem ready for this conversation because her socialization framework, her starting point, is radically different from mine. That's why I say our socialization styles are opposites. But I won't deny that if we made the effort, if we focused, she would understand what I have to say, just as I would understand hers. But functionality is what would divide us, because we would see difficulties in fulfilling our respective principles, leading to conflict.

The girl connected with me because, unlike the others who were caught between one framework and the other, and despite those who were in the same framework and lived through disappointment, and the others—the intermediate ones I'm referring to—who followed these others, she found that those who shared her same spirit weren't anything transcendent; they brought her problems that couldn't be solved.

That girl found a sacred place, something concrete, from elsewhere, from another world, something unknown to her, which, of course, raised her highest standards of socialization to the point of grounding it in something unique. And I certainly showed her that this was possible, through her fear of losing it, something that was indeed achieved. We were in that process; she always knew she could connect with me, that I could protect her, because she was clear about my principles, which were based on a strictly professional framework. In turn, she offered me something interesting, which was that strictly social framework, the issue being explicitly like mine. We could protect each other, and furthermore, we could understand each other, feel each other, embrace each other. I feel we like each other, but we don't want to get involved in anything sexual or other intimate ways. Maybe there might be some other similar things, but always with the understanding that each of us has our own life, which is different from the other's, but that we can understand each other and that we are capable of living with our differences, unlike how others think. That resentment is what motivates us to be together, to seek that form of intimate contact, and to form a group in front of the office. We are on our own, given the way we are together, where the social structure is somewhat disappointing, as is the professional one. However, both serve as a way to be in that office, to allow our group to exist, since there is a defensiveness from both perspectives.

My boss and his secretary operated from this same mindset, but it always ended in disaster thanks to their attempts to colonize us in some way, by any means necessary, at the cost of preventing the disclosure or doubt of the results with the departments they managed. In our case, we keep our distance from others, and our work is completely out in the open. Indeed, we are more trusted by the group than the others, who then go their own way, definitely. We make an impact and stand out because our way of socializing is different. The others coexist by preventing conflicts and accepting one or two others, whereas we embrace them and transcend them. Life between her and me is a constant conflict, because her life, under the same circumstances, points in one direction, and my principles in another. But being opposed, they allow for a direction to be forged; in essence, a dialectic is found, since by being opposed, and therefore having something of the other, this direction can be achieved. It's not easy to talk about this with someone. What existed between my boss and his secretary was a clash of opposing viewpoints, where the one who projected the best image to the group in terms of interpersonal skills won. However, they didn't consider the consequences beyond establishing a tyranny of silence among the others to prevent themselves from falling short of the objectives others expected of them.

I mean, admitting I took these tests at the office would be like getting myself killed. I think it's very important to carry them out in order to achieve effective collaboration with the young woman.

I think that working life itself, the office environment, is an absolute mess. In times of crisis, when the bureaucratic structure should be most remembered and reflections made, it's completely forgotten, and measures more suited to a social center or something like that are used instead, and anything goes to make them fit within the established work framework. My boss is in serious trouble for using his authority however he pleases, and in fact, he didn't seem to care at all; he was convinced that no one noticed. I don't understand, in principle, how there can be people in an office who don't consider that everything stems from legality, especially in a place where individuals come together to carry out specific interactions. My boss doesn't have the slightest idea what he's talking about; he operates solely to secure a specific territory—in other words, the clearest evidence of a barbarian in these parts, for God's sake. Personally, if he dies, it would be a huge benefit to the office, since he's essentially anchored in the middle of it all, using whatever means necessary to sustain himself and gain an advantage.

The man lived with the mindset, after a problem he had with a girl I was involved with, that the key to avoiding further problems was to drop the matter and minimize contact. These are not the kind of people who can handle anything beyond the routine, even though, by God's grace, these routines are what truly matter and where the work is done. These people haven't the faintest idea what it means to be at work; instead, they exploit it to gain social advantages and then move into other circles, without giving any space whatsoever to demonstrating their abilities. I partly understand why their dedication is so sacred to them, because things don't work the same way as in teaching, where the key lies in effective social interaction that contributes to the learning outcomes of the classes, given that the person is a teacher. In those environments, the game of manipulating others through coercion is what matters, or is usually considered to matter, a concept that even has its own levels of structure thanks to possible evaluations. However, in a bureaucratic environment like this, this isn't possible. In fact, here, since everything is about results in the bureaucratic structure, the individual doesn't know at all how to manage or defend themselves and lives entirely at the mercy of the social climate, completely abandoning the professional framework and acting solely for the sake of an image, which apparently is the last resort when one doesn't know how to operate.

Frankly, I feel that my boss doesn't know how to do his job and lacks the general management skills necessary to establish himself. He's a complete failure, through and through. He lives hand to mouth, and as a teacher, he doesn't realize that the foundation of any endeavor is training, regardless of the field. This tells me that he certainly knows how to navigate the teaching world, but outside of that, he doesn't know how to operate. In other words, he doesn't truly understand what teaching is, except in certain defined ways, barely for the sake of fame, where, indeed, fame and results often coincide, and doubt is allowed to arise from both the public and the teacher himself. I'm disappointed because he lives on the fly, there's no planning, I don't feel like I'm dealing with a professional, and he just gets out of problems however he can, at the expense of people's ignorance. The man thought I would follow an order he gave him regarding my personal life, an area in which he had no involvement. He's a nuisance; he's someone I don't even want to think about anymore.

Even when I was in the other office, where I met him, there were problems with him, but the whole thing still had a teaching spirit; there was a framework to work from, which this guy doesn't. I see that many people who go into management do it from the perspective of someone who gets everything done, by any means necessary, when the issue is about context. But they don't see that; instead, they focus on self-importance through results, only seeking what's necessary to enhance their image, to say they're doing something and promoting innovation—a form of forced inclusion in a world they don't fit into. What a failure! I never imagined encountering something like that these days.

Everyone in that office is focused on establishing who they are and ensuring that their position isn't questioned through interactions with others. In other words, in that office, for heaven's sake, they don't care about establishing results and actually sharing them, which is what allows for an evaluation of each employee. There are no schemes to individualize each worker, that is left to chance; they should be concise, allow for profiling, and be the means by which socialization is established.

In that office, the goal is to create a mass of people based on their position. It's socialization through the position that defines the individual, not the position itself in terms of work. It's a social center; in fact, profiles are established around socialization, not work. Even within this system, work itself becomes sacrificial under the same scheme of exclusion and subsequent inclusion of the individual. It's truly horrifying. I'm tired of seeing how this kind of "safeguarding" is experienced. Of course, social interaction isn't protected, it's not measured, and it shouldn't be. But how am I supposed to talk to them about this? Naturally, the work situation there will never improve; there's no way, because there are no standards to strive for. Frankly, trying to talk to them about this is a complete waste of breath, absolutely a waste of breath, and this is in a university office. None of them inspire confidence in me to have this kind of conversation, because none of them, as is often the case in classes, are fully engaged with the material. Instead, they focus on making pathetic attempts to pass exams just to stay with the group, of course, at the expense of effective socialization, just like what happens and continues to happen, for God's sake, in school.

In that office, the last thing I find is the office itself; I feel like I've wasted my time with these people. I came here to work with professionals, and that's not what I find, that's not what I get, it's simply not there. There isn't even a serious commitment to the company other than avoiding looking bad in front of someone, just like in school—in fact, I think it even happens at university. And then they expect us not to notice? These people never left school; they stayed there. I've been the only one—and that's why I'm singled out—who looks after the structure, the working environment, but it can't be that I'm given a position for that reason alone. Rather, that should be the norm, the starting point for everyone, the least expected, because it's the foundation. There should be a focus on workplace safety, on conducting reviews, on knowing which standards to adhere to, so that it's not just about pleasing my boss, which is essentially just doing things for the sake of doing them, to meet their expectations, which leads to being overly demanding and avoiding conflict. In that office, everything is done with the aim of preventing conflicts, instead of, for goodness' sake, confronting them and mobilizing the social fabric. I don't know who I'm with there, I don't know. I don't feel I can talk to them about anything, nor that I should, because they won't understand. They most likely think the office is for networking, when that's earned through hard work, through earning a living. The office isn't a social hub, and it can't be, because the company's objectives are just an excuse to keep doing the same thing. It's disrespectful to the company, its management, its structure, its commitment. I ask again, but to which of them can I say that if they're not on the same page? I'm tired of hearing that everyone is helping out...for God's sake, this isn't a family.

My boss operates with complete egocentrism. He wants to have the world under his complete control, the rumors under his absolute control, and in fact, he's built his life around that. However, in his zeal, he manages to evade the very thing that could be used to stab him in the back. He tries to avoid anything that might cause him problems, because he knows he creates them, and all at the cost of his nerves, of course, if he intends to hold the world together. The man hasn't even shown up for a party, while his secretary has. It's clear he knows that everyone in the company wants him dead, wants him dead, because there was a tragedy and it was proven that all he knew was how to escape, how to avoid taking responsibility, how to be unprepared for emergencies. I haven't seen him in a while, and what I remember is that he tried to approach me several times to come work with him through friendly conversation, but I didn't let him. I'm no longer in that situation with him, and the time I did was only to get away from him. I didn't want him in my life; he almost put me in serious trouble. He's someone I'm not interested in, someone who only causes me problems with his sneaking around, his refusal to face the music, all because he clings to his cowardly principles.

He tried to get rid of me, making me try to stay with the others, but it backfired. The funny thing is, I ended up with the most hated person in the group. Of course, it was also an advantage for her, since she was a girl, because she just happened to be with the most introverted person, which is somewhat paradoxical given the group she's part of at the office. We're both introverts, we interact in our own way, and that's what really annoyed my boss. He thrived on having to conform to everyone's expectations, always on the edge, constantly avoiding everything. We, on the other hand, don't operate that way; we allow ourselves to be ourselves. He tried to separate us, and that's precisely when I managed to turn the tables. We didn't end up on each other; he was completely devastated. His days at the company aren't just numbered, they're practically nonexistent, because the bad rumors, fueled by a real complaint, are wreaking havoc on him.

It's a shame I had to pull such a trick on this person, but otherwise he'd never respect me, and he needs to learn to respect people, especially introverts. Whether he likes it or not, this is an honest way of life, unlike him, who's a dishonest extrovert. He clings to authority to do whatever he wants, and those kinds of people definitely shouldn't be in this world, especially not with the state of our country right now. Well, I had to get rid of that guy, especially since I'm the student admissions coordinator at a university, for God's sake. I have a lot of management knowledge, but I'm not going to give it to him. He thought for a long time that he had me wrapped around his little finger, but as time went on, things turned out the other way around: every attempt he made to get his hands on me was thwarted. He was someone who didn't know what to do because he felt limited by me, and he didn't like that, so he got rid of me. He does that to people he can't control when he gets the chance. I was going to do that with the girl, since she was in the same situation.

The man isn't the fierce warrior he claims to be when cornered, when he's alone, completely defenseless. He's not as clever as he pretends to be; in fact, I've seen how quickly he can be exposed. Of course, he doesn't care about his image because, as I've said, he always leaves things out of character and depends on the support of others. I'm not going to support this image because it won't do any good. Instead, I need people to see what we're dealing with so we can take precautions now. Being in a job isn't about having it for the sake of survival, but about fulfilling one's responsibilities. Supporting something like that is supporting an abuse of power, and one definitely shouldn't be part of a group like that. I'm glad the secretary distanced herself from him, as she'd been saying he was the one who brought her into the world with his true nature. In fact, he always made her do all the work, making her the one who did the running while she did the work—typical of patriarchal families. He always made her feel responsible for his stress. He was truly a wretch, and when I left him bankrupt, all she did was smile. Of course, those are the typical gestures of someone who manages to compensate for that wounded, oppressed part of themselves, which no one else supported in any way because it would involve a very, very delicate power struggle.

I would never have supported that woman in her situation, and besides, any complaint I made would have been used to contradict her.

The secretary's situation was one of being trapped. Who knows what kind of messes she got herself into with him? It's clear she's the kind of person who gets involved in social situations that inevitably backfire on her sooner or later, if she gets involved at all. She seems to live only to please others in order to keep the group together and get some affection at the same time. I once supported someone like that, and I'm certainly doing well now, but in this case, I'm afraid there was nothing I could do, because the thing was, she was in the same job, and I can't afford to make drastic changes that would affect me. In fact, when the thing with the girl happened, it affected her work life, and I had to find a way to get her out of that situation, no matter what. She reported something that shouldn't have been reported, and because of her reputation, people thought she was trying to make me look bad, when in reality she couldn't handle the situation, the conflict we had. She couldn't control it and sought support from others, but they didn't see it that way.

That girl, like the secretary, was also trying to gain influence over others, and in fact, they were constantly vying for power. Wow, so many things happened in the office that people didn't even notice. Of course, when that conflict arose, it's worth noting that people forgot they were in an office, and I used whatever it took to support her side. In this regard, my boss tried to do his own thing; he wanted to distance me from her, and frankly, I didn't want to. He wanted me to use some pseudo-bureaucratic excuse not to speak to her, knowing it would affect her, but I refused to use that excuse. I did too many things to make him turn his gaze toward me, to make him feel that I was somehow obsessed with the girl, and thus provoke a confrontation. He and his secretary wanted to stand up to him, but while the girl was doing her thing with them—because she was also in the fight—and I was doing my own thing with them, the group couldn't hold its ground. Thinking he had the upper hand with me, he lost it, and then he didn't know what to do. They never thought anyone would step down from their pedestal, least of all my boss, so he didn't know what to do. He didn't recognize me, just like his secretary. For them, it's not normal for someone to drag them into conflict; their life revolves around running away from them. The girl was on the same page as me with them; in fact, even after everything happened, she's still at it.

That someone wouldn't care about their peace is something they can't understand, something strange to them, because they assume everyone wants it, no matter what, since they see themselves as the primary providers. In fact, they considered themselves the lords and masters of the office, even though they weren't the authorities, something they couldn't do. Quite a recap of this story, it just so happens we're not on vacation and I haven't put all the pieces back in their place.

I know this is a confession site but still..

I’m looking for ways to earn some extra cash online. Does anyone know of legit platforms, gigs, or opportunities where you can get paid for completing tasks, micro-jobs, surveys, freelance work, or similar stuff?

Would love any recommendations, personal experiences, or tips you have — especially ones that actually pay out reliably. Thanks in advance!

So I (16F) met a guy (19M) on codm and we talked and dated for maybe a week and we had planned for him to come up to Washington from Cali and he even booked an Airbnb near me. So it’s the 4th of July and he says “baby if you do end up letting me hit then I have a surprise for you” and I’m so confused so I ask him what it is and he says “Well I know how religious you are and sex is more of a marriage thing and what do you do before you get married? You get engaged so I baught you something” and I’m like oh like a promise ring? And he corrects me and says he already baught an engagement ring for me. I FULLY panicked. Soooo I blocked him because I lowkey thought if we met up then I honestly might’ve gotten kidnapped. Jump to last night at like midnight and I have been considering unblocking him for a few days now but I decide that was the time I guess. He automatically texts and we were trying to talk and I was trying to explain it from my pov and he told me how I fucked him over because he wasted 3k on the Airbnb and I promised I would never hurt him but I did(plus I got with him 3 months after he got cheated on by his girlfriend of 3 years) he ended up becoming very very depressed and was telling me how he wanted to kill himself and he had a gun right there and we still talked but all day today I have been trying to get him to not kill himself. He hates his life rn and a lot of it was because I ghosted him for 6 days. I left him and he’s too depressed to do literally anything like he won’t work and he keeps telling me that he’s crying and every time he tries to eat or drink water he throws up. Also because he wasted 3k in the Airbnb and he can’t even work because of how depressed I made him and now he has no money and has an eviction notice. All last night and all through I’ve either been trying to get him to not commit or I’m just trying to help him do literally anything. I can’t even get him to stand up and honestly I don’t even know why he’s still talking to me. When I blocked him I honestly didn’t realize it would affect him this much and I feel like such an insensitive piece of shit. I hope I’m helping by talking to him. He always responds to me and I fell asleep and he texted multiple times during my nap so I’m just glad he still wants to talk to me. I just still feel kinda useless because he isn’t doing any better I don’t think. What do I do now?

just had another panic attack. it feels like my life is just a series of these stupid episodes. i know therapists call them "responses" and whatever but honestly, it just feels like my body is betraying me every single time. i'm so fed up with being exhausted after; seriously, it's like running a marathon mentally and physically.

had one at work today which was embarrassing in itself. there i was, trying to give a presentation on our latest project when bam, heart racing, can't breathe, sweaty palms... the whole nine yards. people think you’re just weak or looking for attention. no one understands unless they've been through it themselves.

i know some might suggest meditation or breathing exercises again but let's be real. those are really just band-aids on a bullet wound. sometimes nothing works no matter how hard you try and that’s just infuriating.

the aftermath is the worst part though: hours of feeling drained and spaced out, unable to focus on anything productive for the rest of the day. who can afford that? i've got deadlines and responsibilities yet these attacks don't care about any schedule.

so tired of hearing people say "just relax" (fuuuuck you people!!!). it's not about relaxing! wish they'd stop giving useless advice and start understanding the reality of what happens during these moments. until then i'll keep pretending everything's fine because apparently that's what society prefers.

Incoherent rant because I need to get it out of my mind, for context TLDR I’m a minor (16 now) and I was groomed online by a woman 5 years older than me and I think she is the only person I’m capable of loving because I think horribly of everyone else I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

I think I will never be able to love anyone aside from predators, it seems I’m somehow OBSESSED with them. I think there is some part of my brain that is biologically wired toward evil, it’s an outdated belief that mental derangement is caused by demonic possession but I think i might be the first true case of an actual demon. I’m incompatible with people who love me (parents, friends), but most notably romantic relationships with people my age, they fill me with so much indescribable misery and just RAGE. I hate how equality feels. I despise my partner, and I would despise them no matter how beautiful no matter how kind no matter how perfect they might be, I’m eternally contemptful. I blame every bad thing that happens in their dysfunctional life on myself, they usually trust me by dumping all of their problems onto me and I see them as burdens, and I see them as weak because of how I’d love to be in their place and feel misery. I need to be in a constant state of mental distress to feel normal or ‘well’, and if I’m not in mental distress, I don’t feel right and I have to manually trigger the distress somehow to confirm my consciousness. But i swear I’m not abusive, I’m perfect on the outside or at least I try my best to be, I say everything that sounds right (I know it’s right because I’m affirmed for it), I act sympathetic even though internally I think such horrible things, I praise people, and I don’t abandon them because I feel bad. As usually the go-to support system, I would hate to imagine what would happen to them if I left, even though i wish for nothing more than them to go ‘poof’ from my life. This is why I think I actually would be better off alone for the health of everyone. Or better yet I’d be better off with her, my groomer, i find that I always wish my partners were her. I wish the normal adults in my life would behave like she did. I’m NEVER angry with her like I am all these people, I’m incapable of it. she feels so wonderful to me despite the horrors she has seen. Every single day I think about her and I feel such a strange pain inside and I wonder why I couldn’t save the only person I’ve ever actually loved and felt I’d anything for. I’d let her do anything to me (I have). somehow, when I was with her, my anger fizzled out like a light sheen of water on a stove. She was a pedophile yes and she was severely mentally ill snd she coerced me into sexually exploiting myself, but somehow I don’t feel anything about that or what she did because otherwise she made me feel so normal and effortlessly elated. However, whenever I think of the fact she either left me, might be inconsolably depressed and drugged up somewhere, or has overdosed and died while I couldn’t do anything about it ( plus I might not ever see her again), I feel such a painful sucking black hole in my chest that I want to die, scream, thrash, sob, and make it stop through any means necessary. I know if she came back into my life everything would be fixed and the intrusive thoughts would stop, she was perfectly imperfect to me. It’s like I’m filling the void with partners my age. im physically there and doing normal affectionate stuff but mentally, I’m in a perpetual state of chasing her and I’m scared because I know I may always be even when I’m 18, and when I’m 20, provided I don’t find a way to swiftly end my life. I think putting me down is the only god given mercy there is in this comical situation. The only other time I can stop my intrusive thoughts is when I’m trading the sacred parts of my body for the attentions of creepy adults. I don’t even find it hot or interesting, I think it’s so extremely grossly nauseating (I was raised to know better, I denounce this as a practice, i morally disagree with and Id stress the danger of them to others) but it’s a mechanical thing I physically have to do to quiet my brain because I miss her so much. If I resist, I start feeling unlike myself and the resentment builds and the mood swings ensue, and the thoughts of this entire rant consume my attention. it only gets worse with time. I feel like an actual sociopath speaking like this. I know how wrong it is I’m not trying to be edgy, but it’s been like this for years . Whenever I try to talk to a therapist I find my mouth never lets me express the true hideous magnitude of these things because it’s like my brain filters it out until I forget how deplorable it is. I don’t think they’ll understand because the problem is these thoughts and feelings exist at all. It’s unbearable. I don’t care if they don’t represent me, I don’t want to go through the torture of experiencing and resisting them all the time . I wish these people allowed me to die because it’s clearly for the greater good. I promised myself I’d do anything if she stayed. I’d still sell my soul to get her back, I would drop everything and run away, so to me this is the cruelest form of torture of all torture. I don’t understand why I’m so evil or what’s possessed me, or what to do I’ve been fighting since I was very young, I was even hospitalized recently, but it NEVER goes away. 🥹🥹 ohhh what is my life. im so sad that I’m like this at the minuscule age of 16 it makes me feel sick to my stomach