Life Stories and Everyday Drama

hello I'm just here to rant honestly, lately I've been feeling like I wasn't as loved as my siblings...? maybe its only a matter of POV but after hearing things of their childhoods and witnessing my younger sibling's it feels like I was never treated like that, I'm a middle middle child if that helps.

All of them has at least one picture up on our wall and I don't have one that was really specifically just me apparently they lost all my childhood photos but still has my older sibling's?? I know it's stupid im already in my late teens and jealousy is eating me up, they're all talented and smart at whatever they do too, I have multiple hobbies but I wasn't exactly that great at all of them and it just made me feel even worse.

I used to be able to hold in my feelings and emotions but as I grew older I just became more sensitive and everyone noticed, I feel like im just wasting their time and all, they've always been disinterested in me anyways.

I've always found my gifts for them (flowers i found, drawings, origami) in the trash, and it really confused me to see that they still have my sibling's art even if it's just one, was i really that bad? I used to wish i got hit by a car or get sick so they can actually pay attention to me i believe the earliest was by age 6, I can't even communicate with them properly now, I just want myself to be acknowledged not just the lazy, moody, sensitive kid they have including everything I do, I've always pushed myself to atleast have a talent im good at, I've joined many clubs and activities but that's not enough I guess. I've sacrificed sleep for tests to get scores they'd be proud of, nothing.

i think I'm just stupid at this point.

My sibling's felt similarly to what I've felt but it really didn't look that way honestly :( maybe it's just me I'm not sure.

I've been compared to my siblings ever since i grew up by alot of people. i only realized now how lonely i felt as a kid, I never had anyone that close back then and I was just the annoying noisy younger sibling towards my family and distant relatives that are close in age.

I hate whenever they tell me I'm talentless compared to my siblings, they sugarcoat it but I know. They love me, but sometimes I feel like I don't know them and they don't know me.

Sometimes I wish I can have a long deep sleep and forget about everything.

When I was in middle school, I got a guitar as a present. My parents got it for me after I begged for months. I practiced every day, all throughout high school and into college. I loved it. I love music. Music, in general. I didn't have it easy, and music had been such a present and poignant way for me to process my emotions and my experiences. I really, truly loved the idea that I could express myself in such a pure way. In the way my idols had expressed themselves to me. And so I practiced, and I almost got good. I could play Hallelujah almost right, so close to right.

But I am tone deaf. I always have been. And I can't stay on the beat to save my life. I had to play one song over and over again, recording and listening and rerecording. I had to learn each note one at a time and be sure I had it right. I learned how to disregard the sound in my ear and feel the vibration in my jaw. You can feel when that vibration inside matches the sound outside. I had to listen to the song second by second to see if I had the rhythm right and learn where each note lined up. I could almost play well, and I knew I hit notes wrong, but I was proud of that. But it was never what I wanted it to be. And I never got better than I did after a certain point.

I had to take a few years off. I didn't have the time to practice. Maybe once a month. Sometimes less. And now I am trying to get back into it, and I am so much worse than where I was in high school. Every time I play a song I used to know, I am jarred by how much I've lost. I told myself I'd play one song until I got it right again. One song until I could strum and sing at the same time, even if I couldn't do it well. It's been months, and I still can't.

I think it's time to accept it.

I can't keep hurting myself to do something I cannot.

I am from Philippines and I struggle with depression. I'm currently pregnant now, I'm 23 years old. I have finished my studies, I have now a profession, and a regular job. But my parents are disappointed in me by being pregnant because my boyfriend didn't finished his studies yet, he is a graduating student now. I feel depressed. Even I put up with my parents need of money they always see me as if I have committed the greatest sin on them. I don't want to abort this baby, also here in Philippines abortion is illegal. I can't really sleep because it bothers me a lot, I'm 6months pregnant now (25weeks and 2 days) and I'm depressed for everything my parents have made me feel, they told me things, very hurtful things because I am pregnant now

I am so mad at myself for not doing my best and being disappointed.

My mom told me that she dreamed about me where she tries to wake me up but i would not and that moment i tell to myself maybe it's about to happen.

so i just wanna clarify, i'm a minor and i'm not straight. or cis for that matter. i'm a homo in a family of phobics. whatever, my family doesn't support me. and uhh kinda off topic for being gay, but my mom takes all my stuff and goes through all of it, which pisses me the fuck off because if she didn't do that back when i was like 11 i would probably be fine. she went through all of it. messages, school notes, i even found her logged into my school email account. she then confronted me with "why do you say you're a boy? only sa'd people can be queer!" and then that's around the time i got really suicidal and started sh. which is obviously not okay with someone who had just come out of elementary?? and she always says that i learned what being gay was from social media, which is totally bogus because she taught me what that was when i was six! lady wants to blame everything on anything but herself. she also says that when i was little and she used to lock me in the closet it was because i was her first child and she didn't know that was wrong. fuck that shit she was the oldest child in her family and she basically raised my uncle. she never locked him in closets for shit he didn't even do when he was 3. she also thinks my friends are bad influences. sure, some of them have their own issues and addictions and other stuff, but they stopped me from killing myself when my mom didn't even know i wanted to die. she thought i was just a weird kid with weird interests at the time. i dont think it crossed her mind that i was the one who was taking all the pencil sharpeners and stealing the blades. i mean, why else would i have a screwdriver in my room? strange how she wasn't too concerned when i wouldn't go into the pool and wore sweaters all summer. not weird at all. oh! and recently she was telling me how i was pretending to be gay and that i dressed "weird" to impress my friends, and that i wanted to be just like her. first of all, i lost a ton of 'friends' for being gay and for dressing alt. second of all, shes a forty two year old woman. im a teenage loser. i dont wanna be like her at all. i hate her. she always goes to the extreme and expects me to be a little version of her and thinks that im pretending to wanna be a boy. but i DO wanna be boy. i wish i was born a boy. i wanna look like one, sound like one, be treated like i'm a REAL boy. im sick and tired of people treating me like i'm some fragile little creature who's "just confused". it's not a fucking phase i wanna be a boy i hate being called a girl i wish i was born a boy why did i have to be born a girl. and uh yeah. so fun wanting to be a boy and having that struggle of being called a girl on top of shitty classmates and a mom who genuinely makes you wanna relapse every two days.

I know no one can positively tell me how I'm supposed to be feeling or if what I'm feeling correct . Little bit of background about 5 days before Christmas I found out that my nan died and I've been struggling to come to terms with the news but I haven't exactly been overly sad about it but at the same time I have cried a hand full of time and I've had r the pit of guilt in my stomach as on my birthday I should of messaged her to say thank you for my parents but I didn't.

side note I also have ADHD so if you can give me some tip on how to deal with this I would be internally gratefull. and if you can in anyway tell me I'm not in the wrong for feeling the way

I am . 😢

I recently met a guy and got along with him quickly. He is the shy type of guy, who won't send many friend requests to people (he had 9 friends in his friend list in a game) and that didn't really have a real girlfriend. We used to be on call alone with him showing to me his favourite game, Warframe, until I decided to play it (not just because of him, but because I kinda liked the game itself too) and I made a group to play it with him, his friend (who I got along with quickly), a close friend of mine and another friend of mine. For more context, friend 1 has autism and has a lot of mental health issues so I don't want to charge him with more problems to endure because I don't want him to think that another group of friends is going to fall (specially when he is already passing through a hard streak in his life), and friend 2 is the one who I spill all the tea together always, both of us do and we spent a lot of time together.

It wasn't a secret that we both liked each other, but I had some strict limits that I told him, the one in question is that I despise games like Wuwa (hypersexualized type games) and that I wouldn't by any chance date a man that plays those kind of games. As you may have guessed, he plays them. Yesterday they confessed their feelings to me, asked me out, and I told them that if they asked me in person (since we already have plans for them to come soon), I would definitely say yes, that it would be more special that way.

Yesterday we didn't talk much because I wasn't in the best mood, so I went to bed early, and that was it. We said goodnight to each other with the same affectionate way as always (although without chatting for hours over messages like we used to) and that was it. Today, as soon as we woke up, we said good morning to each other as always and that was it. Without saying anything in the group beforehand, he called and his friend answered (so I guess they talked in private about doing it and that was it), and since I told him I was bored, he said I could join (although to be honest, it bothered me a little that he didn't have the courtesy to ask if I wanted to talk to him alone first or tell me to be alone later like we used to, but whatever). Even so, in the middle of the afternoon he sent me a screenshot of that game because of some event they added, to which I responded with an 'ew.' He replied with a sad gif, and I said 'gooner game,' to which he responded again with a sad gif. Then, I said, 'if you already know my opinion about that game and its players, why are you sending it to me?' with a funny gif to lighten the mood, and boom, since then, 6 hours without any response, and it's been 4 hours since he got on to play in a group call.

In fact, while I was finishing writing this, he asked me how I was, and, honestly, I don’t even know what to answer. If he knew that for me that was an intolerable boundary, why did he ask me out, and what response did he expect after sending me that? To add to that, I asked friend 2 if I could tell him this and he hasn’t responded either, even though he went in there to play; it’s a very frustrating situation and I don't know what to think and what to do, so thank you for reading and giving your opinions, to be honest I need it

Well, let me start by saying that I have a pretty small family. It's just me, my mom, my grandpa, and my aunt. I hate her, you know. She's 36, but she acts like a child. She lashes out at all of us, she gets jealous when we get something new, and she thinks we should buy her the same thing. Once she even wished (in front of my mom, her sister) that I would die of cancer (because I have a tumor) just because we upset her somehow, I don't even remember why she was unhappy. She had a boyfriend, but now they've broken up.

And here's the problem — New Year's. For several months, I begged my mom not to celebrate with my aunt, saying that I didn't want to because it wouldn't be a celebration, but just a nightmare. She would be jealous that I got presents, she would be unhappy about everything, she would get drunk, and I just don't want that. But the day before yesterday, when we were celebrating Christmas, she showed up, and my mom is too much of a people pleaser to say no. And now she thinks we're going to celebrate New Year's together. But I DON'T WANT that, and thinking about it makes me want to cry. And I'm telling my mom to do something about it while there's still a chance. Am I a terrible person for this? For not wanting to celebrate with her? I know it will lead to a scandal, but I'm tired of everyone worrying only about her feelings when, I remind you, she is a 36-year-old woman and the fact that she has no one to spend New Year's Eve with is entirely her fault. We shouldn't have to suffer because of it.

So, my question is, do I have the right to demand this? I don't want to compromise, I just want to celebrate with my mom. And at the same time (I know it's just my mental problems, blah blah blah), I feel guilty for not wanting to celebrate, I know. But I know that it will be a 100% ruined holiday.

It's been almost a week since i had strong urge of suicide ideation. I feel worthless and feel like nothing here holds me to stay. I'm not pretty or in anyway good looking, being good at school is the only thing I know and that's the only thing that makes me feel worthy in front of my family acquaintance and relatives without it i am nothing and lately my scores are not doing good it's still passing even higher from average but its not the top like how they assume i will be and there even not just one time but a lot of time that i cheat with a friend because i really struggle in studying and i cant review the notes that i have and i just copy from her. Now I feel really worthless like staying for another day will only make me more miserable.

Hello,

I am currently in university and I am so fucking tired of this shit. My hobbies don’t feel like hobbies; they aren’t fun because I always compare myself to others and wish I was better. I can’t stop comparing myself to others, I am plagued by my past mistakes and actions that I have done. It’s an endless struggle of self worth and image.

For reference, I got diagnosed with autism this semester, and a lot of struggles that I faced make a lot of sense. I struggle with rage and meltdowns, and a lot of apathy. There are times where I wonder if doing anything is worth it. I want to be creative but I get burnt out so easily and won’t do anything creative for months. It’s horrible.

My self image is at rock bottom. I can’t help but worry about what I eat, and how many calories it is. I constantly worry about being fat. For context, I have never been skinny but I have never been fat either. I powerlift now and am pretty buff (I like looking masculine because I am afab nonbinary). But I still can’t help but body check and wish that I was more lean so that my muscles would be more defined. I hate, hate my body, and I hate my breasts. They aren’t that big, maybe a B, but I fucking hate them so fucking much.

People say that exercising helps with mental health. I’ve been an athlete my whole life and it seems like every year my mental health just gets worse.

And I feel so fucking ungrateful for everything. I feel like a brat because I should appreciate this life that I have been granted, but my brain pretty much only focuses on the negative.

I guess I just want to know if there is any way to relieve this pain, this emptiness that I feel when I am driving home after a long day and I want to cry but I can’t. Or if it just gets worse after university.

Hi, I’m a non-binary 20 year old and I go to a Christian university (not my choosing but I get a really good scholarship there). I am also on the school’s powerlifting team. I am a biological female, but it fucking sucks to be in an environment where you have to shove yourself into a box to be excepted by others. Being perceived to others as female is so uncomfortable for me. And my teammates think in a very binary way, it’s horrible for someone like me. I’m not seen as who I am, but a woman first above all else.

Some of my teammates have been good to me, but they don’t know my identity. They are all basically Bible thumpers and I feel so out of place. I’ve never told anyone on my team what my identity is, but I dress very gay, so I’m sure some of them might feel iffy about me. I am so scared about being outed, because I have no idea how they will react. I’ve heard the way some of them talk about LGBTQ+ stuff, and it ain’t looking too good for me folks. Am I cooked? Any other athletes who relate to this? I feel so fucking alone in this.

As a side note, I am not attacking Christianity, I just dislike how some Christians act hateful when the Bible says to do the opposite.

I'm quite a sensitive person, I saw this video where this guy with his family, spread his mom's ashes into the lake and it spelled out "love" idk why but I started crying, even now, I'm tearing up. I think that's how my sadness started today. I feel ugly but not super ugly, I don't have a boyfriend, I have one online friend but we don't talk much, I have other online friends but those guys are trying to get with me or just being odd. I think I just need a boyfriend. I think I just need a hug or someone genuine to hang out with. I made a new online friend today but it feels fake. It all feels fake, I only talk to my friends when I'm in a good mood or just try my best to be friendly and all but during my worst moments, I don't have anyone. Who would love me or like me like this? I'm not supposed to burden them with this. I also feel insane. Maybe I'm just undiagnosed or something, idk.

All the time i always do my best to reach out and build connections with people. But most of it i just got ignored until one dah i reached the point where i’m so dont with building the connection with people and suddenly people think i am the bad one for not initiating things and reach out first? Like i’m jusy so tired and honestly gave up with interpersonal relationships

Right off the bat, I'll say that I absolutely recognize that I'm delusional and that a lot of this is just my paranoia fueled, nihilistic psychosis but I think I'm genuinely losing it and I'd like to know if anyone has anything to say that could help. Also sry there's no category to tag this with lol.

Ever since I was younger I've been weird and autistic, but for the TLDR I've just never made any close connections with anybody until last year, which went exceedingly badly. I don't speak with my mother, and rarely speak with my family. I might have DID but I've always felt unsure and self-conscious about it/saying it because I don't think I meet the DSM5 criteria for it(no dissociative amnesia), but we basically speak to eachother every night and ever since I was 14 I don't think we've ever referred to eachother as the same person. I think we get along really well and so at points I can't tell who's me and who's her but I don't mind all that much because she's nice. After the 'aforementioned events' of last year we had a psychotic break where she lost her only real friend and I kinda gave up on life. I was able to rediscover a reason to live and wrote down a "rulebook" on the meaning of life, and she was able to accept that giving up on her friend wouldn't inherently mean that she was a bad person or that she desrved to die on the condition that we were both being decieved by a secret evil organization that wanted to control us both by having her kill herself before I could destroy the current world order. This worked for awhile until I discovered "the curse" and she realized that she was just mentally unwell and ended up pushing her only friend away with her desperation which was a lot harder to cope with. "The curse" is my word for a rule that says that most humans will choose to live in an irrational world over a rational world because for most, irrationality doesn't interfere with their ability to live their lives.

This essentially means that I can't pursue the meaning of life which I was able to deduce because whether I'm correct or not, any rational explaination for why I should live will automatically be thrown out by most of the population. My other self seems to be okay now that we've both accepted that we'll still be there for eachother, but in my case I think I'm the version who can't live without reason. I hate this world and I've always wanted to either change it or die trying, but idk I'm just tired and that seems like a lot of effort. I've been letting my other self take the wheel a little more lately. I want her to be happy but I frankly don't care about myself, I don't really remember who I am or what had made life worth living until now but I don't feel like it matters. I've had other versions of myself die before and it's always messed me up. I don't want to leave but I'm not exactly doing anything here. It's just inefficient and it's illogical to try to be logical about everything anyway so there's no need for me to exist. Not in imminent danger cuz I have an "if all else fails" suicide date set 9 years into the future so I'm probably good until then but idk.

Don't exactly know what I'm asking for, but if anyone has any advice, I'd appeciate it.

Merry Christmas everyone! ❤️🥰