Life Stories and Everyday Drama

for everyone who has job not related to their college program, how did you do it?

I feel like I'm the floating friend yknow? Like in my friend everyone has their own best friend someone who just clicks with them but I feel like I don't have that someone that I confide in. I'm always the first person to chat in the group chat when I want to hang out, most of them only text me when they need help and I feel left out most of the time. I don't know if I'm being irrational or not. I don't think I can talk to them about it tho, I feel like it will cause conflict.

Ok so currently on my second yr of highschool and idk man 😭 like I kinda want to take a gap yr after graduation to just work but like everyone’s saying stuff about the job market, like just imagine how it may be 1-2yrs from now. And I barely have experience 💔 and with post secondary school, IDONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO THERE ICL. I was kinda thinking of freelance graphic designer (specifically like notes/book designs) but like whst if ai takes over, and rn my digital designs aren’t really good:( well I do remember seeing smt like if it’s like physical ai isn’t taking it but what r some physical jobs that aren’t male- dominated. Ok so again about post secondary like WHAT IS SAFE OUT THERE??? Honestly coporate jobs sound nice can someone get into it w/o a degree?? What other careers can u do w/o a degreeeee??

Soo from how u have lived. What do you think a 16 yr old should know? Or in the process of knowing?? Or like matured from??

[TW: Mentions of Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, Harassment and Politics.]

Hi. I'm an artist and aspiring author with a lot on my plate, so I'll cut to the chase; I'm angry, lost, frustrated, and I don't know what the hell do to with myself anymore.

I graduated high school right when Covid struck years ago, I never had a proper graduation and lost the chance to go on a class field trip to Paris. That was about the last time I saw most of my real life friends and former classmates until I moved further away in the state I live in. Since then, I've tried making a few connections online, and it went well for a good while, even allowing myself to earn a bit of a reputation as a former online creator who posted art and made videos.

After high school and my so-called "graduation", I took college courses online, since I had no other choice with Covid running rampant, and got a degree in graphic design. I had just entered my early 20s and I didn't know where to look in terms of a career at the time (I didn't even have experience with a part time job), and fear that I may have taken too long with AI taking over the world, art and writing jobs especially (should be noted that I absolutely despise AI by the way).

Around the same time, my grandmother had been living with my family and I, and due to internal turmoil involving herself and my father, she snapped one day and was packing her things to leave, suddenly threatening to abuse me and send me to prison (for no reason) right in front of my youngest sister as she was leaving. She had never reached out to apologize. but instead sent gifts and letters to both my father and youngest sister, which speaks volumes about how she feels.

Not too long ago, I since cut ties with a long-standing online friend group because of my own mistakes that I made years ago. Mistakes that I was never directly told about until the moment everything went wrong. For the longest time I was under the impression that our past mistakes (from both myself and my ex-friends) were water under the bridge since we were getting along so well at the time, only to find out they had been keeping the truth from me and allegedly pretended to stay friends with me for several months (their words directly as we were cutting ties) before we separated. To my own fault, I hadn't been on my best behavior around the time either.

I felt lost for a year, and even now I still do. I've since gone to therapy for a year, have done everything I could to help support my family, returned to college (in person, for the first time since Covid hit) to take classes towards an IT based degree and made new friends both online and on campus at college thanks to common interests.

But now, I feel lost and overwhelmed. This one's a doozy.

My college work, specifically the IT material I have to study, has become too much to handle at times.

The country I live in is practically in shambles and falling apart no thanks to the government or the controversial president that both of my parents had voted for, with seemingly no hope for a livable future in my current condition.

My therapist could no longer provide for me due to an error on their part with the therapy providing company, resulting in me debating on whether I want to move on with my mental health or completely start over from scratch with a new therapist who knows nothing about me.

My ex-friends (I heavily assume) kept a hold of my old phone number and address when we were close, and have been using both to continuously harass and remind me of my past mistakes even after blocking multiple phone numbers, going so far as to attempt to doxx my location and taunt me on the recently popular wplace website.

My parents got divorced, leaving me with even more responsibilities after nearly having our current home sold to find a new one for the remainder of our family.

My current workplace (which is fine in general) unnecessarily stresses me out from time to time despite being a form of escape from both home and schoolwork.

And AI is, unfortunately, continuing to grow for whatever reason, taking away even more job opportunities in the creative sphere that I could've found and applied for if I took the chance after getting my graphic design years ago.

All this to say, I'm tired, stressed out, low-key depressed and have contemplated either disappearing or killing myself numerous times. But I haven't.

Despite me voicing these similar concerns to my own mother, she always assures me that I'll be just fine, but I find that hard to believe. I don't know what my future holds for me, or if I'll even have a future at all. I still love drawing and writing, and am even working on a Lord of the Rings-style fantasy novel that I'm hoping to publish one day, but the continuous push for AI to be the norm (despite sometimes motivating me to do better in my own work) is simultaneously bringing me down with how much the slop it creates is being accepted compared to human works, art and writing alike.

My pursuit for a better paying career (since most art and writing jobs nowadays simply don't pay a livable wage for whatever reason) has been stressful, and trying to learn IT in college through strenuous book reading, extensive memorization and less-than stellar exam scores has only been pushing me away from the career path than motivate me. It's not what I wanted to do. Creating things with art and writing is what I want to do, and it's unfair that wanting to be creative in this way is an extremely difficult way to live in comparison.

Even though the thoughts of suicide linger every now and then, I never feel the urge to physically do anything about it. Despite everything, I still love my family and want to be around to help them in any way I can. I can barely imagine how they'd react if they found out I was gone in any way. I also want to continue making an impact on the world with my works, past mistakes aside, and create both art and literature that people can enjoy and possibly find inspiration from, knowing I didn't give up when everything was difficult in my own life.

Which leaves me in a sort of limbo, to be perfectly honest. I really don't know what to do with myself, or how I can pick myself up from feeling down about life all the time, and continue existing like everything's fine.

Any help or advice, while not required by any means, would be greatly appreciated. Even reading through this means a lot to me.

Um so basically my issue is that I just don't know what's wrong with me anymore. And every day that goes by, I feel more and more ready and sure that I don't want to be here anymore. And every single day I wake up and suicide is the only thing that I think of. It's the only thing in my mind. And I've thought of every possibility and every scenario. And the aftermath and the preparations. But I just, I can't bring myself to do it. Because I'm a coward. And I'm just scared of what would happen if I did actually succeed. And the truth is, I don't even know if I want to die. But I know that I would rather die instead of living this life that I don't want. And nobody knows about this. Not even my therapist or my closest friends. But I just wish they'd see the signs because I don't understand anymore. Because I always joke about it. I'm depressed. I've been depressed for the past few months. And I tried to open up to my mom about it and she thought it was a joke. And I'm too scared to tell my therapist because I don't want to get locked up in a mental institution. And I just don't know what to do anymore. Because tomorrow I just have to be back at school with a smile on my face. And nobody, nobody ever knows. And the first thing that I say when somebody asks if anything is up with me is say no, I'm okay. And this isn't like there's so many other things. How I've been starving myself because of my anxiety. I've lost all of my appetite. I do not eat anything at school for eight hours. Only gum and energy drinks. I've been smoking a lot. And then when I come home I barely eat any dinner. And then I just go to bed again. And I'm just so fat and ugly. I genuinely just can't even picture my future. I'm so pathetic and ugly and fat and worthless and literally such a burden to anybody. I'm a burden to even my own mom. So, I don't know, I just had to get this out. Hoping that maybe somebody would see this. Not because I hope somebody relates because I don't wish this upon anyone. So just know, if you relate to this, you matter.

like wdym I'm already wishing it was tomorrow so I can see him again like I mean yeah we talk online but its not the same like ykwim and now I just wish it was tomorrow so I can see him again

Do you ever feel like really, really sad when thinking about your childhood friends? Like as if they were actually gone forever? Like gone gone? Because yeah, they're still here, i Guess. But I miss when they were small and their biggest Flex was a well taken care of cat. I miss when i was always at their house and we would play with mud and try to cook instead of doing homework. I miss when were together so much that people thought we were related and they didn't look at me with disgust. It really hurts to look back now, when i told them i was worried we were growing apart and realizing i was right. It wasn't even a sudden thing either. I could feel and see that my friends were slowly leaving me. And i know It was inevitable but i miss when they were small and nice and friendly and openly kind. I miss my friends. And It hurts to know that i'll never have that kind of connections again.

so like there's this kid and theyre like my best friend right so they're telling me about someone they like and I really don't know how to feel cuz like I mean I'm not mad they like someone else, not really upset at all cuz good for them and all that, its just bittersweet if that makes sense

ts pmo

if you saw this no you literally didn't hashtag I'm brainwashing you

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

yeah

idk know how to like

say this

without making it like

obvious

who its about

anyway

so like

it took me until like five minutes ago to figure this out

but I mean knowing me I've prob just been like

avoiding my feelings

for this long

bc like

what if they don't feel the same

like why is this what I'm thinking of

when I should be like

doing my work

like

why are they 99% of what I think of now

help me I'm going insane

*sobs*

and then like

what do I do with

with these like

these feelings

I don't wanna like

upset anyone

what do I do

ALSO HEY YOU (you know who you are) UHHHHHH YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS NUH UH UM ITS UHH THIS IS ABOUT ONE OF MY THEATRE FRIENDS TOTALLY HEH UM yeah...

IK EEP FUMBLING WHEN TALKING GRHRHRHHHGHGH GHGHHHHHHHH TS PMO WE'RE LIKE COLLEAGUES OR COWORKERS AND PEERS AND FRIENDS AND SCHOOLMATES AND LIKE I CANT EVEN TALK TO BRO IM GONNA CRASH OUT

so their is a boy in my year and I've tried to be nice to him but he hates me for a mistake I made years ago ( I think maybe 3) and he is rude and tosses me around, now I have had a weird feeling it feels like crying but I stop breathing and my heart goes way to fast he worked with a main bully lets call him Osman he made me think I was horrible

also sorry I wont use punctuation

he told me I was a failure

I'm a weak trusting person

so all over the years people have left me or bullied me. because I have little things of skill

I am male btw its important because im friends with some girls all my male friends left so now people say I'm trans ( which is fine btw its just my school is homophobic) so I change my personality a lot too fit others but I'm still hated

and so everyone hates me bc I'm weird

so the bully Osman he comes gets a major which is the biggest problem 3 = expulsore basically

'so I remove that now he's nice to me but the other bully isn't he tosses my books around hurts me and its fine I tell a trusted adult

who is kind now today

the bully and osman I accidently sent his birthday invite to the year bellow us and that was a mistake I didn't mean it he didn't he attacked me and I ran of my friends ran to me saying they were hunting me down they had snithced to the trusted kind adult who new the bully was bullying me

Osman who after a year were friends with me betrayed me

and the teacher told me I did stuff wrong and to rub salt in the wound after knowing

the bully had

- nearly tossed my chromebook out the window which would have cost me to pay the school 700

- attacked me for years

- bullied me for years

- made me have self loathing for years

she called him a nice boy

I feel as if my artistic vibe and energy is going, for drawing? I'm focusing on a doll, but I don't even draw a bit now. I only drew for school projects, a friend, and now for a poster, but not personal reasons like earlier, and I'm working on a doll of mine. What's happening? And for 3 months earlier I stopped drawing at all, and rarely did it, so what's happening? Am I losing my ability? Am I losing interest in the one thing I was good at? Am I gonna end up like my dad who's jaded with art and now he's into speakers and more on work? Is my imagination gonna go away, just like dad says his went away? Am I just gonna become as jaded as an adult, and not like anything creative? I'm only creating a doll! It's not drawing, it's just a doll! With eye's I made which look weird! If I had UV resin, a silicone mold, and decal pupils, it would've ended up better, but I used clay and paint, and it looks so weird. Man, I'm not even good at the new thing. And when I sealed her face paint with liquid glue because I didn't have varnish, it looked fine, but near her mouth she had open spaces and it looked like pimple scarring...it was a plastic doll from the stores, since I can't find even the doll the main artists use in my area (Monster High) and when I do it's too expensive, and the head was some material (vinyl). Maybe I'll just ditch the doll and become an adult with 0 imagination. I may be doing the wig, but it's trash. I don't even have all the hair colors. Isn't growing up just realizing that these hobbies won't help you in the future, and that no adult does art. No serious adult does that, they do taxes, work 9-7 (where I live), hunch their backs, binge coffee, reminisce about their wasted life, marry their spouse out of obligation and same with kids, drink beer, smoke, work on a computer job, argue. I guess in India Out 2, Joy is right, she's right when she says, "I guess when you grow up, you feel less joy." Heck, even my dad's only hobby is speakers, but even then he says he lost interest in his art and just focused on work. And all I see him is slog, have neck pain and shoulder pain and, drink coffee, yell with colleagues, and sleep. And if this is adult joy, I won't hesitate to kill myself at 18, because we all have the same ending, death. I'm just saying, suicide is justified, don't we all die at some point? And if you have any ideas, wanna help me smoothly do it so at least it doesn't hurt?

Im about to graduate highschool and so of course I constantly get asked "what are you doing to do next". And somehow i manage to talk about my future in a way that I even start to believe i have it figured out. But as soon as the conversation ends I realize that i really dont have my shit together. I thought I had it all planned out, ill get an apprenticeship, go to college for the course ill need to move up in my field, make better money, and all will be good. But as much as I talk about it i cant figure out where to start, I know what i should do but i dont know how to do it, i get stuck in a loop of thinking I know what im doing and then have it hit me that i have no clue where i am. Im not stupid, i can do well in school, infact ive been keeping my grades high 80s and 90s but my last year was rough and its going to make it hard for me to get into a good school with those stains on my transcript, I dont know how to start but i know i have too soon. If i can get this figured out eventually im going to make a book to tell people what to expect, because i can only wish i had a book to guide me through all of this now. I will figure it out, even though i feel like i cant right now. I just wish i was actually as organized as i make people believe i am.

I'm 13, and I get periods. They hurt sometimes but they tell me I'm fine. I've had them when I was 9, which is pretty early for some reason. I've got bad days, okay days, and days where for some reason my pubic regions hurt, not my abdomen. I've never taken painkillers for this since hey, I could at least manage for a while. When it's too much, sitting down somewhere helps and hot showers too. But some women don't like it, and hate it so much they take birth control, or they feel proud and celebrate when they hit menopause maybe at 45. So does that mean I should do what they do for whatever reason, like gender dysphoria, they don't wanna get pregnant, it hurts too much or sensory issues? They do it for all the reasons, even when I don't get them. Maybe I'll get them later when I'm older. Should I Take birth control, have an IUD, maybe arm implant, or a hysterectomy, or maybe get early menopause. They all do it, and I feel like I'm missing out. All adults I see do that, and woman said, "I'm glad I got menopause. It's not as bad as people say it is! I absolutely hated the cramps and sensory issues, so this was amazing." Are my periods bad? A lot of them make it seem like this scary, looming danger that will and WILL hurt me.