Life Stories and Everyday Drama

i have been sh free for four years and that ended today. but today i realized almost everyday for the past four years ive thought about sh or wanting to kms but i just convinced myself that the depression diagnoisis is wrong and that im happy and content with my life when everything has been wrong. everyday i wake up and wish i died in my sleep or driving to school in a car crash or maybe something would fall on me or i would just be unlucky and fall through a floor or something. ive never told this to anyone ever. my world has been crashing down on me this year i hate me i hate college apps i hate life and school and everything. i am confused and sad and tired. help

[Translated from Ukrainian. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

I stayed silent about this for a long time. A very long time. But, apparently, the time has finally come to tell the truth. Not polished, not “neat,” but real.

These two years of my relationship were not just a difficult period for me. They were two years that broke me morally, emotionally, and psychologically. And I know that many people do not even realize just how deeply.

It all started beautifully. Truly beautifully. It was happiness, joy, teenage passion, the feeling that I was needed, loved, chosen. I believed in him. I believed in us. I believed that if a person looked at you a certain way, said certain words, promised certain things, then it was not for nothing. Back then I really did love, and I gave myself sincerely.

Then I got pregnant. And from that moment, a completely different reality began.

It was not just shock. It was fear, guilt, panic, an inner rupture.

The choice of whether to keep or get rid of the child. And at the same time, his pleading to keep the baby. His words that he would stay by my side. That he would do everything for us. That he would not leave. That he would handle it. That I would not be alone. That he would be a man, a father, a support.

I believed him.

And then reality began to completely destroy me. His broken promises, betrayals, lies, screenshots of messages, unfamiliar girls in our home, while I was in labor, when I was in my most vulnerable state and was texting him about how scared and how much pain I was in. Every new betrayal tore me to pieces, every lie was another blow to my psyche.

Financial dependence was finishing me off in its own way. When you are morally exhausted, with a child who needs constant attention, and you realize that your stability depends on a person who keeps hurting you, it is a trap. You live in constant fear and tension. The fear of his outbursts of aggression, of broken things, haunted me all the time.

Taking care of the child also became a heavy burden. Because of stress, I lost my milk at six months. I felt guilt, confusion, and despair, because I wanted to give my child everything, and I could not. That only added even more inner tension and a sense of helplessness.

My inner world was collapsing. Questions kept spinning in my head: “Why am I alive?” “Maybe it would be better if I were gone?” And these were not just sad thoughts. It was the scream of a psyche that could no longer endure it.

Self-harm became a way to survive. At first it was pulling out my hair, then a failed suicide attempt, then cutting. It was despair, a scream inside myself, an attempt to let out pain that could not find a way out. And it was a real, honest feeling that shows just how deeply broken I was.

And the worst part was that in those moments there was no one who could fully accept me. I wrote to ChatGPT. It was the only way to speak out, to pour out all the brokenness, fear, betrayal, despair, nervous breakdowns, financial dependence, fear of explosions and aggression. I wrote to it when I did not know where to put all this pain, when I wanted to simply stop the whole world and feel nothing.

Every day was a battle. Every minute was a test. I was fighting him, the fear, myself, my own emotions. I was losing peace, health, inner safety. I looked at the world through stress and a constant sense of danger.

Many times I waited, many times I forgave, many times I hoped he would change. But reality was merciless. And it was not because I was “not enough.” It was because not everything can be endured, even if you give a person everything.

Now the situation feels like it is on the verge of ending. I do not know exactly what stage the relationship is in, but I feel that the end is near. And that brings both fear and relief at the same time.

These two years taught me an unbelievable amount: about myself, about pain, about boundaries, about my own strength. I understood that even among fear, betrayals, financial dependence, stress, and self-harm, it is possible to preserve yourself. And I am holding on, because I know: I will be able to live on, even after everything that happened.

P.S.

“Teenage passion” — because it started when I was 15.

I got pregnant at 16.

I gave birth just before turning 17.

I will be 18 soon.

And the scariest thing in this story is that all of this was lived through not by a grown woman.

But by me — a child.

im 17 and a guy and honestly i dont like myself at all. not in the fake sad way people post for attention either, i mean i legit look at myself and feel pissed off. every morning before school i already feel annoyed cause i know its gonna be the same stupid day again. i wake up tired, stare at my face in the mirror, and it just starts there. my hair never sits right, my skin looks like crap, my eyes always look dead, and even when i try to fix it i still look like some awkward dumbass who got dressed in the dark. then i go to school and it gets worse cause i feel weird around everybody. dudes in my class joke around like its easy, they know how to talk, how to be loud, how to not care. i stand there thinking too much about where to put my hands like some idiot. teachers talk to me like im either lazy or broken, maybe both. i got this math teacher who always says “you need to apply yourself” and i swear i wanna tell him to shut up cause maybe i would if i didnt feel like garbage every second. last week he asked me to solve something on the board and i just froze. like full blank brain. people laughed, not even loud, that worse quiet laugh where they look at each other. i went back to my seat feeling hot in the face and trying not to look like i cared, but i did care, a lot. thats the thing. everything gets stuck in my head for hours. one dumb moment and i keep replaying it all day like my brain is trying to beat the crap out of me. you ever hate yourself so much that even normal stuff feels personal. like somebody bump into you in the hall and suddenly you feel like yeah of course, even the hallway knows im a loser.

school is hell mostly because i cant stop comparing myself to everybody and i always lose. there this one dude in my grade, not even trying hard, gets good marks, girls talk to him, teachers like him, and im sitting there with a half dead pen and a backpack full of crumpled papers smelling like old lunch. i tried to do better this year, i really did. bought a notebook, made a schedule, told myself “stop being a useless piece of crap and fix it.” lasted maybe 4 days. then i missed one homework, then two, then i stopped opening the school app cause i didnt wanna see more missing work. my mom keeps asking why im “so moody” and i say im just tired, but really i dont even know how to explain this without sounding pathetic. its like i got no solid version of myself. at school im too quiet so people think im stuck up or weird. at home im angry for no reason and slam doors then feel like trash after. one time in english class we had to read our writing out loud and mine was about some random movie cause i didnt wanna say anything real. this girl behind me whispered “he always sounds like hes about to cry” and bro, that messed me up way more then it should of. i laughed like i didnt hear it, but i heard every damn word. after class i went to the bathroom and just stood in a stall doing nothing cause i knew if i looked at my face id wanna punch the mirror. i dont even have some huge tragic backstory, thats what makes me feel more stupid. nobody beat me up, nobody ruined my whole life, im just me and i cant stand me. my voice sounds annoying, my body feels wrong, my thoughts are ugly, and im sick of pretending im gonna magically become one of those chill people who just “gain confidence.” how. seriously how? people say be yourself like thats some good advice, but what if yourself is the exact problem 😒

and yeah i know some people got it worse, i know that already, so dont start with that crap. knowing other people suffer dont suddenly make me like my own face or fix the knot in my chest every time i walk into class. i hate how insecure i am. i hate how i can remember one embarassing thing from 3 years ago more clearly then anything useful for a test. i hate that i want people to like me while also wanting everybody to leave me the hell alone. my friends, if i can even call them that, make jokes and i laugh along, but half the time i go home wondering if they actually think im annoying. probably. i talk too little until i talk too much, then i replay that too. a few days ago at lunch i dropped my drink all over the floor, and it wasnt even some giant scene, but i felt my stomach drop like i wanted to disappear. i mumbled sorry to the lunch lady and she was nice about it, which somehow made it worse. when people are nice to me i dont feel better, i feel exposed, like they can tell im barely holding my crap together. i keep thinking maybe if i got better grades, or looked better, or was funnier, or stronger, or less weird, then maybe i wouldnt hate myself this much. but then i also think maybe im just built wrong from the start. thats the ugly truth. i dont like being me. not my head, not my habits, not the way i fold under pressure, not the way i act tough and then go home and overthink every stupid thing. and the worst part is i still gotta wake up tomorrow and drag this same self back to school again like im forced to carry around a person i cant stand. so yeah, thats it. i don't like myself. does anybody else feel that nasty kind of hate where you cant even escape it cause its literally your own damn head every single day.

My family is messed up. We weren’t the perfect family but we loved each other, we supported each other however everything went downhill when my father lost his job unfairly a while ago. Since then there has been constant fights, our relatives cornered us because we don’t really have any “importance” anymore. And to make matters worse our dad cheated on our mom! He swore on us that he would never do that ever again but 8 months later, me and my sibling caught him doing it again! How wonderful.

My mom can’t even divorce him and leave because my mom never really got to finish her university education and does not have the financial stability. Me and my younger sibling are still students thus we are still UPSETTINGLY dependent on him, even though I do part time jobs it can’t ever be enough to cover up the costs.

I don’t understand, he says we don’t give him time but we try despite our busy schedule as students. I have to manage scholarships + 2 tuitions + my own studies together which barely gives me time to sleep but I still try to be there for them, all of my siblings do and so does my mom. But it is never enough for him. He is a good dad but god I don’t even want to keep connections with him after I leave this household.

I feel hopeless at this point, I wish I could run away with my siblings to a happier place away from my family nonsense. I genuinely wish my parents never got married and had us, sometimes it feels like it’s making everyone miserable.

my best friend and I naturally drifted when we went to different universities. I love her sm, and we once thought we liked each other? dated for maybe a week before realising our feelings were platonic. she got a boyfriend now, and I'm happy for her but it also stings to no longer be her closest person, like she is to me.

also makes me feel so jealous. I'm so ugly and no one has ever shown romantic interest in me. I want a partner so bad, but it feels like nobody wants me. and I understand that without working on myself, a partner won't heal me, but it wouldn't kill for someone to make me feel loved :(

my group of friends has me, my bestie, one couple and another person who's across the country still studying. without telling us, my bestie, her bf and the couple planned a double date in London (I don't study in London, they do).

when I heard, a few weeks ago, I was kinda confused and wondered if I could join. my bestie said 'ofc!!' so I thought nothing of it. then she only asks me day of (yesterday), early in the morning when she knows I'm never awake if I wanted to join. she said she wasn't sure if I was back in London, but I told her on Sunday that I was. I didn't see her message til 12, by that point it's too late, so I declined.

I guess I also didn't want to intrude. they made plans without me, but I really wasn't sure if it was because of the double date aspect, or if she really forgot I would be in London. and I responded in a way that wouldn't make her feel bad.

I put our conversation below to show.

I guess I left it at that, I tried not to think about it so it wouldn't bother me. then today, I saw their tiktoks and posts together and I just started bawling. I feel so unloved, like I'm so insecure. I know it wasn't on purpose but I've never felt left out with my group, and now I do. like I know it was a double date but like, we r a group?? why would it have been so bad to invite me?

it's already been a shitty day, with me remembering how terrible my childhood was. I was constantly bullied for my weight, and my looks, and even when I became anorexic and became underweight, nobody seemed to be attracted to me. I think a lot of this is just stemming from my own insecurities but I've been feeling this way for a long time that I've sjust been stuck in it.

I don't hold it against them, I'm just so deep in self hatred since childhood that I'm taking this so personally and idk what to do. :((( it just feels like this safe group of people, the ones that never made me feel insecure, is slowly breaking due to distance and other relationships. and it hurts, it hurts to see everyone around you find someone, and yet nobody has ever expressed attraction to you. it hurts so bad. I really just hate myself so much.

sorry it's so long.

I'm 15 (almost 16) and it's been years that I see the same pattern going on with my dad. Whenever I ask for something I have to earn it, even if it's going out with friends, and as soon as he doesn't like something he will start threatening about not permitting me to do it anymore. An example is that I have been asking to go to a concert of a singer I like and after a while they finally said yes and as soon as they said yes he's been threatening to send back the ticket if he feels like I didn't study enough or that I could be disrespecting him (to him disrespect is even only raising my voice a little, huffing or not hearing him or answering immediately when he calls me). It feels like for one nice thing I get I also have to get a thousand bad ones. I searched online and it says that it's like manipulation or emotional abuse. Also tbh I'm like less excited about the concert (which would've been my first one ever) now that I'm getting threatened for every single thing and I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't have asked at all even though I literally just got it.

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. Everyday literally, I feel annoyed, frustrated and angry. Now I do think the depo shot plays a huge role in my moods. But I also think it’s the life/people around me. I need to get rid of people, and situations I feel like in order to fully grow and prosper. I feel like everyone comes to me for their problems, and I hve helped and fixed so many.. with a huge pile of my own. No one is there for me the way I am, emotionally, or financially. I have endometriosis & have to take depo to stabilize my pain etc. but I do wish I can get off of it just to help me a little. My girlfriend hasn’t worked in idk how long. For a while now I have been paying every single bill plus all life expenses. Plus my own debts and tickets etc just everything. I’m overwhelmed! I express my financial struggles and just my stress to my partner and it seems like she doesn’t even listen or hear me. I have been raising my 6 year old nephew for 2 years now, because my sister just doesn’t have an interest in being a mom. She ignores him and doesn’t tend to him at all, stays on the phone all day and just rather party and drink and be outside. I took him in, then later had to take her in because she was in a domestic situation. Now I’m stuck with her, and feeling like I have 3 kids not just one. Even with her present, she still doesn’t play her role at all!!!! I do it all, from feeding him, to buying everything he needs even with her working full time, to just taking care of him overall as a whole. Then my gf I feel like just thinks I’m rich. It’s like in her head I ALWAYSSS have money. Someway somehow she just thinks always that I have somethingggg even if it’s 5$. And she has gotten so comfortable just using my card and money. I feel like she just sets me back in life and makes me back track and tbh I feel like with everyone around me, if they leave and I can be alone for a while I will flourish 10xs harder! My gf has put me in so many bad financial situations, causing me debt etc. on top of years of her talking to other woman etc. now I’m over everything and just disgusted with everyone. I stayed with her cus love. I have attachment issues. And honestly I’m just comfortable with her. It when she’s around all I feel is anger and resentment. Then her back tracking me no matter how much I say what’s going on with money etc she still doesn’t care. I’m so drained mentally and emotionally and physically by everyone around me.

yo, listen up, i'm just about fed up with this bullshit, man. i'm 25, right? good ol' quarter of a century and here i am, still living in my mom's basement. can't even get a damn job. fuck ai, bro. they keep saying how ai is the future and it's making our lives easier, blah, blah, blah. you know what? that's just a load of crap. i graduated, and all these companies are out here drooling over ai, replacing human workers like we're nothing. it's like, why even bother going to college, ya know? i'm racking up student loans, but for what? to be tossed aside by some piece of code? screw that.

i mean, let's be real here, ai is everywhere now. it's in our phones, in our homes, hell, it's even driving cars now! and while all these tech geeks are creaming their pants over it, folks like me can't catch a break. i apply for jobs left and right, scrolling through endless listings, and all i see is "experience with ai required," or "ai proficiency preferred." i ain't no tech wizard! i'm just a regular dude trying to get by. but no, all these companies want to invest in some shiny new robot that they don't even have to pay or give health benefits. yeah, real smart, isn't it? replacing real people with soulless, emotionless machines.

and don't even get me started on those automated recruitment processes. you think going through stacks of resumes would be a thing of the past. but nah, now i gotta deal with ai screening my application before it even hits a human's desk. yeah, that's right, good ol' mr. ai has decided i don't fit the criteria for half the jobs i apply for. excuse me, but how does a program with zero understanding of values, culture, or passion get to decide if i'm worthy of a job? i ain't saying i'm some kind of genius or anything, but damn, at least give a guy a fair shot. these algorithms they use are as biased as can be, and yet no one's calling them out. everyone's just nodding along like it's the new gospel or something.

what happened to the days when you could walk into an office, shake a hand, have a conversation, and get hired because they like you, they see potential in you? nah, now it's all about ticking the right boxes and having the right buzzwords on your resume. i get it, times are changing, gotta adapt and all that jazz, but it's no fun when you're left scrambling to keep up with this never-ending rat race. maybe i'll go back to school and get that "desired" ai proficiency or start networking with the right peeps, but damn, it feels like a losing battle sometimes. so, i ask you, reader, in this age of ai, where does a guy like me fit in?

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkk AI, fuuuuuck!!!!!!!

I'm (16M) and i'm at my saddest but also happiest, it kind of feels like it switches you know? my first year of college is coming to an end this summer and i still haven't made any friends, it's hard seeing my classmates get along well. Everyone has their own little group or friend they sit with but i always sit alone. At lunch, in class. that type of stuff. In high school i still had people to talk with during classes and lunch. and i really miss that. I have online friends. but i really only have one person i talk with one on one where we can let out hearts out. But she hasn't really replied in 3 weeks or so. I believe she's taking her time off, she just got in a new school has a boyfriend now and i'm so happy for her because she deserves all the love in the universe.

I feel lonely. And i have a hard time admiting that, i usually talk to people in group settings. but then i see them post each other, having matching pfps for example. that sort of things, and im glad for them. I really am. I just wonder why i can't have that too, why can't i have that? why can't i have someone to laugh with. Someone who wants to hang out with me? I have 2 friends in real life maybe. But they don't always feel like it, they talk about things they told eachother around me and then act annoyed when i ask what they are talking about. They make jokes i don't like, hit me playfully even tho i tell them stop. I don't hang with them a lot i guess. I Just envy the people who have someone that they love, someone that they care about. And i want that too. I want a friend, someone to be with. Someone to do fun stuff with. Because it feels like im falling behind when everyone else is moving forwards.

What could someone like me, someone who's scared of approaching people because it isint concidered normal where the live get over loneliness?

I would really appreciate to see others thoughts on this, especially from adults since im still so young, did it get better for you?

i really miss my best friend, we haven't had a proper conversation in around 3 weeks. I know she's semi online playing games and posting notes on Instagram. She recently got a boyfriend and I'm so happy for her because she deserves all the love in the universe. i guess it just bothers me that we haven't had a conversation because she's my closest friend, and one of the only ones i talk with one on one. And the only one who i can have deep conversations with one on one, that's mainly because i don't have a lot of friends especially irl. which isin't on her of course, i just miss her a lot and i have a hard time accepting that i don't have a lot of people to talk with the same way i talk to her.

i miss talking to her and she reposted tiktoks about how draining it is to reply everyday, and i really get that. she sometimes takes a few days off to focus on herself but she usually comes back in a couple of days max a week probably, but it had never been over 3 weeks. and with my birthday coming up im afraid she will maybe not even text me then. and she isint obliged to but i know it will just really hurt me if she doesnt.

m 16

I only tagged the story in this category because I wasn't too sure where else I could tag it in. Anyway, this story was when I was in an internship right after finishing my college days, which was already a little while ago.

For context, my mother was supposed to leave for like...5 days I think ? To see some people from our side of the family while I stayed at home with my stepdad. I noticed, while she was away, that life felt a little lighter along with me being an intern with some people that I honestly cherished a bit and had fun working with (though I did wish they'd reached out to me more because I was always the one that did first in the groupchat. Seeing that there was no communication when I wasn't the one that initiated a convo, I eventually dropped it, so there's that 🤷‍♀️). I don't know if I started reading into things a little too much and got a bit paranoid, but she came back home 2 days earlier than planned and I found it a bit weird. I think it's mainly because when she goes to visit our side of the family for 1 month, she usually stays for 1 month before coming back. She also gave me a shoulder bag that one of my aunts told her to gift to me, but since I was already using another shoulder bag that was competely fine and that I was happy with, I didn't use it.

What really got me was, when I was sleeping in my bed next to her that night (because at that time, I still had to sleep next to her in my room while my stepdad slept in theirs or vice versa), I had a dream where I was in my mother's room and having an argument with her about something. I don't remember what exactly, but at some point, she suddenly stopped and fell quiet. That's when she starts smiling at me like she was possessed by something. I was confused as fuck and concerned as hell, so I called out to her and asked her what was wrong. That's when she attacked me and got all close, so I obviously tried to get her off me. I don't remember if I just had a tug of war to get my arm back from her hold or if I was getting sucked in a spiral Junji Ito style, but I quickly told myself that I had to wake up, so I woke up. For some reason, I felt some sort of recoil upon waking up, but maybe that's really just the knee-jerk type of reaction when waking up from a nightmare.

I'm used to vivid dreams, so upon reflection, it doesn't actually scare me, but it does make me wonder what this dream could mean. I have a feeling that at least part of it, if not the entire reason for it to have happened, was because of my paranoia acting up a bit at that time. I still want to make sure to see what else it could potentially mean, so please feel free to tell me what you think. I hope y'all have a good day/night, and I'll see y'all around >3°

I’m 23M and I finished my IT studies last year thinking I was at least stepping onto a road, even if it wasnt a perfect one. I actually did get one decent thing right after, a paid internship for 2 months, doing small dev tasks, fixing bugs, cleaning messy code, sitting in standups acting like I knew what “velocity” really meant. It was not glamorous but it felt real, like finally I was inside the system instead of just training for it. Then it ended, they said nice things, “you did well,” “we’ll keep your CV,” the usual polite exit lines, and after that it was just silence. Since then I’ve been applying everywhere for junior developer jobs, trainee jobs, “entry level” jobs that somehow still ask for 2 years of experience in three frameworks and cloud certs like they’re handing out pilot licenses. I’m not saying companies are evil for wanting good candidates, because I kind of get it, nobody wants to spend money training someone who might leave, and the market seems bad for everybody right now, not just me. But at the same time it’s hard not to take it personal when rejection emails stack up or, more common, when there is no reply at all. “We have decided to move forward with other candidates” starts to sound like background noise after a while. And the weird part is I can still explain the logic of it, I can still be rational, but that doesn’t stop the mood from sinking. Unemployment depression sounds dramatic when you say it out loud, maybe even too online, but what else do you call it when every day looks the same and your confidence gets slowly sanded down by job boards, fake motivation, and waiting?

What makes it worse for me, honestly, is AI. I know some people love it, some people say “adapt or die,” some say it’s just another tool like Google or Stack Overflow, and maybe for some jobs that’s true. I’m not trying to do the old man yelling at clouds thing at 23 😅. But I hate how it entered the conversation right when I was trying to begin. It already felt hard enough to get taken seriously as a junior dev, and now every article, podcast clip, LinkedIn post, and random recruiter comment sounds like, “junior coding will change,” “companies need fewer entry-level devs,” “AI can boost one senior into doing the work of three people.” Maybe some of that is hype, maybe alot of it is marketing, maybe companies are just using it as the newest excuse to freeze hiring, I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to stay fair about it. I know AI can help with boring tasks, documentation, debugging, whatever. I even used some of it during school and during the internship because not using it at all would be kind of fake. But I still resent it, because I spent years hearing that tech was safe, practical, future-proof, and now the same people are acting like the ladder got pulled up just when my turn came. It feels like someone changed the rules after the exam. And before anyone says “build projects,” yes, I did that, small web apps, GitHub commits, portfolio, CV rewrites, leetcode a bit, networking a bit, messages to old classmates, all of it. None of it turned into actual work. After months of this, even personal projects start to feel fake, like I’m making pretend products for no users just so I can maybe impress someone who will never answer the application anyway;

The hardest part is probably how ordinary it all looks from the outside. I live at home right now, I wake up, search listings, send applications, tweak cover letters, maybe study, maybe stare at the screen pretending I’m still “being productive,” then the day ends and technically nothing exploded. No big tragedy, no dramatic downfall, just a slow, dull shrinking. Friends from school are mixed too, some found jobs, some didn’t, some moved into support or data stuff or just gave up and took whatever paid rent. I don’t judge them, and I try not to judge myself either, because the economy is messy and the tech market is clearly not what we were promised. Still, there’s this embarassing feeling when someone asks, “So what are you doing now?” and the true answer is basically waiting. Waiting while trying to look active. Waiting while telling yourself you’re not lazy, not broken, not useless, just stuck. I don’t think unemployment automatically equals depression for every person, and I don’t want to throw that word around carelessly, but when your plans stop moving, your brain can stop moving too. You start thinking in smaller and smaller circles. You compare yourself to strangers. You read posts where people say “just keep grinding” or “the market will recover” like those phrases are food. Maybe they mean well. Maybe they’re right. But being told to stay positive when nothing changes can start to feel insulting, even if the advice isn’t wrong. So I’m asking, especially to anyone reading this who has been through something similar, how do you keep your head normal when your career hasn’t even started and already feels over? I’m still applying, still trying, still being realistic, but I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t changed how I see myself.

I’m 19, and I’m starting to feel like my brain got wired wrong somewhere, because I seriously cannot fall asleep in a quiet room. Not “it’s a little harder” quiet. I mean the kind of silence where I can hear my own swallowing, the radiator clicking, the blood rushing in my ears, every tiny shift in the mattress, and suddenly my whole nervous system acts like it’s on graveyard shift doing threat assessment. The second everything goes still, my sleep latency gets way worse, like my body forgets how to cross over into actual sleep onset. If I put on a fan, rain sounds, some dumb video essay playing low, or even just the hum of an air purifier, I knock out faster. Does anyone else get that, or am I just broken in a really specific and embarrassing way? People always talk like silence is the ideal sleep environment, like that’s the gold standard, but for me silence feels aggressive. It feels like standing on a stage waiting to mess up. Noise gives me auditory masking, which sounds clinical, but basically it just covers the sharp little sounds that keep pulling my attention back up to the surface. Without it, my brain starts monitoring everything, like some cheap surveillance system that never powers down. I’ve tried the “healthy” stuff too. No caffeine late, dim lights, no phone for a while, trying to regulate my circadian rhythm, breathing slow, all of it. And still, the moment it gets too quiet, my thoughts get louder than any speaker ever could. I start replaying every awkward conversation, every bad choice, every unfinished thing in my life, and then I’m just laying there feeling stupid. It’s wierd because during the day I say I want peace, but at night peace feels fake. Peace feels like waiting for something bad. When I was younger I used to fall asleep on the couch while the TV was on and plates were clinking in the kitchen, and I think my brain decided that background noise equals safety, like that became the default setting. So now when I try to sleep in a perfect silent room, it doesn’t feel restful, it feels abandoned.

Last week I actually tested it because I was tired of feeling dramatic about it. First night, I turned everything off because I wanted to prove to myself I was just being dependent on a habit. The room was dark, clean, no notifications, no sound, textbook sleep hygiene. I laid there for what felt like forever, probably doing micro-arousals every few minutes, drifting for two seconds and then snapping back because the silence made every thought sound huge. My chest wasn’t pounding or anything, so I’m not trying to say it was some full panic response, but my baseline arousal was clearly too high. I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, normal people can sleep in silence, why cant I. I got annoyed enough to turn on a box fan at like 2:17 a.m., and I swear my whole body unclenched within ten minutes. That should’ve made me feel relieved, but honestly it just made me feel worse, because now it seems less like a phase and more like I’ve trained myself into some dependency loop. The next night I tried brown noise instead, and same result, asleep faster, fewer wake-ups, less mental static. So yeah, the data is pretty obvious, but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. Accept it? Fix it? Is this just conditioning, or is it hypervigilance, or am I giving it too much meaning because I’m 19 and already tired all the time and kind of burnt out in general? I know there are worse problems to have, obviously. Needing noise to sleep is not exactly a tragic backstory. But it bothers me because it makes me feel fragile in this dumb specific way, like I can’t even handle the default setting of a room. And the worst part is I’m not even sure I want to fix it if noise is the only thing that consistently helps. Maybe the real issue isn’t the sound, maybe it’s what happens in my head when there’s alot of empty space for every thought to echo. I definately trust a fan more than my own mind at night, and that feels sad in a way I can’t make sound less pathetic.

Lately, I've been feeling this gnawing sensation that my friends might actually dislike me, and it's a feeling I can't seem to shake off, even though it's probably unwarranted and all in my head, but hey, who's there to say for sure??

Sometimes, when we're all hanging out, I get the vibe that I'm the odd one out, you know?? Like, they'll be laughing at some inside joke I don't get, making me wonder if I'm just the extra, unnecessary part of the group that they tolerate out of pity or habit, and not genuinely out of fondness or camaraderie; do you ever feel this way too?? Do others perceive me merely as a tag-along or an afterthought, or is it just the typical paranoia feeding off my insecurities?? I mean, there's been times when plans were made without my knowing, and while I try not to make a big deal of it, because who wants to be that person who's always fishing for inclusion, right?? It still stings a little bit, and I can't help but wonder if perhaps they intentionally left me out because, deep down, they don't really want me around, like when they all went for brunch but somehow "forgot" to text me, which felt like a punch to my gut realizing the event happened from all their Instagram stories the next day; or am I just overthinking everything, which I tend to do on most days anyway, not even gonna lie!! Then, there's the conversations that start and end with them, as if the exchange does not require my contribution; is that a sign of their disregard or just a lapse in their social interaction capabilities?? Yet, simultaneously, I can't ignore the times they've shown they care, and perhaps it's just my mind playing tricks on me, blowing insignificant occurrences out of proportion, turning a molehill into a mountain of self-doubt and suspicion!!! Sometimes I wonder if I'm just projecting my own feelings of inadequacy or fear of abandonment onto them, which seems plausible, but it doesn't make the emotions any less valid or substantial to me!! Are my thoughts, in this endless loop of self-questioning and uncertainty, shared by others who have gone through this exact dilemma, always second-guessing their place in a friendship, or am I a rare case of unjustified anxiety surrounding social dynamics?? I find myself questioning the genuine nature of our friendships while judging myself for even letting these thoughts exist since everyone seems fine and like there's nothing out of the ordinary; how does one reconcile the two?? There's this never-ending battle within, imagining the worst while trying to stay rational and tell myself it's not personal, but you know how it is, very tiring how the mind sometimes wants to wander off on dark roads without a care; do I confront them about these fears, risking further detachment, or bottle it up, hoping it's just a phase that will pass eventually, like clouds on an otherwise sunny day???

Even in moments of lightheartedness, there's this undercurrent of unease, a nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, I'm not as valued in their lives as they might be in mine; are these connections truly reciprocal, or am I investing my emotional capacity into illusions of friendship?!? All I crave is some reassurance that I'm not the solitary one battling these feelings, that I'm not the only one tangled in this web of doubt and suspicion; I even asked myself once if maybe I'm the toxic one who assumes the worst intentions behind their actions, simply because I've developed this narrative in my head that needs questioning and debunking sooner rather than later, don't you think?!!! It's a constant push and pull, where emotions and rationality duke it out in my mind, leaving me emotionally drained and yearning for answers that might never come unless I dig deep and analyze the origins of these feelings without bias; but truthfully, who has the time or energy for that deep introspection regularly, though I probably should make time, I'm aware!!? It's just frustrating, you feel me??!! Wondering if it's all a figment of an overactive imagination or a hint of a larger underlying issue that needs addressing; is it possible for friendships to thrive despite these shadows of doubt, or is there any wisdom in voicing these concerns to them, opening a potential can of worms that could lead to clarity or calamity??? What is the best approach here, do you reckon?!? It's interesting realizing that perhaps nobody really knows the absolute answers to these dilemmas, and each one of us is just winging it, hoping that we eventually get it right; and maybe, just maybe, that's okay in itself!!! What are your thoughts on this whole unsettling experience; have you ever been in a similar boat, sailing through murky waters littered with uncertainty, and is there a guiding star that leads one out of this cycle of doubt???

I genuinely just don't care anymore about school. I've tried to tell myself that it's so important and that I have to do these things to get into a good college to live a good life but right now I'm sitting and writing this post instead of studying for an important presentation that's tomorrow. Part of me is telling myself that I should work on it, that I should do it, but my heart's just not in it. I don't have any motivation to do this, nothing helps at all. I've tried studying with my friends but honestly it just doesn't work out. I always end up doing something random or doomscrolling. I don't know what to do anymore. Why am I feeling like this?? How do I get motivation???