Life Stories and Everyday Drama

Dont know how to start, but last year I told my partner to never ever loan money online because I kept on worrying that he would get scammed in instead of getting what he wanted, later on when we were heading home I noticed that he kept hiding his phone from me whenever I would peek, and obviously I noticed something strange as he usually let's me peek to his phone, moving foward is that he told me that he borrowed some money online to buy something that he really wanted (p.s. things are getting a little bit rough fue to financial problems), I was mad but forgave him later on and told him the second time that he should promise me that he wouldn't borrow or loan some money online. Moving foward things are going great we were having fun, but I dont specifically know how I know again but he borrowed money again through online because his reason is that "he was irritated and out of his mind by the we had an argument to each other" which I was angry and a bit sad because firstly notnonly he broke his promise to me but at the same time it feels like it was my fault that we fought to each other. I didn't argue back but just scolded him because it was also affecting me to, as because the cost kept getting higher and he needed help so I lend him some money. I told him the THIRD TIME that he should promise me again and stop spending and start saving money. At this point I dont know why but im slowly losing trust on him whenever he would do something I just kinda accepted it, never argue about it because it will only make things worst.

Recently he reached out to me again that he needed to pay something, which is for the money he borrowed again online, I didn't argue but yet dissapointed, I told him that this time he should pay me back because heck the money he needed to pay is out of my budget, since I "love him" that much I lend him some cash, later on since I was bored I wanted to play with my partner so I asked him out to play with me, and thinking also that he would be easy on me and even be affectionate towards me since I did him a favor and such, i expected too much and didn't gpt that kind of treatment but it's whatever its just a game, during the game there's this figurine he wanted to buy and even told his dad and such and he agreed (p.s. we are only college students that still needed support from our parents) and he wanted to ask the buyer if its still available on the day of his birthday, which he reached out to me needing help to chat the seller and I told him I would do it later as because we were playing, on our last game which he reminded me again that he needed help I told him I would do it later, but he seems soo desperate to ask the seller and decided to ask it himself in a mad tone, which I got angry and he got angry with me saying "I'll do it myself, all ypu wanted to do just to play" which I got furious so I left the game.

Things aren't good with us recently and kept on thinking the things that I have done to him, providing him financial needs whenever he needed to without asking anything in return and even the love that he needed since everything is going rough with him so as much a possible I tried to become supportive, but in return it feels like the more I provide the lesser i get in return, I've been expecting a lot to him, maybe something more affectionate rather than giving me such sexual activities and such, even though i kept telling myself when he's happy then I'm happy but at the same time I don't feel like that.

I can't even confront him my feelings like before, can't even cry out like this in front of him, knowing nothing will happen, I've been distancing my real feelings with him, should I just leave him if this keeps happening, all the vreak prormises that he told me he would srop doing it to me, the things even the little ones he would get angry about, mybfeelings being invalidated knowing if I opened up he will get angry with me or even being dissapointed with me.

I never thought we would end up here. After twenty years of marriage, I find myself lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, wonderin where it all went wrong. I look over at you sometimes and you’re right there, but it feels like you’re a million miles away. You don’t smile at me like you used to, you don’t laugh at my silly jokes, you don’t touch me just because anymore. And maybe it sounds childish, but I miss that so much. I miss feeling like you saw me, like you actually wanted me around. Now everything feels so cold and routine. We go through the motions—work, dinner, kids, bills, sleep—but the love part? It feels like it’s gone. Sometimes I wonder if you even notice how quiet it’s gotten between us. If you see how hard I’m trying to still reach you through all this distance. Or maybe you do notice and you just don't care anymore. Maybe you just... don’t love me anymore.

I keep telling myself maybe it’s just stress. Maybe it’s just life being hard and busy, the way it gets after so many years. But deep down I feel it. The way you barely look at me when you walk in the door. The way you say “love you” like it’s just another chore to check off. I feel invisible in a house we built together. I try to talk to you, to open up about how lonely I feel, but it’s like you shut down before I even get the words out. You say everything’s fine, that I’m “overthinking” again. But it’s not fine. Not to me. I crave something more than just existing side by side. I want to feel chosen again. Wanted. Loved. I miss the little things—the random hugs, the spontaneous kisses, the way you used to light up just seeing me. I don’t need grand gestures. I just need to feel like I still matter to you, like I’m still the person you dreamed about growing old with. Right now, it feels like I’m just... there. And the hardest part? I still love you so much, and maybe that’s why it hurts like hell to wonder if you don't anymore.

ive always been different. even when i was little i noticed it. i had meltdowns at school and sometimes i would run out of the classroom. everything got too loud and too confusing. kids stayed away from me. some were scared. i got bullied a lot. it made me think something was wrong with me.

i wanted friends. i wanted to be like everyone else. but i didnt know how. it felt like i missed out on learning something everyone else just knew. my parents tried to help. they got me on meds and into therapy. it didnt fix how alone i felt. it just made me feel guilty for being a problem.

growing up i barely had any friends. most of the time i was by myself. even in high school, when it seemed like everyone had groups and plans and people to count on, i had maybe two or three people i could really trust. and even then i was scared. i felt like if they ever knew the real me, they might leave too. and if they did, i would have no one.

im bi but i dont tell people. its not because im ashamed. its because im terrified of losing the little bit of connection i have. i know if i tell the wrong person, i could lose the only friends i trust. and if that happens, thats it. im alone again. completely. and i dont know if i can handle that. id rather hide it and keep something than be honest and lose everything.

the only thing that worked for me was baseball. when i played, i wasnt different. i was just part of a team. ive played since i was a kid. no vacations, no parties, no normal stuff. just baseball.

for a while that was enough.

now i know im probably not going to make it. im not getting drafted. im not going to play pro. and i dont know what to do without it. it was never just a game to me. it was my whole life.

now im studying accounting. im good at numbers, maybe because of my autism. people say its a smart choice. they say it will get me a good job. but i dont like it. its just surviving. working and paying bills and doing it all again the next day. i hate it. i hate that dreams dont matter unless they make money.

i thought about coaching but it doesnt pay enough. so i have to give that up too.

i feel stuck most days. like i missed too much already and now im building a life that wont make me happy. people told me i was going to do great things. and now if im not the best at something, i feel like im nothing.

i dont talk about this much. i dont want to make it anyone elses problem. i dont want to just survive. i want to actually live.

I will only believe a girl likes me if she cries for me. i promise i am not sadistic or anything, i just have BAD trust issues and will only believe someone's love and yearning if they display it loudly and clearly. I don't want to give someone love without the assurance that they love me too. i want to love, but i could never allow myself to love someone if they don't show their love to me first. I don't want to be used, i don't want to be vulnerable. i want to be detached, so when abandonment eventually comes, i won't be as impacted.

i know this might be bad, but the more i watch other sapphics/lesbians like me talk about their painful breakups, the thicker my barrier grows. I don't wanna be hurt, i don't wanna be weak. vulnerability is my biggest fear. but for the sake of not hurting myself, i might end up hurting someone... it always comes to my mind, what if someone truly loves me, but my barrier became way too thick for me to take it?

i have a friend, my only highschool friend, and she said i am her best friend. guess what? it's still hard to believe her. we talk often and frequent the same places, and she's always willing to talk to me unless she's super drained, but i still haven't found the strength to open up fully, because she might disappear anytime. i can't believe I'm more than just "someone she knows". i want to protect myself, but i feel like doing it this way is making me worse. I don't know what to do.

When i was 5 we moved out to a cottage shared by 4 families ( we were friends and yes, there were 4 dif houses) me and those kids had such a grat bond, like when i fought with my mom i would go to their house and stuff. well some years later my dog died and they were the ones to help me out with that as well. After some time, our parents had a fight so we had to move out, so we couldn't speak, after a month it was my birthday and i invited that family at my party . turns out that my mom never actually send the invitation... when i found out i imidiately called the youngest friom the family wich i had the closest bond with and spoke to her .. i couldn't stop crying on this cal... and then after MUCH begging she came over at mine, that was the best day of my life... let's say now we went to church with my school and her school was there too. i asked my teacher with tears in my eyes if i could go say hi and she said no.. then she asked hers and se said yes.. when she came to hug me i started crying and the hole church was looking at me but i really didn't care at all and that is probably going to be the last time i ever see her..

for a while, I've been feeling very lonely. i am very introverted, don't mind being on my own, and interacting with new people is very tiresome. but still, for some reason, I've been craving some kind of intimacy, some connection with someone, specifically with a woman. i want a girlfriend.

when i realized it, I was very cringed at myself. i always saw myself as self sufficient, no need for romance or sex... but suddenly i feel like this, wanting the embrace of a pretty woman, hearing kind words and affirmations, being truly loved, appreciated, being someone's important person...

so, i created this imaginary girlfriend inside my head, for me to fantasize about whenever loneliness hit me. I've always lived inside my own head 24/7, it's a trait of mine to just stop and think about things, wander in imagination, so it wasn't hard for me to sink into this fantasy.

my imaginary girlfriend is older and more mature than me, not in a "superiority" way, but in a way that helps me grow as a person and navigate this difficult world. she's kind, extroverted, funny, very gentle and almost motherly. flirty and spicy, but understanding of my boundaries as an extremely shy and embarrassed person. she's bigger than me, both in terms of height and body mass, and likes to put her weight on me for fun. she likes to bring me to different places, and is dedicated to letting me experience things and have fun outside of my comfort zone, but never pushing me uncomfortably far. overall, she's the half I'm missing(?)

but, after a while with this fantasy, i started to get attached to this image of her, and started to wonder: how will i leave this fantasy when i meet a potential real life girlfriend? how will i let go of my expectations, everything that i "built" with this imaginary woman? i know, i am probably embarrassingly delusional LMAO but i really want to be able to leave it behind eventually, because I don't want the girl in my future to feel like she isn't good enough for me. mainly, the thing i want to figure out is HOW to draw the line between what is just "my type" X what is an "hyper expectation" from someone.

does anyone else feel or ever felt this way? if so, how was it when you found a real person for yourself? i really want to hear...

SO

I'm an enthusiastic musical arranger on flat.io (go find me, my display is orgogagogi and my @ is @hans_husband) and I arrange mostly for piano.

I've arranged so far: I Hate To Admit by Bang Chan (Kpop is awesome what you yappin), Vibrant Eyes by CG5, and have posted but not finished an arrangement of The Beginning by ONE OK ROCK.

Thing is, I'm currently working on, like two different arrangements at the same time: previously mentioned The Beginning and Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan and plan to start Everywhere, Everything by Noah Kahan soon, and maybe even Deep End by SKZ.

Thinking about the next note has been part of what keeps me up at night, so much so that I've started having to put makeup under my eyes so that it won't be obvious that I'm losing sleep over this so my friends don't worry.

am I pushing myself too much?

Hey guys, I was broken up with by an someone a few weeks ago. I will give a run down of the relationship and the breakdown of the relationship. I need help navigating the break up and the no contact period.

I have been in no contact with him for 6 weeks now, I blocked him everywhere. I just need clarity on the situation. I have known this person for so long but we reconnected last year. It started as friendship which progressed into a loving relationship with no abuse or infidelity.

In the first month of the relationship he ghosted me for a few days. He shutdown because he was going through a lot of personal stuff. He didn't tell me all this but just stopped talking to me. I had to call and send multiple messages. Then I told him if he doesn't respond, I will assume he ghosted me and I'll move on. After that he sent a lot of texts saying how much he loves me and the last thing he wants is to break up. He was just going through something and I should just give him space and he would come back. I did just that and gave him space till he came back.

This became a habit, he would randomly ghost when going through something and he'd expect me to just know and give him space. I thought I was a securely attached person but his ghosting and coming back randomly triggered my anxiety. I used to send messages on multiple platforms or try to call just to know why he ghosted and stuff like that. Other than this shutting down, he was a good partner to me.

He was also scared that I'd leave him and would panic all the time, ask for reassurance that I won't leave.

He left the country later on, we started long distance. And before he left, I asked him not to shut down when things get hard. He agreed and I trusted him on this.

2 weeks after he left, he just shut down, stopped talking to me. I didn't know about attachment styles then. So him being 1000 miles away from me, triggered my anxious side, I was sending messages on various platforms, calling etc.. I had to reach out to his family member and that's when he sent an email saying he is going through a lot, is depressed and he needs a break. All I wanted from him was that, he should at least talk to me beforehand, then I'll give him space. I left him alone but I used to check in with him once or twice in a week during that period.

By this time my anxiety was already triggered and was no longer secure in the relationship. Small things or small change in his behavior would trigger me. He came back 3 weeks later but was cold and distant for no reason. This triggered me more. At this stage he stopped answering my calls at all but was texting me daily though at a reduced frequency. He stopped saying I love you to me unless I said it first and this continued till the relationship ended.

When I brought this up, he used to say I should just give him time, and that things between us will go back to normal soon.

My birthday came around, I'm not sure what happened that morning, but maybe my anxious side was activated. I was just craving for more attention from him I guess. We texted a little bit that morning. I tried calling him that morning. I called several times and he hang up on me. I spiraled and started leaving messages telling him, I do not appreciate how he is treating and that I don't think he loves me anymore. We stopped talking for a like 3 weeks, but somewhere in those 3 weeks, he said he still wants to be with me and he doesn't want to be away from me but he just needs to sort out his personal life, so I should give him time.

When he came back, it was still the same. Poor communication, slow replies but was still asking me to be patient with him. This had been dragging on for 5 months. It was affecting me because my needs weren't being met and all I was being told was to be patient. Our anniversary came, he sent me a happy anniversary message. But went on to ghost for 2 days. I told him I do not appreciate being treated that way and he broke up with me via text. You can read the text on my profile.

After that I reached out to him and he just confused me more. He said he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me, that he is still in love with me but he will miss me. He said that he was just not in the right mindset to be in a relationship. He said the main reason he broke up with me is that he doesn't know if he will ever be happy due to his struggles. I asked if he was okay with trying again when in a better place, he said "Idk, we'll see". I took that as a no. He said we should go no contact so that we can work on ourselves but was open to me reaching out 6 months down the line. This confused me a lot and left me with more questions than answers.

Is it okay for me to reach out to him on his birthday or after the 6 months have elapsed. And if thinks go well for him, do you think there is a he might come back when he is less overwhelmed. I don't want anything with him, just to check up on him since we were friends for 16 yrs before dating.

bye I'm leaving for the sake of my old friends

bye

ok another vent about being trans yahoo.

my mom is like incredibly homophobic + transphobic + racist etc, but the thing is I love her to the moon and back, but at the same time I want to be able to medically transition. and at this point I just don't know anymore. Ive lived my life craving her approval, and I cant stand to see her disappointed in me. transitioning calls out to me, but so does my family.

growing up in a nudist family is like... i dont even know how to explain it without soundin weird. like, for my parents and my brother, its just normal. no big deal. they always told me stuff like "our bodies are natural" and "there’s nothin to be ashamed of" and all that. and when i was little, i guess it didnt feel weird. like, when ur a little kid, u dont really think about that stuff, u just do what your parents say is normal. we went to nudist beaches, nudist camps, even some nudist events and i never really questioned it. but now that im a teenager, like 16, it feels totally different. i hate it. not hate like i think my family is bad or anything, but hate like... i dont feel comfortable anymore. at all. and they just dont get it. every time i try to say somethin they act like im the weird one. like im bein brainwashed by "society" or whatever. but honestly, sometimes i just wanna wear clothes and not have to explain myself every five minutes.

its hard too cuz like, i feel so embarassed when my friends talk about stuff. they’ll be like "ugh imagine seeing your parents naked" and im just sittin there laughin along like "haha yeah that would be gross" when inside im screamin cuz like… yeah. ive seen it all. all my life. and i dont kno how to say it without people thinkin im a freak or sumthin. sometimes i even lie. i say stuff like "yeah we go to the beach sometimes" and leave out the part where it’s a nude beach. i just dont wanna be that girl who everybody whispers about. and its not like i hate my family. i love them. they’re good ppl. but they dont understand that just cuz they’re ok with it doesnt mean i have to be too. i wanna wear jeans and hoodies and be normal. i wanna go to a regular beach and not worry about runnin into someone from the "community" who wants to have deep talks about body freedom. maybe one day ill accept it more, maybe i’ll even be okay with it, but right now? i just wanna be a regular teenage girl who gets to keep her clothes on without feelin like shes betrayin her family. is that too much to ask? cuz sometimes it really feels like it is.

I feel pathetic, i feel like I'm going back to that dark and deep black hole where all started, i feel people's judgement and disgusted stares, i feel how my chest hurts so bad, it's like my heart it's being squeezed and it's about to burst but at rhe same time i feel empty, hollow, like something in my chest it's missing, i can't wait all this anymore i just wanna cry myself out until i fall asleep and never wake up....

this is mainly to p but b too, I've been a terrible person recently and there is no excuse for my sh!t (srry for my word choice) if u have read my other stuff yk if not it's ok. I don't know why im destroying everything and breaking my greatest friendships. b im so frickin sorry for putting u through more sh!t and drama for no freaking reason, u didnt deserve it and I'm glad u and p are talking again :P and p.. I'm sorry but we both no sorry never fixes it. I should have been better, I've known u practically my whole life and I threw it all away because I could take the fact that ur human too and that u struggle as much as I do. Its probably weird for me cuz I've only seen u the crazy child id vibe with :D school has been stressing me and life which doesn't make it any better. if you cant/don't want to try and rebuild our destroyed bridges that's okay but if you are willing to I'd try to fix what's lost slowly, just know ur not alone even if you feel u are, I'm always around watching to make sure u are okay, like we use to say "HEYYY POOKIEE" "JUSTICE FOR PLUTO" "hEy...DidD yOOu WaSh YouR aSs ToDayie??!" I love u and I'd walk through hell and back for u and b both..

I hope by now u know who p is and I hope you know who b is cuz ik they are both here on IIWIARS

have a good night my children :) I hope y'all have a good day tomorrow for what u can<3

I need a point of view from a guy, me and my ex were off and on for over a year, we saw other people in between because we broke up, from my view I was there and he never was, I texted him a lot, he told me to get snapchat cause it would be easier, which made no sense lol, I did, I didn't tell him, things were already feeling off again. Very off. We did things together teenage couples do..he ghosted me the first time but then he said it was because he was busy, and I believed that, he has a farm and has to keep his animals alive and a family business or something like that. He said he loved me and that he was sorry and I took him back because I believed it was the right thing to do and I know people make mistake, so I took him back, I was already attached. I told him I was clingy and he knew. He is country and there is a thing about country guys and their grandpas dying, he died, and before he died things were great. when I was sick he would ask if I needed anything, like food, and said he would bring it over, I wouldn't let him do that, we had "I love you" wars. But when his grandpa died he started drinking and not doing great things and started to distance himself from me even more, I felt hurt and I wanted to talk to him about it, I rarely saw him, so I did it over text, of course, it was hours of being on delivered. I told him it didn't feel like he loved me anymore and that I just wanted time with him, he said he was too busy, nothing about not loving me anymore, which I thought I was fishy. I would give random I love yous because if I were him that is what I would do but I am not him and I don't know what I did it, most of the time he would leave it onread or on delivered and at night I would tell him goodnight and just like that, "goodnight." no "Hey baby I am sorry I have been busy all day, I am sorry if you felt like I didn't want you." He never said that I would like his goodnight message and say "So no I love you back? Is something up?" He would say something like, "Didn't see it." "Love u too." It was like he wasn't even trying. I was giving up my parents trust, they said he was bad news, I didn't listen because I was madly in love with him. We fought more than we saw each other, all the time over text. There was one time he said he couldn't do us anymore because he wanted a girl he could actually go out with ( Originally my parents said no because they didn't like him, they warmed up to him and finally told me it was fine) There were so many time I told him this so I brought it up again when we were fighting over text and he said " Oh I didn't know" Maybe it was because every time we hung out he just wanted to get to know my body more and more, he had already seen every part, we had done everything already. S I brought up him only seeming to care about my body and he would always dismiss it and say " I think if this is how it is we should break up or take a break." He never wanted to talk things out. And yet, he said he didn't want my body, but what did he do in person? Me. I let it drag on because I loved thins boy and he made me feel loved and special. What goes on in guys heads? Thinking that everything is fine when it isn't? Dismissing that you only want a body, no feelings attached? He said we werent f around buddies, but to me, it felt that way. We continued to do it over and over, each other and this toxic relationship. We would hang around in his truck and I could tell something was off, one time there was a hair tie that wasn't mine in his truck, I did see him with his mom the night before and they went out in his truck, but my observant self saw that his mom's hair was down, it wasn't pulled back, I was still outside when they came home, her hair was up, but she never got into his truck again. We had been sharing locations with each other and then he turned it off the next day and I knew something was up, I questioned it when I was in that truck with him and all we came to, was nothing, he said "No" when I asked him and started kissing me. I tried to shake it, I knew something wasn't right, he probably doesn't even remember it. I miss him, who he was before his grandpa died, he was my everything and then he became such a ( Insert your word here). It continued to be touch and go, I could tell he knew something was up with me but never even asked. He always expected me t be the one to ask to go out and when I did he said he didn't have time because he was busy or because he didn't want to and then I told him then he better not ever say I didn't try, which he did. I need a aview from a guy on this, we would have such a fun and loving time, then he would ghost after something major, like the deed, happened in our life. He texted me and said I should keep it in the past and that it doesn't matter anymore and that he was happy. I miss him. He got me into trouble at school so know I am suspended and could even get expelled at this point. Did I do something wrong? Why do guys do this? There is so much more I could ask and say but I have been ranting too much and I just need help.

People, family, friends even strangers always tell me to open up to people about my struggles. I used to oblige to it, but i always, ALWAYS feel so guilty after.

How? Well, if i vent to someone that has “worser” experiences than me (literally EVERYONE), I’ll end up feeling guilty. It’s like i’m just adding up to their problems because of them knowing i have such issues.

Im not good at comforting others either, maybe because i got so used to distracting my self or just using other means. Every time someone vents to me, i just use silliness to comfort them. Using jokes, a combination of emojis and just slang words.

It’s kind of pathetic of me to even use an anonymous website to vent all this out, i feel kinda bad for sharing, it feels weird.

Its kind of hard to explain by words, since as i said i gotten so used to just bottling my struggles up to not be a bother. But i tried my best to describe it here.