Life Stories and Everyday Drama

You know what is MEFCC, right? The Middle East Film Comic Con? I know. It got postponed to September 11-13. Yay. I thought I could go on April, in a new school year, finishing exams, doing my Joseph Joestar cosplay decent for a first attempt, meet people who are like me, and have fun. But there is war going on in Dubai, which is also my home. I’m in India now, for god knows how long. I thought I could go in April, but it postponed. I thought things could improve, but this process it can’t. I don’t know why I’ve been so hopeful back then. What was the point? What is the point of trying to have fun here in India? It’s like cheering when you failed. I’ll still be friendless, I’ll still score low, I’ll never be able to control my home or myself. That’s why it sucks. I can’t ever control anything. My home could blow up and I could end up alone here. Iran could nuke UAE, Saudi and Qatar to prove that they destroyed the world, and the USA isn’t doing anything to stop this from getting worse, only worsening. It’s all timed right after my birthday. I shall never celebrate again, if this is all that’s been happening, getting worse as I age. I’m not gonna go because of this. It’s a cheers to something hopeless. I’ve lost everything before I even got to live newly. My exams got cancelled, which is fine, but what was that effort for? It never mattered. I never did. I knew I was a waste of space.

I was a waste of space, oxygen, life and money. No wonder I’ve got no friends. I didn’t actually matter. Every time I think I’m good, I go back to zero. This isn’t even zero, this is minus. I hurt everything by being myself. I shouldn’t have even asked this. I wouldn’t have been this hurt. Every time I go back to being worthless. Because I am worthless, I always was. My life so far has always been me failing right when I think I’ve gotten better. I should just stop and wish I never was this way. Wish I was normal. I should’ve been thrown away right when I was born. I was born bad. I was born lame. I was born with a cleft palate, which was fixed early, but I should’ve not been so invested so early. I wish I wasn’t exciting, even at home. That way it wouldn’t hurt as much.

My home is destroyed. UAE is destroyed. I spoke to my mom and brother. Mom messaged that she’s happy for me that it’s at least postponed (she guessed it by the way), the world’s problems aren’t mine to solve and I’m not a peace activist, no one expects me to fix the world, I can learn to control my feelings, she thought it was dumb of me to assume that Trump would specifically blow up our home, we’re not at complete war, and that Iran isn’t dumb enough to hit the richer countries with oil because the whole world’s economy would collapse, and I should have fun in India because relatives are here. My younger brother said that Iran won’t hit UAE in oil ports or citizens because “they’re friends” due to the oil and only attacked the US bases, but that I should keep trying, because he said what if I war never back to 0, but still at 50, like I usually was, just shaking? Doesn’t change the fact I’m behind others, they’re at 80 while I was at 50, now minus. I’m still at minus. I’m still worthless. I still have no chances anymore, and that I’m worthless in India. I only matter to my relatives and my main family, and even then, I’m even more of a nobody here.

I don’t know if it’ll get better. Maybe I’ll be here as my new home. Everything may be reducing here, but it won’t be the same. Lesser people will be in UAE because it’s not the safest country. They’ll think it’s dangerous now, because it’s in Middle East. All western movies say that, and they’re right. There’s no point anyways. My parents are delusional for saying we’re here for 3 weeks. We’ll be here for 3-9 months! How do I know? World war 3 is already happening. And I can stop this off I figure or some way to just not be me or change myself in the new school here or die from the world exploding from nukes!

Look what being me did. It hurt me more than help. It’s not good to have weird interests, or value friendships so much, or dress up, or have your family as your friend, or having eczema, or having braces, or having short hair as a girl even when you only cut it to reduce rash in your scalp to only one small location, even when you’re short. I’m stupid. That’s why I have no friends, I scored badly at school for a few exams, and worst of all, my family is my only friendship. At 14, I should be having more outside friends and I don’t know, hate family, and have fun and not value them too much. Or if I do have a group who only likes me if I act a certain way, I hate that I can’t change into them so fast. Why can’t I change myself to be them?

I’ve lost all chances. I always turn down people whenever they talk badly about some friends of theirs being their backs, or when they ignore me even if I tried I try to make myself happy, it’s a bad habit. I’m too goody-two-shoes, I need to revel in some way to be a teenager. I’m 14, I should’ve done something rebellious earlier! Now with the war, which all my relatives here are saying, it’s worse. Even with people here, they were only interested at first because I came from Dubai, otherwise they’d ignore me. That’s okay, I don’t like me either. I really need to stop celebrating birthdays. It’s always bad luck, this war happened right after. It means growing up is realizing you’re not great to anyone. Why haven’t I died in the womb? I made my mom fat and had her be my friend. It sucks. That cleft palate shouldn’t have been my only flaw, I should’ve had something else. I make things worse. For me and for my family. Why do I even have good relations with family only? It’s every kid’s nightmare. Right? Plus, what normal kid’s home could get bombed?

Now all I have are a bunch of drawing books, craft supplies and markers. I can draw but how can that fix anything? I even have my earphones and music stuff, but again, can’t fix anything. It’s like toasting when the world is exploding. Pointless. So, yeah, how’s drawing and listening to music gonna help? I’m just drawing, with colors, that’s weird right when my home could blow up with a nuke. It’s not like my cool music taste is gonna fix everything. Mangalore is cool, but it’s not home.

I’m not even as good as I used to be. I try drawing differently, and it’s inconsistent. Earlier it used to be consistent, but now with me trying a new style. It’s not even as good as Araki’s, which I’m a fan of JJBA now. Yeah, one of the more niche Shonen ones out there. Not as new as JJK or Demon Slayer. His style is so immaculate and cool, and mine is a mimicry of that, a pathetic one. It still looks like mine, except I changed the face and some stuff, but even then, the lines and proportions are somewhat inconsistent. It sucks. I never improved. I only went backwards. I shouldn’t even draw. I don’t even know why I like some of them.

Hi! I'm Cara. so

A year ago, i became friends with this girl named.. lets just call her Ashlie. SO just for context, I'm athiest/humanist. She is just regular latter day saint. Ashlie and I share a ton of classes, and are in the same social group. Ash has been subtly saying these... comments. for example, I was out with Jaylen, Luna, and Ash. Literally at Subway(the sandwich store) and it's 90 something degrees. Luna compliments my crop top and asks where it's from. I told her and then Ash goes, "Those clothes provoke lust. we should stop by TJ MAXX to get you a new shirt." she said that with dead seriousness btw .Jaylen gives Ashlie a look to shut up, sensing I'm irritated. Jaylen and Luna are Christian also, but not hardcore. Luna goes, "Ash, it's 90 degrees, why do you care what Cara's wearing?" Ash looked awkwardly scandalized. I had finally had enough of the past 6 months of these small comments snowballing into this. "Ashlie, you know I'm not Christian. I get you're saying you're helping, but you're just being overbearing. If you have such a big reaction to my clothes, why are you still here? And let me point out that Luna and Jaylen are in the same branch of Christianity and you out of them three are the only one questioning my outfit." Deadass I dunno if I should remain friends with her or act distant. She is much more popular with people and could easily turn my reputation to shit.

NOTE!

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i couldn't sleep for a year, because he left me. i still miss him sometimes. when i have a beautiful moment or day, and want to share it with him. i miss him like i miss my childhood. i won't be able to reach you, but i will remember. i hope you will be fine, i always mention you in my prayers. forgive me, my love. maybe next time

I'm 16 years old ftm and gay.

I've accepted myself ever since i've figured out i was trans, i've always been an ally of the lgbtqia+ community and i always will be.

The thing i struggle with is hearing all the negative comments about the trans community and about the lgbtqia+ community in general. Because no matter where you are there will always be someone who doesn't accept it. I understand people have different views of things, but why do we normalise hatred so much? love is love and trans men are men. And the same goes for trans women they ARE women.

It fills me with rage that people can't let other people be who they are. You don't choose to be trans or gay, it's not a choice and it isin't just something that can be 'fixed'. Hearing people say things like "being gay is just wrong" or "being trans is bullshit" really hurts. I don't judge people for being straight, because love is love right?Why should we bring someone down just because they don't fit the standard?

I personally don't watch the last of us but why would you cast someone who is cis to play the role of someone who is trans? it WILL hurt the trans community, because to someone people it will be seen as "trans men ARE women" when they are NOT. They had the opportunity to cast a trans ftm teen, and to some people it isin't that serious. But it IS that serious. We deserve good representation and i wish that other people could see that we are human too.

We aren't freaks, no it's not just a phase we are going through, just because we don't fit the so called 'norm' doesn't mean we don't deserve to be treated the same way.

This is about friends and dating. Not super serious but serious enough. So I downloaded this app, it was for anything, hookups, friends, relationships. I mainly got alot of older men so I deleted it. Before I did tho, I saw a guy on there, he was low-key my type, literally the only other alt guy on there. I didn't text him due to my overthinking and feeling too chopped rn, huge regret Ik but it also feels stupid dwelling on this when there are many guys I could meet out there. I remember being friends with a guy I found attractive at the time and he had a boyfriend, I don't think I can try that again, I was super jealous and trying to please him.

Anyways, even so, I felt too dysphoric to do actually do anything with the guys, like meeting up. I have a girl voice and I don't want people hearing that. It's why it's hard to make friends or anything.

I've also been pretty insecure about my looks, specifically the hair, I got a new hairstyle, thinking I'd like it but I don't. The reason I got it is because of depression, it's hard taking care of the other hairstyle but the one I have? It's easier.

I just wanna self isolate until I I fix all my gender problems. I'm a trans guy. I guess I could try and make friends again online but I don't see how that would help. People talking these magical friends who you'll meet online and will support you always but I don't think that's something I'll have, I'm already hiding myself behind a screen, so what vulnerability?

Before those hobbies questions come...I already workout, dance, sit outside, watch shows, and watch video games.

Any advice is appreciated<3

Alright, so I'm 39 and trying not to freak out, but it's hard not to feel like something ominous is scribbled across my life's blueprint. could it be the algorithm of stress, or maybe just the faulty wiring in my overthinking brain? the days scrape by and I've got this stupid itch, like a ticker tape in my head whispering "tick-tock, hun, something's coming." you ever stand in the shower and just watch the water swirl down the drain while wondering if you're circling right down with it??? bizarre, right? but seriously, what the hell is this gut-churning sense of doom that just lounges in my living room like it pays rent?

i blame it on the 'midlife crisis' stigma, which surely must be some twisted rite of passage. but i don't own a convertible or an absurdly-priced leather jacket, just a morbid fascination with my own mortality. is there an existential influencer somewhere saying, "and now you'll dread your birthday cake candles"? at this age, you'd think I'd have unlocked some dispassionate wisdom from life's inventory, but nah, feels like i'm playing a video game with a walkthrough written in pencil!!! like howdy, could someone patch this glitch, please? no cheat codes here, just wish I could delete this morose save file, you know?

but here's the thing, if i dust off my therapist's favorite cliches, it's like hitting pause and rebooting with optimism... "change is good!" or that irritating serene vibe of "you've got this." tedious but they might be onto something!!! i mean, statistically, with all the variables, I could live to garden with my grandkids, dodging any hardware bug life throws my way. don't you think it's hilarious how we can be both the protagonist and the heckler in our life’s script? maybe we're all just late-night telethon hosts, presenting dramatic predictions about the apocalypse of our souls. pfft, if i can troubleshoot systems as complicated as my own, enjoying that last cookie guilt-free seems doable enough. maybe, just maybe, this isn't some final destination trailer after all, but just a low-budget pilot for figuring out what it means to really live!

It feels very uncomfortable when you had weeks (Eid Mubarak holidays) just being drenched in your room and not doing anything besides doom-scrolling on whatever the fuck sake platform you are on, I just felt like that because I felt so many things are so pointless whether I tried so many stuff so many stuff to do so I have some purpose, I don't really feel that my own self is very anxious, but generally I think I do because how many times I felt not being able to speak, but you know what I just found out I can really reach out to speak to any people, It's just I can't manage that how people would like to perceive myself, When I tried to be myself i just think that I am so fragile to being social 'cause of the words I am arranging that may be apparently awkward, this happens to so many groups of people I am trying to fit in, it turns out to be not so good, and all of these, me being very awkward makes myself being so outrageous and indecisive because I can't be better, I almost wiped out half of my house interiors because of all of the suffering, but I've had the chance of being serene for myself because I had this one girl I can be friends with, now I felt like me and her are just a distant acquintances because for some reason she's attracted with the group of boys in my class, this particular group of boys is the one I've tried to reach out with and felt so fragile because I cannot adapt with their behaviours and banter, that's why I didn't try to get to her again, and then I've tried to DM her, asking if we can be friends again like so back, she replied that we'll be friends no matter what, all the agony from myself got supressed after I chatted to her about this, but turns out it's just a short-term of cooling down, in the next few days I sent her messages that is left on read, now it gaves so much clarity that any of these being fit to the society shit are pointless, I've worsened myself because I am in the current phase of being indecisive because I'm tired of my attempts, But you know I would like to know if it keeps even getting worse so that I can enliven this shit instead of giving me frenzy BS that keeps make me despairing every hope, If you read this maybe you would be speechless because I may be typing shit, but if you understood any of these I'll be in touch for your insights whether it's a critic with blasphemy or not.

Hello all , so I just wanted to vent out my anger here because of my toxic household. I'm tired of having the victim mentality and of them . Everytime my asshole,pimp brother takes undue advantage of the situation and tries to put an argument ofr a fight between me and my parents . I feel like killing him to death. Everyone's controlling here. I can't even take or hoose clothes according to my choice. just fed up of this shit now . i dont want to live here anymore , always making me count things ,oing comparison between me and my brother . I'm scared to love anyone . she'll stab me to death . no such nonsense is enyertained here. I'm just waiting to move out yet they're behaving like this. I don't want anyone. so tired and exhausted of never giving up and the things which have togo through.

so I'm a very easily irritated person. I'm a little insecure about the way my body looks so I usually just take selfies. I don't like taking pictures of my body.

Today, my family and I went to this one place it was very beautiful. I told them I just wanted to take a selfie. Then my sister keeps on asking me why not, why not, I got a little irritated. Then she said that I don't even want to take pictures with my own mother. The way she talks always makes me look bad.

Now my mother is taking her side saying why did I act out. She always makes me ruin the mood. Because everyone knows how I am so they never blame my sister. They blame me because I'm the one that got mad. I never said I didn't want to take pictures I just wanted to take selfies only that's all.

And somehow I'm the problem again.

She always does this. She always pushes me to the edge. I get mad. I'm the problem.

Just because of a single picture, to them I ruined the whole experience

It all started a year ago when I made what I thought was the best decision of my life. At 31, I believed it was time to leave my stable job in IT behind and dive into the world of entrepreneurship. With big dreams and a heart full of optimism, I launched my very own startup, a SaaS platform I was sure would revolutionize the industry. Like, genuinely, who knew the wave of AI would come crashing down like this?? I figured I had everything planned perfectly. But, man, was I wrong...

The competition was like nothing I could have ever imagined!!! Random people, just like me, were popping up everywhere, launching their own startups left and right. It was as if every corner I turned, there was a new challenger, a new innovation, leaving me perpetually chasing my own tail. The market felt saturated, and I started to doubt whether I even stood a chance in this vast ocean of tech geniuses. Every day felt like a losing battle and my once-thriving enthusiasm quickly turned into a somber reality.

To add insult to injury, finding my footing back into the job market has been nothing short of a nightmare. Who would have thought that stepping out for a bit would make re-entry so darn difficult??? I compiled my resume, updated my LinkedIn, and started the arduous process of networking, only to find out most employers were more interested in AI-savvy candidates or fresh graduates with the latest knowledge. Can you blame them, though? I mean, keeping up with technology nowadays feels like chasing a bullet train. Nonetheless, my confidence has taken a serious hit...

It's not that I regret my decision to pursue my own path, but, wow, it's been one heck of a ride that's left me questioning my choices. Why didn't anyone tell me that sometimes chasing your dreams smashes you right smack into a brick wall?? I asked myself if maybe I'd been too hopeful, too naïve, to think that an idea alone would secure success. I wonder how many others out there have been in my shoes, finding themselves between a rock and a hard place, trying to crawl out. It's tough, and I definitely did not anticipate this level of difficulty.

Looking back, one might call it a "learning experience," but I'm just trying to pick up the pieces now. At least, the lessons I've learned along the way could fill a book! But hey, life isn't about regrets, it's about moving forward, right? Though my venture didn't pan out as I had hoped, maybe another door will open... eventually. In the meantime, I'll keep pushing through, exploring new avenues, and retaining the hope that tomorrow might bring better opportunities! 😉 Am I alone in this, or are there others who feel this struggle, too??

i have been sh free for four years and that ended today. but today i realized almost everyday for the past four years ive thought about sh or wanting to kms but i just convinced myself that the depression diagnoisis is wrong and that im happy and content with my life when everything has been wrong. everyday i wake up and wish i died in my sleep or driving to school in a car crash or maybe something would fall on me or i would just be unlucky and fall through a floor or something. ive never told this to anyone ever. my world has been crashing down on me this year i hate me i hate college apps i hate life and school and everything. i am confused and sad and tired. help

[Translated from Ukrainian. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

I stayed silent about this for a long time. A very long time. But, apparently, the time has finally come to tell the truth. Not polished, not “neat,” but real.

These two years of my relationship were not just a difficult period for me. They were two years that broke me morally, emotionally, and psychologically. And I know that many people do not even realize just how deeply.

It all started beautifully. Truly beautifully. It was happiness, joy, teenage passion, the feeling that I was needed, loved, chosen. I believed in him. I believed in us. I believed that if a person looked at you a certain way, said certain words, promised certain things, then it was not for nothing. Back then I really did love, and I gave myself sincerely.

Then I got pregnant. And from that moment, a completely different reality began.

It was not just shock. It was fear, guilt, panic, an inner rupture.

The choice of whether to keep or get rid of the child. And at the same time, his pleading to keep the baby. His words that he would stay by my side. That he would do everything for us. That he would not leave. That he would handle it. That I would not be alone. That he would be a man, a father, a support.

I believed him.

And then reality began to completely destroy me. His broken promises, betrayals, lies, screenshots of messages, unfamiliar girls in our home, while I was in labor, when I was in my most vulnerable state and was texting him about how scared and how much pain I was in. Every new betrayal tore me to pieces, every lie was another blow to my psyche.

Financial dependence was finishing me off in its own way. When you are morally exhausted, with a child who needs constant attention, and you realize that your stability depends on a person who keeps hurting you, it is a trap. You live in constant fear and tension. The fear of his outbursts of aggression, of broken things, haunted me all the time.

Taking care of the child also became a heavy burden. Because of stress, I lost my milk at six months. I felt guilt, confusion, and despair, because I wanted to give my child everything, and I could not. That only added even more inner tension and a sense of helplessness.

My inner world was collapsing. Questions kept spinning in my head: “Why am I alive?” “Maybe it would be better if I were gone?” And these were not just sad thoughts. It was the scream of a psyche that could no longer endure it.

Self-harm became a way to survive. At first it was pulling out my hair, then a failed suicide attempt, then cutting. It was despair, a scream inside myself, an attempt to let out pain that could not find a way out. And it was a real, honest feeling that shows just how deeply broken I was.

And the worst part was that in those moments there was no one who could fully accept me. I wrote to ChatGPT. It was the only way to speak out, to pour out all the brokenness, fear, betrayal, despair, nervous breakdowns, financial dependence, fear of explosions and aggression. I wrote to it when I did not know where to put all this pain, when I wanted to simply stop the whole world and feel nothing.

Every day was a battle. Every minute was a test. I was fighting him, the fear, myself, my own emotions. I was losing peace, health, inner safety. I looked at the world through stress and a constant sense of danger.

Many times I waited, many times I forgave, many times I hoped he would change. But reality was merciless. And it was not because I was “not enough.” It was because not everything can be endured, even if you give a person everything.

Now the situation feels like it is on the verge of ending. I do not know exactly what stage the relationship is in, but I feel that the end is near. And that brings both fear and relief at the same time.

These two years taught me an unbelievable amount: about myself, about pain, about boundaries, about my own strength. I understood that even among fear, betrayals, financial dependence, stress, and self-harm, it is possible to preserve yourself. And I am holding on, because I know: I will be able to live on, even after everything that happened.

P.S.

“Teenage passion” — because it started when I was 15.

I got pregnant at 16.

I gave birth just before turning 17.

I will be 18 soon.

And the scariest thing in this story is that all of this was lived through not by a grown woman.

But by me — a child.

im 17 and a guy and honestly i dont like myself at all. not in the fake sad way people post for attention either, i mean i legit look at myself and feel pissed off. every morning before school i already feel annoyed cause i know its gonna be the same stupid day again. i wake up tired, stare at my face in the mirror, and it just starts there. my hair never sits right, my skin looks like crap, my eyes always look dead, and even when i try to fix it i still look like some awkward dumbass who got dressed in the dark. then i go to school and it gets worse cause i feel weird around everybody. dudes in my class joke around like its easy, they know how to talk, how to be loud, how to not care. i stand there thinking too much about where to put my hands like some idiot. teachers talk to me like im either lazy or broken, maybe both. i got this math teacher who always says “you need to apply yourself” and i swear i wanna tell him to shut up cause maybe i would if i didnt feel like garbage every second. last week he asked me to solve something on the board and i just froze. like full blank brain. people laughed, not even loud, that worse quiet laugh where they look at each other. i went back to my seat feeling hot in the face and trying not to look like i cared, but i did care, a lot. thats the thing. everything gets stuck in my head for hours. one dumb moment and i keep replaying it all day like my brain is trying to beat the crap out of me. you ever hate yourself so much that even normal stuff feels personal. like somebody bump into you in the hall and suddenly you feel like yeah of course, even the hallway knows im a loser.

school is hell mostly because i cant stop comparing myself to everybody and i always lose. there this one dude in my grade, not even trying hard, gets good marks, girls talk to him, teachers like him, and im sitting there with a half dead pen and a backpack full of crumpled papers smelling like old lunch. i tried to do better this year, i really did. bought a notebook, made a schedule, told myself “stop being a useless piece of crap and fix it.” lasted maybe 4 days. then i missed one homework, then two, then i stopped opening the school app cause i didnt wanna see more missing work. my mom keeps asking why im “so moody” and i say im just tired, but really i dont even know how to explain this without sounding pathetic. its like i got no solid version of myself. at school im too quiet so people think im stuck up or weird. at home im angry for no reason and slam doors then feel like trash after. one time in english class we had to read our writing out loud and mine was about some random movie cause i didnt wanna say anything real. this girl behind me whispered “he always sounds like hes about to cry” and bro, that messed me up way more then it should of. i laughed like i didnt hear it, but i heard every damn word. after class i went to the bathroom and just stood in a stall doing nothing cause i knew if i looked at my face id wanna punch the mirror. i dont even have some huge tragic backstory, thats what makes me feel more stupid. nobody beat me up, nobody ruined my whole life, im just me and i cant stand me. my voice sounds annoying, my body feels wrong, my thoughts are ugly, and im sick of pretending im gonna magically become one of those chill people who just “gain confidence.” how. seriously how? people say be yourself like thats some good advice, but what if yourself is the exact problem 😒

and yeah i know some people got it worse, i know that already, so dont start with that crap. knowing other people suffer dont suddenly make me like my own face or fix the knot in my chest every time i walk into class. i hate how insecure i am. i hate how i can remember one embarassing thing from 3 years ago more clearly then anything useful for a test. i hate that i want people to like me while also wanting everybody to leave me the hell alone. my friends, if i can even call them that, make jokes and i laugh along, but half the time i go home wondering if they actually think im annoying. probably. i talk too little until i talk too much, then i replay that too. a few days ago at lunch i dropped my drink all over the floor, and it wasnt even some giant scene, but i felt my stomach drop like i wanted to disappear. i mumbled sorry to the lunch lady and she was nice about it, which somehow made it worse. when people are nice to me i dont feel better, i feel exposed, like they can tell im barely holding my crap together. i keep thinking maybe if i got better grades, or looked better, or was funnier, or stronger, or less weird, then maybe i wouldnt hate myself this much. but then i also think maybe im just built wrong from the start. thats the ugly truth. i dont like being me. not my head, not my habits, not the way i fold under pressure, not the way i act tough and then go home and overthink every stupid thing. and the worst part is i still gotta wake up tomorrow and drag this same self back to school again like im forced to carry around a person i cant stand. so yeah, thats it. i don't like myself. does anybody else feel that nasty kind of hate where you cant even escape it cause its literally your own damn head every single day.

My family is messed up. We weren’t the perfect family but we loved each other, we supported each other however everything went downhill when my father lost his job unfairly a while ago. Since then there has been constant fights, our relatives cornered us because we don’t really have any “importance” anymore. And to make matters worse our dad cheated on our mom! He swore on us that he would never do that ever again but 8 months later, me and my sibling caught him doing it again! How wonderful.

My mom can’t even divorce him and leave because my mom never really got to finish her university education and does not have the financial stability. Me and my younger sibling are still students thus we are still UPSETTINGLY dependent on him, even though I do part time jobs it can’t ever be enough to cover up the costs.

I don’t understand, he says we don’t give him time but we try despite our busy schedule as students. I have to manage scholarships + 2 tuitions + my own studies together which barely gives me time to sleep but I still try to be there for them, all of my siblings do and so does my mom. But it is never enough for him. He is a good dad but god I don’t even want to keep connections with him after I leave this household.

I feel hopeless at this point, I wish I could run away with my siblings to a happier place away from my family nonsense. I genuinely wish my parents never got married and had us, sometimes it feels like it’s making everyone miserable.

my best friend and I naturally drifted when we went to different universities. I love her sm, and we once thought we liked each other? dated for maybe a week before realising our feelings were platonic. she got a boyfriend now, and I'm happy for her but it also stings to no longer be her closest person, like she is to me.

also makes me feel so jealous. I'm so ugly and no one has ever shown romantic interest in me. I want a partner so bad, but it feels like nobody wants me. and I understand that without working on myself, a partner won't heal me, but it wouldn't kill for someone to make me feel loved :(

my group of friends has me, my bestie, one couple and another person who's across the country still studying. without telling us, my bestie, her bf and the couple planned a double date in London (I don't study in London, they do).

when I heard, a few weeks ago, I was kinda confused and wondered if I could join. my bestie said 'ofc!!' so I thought nothing of it. then she only asks me day of (yesterday), early in the morning when she knows I'm never awake if I wanted to join. she said she wasn't sure if I was back in London, but I told her on Sunday that I was. I didn't see her message til 12, by that point it's too late, so I declined.

I guess I also didn't want to intrude. they made plans without me, but I really wasn't sure if it was because of the double date aspect, or if she really forgot I would be in London. and I responded in a way that wouldn't make her feel bad.

I put our conversation below to show.

I guess I left it at that, I tried not to think about it so it wouldn't bother me. then today, I saw their tiktoks and posts together and I just started bawling. I feel so unloved, like I'm so insecure. I know it wasn't on purpose but I've never felt left out with my group, and now I do. like I know it was a double date but like, we r a group?? why would it have been so bad to invite me?

it's already been a shitty day, with me remembering how terrible my childhood was. I was constantly bullied for my weight, and my looks, and even when I became anorexic and became underweight, nobody seemed to be attracted to me. I think a lot of this is just stemming from my own insecurities but I've been feeling this way for a long time that I've sjust been stuck in it.

I don't hold it against them, I'm just so deep in self hatred since childhood that I'm taking this so personally and idk what to do. :((( it just feels like this safe group of people, the ones that never made me feel insecure, is slowly breaking due to distance and other relationships. and it hurts, it hurts to see everyone around you find someone, and yet nobody has ever expressed attraction to you. it hurts so bad. I really just hate myself so much.

sorry it's so long.