Life Stories and Everyday Drama

This is something I noticed growing up and even now; it's that I feel like relationships/dating feel more fun than friendships. This is more about online connections. In real life? I think both could be equally as fun. I feel bad for feeling this way tho because it's known that I should want them both equally but I don't.

Maybe it's the secretive aspect I like, talking to guys I find attractive online since I'm closeted and a way to express that. It could be because there are clear rules on what to do in dating but with friendships...it feels like a free world where I don't know what the objection is, referring to really online ones. I can't maintain a proper relationship cause of my insecurities (romantic or platonic).

I tried talking to people online and making friends again but it all seems useless, I'm not enjoying anything, I'm just going by the rules and texting, asking, all that stupid social shit. I don't actually feel anything for the person I'm talking to so I just leave because what's the point? I know now that time doesn't mean anything, time doesn't equal a good friendship. I thought about what I actually wanted to do with friends and it's actually simple and what I wanted to do since I was young which was play video games and even voice chat but I feel like I need to do the normal and boring stuff before playing any games of voice chatting, otherwise I'll just be seen as weird and fast. Tho it's not like I tried so maybe people won't mind.

I have interests and things I like doing but it's not like I can yap about my interests, only during specific times. Tho most my interests are low-key childish, Its a bit hard to make friends at 18. I feel like most adults are grounded in their identity and know who they are, a bit of sadness carries around them.

I just haven't been talking to people, I feel like even if I see a person irl or online, I have no idea how to approach irl, I feel like I should only do that at gatherings where it makes sense to meet people. Online? Idk why but I feel like it wouldn't end well if I tried.

Any advice is appreciated 🩷🖤

I am in a very bad period right now and I keep asking the same dumb question, what happens when you cry too much, because I think I am doing some kind of damage and nobody says anything usefull about it. I do not mean one dramatic cry and then sleep. I mean a stupid repeated event, like my body is running a broken program and the output is tears, pain, more tears. My eyes burn all day. The skin under them is red and sore and kind of hot. My nose keeps switching between blocked and leaking and I am honestly sick of this gross fluid circus. My head feels packed with pressure, mostly around the forehead and sinuses, and I cannot tell if that is stress, inflammation, fatigue, dehydration, or just me going to hell in small pieces. Have you ever cried so much your throat hurt after even when you were not even speaking anymore? Because that keeps happening to me and it feels absurd. My chest gets tight. My breathing goees weird. I try to regulate it like some proper adult with self-control and then some tiny useless thing happens and I break again. People keep saying crying is healthy and that is such lazy crap. Too much of anything becomes wear and tear. That is basic logic. The autonomic system goes into overdrive, pulse elevated, muscles rigid, stomach unstable, sleep architecture ruined. Yes I know how that sounds, too clinical maybe, but what else am I supposed to call it when my whole body acts like it is under constant load. I drink water and still feel dry. I close my eyes and they twitch. I sit still and my face feels swollen and wrong, like it belongs to some miserable stranger. Maybe that is normal; maybe I am just weak and making it bigger in my own head, but I do not think so. I think the body can only process so much crying before it starts billing you for it. That is what this feels like. A bill. A penalty. A system notice saying I exceeded tolernce and now every part is irritated.

What makes it worse is that I do not even cry for one clean reason now, which would at least make sense. It used to be one event, one loss, one insult, one actual cause. Now it is procedural and embarassing. I spill coffee, I cry. I answer a message, I cry. I cannot find socks, I cry, which is pathetic and yes I know it sounds stupid as hell. Last week I cried in the shower so long my legs felt weak after and I had to sit on the floor because standing felt too complex for me at that point. Yesterday I cried before eating, during eating, and after, which is disgusting and probably not ideal if we are pretending I am a functioning person. My appetite is unstable. My stomach does this acid thing, then hollow, then nausea, then nothing. Sleep is fragmented and thin. Concentration is bad. I read the same line three times and still do not absorb it. Cognition feels blunted, like every crying episode strips off one more layer of function and leaves me dumber and slower. Maybe I am overstatng it. Maybe I am not. I doubt everything now, including basic symptoms, because being like this makes you feel insane and cheap. But I can still observe facts. I get headaches, facial pain, shaky hands, fatigue, dry mouth, a sore throat, and this ugly emotional hangover that does not clear by morning. I become rude because I am tired and honestly angry. I sound formal because if I say it plain I will probably just start swearing like a complete animal. So here is the direct version. I do not know how my body could react if this keeps going. Maybe nothing dramatic happens. Maybe I just keep degrading in these small, mean, stupid ways until this becomes my standard operating condition. That thought scares me more than one big collapse, actualy. Slow failure is still failure, and I am tired of pretending this is just sadness when it feels more like prolonged physical malfunction.

(Is this the right category?...)

I’ll start here>> My dad is very experienced with technology, so naturally, I’ve had it limited a lot more than other people. From the first second I got my first computer, my dad checked my web history daily and knew how to actually shut off the internet completely for specific devices, or the whole thing just in general. As I’ve grown up, I’ve watched the other kids around me getting phones at a young age, and becoming popular because they had social media and other things I wasn’t allowed to have. I just accepted the fact that popularity has always been reliant on material things, whether people accept it or not. Today in one of my classes, the teacher asked what age everyone got an iPad and/or a phone. We shared it with her and the class (optional but I chose to). While the rest of my class said around 3rd grade for an iPad, I said 7th. And for the phone, a lot of my class said around 5th or 6th grade, and I said 8th. I came to a realization that, for the most part, a lot of other teenagers got a chance to grow up and experience this responsibility while I was held back because my dad said that devices are dangerous for me and will rot my brain like a zombie. I never believed him or cared, I just wanted to feel normal. Another question my teacher asked was when kids in my class got social media. A lot of them said when they got an iPhone, I still don’t have it. My dad always complains about me sneaking onto social media, but, I mean, can you blame me? I’ve been disconnected from the kids in my grade from this and lost my chance of having a big social circle just because my dad (and mom) couldn’t handle the idea of me on social media. They say it’s because I used to sneak around with it, but, again I’ll say it, it’s because I had to take advantage of the time that I had. Tonight I told my dad that I still didn’t understand why I didn’t have social media, because I’ve been overly safe with it in the past and would like to have it on my phone, but the kids in my grade use it way less maturely and safely than me and still have it. I blamed it on his knowledge of tech. Even if it is safer, I need to be able to learn from my mistakes, and if having social media is one like my parents said, I’ll learn. They can’t hide me from the real world forever.

My girlfriend of four years always has this habit when she's get angry toward me, no matter how small or petty the mistake is, she'd call me names, insults me like i value nothing, she'd say that she regrets having me as her boyfriend, or even regretting the fact that she did introduced me to her family. It hurts me a lot, until it gets to the point where i can't feel anything anymore when she does that, i've always been trying to be the best boyfriend she'd ever had, but i can't seem to earn her trust and i think i can't do it anymore. I must admit, however...she is a quite attractive woman, my type, but i can't bear the feelings when she'd got mad, i've always trying to control myself just because she won't get angry at me. It drains me a lot, so bad. I've also always been trying to be loyal, faithful toward her, and loving, anything, i put all my efforts for her, because i really do love her so much. I held her hands, reassured her when she'd overthink about anything, writing love letters, and whatnots, but i guess i can't make her fully happy with me. Well, i admit, i have my own mistakes too, i'm not a saint or something, but i'd never, never call names toward her, or even abusing her in any way, i don't know if i deserve this or not, i just need to vent. Thank you, fellow anonyms, that's all.

i am 17 and i already know my family is rotten in the most boring and stupid way possible!!! not movie evil, not dramatic rich people evil, just the same ugly garbage every day!!! my mom acts nice in front of people and then comes home and starts picking at everything i do!!! my dad talks like he is some expert on life when really he just likes hearing himself be loud!!! my older brother copies them because being cruel is easier than having a brain, i guess??? they talk to me like i am a problem sitting in a chair, like i am some broken thing they are forced to keep around!!! if i stay quiet, they say i am rude!!! if i answer, they say i have an attitude!!! what exactly do they want then??? a wall that says sorry???

the worst part is how normal they think this is!!! they insult, mock, watch, judge, and then pretend it is just family stuff!!! they say i am too sensitive, but that is lazy trash people say when they do not want blame on them!!! every small thing becomes a lecture!!! i leave a cup somewhere, suddenly i am useless!!! i get a bad grade, suddenly i am ruining my future!!! i get a good grade, suddenly it is not enough because someone else did better!!! there is no stable rule here!!! the rule changes every hour depending on who wants to dump their bad mood on me!!! does that sound like care to you??? because to me it sounds like control with fake concern glued on top of it!!! i watch them carefully now, and it is always the same pattern!!!

so yeah, i want to escape from them!!! i am not even being dramatic, i am being practical!!! i do not mean i want some giant revenge scene or a speech or one of those fake healing talks!!! i mean i want out!!! i want a door that shuts and stays shut!!! i want one room where nobody checks my face, my phone, my tone, my steps, my food, my time, my friends!!! i save what money i can, which is not much, and i keep a list in my head of places i could maybe go when i turn 18!!! maybe work, maybe a tiny room, maybe some ugly apartment with thin walls and bad heat!!! honestly that still sounds better than this house!!! at least a bad apartment does not insult you at breakfast and then call it love!!!

i am not saying i am perfect!!! i get angry!!! i say sharp things back sometimes!!! i stop caring sometimes too, because what is the point of acting nice with people who feed on it??? but being flawed is not the same as being the cause of all this!!! that is the lie they keep pushing because it helps them sleep!!! i do not know if leaving will fix everything!!! maybe i will still feel messed up after!!! maybe i will doubt every calm person because this house trained me to wait for the hit after the smile!!! still, staying here feels worse and dumber every month!!! so i look at them like a fact, not a family!!! toxic people, limited value, high damage!!! simple enough!!! and if you are reading this and thinking i should just forgive them, based on what exactly???

My life has been pretty miserable. I believe in fighting until you can't fight anymore so I don't plan on stopping anytime soon, although I really wish I could. I've been dealing with depression since I was 11. My family dynamics are pretty much my dad controls everything and everyone, my mom enforces his will, and we obey or get shunned. I'm isolated, so the only way to escape is to run away and I promised myself I wouldn't do that until I can take my younger siblings with me. No transportation, no outside family, no friends no connections. I was taught from a young age that everyone is evil, and that they can benefit me nothing. I don't believe that, but it has made it very hard to trust people and be honest. Being isolated from the outside world+your family being the most influential people in your life creates a very "interesting" environment to put it nicely. Its like a tide. Everyone adopts the same way of thinking as my parents have, and if you make a mistake, its very easy for it to feel like you are the worst person to ever exist. They don't believe in mental illness, and anything that cant be physically proven is pretty much scoffed at or joked about. If you are struggling from a eating disorder, you have too much food, if you struggle with mental health, you are weak, if you cant sleep and are hearing voices, you need to find god, If you want to get help, everyone is going to treat you like a freak...its going to ruin any chances of you having a good life. Because of this, I've stopped telling my siblings about alot of things (talking to my dad and mom is pointless). I've been looking online for remote jobs, but so far no luck. My mental health is getting worse. I've tried everything that doesn't require therapy or professional help (since I can't pay for it at this time) but it only transforms whatever is eating at me, and making it less obvious to detect. I go for weeks thinking I'm helping myself but I'm just hurting myself even more. I'm isolating from everyone, including my family. I had online "friends" if you can call them that but I cut ties with them because I can't maintain relationships anymore. I have no energy for anything or anyone. I wake up everyday and do something, even if its clean, although all I want to do is rot in one place. I want to be an actress, so thats been keeping me busy. I get these spurts of motivated though, and it feels so amazing. Its like everything is bright and my life is so perfect and I'm going to change the world If i were given the right opportunity to show the world my ideas. When I'm experiencing this its like the world has a filter. Everything is so bright, everyone looks amazing, It feels like I'm high. Then after 3 days it all ends and I feel like shit for the rest of the month lol then repeat. Its draining. I feel like every idea I have t are lies. I don't know how someone like me will ever get anywhere in life. As if fighting tooth and nail to study without education or the right resources wasn't enough, now I have the weight of low moods + other mental hiccups that make every step I take feel like I am dragging the world behind me. All of my life has been in poverty. And not to bash on my parents too bad but it couldve been prevented. But they are actually taking steps to make sure I cannot be independent, and if I want to be, its the hardest option to get there. They are sabotaging, but I cant do anything about it unless I run away, and if I run away I will have nothing. I know that life isn't rainbows, but fuck I'm trying to be the best person I can be with what I got but im losing myself. The person I used to be, in this quest of "fighting" and not giving up is killing the person I used to be. I don't recognize myself. I don't share my life story because I fear others will hear and just chalk it up to being "lazy". I feel as if my life was stolen from me, and now I'm trying to get it back, but I dont know if there is hope for me.

Does it sound like I'm blaming others for my bad luck, or does it actually sound like I'm trying everything I can do get out of this?

A couple of years ago, I had a fight with my dad over getting my device taken away from me. While I was leaving the argument, I slammed the door behind me due to how pissed I was. My dad proceeded to open the door, grab my wrists and give me a huge smack and yell at me. My sister and mum were away at this moment so I went to cry on the couch without an apology.

A few years later, we go to this cat cafe one day to shoot the breeze. He tells me he booked an appointment but going up to the receptionist, she says the appointment didn't register. He starts yelling and complaining while I'm just standing there awkwardly. I look over to the only customer in the waiting room and he looks awkward too. I remember while walking out of the building I heard him say something about leaving a negative review on the business' google page and I'm just over it. It was only half an hour later at a shopping centre where on top of that embarrassing moment he kept on yelling at me that I own barely any clothes that I broke down where he continue badgering me about why I was crying (read the room, dipshit).

Tonight I was eating dinner with my dad and sister, I put in yoghurt into my food and said to my dad "you put out yoghurt instead of sour cream" which we typically put on this meal instead. I give him sort of a joking-annoyed face and he suddenly goes ballistic about my attitude (the pot calls the kettle black...) and basically throws the sour cream and a spoon onto the table. I continued eating my dinner in silence and then went to my room. An hour later he comes in and apologises, which would have been fine but he gets anger at these small things so frequently that I'm having a hard time accepting it but basically says that its my fault for having an attitude.

These are only a few instances of shitty things he's done because if I listed them all, this post would be a novel. I'm just so sick of him. He's such a miserable sod and so damn hypocritical that I'm surprised my parents are still together when its obvious my mum is afraid of him too (for instance, after another 'yelling at employee' incident, my sister starts to complain and mum basically responds with "let's just see how he goes" instead of doing anything about it). I like to think I'm a forgiving person and I try to give the benefit of the doubt but he makes it so damn difficult. It feels like I'm walking on eggshells every time I do something remotely mean-spirited. I honestly might just dump him in a retirement village when I'm older if this continues.

My school has started, but it's online. I'm in 9th now. And right now, why not expect this? Everyone acts so serious about their careers, but you know what's funny? They don't care by 10th. Why is my family treating this like this is good for my career, when I'm only 14? Not that they're super adamant about it, but fuck 'em. I'm tired of being nice or kind or accommodating. Where has it gotten me? Tired, alone, friendless, and fucking losing my shit every 5 seconds now with people's BS. I wanna drink a beer, but I'm too young and it tastes bad. Remember my MEFCC post? That's all in the fucking past! Fuck! It's postponed to September, but hey, I didn't book any tickets. I didn't commit, so I can just NOT GO to be normal. To be an adult. I wanted to so badly be accepted, with people like me, but growing up is realizing life will never go your way and the only person with you is you. I hated this, but now, I'm just sleepy, this means I've accepted this truth. There is already too much going on. My school is online, Dubai is getting bombed by Iran, MEFCC got postponed, my exams are on June, I'm with the same class who excluded me, and everyday, I am convinced kindness hasn't gotten me anywhere. Fuck! I gave up the dream. It was a dream after all. The dream to have a good time at school, to have fun in an event with folks like me, to try again in exams and succeed in it, to dress up and have fun, to just be. But it's a dream, I've accepted it. I've come to terms with the fact that everything is pointless until it is perfect. By that logic, I'm worthless. I wouldn't care if I passed or failed exams, or if I went or not, I wouldn't even care. When you fail once, the best thing is to give up. It's easy. Adults live life easy. Don't try to reach godhood when you're mortal. Don't try to aim for niche or freelancing when you're the only scummy, sick scoundrel doing it. I am a fucking cunty scoundrel.

Living together for a month now, but honestly, it feels like we barely share a word. I'm 23, and I moved in with my boyfriend eager to see where life's adventure takes us. Only I didn't expect most of our conversations to orbit around crypto currencies or him dreaming up the ultimate SaaS powered by AI... Of course, it's important to him, but where’s the part where we talk about our day, or laugh at dumb memes together? He’s either buried deep in his work or scrolling through his phone like it's a third limb, sometimes I feel like I'm a ghost drifting through my own home; invisible, unheard.

I’m not asking for serenades under the moonlight or love notes slipped under my pillow, just some basic human connection. But when I bring it up (rarely), he’s often too busy calculating ROI or trading stats to notice the void growing between us. So here I am, wondering: what am I even supposed to talk about with him, when it seems pretty clear his mind is hardwired to the blockchain and AI algorithms? I occasionally try bringing up topics outside his tech bubble, but then it’s crickets from his side. It's like I'm speaking in an alien language.

Maybe it's cliché, but we genuinely didn’t sign up for this distant cohabitation, right? Moving in together was supposed to be about growing closer, sharing experiences, but I feel like I'm vividly relaying them to a wall sometimes. So what do others talk about when you feel disconnected? Or am I just expecting too much from this relationship already? Maybe I should jump into his world?? but how do I show interest in global crypto market trends when I barely understand what they mean? If this sounds familiar to anyone, how do you leap the chasm and bridge this gap? Or should I just accept that maybe, awkward silences are our new normal?🤷‍♀️

I (19-year-old male) told my mother I was gay today.

To start with, I've know i was gay for years yet I've never told anyone, not a friend, not an acquaintance, and especially not a family member. The though of coming out was near paralyzing to me, i feared so much. I feared I'd be shunned, i fear they'd treat me differently, i fear they'd kick me out, I fear loosing the people I loved(my family).

However, recently I started watching a show, Heartstopper. It's quiet a warm pallet cleanser of a show, and yet It gave me the push of courage i needed. As such, I decided I wanted to tell my mother, the person I love and am closest to in my family.

I tried to temper my nerves the night before, I wrote motivation on my arm(I'm ready, I'm wonderful, & I'm strong), listened to music, prepared words to say, etc... and yet my nerves didn't loosened much(I could barely fall asleep). Even with these nerves, i managed to push myself through the anxiety and start the talk.

Now it wasn't smooth, it wasn't perfectly direct at first, but It was the best I could do. I literally started it with the question "Are you good at keeping secrets?", thankfully my mother seemed to sense that I wanted to say something. Eventually, after much internal struggle I managed to get to the hardest part, just saying "I'm gay".

She actually reacted with such kindness that I didn't expect. She didn't deny my feelings, she held my hand, she said "I love you". I'm honestly getting a bit teary just thinking of this. In my head, I had so many fears and doubt about how she might handle this, yet she took it so well.

She even said she "kinda suspected it", that she had a hunch from when i was 2 and i pointed at a hot guy on the cover of one of her romance novels and said "I like him" which is so silly. I don't ever think I felt so relieved as i did in this moment.

Now don't get me wrong, my body was still in fight, flight, or freeze, and so i kind of ran away soon after to process everything that just happened.

Overall, I just wanted to share this recent moment of my life that touched me deeply, and gives me hope within my many fears and doubts.

i am 31, a woman, and this is a plain report from the wreckage, not a dramatic one. my husband and i signed the divorce papers recently, after 5 years together, and the official reason was infertility, which is a clinical word that still lands like a brick. we did the fertility workup, the hormone panels, the timed schedules, and the consults with soft voices and hard numbers, and the output was the same: no kids, no forward plan. he wanted a family in the standard format, and i could not supply the deliverable. the strange part is i still love him in a stable, low-noise way. there was no scandal, no affair, no villain. people keep saying “time heals all wounds,” but how long does it take to forget someone when the bond was not toxic, only incomplete?

i ask that because forgetting does not look like deletion to me. it looks like data migration, where old files keep showing up in the wrong folder. i still know what coffee he bought, how he cleared his throat before saying something serious, how he stood in doorways like he was waiting for a cue. these are not useful metrics now, but they remain in storage. i can explain the divorce in detached terms: incompatible life goals, failed reproduction timeline, emotional resource depletion, mutual decision under stress. that makes it sound neat, and it was not neat. it was just quiet. the lawyers divided assets, closed the case, and everybody was polite, which almost made it worse. no one tells you that a civil ending can leave the biggest afterimage. i loved him before the marriage, during the marriage, and also after the legal offboarding; i think that is the bug in the system. some nights i do root cause analysis on my own body, like maybe if i trace the defect far enough i can bargain with it. then i remember i am a person, not a factory line.

still, the trend line is not hopeless, and that matters. i am sleeping a little better than last month. i eat without treating food like medicine. i went outside yesterday and the air did not feel like a punishment. this is minor progress, but progress is still progress. maybe forgetting is not the key performance indicator anyway. maybe the better question is whether a person can remember someone without collapsing around the memory. i think that is where i am heading, slowly and badly, but still heading. i keep hearing, “the only way out is through,” and i hate how useful it is. i do not believe i will never love anyone again, even if my brain keeps filing him as the main reference point. i also do not believe my life is over because one plan failed in production. if you have loved someone good and lost them for reasons that were not evil, did the feeling fade, or did it just change temperature? i want an honest answer. for now, i am trying to be kind to the woman in this case file, which is me, and i think she may become someone i can trust with a future again.

I heard some rough news the other day about a colleague, let's call him John. It's left me pretty stumped on what to say, honestly. Imagine this: John's world took a massive nosedive. First, he lost his wife. Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, the guy finds out he's been let go after dedicating 20 years to the same company. That’s some heavy baggage to carry. How do you even start to offer words of support to someone in that situation? It's like trying to find the right formula to express sympathy, but nothing seems to add up.

It's not like there's a manual or a script for situations like this, right? I mean, what can you possibly say that doesn't sound hollow or cliché? You could try those typical lines about staying strong or how things will get better, but who am I kidding? They fall flat pretty quick when you're staring down such harsh realities. You ever wonder if words really hold any power in the grand scheme? 🤔 Or do we rely on them just because silence feels too awkward?

John’s been a cornerstone in the company’s projects. You know how it is; dealing with complex deliverables and navigating industry-specific challenges. Now, after investing two decades of his life into this, he's dealing with a layoff. It must feel like an algorithm gone wrong. How does one process that kind of loss? I can’t even begin to wrap my head around being in his shoes, managing grief of losing his lifetime partner while the next moment, facing unemployment. Brutal combination, isn't it? 😟

I guess when you think about offering support, maybe it's less about what you say and more about being present. But even then, I doubt just being there fills that void, you know? It's like giving a temporary patch to a permanent problem. Do you think offering help with practical matters does more than empty words? Like assisting in job searches or sharing industry contacts? Maybe that’s a better approach than fumbling with comforting words that barely skim the surface of what he's going through.

Have you ever been in a situation where you're just at a loss for words, and it feels like whatever you say is going to miss the mark by miles? I'm wondering if there's a way to navigate through these waters without feeling like you're drowning alongside him. I guess all we can do is try to lend an empathetic ear, be ready when they reach out, and hope that our presence, however silent, offers some comfort. But seriously, what would you say in a situation like this?

Man, I gotta spill something. Like, I ran into my ex-wife just the other week, and it seriously messed with my head. You know how it is...went for a quick coffee and ended up in this weird emotional rollercoaster. Not that I didn't know she was still around, but spotting her after all this time was like seeing a ghost that still haunts the edges of your life. She seemed good and all, but that's not my thing anymore. Honestly, I was a bit all over the place for a day or two after. 🙄 Anyway, now I’m kind of hung up on this whole rebound relationship idea. You ever thought about it? They say jumping into something new after a breakup can help, but who's "they" anyway? Like, part of me says, "Yeah, go for it, bro!" but the other side is like, "Nah, maybe you're just trying to fill a hole and it’s not even gonna work out." You get me?

Been thinking about diming it back and not rushing into crap that doesn't even belong to me. Just cos my ex is doing alright doesn't mean I need to force myself into some setup with the next person who smiles at me. You ever feel like you’re in a race, but you’re not even sure it’s a race you wanna run? It's tricky. I mean, I’ve had times where I rebounded and times when I didn't bother, and looking back, well, I guess each had its pros and cons. Maybe some things just roll different for different people, you know? You'd think by now I'd have a concrete answer, but nah. Life's never that simple. Has anyone actually found their person on a rebound? Or do people just apply that idea like a Band-Aid, hoping it'll stick and do the trick?

And the truth is, when you're connected like I was with my ex for years, it doesn't just go away in a snap just because you meet someone new. But who am I kidding, right? People only see the surface and think you're all good. Soon as you’re not wrecked on the outside, everyone assumes you're ready to ride the dating train again. Reality check: it ain't that easy, at least not for everyone. For some, maybe it’s fine. Are rebounds basically like a relationship placebo or what? Fake it till you make it, or something like that?

I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want is to drag some poor girl into my half-baked healing process and end up making more of a mess. Just makes me wonder if it's worth it at all. I mean, does curing a broken heart with a temporary fix ever turn into something lasting? Like, damn, I don’t need to learn the hard way again. Trying to keep things chill and not dive head first into anything until I’m sure. That's just me being cautious or chicken??? pick your choice, whatever fits. ..

Bottom line, are rebounds the real deal, or are they just a lame Sunday afternoon hangover cure that never sticks 'cause it’s not addressing the real problem... just asking for a buddy, haha

I’m 17, and I keep telling myself maybe this is just what “young love” is supose to feel like, confusing and one sided and kinda humiliating, but honestly it just feels bad all the time. Like, why do I gotta beg for basic care from somebody who said “I love you” first? He used to text me goodmorning, used to ask if I ate, used to send dumb songs and say “this made me think of you,” and now I’m lucky if I get a dry “lol” after waiting 4 hours. I know people are gonna say, “maybe he’s just busy,” yeah okay, everybody says that, but nobody is busy every second of every day unless they just dont wanna talk to you. That’s the part that hurts, the not knowing mixed with knowing. Last week at school I seen him laughing with his friends, being all loud and normal, then when I walked up he got all weird and acted like I was bothering him. I said, “did I do something?” and he just shrugged. A SHRUG. Like I’m some random girl from math class and not the girl who sat on facetime with him till 2 a.m. when he was crying about his parents fighting. I remember missing the bus one morning cause I stayed outside before class just to hand him the energy drink he likes, and he forgot it in my hand and walked off. I stood there like a idiot. My friend told me, “girl, if he wanted to, he would,” and I hate that quote cause it sounds so fake deep from TikTok or whatever, but maybe it’s true. Maybe if a boy loves you, you dont spend half your time decoding one word texts like it’s some detective show. Maybe you dont feel ugly everytime he looks at his phone and smiles at something that obviously isn’t you. And before anybody says “just leave then,” do you know how hard that is when this is the same person who held your hand when you had a panic attack behind the gym and whispered, “I got you”? How do people switch up that fast? 😕 It’s like he borrowed my heart just to return it all dented and gross.

What makes me feel even more pathetic is I keep making excuses for him even while I’m crying over him. Like yesterday I stared at our old chats for over a hour, reading the parts where he called me “pretty girl” and said I was “different in a good way,” and I actually started wondering if maybe I imagined the whole thing. Isn’t that messed up? To be treated so weird that you start distrusting your own memory. I asked him straight up a few days ago, “do you even still want me?” and he said, “idk, stop making everything so serious.” Stop making everything serious??? Sorry I thought being your girlfriend meant I was allowed to care when you act like I’m annoying for breathing. I’m so tired of pretending I’m chill. I’m not chill. I overthink everything, I reread messages, I notice when his voice is different, I notice when he says “gn” instead of “goodnight <3”, I notice when he posts and ignores me at the same time. It makes me feel crazy, and maybe I am a little, but can you blame me?? My mom says highschool relationships are “practice,” like wow thanks, cool, so I’m practice for being unwanted? 😭 Sometimes I think maybe he doesnt love me because there’s just something wrong with me specifically. Maybe I talk to much, maybe I’m too emotional, maybe I’m not pretty enough, maybe I care in this huge messy way that scares people off. Or maybe, and this is the worst part, maybe he just liked being loved and didn’t actually love me back. That thought keeps me up forreal. Cause I gave him everything I could at 17, all my time, all my softness, all my dumb little notes and support and loyalty, and he treats it like it’s nothing. Like I’m nothing. And I know somebody in the comments is probly gonna say “you deserve better” 🙃 but why does “better” never show up when you need it? Why is it always the girl who loves hard that gets made to feel like she asked for to much? Has anyone else felt this stupid, this small, this easy to drop? I just wanna know why he doesnt love me, and why I still love him enough for it to ruin my whole day.