Life Stories and Everyday Drama

ever feel like you're somehow a magnet for blame? that's kinda been my life lately. i mean, no matter what happens, whether it's big or small, i always end up feeling like it's my fault. just last week at work, some files got misplaced. wasn't even something on my desk but there i was, spiraling into guilt as if i'd personally thrown them into the ocean.

it's like this constant loop in my head, playing over and over until i'm convinced that every mishap in the universe is directly linked to me. someone trips on the sidewalk? totally my fault for being there at that exact moment. phone dies midday? must've jinxed it somehow by complaining about battery life yesterday.

i know it sounds absurd when i say it out loud but inside, it feels very real. there's something about self-blame that grabs you like quicksand and before you know it (poof!) you're neck-deep and unable to climb out without help. it's not just affecting me mentally but also my relationships with people around me because let's be real: nobody wants to hang around with someone who's constantly down on themselves all the time.

heard this quote once that went something like 'we are our own worst critics' and honestly it's true. it's hard though trying to switch off that inner critic when it seems so deeply ingrained in who you are. makes me wonder if i'll ever break free from this exhausting cycle or if i'm destined to carrying this heavy load forever... maybe one day i'll figure it out but till then guess i'll keep trying baby steps.

good day to all of you lovely people. i find myself in a bit of a conundrum concerning the debate about self-harm being equated to a sin. recently, i had a rather intense discussion with a religious leader in my community and it has left me feeling quite perplexed. they articulated their position with fervor, citing various religious texts and interpretations that describe self-harm as immoral behavior. however, i am struggling to reconcile this view with my personal experiences and struggles;

i must admit that this conversation has only served to muddy the waters further for me. while i have engaged in self-harming behaviors in the past, it's not something i consider lightly or without due consideration. these actions are often born out of an overwhelming need for relief and not intended as acts of defiance against spiritual teachings. the suggestion that such personal struggles could be interpreted as a direct affront to faith feels deeply troubling;

my own interpretation leans towards understanding self-harm as a manifestation of mental health challenges rather than moral failings. unfortunately, i fear this nuanced perspective doesn't align well with traditional beliefs held by others who may prioritize doctrine over individual context. i'm reminded of quotes from sacred texts emphasizing love and compassion above all else – values which seem incongruous when used to judge so harshly those who are already suffering.

in my experience, conversations around topics like these tend to be fraught with tension because they touch upon deeply-held convictions on both sides. what strikes me most is how easily individuals can overlook empathy when discussing matters involving both faith and mental health issues simultaneously. there's an unfortunate tendency for misunderstanding between communities focused on adherence versus advocates promoting understanding.

perhaps someone out there can offer insight into navigating such complex spaces where spirituality intersects mental well-being? i'm genuinely interested in hearing different perspectives if you feel inclined to share yours.

every single time I'm about to step into one of those big work meetings, I swear my face just decides to turn traitor on me. you know that moment in romcoms when the character tries to play it cool but their expression gives everything away? yeah, that’s me. it doesn’t matter how many deep breaths I take or how many pep talks I give myself, my face is like, "surprise! I’m anxious!" if anxiety had a neon billboard, mine would be flashing "nervous here" for all to see. I should’ve worn a poker face last week when Janet shot me that squinty look, like she could read my mind or something.

I’ve tried all the calming techniques that are supposed to work like magic for everyone else. you know, the meditation sessions with some soothing voice promising that everything will be fine? or the deep breathing exercises that feel more like I’m prepping for childbirth than a meeting? even thought about diving into one of those self-help books that just sit there, gathering dust. fake it till you make it sounds great until you’re in the hot seat, and then poof, your confident act is gone, thrown out the window like yesterday’s trash when your face spills the beans. back in high school drama club, our coach was all about mastering non-verbal acting skills, and who knew I’d need that so much now? kind of ironic, right?

but hey, not all is lost. I had this hilarious flashback to when I was fresh out of college, sweating bullets during an internship interview. I was so nervous, trying to turn my jitters into humor, and it totally backfired. the boss laughed and thought I had guts, so I got hired. now I’m some sort of office legend because of that. they say grin and bear it works, but I tried grinning in a meeting once and it just weirded everyone out. never again! I did try a hypnotherapy app once. surprisingly good for sleep. I literally forgot about that cool cucumber phase and just need to chill a bit. maybe if I practice visualizing a relaxing beach and listen to a soothing playlist before heading into work, I might just hit the right vibe. if only I could wipe out the bad signals overnight. just imagine handling everything smoothly and staying upbeat. that would be a dream come true. I can honestly say that a few moments of poise have pulled me out of some pretty awkward situations.

at least every meeting builds a bit of resilience, right? I guess I have to keep pushing through, even if my eyes look like a rabbit caught in headlights. I’m trying to keep it flexible, grateful for the chance to craft dad jokes and compile them in my mental database. projecting that potential to break the ice with a little humor in the next hectic meeting sounds like a solid plan. just wait till Monday in my power suit. I’ll be ready for battle, wobble whispers and all!

Hi everyone! I just… i want to get things out of my chest and read about opinions or advices… anything actually

For as long as i remember i have been passive suicidal. Even as a young child i would try and drink up shampoos and the likes just to see how it’ll affect but of course back then i didnt know the word passive suicidal. I just wasnt afraid to die and not afraid to test little limits.

I grew up not physically abused - not a hit, not a yell. But i’ve just learned that trauma can also come from a “loving family”. I was “best” in most subjects, “most” in many behaviour but somehow i cant see the pride. I’ll be in honorable mentions and i will hear “it’ll be nice to be in top10” i reached top6 and i’ll hear “top5” and so on. Like even if i tried very hard there was no, you did a great job, it’ll be “it’s better if”. I got lots pf my artwork on exhibit on school but still no “good job”. Of course back then i didnt know how important reflection of pride from important people is.

I was sexually molested by a cousin and i ran to my mom. But there was no comfort. I just slept beside her, never talked about it and ny cousin never got in trouble (and i later found out that that certain cousin also molested another cousin)

In the end i stopped trying hard in school. I never failed but i wasnt in top anymore. I just let it as it is.

When i went to college, i got in a bad relationship.

i had a boyfriend - my crush and i heard he was embarrassed (i dont know what reason). I took it to heart and i ended up having a drink with a male friend (to me when i say friend, i mean it. Friend is friend). Who actually said the group’s coming over for a drink, since i was the nearest i got there first and noone was there yet he offered to start drinking i hesitated and suggested to wait but he said they’re all on the way. So of course it didnt end up well. I got drunk. VERY DRUNK that i only remember conversation while we were still alone

“Are you gonna make hot?”

“No. I have a boyfriend”

“Cmon make me hot”

“Hey i said no” and i pushed him but i passed out then and i woke up to a room with a lot of guys. I was on a lap of a guy wiping my face and whispering “hey dont ever come back here. It’s not good for you”

Then the week after was just horrible. I received messages from unknown numbers asking me to do threesome and many more of all that shit. And with all the things going i only felt like i had to talk to my bf before he hears about it from other people. So when i told him what happened he actually ended up choking me so hard i really though i was gonna die. While he was at it he repeatedly called me a whore bitch and slut. When he calmed down he said that inwas lucky to have him cos i am so dorty and unacceptable that noone will ever have me than him. That stuck to my head. He got me pregnant and shived down pills my throat and inside me so i lose the baby. I did t but i was having brown spots. And he took me to get an abortion. I was scared so i just went with him, he said he’d leave me and i’ll have to raise the child alone. I stayed in relationship with him, thankful and lucky to have him but somehow i was dying the longer we stayed together. When i refuse him on having sex he’ll get angry or force himself and repeat and repeat and repeat that i was lucky to have him cos noone will. So you knkw in the end i dont refuse him anymore i just let it without feeling anything, he doesnt even care if i finish as long as he does, in say 2-3mins.

My family helped go abroad for work. Flight, place to stay, everything so we can start out own family. I was excited… we’ll marry. Once he found a job i asked if he can start saving up so we can get married and then i’llgo there and stay with him and look for work there too. But he started refusing, saying he needs to mind his family first. Everyday for a year i begged him to marry me, he never said yes. And i lost my way… i was breaking up with him but he didnt want to but still didnt want to even just say yes to the marriage. Ao o started dating.

And it got really messy there. Because i never admitted how baf things really were between us, i was the bad guy. I still never said anything. My parents sent me in the country where he is for a few nights, they said we go talk things out. I came there to end things.

And… you know until now… more than a decade has passed… all i see are static images… i see me getting dragged across the hotel room on my hair. Being thown in front of a mirror. Him forcing himself on me in front of the mirror while i was crying “quietly” cos i dont want trouble (effect of the being molested as child and getting no help protection or talk). Him forcing me to look at myself in the mirror while does his business and still saying “see l? This your purpose. To please and be a cum dumpster”.

I became suicidal even more. Slitting wrost. Hanging. Overdosing over and over. But i didnt seem to die 😆

Things with him eventually ended. And the the next relationship i was into i was like “i am never getting married and having a child”

All started okay with this new guy. Chemistry or spark or whatever you want to call it was great. But after over a year - only then did he admit that he was married and has a kid. I leaned in to ending things then and there but he said his wife left him long ago and he was on passively suiciding by being alcoholic and smoking. I felt bad (duhh of course - so stupid right?) i gave him a chance and things actually are good with him.

Fas forward. I have an aunt who was fighting stage 4 colon cancer. And the thing that kept her fighting? I told her i’ll get pregnant and give her a grandkid. Every visit she will faintly smile at me? Are we going home to our homecountry? Me, you and the baby on your belly? And i will be like no, not yet. Me and my bf kept trying for her. Then the day came… my aunt died. And the promise? I realized it was more than a promise now. It’s something i want too for myself. So we went on trying. In 1 year, i had 2 chemical pregnancies. Next year complete drought. Then year 3 a ingot pregnant but miscarried at 4 months. THEN i stopped wanting and trying. Became even more depressed. But after 3 months of the miscarriage, i got pregnant. And i was so scared and careful and i never let myself feel happiness cos maybe the universe will feel me and just take away the happiness. Every cramp, Discharge, blood, i rush to the ER. I wrnt back to my home country. I had gestational diabetes, had emergency CS, cos baby’s heart was slowing cos i kept forcing to give birth normally. Then after the CS i was the one who almost died.

And because we’re not married (he’s annulled by the way - legally), my father would curse me everytime and one time he pushed-hit me while carrying the baby so i talked back and that’s when he kicked me out and disowned me. I stayed with my female cousin (the one who was also molested) and i found out that my father also molested her.

So my bf went home for a month of vacation from abroad and picked us up, we’ll stay over at his parents, he has a house but isnt ready yet). And his parents house ended up a nightmare. So many neglected cats and dogs, nobody cleans, there’s poo and pee everywhere - bathroom which smells worse than public toilets, sink, even the disrack, and this is LITERALLY. I have never been in a place so filthy. The mask themselves behind “animal lover” because of having lots of pets but the animals here are mangy, tocks and fleas, rhere are roaches everywhere. Kitchen smells like a piggery. So my baby and i just stay in our assigned room most of the times. I’m tired of cleaning up after orher people’s responsibilities. I love animals, i have 2 cats of my own that i flew across countries cos i would never abndon them. My cats got infested with fleas even though they’re lovked in our room - vet said there are no locked doors for parasites. But they’re okay now. Thank goodness. There was a puppy here who when she died, nobody kept her body someplace. They just left her under the table while they eat dinner… i wasnt able to eat for 24hrs then. The hidden cruelty, the filth, the nagging like why we are always in our room. Cmon i have a baby, who puts everything in her mouth. You all cant clean. You dont want to watch over my baby so i can clean - i tell you one time i asked my bf’s mom if she can hold mu toddler for a few minutes cos i need to use the toilet, i thighs havent even touched the toilet seat and she’s yellong for me to come get my baby, it’s a good thing i held my poop cos i went out the bathroom, i saw my toddler walking alome in the living room. There are stairs she could have climbed, there are cats and dogs that bite when stepped on, my toddler isnt even 2 years old so she doesnt know how to “watch where whe walks”, there are poos and pees she could’ve put in her mouth. And when i saw my bf’s mom in the kitchen she was like “oh i was selling something” nothing bad happened but you know the what ifffff. My bf knows all these, watches me cry every night on videocall, i asked him not to say anything to his family because obviously he isnt here. When their call ends, they go to me and well… he’s not here.

My only happiness is my toddler and my 2 cats.

My bf is quite questionable.

Sometimes all i want is a conversation.

I’m alone. New people. New place - very far from my hometown. And he’ll get mad. Sometime he’ll say sorry, he said he’s under a lot of pressure and guilt. And i understand. When something hurts, like my chest or back. He’ll get angry instead of comforting me.

So i dunno. I’m very lost. I’m thinking of ending things with him cos i think i cant do this anymore to myself cos i dont want my daughter to grow up seeing “it’s okay cos it’s love” and think that it is normal. But alao im almost 40 so i think i wont have a romantic chance.. or even a career chance now would i?i just want to secure my daughter something so she doesn’t end up like me. I am so scared and lost. Alaocplease dont worry about my suicidal side. I lost it since i had her. I am even i cant die now, cos i can leave her here.

Recently, I attended a reunion with some of my old college friends. We hadn’t seen each other in years, and I was looking forward to catching up and seeing how everyone had been doing. However, what I encountered was quite different from my expectations. It seemed like we were all speaking a different language than we used to, one filled with terms from our respective fields but lacking the depth that our conversations once had. There were references to new industry standards and developments (ok, totally valid topics...) but the discussions felt hollow. It was as if we were all talking past each other rather than really connecting.

I started questioning whether these friendships truly hold the same significance in our lives now as they did back then. Sure, people evolve and so do relationships, but sitting there at the table amidst laughter and chatter that didn’t resonate with me emotionally made me wonder: Were these friendships ever deep enough to withstand the test of time? Or were they more dependent on shared experiences that no longer exist? 🤔 Even though it was nice reminiscing about old times (even sharing some laughs!) I left with a sense of superficiality hanging over the entire evening. It's puzzling when you find yourself yearning for something more meaningful in relationships that once felt irreplaceable.

Today, after school, I flipped someone off because they flipped my mother off while driving. I know that doesn’t sound like a huge deal but it was to me. Extremely. I’ll say it honestly, I’m a wimp. I’m as weenie as they come. Passive too. I would have never done it if it was directed at me but when it was at my mom it was just an instinct to protect her. So I did it back.

My main problem is I can’t stop feeling bad after I flipped the person off. I want to say sorry but if I do that then they’ll just laugh at my face. I want to know how to become more assertive and not feel guilty or bad about it. Not take shit from others and assert my stance without feeling like I’m being a burden. Does that make sense?

Please take this seriously and don’t dismiss my feelings because you see it as minor. It’s a big deal to me, and that’s what matters to me. If you find this childish or inconvenient then don’t respond, easy as that.

so i woke up today feeling stuck, almost like being trapped in a fog. wandering aimlessly through the day without a real sense of direction is not fun at all. heard about setting intentions and thought it might help me get unstuck, but then i realized i'm having a hard time understanding how they're different from goals. goals sound more focused and concrete while an intention feels more vague to me; at least that's how i perceive it. it's frustrating... should i just pick one and stick with it?

setting intentions sounds wonderful in theory, right? making this list in my mind of things to focus on each day seemed promising...like creating pathways that lead somewhere cool. but man, when they are unclear or too broad, they leave you standing there, scratching your head wondering whether any progress is happening 🙃. no one talks about how tough transitions can be when you lack clarity between intentions vs goals!

all those motivational quotes say setting intentions will steer life towards something meaningful but here I am: completely clueless! seems every effort falls short due to absence of precise differences between goal-setting frameworks versus crafting genuine intentionality pathways (if only jargon could be clearer). maybe others find this endeavor less daunting? curious if those who have mastered intention-setting feel they were once as perplexed as i am...

so here's the deal, right? i just inherited this garden from some distant relative and honestly, who knew plants could stress you out so much? it's like everyone always raves about how amazing it is to nurture life through a garden... yeah right. i mean, i'm genuinely overwhelmed with trying to keep all these things alive. i've got daisies dying here, roses that look like they've given up on life and weeds invading like they own the bloody place. and somehow, there's this absurd pressure that if this green patch of earth doesn't flourish, it reflects my personal growth or lack thereof. literally tying my growth as a person to how well i can trim a friggin' bush… what kind of twisted cosmic joke is that?

but here's the funny part, 'yada yada do what makes you happy,' they said. well sorry grandma, but dead leaves on wet dirt ain't doing the trick. 😩 and don't even get me started on those videos of suburban mommas whose hydrangeas bloom vertically or diagonally or whatever artistic pattern they've concocted in their prissy little flower beds … how!?! (insert mega exasperated scream here). meanwhile i'm struggling with whether it's even going to rain today because honestly who has time to remember which plant needs what amount of sunlight

i've done everything those YouTube gurus preach (yes john from 'plant power', i'm talking about you) trying fertilisers and watering schedules but still manage to find these sad droopy fellas every time i walk passed we'll figure it out someday; currently i've resigned myself to tough love: survival of the fittest yanno? although when something does actually grow... small victories alright 😂

tell me why this responsibility feels so different from feeding goldfish or cleaning cat litter tho 🤔 surely we measure success in inches of green shoot.. does anyone else imagine burying life's frustrations into soil hoping it'll cultivate an immunity somehow other people around town sorta nod reassuringly ‘good starts take time’ public liability planter me wonders if wasting postage was inevitable pause figuring should probably send killer cactus card back reading ‘grow.for.me.regard.growth..patience’ remembering not attempt fragile truce patience missing attribute seems bigger emotional drainage sites truth remains every glance resting celosia shrine ❤️😤

So here's the thing, I moved to this new city for a job that seemed like an awesome opportunity, right? But now, I'm sitting here wondering why making friends is so freaking hard!?! I've tried all the usual stuff... you know, joining local community events and hopping into online groups... but I feel like a ghost! It's like I'm blending into the background no matter where I go and what I do.

I can't help questioning what's going on. I mean, does anyone else ever feel like this or is it just me? Does it even get better with time?!? Some days it feels like everyone already has their tight-knit group and they can't be bothered adding another person. Whenever I'm at these events, it's always awkward... Trying to jump in on a conversation only for them to give a polite nod and then turn back to their chat without really engaging.

It's literally playing on loop in my head: "Why don't they want to talk to me?!" Maybe I'm sending out some weird vibes without realizing it or maybe they're picking up something about me that doesn't exactly scream 'friend material'. People used to say making friends just gets harder as you get older... never thought I'd be living proof of that!

Honestly, online groups are no better either. There's always someone with 200 notifications while mine sits there sad and lonely. Sometimes I think it'd just be easier if we had a handbook titled 'How To Make Friends In Your 30s'! Steps one through ten should include 'Don't', 'Even', 'Bother', right?

Anyway... it’s depressing! There must be something off with how I'm approaching all this because otherwise why would connecting feel so impossible? Is there some secret handshake or password I'm missing here?? My mind is working overtime trying not to take things too personally because logically speaking... surely it isn't that nobody wants anything to do with me. Or is it???

it's kinda weird, you know? just had a birthday party the other day. i mean, everything was perfect. friends laughing, good food….the whole vibe was great;… but there i was, in the middle of all this, wishing everyone would just leave already. don't get me wrong, i love my friends, they're great company and seemed to be genuinely enjoying themselves; but as much as i tried to engage and act like the happy host, deep down i wanted to just crawl into bed and engulf in solitude.

this feeling isn't exactly new; been growing stronger over the past year. it's not your usual 'i need some me time' kind of thing; it's relentless! after every social event (even when i've enjoyed myself) there's this overpowering urge to retreat into my own space for days on end. reading somewhere once that needing alone time is healthy... but this feels different; like i'm torn between two worlds where one side wants to be surrounded by people while the other screams for isolation?! it's exhausting trying to make sense of it all... anyone else been through something similar?

so there I was, just minding my own business in the middle of a crowded grocery store. heart pounding like it's trying to burst outta my chest. thoughts racing all over the place. it felt like an out-of-body experience or something like that, y'know? at one point, I'm convinced I'm about to just keel over and pass out right there between the cereal aisle and the canned goods! and let me tell ya, there's nothing more embarrassing than the idea of waking up surrounded by strangers gawking at you while you're sprawled on the floor wondering what kind of weird trip your brain decided to take!!!

what gets to me is whyyyyyyyy does it feel so intense????? seriously, can someone explain this nonsense? because I'm sitting here questioning whether panic attacks honestly can make you faint or if it's just my imagination being extra. I mean, I didn't actually collapse but it sure as hell felt like I was going to! everyone around seemed oblivious too - probably thought I was just another weirdo acting out in public.

honestly, haven't been able to stop thinking about it ever since. paranoia's got its claws in me - now every time I even consider heading back into a crowded space, those flashbacks play on repeat in my mind... how exactly do you deal with potential embarrassment looming like a ticking time bomb everywhere you go? talk about living on edge all day every day!

maybe some new-age meditation thing might help... or maybe not who knows!! all I'm saying is next time I'll probably carry smelling salts in my pocket or a paper bag to breathe into or whatever it takes!! has anyone else out here experienced this madness??? man oh man life keeps throwing surprises but THIS???? ugh!!!

I'm obsessed. It's literally driving me nuts, and I can't stop it. You're constantly checking your phone, hoping for a text or call that never comes. It's consuming my thoughts like a relentless loop. Every ding on my phone makes my heart race, expecting it's from them. And then when it's not, bam! Disappointment all over again. You find yourself rearranging your entire schedule just for a chance to bump into them 'accidentally'. A pathetic scene of desperation if you ask me. I've actually changed the routes I walk, the times I go out, and the places I hang around just for a glimpse. Crazy, right? Yet here we are.

When you see them in person, all rationality goes out the window. You think about every possible way to catch their attention or even make small talk, which never seems to happen. I find myself rehearsing conversations in my head, imagining all the witty things I could say. But then, when the moment comes, I freeze like a deer in headlights. I can't help but wonder if they have any idea how much space they're renting in my head. Makes me wonder if they ever will notice or if I'm wasting away waiting for something that might never happen. It’s utterly exhausting and honestly quite ridiculous yet utterly unavoidable at this point. I hate how I feel so out of control, like I'm just this puppet on strings, dancing around my own feelings, and I can't break free.

can't sleep at night anymore. i don't know why, it's like i've tried everything: different pillows, sleeping on my left side or my right side. i even counted sheep last night 🐑 but nothing works. whatever position I get into it starts with a little wiggle and before you know it i'm a full-on tossing-turning mess. maybe the noises from the neighbor's house are what's keeping me up? it sounds like faint talking sometimes or footsteps... or maybe i'm just losing it now.

i feel so wired yet tired...negative combo really! everyone else seems to be snoozing away (major envy for my partner who sleeps soundly next to me). out there somewhere people say things like "just relax, it'll come" ugh if only sleep was a pizza delivery that you could order whenever...i act chill about this during daytime but deep down man it's driving me bonkers; eventually has its toll on mood and concentration guess i'm in good company with Night Owls club lol one day nights will again mean good night's sleep hopefully sooner than later;

Wow, so here's the deal, I've just moved to this new city and it feels like I'm in a different universe altogether. It's kind of crazy being here alone...all my friends from back home seem like they're on another planet right now!!! You know what I mean? Every time I try to settle into some social events, it's like everyone already knows each other or maybe they have this secret code language 😅. We got meetup sites and everything saying 'hey, come join us,' but honestly (no matter how much fun I think it'll be) it just doesn’t click! It hits the hardest on weekends... when you see everybody else with places to go and people to meet.

I've tried gearing up to go out and try new hobbies 🤔! Like painting classes at the community center or joining those weekend hiking groups: who knew there's so many mountains you gotta climb?! Yet somehow every time I join these activities, it's like my battery drains before anything good happens (you feel?). Even worse is trying to find that rhythm with someone where conversations flow free without forcing small talk; it feels like running a marathon without finish line and no blisters to show for it...

Anyway guess what? I actually caught myself quoting movies just to ease the nerves during those painfully long silences: 'May the force be with you' turned into some weird icebreaker? But whatever happened after, people would laugh or get confused; never thought galactic references would leave folks puzzled 😂. But there's still hope man... gotta believe in brighter days ahead!!

Thing is though despite all these random experiments... feeling left out gets sharper by day especially when streetlights flicker casting lonely shadows. Got me thinking if connection always demand extravagant plans or locked-in comfort zones? What happened to spontaneous friendships appearing unannounced & lighting everything up🙌?

so i was scrolling through my phone and stumbled on this old picture of myself from a few years back. it got me thinking....Wow, I look different now. it's not just the hair color or weight changes; it's something else. maybe age has made its subtle marks, but there's that nagging thought... am i less attractive now? what if that's holding me back in social situations?

sure, i've accomplished a lot, career-wise and personally. i've hit milestones that some people only dream about, yet this one blurry photo has shaken something inside me. why does it matter so much anyway? isn't personality more important than looks? people have told me that i'm charismatic and engaging, which should be enough right?

yet there i was today in a meeting feeling like the odd one out just because everyone else looked like they walked straight out of a fashion magazine. my rational mind tells me nobody probably cares as much as i do about this stuff, but it’s hard not to let it get under your skin sometimes.

for what it's worth, this reflection has also been liberating in some ways... like maybe it's time to finally stop being so harsh on myself over things that perhaps don't matter as much as i think they do. still feels awkward though when you casually wonder if someone thinks you're ugly even while you're presenting successful cases or negotiating deals.