Life Stories and Everyday Drama

Hello,

I am currently in university and I am so fucking tired of this shit. My hobbies don’t feel like hobbies; they aren’t fun because I always compare myself to others and wish I was better. I can’t stop comparing myself to others, I am plagued by my past mistakes and actions that I have done. It’s an endless struggle of self worth and image.

For reference, I got diagnosed with autism this semester, and a lot of struggles that I faced make a lot of sense. I struggle with rage and meltdowns, and a lot of apathy. There are times where I wonder if doing anything is worth it. I want to be creative but I get burnt out so easily and won’t do anything creative for months. It’s horrible.

My self image is at rock bottom. I can’t help but worry about what I eat, and how many calories it is. I constantly worry about being fat. For context, I have never been skinny but I have never been fat either. I powerlift now and am pretty buff (I like looking masculine because I am afab nonbinary). But I still can’t help but body check and wish that I was more lean so that my muscles would be more defined. I hate, hate my body, and I hate my breasts. They aren’t that big, maybe a B, but I fucking hate them so fucking much.

People say that exercising helps with mental health. I’ve been an athlete my whole life and it seems like every year my mental health just gets worse.

And I feel so fucking ungrateful for everything. I feel like a brat because I should appreciate this life that I have been granted, but my brain pretty much only focuses on the negative.

I guess I just want to know if there is any way to relieve this pain, this emptiness that I feel when I am driving home after a long day and I want to cry but I can’t. Or if it just gets worse after university.

Hi, I’m a non-binary 20 year old and I go to a Christian university (not my choosing but I get a really good scholarship there). I am also on the school’s powerlifting team. I am a biological female, but it fucking sucks to be in an environment where you have to shove yourself into a box to be excepted by others. Being perceived to others as female is so uncomfortable for me. And my teammates think in a very binary way, it’s horrible for someone like me. I’m not seen as who I am, but a woman first above all else.

Some of my teammates have been good to me, but they don’t know my identity. They are all basically Bible thumpers and I feel so out of place. I’ve never told anyone on my team what my identity is, but I dress very gay, so I’m sure some of them might feel iffy about me. I am so scared about being outed, because I have no idea how they will react. I’ve heard the way some of them talk about LGBTQ+ stuff, and it ain’t looking too good for me folks. Am I cooked? Any other athletes who relate to this? I feel so fucking alone in this.

As a side note, I am not attacking Christianity, I just dislike how some Christians act hateful when the Bible says to do the opposite.

I'm quite a sensitive person, I saw this video where this guy with his family, spread his mom's ashes into the lake and it spelled out "love" idk why but I started crying, even now, I'm tearing up. I think that's how my sadness started today. I feel ugly but not super ugly, I don't have a boyfriend, I have one online friend but we don't talk much, I have other online friends but those guys are trying to get with me or just being odd. I think I just need a boyfriend. I think I just need a hug or someone genuine to hang out with. I made a new online friend today but it feels fake. It all feels fake, I only talk to my friends when I'm in a good mood or just try my best to be friendly and all but during my worst moments, I don't have anyone. Who would love me or like me like this? I'm not supposed to burden them with this. I also feel insane. Maybe I'm just undiagnosed or something, idk.

All the time i always do my best to reach out and build connections with people. But most of it i just got ignored until one dah i reached the point where i’m so dont with building the connection with people and suddenly people think i am the bad one for not initiating things and reach out first? Like i’m jusy so tired and honestly gave up with interpersonal relationships

Right off the bat, I'll say that I absolutely recognize that I'm delusional and that a lot of this is just my paranoia fueled, nihilistic psychosis but I think I'm genuinely losing it and I'd like to know if anyone has anything to say that could help. Also sry there's no category to tag this with lol.

Ever since I was younger I've been weird and autistic, but for the TLDR I've just never made any close connections with anybody until last year, which went exceedingly badly. I don't speak with my mother, and rarely speak with my family. I might have DID but I've always felt unsure and self-conscious about it/saying it because I don't think I meet the DSM5 criteria for it(no dissociative amnesia), but we basically speak to eachother every night and ever since I was 14 I don't think we've ever referred to eachother as the same person. I think we get along really well and so at points I can't tell who's me and who's her but I don't mind all that much because she's nice. After the 'aforementioned events' of last year we had a psychotic break where she lost her only real friend and I kinda gave up on life. I was able to rediscover a reason to live and wrote down a "rulebook" on the meaning of life, and she was able to accept that giving up on her friend wouldn't inherently mean that she was a bad person or that she desrved to die on the condition that we were both being decieved by a secret evil organization that wanted to control us both by having her kill herself before I could destroy the current world order. This worked for awhile until I discovered "the curse" and she realized that she was just mentally unwell and ended up pushing her only friend away with her desperation which was a lot harder to cope with. "The curse" is my word for a rule that says that most humans will choose to live in an irrational world over a rational world because for most, irrationality doesn't interfere with their ability to live their lives.

This essentially means that I can't pursue the meaning of life which I was able to deduce because whether I'm correct or not, any rational explaination for why I should live will automatically be thrown out by most of the population. My other self seems to be okay now that we've both accepted that we'll still be there for eachother, but in my case I think I'm the version who can't live without reason. I hate this world and I've always wanted to either change it or die trying, but idk I'm just tired and that seems like a lot of effort. I've been letting my other self take the wheel a little more lately. I want her to be happy but I frankly don't care about myself, I don't really remember who I am or what had made life worth living until now but I don't feel like it matters. I've had other versions of myself die before and it's always messed me up. I don't want to leave but I'm not exactly doing anything here. It's just inefficient and it's illogical to try to be logical about everything anyway so there's no need for me to exist. Not in imminent danger cuz I have an "if all else fails" suicide date set 9 years into the future so I'm probably good until then but idk.

Don't exactly know what I'm asking for, but if anyone has any advice, I'd appeciate it.

Merry Christmas everyone! ❤️🥰

Hi everyone,

I’m very confused and I don’t know what to do. I have deteriorating mental health, and I also try to find the best in others and I always have so much empathy for others. I always care so much about other people and I take it towards myself to help them, even though it doesn’t concern me. Due to recent experiences, I now see just how easy I make it for people to take advantage of me. My boyfriend and I have been together for around a month. We are young, and we fell for each other fast, and we fell for each other hard. We are very similar in some ways, but different in others. When we first got together, I thought I was so lucky to have him. He came into my life when I was the most desperate, and he turned out to be so sweet and loving, I thought he could have been the best guy I could ever ask for. He seemed to always care about how I feel, he wanted to make me feel like the best girl in the world. I like to express my thoughts in writing, and I’ve written so so many messages about how much I love and appreciate him and all that he does for me. But naturally, sometimes we make playful sarcastic jokes. I’m okay with it! I know he’s joking, because I know he loves me. He and I used to worry I wouldn’t remember that due to my crippling self doubt and low self esteem, but now I’m thinking, he’s the one who needs to be reminded! Naturally, he’s a teenage boy, and he has a huge ego while also being super insecure. Anytime I say something that slights threatens his sense of superiority, he switches up on me. He acts as if I didn't write or say every kind word I’ve ever wrote or said, and instead makes me feel like I’m a horrible person (My biggest fear is being a horrible person) over a simple joke. Jokes he says to me all the time. Usually, these misunderstandings clear up quickly as we communicate, but yesterday, it was more than I could handle.

I made a joke in a group chat about how he didn’t want to go on a date with me. Thats already one thing, It’s not even that he couldn’t, he tells me all the time he is free all the time, he complains about not being able to see me, makes me feel terrible about it, and when I finally make an opportunity I’m content with, he simply didn’t want to go out with me yesterday. Immediately I apologized for what I said, I knew he found jokes like that hurtful and I deeply regretted what I said. I broke down. He didn’t handle his anger very well, especially when he knew I would get upset, almost as if he wanted me to get so upset - but that can’t be true, it won’t be true. Because all he tells me all the time is how much he loves me, how he wants me to get better, and I don’t think he would ever want to jeopardize that. He started with texting me “its fine, I don’t want to talk anymore, go to bed”. Typically, I would immediately give him the attention he so deeply wanted, and I would’ve began trying to fix things, when he hasn’t even apologized to me yet, he wrote : “i get you’re sorry, but I’m still mad, so just forget about it, maybe I’ll be more forgiving tomorrow, i dont care so you shouldn’t either”. I think we both knew how truly both of us cared a lot. Fortunately, I was too busy breaking down to my mom and sister and I left him on read. That’s an important detail because he saw how I wasn’t immediately giving attention like usual, and so he kept going. And it made me feel so so much worse. He texted a paragraph about how he didn’t understand why he acts in such ways, how much I deserve better than him, I should just leave him, he hates himself and he wishes he was a good person. He has never been so vulnerable with me, and I really appreciated that, and I really wanted to help change his mind - but my mom and my sister thought differently. They showed me how this is another desperate attempt to manipulate me into making him feel better about himself. If he truly cared about how I felt, he would’ve broken up with me, but instead he wanted to make me make the decision, because he knew I would never have it in me to leave him. Sometimes, he genuinely treats me unfairly and it so mentally exhausting. Where my mom and I see differently is that I believe he wants to change, and my mom believes he will never change. Because guess what, after spewing all of that, and again I read it but didn’t reply, he switched up AGAIN. He was very sorry, he wrote how grateful he was for me and how badly he wants to make it up to me and how much he loves me. Maybe it’s the manipulation and love bombing thats manipulating me once again, but this gives me hope that he truly does care, and he wants to change for me, and he wants to become a better person. And I want

to help him, I want to grow with him, no matter how draining it could get. My mom and sister and I came up with a straight forward simple reply. Addressing the overreaction, how his reaction manipulates me and makes me feel, and how I wish he could react differently since it is unhealthy for both of us. We’ve resolved the moment and the harsh feelings, but I don’t know how to go about this today. He replied thanking me for my honesty, and how much he wants to get better for me. I want to give him a chance.

I think I’ve decided that I will, and I want to grow as people together,

Can anyone give me suggestions on how to go about this today? This all happened last night, and I want to confront him today morning. Either beginning of the day or second half

Of the day.

I don't really know how to start but i remember when u first added me back on tiktok, the excitement was something I've never felt before but i convinced myself to calm down and that you probably like all other teenage boys as i did talk to guys that i didn't have good experiences with early months of the year (February, March and April) it was November 12 when i started talking to you but after a few days i caught myself smiling and staying up to your texts we even had an ongoing streak on tiktok because you were a guy i could genuinely open up to without it being weird and we had a lot of similar song and drama interests, its been so long since a actually liked someone like this and it felt so nice. And a few days later you reposted tiktoks about liking someone as i thought it was about me because you only started reposting those AFTER we started talking but i clearly took it as a wrong sign. Exactly 3 weeks Later December 3rd i sent you a paragraph of how i felt but you told me you liked someone else so clearly i mistook your kindness the wrong way. After you sent me that Paragraph I ended up only hearting your message which ended up being our last conversation with eachother on Instagram. Its been 3 weeks 24th December and I'm still stuck here going back to your account stalking your reposts about her and i even found her account and she's honestly so pretty And you guys comment on eachothers tiktoks which i used to do on your tiktoks and you guys deserve each other 2 attractive people together. I can't even block you because we ended on good terms as friends but we never even texted after that. I just wanted to say i miss you Jayden even if we texted as friends..

I am the oldest child in my family, and as an oldest and a daughter, I have been expected to help take care of my siblings and house since I was probably around 10. my responsibilities and the amount of work that I take on has grown since then. I am 16, soon to be 17 right now, and I used to only have one little sister, and she was only 3 years younger than me. so I don't remember much from her being a toddler, and I definitely wasn't expected to help take care of her. but as we got older, I started to be told more and more that I needed to make sure that she was getting her chores done, or help her with her homework. basic things like that. well eventually those little things grow into making dinner, making sure that my sister gets to school on time. driving her to all of her events. dropping her off at her friends houses, or picking up her friends after school to give them a ride home. I had already been starting to struggle a little bit with figuring out when and where my parents wanted me to take on a more parental role to her. for the most part, it hasn't been too difficult, she just thinks that I can be a bit bossy sometimes, and she thinks that I try to act like a parent, and that makes her upset. I understand why that would upset her, and I do tend to take on a role that puts me in charge, but that is only because I am trying to keep everything together on days when my dad is gone, and my mom is unable to deal with it due to her MS or depression. I grew up dealing with her always being upset with me for things like that though, so I have gotten used to it and learned how to deal with it. unfortunately it has made it a little more difficult for me to have a good sisterly relationship with her, but I hope that one day she will understand why I have felt that I have had to be a little more bossy at times, and that its only because I want her to be set up the best that she can be. well things have gotten a little more complicated recently. my family have done foster care for a few years now. we have been fostering a 3 year old boy for a little over a year now. he is a great kid, but he has a lot of medical issues. we are hoping to be able to adopt him, but we will have to see how things go. well anyway, it has been a big change for me. he is 13 years younger than me, and I have had to learn how to live with a little kid, and learn how to work with most of his medical requirements. at this point, I am pretty sure that I have tagged along to more of the little guy's appointments than my dad has. when I agreed to doing the foster care, I had expected that my parents would be doing almost all of the work with the kid, and I would get to be the fun big sister. I still planned on helping out because parenting is tough, but I have devoted so much more of myself to this kid than I thought I would. I don't mind too much, and I have even grown to love the kid like a brother, but it is so much work. I babysit him a lot so my mom can get some rest, I have learned how to do all of his at home stuff. I have to put him to bed a lot because sometimes I am the only one who can get him to go to sleep without throwing a fit. I have had to miss out on events or days out with my friends because someone needed to be home to watch the kid. I also tend to get stuck following him around whenever we go somewhere so that I can make sure that he doesn't get into anything. I bring him into daycare every morning on my way to class, and pick him up at the end of the day. this has made me a lot more involved than I had planned to be. so naturally, I care a lot for the kid, and want to make sure that he is happy and his needs are met. because I really do love him. which is tough for me to get to with the foster kids because of how closed off I force myself to be. so when he is crying or upset, I want to try to figure out what is causing it, and how to make him feel better. I realize that I can't just baby him every time he does that because that is just encouraging bad habits. but I do want to try to figure out why he is upset, and if there is a solution before I just leave it be. well anyway, i was up late tonight, and heard him crying. I texted my mom to see if they needed help, and she said he was asking for a hug from me. so I went upstairs to where his bedroom is, and he was upset and crying, and my dad was cranky because the kid was up. he took the kid to go potty, but since they were both upset things were not being cominicated properly betweenthe two of them, and it was just making things worse. so I stepped in and got him to use the bathroom, and then I was gonna go back to his bedroom to give him a hug, but my dad didn't want me to because he thought he was just stalling to get what he wanted. so when my dad went back to his room and the kid was still crying and shaken up, I went in there to give him a hug, and calm him down a bit. which, what do you know? actually worked. I know I shouldn't have done it when my dad didn't want me to, but the kid was freaking out and didn't understand what was going on, and I couldn't stand to just go to bed with the poor kid still feeling like that. my mom agreed that it would be ok. I just went in to give him a hug, and get him a sip of water. well apparently my dad say me through the baby monitor and got upset. I can definitely get how that would be frustrating and seem like me undermining him as a parent. but honestly, I don't regret it. he's a kid who doesn't like to be left alone, and leaving him shaken up like that when all he wanted was a hug was something that I just couldn't do. thanks for reading this. I guess I just needed to vent. I know that there are people in the world with way bigger problems than this right now. but I just feel lost. I want to be a kid, but I get treated like I am supposed to be a partial parental figure, but then get in trouble when I act like it. am I in the wrong for giving my brother a hug? is this a normal oldest sibling experience? does anyone have any advice for how to be helpful and do what my parents want, while still being able to have some time to be a kid myself?

My mom is really so upsetting at times. Just a little while ago I realized she had been manipulating me

As in, I have my struggles with my gender identity, wounding myself and she also hates that I consume anime, games etc and whenever I feel sad she blames it on all those things. She made me throw so many sketchbooks because she said they weren’t healthy, but they were mine and she took those away and i can’t see myself forgiving her. She blamed me for my biological mother having and auto immune disease, she basically said i was at fault because I harmed myself and she’s onto me these days which is making me consider doing something mean to myself. Whenever I “mess up” (as in, talk to someone she forbid me, watched something she forbid me, or played a game she forbid me) she always starts like: “I’ve been sick these days, knowing you were doing this and this and that again. Don’t you know it’s harmful?! I forbid it!!!” and then she goes on and on placing the blame on me. She starts hard on me just to get my walls down and then she goes inserting her little thoughts in me. Manipulator! And alright! I finally got my phone back after, guess how many years? 3 years! And I had the strictest internet curfew because she can’t stand not being able to know literally everything i’m doing! And now, i’m sure in a few days she’ll come to me and say: “i’ve been getting odd vibes about your phone, let me look through it” I literally can see it, so predictable. And the worst is: if she gets it again, I’ll be grounded, which is pretty pathetic for a 17 years old but hey, that’s my life, that’s how I live! Because whenever she makes me sob blaming me, she leaves me alone, crying and wounded all by myself and yet she still insists she really cares, while in fact she’s just projecting onto me! It will never get better unless I leave here. I love her so much, she’s literally the best in every other thing but emotionally being there. Sorry if it’s too long…

I have an urge to try being poetic when trying to write about myself and if I don't fight it i've had moments where I've generated twice as much text as chat jippity is allowed to in one prompt on a few occassions (so that totals ~30k characters, in an hour or two).

My goal to live a long life is underway, so whatever else I can do in the meantime is a mere addition. I do not travel outside of routine spots, I do not engage with people without a clear mutual benefit, I do not alter my experience with any equilibrium-disturbing dead matters, recreative medicines or narcotics so to say. I'm by the majority vote still very young, 21 years, aiming, unreasonably and religiously, for seven times that or so. I figure, if anything, it's the one thing worth overestimating.

In order to avoid '30k-ing', or testing out the limits of the submission prompt box, I'll skim over the last 3 years, hopping a bit back and forth, starting at HS graduation. COVID shrunk my chances of developing connections, which on first year I've shrunk by my own means. Graduation was the only time I've had group photos with classmates, and past that I merely occasionally 'see', in its literal sense, so I notice elements resembling the elements of my classmates in the crowds of Warsaw, sometimes. This is the part where I mention I'm not a native english speaker, so in case my english reads odd, just know my native tongue sounds to people around me just as odd. Continuing: I've had a habit of giving art feedback to strangers on Discord. Not out of good will, but out of the drive for self improvement - it's worked wonderfully, I have no qualms to openly deem myself a comic artist to strangers, which I'd cringe in horror if I were to attempt in high school. Condensing, condensing, compressing, stitching... I've gone to college, I've quit because of anxiety and low hopes for the future, I've gotten a job to give me a number of 20 months of experience on my CV, quit that job because of low hopes for the future, had a 1.5 turns car rollover at 120km/h on a curve listening to aggressive music from musical artists less optimistic than me, which digging out from under the dirt I've had a big scratch across my chest. That was from when my cat jumped off of me like a week prior. The crash itself did no harm to me, as I was sat in the least damaged part of the car. I'm now enrolled in a daily college and weekend college, right before christmas, dazed by today's fumbled calculus exam, and confused by that being the most commonly shared experience by co-students, worried about my inactivity in regards to artistic endeavors. No one shares that sentiment, I think that's on me. I send 'merry christmas' to at least one acquaintance since 2023. We cannot connect the rest of the year because of my otherness. They've tried drawing and I really encourage drawing to anyone I meet, but no one has as much continuity and narrowness of thought as I've had whilst learning. I suspect that is because of the amount of humans we connect to - the less humans are on my mind, the better my focus and keenness. Great artists must've been very asocial if that is a universal relationship of art and us. I justify my strangeness with a haphazard attempt at finding the optimal spot between the two, art and us.

Golly this needs to be approved my a human before going anonymously public. I apologise then, I hope it is not already too much. I wish for, kind of, anything. I like humans and our languages, it's a shame there seems to be such a hard limit on that. I've not nearly exhausted my thoughts yet... dot dot dot. Maybe I just suck at ending things

PS. Ad. 'already too much' - it absolutely is. I wonder if I could get around that, anyway anyhow. 2026 goal perhaps. Cheers

I’ve been really stressed lately. My parents often ask me to do chores, and if my mom asks my dad instead, he complains about having “to do all the work” even though he doesn’t help much and mostly just orders me and my little sister around.

My mom sometimes gets really angry and threatens me, even though I’ve told her many times it scares me and doesn’t help. I feel like I always have to be the emotionally smart one at home, calming everyone down. My little sister depends on me too, so I feel like I’m always trying to manage everyone’s feelings.

I’m only a kid, and it’s hard to express anger at home. Typing here is the only way I can release it. I also do a lot of chores and help my mom, but she sometimes says I haven’t done enough. I love my mom, but I don’t want to always have to be the “peacemaker” in the house, especially when my dad tries to guilt trip her or ignores problems.

I just want to know if I’m being dramatic, and I also just need a safe place to vent.

Lately I just feel like I haven't had much enjoyment, actually that's just been my whole year. I did turn of age this year so that's good. Recently, I've been having bad health anxiety but I've been managing, today is just hard. It's exhausting and I wish i didn't have it, it's been making me have suicidal ideations, I'm constantly worried about every sensation in my body, thinking that I'm about to die. To help myself, I just accept death and see it was comfort so I'm not super scared. I'm not overweight and workout. Sometimes I get scared to workout because I think something bad could happen. Seeing online that active people or athletetic people can still die is also scary. I remind myself that those cases are rare and I'll be fine but even if they do happen, I'd try my best to be calm or accept my fate. I used to be a workout from but now I'm scared to do certain things. Ited helpful to know that I'm not alone tho and that's others go through the same thing. I also hate having veins, well not hate as they are needed but I don't like seeing them and feeling them inside my skin. I also dislike eating unhealthy foods, it's like every bite is closer to a health problem but that's kinda all of what my family buys, even frozen healthy foods can be unhealthy, it's like everything in American foods is trying to kill you which makes me eat less and go to bed hungry by accident. Living like this is tiring. Any help or advice is appreciated.

I'm deeply in love with my friend, K. She's no shit EVERYTHING I've ever wanted in a person, AND she's the most attractive woman I've ever seen, I've never been so glad to be bisexual in my life. I've never wanted to care for and love someone as much as I do her. I want to love her and treat her the way she really deserves to be. She knows I want her and she knows a hint of how much I yearn for her (I'm wasn't overbearingly forward when I had admitted I wanted her), there's only one sticky issue. I've been not given a direct answer to my relationship inquiry, so I've kinda been jus left in this limbo of the unknowing. About 9 months ago I asked and she said she wasn't in the emotional headspace to be in a relationship, but she really likes me too. We've both made it obvious we find each other attractive, I compliment her at least once a day and she compliments me unprovoked too. She didn't ghost me after, we still talk frequently thankfully, and we even have plans for her to come down to my state to see me and my daughter. I'm not very emotionally or mentally stable, and one of my disorder's side effects is maladaptive daydreams, in which every one I have relates to her. If I want to fall asleep fast or I'm struggling to fall asleep, all I have to do is think about a situation where her and I are in each other's presence, it's a full proof method that has yet to fail me. I want to be able to provide for her and give her a comfortable, happy life. I want to sacrifice everything so she can have anything and everything she dreams of. With my explanation in mind, you you think I'll end up getting the girl?

“you’re happiest when you make me sadder” — JADE, “Natural at Disaster”

slop, slop, slop. sounds like a poem doesn’t it? but really, it’s a word i constantly hear for ai-generated content. i always think to myself that there is good slop and bad slop, but now, i guess ai slop is just…slop.

ai slop is all over the internet, and people just shit all over it like it’s their problem. news headlines use it, twitter users use it, the comments section uses it. merriam-webster declares it as word of the year. i’m so sick of hearing that term from whoever uses it, be it an anti or a news outlet.

along my 99 problems as a synthographer, this is one of them. i generate beautiful anime stuff with ai, write character descriptions for them, make posters with it, all that stuff. yet they’ll simply dismiss it as “slop”, even if i just generate a guy or girl with cat ears.

i can’t even shake off that comment who told me to “go fuck yourself ai slop trash.” that was few months ago, yet why is it still lingering here with me?

slop, slop, slop…the more i hear it, the more i see it, the more i feel sick, tired, and angry. i guess my friend was right. all these comments let’s me offend me. maybe that’s why i can’t move on from them. have i been online too much? do i have to say “i’m supposed to be an adult, but fuck it, i need a minute” again? are they even happy when they make me sad? when will things get better again?