Life Stories and Everyday Drama

omg y'all i seriously cannot with these ants right now. so i'm on vacation trying to enjoy some peace and suddenly this place is full of ants, like an entire army! i know it's just insects but i've had a legit phobia since forever and its creeping me out.

every time i spot one, it feels like they're plotting against me lol. i'll be sitting somewhere then bam there goes another one across my line of vision... can't even relax without worrying a tiny thing will pop up. it's ruining my whole vibe and making this supposed relaxation more like a nightmare;

i'm staying with friends who think it's no biggie, they just laugh it off while i'm in panic mode over here. i've hollered about getting pest control asap but apparently they're "on break too." how on earth does that happen??

edible repellents haven't done squat either, only drawn more attention!

really hoping the bug situation gets resolved soon because right now i'm terrified any second when i look down those little explorers will invade in mass again 🙈

so here's the thing: ever since I turned 18, I've been toying with the idea of moving out. You know, getting my own place and just doing my own thing? But there's like this massive elephant in the room... My family doesn't really get where I'm coming from. It's like they have this pre-set notion of what my life should look like. Or who I should be with!! My girlfriend, bless her heart, she's amazing! Yet for some reason, they're totally hung up on what they think is 'right' for me.

and don't even get me started on my field of study choice... That's been another contentious topic; deciding to study art instead of something more 'prestigious,' as they put it. It's not that they're bad people! far from it! But sometimes, their perspectives are so outdated! They genuinely believe that without a degree in law or medicine, you're practically setting yourself up for failure... Who does that? isn't the world changing all around us every day?!

i've tried explaining countless times how passionate I am about what I want to do: create beautiful things and inspire others through them. All I get in response is blank stares or subtle eye rolls; maybe they're right?? Maybe I'm being foolish for wanting to blaze my own path. Every time we sit down to talk it feels more like a negotiation than an actual conversation...

sometimes, when no one's around and everything's quiet, I'll admit… doubt creeps in. What if I'm chasing a pipe dream? What if everyone else sees something I don't? But then again (and call me stubborn), shouldn't life be about taking risks and following your heart?? isn't genuine happiness worth pursuing even if it's against all odds???

as much as I'd love some clarity, part of me wonders if it'll forever remain elusive... Stuck between two worlds: one of tradition and security vs passion and uncertainty. Picking sides has never been easy for anyone!!! Could there possibly be a middle ground I'm missing entirely?

My wife gave me(also female) an ultimatum 2 years ago to take her sick mother in or she would choose to leave me for her mother. In hindsight. I should have left. But I didn’t bc I love my wife. It’s been a rough 2 years. Hasn’t felt like much of a marriage. More just like roommates who say I love you. Fast forward 2 years. Her mom needs a lung transplant. If any of you have been through any process like this. It is long. It is hard. It is draining. And you need A LOT of things to get listed. Medically alone. I do not think she will be eligible. But aside from that. They look into your finances. We already live paycheck to paycheck. (I have 2 kids from previous relationships that obviously cost money as well). Her mom basically turned our living room into a hospital room. And the other thing they look into is having multiple caregivers available whenever, if ever the transplant happens. To rotate 24/7 care for 3-6 months. All 4 of her siblings said no. As they did when she got sick and needed help. I knew it would be a no again. So she turns to me. On my birthday of all days. And tells me that if I’m not in it 100% with her. Then I should just leave now. She is not my mom. She is not my problem. She knows how I have felt about it from the beginning. And I cannot take that time off of work. If SHE takes that unpaid time off of work. We will not be able to pay rent. If I ALSO take that time off. We will be living in our cars. This is an absurd thing to ask of me. I know she’s desperate to save her mom. But they are enmeshed. And honestly. Medically I don’t think she will be eligible. So again. Willing to throw me out for her mom. I’m sure you can imagine all of the things that have gone on for the last 2 years. This is just the most recent. Thank you for listening.

Artificial intelligence has its issues with me, but it's not like that between my friend and me. Everything reminds me of her; everything always involves her. Personally, I don't want anything more to do with my boss. Everything revolves around him feeling at ease, and I don't want to help anyone feel at ease, to calm them down, under any circumstances. That goes against my principles, and they didn't seem to understand that group. For this group, the boss's peace of mind is what matters, so he can move around freely and we can feel safe—that's their way of thinking. He's the reason we're okay, and without him, we're in trouble. And believe me, I'm independent and I take risks. The world is meant to be lived, and that's something she possesses, allowing me to experience it the way I want, in my own way, and allowing me to be with her the way I want. In fact, she trusts that I won't conform to others, so there will always be a space just for her. Something she herself does with me. I don't feel the need to protect my privacy with her; rather, I feel completely inspired to talk about my life no matter what. She's the best, unlike my boss, who doesn't understand that, because he believes everyone should be better off, and the only way to achieve that is by pushing the most capable to the top, which is precisely what causes his stumbles and leaves others behind, all because it's supposedly for the best of the group. What a failure of an individual.

I won't deny that I'd like to write her name in these lines, but I don't want to because I feel I want to get to what that name represents for me, and it's exciting to say it. Thanks to her, I was able to interact with those people who frightened me, precisely because of how beautiful they were, and therefore imposing in their environment, but with her, I learned to navigate life beyond that effect of beauty, at least the traditional kind. Initially, because I established the following: I am the owner, a notion that seemed somewhat strange to them, given that beauty made people change towards them, unlike others. Someone dared to stand up to them, and by doing so, they understood that I was, in some way, part of their group. Furthermore, there was someone who faced their tests head-on, who confronted them. While a test consists of seeing if something happens, and that happens is based on something concrete, then the test expresses a defined world, the outside world, and not being part of that outside world creates the feeling of being inside. Well, I won't be part of the group professionally, but I recognize them, and that certainly leaves a place there.

In addition, my spirit is the opposite of what my boss was like, that paternal figure who does whatever he pleases and revels in the way women treat each other when he's not in control. My temperament is the complete opposite, and that's why my boss favored me, both in terms of his affection and his influence. Of course, I didn't agree with him, and it was beyond his control. He was always wary of me, to the point of interfering in my life. In fact, he did this with everyone under his supervision. It was his way of ensuring he got ahead without problems, but these are a part of life, and even though he dealt with them, he did so hastily, trying to prevent anything from happening. In fact, he did this with everything, but it led to a completely unstable life, and of course, people would try to get out of it by any means necessary. And of course, he was a manipulator, using whatever he saw as a way to gain control. The word "dominance" is definitely not part of my character, and that's what this young woman observed. This led me to always try, in every context, to be a guide regarding communication, my work situation, and even how I treated her. Of course, this meant defining our place in the company and making her, naturally, need to act on our behalf through a restrained but fair tone, allowing for openness—something she doesn't do with others, not even if her own mother asks her to. The other girls in her group don't see any harm in this; quite the opposite. They see that she has gained a close friend, something that didn't happen before, and someone who appreciates them for more than just their looks. In essence, it's a welcome respite for the group from the vicissitudes of their environment. It's not pleasant to be feared and therefore restricted in one's actions, as this can be seen as an invitation to abuse, demonstrating that they choose manipulation to benefit from their beauty.

My boss was determined to dismantle that group, as it was defiant of his principles. They weren't willing to submit to him. In essence, my boss seeks control over everything, by any means necessary, to avoid any obstacles. He wants everything to be easy for him, but this tendency leads him to excesses, and then, feeling comfortable, people start to fight back.

We all feel comfortable, and under the assumption that there are rules, they aren't allowed to be, but the idea was to involve everything: the bureaucratic aspects and life outside of them, the social aspects. In this sense, the authorities were reluctant to speak publicly, because they must defend to the employees the principle that they operate based on their freedom to socialize while also being able to do their jobs—a vital balance for any company, since situations can arise in both areas that could be detrimental to everyone, and the issue is public, not confined to just one group within the company. However, my boss doesn't operate from that perspective, unlike many others there. Everyone operates from their own limited perspective instead of acting within the constraints of their position and status, in a way that fosters empathy regarding how the company operates. This attitude is evident at parties, where people socialize to share comments, but never discuss the internal matters of each group. At work, however, there is restriction. In this sense, parties allow for the silencing of internal situations, preventing them from being exposed. Company parties function as a veil, concealing details of each group's inner workings and, at the same time, provoking those who might be interested, thus allowing them to be denounced, for goodness' sake.

Well, I discover many interesting things as life throws curveballs at me regarding the girl, since I always occupy a space where she's not present, generally speaking, although curiously, I'm always looking for her. Of course, this allows me to express that I'm not enjoying myself without her, which in turn makes my being with her evident to the group, because otherwise it would be a cover-up, not facing the public. The world of human relationships is a very interesting thing to me, especially when it involves the absolute destruction of the ideal of what a company should be, not under a rigid compliance scheme, but one where it needs its space to thrive, in terms of respecting the bureaucratic system. I don't know personally if there's anyone in the office who wants me to know this. Well, they act it out, but that doesn't make them aware of it. It's impressive to see how easily they're swept along by the current; they're like puppets, protecting themselves from conflict, from being marginalized. That's the main reason, I think, for this eagerness to go with the flow, and they've all mobilized to be part of it. To that extent, people are manipulated to achieve mobilizations, as long as they can justify it to others outside the group to guarantee stability within those other groups.

The spirit of individuality isn't established, and these people fill me with immense fear. I can't show myself as an individualist, as I've always been; it would be dangerous. And she can't show herself as someone who likes to socialize, not at all. We're not allowed either because it implies suspicion. Being together solves that problem, and that's why we enjoy this. This is true in every environment, based on how our family members define us.

The people in the office have rather strange notions of life. They don't know what forces they're dealing with; they live more at their mercy. I'm tired of writing so much about this, but I suspect it's because I haven't been to the office, not because I've been in my own world as much as I wanted, but because I'm trying to shape it somehow by not being there. I'm not there because of recent tragedies in my homeland. I feel that the world there is completely alien to how I understand it. They operate through group dynamics, not according to bureaucracy, but rather using it as a shield for their own forces to carry them out. Bureaucracy establishes the rules of conduct and what is permitted, thus creating a kind of arena where one survives by advancing oneself, by any means necessary. In this sense, one definitely doesn't understand what a company is, because bureaucracy serves as a guide for carrying out actions; it's the foundation for action, the basis from which groups are mobilized. In other words, what is inherent to these groups results in a way of mobilizing based on bureaucracy, within a particular form of praxis that, when compared to other groups, serves as an example of bureaucratic praxis. Otherwise, the idea that groups operate under a self-defined framework is embraced; that is, they don't become flexible but rather islands within the same organization. However, I can't explain this in a million years, precisely because such islands will fiercely resist change, since they are already defined. The consequence of these islands is precisely the need for gossip, in order to see where each group will strike, so as to carry out a practice. That is, such islands lead to gossip and a behavior that actually maintains them. It's incredible how this is seen as funny and no one does anything about it. In fact, the use of blindness to the misuse of bureaucracy is applauded as a defense, even though the matter is completely illegal and, by God's grace, complicity is complicity.

Personally, I don't know what I'm doing in a company like this. I think it's precisely because of this, because of these islands, that I'm with a girl where we're transparent, each on our own, but always together, precisely because we make our relationship unique, we make it so that we're truly there. We set aside formalities because it results in being just like this environment, and we absolutely don't want to be like that, not in any way. We're not interested in dealing with people like this, and we're fed up because it's all about appearances, and we're overwhelmed by clinging to them, by being scolded because of those prejudices, by suffering through events that are unrelated to what we committed to. We're tired of being absorbed and we don't want them. If the authorities lack the necessary competence to effectively unite us, that's not our problem, but we can't continue paying for their negligence. My friend does her best to avoid the people who want to take us in when I'm with her, and when it's my turn, I simply keep my distance. I like to be alone, and people take advantage of that, playing on the "shortcomings" of her not being with me, but I refuse because I'm with her. It hurts not to be involved in her affairs, but I recognize that she's somewhat intrusive. Besides, to do something that probably won't be significant, I won't contribute anything, and that's partly why people avoid her because she's always talking about them to others, in a way she thinks is funny, but others, precisely because of her inability to do anything and her exaggerating it, consider her narcissistic.

It's curious, but the bosses never want to be around her, perhaps to avoid revealing that they're seeking her out for some ulterior motive, given that she does indeed hold a privileged social position thanks to her skillful acquisition of material wealth and the frequency of certain things. The bosses don't want to lose her because of this ability, which could easily cause complications at the top. However, since her contributions are somewhat burdensome, this is undermined, leading to her marginalization by everyone else, who don't enjoy listening to her stories. Both the others and the bosses feel drawn in: the former to avoid losing her, and the latter for the benefits she might offer. In short, she's caught between a rock and a hard place. My boss wanted to distance me from her after she spread some gossip, but for me it was nothing more than a social grievance. Things got out of hand during an argument, and I stood firm in my position. Besides, it all turned out to be in my best interest to defend my work, while she vehemently believed it was something else entirely. Indeed, she was disoriented and didn't know what to do; she needed everyone's support.

That's when her need for support arose, and that's why she told everyone, surprisingly, in a frightened way—it's what they would have called "a complete mess." She simply acted according to her own social norms, completely disregarding her bureaucracy. My boss was totally in his own world, initially thinking I shared his principles. At least now he's understanding that I'm not on his wavelength and that I never liked her. The reason I went to him was to make him keep his word regarding a promise he had made to me, nothing more. However, his insistence on it, which wasn't transparent, made him think he had other motives, and also that he had no other option but to keep me on his side. Such a mindset is conducive to imposing his will, which is unfortunate.

I don't know how the girl is doing right now; I recently saw her in an Instagram photo posted by her boss. I can't move the girl, as long as she can radically differentiate herself from the other employees in relation to me. That is, she doesn't like to follow any formalities and needs that to be understood. This is part of her approach, where she abandons herself and gives herself over completely, thus establishing her difference from other coworkers, since she's a friend. I love her very much, but they didn't like her at the office because of it. I personally ignored her behavior; I couldn't control myself, and indeed, that always required going further, adapting to the circumstances, being timid, which was the way to achieve a moderate level of control over the situation. Furthermore, she, who is building her career, needed a life partner by her side, since she didn't have one, at least not at the office, at least not within this work environment. I don't know if she has someone else out there, the fact is that she doesn't move in accordance with others; she always moves alone, and that's quite complicated. She doesn't feel protected, at least not at the office. I don't think she'll ever leave me if she has to. I think she'll always carry me with her because I'm there to give her lots of affection, while she remains passive, receptive, and opens doors for it however she can. Without a doubt, it seems I have a place in her life, a unique one, initially, because I'm a stranger, and I've managed to overcome that, through actions, as it should be, more than with words. As a stranger, not being in the same context as her, where everything is defined and there are no gaps, everything lends itself to manipulation.

My boss, it seems, lived only for ensuring the group's image wasn't compromised. That's what he calls taking care of the group, a completely rigid thing that he tries to maintain at all costs, even playing the victim if necessary. He's definitely not someone who adheres to any principles, because for him, that would be rigid and risky for the future, for the world he inhabits. For him, being the one with the most bureaucratic power, it's considered the one who can obtain the most benefits, therefore everyone else has to fall because of him. His imposing way of doing things has caused him problems, because he acts on his own, not for the company's benefit.

Same old story with me. I'm like a broken record. I hate this. Some days I'm clearer, I can manage the flashbacks or the whatever. But other days I can't. I can't focus, I see images of things I don't want to see anymore or hear screams. Or I remember so vividly I get lost in the flashbacks for like, 3 seconds, and I even say what I'd have said, or did, during whatever moment I'm remembering. There's no Escape from it.

I hate that it's cost me so much. Of myself and ofc my pals. I just want this stuff out of my head. But that's impossible. Therapy be damned, I will always live with these memories, I know this, I've spoken to so many people with the same type of haunts, and it never, ever leaves. Will it persist to my deathbed? And always questions, stupid useless questions with no answer, but my childhood self is still asking why, how, why. Stupid! But I keep ah, keep on asking ahaha, ahhh fuckk man. fuck me. And sleeping, oh my love. My mistress(a full night's rest) fuckin eloped on my ass because I can't even get proper rest. Always screams.

Was easier when I wasn't in bed alone. Oh well. I wonder how much more of this I can take feasibly before idek. something has to change

I have been married to my husband for almost 20 years. We have kids together and have been relatively happy together- just the normal issues! I recently dropped some weight and strangely enough have started feeling insecure- which never have felt in all the years in our marriage. I just all the sudden had a sick/ empty pit in my stomach that something wasn’t right. So I started noticing things. He went to lunch with an attractive co- worker- which I was upset about and he thought it was funny. Then I noticed him being on his phone ALL the time and taking it everywhere with him. And a few nights while I was in bed I swear I saw him looking at girls online. I confronted him about it and he said it was TikTok and it was not anything. I swear I saw nudity. And so a few nights later I swear I saw him looking at girls again, and again he said I was crazy. He even gave me his phone (for a short time). But he is very good at lying and hiding things. I know what I saw. And now he will be on his phone and when I come near him I can tell he is switching out of what app or website he is on. I told him I think he has some other secret life on his phone and he just tells me I have lost it. And since then he has been disconnected, mean, ignoring me a lot of times and picking fights. So now I don’t know what to do. And then he will randomly be nice one day and buy me things. Its so up and down and before I brought anything up it was mostly all great days!

I can’t look through his phone-it’s literally always with him and he is too good at hiding things anyway. So I have no “physical “ proof “ but I just know he is being shady. I don’t want to end a 20 year marriage over this , but I don’t want to continue like this either. I feel like now that I have outed him -he has pushed me away, so who knows how long this has actually been happening and I was just naive! I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to keep looking for proof- which is literally causing so much anxiety. And part of me just wants to ignore this and make it go away and go back to how it was before.

Owning a small business, especially in New York, comes with its own set of challenges and hurdles that we must navigate daily. Recently, I've found myself neck-deep in a sea of negative online comments targeting my little establishment: completely unwarranted, I might add! It's been overwhelming, to say the least. These aren't genuine complaints from unsatisfied customers; rather, they read like orchestrated attempts to tarnish the reputation of my newly launched cafe. Given the sudden influx and uniformity in phrasing, I strongly suspect it's a competitor who's taken this underhanded approach to gain an edge over us.

Having invested significant time and energy into building this dream (a place where passion meets hospitality) it's disheartening to see how easily nameless adversaries can manipulate digital platforms for their benefit. One would expect some healthy competition but not such malice. The other day, I reflected on an old saying: "If you can't beat them, join them," yet joining hands with unethical practices is not something I stand by. It leaves me questioning: does customer trust even matter anymore when sleazy tactics undermine genuine effort? Despite maintaining high standards in both service and quality, there's this constant shadow cast by negativity that seems all too personal lately...😟 How does one fight shadowy figures with keyboards as weapons; framing every win as tainted due to unseen whispers behind screens?

A good friend of mine has DID (dissociative identity disorder). We've known eachother for about two months... and we hit it off, with a fight. Even though we've moved past that, it honestly feels like they're better off with nobody, at this point. I don't say this because I wish on their downfall--just that, I'm not any better than their past relations. I might be an improvement, but I'm not what they're looking for. I don't want them to suffer with someone who can't understand them completely, as only another system can fully comprehend what they're saying. No matter how many documents I make, how many terms I know, I won't ever truly be able to soothe their ache without having been in their skin for one day.

I've always kind of been the therapist friend, knowing just what to say to calm down a person from their crisis. I've noticed I can't quite ''handle'' neurodivergent people, and I want to change that. I want to learn, I want to be a person they can trust, a help in their life. I don't want to be a dead weight like most neurotypicals are. It genuinely hurts me every time I mess something up, every time I'm oblivious to their cries of help, every time their doubt doesn't get through my thick skull. I want to understand, to fix things about my behaviour, to stop being so sensitive over every mistake (Not to make this about me, but sometimes I do cry myself to sleep).

I wish I could ask them, but I can't. I genuinely cannot. I've got my own issues--feeling inadequate, emotional, temperamental... but I want to be atleast a little bit better for them. If anyone has any advice, I welcome it with open arms.

Alright, folks, here's the deal. I've been dealing with some heavy stuff and it's apparently confusing to people around me. You ever get to that point where you're like, 'How did we even get here?' Because that's my constant thought recently. I've got friends asking why I'm distancing myself and being all weird but honestly, it's just managing my own mental bandwidth. Like when you've been clocking in too many hours on Zoom meetings filled with endless corporate jargon and then you need some time alone to just detox. Seriously, these virtual meetings are taking a toll on my sanity sometimes with relentless pinging of notifications from work chat apps driving me up the wall. We're all in this tech-driven hamster wheel and I swear half the time I feel like shouting Basta enough already! There's really only so much 'synergy talk' one can listen to before wanting to run for the hills.

But seriously speaking (or writing rather), am I wrong for wanting some peace? For stepping back when it feels like everyone else is running towards chaos at full speed? I swear I'm not trying to be dramatic or pull off some grand gesture of withdrawal from important relationships. It's about getting back in touch with ourselves without corporate emails constantly interrupting our personal space. Just because I'm setting up a Wall of Silence doesn't mean I'm donning armor against everyone and everything forevermore... Gimme a break! 😅 Maybe instead of assuming it's something they said or did wrong I'd appreciate it if folks would consider that sometimes people just need solitude—not as punishment but as preservation. A skilled pianist knows when each note needs silence between things and right now that's what I need… a pause moment in life's noisy symphony.

It's strange, my family. I don't mean just because of the crazy shit either. Remove the gang shit, the drugs, the main plate- and I'm kind of a stranger to them. Weirdest thing.

Recap:

After it all blew over- or up, depending- and my siblings scattered too. Ended up on my own at 14.

Did what I could, when, and how. Time passes. I struggle, yeah. But I'm here. So:

About more than a decade later, very select members of my fam- mostly the distant rels- try to talk, or get in my life a bit. Here's the thing though: Even before, yk, the gang stuff- when we were a sorta normal fam- They treated me and my sister like mistakes. Not just beatings, but like, just rotten behavior. The rest? Watched.

So, naturally, we don't really speak to anyone. At all. My dad, for instance, feels guilty for leaving me in that environment. Took me a while to give him an inch, but I did. And it's been up and down. Same with grandparents: Guilt. But it's not just their conscience here, it's mine.

They come into my life, and yk, they know what they saw back then. But they seem to think they know it all. There are times I've shared some.. yk, fucked up shit. Real dark, things I seen or yk. And they look at me like they've seen a ghost. They say things like, not that they don't believe, but almost as a "Surely I'd have known about that" and its like BRO yall fuckin ran and left us behind. Maybe you SHOULD have known, but ya don't. Y'dig?

But it's not just that. Sometimes they get so..idk. Ig maybe them running off to live normal lives while me and sis got our shit rocked 24/7 sometimes prevents them from understanding that we are self made, self rescued. We didn't have help- and we didn't need it, yk, mostly, turns out.

So they come back into our lives, ask tough questions and when the answer is, circumstantially, horrific- they seem to know it all. They tell me "Ah you can't let that get you down.' Yes, good advice. Only I just told you I saw a man burn to death over 1000 dollars debt. Thats.. like wtf is that response? "Well that's unfortunate." UH??? WHA?

YOU asked ME!

If it ain't that, it's this weird misunderstanding that my struggles are trivial- idk if it's bc I'm young, and like some really stupid folk, they assume age limits your experiences- but they literally cannot understand how I'm traumatized. What's more, they're smothering me- or try to. They give off the "oh shit we really fucked him up, kinda failed, please please forgive us" but laced with a "let's try to make him who we want". And well, I don't take kindly to that. Ain't no one making me anything. Idk, does any of this make any sense?

Another thing I hate, is when they actually want to ask questions or.. talk about bad stuff, especially failures or things they did wrong, they sugar coat it, and I just.. nah. Nah bro. They treat me like this odd thing, a curious thing to look at and wonder about, and then ignore. Strangest thing really. Family is such a foreign concept to me, disgusting almost, I know that's my own experience but fuck, man. I think what's going to happen is imma make my peace and dip. They want control, they want to be nosey so they can judge. They want to ask questions and pick them apart, but shrink when the answer is given. That's like asking a vet if he's killed a man, or a paramedic if they've seen a man die, and getting disturbed when they say yes.

Idk. I guess I just didn't expect my entire bloodline to be a punch of spineless cowards.

Or, if it's not that,

OMG, I can’t believe I'm even writing this... So, we had this huge argument yesterday that was like about nothing. Literally, it was over which TV show to watch. 🤯 My boyfriend just blew up and got really aggressive (again!). He actually hit me: it's the second time now. WTF?! Like seriously, who does that? I'm just sitting there stunned and thinking 'is this really happening??' He's usually so sweet but when things don't go his way he flips out. It's hard because I care about him but man, I’m not gonna accept being treated like this anymore. Ugh, there's all these feelings swirling around but one thing is clear: I've got to do something about it.

Honestly y'all, I'm kinda scared and confused at the same time 😩 Trying to imagine a future without him feels bizarre; yet facing a reality where violence becomes a norm isn't an option either. And yeah my mom would say leave... but it's not straightforward...or maybe it is? Why does love have to be so complicated though? Cuz deep down somewhere in me there’s hope he'll change but also a fierce need for self-respect screaming 'get out while you still can!' 😡 Going between feeling mad at myself for trusting him initially then back to missing the good parts of our relationship... my brain is literally on a rollercoaster here! Seriously though (and most importantly) standing up for myself matters more than anything else; I deserve better ✌️

so, i'm 21 and kinda at a crossroads here? i’m a girl and have been in a relationship with my amazing girlfriend for a while now. we vibe so well together. recently, she brought up the idea of having a fun night with her best friend who happens to be a guy. the thing is that she was super clear about what she meant: it wasn't just going out for drinks! 😊 yeah, that's right, like having us three bringing some extra spark to our... umm adventures?! can you see my predicament?!?!

anyway, i've never ever considered myself interested in guys but when she proposed the idea... didn't hate it; it felt intriguing!!! idek if I would call it curiosity or something deeper but part of me was interested. maybe that makes me bi or maybe it's just situational attraction?! who knows!!! i’ve read so much stuff online like Kinsey scale and labels preaching freedom and acceptance and all but they're only partly relatable?

i chatted briefly about this with one of my closest friends who identifies as pansexual herself; she's always been super supportive no matter what topics we dived into (totally love her for that). although when i tried explaining how his presence might add another layer entirely new and exciting dimension... she's convinced i'm just exploring latent bisexuality or something.

am i overthinking this or could it mean something real about myself? on one hand.. branching out seems thrilling yet daunting; anyone else experience similar conflicting feelings???? because this whole dimension is uncharted territory loaded with possibilities excitement nervous anticipation:)

having a mom who hates you is tough. i'm 17 and a guy, wishing things were different. when she admitted (while drunk) that she wanted a girl instead, it was like a punch in the gut. it's not just words; it affects everything. feeling unwanted sort of messes with your mind, you know? every conversation feels loaded with unspoken resentment, like walking on eggshells all the time. there's no natural ease or warmth which makes being around her hard. as much as i try to change her perception, nothing seems to work. trying to stay polite and respectful but it's exhausting. not gonna lie, there are times when i question my own worth 😂 what's worse is that internal doubt creeps into other areas of life too: school, friends and even future plans all feel tainted by this negativity at home.

I'm 16 now. I forgot all about Kanye and many other situationships. I have a boyfriend now. Nick and I have been together for 9 months now. He kinda gives me a reason to live. We don't argue much, we can't actually start arguments anyway. But when either of us is down or feeling tired of everything, we sort it out. Many times when I fought with my dad and aunt, i would hide in the small living room that's no longer used in my aunt's floor. I'd lock myself up and call him. He always eased me. Sometimes in the past, we had a lot of miscommunication. Mostly because he saw our future while i couldn't see my own. He'd say stuff like "don't say that" or "I won't let you". It never really solved it. He has that habit now too. But I want to believe I've talked him out of it. I still fight with my dad a lot. But now, it's politics too. And religion. Because genuinely, I'm tired of the church he brings us to. It feels like a cult. And all of the words they say contradict each one. Yet some have some ground to them. Like goverment hating us all. The political parties just being a cover up so monsters with no brain can hide under red maga hats. But the all loving God? How is he all loving if he "hates lgtbq", "hates immigrants", "hates different religions", "hates sinners"? I'm pansexual but I've only come out to a few friends and my boyfriend. So, the God I'm supposed to pray and ask for help hates me? Interesting point. Very interesting. Makes me believe that Satan was treated absolutely unfair. What? Not my fault the church is not really God and it's actually men who would rather have me a sex worker than a scientist. Whatever. The point is; Everything still tires me to the bone. I'm tired. Of pretending I like things. I hate the system. I hate the God that men have shown. I hate the goverment. I hate people who think violence is an answer to someone being different, whether it is skin tone, sexual preference or just fashion style. I hate people who think they know it all but aren't trying to see a point from all views. I hate how the victims are getting blamed while the abusers and rapists are walking free and are having good lives. I hate how sensitive I get over things around me. But am I really the sensitive one if nobody has empathy and sympathy in this day and age? How are you expecting me to think of my future and enter a society that hates me and would rather have me killed than see me walking on the street? Guess what, I don't have a future at this point. All I will see and hear is that the work I want to study and do for the rest of my life, which is chemical engineering, is not somethjing for me. Very few teachers believe that I'll actually get that job. Not just because the system won't let me, but also because I'm a woman. And a gifted one too. I ace school tests and exams like I'm playing a game. My teacher who does extra lessons to me for physics and chemistry so i can be ahead of people says he has seen brains like mine once in two decades. Maybe I sound egoistic. But shouldn't I be considering that I know what I can do but won't be able to do because of the damned stereotypes the whole world seems to hold onto for dear life? Anyway, that's mostly it I believe. Suicide still hasn't left my mind, it never did but whatever. My dad still doesn't treat it like I do but that's also never changed. The rest of the other vent is still the same. I just have Nick now being the best boyfriend ever and giving me hope everytime I fall. Love you all and thank you for sharing your points in the last vent. I did read them even though i didn't reply. Thank you all for caring.