Life Stories and Everyday Drama

I'll be travelling for the very first time for work in less than two weeks. I'm feeling excited but at the same time I know myself and deep down I'm kinda worried about eating food that I don't like at all or staying in a hotel room that's not cozy at all.

Maybe I need to just enjoy the trip and be really flexible with my style of life

i am 34 and i am a woman who has been through enough cycles of disappointment to recognize the pattern without romanticizing it. past relationships followed the same workflow, initial alignment, rising expectations, emotional debt, and then a slow system failure that left me managing the fallout alone. i recently finalized a divorce, which sounds clinical but felt like a long decommissioning process, shutting down shared assets, shared routines, shared hope. people tell me i should feel relief, and i do, in a measured way, like checking a dashboard and seeing no more critical alerts. still, the historical data matters, and it shapes my risk tolerance when it comes to feelings.

now there is this new guy, and the situation does not match my previous models. he communicates clearly, respects boundaries, and shows consistent behavior over time, which in relationship terms feels like stable infrastructure. i am not used to that. my nervous system keeps running old scripts, scanning for hidden costs, waiting for a sudden outage. happiness feels unfamiliar, almost like a foreign interface with no manual. i notice myself doing emotional forecasting, assuming loss before gain, trying to control outcomes instead of experiencing them. it is strange how calm kindness can feel louder than chaos, and how silence without tension can make me uneasy 🙂

i try to stay objective and observe what is happening without judgment. from a behavioral standpoint, this is a healthy dynamic, low volatility, high trust, good long term indicators. yet my internal compliance department keeps flagging it as suspicious. years of bad relationships trained me to equate intensity with value and conflict with connection. now there is space, and i do not know how to fill it without breaking something. part of me wants to self sabotage just to return to familiar ground; it feels safer to manage pain i know than to invest in joy i do not fully understand.

i am learning that happiness does not always arrive with fireworks, sometimes it shows up as reliability and shared planning. i am trying to reframe this phase as a pilot program rather than a final launch, gathering data, allowing small wins. fear does not mean something is wrong, it might mean something is different. i keep asking myself, and maybe you too, what if being happy is not a trap but a skill that can be learned? i do not have the answer yet, but i am willing to stay curious and see where this goes, because growth often starts exactly at the point where comfort ends.

I still feel like I need my anti depressant but my family wants me to get off of it because they claim its toxic to me and messing with my mind. When I was off of it I had horrible thoughts like hurting friends in violent ways, starving myself, running away hoping some shady person would kill me ect. They all say I seem like I feel okay but I hide my emotions I rarely let on when I am upset or anything and have a hard time expressing my emotions anyway

I just an account of females in my husband IG. I just thought to myself If I kept single over all the years I wont be this i secure or bothered. My doctor is right when she told me to keep myself single until I haven't resolved my trauma.

As a nice treat fro myself I've managed to save enough up to reapir and repaint my wheels as they had been beaten by previous owner, 2 days after got all wheel finally done and doing it all my self and money spent on the sanding and painting of the rims and new tyres. I drove down a tight street and trying to avoid another person ended up slowly scraping the curb, so now one of my brand new wheels which I managed to just save up for it ones again scuffed

I’m 41, a woman, married for a long time, and last week I cheated on my husband!! I’m writing this here because it’s anonymous and because I don’t know where else to put it!!! I keep replaying it like it was something that happened to someone else, like a bad scene in a show I didn’t mean to watch?? People talk about “midlife crises” like it’s a punchline, or they say stuff like “women my age just want to feel seen,” and I nod along even though none of that explains anything to me!!! I wasn’t unhappy in any dramatic way, nothing was on fire, nothing was missing in some obvious checklist sense!! We have routines, we have history, we have a shared calendar, a shared mortgage, shared jokes that aren’t funny anymore but still comforting!!! And then I stepped outside of all that for one night and now I’m here, typing, wondering how someone can act so out of character without realizing it until after?? Is that how it always happens, or is this just me rationalizing?? I don’t feel proud, I don’t feel thrilled, I don’t even feel especially guilty in the movie-version way people describe, I mostly feel confused and flat and observant of myself like a case study!!

I keep asking myself why, like there’s supposed to be a neat answer hiding somewhere!! Was it boredom?? Validation?? Opportunity?? I’ve read posts where people say “it just happened,” which sounds fake until you’re the one saying it out loud!!! I don’t recognize the version of me who said yes so easily, who didn’t stop to think about consequences in the way I usually do, who didn’t imagine my husband’s face or our life or the logistics of betrayal?? The weird part is how normal everything looked from the outside, I went to work, I made dinner, I laughed at something dumb on TV, and no one noticed anything different!!! There’s a quote I keep thinking about, something like “we are not who we think we are, we are who we do,” and that feels uncomfortably accurate right now!! I’m not spiraling, I’m not planning to blow up my life, I’m just sitting with the fact that I did something I always said I wouldn’t!! How do you reconcile that without rewriting your entire identity?? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and decide which version counts??

I’m not here to ask for advice exactly, and I’m not looking for absolution or punishment either!! I just needed to say it somewhere that doesn’t immediately demand a lesson or a takeaway!!! There’s this pressure online to turn everything into growth or trauma or empowerment, and honestly I don’t know what this is yet!! One sentence I keep coming back to is this; I don’t recognize myself. I’ve seen people say “everyone is capable of anything under the right circumstances,” and that scares me more than it comforts me!!! If you’ve ever done something that didn’t match your self-image, how did you hold both truths at the same time?? Did you eventually feel like yourself again, or did you accept that the old version was never that solid to begin with?? I’m asking genuinely, not dramatically, because right now I’m just a 41-year-old woman observing the aftermath of a choice and trying to stay objective about it!!! Maybe this is just a moment, maybe it’s a crack, maybe it’s nothing at all!!! I don’t know, and that not-knowing is the part that makes me feel like a stranger to myself, does that make sense??

my partner and i have been together for a couple of months now. he and i both have BPD aka Borderline Personality Disorder.

today, i found out that he claimed one of his friends as his FP or Favorite Person. i know this friend, i talk to them sometimes but as far as i was aware, this friend isn't that close with my partner since they just met recently. but somehow, they became his FP.

there's nothing wrong with it because i understand that you can't control when these things happen, but i guess it's just making me upset since i'm his partner and it feels weird knowing that i am not his FP, despite having known him for longer + we're literally together.

i don't know if i'm overreacting or not. i've already communicated with him about how i want to be put first sometimes, because usually it's me reaching out or it's me starting a conversation or me planning dates and stuff. but he hasn't done anything at all even after promising he'd try to change this. i'm even overthinking about how he might be cheating on me with this friend.

anybody out there with bpd or a similar disorder, can you give me some advice? should i break i off or should i try to talk with him more?

So just for a background on me so it isn’t confusing.

I’m 19F and I’ve been homeschooled since I was in grade 3 till grade 8 so I had no experience with friends. I also have a anxiety disorder and really bad social anxiety

Anywayyyyyy—

To my story.

So I have this friend I’ll call D. Me and him have been friends for over 6 months now. We’re pretty close, hang out atleast once a week, tell each other everything and anything. It’s awesome. Truly.

But I feel like I’m too much. Maybe it’s just my anxiety. Maybe not. That’s why I’m here.

When I make friends I’m pretty quiet and just anxious any little thing I do is gonna make them upset. But once I get comfortable I get abit hyper and sometimes don’t really think about what I say until after the fact.

Like once we were making jokes at a clothing store, I joked about something he’d said the day before and he got really quiet for a few minutes before going back to normal.

I have had alot of friends just up and start ignoring me just cause they can or I become to much I don’t really know cause everyone just says I’m fine.

But it’s gotta be me. Three different people who were in my friend group for over three years don’t just up and leave cause they can.

And I’m scared. Cause I really like D. He’s been my first real friend I’ve had in a long time and I don’t wanna go back to being alone and friendless cause I’m an idiot.

Kinda just ranting at this point but hey that’s what this is for.

I’ll give acouple examples so I’m not asking people to blindly judge me. 😅

1.

Me and D were at a friend of ours house that were not to close with. We got talking about D and his sexuality (which he’s very openly gay) we weren’t being offensive or anything. I made a joke about his crush he had, not insulting just joking about his type (which he’s very openly does to me all the time) and he got really quiet for afew minutes.

2.

I was tutoring a kid of my coworkers and he asked me to call D (he knows him and his mom) I did and we got joking about a funny picture I have of D. He knows I have it, he finds it funny to and even encouraged me to show our close friends. He has funny pictures of me and I allow him to joke about them to. The kid brought up the picture I showed him and his mom and D got really quiet for afew minutes and then went back to normal.

Am I over sharing? Am I being too much? Should I quiet down? Just need some suggestions.

Thanks 🙏

Sooo i've been doing an art project, a video, for a mini movie-contest. For context It's supposed to be about the history of our lands and town. i'm doing almost everything from scratch, but i'm not very good at It tbh. I've been working on It a lot lately, so far i have the first 20 seconds done and other bits and pieces (🥲) but It's kind of crap. I put a lot of effort into It, but I still kind of hate how It looks. And now i have mixed feelings. I'm not sure If i should continue, just BC it matters a lot to me, or If i should just give up. Like idk if It's worth it.

growing up in this neighborhood, I've always seen families yelling at each other. it's like a daily routine here. every morning and evening, their harsh words fill the air. it gets to a point where I just put on my headphones and try to drown them out. have you ever wondered why some people constantly argue? sometimes I think they don't even remember what started the debate. it's just their way of communicating, which baffles me.

life here isn't easy, and living in a poor area of California doesn't offer many opportunities. most families are struggling, working multiple jobs, and trying to make ends meet. but still, the constant bickering seems unnecessary. is all that yelling really helping anyone feel better at the end of the day? 🤷‍♂️ sometimes I feel like I might not understand their situation entirely, but does that really justify turning every conversation into a shouting match?

i have dreams of getting out of here and finding a better life. the yelling gets to me, and I wish to live in a place where people talk to each other with kindness and understanding. wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up to laughter instead of arguments? i'm hopeful that one day, I'll be in a community that cherishes peace and supports one another. it feels like a distant dream now, but I believe it's possible.

for now, I have to learn to cope with my surroundings and stay positive. living here teaches me patience and resilience, although the loud disputes can be discouraging. it's not always easy to stay optimistic when the world around you seems so chaotic; but I'm determined to move forward, stay focused, and someday make my escape to a quieter life. who knows, maybe my story will inspire others to find their peace, too.

So, I've always been pretty sure in myself. I always believed that I knew myself well and I have always been sure in my personality. I don't know if this is just me overthinking, but I am turning 17 soon and I have realized that I don't really know if there is much depth to my personality. I have done a lot of growing in recent years, and I am far different know from the person I used to be. which is to be expected as a kid growing up. the only issue is that know I don't really know who I am. I know what I like, and don't like, but that's about it. sometimes I wonder if I am emulating my personality from certain aesthetics that I like. most of it feels like me, but sometimes I wonder if I am trying to hard to fit into one box, and other times I feel like I need to commit to one group so that I don't feel like an outsider. but my biggest issue is that I really don't know myself. and I am deeply afraid of having a shallow personality. I wonder if thats why I have a tough time making friends, or if thats why some of my friends will forget about me or ignore me. I realize that I am probably thinking into this too much, but I really am afraid of having a weak personality. does anyone have any advice for how to fix this and become a more interesting person? or for how to become more assured in myself? I really don't know why this has been bugging me so much. I think its worse because I used to be so self assured and know that I am getting older I am realizing that there are things about me that people don't like and it is just a lot to take in. anyway, thanks for being here for my rant

I’m so sorry you had to have me. I’m sorry I’m not any better. If I could walk out a door and it would mean that your life would be free of me, I would do it. I’m sorry I’m such a lazy kid. I can’t help it, mommy. Your daughter is so so tired. I’m pretty sure I have depression, but I can never get diagnosed. I’m sorry mommy. I’m such a rebel. I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’m sorry for being a burden. I’m sorry I never follow what you say. Sorry for staring at you in a mean way. Sorry for ever being born and ruining your teenage years. You never deserved that. You deserve your freedom. Now, I’m sorry if one day I ever decide that I want to go and disappear for forever. I don’t see a future for myself, mommy. It’ll just be my siblings with you along the way, and if you ever cry on the day that I die, I’m sorry for breaking your heart.

My whole childhood(until 10 years old) I spent in the biggest room of our little house, alone and surrounded only by plushies and markers. Dad was always away for work. Mom was busy with her own job. I was left alone. No one to talk to, no one to play with, and no one to hug but myself. At first it may seem like they didn't care at all, but no, my parents are amazing people, they were just... busy.

(And yes, I know most people here would much prefer some sort of cheating drama but this is a venting app okay? also sorry if I make any writing mistakes english isn't my first language)

Two years later Im sitting in my room, now living in an apartment, reading smut after smut in an attempt to feel any kind of connection. school is horrible, each day feels like routine and my only way out is doomscrolling and spacing out with music on full volume in my headphones, pretending life is okay. I feel this void inside me, this sickening urge to seek out somebody, anybody who would just hold me for hours on end. I long for an embrace and yet I am too scared to ask for it straight up because I am not used to speaking. That's where the second thing comes in — my speach. J constantly stutter, I struggle with expressing my opinions, I have sudden waves of talking whenever I get the chance, and I will never be able to speak out about the void inside me. That moves on to the next thing:I'm afraid of telling th8s to my parents. Why? Well, dad has his own trauma and he shows it by joking about spanking me with a belt, by saying "growing up strong can only happen if you have been hurt in childhood" and it drives me nuts. Also, my mom is all about being all supportive and modern, but the whole "always calm down first" thing? And worst of all, drum roll please, therapy is shamed in our country! Another thing I want to mention is praise — I never got much praise beyond my drawing skills and my ambition for learning english. So now, whenever I get complimented, I always reask to make sure it's not a joke, that they mean it, and is a desperate attempt to get more praise. Because toys can't tell me of I'm good at something or not.

Alright, I think that's enough. Thank you for being here, and thank you for listening!

(https://youtu.be/bCoMKguyo7w?si=4WpOGA-Err0zJXIF)

Every year on my birthday, I find myself caught in a whirlwind of well-meaning chaos. As an autistic person, fully processing and reacting to family and friends sending me video messages with birthday wishes often feels like trying to walk through a funhouse distortion mirror room. Their genuine affection is clear, and for that, I am perpetually grateful, yet the pressure to deliver an adequate response in return is exceptionally daunting. In receiving a video message or even a traditional card, I often wonder, what’s the best way to thank these wonderful people who took time out of their day to make mine special? Should I simply reply with a text or perhaps even attempt my own video message back? I've tried various methods over the years, but somehow I always feel that my responses fall short in expressing the depth of my gratitude. My family, bless their hearts, are always enthusiastic, and their messages burst with joy and colorful confetti of random anecdotes and jokes, but deciphering these signals and responding with matching enthusiasm proves challenging, like solving a puzzle with a few missing pieces.

Reflecting on my personal anecdotes, I recall the time my cousin orchestrated an entire virtual birthday party, complete with coordinated games and a delightful slideshow of childhood photos. While I was deeply touched, I found myself flustered in the aftermath, unsure of how to respond appropriately. I thanked them, of course, but did my gratitude seem genuine, expressed solely through typed words and a scattering of emojis? In these moments, I consider whether my difficulty in conveying my feelings might be unique, or if others, regardless of circumstance, share this subtle plight. Despite my responses often feeling understated compared to the warmth I receive, I am hopeful that my family feels appreciated. This leads me to believe that genuine gratitude, though complex in expression, need not be extravagant. A heartfelt "thank you" can indeed speak volumes when delivered sincerely. Might there be a perfect balance between expressing gratitude and maintaining my own comfort? I continue to seek it, steering through the maze of social conventions, with each birthday providing another opportunity to refine my approach and, I hope, bring more serenity and authenticity to my expressions of thanks.

I can't f##king sleep as every time I try and sleep I end up having a bad dream ether about my nan or about what it feels like to die or to be dieing myself and the iner exsprances and the external exsprances that happen to you when you are dieing and I wake up from these dreams and end up having a panic attack.

please tell me it gets easier over time because I don't know how much longer I can put up with this for.

when I'm in the dreams it also feels like I'm being strangled by someone and I can't breathe.