Life Stories and Everyday Drama

So the thing is I'm in first year in my engineering college and 2nd sem. So I kinda used to run into this guy like rarely while commuting to college in public bus and like barely see him at college and I like him. And then at like my 3rd last exam went to him and asked his name, his department and told him my name. If I remember I used to have eye contacts with him like from my pov and then I get like 3 day gap for each exam and on the last day of exam which was like almost 6-7 days after I asked him his name he sent me req in insta and I accept his req. And then he texted me first too and asked why I asked him his name. I told him I wanted to get to know him seriously and we kinda ended up talking and realized we both kinda have same interest and hobbies. So I ended up asking if we could meet up and we met 2 times during the break and so he walked me home during these 2 meetups and when I told him about my case he told me he doesnt remember me at bus but rather used to see me sometimes during canteen from faraway and like most times my back. And it's been like 17 days or smth and now he doesnt text me first and college started from this week's monday and I asked him about text he says I find it boring to text and like I dont know what to say so I dont text. And when I asked him about how he should also ask me to meet up instead of me only he said you should plan the meetups. But then again when I'm with him he mirrors my way of talking like yesterday when I went like mhmm he goes like mhmmm and I went mhmm mhmm and then he also went like mhmmm mhmmm and then another time when I went like ahaa he goes like ahaaa too. And then he walked me home too yesterday? Like he goes like probably I need to go with you too. And then he told me how he used his money which was given to him to buy jacket to eat with me when we met up 2 times in the holiday and during the meet up at holiday he even held my bag like the stuff till I got home and we even shared the same umbrella and yesterday he got on bus and like asked if I wanted the window seat before sitting down by extending his hands and then he also kinda avoids eye contact with me but like we shared the same food, like I mean he ate from the same spoon as me and so I met him today at bus while traveling to college and he sat beside me and then again he avoided eye contact like talked straightly without turning to my side and so I don't know anymore. I'm just overthinking and overthinking. He also mentioned how he downloaded insta and tiktok to follow me and said like how he first just wanted to ask me why I asked his name and then somehow it's like this. What should I do????? This shit so confusing me.

Honestly i wanna end it like honestly i feel like no one cares and even if they did i know id just be memory after a long time so it doesn’t even matter im going insane like idk dude i hear voices and audible and sometimes visual shit fucking terrifies me like dude and my low self worth thats in the negatives i hate my self i feel like im the cause of my fathers death and he died in front of me i seen him die when i was twelve and i was a failure as a child a disappointment i dont even see myself as human im just spare parts with a price tag lien the only thing worth is my organs eyes and whatever else like thats how worthless i am and no one ever chooses me and well im at the edge and idk anymore ima be honest ima keep botteling this up like samething with friends im not someone s best friend i just exist god sometimes i cant wait till i die and if i kill myself im gonna do it with life insurance so i could finally be able to do something for once in my life god

After a couple of months of dealing with unemployement I’ve found out a job. But it’s not truly what I’m looking for so my plan is to keep it until the end of the month and then look for something else. The only good thing is that I don’t hold any kind of debt.

I think that I wanna work like a freelance on my area under my own rules. But I’m not the kind of person to record a stupid TikTok or even create a site on ig or similar sites, lately I’ve been about my digital footprint too.

On the otherhand I really like to stick on a routine but when unemployement hits sometimes it’s hard to keep the track of it too. But I’m trying to do some kind of exercise, maybe run at least.

The funny thing is that from time to time I got some kind of migraine which is unbearable.

But life is full of hope and I believe in happier times again.

I've been very frustrated with myself as of late. I've been in a position where I have been forced to give promises to other people that I can be better. I don't like lying to people and being dishonest so it's been really hard for me to try and be something I feel like I can't promise myself to be. Don't get me wrong I do want to be a better person and have been trying to be better. I have put efforts to fixing my flaws but they have all been in vain. For example, let's say I have a deadline, i force myself to wake up early in the morning so i can try to get things done and have more time for myself but I cannot bring myself to get on my laptop and do the actual thing. It's really frustrating because I can't bring my body to do the things I need to get done. I don't particularly enjoy what I study but I have a passion to be decent at whatever I am doing. Things are not going well for me and to a level, I'm really lost on what I can do for things to change. Ideally, I take a gap year or whatever and get to rethink everything but I feel not entitled that privilege of being able to slow down. In a sense, I feel like even if I take charge for myself nothing about my situation will change. I think I've let go of the hope that kept me going and just letting life take me where i deserve to be.

My life is a mess.

I don't feel like I deserve calling it that way since a lot of people would point out that I don't match the criteria to complain.

Since when do I need to ask for permission to feel miserable? So, here I am, complaining somewhere that I won't feel judged.

Well, as I mentioned, my life is not exactly ideal.

I am studying to be a doctor. This is the root of my misery.

I was a very artistic, introspective child that had a clear inclination towards math and physics and still am. I loved physics, I was also good at it. On the other hand I always hated biology, I found it uninteresting.

I wanted to become an architect but my father wanted me to become a doctor. He didn't exactly force me, but I couldn't disappoint him, he is the person that I love the most in this world. I wanted to be an architect like him, we could work together and continue his firm.

I started studying for med school, I couldn't believe it that I was actually doing it. I always screamed that I would never become a doctor and well, there I was fighting hard for something I never wanted.

I didn't get in. I felt devastated. I got into another university , a nice one, but it wasn't med school. I considered that my happiness required med school which is a dumb thought as I later realised.

I tried again. I did it to prove myself that I have freedom. I won't submit to my fear, my exhaustion.

I got in but I felt miserable. I was happy my effort paid off but I lost a year of my life, my teenage years and my dreams.

The first months into med school I seemed to be doing great. I had friends, I was doing good at uni, I was partying, I was dating someone. Internally I was crying. My father realised it, the only one who finally saw it, and told me that he shouldn't have pressured me ever and that it is never late to just do whatever I want for once.

I won't abandon med school, it is kind of late. Maybe after it I can study something I actually like. It isn't exactly that I hate it, but I feel like I killed that young child that had hopes and dreams in its eyes. This is what I did! I betrayed myself for nothing. I may have compromised in my life but that's enough. I can't live like this anymore, no.

I miss my old ones. The only person I cared about left me and now I have an exam period threatening me. I couldn't focus this semester since I was mourning my failed relationship and my life in general. I feel so alone and misunderstood. Most of my connections here seem shallow and I don't want to make the ones I trust worried about me.

You get one life and I decided to live it that way, a way that didn't fit me, I already knew it, I way that doesn't include the people I love.

Why.

I can't understand why.

Even if I could I don't know if I would be peaceful. The problem isn't the explanation, I don't care about it anymore, I don't need answers, I just can't stand living a life being strangers with someone I genuinely cared about.

Well, let's get into the story.

I was always a shy girl, academically focused with low confidence. I had an awkward phase when I was a teenager but in highschool I got over it. However, I was never used to getting attention, so I was always anxious and didn't find myself worthy to be liked by anyone romantically, even though I always appreciated myself as a person in general.

I was really pressed to get into a certain university I never wanted, just because it was the best one, resulting in having not time to develop a personal life as a teenager and severe anxiety. However, when I finally got into that damn university I was too worried that I was totally inexperienced. I felt an urgency to just date someone to learn a few things, I was also curious.

Long story short, I met out of nowhere a guy with whom I had instantly an insane chemistry with. I didn't expect to find someone that would have actual depth. We could spend hours talking about everything, from abstract ideas, our deepest fears, to random silly things. We started dating after a while. Even though I liked him and he seemed respectful and interested I was always extremely worried and anxious about everything. I never trusted him and couldn't easily express my feelings. I seemed normal, friendly and possibly reluctant though. After some time I started falling for him, I genuinely cared about him and was sure that I wanted something serious. At the first stages of our dating phase I had avoidant tendencies and tried to find ways out but after calming myself down I realised that I wanted to stay. This was the first bell that maybe I had feelings. He had no idea I was that worried. When I care about someone I start panicking because it means something, I have recognised this pattern in myself.

However, knowing myself and how easily I can panic and leave, I decided that since I was sure I liked him to just do everything at a slower pace just so we can prevent doing anything impulsive that ruin our connection or his opinion of me. I wanted to understand what we were exactly. I wanted my time.

Well, I decided to tell him that, which turned out to be a stupid idea because he started panicking. After that he was distant and I was even more worried. I just thought that this whole time he was just pretending things and I was stupid. He reassured me that nothing was wrong, but I am not that naive, it was obvious things were not the same. He distanced himself saying he had some other problems, so I gave him space since he asked for it and that was it. I never bothered him again. I respected his decision.

I figured he didn't want a relationship but I learnt from a mutual friend some time after everything that he was with someone else.

I was devastated that I had lost that special connection. I just wanted him to smile, even if that meant that I wasn't with him.

I tried to heal, I thought I had managed that, until recently. I started dating a new guy but it isn't the same in a negative way. He seems a nice person but we don't have that spark we had with the other guy.

Sometimes I think that maybe our timing was bad or that I was too self protective, I couldn't relax. I just feel like I shouldn't have lost this person. We had a connection I never had with anyone else. I can't do anything about it. The worst part is that this feels unfinished. I just want to have a second chance with him, maybe at a time where we are both ok mentally. During the time we were dating I wasn't ok. I felt like I was betraying myself by choosing a profession I never wanted and had really depressive thoughts. Everything was also new , unstable. Now I am fine, I started using the verb 'want', I am not that shy and insecure. I feel like I am finding myself. I miss him genuinely.

It isn't just that he was my first real romantic connection, this felt unique. I am really careful with people, I don't easily fall for people, but he was something else.

I don't believe in fate, but if life let me meet him just so I lose him, then this is a joke. I can't have met him by accident. This must lead to something, I want him in my life in whatever way.

But he doesn't seem to reach out so it doesn't matter anyway. I will continue my life. I don't have another choice. I have to be respectful to myself and him.

Im not rich by any means but I really love spoiling my friends and family when I can, if I have something that they think is cool, they can have it! If they want something in a game, or want something drawn, hey ill buy it for you! Oh your short on money- Hey! no worries i can cover for you! Its like I cant even function without thinking of other people, im buying myself a sweet, and im just instantly like "oh so and so would like it" then buy some for them which theyre always happy about and it like makes me feel good and all but i just feel like this energy never comes back to me :( No birthday gifts, no christmas gifts (aside from my lovely parents getting me some :D), when im a bit short on money and i need some help everyone awkwardly looks the other way, when i ask them to pay me back for something I told them theyd have to payback they either a, get super defensive and call me spoiled or B, say theyll get to me and never do. I know the solution is just save up and stop spending money on people who obviously dont care about you! but i feel so unfufilled if im not using money to make somebody happy, i know its selfish but I like who dosent want someone to remember their taste and the things they like :,,(( at this point I think I just need to level up and get a boyfriend to spoil the life out of 😭😭

Sorry for the crappy wording

She's technically not my mother in law because I have yet to marry her son, but we've been together for 10 years this year. I recently had to get an abortion because we don't have the funds to take care of a child and neither of us want to raise our child with our shitty parents controlling the situations. It would've been an unhealthy situation for the child and it devastated me. I want to be a mother someday but it just wasn't the time and it hurts me every day. My parents were deeply angry with me for making this decision, blamed my boyfriend, and i ended up moving in with his family to get away from my parents because they would berate me constantly every time i was home. I don't work due to mental health and physical health issues. I am in therapy and on lots of medication. Anyway, my partner's mother is so overbearing, controlling, she complains about me when I'm not around, she complains to my face about my social anxiety and how quiet I am. She gets angry when I don't want to go to social gatherings that I don't need or want to be a part of, and then tells me I HAVE to come to the next one. It's just so overwhelming all the time. I feel like I left one bad situation to go to another. My poor boyfriend is so drained and unable to emotionally be there for me. I'm at a loss, every day my mood worsens and I feel more depressed and upset than the last. I feel that I lost control of my life completely just when I was finally starting to get better. Now I just feel more trapped and upset than ever. I don't wanna keep going.

Hi guys, I just wanna say based on everything I said earlier, I'm both sorry for whatever harmful things I've said and I wanna say something.

My artistic feeling is back and my art has improved drastically, and I'm now good at doing some crafting stuff as well and I'm okay. I'm 9th and I now have a good and fixed routine without any areas of burnout but for today I'm a little sick (I hope I'm fine the next day). My eczema is managed better and I don't feel so bad about my looks, and my teeth are anyways getting fixed with braces. My eczema hasn't worsened and I don't need biologics like Dupixent now (I never needed it earlier, bu for now, no). That MEFCC event here got postpones to September and it's still doable, and I have most of my cosplay stuff (I'm doing Joseph Joestar by the way). I'll actually move out of my original house after maybe 1.5 years but more importantly, to those who probably live in Middle Eastern, GCC nations like Saudi Arabia, Qatar or UAE, Iran was bombing us for a few months, to which I had to be in India for a month. Initially I was depressed because I was fearing my home could get destroyed, but I was with my extended family and now here I miss them even more, and everything is good here. Lesser people but they're coming back. I'm coping with school work, and I've got new friends and I managed to make up with an old friend, well sort of. I'm trying. I've learnt to now look at my past self and think about what could've been done better, and I'm trying to change now. I'm on better terms with my family, except my younger brother, he actually sucks, always rage-baiting me and my mom by acting like a rebellious teenager at 11. Anyways, everything so far is better and honestly, I hope this time I'm able to handle new issues. I handled the Iran bombings and moving away for a month, I can probably handle stuff. And the biggest one on the web....

You may have read the https://iiwiars.com/legal-drama/anarchists-communists-punks-arise and https://iiwiars.com/spiritual-journey-stories/i-m-scared-and-did-i-do-the-right-thing, and you all know how I said a mean comment and an older guy also thought it was cool. I got scared, called them out and then you all said it was good on me to not share even more info to them, but I just wanna say now, please, PLEASE, don't harass that person now. They apologized and said "hi, same guy here, very seriously sorry for discomfort, to assure u i dont wanna get too close or exploit anyone young, what u were standing for, and what i wish for too, is against exploitation, and one thing, age/human size power can be such a form of it, that comment reply was i meant like, compared to me when i was 13 years old, i had zero clue about any polotics or issues, i dont wanna groom anyone, and everyones anonymous here, rest of my response pretty much were both very angry and want accountability, once again sorry for that issue, dont wanna groom/exploit anyone or make them feel unsafe or like they can do stupid shit". They said sorry, never contacted me ever at all, and honestly, I'm glad and I forgave them. So yes, no more concern. Remind new people of this.

Been smoking weed every day since 2020. Can’t cope with loneliness, depression and anxiety and now I feel stuck. Quit my job on the spot, I have no money and I just don’t know what to do next

Why is it that everyone around me has so many ‘talking stages’ or crushes or are even dating someone and why is it that I’m still single? I’ve tried everything at this point and I don’t know what to do.. I’ve been on dating apps, have gone on dates and been ghosted afterwards… always tried to change to get others to look at me or even like me but nobody ever cares. When I look in the mirror, I’m not upset about my appearance.. I think I look pretty attractive but I might just be too confident. I might be too ugly for the people I’m interested in. .

I feel like a huge part of why I don’t have anyone yet is my interests and the way I look. I try to be honest and upfront on dates. I dress how I want, talk about what I want and I usually take the lead in conversations and decide what to do but I’m not white. I’m not normal. I don’t dress like everyone else. I’m not even truly straight. And maybe that’s why I’m so unloveable. Sure, I’m a man and I’m still pretty young and I have plenty of time, I know that!! But I’m missing out.

I’ve never experienced teenage love and I’ve never even had a real crush before. It’s like I force myself to like someone sometimes because they sort of like me.. but I can’t really see myself in a relationship with them, even if I crave it so much.. I just crave to be intimate with someone.. ANYONE at this point.

But honestly, I’ve given up. I pretend I don’t care when I actually really do but I just know that these type of things aren’t for me and will never ever happen to me simply because I don’t fit into the standard

I was feeling extremely suicidal and now I feel extremely numb and it’s pissing me off and I have this strong urge to cut myself I don’t know how to regulate it the sound just keeps lingering. I think this happened because I finally realized that I literally have no friends at all and my brain is just not accepting it. It hurts knowing that the people who ruined me are living a stable and healthy life while I just bedrot and binge all day

Writing this makes me wonder what if people think that I am really problem? What if everyone blames me? But am I really the problem? am i really the one at fault? It all started when I started going to college.Me typically being a very big extrovert started being an introvert.First day it was a big pressure new place new people will i fit in .I never once in my life was alone anywhere so the first day really made me tensed.Got into the classroom sat with someone who had a mean face but was rather friendly,A week passed by ,class elections had to be done myself being a great enthusiast of responsibilities even without knowing if anyone liked me stood for the election with utter confidence and failed by 2 votes.After two days a girl transferred from another branch to our class was sitting alone in a bench,she made me remind myself so i went and sat near her,she was really pretty but had a face of someone who is really quite,I hoped for a conversation and she made the first move and one of the first things she asked me was if i had a boyfriend and that question gave me a really bad flashback but with that question i knew we were gonna be bestfriends.

i don't really know how to say it without sounding like i am begging or being dramatic but i don't have friends and it feels weird because i am not even sure when it happened!! i used to think people just sort of stayed around if you were normal enough and nice enough and did not bother them too much?? but i guess that is not how it works for me!! i had people before who i talked to in class or at work or outside for little things and we laughed sometimes and it felt like maybe that was friendship but then when the reason to see each other was gone they just went gone too!! not in a mean movie way or anything like that just quiet and normal and kind of boring which makes it worse in a way?? because nobody did anything big and evil!! nobody betrayed me with a giant speech!! it was just messages getting shorter and plans not happening and me saying maybe next week and them saying yeah for sure and then nothing!! and i also did that sometimes so i can not act like i am innocent and perfect!! maybe i am hard to know!! maybe i answer too slow because i get scared and then i answer too much because i panic!! maybe i make people feel like i do not need them and then i sit in my room thinking why does nobody need me!! is that stupid?? maybe it is but it is still my real feeling!!

i remember one time i bought snacks because someone said they might come over and watch something with me and i cleaned my room badly but proudly like i was hosting a royal event even though it was just me shoving clothes under the bed!! then they said they were tired and could we do it another day and i said sure no worries!! i meant it too because people get tired and people have lives and i do not want to be that person who makes everything about me!! but after i said sure i just sat there with the snacks on the table and felt like the whole room got bigger and empty in a really ugly way!! i ate half of them and felt sick and then felt guilty for feeling sad about such a normal cancel thing!! so yeah i can see both sides!! people are allowed to cancel!! people are allowed to have other friends and families and problems!! but i am also allowed to feel like i am disappearing a little every time i get left on maybe!! do you ever feel like you are not hated but just not picked?? because that is the part that gets me!! i am not fighting with anyone!! i am not blocked by anyone!! i am just not the person anyone thinks to call when they are bored or happy or falling apart!! i guess i am writing this because i don't know where else to put it; maybe that sounds pathetic but i do not think it is only pathetic!! maybe it is just honest!! i think there is something really embarrassing about admitting you are lonely because people start looking for what is wrong with you!! are you too negative?? are you clingy?? are you boring?? are you secretly rude?? and maybe yes to some of it!! i have bad moods and i overshare and then i shut up for weeks!! i make jokes that land weird!! i say i am fine when i am not fine and then i get annoyed nobody guessed!! that is not fair to people either!!

the worst part is that i still like people!! i am not sitting here saying everyone is fake and terrible and i am the only deep person in the world!! i know some people are busy and some people are shy and some people already have full lives and maybe they do not even know i am lonely!! i also know friendship takes work and i have not always done the work right!! sometimes i wait for someone else to ask first because i want proof they care!! then they also wait maybe and then we both become ghosts!! that is kind of funny in a sad dumb way!! i have been trying little things like saying hello more and not acting like every conversation has to become a lifelong bond!! i try to ask about people and actually listen!! but sometimes after a normal talk i go home and replay every word like i was being tested and failed!! why is it so hard to just exist near people?? why does my brain make a small silence feel like a trial?? i do not want a huge group or some perfect life!! i just want one or two people who think of me without needing a reason!! someone who can text me something random and not make me feel like i am bothering them when i text back!! i want to be able to say i am having a bad day and not feel like i am filing a complaint!! maybe that will happen and maybe it will not!! i am trying to not turn bitter because bitter feels like a locked door from the inside!! but tonight i am tired and i am admitting it badly!! i don't have friends!! i have people i know and people i used to know and people i almost knew!! and maybe tomorrow i will feel less dramatic!! but right now it feels true and heavy and stupid and human!!

Hiyo ! How are y'all doing doing ? I've come here to vent yet again. I'm putting in a PSA real quick to tell you that it's going to get a bit heavy and lengthy, so please click off if you're not up for it. With that out of the way, here's my vent.

My mom recently intiated a conversation with me. By that point, I was keeping my distance from her for months in hopes that she wouldn't be as surprised that I would leave the house one day and not contact her as well as the rest of the family and not getting bombarded with calls and mesages from them. She opened the conversation with the fact that she had a dream where we were together with my grandma, and at some point, grandma disappeared, leaving behind a note that says "reconcile with each other". My mom then said that passed loved ones are still there watching over us, and that she believed that grandma was sending her a message through her dreams (and thinking about it, I think that it really was just her guilt eating at her, but I can't be too sure). She finally ended that first bit with "if you have things that you are angry with me about, you can tell me."

At first, I was silent because one, I didn't really believe she'd actually listen to me, two, I thought (still do) that she was doing this in an effort to drag me back in to get me to interact with her like I used to (act like everything's fine, and when a conflict arises that either she or stepdad initiate, stay silent and never actually adress it later) and three, because I was contemplating waving her off. But I then I also thought that this could be an opportunity to address things that she did throughout the years, so I went through with it anyway.

I'm kind of nervous to talk about the first point, but I still want to have a chance on having clarity, so here goes. The first thing that I adressed was her and bio dad bringing me in a place to get needles inserted in my head. I don't know how far they went, but I ended up getting scabs on my scalp years later, and since I've had chronic skin picking since I was a kid, I picked on those. Anyway, when I mentioned it, the first thing she asks me is "you're mad about that ?" like she was almost about to laugh. I'm like "well, yeah, this thing hurt and I cried a lot because of this, why wouldn't I be ?". I was probably like, 4 or 5 from what I remember. She then explained to me that they brought me there because I apparently didn't talk a lot apart from a few words. She also explained to me that I actually had an acupuncture done on me, and that I had this done on me for at least 6 times. To this, I'm have mixed feelings because okay, it touches directly into my health, and it's normal for parents to worry about their kid's health. At the same time, I have this nagging feeling that something still doesn't feel right because of the size of the needles. Maybe it was really because I was little, but I remember them being a little bigger from standard acupuncture needles, and that it was done in a remote area. I'm not even sure if the guy that did it to me was actually a qualified person to do it. At the same time, I also read somewhere that acupunctures can hurt if they're bigger, inserted forcefully and it depends on the brand of needles. I really don't know how to feel about this.

The second point was, I noticed that my mom was chatting on the phone with a cousin that tried to r*pe me and even had a selfie with him even after I told her about it, but I didn't want to assume and I was hoping I was wrong. So I simply asked her if she was still talking to him. She was silent for a second before telling me that yes, she did. She then explained that she asked him about it and told him to stop doing that, and apparently he said okay...I am disappointed in her. So much. I'm going to be harsh, but what the hell was she thinking ? Just because you ask him to stop, you think he's actually going to stop and not do it to another girl in the family ? He attempted to SA your daughter, you learn about it from your daughter, and the first thing you think to do is ask him to stop instead of, I don't know, notifying authorities beacuse there's a literal predator in the family ?? Tbf, I just told her about the attempted assault and not the fact that I noticed from the corner of my eye that this guy, who was 20 while I was 17, was preying on me the moment he saw me, but still ! It's messed up regardless of me telling her about that part or not ! Sadly, I can't say I'm too surprised by it, because seeing her husband trying to pinch or slap her daughter's butt apparently doesn't alarm her because "it's just a joke".

Anyway, I didn't tell her about how disappointed and not surprised I was by that revelation. I just moved on to my third point, which was to ask her why she yelled at me for things I did that were ultimately inconsequential to her and why she criticized me about my physique, my way of being or my clothing style. To give you an example, not too long ago, I had an end of the year ceremony in college to attend to. I was planning for an outfit to wear when my mom called me over so that she could give me an outfit. Seeing that I honestly didn't want the clothes that she proposed to me, I politely told her no and went back in my room to continue to look for outfits in my closet and drawers. That's when she comes in, vexed and asking me why *I* was vexed. Tbf, I did walk out a little too strongly and fast for my liking, but I really wasn't. Anyway, I point out that, no, she's the one that's vexed that I said no, not me. She eventually tells me that I have to "honor" stepdad (yuck) because he would come with me to that ceremony and that my clothes are ugly. Mind you, the clothes that I have in my closet are clothes that stepsister, stepdad and her have bought me throughout the years, so I think it's jarring for her to say that.

I tell her all about that, and of course, she tells me she doesn't remember that happening ! She also tells me that she surely wanted me to be presentable the day of, and I was like "no, you were vexed that I said no, mom. You wanting me to be presentable doesn't make it okay to say that my clothes are ugly." I also tell her about a couple of other things among the numerous incidents of her yelling at me , which I'm not going to site because this vent is already long as it is. I ask her if she thinks it's normal for a parent to yell at their kid for the most minor things a kid could do. She starts answering something about "you know, you gotta know to forgive, even to your worst enemy". There's this back and forth where I keep asking her if it's normal for a parent to do that while she keeps answering that.

At the conclusion of this conversation, she "apologizes for everything she's done" and asks if I forgive her and if we could make up. I tell her that no, and explain that with everything that she's done, there's no way I'm letting her back in my life because what happened was detrimental for the mental in the long run. She kept insisting on getting me to tell her that I forgive her. At some point, she tells me that if I don't forgive, even my grandma and God wouldn't forgive me (in hindsight, I'm still baffled that she even dared to talk about my grandma like that and consequently, I felt forced to say that I forgive her so that she leaves me alone), but I insisted that I'd keep my distance from her. She eventually says that she regrets that she didn't bring me to church more when I was able to retain the teachings, which internally only made me glad that I didn't get the religious trauma flavor upon everything else.

With this ends this vent. I hope y'all have a great day/evening/night and I'll see you later !