Life Stories and Everyday Drama

In a few weeks it's gonna be my final exams of 8th grade. Let me tell you, don't try to change me. I'm in the firm belief I'm fundamentally stupid. Last unit, which was Unit 2, I scored a 25/60 in maths and 22/60 in Hindi, and somehow my family got more mad at the fact I called myself stupid than the fact I failed. I scored that low, and I'm lucky it wasn't the last exam or else I would've been held back a year, since I also did pathetic in Science at 45.5 in which I should've scored higher since I'm good at science, I got 43/60 in Social Studies, 51/60 in English, but I failed. They got more angry I said I was stupid, I was! I'm dumb for trusting the math teacher to start on the hardest questions like she said. And mom said the weirdest thing, she asked how can I improve if I call myself a failure or stupid. I was, for even when I studied hard I forgot and I took too long to answer, because I'm slow like a slug and stupid. And if I fail this unit now, I'm gonna be held back. The maths teacher keeps threatening the class about it as a real thing. And I will fail because I'm fundamentally stupid. I don't feel like studying, and that's fine, because stupid people don't deserve privilege, just slog. If I succeed this exam, or at least score a decent 60-70% than last time in maths and half in Hindi, I'm cursed. What I'm saying is that means for every Unit 2 exam, I suck the worst. That happened in 7th, it happened in Unit 2 of 8th, and this is the final third one, and if I do slightly better, I'm cursed. I normally score decent in Unite 1, but I'm praying at least in math I score well, because screw Hindi, even my parents gave up the language for me cus they now why I struggle even with tuitions, it's too hard, even for them!

Now, you might say, "Make your own timetable!" or "Maybe practice time management", shut up! Shut up you fucking ugly bitches! I'll fail my own timed 3 hour exam, or even revision sheets timed, I'll fail at math which is one of the main subjects I need to pass to go ahead, and plus, one guy got held back and he's in 7th grade going to 8th when he should be going to 9th now like me. I'll be held back as well. My teacher may say in 9th she can shift Hindi to art, but it's impossible, in CBSE, you just can't. It would make my cosplay event not worth it then. Imagine how many other people failed that I'm not aware of, that got held back with no friends which is why I didn't know, that lost every opportunity to succeed because of this. I'll be one of them if I act too cocky and tell myself, "I can do this". I simply can't. Convince me and I'll find you, kill you, and bury your body in the ocean where nobody can find you. And in CBSE, no way they'd retake exams from 8th-9th. Why would they retake exams? I've not heard of that. You can't do that. You can't do that in CBSE. It's too much coddling, anyways.

To those who know JJBA, I'm dumb enough for someone like Fugo to crash out and go fucking batshit crazy. Seriously, Narancia sucks even worse than me at maths, and Fugo stabs him with a fork in Golden Wind. I'm sorry, what?! I know Golden Wind is freaky or weird as fuck, but nah, I need those high standards to pass. In fact, since I'm planning to dress up as Joseph Joestar for an event a month after my exams in March, Joseph won't look at me and won't call me dumb because he is dumb, but Caesar Zeppeli would and he'd also become an angry Italian like Fugo. Admit it, he hates stupid people! He's a hotheaded man who's strong, what I'm not. I'm stupid, see? I'm no good at cosplaying either, it's my first time. So the best thing is to just give up, maybe leave school, convince my family I can be homeschooled somehow, or just die since I'm too stupid to be alive. They won't give second chances, not anymore. This is my last dance, my final act before promotion, and until then, I won't pick my ass up if I convince myself I can do this. I can't. Impossible stays impossible. Those who believe in change are the retarded fags themselves. Fucking hell, just anyone, give me any 3 GOOD WAYS to just die, if I decide I'm worthless to everyone, my family, my brother, everyone, I won't miss them because they won't miss me. They'll move on. I still fail to understand why they get more mad when I call myself stupid when the truth is is bold letters...

I'M FUCKING STUPID AND AN UGLY BITCH WHORE OF A DAUGHTER YOU LITTLE SHITS

Tbh there isn’t much of a story, more needing to take things off my back. If at any moment u feel uncomfortable just stop reading and do or go somewhere else. Well… ig here it is.. I hate myself, Ik it’s a thing that most ppl say or think but for everyone it’s different I think. I hate everything about myself, but I think I mostly hate the fact that I’m gay, masc, and fat. I go against everything. I feel like everything’s been going for the worst but I don’t want to stop, I just act like it so the ppl who care don’t help me as much. But I didn’t lie, I don’t want to not to stop, I like the feeling of anything bad really. Ik it sounds bad but it isn’t I swear. I think for once my dad is right.. maybe being gay is a disease after all, I mean I was happier when I was young and identified as straight, I didn’t worry if anyone thought I was a wannabe boy or if every girl friend I have thinks I immediately like them just because I say I’m gay. I think that’s way I started doing what I am, started to slowly just not eat. It started little, just skipping lunch at school, then not eating anything in the morning or at lunch at school, then after a year of that the pain went away and I didn’t really weight wise, I didn’t have stomach pains anymore. I felt empty. I felt.. feel out of control. Then fast forward this December it went from normal to really good, I didn’t care what my mom felt for me eating less then 100-300 calories for about 3-4 days on end. I remember them, it was a dream and if I had a choice I’d do again, I don’t regret it. I think I lost about 3kgs in that span or maybe more idk. Anyways now im 77kgs still losing. I was about 86kg im mid November or maybe a bit lower. And if I could say anything about how it’s been I’d say it’s addicting. The scale, I mean Idrc anymore if I do or don’t have muscle anymore. Idk what’s so addicting about the scale but it is, I don’t even really care to eat at this point, I just do it because I have to live and so my mom doesn’t call a therapist for me or smth like that. But that isn’t what I wanted to say, what I wanted to say is that these are the few but main reasons why I hate myself and I think it’s the minimum at the very least. So ig my question is, does anyone feel the same? Am I as fucked up as I seen to be?. I wish u all are okay and happy. Good morning, good afternoon, good night

Teenagehood is a crock of shit. All those teen shows and movies fucking lied!! (TW mentions of depression)

I have about a year until I graduate and I’m lowkey getting impatient. I can’t wait to move to University and close this miserable chapter of my life.

I mean yeah there were lots of fun things, but the bad things were just SO BAD that I can’t ignore them at all.

Like don’t get me started on my mental health, the moment I turned 13 that shit deteriorated like crazy!! Like I love my parents but they’re one of the main reasons I’m so depressed like they’ve done so many things that genuinely make me wanna kms!! I actually had a real fear when I was 14 that I wouldn’t make it past 16 cause I might lose my mind and end it!

I also can’t wait to leave this school. Everyone here is so fucking fake like ugh, and the only two people who I felt even remotely comfortable with being myself left the school (one of them left the fucking continent)!

Everyone else is so fake, I can’t believe there was a time where I genuinely saw them as friends, like thank goodness I opened my eyes and stopped brainwashing myself! Gurl, they barely, if ever, talk to you, and they DEFINITELY say shit behind your back like “look at the gay depressed emo girl with anger issues, she probably cuts herself” (I don’t but if scars didn’t exist I would in a heartbeat).

And let me not start on dating! Those teen romance stories are fake as fuck!! Good thing I didn’t try to date any of these fuckass boys! They’re so fucking insensitive and misogynistic! The only time some of those fuckers show any interest in me is when they wanna sexualise my body! Go eat shit!!

Soon I’m gonna graduate and leave this place, and I’m gonna block every whackass motherfucker from this school man I’m done!!

I guess if anyone wants to share their version of teenage hood or if they somewhat relate to my experience go ahead.

Okay, so I know I tagged it as "workplace drama" but it's more like college drama. I was a 3D animation major tho, and I was in a classroom of 9 students in my 3rd year, so I feel like it's kind of alike. Anyways, I have a story that, in retrospect, I definetely had a part in the drama, but I also definitely suffered from it at the time. I just want to know your opinion on if I was being a bit paranoid (which I felt I was sometimes) or not.

I feel like the atmosphere in my class degraded the more time passed. In my 1st year, it was mostly okay, I was discovering how 3D softwares worked and just trying to make at least a decent job with what I understood. I managed to model the second most important character, create some assets, animate and even voice act as the leading character in that movie (I'm a bit embarrassed about how my voice acting turned out, but I'm still proud I had the opportunity to do it) ! Group wise, it was also mostly okay, I just didn't talk all that much, though I would a little bit with people I thought I could be friends with. There was just this thing that bothered me a bit towards the end of the 1st year. I was talking with two upperclassmen, and the classmate that I was hanging around with (that was sitting behind me, let's call him Foo) was looking at us talking with a sort of angry expression while I had my back turned ? When I turned around to look at him again, I asked what was going on and like...he kept going defensive and was like "wow, so I can't look anymore ?" or "okay, then I'm not looking anymore" while pouting and things along those lines. To this day, I think it was weird, but also at the time, I was genuinely confused and was wondering if something was wrong.

Second year, however, was the WORST for me, I literally tried to fail as much as possible so that I'd get expelled and not have to go to college anymore. That was probably because I had a conversation with some of my teammates about who they'd want to work with if they had the chance to choose, and from that conversation, with a quick math, I realized that practically nobody wanted to work with me, and it weighed on me for the rest of the year. There was also this rampant "he said she said" thing going on. For example, a teammate (let's call her G-A) came up to me telling me how she found the way the way Foo smiled creepy or how the leader of our film for the second year (I'll call him G-B) was acting before leaving and other things. I remember the first time she came to me to gossip, I wanted to cry a bit because I didn't want to associate myself with gossip like that...I still ended up gossiping sometimes because I gotta survive and try to fit in this class somehow (which I failed to do so). I was thinking that, maybe I could be friends with her and that we could get along. I also tried my best to open up to her a little bit about what I liked and whatnot, because I was struggling with speaking up and was mostly silent. I'm absolutely ashamed I joined in this, and I do not wish to get myself entangled like that or feel as misrable as this ever again. If it isn't G-A, it was Foo who was kind of bothering me because I kept catching him staring at me. I think there were definitely some times where I thought I did catch him, but yeah, most of the time I did catch him staring. And everytime he'd go defensive.

3rd year of college was also a bad year. Foo's staring problem got worse, especially because I was seated next to him. Overtime, I've grown tired of it. My last straw was when I was trying to look at the board that was on my right, and Foo also happened to be seated on my right, and he proceeded to go all like "you were looking at me". I tried to explain to him that I wanted to look at the board, but he insisted that I was looking at him. From that day, I've decided to not talk to him anymore or to even look at him for the rest of the year. I was that petty 😅​. Apart from this, I was criticized by G-A over my work flow even though I was in the process of making something, the parts of the animatic that I was in charge of ended up not making it to the final animatic footage (G-A told me that I didn't do much for the team one day EVEN THOUGH I tried to greyscale the shots that were in the animatic to the best of my ability knowing my parts weren't included), almost every prop I made ended up being replaced by one another teammate did, the people in the team didn't include me in the animating team (even though I could animate just fine), Foo one day decided it was a good idea to take an object that I did to shade it without warning me when I clearly stated in the group chat that I'd take care of it. Basically, no matter what I tried to do, it didn't feel like my contributions were good enough to make it to the final product according to the entire team. Only a poster that was important in the film along with a few assets (that you don't even see that much) ended up making it, and even then, the poster almost got replaced by Foo's own version of the poster. The only reason my version was picked was because the main prof visibly had mixed feelings concerning Foo's version, and I looked at the prof like "please don't choose it". There was also this one time where G-A decided that we should add TeamViewer out of nowhere. From what I understood, we could basically take control of a computer remotely. I didn't really like that plan because of how sudden it was, and at this point I was a little paranoid, so I made it seem like I complied with it at campus while not installing TeamViewer at home, partly because I didn't understand how to even set it up, but mostly because I didn't like the idea of people accessing my computer at home from campus. Turns out, days later, G-A tried to access my computer via TeamViewer from campus, but because I didn't set it up at home, it didn't work. She said it was so that she could do some normal maps of textures of some posters, but in my eyes, TeamViewer isn't needed for this kind of thing because you can convert pictures into normal maps online, so it was at least a bit suspiscious to me. Apart from this, the group in itself still had a problem with gossiping and drama, so much that one of the leaders of the group ended up gathering everyone around a table to try and address the elephant in the room. The atmosphere got bad overtime, and with how little I had when it comes to assignments for the last movie, the main prof eventually told me I could not come to campus at a certain point because it would be pointless for me to show up only to not do anything the entire day. The moment I knew it was time for me to not go to campus anymore, I was literally out of there, I could not stand spending more time with those classmates anymore.

The more I type about this, the more I'm like "wow, college sucked :D", but I'm so used to things not going well in some aspects that I can't help but laugh. I guess I just want to have a trace of this story somewhere so that I don't forget about it. Again, please feel free to tell me your opinion about it, maybe I'll get a good laugh out of this. Thank you for reading this whole novel, and I wish you a good day/night <33

Why? Why is this happening to me? I really don't get it. One year ago I would have been what people called a beautiful girl. Long hair, drenched in soft makeup, and tight clothes. So why did I cut my hair so short so suddenly? Why did I start to feel uncomfortable showing off my curves? Why do I get a void every time someone calls me with feminine pronouns?

I had a dream a week ago. Where I viewed myself as a boy. Is my brain accepting this too? Or maybe it's something deeper, that I refuse to acknowledge. To embrace.

Letting go of your old self hurts, but it's even more painful starting to love a new version of you.

Hello to whoever is reading, I hope you have a good day<3

So I’m in my final year of highschool before going to university and I haven’t been able to cope with exam stress or application stress well. Everytime I make an application I honestly need hours after just to calm my chest down since it starts feeling heavy again. I have tried to regain safety and have a routine that works keeping me calmer but honestly this throws off all that progress.

I don’t want to take pressure anymore like I genuinely feel like I want to stop trying and I don’t want to be achieving anything. I want an average university with lowkey academic pressure and peace. I found one far away from home which fits my needs but my parents won’t let me go that far. In fact they think I’m running away and taking the easier way out when I should be facing it since the world is a difficult place. While I agree I really need to be happy to commit. If I’m not I will deteriorate my mental health further and it’s already really bad. I don’t know how to manage it. It creeps up before exams genuinely in a way I can’t prepare properly. It remains in my chest and will not go away no matter how hard I try. It keeps coming back. It will show up in tinier things like my friend not responding to my messages or future issues I really don’t have to deal with at the moment. I barely made one application and deadlines are coming up I need to focus which I’m not able to do. It’s getting scarier and I cry everyday feeling like there’s no way I can get out of this when I can but at the time it feels like there is nothing else for me I truly loathe this feeling. It feels like the end everytime and I’m sick of venting to everyone with no way of receiving actual help. No one knows how to help. My parents try but they think I’m weak for even feeling this and I should just get over the drama.

i cant even think straight because I’ve been crying for hours and I think I should just be gone from this world. Something crazy is going on with me and my friends and i cant even focus on anything but that, and I was supposed to go to a sleepover with my friends last minute because i need someone to talk to but when i went to ask my mom and my dad they both agreed that it was a bad decision to let me talk to my friends. I said I had no one to talk to and my mom literally said that i could talk to but she’s literally like 50 years old so how could she understand? i could never talk to her because she’s my mom and all the people i know that have tried to off themselves have gone to a mental asylum and came back so different i was scared. I cant talk to my friends anymore also because my downtime is on and i cant communicate with anyone except for my parents and im so completely exhausted with myself and im so utterly alone that i just think im done. I’ve never cried more than right now and i cant even see straight thats how blurry my vision is right now help me i have no one to talk to

I'm really struggling with my mental health at the moment and with my man's funeral in the next 2 weeks I'm feeling so low numb and depressed. on so many actions lately I've wanted to SH bit I haven't but I can see it happening at some point.

Grade 6

Okay, so, lowkey this grade flew by FAST. Although, it didn’t feel like that at the time. I think around this time a lot of people were getting into social media and phones, so there was always the exclusion with that. Me and my friend had a gizmo watch (pls tell me you know what that is), and my other friends all had phones or an iPad. I was really close to this one girl in my friend group because she was VERY confident and overall I just wanted to be like her. I think I started following her around like a lost puppy because when I later talked to my friends about it now that that girl has moved schools, they said I was like her puppet. I needed someone to rely on and was going through a lot mentally, so this was a way for me to relax, and I mostly relied on her to keep myself socially active and actually having an identity. I will say, I think around the end of 6th grade was when I was introduced to the chaotic world of mental health issues, but I had been a part of it for a while without noticing, I think. Anyway, This girl that I was friends with kept taking on these very unique labels, I think that was for attention, and I’ve recently reconnected with her she has said the same. She was labeling herself as many different sexualities that almost changed every month almost, and labeled herself as a therian and then all of a sudden, the rest of the friend group followed along (me second because I was so desperate for her approval). I now know my TRUE personality, and identity. While at the time I was identifying as bisexual FOR THIS GIRL, I lowkey found out I actually was, because me and my friend watched the movie “The fallout” with Maddie Ziegler and Jenna Ortega, and I think I thought they were REALLY HOT in that movie for probably 3 years now. Anyway, The therian thing got out of hand, and my parents kept questioning if this was actually true or if it was about the girl (obviously I lied). I ended up getting in A LOT of arguments with my friends (forget what they are abt but I’ll probs remember later), and she always sided with me. Sometimes, the fight would be me against her and the rest of the friend group, and she’d say that she sided with me cause she felt bad. That’s when I felt most alone. I missed at least 20 days of school that year, all of them faking sick or actually sick, most of the time because I was too scared to go to school for the smallest reasons, like choosing partners in a class that I had no friends with. It was so bad in 6th grade. Oh my god, I will NEVER choose to go back there AGAIN. Anyway, that’s it for 6th grade. There’s too much to talk about that, so I’m ending this one here. Will make a 7th grade one soon. Pls feel free to share your opinion (although not in need of advice lol just venting for now).

Here is the Google Doc for the whisper. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HD_6uIuAvSYwy_zKGEj7rWaRgJnT5bxgMv-pJcE-Qsw/edit?tab=t.0

Anyways, longer version.

what if I gain a lot of weight in only a few months, because many people say at this age, you change weight drastically. What if I go from 45 to 60kg in only a few months, while I still stay 5'4"? I'd look chubbier since I'm not very tall. What if from February to 25th April, I can't fit in a tank top I probably bought somewhere during April itself for Joseph? Or my jeans won't fit? One cosplayer said she took 3 months to make an outfit, and when she wore it on 5th month to an event, she couldn't fit and she had to re-sew the thing and she felt bad because she got late. What if I go from my perfect beanstalk self to looking like a middle aged at only 14, because my fat got fatter? No woman likes being old, they all say that in their memoirs because they're fat, they got menopause, and they're weaker! How come my mom seems so chill at 44, she literally grows tiny but dark chin hairs which I have to pluck! I'll gain 20kg in only 2 months! They said drastic change, so it's drastic! I may eat the same, but if I eat slightly more, I'll get fat. Puberty hits people hard, and trust me, I've heard some women say they go from skinny to very curvy somehow. I don't wanna get fat, especially if the tank-top I'll buy or jeans I already own are stretchy or fit me just fine, and if they don't I'll feel bad because I'm buying extra when the wig and boots would be the most expensive parts already. Plus, imagine I go from S to L sized from the same food I eat, maybe I should stop snacking or eating so fast. 2 months can do stuff, maybe! What if I balloon from my already normal 45kg, which I don't feel bad about because that weight as of now is fine for me. What if I suddenly get hungrier in one month and start eating more, until I store fat instead of whatever other important nutrients? My dad may say if I eat a lot and fast it's good because my body needs to grow, but I don't care, the older you get, the slower metabolism is, so I'll end up 60kg in 2.5 months only. 2 months may be too early. What if I can't even fit the dress anymore, with my own clothes. I haven't fluctuated too much now, but what if I get some random hormonal issue that causes me to gain weight faster at 14?? My mom already grows small darker chin hairs because she's 44, and maybe she has PCOS, even when she tells me no like I asked something weird. She could be lying. Plus, what if my makeup looks bad on my face? I've seen kid cosplayers not even be able to put that because their parents didn't allow, and when they grew up with makeup they mock their younger selves for it. My mom may buy me eyeliner for the face lines and maybe an eyebrow brush to thicken my brows to resemble Joseph, but on one hand I'm cosplaying a guy as a girl, I may look ugly and too angry because of the eyebrows being too weird, the face lines may look ugly even if I concealed my face with the usual stuff, I don't have contact lenses so what if I look weird with my dark brown eyes, and I have braces so it's even worse and what if the wig also looks weird when I style it with hairspray and comb and how do I maintain it? I'm gonna regret going when I'm gonna become 25, I know it! At 25, you HATE when you were a kid, even if you had fun, because fun doesn't cover up bad embarrassment.

I keep having this same dream, and I wake up every time with the same quiet shock. I’m a woman, married, raising a family, doing the normal life stuff. In the dream, my husband is leaving us. Not in a dramatic way. No shouting, no slammed doors. He’s calm. Almost gentle. He tells me it’s time, like he’s explaining a schedule change. The house looks exactly right. The kids are there, but distant, like background noise. Everything feels precise, realistic, painfully detailed. I can feel the air in the room. I can hear my own breathing. When I wake up, my body still believes it. My chest is tight. My hands are cold. It’s embarrassing how long it takes to shake it off. The dream doesn’t feel symbolic. It feels literal. As if my brain is rehearsing a future I didn’t agree to. People love to say, “Dreams are just dreams,” and sure, that’s comforting in theory. But when they feel this real, it’s hard not to question that line. It reminds me of that quote, “The mind makes it real,” and yeah, that hits a little too close. I’m polite with myself about it. I don’t panic. I just note the pattern and move on. Still, I wonder why my subconscious is so committed to this storyline...

What’s strange is that my waking life is steady. My husband is present, kind, involved. There’s no obvious threat, no secret tension. That’s why I try to stay detached and analytical about the dreams. Repetition usually means unresolved fear, according to the experts. Fear of loss. Fear of abandonment. Classic stuff. Fine. I accept the diagnosis without dramatizing it. I don’t accuse reality of crimes it hasn’t committed. The dreams are respectful, almost courteous, which somehow makes them worse. There’s no villain to blame. Just inevitability. And yet, every morning, I wake up and nothing has changed. The family is intact. The day continues. That part gives me hope. It’s proof that imagined endings don’t automatically become real ones. I treat the dreams like mental noise, like my brain running stress tests while I sleep. Annoying, but not authoritative. I remind myself of another quote I once read: “Thoughts are not facts.” That line does a lot of heavy lifting for me. I stay positive on purpose. I choose to believe stability deserves more credit than fear. Still, I’m curious, and I’ll ask politely: why do dreams borrow reality so convincingly? Why do they feel more intense than the life we actually live? And have you ever woken up mourning something that never happened, only to feel quietly grateful when you realized it wasn’t real?

I love lying to myself.

“It’s for me, so I can be happier!”

It’s for him, because I didn’t want it to become toxic.

“I’m not mad!”

I’m pissed, but with myself.

“It’s ok. I don’t care anymore. they’re all in my past!”

My hands are shaking.

It wasn’t you.

It was me.

It was all me.

I’m right here.

Can’t you see I’m waiting?

I took too long.

I ventured to far.

While you were waiting.

So does that make me the monster?

Does that mean I’m in the wrong?

I was the problem, hiding all along.

M y h a n d s a r e s h a k i n g .

If I could take us back, if I could just do that

And write in every empty space the words “I love you” in replace

Then maybe time would not erase me

If you could only know I never let you go

And the words I most regret

Are the ones I never meant to leave

Unsaid Emily

(Clive)

You know exactly who you are. and who I am.

Sapphire is confused. Cartter’s just himself, but honestly worse. Bax is indifferent, they never had any particular affection for anyone they knew. Mushroom has no idea what’s happened. I’m generally indifferent, you never were anything to me. Allen locked front, he doesn’t want to deal with us anymore, but I managed to get him to let me out for a bit. Aether just doesn’t care, he was tired of everyone calling him “unc” anyway. We gained a new one, Carlos, who thinks Allen could’ve handled it better.

(Sapphire)

Clive’s right, I am kinda confused, I don’t know why Allen did this. I just hope… nevermind. Allen wouldn’t want me to say that, and neither would they, I suppose… Cartter would say something, but he’s a little angry with Allen, and trying to hide that anger. What me and Clive are trying to say is don’t be mad at ALL of us, please. This was all Allen’s decision. But… he is happy with his new friends, and glad to see that you guys seem… generally still happy without him, at least on the outside. He read all your posts, and he’s… understandably shaken (I am choosing my words SO CAREFULLY here and still failing at keeping my head cool). His exact words were, “Nothing like going through your ex’s vent posts about you… I feel like an asshole. Probably cause I am, but… y’know.”

this poem will be about my struggles with adhd

I hope you enjoy and pls lmk what you think

My mind is a house with every light on,

but the wiring is wrong.

Current jumps the walls.

The air buzzes even when I’m still.

Thoughts move like fireworks down the hallway—

no order,

no warning,

just flashes and echoes and aftermath.

I reach for one

and three more grab my sleeve,

each convinced it’s urgent,

each forgetting why it came.

Some days the noise grows too large for the rooms.

It presses outward,

paces the floorboards,

rattles the windows from the inside.

My body learns the exits first—

a flick of the hand,

a sharp blink,

a sudden shudder like static shaking free.

Small movements.

Necessary ones.

The storm grounding itself

so the house doesn’t split apart.

I don’t choose the spill.

It comes when the walls start breathing,

when thought piles on thought

until there’s no oxygen left.

My body reacts before I can ask it to—

a sharp jolt,

a break in the rhythm,

like something clawing its way out

because staying inside would be worse.

It isn’t release so much as survival.

Energy tearing a seam in the dark,

lightning striking downward

so it doesn’t turn inward.

I let it happen

because holding it all

feels like suffocating quietly.

Time behaves strangely here.

It leaks through my fingers,

slips under doors,

vanishes the moment I look directly at it.

Clocks stare like witnesses.

I apologise to them anyway.

Memory is a hallway with missing doors—

names hovering just out of reach,

sentences dissolving halfway spoken.

I step over the gaps,

pretend I meant to forget,

pretend it doesn’t follow me.

Some days my head is a carnival after dark—

lights too bright,

rides spinning too fast,

music overlapping until it sharpens.

I want to leave.

I want quiet.

But the ticket never tears

and the gates stay open.

Then comes the other kind of heavy.

Not loud—

dull.

A dimming after the surge.

Rooms go dark one by one.

Ideas slump in their chairs,

still breathing

but too tired to stand.

This is the exhaustion that doesn’t ask permission.

The kind rest doesn’t solve.

Bone-deep.

Sticky.

Like gravity turning personal.

My body stays still

while my mind keeps running,

burning energy it no longer has.

I stare at things I love

and feel only the weight of them.

Even stillness hums.

Even silence costs something.

And yet—

I find colours hiding in ordinary days.

Stories stitched between unrelated things.

Patterns where chaos pretends to be random.

My mind builds bridges instinctively,

even when I don’t know where they lead.

Ideas love me recklessly.

They arrive in crowds,

talk over one another,

leave without warning—

but for a moment

they make me feel infinite.

When focus finds me,

it grabs hard.

The world blurs.

Hours collapse into a single breath.

I forget to eat,

forget to move,

forget everything except the fire

and the way it finally listens.

I change my mind often

because every idea feels true

until the next one opens its mouth.

I am loyal to the moment,

not the map.

Some days I am exhaustion wrapped in motion.

Some days I am brilliance scattered across the floor.

Most days

I am both at once.

I am not broken.

I am not unfinished.

I am living inside a system turned up too loud—

one that shakes,

that spills,

that wears me thin,

but also sees more than it destroys.

This is what it’s like

to carry lightning in your pockets—

to learn when to release it,

when to rest,

and when to let it burn bright enough

to become light

I need to vent, because I'll figure it out i always do. Im not looking for sympathy, maybe any advice.

Reference i have been falling behind on bills for months now, all because of a strike that directly effected my job it also took me 8 months to get a job with how competitive it is right now.

I am sick of living in poverty.

Ei told me I didn't qualify because I was 200 hours short. (During a temporary lay off)

Government assistance told me I didn't qualify because I have that 22,000 in an investment account.

Bank told I cant take that money out unless its life or death (its a NON-REDEEMABLE gci account), so i applied for an overdraft 0% interest, BUT thats not even guaranteed.

I refuse to barrow more money because I know how annoying it is to constantly be asked for money, and a payday loan charges 14$ per ever $100 you borrow and Im in that limbo of not qualifying for it either way because I only need $600.

OH and on top of the whole bank situation I had to pay a debt that I was disputing to even qualify! The debt was because of a monopolize internet provider double charging me and going against the contract I sighed. On top of all that my car needs $5000+ worth of work done and I cant sell it because my job requires me to have a car for transporting equipment.

I have been struggling to get a side gig to earn extra cash but I need this money by Friday. Thankfully my landlord has been great to me but I feel like me telling him that I cant pay it like I used to do is getting much.

I know in March it will be better, because I only made 7000$ last year and had 6000$ in uninsured medical bills, I do get money back but this is now and I was doing so good at budgeting but it feels like the world cant let me ever get ahead.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.