Life Stories and Everyday Drama

Honestly just wondering, at what point is it enough to say that there's no reason to be alive. I feel like I could probably achieve some of the things that I may have wanted in the past, but I genuinely think I'd just rather kill myself.

Between interpersonal success and self actualization, I'd say those are the only things which could motivate me to keep living, but I just don't think it's practical to expect anything from myself in the kind of timeline that would make it worthwhile. I deal with paranoia, autism, panic disorder, BPD, OCD, and a very faint sense of identity. I have creative hobbies like art, music, learning about different cultures, studying languages and learning about history, but none of them would lead me to a stable job. As far as physical health, I've been struggling to gain weight and put on muscle due to diet and I hesitate to make changes to my diet due to my OCD. I consider myself average to unattractive as far as looks go, and I honestly don't even care because I hate others more than enough not to care what they think. I'm not on speaking terms with my mother, my father and both of my sisters rarely speak to me even though they claim to care about me, I have a couple of online friends from high school but I don't speak to them often either. I'm in a couple of communities at my university but in all of them I'm basically the guy that no one knows how to approach.

Until now, I'd wanted to change the world for people like me who are struggling despite having had some kind of potential, but idk, I'm tired. I know that people like me never get anywhere in life, that I've never had a stable relationship in my life and that puts me years behind everyone else developmentally. I know that I've had enough bad experiences that I'd just rather save myself the regret and hide in my room all day, but at that point I'll just be doing myself a favor by letting myself rest instead of continuing to deteriorate.

I'm young, I've been told that I'm an intelligent person and that I have a lot of things going for me, but every time I try to act on the smallest ambition I have, I regret it. I could very feasibly get a girlfriend this year or in the next couple months. I could very feasibly get a part-time job to start working on my resume. I could very feasibly talk to program administers about the projects I've wanted to do after graduating and get real support on those, but I don't really care. Modern dating sucks and though I'd like to have someone, chances are they disappoint me or disgust me like everyone else, and I don't ever really buy myself anything so I'd only be working to be out of my dorm. I don't even really care at this point about changing the world, people like me shouldn't exist. I wanted to create a world where no one like me would have to exist but everyone like me is probably just gonna kill themselves anyway.

I regret my life. I gave myself a suicide date when I was 14 and said I'd wait until I was 28 (I figured my life already sucked enough then that I'd give myself another 14 years just to see), but genuinely, why would I? I feel so far behind everyone else that something as basic as going outside gives me panic attacks. Everyone who tries to help me ultimately gets pushed away by my paranoia and I just don't have a place in society unless I go out and create one for myself which takes time, effort and skill which would mean that one way or another I lose out on my entire youth getting to the point where I would have been if I hadn't been neglected or born with these issues. I'm in therapy and it overall hasn't helped me to do any of the things I need to do.

I don't want to keep playing the "if only" game. It is what it is and I want to stop being forced to pretend that one day I'll live a normal life. Lemme know if this counts for a good enough reason to kms.

Just to sign off I miss my friend a lot. She was the last person I think I could trust and I'm debating whether or not having her cut me off last year was a good enough last straw.

I've been feeling this for quite a while..it's like getting worse and worse. The mechanisms I turn to in order to not kill myself hasn't worked. I've been passively suicidal for months but I think I'm at the stage where I wanna plan. Idk, I've been trying not to be this way. I've been trying to look for friends, take care of myself, have goals, do school, whatever I'm supposed to do. Yet my mental illness is still here, coping without solving the actual issue. It doesn't matter how clean I am or how toned my muscles get.

I've seen others have support systems during dark times like this, idk how they did that but I've tried and all I really got was romantic or sexual attention, I don't post myself at all so idk why. I just wanna rest and pass way. I could fly. I wanna go in a peaceful way tho. I should probably go chat a hotline but idk if this is really an emergency, Its not like I have a plan yet or a way to kill myself yet. I've just been feeling like this everyday and idk how to stop.

If anyone has advice or reasons to live then do share. 🩷🖤

helloo!! I haven't used this website before so sorry if my story gets boring or messy. I'm currently in year 12 (11th grade i think) and i feel like none of my hard work will surmount to anything. I got the highest grade in my year for GCSEs (final exams) and my family was rly proud of me. I was actually shocked, i thought i would do average. i did a lot of studying but i wasn't sure whether it was effective enough until then. Although this sounds like good news, i still feel like im not going to get into a good university or anyhting. i do have decent academic skills, but my social skills are simply terrible. im rly awkward, and although i have a couple of rly close friends and a bf, i feel like no one else rly likes me. i don't get bullied, but everyone seems to look at me with disgust or maybe even pity. i feel like im jsut bothering everyone by being in school. tbh, the reason i work so hard in school is not just for other ppl's approval, but because i just want to make up for how boring and quiet i am. maybe then i can get a job when im older, but atm it seems unlikely. i can barely hold a conversation, and when i get overwhelmed/stressed in school my face tenses up and i look rly pissed off/sad when im not. no one wants to hire that. plus, it feels like not many ppl even care abt my grades. although the headmaster said i got the highest grades, he gave the "highest grades" awards to two other ppl who are more popular than me. i guess it shows not even the school wants me on stage in front of people. i do sound abt too whiny, i know: i do still feel as if the work i put in will be worth it in the end. but i cant stand how i act in school, i jsut feel like i cant help it. it sounds dramatic, but it feels like my mouth literally sews shut in front of other ppl. how do i fix this?? i just want to stop being so miserable and jealous of others. i dont need to make new friends, i just wish i was approachable anough for ppl to talk to me. sorry, i know its very difficult to respond to soemthing like this. i just wanted to vent mostly. thank u for reading x

I now believe that dream jobs are a waste of time. This is why I have thrown out being an astronomer, and graphic designer. I have dream jobs for a reason. Because I won’t actually pursue them. I won’t pursue them whether it’s because I dislike math and don’t want to work in a math heavy field or if I enjoy the product more than the process, and because it is a low percent chance I’ll actually achieve it in a period of the world where hard work doesn’t guarantee anything and most likely won’t get you what you want . if I were to consider people facing doubts and similar obstacles I can only understand how a few of them get their dream job. It’s better to not waste my time and existence on dream jobs and get a job I have a significantly higher chance of getting.

I don't have a personality, its like my whole self is built up on my friends and they hate me for it and tbh I hate myself for it more

I just had an intense argument with my mom, which led me to cry in the closet room for almost an hour. I don't want to go through the details of what happened. Let's just say one small thing lead to whole chaos. I thought about me and hers relationship together and I wondered if she actually cares about me. Ig she argued with me like she didn't, still, it hurt. Bc she's never actually listened to what I have to say. She always goes off rambling about whatever expecting to listen through. Then a few hours later, my dad rages over my brother like the hundredth time and beats him with a belt. Somehow, I got involved with his scolding bc the pathaway to my door was a mess with books and papers (it wasn't really mess, more like random stuff on the floor bc there's a bookshelf outside of my door) and he always has to include something hurtful and unnecessary to his scoldings. The worst part about all this is when it ends, bc when it does, it seems like everything goes back to normal, except now I'm a mental wreck contemplating about why sin did I committed in a past life to get emotionally and psychological abused by two emotionally self absorded nitwits who talk their asses off like they get paid for every sentence that say. I honestly thought about ending my life, I've been thinking about it for a long time now but its more of a traumatic response that something constant. But I'm really considering it now since I feel trapped in my parents' home and running away seems too terrifying to me. I just wished that they acc made an effort to care about me as an individual but ofc, they have like 5 other children to take care of, which they had WILLINGLY, so who gives a shit about their children's mental wellbeing.

Hi, I'm just turning 19 this year and finally making decent friends. Never really had friends so most things that happened in my childhood got deemed as 'normal' and pushed aside. until now. I was telling this one story to my friend about how my mom used to handle conflict between me and my sister and she told me it was basically abuse. I waved it off cause like in my mind my mom had done way worse then that so if the worst wasn't abuse how was this abuse? anyway I'll tell you all the story and see what you all think.

So it started with me and my sister. So me and my little sister are 6 years apart (im the oldest). My mom always forced us to play together even if we had completely different interests cause 'sisters play together'. whatever, we played together. But we'd always get into fights. so my mom came up with a new rule, anytime our arguments got out of hand and disturbed whatever she'd be doing we'd each need to pick a toy out of our separate favourite toy bins and throw them out. She'd make us throw them out while she watched then she'd burry whatever it was at the bottom of the garbage bag and tie off the bag and put it in the garage so we couldn't go dig it out later.

This went on for like 2 years. I was 7 when I remember it starting. it only ended when I was 9 cause I freaked out and in my mind I thought I upset my mom and that's why she stopped.

The last time she did it my sister and I were arguing and she was done with it. but instead of making us choose a toy she took away a huge bin of stuffed animals we had in the basement and said she was throwing the whole thing out that weekend. it was Tuesday. I only remember it was Tuesday cause I cried for three days straight. Only cause my favourite stuffed animal, a unicorn my great aunt gave me before she died, was in the bin.

I begged and cried for three days. three. told my mom I'd clean or do more chores or anything but she wouldn't budge. went to school crying, sat at home crying, even cried in bed cause at that time I slept with that unicorn overnight and now I didn't have it.

finally on Friday my mom randomly comes into my room, gives me the unicorn without a word and she never did the throw out rule again.

I didn't know why she stopped, I just guessed it didn't work how she wanted so she moved on to something new.

But my friend says this is really bad and I didnt' know. Like I genuinely thought this was normal and now im really confused and questioning my whole life???

Let me know what any of you think, I'm really hoping for some outside input here.

So my brother is apparently 'sick' but my mom doesnt believe him, so she told him that he was going to school instead of staying home. my brother kept on saying that he wasn't. me and my brother share a room btw. i was getting in some extra sleep while my mom and my brother were arguing, since I was ready by 7:10 am so I still had a good 30 minutes to sleep. when I woke up my mom called me down for breakfast. when I went downstairs I saw cereal witb honey on it, but there was a really small amount of milk. I genuinely cant eat foods if I dont like the look of it and I told my mom that I didnt want to eat it. my mom started yelling at me to start eating it. then my dad came in and started yelling at me. I told my mom that im sorry but I still dont wanna eat it. after that my mom threw the bowl of cereal at the table (it didnt break). she was just screaming at me about how much of a brat I was and then she threw the bowl of cereal into the sink. I just ran upstairs and started crying. then she told me to come down because I still need to eat. when I came downstairs and she saw that I was crying she just started acting like she wasnt the one screaming at me. she was hugging me and saying "dont cry sweetie". when I kept crying she started yelling again and then went back to comforting me. she gave me some leftover banana bread, but I was only able to eat an ⅛ of it since I was crying so much that I lost my appetite. after my mom dropped me off at school I went up to my friends. I was trying not to cry, but I just started crying infront of my friends. they were very confused and just stood there silently. after my classes it was time for lunch break and I told my friends why I was crying in the morning. they never gave their opinion on the situation, so do I have a right to be mad at my mom?

So It's been like 20 days since Iast uploaded. I have a girlfriend now, officially it has been 9 days. My feelings for my other friend have subsided but I can't tell for sure if they're gone or not. That's not the problem though. The last person I dated had a rough relationship with me. It's fully on me. It was off and on a lot for the last like 10 months. It was nothing about her really I guess I'm just used to more excitement and she was very limited because of her family being so religious. I tried to make it work but all we could do was text and draw really. So I decided to break it off fully in December last year. It was fine for a few days but she started acting like we were dating again. I had already made it clear why I wanted to break up and made sure that she understood. I was held up to these standards and pressures, I know she didn't mean to be controlling in any way. But it was like "We're going to go to the same college after four years of dating." "We're going to stay virgins and not have our first kiss until we meet irl." Which is fine there's nothing wrong with it but like I said I'm used to having a lot of chaos and fun and excitement. She also would kind of age play a little at times which would gross me out. I don't even want kids when I'm older and you're acting like a four year old it's not cute it's disgusting. But I also still love her so much... I want to tell her these things but she's also a very sweet person and I had to assure her a lot to make sure that she believed her love wasn't too much for anyone. She self blames a lot. I've been kind of ghosting her and she still sends goodmorning texts and goodnight texts every day. She tells me how she misses me and stuff. I wasn't very big on PDA and pet names but something about her made me comfortable with that stuff I feel like I'm at a constant war with my feelings and I just met some of her family and friends.

My family adopted a cat in december, well she adopted us. And I wanna know how to make great games for her because sometimes she seems a little bit bored.

I'm working since november in a new job and at first I tought that it would more than the same but now I really like it and I'm really glad to be there. But now I have to travel in february with My family for almost three weeks and I'm kinda sad and guilty because I don't wanna leave this workplace and I know for sure that they're going to fire me. So, I don't know what to say or do... And I can't delay the flight because it was too expensive and my family bought it in october.

I posted a few days ago about how messed up the school system is and how i feel really exhausted and i reread it recently and was like WOW was I playing a victim. I realized that the entire post is painfully pity-seeking, and makes me want to cry. I'm not having a harder time than anyone else, and my situation is actually very good, so the fact that I am actively harping against a reality I have created for myself is just completely disgusting. I've decided to stop acting like a martyr and actually take responsibility for my laziness and realize that there is NOTHING special about my situation. It's just called being in high school. It's just called working hard for a future and not looking for attention for surviving it. The only true problem is me, and it's about time I take responsibility for my life. Thanks to the comments who helped me realize that.

PS. How do I tell if some of those comments are AI? they felt too similar idk it was creepy. If you are not an AI and you comment, add in the name of a fruit and don't use emojis.

I don't know why, but when I travel with my family, my mom is the worst person I could travel with. She wouldn't leave me alone and always stays in my bedroom I share with my other siblings even though she has an even better bedroom. She then just comes in at any time and berates me when I'm just living and using one device. Says I'm addicted, even though she uses her phone to chat with friends for 9 HOURS, a day. And when we are visiting other families she then berates me (again) and compares me to them all the time. She also likes to lie. One time we were travelling and I said I didn't want to go. She said we were going to the zoo and after she just keeps trying to convince me I said yes. But guess what? No zoo. Not at all. It is pointless to try and hope that she will change, because she is never going to change.

My friend and I have known each other for a few years now and I have known her boyfriend before they started dating and that was when we hanged out with mutual friends. I noticed after they settled down together that she is very open sexually towards me and even makes her boyfriend give an opinion. Her boyfriend gets super uncomfortable and its obvious she wants him to say something so of course he says something to please her. its weird because whether or not he responds she tends to blow up the situation or completely takes things out of context. I don't know if I'm overreacting and I know I'm missing a lot of context.

do u ever see happy couple or family, or hear talk about it, and then ur instantly reminded u dont have a family, u have a house full of people but none good to turn to, none u can be urself with, ur just lonely, "friends" maybe idk, but there not safe to open up or they probably truly dont give a fuck, and are probably far away from u, and ur not sure who to trust and ur lonely forever, and were in a shitty world even then at least could be spent with nice people, no i dont even have that, im not even interesting person myself, i dont do or know interesting things, and if i dont work be productive my worth just vaporizes away, nobody would want me around if i dont contribute, nobody would care, if they did then there probably got there head in there ass, and im always will be second to someone else anyway