Life Stories and Everyday Drama

lately, I've been feeling like my fuse has gotten a bit too short. it happened the other day with a dear friend. we were just talking, and i snapped over something totally minor. it was embarrassing, and now I'm worried if this is becoming a pattern. what scares me more is that it's carrying over into other parts of my life. like waiting in line at the grocery store....i find myself getting irritated SO easily...

this isn't who I want to be or how I want others to see me. patience and politeness, they're not just nice qualities. they're crucial, especially at work where everyone depends on maintaining a good atmosphere. 'a little patience can solve many problems,' someone once said. i wish i could remember to follow that advice before i let a sharp word slip out again.

being rude could cost me relationships that mean the world to me. i don't want to be known as that person who can't keep their cool over trivial matters. but that's easier said than done when emotions run high, isn't it? one way or another though, i've got to manage this before it affects my reputation! especially professionally...

the way forward seems clear yet daunting: listen more, react less, pause before speaking, breathe deeply when frustration bubbles up... these sound simple but putting them into consistent practice is their own challenge. like they say, "practice makes perfect". hopefully peppering reminders to stay calm throughout the day helps me get back control over my responses.

ever found yourself in a situation where everything seems just perfect on the surface but deep inside, chaos reigns? yeah, that's me right now. imagine this: during a pretty standard meeting at work, suddenly feeling like an arctic chill hits out of nowhere. i mean, I'm already all bundled up in my thick sweater and it's summer for crying out loud! it's one of those moments you can't help but question your sanity...?! later, i casually mention this weird occurrence to a friend who casually drops the bombshell that anxiety might be at play here. really???!!! anxiety??!!! chills??!! i'm finding it hard to believe there's a connection but i guess stranger things have happened. so anyway, this unexpected comment got me thinking: is it possible that my mental state is manifesting these bizarre physical symptoms?

let's be clear xD i'm not exactly persuaded by this notion just yet; it seems too far-fetched. still.. my curiosity is piqued and i'm diving into this with an open mind... sort of🤷‍♂️! could it actually be true that stress or anxiety could make someone feel cold? apparently there are others who experience similar stuff but again.. color me skeptical.

i keep asking myself: am i misinterpreting what my body's trying to tell me? when you're ensconced in layers and still trembling like a leaf in the wind... there has to be more going on than mere temperature issues, right?

to top it off... work meetings aren't something i'd generally associate directly with high stress levels...yet here we are. plus, i haven't noticed other nerve-racking events having such an impact before. despite everything being fairly stable externally (or seemingly so!), perhaps there's an unconscious undercurrent brewing beneath the calm facade...?

bottom line? as bewildering as every step feels while exploring whether anxiety truly can cause chills or not (and what lies beyond if yes or no) i'm ready to delve deeper until something clicks finally.

Hello, I'm here yet again for another vent session. I'm going to keep it short, but basically, I met with my therapist today, and we were talking about how I have a tendency to rethink about traumas that I've had, which is part of the reasons why I tend to think too much. I've had a guy rape me two times when I was a kid, and my parents who were just chaotic towards me for 15 years (so screaming over things I did that were for the most part inconsequential, criticism over my body, criticism over my appearance, criticism over the way I acted, criticism over my grades when they tanked, disregard of my boundaries, no actual efforts of repair etc...). When I referred to my trauma, my therapist only thought that my trauma was just me getting raped, but then when I said that in this case, I was referring to how my mom was acting towards me, and they seemed genuinely surprised. They then told me that I hold rape and me getting yelled at on the same equal ground and told me about how they always hear about the violences their other clients tell them, then proceeded to tell me that they're not minimising my experiences.

I know on one hand that objectively, my trauma with my parents aren't as severe as other things I went through, but tbh, I think it's a little insensitive to say something like that, especially since they know that the yelling was repeated, and especially since I've written down practically the jist of it and sent it to them. In short, I'm frustrated and I'm seriously considering to stop getting appointments with them.

Thank you for reading this. I hope you have a good evening/day.

i feel like every time someone gets too close lol i start finding reasons to push them away. even tho i want connection deep inside but then why sabotage relationships??? so confusing right!!! it’s like there’s a part of me that sees this happen and stops trying to make it work, giving up almost willingly ??? wishing someone would just stick around against my pushing and pulling tendencies. but then again maybe theyre just waiting for a sign i really need them??🤔.

what frustrates me is how many excuses dwell in my head, it's like each one valid on the surface, seems legit at first glance. gotta admit, I even buy into them myself sometimes. 'too busy' or 'they need too much'. i get caught up 🤦‍♀️ thinking they're all true enough not realizing im shoving people out the door before they can knock.

i know that lotsa folks probably suck in relating too like me feeling trapped in their own patterns wanting something opposite yet doing NOTHING to change it!!!!!!! the cycle’s endless man it's tiring exhausting ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!! even my ex bestie remarked once sarcastically saying 'you're your own worst enemy' couldn't have said better myself ha.

So I packed my bags and moved to a new city thinking wow this place got so much potential. It's supposed to be full of opportunities, right? But man oh man, starting fresh ain't all it's cracked up to be 🤕. At first, it was exciting like being in some wild social parade, trying to blend in make friends left and right. You know what they say gotta put yourself out there! But then as days turned into weeks, something hit me: I'm straight up drowning bro or at least feels like it... How am I supposed to find the energy for this chaos all the time?

I'm not saying every person here is judgy but damnnn some ppl won't even give u one chance if you don't fit into their lil clique. And personally I'm tired of constantly shifting between groups only to feel more alienated each time 😒. Tried chatting some folks up at bars even hit a gym class or two nothing helped it was like talking to robots running routines I'd never understand.

Here's what gets me: I keep questioning why am I stressing so damn much about other ppl's approval 🥴. Wouldn't life be easier if we could just stop caring entirely??? Like wouldn't that free us from all this unnecessary stress hunting friendships? Okay maybe I'm dreaming too big here lmao but seriously what happens if i do exactly that – completely stop caring?

I got this buddy back home he used ditch these toxic friendships without batting an eye and lived his best life regardless. He'd say sometimes you gotta let things fall where they may (soz cheesy af lol) but hey maybe there's wisdom buried somewhere in those words who knows!

Part of me wants throw hands up admit defeat let nature run its course while another part dreams bigger gives no fks pushes through till finally land on right squad eventually... Maybe taking short break from worrying is answer for now 🙃 whatever works bro!

Okay so something creepy happened again. I woke up last night feeling this weird connection to my partner and I'm like, yo did we just share the same dream or what? 💤 It's wild because this isn't the first time. Imagine you're sleeping and then boom, there's this feeling that maybe your partner was there too. While having dinner together today (nothing fancy, just us hanging out) they casually mentioned stuff about my past, things I've legit never told anyone before! And I'm sitting there thinking, how do they even know that?

It's not like I'm paranoid or anything but honestly it's freaky when it happens! It's like every once in a while we somehow read each other's thoughts or dreams. It could be nothing but I start wondering if maybe we have some kind of telepathic connection going on between us; Or maybe I'm just reading too much into coincidences. It's funny because part of me is totally fascinated by it and kinda wants to believe it's true, you know?

So anyway, this one night changed how I look at everything now (even ordinary stuff feels different). Like lately whenever we're talking, I'll say something and they're already nodding before I finish: like they've heard it before somewhere in their head. It's sweet though knowing they're on the same wavelength as you are most times. Still can't shake off how exactly such things happen without explaining why or how that works but hey who am I to say...

Truth is these occurrences really make life feel special despite being bizarre sometimes; they've added an extra layer to our relationship making everything feel more magical yet unpredictable... just putting it out there for anyone else who sees strange things unfold over dinner LOL! Could all be coincidence but makes ya think twice huh?

Okay, so I'm wondering if any of you guys do this. When I'm in the heat of a conversation, especially when things get tense or emotional, I just can't help it....I start pacing. Back and forth, back and forth again and again. It's like my feet have a mind of their own or something; they can't just stay still! Sometimes I notice people looking at me funny when I do it. Like they think I'm not paying attention cause I'm moving around so much. But man, that's not it at all! Pacing helps me think better, you know? Process what's being said or hit on what I really wanna express. But then there's this other part of me that's kinda self-conscious about it though, right? Like does it seem rude to others? Do they feel like I'm disconnected from the conversation when actually I'm trying to be more engaged by letting off some nervous energy? 🤔 Also since we're being honest here: Could this be messing with my relationships somehow? Like giving off weird vibes or something unintentionally: simply cause my anxiety comes out as pacing rather than chewing nails or fidgeting hands (which is more socially acceptable)? Oh well...time will tell maybe! Hoping one day folks might view these quirks as just parts of who we are while seeing past them toward the feelings behind each movement.

i've always found the holidays a bit unbearable in this conservative hometown of mine. it seems like everything around here caters to traditions rooted in ignorance, leaving absolutely no room for acknowledgment of LGBTQ holidays. frankly, it's a frustrating reality to live in, where my identity is consistently disregarded by those around me.

this year i decided to change things up and host a gathering at my place to celebrate Pride Month. if they won't include us, we'll make our own space. organizing the event was no small feat, considering the lack of support and subtle disapproval from some family members who still cling onto antiquated notions. yet surprisingly, a few friends were quite receptive to the idea!they seemed eager to partake in something that felt more inclusive and representative of who we are....

however, despite the promising start, the experience left me feeling rather disenchanted. some friends expressed concerns over attendance due to potential backlash from neighbors who are notoriously nosy and judgmental. can you believe we have to hide who we are just to avoid their narrow-mindedness?!! it's unbelievably exhausting!?! yet one can't help but wonder why society continues down such misguided paths when diversity should be embraced instead?! it's like this quote: émost people are other people", it feels so right for me.

Hey, everyone! So here's the deal: it's my brother's birthday soon and I just can't put into words what I'm feeling right now. We've had a wild year together (ups, downs, sideways turns) you name it. Anyway, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to write him a birthday message that really encapsulates everything because he deserves something special after all we've been through. How do you even start? "Happy Birthday to the best brother ever" feels so bland after this year??? Ugh! It's just frustrating when words don't seem to match what your heart wants to say!

Have you guys ever felt like that? No matter how many attempts I make at jotting down my feelings with some semblance of eloquence, they always fall short of capturing the essence of our relationship! Sure, I've considered referencing specifics from those times we were rolling on the floor laughing during movie nights or quoting his classic lines that cracked us up when nothing else could; Those moments are priceless but then again... how do you wrap them neatly in a message without sounding cheesy?

Honestly though: it puzzles me how complex these sibling dynamics are! Industry-specific terminology might help others conceptualize feelings clearer...like architecting emotions or engineering sentiments... but even such advanced vocabulary leaves gaps 😅 Does anyone else end up spiraling into thought loops like I do late at night?? Feeling glad yet slightly detached writing this post is giving me perspective while processing all these emotions can be SO draining yet cathartic!!! Really appreciate hearing any thoughts from y'all!

so I went to this family reunion and it was supposed to be chill, right? but then my parents decided it was story time!!! like seriously, who needs to know about the time i peed my pants in kindergarten?! i'm sitting there dying and my partner's right next to me trying not to laugh (or maybe die from awkardness). this was their first time meeting my family and instead of normal convos or whatever, we get a rundown of every dumb thing i've done since i was born. 😑

after the third embarrassing tale (they just wouldn't stop), i couldn't even look at anyone. everyone around seemed entertained while i'm just wishing for a miracle escape route. they talked about that stupid incident when i mistook the neighbor's cat for our own...like okay yeah that happened but why now??? all this in front of people i've never met before!!!

and then comes the cherry on top: grandma chimes in with something about my weird teenage goth phase even though i'd rather forget that ever happened 🤦‍♂️ trying so hard not to lose it completely as they think they're being funny or cute or whatever!!! and of course nobody asks if it's cool with me.

honestly left the reunion feeling humiliated AF! i get family reunions are about sharing memories and stuff but can there be a limit please???? some stories are MEANT to stay dead and buried forever!! 🙄 how is it fair for them to air out everything without warning?? wasn't fun for me AT ALL.

Experiencing anxiety chills can be quite disruptive, especially in professional settings. During critical work meetings where I am tasked with presenting in front of the team, I often find myself overtaken by intense chills whenever my anxiety reaches its peak. This physiological response not only causes embarrassment but also significantly impacts my ability to focus and maintain a coherent train of thought throughout the presentation. The trembling becomes so pronounced that it feels almost insurmountable to deliver the content smoothly and confidently.

In seeking solutions to manage this challenge, I've encountered references to various techniques in stress management literature that reportedly assist in mitigating these instances. 'Progressive muscle relaxation' is frequently mentioned as an effective method for reducing anxiety-induced physical symptoms. Additionally, cognitive behavioral strategies intended to reframe anxious thoughts have shown promise in relieving some of the mental strain associated with public speaking scenarios. Although these approaches offer hope, it remains a continuous journey of trial and error while striving to overcome this personal obstacle within professional contexts.

Anyone also impacted by taht at work?

I don't feel like writing much, because it will be problematic later, very unstable. When I leave, I don't know if I'll be able to carry this sense of coherence there, wherever I am, to manage myself as if I were here, calm, relaxed, at the mercy of all the available services, as I should have outside. Outside, there's nothing that allows me to recharge with confidence. I don't even feel the possibility of having the same space, of anything. I have no stability outside; there's nothing that allows me to feel settled, that allows me to feel calm, relaxed. Right now, I'm going through all that stress, the feeling that I can't create the same environments with apps as I do here, with this calm. I feel my calm is conditional, bitter, meaningless, as if the future will be worse. I feel like I have to pretend nothing's wrong, like nothing's happening, just like when I go to the office. While I'm experiencing one thing on the outside, I'm experiencing something else entirely there, and I always try to make everything an extension of myself. Somehow, I can't keep fighting to hold on; it's not in my nature. It's feeling like I'm not living my life in harmony with the present circumstances, to gain control, to be able to dominate them. It's feeling like life is abandoning me in this holistic way, that the people aren't giving me the tools to deal with the problems.

Wow, I'm also exhausted from talking, talking, and talking. My boss is such a defensive person; he sees everything as a threat. Anything that deviates from his norms, anything that exposes him, he attacks. He goes against everyone, acting in the hope that people won't do anything, perpetuating the battle until the very end, hoping for some light that will pull him out of it, but it's not like that. I didn't allow it in the final moments. He tries to operate through omissions, so that no one can say anything, and that's not being with others. He acts as if nothing is wrong, as if everything is a fit of anxiety. Sure, people leave him, betray him—it's incredible the world that guy lives in. Always checking, always verifying. With such insecurity, perhaps it would be better for him to go to a cave or his house, because he feels he has to impose his will on everyone. Well, that's how I've felt I've had to operate with the apps, when I write and write, trying to control the space, to spread ideas, possible movements. Indeed, after the incidents with him, where people initially saw me as the stranger, and then they saw him, definitively, because it was indeed happening.

The guy's a scoundrel, he takes things for what he wants, that's why he's always in that state of panic and intense stress, and you ask him to understand. Frankly, I'm tired of giving him excuses to come back. I've already built a wall with him; I wasn't going to let him return. I was going to make him regret coming back, to make him realize that returning to me would come with consequences, which is exactly what he didn't want—something that would affect him and be reversible. If I don't treat him severely, the guy won't leave. Well, that's how I had to treat my father to put him in his place. It's exhausting writing. I feel that pressure from when I left, when I felt like I was writing under pressure, not writing for fear of losing the data on the device. I felt that thing that made me unable to write, but rather cling to it, let myself go because there would be no risk, because there would be nothing to motivate me to move quickly to achieve my goal. I feel like it's self-sabotage in some way. I can't work with my boss, it's impossible. The guy is too unstable for me. He's always getting involved in shady dealings, he doesn't take care of himself at all, he's always covering up problems instead of solving them, he acts impulsively and recklessly. I can't be with him, it's impossible, and believe me, I tried to mediate all of that, but he didn't take advantage of it. He thinks he knows everything, and he doesn't. I don't want to think what it would have been like if this had happened to me, precisely because I acted according to my own words and not according to the collective's. He got to the other extreme and then just detached himself, ignoring all the evidence. At least I have the benefit of the ethics of evidence.

It's so annoying to write under stress, knowing that I have limitations. I wish I weren't focused on limitations, but rather on feeling that something that leads to the infinite, without problems. My boss always wanted everything to be at his mercy, no matter what, regardless of anything, so he could be at ease and move forward, without worrying about whether I could do anything unless it suited him. Everything was for him, by him, and without having asked permission. I felt like I was being held captive by him, and if I said anything, he would accuse me of wrongdoing, with that authoritarian attitude he adopted, and then say, "Well, I agreed." It was an abuse of power, that way he didn't control me.

Frankly, I'm not in the mood for my boss. He started to back down when he saw his own actions leading him to ruin, to fall for nothing. That's why he isolated himself from me more and more, to avoid problems. But things reached a breaking point because he was neglecting his work; he wasn't facing the staff in front of him. He was avoiding them in a way. He only wanted what was under his control, what he chose, what he could dominate. The guy was that awful with his employees and thought we didn't notice. Frankly, I'm not interested in his life; I'm only interested in doing my job. How unpleasant! The guy always acts like everything's fine, like he treats me well so he doesn't seem bad, and believe me, I've made him stick his tongue out at me several times. His faces and gestures didn't work this time to cover up his dirty tricks. I told myself he wasn't going to get away with this, no matter what games he played. I wasn't going to put up with his drama. Frankly, it's time that guy realized he's at a job, not some place where he thinks he can do whatever he pleases. There are responsibilities, there are relationships, and this time, using the office as a shield is isolating himself from everyone else, from the hierarchy, from his duties. It's the worst thing he could have done, and yet he thinks he's a god because of it, the best, the absolute best, and that's not how it works. I'm not going to be with him, and it infuriates me to say that. I had to tell him in the worst way possible because after the tragedies in my country, when he came looking for me, after everything he did to me, to help him in the office, I shut him down. I didn't even ask how he was. The guy had to understand once and for all.

The guy thinks you're only with him as long as he sees some hope of coming back, of giving in. He considers the physical abuse temporary, thinking that ignoring him because it doesn't last forever means it's just a passing thing, but it's not. When the top management in the office told me about a pending task, he assumed it was a favor, as if I were out of the office or something. But no, he's not in charge there; those higher-ups are, and I made that clear to him. I honestly didn't care how he felt or how nervous he was. I was going to make him respect me as an employee, and I was fed up with him being so clueless, with him seeing everything as his personal domain, his personal kingdom in the office, which it isn't. Because of that mindset, I hurt my friend. I resolved, even before the authorities got involved, to eradicate it. But with the authorities' involvement, it turned out to be an invasive tactic, a way for them to establish themselves in those spaces, for all the other reasons. The guy was trying to provoke me into conflict on all sides, but I wouldn't let him. He tried to doubt me, my abilities, to extract information from me, but I wouldn't allow it. I had no reason to. I don't have to give him information about what should be done; it's time he got his bearings.

Personally, at this point, I'm not interested in my boss, his ideals, his principles, or anything like that. I don't care, I shouldn't care, and I never should have. I should never have trusted him in the first place, or taken a chance on him; that was a huge mistake. Encountering such a reckless, rule-breaker, chameleon-like person is something I can't allow myself to do again. Who does this guy think he is, playing with my life as he pleases? I'm sorry, but he doesn't interfere in my spaces, on my turf, and for his image, honestly, I don't have to stand out. I do it because of the law, whether he likes it or not, and it was quite a fight because for him, the point was to make himself look good, to make him look good at all costs, when I was acting in my own best interest, defending my principles, as I should too. I wasn't in a group to avoid confronting others' doubts; quite the opposite, it's about confronting them. That's why I don't want to anymore, because those people are incapable, from any perspective, of taking responsibility for those around them. The issue boils down to his principles and mine before the collective, so that these are what prevail. That's why I gave my best tool, I was the one who made the best judgment. If we're going to play with popularity to see who comes out on top, unfortunately, empathy no longer exists because one is essentially focused on the collective, not on the other. My boss wanted to go down that road, so, well, if that's how he wanted to play the game, then I went for it. He wanted to act in isolation from the office, while I, on the other hand, acted in the best interests of the company, in the best interests of each individual. You're there to be with everyone, not to stage a show of support; that's not the spirit. That's definitely an attack on the company, and that's what I got, because they forgot that they're part of it, that they also have to be mindful of its consequences. I had to get out of there.

What a drag to write. Luckily, I'm holding on; I've discovered I can hold on. But I feel an inertia, well, not a desire to do anything, but a headache that expresses the need to process the thousand angers in my head, to form thoughts that give concrete form to everything I went through in that environment. I'm constantly digging and digging to see how far I can go, always discovering a variety of new things. I expose myself to experiences in order to make the most of everything, to extract as much knowledge as possible. I am tired of going out, though, because I feel like the town's services are on one side and I'm on the other. The town's services don't work well anywhere, and devices have such short battery lives. I always have to worry about the battery when I'm writing or using apps, and it's stressful because without devices, you're isolated from the world, and that's a problem. It's not just the devices themselves, but being connected to the world. This isolation from the world, which is actually from everyone thanks to the internet, isn't pleasant. I admit it's not something I can stand. Well, I can live with it for a while, and I think that's okay because I depend on my own resources, but beyond that, it's impossible. It would be like going insane. Everything is expensive, prices are rising, I worry about my salary, about my life, because I don't know how long I'll receive family support. At any moment my family could leave and I could be left destitute, completely forgotten about my life, unable to live it, and I don't want that. For some time now I've felt the will to move forward, not to wait for that to happen and succumb to the drastic shock. I'm thinking about achieving some tolerance in this regard, on my own. I think about leaving my friend at the office, since I've already done what I had to do with her, leaving her in good shape, but that's not the idea either, to leave her alone. The idea is to continue together, to remain a group, to keep getting together, sharing those moments of touching that vulnerable part of us, which isn't even sexually attractive, but rather that which is unseen and where scenarios of great pain materialize. They are exposed and ignored; it's there where we feel, it's there where we feel we can communicate, because our bodies express that feeling and we express that appreciation, that warmth, that rich and meaningful connection between us. However, I don't think this is a reason to do it, but a part of me says yes. I feel that I start from her to live the rest of my life the way I like. I feel that because of her I have a reason to fight, to grow, to sustain myself, to do pleasant things, to care for others, so that it is valued in some way, from that intimate, pleasant thing, from that inspiration that I see being planted in her. She is very special to me and I can't leave her, and that's why I can't leave my life either. I love her so much.

I don't know if my boss has ever told my friend that I love her; she's a very funny person, her boss. There are many things to think about. Recently, I was out and about, and it was so hard to write because I felt like I had to keep an eye on the battery, the internet connection, everything, just to be able to do what I wanted calmly. I'm no longer calm where I'm going; I don't live in that state. I feel like I want to express things that that calm space allows me to, but I struggle more to be there, creating that "being" which isn't the point. I feel like the people aren't supporting me in that sense. I want to talk about government, about the State, about reflecting calmly, about sowing my seeds, but I'm finding myself in difficulties. I feel like I can achieve a lot, but at the cost of a lot of effort, and it makes me feel like it's not worth going there to write, to think, to research, to study, to meditate, etc., etc. That's exactly how I feel about the office, and that's why I want to leave. I feel like I have to focus on a job that definitely doesn't contribute anything to my development. Even the conversations aren't good; the work doesn't offer me anything educational. I only see conflicts, contempt for people, contempt for the world, and disorder. Well, I learn something from it, but that's not the point. The point is to gain some training, some added value from the company's product, and that's the last thing I find. I don't feel like I have the opportunity to be curious or ask questions because the goal isn't the education of others, but rather simplistic, bitter, indecent conversations, devoid of rich conclusions or learning. There's nothing more to add. Curiosity isn't well-received because there's a fear that I'll stray from the norm, and reading is seen as something uninspiring, something that won't break the mold. What a bitter place this office is; I have no desire to go there. Even reading is problematic in the places I like to go. I don't feel at peace anywhere; I even have to fight for my space because I feel like I have no space at all. I feel like I have no rules other than those of the law itself, which is often ignored. I kicked my boss in the butt out of a sad respect for hierarchy, and that was it. He was lectured about it, which made me take things to the extreme. My boss, pretending otherwise after the tragedies in my country, took it as a violation of his principles: he cares about the company, and he didn't appreciate it at all. Naturally, I cut him out of my life. With my friend, who's where all this mess started, I felt valued, as did her group and the rest of the office. The thing is very simple: The office doesn't belong to them, I don't belong to them, I'm not part of them; I belong to the company. But it seems they took it as if I wanted to escape, as if I were deliberately abandoning them according to the rules, according to that same slip-up, like my boss used to do. And now I understand why they treated me with the reprisals he always felt I deserved.

Couldn't imagine myself being here on a platform to vent about my frustrations and feelings but there's no one I feel safe with venting about this. So here I go. My wife and I have been known each other and been together for 8+ years. She was living with her sister for a few years prior to me moving in. I've met her sister before and when we were dating but I never had a relationship or connection with her. Over the past 3-5 years living with her, it's been rough. I feel bad bc I've started to resent her in some ways and have started to harbour negative emotions. She's not a bad person, I just don't like the behavior and tendencies she has. She's germophopic, and I don't know if she has contamination OCD but she washes her hand a lot, she washes her clothes every other day, she doesn't like outside clothes so she has to change every time she goes out, and she showers every day. It used to not bother me so much but she quit her job and isn't paying any bills. She kind of just exists in our home. Because she is meticulous with her health, she doesn't want to apply to many jobs and so she's been selectively applying to 1 job every other week. And I'm not saying apply as much as you can but if you really want to get a job wouldn't you submit more applications? And I wouldn't even be that upset that she's not found a job yet but then she complains so much about her health and every little change with her health is affecting her. So my wife has been asking her to go with us on hikes and outings to events and parks but she always has an excuse to not go. Always. It's so annoying to me because she always told me my wife like "I really want to go out into nature and take in scenery and find myself" but then when it's time she always says no. I feel bad for my wife because I feel like she doesn't enjoy spending time with my wife and i, especially if she has to sit in a car for an hour or two. But when we planned out annual road trip and her other sisters are coming she gets super excited and actually wants to plan elaborate ideas and activities. That's annoying to me. And aside from this, she doesn't do anything with her time. She wakes up, eats breakfast, watches Instagram reels, and do laundry. That's like 80% of her routine. Because she's germophobic, she doesn't help with recycling or trash. She'd help us with our dishes but thats it. She complains about how dirty her bathroom toilet is but won't clean it for weeks. And ever since she's been home full time with nothing but time, she stays up late and sleeps in till 10-11am every day. One time my wife and I left to go somewhere with our little one and she was just home, she did some dishes when she got up but she neglected to wash a frying pan which she later got pissed about because she was getting hungry and overstimulated and of course she bursts and complains to my wife about it and I got blamed for it because I used the pan that morning. She had 3 hours to herself and didn't think to help wash the pan in the sink? I am the main person who cooks dinner for everyone. It gets tiring and now I'm also supposed to wash the dishes after. And imagine how I feel when the one person who doesn't do much has the most comments about the food? It's frustrating and annoying, so whenever my sister in law ask me "what's for dinner?" I get super triggered sometimes and feel like I don't want to answer her at all. I can't even feel like I can ask her to help me with cooking because she gets overstimulated. And My wife gets tired from her job every evening when she gets home so I try not to lean on her too much either so I'm basically pushing through by myself. I get tired, so sometimes I don't wash or do my own dishes.after I cooked. And sometimes when my sister in law is in mood, she gets all grumpy and pissy and passive and goes days without talking to my wife. Then when something small gets her she's overwhelmed and takes it out on everyone else. When she's not grumpy she talks so much. Sometimes I'm just like, man do you love hearing yourself talk? So you know when she's in a mood when she's quiet and that means she's checked out and basically unreliable for anything. Including helping us watch our little one for an hour or two while we go on a date night. She always tells my wife that shes got a plan to leave and move out of the state, but she doesn't have a job and no savings. But a part of me tells me that she's not going anywhere not with how she's approaching it. Every time my wife asks her when does she think she's going to leave, she always says "it could be next year but maybe not who knows". These things take preparation, time, and money. She did not think it through when she decided to quit her job. We pay for everything, food and bills. Imagine how much our sewage and water bill is with how much she is using. I love my wife, and maybe it's a bit foolish to say you love someone but can't bring yourself to tell them about these things. But I don't think it would be received well. My wife and her sister have a great relationship and bond that they've built. They're vulnerable with each other and can talk about anything and everything. I envy that bc I don't have that kind of relationship with my siblings. But I can clearly tell that she likes her little sisters more than my wife. I don't think she likes me either but she's kind of had to deal with me because she's living in our home and I'm her brother in law. I feel bad that I feel like I can't talk to my wife about this but we have our own issues to sort through and I'd rather focus on that with her. I just hope the universe helps her find her way so she can live instead of existing, for my sake and sanity too.

You know, there's this saying or belief that when you can't sleep at night, it's because someone else is thinking about you. I've always found that idea so comforting and a bit whimsical 🤗🥰. When I was younger, my dear grandmother used to say this to me whenever I had trouble falling asleep. It made sleepless nights feel less lonely. She'd tell stories of long-lost lovers and friends who drifted apart but remained connected through thoughts across distances, like invisible threads tying hearts together.

The other night, as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling with thoughts racing through my mind, I couldn't help but recall her soothing words again. I wondered if it was true.... could there actually be someone out there thinking of me? And for some reason, it didn’t matter whether it was an old friend or maybe someone I just met recently. The mere thought brought a smile to my face and a sense of peace over all the chaos bouncing around my mind.

I guess what I'm trying to express is this: whether or not there's any truth behind it doesn't really matter in the end, does it? It's about finding reassurance in simple beliefs that might not hold up under scrutiny but have emotional strength nonetheless. They give us something intangible yet valuable: a sense of connection even when we feel isolated. So here's to hoping tonight I'll find sleep knowing maybe someone's thinking of me too....