School Stories

I am a 2nd sem student and right now I want to know if I should continue engineering or not. To give give you some context I did my 12th in open schooling due to terrible mental health issues and therefore I was at home and didn't really interact with people outside. Fortunately I somehow managed to pass the exams and then I got in to this college(through CET). In my 1st sem I tried really hard to control my mental health and tried getting along with this new system. I tried doing my best to socialize and study. My parents are veryy very supportive and I seek help from therapy and have been heavily medicated (which makes me seem tired and sleepy all the time). During the first few weeks of 1st sem, there was some misunderstandings with someone and I reacted too harsh by shrieking in front of the class. After that no one would sit next to nor talk to me. It seemed like they were afraid of me (according to my teachers). There were some who were kind enough to share notes with me but I noticed that they did because they were afraid of me. I struggled throughout the classes with my mental health deteriorating and it made things worse. During lab I was a mess, I would feel anxious like a LOT and my hands would tremble. This made me seem incapable of doing anything which made my classmates to dread working with me and teachers were too annoyed with my incompetence. I tried working even hard but it only worsened my mental health. I explained the teachers my situation, they were understanding but for how long? during my 1st sem finals I was a chaotic mess, I was unable to focus on studies because of my mental health. I managed to pass 1st but with 3 backlogs, it isn't the best but this was something I could manage doing at least. I wanted to take an year off from college but my parents didn't like the idea. I told my therapist, who suggested me to change courses, but I am too scared to do that because my parents are really keeping their hopes up. 2nd sem started, and by now everyone knew each other and were interacting with each other, I was the only one in class who didn't really have anyone to sit next to me in class. It was obvious. Sometimes I think that this is just me being too dramatic about everything but I often see that my classmates make faces and avoid sitting next to me, it almost feels like there's something REALLY wrong with me. Honestly, I cannot keep up with such an environment and pretend that everything is okay. I now dread a lot going to college and hate doing the homework. I'm being kicked out of the class for not finishing my work. I really really want some advice right now, I don't want to disappoint my parents....and I am sorry if this post is unclear, this is my first time posting stuff on the internet, I hope you are kind enough to understand that. Thank you!

Imagine actually being really sick, and your mom doesn't believe you, always undermines it, and forces you to do things and you can't say no because you can't seem to say it, and you give up on seeking any sort of comfort from your family but then it starts to break you and the mask you always have on starts to crack so you start to get moody and isolate yourself in your room and then hope is reignited in your heart that maybe just maybe your family could notice and strive to atleast try to understand whats happening but then that hope is extinguished after all they do is get annoyed and threaten you to take the one thing that helps you handle life, your source of reading away, if you don't start "sitting with them," "smiling," "only sit in your room if you're sleeping," and "laughing and returning to normal." So you mend the mask and put it back on again. And then you really feel like you're all alone and you hate that feeling. Then the mask that you put in school also cracks, but you don't have any more hope so you don't even try to mend it. You leave it as it is and just try to survive. Because you don't have the strength to do it anymore. But miraculously, some people start asking if you're okay. But you're already too numb and don't want to believe that someone may actually want to understand again, and you don't wanna burden anyone with your problems so you don't tell any of your friends. And the people that keep asking if there's a problem you tell them just the surface. Just so they can know and stop asking questions because every time someone does, it crushes your already broken heart a little. And every time you tell someone the surface level, you are met with two things, either indifference or pity. And you don't need any of those. You don't need anything at all right now. Well, you used to need someone to just listen in the past, but that need is broken by how your attempts ended. So you start hiding behind your mask at home. And just ignoring what people think and what's happening in school. And then teachers start to notice. And they like the idiots thay are. They basically announce it to the whole class multiple times. And now all your classmates are looking at you with pity or indifference. And you hate that. Because you don't need their pity. But even though you don't care, it doesn't mean that you want the whole class to know. So you brush it off every time and ignore all the stares and questions. And now you hate going to school when you're lying in your bed sleeping, and you hate going home when you're in school, and you don't have to put that stupid mask back on. You start escaping to the nady next to your house, taking the guise that you're going to the gym. But actually, you just want to spend time alone without anyone bothering you or asking questions. You just want to just stare at the ceiling and think about your life or read and escape from your life. But then when you're there, time flies by, and you don't realise each time. And you start spending hours there. And your parents are starting to get suspicious. And you really don't want them to know because you don't know where else you can go. And you worry about how your future is gonna be like. And how your parents will react when they see your grades when they see the missings when they see that you did close to none of the hws or projects or anything this quarter. All of this because you can't seem to concentrate enough to do these tasks no matter how simple as just turning something in. All because of how you feel. And then you consider wearing the mask back on at school also. To return when it was easy for the people around you. Because clearly no one cares enough to listen and understand and even if they do, you can't bring yourself to tell them anything. Huh, maybe you even developed trust issues now. You try to do that today. You try to put the maks back on. To hide behind it again. But it's too shattered. And your true self is already close to shattering as well. And now you feel pathetic, and you feel like life has no meaning now. You miss how it was before all that. Before the pain. Before the running. Before the isolating. Before everything. And you wish will all that remains of you that you can go back to how it was. And then you see a message saying "imagine lying to your mom abt being sick," and you sit and think you wish something like that happens again. You wish you could return to the time when you told your mom you were sick just so you don't go to school and she believes you. Maybe that's payback to all the lying. Like the boy who cried wolf. You lied about being sick too many times, and now when you are sick and you feel like you're being shredded to pieces each second of each day, no one believes you anymore. And then you try to make a joke by replying to the message. But then your fingers don't stop, and you keep writing and writing until you don't know even how you gut there and don't know whether you should press send. You think you shouldn't. That's the logical part of you. But the remains of your heart, the thing you once thought destroyed, stop you whispers in your ears saying "maybe just maybe," but then you fight it back, saying it's already too late. What can they possibly do. Your shattered heart argues back by saying that you won't lose anything if you just tried. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. But you argue back by saying that they'll think you're overreacting they'll think you're pathetic, and they'll think that you're just looking for attention. And you look back at the message and laugh to yourself. You really want to cry, but you don't even remember how. You see that the message you wrote is corny and stupid. You think that you should just delete it and never think about it again. Use it to reconstruct the mask again. Hide your shattered pieces behind it. You remember the times you almost did it. You almost got freed. But you got scared. You got scared about what would happen after. And now all you wish for is that killing yourself wouldn't get you to hell.

Everyone in my school hates me now, I started this new school and I ended up dating this girls ex and I ended up causing half the school to hate me, now I get bullied over and over again by people and all my friends keep going to other schools, not only that but my depression is coming back and I feel like I can't talk to anybody because nobody wants to listen.

My parents won't get me a therapist when I know I need one. I'm unable to get diagnosed with anything because I'm too young and it's always just "hormones" ugh I wish someone would just listen to me

I don't plan on being around much longer, I don't see the point of it, I'm so tired of everything, the bullying, the mood swings, I've had this idea in my head for ages now, one where I don't wanna be here anymore, I've tried before, multiple times and it's never worked, I just want it to work or for me to get better, I don't know what to do but I'm so tired of being here.

I’m 18, I’m a guy, and I have no damn clue what I’m doing after this. People keep asking me about my “goals for the future” like I’m supposed to pull out a clean little answer from my pocket. I dont have one. I don’t know what to study, because every subject feels like a trap. Pick tech? Cool, AI is eating that. Pick art? AI is eating that too. Pick writing, design, coding, business, anything creative, anything office-related? Same story. I know people say, “AI won’t replace everyone,” and maybe they’re right, but it still feels stupid to plan my whole life around jobs that might not even exist in a few years.

I also don’t know if I want a family. Sometimes I think having someone and maybe kids could be nice, like there’s a real point to all this boring grinding. Other times I look at adults around me and think, wow, alot of you look tired as hell. I’ve seen couples who love each other but barely talk because bills, work, stress, and life turned them into roommates. I’ve seen parents who clearly care about their kids but also look like they want to vanish for a week. I’m not judging them. Life is hard, and people do their best. But when someone asks me if I want that future, I don’t know what to say. I can’t even decide what to eat half the time, and I’m supposed to know if I want to raise a whole human?

The thing is, I’m not lazy, at least I don’t think I am. I’ve worked small jobs, helped family, tried to be useful, tried to make plans. I had teachers tell me I was smart, and I had others look at me like I was already wasting my life. My freinds seem to be moving in some direction, even if they’re faking it. One wants to study engineering, one wants money, one wants to move away, one just wants peace. I want peace too, but peace isn’t a career. I want to beleive there’s something I’ll find and care about, but right now it feels like everyone is just pretending certainty is normal. Maybe confidence is just a costume people wear so nobody notices they’re scared.

I guess my “goal” is to not completely screw myself over, wich is not exactly inspiring. I want to stay healthy, not become bitter, not waste every day scrolling, not end up stuck in some miserable enviroment where I hate waking up. I want to learn something useful, even if I don’t know what that is yet. I want to meet people who aren’t fake, maybe love someone, maybe not, maybe have kids, maybe never. I don’t have a neat answer, and maybe that’s fine, but it still feels like shit when everyone acts like I should. So what are you supposed to do at 18 when the future looks open, but also kind of empty? Maybe I’ll figure it out definately, maybe I won’t, but I’m tired of acting like being lost means I’m broken;

[tw..? - sh, suicide, weight concerns, etc.]

idk how to preface this, honestly, but i've recently been struggling with light sh, bad body image, and a major fallout between me and a friend thats left me basically all alone.

for some background information, i'm 15, im in my second semester of freshman year, and in a all-girls-christian-catholic school widely dominated by straight MAGA girls (as a transmasc myself).

ive decided to group all my stories into one, so if you'd like to respond to a specific one over all of them, they'll just be numbered 1-3.

1) i have a track record of generally suicidal thoughts and ideas of harming myself. these have been going on for around two years, but i've never actually acted on it besides for two summers ago and now. i've began to (lightly?) cut on my hips. i've broken the skin but its never scarred. i find my story somewhat "invalid" due to the lack of any permanent marks over the years ive thought of this. i feel increasingly more guilty for doing this, but i find it an easy way to let go of the stress i have and any other thoughts despite it not being an addiction.

2) ive always known i'm somewhat bigger than most of my peers, atleast through my eyes. from fifth grade to now, my thoughts have always been plauged with the idea of being seen as "the fat friend", due to my height and weight (5'10, 153 pounds but ive recently dropped to 134 due to intermittent fasting). all of my friends constantly try to reassure me that i'm not overweight, but i cannot believe them due to the amount of fat on my lower stomach and thighs. i don't know how to stop this self-conciousness, even if ive tried to cope with it through larger clothes or staying inside whenever i can.

3) i text one person outside of school. yes, i speak to people in school, but after 3pm i have no one to speak to until the next school day. this friend has apparently been manipulating/emotionally abusing me (through other people's words, not mine), yet i struggle to get away from them. i'm terrified of falling out of touch due to sharing my identity and struggles with them, and they are HEAVILY suicidal which makes the fear doubled. ive struggled with the lack of communication we've had lately, and the break we've established (2 weeks). i have told my father that i feel increasingly lonely, and he's told me it's my fault for not branching out and speaking to other people. i am a person who's naturally introverted and awkward, and i assume i have some sort of undiagnosed social anxiety. i also struggle with social cues such as saying too little or too much, not knowing what people mean by words or body language, and what to do in most situations. he knows this about me but still insists i reach out (which i've tried to do), and i really just don't know what to do about it.

all of these situations together have made me consider overdosing, shooting myself, or jumping (sometimes all at once and sometimes at different times), but i know that i honestly wouldn't. ive also thought about trying to cut deeper or finding different items to use. idk how to stop these thoughts, and i feel bad talking about them due to my father making a LOT of money. i also refuse to speak to an adult due to the knowledge that i cannot share too much without being sent to a mental hospital.

I'm someone who cares a lot about others and I'm kind and caring and love to have fun with others but I don't get why my best friend who is more quiet than me is more popular and has more friends. When we first met she was very shy and I was one of her first friends and we were in the same friend group. Then our friend group fell apart but I was still friends with her. In high school for some reason everyone wanted to be friends with her and every time I stood next to her and other girls came over they would be so excited to see her and give her hugs. I always felt kind of excluded as I watched them like hang out and talk and I would just be there and try to join the convo but I couldn't and people always went out during lunch and would leave me there and stuff. But I never did anything wrong? And she also tells me about how she doesn't like all these people but then I see her being friendly with them and laughing and talking, going to classes together so it's hard to believe what she says. I don't get how she has so many more friends. I don't think she's necessarily better than me in anyway like we're pretty equal in terms of grade, athletics, looks, height, etc. A lot of guys like her but she's isn't even grateful like if someone confessed to me I would be over the moon. She has no empathy for me when I like a guy who doesn't like me back. But she's like my only close friend who knows about personal stuff.

Something else is that since I don't have that many girl friends, I sometimes talk to guys online. But I guess that builds a bad reputation for me. But it's not even like we're actually friends it's more like I'm not afraid to ask guys what we did in class if I missed it and I know I can count on them to reply on time. I'm not one of those attention seeking people but also I don't get why guys don't even want to talk to me sometimes. Like I really can't figure it out because I always spend a lot of time on people and I try to show kindness and help them out but I guess they just don't like me.

When my friends like a guy, I step away from them even if I also secretly kind of liked them, but then when I like a guy and they get jealous because they like same guy they literally get mad at me and give me the silent treatment, but I can't help it?

Also when I get hated on for looking too mean (rbf) no one defends me not even my best friend.

When she was asked about a guy I used to like she doesn't even help me hide it she just says yeah even though she knew I didn't want anyone to know.

The one time I didn't tell her something about a competition I was going to, she got really mad at me and then later on even carelessly told other people about it.

I wanted to change schools for a new beginning but my parents didn't let me. I actually have no real friends I can rely on at this point.

told my parents about one of my friends who im nervous about along with the rest of the people in our friend group. friend 2 and I are too skeptical to report the issue with friend 1 due to things we've shared with her, like s.h, assumably some deep feelings, etc. to make things worse, friend 1 has a debatably obsessive crush on me, and i feel guilty as i cannot feel the way back (due to being cupioromantic and asexual).

i have a friend who suddenly became really close with me. like, we're both to the point where we're both intensely codependent on the other. shes told me multiple times that im the only reason she's alive, she wants to help me, etc. but i can't just get myself to tell her anything. this whole thing has backfired because we argue so often and i end up apologizing like a little coward, but yesterday i finally broke and just yelled at her. cried, fought, got angry, the big schebang ykyk. i check her accounts on pinterest because vent accts are very popular nowadays, and the messages consist of "it was inevitable"/"I'm setting a [end it] date"/"you couldn't've stopped this." i dont know what to do because im scared of staying, i know she's manipulating me in some way, but i cant experience the same guilt i did when i was younger.

so, i've been pondering this question quite a bit lately: is college really better than high school? i mean, on paper, it sure sounds like it should be, right? we're talking more freedom, no one chasing you around for homework like some kind of school inspector, and the alleged opportunity to "find yourself." yet here i am, stuck in this never-ending loop of desolation and ennui, trying to untangle the mythical benefits of this so-called higher education. i feel like a ghost in the halls, surrounded by people yet impossibly alone. in high school, there wasn't this gaping void; at least the structure forced some semblance of interaction, like it or not. now? it's all tumbleweeds and solitude, with meandering thoughts like, "gee, was that all there was to it?"

you know how they say "college is the best time of your life"? well, i'm gonna have to call BS on that; perhaps it's the overly romanticized sitcom version they were referring to. the reality, for me, has been a swirling mess of self-doubt and social isolation. there's this massive chasm between expectation and reality when it comes to college life. i enrolled half-expecting to transform into some confident, self-assured version of myself, but the truth is, i'm still that awkward, socially-inept kid from high school, minus the safety net of familiar faces. plus, everyone here seems to have their own cliques and established groups, and i can't help but feel like a piece of jigsaw puzzle that's been thrown into the wrong box. i spend a good chunk of my day thinking, "am i the only one feeling this way?" the profs might be ace and the coursework fascinating, yet none of that offers solace when every social interaction feels like a herculean task.

in my experience, college's much-touted independence is a double-edged sword. sure, no one's monitoring my every move, but with that freedom comes an overwhelming sense of being adrift. navigating academics without guidance feels like trying to steer a boat without a rudder, especially when you don't have a crew to consult with. i ain't saying high school was a walk in the park; it definitely had its moments, what with the relentless drama and all the usual teenage angst. yet, at least there, the chaos was familiar, dependable in a weird way. maybe i'm romanticizing it too much, but high school had a simplicity that college seems to lack. are my expectations skewed, or is this just another case of the grass always being greener? either way, i've got one foot in a constant state of nostalgia while the other fumbles for a foothold in this daunting, adult landscape.

My school has started, but it's online. I'm in 9th now. And right now, why not expect this? Everyone acts so serious about their careers, but you know what's funny? They don't care by 10th. Why is my family treating this like this is good for my career, when I'm only 14? Not that they're super adamant about it, but fuck 'em. I'm tired of being nice or kind or accommodating. Where has it gotten me? Tired, alone, friendless, and fucking losing my shit every 5 seconds now with people's BS. I wanna drink a beer, but I'm too young and it tastes bad. Remember my MEFCC post? That's all in the fucking past! Fuck! It's postponed to September, but hey, I didn't book any tickets. I didn't commit, so I can just NOT GO to be normal. To be an adult. I wanted to so badly be accepted, with people like me, but growing up is realizing life will never go your way and the only person with you is you. I hated this, but now, I'm just sleepy, this means I've accepted this truth. There is already too much going on. My school is online, Dubai is getting bombed by Iran, MEFCC got postponed, my exams are on June, I'm with the same class who excluded me, and everyday, I am convinced kindness hasn't gotten me anywhere. Fuck! I gave up the dream. It was a dream after all. The dream to have a good time at school, to have fun in an event with folks like me, to try again in exams and succeed in it, to dress up and have fun, to just be. But it's a dream, I've accepted it. I've come to terms with the fact that everything is pointless until it is perfect. By that logic, I'm worthless. I wouldn't care if I passed or failed exams, or if I went or not, I wouldn't even care. When you fail once, the best thing is to give up. It's easy. Adults live life easy. Don't try to reach godhood when you're mortal. Don't try to aim for niche or freelancing when you're the only scummy, sick scoundrel doing it. I am a fucking cunty scoundrel.

im 17 and a guy and honestly i dont like myself at all. not in the fake sad way people post for attention either, i mean i legit look at myself and feel pissed off. every morning before school i already feel annoyed cause i know its gonna be the same stupid day again. i wake up tired, stare at my face in the mirror, and it just starts there. my hair never sits right, my skin looks like crap, my eyes always look dead, and even when i try to fix it i still look like some awkward dumbass who got dressed in the dark. then i go to school and it gets worse cause i feel weird around everybody. dudes in my class joke around like its easy, they know how to talk, how to be loud, how to not care. i stand there thinking too much about where to put my hands like some idiot. teachers talk to me like im either lazy or broken, maybe both. i got this math teacher who always says “you need to apply yourself” and i swear i wanna tell him to shut up cause maybe i would if i didnt feel like garbage every second. last week he asked me to solve something on the board and i just froze. like full blank brain. people laughed, not even loud, that worse quiet laugh where they look at each other. i went back to my seat feeling hot in the face and trying not to look like i cared, but i did care, a lot. thats the thing. everything gets stuck in my head for hours. one dumb moment and i keep replaying it all day like my brain is trying to beat the crap out of me. you ever hate yourself so much that even normal stuff feels personal. like somebody bump into you in the hall and suddenly you feel like yeah of course, even the hallway knows im a loser.

school is hell mostly because i cant stop comparing myself to everybody and i always lose. there this one dude in my grade, not even trying hard, gets good marks, girls talk to him, teachers like him, and im sitting there with a half dead pen and a backpack full of crumpled papers smelling like old lunch. i tried to do better this year, i really did. bought a notebook, made a schedule, told myself “stop being a useless piece of crap and fix it.” lasted maybe 4 days. then i missed one homework, then two, then i stopped opening the school app cause i didnt wanna see more missing work. my mom keeps asking why im “so moody” and i say im just tired, but really i dont even know how to explain this without sounding pathetic. its like i got no solid version of myself. at school im too quiet so people think im stuck up or weird. at home im angry for no reason and slam doors then feel like trash after. one time in english class we had to read our writing out loud and mine was about some random movie cause i didnt wanna say anything real. this girl behind me whispered “he always sounds like hes about to cry” and bro, that messed me up way more then it should of. i laughed like i didnt hear it, but i heard every damn word. after class i went to the bathroom and just stood in a stall doing nothing cause i knew if i looked at my face id wanna punch the mirror. i dont even have some huge tragic backstory, thats what makes me feel more stupid. nobody beat me up, nobody ruined my whole life, im just me and i cant stand me. my voice sounds annoying, my body feels wrong, my thoughts are ugly, and im sick of pretending im gonna magically become one of those chill people who just “gain confidence.” how. seriously how? people say be yourself like thats some good advice, but what if yourself is the exact problem 😒

and yeah i know some people got it worse, i know that already, so dont start with that crap. knowing other people suffer dont suddenly make me like my own face or fix the knot in my chest every time i walk into class. i hate how insecure i am. i hate how i can remember one embarassing thing from 3 years ago more clearly then anything useful for a test. i hate that i want people to like me while also wanting everybody to leave me the hell alone. my friends, if i can even call them that, make jokes and i laugh along, but half the time i go home wondering if they actually think im annoying. probably. i talk too little until i talk too much, then i replay that too. a few days ago at lunch i dropped my drink all over the floor, and it wasnt even some giant scene, but i felt my stomach drop like i wanted to disappear. i mumbled sorry to the lunch lady and she was nice about it, which somehow made it worse. when people are nice to me i dont feel better, i feel exposed, like they can tell im barely holding my crap together. i keep thinking maybe if i got better grades, or looked better, or was funnier, or stronger, or less weird, then maybe i wouldnt hate myself this much. but then i also think maybe im just built wrong from the start. thats the ugly truth. i dont like being me. not my head, not my habits, not the way i fold under pressure, not the way i act tough and then go home and overthink every stupid thing. and the worst part is i still gotta wake up tomorrow and drag this same self back to school again like im forced to carry around a person i cant stand. so yeah, thats it. i don't like myself. does anybody else feel that nasty kind of hate where you cant even escape it cause its literally your own damn head every single day.

I genuinely just don't care anymore about school. I've tried to tell myself that it's so important and that I have to do these things to get into a good college to live a good life but right now I'm sitting and writing this post instead of studying for an important presentation that's tomorrow. Part of me is telling myself that I should work on it, that I should do it, but my heart's just not in it. I don't have any motivation to do this, nothing helps at all. I've tried studying with my friends but honestly it just doesn't work out. I always end up doing something random or doomscrolling. I don't know what to do anymore. Why am I feeling like this?? How do I get motivation???

Before I start talking abt this rando shit lol. If at any point u think it’s too much or anything just stop or don’t read this.

Anyways so yeah.. I mean I can’t stop thinking about her, I mean they’re literally everything I’m not and I don’t even know if their even straight (they are a girl but idk their pronouns so I’ll use they/them, just so y’all know).

And Ik it seems kinda normal but it’s true. I mean they’re so pretty and kind and just yk yeah. Meanwhile what am I? Like sure ig you could say I’m pretty but I doubt it. Their skinny and I’ve gained 6 pounds and Ik it’s just 6 pounds but that sets me back 6 pounds and it means I look ugly. I feel ugly. And no matter how much I try, how much I want, I crave. To go back to my old ways. People always stop me. I don’t want them to tho. I mean me liking girls is already a enough failure and me being overweight adds on to it and idfc how I lose it.

Sorry for going so off topic, I just meant that they would never love someone like me, I mean I sure wouldn’t. Like I don’t know how to explain it, there’s just a unspoken tension between us but I think I’m just way over my head and again. Who will love someone like me?

sorry for the long vent. Sorry if I wasted ur time at all but ig that’s it, I don’t rlly have any questions but if u do please comment it and I will respond when I see ur comment.

Hope it wasn’t too much, anyways good morning, good afternoon, and good night. Till next time

I feel like i’m missing out on the college experience and idk what to do.

for context: I (18F) am a relatively high-achieving student that was sent to a smaller, lower-ranking university in a more conservative part of the state. I got an extremely good scholarship offer (B/MD program if u were wondering). immediately, I was torn about coming here. My hometown is right next to a larger, better school and all my friends were in this area + I loved my home city and the community. I was heavily pressured by my parents (yelled at multiple times and threatened to not help pay for my college) to attend this smaller school. it was still ultimately “my decision” for the reasons that 1) I would get the experience of living on my own 2) again scholarship is not offered anywhere else.

I can’t help but feel like it was a mistake. Ik i’m here mostly to focus on school and my career but it’s so lonely. I was also goaded into getting a single room so I have no roommate. I did make friends (more like acquaintances) but none of them ever have time outside of class to talk or hang out because they’re either working or doing something else. it’s even worse because it seems like everyone is able to find medical jobs but I can’t? I’m literally the only one in my scholarship cohort that does not work a clinical job but i’ve tried numerous times and every time I was turned down by some bullshit specification post-interview that the application didn’t list in the requirements (eg “they only accept night shifts right now” when nowhere in the application did they say night shift only).

I feel like a failure. It’s basically been 25% of my college years and i’ve done nothing. I have a 4.0 but all I do is stay in my dorm and watch youtube or instagram reels. I can’t even find energy for my hobbies or what I enjoyed doing before.

I see stories or posts of my friends at other, more traditional “college experience” schools and I just feel more miserable. They have fun, hang out with people, actually have a community and stimulating classes. i’m just sad and friend-starved and understimulated. When expressing this to my parents all I get is “it’s just 4 years, it’ll be over fast.”

It makes me want to scream and rip my hair out. these are the most free, formative years of young adulthood and they treat my situation as if my depression is a worthy sacrifice for the future they want/expect of me. oh it’s just four years it’s no big deal. who cares if you’re miserable, this is so you can get into med school. like thanks dude, that really helps.

wtf do I do. I acknowledge that some of this is definitely my fault. I have a tendency to be distant to people and struggle to maintain consistent friendships. I’m trying to actively rectify this but it’s hard, it doesn’t help that i’m ADHD + anxiety. When I do work up the courage to ask people to hang outside of class they never have the time. Plus, I haven’t found people i’ve truly “clicked” with yet. A lot of my friends share the premed track but in terms of intellectual and cultural interests, we don’t share a lot in common. I like having friends who are politically active with opinions about media and culture that I can bounce ideas around with, but none of them seem keen on that and I don’t want to talk to a wall, yknow?

Any advice would help. I have scheduled an appointment with the school counselor but I am still waiting on that.

I’m loosing friends left and right. I don’t know why but it’s making me feel like shit. I’m 16 years old but I need to get out of this house. Out of this town. Out of this state. My mom is suffocating me with responsibilities; maintain a good social life, but you can’t have friends if you’re failing a class. Keep good grades, but 80’s aren’t good enough for us. Take care of yourself, except for when we need you to do something. Follow all of the rules, but when you make a mistake it’s the end of the world.

they aren’t letting me grow up. I feel like I’m choking and I can’t escape. There is no escape. Emancipation is out of the question.

everybody hates me here too.

One friend group is excluding me rather than finding a compromise, and another has just ghosted me. I don’t know if I have any real friends left. I break my back and a half for them and all they say is “we want more!” And when I can’t provide, I’m thrown away. There’s nobody else here I can talk to. I don’t want therapy. It makes me feel gross.

I can’t make friends with the people here because they either can’t function in society or they already hate me.

I can’t escape

I don’t want to kms. I want to leave.

find new people. Get out of this hell hole.

I feel like throwing up all the time.

i try my best not to sh cuz i made a promise.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to run away but I do. And I don’t, but I do. every time I open my mouth I’m annoying.