School Stories

Robbie (he/him) again! I'm really just rambling.

I've really been struggling with the subject IT lately. Or rather I've always struggled with it. When i started taking the subject last year i was heavily depressed, and remained depressed throughout the year. As a result I didnt learn much in this new subject and the teacher even had issues with me since I had handed in a really bad quality the end of year Practical assignment. I handed in such bad assignments and didnt do the work in class, and couldnt focus in class, nor study for tests due to the depression i had and the like, super traumatising chronic stress inducinng "friendship" i had all year. Like I either didnt care or didnt have the time to study or learn when i did care. And that situation continued until early this year, but after ending that friendship life has been so much better for me. BUt like academically it's hard to catch up on a year of not learning the work. ANd so my marks have been fluctuating heavily in IT ever since, One term it's 80% and 50%, another it's 40% and 50%. Middle of this year my teacher even thought i'd been cheating on a test, because my marks went up with like 20%. The teacher really freaked me out with that whole ordeal and I know it really got me demotivated about the subject for the whole next term.

Like for a subject where I have to code, the code really doesn't stick in my head for long. So I kinda have to study all the time right before a test, so I can achieve 70-80%. And generally speaking I've kinda had a slump recently, A bit of a depressive episode, and I can't find the motivation to do IT work. And over the last few months we've had do our end of year practical assignment, and I genuinely wanted to not at all repeat last year's issues about it where my teacher sent me my PAT back asking me to improve it (nice of him but freaked me out).

So I wanted to work on it from the get go, and as time passed i realised I just never worked on it, but when friends asked and my family asked I'd reverted to lying that I'd done this that and the other recently, or that my PAT included whatever code. So i've had a thorough idea of my project since the get go just never the actual project. ANd like this is better than last year at least since i know what i have to do for the project, I know im capable, and I know i have the time. But time passes, I'm kinda depressed and all of a sudden we have to hand in the written part of the project, and i had nothing, so I wrote something in one day. It wasnt great but it was pretty damn substantial. Like an okay grade, and very much a passing grade. And i felt okay enough about it, nevermind the procrastination. And i resolved to do the code aspect throughout the next week so I could hand it in in time. And no matter how much I thought about it, no matter if i had everything next to me I'd need, no matter if i had the resolve, I just didnt code it, And then didnt hand anything in. And that was the Friday before last. And over this past week Ive been meaning to code it and I've been lying to friends that I couldnt hand it in because my house didnt have internet over the weekend (over said weekend I did actually turn off wifi on all my devices to make that lie believable). And then someone actually broke my phone this last Monday so if I had the project done i couldnt hand it in anyways, because I needed my phone for access to Teams. So eventually on Wednesday, I'd messaged my teacher telling him I'm sorry for the delays in handing in my project and I'd lied to saying the no wifi thing, and id added the truth that I now couldnt hand it in because of the phone breaking, and id added the truth that i emailed the school's techs to help me gain access to Teams again. And then I turned uninstalled the app my teacher would need to contact me again (it's exams now so I didnt actually need to go to school after wednesday this week), and I resolved to code my project on Wednesday. And then I didn't again, ad again and now it's sunday and I havent coded it yet. And I literally have not thought about anything else this last week, and yet i can't bring myself to code this thing i know im capable enough of coding.

I feel so scared of somehow being found out, or the teacher having even more against me, and im scared of the school reprimanding me since i dont know if i could handle my parents knowing I've lied ect ect. And i kinda have just been feeling absolutely terrible about myself this last week because of this. It's not that i dont want to do this, or that i'm doing more fun things instead, or that i dont care, I'm just so scared about this subject in general because of everything regarding how I feel very behind in IT, and I'm scared of my teacher since he thought I was cheating, and I'm scared my parents will know, and I'm scared my friends will know, I'm scared of my loved ones finding out just how much i lie. I've been thinking recently that I might have become a compulsive liar over the last few years where I generally hide my mental health issues from everyone, and then later how i hid was essentially being emotionally abused for a year and a half by my "best friend".

Oh, i dont what to do at all. I even had a nightmare where I was horribly scared the entire time, and i realized the nightmare was because i spent the whole week scared before the nightmare, the emotion went into my dreams even.

Thank you all for reading, I really appreciate it.

Recently today I was caught using my phone on an exam and of course my teacher scolded me but left me with a warning and I didn’t study for this so I just want to ask what methods do u recommend on this platform as my finals are in another 5 months and I do not want to repeat this mistake again I do hope you all can help me

I still feel like Im the odd one out at college even though I've been there for 5 weeks now. I also hate college.

I feel so alone and I hate my life .

I was talking to someone from my old school on Monday and she said how was college going and I said it was going ok but only when the tutors are thire and she also said I seamed a lot happier. But I'm not any happier at college because I'm always having to fill out from about myself that they should all ready have.

im in those moments where I'm trying to sleep and suddenly a very embarrassing thought from the past surgers from hell to torment me, so i decided to write

when i was in highschool, an old friend of mine got in the same class as me. her cousin was also there. he was very quiet and lonely, quite like me. i started asking this friend about him, claiming i was very INTERESTED in him

for the record, i am autistic asf and barely know how to interact with people. or communicate. when i said i was "interested" in him, i meant that i found him interesting and wanted to befriend him, that we could be alike. she 100% assumed i wanted to date him.

i managed to make it worse somehow. since starting a conversation isn't my biggest ability, i started to leave candy on his desk. yeah. romantic right? well, silly little me DID NOT know it was romantic, and didn't mean it that way. giving little treats was something that i did and still do when i want to get close to someone. but yeah, everyone saw the gifts and thought i was REALLY into him.

was the guy pretty, at least? yeah he was. he was quite a pretty guy, almost girlish pretty, i gotta admit. and unfortunately i did admit it to my friend when asked about him. "compared to the other guys here, he looks really good". i kept digging myself further.

it wasn't until near the end of the year when i realized what I've done. everything i was doing led to people thinking i was head over heels for the guy. sometimes when i looked around, he was already staring at me. i suck at eye contact so i just looked for a second and then looked away, like a highschool love story except one of them did not realize it was one.

well, the year ended thankfully. we graduated and never saw each other again. yeah, I haven't seen either the guy or that friend in a while. and tbh, now that i sink into this embarrassment, i don't think i want to! (good thing I'm a total shut in now...)

i assume(and hope) that the guy did not develop any feelings for me. in fact, im afraid he got weirded out at most because, damn, i would be scared of me if i was in his place. hope he's doing good now.

no "confessions" happened, my friend didn't make fun of me for too long... it's just the horrible feeling of embarrassment that decided to torment me at night. i pray none of them remember my existence. bedtime now folks, thanks for reading!

Im going insane. Im losing my mind. I am over complicating everything. My head is full of all these negative hateful awful feelings about people in my life and i know that its my brain projecting stress and irritation onto them and they havent done anything. I know that. Yet still my head is full of these awful thoughts and im just so upset. And i keep talking about it to people and i actually need to shut the fuck up because i am going to make everyone hate me because im talking about it too much. All the good things in my life are like drowning in little ittt bitty bad things. There are SO many good things in my life. So so many more happy exciting things. But then these little things that are upsetting me are just burrying those good things. But its all my fault everything is my fault. My problem. My actions. My ignorance. My choices. My procrastination. Everything is on me amd how my brain works and what im doing and saying or not doing. Im really really fucking tired.

It is currently 2:30 AM and i have an essay ahead of me that I am still yet to write. It's not because I forgot about it - it's all I have been thinking of this day, but for whatever reason, I'll get side-tracked any time I start doing it. It's almost like I am allergic to getting work done. I always make an effort to do it, but it's almost like I make a counter anti-effort in a burst of inspiration for literally anything else. I feel awful writing it, and wish to be doing something else, which is why I am always doing something else instead. I'm past the point of being mad over this, because this isn't a first occurrence, instead I'm making the calculations that.. yeah i'll get a maximum of 2 hours of sleep today. Headaches, here I come!

I study international relations at university, and every day I feel like I'm not smart enough, I feel stupid. It's hard for me to read and understand the material, it's hard for me to learn English (and after all these years of studying it, I still don't fully understand how to use different tenses, etc.), it's hard for me to gain the knowledge that I will need in the future. I can't read and memorize material, I have some kind of concentration problem I don't know, and any noise distracts me. I read the material, but it doesn't stick in my head. I don't know how to write reports properly, I use artificial intelligence and hate myself for it, I want to stop, but I don't know how, I was never taught this, and I don't know how to learn to write them myself. I don't have time for anything. The last time I allowed myself to really relax was in the summer, almost two months ago, because since September I've been completely immersed in my studies. I spend all my time studying, and even so, I get minimal results. I have a group of friends, and for the second year (because I've been studying here for two years), I feel like the dumbest one in our group. I always get lower grades. They have more knowledge, and they study for free because they scored high on the national test, while I failed it, and now my mom has to pay for my education, and I feel guilty about it because I let her down, since she is the only one who earns money. Today we had to pass a document (we had to translate excerpts from the UNESCO Constitution from English into our native language and vice versa). I prepared for this as best I could, considering the amount of other homework I had. I tried very hard, and I was so exhausted that for the last few days I started crying over anything, especially because of fatigue. I thought that I would pass this test today and be able to relax with peace of mind over the weekend, finally letting go a little. But I failed. 7/10, although I really hoped that the teacher would give me an 8,( I don't think I translated that badly). What also upset me was that he said in front of my classmates that he wouldn't give me an 8 because, frankly, I did much worse than Vika (my classmate who doesn't like me very much and we are like rivals). I was so ashamed, I begged him, humiliated myself, asking to retake the exam, take another test and translate, anything, just for an 8. But he said to try my luck next week, on Thursday, with the other part of my group. I left so upset because this had already happened in my first year — I got a 7 and had to retake the exam (I could have stayed with that grade, but I have a perfectionist syndrome kinda, partly because of my family, so I also spent my time then in hysterics over that grade). Then I saw that my friend had written in our friends' chat that she had gotten a 9/10. That broke me. I'm happy for her, really, I just don't understand why I can't be the same. I don't understand why I couldn't get the same satisfactory grade, why I'm doing something wrong, why I'm never good enough, why I always come across as stupid. And I'm sick of how they (my friends) try to convince me otherwise. When they always get everything right. Never once did they needed to retake the exam. And then they tell me that the grade doesn't describe me. I would say the same thing if I had such knowledge, such grades. I don't want to talk to them now, I start crying when I go into the chat and read how great my friend feels now after the exam and how good she feels, how everyone congratulates her on her good grade, when I spent the day crying and thinking why I couldn't do the same. Did I not study enough? I don't get enough sleep because of my studies, I'm not hanging out with my friends (on the internet, we usually got together to watch a movie) because I'm busy studying all day long. And now I not only have to be ashamed next Thursday and retake the exam, but also do piles of homework. There is really a lot of it, every single day, and even several pieces, and now I can't take the burden of this document off my shoulders. I am very tired, in fact, I want to rest, I want to sleep well, I want to enjoy my life, but I can't. I no longer believe that I can achieve anything in life, that this is for me and that I will be successful, I no longer believe in anything. And I don't want anything. I pray to God every day that he would just take me while I'm sleeping, or even not necessarily while I'm sleeping. I just can't take it anymore, and I don't understand how others do it, how they manage. And now, even now, I can't relax, I'm doing my homework, and on the weekend I'll be doing work for the institute. And we don't have vacation until January. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this.

me and my friend have been friends for years ever since I first met her we have been inseparable. Honestly it was amazing since all my friends before that had bullied or ghosted me. Now it has been years and I made another friend who is suffering abuse I support her but she ignores me and doesnt care about me or this friendship when a year ago we were close friends have I done somthing wrong now my old friend we were still inseparable I do so much for her I sat with her when she was incredibly sick I stould up for her we did most things together I made sure everything was good for her. And what she does in return I'm joking around she threatens me, she hits me a lot in painful ways it just well it was usually there when I got irritating but now her and my other friends have been hanging out without me lying about her being at the library which i respected and I just found out and she even once I didn't want to be friends with someone but didnt feel ready to say it I told her that she still told them. she not only calls me weird but also I view her as a sister at this point but shes cancelling playdates and ghosting me and when we talk she is usually in class. I just want my friends back she also sided with my old bully who gave me self harming thoughts years ago which I still feel sometimes over me

I've just started at college and met a lot of new people and made a few friends.

I also feel like I don't fit in / like I'm the odd one out .

by that what I mean is I spend all lunch and brake in a separate room to everyone else as I find the noise really overwhelming and overstimulating and generally struggle in noiey inviroments.

will I ever find e anywhere I truly fit in. I also have Adhd and Anxiety. 💛😔🫶

why do people insist on being so cruel??? i swear, it's like they see someone enjoying their life and doing what makes them happy, and BOOM!! suddenly, they become their personal target board. i'm 17 and have always been a fan of Pokémon. it's like my haven, a place i escape to when the real world gets too insane to handle. catching Pokémon on my phone or swapping cards with friends is my way of destressing, yet all i get is judgment and mockery from the "cool" crowd at school. they just can't seem to comprehend the joy it brings me, so they mock what they don't understand. frankly, it's exhausting.

is it that hard for people to mind their own business?? everyone is always yapping about how young people should be free to express themselves but then turn around and bash us for the very choices we make! it's incredulous, really! collecting Pokémon cards might not be their thing, but why rain on someone's happiness parade??? what's the point in belittling others for their harmless passions??? i just can't wrap my head around it. life is complicated enough without people making it even worse by tossing judgmental comments around like confetti. it seems they'd rather wear masks of scorn than a simple smile of acceptance.

but even so, i'll keep my head high and continue loving my Pokémon world! it's not going anywhere, and neither am i. at the end of the day, it's not their approval i'm seeking!!! if anything, their constant negativity has only made me more resilient... i'll have you know that i've got a Charizard that could burn all naysayers to ash if it were real! and who knows?? someday they might realize the importance of being open-minded and accept that happiness comes in varied forms. for now, i'll let their words roll off my back like water off a Psyduck and stay hopeful for a more understanding future.

I think I'm such a fool. I'm going through a weird phase in my life. My grades are bad, I'm so insecure about my weight and appearance. My friends are acting weird towards me. My mom fights with me every day. School is so boring. Nothing's fun! In 10 days, I'll be turning a certain age for girls, but I don't feel happy. What's wrong with me? I don't feel like I have the right to feel sad or bad. I should be grateful for the life I have, right? And I also can't stand caring about what other people think. What if I fail physics? I think those are just girl problems. I don't know how to feel better. I think reading would be good. Are there any good books for 15-year-olds? I have to go, but I hope I'm not the only one going through "problems."

so their is a boy in my year and I've tried to be nice to him but he hates me for a mistake I made years ago ( I think maybe 3) and he is rude and tosses me around, now I have had a weird feeling it feels like crying but I stop breathing and my heart goes way to fast he worked with a main bully lets call him Osman he made me think I was horrible

also sorry I wont use punctuation

he told me I was a failure

I'm a weak trusting person

so all over the years people have left me or bullied me. because I have little things of skill

I am male btw its important because im friends with some girls all my male friends left so now people say I'm trans ( which is fine btw its just my school is homophobic) so I change my personality a lot too fit others but I'm still hated

and so everyone hates me bc I'm weird

so the bully Osman he comes gets a major which is the biggest problem 3 = expulsore basically

'so I remove that now he's nice to me but the other bully isn't he tosses my books around hurts me and its fine I tell a trusted adult

who is kind now today

the bully and osman I accidently sent his birthday invite to the year bellow us and that was a mistake I didn't mean it he didn't he attacked me and I ran of my friends ran to me saying they were hunting me down they had snithced to the trusted kind adult who new the bully was bullying me

Osman who after a year were friends with me betrayed me

and the teacher told me I did stuff wrong and to rub salt in the wound after knowing

the bully had

- nearly tossed my chromebook out the window which would have cost me to pay the school 700

- attacked me for years

- bullied me for years

- made me have self loathing for years

she called him a nice boy

I feel as if my artistic vibe and energy is going, for drawing? I'm focusing on a doll, but I don't even draw a bit now. I only drew for school projects, a friend, and now for a poster, but not personal reasons like earlier, and I'm working on a doll of mine. What's happening? And for 3 months earlier I stopped drawing at all, and rarely did it, so what's happening? Am I losing my ability? Am I losing interest in the one thing I was good at? Am I gonna end up like my dad who's jaded with art and now he's into speakers and more on work? Is my imagination gonna go away, just like dad says his went away? Am I just gonna become as jaded as an adult, and not like anything creative? I'm only creating a doll! It's not drawing, it's just a doll! With eye's I made which look weird! If I had UV resin, a silicone mold, and decal pupils, it would've ended up better, but I used clay and paint, and it looks so weird. Man, I'm not even good at the new thing. And when I sealed her face paint with liquid glue because I didn't have varnish, it looked fine, but near her mouth she had open spaces and it looked like pimple scarring...it was a plastic doll from the stores, since I can't find even the doll the main artists use in my area (Monster High) and when I do it's too expensive, and the head was some material (vinyl). Maybe I'll just ditch the doll and become an adult with 0 imagination. I may be doing the wig, but it's trash. I don't even have all the hair colors. Isn't growing up just realizing that these hobbies won't help you in the future, and that no adult does art. No serious adult does that, they do taxes, work 9-7 (where I live), hunch their backs, binge coffee, reminisce about their wasted life, marry their spouse out of obligation and same with kids, drink beer, smoke, work on a computer job, argue. I guess in India Out 2, Joy is right, she's right when she says, "I guess when you grow up, you feel less joy." Heck, even my dad's only hobby is speakers, but even then he says he lost interest in his art and just focused on work. And all I see him is slog, have neck pain and shoulder pain and, drink coffee, yell with colleagues, and sleep. And if this is adult joy, I won't hesitate to kill myself at 18, because we all have the same ending, death. I'm just saying, suicide is justified, don't we all die at some point? And if you have any ideas, wanna help me smoothly do it so at least it doesn't hurt?

Im about to graduate highschool and so of course I constantly get asked "what are you doing to do next". And somehow i manage to talk about my future in a way that I even start to believe i have it figured out. But as soon as the conversation ends I realize that i really dont have my shit together. I thought I had it all planned out, ill get an apprenticeship, go to college for the course ill need to move up in my field, make better money, and all will be good. But as much as I talk about it i cant figure out where to start, I know what i should do but i dont know how to do it, i get stuck in a loop of thinking I know what im doing and then have it hit me that i have no clue where i am. Im not stupid, i can do well in school, infact ive been keeping my grades high 80s and 90s but my last year was rough and its going to make it hard for me to get into a good school with those stains on my transcript, I dont know how to start but i know i have too soon. If i can get this figured out eventually im going to make a book to tell people what to expect, because i can only wish i had a book to guide me through all of this now. I will figure it out, even though i feel like i cant right now. I just wish i was actually as organized as i make people believe i am.

Me and my friend (nickname Poppy) were very close friends but she started saying mean things. we were in the same dance class together and I approached her. I tried talking until she told me to shut up. so i did. i left the dance class and she didn't even notice. when my mum picked me up, i told her everything. she said how i should ignore her, but i'm not very good at that. especially since we were eachothers bffs and only sat with eachother so i felt bad. Eventually I had to go to her birthday party. that was the final straw. I walked in and her friend showed mugs of me that she was sent by "Poppy". I secretley texted my dad to come and pick me up. My girlfriend was also coming and Poppy wanted us to play spin the bottle. She said whoever it was we had to kiss them. I didn't feel comfortable kissing someone who wasn't my girlfriend, especially seeing as she wasn't there because she couldn't make it but her cousin was there.