School Stories

ok so basically i have this friend lets call her Elsie and we have been friends for 7 years and in drama we were partners and she also does acting classes outside of school and she thinks that she knows better when she doesn’t and she is bringing the stuff she learnt from her acting classes into drama at school and its ruining our friendship and our friendship group. So basically one of Elsie and I’s school building burnt down so we are having online school and we just had a drama call and she went behind my back and said to our teacher she wanted to be with somebody new and we have been over it before a couple of days ago where she started berating me in public and not only was our friend with us but also two girls from our drama class who aren’t our friends and when i told her to stop she didn’t and just said and i quote “these are your consequences, so deal with them when it wasn’t even my fault because the original group we were with weren’t at school most of the time and only showed up to one lesson so miss told us to just do a scene us to from midsummers night dream, and she was all moody about it that whole lesson at me i might add for something that wasn’t my fault. And i explained my feelings about the interaction and i said it politely and nicely i said and i quote “Hey elsie I am sorta mad and upset about what happened today it was also embarrassing and humiliating can u pls not do it next time” and she responded with excuses and i will quote what she said as a reply “I get that today was embarrassing for you. I just wanted to say that certain situations in class really impact me and stress me out.” I then proceeded to call her and she didn’t pick up and was sorta avoiding me she then responded to my calls over text and the text said “And rn calls stress out a lot” i then replied with “ Sorry I didn't mean to bombard u it was embarrassing and I can't choose anyone else because nobody would want me so u are the only safe option for me” i then responded with “ I do love working with you but it requires a lot of my mental health and Because under too much stress I can faint actually due to my cptsd freeze mode“ then today after i explained my feelings she goes and tells miss she wants to change groups and be with a new person. And i get i can’t stop her but it hurt and i complain to my friend who’s next to me and she takes my side. but when i message my group chat and tell them my other friend Kate takes Elsie’s side and reply’s to my ranting/venting with this long as paragraph about how i am in the wrong and she says “ look, I’m considering both your perspectives and I understand but the remaining factor is that Elsie feels that it’s time to change partners, and have you considered that she may be moody because you were treating her like your only “safe” option (basically undermining her) and that if she wants to work with someone else, it is not your right to be upset at her for that because it is her decision you have to respect at the end of the day. Telling her to stay with you because no one else would pick you is the wrong way to go about this whole thing because I know it makes Elsie feel less important and Elsie told me that friendships shouldn’t be involved in school work and I agree with her because that’s what started this whole thing in the first place. If you’re upset at her for being moody while you guys were partners, then why are you still insisting on staying together? She has been considering your feelings and I get that this is hard for you but it’s your turn to consider hers. i just don’t understand if you’re so annoyed at her acting like that why would you want her as a partner anyway.” And i haven’t responded cause i am still pissed off and really hurt because i have considered her feelings and i have talked about my feelings and they haven’t considered how i am feeling and why i am so hurt. Like if i was in Elsie’s spot i would have done it for her and stayed with her because if i wanted to work with someone else i would understand why she would want to be with me and i wouldn’t let her work alone or with someone else who she doesn’t know and it feels like she doesn’t care about my feelings or perspective and kate clearly isn’t seeing both perspectives and I am genuinely confused about how i am undermining my friend and i am so done cause this isn’t the first time Elsie’s got mad at me for no reason.

okay so im an immigrant and i emigrated to Ireland. I have an Irish friend and me and my other friend, who's half Dutch, were talking about the racism that immigrants have to deal with. then my Irish friend comes up to us and starts annoying us while we were in the middle of a deep talk. when we tell her to stop, she says to just continue our conversation, except she will join in. I was already really ticked off and I got really angry so I told her that she wouldnt understand because shes not like me and my other friend (i know that sounds really bad, but we made up after that). after that, she walked away and started writing in her notebook. (she didnt know that we were talking about racism and immigrants dealing with racism btw) so then I went up to her and I told her that it sounded really bad out of context and that I didnt mean it. she wrote 'you did' in her notebook. then she started walking back to where me and my other friend were sitting and I followed her. she started saying about how she did understand bc her mom left her when she was 4. then she sat down with us and I told her that I only said that because me and my other friend were both from different countries, so we would understand the racism that we face in Ireland more than she would. then she went on a rant about her mother leaving her and about how her mom moved to England, so she understands being from a different country, even though she is Irish. after that I changed the subject and then she started saying the different ways that she would kill her mom if she found her and also saying that she would kill her 5 year old half sister if she could. it was just a really uncomfortable conversation. me and my friend still listened to her though, because we didnt want to make her upset.

Hey its me you might have seen my earlier posts yeah... they kind of fell through so I'm now a girl and lesbian and all that yay! It's not funny but the guy you liked so much now whenever you hear his voice or watch him do something you used to thought was funny you actually feel repulsed... Anyway that's not the point of this I really want to go to a all girls academy I go to school with boys but everything else it is with girls and I sent an email and everything and hopefully they send back. I missed the main deadline but I can still apply so I'm trying...

But I don't know cause I honestly hate the school I'm at now and when I told my best friend of 5 years I wanted to move school he doesn't even care he isn't even worried none of my friends care they can make me laugh but I feel when I need something it doesn't matter to them they don't care. I literally sat at my lunch table talking to no one. No one tried to make conversation my friend said once are you okay I said I guess then I was the one who had to make the conversation. But it's not like they aren't happy there off skipping and yelling and laughing with each other I'm just the one they don't care about anymore. Yeah I guess i'll miss marching band and I wont be a section leader but honestly I will live with other girls with my own phone doing whatever I want I will finally be a cheerleader like I've always wanted to be but I didn't want to join because I hated most of the girls on the cheer team. Not all though some of them are so sweet, but most are judgmental. I will have my own phone which I have never had before I'll be able to die my hair. Have a job, wear what I want during my free time. But the school is a private school so super expensive so I'm trying to get full scholarship. Yeah sometimes I'm sad thinking about moving and everything but like if I don't get accepted I don't know what I'm gonna do. I will not be able to stand another year at this school. I wanna be accepted for who I am.

So many people at my school are homophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, (sorry I don't know if I spelled that its basically hatred and fear of Jewish people). They also make fun of people who are suicidal, they make fun of furies, not even just furies like if you like cosplay they make fun of you for that. Also my school is super poor the school is horrible, food, horrible teachers some of them are okay but... I just don't know anymore should I move schools or should I stay...

Thanks for listening!❤

Our career day is tomorrow. Evb already knows what they want. They have their future planned out, see themselves in their better version. I don’t know what I want. I feel so left behind. My passions doesn’t do well financially. They’ll only tell me the choose the better option. I don’t even see myself past where I am now. I only see one solution. To anyone who’ll ever read this, please don’t feel bad for me. I just need someone to hear what I’m going through ❤️‍🩹

i don’t really know why i’m writing this but whatever. i’m a guy and school sucks and i suck in it too. evry day i wake up and my body is just there, like heavy and annoying, and i already know what’s coming. i look fat. i look ugly. i know people say looks don’t matter but they do, becuase in school they do. i put on clothes that don’t even feel right and i still feel gross. when i walk to school i keep thinking maybe today nobody will say anything. that never happens. it’s stupid i even hope. do you ever hope for something you already know won’t happen, just because you’re tired?

at school everyone acts like they’re comedians and i’m the joke. they don’t even whisper it, they just say it. fat. ugly. big guy. some kid called me “before picture” once and people laughed like it was the smartest thing ever said. i just stood there like an idiot. in class people stare at my stomach when i sit down, like it’s some science project. a girl told her friend i look like i smell bad. i don’t even smell bad. teachers hear stuff and just keep teaching like nothing happened, which is honestly worse. i feel like i’m not even a person there, just something to point at. why is it so easy for thier mouths to run?

i try to pretend i don’t care, like yeah sure whatever, but i care a lot. i stopped talking unless i have to. i stopped answering questions. i sit in the back and hope nobody notices when i breathe. gym class is hell. i make excuses not to change because i don’t want people seeing my body, even for two seconds. once someone slapped my stomach and laughed and said it jiggles. i wanted to disappear. i think about that a lot actually. i think about everything a lot. my brain doesn’t shut up. do you also replay dumb moments in your head forever or is that just me being wierd?

sometimes i tell myself i’ll lose weight and everything will be fixed, like it’s a video game or something. but then i see thinner guys still getting messed with and i think maybe it’s just my face, or my vibe, or my existence. i eat when i feel bad, then i feel worse because i ate, which is really smart, i know. people joke about me eating all the time even when i’m not eating. i could be drinking water and someone will say “of course you are.” it doesn’t even have to make sense. somtimes i start thinking maybe i deserve it, which is messed up but my brain goes there anyway. you ever start believing the stuff people say even when you know it’s cruel?

i don’t know how this ends. i don’t think there’s a big lesson here. i just feel tired and heavy and embarrassed all the time. i wonder if people will ever forget me or if i’ll just be “that fat ugly guy” forever in their memories. i wonder if i’ll ever look at myself and not immediately feel bad. maybe some of you reading this were like the people making jokes. maybe you didn’t mean it. maybe you forgot about it five minutes later. i didn’t. i still don’t. does it ever actually get better or do you just stop expecting it to?

High school is supposed to be the best years of your life, right? Well, not for me. I'm 17 and if there's one thing I've figured out so far, it's that I really don't like people..... I'm not even trying to be rude or anything, it's just a simple observation!!

It's like, everywhere I turn, there's someone doing stuff that just gets on my nerves. Take school, for example... ugh, don't even get me started. It's like a never-ending drama scene. Cliques everywhere, people pretending to be someone they're not, gossip flying around like confetti at a parade. How can anyone enjoy being around that? Like, really. And don't get me started on the teachers!!! They're supposed to be guiding us, but half the time, it seems like they don't even care. I feel like I'm just another number to them, rather than a real person with real thoughts and feelings. Then there's my family. They mean well, I guess, but it always feels like they just don't understand me or want to understand me. Like, I'm just there, the moody teenager who's around but not really involved; know what I mean? My parents ask me the same questions every day; "How was school?" "Do you have homework?" It's the same ol' routine and it feels like we're just going through the motions. My siblings are younger, and while they're okay sometimes, other times they're just annoying. They don't mean to be, I know, but still. Living with other people is tough, you get me? And then there are the neighbors, those people who live near you but you barely know them.

Our neighborhood is filled with all types of characters, and honestly, they're mostly just noisy and nosy and always trying to know too much about our business. It's like they have nothing better to do than watch other people's lives unfold! It's kinda creepy if you ask me. My friend's parents are the worst, though. It's like they're constantly judging, comparing, and acting all high and mighty. And I can't get away from them because they're always around when I go over to hang out with my friend. It makes me wonder if adults ever stop and really think, like, why are they so extra all the time?! I feel stuck sometimes because it feels like nobody gets it or wants to get it. Like, I'm trapped in this world full of people just doing things that bug me... where's the escape button on life, right? And I know that sounds dramatic, but man, that's just how I feel. Maybe it's just me being young and thinking I know everything, but it honestly feels like everyone around me is just in their own world, and I'm just trying to find mine. I mean, does anyone else feel like that? It sometimes gets me to question if there's something wrong with me, like, am I the odd one out because I'm not fitting into this chaos. I'd rather be alone most of the time because at least when I'm by myself, I can think straight. Some people like to say that you only grow up and realize high school wasn't as bad as it seemed, but is that really true??? Can't say I'm buying that just yet. They say you'll find your people eventually, that you'll connect with someone who just gets you. But I'm like, when? Because so far, that's not been my experience. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, but even with them, sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions. Do you ever feel like you're just playing a role you're not even sure you like? It's all so tiring.

Social media doesn't help either; it's just another platform for people to play their games and put on their masks. I don’t know, maybe I just need to find a different perspective, or perhaps it's just the people near me that make me feel this way, who knows? It's a small world in my head, but the real world feels way too big and complex sometimes. So here I am, venting about how I just don't like people. It's not all people, but a lot of people, and it's not all the time, but it sure feels like it most of the time. Does that make sense? It's hard being 17 and feeling like you're just wandering through the maze of life with no real direction. Maybe one day, it'll all click, and I won't feel like an alien in my own skin, but until then, I guess I'll just have to navigate this craziness in my own way. Can anyone relate to how confusing it is trying to understand not just everyone else, but yourself too?! It's like one big mathematical equation that just doesn't add up. Here's hoping that maybe, just maybe, high school is the problem and not me. Or is it hopeful thinking? Who knows...

In a few weeks it's gonna be my final exams of 8th grade. Let me tell you, don't try to change me. I'm in the firm belief I'm fundamentally stupid. Last unit, which was Unit 2, I scored a 25/60 in maths and 22/60 in Hindi, and somehow my family got more mad at the fact I called myself stupid than the fact I failed. I scored that low, and I'm lucky it wasn't the last exam or else I would've been held back a year, since I also did pathetic in Science at 45.5 in which I should've scored higher since I'm good at science, I got 43/60 in Social Studies, 51/60 in English, but I failed. They got more angry I said I was stupid, I was! I'm dumb for trusting the math teacher to start on the hardest questions like she said. And mom said the weirdest thing, she asked how can I improve if I call myself a failure or stupid. I was, for even when I studied hard I forgot and I took too long to answer, because I'm slow like a slug and stupid. And if I fail this unit now, I'm gonna be held back. The maths teacher keeps threatening the class about it as a real thing. And I will fail because I'm fundamentally stupid. I don't feel like studying, and that's fine, because stupid people don't deserve privilege, just slog. If I succeed this exam, or at least score a decent 60-70% than last time in maths and half in Hindi, I'm cursed. What I'm saying is that means for every Unit 2 exam, I suck the worst. That happened in 7th, it happened in Unit 2 of 8th, and this is the final third one, and if I do slightly better, I'm cursed. I normally score decent in Unite 1, but I'm praying at least in math I score well, because screw Hindi, even my parents gave up the language for me cus they now why I struggle even with tuitions, it's too hard, even for them!

Now, you might say, "Make your own timetable!" or "Maybe practice time management", shut up! Shut up you fucking ugly bitches! I'll fail my own timed 3 hour exam, or even revision sheets timed, I'll fail at math which is one of the main subjects I need to pass to go ahead, and plus, one guy got held back and he's in 7th grade going to 8th when he should be going to 9th now like me. I'll be held back as well. My teacher may say in 9th she can shift Hindi to art, but it's impossible, in CBSE, you just can't. It would make my cosplay event not worth it then. Imagine how many other people failed that I'm not aware of, that got held back with no friends which is why I didn't know, that lost every opportunity to succeed because of this. I'll be one of them if I act too cocky and tell myself, "I can do this". I simply can't. Convince me and I'll find you, kill you, and bury your body in the ocean where nobody can find you. And in CBSE, no way they'd retake exams from 8th-9th. Why would they retake exams? I've not heard of that. You can't do that. You can't do that in CBSE. It's too much coddling, anyways.

To those who know JJBA, I'm dumb enough for someone like Fugo to crash out and go fucking batshit crazy. Seriously, Narancia sucks even worse than me at maths, and Fugo stabs him with a fork in Golden Wind. I'm sorry, what?! I know Golden Wind is freaky or weird as fuck, but nah, I need those high standards to pass. In fact, since I'm planning to dress up as Joseph Joestar for an event a month after my exams in March, Joseph won't look at me and won't call me dumb because he is dumb, but Caesar Zeppeli would and he'd also become an angry Italian like Fugo. Admit it, he hates stupid people! He's a hotheaded man who's strong, what I'm not. I'm stupid, see? I'm no good at cosplaying either, it's my first time. So the best thing is to just give up, maybe leave school, convince my family I can be homeschooled somehow, or just die since I'm too stupid to be alive. They won't give second chances, not anymore. This is my last dance, my final act before promotion, and until then, I won't pick my ass up if I convince myself I can do this. I can't. Impossible stays impossible. Those who believe in change are the retarded fags themselves. Fucking hell, just anyone, give me any 3 GOOD WAYS to just die, if I decide I'm worthless to everyone, my family, my brother, everyone, I won't miss them because they won't miss me. They'll move on. I still fail to understand why they get more mad when I call myself stupid when the truth is is bold letters...

I'M FUCKING STUPID AND AN UGLY BITCH WHORE OF A DAUGHTER YOU LITTLE SHITS

Teenagehood is a crock of shit. All those teen shows and movies fucking lied!! (TW mentions of depression)

I have about a year until I graduate and I’m lowkey getting impatient. I can’t wait to move to University and close this miserable chapter of my life.

I mean yeah there were lots of fun things, but the bad things were just SO BAD that I can’t ignore them at all.

Like don’t get me started on my mental health, the moment I turned 13 that shit deteriorated like crazy!! Like I love my parents but they’re one of the main reasons I’m so depressed like they’ve done so many things that genuinely make me wanna kms!! I actually had a real fear when I was 14 that I wouldn’t make it past 16 cause I might lose my mind and end it!

I also can’t wait to leave this school. Everyone here is so fucking fake like ugh, and the only two people who I felt even remotely comfortable with being myself left the school (one of them left the fucking continent)!

Everyone else is so fake, I can’t believe there was a time where I genuinely saw them as friends, like thank goodness I opened my eyes and stopped brainwashing myself! Gurl, they barely, if ever, talk to you, and they DEFINITELY say shit behind your back like “look at the gay depressed emo girl with anger issues, she probably cuts herself” (I don’t but if scars didn’t exist I would in a heartbeat).

And let me not start on dating! Those teen romance stories are fake as fuck!! Good thing I didn’t try to date any of these fuckass boys! They’re so fucking insensitive and misogynistic! The only time some of those fuckers show any interest in me is when they wanna sexualise my body! Go eat shit!!

Soon I’m gonna graduate and leave this place, and I’m gonna block every whackass motherfucker from this school man I’m done!!

I guess if anyone wants to share their version of teenage hood or if they somewhat relate to my experience go ahead.

So I’m in my final year of highschool before going to university and I haven’t been able to cope with exam stress or application stress well. Everytime I make an application I honestly need hours after just to calm my chest down since it starts feeling heavy again. I have tried to regain safety and have a routine that works keeping me calmer but honestly this throws off all that progress.

I don’t want to take pressure anymore like I genuinely feel like I want to stop trying and I don’t want to be achieving anything. I want an average university with lowkey academic pressure and peace. I found one far away from home which fits my needs but my parents won’t let me go that far. In fact they think I’m running away and taking the easier way out when I should be facing it since the world is a difficult place. While I agree I really need to be happy to commit. If I’m not I will deteriorate my mental health further and it’s already really bad. I don’t know how to manage it. It creeps up before exams genuinely in a way I can’t prepare properly. It remains in my chest and will not go away no matter how hard I try. It keeps coming back. It will show up in tinier things like my friend not responding to my messages or future issues I really don’t have to deal with at the moment. I barely made one application and deadlines are coming up I need to focus which I’m not able to do. It’s getting scarier and I cry everyday feeling like there’s no way I can get out of this when I can but at the time it feels like there is nothing else for me I truly loathe this feeling. It feels like the end everytime and I’m sick of venting to everyone with no way of receiving actual help. No one knows how to help. My parents try but they think I’m weak for even feeling this and I should just get over the drama.

i cant even think straight because I’ve been crying for hours and I think I should just be gone from this world. Something crazy is going on with me and my friends and i cant even focus on anything but that, and I was supposed to go to a sleepover with my friends last minute because i need someone to talk to but when i went to ask my mom and my dad they both agreed that it was a bad decision to let me talk to my friends. I said I had no one to talk to and my mom literally said that i could talk to but she’s literally like 50 years old so how could she understand? i could never talk to her because she’s my mom and all the people i know that have tried to off themselves have gone to a mental asylum and came back so different i was scared. I cant talk to my friends anymore also because my downtime is on and i cant communicate with anyone except for my parents and im so completely exhausted with myself and im so utterly alone that i just think im done. I’ve never cried more than right now and i cant even see straight thats how blurry my vision is right now help me i have no one to talk to

Okk so the second half of the school year and damnn I have a LOT of free classes I can both come later to school and leave early and yk what I’m happy but here’s the thing WHAT DO I DOOOO??? My parents r so draining to be around and even as I was in school today I wouldn’t mind staying longer if it means I don’t have to be with them, but what am I going do tho?? Some days I’m having a special class in the morning so don’t have to worry about them but after school and the other days?? ‘Get a job’ I PHYSICALLY CANT ‘Volunteer’ good suggestions but something feels off I don’t have any friends so can’t chill at their house or hang out with them. Theres a library near but I can’t be there every single day till June??? I mean I could.. i have a lot of personal work to be done, ok good suggestions but what else?? And I lwk want smt far bc the only negative thing about my school is its way too close want to chill in the supermarkets near it? What if I see one of my parents?? Just chill near the park/grass area(well I wouldn’t do that people from my school there and way to awkward) and parents too. Take the public transport? PARENTS COULD ALSO BE ON THERE Theres a fast food place near the school but as u imagine near a school it’s gonna be always crowded so uber eats might be seeing a lot of me this year! Also connects to this - this Friday the 2 classes I have both teachers just said we will go see a show and like yh so basically a free day I don’t even have to go school WTH? I couldn’t have gotten this amazing blessing with nice and chill parents?? But lwk not wanting to see this show , it’s so crowded and just not a good space for my head , hopefully I can get out after I get registered. Maybe do a good delivery hmm anyway yh fine if u don’t have any suggestions thanks for reading too!

Okay so basically there's this girl called Megan and im friends with her sister, Tegan. They're twins btw. Megan has been getting my friend group into trouble for YEARS. The way she would do that was by bothering me and my friends and Tegan has a very short temper, so she would always tell Megan to stop and then Megan would cry crocodile tears to the teachers and make it seem like Tegan was bothering her. Now recently, me and my friend were talking and we saw Megan teaching someone how to do the Gabriela hands. Me and my friend absolutely HATE Megan, so I said to my friend "wow Erica's doing better than Megan" (which is a really shitty thing to say). I know that I sound really mean, but if you added up all the times that Megan was meant to me vs all the times I was mean to Megan, Megan would win by a landslide.then she heard me say that and then she went up to me and said "you dont always have to say something". after that she told her friends. her friends went up to me and started questioning me about if I said that to Megan. I was super nervous, so I just started fidgeting with my stress ball and I didnt say anything. This was during our 1st lunch break. when it was the second lunch break, Megan and her friend came up to me and my friends and started saying stuff like "hey bestie" to me. Tegan got SUPER angry and she started arguing with Megan. I kept telling Tegan to stop escalating the situation because she was making it worse for me. She didnt listen. After the bell rang, Megan's friend, Zara, told me to apologise, so I did. Megan said "I dont forgive you". So then when we went inside she told a teacher. so then. I was outside in the hallway with Megan, my homeroom teacher and Megan's homeroom teacher. The teachers started teaching me like a sociopath, who has no empathy. they were asking me questions like "do you think people don't have feelings?". Megan was crying crocodile tears again and she would constantly interupt me when I was talking. Megan's homeroom teacher then had the audacity to say "and of course Zara was being a good friend telling (my name) to apologise". which honestly just made me want to throw a chair at her. after getting harassed by 2 grown women, I went to the bathroom and started crying. Now, there have been a lot of times when my teacher would yell at me for doing normal stuff. like I was packing up for home time like everyone else and my teacher was just like "(my name) and (my friends name) stop packing up!" when literally everyone else was packing up. So then my mom had a chat with my teacher and told her about all the times that Megan has been two faced. After that my teacher was nicer to me, but even nicer to Megan. im also on the student council so I was judging for the talent show and when we told her who we picked for 3rd, 2nd and 1st place, she forced us to make Megan 4th place so that Megan would get a prize. I've honestly always felt like I dont belong here since im an immigrant and that teachers just aren't nice to me at all. like im a smart kid, im not usually mean, I dont ever misbehave and im always trying hard in class, so I dont get what makes teachers hate me. am I just overreacting?

helloo!! I haven't used this website before so sorry if my story gets boring or messy. I'm currently in year 12 (11th grade i think) and i feel like none of my hard work will surmount to anything. I got the highest grade in my year for GCSEs (final exams) and my family was rly proud of me. I was actually shocked, i thought i would do average. i did a lot of studying but i wasn't sure whether it was effective enough until then. Although this sounds like good news, i still feel like im not going to get into a good university or anyhting. i do have decent academic skills, but my social skills are simply terrible. im rly awkward, and although i have a couple of rly close friends and a bf, i feel like no one else rly likes me. i don't get bullied, but everyone seems to look at me with disgust or maybe even pity. i feel like im jsut bothering everyone by being in school. tbh, the reason i work so hard in school is not just for other ppl's approval, but because i just want to make up for how boring and quiet i am. maybe then i can get a job when im older, but atm it seems unlikely. i can barely hold a conversation, and when i get overwhelmed/stressed in school my face tenses up and i look rly pissed off/sad when im not. no one wants to hire that. plus, it feels like not many ppl even care abt my grades. although the headmaster said i got the highest grades, he gave the "highest grades" awards to two other ppl who are more popular than me. i guess it shows not even the school wants me on stage in front of people. i do sound abt too whiny, i know: i do still feel as if the work i put in will be worth it in the end. but i cant stand how i act in school, i jsut feel like i cant help it. it sounds dramatic, but it feels like my mouth literally sews shut in front of other ppl. how do i fix this?? i just want to stop being so miserable and jealous of others. i dont need to make new friends, i just wish i was approachable anough for ppl to talk to me. sorry, i know its very difficult to respond to soemthing like this. i just wanted to vent mostly. thank u for reading x

I just need to yell at something right now in the middle of my ELA class and this is the only way I can figure out how because all the stress relief websites are blocked, i cant stab myself with pencil, yell at a teacher or blow up, and I need to look like i'm doing something. I am so unbelievably angry with my grades on an essay. everyone hates my teacher because he is super strict, crushes dreams and gives a lot of homework. I don't HATE him because I don't hate anyone and like to think of myself as a very empathetic person, but I am THIS close to pounding my head against a table because it is finals week and I had accepted the uselessness of this school support system months ago, yet here I am growing more frustrated. Between the repetitive mental health presentations, blaming of social media and high expectations, I have been stretched as thin as everyone else. Grades aren't bad in my family. They can't be. In middle school I worked extra hard to get straight A's, and was almost done with eighth grade when I learned that those grades don 't even count for anything on the long run. By then It was too late to change the way of existing that was drilled into me, and I even felt glad that I would have practice for high school, when the grades would go on my record. well here I am, halfway through the year and I have never been more tired. in addition, my grades have never been worse. Since the year began, I have volunteered twice, helped out at a bake sale, got first chair in band, learned to play hockey from the ground up, written 26 essays, ACTUALLY studied, prepared a duet piece with my friend for a competition, signed up for an extra online class outside of school for credit, joined weightlifting and marching band, stopped my friend from unaliving herself, gave up art for college credit classes, privately entered a short story contest, and not missed a single day. not when I got sick, not even after a car crash we got into on the way to school. I don't skip. I do my work. I have supportive friends. And here I am, wishing I could die. I think my body is trying to kill me. My stomach turns at the thought of eating anything, but I force myself to anyways because I need to have enough energy for hockey and dragging my backpack around, and I can't help but fight against my melatonin each night to stay awake for hours because my head keeps rushing and it's the only time of day when I can actually relax. I have to drag myself into the shower, and stopped wearing earrings, which sounds dumb and small but for me it feels noticeable. I am known for my giant, unique earrings, or at least i was, and they were one of the only things that made my feel like myself. Now, things like that don't feel worth the energy. But despite being exhausted, despite wishing I could end it all, I just can't. I know it would devastate my family and friends, and I just feel too busy to focus on any of that. I hate living, I hate trudging through the day, I hate working so hard I want to cry, and I hate that i'm failing anyway. I have A-s and B-s, which will never be enough to get me into a good college or have a meaningful future. My grandfather wants me to go to Cambridge or some Swedish university, and I want to make a difference in the world or something idk, But even if I had a 4.0, I would have to stand out somehow to be accepted anywhere. I've never been good at remembering or getting things in on time, but it's caused me to become a genius at lying. Excuses. Gaining sympathy. Taking advantage of my charm and empathy. I can get teachers to really like me without being a suck-up, and when I forget to turn something in, all it takes is a creative and specific story about a computer problem or something that is somehow their fault. I won't say I wish I didn't do it, but I can't, because it works and the extra time makes decision paralysis a little more bearable. AND YET STILL. STILL. I'M F*&KING FAILING AND NOTHING I DO SEEMS TO HELP! nothing I sacrifice, nothing I skip out on, nothing I do to myself helps. not even the "giving yourself breaks" things helps, because it never makes me feel any less tired and just sets me back. Even now, I am spending precious time in class to write this instead of editing a failed essay because I feel like it's the only way I won't scream. a 30/50. Handwritten, three-page report on irony used in To Kill a Mockingbird. Last essay, he told me to divide into more paragraphs. Now, the paper is covered in barely-readable scribbles that say things like "why did you indent again?" "dividing information makes it confusing" "And... WHAT?". The worst part, he acts like HE IS THE VICTIM! I have never met a more bitter man. He spends all class long harping about how the system has stuck him in a thankless gob where we stupid kids don't even listen to him after spending his whole life in school, like a martyr. He tells us that maybe if we studied instead of playing games on our computers, we would be as good as his AP class, or make an essay that was actually readable. It makes me fume. Infuriated at the way he doesn't seem to understand that we are fighting just to stay alive and people like me can't even have fun anymore, even if we had time. The worst part is that even if he did understand, I doubt he would care because this is the bare minimum for everybody. Dying every day and running on 5 hours of sleep. hating yourself and constantly competing. Sinking into depression in the back of your mind without having a minute to spare on escaping. There is no escaping. This is our reality. Our lives. Our fated failure. This is what they have made for us, and yet we are still told we aren't good enough.

This is the peak of my insanity. I hate everything. Everyone sucks. They all just lie and cheat and divide and become their own "clan", claiming unity. What the fuck is unity then!?!? This is my first day in school after 3 weeks, and gah! How I wish everyone would just die! It pains me to see teachers say "I bet you had a nice time speaking with friends on the holidays", fuck off. Actually, the teachers should die, for mushing those dumb children's brains that "Friendship is Magic", it's not. It's like saying God is real when it's not. In fact, this isolation for 7 years, no friends, has improved me, changed me. It made me smarter about the universe, that everything is a lie. I'm perfect, better than the school.