School Stories

so, i've been pondering this question quite a bit lately: is college really better than high school? i mean, on paper, it sure sounds like it should be, right? we're talking more freedom, no one chasing you around for homework like some kind of school inspector, and the alleged opportunity to "find yourself." yet here i am, stuck in this never-ending loop of desolation and ennui, trying to untangle the mythical benefits of this so-called higher education. i feel like a ghost in the halls, surrounded by people yet impossibly alone. in high school, there wasn't this gaping void; at least the structure forced some semblance of interaction, like it or not. now? it's all tumbleweeds and solitude, with meandering thoughts like, "gee, was that all there was to it?"

you know how they say "college is the best time of your life"? well, i'm gonna have to call BS on that; perhaps it's the overly romanticized sitcom version they were referring to. the reality, for me, has been a swirling mess of self-doubt and social isolation. there's this massive chasm between expectation and reality when it comes to college life. i enrolled half-expecting to transform into some confident, self-assured version of myself, but the truth is, i'm still that awkward, socially-inept kid from high school, minus the safety net of familiar faces. plus, everyone here seems to have their own cliques and established groups, and i can't help but feel like a piece of jigsaw puzzle that's been thrown into the wrong box. i spend a good chunk of my day thinking, "am i the only one feeling this way?" the profs might be ace and the coursework fascinating, yet none of that offers solace when every social interaction feels like a herculean task.

in my experience, college's much-touted independence is a double-edged sword. sure, no one's monitoring my every move, but with that freedom comes an overwhelming sense of being adrift. navigating academics without guidance feels like trying to steer a boat without a rudder, especially when you don't have a crew to consult with. i ain't saying high school was a walk in the park; it definitely had its moments, what with the relentless drama and all the usual teenage angst. yet, at least there, the chaos was familiar, dependable in a weird way. maybe i'm romanticizing it too much, but high school had a simplicity that college seems to lack. are my expectations skewed, or is this just another case of the grass always being greener? either way, i've got one foot in a constant state of nostalgia while the other fumbles for a foothold in this daunting, adult landscape.

My school has started, but it's online. I'm in 9th now. And right now, why not expect this? Everyone acts so serious about their careers, but you know what's funny? They don't care by 10th. Why is my family treating this like this is good for my career, when I'm only 14? Not that they're super adamant about it, but fuck 'em. I'm tired of being nice or kind or accommodating. Where has it gotten me? Tired, alone, friendless, and fucking losing my shit every 5 seconds now with people's BS. I wanna drink a beer, but I'm too young and it tastes bad. Remember my MEFCC post? That's all in the fucking past! Fuck! It's postponed to September, but hey, I didn't book any tickets. I didn't commit, so I can just NOT GO to be normal. To be an adult. I wanted to so badly be accepted, with people like me, but growing up is realizing life will never go your way and the only person with you is you. I hated this, but now, I'm just sleepy, this means I've accepted this truth. There is already too much going on. My school is online, Dubai is getting bombed by Iran, MEFCC got postponed, my exams are on June, I'm with the same class who excluded me, and everyday, I am convinced kindness hasn't gotten me anywhere. Fuck! I gave up the dream. It was a dream after all. The dream to have a good time at school, to have fun in an event with folks like me, to try again in exams and succeed in it, to dress up and have fun, to just be. But it's a dream, I've accepted it. I've come to terms with the fact that everything is pointless until it is perfect. By that logic, I'm worthless. I wouldn't care if I passed or failed exams, or if I went or not, I wouldn't even care. When you fail once, the best thing is to give up. It's easy. Adults live life easy. Don't try to reach godhood when you're mortal. Don't try to aim for niche or freelancing when you're the only scummy, sick scoundrel doing it. I am a fucking cunty scoundrel.

im 17 and a guy and honestly i dont like myself at all. not in the fake sad way people post for attention either, i mean i legit look at myself and feel pissed off. every morning before school i already feel annoyed cause i know its gonna be the same stupid day again. i wake up tired, stare at my face in the mirror, and it just starts there. my hair never sits right, my skin looks like crap, my eyes always look dead, and even when i try to fix it i still look like some awkward dumbass who got dressed in the dark. then i go to school and it gets worse cause i feel weird around everybody. dudes in my class joke around like its easy, they know how to talk, how to be loud, how to not care. i stand there thinking too much about where to put my hands like some idiot. teachers talk to me like im either lazy or broken, maybe both. i got this math teacher who always says “you need to apply yourself” and i swear i wanna tell him to shut up cause maybe i would if i didnt feel like garbage every second. last week he asked me to solve something on the board and i just froze. like full blank brain. people laughed, not even loud, that worse quiet laugh where they look at each other. i went back to my seat feeling hot in the face and trying not to look like i cared, but i did care, a lot. thats the thing. everything gets stuck in my head for hours. one dumb moment and i keep replaying it all day like my brain is trying to beat the crap out of me. you ever hate yourself so much that even normal stuff feels personal. like somebody bump into you in the hall and suddenly you feel like yeah of course, even the hallway knows im a loser.

school is hell mostly because i cant stop comparing myself to everybody and i always lose. there this one dude in my grade, not even trying hard, gets good marks, girls talk to him, teachers like him, and im sitting there with a half dead pen and a backpack full of crumpled papers smelling like old lunch. i tried to do better this year, i really did. bought a notebook, made a schedule, told myself “stop being a useless piece of crap and fix it.” lasted maybe 4 days. then i missed one homework, then two, then i stopped opening the school app cause i didnt wanna see more missing work. my mom keeps asking why im “so moody” and i say im just tired, but really i dont even know how to explain this without sounding pathetic. its like i got no solid version of myself. at school im too quiet so people think im stuck up or weird. at home im angry for no reason and slam doors then feel like trash after. one time in english class we had to read our writing out loud and mine was about some random movie cause i didnt wanna say anything real. this girl behind me whispered “he always sounds like hes about to cry” and bro, that messed me up way more then it should of. i laughed like i didnt hear it, but i heard every damn word. after class i went to the bathroom and just stood in a stall doing nothing cause i knew if i looked at my face id wanna punch the mirror. i dont even have some huge tragic backstory, thats what makes me feel more stupid. nobody beat me up, nobody ruined my whole life, im just me and i cant stand me. my voice sounds annoying, my body feels wrong, my thoughts are ugly, and im sick of pretending im gonna magically become one of those chill people who just “gain confidence.” how. seriously how? people say be yourself like thats some good advice, but what if yourself is the exact problem 😒

and yeah i know some people got it worse, i know that already, so dont start with that crap. knowing other people suffer dont suddenly make me like my own face or fix the knot in my chest every time i walk into class. i hate how insecure i am. i hate how i can remember one embarassing thing from 3 years ago more clearly then anything useful for a test. i hate that i want people to like me while also wanting everybody to leave me the hell alone. my friends, if i can even call them that, make jokes and i laugh along, but half the time i go home wondering if they actually think im annoying. probably. i talk too little until i talk too much, then i replay that too. a few days ago at lunch i dropped my drink all over the floor, and it wasnt even some giant scene, but i felt my stomach drop like i wanted to disappear. i mumbled sorry to the lunch lady and she was nice about it, which somehow made it worse. when people are nice to me i dont feel better, i feel exposed, like they can tell im barely holding my crap together. i keep thinking maybe if i got better grades, or looked better, or was funnier, or stronger, or less weird, then maybe i wouldnt hate myself this much. but then i also think maybe im just built wrong from the start. thats the ugly truth. i dont like being me. not my head, not my habits, not the way i fold under pressure, not the way i act tough and then go home and overthink every stupid thing. and the worst part is i still gotta wake up tomorrow and drag this same self back to school again like im forced to carry around a person i cant stand. so yeah, thats it. i don't like myself. does anybody else feel that nasty kind of hate where you cant even escape it cause its literally your own damn head every single day.

I genuinely just don't care anymore about school. I've tried to tell myself that it's so important and that I have to do these things to get into a good college to live a good life but right now I'm sitting and writing this post instead of studying for an important presentation that's tomorrow. Part of me is telling myself that I should work on it, that I should do it, but my heart's just not in it. I don't have any motivation to do this, nothing helps at all. I've tried studying with my friends but honestly it just doesn't work out. I always end up doing something random or doomscrolling. I don't know what to do anymore. Why am I feeling like this?? How do I get motivation???

Before I start talking abt this rando shit lol. If at any point u think it’s too much or anything just stop or don’t read this.

Anyways so yeah.. I mean I can’t stop thinking about her, I mean they’re literally everything I’m not and I don’t even know if their even straight (they are a girl but idk their pronouns so I’ll use they/them, just so y’all know).

And Ik it seems kinda normal but it’s true. I mean they’re so pretty and kind and just yk yeah. Meanwhile what am I? Like sure ig you could say I’m pretty but I doubt it. Their skinny and I’ve gained 6 pounds and Ik it’s just 6 pounds but that sets me back 6 pounds and it means I look ugly. I feel ugly. And no matter how much I try, how much I want, I crave. To go back to my old ways. People always stop me. I don’t want them to tho. I mean me liking girls is already a enough failure and me being overweight adds on to it and idfc how I lose it.

Sorry for going so off topic, I just meant that they would never love someone like me, I mean I sure wouldn’t. Like I don’t know how to explain it, there’s just a unspoken tension between us but I think I’m just way over my head and again. Who will love someone like me?

sorry for the long vent. Sorry if I wasted ur time at all but ig that’s it, I don’t rlly have any questions but if u do please comment it and I will respond when I see ur comment.

Hope it wasn’t too much, anyways good morning, good afternoon, and good night. Till next time

I feel like i’m missing out on the college experience and idk what to do.

for context: I (18F) am a relatively high-achieving student that was sent to a smaller, lower-ranking university in a more conservative part of the state. I got an extremely good scholarship offer (B/MD program if u were wondering). immediately, I was torn about coming here. My hometown is right next to a larger, better school and all my friends were in this area + I loved my home city and the community. I was heavily pressured by my parents (yelled at multiple times and threatened to not help pay for my college) to attend this smaller school. it was still ultimately “my decision” for the reasons that 1) I would get the experience of living on my own 2) again scholarship is not offered anywhere else.

I can’t help but feel like it was a mistake. Ik i’m here mostly to focus on school and my career but it’s so lonely. I was also goaded into getting a single room so I have no roommate. I did make friends (more like acquaintances) but none of them ever have time outside of class to talk or hang out because they’re either working or doing something else. it’s even worse because it seems like everyone is able to find medical jobs but I can’t? I’m literally the only one in my scholarship cohort that does not work a clinical job but i’ve tried numerous times and every time I was turned down by some bullshit specification post-interview that the application didn’t list in the requirements (eg “they only accept night shifts right now” when nowhere in the application did they say night shift only).

I feel like a failure. It’s basically been 25% of my college years and i’ve done nothing. I have a 4.0 but all I do is stay in my dorm and watch youtube or instagram reels. I can’t even find energy for my hobbies or what I enjoyed doing before.

I see stories or posts of my friends at other, more traditional “college experience” schools and I just feel more miserable. They have fun, hang out with people, actually have a community and stimulating classes. i’m just sad and friend-starved and understimulated. When expressing this to my parents all I get is “it’s just 4 years, it’ll be over fast.”

It makes me want to scream and rip my hair out. these are the most free, formative years of young adulthood and they treat my situation as if my depression is a worthy sacrifice for the future they want/expect of me. oh it’s just four years it’s no big deal. who cares if you’re miserable, this is so you can get into med school. like thanks dude, that really helps.

wtf do I do. I acknowledge that some of this is definitely my fault. I have a tendency to be distant to people and struggle to maintain consistent friendships. I’m trying to actively rectify this but it’s hard, it doesn’t help that i’m ADHD + anxiety. When I do work up the courage to ask people to hang outside of class they never have the time. Plus, I haven’t found people i’ve truly “clicked” with yet. A lot of my friends share the premed track but in terms of intellectual and cultural interests, we don’t share a lot in common. I like having friends who are politically active with opinions about media and culture that I can bounce ideas around with, but none of them seem keen on that and I don’t want to talk to a wall, yknow?

Any advice would help. I have scheduled an appointment with the school counselor but I am still waiting on that.

I’m loosing friends left and right. I don’t know why but it’s making me feel like shit. I’m 16 years old but I need to get out of this house. Out of this town. Out of this state. My mom is suffocating me with responsibilities; maintain a good social life, but you can’t have friends if you’re failing a class. Keep good grades, but 80’s aren’t good enough for us. Take care of yourself, except for when we need you to do something. Follow all of the rules, but when you make a mistake it’s the end of the world.

they aren’t letting me grow up. I feel like I’m choking and I can’t escape. There is no escape. Emancipation is out of the question.

everybody hates me here too.

One friend group is excluding me rather than finding a compromise, and another has just ghosted me. I don’t know if I have any real friends left. I break my back and a half for them and all they say is “we want more!” And when I can’t provide, I’m thrown away. There’s nobody else here I can talk to. I don’t want therapy. It makes me feel gross.

I can’t make friends with the people here because they either can’t function in society or they already hate me.

I can’t escape

I don’t want to kms. I want to leave.

find new people. Get out of this hell hole.

I feel like throwing up all the time.

i try my best not to sh cuz i made a promise.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to run away but I do. And I don’t, but I do. every time I open my mouth I’m annoying.

Vent cause I Need to get this out of my head. I am really sorry for falling behind in school and tests, and being dead weight and making 10 out of 11 people in my classroom hate my guts. But the past three months have been absolute hell. I've gotten stranded in the middle of road, in winter, three times. Have been sick and grieving twice. And Just anxious and overworked in general. I won't ever tell them that cause I do know it's also my fault. Cause I can't get It together. I just can't. I've tried. A lot of everything for almost 6-ish years now, being dead-tired, overwhelmed and anxious. I don't do It on purpose and I hate being dead weight but this Is just the best i can do right now. Sometimes none of the things I try work. And I end up where i am right now, sick, dead tired and with a test tomorrow. Wish me luck. I'll probably survive. 🤧

I am sixteen years old. I am a woman. I am writing this becuase I need to get it out, and IIWIARS is the only place that does not pretend to care. This happened at school, in a hallway that smells like cleaner and boredom. A guy I liked said I was an ugly fat girl. He did not whisper. He did not laugh. He said it like a fact, like he was reading attendance. I stood there and nodded, which still annoys me. I went to class and took notes. I underlined dates. I answered questions. Inside, something cracked and stayed cracked. I am not here to beg for comfort. I am here to state what happened and what it did. Words are not harmless. They sit on you. They weigh more than backpacks. 😐

I liked him in a quiet way. I watched how he spoke to teachers and how he tapped his pencil. I imagined conversations that never happened. That part is on me. The part where he decided my body was public property is on him. He looked me up and down, slow and lazy, and then said it. Ugly. Fat. Girl. Three words, clean and sharp. People nearby heard it and pretended not to. That is how school works. Silence is the dress code. I walked away without crying. That seems brave, but it was just shock. I cried later, alone, and felt stupid for doing it. Do you know how fast confidence leaves when someone names you like that?

I am not pretending to be neutral about it. I am angry. I am also tired. I am aware of my body. I live in it. I know its shape, its limits, its hunger. I am not blind. I am also not broken. His comment did not reveal a truth. It revealed his need to feel larger. People say boys are immature, like that excuses anything. It does not. At sixteen, you know enough to be kind or cruel. He chose cruel. I chose silence. I am still deciding if that was a mistake. It is wierd how one sentence can replay itself all day, louder each time. 😡

I am writing this in a formal way on purpose. Clear sentences help me breathe. This is not a dramatic story. It is common. It happens alot. Girls learn early that their value is negotiable. Boys learn early that opinions can be weapons. Teachers say ignore it. Friends say he is insecure. Both statements can be true and still useless. I did not ask for advice. I did not ask for approval. I am stating that being called ugly and fat changes how you walk into rooms. It changes mirrors. It changes lunch. It changes how you hear laughter behind you. I am definately not pretending it rolled off me. 💔

If you are reading this, ask yourself something simple. Have you ever reduced someone to a label just to feel powerful? Have you ever stayed quiet when you could have spoken? I am sixteen. I am a woman. I am learning how to exist in an enviroment that judges before it listens. I do not hate him. I do not forgive him either. I am balanced enough to say both. This is not a victory speech. It is a record. Ugly fat was what he said. This is what I say back, calmly and clearly, in my own words.

ok so basically i have this friend lets call her Elsie and we have been friends for 7 years and in drama we were partners and she also does acting classes outside of school and she thinks that she knows better when she doesn’t and she is bringing the stuff she learnt from her acting classes into drama at school and its ruining our friendship and our friendship group. So basically one of Elsie and I’s school building burnt down so we are having online school and we just had a drama call and she went behind my back and said to our teacher she wanted to be with somebody new and we have been over it before a couple of days ago where she started berating me in public and not only was our friend with us but also two girls from our drama class who aren’t our friends and when i told her to stop she didn’t and just said and i quote “these are your consequences, so deal with them when it wasn’t even my fault because the original group we were with weren’t at school most of the time and only showed up to one lesson so miss told us to just do a scene us to from midsummers night dream, and she was all moody about it that whole lesson at me i might add for something that wasn’t my fault. And i explained my feelings about the interaction and i said it politely and nicely i said and i quote “Hey elsie I am sorta mad and upset about what happened today it was also embarrassing and humiliating can u pls not do it next time” and she responded with excuses and i will quote what she said as a reply “I get that today was embarrassing for you. I just wanted to say that certain situations in class really impact me and stress me out.” I then proceeded to call her and she didn’t pick up and was sorta avoiding me she then responded to my calls over text and the text said “And rn calls stress out a lot” i then replied with “ Sorry I didn't mean to bombard u it was embarrassing and I can't choose anyone else because nobody would want me so u are the only safe option for me” i then responded with “ I do love working with you but it requires a lot of my mental health and Because under too much stress I can faint actually due to my cptsd freeze mode“ then today after i explained my feelings she goes and tells miss she wants to change groups and be with a new person. And i get i can’t stop her but it hurt and i complain to my friend who’s next to me and she takes my side. but when i message my group chat and tell them my other friend Kate takes Elsie’s side and reply’s to my ranting/venting with this long as paragraph about how i am in the wrong and she says “ look, I’m considering both your perspectives and I understand but the remaining factor is that Elsie feels that it’s time to change partners, and have you considered that she may be moody because you were treating her like your only “safe” option (basically undermining her) and that if she wants to work with someone else, it is not your right to be upset at her for that because it is her decision you have to respect at the end of the day. Telling her to stay with you because no one else would pick you is the wrong way to go about this whole thing because I know it makes Elsie feel less important and Elsie told me that friendships shouldn’t be involved in school work and I agree with her because that’s what started this whole thing in the first place. If you’re upset at her for being moody while you guys were partners, then why are you still insisting on staying together? She has been considering your feelings and I get that this is hard for you but it’s your turn to consider hers. i just don’t understand if you’re so annoyed at her acting like that why would you want her as a partner anyway.” And i haven’t responded cause i am still pissed off and really hurt because i have considered her feelings and i have talked about my feelings and they haven’t considered how i am feeling and why i am so hurt. Like if i was in Elsie’s spot i would have done it for her and stayed with her because if i wanted to work with someone else i would understand why she would want to be with me and i wouldn’t let her work alone or with someone else who she doesn’t know and it feels like she doesn’t care about my feelings or perspective and kate clearly isn’t seeing both perspectives and I am genuinely confused about how i am undermining my friend and i am so done cause this isn’t the first time Elsie’s got mad at me for no reason.

okay so im an immigrant and i emigrated to Ireland. I have an Irish friend and me and my other friend, who's half Dutch, were talking about the racism that immigrants have to deal with. then my Irish friend comes up to us and starts annoying us while we were in the middle of a deep talk. when we tell her to stop, she says to just continue our conversation, except she will join in. I was already really ticked off and I got really angry so I told her that she wouldnt understand because shes not like me and my other friend (i know that sounds really bad, but we made up after that). after that, she walked away and started writing in her notebook. (she didnt know that we were talking about racism and immigrants dealing with racism btw) so then I went up to her and I told her that it sounded really bad out of context and that I didnt mean it. she wrote 'you did' in her notebook. then she started walking back to where me and my other friend were sitting and I followed her. she started saying about how she did understand bc her mom left her when she was 4. then she sat down with us and I told her that I only said that because me and my other friend were both from different countries, so we would understand the racism that we face in Ireland more than she would. then she went on a rant about her mother leaving her and about how her mom moved to England, so she understands being from a different country, even though she is Irish. after that I changed the subject and then she started saying the different ways that she would kill her mom if she found her and also saying that she would kill her 5 year old half sister if she could. it was just a really uncomfortable conversation. me and my friend still listened to her though, because we didnt want to make her upset.

Hey its me you might have seen my earlier posts yeah... they kind of fell through so I'm now a girl and lesbian and all that yay! It's not funny but the guy you liked so much now whenever you hear his voice or watch him do something you used to thought was funny you actually feel repulsed... Anyway that's not the point of this I really want to go to a all girls academy I go to school with boys but everything else it is with girls and I sent an email and everything and hopefully they send back. I missed the main deadline but I can still apply so I'm trying...

But I don't know cause I honestly hate the school I'm at now and when I told my best friend of 5 years I wanted to move school he doesn't even care he isn't even worried none of my friends care they can make me laugh but I feel when I need something it doesn't matter to them they don't care. I literally sat at my lunch table talking to no one. No one tried to make conversation my friend said once are you okay I said I guess then I was the one who had to make the conversation. But it's not like they aren't happy there off skipping and yelling and laughing with each other I'm just the one they don't care about anymore. Yeah I guess i'll miss marching band and I wont be a section leader but honestly I will live with other girls with my own phone doing whatever I want I will finally be a cheerleader like I've always wanted to be but I didn't want to join because I hated most of the girls on the cheer team. Not all though some of them are so sweet, but most are judgmental. I will have my own phone which I have never had before I'll be able to die my hair. Have a job, wear what I want during my free time. But the school is a private school so super expensive so I'm trying to get full scholarship. Yeah sometimes I'm sad thinking about moving and everything but like if I don't get accepted I don't know what I'm gonna do. I will not be able to stand another year at this school. I wanna be accepted for who I am.

So many people at my school are homophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, (sorry I don't know if I spelled that its basically hatred and fear of Jewish people). They also make fun of people who are suicidal, they make fun of furies, not even just furies like if you like cosplay they make fun of you for that. Also my school is super poor the school is horrible, food, horrible teachers some of them are okay but... I just don't know anymore should I move schools or should I stay...

Thanks for listening!❤

Our career day is tomorrow. Evb already knows what they want. They have their future planned out, see themselves in their better version. I don’t know what I want. I feel so left behind. My passions doesn’t do well financially. They’ll only tell me the choose the better option. I don’t even see myself past where I am now. I only see one solution. To anyone who’ll ever read this, please don’t feel bad for me. I just need someone to hear what I’m going through ❤️‍🩹

i don’t really know why i’m writing this but whatever. i’m a guy and school sucks and i suck in it too. evry day i wake up and my body is just there, like heavy and annoying, and i already know what’s coming. i look fat. i look ugly. i know people say looks don’t matter but they do, becuase in school they do. i put on clothes that don’t even feel right and i still feel gross. when i walk to school i keep thinking maybe today nobody will say anything. that never happens. it’s stupid i even hope. do you ever hope for something you already know won’t happen, just because you’re tired?

at school everyone acts like they’re comedians and i’m the joke. they don’t even whisper it, they just say it. fat. ugly. big guy. some kid called me “before picture” once and people laughed like it was the smartest thing ever said. i just stood there like an idiot. in class people stare at my stomach when i sit down, like it’s some science project. a girl told her friend i look like i smell bad. i don’t even smell bad. teachers hear stuff and just keep teaching like nothing happened, which is honestly worse. i feel like i’m not even a person there, just something to point at. why is it so easy for thier mouths to run?

i try to pretend i don’t care, like yeah sure whatever, but i care a lot. i stopped talking unless i have to. i stopped answering questions. i sit in the back and hope nobody notices when i breathe. gym class is hell. i make excuses not to change because i don’t want people seeing my body, even for two seconds. once someone slapped my stomach and laughed and said it jiggles. i wanted to disappear. i think about that a lot actually. i think about everything a lot. my brain doesn’t shut up. do you also replay dumb moments in your head forever or is that just me being wierd?

sometimes i tell myself i’ll lose weight and everything will be fixed, like it’s a video game or something. but then i see thinner guys still getting messed with and i think maybe it’s just my face, or my vibe, or my existence. i eat when i feel bad, then i feel worse because i ate, which is really smart, i know. people joke about me eating all the time even when i’m not eating. i could be drinking water and someone will say “of course you are.” it doesn’t even have to make sense. somtimes i start thinking maybe i deserve it, which is messed up but my brain goes there anyway. you ever start believing the stuff people say even when you know it’s cruel?

i don’t know how this ends. i don’t think there’s a big lesson here. i just feel tired and heavy and embarrassed all the time. i wonder if people will ever forget me or if i’ll just be “that fat ugly guy” forever in their memories. i wonder if i’ll ever look at myself and not immediately feel bad. maybe some of you reading this were like the people making jokes. maybe you didn’t mean it. maybe you forgot about it five minutes later. i didn’t. i still don’t. does it ever actually get better or do you just stop expecting it to?

High school is supposed to be the best years of your life, right? Well, not for me. I'm 17 and if there's one thing I've figured out so far, it's that I really don't like people..... I'm not even trying to be rude or anything, it's just a simple observation!!

It's like, everywhere I turn, there's someone doing stuff that just gets on my nerves. Take school, for example... ugh, don't even get me started. It's like a never-ending drama scene. Cliques everywhere, people pretending to be someone they're not, gossip flying around like confetti at a parade. How can anyone enjoy being around that? Like, really. And don't get me started on the teachers!!! They're supposed to be guiding us, but half the time, it seems like they don't even care. I feel like I'm just another number to them, rather than a real person with real thoughts and feelings. Then there's my family. They mean well, I guess, but it always feels like they just don't understand me or want to understand me. Like, I'm just there, the moody teenager who's around but not really involved; know what I mean? My parents ask me the same questions every day; "How was school?" "Do you have homework?" It's the same ol' routine and it feels like we're just going through the motions. My siblings are younger, and while they're okay sometimes, other times they're just annoying. They don't mean to be, I know, but still. Living with other people is tough, you get me? And then there are the neighbors, those people who live near you but you barely know them.

Our neighborhood is filled with all types of characters, and honestly, they're mostly just noisy and nosy and always trying to know too much about our business. It's like they have nothing better to do than watch other people's lives unfold! It's kinda creepy if you ask me. My friend's parents are the worst, though. It's like they're constantly judging, comparing, and acting all high and mighty. And I can't get away from them because they're always around when I go over to hang out with my friend. It makes me wonder if adults ever stop and really think, like, why are they so extra all the time?! I feel stuck sometimes because it feels like nobody gets it or wants to get it. Like, I'm trapped in this world full of people just doing things that bug me... where's the escape button on life, right? And I know that sounds dramatic, but man, that's just how I feel. Maybe it's just me being young and thinking I know everything, but it honestly feels like everyone around me is just in their own world, and I'm just trying to find mine. I mean, does anyone else feel like that? It sometimes gets me to question if there's something wrong with me, like, am I the odd one out because I'm not fitting into this chaos. I'd rather be alone most of the time because at least when I'm by myself, I can think straight. Some people like to say that you only grow up and realize high school wasn't as bad as it seemed, but is that really true??? Can't say I'm buying that just yet. They say you'll find your people eventually, that you'll connect with someone who just gets you. But I'm like, when? Because so far, that's not been my experience. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, but even with them, sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions. Do you ever feel like you're just playing a role you're not even sure you like? It's all so tiring.

Social media doesn't help either; it's just another platform for people to play their games and put on their masks. I don’t know, maybe I just need to find a different perspective, or perhaps it's just the people near me that make me feel this way, who knows? It's a small world in my head, but the real world feels way too big and complex sometimes. So here I am, venting about how I just don't like people. It's not all people, but a lot of people, and it's not all the time, but it sure feels like it most of the time. Does that make sense? It's hard being 17 and feeling like you're just wandering through the maze of life with no real direction. Maybe one day, it'll all click, and I won't feel like an alien in my own skin, but until then, I guess I'll just have to navigate this craziness in my own way. Can anyone relate to how confusing it is trying to understand not just everyone else, but yourself too?! It's like one big mathematical equation that just doesn't add up. Here's hoping that maybe, just maybe, high school is the problem and not me. Or is it hopeful thinking? Who knows...