School Stories

PS. This isn't techically a "school story". The category options are annoyingly specific so I just chose a random one..

I have less than two years before I graduate highschool and I still don't know which university to apply to. Everytime I think of the future I get anxious. I don't even know if I'm gonna get the types of jobs I planned for and I haven't gotten other options. Then there's my mental health. I fear whatever mental issue I'm dealing with is gonna worsen in adulthood and I'm still too terrified to get a therapist. I can't tell my friends about my fear cause they won't understand (I told them once on Snapchat and one of them straight up told me to "stop bitching about it and just go do something". I just deleted the messages and cried.)

I'm also not yet comfortable telling my parents. (I wanna tell mom but she's pissed right now and I'm scared to go downstairs cause It'll be awkward.)

Part of me wants to just end it so I don't embarrass myself in the future.

I don't wanna see the comments honestly I'm just venting for no reason.

A few days ago there was a noticed from a school web site for trip. The condition was that to get prioritezed you needed to have good grades or have a hight level english. I have a really high level english and my grades are ok, lower than last year but still ok. I was thinking of trying It but then i talked with my friend who has even lower grades and she was really negative and started saying that we probably wouldn't get selected bc there were other with higher grades than us that It wasn't even worth trying. In the end only One other girl form my class went and had even lower grades than me but still got selected. So i Just wasted an oppurtinity bc i was insecure when i could've gotten selected and now i feel so stupid.

The worst part Is that It's not even the first time this year ( bc of insecurety and some other mental health issues) and now i feel like such an idiot for wasting oppurtinities like this.

The past few days It's been a bit harder to follow through with my habits and i haven't made much progress. And i felt stupid for messing everything up again. The past 2 days i've been trying to get back on track a bit. ( I've been Trying my best not to doomscroll and replacing with sketching + trying to reach my step count)

But not really sure If i'm getting anywhere with that. The first month of summer Is over and i'm not sure If i made any real progress. Or if maybe i'm doing well enough. Or fast enough. Or i'm doing the wrong things. Or Maybe i'm not even worth trying to fix stuff to begin with. I kept having dumb arguements with her the past few days one after the other. Honestly i feel like she does It on purpose sometimes. And i tried to ignore It, i try to make my day better and cheer myself up and be positive but i think she's right. I am selfish. I am stupid. And It's true that I can't really care about anything. I ruin and waste everything every single time no matter how much i try and want to treasure It. She's right. I'm just like him and i'm a bad person. There's really no point in trying to change anything if i'm evil to begin with.

It’s been 2 weeks since classes started and I’ve just been bombarded with activities, tests, more tests, group activities, quizzes and even more quizzes!

Im so overwhelmed, like wdym i need to manage 8 groups in 8 subjects? I don’t wanna have that responsibility.

Home is supposed to be the rest place right? FUCK NO. At home im asked to do chores, tasks and manage 5 animals?? ARENT THOSE YOUR PETS?? Why did they suddenly become mine?

“You barely do anything at home!” DAWG?? IM TOO OVERWHELMED TO DO ANYTHING. I NEED TO SCHEDULE WHAT SUBJECTS TO DO FIRST BECAUSE OF THIS DAMN CURRICULUM.

I HOPE that I’ll eventually get used to this fuckass schedule because im so close to genuinely jumping

Anyways! Byes 😛

So it's summer and the past few school year i have been really burnt out. I got very little sleep, I could barely get out bed i was often overwhelmed and stressed out and i didn't know what to do. There are so many things I want to do this summer with the base line of wanting to improve myself and get out of burnt out. But i didn't really know how to do that. Still don't tbh. So i tried to put some good habits in my routine (waking up naturaly, no screens untill after breakfast, going to bed at around 23 or so, having breakfast outside.) And in the last few days i tried to slowly add a few more like reaching my step count and reading just a few pages before bed. And a i tried 'studying' the pages i've read (basically like i would've If It was school material) and It was actually pretty relaxing + i found It interessing and i wanted to. But somedays, like today i didn't do anything in particular. My sleep Is getting troubled again and i've been going to bed a little later and waking up early and not being able to go back to sleep and Just feeling really panicky and anxious and barely being able to breathe. Like right now. It's 7:45 am and i can't go back sleep. I'm tired and sleepy, everything feels upsetting and too much even going back to sleep Is too hard, i'm too restless and anxious. But i don't know what to do about It. It just feels so horrible because I felt like this, this tired, this stuck, this horrible and anxious for years now. Around 5 year specifically. During and outside school time. And i was getting excited because I thought that It was finally over that this was finally It and that I was finally making progress but i am not. I'm still waking up like this and crying in the middle of the night and i this feel just as bad and i Just feel so stupid because i don't know what Is wrong with me. I've told to talk about, with a loved one maybe, preferably with a professional. I can't quite do either. I tried bringing It up to loved one but they shot me down before i could even finish. And just blamed It on my period. (This happened years ago btw) For the record, This has been going on everyday for 5 years. I know It's not my period. And i'm scared that If i insist It and at the very try to explain the problem will spark an arguement. Or that they'll use It against me. (I'm sure they will.) + Honestly i think they'll just say "It's Just the weather" or "you're too young to have these problems." Like yeah. Cool. I know. How the f. do i solve It then. Help me for f sake. Anyway. As for talking to a professional, that might even be harder. Cause i doubt i could find said professional in the first place. I did try once. I found a therapist that was doing extra hours at my school for some extra money. I brought It up to her. Multiple times. Tried explaining It as clearly as i could. But she Just dismissed It. And It was clear she didn't care. There might. MIGHT be a chance i could maybe find someone else? Somehow. But i doubt i will. I'll try at least. But i'm not sure. I don't see It happening. I'm so tired of this. It's been going on for too long. I just want to feel normal again. Everything Is too much, too tiring, too loud, too bright, too early. And i honestly lost any real enjoyment in everything. Even in things I liked. I can barely sleep right at night cause i either wake up like this or have a lot of nightmares during the night. I've read that sometimes It's about figuring out if you're being true yourself ig? Like if you're actually doing what you really wanted to. If you're actually fullfilling you're 'true desires' and sticking with your values and what truly matters TO YOU or whatever. honestly. Right now? Of the top of my head? No. I'm not. This isn't the school i wanted to go to. This isn't what i wanted to do. This isn't what i wanted to study. And i lie to my family about my true 'goals' after i'm done with school bc i know they'll judge and won't approve. I'm ok-ish in this. But i don't really like It. I didn't really want to do this. And i consired changing multiple times. But It's too late now. So i just gotta finish It. Tbh, i knew i would hate this and regret this when i started years ago. But It's what my family wanted me to do. And i couldn't bring myself to say no. I'm not saying that If I was in another school everything would have been different and miraculously i would've been cured. Maybe i would've hated It too. Maybe i would've felt just as bad there. But at least it would've been my choice. Or maybe i'm Just stupid and all this Is useless. Idk. I Just want to feel better.

So it's summer and the past few school year i have been really burnt out. I got very little sleep, I could barely get out bed i was often overwhelmed and stressed out and i didn't know what to do. There are so many things I want to do this summer with the base line of wanting to improve myself and get out of burnt out. But i didn't really know how to do that. Still don't tbh. So i tried to put some good habits in my routine (waking up naturaly, no screens untill after breakfast, going to bed at around 23 or so, having breakfast outside. And in the last few days i tried to slowly add a few more like reaching my step count and reading just a few pages before bed. And a i tried 'studying' the pages i've read (highlighting and making notes mostly) just cause, no real big reason just cause i found It interessing and i wanted to. And to be fair, It felt good. I felt really good. But today, i didn't do anything in particular. And i woke up at 5 am feeling restless and anxious and like i couldn't breathe. It's currently June the 24th, 6 am, i can't sleep anymore, i feel like i can't breathe tight, everything feels upsetting and too much even going back to sleep Is too hard, but i don't know what to do about It. It just feels so horrible because I felt like this, this tired, this stuck, this horrible and anxious for years now. During and outside school time. And i was getting excited because I thought that It was finally over that this was finally It and that I was finally making progress but i am not. I'm still waking up like this and crying in the middle of the night and i this feel just as bad and i Just feel so stupid because i don't know what Is wrong with me.

This morning I checked my class group chat and a guy in my class called Thomas got and admin to remove me because I posted a gif of a Dalek witch my friend had also done. The admin who removed me called Ellis has voiced how Thomas has pissed him off but he calls me gay so I’m not surprised that he removed me. But more about Thomas. He is just a bully he targets this guy called Nathan in my class. Thomas has repeatedly told me “shut up you’re not funny” when I posted a video of that drug abuse is the new slavery PSA but when he saw it in school he chuckled but there’s more about Thomas in the first semester he slide tackled my friend and my friend started crying (Thomas is taller and bigger than my friend) and Thomas is just generally annoying. Sorry if this is a mess

In my country there are different kinds of curriculum that you study at school, so I studied the full English syllabus. One of my professors got to know about this a few days ago and from that day he started to act weird. He randomly asked me in a mocking tone if I knew about a specific topic ( our syllabus literally covered more than whatever he is teaching ) then at lab he lashed out on me by saying “didn’t you study english curriculum, then why the hell is your english like this”, basically I’m new to the whole lab report thing so I’m still figuring it out by myself as there was no guidance so I mistakenly wrote it in present tense instead of past tense.

He said this in front of the entire class, in front of everyone. Obviously I’m going to give my all and improve but there were many other people who did similar mistakes or got lower marks but he didn’t say anything to them.

I don’t know, like scold me for my mistakes I’ll understand but continuously mocking me/insulting me because I studied a different curriculum is just…….. bad. I am probably overreacting and overthinking about this.

Is anyone else scared of what's waiting after high school??? I’m 17, and it feels like every day the pressure gets heavier. My teachers treat me like I’m invisible or like I’m already a lost cause. When I try to ask for help, they either don’t care or act like I’m stupid. One teacher literally said, “You need to start acting like an adult,” when I forgot a homework deadline—and I just stood there thinking: how? No one’s showing me how. Other students don’t make it easier. I don’t fit in, I never have. Group projects? Hell. Presentations? Worse. It’s like I’m watching everyone else pass me by while I’m stuck behind this wall I don’t know how to climb. My grades reflect it all. I try, I honestly do, but the more I fail, the less I believe trying makes a difference. “You need better time management,” they say, but how do you manage time when your brain won’t even let you breathe properly during a test? It’s like school has become this constant performance where I'm always getting the worst reviews.

And after school? What then??? I’m supposed to figure out what I want to do with my life when I can’t even survive one normal week without breaking down? I see people applying to universities, making LinkedIn profiles, talking about internships like they’re already halfway to some successful career... Meanwhile, I’m Googling “what jobs can you get with bad grades.” I’ve looked into vocational programs, but even those say things like “applicants must demonstrate motivation and focus.” What if I don’t have that yet? What if all I have is fear??? People keep throwing around words like “gap year” and “self-discovery,” but that just sounds like stalling to me. Isn’t adulthood supposed to come with stability? Direction? I feel like I’m walking toward a cliff, not a future. My mom says, “You’ll figure it out,” but what if I don’t?? What if I’m one of those people who just never figures it out? It’s hard to stay hopeful when all I see are closed doors and people who seem to have keys I don’t.

Maybe this is just part of growing up. Maybe everyone feels this way at some point; but why does no one say it out loud then? I read somewhere, “Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others,” and I think about that a lot. Like, was I naïve to think life would feel more solid at this point? Is adulthood just pretending you’re not scared all the time?? I keep wondering if I’m broken or just behind, if this is temporary or permanent. People talk about resilience and mindset, but they don’t talk about how exhausting it is to build those things while drowning. I don’t want to give up—seriously, I don’t—but what if I already have and just haven’t admitted it? Does anyone else feel like they’re being pushed into the future with no idea what they're doing? Because I do. And I don’t think that’s something a motivational quote is going to fix.

Hi, call me sumaya. i have been struggling with my mh since year7, my teachers dont listen to me and i feel like that no one likes me and there is no point to life, i have been cutting and cutting and i js feel like doing it even if im 1month clean. i js hate my life and i always get bullied and teachers always think i "i kick off" well no, i am at my breaking point and all of the teachers dont like me and i js hate me, my timeout pass got taken away and all my support is going down the drain. and my wellebing is all scenes when it isnt. if its other ppl they mollycoddle them and i js wanna be loved and have friends and leave that skl.. i wanna be alone./ i have no friends and no one likes me. i am a nobody.

yo, i'm here for the first time here... and I have a question: why does it feel like nobody likes me?? like seriously, what's wrong with me? i'm 17 and it's freaking impossible to find people who actually want to be around me. in school, i'm just sitting there, invisible, while all these cliques and groups are laughing and having fun. i try to join, but they just look at me like i have three heads. it's not like i'm an alien or something! why is it so hard to just have someone like me for once??

so i thought, maybe school isn't for me, maybe i can find people outside of there, you know?? so i joined some sports clubs and tried to get involved. figured maybe the people there would appreciate my effort. guess what?! same damn story!!! doesn't matter if it's soccer, basketball, chess, whatever, it's like i'm cursed or something. like, what the hell am i doing wrong?? do i smell or something?!? it's like no matter where i go, i'm always the outsider. 🤦‍♂️

i keep thinking, maybe it’s my personality… but seriously, is it?!? like, I think I'm a decent person, ya know? it's not like i'm some jerk or always complaining (even though i am right now), but really... i just wanna understand why people can't seem to like me. and don’t even get me started on social media! people only like my stuff just 'cause they feel bad for me, i swear!!! it's like pity likes or something... maybe it's just better to be alone than fake liked, right?

how can people be so damn picky? are they looking for some perfect friend?? well guess what, i'm not perfect, okay! no one is. sometimes, i think that everyone’s just wearing these masks, pretending to be something they’re not, just to fit in. but maybe that's really what it takes... maybe i should just pretend to be someone i'm not to get people to like me??? sounds dumb, right??? but then again, isn't that what everyone else is doing too?!

anyways, i'm just tired of trying, you know?? i'm tired of giving my 100% and still coming up short. maybe it's just me after all… or maybe it's them. who knows?? all i know is i'm done bending over backwards for people who clearly don't appreciate it. feels like i'm just stuck in this never-ending loop of feeling unwanted. 😒 like, why don't people like me... ever??? is there something wrong with me or is the world just messed up?? ugh, questioning everything is exhausting... does anyone else feel this way too??

“So you think being a lesbian is worse than being a rapist?“ was not something I wanted to hear in the first 10 minutes of class.

But I keep my head up, and laugh when something funny happens because what else can I do?

I can act like it doesn’t matter.

Who are you to me anyway?

But no one says anything

and the words keep coming like waves crashing onto the shore

“Who even cares about the LGBT community anyway?“

“Why are you so gay?“

“just put the boy or girl on the website, the other ones are too complicated“

Petty jokes that flaunt your obvious queerphobia like a trophy.

And I know the teachers are trying their best

But I’m so tired of them changing the subject

“Just let it go!“

“I’m okay with it, but sheesh.“

You get a slap on the wrist so they don’t have to actually deal with the problem

Everytime it gets okay enough for me to feel good for once

I get hit with something like “Homosexuality is a sin!“ or “isn’t it some sort of disease?“

which is so easy for someone straight like you to say

Who’s questioned skipping class because you can’t handle another trumpie telling you how to exist

Who’s never questioned who the right person to tell about your crush is because you don’t know how they’ll react

Who’s never had someone get up and run away from you after you told them about your sexuality

Who’s never had a friend say “I don’t talk to lesbians because I’m worried they’ll like me!“ behind your back.

No one’s blackmailed you for being straight.

No one’s said you’ve betrayed the opposite sex.

You’ve never spent a birthday party sitting next to some girl trying to convince you you’re too pretty for this “lifestyle.“

You’ve never sat there and taken all the comments and rude gestures while you talk to a person of the opposite sex because you’re too scared to tell them the truth.

You’re not sick.

You’re not a sinner.

And you don’t have to deal with the consequences of your actions

Because you have queer friends!

You get a free pass!

You were just kidding!

And everyone believes you.

What do they care?

It’s not about them anyway

I’ve spent too much time pretending not to hear you

or that you meant something else

I’m not asking for much

But you don’t need to look at at through the lense of your religion

You don’t need to look at us through the lense of being less

You just need to look at us the same way that you look at people

Your fellow humans

All I ask is too be humanized

Is that too much?

I stand I front of myself in the mirror, tears blurring the vision of the dress I tried on. It was a looser fit than before, but not lose enough. The contents of my stomach always emptied not so long after meals, lost somewhere in the pipes that rest beneath my house. And I stare at my bruised frame, cursing myself for the damage I am causing to myself. All because the only thing I want to feel is pretty. I make myself sick because I know this is all wrong. I know because it is only reassurance that I have gained over the years. Yes i’m aware I need to come to terms with my body, love myself unconditionally and all that, but I don’t. I can’t.

This is my first time doing something like this and probably the only time I only ever talk to myself when I feel down I'm in high school and I've always been the "lone wolf" that one quiet and calm kid you might see sketching or climbing a tree I don't talk much and people know me I know people but I'm not really friends with anybody I've only got one friend will call here 'Po' and lately things just feel different and off I'm not as happy as I used to be seeing them and it's probably just me so I event brought it up I'm so fed up with everything I can't vent to anyone and Po is my only friend and she's got more than enough of her own problems on her plate plus a lot from other people we're both 'therapist friends' if you will I often find myself fixing other people's lives only for them to completely ditch me months or weeks later feels like rescuing an injured animal as soon as their healed up they leave you Po vents to me about how draining it is to be around people who are depressed and down not in a mean way I get it it is draining and she's referring to her girlfriend who is also going through some stuff Po get seasonal depression and it's mid winter where I am I don't have any other friends or even people to talk to I've got a little sister who's much younger then me so why would I vent to her and honestly I wouldn't trust her either my parents aren't a option and I don't know where else to vent I'm the one who fixes everything what happens when I'm not doing great? witch I haven't been for awhile I just wish I could disappear everything is so stressful and the only thing keeping me going is drawing I'm sick of everything else my friendship with Po feels just feels empty she's moving in a few months and if you asked me last year in January I would have said there's no way we would grow apart and our friendship would totally be fine but now I'm not so sure and I can't lose her but it doesn't feel right anymore and anytime I think of venting to her she ends up telling me about how someone just vented to her and how she's glad that I feel like a breath of fresh air I'm not sure what to do my body image issues have been getting worse I find myself using the alphabet trick to stop me from crying at least several times a day and I'm not sure what to do I feel dead inside and I quit soccer which I've been doing for seven years I'm going to quit a sewing classes I've been in for four years and I'm so incredibly guilty for feeling like this when everyone else is doing bad too I just want it to go away I can't do this anymore I don't want to be the loner who's fine with never hanging out or sitting by myself and enjoying my own company 24/7 I don't trust people because I had bad trust issues before especially with older people when I was younger it took me 4 years to trust this lady and two days after I did and let my guard down it blow up right in my face and I haven't seen them in three years and honestly I don't want to I still can't believe that it felt like I got kicked when I was already down and I don't think I'm ever going to recover from that since I told myself it would be fine and having trust issues isn't healthy so I decided to trust someone and then it backfired spectacularly I don't feel like eating or doing anything I just want it to stop I hate this so much and I wish I could just be normal I'm stressed about everything I feel like I'm going mental and I'm so dissociated from life it's not even funny I'm probably gonna regret ever writing and ranting about this even though it's just on the internet where nobody knows who I am thank you for lending me an ear there is a high chance of spelling mistakes in this since I'm writing this down so quickly but genuinely thank you I'm not looking for sympathy I just really need to get this off my chest to anyone will to read

For context, I am a 7th grade student, just adding this because it adds more depth to the story. In class today, my friend told me when I bent over to see what my friend was doing on her desk which was right next to mine, my friend told me (who was near by my desk and Joeys) a boy behind me (Joey) was staring at me; in the wrong places. I sat back down after my friend said that, kinda disturbed but was paranoid if it really did happen. I stood up again, and did it again just to test the waters which was obviously a bad idea. I think I caught him staring, but I’m not exactly sure. I’m not exactly an attractive girl and this boy is innocent and really stupid (there’s clearly girls in that class which was more attractive than me) which leaves me to doubt what that he did it. You know that thing where you kneel on your chair? My female friend next to me did it and I think he stared again.

It made me feel uncomfortable, but for some reason seriously doubt he did it, am I paranoid?