Assimilation is the correct word, not self sabotage

So, when you were 13, did you ever feel left out? Like, you couldn't fit it anywhere, and even your parents never got you? Yeah, I feel it now. I have been alone as a kid for 7 years now (so it means when I was 6-13, I'm alone), because I now feel like my friend was a person who took advantage of my angry self back then by ripping my drawings, blaming it on another guy, and I lash out on him. What happened was that I was with the girls of the second half of my grade, and some were playing basketball, I chose the cricket group, since I was most familiar with. And when we were given the balls, I didn't get paired up and I didn't mind, so I practiced throwing on a wall and catching. I took one round of the court, and I saw my old friends talk with their new friends, and I was like I was invisible. Then I asked the coach for me to bat, since I'm good at it, and he said I can once the girl currently batting goes out. So I waited, she didn't go out, and I took one glance of my old friends, and I cried in a corner where I was alone. I wanted someone to help me, but my mind said it was only in some fantasy, ideal world that this can happen, and I cried more cus I felt so stupid. I had never had a real friend for 7 years now. Then the girl got out, but another confidently came, and I curled up even more. And even when I got out of court for 10 minutes, the coach only noticed I was gone by the END of the lesson. I think mine was one of those awkward dumb PE moments in middle school, where my dumb emotions just made it worse than the pebble it is. Maybe copying people will garner me friends. My mom told me the reason I didn't know how to properly talk to people was because I only had my brother with me, I don't have a large circle of neighbors or kids, and my pessimism is bad. Me wanting to be saved is stupid, because again, I think it's only in an ideal world.

Even though my mom didn't like it when I was being pessimistic, she said it was saddening to her I think this way, it's true. My mom told me I can be in a group by observing them, understanding them, and slowly sliding in because I understand them more. And that as an adult, I can certainly meet more people who like what I like more than in school now. But what if she's wrong? My brother's "listen to them and be influenced by them" method seems quicker. But I can't meet anyone outside of school. Maybe the brother method may work. But in my school, they all are in a group, there's no one person alone. Just me. So what other option do I have but fit in and assimilate into them. Actually assimilating is the right word for it, not self-sabotage. Myself is already broken, so assimilating is fixing the broken condemned building and building a new one out of it, from a different real estate property. If foreign families manage to assimilate without dying, so can I. If my brother assimilated to fit in his group and they're together for 3 years now, so can I. I'm just a damaged condemned building. And if nobody makes a new building out of the mess, nobody will even dare to look at the house. I must assimilate, and its helped people in my school, from what I've seen in adults, and life. Nobody even likes drawings, or JoJo, or Ghostbusters, or Steven Universe, or gemstones, or fashion. Not in this day and age. Not even adults like my teachers or parents know anything. So that means in adulthood as well nobody will remember in 2040. Who even likes what I like anymore? Assimilation worked for immigrants, so much their kids even act like the country they live in, and they fit it. My parents only stayed Indian-ish in UAE because more Indians live here than locals. If I go to USA, I'll fake my accent, my nationality, my likes, interests and everything. You know what they say, fake it till you make it. I'm bad as a girl with eczema, a girl with braces, an Indian, I person who has niche interests nobody knows where I live, an accent which is close to sounding like USA, now all I gotta do is fake it til I make it. My real self is ugly, and the fake mask is prettier.

I'm not good. And while change is scary, it's important. So my brother's is the scariest, yet it's true. I can be lucky, keep the mask, and be a fake me. There's Momi, and there's whatever people call me, maybe Mary or Martha, since it's more normal (Momi isn't my real name, but you get it, right?) Martha is prettier, sweeter, more normal. She's more likely to be popular than the ugly, fat, moronic, ancient Momi.

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