HELP I just want to feel like myself again.
The story
To make the backstory as short as possible I’ll simplify. At 11 my dad died. At 13 I entered foster care. All was drug related. After being in care for a few months no one wanted me and they put me in a mental hospital which is normal for teens. They drugged us there to keep us high and quiet. I lived there for two years to get ripped from that life to a farm life of no pills, religion, and no time out of the house. I went to school, church, and back at home to clean, so once I left that one I was 17 and free to the world ( I graduated at 17) I immediately jumped relationship to relationship, introduced to drugs, and after having two miscarriages I started drinking my sorrows. After a year after this started I was pregnant with my first. Things didn’t go well with the father and I, he was abusive and a m37h addict. I had no clue until we were in a shitty trailer and all my money was gonna and I was stuck. I have no family, nothing. I ended up smoking weed my entire pregnancy and allowed my half brother to adopt him (I only contacted out of desperation he’s the only bit of my dad left) he and I don’t speak other than about the baby but that’s about it. Its always been tense. After this I fell pregnant again after three months postpartum with a guy that I really felt was different. I truly still love him and that’s what makes this so hard. He smoked weed and so did I. He couldn’t quit and I wanted to but there was so much that made me feel hated and unloved. Things started getting physical and we were in that same trailer which was all but a shack. After the birth of my daughter at six weeks early the relationship between me and everyone became tense. Since she was in the nicu only certain visitors could come in alone otherwise I’d have to be in there. During a visit with my bfs mom she kissed my daughter on the forehead who might I add was at the time having breathing issues and was not breathing on her own. She was just born too early and it would take some time. But unfortunately I would have to fight to get a chance to keep her since I smoked weed. I got clean for a few months but my drug tests said I was still smoking. Once they signed off my rights, I started smoking again because I felt there was no reason to try. I drank again. I gave up. Then something snapped in me. I got back to just weed and way less than normal. I’m getting close to quitting. Today however, almost a year since my daughters birth, my bfs mawmaw decided to throw new info my way and it felt very malice and no one seems to care that she said it at all. Including my boyfriend who still can’t get clean either. She said that my daughter might have cerebral palsy and it’s because I did drugs while pregnant. I’ve already blamed myself for the entire year about any issue she has as is. I’ve wanted to do better but that’s where I’m stuck too. I have no car, no license, barely a job, and my relationship feels very… one sided. Controlled. When I get close to feeling like I can just do it homeless, he loves me more. When I fully trust and love him and everything feels at its best, he gets abusive. I know the obvious answers but at this point how things are, his family has money and if I leave I’ll never know another thing about my daughter. Ever. If I stay, I hurt myself to be there for her in any way I can. Even to get just a picture every other month, it’s worth the hell I go through. Being a mother biologically is still an awful and wonderful feeling. I want to be better, but everyone around me tell me how much I do wrong and any time I open my mouth they say I’m making excuses, they yell at me. I feel like a little kid but in the hospitals again. Just like an orphan they can’t quite just not help but what they do is worse than not helping. I want to break free and change but the only way at this point is fully being homeless and losing all my belongings. I don’t know what I could ask for on advice or anything. I just need some reassurance that I’m some way it’ll all work out for the best.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Sounds like a wild ride there, and honestly, it's hard to sympathize with making those choices. 🤨 Can't really get behind all the blaming others when it could've been handled better. Life can throw curveballs, but it ain't an excuse for all that chaos. Gotta own up and push for better.
'Don't just go through life, grow through life.' Maybe think about getting help and breaking free for real. It might be tough, but there's always hope for change if you put your mind to it. Hang in there and steer the ship in a new direction. Good vibes for a fresh start.
ElectricOrangeAirHomunculusInCopenhagenWithDisappointment
1mo agowell i get that you're trying to offer some perspective but it's not as straightforward as it seems from the outside; sometimes the environment and lack of support really limit one's options it's true that taking responsibility is crucial yet it's equally essential to consider how systemic issues like lack of social support or mental health resources contribute to these struggles; many people in similar situations face institutional challenges that make positive change difficult the phrase 'grow through life' is meaningful but the process of growth is fraught with obstacles that are not easy to overcome plus assuming that seeking help is a clear-cut solution might overlook the complexities that come with it it's about striving for balance and acknowledging obstacles while advocating for change
Dude, I totally get it. Life can really screw you over sometimes. 😤 Been there myself, when nothing goes right and everyone tells you you're wrong. It's a nightmare! Gotta say, people just don't get it unless they've been through the system. It's not just as simple as stopping, just like that, right? 🤬
Like, seriously, I've been in messed-up relationships too. They just try to control you and make you feel like crap 24/7. You just gotta hang in there, and one day you'll find a way out. But damn, it's hard when you feel like the whole world is against you!
RIGHT! And knowing what the system can put my child through, my boyfriend’s family just never believes me. Never thinks I’m telling the truth. I’m always just “making excuses” I can’t even explain anything to anyone anymore. His mother has started just saying to everyone she can out loud every day in front of me that I just make excuses and to just ignore me and not talk to me. I’m fucking breaking here and don’t even have a way out anymore.