I am a single man and I have a big insecurity

I am a 20 year old man in university. I was raised in a religious household and wasn't allowed to date. Despite leaving my religion I have remained single due to the fact that I want to put my life together before getting into a relationship and also I have been struggling with my mental health for the past 2-3 years.

My mental health has improved in some areas however I am struggling with a huge insecurity related to women and it's caused me to become very depressed and suicidal. Just to clarify I don't hate women I just feel really confused and depressed.

A while back I came across many articles and studies that claim that straight women watch lesbian porn. So my question is why do so many "straight" women watch lesbian porn? None of the explanations I've heard make any sense at all and seem like excuses. As a straight man I don't get aroused by watching men kissing or sucking each other's cocks. If women don’t like straight porn because it’s too violent why don’t they watch straight porn that focuses on the woman’s pleasure? It’s not hard to find at all. I looked it up and there are plenty of sensual straight porn that focuses on the woman’s pleasure yet women choose to watch lesbian porn. Again I think the women who say they watch it because “it’s sensual and I like to imagine myself in the woman’s place” are just making excuses and are bisexuals or lesbians in denial. If I as a man said “I get turned on by watching two men kissing and sucking each other’s cocks but I’m 100% straight I just imagine myself in the man’s place” everyone would look at me like I’m crazy and rightfully so. As a straight man I don’t like to watch gay porn and I’m disgusted by it. I watch porn that only has women in it because I am 100% straight and I am not attracted to men at all. Yet women seem to prefer getting off to other women and make excuses that people believe.

I believe that little to no women on this planet are straight and the vast majority if not all are either lesbian, bisexual, or comphet (conditioned by society to be straight but deep down lesbian or bisexual).

I’m a straight man and I just want to be with a real straight woman who will love me the same way I love her and as much as I love her. I feel like this is not possible and it’s made me really depressed and suicidal.

Someone please help. If there are any truly straight women out there tell me this isn’t true and it’s just the internet. Or if not explain to me why so many “straight" women watch lesbian porn because I'm honestly confused.

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