My relationship with my mom has always been fraught with tension. During my teenage years, the emotional and mental abuse I endured was severe. Our arguments were a daily occurrence, propelled by her high expectations for me in both academics and sports like tennis. My effort was constantly scrutinized, and despite my diagnosis with ADD and being prescribed medication that helped me achieve straight A’s, she continued to criticize my effort level. Her controlling behavior even extended to monitoring my weight, scolding me for any gain, and sending me to various weight loss camps from a young age. One summer, she forced me into a counselor role at one of these camps, leaving me stranded when I needed transportation home after everyone else had quit.

The loss of my high school tennis coach, who was like a father figure to me, was a devastating blow during my freshman year. His unexpected death left me deeply saddened, but my mom’s insistence on maintaining perfect attendance at school prevented me from grieving. My mourning was dismissed by her as drug-related behavior, to the extent that she threatened to drug test me. Although she briefly acquiesced to group therapy, she soon pulled me out, disrupting my healing process. Her harsh words that God had taken my coach away because I didn’t value him enough are words that have scarred me deeply.

As our arguments escalated, I would often threaten to sever ties once I left for college, expressing in a letter that I didn't ever want my future children to suffer her influence. This led her to make significant improvements in her behavior. While our relationship has somewhat mended and she has shown attempts at rectifying her actions, occasional remarks and tensions still emerge during visits, though the relationship has improved markedly from my younger years.

Recently, my parents have been pressuring me about marriage and grandchildren, expressing a deep desire to become grandparents. Having been out of a relationship for three years and unsure about wanting children, my admission was met with disappointment and accusations of selfishness. My mother lamented their potential missed opportunity to be grandparents, suggesting my decision was an unfair punishment for her past behavior. Though her efforts to reform our relationship are evident, lingering feelings of resentment make me question my own desires regarding parenthood. The thought of denying her the chance to be a grandmother brings guilt, especially as it also affects my father who has been largely supportive.

It’s fascinating considering what might happen if my life were part of a reality show. Would the public sympathize with my difficult childhood and ongoing struggles, or would they judge my decisions and reluctance to forgive? Could the external pressure and audience opinions sway my personal decisions or would I hold my ground?

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting children because of my rocky past with my mom?

Would you consider having kids after living this?

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