Stuck in mommy issues jail
The story
Basically the title. I moved out recently and its like my brain stopped lying to itself that my past situation was "okay" and "thats just how family is". Now i am just so angry and sad and cant stop replaying the handful of memories my brain hasnt blocked and wondering how I could have prevented them from happening. Like if i was just better behaved, wasn't so stubborn and just kept my head done the treatment wouldn't have gotten worse. If I brought home the grades she wanted she wouldn't have had to remind me how much i burden her and that the least i could do is be a good kid. If I didn't let her find out I am lesbian she wouldn't have had to say that no daughter of hers is gay and then treat me the worst she ever had till I convinced her I liked men again. If i was just the daughter she wanted she wouldnt have had to hurt me, humiliate me, ignore me for so many years.
I just feel like its all my fault. She wouldn't have had to do that if I was good and I know thats true because she told me. She said she did what she did for my own good, "tough love" or that she was "preparing me for the real world" but to this day no one has made me feel so worthless other than her. But its my mom, so there has to be some truth to it right? she always said no one knew me like she knew me, and its why she had to do what she did. I just feel so broken and dirty, like something is wrong with me.
all ive wanted was for her to love me, for me to finally be perfect enough that she doesnt have to doubt me.
Ive spent almost all my life trying to prove my mom wrong and now im questioning if she had a point.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
sounds like you got it all wrong! you can't just blame yourself for stuff others did! you know what they say… you cant control others actions, only your reaction…
maybe your mom's just doing her best in her own quirky way… stop being hard on yourself, you deserve to be happy; life's about learning and growing, not just acting like a kid. try to let go of the past and think about what makes YOU happy! Now, keep your head up and take care!
i totally get where you're coming from but you might be missing the bigger picture; it's not all black and white!!! my mom used to say "tough love is still love" and sometimes parents just fumble in expressing it 🙃 when i was younger i thought my pops was too harsh but later realized he was trying to help me prepare for life. sure, some actions could be hurtful but intentions might not be!!! try focusing more on healing rather than dwelling in the past??? remember, it's always a mix of everything that shapes us!!! hope you find peace with it all 🤞
I totally resonate with your experience. it's tough when familial relationships, which should ideally be nurturing, become emotionally taxing. in my field of psychology, we often talk about emotional reinforcement and how negative conditioning can impact our self-worth long-term. I went through something similar, always trying to meet impossible expectations. it's disheartening and leaves scars. just remember, it's not your fault. you are enough as you are, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. seeking professional guidance helped me cope, and it might be beneficial for you too. stay strong.