To regain what was taken
The story
How can I retrieve the pieces of my mind and soul I so fearfully scattered as a boy?
There is a name and a face and a reflection- and somewhere within I'm sure it MUST be me- yes? Of course..and yet, not so sure. It may be fear. Maybe it's my mind protecting itself. But that hasn't worked.. and it won't. Only by facing these demons may I potentially gain.. anything. I've run all my life. When I finally escaped that house, that place of perversions so grotesque that to put them to words here would likely offend any notion of humanity. I ran, and I ran so far. Like many times. But it wasn't far enough. So I went farther, in all directions. My Soul one way, my Will another, and the balance of each lost and forgotten. I cloaked myself in anger, in wrath and fury. I armed myself with a hair trigger temper, rigging bridges to burn and ensuring none could know me, none could touch me. For some time it was fuel. I moved forward with angry, distorted purpose. I was powerful, I felt powerful. I felt that though I'd been so hurt, said pain brought me an anger only a life of tortures and perversions could give, and thus, it made me something else. A little human and a little I'm not sure. I lied to myself, I said it was strength. But how can one find himself buried under an entire mountain, and look to his fellow and say "Because the stone rests atop me, clearly; it is held up."
It didn't last. Eventually anger gave way to sorrow. Sorrow gave way to fear. I started to see a young boy in my mind who was frightened and enraged. He wore my face. At first I cursed him. How weak, how pathetic I must be to even consider empathy to my younger self. All the failed escapes, all the.. everything. The abuses. I was weak, and then, one day, I hit back and I fucking ran. Which must mean that now, I am ten feet tall, no? Ugh.
But the hurt of that young kid- of me- this weird, almost separate(as my conscience would have liked me to believe) 'version' of me, as a kid.. he needed help. He cried. He sobbed. And sometimes if I listened, such cries could almost have been said to come from me. But no one was allowed to know that. I run again. And again. Thousands of kilometers. How many cities, provinces? How many states?? Even countries? Never far enough, never fast enough. And now? I've run again. I've stayed.. longer than ever. I am tired. I am thinking in many ways different than those years. Sometimes kinder. Sometimes defeated. But never without anger.. And what a poison that is. A young man, his hair already graying because of the sins of his progenitors. What madness robbed me of who I am. Why can I not accept? I tell myself I have let things go, but have they let ME go? Never. I just want to find myself again. If I ever existed. I wish I could forgive myself for being powerless. God, I wish I wasn't so broken.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Reading your story, I could really feel the heavy weight you've been carrying all these years. It's so tough when childhood is filled with dark memories that keep haunting us like unwanted shadows. I've walked a similar path myself, always believing that if I just kept moving forward and away from where it all started, maybe those old ghosts would stop chasing me. But running can only take you so far before you realize the real journey is somehow internal.
The anger you're dealing with, it's understandable given everything you've endured. Yet, finding ways to transform it into something constructive might help in grounding yourself a bit more. Sometimes small steps towards healing make the biggest difference, even if they seem trivial at first glance. Remember, forgiveness (especially self-forgiveness) is never about condoning what's happened but rather releasing its grip over you.
Taking things one day at a time and reaching out for support when needed can be powerful tools on this arduous road of rebuilding oneself. Your courage to express such deep-seated emotions shows immense strength already; keep pushing through and seeking moments of peace amidst the chaos.
I understand exactly what you're going through. I had a similar experience when I was younger, always running both physically and mentally from my past. For years, I thought that if I left everything behind, I'd finally find peace. But just like you said, the past tends to catch up with us in insidious ways. Eventually, I found that facing it head-on was the only way forward.
Man, this is some real deep stuff you're wrestling with. It's like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle when half the pieces are in another dimension or something. Running seems like it's always the go-to move, doesn't it?? Like somehow physical distance might finally make the mental mess quiet down. But from what you describe, it's more like your past has turned into a shadow that stretches out infinitely no matter how far you go.
I almost get this feeling that finding yourself again isn't just about retracing steps but also realizing that those scattered bits of yourself aren't gone; they're changed, twisted maybe, but still there waiting to be reshaped. Strangely enough, I've heard that sometimes getting comfortable with sitting in restless silence is where clarity begins... not easy though, huh?? It sounds like you've got this incredible self-awareness which hopefully means breaking free from these cycles can actually start happening if you harness even a small part of it as constructive energy instead of fuel for bitterness.
Raging against weakness often feels better than confronting vulnerabilities head-on because who wants to feel exposed without defenses??? Yet there's power hidden inside vulnerability too; perhaps unlocking parts long buried uncovers aspects worth valuing rather than fearing. So much easier said than done... right?? Keep leaning on
man i get it. i used to think burying myself in work would be the answer. like, if i just stayed busy enough i'd forget all the pain from before. but it got so exhausting! there was one time i took off to another city on a whim cause i thought starting fresh might help.
and did it? maybe for a bit...but then every little thing would creep back in when least expected.
yeah dude, running can seem like it's helping at first but trust me sometimes stopping is more beneficial... you know what i mean?
i ran away from stuff too but eventually it caught up anyway.
'stopping is harder than running for sure!
sounds whiny honestly, lots of people have it rough.
whoa, dude, that’s deep; honestly, i feel like life can throw us some serious curveballs but maybe acknowledging the runaround you're caught up in is a step forward? kind of sucks how anger pretends to be your bff while actually messing with you long term 🥺 maybe somewhere along those endless miles you've covered there might be a glimpse of that old 'you' worth picking up. are there any moments when you felt even just a little fuzzy feeling like you were almost connecting with yourself again?
It sounds like you've been through a lot, man. Sometimes when you scatter parts of yourself or feel fragmented, it can seem impossible to put the pieces back together. Facing those past demons isn't easy, but running constantly only leaves us more exhausted; it lets that anger fester and grow under the surface until it spills over. Maybe instead of imagining life as this battle against fear, think if there's a way to make peace with what happened and who you are now despite the chaos of earlier years?
This idea of seeing your younger self and feeling distant from him is pretty profound. Perhaps acknowledging that scared kid and offering compassion can be a step forward in your healing journey. Embracing where you've come from might help dissolve some of that fury into something softer so that you're not carrying those heavy shadows all the time; accepting not just where you've been but where you truly want to go next seems key here.
Facing those demons takes real courage, not just running away again.
Man, I gotta say, this is heavy stuff and I'm honestly sorry you're going through it. But like, the idea that running is gonna change anything feels off to me. Sure, moving around can be a nice distraction for a bit but those old demons? They got frequent flyer miles too 😂. In my own life, stuffing down anger just made me feel more lost and it kinda sounds like that's what's happening here. Have you ever tried letting yourself be pissed but in a way that's not self-destructive? Like screaming into a pillow or maybe punching a bag? It doesn’t erase things but might help shake off some of that weight. And the whole thing about being "broken"? Nah, dude.
maybe try therapy?? idk...
Your story reminds me of a time I thought running away would solve everything. In my own way, I kept packing up and leaving as if new places could wipe the slate clean. But every single time, I'd unpack the same old baggage alongside my things. It's like you said: we're not just bodies moving through space, but souls carrying scars that need tending to.
For what it's worth, recognizing that young boy in yourself is a step forward. It might feel small compared to the mountain you're under, but sometimes these little recognitions build a path out of the rubble. Keep reaching for those moments where you connect with him (even if they're fleeting), and you may find fragments of peace start piecing together who you've always been meant to be!!!
wow, your story's intense. but honestly, scattering pieces of yourself isn’t all bad, it's like leaving bits of a breadcrumb trail back to who you are. reconnecting with those fragments could help you build something new and maybe even stronger than before. running is natural when everything feels too much, but sometimes stopping and letting the dust settle lets you see things clearer. emotions suck at times but they're like signals that can guide us if we let them. don't see anger as just negative; in moderation, it can be motivating if channeled into actions that reflect who you truly want to become.
it's like you're on this never-ending treadmill, right? you think if you run fast enough or far enough, you'll leave that past behind. but it seems to cling on, almost like it's got your scent. i've been there where anger felt like the only friend because at least it made me feel something other than fear. 🤷♂️
maybe it's not about finding those pieces you lost but building something new from what you've got left. easier said than done, i know, especially when it feels like every attempt is just a patchwork of sorts. still, sometimes even that can turn into something pretty damn strong and beautiful in its own unique way.
it's hard to know where to begin with retrieving those pieces of yourself after being shattered by life events like these. do we go backwards or only forwards?
regardless you seem genuine about wanting change and that's where hope lives i think.
Your story, though heart-wrenching, seems to be stuck in a cycle of self-blame and fear; maybe it's time to consider the possibility that running never really was the solution. Developing emotional resilience is key. It sounds like you're at a pivotal point where acknowledging your past could be the catalyst for real change 🤔 You have to face it head-on instead of letting it haunt you endlessly; small victories build up over time, giving you glimpses of the strength you've always had.
wow, your story really hits home. when i was a kid, i tried to escape my own mess of a background by moving from place to place; it felt like the only answer. but i realized that no matter how far you run, you're always taking yourself with you. one day, out of nowhere at a random café in another town, something clicked and i found myself crying over an old song playing on the radio. it reminded me of my mom's laugh when things were actually good for a minute; funny how these small moments can push you toward confronting those buried parts of your past bit by bit :) finding who you are is a journey man, and it's okay to take it slow!
Your story reminds me of the time when I moved overseas hoping distance would solve everything wrong in my life. It was kind of freeing initially but eventually the baggage followed me. Coming home meant confronting reality rather than escaping.
within each layer you've unpacked, there's a glimmer of self-awareness that's pretty significant. it's clear you're wrestling with complex emotions and experiences from your past. perhaps instead of running or fighting them outright, there might be some value in seeking understanding or insight into why these feelings persist; like cracking open a book with the intention to learn rather than close it in frustration. maybe amidst all the chaos there's a chance for transformation: turning what once fueled anger into something constructive that supports growth!
It's interesting because I've met people who have healed without needing to face their childhood traumas directly; they've moved on by creating new meanings and connections in life instead of delving into old wounds repeatedly.
'sometimes moving on itself is healing!
Healing isn't linear and no one method works for everyone!
'find yourself' maybe you never lost it dude!
'wonder if you'll find something new along this path?
... good 4 u keep tryn