top ten worst experiences of my life

Recently I was thinking about what my ten worst experiences of my life would be, because it came up in conversation that a problem I was having with an assignment didn't make the top list, and as I was making the list in my head, I realized that and experience I had didn't even make the list and I felt like I needed to tell someone.

The experience was that I was seriously considering suicide-like searching up what amounts of household chemicals it would take to kill me and considering stealing some of the more toxic ones from my schools science lab- and ended up texting(so no would hear) the 988 suicide hotline. The person I was talking to essentially told me that my problems weren't immediate enough for them to help with, suggested I speak with my therapist instead and offered some very generic advice, at which point I ended the texting. At that point, I was not feeling any better than before I texted the hotline, but I was eventually able to calm myself down and stop planning my death.

This is less about how awful that experience was and more about how I have had ten experiences which were more emotionally distressing than something that bad and there were several others after that that came close. I don't understand what I have done to deserve this much pain and suffering in my life and I don't understand why people have hurt me in the ways they have when there was nothing stopping them from helping me or at least leaving me alone. I hate that I've had so much hurt inflicted upon me that my experience with suicide didn't even make the list of my top ten worst experiences and that people chose to inflict many of these things did so for the petty reasons they did.

Anyways, despite all of this I am currently functioning shockingly well and you wouldn't know all this from meeting me, I just wish I didn't have to be so strong and felt like I should tell someone

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