i feel kinda isolated. not drastically but, in a way that makes me feel alone. I'm with my mom but, somehow that doesn't feel like it's enough.

my father left on my birthday and recently got engaged with another woman that neither my mom or myself know. my brother is two hours away from where i live and is also engaged, luckily i know her though and she's sweet. my sister has moved away with a friend and specified she will not be coming back. oh, and she'll also get engaged. my mom has a boyfriend and he has a nine year old daughter but we're not close. she never shuts up and it drains me so i subconsciously avoid her sometimes.

i dunno, i don't exactly know what to do anymore. i mean, i have a best friend but... i love them, i really do, but im starting to get awfully annoyed by them. it's just, a stage i think. not sure though but i kind of hate it a lot. i want to talk to them about this but then i worry if im making the whole thing about me and im projecting because when i usually vent i get really expressive, even in text sometimes and blow up even when i don't try to. undirected anger.

i recently had a dream whereas i had three siblings for some reason. the dynamics of tmnt which i am a fan of, kind of weird to admit but i did have that dream. it was the most enjoyable dream i ever had, even if i don't remember every detail. i only have two siblings but i remember a lot of laughing in that dream. happiness that i really crave. i was sad when i woke up. honestly, i think that reflects a lot on me lmao

i dunno, it feels like people keep leaving me, even if my mom swears she'll never leave me. why don't i believe her? genuine question, i can't bring myself to grasp it for some reason.

i live my life as an artist and a writer which says a lot, to be honest. why are we loners and why does it hurt so bad even if we enjoy it? something i've really thought about. it doesn't feel great at all.

by the way, my damn dog got taken from me by her stupid boyfriend too. keeps calling him his dog. it's my dog too, prick! actually, it's just my dog. he's an australian shepherd and yeah he's meant to herd but just because he lives with him temporarily doesn't make it his dog! does it? i don't know, i feel like im whining.

idk, point of this vent thing is cuz i really miss them, i guess. my own brain is telling me that too i guess, with the dream and all. i don't know what to do. i don't have much energy for school, either. crazy how we see our educators more than our own parents. i really wish it wasn't that way. i'm lonely, and people overlook the youngest sibling role as "spoiled and gets what they want" too much i think. more or less true too but, that's not all of it, man.

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