I cant move on and its eating me alive (TW)

Id like to start with saying im 17 and female. I met my best friend in freshman year of high school, she was awesome, and throughout the years became even more awesome. Shes truly the most beautiful, kind and supportive human alive. Except we have had a very rocky friendship, since the begining I knew this was going to be a tough friendship. We bonded so fast and became close within months of knowing eachother, but this had caused me to grow extremely attached to her. I remember I used to cry myself to sleep if she responded to a text a little late, or if I found out she was hanging out with other people, it would break my heart. Needless to say, I had a very unhealthy perception of her, and she recognized that. We would argue constantly about how clingy I was and that I need to chill. It would shatter me everytime we would argue, I genuinely couldn't handle the feeling of her being upset with me, it made me feel so empty and lost. I began self harming and I had these worrying thoughts of ending my life. I didn't want to be alive but I couldn't die because then I wouldn't have her. I remember promising myself if she ever left me I would end my life. I had a constant fear of losing her. I really don't know if I was in love with her or not, I am now, but before I think I was only obsessed but that obsession lead me to fall in love with her. I was so in love. I wanted her so badly I couldn't focus on anything, I was falling apart without her. I remember crying every single night for a whole year straight, cutting and burning myself on the bathroom floor while sobbing and wishing she loved me the way I loved her. I never want to feel that pain again. Our friendship issues began seeping into my homelife, my dad noticed something was wrong with me and at the time I had an online boyfriend who was 19, at the time I was 15 and when my dad found out about my online boyfriend he was furious. He went through my phone and from there found out I had been self harming. He sat me down and told me if I was so depressed then I should light a match and burn myself in front of him. He had also found out I had been stealing marijuana from my mom. My parents are divorced and I would steal my moms drugs when I visited her, it wasn't anything serious, just marijuana and weed pens, I had also stolen a few vapes. That whole situation broke me. I had never wanted to die more than in that moment. I felt so hopeless and like nothing in the whole world could save me. The worst part is my dad took my phone for 9 months. I felt so isolated and had no way of communicating with my best friend except at school and she comforted me and let me feel all my sad feelings even though I was overwhelming her. Things stayed about the same until the end of freshman year, and once sophomore year had started I had begun to finally feel better. I could handle myself better even though I was still a wreck. My best friend continued to stay by my side. I had also began to accept my feelings for her, I loved her. I truly loved her and saw her for the beautiful person she is. But in September, I had accidently confessed to loving her. It absolutely crushed my soul when she didnt feel the same, and it killed me when she said she felt betrayed. I had hurt her and betrayed our friendship and trust. I felt so unworthy and disloyal. I hated myself and all the suicidal thoughts had came back. That day I had seriously contemplated killing myself. I couldn't. We didn't talk for about a month and when we started talking again It was like that never happened, we talked it out and everything was normal again. Things felt great for about two months. Then it was thanksgiving break and even while typing this I cant help but cry. Thanksgiving break I got a text from her. She wanted to tell me something, and she told me she loved me, and that she was so sorry. She told me that even though she loved me, she could never be with me because it was a sin to be homosexual. Instead of feeling sad I was overjoyed because she really had loved me the whole time. We texted nonstop the entire thanksgiving break, playful flirty messages, confessions about our love for one another, and everything we felt. I had told her everything, how much I loved her, I told her everything. She told me she felt the same and told me how much she loved me. Even to this day Ive never ever felt as warm. Nothing can compare to that week. But by the end of the week she had told me that despite everything she said, I cant get my hopes up because she cant be with me. She was so guilty and she felt so bad, she felt like she was leading me on. And I was so blinded by her love for me I didn't even care that she was leading me on, I didn't care one bit, I soaked up every drop of attention she gave me and craved more. She continued to give me attention and love on me for about three weeks after that. After school we would cuddle and we would sit outside and watch the sky. I went over to her house and we cuddled, I remember holding her hand and feeling her warm body so close to me, I'll never feel anything that safe and comforting again. But we knew it was doomed from the start. She told me we needed to stop, it was hurting us both. She was leading me on, and it put a huge strain on her relationship with God. It broke me, yet I was still so hopeful, I didn't listen to her, looking back I realize how selfish I was. Eventually after days of nonstop tears I had to come to terms with our reality. We couldnt be together. Its been exactly a year, our friendship is closer than ever and I have grown enormously, but I know deep inside I still love her, I love her with all my heart and no matter what happens I feel like I could never ever stop loving her. Since the moment I realized I loved her to this very day, my love for her has only grown. I don't know how to move on, I don't know if I could ever love someone as much and that scares me. I'll never meet someone who truly means EVERYTHING to me. If she died right now, I know Id be next because she is my reason for living. I don't know what to do anymore, and we talk about our love for eachother on occasion. I know she still loves me, but we can never ever encourage it because of her religious beliefs, and I would never do anything to hurt her relationship with God because I know how important that is to her. In a perfect world I know we would be together. I just wish love was easy. She is the most precious thing to me, I hold her closest to my heart always.

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