(I'm not fluent in english so plz excuse my grammar.)

So..I have this friend who's so sociable—anxiety fears her. Let's just call her "A". We are in the same circle since grade 10. Our other friends are "C" and "D"

We both transferred to a private school when we got into senior high school. We did not get the same section. I got a new friend here in my current section and so does she. I only have 1 friend here due to my shyness or what so ever. We were so close and it feels like we're sisters. Let's call her "B"

Second quarter started, I let A meet B. They are not that close because B is more shy than me, but she's good at communicating. "A" changed when she got new friends in her section too. She lies whenever we ask her to go with us just so she can hang out with her new friends. She tells us that her mom did not give her permission to go out with us. Then we see her story with her other friend eating together.

So here's when I started noticing something to my other friends. Sometimes "B" and "C" refuse it when I ask them to go with me because I have to buy something or I want to spend some time with them. But sometimes, when I ask them if they could go with me, they always ask me if "A" would come too. They would say "Yes" when I tell them that "A" would come too. I'm so jealous. They won't spend time with me if "A" doesn't want to go.

This is a recent one. So, there's this one university I really wanted to go to. I told my friends that I wanted to go there before, I think in February. They said they wanted to go too. And now that we are allowed to go apply into that one university, they say that they don't want it now. I expected them to go with me. And then there's "C" I asked her if she would come, but all she said was "Is 'A' going too?" I asked her, "What if she will go too?" and she didn't respond.

I'm so jealous of that one friend, but I love her, I can't hate her.

I opened up to A. I told her that "B" is not who she is today—she's cold with me today, kept ignoring me, and was so quiet school. I even sent A my conversation with B. and all A said was "Ahh..so you're going out with her tomorrow?" in a jealous tone. I did not answer her because I know she knows that B and I would go film our project tomorrow. I focused on "B" not being her self today. I told her "I don't know what's happening to B." After that, "A" just sent a big big like (👍) and starting to ignore my messages.

They know I'm that "One" friend who always laughs and makes jokes. So when A get very sweet with B, C, and D, I ask her "what about me?" but she just rolls her eyes as a joke to me then say "Heh, who you?" or in our language "Heh, sino kaba?" It hurts me but I can't show any emotions like sadness because I don't want to be alone. Whenever she says that, I just say "I'm just 'my name'" then laugh. I always joke because I don't want them to know what's inside my mind. I feel left out sometimes too because B, C, and D always opens up on "A" and not me. I started to think that maybe it's because I don't know how to comfort a person? is it because I always joke around? I make my problems as a joke so they won't think it's real. Sometimes I say "Tawanan mo ang iyong problema" or "Laugh at your problems." I got this line on a song. I forgot the lyrics. I find it funny so I started to use it whenever I feel stressed out. They laugh with me too. I opened up to them that I can't express my feelings that much, that I can't comfort someone or I find it hard whenever someone opens up to me. I actually feel happy and sad whenever someone opens up to me because I think they trust me when they opens up to me and i feel sad because nga I can't help them.

I think they think that every words I say is a joke haha. I hate being me.

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