I am sorry that I'm here again to vent about the same things, but I have nowhere else to go, no one to talk to IRL. No one. I wish that that was an exaggeration- if you haven't seen things I've said before my previous posts (I think others can access them here? I can't tell, if not, oops) they have more detail of things. I just really, really needed this out, especially after an awful day with my doctor trying to take away medication that I need to live. She ultimately didn't, I fought too hard and gave her nothing that would let her, but it was clear she wanted to take everything from me just because I live different. Am different.

Home.

That's all I want, is to be able to sit in my room, or on the couch in a place and know that I'm home. I'm supposed to be here, I have safe people around me, I belong and am wanted here. To not feel like, every second of everyday, every moment I'm just waiting for someone to hurt me in some manner. For the government to do or try to do more to declare me unworthy of life.

I am intersex and trans, the government is trying to kill us off, you cannot deny it. If you genuinely still think you can, you're either blind or evil. Or both.

It is, Trump and his cronies are, trying to kill us. He's declared us not to exist, yet also says we should die, is doing anything in his power to make our very existence in itself a crime when all we want is to be ourselves and to live like everyone else. My state in particular just took trans and intersex people out of the Civil Rights Act, so the moment he would succeed, my life would be forfeit.

I'm mixed race, and look at the act from the 1700s he just enacted, allowing him to deport whoever he wants despite being a citizen declaring them dangerous aliens, create internment camps. Look at it. How long until he imprisons and deports lgbtqia2p people as a whole?

We have seen how this goes before, yet no one is stopping it, there are people outside the US blaming all of the country (even us who have been screaming for help and who screamed for people not to let him win) for it. We are just as culpable to them, so there's no chance we'll be granted asylum if we tried to flee. Not until we're being slaughtered in the streets.

I never really felt at home in this world at all, as a whole, I am going to die a slow and painful death under this regime and there's no way around it. As I said, I'm intersex and trans, also disabled and chronically ill. So many targets on my back. I keep begging for help to get out and everyone just tells me I'm, "not valuable," as a citizen so I need to become it or perish really.

Yes, I've been told straight up I am not valuable- even by other transfolk.

My own community is leaving me (and others like me), in the dust because I'm disabled and intersex, because I need "too much" help. Because I am "too much." Again, actual quote.

I just want to be healthy, figure out what I need to do to feel better, get everything back on track so I can study forensics like I wanted. Either anthropology or psychology. To get the hell out of here, away from the people hurting me (within my home and in the country) and find someone who loves me, who will protect me and vice versa, maybe make the loving family I never got to have. I want to adopt, I am infertile, children with a spouse and maybe run some sort of cat cafe. I don't know. I have so many dreams, so many wants, ranging from quite simple to more complex.

I want to live, and I barely even got to yet, trapped with abusive "family" that deliberately kept me sick and sad and dependent so they could do who knows what. I still don't know what their goal was ultimately.

Why do I have to justify my existence? Why do I have to be valuable to deserve to live, to deserve to smile, to deserve anything? Why do the beliefs of people that think a "loving god" flooded the world just because he was angry at his own creations, who apparently is the god of mercy yet wants to kill anyone who doesn't believe in him, matter more than a living breathing thing people can SEE?

I don't even know what I believe anymore. I was raised Evangelical on my dad's side, Catholic on my mother's, had the rapture shoved down my throat starting age eight and had my aunt try to exorcise me at fifteen or so for clear signs of abuse and just... Being me. Why are the opinions of people like that worth more than lives?

... Home.

I just want to go home, but I don't know if that ever existed for me in the first place, or ever will. I wish so badly I had someone to take me there, someone I trusted to go to for refuge, but I don't.

If it wasn't extremely unsafe and 99.9% likely to end in disaster, I'd start begging random people on the internet from better countries to come and smuggle me there (so to be clear I am NOT DOING THAT I just wish so badly I could get out of here...).

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