I'm totally and unrepairably messed up. NSFW!!
The story
This is not for minors I dunno don't read if you can't, be safe. This is going to be about sexual stuff. This is going to include topics like SA! and other disturbing shit. I don't know if the story really fits the category but i couldn't find a better one. It's going to be long, so yall can skip it I don't mind. This also may be nonsensical because i cant write.
So starting off I'm very, very messed up. Im scared to talk about this even to a therapist and I will understand if you tell me im disgusting and horrible. Heres me trying to explain how I got to this point.
The first time i heard about sex was when i was in kindergarten. I don't remember much but I remember one of my friends walked in on her parents and was telling us about it. I was very confused about what was happening because I'd never heard of it. I don't think i was even given the warning to tell my parents if someone touched me. But that doesn't really matter.
So fast forward like a few years i was at the end of kindergarten like the late years. I hadn't started school yet. My mom during summer would leave me and my sister's at my grandma's for a week and our cousins would come and visit us. My cousin was only a year older than me and I would play with dolls with her. Only the games would be really messed up. She would act out scenarios where the guy was like 20-30 years old and the girl was like 12- 18 at most. In short the stories would normally go like this. The guy kidnaps her, locks her up, r@pes her multiple times and she falls in love with him. Of course at that age i didn't know how messed up it was i didn't even know what was sex and when I asked she gave me a very fuxked up explanation. We were both kids. I was scared my mom would be mad if I told her what we played so I never did.
Now again skipping a few years I'm in school. The boys in my class are even in 1st grade finding porn sites and other shit like that. I still was mostly confused and didn't interact with any of it. Until one day when i was like 12 or 11 or something. My friend invited me over to her house. And she told me: I will show you something but you can't tell anyone. She shows me corn sites... And not even the normal ones like hardcore bdsm shit. And of course like the little stupid kid I was like I got hooked. I have ADHD that might be part of it. At that time I freshly got my first phone that had internet. I immediately got hooked. But my mom caught me. And then we had a sit down talk about what is sex and how it actually works.
And that might've worked if i already wasn't so messed up. I was still watching but i got better at hiding it.
A little while later I joined a fandom. It was fine and cool but the fandom had really gross shipping culture and I stumbled upon it and again got way too into it. First i just found fan content on tik tok. Then it was Fanart then Wattpad and then finally the beast AO3. Even though until this point I had already been seeing some weird shit. AO3 was the thing that took it off the rail. The sorting system on the site is pretty hard for beginners and I started to read some very disturbing and disgusting stuff. I think I got addicted both to mastu*bating and to corn.
And here i am now.
I'm addicted to the shit. I hate myself. Whatever you think I've read I can assure you I've read worse. The thing is I don't normally consume that shit. I feel disgusted when i see it. But when I'm excited it's like my brain turns off and i am ready to see the most disgusting stuff and every time I need something more. And after post nut clarity hits i want to kill myself. And like you may say bdsm thats a normal kink DW. But its not. The shit I read contains noncon sometimes gore and even worse stuff. I'm not actually attracted to any of it. At least I hope so.
Okay that's it. I understand if no-one reads this. And I completely understand that if you do you call me disgusting. I am. I know. I wish it was different. I wish I could just wipe my mind clean. But i cant.
Okay bye have nice day if you read this and even if you didn't.
Yours truly, Most fucked up girl in the world.
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Points of view
I can understand you're in a complicated situation, and it's crucial to approach this with caution. It's concerning how early exposure to inappropriate content can significantly distort perception; have you considered seeking professional help to manage these behaviors? It seems there is a persistent pattern here that you may need assistance to break away from. How do you think your early experiences with distorted narratives impacted your view on relationships and trust? Reaching out for therapeutic intervention may provide a constructive path forward to navigate through this intricate web of thoughts and feelings 🤔
I am actively considering speaking to my therapist about it. Like you said it's complicated until lately I just thought I was completely fucked up i didnt even know why. And lately the memories have been coming back and I'm piecing together the cause of the issue. The issue is I'm still a minor so if i want to seek additional help without my parents knowing it's going to be difficult.
Thank you for the comment. I appreciate that you took the time reading this and offering your advice.
sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's understandable how those early experiences have shaped your perspective. I totally get why you'd feel overwhelmed by all this. figuring out how to deal with stuff like viewing "corn" and dealing with what's essentially conditioning from a young age isn't easy!! but hey, recognizing the problem is a huge step, right?
it's like they say, "awareness is the first step toward change." have you thought about reaching out for therapy even if you're scared of it? acknowledging where you're at is already progress, and there’s always hope for change.💪 how do you imagine life would be different if you could unlearn some of these habits??
hiya, the first thing i’d like to say is that i think you’re definitely taking it out on yourself a bit too much. in general sex and porn is regarded as quite a private topic, which is where all the stigma comes from when it comes to talking about it, but you shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about your experiences.
it seems like you’ve desensitised yourself to sexual content, watching more extreme stuff as timegoes on to try and get the same rush that you got originally that’s a hard habit to break but it’s definitely fixable.
if you aren’t willing to seek therapy or any other type of medical intervention, there are probably quite a few resources online anonymous like this, that could provide more help and information regarding your thoughts.
you should feel proud for being able to share this anyway, it’s a vulnerable and tough thing to share, and i wish you luck.
I hear ya, and it's totally understandable how you've ended up in this confusing situation. It's awesome you're self-aware about how these past experiences have shaped your thoughts and feelings 👍 You're definitely not alone and recognizing this stuff is a big win. You got this, and there's always a path toward healing and growth; have you tried finding new hobbies or activities to distract and uplift you? Finding healthier outlets can really help turn things around!!! If you could picture one positive change happening soon, what would it be??? 🤔
hey, I get where you're coming from; it’s real tough dealing with stuff like this, I’ve seen some of my buddies go through similar things, and it's never easy. growing up with all of that craziness around can really mess with your head, right? from my own experince, I know how hard it is to shake off habits that started when you're young. you should really be careful not to let this take over your life, you know? it's good though, that you’re working to understand your feelings - that’s huge. but do you think there's a way to change things up and feel better? if you ever need to chat or something, just know people are out here rooting for you and want you to find peace.
it's rough hearing about what you went through, but it's no surprise you're feeling twisted up considering how early exposure sticks with you. "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," they say, but it seems like this has been more of a burden than a strength. you seem to get that this isn't a healthy pattern, which is a important first step. ever think about cutting out the toxic stuff and replacing it with something that makes you feel good instead??? finding better outlets is key; can't imagine it's easy to make these changes when the pull is so strong, right???
i hear you, but it kinda sounds like you're leaning too much on your past to justify your current habits. sure, early experiences can leave a mark, but they don't have to rule your life forever; "you can't start the next chapter if you keep re-reading the last one," you know what i mean? while it's important to acknowledge where you've been, it's even more crucial to focus on where you can go from here 😊 building new habits can be hard, but they're totally within your reach. ever thought about what positive changes you'd want to see in your future?
sounds like you're really stuck on viewing yourself in a negative light, and it's sounding a tad bit self-defeating if you ask me. sure, you've had rough experiences, but that's not the be-all and end-all, right? it seems like there's a whole lot of blaming going on instead of looking at ways to dig yourself out of this rut; there's always a chance to rewrite your story if you take the first step. nobody said it's gonna be easy, but doesn't mean it’s impossible either. how about focusing on small, manageable changes rather than getting lost in all the doom and gloom? that's where the real progress starts.
man, that sounds like such a wild ride, and I totally get where you're coming from. it's like living in a constant state of confusion with all the early exposure and mixed messages; having gone through similar stuff myself, it's easy to see how it messes with the mind. it feels like you're carrying a heavy load alone, and that sucks!!! been there too, where every step forward seems clouded by doubt and it's tough to break out of that cycle. don’t blame yourself too hard, because it honestly sounds like the results of a crap environment rather than something you've done wrong. ever thought about reaching out and talking to someone about it? just getting it out there can change things up a bit. 🤔