i’m a failure and i’ve got the rope.
The story
i got 1A and 4Bs in my IGCSE exam. at the time i was 12 (16 is the normal age), dropped out of school into a completely new system (caie) and gave the exams in 6 months without tuition or school. it was a really big jump, i was lonely and dumb, i’ll give myself some leeway there. i admit i studied lazily in the first half (3 exams), but in the second half(2 exams after 3 months) i really tried HARD. i really did, i swear. i mean i wasn’t the best in my previous school, but i still ALWAYS got 2nd or 3rd place which had to be something, right? even if i still wasn’t good enough for 1st, i was still good. but now, i’m just… bad. my siblings always got 1st place in school and got all A* in IGCSE (one of them was even 14-15 at the time). money was tight, so my parents and i thought i could be able to do it too. spoiler alert, i just disappointed them. i mean, i could retake but i doubt I’d even get better results and i just dont want to go through that shit again. i tried my hardest, i really did. i wish i could turn back time and fix everything. i can’t look anyone in the face anymore, or even myself. i’m such a fucking pathetic retarded dumb stupid ugly fat pig friendless loser who couldn’t do the one thing her family expected of her. if news does get out to my other relatives, i dont even know what i’d do. worst, my parents were nice about it and comforted me. i know they are lying, and they don’t even hide it, when another person has similar results to mine, they call him stupid. i dont how to live with these grades anymore. i cant even bring myself to study for A levels, all ive been doing is bedrotting for 4 months. today i was asked by my brother, “what did you get A* in?” and then i was reminded im such a fucking loser. i wanted to get in a uni with a scholarship, but now thats completely out of the question and i doubt id even get in a good uni even if i got straight A* in A levels. I’m good at nothing, this was the only thing i could atleast say smth about but now its been taken away from me. i was a coward because my religion doesnt allow me to kill myself, but honestly, i would rather live in fucking burning hell than wake up everyday in this fucking body.
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Points of view
Honestly, considering everything you're up against, it's impressive you managed to achieve what you did at such a young age; I mean, navigating a new system and doing it solo without the usual support is no joke!
First and foremost, achieving 1A and 4Bs at age 12 is no small feat, especially considering you faced such a significant transition into a completely new system without the usual academic support. Transitioning to CAIE at such a young age must have felt daunting, but it’s crucial to remember that grades aren't the sole metric of one’s potential. The fact that you were able to adapt and push through shows remarkable resilience and perseverance; The comparison with your siblings can be tough, but everyone’s journey is unique, so it's important not to let those comparisons overshadow your own accomplishments! Perhaps consider this quote: "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts".
From personal experience, I found that sometimes changing my surroundings or even talking with others who have gone through similar challenges helps shift perspective. You are much more than just your academic results—your effort and determination speak volumes! 😊