Im Still Upset😭

So I hv this girl I’m currently best friends with I’m just gonna say her name bc like 1,000 girls hv it. So I’ve been best friends with Sofia only recently we acc only became friends

Friends because we had mutual ones but anyways in around middle school I started getting really sensitive about things and for a while I thought I was bi and like I’m not right now, but she would say I was like mentally insane because of it and I had about three other friends in that friend group they were all friends from elementary school and they honestly never really listened to me like maybe I didn’t talk enough or like didn’t try hard enough to be included but like I feel like I did like that’s what they say that I didn’t try hard enough to be included and that it was a really long time ago. There was like a lot of little things that she did like I remember there’s this homophobic guy that went to another school and she says that she didn’t but I feel like she gave him my phone number and then he texted me saying about how like people act like insert school knew I was dating a girl and they don’t support my white @ss and then swore at me and it didn’t actually bother me, but it was the fact that she like did this and before she gave him my number she was talking to him about like hey do you know that (my name) is dating a girl and I literally wasn’t. She was actually just making stuff up… well I guess maybe she wasn’t because like I had this joke that there’s this girl that was my wife, but it was actually a joke like I literally told her it was like a platonic wife and also we were in middle school like I was not dating anyone… and so she was talking bad behind my back about me with this homophobic guy and saying how weird and unnatural it was and so one of my other friends, L she sent me pictures of the Gmail’s that Sofia sent to that guy and so having like solid evidence, I confronted her about it but around that time I was getting made fun of for being too sensitive about stuff so I tried to make it like a joke like Sofia I just heard that you were talking behind my back with this guy what but like I made it sound like a joke and she just like laughed like straight up laughed like I mean I guess I was doing as a joke but and like denied it, but like what I literally saw the Gmails…. And there was like a lot of other things that she did like she made fun of some of my other friends constantly she basically called me ugly a bunch of times, but those might’ve been jokes to be honest. So obviously all of this like really hurt my feelings like honestly the only reason I actually think I thought I was bi was because my friendship with them was so bad that I thought having actual friends was like liking someone and so because of that I became like severely depressed. It started off as me just wanting to run away, and I was actually making plans to run away like I was. I had this whole thing planned like I was gonna like run away into the woods and I had this like drinking straw you can get water from rivers and it’ll be clean, but after that once I didn’t do that and nothing got better. I started considering killing myself and it was so bad like every single day that was all that I could think about like constantly ringing in my head I just wanna die. I just wanna die. I just wanna die and I would cry myself to sleep every single night I’d call all the suicide hotline people. They never helped. I’m terrified of pain, but I actually managed to cut myself a little and I know this doesn’t count as like self harm, but even now I still sometimes like pinch myself really hard or scratch myself and like in sort of like a weird way I’m proud of it cause like I don’t know it makes me feel less weak, like I hurt myself That makes me feel less weak. One time I did kind of like a pathetic suicide attempt I tried to suffocate myself with a pillow obviously it didn’t work. And so like all of what she said and with my other friends, but that’s another story like really messed me up in the head and right now I’m in counseling and I’m actually gonna be getting like antidepressants and I still can’t tell if it’s all in my head or not like she didn’t mean it like she actually did not mean it or maybe she did I mean she meant everything she said, but she just didn’t mean it to hurt me because like she doesn’t think before she speaks, but I’m honestly so tired of like Excusing her for what she did like. She’s apologized and stuff, but it doesn’t help. It does not take away the three years that’s still going on that I’m depressed and sad and wanting to kill myself. I just can’t blame her for it because she always has an excuse and it makes me feel crazy whenever I like talk to her about it so that was all like the past stuff there’s a lot happening right now, but I don’t think it will allow me to have this many words so thanks for reading all of this I hope you have a good day

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