me and him have been best friends for literally forever: we met when we were like 5 or 6 and we been inseparable since. everyone always joked that we were like brother and sister or whatever and i used to laugh so hard at that. but now? now it feels different. and i hate that it does cause i don’t wanna ruin what we have. i don't even kno when i started catchin feelings for real. maybe it was the way he always remembered the smallest stuff about me or how he’s the only one who actually listens when i talk about my dumb drama. or maybe it was just one of those things that slowly grows when you’re not even paying attention. but now it’s all i can think about, and it’s freaking me out so bad.

like sometimes i catch myself just starin at him when he’s laughing or when he’s talkin about something he loves and my heart just melts. and i’m like, "oh no, this is not good." and it’s not just like a little crush either. it’s real. deep. i care about him so much it actually hurts. and i start thinking stuff like, what if he never feels the same? what if he finds out and it makes everything weird between us? what if he just stops wanting to be around me cause he’s uncomfortable? i can’t even imagine my life without him, like he’s been there for every important thing that’s happened to me since i can remember. and now i’m just here, ruining everything in my own head because i caught stupid feelings.

we hang out all the time still, but it feels different for me now. like when he bumps into me or hugs me goodbye, i get all nervous inside, like butterflies exploding in my stomach. and i have to act normal, like "haha yeah bro" when really i wanna scream "I LOVE YOU!!!" 😭 and it’s the worst. sometimes i wonder if he feels anything too, like little signs maybe? but then i tell myself i’m probly just imagining stuff. like last weekend we were watchin a movie and he rested his head on my shoulder for like two seconds and i swear my brain broke. but he didn’t act weird about it so maybe it was just nothin to him. meanwhile i’m sittin there havin a whole emotional breakdown.

i’ve thought about tellin him. so many times. like just blurting it out and seein what happens. but i’m so scared. what if he doesn’t feel the same and everything changes? what if he stops being my person? i’m not just scared of rejection, i’m scared of losing him completely. he's the one i go to when my life sucks, when i’m happy, when i’m confused, when i just wanna chill. if i lose that, idk what i’ll do. and maybe it’s selfish but part of me would rather keep him as a friend than risk not having him at all. it’s like being stuck between two horrible choices and no matter what, it’s gonna hurt.

some days i tell myself maybe it’s better if he never knows. that i’ll just get over it eventually. maybe if i meet someone else or go to college and move away or somethin, the feelings will fade. but deep down i know it wont be that easy. he’s not just some random guy, he’s him. my best friend. the one who knows all my favorite songs, who remembers my birthday better than i do, who always texts me good luck before every big test. how do you just stop loving someone like that? i dont think you can. and honestly, i don’t even want to.

i wish i was braver. i wish i could just tell him everything and have it all work out like in movies. but this isn’t a movie. it’s real life. and real life is messy and scary. so for now, i’ll just keep being his best friend, keep loving him quietly, and hope that someday maybe... just maybe... he’ll look at me and feel it too. and if not... well, at least i’ll still have him in some way. and that’s better than not having him at all. right?

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