My teen crush turned longtime affair

I was in 8th grade and in Confirmation class when I met Mike. Ridiculously handsome and quiet like me. We would smile and that was probably it. We met again in college, he actually asked me out but I was true to my high school boyfriend and said no, although I cried later when I got home. I followed his police career, thought of him as the one that got away. When I got Facebook years later, he was the first person I looked for. He was exactly the same. We chatted and caught up. We met for an innocent lunch months later. Eventually we would meet up and had an affair which never amounted to anything. It wasn’t smooth sailing. We fought, mostly me, wishing things had been different. We always came back as friends online and through text. This went on maybe 15 years. We had a decent mutual respect and friendship although not close. He had been married divorced 3 times and multiple women- hisb2nd and 3rd wife broke up his first marriage and was half his age. He was a police officer and a lot of women chased him and he enjoyed that. It was not something I liked about him. Anyway, one time my teen daughter got a weird message trying to get her phone number from a stranger who said she was a teen. My daughter told me it didn’t sound like a teen. I had a weird suspicion it was him trying to spy on her phone. He had used his law enforcement Connections to know things about me and my online habits. I just had a weird feeling. I ended up sending him a message telling him how weird this was. He said, “That’s not good”. I found that odd. Like he was actually saying that wasn’t good I found him out. Well, we ended up talking after and I felt maybe I’d been ridiculous and maybe he was actually okay. Afterwards, I started thinking about things and it really did seem kind of creepy to me. One time years ago an anonymous person was stating things online about my 16 year old daughter. I feared it was him. So when I felt this about my youngest daughter who looked like me, I also remember him telling me in a call that he wished he could have “been with teenaged me just one time”. This was around the time my daughter got that weird message trying to give out her number. I feared the worst, decided it wasn’t worth having a friendship that was possibly creepy and sent messages to him saying “leave me and my daughters alone!” I felt if he was innocent he’d say something. He said nothing. I was so creeped out. 9 months later - which is currently, I wondered about him for some weird reason. I look him up to see what he’s up to. He DIED 9 months ago unexpectedly. I had talked to him right before. He had gained alot of weight. I only read it was sudden and unexpected the weekend he intended to see his son to basic training. I didn’t know how to feel. Sad, mostly, even though our relationship wasn’t to be and should not have been. He was a big part of my growing up and just general friendship even though it wasn’t always good. I always hoped I had been wrong and he didn’t actually saying anything about my daughters or text one. Anyway, he’s gone. I feel this unexpected grief and loss. It’s been very painful and can’t tell anyone. If he was guilty of anything I shouldn’t feel anything, but I never knew. There’s no burial plot that I see, so no place to visit and say goodbye. I’m venting here. Yes, I know my affair was wrong. My husband and I worked through that. He doesn’t know if his death or that it upset me. That is why I’m venting here. I still hope he wasn’t responsible for the weird messages to my daughter. I don’t know how to feel. Thank you for reading if you got this far.

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