just a vent from teenager's messy mind and desperate heart)

!!VENT!!

sure.. haha its my first time talking or writing about my feelings :) but I'll try to explain it as clear as i can. so.. i dont know i feel so so sooooooo overwhelmed and stressed even in smallest things, but i keep procrastinating and it makes me hate myself more... i wanna do it but i just cant.. its like my mind acts on its own like copying the homework from answers and not doing it myself - i wanna do it, i do really! but... ugh.. i hate it.. and this is the first problem i guess..

and others are like, hmm maybe very very low self esteem?? haha i know it sounds pathetic but i cant even trust myself with simplest things.. for example lets say i did the dishes an hour ago, then my mom comes and tells me that i havent done it. And i'll automatically start rethinking about it, doubting myself and manipulating myself into thinking i really didnt do it... i know its just my lame fantasies and overthinking.. but it makes my life even more harder... generally we can say my memory, head, imagination and everything related with mind is a mess!! complete dark mess!! it feels so so soooo foggy that i cant even think properly sometimes....and other problem is that i dont even trust myself with my own freaking emotions or thoughts!!! i feel like my mind is manipulating me into thinking or just making up my emotions and opinions.... i dont even trust myself.... let alone others.... i dont even trust my parents fully.... and i feel bad for it... they've done nothing but love me and support me... spend dozen of money for my education and wants.... but what about me?... im a psychopath who even doubts her love for her family!!! i feel like im faking everything and im just a evil ungrateful heartless monster inside.. who dont deserve this much opportunities.. support... love.. and trust.... they rely on me while im also lost and trying to find myself through the darkness and fogginess of my mind... i feel so useless... talentless... like my friends and family would be better off without me causing them to worry about my crazy mental health, extreme mood swings minimum twice a day, my dark jokes that worry them instead of making them laugh.... and my teachers.. who trust me... believe that i could get into good uni and take 8,5 or 9 score from IELTS (yea, english isnt my first language) while im just a dumb mess that doesnt deserve all of these... i think ur getting bored or smth... i just dont know what to say or how to explain this.. this failure.. me... oh yea another thing :) haha my writing is messy too... anyways wish u patience dealing with me!!! XD

and also i feel like my mind is a monster... it is actually XD when i wanna improve myself, when i wanna get out of this mess... my mind dont let me... it wants to be depressed... suicidal... stressed all the time... telling me that i dont deserve to be happy when im also a burden to others... and a lot more... i dont even understand it myself

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