Vent Post

Might be big.

I feel quite numb and sad most of the time. Been this way for a few years. I've lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy. I feel like a burden on my family. Im just a mere waste of space and resources. Im worthless. I feel lonely and distanced from everyone. Feels like the only time my dad talks to me is when its about education or school. Neither of my parents seem interested when I want to share something. I'm not good at socializing. My class is mostly guys (and I'm a girl who prefers hanging around with girls), and i don't like them. Theyre disgusting and weird. All of them have sh!t talked about me at some point too. They have no reason to talk about me so much, but they do as one of their friends is my cousin. There are only 4 girls including me. I'm friends with girl A. I've also known girl K for a while, but I'm not close with her. I don't even know if she considers me a friend. A and K used to be best friends. K had another best friend, who left the school recently. This year K and A started hanging out a lot more again and sitting together, leaving me alone a little. Girl N is new, and good friends with K. I couldn't be close with her either, and it feels awkward. Theyre not mean to me, yes I have been talked behind my back by K before, but we were very young and little kids back then so I don't grudge over it. I know its selfish of me to feel jealous, I have no right to feel that way. A has her own life and right to hang out with others. But I still just feel a little sad when she's with others instead. My class is mostly guys, and i don't like them. Theyre disgusting and weird. All of them have shit talked about me at some point too. They have no reason to talk about me so much, but they do as one of their friends is my cousin. the guys are worse than me, and they don't get told anything. Even my cousin isn't given as many headaches. My friend also has a similar attendance situation, sometimes worse. But she's never been called an irregular student. I've been doing worse in school lately. The grading system sucks too. I feel too unmotivated. I also have a lot of assignments and projects to do, impacting my sleep schedule. Sometimes its hard to sleep. I don't want to wake up in the morning, and I just really don't want to go to school these days. But I don't have a choice so I suck it up. I don't like my tutor either. He's not bad, just not for me. My parents gve me my cousins tutor and I have to study with him now. I don't like having to study along with my cousin, our study speed is different. I barely have time to do things anymore because of having a tutor. Ive never had anyone. I try to push it all to the back of my mind and deal with the present. Its monotonous. Ive been sucking it up for years. This year however, multiple people have been noticing that I apparently seem "sad". I suppose I'm slipping up and having a harder time masking my feelings. I've never wanted to live long. I've always intended to die by 18, after I finish school or before college. It wasn't such a big deal before, I was still young and a while away from those years, so it was a reasonable time. But now I'm closer to the years. I feel conflicted. I've been seeing a weird vision/dream lately too. Its a white room, with a black path. I've walked on it since birth. And now its reached its end. the path doesn't continue further. Im merely standing on the end of it now. I feel a little crazy saying this haha. I dont see a future for me. I dont want to live. I feel guilty thinking about it. My parents shouldnt spend money on my education, since I don't intend to have a future to put it to use. Im useless. I'll never be someone that can make them proud. There's no point of my life. I dont have a right to feel this way. Im ungrateful. I dont like how i look or who i am. I feel fat. I'm not overweight, but my stomach always looks bloated. It makes me feel insecure. My mom pointed it out a few times. My hair always looks frizzly. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel lost. If I died,my parents wouldnt have to waste money on me anymore. They would have one less kid to worry about. They'd do better financially. They'd have a better life. I don't feel like they'd care much. they'd say I was lost to the devil. Im tired of living. I dont enjoy anything anymore. I don't want to study. I don't want to work. I dont want to play. I don't want to do anything. People call me emo or spoiled. It hurts. I don't ask my parents for anything. why am I considered spoiled? I try my best to be as low of a nuisance as possible. I try to help whenever I can. It's never enough. I'm trying my best. I really am. The constant comparison with my cousin also hurts. "He's a boy and he does so much around the house". I have a little brother. Sometimes it's like he doesn't love me. I get yelled at if I don't teach him his homework and stuff. If he does something wrong, I get punished. I also have religion pressured on me a lot. I'm tired. I've cried for a while. I feel sleepy now.

Sorry for all the writing. Ive never tried expressing my emotions in an online forum before. I feel like an attention seeker saying all this tbh. Sorry, thank you for reading! ♡

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