Why do I push people away?!
The story
I don’t even know why I do it. Like, every time someone actually tries to be my friend, I just… ruin it. It’s not like I want to be alone, but for some reason, I always end up pushing people away. At first, things are fine, we talk, we laugh, they seem cool, and then my brain starts freaking out. What if they don’t actually like me? What if I say something stupid? What if I annoy them and they just pretend to be nice? And then, instead of just going with it like a normal person, I start acting distant, stop replying to texts, avoid them in class, and before I know it, they move on. And I pretend like I don’t care, but deep down, it sucks. It’s like I’m stuck in this loop where I want friends but also push them away the second they get too close.
It’s not even like people are mean to me or anything. I see them hanging out in groups, making plans, posting about it online, and I wonder what that even feels like. To just be able to connect with people without overthinking every little thing. When someone sits next to me in class and actually starts a conversation, I panic. My brain starts screaming say something normal!! don’t be weird!! and then I either go completely silent or just say something so awkward that the conversation dies right there. And then I feel even worse. It’s like, I could be making friends, I should be, but something in me won’t let it happen. Like I don’t deserve it or something.
And then when I actually do let someone in, I mess it up in a different way. I start testing them without even realizing it. Ignoring texts to see if they’ll double text. Cancelling plans just to see if they really wanna hang out. Being all moody and distant to see if they’ll put in the effort to ask what’s wrong. And if they don’t? Then I tell myself see? they don’t actually care. But like, why would they? Why would anyone wanna keep trying with someone who keeps shutting them out? It’s not fair to them. And it’s definitely not fair to me, because in the end, I’m the one who ends up alone.
I keep thinking maybe it’s just safer this way. Like, if I don’t let people in, they can’t hurt me. I don’t have to deal with the drama, the fights, the feeling of someone just getting bored of me and leaving. But then I look around and see everyone else with their inside jokes, their sleepovers, their dumb little traditions, and I realize I’m missing out. Even when I’m in a crowded room, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. And I hate that feeling. I hate watching from the sidelines, pretending like I don’t care when I really do. But at the same time, I don’t know how to stop being like this.
So yeah, why do I push people away? I wish I knew the answer. Maybe I’m scared of rejection, maybe I just don’t trust people, maybe I’ve just been alone for so long that I don’t even know how to let someone in anymore. But whatever the reason, I’m tired of it. I don’t wanna wake up one day and realize I spent my whole life shutting people out just because I was scared of getting hurt. I wanna be better. I just don’t know where to start.
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Points of view
When I faced similar challenges, I had to engage in rigorous cognitive reframing. 🤨 Self-fulfilling prophecies often predict outcomes based on explicit assumptions you create about others' intentions. Your hypervigilant testing mechanisms are ineffective and display a lack of emotional intelligence. It's as if you're constantly beta-testing friendships without releasing a final version.
Taking a proactive approach in relationship-building will yield better outcomes. It is your responsibility to mitigate these negative feedback loops. Basic social skills may need sharpening. Additionally, understanding that vulnerability does not equate to inevitable hurt is critical. Proceed to face this vulnerability head-on!
Hey, I totally get what you're saying. 😕 This whole pushing people away thing sounds like a classic case of avoidance behavior. It's like you're writing a script for social self-sabotage. Trust me, been there, done that.
For me, social interactions have always felt like navigating a minefield of anxiety triggers. I've had those moments too, where overthinking just kills the buzz. It's exhausting and honestly, not a great long-term strategy.
I feel like you're kinda stuck in a loop of predict and retreat. Maybe it's time to mix it up a little. Try letting people in without all the test runs. It's risky, but it might just be worth it. You're not alone in feeling this way, but relying on avoidance as a coping mechanism might not be helping.
Wow, seriously?? You’re just making excuses for yourself. This whole "I push people away" narrative sounds like a big ol' cop-out!!! 🙄 You're acting like you're the only one with insecurities. Everybody's worried about saying something stupid—there's literally nothing special about that.
You're choosing to live in this weird little bubble of “what ifs” and it’s not cool. Ever thought that maybe YOU’RE the one who's boring people with these lame tests?!?! I mean, "testing" friends to see if they really care?? That's next-level ridiculous, like something out of a teen drama where people act like the world revolves around them. If you wanna be lonely, then keep doing what you’re doing, because that’s the road you’re on. 🤷♂️
"But maybe I'm scared," you say. Nah, you're just scared of putting in actual effort!!! If you really want to change, stop whining and do something about it. People out there are meeting folks every day, and they don’t make a production out of it. You're complicating what's actually simple: Just be real and stop overthinking every little detail!!!