I sit here at 5:30 in the morning—about 12 hours before I celebrate Friendsgiving with all of my friends. I made my mom’s famous deviled eggs. I hope they taste just as good as hers, but I won’t know this year. Only my taste buds and my heart will know, since we always measured with love and tasting as we went.

My mom passed a little over two months ago, and I can say that losing a parent never gets easier—at least in my experience, it seems to be that way. Oddly enough, my dad’s anniversary is on Thanksgiving this year, and he passed the day after almost five years ago.

I haven’t been able to sleep a wink. I’m tired, but with no signs of going down any time soon. I lie awake thinking of my mother’s last moments and hurting over all the ways she could’ve died. But life gave her the worst hand with cancer.

My poor mama. My strong mother who was still strong in her last days and moments—always holding on. I sit here missing her more than ever. Knowing she’s not with me this year, cooking with her and celebrating Thanksgiving—even after Dad’s passing—is the worst thing ever.

I’m grateful that tomorrow I get to spend it with all my close loved ones. But fuck, guys—this fucking sucks. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give for a loud Thanksgiving where everyone was in the house being loud, a movie always playing in the background, and giving the cats a little turkey.

I’m so grateful that even though my relationship with my parents wasn’t perfect, they loved, nourished, and did the best they could. I wish I could’ve told my dad that if I were given the chance. But I lost him too young to really understand life. Same with Mom—but you grow up more and more as you lose people.

I’ve been crying all night, just mourning, and I felt like I needed to type something out. I’m sad and hurt, and the world keeps on turning. But there’s one thing that keeps playing in the back of my mind.

I remember a crazy night at a festival. I was, of course, indulging in recreational substances, and I was trying to tell 20-something of my friends—my dearest boos—which some of them definitely remember from that evening. And in the best way possible, I’ll try to tell you what I said in a more coherent way (lol):

Remember where you are right now. Even if we come to this place once a year, and while it might not be enough for us, it’s all we have. And those moments are eternal, and they will always be there. I don’t ever want to go a moment without knowing you, and if this one moment is all I have, then we must make the most of it.

What I’m trying to say is that at the end of the day—whether you’ve lost your “tribe” or lost a member—remember those moments that no one can take away from you.

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