couples counselling?
The story
I am 52, a woman, and I have been married for 25 years. Saying that out loud still feels heavy. We met young, built a life, raised kids, paid mortgages, argued about paint colors. Lately it feels like we are roommates with shared history. I remember once, early on, he brought me coffee every morning without fail. Now we text from different rooms. That sounds dramatic but it is true. I am polite to him, he is polite to me. There is no yelling. There is also no warmth. People say “marriage takes work” and i believed that. I still do. But what if the work changes you into someone quiet and tired. I wonder if this is normal or if we missed a turn years ago and never noticed.
We have issues, lots of them, but none that feel explosive. We disagree on money, intimacy, and how to talk when we are hurt. He shuts down. I talk too much. He says I nag. I say he disappears. Once, after a long silence, he told me “I just don’t know what you want from me anymore.” That stuck. I don’t fully know either. After 25 years you expect some shared language. Instead we misinterpret everything. I once suggested couples counselling and he shrugged and said “if you think it helps.” That was not a no, but it wasn’t a yes. Friends quote stats like “therapy works if both try,” or “most couples wait too long.” Are we too late already.
I keep thinking about a small moment last year. We were at a grocery store, choosing apples. He reached for the ones i like without thinking. It surprised me. For a second, it felt easy again. Then we argued in the car about nothing important. That is how it goes. Good moments get buried fast. I have my own faults, i know that. I can be sharp. I hold grudges. I replay old arguments when I should let them go. Part of me worries counselling will just list our failures in a calm office with tissues on the table. Another part hopes a third voice could help translate us. As one book said, “under every complaint is a longing.” I am not sure what his longing is anymore, or mine 🤷♀️
Divorce feels like a word that floats in the room even when we don’t say it. It feels final and also tempting, which scares me. I think about starting over at 52, and I feel tired before I even begin. But I also think about staying and slowly shrinking. Is couples counselling a real option after so long, or just a pause before the end. I am trying to be fair to both of us. He is not a bad man. I am not a perfect wife. We are just worn. If you have been here, did talking to someone help you reconnect, or did it only confirm what you already knew. How do you tell the difference between a rough chapter and the last page.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
It truly sounds like you've reached a crossroad that many long-term couples encounter. From my perspective, it's evident you both still care on some level, as shown in that touching moment with the apples. That small gesture speaks volumes about your connection beneath the surface tension. I've been in a similar situation where I felt like my partner and I were more partners in logistics than life—it took us reaching out for external help to start understanding each other's unspoken needs again. Maybe counseling could provide that neutral space for both of you to explore those hidden longings without fear of judgment? It seems like there's still a thread of something worth saving there!!!
It's understandable to feel this way after so many years together. Your story reflects the complexity of long-term relationships. It seems like a pattern many couples fall into, where daily life overshadows deeper connection. That said, I don't think it's too late for counseling to help you both rediscover what brought you together in the first place; perhaps it could offer clarity about whether there’s hope or if separation is best. Sometimes just having a third party can illuminate aspects of your relationship that are hard to see when you're in the thick of it.
man, it's wild how living with someone for so long can turn you into strangers who share history instead of partners with a future;;;; the way you described those little moments, like the apples, shows that there’s still something real under all the layers of resentment and routine. maybe you’re both just stuck in this cycle where you don’t know how to break free without tearing everything apart. i’d say why not give counseling a shot; even if you're unsure, it might help peel back the layers to see what's really going on beneath all the surface-level stuff. sometimes we get lost in everyday life and forget what made us click in the first place!!!
i gotta say, reading your story makes me think about how complex and layered long-term relationships can get... it's almost like they become this intricate web of shared experiences, emotions, and unspoken things over time. your mention of the apples is interesting – those little moments that seem so small but carry weight, ya know?? i've been in a similar boat with lost warmth in a relationship. while i'm no expert, i can't help but wonder if sometimes we expect marriage to evolve naturally without realizing it requires intentional change from both sides. have either of you ever tried pinpointing what "work" really should mean for each of you at this stage? 🤔
it sounds like you’re in a tough spot. the dynamic you're describing seems to point towards an emotional rut, which is quite natural after so many years together. sometimes the daily grind can muffle what made things vibrant in the beginning. maybe think about exploring individual counseling first to get clearer on your personal desires and needs outside of the couple framework. re-discovering yourself might just be key to figuring out what steps to take next. it’s definitely not too late to examine these feelings and decide what's right for both of you 🙌
while I get the sense that you're feeling trapped and maybe even a bit disillusioned with how things have turned out, i'm skeptical about the idea that counseling alone is going to magically fix everything🤔.
it's tough when years together start feeling more like a habit than a partnership. that bit about texting from separate rooms hit home. sounds like there's a lot unsaid that's just simmering beneath the surface. you mentioned remembering how he used to bring you coffee—have you shared with him how much those little gestures meant to you? sometimes we underestimate the power of saying these things out loud. i wonder if reflecting on what initially drew you two together might help spark some warmth again, even without going straight into counseling. do you think you'd both be open to creating small intentional moments of connection as a first step? 🤔