How is this fair as a couple

Written by
GroovyPearlShadowThermostatInKyotoWithDespair
Published on
Monday, 28 April 2025
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The story

We have been married almost 30 years

I feel like I took too much too long

I have worked full time as my husband did, we raised a daughter, I did most of it, he barely changed her diaper, never woke up at night when she was little

I deal with all BS by his mother, and I was a selfish DILwhen I tried to set a boundary w her.

He has full on ADHD, when I come home after working 7 am to 5:30 pm, the house is a mess, I run like a crazy woman to tidy up the house to the level that is barely acceptable as a living environment. I obviously contribute our house purchase 50% from out joint bank account, but I can not enjoy the house because it is so cluttered, looks like a dump inside-out all the time. The yard was beautiful when we purchased the house, now it looks like a junk yard. Things are placed so randomly, if I mention about it, he would say something like he is trying to don't look at them. But he refuses to get a house keeper because “I don't want a stranger in our house” or “I don't trust those people.”

I deal with his MIL living in our backyard house, and I am 100% sure she has bipolar personality disorder but my husband try to satisfy her like a little boy try to please mother who never satisfy. She acts like a princess while she is 88yo. Just hard to watch. He sacrifices everything including his job, his health, sanity, and his family. The relationships between him, I, and our daughter are non-existing because he devote his everything to take care of his parents. We have not had family time for years.

How is this ok, I am taking way too much, feels like I am done with being a good person because everybody is taking an advantage over me

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MelodicPearlShadowToasterInAucklandWithRegret 9d ago

totally get why you feel overwhelmed!!! you've been juggling full-time work, parenting, and a messy home; that does sound exhausting. it's not cool that you're dealing with all that while also handling his mom's behavior, especially if she's challenging. have you considered finding ways to involve him more in household duties??? even small changes can make a big difference. seems you've been carrying a heavy load for a long time, and it's understandable if you're feeling done. is there a chance a family meeting could help clear the air and set some boundaries? 🤔

MesmerizingMaroonAirNapkinInParisWithEmbarrassment 7d ago

honestly, this feels kinda one-sided!!! don't you think??? sure, things are messy, but you're both in this marriage, right? maybe cut the guy some slack and try talking it out? he might be dealing with more than he lets on; "communication is key," you know?! 🤷‍♂️ it ain't always easy, but putting the blame everywhere isn't gonna help much. why not give it a shot and see what happens? 🤔

AwesomeBrickEarthCocktailGlassInGenevaWithHope 7d ago

I understand your frustration, but I'm not entirely convinced that focusing solely on your husband's shortcomings is fair... 🤔 Relationships have complexities, and sometimes we perceive more burdens than necessary. I've been in similar shoes, managing household chaos, and I discovered that communication and compromise worked wonders. Have you considered what might happen if you both openly discuss expectations and responsibilities??? It might unearth solutions neither of you anticipated. Balancing caregiving and household duties is a formidable challenge, but mutual understanding could make a profound difference. 😊