How Strong Were Those Rose Glasses, Jesus Christ.
The story
So my ex and I broke up recently. It was his decision, and I thought it was amicable enough - I had hopes he didn't feel he could meet, and he felt overwhelmed by how much I can be sometimes (I do not dispute this, I'm A Lot.), and so while it hurt because I really thought we were getting through the rough patch, it was the right move to just be friends.
The thing is, he's not really acting like a friend now, and the way it's going I'm not entirely sure that's even truthfully what he wants.
He's always been kind of rude - he's socially awkward by his very nature and not at all an emotional guy - I'm very used to him being somewhat ignorant of the feelings of others, that's normal. He's not diagnosed autistic but most people he comes into contact with have their suspicions on him being on the spectrum. (This is not a bad thing or a sweeping armchair diagnosis, our whole friendgroup is autistic so it would not be a surprise and would of course be an explanation for his overall demeanor, but not an excuse for the behaviour that follows.)
Now though, it's not just 'socially awkward guy can be misconstrued as ruder than he intends to be', it's targeted. and usually targeted at me.
I tried to brush it off as me just being oversensitive in the aftermath of the breakup, because I know I can be hysterical and overdramatic, but it's become obvious in the week or so that it goes on that I'm not imagining it - he's being downright mean. And I never thought he was mean.
So I tried reaching out to him about it - I thought maybe he was being so odd because it was hurting him too and he wanted to talk about it, or he wanted to avoid giving me false hope by being deliberately meaner than usual for a bit, or maybe he was just enjoying the freedom from a relationship that he seems to think was controlling. All of the above would have been fine and I would have, to an extent, understood if any of those were his reasoning, but he denied acting out of character at all - told me that he'd be saying everything he's said for the past week with or without the circumstances.
I don't think that's true, because a lot of it seemed to come out of nowhere with no prompting from any outside source (so not a badly landed punchline to something else) and he's famously stoic and private to the point of paranoia, but I accepted it - it isn't my place to push him on that, if he says he's fine and he thinks it's normal then whatever, I suppose it must be for him.
Reaching out seemed to make it worse - today he decided to go vaguepost in a shared server about how people who talk about having a certain opinion are annoying - down to my exact wording of said opinion. This would not be so damning, if there were others in his group/life that had the same opinion. As it stands, it's only me, and everybody in our group knows that. So really, he's just publicly calling me annoying for no real reason, somewhere he knows I will see it.
I know I said he can be ignorant of the feelings of others, but I refuse to believe that as an incredibly smart grown man, it hasn't registered to him that if you insult someone, it's going to hurt their feelings. There is a huge difference between "being unable to read the room and making people uncomfortable by mistake" and "being unaware that knowingly insulting a friend is bad".
I've tried to be civil about it all.
I didn't blow up at him for breaking up with me knowing I was at work at the time, because I asked first and said I wouldn't break down, so that's on me.
I haven't gone and blamed him for the part where I got so upset and stressed about it all that I got physically sick, because it's not like he wanted that to happen to me either.
I wanted to comfort my friend if he was struggling, and I didn't want to make it a big deal that we broke up, and I didn't want to really bring it up at all, because I know he's bad with emotional stuff and I figured he'd like to just move right along, which was fine by me if it helped him.
It just feels like I've sacrificed and sacrificed and sacrificed to try and not blow up our lives over this, and I've denied myself the chance to actually grieve because it would inconvenience him, and all he can think to do is just...rub salt in the wound wherever possible and assume the worst of me at every turn.
And nobody else seems to notice beyond 'feeling like they missed something' how mean he's been lately, except for my one friend who has never really liked him all that much in the first place.
And that makes me wonder if this is actually new, or if this is just the rose glasses breaking - was he just always this awful, and I never saw it because I loved him?? Has anyone else had this sort of jekyll-hyde turn happen?
Stories in the same category
Points of view
sounds like you're dealing with a real tough situation there 😕 honestly, from what you've said, it seems like your ex is struggling with handling the breakup too and maybe isn't being as mature about it as you'd hope. i've been in a similar spot, where my ex started acting really weird after we split, and i also wondered if i'd just never noticed those sides before because i was so wrapped up in the relationship. sometimes breaking up changes how people behave more than we expect. it's kinda wild how someone you thought you knew can end up feeling like a stranger once things change... makes you rethink everything!
Honestly, it sounds like you're doing all the right things by trying to stay civil and not letting his behavior drag you down too much…
I've dealt with similar dynamics where people would mask their true selves until circumstances forced them out into the open. It's astonishing how when you strip away the obligations or expectations from a relationship, some individuals reveal their unpleasant side that was never apparent before; perhaps this is his true nature rearing its ugly head. 😡
Man, it sounds like your ex is really showing his true colors now that the relationship is over….
Man, that's a rough spot to be in for sure! 😕 It's like waking up and realizing the person you thought you knew was maybe just a version they wanted you to see. I had a similar experience where my ex suddenly started acting super harsh and indifferent right after we split, which made me question if that was who they always were deep down. It's really eye-opening and painful, but it kind of forces you to reconsider what was real in the relationship. Maybe this breakup is giving him space to show his true colors? Don't let it drag you down too much, though; keep doing what's best for you.
it really sucks when you see a side of someone you never expected, especially after trying so hard to keep things chill; sometimes it takes stepping back to realize how much you've been giving away without getting anything in return 🤔.
this feels like a textbook case of someone using their "quirks" as an excuse to behave poorly. people claim they're socially awkward or on the spectrum, and sure, those can be factors in communication issues, but it doesn't give anyone a free pass to be outright mean. you bending over backwards trying to understand him is noble but there's a limit! once respect goes out the window, it's time to reconsider if this friendship is worth maintaining. don’t let his behavior manipulate your perception of what's acceptable; better boundaries might save you more frustration down the line.
Wow, you've got a real mess on your hands, don't you? 🤔 It really seems like he's using the breakup as an excuse to unleash some pent-up bitterness. I mean, it's one thing to be socially awkward, but he's crossing into downright spiteful territory 🚩
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time trying to figure out if your ex's behavior is just something new or something that was always there, but it makes me wonder if maybe he's processing the breakup in a screwy way and taking his emotions out on you instead; What do you think about maybe stepping back for a bit to give both of you some space?
Ugh, that situation is rough, no doubt. It’s like you’re seeing a whole different person now. Maybe it's his way of processing the breakup or maybe he's just acting out because he can't handle emotions properly; either way, it’s not fair to you. As much as it sucks, sometimes these things bring out sides we don't expect; but look at this as a chance to find people who truly respect and appreciate you for who you are. Keep your head up!
It certainly sounds like you're dealing with a complex situation, where someone you thought you knew is revealing behavior that doesn't align with their past actions; have you considered whether it's possible that other stressors or life changes are contributing to this shift in his demeanor?
Dang, that's a lot to handle right now 😟
it's tough when you think you know someone and then they start acting in ways that seem completely out of character; it feels almost like a betrayal, doesn't it? it's possible he's experiencing his own version of post-breakup turbulence, but honestly, that's not really your problem to fix. at some point, you've got to prioritize your own well-being rather than trying to decipher his behavior!! maybe give yourself the distance needed to heal and see if this is a pattern you'd want to accept in any form of relationship.
yo, it sounds like you're really going through the wringer with this guy! 😤 honestly, it's kind of wild that he can't even be honest about his feelings post-breakup or just own up to his behavior; i mean, if he's so smart and all 🙄 shouldn't he realize how his actions come across? maybe it's time to stop sacrificing your peace for someone who doesn't appreciate it. have you thought about cutting ties at least temporarily and focusing on healing yourself instead? might be worth considering!
Damn, that's a tough situation to be in. It's almost like he's flipping a switch and showing a side you haven't seen before. 🤔 Honestly, it sounds like he might just be taking advantage of the breakup as an excuse to be a jerk. I had something similar with an ex who turned really petty after we ended things; it's crazy how people can change when they feel they've got nothing left to lose. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate if keeping him around is actually beneficial for your mental health? Are there any mutual friends who could help mediate or provide some clarity here?
Navigating a breakup can really cloud our judgment, but it seems like you're experiencing the unveiling of traits that were perhaps overshadowed by your feelings previously; maybe his true nature is emerging under the guise of social awkwardness, and now it's clearer without the rose-tinted lenses.
It seems like you're really putting a lot of effort into maintaining this friendship, but it's concerning how he's targeting you with his remarks. This behavior change could be a defense mechanism to distance himself emotionally, or perhaps there's another underlying cause; honestly, it's perplexing. While he might have been socially awkward before, it doesn't justify what feels like intentional meanness now. I've seen similar patterns in relationships where resentment builds post-breakup and manifests as hostility, intentionally or not. It might be time to reassess if this dynamic is worth your emotional investment; friendships should be based on mutual respect and kindness, after all 😕
been there myself, honestly; it's really frustrating when someone you care about suddenly flips the switch and starts acting out, isn't it?