i am not gonna lie, my husband says i am negative about everything, like every tiny thing got a cloud over it when i talk. he says i can turn a normal breakfast into a sad little meeting, and honestly he mays be right here. this morning the toast burned and i said “of course, even bread got attitude now” and he just looked at me tired. i laughed but also i kinda hated that he noticed. i don’t wake up planning to be like this 😐

it’s just like, i go outside and someone is yelling on the phone, then the bus is late, then i see someone crying near a shop, then i come home and the news is all bad stuff and people doing weird cruel things. how could anyone be positive after that? maybe some people got a magic brain that sees flowers and cute clouds, but mine sees bills, bad weather, and the sink full of dishes. i know that sound dramatic but it is what my head do;

my husband is not some evil guy either, to be fair. he makes jokes, he tries to cheer me up, he says “babe, not everything is the end of the world,” and i get it. but sometimes it feels like he is asking me to pretend the world is not messy. maybe he is not saying ignore stuff, maybe he is saying stop dragging it into every minute. i don’t know. i guess both can be true, like the world can suck and also i can be annoying about saying it every five seconds 😭

yesterday we went for a walk and i started complaining about the trash on the sidewalk, the loud cars, some guy staring, the price of snacks, just everything. then a kid ran past with a dog and the dog was doing that dumb happy jump thing. i almost smiled but then i said “watch it step in glass” because yeah, my mouth just does that. my husband said nothing, just held my hand, and that made me feel worse somehow. do you ever catch yourself being the bad weather in the room?

i think maybe stopping being negative is not like becoming fake happy. i don’t wanna be one of those people who says “good vibes only” while everything is clearly burning in small normal ways. maybe i just need to pause before talking, ask myself if this thought needs to be said out loud, or if i can keep it in my dumb little brain jar. maybe say one okay thing for every bad thing, not as punishment, just balance. i tried today and said the coffee was decent. small win i guess 🙂

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