I've been in my relationship almost 13 months now. Her and I have had our ups and downs but most importantly I had one only friend who was a girl that she was jealous of and long story short I cut her off. She made me give her my Instagram password so I can't vent to any of my other friends because she would know and I can't vent anywhere else that isn't anonymous I just feel so upset my chest hurts and I want to cry and everything is just bad and oh my goodness

My girlfriend is suicidal, she harms but she's trying to do better, but she isn't good at giving me attention and she ignores or casts aside or doesn't put much thought into me or my interests. It's been going on since we started dating. I've asked her multiple times to pay me more attention and be more invested and she does maybe for the rest of the day that I ask but she never entirely changed.

Today, I was pushed to my limit of this, I felt horrible as she just sent an emoji reaction to the things I told her about my day, and as she told me things about hers I asked her questions and replied with words. It hurt every time. This has always been the dynamic, and every time I'm pushed to my limit I tell her and bad things happen.

I have learned to never tell her my feelings because every time I do, she either apologizes over and over again and doesn't change or she harms herself or tells me she either wants to die or she is planning to kill herself.

Tonight I was so upset and hurt, I thought it would be different. I thought maybe she would be able to listen and understand my feelings. I had a hard time telling her. She knew I was upset and she said "I also have something to bring up but rn clearly isn't the time for that" and we went back and forth and I ended up telling her why I didn't want to tell her what I'm feeling, and she got upset because I said that she wasn't prioritizing my feelings and she just said "oh my god" and started defending herself and

And I said "I don't want to talk anymore" so I didn't respond for about an hour. When I came back things were calmer, she seemed to be level headed as I told her the real reason why I was upset (That she wasn't paying much attention to me), and she said she was tired, stressed, busy with work, and I said I understood that but I make a point to always reply with words even if I'm busy or tired or upset. She said she was trying to change, and I could tell she was starting to become upset so I switched to her, I told her she was doing amazing and I tried to cheer her up because I knew where it was going. She told me i can't keep doing this to myself, that she doesn't deserve me, she says these things every time they just sting, I don't know why

I was trying to ease things going on when she suddenly tells me "I could either go the sleep route or the overdose" referring to making herself feel better. I made her throw away her blades weeks ago and she wanted to committ to being clean, she is doing well so far, unless you consider tonight ruining her streak I'm not sure.

Then I threatened to call the police. I had no other choice than to scare her with calling the police because I knew nothing else would work.

Going back and forth, she was telling me

"I'm sorry I failed you"

"I failed you as a partner"

"I put you through hell"

And I felt she was about to kill herself, I told her I would call the police (she is scared of the police because her home would punish her if police came to check on her)

Then she sends me blurry pictures she was crying on the bathroom floor

She told me if she got up she would probably go overdose

Then she was talking about how if rebirth was real she would be happier

Then, she hurt herself, she had an already injured foot, she injured it further, told me the veins in her foot felt numb

Then she sent more pictures then she told me instead of killing herself she was going to fuck herself up with her medicine by taking double the amount prescribed and I threatened the police again and I forced her to only take her usual dose. I hope.

Then after more back and forth, I kept telling her I was only going to go to sleep once she did, and she said she didn't trust me, that I won't call the police, and I ended up swearing at her and leaving. I was so angry and hurt, I couldn't do anything else

Every single time. Every single time, without missing a single beat, this happens when i try to talk about my feelings. And I can't even vent to anyone. I can't talk to a friend, I can't tell anyone else we know,

She is literally the only person I text. I literally have nobody else that I message. It is only her. And I can't vent to her about my feelings because this will all just happen again

She told me that if we break up she is 100% going to kill herself. Before we met she planned to kill herself after graduating, she almost did it early multiple times. I stopped her. She told me I'm the reason she's alive. Many many times she tells me, even in person, "I'll just go through with my original plans," and the only time she backtracked was the one time I cried after her telling me

I was so angry after today. I don't know what to do. We can't break up, I love her too much, we are locked in, but I'm going insane because I can't talk to anyone.

I don't know what to do

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