I just can’t hold it anymore
The story
Here comes another sleepless night because all I can do is cry and think. Think about what normal people would call nonsense, but in this case it just… all adds up. So… I’ve been with my bf for more than a year. Since the beginning things were difficult. We would argue often, he wanted to break up multiple times, and I ended up turning my life upside town and changing 90% of me, mostly to „become myself again” and escape the influence of people I called friends, but I know that some things I did were all and only for him to stay. Now this part is almost „stable”, even tho there are still things that are wrong about me and I am aware of that and the cause of all of this (family issues, the fucked up way I was raised). But… ever since I can remember my bf used to mention his ex often. Always in a good way, recalling good memories etc. He told me A LOT about their relationship, how their mother liked him, how they liked to spend time together, damn he even sent me multiple pictures of them together MULTIPLE TIMES… I remember one time I said something bad about his ex, out of jealousy when he was talking about them again, and he got all protective, and almost aggressive like I just insulted someone important to him. He’s been never intimate with his ex, but he is with me every fucking time we see each other and this also makes me sick. Makes me feel like I’m his little cum bucket, walking piece of meat (mostly tits, ass and thighs) even tho he said he never saw me only in this way. I just can’t… when I recall the things he told me about his relationship with his ex, and when I compare it to what we have, I’m starting to fucking cry, because I feel like I’m never gonna be such an amazing partner like his ex was, I feel like he’s with me just to have anybody by his side. I can’t take the fact that I had to change so, so much only for him to not want to leave me, but his ex just came to his life and he was obsessed with them. They never annoyed him, but he told me multiple times how annoying can I get. Damn, he even told me how his ex would get him out of toxic activities, and how they would help him with his mental health etc, BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL I CANT DO SHIT LIKE THEM CUZ MY MOTHER NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW TO SHOW LOVE. I… I feel like I’m not even his real partner. Like I’m just there to fill the empty space. They broke up almost 2 years ago but still I can feel he misses them, but he’s never gonna admit it. He’s just comfortable with me. With chunks of meat to grab and sexualize. I wanna tear my fucking skin and replace it with his exes because maybe if I became them he would be finally happy and would not want to leave… I’m such a fuck up. I think I’m gonna cry again. Idk how this site works, I have no friends because I was kind of forced to cut ties with them, and I don’t have the strength to talk to anyone.
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Points of view
it sounds like you're in a really tough situation, and it’s understandable to feel like things are spiraling; relationships can be so complicated, especially when you feel like you’re constantly living in someone's shadow. have you considered discussing these feelings openly with him? maybe it could help to have a frank conversation about how his constant comparisons and comments make you feel. it’s tough, but remember that you deserve to feel valued for who you are, not for someone else you think you should be. remember when he talks about his ex, how does that make you think about your self-worth? 😔 it’s important to protect your mental health above all. stay strong!
hey, it sounds like you’re in a tough spot, but I don’t think you have to change for anyone. 💪 i've been there too, feeling pressured to be someone different in a relationship. "love myself" should be your mantra; we all bring unique qualities to the table. it’s crucial to remember that comparisons rob you of joy. ever heard of “comparison is the thief of joy”? focus on what makes you happy. your boyfriend may not realize the impact of his comments. have you tried explaining to him how it affects you? sometimes people aren't aware until you voice your feelings. hang in there, things can get better!
it seems like you're in a challenging situation, but perhaps it's important to consider if changing yourself so drastically is truly beneficial. relationships should be a partnership where both parties feel valued and appreciated for who they inherently are. constantly feeling like you're living in the shadow of his past is neither fair nor healthy; can you honestly be fulfilled in this dynamic? maybe there is room for a candid discussion with your partner regarding these recurring feelings. have you tried to express this to him??? his constant reminiscence about his ex could be unintentional, but if it's hurting you, it needs to be addressed. remember, serenely transitioning into someone else's expectations is not sustainable in the long term. is it truly worthwhile to feel like a placeholder??? it may be time to contemplate what you genuinely want out of this relationship.