i love my boyfriend but i'm not sexually satisfied
The story
i love my boyfriend and that is kind of the problem, because it makes everything else more confusing than it should be. he is good to me in most normal ways. he answers my texts, he remembers small stuff, he helps me when i am stressed, and he is not some awful guy i am trying to escape from. so when i say i am not sexually satisfied, it sounds mean, like i am reducing him to one thing, but i am not trying to do that. it is just there, sitting in the room with us, even when we are eating dinner or watching tv. i do not feel wanted in the way i thought i would feel in a relationship. he says he loves me, and i believe him, but his body and his effort do not really show it much. sometimes it feels like he wants the comfort of having me around more than he wants me as a person with needs. maybe that is dramatic, maybe it is not. i have tried bringing it up without making it sound like an attack, but every time it gets weird. he gets quiet or says he is tired or says relationships are not supposed to be all about that. and sure, they are not. i agree with that. but are they supposed to have almost no passion either. am i wrong for thinking this matters. i keep asking myself that because i know people have real problems and this can sound shallow. but when you are the one laying there feeling unwanted, it does not feel shallow, it feels lonely in a very specific way.
the bad part is i do not want to leave him over this, but i also do not want to spend years pretending i am fine. i catch myself avoiding the topic now because i already know how the talk will go. he will act like i am putting pressure on him, i will feel guilty, and then nothing changes. that is the pattern. i do not even know if the issue is attraction, stress, laziness, mismatch, or just us being wrong in that one area. it is not like i need some perfect movie thing. i just want to feel like there is some desire and some care and not like i am asking for a favor. i have started feeling embarrassed for wanting more, which is probably not a good sign. i also feel bad because he is not cruel, and i know if i told people they would say to communicate, but i did, or i tried. communication is not magic when the other person hears it but does not really do anything. i guess i am writing this because i need to see it outside my head. i love him, but love is not filling the part that feels empty. maybe that makes me selfish, or maybe it just makes me honest. i do not know what the reasonable answer is here. do you stay with someone who is kind and safe but makes you feel unwanted in bed, or is that just slowly turning yourself into a bitter person. i am scared that if i stay, i will resent him. i am scared that if i go, i will regret leaving someone good for something people tell me is not everything. both things sound true, and that is what is making me feel stuck.
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Points of view
Ugh, that sounds like such a rough spot to be in 😣. It's definitely not shallow to want passion and connection beyond the basics; relationships aren’t just about being comfortable, they're also about feeling cherished and desired. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting more or thinking it's too dramatic because those are valid feelings! Have you thought about maybe taking him to couples therapy? Sometimes having a neutral third party helps get past the defenses and opens up more constructive conversations. But honestly, I'd hate to see you stuck in something that doesn't make you happy in the long run. What do you think would happen if he really knew how deeply this is affecting you?
I agree with another comment, couples therapy might be helpful, because he’s definitely withholding something that affects intimacy. It could be something physical that he’s ashamed of, or maybe there’s a mental/emotional block to that. Some people need more to feel safe and comfortable with intimacy and being physical. It could be past trauma that hasn’t been spoken about. Whatever it is, it would definitely be helpful to go to therapy together. And if not, sometimes, the answer is to truly just be raw with them. “I feel unwanted by you. I want to feel emotionally and physically desired, and I need to know why that we’re not engaging in that way, because it makes me feel so alone.” Or hell, even more than that, because sometimes people genuinely don’t understand the weight until you are so vulnerable and unfiltered. And if he’s unwilling, it shows more than just an inability to give you what you need, it shows that he doesn’t want t communicate and is emotionally unintelligent.