Hey girls & boys!

I am 19 and I am a woman. I have been with my boyfriend for six months. He is also 19. We are young and we try to be kind. Recently we had sex for the first time. It was my first time ever. I did not like it. I hated it. I tried again after. I still hated it. Every time after that I felt the same. It feels like work to me. I feel tired before and after. I feel pressure even when he is sweet. I like him a lot. I like his laugh. I like walking with him. I like texting dumb things at night. Sex is not that for me. I feel broken for saying that. A friend once said, “your body knows before your head.” I think about that a lot. I am polite about it with him. I smile. I try. I do not cry in front of him. I am hopeful because I am young 🙂 I also read posts online and people say it gets better. Maybe. But right now I dread it. I keep asking myself if this is normal. I keep asking if I am doing something wrong.

I remember the first time clearly. It was planned. Music was on. He was nervous. I was more nervous. I told myself to be brave. I told myself this is what couples do. It hurt a bit. It felt strange. Not romantic like movies. Not magical like people say. After, I felt empty. I did not feel closer. I felt further. I felt like I was pretending. The other times were similar. Sometimes worse. Sometimes I counted seconds. I feel bad saying this. He asks if I am okay. I say yes. I hate lying but I hate hurting him more. Someone online wrote, “sex is communication.” I do not feel heard there. I feel small. I feel like I owe something. I wonder if that is love. I wonder if love can be without sex. I am not angry. I am just confused. I am polite to myself too, I try. I keep a small notebook. I write things like, maybe later, maybe different, maybe not.

I ask myself the question in the title a lot. Is sex important in a relationship. People say yes. People say no. People say it depends. I think it depends on the people. I want to talk to him. I want to be honest soon. I am scared but hopeful. I believe relationships can grow. I believe consent is daily. I believe comfort matters. A quote I like says, “love is patience.” I hope that is true for us. I am not broken. I am learning. I am allowed to dislike things. I am allowed to ask for time; Do you think a relationship can be strong without sex for a while. Do you think love should wait. I want answers but I also want peace. I hope we find a way that feels good for both of us.

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