My eyes won't see
The story
I am surrounded. I see the faces and hear the screams of days long over. I wake up screaming. I hold conversations with others, who carry on such interactions, whilst phantoms of past evils dance before my eyes.
How can I ever tell anyone??? I have tried. I am trying still. I am so afraid. So much violence and death. So much pain, so much pure, unfiltered filth and depravity takes up my childhood. I wear the scars on my face and on my body like little music notes, each one playing the rhythm of my anguish. I try to control the anger. I try to control the fear. And, despite everything, I've made small victories. But they are fleeting. I can't do it alone... but idk if I can do it at all.
I try to tell myself; forgive yourself. You were a boy. You did not choose then, but you must choose now- will you drown, or will you swim? But I don't know the difference. Every time I find footing, I slide down. I've wounded some who've tried only to bring me comfort. I've wounded myself. Inside there is another me, one who failed the tests of abuse, one who is pure Wrath and Vengeance and only the darkest parts of me. He hates everything. He hates me. I, for my part, am so afraid. I shake. I cannot breathe. When I finally try to get help, the Other comes- doubting, damning. Cursing. He tells me- I tell me- that I am weak. That I must be a Man, that I must take Vengeance upon my own blood for the unforgivable evil they have perpetrated. But I can't. All the hurt spills over me... and no matter how truly angry, even if justified, I become.. I can't do it. Where part of me wants to burn everything, where part of me wishes to inflict my pain on those who caused it, I find I do not have the stomach to become that guy. Perhaps that's all that separates me from them.. likely more than that. I know I have a heart it's just broken. I am broken. 26 years old.. I've lived 60, in every other way. What do I do? Will I never beat this??? God help me, God answer me.
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man, i felt that. you got a lot of strength just putting it out there like this; it's not easy to talk about what's going on inside, especially when it feels like a battle every day. ain't nobody ever said healing was gonna be quick or easy, but those little victories? they're meaningful even if they feel small. i've been in some deep places myself and sometimes just taking one breath at a time was all i could do. remember, you're not alone in this story... there's folks who've been through the ringer too, and we're all fumbling our way toward something better 😊 hang in there!
Once I had nightmares about similar stuff from my past and talking to a therapist helped me.
What kind of stuff did therapy touch on for nightmares? I've never tried it but maybe I should.
wow, this sounds intense; I'm not sure if I can fully grasp everything you're going through, but it seems like you're dealing with a lot of inner turmoil. idk if i'm right, but have you considered reaching out for professional help? sometimes just having someone listen without judgment can make a difference... i kinda get the feeling that expressing these feelings might be your first step towards regaining some sense of control and peace. it's amazing how even small victories show strength... and maybe acknowledging those can help guide you toward finding more support???
Damn, that's a lot to carry; sounds like you're in this perpetual cycle of trying to outrun your past and not getting anywhere. Have you thought about professional help, maybe some kind of therapy that focuses on this intense trauma? It's exhausting living with all that weight alone... What do you think keeps the "Other" voice so strong? 🧐
Wow, man. That sounds like a really heavy load to carry. I mean, dealing with all that on your own must feel impossible sometimes... but hey, recognizing you need help is already a step forward! 🤷♂️ I've been through times where it felt like my past was haunting me too and reaching out helped, even when the doubt creeped in. You're not weak for feeling overwhelmed; you're strong for still being here and fighting through it every day. Maybe just take one small step at a time towards getting support? It might make things a bit less daunting.
you've got a lot on your plate, and it's tough when you're stuck in that cycle of anger and pain.
Man, reading your story reminds me of a time I thought I'd never get past my own demons. It's like living in an echo chamber where everything just loops back to the same pain. But you know: "If you're going through hell, keep going." I've seen folks try and fail many times, yet each attempt chips away at the darkness bit by bit. Just understand that even when it feels insurmountable, you're still fighting... and that's something nobody can take away from you;
Have you considered finding a support group? Sometimes sharing experiences can help lighten the load. How are you coping day to day?
Reading this hit hard, man. It takes guts to lay it out like you did. I know how tough it can be when you're fighting every day with your own thoughts and memories swirling around like that. It's a rollercoaster, for sure—I've faced some rough times myself. Just wanted to say, those small steps you're making matter more than they seem at the time. Maybe finding someone who gets it could help? Someone once told me healing isn’t linear, and it's stuck with me because no one's got it all figured out yet, but we're all trying piece by piece. Keep pushing through, even when it feels impossible. You're stronger than you think!
Just move on???