I am surrounded. I see the faces and hear the screams of days long over. I wake up screaming. I hold conversations with others, who carry on such interactions, whilst phantoms of past evils dance before my eyes.

How can I ever tell anyone??? I have tried. I am trying still. I am so afraid. So much violence and death. So much pain, so much pure, unfiltered filth and depravity takes up my childhood. I wear the scars on my face and on my body like little music notes, each one playing the rhythm of my anguish. I try to control the anger. I try to control the fear. And, despite everything, I've made small victories. But they are fleeting. I can't do it alone... but idk if I can do it at all.

I try to tell myself; forgive yourself. You were a boy. You did not choose then, but you must choose now- will you drown, or will you swim? But I don't know the difference. Every time I find footing, I slide down. I've wounded some who've tried only to bring me comfort. I've wounded myself. Inside there is another me, one who failed the tests of abuse, one who is pure Wrath and Vengeance and only the darkest parts of me. He hates everything. He hates me. I, for my part, am so afraid. I shake. I cannot breathe. When I finally try to get help, the Other comes- doubting, damning. Cursing. He tells me- I tell me- that I am weak. That I must be a Man, that I must take Vengeance upon my own blood for the unforgivable evil they have perpetrated. But I can't. All the hurt spills over me... and no matter how truly angry, even if justified, I become.. I can't do it. Where part of me wants to burn everything, where part of me wishes to inflict my pain on those who caused it, I find I do not have the stomach to become that guy. Perhaps that's all that separates me from them.. likely more than that. I know I have a heart it's just broken. I am broken. 26 years old.. I've lived 60, in every other way. What do I do? Will I never beat this??? God help me, God answer me.

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