Forever Alone

I didn't know where else to put this, so I apologize if this is in the wrong category.

I got herpes from kissing my former boyfriend, at 17. When I told my mom, she yelled at me saying that's "what I get for being fast." Now she acts like it's no big deal, but I still remember how it made me feel like shit. Now I am 21 and identify as a lesbian. My mental health is so much worse since coming to that conclusion. Not only do I have a small dating pool due to being a lesbian, but now I have to deal with an even smaller dating pool due to having an STI. People say to just date other people who have herpes but that is nearly impossible when lesbians have the lowest rates of STIs. To be clear this is not a bad thing, I'm just explaining how isolating it can be for people like me and how it's not as simple as dating other women who have it. To add insult to injury, I have been diagnosed with a "mood disorder" (possible personality disorder as well). I have been dealing with this since childhood, not being able to explain what I was going through. This disorder has made me ruin all of my relationships, even while on antidepressants. I'm in therapy now, but being isolated has worn away at my hope that I will ever be well enough to be in a healthy relationship or have healthy friendships. This is not even factoring in current events that's make people in general focus less on romantic (or platonic) relationships and more on direct action/organized activism, rightfully so. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever: who would want to deal with my baggage?! I oscillate between thinking I'm better off gone, and thinking I could definitely continue to live...in a psych hospital.

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