Am I fucked up?
The story
Tbh there isn’t much of a story, more needing to take things off my back. If at any moment u feel uncomfortable just stop reading and do or go somewhere else. Well… ig here it is.. I hate myself, Ik it’s a thing that most ppl say or think but for everyone it’s different I think. I hate everything about myself, but I think I mostly hate the fact that I’m gay, masc, and fat. I go against everything. I feel like everything’s been going for the worst but I don’t want to stop, I just act like it so the ppl who care don’t help me as much. But I didn’t lie, I don’t want to not to stop, I like the feeling of anything bad really. Ik it sounds bad but it isn’t I swear. I think for once my dad is right.. maybe being gay is a disease after all, I mean I was happier when I was young and identified as straight, I didn’t worry if anyone thought I was a wannabe boy or if every girl friend I have thinks I immediately like them just because I say I’m gay. I think that’s way I started doing what I am, started to slowly just not eat. It started little, just skipping lunch at school, then not eating anything in the morning or at lunch at school, then after a year of that the pain went away and I didn’t really weight wise, I didn’t have stomach pains anymore. I felt empty. I felt.. feel out of control. Then fast forward this December it went from normal to really good, I didn’t care what my mom felt for me eating less then 100-300 calories for about 3-4 days on end. I remember them, it was a dream and if I had a choice I’d do again, I don’t regret it. I think I lost about 3kgs in that span or maybe more idk. Anyways now im 77kgs still losing. I was about 86kg im mid November or maybe a bit lower. And if I could say anything about how it’s been I’d say it’s addicting. The scale, I mean Idrc anymore if I do or don’t have muscle anymore. Idk what’s so addicting about the scale but it is, I don’t even really care to eat at this point, I just do it because I have to live and so my mom doesn’t call a therapist for me or smth like that. But that isn’t what I wanted to say, what I wanted to say is that these are the few but main reasons why I hate myself and I think it’s the minimum at the very least. So ig my question is, does anyone feel the same? Am I as fucked up as I seen to be?. I wish u all are okay and happy. Good morning, good afternoon, good night
Stories in the same category
Points of view
Hey, thanks for sharing all that. I totally get where you're coming from—feeling at odds with yourself is super tough. Honestly, it’s normal to feel out of control and struggle with who you are at times. Just remember, hating parts of yourself doesn't mean you can't slowly learn to accept them over time. You're definitely not alone in feeling this way, and reaching out here already shows strength. Hope things start looking up for you soon! 😊
Thx, hopefully things do get better. Also good to know it isn’t just me feeling this way. also hope u things get better for u to if they aren’t already
It's deeply concerning to hear how you're feeling, particularly the notion that being gay is a "disease"!! This mindset is both troubling and scientifically unfounded. It's crucial to acknowledge that self-hatred and your eating patterns are undoubtedly destructive. While I understand the allure of control through weight loss, this path can lead to severe health repercussions—both physically and mentally. Speaking from experience, finding someone who respects you for who you are can be transformative. Consider reaching out for professional help—not out of weakness but because it's an act of courage.
Remember, authenticity should never feel burdensome or isolating!! 🌈
Thanks for everything, I needed to hear that. Hope everything’s better for u
look, i get it. you're spinning your wheels and feeling stuck in a loop of negativity. the whole self-loathing thing—like you said, it's different for everybody, but damn if it doesn't suck universally; everyone has their own battles, but society sure does throw some curveballs at us sometimes. have you thought about why the scale holds so much power over you? it sounds like there's a lot on your plate (no pun intended), trying to navigate being true to yourself and dealing with external expectations. ever considered talking to someone who actually gets this stuff? might be worth thinking about before hitting rock bottom or worse.
To ur question about the scale, I don’t really know why, but if I had to guess prob smth that happened when I was little. Also I would talk to someone who actually gets this stuff but firstly I have trust problems especially with me opening up to anyone about my mental health, but also cuz I just don’t rlly have anyone who knows this stuff. Btw fair, but yet again I kinda want to hit rock bottom. Anyways thank you for everything, hope ur life is at its fullest
man, it's wild how society's expectations can really mess with our heads and make us feel like we're always falling short😅.
good to see things do get better! 🤗
hey, it sounds like you're in a pretty rough spot right now, which is totally valid! but listen... that whole idea of being gay as anything less than normal just doesn't sit right with me; it's amazing how diverse we all are!!! i get that the scale can become this... weirdly comforting thing to focus on when life feels chaotic. remind me of my buddy who used to say it's like having one predictable thing in an unpredictable world. also, losing weight so fast isn’t always the healthiest route, even if it might feel satisfying short-term; maybe aiming for feeling good overall instead? 🤔 you deserve to be at peace with yourself and your body, not just chasing numbers. sending some virtual support your way!! 🌟
Thx for everything, and tbh I do find feeling good in all the things I do, like weighing myself and being a lower weight, or just pressing myself down. Idk if it’s normal but it’s weirdly a calming feeling idk how to explain it. thx hopefully one day I am at peace and don’t care. Again thanks for wasting ur time to not only read my post but also respond to it. Hope everything’s good and better on ur side
yo, it seriously sucks feeling trapped in your own skin like that, but remember you ain't alone and actually being honest about this stuff is a huge step!
It does suck at times but it’s routine at this point lol, and Ik I’m not just more of does anyone I know feel this way? And thx just recently I’ve been more honest online since I don’t like talking about it to ppl Ik since i have trust issues from past experiences and fear they’ll see me differently. Thx for support and everything, hope wherever you are that you’re living you’re living your life to the fullest and being the happiest and most authentic version of yourself
i can really feel the struggle in your story, and it's so brave of you to share it. i get that feeling of being at odds with yourself. been there too with body image issues and feeling like i'm not living up to my own or others' expectations. but sometimes all it takes is those small steps towards self-acceptance. life’s more about balance than perfection, right? maybe try embracing little wins each day. you're definitely stronger than you give yourself credit for!
hey, it's brave of you to open up about all this. reading your story, it really hits home how heavy self-expectations can be, especially when society and family have their own ideas of who we should be. just a thought: sometimes our minds latch onto things like weight because they seem easier to control than our bigger struggles—kind of like clinging to the helm in a storm, even if it’s leading us astray. i once found comfort in writing down my thoughts—like journaling—and it was almost like having a conversation with myself that I could revisit. maybe it'll help you find some clarity or patterns you hadn’t noticed before? remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long it takes