Anger issues ruining my familial relationships.
The story
Hi. I dont exactly know how to do this, but i really wanted to get this off my chest, so that i can put my focus on fixing myself, instead of carrying around all this baggage. Im not very good with english commas and stuff, as its a second language, so i appologize.
Ok, so i have a Sister. My relationship with her is very complicated. My main problem is that i get angry far too quickly. She could do the most midly annoying thing ever, and i would lose my head and lash out. This is obviously not right, and i need to control myself.
This anger stems from her and I having a lot of issues with one another growing up. The problem is, i can never pinpoint exactly one thing or a few specific things that i dislike her for. I just KNOW, its unforgivable. So i lash out at the drop of a hat, and can end up getting physically violent, which, at the moment of the outburst feels justified, but i know afterwards that i was in the wrong.
Our father is also a terrible person. He has crazy outbursts of anger too, and i despise him for it. Which i why i NEED to fix my anger issues, because there is nothing in this world i hate more than a hypocrite. Which he, unsuprisingly, is.
My mother on the other hand is the gentlest person ever. She is kind, tolerant, never raises her voice, and i look so much up to her. I want to be like that. People like my father hurt people, and end up alone. People like my mother can make others feel like the only ones who matter in the entire world, and i want to be that for other people. If only i could get a hold of myself.
Now, my sister is not a bad person. Because of my fathers anger issues, i KNOW she suffers too. As her older sibling Its my job to protect her, but i keep FAILING at it by lashing out exactly like he does. She has to deal with both of us, and the guilt of it eats me alive. But its not like feeling guilty is going to absolve me of my actions. You know the quote: A dog that howls after a kill is no better than the dog that eats. My guilt means nothing.
My sister deals with his anger by being rebellious. She drifts away, has little care for other people, acts disrespectfully and so on. I suppose thats one reason i hate her, but can i really allow myself that? It feels selfish of me. She also has developed a very nasty personality. And i know that word is harsh, but heres what i mean: She revels in putting people down. She constantly stops people from improving themselves by making them feel stupid for even trying. Basically, shes emotionally toxic. In all her relationships, platonic and familial. And I cant be mad at her over that. At least not when she does it to me. Because im worse. I lash out. And that will always be worse. What shes doing, is setting up defenses. Because if she tears people down, she wont be torn apart herself.
The funny thing is, this is also something my father does. Tears people down. Its like me and my sister are two halves of the same awful man. Maybe thats why we hate eachother.
Talking about out father. I do think my sister resents me. See, our mother treats her kids equally. Our father however has me as his favourite. Its obvious, because he barely tolerates my mother, my brother and my sister. Hes said it out loud too. That he only stays for me. So that means his outbursts are directed towards them, while i get off scott free. This doesnt mean he loves me. Ive sides with them, and every time i do, he lashes out at me too. However for some reason he always "forgives" me the easiest. I feel dirty.
Now, i didnt ask for this favouritism. I hate the way he treats my mother, brother and sister, because i love them. But i cant blame her for resenting me. After all, it does feel like the golden child masqurading as a good person doesnt it? I feel selfish and awful.
Even more so when i lash out. Because how could i not? Im acting like he does! And i need help managing my anger. Now some of you may say, well apologize then. The thing is, thats what my father does after his lash outs. He apologizes in this sweet voice, and if i started doing the same to my sister, she would be like a lamb trapped between two wolves, and i cant do that to her. I want to improve my actions before, you know, using my words. It would give her the wrong idea otherwise. I dont want to set her up for abuse in her future.
Although it does sometimes feel as though our relationship with eachother is now irrepearable. Ive ruined it, and it would be selfish of me to expect her to trust me again.
And my greatest fear, is that this is the same thought process HE goes through. What if he also feels this immense guilt after lashing out too? What if he tries and fails at managing his anger? I dont let these thoughts out to the ones close to me, like my mother, brother or sister, because i would feel selfish for garnering sympathy. Are we not the same then, he and I? I dont want that! I want to actually change, to actually start managing my anger and not be soo... weak. You know?
I want to be better for the people i love. So i REALLY need tips to manage my anger. I always feel like im in a dream like comatose state after lashing out. Like as if that was another person, and now i have to deal with their mistakes. I could really use some tips, some help. This post had to be made, so i could get it off my chest and focus on improving. I dont want to feel and act crazy anymore. I want to be better. And i need to put in the effort.
Thank you.
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Points of view
Wow, that's a heavy load you're carrying... You sound a lot like someone caught in a cycle of learned behavior and emotional mismanagement. It's obvious you care about your sister, but it seems like you're trapped in your father's toxic patterns; Anger issues aren't solved overnight, and it takes real effort to change. You’ve got a long road ahead, but acknowledging it is a start. I've been there—felt like a version of my dad I never wanted to be. Therapy helped me figure things out. Might be worth a shot for you too.
Good luck with breaking the cycle! 💪
I get where you're coming from and it sounds tough being caught in that family dynamic. It's like the cycle of aggression is something that's hard to break. You recognize it, which is good, but it sounds like you're trapped in an endless feedback loop; I've been there, feeling like the "golden child" but still caught in the chaos. I think it's crucial to find a way to manage your "emotional regulation." You want to make those changes, but it can feel like fighting against a tidal wave. Have you ever tried grounding exercises or mindfulness? They really helped me with controlling sudden outbursts. You want to be more like your mom, but breaking free of the patterns your dad set can be really hard. It’s a tightrope walk—one step at a time. 🤞
honestly, it seems like you're really caught up in a loop of thinking you're just like your dad, but i think you're being too hard on yourself. everyone has rough patches and it's pretty clear you're putting in the effort to be better. just because you share some traits doesn’t mean you’re destined to be the same. you mentioned you want to be more like your mom; that's an admirable goal to chase. sometimes we gotta just "fake it till we make it," you know? keep prioritizing self-improvement and maybe focus on developing emotional resilience. you're already showing awareness, which is a big win. you've got this! 😊
Wow... After reading these comment, i gotta say, i do feel a lot better. And people are right. I need to take it one step at a time, and start doing small things to break this cycle. Im actually really suprised with how good, just talking about this feels. It may even feel better because its to strangers... I think i have what it takes to stop the anger, and saying all this stuff out loud really helped. Ill just have to work a lot for it. Thank you all so much. Ive never felt so heard before.
Your reflection on the situation is quite comprehensive, yet it seems that you are conflating your identity with your father's behavior too much. Acknowledging the cyclical nature of familial patterns is one thing, but presuming an inevitable repetition of these habits undermines your autonomy. You are not bound to repeat your father's actions; Consider focusing on developing coping mechanisms to constructively redirect your emotions. You have identified the problem, and that's a critical step!!!! Now, channel your determination into actionable objectives that facilitate growth. What boundaries can you establish to prevent these outbursts????
yeah, it's tough dealing with family dynamics like that!!!! you’re really self-aware, which is a big step forward!!! it sounds like both you and your sister are coping with what you know, as you've said “two halves of the same awful man” 👫 keep focusing on controlling those anger triggers—it’s key!!!! have you thought about grounding techniques or meditation??? these can really help shift behavior patterns!!!! it sounds like you’re genuinely motivated to change, which is promising!!!! stay hopeful!!!! you can break the cycle and be that positive force in your family 😊
i get where you're coming from, but I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. everyone makes mistakes, especially when dealing with complex family dynamics. it's great that you want to change and improve, but it sounds like you're focusing too much on your guilt without acknowledging your efforts; recognize the steps you're already taking to break this cycle. it’s important to find balance. consider setting small goals, like practicing self-regulation techniques, to help manage those anger episodes. you're on the journey to improvement, and that's a starting point. keep moving forward!
i totally feel you on this one, man!!!! it's like being stuck in a never-ending loop where you're trying hard not to become the reflection of your dad!!!! i've been in a similar boat where i couldn't shake off my old man's traits, either!!!! when you said, “a dog that howls after a kill is no better than the dog that eats,” it hit me right in the gut!!!! sometimes it's like we’re haunted by our family's legacy, and breaking free isn't easy. i found it useful to focus on the present moment and practice mindfulness; it helped me stay clear-headed during heated moments. you're definitely on the right track, recognizing the need to be different—that's more than half the battle won, for sure!!! you've got the guts to change things, keep at it, and don't let the past define who you are becoming. 😊
man, it sounds like you’re caught in a rough cycle, and honestly, that sucks!!!! i totally get it though. my relationship with my siblings is complicated too, and sometimes it feels like we’re all carrying a part of our parents' baggage. sounds like you share your dad's temper, but the fact that you're aware of it is a good start; it’s tough breaking those patterns. had a similar struggle, and what helped me was taking a step back when things got heated. not easy though. sometimes feels hopeless, right? but you’re trying, and that counts for something. keep pushing through, maybe find some strategies to calm down before things blow up? you got this! 💪