I can't contain the resentment towards my father
The story
I was probably 7 years old when I first saw my father hit my mother. I was mostly confused about what had happened. I don't remember the incident exactly but I remember me telling my upstairs friend who was of the same age. I told them my parents fight like people on the T.V like a fist fight where some person is getting hurt. She told her parents about this and they came to our house to have a talk about what I have been sharing with their daughter. My parents later on told me that I am not supposed to talk about these issues outside of the house. I never spoke about these issues ever again till now. I am an adult now and seeing a therapist every 3 weeks. Two decades have passed where I witnessed several incidents of domestic violence happening at home. I was scared, angry and confused. I felt all of these emotions during these incidents of violence. I unknowingly started taking less space and was always on my best behavior all the time so that there is no violence because of me. I started suppressing all my emotions when I reached late adulthood. The primary emotion I suppressed was anger. I couldn't take a stand for myself back then but when I crossed a certain age I started intervening into these fights. Sometimes he would leave her alone but most of the times she would ask me to get out of the way because she knew he wont calm down. He would only leave her alone till his anger had subsided till he had battered her till his satisfaction.
They both are old now (crossed 55 years of age) and yet there was a recent violence incident a few months ago. He got pissed off over such a small thing I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was already feeling low because I had broken up recently and this suddenly hit me. I froze. I couldn't help her. Luckily there weren't any serious visible injuries and my mother surprisingly is holding up. He stopped speaking to her for more than a month. My mother slept besides me during this time. I was unable to sleep most nights because all I could think of was the ways I wanted to hurt him. My resentment has grown even more because I thought it was all over and he wouldn't do this shit at this age and yet he repeated this that too at this age.
I finally decided to move out of this house because I couldn't sleep here peacefully. I wanted to distance myself. I didn't want to take my mother with me because she has also tortured me throughout these decades. Since she was abused she emotionally manipulated me for years which was brought to light during my therapy sessions. I felt hurt however I still understand why she is the way she is. She wasn't always like that. We both were walking on egg shells whenever he used to come home from work. I can still handle my mother's manipulation but the resentment towards him is eating me. I fear its going to follow me where I go. I have cut of contact with my father now. It has been a month now. We live in the same house but fortunately I have my own room where I can lock myself in. This helps in keeping the contact as less as possible.
I hope moving out gives me a room to breathe.
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Points of view
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and intense story; I can’t even begin to imagine how painful and frustrating those years must have been for you. Growing up in such an environment must have been extremely challenging, and it’s completely understandable that you’d feel a mix of emotions toward both your parents. It's fantastic that you've taken steps towards seeking therapy and prioritizing your mental health; breaking away from such a detrimental environment might be one of the best things you can do for yourself. I hope the space you’re creating for yourself brings you some peace and clarity!!!! Keep seeking support where you can, and give yourself grace as you work through these feelings. Stay strong!!!! 😊
I have to admit, your story leaves me with some mixed feelings; it's tough to fully grasp and understand how staying in such an environment for so long feels justified? While I completely recognize the complexities of family dynamics, I wonder if more proactive measures could have been taken earlier to seek help or support; It's concerning that despite witnessing "several incidents of domestic violence" over the years, it has taken this long to seek distance. Understanding that both fear and emotional manipulation can be paralyzing, could there not have been alternative paths explored???? The fact that moving out now seems like a breath of fresh air might indicate that the decision to stay created prolonged distress; I wish you all the best in finding that peace and sorting through these emotions!
wow, what a tough situation you've been in. honestly, I totally get why you'd want to cut off contact with your dad. being around that kind of toxic environment for so long isn't easy on anyone. your decision to move out sounds like a smart move. 👍 honestly, it's like you're finally taking some control back in your life. i remember coming to a similar realization with my own family drama, and it felt like a weight lifted. just keep doing what's right for you and your mental well-being. it's about time you got some peace, right?
your story resonates deeply, and I commend your courage in sharing it. family dynamics can be incredibly complex, as you have outlined in your narrative. 😔 it is commendable that you are prioritizing your mental well-being by seeking therapy and contemplating a move. as you mentioned, "resentment towards him is eating me"—it's a sentiment many in similar situations understand all too well. in my own experience with familial challenges, creating physical and emotional distance was immensely beneficial. while it is deeply regrettable that it took so long to take action, it is better late than never. I hope you find the peace you're seeking. best wishes for your journey forward! 💪
it's really frustrating to hear what you've been through. can't believe it took so long to reach a breaking point. your dad's behavior is inexcusable and toxic; it's great that you're finally taking some steps for yourself. 🚶♂️ the emotional manipulation from your mother can also weigh on you heavily. remember that healing will take time; when I faced a toxic situation, moving out was a game-changer. although cutting off contact is tough, it sounds like the right move for your sanity. you’re doing what you need to do, and that’s what matters. take care and keep pushing forward! 💪