Can spanking be CSA if your mother lacks sexual intent?

cw: suicidal ideation, self harm, descriptions of abuse + masochism, possibly CSA (I’m not trying to claim its in the traditionally severe form so I’m sorry if it seems that way to ppl who have endured that), I just need somewhere to get an outside view of what’s happening with me. Be safe

I’m 15, trans guy but born female. I was a fundamentally bad, defiant child that was the defining thing about me so my mom used to be super abusive in a few ways to kindve stomp the defiance out of me . But the one that stuck with me was when she was supposed to be spanking me as punishment (though I think it had been over trivial matters. as if everything I said or did was destined to be wrong, I truly don't understand the reasons why she did it). I know well she’s not creepy nor a bad mother, she didn’t intend for me to take it this way and I promise I don’t wanna take it this way either because it’s been really humiliating, but the way she executed it (and intense ways I reacted to it over the years) ive realized as some strange form of sexual abuse. it’s not that I have any vivid picture memories, (my memory of my childhood is garbage as demonstrated time and time again) but I know it happened extremely often. I know the components I didn’t omit of the spankings to be true in these procedural bullet points. And its really nauseated me to think about she forced me to strip naked always and lay on her bed and would yk slap me relentlessly on the ass and if I tried to run shed chase me down, she wouldn’t let me leave her room, and if I cried she’d go harder till I shut up no matter how much I pleaded with her. After, I think she’d send me away from everyone and shun me. I omitted this next part but my brother(21) told me she had this stupid table tennis object she used too and wrote my name on it in bold and hung it on her wall for me to stare at perpetually, my grandma had one aswell but I only remembered that part I didn’t know my mother did too. I guess im sensitive, but my entire being’s always felt ‘off’ or just violated by this even if it wasn’t meant how I took it.

And I never ever saw her hurt my brother the way she did me (he confirmed she didn’t) so I hated all of them. I felt they legitimately wanted me specifically to die because of this. I talked to my brother about it when it came up more recently and even he claimed what she did wasn’t normal and he seemed concerned about how much I didn’t remember about it, he said I was a rough kid but I never deserved that. It shouldn't be a big deal since it’s been a few years, I’ve become a better person but it lowk ruined my mental health for most of my life and I just never felt safe or loved at home, like little me tried to lay in the street and get hit by a car and shit so I didn’t have to be punished that way again during times my brother threatened to tell her something. When that didn’t bode well I got affiliated with older people who had bad intentions, like my groomer/s who actually did sexually abuse me, so I could feel more loved or hurt, just better about myself in any capacity cuz they didn’t have high standards to love me. I felt worlds more comforted with them. I still do when I think about it.

I was averse to people touching me for years because it felt like touch physically burned me. Being intimate with others in general, honesty and expressing emotions has always been excruciatingly hard for me, it's so much more natural to suppress them, and I just despised her, especially even the slightest brush against me. This extended to things like anyone saying my name. It grated on my ears because of the way she called it, which is part of why I hate my deadname so much. My anger and shame and despair over everything was just left to fester.

I think the physical stuff stopped after I turned 12 but it was too late. I was already so so aggressive, the soul was pretty much sucked out of my corpse. I've felt like a dead guy walking for most of my years. I would homicidally ideate about killing her (I would never!!). all my friends who’ve known me before online school have been hit by me in some capacity. One kid, I feel so bad about him but he threw this frisby in my direction and it happened to hit me, and when he laughed it set me off so I genuinely beat him with the frisby till he was crying. and I was laughing until i got horrified by what I just did enough to try to take it back. I knew that I had scarred him in a way I had no right. Some kids at my school were truly scared of me and I felt better when they were scared cuz I could act like I was someone big and bad with a kind of control or power when I really wasn’t powerful at all. When I used to talk about being an awful person that was what I meant.

And I’ve had such conflicting urges toward what she did . When she finally stopped I found myself wishing she picked it back up again because I liked the sensations my thoughts accustomed to the spankings/feeling. I’m asexual and being harmed has been the only thing that can make me feel any sort of arousal now, and through that is the only way I’ve been able to manage my emotions about it. It’s developed into weird sexual fantasies about people hurting me in so many ways which have been impacting my ability to function normally since I was 12. im really masochistic now, always wanting to be hurt further whether through using SH or other people and ill be willing to put myself at risk as a consequence. I assume this might have been the cause of my history of violent/taboo sexual addictions when I was wayyy too young to even understand their impact. it wasnt good.

Furthermore, all this is kindve the reason our relationship is fractured in my eyes even though she’s really not doing anything wrong anymore. you can tell she’s a good mom and she’s trying her best as I’ve tried my best with all my might to forget but it’s so hard to act like that didnt happen and that I’m not broken and that being broken hasn't ruined most of my life. I’ve tried to talk about it with her in the past but she vehemently denied it and mocked me. it’s truly cemented that I’ve been hung up all these years over nothing and I don’t know why it won’t go away.

It’s not fair for me to hold this unrelenting animosity toward her sometimes but I’ve been miserable and it shows. maybe im just looking to point fingers for why I’m so fucked up but my heads making sooo much racket all the time I really wish it didn’t have to be like this and I didn’t have to be like this. There will never be a guy that hates his essence more than I do. I’ve tried to change from this, to stay happy and love everyone as much as I can. they call me sunshine, but everytime I get some time alone to think I’m just reminded how much I can’t live with myself, and im trying to hold on so tight and move on and be the brightest but I feel like my light only gets dimmer the longer I keep pushing. I wish i stayed in that half dead stupor sometimes because now that I’m alive again everything hurts sooo much I’m always pushed over the edge by one thing or another. But sincerely thank you for listening if you took the time to read this far, use me as an example NOT to spank your kids qwq

Summary: the reactions I had to spanking and the effects on my mental health have seemed disproportionately disturbing compared to the experience most people describe so lightly, I seemed to take it as something sexually violating and ruining, has anyone else felt the same about theirs or had similar experiences?

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