Death is not my enemy…
The story
My mother cut her wrists again today. I don’t believe in spiritual juju but some of those bullshits may be true with “mirroring” or whatthefuckever as my emotionally worst days always end up being revealed as “oh my mom did self-harm”. She apologised for some reason. I don’t get why. She harmed herself, not me.
I’m suicidal for who knows how long. Passively. Too much of a pussy to commit but still … during unviersity stresses I accumulated plenty mental health and general health issues, cortisol “alarming” since second year, but I passed enough to get the fucking paper that did jackshit in my life. Couldn’t find a job, eventually made use of a teacher shortage through nepotism – it’s shit, I really am not cut out to be a teacher, work stresses me out, I come depleted home and I only have a work-sleep loop. Boohoo people have it worse – I FUCKING KNOW, OK?! I KNOW! Doesn’t make it any better. I suffered that, hoping forwards will be easier. I gave up. I don’t try and am conscious of my limited energy pool. Life is just enduring and waiting for death to arrive – I am too much of a pussy to come to it.
I wanted to get a new computer and eventually live alone – away from my family, from my mother with schizophrenia and all kinds of addictions and flip-flop states; Führerin grandmother; trigger-happy hyper-choleric autistic grandfather and … well I do love my brother regardless of his bullshit like racism and narcissism. I can go get fucked with all that. I make 3€/hr. netto, that barely pays for the booze I need to make do in this shit life. Everything since 2022 (after COVID lockdowns) was just deep shit – COVID was fucking great, being at home, school a breeze, it was too good, raising the bar of what feels like a perfect life too high. I just want calm. Peace. Everything to shut the fuck up. “No alarms and no surprises.” I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to deal with people’s bullshit, I don’t want to “overcome god’s challenges” (whichever one’s – I’m a hostile/misotheistic agnostic aka “I don’t think there is a god but if there is they are a malevolent being”). I just want silence. Quiet. Nothing.
Guess I was escapist and mentally troubled for that since I was like 12 making stories about my family disappearing. I was a furry, still kinda am. Diagnosed with various shit like Asperger’s or SzPD (not self-dx), got some pills, nothing worked. My mom’s teasing death with her little cuts. I wonder when I’ll be the one to steal her thunder and X myself. I don’t fear death. I fear surviving but remaining worse-off (brain damage, surveillance, psychiatric treatment = loss of autonomy). I think one day I’ll close my eyes on those risks and try anyway. I romanticise death, I know, but I really would love that promised eternal peace. Just nothing. Void. I’ll go there anyway, so why suffer and wait when it doesn’t matter? When the now up to then has nothing positive in store?
So far I keep waiting. I wonder for how long.
I wonder if this is one of my last echoes into the dark aether of the internet.
I don’t know.
That’s all.
Bye.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
sounds like you’re going through a really overwhelming time 🙁 it's tough when everything feels so exhausting and uncertain. i know it doesn’t help much, but hang in there! sometimes just taking it one day at a time can make things feel less daunting. hoping you find some of that peace and quiet you're longing for, even if just in small moments!!
it's wild how sometimes things feel like they're spiraling even when we're just trying to keep our heads above water—i totally get the burnout from teaching when it's not your passion, i had a similar experience once and felt completely drained; sending you good vibes for moments of calm amidst all the chaos.
it's really rough navigating all that, especially when everything feels so overwhelming and you're stuck in a cycle that's hard to break out of. i remember being in a similar work-sleep loop when i had a job i hated, and it felt like there was no end in sight; it's not easy feeling trapped like that. your thoughts about wanting silence and peace resonate deeply with me—they're significant desires in this noisy world. please know that your feelings are valid, and holding onto the little things that bring you comfort can make each day more manageable.
i totally get what you mean about feeling like you're just stuck in an endless loop of work and exhaustion, it’s like no matter how much effort you put in, there's barely any return or relief; life just keeps piling on stress from every angle and it's incredibly overwhelming 😱
It sounds like you're caught in such a heavy cycle of stress and emotional turmoil, and I'm curious—have you ever had the chance to talk about all this with someone who can really understand what you're going through, maybe a therapist or support group?
Man, that sounds like a rough ride. But honestly, relying on stuff like "mirroring" seems kinda sketchy to me. I mean, life's full of coincidences and we try to connect dots where there aren't any sometimes 🤷♂️. It's understandable wanting peace or escape—life throws some real curveballs—but remember, things can shift when you least expect it. It might be helpful to keep exploring new perspectives or experiences even if it feels pointless now; sometimes it's the unexpected things that bring change.
It's genuinely disheartening to hear about your situation—your honesty cuts right through. But man, sometimes it’s not just about feeling overwhelmed; it's about the fundamental disconnect between where you are and where you think you should be, and that can be excruciatingly tough...
man, i hear you on feeling disconnected from everything like it’s just a never-ending cycle of disappointments; but questioning if there's any hope left is such a heavy load to carry alone – life's unpredictable and maybe in this tangled mess, there's still something worth sticking around for.
your story hit me hard, and i can feel the weight of everything you're carrying. it’s so tough when life feels like a constant barrage of stress and disappointment 🤯 i know it might not mean much, but even tiny steps away from the chaos can sometimes spark a bit of change. have you ever thought about finding a small hobby or something that could bring you a hint of joy between all this madness? sometimes just having a moment to disconnect from everything helps in ways we don't expect. take care out there!
Dude, your story's a real gut punch. I get the whole 'peace and quiet' vibe—sometimes the world’s just too bloody loud, right? 🤯 It's messed up how life gives us this illusion of what "should be" and then totally screws with our expectations. Have you ever considered moving to a quieter area or maybe trying some DIY soundproofing just to carve out a bit of that silence you crave? And damn, 3€/hr is insane; no wonder you're feeling stuck! Anyone else feel like life gave 'em a raw deal or is it just me???
It sounds like you're really going through a lot; navigating family dynamics and personal struggles can be incredibly challenging, especially when everything seems to compound.
Your situation sounds horrifically challenging, and it's absurd how life keeps pushing you into corners; I've been through a lot myself and sometimes it feels like the universe is investing in my downfall for mere amusement.
Reading your story, it's clear you're navigating some seriously tough waters. It sounds like you're dealing with an immense amount of emotional strain not just from your mom's situation but also from trying to juggle a job that doesn’t seem fulfilling. It's challenging when life's demands feel endless and you've got family dynamics pulling you in every direction. I get the sense you're hanging on by a thread and questioning everything—you’re not alone in feeling this way. Facing these struggles head-on is daunting, but holding out hope for even small changes over time might bring some relief. Maybe there's something still unexpected waiting around the corner.
I genuinely empathize with your situation, and it seems like you're shouldering an immense burden right now. Your feelings about wanting peace are understandable, but isolating oneself is not always the best solution to mental health struggles as research has shown. It's fascinating to consider that life’s unpredictability often yields surprising opportunities for growth and change. Instead of focusing on what hasn't worked in the past—pills or therapy—it might be worth exploring alternative paths such as mindfulness or a new creative outlet that could bring some light into your daily routine. "If you’re going through hell, keep going." I hope you find the strength to endure and eventually discover what brings you genuine peace.
damn, you're dealing with a lot of tough situations at once; it’s not surprising that life feels like an uphill battle right now. i know the familial stuff can be such a minefield, especially when you’re just trying to keep yourself afloat amidst it all; “no alarms and no surprises,” huh? i totally get the desire for silence in a world that doesn’t seem to switch off. have you thought about exploring mindfulness or meditation as a way to cope? even if it sounds kinda cliché, these practices can sometimes provide a bit of that peace by reshaping how we interact with our chaotic surroundings. what do you think about giving them a shot?
sometimes when life feels like it's just piling on more than you can handle, it's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel; i've been there too, and what helped me a bit was finding little distractions or things that made me feel even slightly better on the worst days, whether it’s picking up a hobby or just listening to music—it doesn’t fix everything but it offers some moments of light...
it's like you're stuck in this exhausting loop of stress and unfulfilled dreams, and it's tough not to get swallowed up by it all; living on 3€/hr sounds like a constant uphill battle just to stay afloat, but maybe there's some small changes you could make to find a tiny bit of relief – even something small like setting boundaries with your family or looking for a different job that respects your mental
Wow, you're really in the thick of it and I can see how overwhelming everything feels. Your craving for peace is totally understandable with all that chaos going on around you. It's rough when it seems like everything is piling up against you, but sometimes reflecting on small joys or moments of relief can help ground you even if just a little bit. Maybe it's about finding those tiny pieces of calm amidst the storm, something to hold onto that's just for you. Whatever happens, know that this space is always here if you need to shout into the void again.
yo, it sounds like you're stuck in a tough spot, man. i feel for you with all this chaos around you and the feeling of being drained by work. 😔 i know you said you're passive about certain stuff, but have you thought about talking to someone who gets what you're going through? even if it's just venting to someone who can understand the weight of your world. do you reckon there's any small thing that brings a bit of joy or distraction right now? sometimes tiny sparks make things more bearable. hang in there!