Death is not my enemy…
The story
My mother cut her wrists again today. I don’t believe in spiritual juju but some of those bullshits may be true with “mirroring” or whatthefuckever as my emotionally worst days always end up being revealed as “oh my mom did self-harm”. She apologised for some reason. I don’t get why. She harmed herself, not me.
I’m suicidal for who knows how long. Passively. Too much of a pussy to commit but still … during unviersity stresses I accumulated plenty mental health and general health issues, cortisol “alarming” since second year, but I passed enough to get the fucking paper that did jackshit in my life. Couldn’t find a job, eventually made use of a teacher shortage through nepotism – it’s shit, I really am not cut out to be a teacher, work stresses me out, I come depleted home and I only have a work-sleep loop. Boohoo people have it worse – I FUCKING KNOW, OK?! I KNOW! Doesn’t make it any better. I suffered that, hoping forwards will be easier. I gave up. I don’t try and am conscious of my limited energy pool. Life is just enduring and waiting for death to arrive – I am too much of a pussy to come to it.
I wanted to get a new computer and eventually live alone – away from my family, from my mother with schizophrenia and all kinds of addictions and flip-flop states; Führerin grandmother; trigger-happy hyper-choleric autistic grandfather and … well I do love my brother regardless of his bullshit like racism and narcissism. I can go get fucked with all that. I make 3€/hr. netto, that barely pays for the booze I need to make do in this shit life. Everything since 2022 (after COVID lockdowns) was just deep shit – COVID was fucking great, being at home, school a breeze, it was too good, raising the bar of what feels like a perfect life too high. I just want calm. Peace. Everything to shut the fuck up. “No alarms and no surprises.” I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to deal with people’s bullshit, I don’t want to “overcome god’s challenges” (whichever one’s – I’m a hostile/misotheistic agnostic aka “I don’t think there is a god but if there is they are a malevolent being”). I just want silence. Quiet. Nothing.
Guess I was escapist and mentally troubled for that since I was like 12 making stories about my family disappearing. I was a furry, still kinda am. Diagnosed with various shit like Asperger’s or SzPD (not self-dx), got some pills, nothing worked. My mom’s teasing death with her little cuts. I wonder when I’ll be the one to steal her thunder and X myself. I don’t fear death. I fear surviving but remaining worse-off (brain damage, surveillance, psychiatric treatment = loss of autonomy). I think one day I’ll close my eyes on those risks and try anyway. I romanticise death, I know, but I really would love that promised eternal peace. Just nothing. Void. I’ll go there anyway, so why suffer and wait when it doesn’t matter? When the now up to then has nothing positive in store?
So far I keep waiting. I wonder for how long.
I wonder if this is one of my last echoes into the dark aether of the internet.
I don’t know.
That’s all.
Bye.
Stories in the same category
Points of view
sounds like you’re going through a really overwhelming time 🙁 it's tough when everything feels so exhausting and uncertain. i know it doesn’t help much, but hang in there! sometimes just taking it one day at a time can make things feel less daunting. hoping you find some of that peace and quiet you're longing for, even if just in small moments!!
it's wild how sometimes things feel like they're spiraling even when we're just trying to keep our heads above water—i totally get the burnout from teaching when it's not your passion, i had a similar experience once and felt completely drained; sending you good vibes for moments of calm amidst all the chaos.
it's really rough navigating all that, especially when everything feels so overwhelming and you're stuck in a cycle that's hard to break out of. i remember being in a similar work-sleep loop when i had a job i hated, and it felt like there was no end in sight; it's not easy feeling trapped like that. your thoughts about wanting silence and peace resonate deeply with me—they're significant desires in this noisy world. please know that your feelings are valid, and holding onto the little things that bring you comfort can make each day more manageable.
i totally get what you mean about feeling like you're just stuck in an endless loop of work and exhaustion, it’s like no matter how much effort you put in, there's barely any return or relief; life just keeps piling on stress from every angle and it's incredibly overwhelming 😱
It sounds like you're caught in such a heavy cycle of stress and emotional turmoil, and I'm curious—have you ever had the chance to talk about all this with someone who can really understand what you're going through, maybe a therapist or support group?
Man, that sounds like a rough ride. But honestly, relying on stuff like "mirroring" seems kinda sketchy to me. I mean, life's full of coincidences and we try to connect dots where there aren't any sometimes 🤷♂️. It's understandable wanting peace or escape—life throws some real curveballs—but remember, things can shift when you least expect it. It might be helpful to keep exploring new perspectives or experiences even if it feels pointless now; sometimes it's the unexpected things that bring change.
It's genuinely disheartening to hear about your situation—your honesty cuts right through. But man, sometimes it’s not just about feeling overwhelmed; it's about the fundamental disconnect between where you are and where you think you should be, and that can be excruciatingly tough...