It’s been years since I’ve realized I was trans(FTM). Recently I decided to actually express my identity by cutting my hair and not wearing anything too feminine to help with dysphoria. Unfortunately she noticed.

Two days ago my mom came to my room and she asked me who I am, she said I could trust her and that she wants to know the truth. She said that if I was honest with her she would be happy and accept me completely. My mom has always been supportive of the LGBTQ community so I thought i could trust her. I spilled my heart out to her and explained everything. How I felt like a boy and how I always felt like a boy.

I didn’t realize she didn’t understand the difference between a trans person and a lesbian for some reason??? She asked me if I like girls and I said no because I honestly am not attracted to girls. She was very confused and I tried to explain it to her and she eventually said she understood and I started crying and she said she’ll love me no matter what and she does see me as a person.

The next day she was VERY depressed looking(very unusual, not saying she should never be depressed or feel down, but usually she’s very happy). I forgot to mention that during this month things haven’t been too good for our family. I won’t go into detail but there’s been a bunch of downfalls and I also told her about evolution a month ago? I think? But she was open to the idea of it and she also started questioning things from the bible. (My whole family is christian, but I honestly have never felt the connection).

Anyways back to the present, she’s still acting different to her usual self and after a few hours she came to my room and started crying. She showed me old pictures of me in skirts and dresses and said she never noticed any signs. She told me I am a girl and it’s a demon whispering things into my ear. She said that she has had things like this happen to her before with bad thoughts. Before the day I came out I was the happiest I could have ever been, I truly felt like me. She started saying that the devil is trying to bring me down and that i need to dig deeper to find the true me. But i know who i am, I always did. Being feminine ≠ Not being trans. I started questioning myself a lot. I feel extremely depressed. My mom since that day has still been the same. She made me pray and ask for forgiveness as well and she said that I need to keep praying and in a few months she’ll ask me who I am again. She said she accepts me but then right after she said It’s the devil talking to me. Straight after that she said I’m going to have a bedtime now?? HELLO? For my whole life I’ve slept past 12am. You could argue it’s not good for me but it’s the only time I’m productive. She said If i dont go to bed she’s going to switch off everything and force me to sleep.

I cant take it anymore. My dad has already always been a bad person to me and we never really spoke to eachother. He always argues with me. My mom was the only person I could talk to and rely on and now she’s gone. She’s been acting weird around me and she said she’s just been sick. I cant take it, it’s only been 2 days but it’s already too much for me. I feel so depressed. I’ve never felt this guilty and horrible. I should’ve jusf kept quiet and said nothing. This wouldn’t have happened if I just kept it away. This isn’t gonna get better and I can feel it. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could just start my life over. She’s making me feel miserable.

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