life is pointless

Some mornings I just sit at the edge of the bed and stare at the wall, not even sure why I’m getting up again. I’m 32 years old, got 3 kids who depend on me, a husband who doesn’t see me anymore, and a life that feels like it’s already over even though I’m still breathing. Everything feels like a loop—make breakfast, clean up, laundry, grocery shopping, break up the kids’ fights, smile when I don’t mean it, pretend like I care when inside I’m screaming. I used to have dreams, I used to want more. I can’t even remember what those dreams were anymore. Somewhere between baby bottles and birthday parties, I lost me. My husband comes home, says "how was your day" with no real interest, stares at his phone, and falls asleep before I even finish my sentence. We don’t fight. We don’t talk either. It’s like we’re roommates that share responsibilities but not hearts. I don’t love him. I don’t even like him half the time. But I stay. For the kids, for the house, for the fear of what happens if I leave and fail. But deep down, I don’t even know what success would look like anymore. It’s like I’m living a life someone else chose for me, and I got stuck in it like mud.

I see people my age on social media living lives that look full. Traveling, working jobs they care about, falling in love, starting fresh. And I’m just here, stuck in a cycle that’s got no meaning left. I feel guilty even saying it out loud—because I have things. A house, healthy kids, food on the table. But I don’t have joy. I don’t have connection. I don’t have me. And that emptiness… it’s suffocating. I feel like I’m running on fumes, always pretending everything’s fine when nothing is. Sometimes I wonder, if I vanished, would anything change? Would they miss me or just miss the things I do? I don’t cry anymore, even when I want to. I just go numb. Day after day after day. I’ve tried to talk to people about it, but they always say, “You just need a break” or “It’s just a phase.” But what if it’s not a phase? What if this is it? What if life is just this endless line of chores and fake smiles and empty kisses from someone who doesn’t know the woman next to him is dying inside? I’m so tired. I’m tired of carrying it all. And worst of all, I’m tired of hoping something will change. Because it never does.

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