my mom has paranoid delusions and when I was 9 years old she accused my dad of dealing and using drugs out of the blue and filed for divorce. a few years before that she had pulled me out of school to homeschool me because she said that my school was allowing a pedophile/child abuse ring to happen behind the scenes. during this time i would be home all day and when my dad got home from work she would scream at him for hours and accuse him of many things including but not limited to: being gay, having an std, cheating on her with women at Walmart, putting meth/heroin into his eyes with funnels/eye droppers, etc. i would just sit in my room and listen while i played minecraft or like talking angela or something

she also wouldn't let me be in a room alone with my dad, no matter what she had to be standing outside watching. one time my dad came into my room to comfort me and she started banging on the door to be let inside. this is because she got molested as a kid and somehow thought that if she wasn't around me constantly i would get molested too. i had a bunk bed that she insisted on sleeping on the bottom bunk of so we were never separate. i remember one night after my dad got home from work he came into my room to give me a hug and just started sobbing. i had never heard my dad cry before that.

sometimes she would put on a high voice and act like her 'inner child' was coming out. she had told me multiple times that she felt like she was a 7 year old in a grown woman's body. she had a binge/purge eating disorder and would take me out on walks that i wasn't allowed to say no to because if i did i was abandoning her and not letting her exercise. i was almost never away from her, i couldn't leave if i wanted to because i wasn't in public school. she convinced me that the police had put camera s in our house as well as everyone in our neighbourhood's house to monitor us and see if we were pedophiles or not. i wasn't stupid and knew something was off but if i expressed this in any way she would get mad at me and tell me that the fumes from my dad's drugs were affecting my brain function. if i ever got mad, forgot something, cried, it was because our house was contaminated with drugs and my head wasn't right.

side note, one time she left the sliding back door open to 'let the police in so they could take the cameras out'. she had a really weird relationship with the cops and would call them very frequently and developed a one-sided intimate relationship (all her) with the local chief of police and would send him affectionate letters. she gave him nicknames. i have no idea

i remember one night she freaked out for some reason. she started frantically searching the house for something to hang herself with and then decided that she was going to take me in the car to go for a drive. my dad was home and didn't want to let her do that because a few nights earlier she had told him that she wanted to kill me and then herself so he tried to call the police. she took his phone and bit his arm hard enough to leave a dark reddish-purple bruise when he tried to get it back. she ended up getting me out of the house and into the car and we had driven just out of town when we got pulled over by the cops. they asked her if she needed help, she said no. we had to go back to my house so the police could question my dad and they ended up bringing in drug-sniffing dogs that found nothing. the cops ended up letting her take me in the car anyway and we just drove around aimlessly for hours and hours

this is skipping over a lot of stuff but all of that really messed me up i think. i started self-harming when i was 10 years old and would only shower once a week. my hair got so knotted from me not brushing it that it turned into a hard ball and the only way to salvage it was to cut all of it off

tldr: whining about bad childhood

thx 4 reading kthxbye

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