Idk. Everything that i was terrified of is happening. If my younger self met current me she would cry or think im insane.

Like first of all theres my grades. Like not to brag but i used to be smart. Like smart smart. Like i skiped a grade when i was younger top 5% of my grade type shi. I was that anoying kid who like cried if she got a 85%. Im not kidding i got a panic attack over a 75% once. And then my grandma got cancer. And then the whole family was fighting and everyone told me my grades were the only reason my grandma was getting better. because i gave her smt to hope for. So i was like 12 and studying till like midnight and waking up at 4am to study and skiping dinner and recess and rushing lunch to study. I was forgettign about the bathroom to study.

But I liked it yk???? For some reason. Cuz like when i had perfect gradesmy grandma would like stop everything to listnen to me yap for HOURS. Or me and my mom would hang out all the time. And my dad took me out all the time. And ik it kinda made me bratty back then but i got TONS of presents. And it was like everyone listened to me and not my brother who used to get bad grades.

And then SOMETHING happaned. Idk i went to travel for vacation. Like a whole month resting, and i came back and i couldent focus. Like out of nowhere. I just couldent. My brain would space out whenever i tried to focus. And i wasent even thinking about important things. It was like percy jackson or kpop or when its acceptable to cross the street if a car is coming or like how a world would work if u needed to take a bath before midnight or u would die idk. Or i would obsess over my nails or my fingers or my scalp and like be picking on them untill they were bleeding.

And so my grades where dropping ofc. But now its to the point where im failing 4 subjects. Subjects i like!!! BADLY. And my brother is the one slaying now so he gets all the attention. And i only do good in english and a bit in spanish.

And im bi and ace and its not like my parents care?? they just know im bi but they ignore it every time i talk about a girl its insane and it feels like their ignoring this thing that took me 5 years to accept ebcuz it makes them uncomftarble. Its not like they even ask questions. My mom says it dosent make a diference and she complains that i have labels exept when i think a girl is cute she just ignores it???!!

And i cant eat properly and i either eat too much or dont wanna eat berally anything for days, i dont have the energy to do everything im obsessive im messy im anoying idk how to do anything my mom fucking calls me autiistic and i cant fucking cry about anything the last 4 years it feels like im losing people all the time and i hate myself and i dont even wanna kms cuz it feels like im already dead.

It feels like theres a hole in my chest all the time and i wish i could drown and melt into my bed

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